Tomorrow, I have a meet up/interview(?) For a potential new job. Man am I nervous. It's been a while since I've put myself in this position but I have to learn to sit in discomfort as opposed to avoiding it. Nerves and discomfort lead to growth. I can't expect things to change without putting in the work and doing something new.
Hoping for the best but have a fail proof plan to flee into the woods immediately after in celebration or to soothe my wounds.
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"Good morning, remember not to waste your time on people that don't value you today.."
There's nothing worse than those people that don't value you as the unique, wonderful human bean that you are.. you are so worth it, you owe it to yourself to be happy - eUë
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I recently had to do a project in one of my psych classes, and man, I knew that CBT was used for every little thing, but seeing over and over, "do CBT! CBT is the best for every mental illness!" was so jarring. I'm absolutely biased because of my own experiences, but I just don't think it's as universal a treatment model as it's touted.
If you didn't benefit from CBT, it's not because you're lazy or didn't try hard enough or lacked intelligence or foresight into your own needs. Frankly, it's a therapy model that (I think) shouldn't be the only readily-accessible model and among the only therapy models covered by insurance. Some of us should not be treated in a CBT model and that's okay. It's not a sign of poor character or unreasonable demands, and if you don't think it's a model that works for you, then it's your right to express that!
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The nonhuman urge to go find shiny little pebbles in the nearby creek and splash around in the water and sunbathe on rocks
Grr I need to be here
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imagine being kevin day, son of exy, born and bred to be a cog in the well-oiled machine that is the edgar allan ravens. all you know being the routine of practice and practice and practice and performance and victory alongside those you call brothers.
-and then one day you wake up in your estranged father's apartment between a bottle of painkillers and a bottle of vodka and there is a knot of bandages where your future used to be. you don't wake up at 4am anymore. you sleep until noon and vomit the remainders of life as you knew it into unfamiliar toilets. you watch orange and white clash against each other from sidelines you haven't touched since you started growing facial hair.
your brother doesn't ask you to come home. you would come if he asked. the days are longer here and the food is too rich. the colors are too harsh, the language barrier is too much. you speak and no one understands.
they feel sorry for you, but not for what you have lost, instead for what you have suffered. you try to show them what belonging means, to sever parts of yourself to fit inside a uniform, but they don't understand the necessity of the blade the way your brothers did. they don't understand that suffering feels religious if you do it right.
the therapist tells you it's survivor's guilt but the only survivors you can see are on the court in black and red and they read your eulogy after the game at a press conference. you are not a survivor in any way that matters anymore. how treacherous your heart is for continuing to beat when you can't even hold your lifeline in your hand without dropping it.
you want to go home but your key doesn't open the same door anymore. you want to sit beside your brother but there is no space on his side of the table. you want to be a raven but you are a fox.
you grieve for connection until there is a knife where your neck guard used to sit. you grieve for your life until a boy offers to show you how it feels to survive. you offer to show him how it feels to live. he tells you he won't sever parts of himself to fit the uniform, but there are telltale bloodstains in the fabric from long before you asked.
you wake up at 4am again. you take turns vomiting in the toilet, you when the alcohol level dips too low and him when his smile runs out. he doesn't speak your language but he understands it. he keeps the car running when you visit the therapist. he keeps an eye on your back to watch the 02 on your jersey turn orange. the colors don't seem as harsh anymore.
he offers you safety. he offers you belonging. he offers you the only thing he knows how to give, the only thing you know how to take.
he offers you a lifeline. you pick it up with your right hand.
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edit: please read my additions at the bottom before reblogging this post. please do not reblog this post without also reblogging the others i've linked!
if you saw my reblog(s) of ahmed's donation posts in which he includes his crypto wallets (and my links to those posts), anyone else's posts explaining how to donate to him using those wallets, or any aid post that mentions his ability to accept cryptocurrency and decided to villianise him and accuse him of being hamas for it... you are repulsive. you are not welcome here.
people are dying. paypal and ko-fi take percentages. paypal has a monthly withdrawal limit. i'm the first to admit i know nothing about cryptocurrencies, but ahmed has said it goes directly to him without a service taking a cut. i assume there are fewer or no withdrawal limits. it is harder to track and less regulated, which, in this case, provides an additional layer of security for people being precision targeted. get over it.
anyway. donate to ahmed's ko-fi. donate to ahmed's paypal. follow ahmed @90-ghost for updates on how to help him, and check his ko-fi and tumblr posts for updates. send him a nice ask. reblog his posts depicting he and his family's life in gaza. read tumblr user neaeach (naoual sahe)'s interview with ahmed. bring hope. listen to palestinians, don't speak over them.
ahmed's reblog of his interview, with a link to it:
direct link to the interview:
edit: i don't need reblogs, but palestinians, muslims, arabs, and other people suffering directly due to zionism and islamophobia do! please reblog their posts!! @el-shab-hussein has also made a post about these accusations against ahmed, which @fairuzfan added onto. and please reblog this post with ahmed's latest ko-fi update and all the ways you can DIRECTLY donate to him! thank you
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I spent the night catching up on reading some fic after taking a bit of a breather to focus on writing and omg, it felt SO GOOD. The amount of TALENT in this fandom is unreal. Un. Real. For the past few hours I've been immersed in so many different worlds featuring my favorite characters and it was BREATHTAKING.
And now I'm sitting here thinking about how much fun that was and how I need to do that more often because oh my god the EXHILARATION truly I am just LIVING right now. I felt SO MANY EMOTIONS and I didn't even leave my couch?!
And it's so cool because I was reading one fic and losing my mind over it and mid-way through I went "wow, I want to write a fic Like That." Because it stirred a kind of emotion in me and I'd love to stir that kind of emotion in others and it's got my brain buzzing in a new way I doubt it would have buzzed on its own had I not read that fic and it's just SO. COOL. how creativity begets more creativity and how we all inspire each other.
And it's all because we found This Show and loved it and couldn't let it go, and there are still countless stories to be told and universes to play in and it's SO EXCITING and I love you all and I'm so grateful.
Thank you for sharing your love for OFMD however you share it, thank you for your fic and your art and your text posts and your tags and your comments.
Thank you for being here. 💕
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