#i am terrible at explaining my thoughts
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if anyone seeing this post is under the impression that not attending university lectures is fun and edgy. let me paint you a picture. you are going to look at your calendar one day soon and realise your final is in 38 hours and you still have 17 and a half hour long lectures to watch and take notes from.. and while this is possible to achieve it's not exactly relaxing. yeah i'm still fine-tuning my academic skills what abt it
#aha. ahahaa. ahahaaa.#no okay HEAR ME OUT. this is actually the best position i've been in all year academically 💔 i've taken every final so far this year w/o#having seen any lectures... & in my defense i wasn't skipping bc i thought it was fun or edgy. the real reasons are just too fucked up#to explain. i still wish that i had been better this term. i wish i had been able to make things turn out differently. i am always wishing#but now the only thing left to do is try my best with the time i have left and start again next year#anyway here is an insight into the strange and terrible grief that is my academic life.#so far it is a life mostly full of mistakes. but i will not give up.#it will continue. things will improve.#🐝#SORRY ABT THIS RANT. DIDNT MEAN TO SAY SO MUCH#this was ... supposed to be a joke post#DONT WORRY ABT ME I HAVENT FAILED ANYTHING YET AND IM NOT INTENDING TO START NOW
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I have thoughts to articulate on how N.Elias's analisys of the (artificial, european) concept of "civilisation" being a natural predecessor to and justification of colonialism Does Not Ever mention the USA because at the time it was still in the middle of its transition into having a national conciousness of "this is the (static, perfect) model of democracy and we should export it everywhere". And now its. yk. been doing that to the detriment of the rest of the world. But I'm notoriously bad at articulating thoughts. Anyways read Norbert Elias and think about the current panopticon-like state of things and what the west did with it 👍for me
#[.txt]#infodump tag#i have a uni course on. kind of exactly this. and I find it deeply interestinggg but I can't put it down correctly enough.#as a guy whose main interest is systems of repression I find Elias's work terribly fascinating. I should read Foucault also.#sorry if this sounds pretentious I am not a knowledgeable person I don't know how to explain my thoughts well. so.#this is all very surface level i'm sure. baby's first thoughts on imperialism or something
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I keep trying to write an update and then being embarrassed about it and feeling like I’m trauma dumping on people by updating and I just..I know it’s on me to manage my crap, I know. I am trying (not very well but I’m trying) and it’s just…I don’t know. I don’t even know.
#please know i have thought about hospital but hospital would#genuinely make it worse (like I cannot even tell you how much worse)#i think I’m legitimately just…having a trauma reaction on top#of a jewish trauma spike#and dentists and having to move (I may have cleaned till I shook today also my arm#does not look great#i feel like i don’t actually verbally have the words#(i have tried not engaging i have tried engaging they both feel awful)#(hashem i don’t know would you even embrace me would you…)#(it’s not a meds thing (I take meds for mdd and I know what that looks like and this isn’t it)#(it’s hard to explain the difference between CPTSD and like a panic attack or a depression)#(except that I feel like I’m so so tainted and not in my body or if I’m in my body I’m in my body somewhere else#abuse cw#i didn’t ask for this cptsd and no tshirt was offered#this will disappear probably#UGH#(i am seeing my therapist tomorrow i just..i know i need to reach out to)#(to like my current landlords and ask if I could just pay for a cleaning service to come in)#(i know i need to be like ‘unfortunately my CPTSD is Fucking Terrible Right Now and I need)#(just a bit of grace apologies)#(i do not want my parents to know i do not want that)#(aside from the fact that I am already a burden to them anyway)#a stupid flop of a person i am crying thinking about how i had plans for kids and a wife and travel and…I’m nothing#(everyone else is something I’m not I don’t deserve grace lbr)#it keeps running through my head how many people i thought loved me want me dead#and it’s like I can fake it so well#(i don’t know I may be like sending words to people)#to run through the steps of not being alone#i’m truly sorry i am always not taking accountability and playing the victim and clinging to people#to get reassurance i don’t deserve that its a good person it isn’t it isn’t a person
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WAIT YOU AREN'T AMERICAN???
#Sorry akdbrvekkdbrjekbdke this is just. not the first time I receive an ask of this kind and I really can't figure what makes this idea–#come across and how to stop it akdmbrkskdbbeksbdbeksk#I am. very much not. Besides I feel like my English is super broke so I thought at least *that* would give it away!!!#people asks me stuff#It's just. There's a big modern cultural colonization by the usa of my and other European countries–#which... Eh... Doesn't make me... Well... Uh... Very fond of the usa to put it that way#And I KNOW it's unfair towards the people and I love all of my friends from the usa deeply and truly#But like. I totally get this is just a small thing but like... It's hard to explain.#But you need to understand the influence the usa has on Europe is BAD. And at least in my country it's utterly terrible.#And it's more of an extension of a deep capitalist structure than all usa's fault but like... My country is currently undergoing a–#privatization of healthcare and education following a blatantly american model which is BAD. There's like one (1) thing that our country–#has going on which is free healthcare and some of the current leaders want to change that just because for them if that's how it works in–#the usa then it must be good. It's bad. it's screwed up. Once every year someone brings up making of the country a federal state–#like what the fuuuuuck what is wrong with everyone. Not to mention all the media we consume comes directly from the usa and contributes–#spreading the idea the usa is on top of the world and all other countries are underdeveloped compared to them. You see why it's bad#But like. God this is an awful and faulted way to reduce an extremely complex subject I really can't dwell on because an entire thesis–#could be written on it. But there's a huge cultural colonization in Europe that makes people feel like there's no possible alternative to–#late stage american capitalism which is sooooooo so so so fucked up.#Because capitalism wins the moment people start believing no alternative is possible
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it may be time to consider that i probably do in fact have depression or some type of mood disorder that causes depressive episodes
or i could go watch star trek and forget about it for now
#really guys i'm okay i have a meeting with a mental health professional scheduled i just have to hang on until september (:#i have tried talking to people before#but it never goes well because i'm terrible at understanding/explaining/remembering my thoughts and emotions regarding#any situation that has happened to me in the past#anyway as i am thinking too much and may start spiraling again i will now go watch star trek instead
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GONNA THROW UP GINNA HAVE A OANIC ATTACK GONNA COMBUST
#personal#i got a job offer#and for what it is the money woulld genuinely be really helpful#i would have to put in my two weks at [redacted]#and i am not terribly broken up about that#but i feel bad feel anxious#and more distressingly - it’s a cobtract that goes until november#but i’ve been applying to gard school#and won’t hear back until. march or april or even may#and if i got in i would start august and wouldn’t be able to do both#bc it’s full time#until november#i texted her explaining this and asked if there was any flexibility with the end dated but i doubt it#and if there’s not then i have to say no#but if i say no and then get into none of the schools im going to fuckinv hate myself#tbc - i did not apply for this knowing all the conflicts lmao#i didn’t apply at all#a supervisor with a company i’ve worked with a couple of times rrached out and said she thought the role would be good for me
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Still unwell about Rilke and PH
I love the dark hours of my being.
My mind deepens into them.
There I can find, as in old letters,
the days of my life, already lived,
and held like a legend, and understood.
Then the knowing comes: I can open
to another life that's wide and timeless.
So I am sometimes like a tree
rustling over a gravesite
and making real the dream
of the one its living roots
embrace:
a dream once lost
among sorrows and songs.
#There's in Rilke and especially in this particular book a lot about the world‚ created in the beholding and loving it‚#and one existing to love the world. There's so much about the world being created by that loving and knowing the world of one individual#person that loves and knows it. A kind of feedback loop of existing and being by love and knowledge that is all a participation#on the act of creation. The person coming to exist to love and know the world‚ and creating the world by loving and beholding it#This is also present on Juan Ramón Jiménez‚ among others‚ but 5 yo me was obsessed with those poems. ANYWAY#This topic made me think of Lacie a lot but in this particular poem that topic + the 'I'm sorry' scene + the figure of Lacie beyond Lacie‚#a Lacie that's legend and real‚ a Lacie always sitting under a tree‚ life ending and life expanding so to speak‚...#That kind of knowing it all in a glimpse that is knowing in an instant and eternal (which again reminds me of Kierkegaard‚#fitting I'd say with Rilke). I'm explaining myself terribly but I don't want to talk too much haha But yeah it all seemed very fitting#There was another poem about spiralling so to speak around god that I also thought was very Lacie but very PH in general#('I live my life in widening circles / that reach out across the world. / I may not complete this last one / but I give myself to it /#I circle around God‚ around the primordial tower. / I've been circling for thousands of years / and I still don't know: am I a falcon‚ /#a storm or a great song?'). The spiralling around god in what is still some sort of emanence or reflection of it while being also#different iterations of the self which all reflect it also reminded me a lot of Cantor's transfinite numbers#Which again is quite fitting and coherent with the other authors and PH imo‚ but I may be biased. Anyway yes. This reminded me of Lacie#I didn't plan on drawing anything at first and now I have to flinch to read the poem#I hope I'll recognise enough of what I've written when I eventually come back to this#I talk too much#I should probably delete this later#mine*
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as a dr fan we need to acknowledge that some of the danganronpa characters suffer through chronic liners for bad humor by out-of-touch old guy writers syndrome
#glaring at himiko yumeno. kaede akamatsu. sonia nevermind. akane owari....#uhmmm if anyone wants me to explain i can i dont think i can organize my thoughts in tags rn... maybe later ugnnnn#drv3#danganronpa#Okay fine here are my thoughts#“chronic liners for bad humor by out-of-touch old guy writers syndrome” is a simplified term for this phenomenon where writers#give characters lines not to reveal their characters but to please the audience in distasteful ways for the sake of being ''funny''#(uh maybe i should like... do an actual proper text reblog for this because its hard typing this shit in tags but)#i feel like a huge example of this is kaede's comments towards tsumugi to the point shuich says shes an ''old creep''#although these comments *could* be an extension of her trait for pushing people too far (ex: the tunnel shit)#the comments actually dont. instead they are treated very unserious. in a way they feel so... vague and light#to the point that it appears that those comments *arent* trying to reveal anything about her character#especially since that trait is more specific than quite broad#i get people being uncomfortable with those comments (i am too) but they feel like a terrible#''writers talking through their characters for people to be more engaged with the media in a quirky relatable way'' than anything else#like ''writers are trying to appeal to the audience humor/desires and reach the audience's culture to the point of being out of touch"#so THATS the reason that i feel like it will be weird to shit on ''kaede defenders'' for the comments cuz they're just so..#detached from her character that people hardly take that as genuinely being apart of her character#and if it is genuinely apart of her character then its only as a way to keep people engaged with the story and character#it hardly adds anything meaningful to her character#fuck me these tags are long but onto himiko: most things ive said about kaede's comments apply to himiko's weird#fucking racism comments (ex: the afro comment that genuinely made me a little upset)#but to add onto that. himiko plays into a very specific trope that is ''lo1i girl'' and often that trope comes with quirky and “funny” trai#they're supposed to be so palatable and marketable to the audience and apart of the charm is how ''funny'' they are#the racism comment is way more revealing of the writers than himiko's character itself.. so no himiko is not racist; the writers are.#feeling the need to play into a trope by creating “funny” lines that is basically just fucking racism is just soooo danganronpa#*eyeroll*#and yeah i mentioned the other characters. sonia and akane being a victim of this phenomenon#although this moreso reflects the english translators than the writers of the game...#them randomly speaking in aave (which may i add theyd never do this) for the ''lols'' is a choice..
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my depression is getting really really bad. like it’s been bad before but this is like… consistently really bad. like a long unending stretch for several weeks (and tbh months) now. to the point where no inoculation actually sticks (and im isolating myself from most of my inoculations anyway and feel unable to stop doing it even though i know it’s self destructive). im either helplessly unbearably miserable or numbing out on video games. i just don’t feel like it’s going to get better for me and i KNOW that is factually untrue but the feeling is louder than the knowledge and it’s just utterly immobilizing. ive been sinking in quicksand for 2 years.
#purrs#longer than that too ofc but i think ever since i moved to campus in 2021 and shit started hitting the fan my life just started snowballing#and picked up speed majorly when i moved back home and ive been stuck in this horrible limbo ever since. like im scaring myself with how#deeply profoundly unhappy and unwell i am. i am just detached and scattered and bewildered by everything. and the only way to break free is#to fight it but i don’t even have the strength. like in order to fight it i have to have the strength and it s exactly the thing that is#being stolen from me. and i work really really hard to suppress it when im around people so no one can tell but on the inside im being eaten#alive and every day that goes on the pain gets harder to bear except im numb most of the time so i can’t tell except for when i can#one of the things that makes me saddest is ive pushed everyone away either by ghosting them or scaring them. when what i want and need the#most is love and comfort. but then when i get it it isn’t enough. idk. im not explaining it well i just feel like. horrible. unbearably#i think i need to go on meds like i truly cannot go on like this not even in a s*i cidal way it’s like i just can’t take living like this#delete later#i know im causing the people who love me pain by being unable to accept that they do love me and that’s the worst fucking part. is hurting#people by being like this. scaring people by being like this. and being so disconnected from myself#and feeling completely and utterly beyond help like nothing ive tried has fixed it but also there are a lot of things i haven’t tried but i#feel so terrible or my freedom is limited so i can’t. idk.#also the crushing knowledge / sense that i have lost the most precious important years of my life both bc of the lockdown and bc of mental#illness lol. except that’s not true bc of all the stuff abt how your best years are always ahead of you and you can make them. but it doesnt#feel like it for me and then i beat myself up bc my job is literally to exude that belief and help other ppl feel it and i increasingly cant#i remember in high school having the thought that one day i could be depressed and being conscious that i wasn’t and now i look back on that#and am like… how. and will i ever not be. i don’t think so. it just feels unending
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I'm watching Magpie Murders (I gotta tell you WHY but I'll do that in the tags like a cultured bitch), and all I now am considering is Super Smart Jeeves being a private investigator super famous etc and his daft and dopey assistant Bertie Wooster. Bertie can still be rich and posh and all, he hired Jeeves once and now just sort of hangs around and trails after him.
They are gay and have lots of great gay times obviously also.
#jeeves and wooster#im watching Magpie Murders because my grandma watched some and tried to explain it to me and hooo boy she did not enjoy this#actually that's pretty much the whole reason. Not much of a funny story. she also said it didnt make sense and#was a woman investigating a writer who wrote a murder book about a detective who was writing a murder book and everyone died and she didn't#think you can tell what is fictional and which is true and which of the four (five?) times (fictions?) was happening on the screen#which sounded bananas so i thought yes off the rails terrible tv that is for me#the new Jeeves and Wooster au TV show that is now in my brain is a bonus! I can watch that in the hours i am not watching real TV#Jeeves the private detective au
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#the PROBLEM is. some properties I like I cannot even talk about my Criticisms™ because if I do it attracts people whose side I am NOT on#like in the case of a certain british procedural show adopting old mystery novels that went on hiatus a lot. I did not like season 4.#but that is not because The Ship didn't go canon and it CERTAINLY wasn't because I never thought any of the show was good in#the first place. and I don't like The Main Ship of the c-chibs era but it's because the way it was written was VERY much not for me.#it's not because I think the whole era is trash (that ship was really the ONLY part of it I didn't like I loved everything else)#I DO have beef with some of the choices in season 8 of The Gritty Deconstruction Fantasy Show but they sure weren't ANY of the issues#that anyone else had!!! and I don't think it retroactively ruined the whole show actually!!!!!#like it's just so frustrating. especially since sometimes I DO want to break down what I consider to be unfortunate writing choices.#and I DO want to complain sometimes! but so much of the discussion around various properties is taken up by me just.#trying to explain that I'm allowed to like it in the first place and defending why I don't think it's Unconditionally Bad#so I can't ever like. for example. discuss the deaths in 8x03 and my issues with THOSE as character endpoints#or why they killed mary and had her husband act terribly to her for no reason just before she died#or how shitty it was in the last era for me to see ANOTHER character be mentally ill but in the most unobtrusive palatable way possible#(and then also make that really weird comment about a previous love interest??? who WAS unpalatable in many ways--though not like.#canonically mentally ill. even if I and many other people are drawn to that interpretation.)#perHAPS I want to talk about my confusion over the story's handling of j/d for reasons that are not 'I hate these characters' or#'that's pRoBLeMaTiC and you shouldn't ship it because that's pRoBLeMaTiC'#maybe I WILL just make a 4-hour video essay unpacking all my Thoughts™ on that show. because people don't have to watch it!#they could just hit the back button!
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i know im like predisposed to mental health issues. and this is entirely my own hubris. but i just cant imagine myself getting post op depression after top surgery
#i have wanted it since day one since i knew it existed. since before then honestly#every single aspect of it has been terrible and unpleasant with zero upsides#my mother insisted on me explaining my dysphoria to her in the beginning and she tried so hard to relate to it#“are you sure its not just the size‚ a lot of girls go through that”#YES. I AM SURE#ALWAYS HAVE BEEN#i was sure even before i hit puberty. isnt that insane?#that the thought of going through female puberty was so viscerally disturbing and painful and anxiety inducing to me?#i never even accepted that it would happen until it did. painfully (in the literal‚ physical sense)#can you believe i ever doubted that i was trans ahahhahaha#once when i was maybe 8 a friend i had tried to get me to stuff my shirt “just to see” and the thought was genuinely horrifying#i agreed to it because she kept asking and badgering me and i hated every milisecond i could not tolerate it for even one
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😵💫😵💫😵💫
These sobs really limited my tags?????
I have so many more thoughts this is so so much less than 1/2. Broski. Big dislike
#its ‘i watched a tv show and i need to talk about it in the tags of this site im not on anymore’ time#ty to the void for always accepting my thoughts <3#so honestly its just me thinking about the andromeda tv show. i just finished it and it left me destitute bc i clung onto the first 2 season#s as a basis and had ten thousand questions i *assumed* would be resolved. spoiler alert: they were nto#not*. and the coda addition helps but like. not enough. it explains some of the#oh fyi if anyone is reading or cared there will be spoilers#anyways it explained some of them ex for the cosmic engine bit. seemed pretty relevant and then was never mentioned again#i also MUCH prefer that version of trance — i had speculation she was a sun avatar which i took as confirmation when i finally noticed her#tattoo when harper used it to remind himself he put that data in the sun etc etc but i much prefer the sun-as-consciousness-astral-poject-#ing-slash-dreamjng-itself-a-body / being a little devil. i think that feels much more true to what we got in worldbuilding early on and tbh#the bar is on the floor bc any explanation would be better than what we got. also im sorry but s5 i trusted SO hard that that whole virgil#vox bit in the finale was insulting. couldnt even tie up the loose end you invented at the last minute????? MY god. i understand getting you#r budget halved but like. broski. it would have been better to ignore it at that point imo.#anywhoodle. i also have just ISSUES w the lack of resolution & not doing justice to literally any character#listen. why would you sink SO much effort into tyr just to have honestly what i feel is a disrespectful end to that character. like#tyr required me to do a LOT of thinking bc i sympathized with his position in exile etc while thinking also bro thats real fucked up. bro#stop thats fuckinng e*genics again dude. tbh with the entire species (im not looking up how to spell that rn) bc like the foundation of#their entire race is e*ugenics. (sorry censoring bc im in the tags just venting about tv) which obviously is a terrible idea but i think the#so it was like i am fundamentally against the concept but in show universe theg obviously did it etc but for me provided such a huge like#context to the universe. i fundamentally am not on board with all the commonwealth stuff like yeah i get it the magog are bad and scary but#like the neitzcheans (sp??? idc) are also Right There bein scary. then theres the ‘enhanced’ debate re dylan beka etc that like. is the same#but ‘’different’’ i guess. 🙄 anyways that is just to point out like. the level of thinking this show put me through just to blindside me w/#no resolution. i had SO much hope. tyr selling iut to the abyss is disrespectful to all of the established work the actor did for him and#to the character as well even if i think the ideology is icky. he was shown to be even less and less self-centric survival guy as it went on#and also tbh i didnt understand the him stealing his kids dna thing. i really thought that was gonna gi in a different less bs direction#okay also while im here can i just say. that tyr and dylan had THE most romantic tension to me. everyone else felt very friendshipy and i am#NOT one to usually fall into a ‘they obviously should be together’ pipeline that the writers dont make themselves. but the back and forth (#and intense eye contact) had me sitting there like. it was made in 2000 i know they wont do it but for not doing it they sure did! not that#i think they’d make a good couple (they would not) but that there was definitely something there on the dl you know? something more than#‘mutual respect’ you feel? and tbh! they also ruined the tyr beka thing by making her the matriarch. big ew huge ick.
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having the worst day known to mankind so pls tell me something that has made you really happy recently.... or like any kind of happiness you want to share <3
#pls pls pls I am not doing well#tw rent in the tags!!!#I really thought I was doing well with my roommates#but my one pretty much told me in the kitchen how terrible she thinks I am#all because I sent a text to our group chat saying the dishwasher was dirty and we could put our dishes in their#because I was the one who did it. that is why I sent it. and there was a million dirty dishes in the sink#she said to me and I quote. I do not like being told to do thing#things*#I didn't even tell her to do them... I said I did them and that we could put our dishes in their that were dirty.... I dont get it#and we have pet rats and she told me I basically she does more than me in the house (she doesn't lol)#her reasoning was that she does the rat cage more than I do which is NOT okay because that to her is a shared responsibility#but doing the dishes is somehow not something that should be a shared responsibility ????? I cant explain it BC IT MAKES NO SENSE#she literally just got sooo aggressive and went on to say if the dishes dont get done in a few days that is okay. I have no reason to expect#expect her to help with the shared spaces being cleaned. it will get done when it getsdone#there is more but it is just the same level of entitledment#she was talking over me and calling me passive aggressive when I stood up for myself it gave me an anxiety attack#and she knows I have bad anxiety and I guess she saw my hand shaking from anxiety and said so condescendingly that SHE gets anxiety too#like im so ridiculous for having anxiety#I told her we should talk when my other roommate was home and she ignored that and told me it WOULD happen now. it was so disrespectful#idk im so upset also bc I have a really good day with my friend until I came home to her doing that#going to try and write fanfic to distract myself now ugh#if anyone actually read this and wants to voice how insane she is feel free lmao I am not okay rn
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despite the fact that, for at least 14 years, my Notable Dance Ability™ (to the point that every single new teacher and friend AND the artistic director I last auditioned for have to comment on it and/or make me demonstrate) is That Girl Can Jump, I've never thought much about being naturally good at it aside from joking about my thighs but now I'm trying to figure out how to teach kids the progression from like baby jumps to fun jumps and my brain is just like well. you just. you Just Do It. that is All.
#the first step i was ever asked to demonstrate in a class was pas de chat when i was 7#and now i'm trying to figure out what skills children need to know to do a pas de chat#but my brain cannot conceptualize a simpler version than Just Doing It#it's like me saying i should never teach english bc i'd be terrible at it because it comes naturally to me#jumping is the easiest and most natural part of ballet#how does one explain this#in hindsight this is also making me laugh a lil#because a while ago my teacher was doing his 20 Min Post-Class Private Lecture#and was like ''your coordination is much better when you're jumping'' and i was kinda like#well. yes. that is because i am thinking 0 thoughts you see.#personal#i'm really stuck on this#do they need to know pas de bourre before pas de chat?#i can't think#OH i'll make them do releve retiree switching legs from 3rd#muahaha i have cracked the code#going to be a disaster when i have to teach jetes#YOU JUST DO IT CHILDREN IDK WHAT TO TELL YOU#this is also tbf how i feel about like#italian fouettes#you just gotta commit. it's fine. just Do It.
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Just once I want to google something I’m experiencing and not find out that it’s often a symptom or a side effect of OCD
#i’ve got this fucked up bumpy nail that drives me crazy#couldn’t figure out what was causing it. FINALLY i saw someone on reddit with the same thing#it’s habit tic deformity#googles habit tic deformity. ‘often seen in people with ocd’ greaaat thanks!!!#see i don’t think there’s much point in me pursuing an ocd diagnosis because if they saw my room they wouldn’t diagnose#i’m a terribly untidy hoarder#but between this and the intrusive thoughts and the compulsions (like if i leave anything on the number 13 something bad is going to happen)#plus how i cannot stop messing with my nails because they never look perfect….. daddy might have a fucking problem#i don’t know that it’s ocd specifically but i don’t think my mental problems can be explained away with my official diagnoses#(generalised anxiety disorder and panic disorder)#like why have i been medicated for a year and my mood is better but several of my habits are worse#i mean i stopped biting my nails but other than that.#i literally had a prescription review today (well yesterday. wednesday) and said all was fine#i’m going to look like booboo the fool if i go in there telling them hiiii please figure out what flavour of neurodivergent i am#but SERIOUSLY#personal
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