#i am very frustrated with my brain
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someone please tell me to finish one of my goddamn paulkins fics already
#i have no less than 30 started (meaning at least a short summary typed up)#most of them are essentially the same thing just worded differently or with different tones#like ten of them are done and just need polishing and i could post them in like an hour#but alas my brain won’t let me sit down and edit one and fckn post it#i just keep rereading them and telling myself everything that needs doing to them to get them ready to post and then i close google docs#i am very frustrated with my brain#please bully me into finishing a fic#help#begging for help#gnawing at the bars of my enclosure the enclosure being my brain the bars being my adhd
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There's absolutely nothing worse than when I get a thousand words into a story and decide that I low key hate it
#i don't really hate it#it's just like. what is the point?#i'm just not super enthusiastic about where it's going and none of the other options for where i could go with it are very interesting#and it's supposed to be about hera. HERA#if i'm writing something about captain hera syndulla the myth the legend herself the greatest pilot in the galaxy etc.#then it's got to be GOOD#hmm. i. might be shelving this fic idea for the time being#in theory it's decent in practice it isn't what i want#so there's that#HECK this is annoying#okay let's stay calm#i'll set this idea aside#work on something else in the time being#and then come back to what i'm writing for hera in spectre week after that#easy. possibly#WHY AM I INCAPABLE OF COMING UP WITH GOOD FIC IDEAS ANYMORE#i swear i've had all my good ideas#which i hate with a fiery passion#i hate the fact that it feels like i'm out of fun ideas#i don't want that to be true! i want to be still capable of coming up with fic concepts!#but the brain is not braining right now#it's super frustrating#*deep deep sigh*#i shall survive#just had to rant a bit
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excuse me blade, sir, drioid,maam, why are u so cute. I demand to know. What's happening to me why can't i stop staring at your adorable helmet with the frosted :D signature screen
#something is rearranging in my brain#did.... did it take zizz asking me to rank all the eiden rooms to shift the plates in my skull?#forcing me to look away from the accursed snake in pursuit of knowledge and equality#i said.two years ago. that i had zero interest in blade#zero interest in reliving the dramatrauma of a white haired robot#but. something has adjusted. minutely.#ohhhh what is. why is this happening#maybe... maybe it's just a curse of exposure#blade does show up at my door comparatively frequently#he and yaku are sitting beside each other in my intimacy room collection like#*swinging legs cutely* *multiplies when I'm not looking* *like the mitosis*#look. I'm just . *gestures to the two of them in frustration*#they are very switchy. but also wives. but also not entirely human#maybe i have a type after all.....#or maybe i just don't wanna do any work#i could tell either of them to do a task for me and it is DONE#i am in my peepaw princess phase i do not want to do anything#i just want to look at my wives being cute in their little outfits#nu carnival blade
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work training stream is bullshit i need to watch educational videos on nhk for school dot gov (not the url) theres shit on there thats not Eigorian
#as much as the eigorians have spread their mycelium across my brain i dont rly have the patience to watch the it#unfortunately nothing more frustrating than english learning material for japanese audiences#eigorian was definitely on the better end as i remember BUT...#i am just NOT the audience i am so very extremely not the audience i never have been
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I HATEEEEE DYSPEXIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
#so im driving some little dude to his appointment i left like super early incase n it turns out i was given an address to a fking House ?!?!#obviously he doesnt know the address cus hes just some lil dude so im like ringing up his guardians and#the one that actually goes to the hairstylist cant answer obs cus i had to take his son cus hes busy duh#BUT THAT MEANS IM JUST DRIVING AROUND SOME PLACE IDK TRYING TO FIND PLACES THAT LOOK LIKE HAIR#& when i find one im like uh does this barber sound familiar cus im not taking him to some random one#andlike omg and the entire time im playing music real loud trying not to cuss out in front of this little kid#like IM ALREADY SHIT WITH NAVIGATION. & THEN U GIVE ME THE WRONG ADDRESS AND IT'S RAINING#and he wants to go get an icecream afterwards n im sitting at the barber chatting it up#but i am like actually on the verge of a breakdown cus i made him late bcs i cant just figure shit out#like#it's just so fking frustrating like it makes me feel like a failed adult or smthing like#i AM GOOD. I AM GOOD AT DRIVING#once i know a place im good but if im lost it's like my brain is panicking too much#i have to look at the road and signs and places#like i turned at a green light and completely forhot it wasnt an arrow like i just saw green and went#like i couldve killed this little kidlike#IM GOING FUCKING CRAZY#and i dont want anyone to feel bad or like have to be extra cautious when they need me to drive or smthing#like im alrdy very frustrated with my stupid limitations like in general so like failure kinda just heightens it like#iURGHHH I HATE BEING IMPERFECT I CANT FKING STAND IT IDC IF THATS NARCISSISTIC N PRIDEFULNIDCC#it's better than being EMBARRASSED i HATE BEINGNEMBRASSING AGRGHHHHHH#anyways it's fking raining and it's dark . idek where im gonna take this kid bro like hes hungry#imma go on google YIPPEE#my best friend. google maps who i cant tell distances on so i either turn too soon or too late or rlly fking quick#Ii LOVE MY LIFEEE
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ADHD be like. Here's a 5 step task. The last step is the easiest and therefore barely counts as a step. And then you forget to do the last step.
#the way my brain just sticks things in the completed bin because technically I am done!#but I forgot to like. Export the file or post the image or hand the file over to the client.#grah#VERY FRUSTRATING#I HAVE BEEN DONE WITH THIS ANIMATIC FOR HOURS BUT KEEP FORGETTING TO UPLOAD IT#IT IS DUE AND I NEEDED TO SEND IT#I HAD THE THING FINISHED ON TIME I SWEAR#adhd
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hi, i just found this blog and was reading back on your current submas au. you say you dont like others giving ideas for the au, but unless i missed a post you didnt seem to make it clear any point before getting upset that you didnt like those types of messages or that you already had the story planned out. maybe you should make a post about this being an already written story your releasing bits at a time and not a wip au?
As I see it, that post is a version of that post that you mention. It wasn't an immediate issue, only cumulative because (at current and at time of that ask being sent) there was a larger volume of those kind of asks than there normally are when I start sharing an au that operates the way I'm operating this one: letting people ask questions about things that they are interested in learning about in the au rather than trying to tell a linear story.
So. As it stands, that answer stands as that post. I love questions about my aus. I just ask a bit of consideration on whether or not your ask comes off as simply throwing what-if scenarios at me without considering what I am at all doing with the au. It doesn't feel great.
I guess this post stands as a declaration of what Brothers' Starter is.
#ask raisans#brothers starter au#well making this post made me not good#alas#Just been a bad week overall methinks#I need to do a hard reset on my brain. eat ethiopian food with the family.#so sorry to keep saying this but forgive me if I am coming across as terse or frustrated. I am. Again. Exhausted from. So much. So very muc#I hope I can get back to getting some more stuff done about brothers starter#for now I am just trying to relax with my silly little cafe remix fellas#they make me happy and I am loving drawing them right now :)
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#vent#sorry god not to use this as a space for that since i almost never do but i am. so frustrated.#so context is that over this year i have lost. like. A Concerning Amount Of Weight. without changing anything about my lifestyle.#hell if anything i’m doing worse on that front because i have no fucking energy now. i am constantly exhausted and dizzy. i can’t eat as#well as i used to and i can’t exercise. i do not feel good!!!#but i can’t say a goddamn thing to my family because the minute they hear ‘lost weight’ it’s like their brains turn off and they don’t hear#the rest of what’s going on. it’s purely positive for them.#EVEN IF I DID NOT FEEL LIKE SHIT. AND I VERY MUCH DO. I STILL WOULD NOT LIKE MY BODY SUDDENLY CHANGING ON ME LIKE THAT.#i liked how i looked and i liked how i felt.#i felt so much fucking stronger and more alert like 30 pounds ago. now im always tired and none of my clothes fit and im cold because all my#fucking padding got taken away from me!!!! i needed that!!!!!!!!#im just hoping Something shows up in my bloodwork this month to clue me in to what’s going on because this can’t continue. i hate this.
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Did the Dunwall Trials and immediately gave up on the idea of getting all achievements cause yeah nah that is not happening. My brain does not like a lot of those. I did get all the dolls though, that was important. Also I am putting this into canon making it shit the Outsider has Corvo do at night when he's getting bored. This makes the last jump in the last trial approximately a million times worse and I am living for it.
#dishonored#whale tag#holy shit that last jump jump scared me#i nearly choked on my spit#also a friend on discord said the Outsider makes Granny Rags do this every night and i nearly died laughing#to explain the brain comment#i very easily get motion sick playing in first person#this is made a lot worse when i get frustrated#for example when i have no idea what I am doing
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Your swsh art always makes me want to replay the game because i love it and its my favorite pokemon game and every time i play another pokemon game i think of it how i miss certain elements from swsh. Then i boot up the game and im once again caught in the 1 hour 40 minutes hand held intro and im like ah- now i remember why i have been playing other pokemon games instead of this one. Happy (late?) birthday!
you don't want to listen to hop? you don't want to hear him teach you about type matchups? you don't wanna let him cheer u on...? 🥺 waa....?
#ask#bakuspeech#I am joking to be clear lmao#thank u happy bday to me !!#tbh I got real used to pokemon overexpositioning since sumo lol. it's kind of a boon for me#cause I'm not a Gamer™ and my brain takes stuff on Very slowly#so the tutorial stuff and the cutscenes give me time to catch up. also it's still fun to see these guys run around#I am in fact here for these guys lol. weird thing to say about the game built on and with an essential focus on the pokemon I know#I just like humans! I just like watching hop running circles around my player character all excited#and leon being a dick to his hometown people when they're expecting 'leon' back and they get the champion instead#and you get to see sonia used to dealing with it but the frustration never fully fades and how close she is to hop and that picture's bleak#listen this is my bread&butter lol. leon really doesn't show up That much himself around the game he's a shadow casted over the story#it's always interesting to me! does Not mean it's not sluggish to other people who want to play the game lmao#but I like it. also the tutorial at least the first time around was necessary to me bc the difficulty scales way up later on lol#it's a very good first pokemon game I maintain this. sumo never managed to teach me the same way swsh did#I still care drampa tho thank u drampa for being real I love u#lmao it feels like saying I'm not a Gamer™ violates some tenets of having adhd somehow. but its just the case here#the main genres I play are 'itch games tangential to the haunted ps1 people' and 'popcap-style casual games'#my sport's figuring out shapes n movin my stylus sadly. well not sadly why would that be sad
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#man ive never seen an eating disorder kill someone else besides a parent infecting a child but my nana is really trying#shes like 1000% orthotexic. will not eat anything not filled with vegetables or fat. and my grandpa is 87yo with a heart condition currentl#in the hospital for covid bc thry went to Christmas church and dont believe in being vaccinated and my dad is so frustrated#bc he knows his mom is not gonna give his dad hearty foods. he needs to eat like protein shakes and meat and ice cream. anything thats not#her cooking which sucks on top of being extremely healthy. except its not healthy bc they dont eat a balanced diet#so its my nanas eating disorder killing her husband and shes so fucking frustrating. im like 99% sure she has obsessive compulsive#personally disorder bc she fits to a T and has zero insight. she may have full on 0cd bc talking to my dad he has more obvious 0cd#compulsions than i do. he used to say phrases before going to bed and would take 2 steps across the floor to prevent bad things from#happening. so like im pretty sure my nana is where i get my perfectionism and 0cd. god. i wish i could express how fucked up she is#like my dad said at least he had a stable home to grow up in but like she has zero sympathy for other people. cannot look past herself. wil#not wear a mask bc she doesnt care enough abt other ppl. my dad was like: u would not have survived in that house. which is fair bc i am#barely keeping it together coming from a stable home with two sympathetic parents who i know love me#and like its sad that they're suffering the effects of buying into the fox news bullshit and its killing them#but also. genuinely. i think theyre not very good ppl. theyre the type of people who think they're better bc they're religious. white. and#thin. and theyre not better thsn anyone. their grandchildren cant stand them. well cant stand her at least. papa is just quite so its hard#to say what hes thinking. apparently he was confused last night and saying something about eating dinner on the golf course. which sounds#nicer thsn being in the hospital lol. ugh. he seems not long for this world tbh. may he pass peacefully to b with his 1st wife who died of#brain cancer at age like 20 or something. so it goes. bleh. how many funerals are intended for me in the next 5 years? hopefully none but#that seems improbable with the unspoken drain circling that seems to b going on in this family. old age and like almost 10 years of cancer#defying the stats but for how much longer?#i dunno. its just so weird to watch these things happen and not talk about it directly to the other ppl who see it#i worry that ill come off as too callose or inappropriate bc i have that tendency when something bad is happening but thats everyone else#excuse? idk i just feel like its better to talk abt things#unrelated#ed mention#i tell u this so i can say these things to someone and also bc if i were u. i would like to hear the drama#bc im nosey and i assume other r too ;-]
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Give my man a HAIRSTYLE
#asharts#malotz#hi friends once again I am tired but we persist#ive had a few weeks off for the holidays have have been mostly nice#mixed in with some really frustrating things#as is life#but overal things are good#building a new enclosure for Little Mans and thats coming along real well actually#ill probs share when its done#but I drew very little last year and it was depressing looking at my annual folder#I want to draw more this year#like I really do#gotta re summon the doodle spark from the depths#pls brain stay with me
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#having a creative rut feeling#gonna rant#im basically a giant baby and i don't handle angst very well#and i constantly worry that im just. idk mentally weak or a deeply uninteresting person bc of it.#every big fantasy artist i see is usually very into making sad or angsty pieces and like i wish i was like that#like i fall into this mental hole very very often that im just holding myself back with how many subjects i dont write or draw#but also like when i DO write dark subjects it doesn't make me feel any better??#i dont like feeling sad or angry bc once i am its extremely hard to get back out of it.#and thats scary for me.#but also i want to make art that means something instead of my nonestop slew of smut and feelgood content.#i genuinely feel so trapped by my own emotions and its sp frustrating.#i keep getting told how good for you it is to get the negative feelings out but it never helps when i do it#i just feel. worse? i dont feel good.#i kinda wanna delete the one cloud post bc it just doesn't feel good.#ugh#idk i want to have good intelligent things to say and thoughtful art to make#and everything i make feels soft and cheesey and lame.#not that i find those things lame#but just that it feels like im stuck in baby brain.#when i was a teen i would write horror stories!!! i still love horror!!!#but if i make someone suffer in fic now it feels me with this awful awful overwhelming sense of dread and guilt and i end up so upset#im frustrated at me bc this is such a fucking weird sensitivity to have. im tried of telling myself its okay#bc i WANT to feel mentally free enough to create shit that isnt just uwu soft.#i don't think im making sense but like.#you know#I've literally been bullied out of fandom spaces for only making soft content#multiple times.#so idk maybe this is a learned sense of shame#but i feel like a big over sensitive baby and like I'd be able to do so much more if i wasn't#vent ish
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i think part of my reasoning is that "does simon snow get his magic back" doesn't immediately register in my brain as "simon snow's power is restored to him and he can cast spells again like any other magician" in my brain, he still has magic. magic is everywhere. he just can't use magic on a personal level. and as a guy surrounded by videos without closed captions at work i jus
#del/lat#THIS IS JUST A SILLY THOUGHT SORRY FOR BOUNCING OFF YOUR POST MESSOFTHEJESS#I JUST THINK ABOUT IT A LOT#simon when he lost his magic reminds me a lot of me when i first started really feeling the CursesTM#i too completely fucking caved in on myself for a very long time and thought that my life was over#turns out the time will pass anyway#IT WAS SO FRUSTRATING TO READ BUT LIKE. only because i felt called out so hard. like having an infection excised#there are elements that will always suck (i have repeatedly been told i am Stupid as if that's something i can?? do anything about???)#(buddy if i can't understand you then i can't understand you. sorry let me just flip the lever and Regain Essential Brain Function)#it sucks! and it will keep sucking. such is the way of being able to have thoughts and feelings.#but like. the sun still came up. i'm still on the right side of the dirt. if god wants me dead hes gonna have to come down here himself#watch me delete this in an hour cause i'm shy about being vulnerable on the internet#these are really good useful books for me and i felt very seen
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there's a point at which someone's fear of being a dick wraps back around to them just being a dick anyways
#im side-eyeing those who reblogged my post on ethnocentrism and missed the point#but im also thinking about the tags i saw on being too scared to comment on fic#the first is being ~too scared~ to write cultures other than their own#(1. my point was people should be learning *as they watch the show* not just when they write#2. i just. jfC. stop saying youre too scared to *try* to write from another culture/POV different from your own as tho its a *good* thing)#the second is just annoying/frustrating because being too scared to participate in community is how community's die#i dont want to be dismissive of cancel culture because i do know the stories and there is always indv cases of a person ready to be a dick#but like. its just *not* a thing most people have to be worried about. very likely you're just not big enough to have that concern.#anxiety's no joke but like. u dont just accept the anxiety as the excuse. you have to challenge it. i've been there but u cant feed it.#and i dont want to sound dismissive of that anxiety but im really frustrated with seeing people throw that excuse around#without considering how their fear-based attitudes/actions come off in turn#such as not showing fandom creatives any appreciation for fear of saying the ~wrong~ thing#which comes off as creatives' stuff seeming to be ignored completely or otherwise very discouraging silence#when the only rule for tags/comments is to treat others the way you wish to be treated and apologize if you accidentally tread a toe#and being more worried about accidentally stepping on a theoretical persons toe than interested in showing actual people gratitude#like? pretty sure im not the only one side-eyeing that like ''have u really considered this feeling/logic????''#again: its not saying that anxiety isnt a dick or easy to dismiss but i am saying maybe challenge it or at least reflect on it#i just#blahh#the commenting thing is way more mild than the other but tags arent for that conversation and i need a much better brain space for that one
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Seeing the lady whump stuff going around again and... sigh
For me I think (the problem is) its not about ladies only - its about the distinction between genders and about only reading/enjoying stuff you're attracted to??? Which is the reasoning i most see
ie. i like men getting whumped bc thats what im attracted to
And that's fine if that's what someone is reading for but that isn't the case for me - I'm reading for a story and I want equal representation
(basically i don't want special treatment for any one gender bc of some mysterious ick with whumping the other)
(this is also incredibly dependent on the type of story, like. if you're writing a sapphic story then obviously it'd be mainly about women. gay story? same. but you know what. there are allowed to be mixed genders and nonconforming genders and no genders at all and things are allowed to happen them too... just saying XD)
#this is me trying not to derail another post bc i really am not trying to make it about men XD#i think i'm too asexual for this shit#or maybe im too much of a reader for any of this to make sense#whoever the main protags are in the story are generally who will get whumped#why does the fucking gender matter so much#i cannot wrap my brain around it#i tend to write m/f pairings which makes this especially frustrating#bc those who want lady whump only want to see ladies#and those who are attracted to the guys are turned off bc ew there's a lady in there#or a surprise lady in my case who isn't really a lady lol#i find this whole ongoing debate to be very frustrating tbh#starlit rants#whump meta
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