#ty to the void for always accepting my thoughts <3< /div> Explore tagged Tumblr posts

[sateurn]

😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫

These sobs really limited my tags?????

I have so many more thoughts this is so so much less than 1/2. Broski. Big dislike

[amaramizuki666]

Identity crisis part.2

Danny wasnt having a very good day, week, month, who knows time in the infinity realms has always been iffy. You see danny was recently crowned king of the realms, king of the dead, the balance between life and death, protected of the dead, holder of space, poor kid has a lot on his shoulders.

And now his council including frostbite, amber, and clockwork are suggesting him to marry. So danny can split the responsibility of being king.

Danny is flying to the far frozen when he hears it the call of being summoned. A faint wisper, the wish of those who summoned the ghost king, danny always had a choice weither to go, whether to listen to the whims of the mortals.

But before danny chose to be summoned or not, always depended on what he heard the wisper said. Danny stopped and floated in the green void of the realms. He closed his eyes and listened.

'𝑷𝒍𝒆𝒂𝒔𝒆 𝑰 𝒅𝒐𝒏𝒕 𝒘𝒂𝒏𝒕 𝒕𝒐 𝒅𝒊𝒆, 𝒏𝒐𝒕 𝒚𝒆𝒕, 𝒑𝒍𝒆𝒂𝒔𝒆'

Danny heard the wisper and emiditly let the summon take hold of him pulling him to the one summoning him. Danny opened his eyes to see he was surrounded by a thick ectoplasm like substance. It had the consistency of Elmer's glue and it burned Danny's skin.

Danny looked around himself with ergency trying to spot his summoner. He looked down and saw a kid around his age sinking to the bottom of this pit of green.

His hair was black danny thinks his eyes are blue but cant see them properly they are barely open. The boy looks lucid. But then again he does appear to be bleeding out and sinking in a bit of Lazarus goop sooo.

Danny floats down to the boy and speaks

"𝕐𝕠𝕦 𝕙𝕒𝕧𝕖 𝕤𝕦𝕞𝕞𝕠𝕟𝕖𝕕 𝕞𝕖, 𝕀 𝕒𝕞 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕜𝕚𝕟𝕘 𝕠𝕗 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕕𝕖𝕒𝕕, ℙ𝕙𝕒𝕟𝕥𝕠𝕞. 𝕎𝕙𝕒𝕥 𝕚𝕤 𝕚𝕥 𝕪𝕠𝕦 𝕨𝕒𝕟𝕥".

The boys eyes fluttered. He tried to open his mouth only bubbles escaped but thankfully danny could hear him or more accurately his desire.

"𝑰 𝒘𝒂𝒏𝒕 𝒕𝒐 𝒍𝒊𝒗𝒆'

Danny could feel it in his core, the need to save the need to 卩尺ㄖㄒ乇匚ㄒ. But danny cant just do that no he is the king.

"𝕀 𝕙𝕖𝕒𝕣 𝕪𝕠𝕦𝕣 𝕨𝕚𝕝𝕝, 𝕨𝕙𝕒𝕥 𝕚𝕤 𝕚𝕥 𝕪𝕠𝕦 𝕔𝕒𝕟 𝕠𝕗𝕗𝕖𝕣 𝕞𝕖 𝕚𝕟 𝕣𝕖𝕥𝕦𝕣𝕟 𝕗𝕠𝕣 𝕤𝕒𝕧𝕚𝕟𝕘 𝕪𝕠𝕦" danny spoke.

The boys eyes finally drifted to him, holding Danny's gaze. '𝑰 𝒉𝒂𝒗𝒆 𝒏𝒐𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒃𝒖𝒕 𝒎𝒚𝒔𝒆𝒍𝒇 𝒕𝒐 𝒐𝒇𝒇𝒆𝒓, 𝒃𝒖𝒕 𝒊𝒇 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒘𝒂𝒏𝒕 𝒎𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒎𝒂𝒚 𝒉𝒂𝒗𝒆 𝒎𝒆' the boys heart sang.

Danny thought for a moment. This really was the perfect opportunity.

"𝕋𝕙𝕖𝕟 𝕨𝕖 𝕙𝕒𝕧𝕖 𝕒 𝕕𝕖𝕒𝕝, 𝕗𝕣𝕠𝕞 𝕟𝕠𝕨 𝕥𝕚𝕝𝕝 𝕝𝕠𝕟𝕘 𝕒𝕗𝕥𝕖𝕣 𝕪𝕠𝕦𝕣 𝕤𝕠𝕦𝕝 𝕞𝕠𝕧𝕖𝕤 𝕠𝕟 𝕪𝕠𝕦 𝕒𝕣𝕖 𝕞𝕚𝕟𝕖, 𝕕𝕠 𝕪𝕠𝕦 𝕒𝕔𝕔𝕖𝕡𝕥 𝕥𝕙𝕚𝕤 𝕒𝕘𝕣𝕖𝕖𝕞𝕖𝕟𝕥" danny asks his voice soft yet powerful. The boy accepted.

Danny pulled the boy in ty I his arms. A green aroura not dissimilar to his crown glowed around them as the contract finalized.

This boy was now his. Danny reversed the summoning and brought both of them back to the realms.

Danny looked at the boy in his arms, he was becoming paler. Danny quickly set off for the far frozen. He had to see frost bite regardless. St least now he wont bug him about finding a partner.

_____________

Part 1

Part 3

[charmedreincarnation]

Hi Charmᵕ̈,

I wanted to dm and ask but then thought more people could benefit from your answer so my question is...

How do you feel in your day to day life knowing something your peers don't? Or rather, having done something most people will die without ever experiencing (getting into the void and waking up somewhere completely different)

I'm just really curious what it must feel like! Seeing people struggle in day to day activities when you know, experientially, you could change your life just like that 🫰🏻; I'm imagining there must be a general ease with which you live now that wasn't there prior void?

PS. Your blog is lovely, thank you so much for all the involvement and the fact that you're still here to give advice 🕊🏹🤍💌

Hi bb ty for this ask, bc this is something I struggled with for a while. I used to feel so bad and it was so unhealthy for me. I felt like I was some beholding omnipotent being and I could help so many people and that was my job. But the truth is even if you spoke the law from the rooftops in every city and home , no one would care unless they had the will to.

1. I talk about the law to everyone who meets me tbh. It’s not a secret trust me. Maybe not the same way I talk to people here but everyone knows me as the manifesting astrology delulu girl. When people ask me how I have straight As without studying, I straight up tell them I manifest it. I tell people I use to practice driving while lucid dreaming and that’s how I overcame my fear. When people ask how I don’t have a job in college, but spend a lot, I tell them money always come into my account and it never hits 0, so I don’t worry about that. I straight up tell tell them how I write all my desires down and they come to life just because I say so. Most people either don’t care, don’t believe me, or assume i was just born privileged even if I explain I wasn’t.

2.you’re not special. And not the way you think. You are a special bright star, as a person and I love you of course, but you’re not special about knowing the law. Most people know about the law whether they know what it’s called or not. Some people even know about the law and still don’t care or apply it differently to their lives than now we do, and that’s okay.

3. Some people know the law and don’t care, simply because they don’t. Maybe they already like their life, maybe they don’t believe it, maybe they prefer to follow their religious practices. Idk but a lot of time I tell friends about the manifesting practice I’ve been using and it’s not like they make fun of me.. but they’re just not into that stuff like I am, and they don’t care. I will go on rambles about how we can have whatever we want in this life, and they’re just like “okay nice .. anyways I hate matthew so much” That’s okay! it doesn’t make you special or enlightened nor does it make them dull and ignorant. Just makes them, them, and you, you. We are god. If they wanted to utilize the law like you have, they would have already. Maybe not today or tomorrow, maybe in another life time, or maybe never idk but that’s not my reality or problem.

4.we as a community gotta drop the hero complex. Trust me I had to work through this in therapy. (Void/manifesting or not, therapy has benefited me in so many ways guys! Get therapy no matter how good your life is. If I were president therapy would be mandated for everyone that’s how hard I ride for it!) but anyways, you’re not going to save the world. Accept that now, it’ll save you the trouble, guilt, and doubt later. Just trust me I could elaborate all day but we all know it’s not realistic or mentally healthy for us. Btw anon this is a shot at myself. not you or anyone else who feels the same 💗

But thank you for your kind words. The point Is don’t compare yourself to other people or try to see your past self in them! It’s not healthy and most people given the chance won’t care or want your delulu advice. In fact most people will make fun of you, it’s just the life we’re in. But I believe the law finds.. well Moreso your will find whatever you need, given who you are. Which is even more of a reason to not give up. Not only did you find the law, you’re still here even with your trials and tribulations, even with the doubt and uncertainty you know it’s real, so that’s really the only thing you should take from the given situation you asked!

But yes life is on easy mode for the most part. But generally it feels the same because I keep myself fulfilled even here! Especially as a shifter it’s easy to feel more grounded here remembering it’s also a reality with amazing people, foods and things to explore. And I will make the most out of it otherwise what’s the point.

*also I use delulu as a positive adjective towards myself everyday. I have reclaimed it in a cute slay way. Being delulu has gotten me my dream life, so yea I’m gonna use that word happily contrary to societies perception of that world <3! Just clarifying bc I know how people get with that word

[happyandticklish]

wait no because those rants are so relatable??? sometimes I find myself questioning if I'm still even ticklish, like I remember what it was like from when I was younger but now it can be so hard to laugh and it sucks because I really really want to. there are acceptions like if I go to get a checkup and they're checking heart rate or if I'm getting a back scratch I suddenly cant keep myself still or quiet, but then??? for example just last week a friend offered to tickle me when they came over and I was ecstatic that they'd offer, agreed like it was the best day of my life, only to barely feel it at all. It's genuinely upsetting and I was a little surprised to see these rants under your blog because whenever I get sad about not being as sensitive as I'd like I always think about your tumblr @ name and how great it is that people out there get to experience it to a fuller extent even if I got a smaller end of the stick. like no cap that has genuinely been my thought process and it's what brings me to a melancholy conclusion almost every time. Didn't know it was common to be like this? made my week seeing to I'm not the only one. like I actually dont know what to say this feels so refreshing thank you!!!!!????? ( + the anons :)

Aaaaaaa I'm glad you could take some comfort in this anon!! ^^ Even if it was born out of an intense lee mood and hormonal shit at 3 in the morning, it's cool that it actually resonated with some people! I COMPLETELY get your first point, there's so many moments of things that aren't supposed to tickle tickling (like shower pressures or putting your hands on the outside of a blender or someone pinching me) and it's hard to be chill about it, but then the second you ACTUALLY get tickled it's just,,, nothing.

If it makes you feel any better, I genuinely do believe that it is purely a matter of technique. The fact that other things are tickling you shows that at the very least you are ticklish, it just has to be unlocked through other methods.

A lot of times if you're anticipating the tickling, it can be easier to control your reactions, because you feel in control with it. Obviously most people aren't comfortable with this right away and you don't have to pick this option, but something as simple as tying your hands up so they're unable to help you can work, as it immediatelly increases vulnerability. Blindfolds and teasing can also help with that.

Also, sometimes it's about directing your ler, even if it feels awkward or stilted. If they stumble across something that even slightly tickles, have them stay there, maybe try more or less pressure, show them whether scratchy tickles or poking works, whether your need rough digging and grabbing or gentle traces. Everyone's different, and a lot of times the things that work on one person will be rendered null and void on another. Using tools can be useful too, or lotion, anything to increase your sensitivity.

Being ticklish is just as much a state of mind as it is a physical ability, so getting to a place where (a) you feel comfortable laughing and reacting around your ler and (b) you also kind of DON'T feel comfortable around them, more in the, 'they make you nervous and giggly right off the bat' type of thing. Our inhibitions can often choke up our responses, so teaching yourself to relax in those circumstances can greatly help.

It might also be that you're just not that ticklish, and that's okay too! Being a lee/switch is entirely based around how you feel about tickling as opposed to actually being ticklish. You can be a barely sensitive at all lee who still enjoys the feeling, or a hyper ticklish ler who can't stand to be touched, and both are incredibly valid! You should never feel like you're of less value because you feel like you aren't meeting certain "qualifications" of what a lee/ler/switch should be.

Here's to hoping you can get tickled to your heart's content in the future!

[adonis-koo]

ghostin him

Summary: Life is nothing more than dull colors for you, your world shattered and laying in the shards of what once was rather than focusing on what is. That is until you meet Kim Namjoon, who is immediately taken by you without realizing you’re a girl with a whole lot of baggage, through tears and many sleepless nights you’re faced with a choice of hanging on with bleeding hands, or accepting what is, and letting go.

‘What did you do?’

‘I ruined everything. I kissed her and she looked at me like I was a ghost.’

Pairing: Namjoon/Reader, Taehyung/reader

Word Count: 26k

Genre: hurt and comfort, angst with a happy ending, whew this one is gonna hurt y’all, bakery!AU, one sided pining, unrequited feelings, some more angst, Jungkook just really loves his Noona, Namjoon is a mess, but so is MC,

Warning: this fic deals with major character death, mourning and suicidal thoughts, please read with caution!

Note: whew, I’m not gonna lie guys this is a pretty heavy fic! I poured a lot of sad feelings into this as just a way to vent out my sadness! I’d also like to mention I am fine lmao! I often get bouts of sadness and all of it went into this so I hope you enjoy! Last but not least a big big big thank you to @tiny-onecx​​ for beta reading this when it was a giant mess and helping me turn it into the bittersweet story it is today! <3

“Baby, come on, wake up,” His deep, dulcet voice quietly called out, a whine escaping you as you flopped onto your stomach, your face buried. Large hands grabbing your waist as his fingertips dragged against the open skin, “C’mon, you missed your alarm clock.” You felt his nose rub against your neck, hair tickling your skin and his body was so warm. 

Rolling over you groaned as you glanced at the man who laid beside you, Taehyung’s smile lit up like the sun as he let his fingers gently brush over the skin of your face, “Morning.” 

Adoration filled your whole chest, butterflies swarming in your stomach with giddy happiness you couldn’t ever adequately describe as a shy smile tugged on your lips, “Morning.” His fingers dragging down to your lips, thumbing the soft subtle lower lip. His forehead pressing against yours as he smiled once more, “Come on baby, let’s get up.” 

“Get up.” 

“Y/n, you’re gonna be late for work, what the hell!?” 

Your eyes cracked open as you groaned, your roommate Jimin was already dressed and had probably already eaten breakfast as he sighed, frowning at your somewhat confused figure as your head snapped to the other side of the bed. It was like a sucker punch in the gut, seeing the other side of the bed empty. Tears already threatened to spill, the butterflies in your stomach were gone, his deep voice along with it as you realized Taehyung, the man you had woken up with was just a cruel dream, “I’ll be up in a minute.” You muttered, covering your face with your pillow as you choked back a crack in your voice. 

You could feel Jimin’s presence stay in the room at the sound of your muffled sob, refusing to show your face from your pillow as you curled up away from him. You didn’t want to talk about it, he knew it, but it still hurt to watch you. Even after a year it was like time had stopped, would it ever heal? Your door quietly shut after a minute as you pressed your face into your pillow to quiet your sobs, hugging it close and praying maybe if you tried hard enough you’d fall back asleep where you’d be with Taehyung again. 

It didn’t matter how much sleep you got, your body was permanently lethargic and tired, getting out of bed every day was always a difficult task. Tears stained your face as you grabbed your phone, sniffling as you muttered, “Shit.” You dropped your phone into your lap as you pressed your hands to your face. You were late. Again. Your boss had been understanding the first six months, but now? Not so much. 

You got up, hurriedly wiping your face as you sniffled once more, fumbling with your clothes as you changed. Tying up your hair as you grabbed your phone before hurrying out the door, Jimin long gone for work so at the very least he wasn’t going to nag you for being late. It didn’t matter what you did, you tried everything, a new hobby, crafts, drawing, baking, nothing worked. Nothing filled the void in you. You could find Taehyung in everything you did, always. 

Straightening yourself out you opened the door to the cafe you worked in. The only thing that made you feel better was working, filling your life with nothing but endless busy work to keep your thoughts off of him. It worked until you got off shift and rinse repeat. That was all your life had become now. 

It used to be filled with vivid hues and rose colored glasses with Taehyung, he found beauty in everything and he showered you in all of it, he taught you optimism and love in a way you never thought you could feel it. You had gotten so used to his presence you didn’t even realize how much you radiate happiness when he was with you. Now your life is a bleak endless void; work, cry, sleep. 

It’s all the energy you had to do anymore, what was the point in doing anything else? You’d never get to experience life in the beautiful eyes of Taehyung again. You sucked a sharp breath of air in as a voice called out, “Hey! There you are Noona.” Like a blessing from above your coworker called out with a big bunny-like smile. 

“Thank’s Jungkook.” He hadn’t even said anything but you couldn’t help but give a weak smile in compensation for him not ratting you out to your boss who luckily wasn’t in today. He knew what happened, but he rarely ever brings it up, perhaps sensing you were still grieving and would prefer to keep your mind off it. 

But you knew you couldn’t fool anyone, your smile always seemed sadder these days, Jungkook more than anyone could sense it. Rounding the counter you set your bag down as he asked softly, “Are you good?” That was all he ever asked, an open invitation that if you ever wanted to talk about it he’d be more than happy to listen. Many people in your life were like this, bless all of them. 

“Yeah, I’m fine.” You mumbled, refusing to look at him as you dug through your things, pretending as if you were looking for something when you genuinely couldn’t look at him, few words could cause you to burst into a faucet of tears and you refused to cry at work. 

If you turned around to look up at Jungkook’s stupid, soft, doe like eyes that were always so understanding you’d surely start crying. You didn’t have to look at your coworker to know he was frowning but said no more, just like always. 

You didn’t mean to push all of your friends away, but you simply needed time alone, by yourself to get through this. If ever. Some days you couldn’t help but wonder if you’d ever get over it, if you’d ever love someone the way you loved Taehyung again. Pulling the apron on you pushed all of your sad thoughts to the back of your head and got to work. 

Work was your happy place, as happy as it could be at least. You could pretend, just for a little while. That everything was okay, “Hey, where did the flour go?” Yoongi came out of the back complaining as he glared at Jungkook, “You closed last night.” His eyes narrowed into daggers at the younger boy who impishly smiled in response, 

��Hyung it’s where it always is, didn’t you check the top shelf? It should be there.” Jungkook insisted as he followed Yoongi to the back who was grumbling, said-baker not liking his ingredients misplaced. You felt a small smile tug on your lips as you watched them bicker as the door to the back shut. 

Turning away you walked up to the register where a customer had been scanning over the menu before ordering. Fixing coffee, getting a croissant, it was quaint work but something about it made you feel happy. Reminded you of simpler times. 

The bell against the door rang as you popped up from your crouched position, setting the plate and coffee on the counter as you called out the customer's name before going back up to the register, carefully watching the man whose eyes met with yours suddenly smack right into a table. 

You winced a little as he grunted in pain, rubbing his thigh that hit the hard edge of the table, his face looking oddly red as he rubbed his neck, unable to hold your stare for a even a short period of time as he awkwardly coughed, frantically looking over the menu, “Uh, you can take your time sir.” You raised an eyebrow as you glanced away, why was he making this feel so awkward? 

“O-okay, thank you.” He offered a sincere yet somewhat odd smile, your eyes immediately flickering to the pretty dimples that poked into his cheeks before he quickly looked back up at the menu as you turned around to wipe down the counters that had gotten crumbs all over it. Presumably from Jungkook eating yesterday's leftover pastries that didn’t sell. 

Casually you glanced at the stranger, sure you had a few new people every day but generally the cafe only had regulars come in or people that stopped in a few times a week. It was a trendy little place and was close to the city’s college campus making it a hot spot for friends to study at. 

“You don’t look like you’ve been here before.” You commented causing him to jump, his eyes flicking to your figure before immediately back to the menu. 

“I uh- Probably because I haven’t,” He gave an awkward smile as he closed his eyes, without even fully realizing it you felt your lips tug into a tiny smile as he began to relax a little at your observation, “My friend constantly talks about how amazing the pastries here are so I figured I’d come by and try them, just the smell is making my mouth water.” 

Letting your arms rest against the counter you hummed, “You should try the coco cream cupcakes if you like chocolate oh! Or the sugar glazed puff pastries if you want something light and low on the sweetness.” Sugar glazed pastries were your favorite, Yoongi would always let you take leftovers home if they didn’t all sell that day. You always loved sharing them with-

“Alright! I’ll have two of the sugar glazed pastries then! Oh, can I get an americano to go with it?” He asked, seemingly confident in your choice of sweets or maybe just a little overwhelmed at how much was crammed onto the small menu. 

To be fair Yoongi was always whipping out new recipes and they always tasted delicious, he eventually had to keep some limited edition due to the limited space on the menu and sometimes he’d put up seasonal sweets as well. Your favorite was never pumpkin spice but nutmeg and cider cinnamon rolls, it tasted like october. October would be coming around again soon, it was hard to believe it would be a year soon…

“Of course.” You coughed out, hands fumbling somewhat as you tried to keep your mind from sinking into a place where it would not return if you let it, “Name?” 

“U-uh what?” He asked, looking somewhat sheepish and caught off guard as you glanced up from the register, tilting your head at the sight of his flushed face and eyes that kept jumping between you and the menu over ahead as if to appear like he wasn’t staring at you.

“For the order…” You replied somewhat hesitantly, a frown on your face as he suddenly laughed, looking mildly relieved as he rubbed the back of his neck. Still refusing to meet your gaze as if he seemed a little embarrassed.

“O-oh right. Namjoon.” He offered a weak smile as you wrote it down on his cup. Ringing him up you gave him his receipt before working on his americano. Jungkook just then opened the door to the back, the front of his black shirt completely covered in flour and his face looked as if he just sucked on a lemon. 

“...Do I wanna ask?” You frowned though you felt your lips threatening to tug into a smile at his exasperated expression, turning to face the register as he mumbled something about accidentally putting the flour in the pantry. Setting the sugar glazed pastry neatly on a plate before placing the plate and drink on the counter calling Namjoon’s name who appeared to be typing very passionately on his phone before glancing up. 

“Thank you- ah…” He paused for a moment, his eyes dropping to your shirt before he smiled brightly at you, “Y/n.” Your name tag was a little crooked today, making it stick out from your clothes in an annoying way but you couldn’t be bothered to adjust it. 

You gave a small nod as you turned around, glancing at Jungkook who seemed to watch both you and the man- Namjoon like a hawk as you asked, “What?” 

“Nothing.” He shrugged but it definitely did not look like nothing, before you could interrogate the younger boy he was already taking a customer's order. Sighing, you shook your head before you began working on the next order. 

The day went by quickly as always, the only thing that stuck out was when Namjoon left, waving at you before accidentally smacking against a chair that had been left unpushed by a table, causing him to stumble. You weren’t sure why but something just seemed….

“He likes you.” 

Your head whipped back over to Jungkook who was finished the last of cleaning before taking off as if his shift ended an hour earlier than yours. You couldn’t help but scoff as you rolled your eyes. 

“I’m being serious Noona!” Jungkook frowned, waving his hand to the door where Namjoon had long since left, “He kept smiling like an idiot while glancing over at you working.” You crossed your arms as you tilted your head.

“You were watching him eat?” You raised a brow, Jungkook’s face flushing somewhat as he glanced away, mumbling a no despite knowing for a fact he definitely was, “He’s just a customer Jungkook.” You dismissed him making a cute pout tug on his lips. You...you couldn’t even think about someone liking you. 

It wasn’t possible. Not right now at least. Jungkook sighed, his lips still tugged into a pout and those dumb doe eyes of his always getting the better of you as you scowled looking away, he was so stubborn when he wanted to be, “You might not be ready to move on Noona but that doesn’t mean other people can see that.” 

Your jaw clenched and your eyes glared against the counter, refusing to look at him as he sighed, “Bye Noona, see you friday.” You mumbled a goodbye as you sighed, closing your eyes as you rubbed your forehead. Just keep breathing. 

“Awh don’t cry baby,” Your cheeks squished and lips peppered against your face as you sniffled, trying your best not to cry at the sad scene in the movie but failing as a small whimper escaped your lips, “You’re so cute.” 

You shoved him causing laughter to erupt from his lips as you scowled while sniffling, “Tae shut up!” He gave you a playful nip on the neck as he hauled you into his lap, pressing little kisses against your head as he wrapped his arms around you. 

“Don’t worry baby, I’ll always be here to wipe those tears away.” He thumbed a tear against your cheek before his hands suddenly grabbed at your waist, a squeal leaving your lips as he ruthlessly tickled you, giggles escaping you as he pushed you down against the bed, “There’s that pretty smile.” He cooed, that playful boxy grin of his on his face as you squirmed beneath him, tears pricking in your eyes at how hard you were laughing. 

Now your eyes were blurring out of sadness, funny how you took those moments for granted when you still had him. Your fingers traced the image of his face on your phone, it was a dumb selfie you had took one morning together when you were half asleep. 

What you’d give to be with him again, have him beside you in bed telling you to get off your phone while whining to hold you. You could almost picture him beside you, his hair in a multitude of colors but your favorite was always that stupid blueberry dye he had insisted was indigo. 

His hands would be cupping your face, your hand gently grabbing your cheek as you closed your eyes. He’d always thumb your bottom lip before letting his pads delicately trace up your cheekbone. Opening your eyes the bed was still empty, the hand on your face was not his, but your own. 

Tears began to pool in your eyes as you rolled onto your back, closing your eyes as you felt a wet tear roll down. Sniffling as you sat up, you couldn’t be here alone tonight. Not surrounded by everything, wearing his old hoodie he’d always give you when you were cold, surrounded by memories of what could have been. What was supposed to be. 

Fumbling you stood up, ignoring all the pictures framed of your smiling figure hugging the love of your life. Covering your mouth to keep yourself from sobbing, Jimin would have to be up early tomorrow and you didn’t want him to feel obligated to deal with you. Putting on your shoes you sniffled as you wiped your cheeks. 

How late was it? Two in the morning? Maybe even three, you could never truly sleep anymore, not when you weren’t in his arms, not when every moment you breathed the ache filled you. Your feet took you to the only place opened this late; the convenient store. During nights when you didn’t have to work the next day Taehyung loved taking you here when you had a stressful day. 

Always rambling about how nothing could cheer you up like a nice hot bowl of ramen. You couldn’t help but smile at the irony as the tears dripped down your cheeks. Wiping them as you entered the store. The cashier looked bored, headphones in and reading a magazine not even acknowledging your presence as you walked to where the ramen was held. 

What you didn’t expect to do was ram into what felt like a brick, “Ah!” You stumbled as the man quickly grabbed you by the arms to keep you steady, taking a moment to steady yourself you glanced up only to feel your lips part, “Namjoon?” 

“Y/n?” Namjoon hurriedly let you go, looking at you in somewhat disbelief as you flusteredly rubbed your eyes, realizing they were still wet with tears, “Are...are you okay?” He asked somewhat hesitantly as you turned away from him, tears flooding your eyes as your shoulders bobbed. 

“Y-yeah.” You sniffled, trying to keep your breathing under control, “I’m okay.” You forced it out as you covered your mouth. Rubbing your eyes once more as you hesitantly took a peep at him, his expression said it all. Truthfully, anyone who had seen you like this always gave you that same expression. Pity. His brows pressed together and lips parted but frowning slightly, “I’m fine!” You forced a smile as another tear trickled down your face, turning away from him again you let out a soft sob as you closed your eyes. 

“...Maybe we should get some ramen and sit down?” Namjoon offered while rubbing his neck, “I’m assuming that’s why you’re here?”

....

Glancing down at your cup of steaming warm ramen you sniffled, refusing to look up at the somewhat skittish man who seemed genuinely worried for you. 

‘Come on baby, eat up, it’ll make you feel better’

Tears already blurred your eyes again as you closed them, letting out a soft sob, lips trembling as you chopsticks shook, slurping on your noodles as you suppressed your cries. The warm broth making you realize how hungry you were as you swallowed. 

“Do you wanna talk about it?” Namjoon offered, his expression sad, unsure of how to help you or even if he could, but it seemed he wasn’t leaving anytime soon as he began eating his own noodles. 

You stayed silent as tears dripped down your face, clenching your cup with a death grasp as you forced the noodles into your mouth, closing your eyes as you savored them. Unable to even speak as you shook your head. You couldn’t talk about it...it was too soon. Even coming up on a year and it was still too soon. 

You felt pathetic living like this, you were crying in front of a stranger while eating cup noodles at a gas station at three in the morning. Where would you be if Taehyung was still here? At home, asleep in his arms. Closing your eyes you let the tears slide down your face as you surrendered to the hurt you had been drowning in the moment your life was turned upside down.

For the first time, you were grateful to have company, even if you didn’t speak a word to Namjoon he made one sided conversation, rambling about how he had stayed up too late studying for an exam and how he was hungry but didn’t have anything at his dorm. 

“I’ve been trying to keep my Bonsai tree alive but...gardening is kind of hard to learn,” Namjoon continued rambling on, confessing as he looked a little embarrassed, awkwardly leaning his seat as he mustered a weak smile while looking down at his cup. 

His voice was...soothing to listen to admittedly. Namjoon was oddly poetic in the most unexpected way, he told you he loved philosophy and going to the art museum in his free time. He seemed to be able to find anything to talk about even if you weren’t receptive, but oddly enough he didn’t seem bothered by it. 

You were curled up, your knees against your chest and hood burying your face as you listened to him intently, your eyes undoubtedly bloodshot but you had stopped crying a good ten minutes ago, sniffling as he sighed, “But from what I’ve read basically if it doesn’t vibe with the dirt it just dies.” 

The snort that escape you made his eyes shoot up to look at you, a giggle breaking out on your lips as you stared at your noodles which had become lukewarm, sniffling a little as a tiny smile tugged on your lips, shaking your head as you mumbled, “That’s not exactly how gardening works. You wanna make sure the soil is good quality and damp, dry soil kills plants fast when they transfer pots, you also need to make sure the roots aren’t overgrown when you transfer it to a bigger pot.” 

“Oh? I didn’t take you for a plant expert.” Namjoon quipped playfully, that pretty dimpled smile on his lips, obviously happy to get a not just a smile but also a laugh from you. 

You glanced at him for a moment, your lips quirking a little as you raised a brow, shaking your head as you smiled back at your cup again, “I consider myself a bit of dirt viber.” You couldn’t stop the laugh that escaped you as Namjoon joined in. After a moment you paused as you exhaled softly, your smile eventually melting off your face as you meekly glanced at your cup. 

“I should get home...work in the morning.” You mumbled as you glanced at your phone, it was already 3:30 in the morning and you needed to be up by seven...the latest if you didn’t want to be late again. 

Namjoon nodded understandingly, giving you one last smile when you left. Once again alone, yet for the first time in what felt like a long time, your mind lingered on those pretty dimples. 

“You look tired Noona.” You glared at Jungkook who was sucking on a lollipop, giving you a bratty smile as he tried to ruffle your hair only to earn a slap in return, a pout forming on his lip, “Did you think about what I asked?” 

Bless the little brats heart, Jungkook was genuinely trying to get you out there again but you had become a shell. You didn’t want to go to parties, you didn’t want to go to the park, you didn’t even want to get groceries anymore. You just wanted to lay in bed for a very long time. 

“I’m not interested in going out Jungkook.” You glanced at him tiredly, truthfully you had a good excuse, you were running on three hours of sleep and caffeine could only carry you so far for eight hours, rubbing your eyes you sighed as he whined with a groan. 

“You always say that!” Jungkook pouted, much to your surprise Yoongi had shown himself out from his cave as he pushed the door open, a fresh platter of sugar glazed pastries on rack as Jungkook huffed, “Just this once, please?” 

“Jungkook,” Yoongi warned as he glanced at the younger boy, taking a glance at you as he frowned, setting down the platter he picked up a pastry as he handed it to you. 

Glancing down at the fresh baked soft flaky treat you sighed, “Is this what’s my life come too?” Both boys glanced at you as you stared at the pastry, “Pity pastries and being dragged to parties?” 

You shoved the sweet treat into your mouth as you chomped down on the soft doughy material, the sweet crisp sugar glaze was crunchy against the soft warm dough of the pastry. “Well hey, if you don’t appreciate my pastries...” Yoongi tried to snatch the half eaten treat from you but you hurriedly shoved it into your mouth as you glared him down. 

The door suddenly jingled, catching all of your attention only to see the bright smile of only the most genuine and sweet person you had ever met, much to your surprise a more bashful person was being dragged behind him, “Hey Y/n! Kook, Yoongi!” Hoseok waved happily as he bounced up to the counter, Namjoon rubbing his neck as he gave you a somewhat sheepish smile before hurriedly looking at the menu. 

“Lemme get a caramel macchiato with a carrot cake bomb and...oh! Are those fresh sugar glazed pastries…!” Hoseok’s eyes practically sparkled as Yoongi cleared his throat, ears looking somewhat pink. 

“Fresh out of the oven…” He mumbled causing Jungkook to snort- as if he was any better around guys or girls for that matter. You found it all amusing as you already began working on the macchiato. 

“And Namjoon?” You turned to glance at him as he perked at the sound of his name, he glanced up at the menu as he hummed. 

“Could I try the mystic mountain tea? It sounds really good…Oh, with a chocolate stuffed croissant.” Namjoon answered as Jungkook rang them up, Hoseok’s attention was solely on Yoongi and you could tell he was excited by the way his voice became all fluttery. Yoongi rarely ever left the back room where all the baking was done. 

“It is,” Your back was turned from Namjoon as you spoke, “It’s made with mint, pine needles and chamomile but we use cane sugar with it to give it a nice sweet flavor. It’s one of my favorites.” You smiled as you turned to face him, setting down the macchiato as you grabbed another cup. Namjoon’s smile seemed automatic, his somewhat slouched figure before straightening and it seemed as if he didn’t even realize it. 

“Oh so you like gardening and tea?” He playfully quipped, rolling your eyes you turned to face the brewer again as you felt a smile tug on your lips, “You seem like a woman of many weird talents.” 

Pouring the hot water into the cup you set it down as you glanced over your shoulder, “Says the one that’s struggling to keep his Bonsai tree alive.” 

“Hey!” Namjoon’s brows pressed together and his dimples popped out making you laugh, “It’s not my fault it’s petty and sensitive to literally everything.” You waved a dismissive hand as you walked to the door to the back, intending to get the jar of tea leaves that somehow made their way back there, “Keep telling yourself that.”

Your figure disappeared as Jungkook tilted his head, a mischievous smile on his lips as he hummed, glancing between the door and Namjoon’s lopsided smile as he commented, “You know, that’s the first I think I’ve seen her smile in the past two months.” 

Namjoon glanced at him as he frowned, “What...do you mean?” He asked carefully, his thoughts going back to last night, your eyes bloodshot and tears staining your cheeks, he would be lying if he said he wasn’t curious. But a part of him was worried at the way you seemed so melancholy. He could see it in your eyes with every interaction he had. They always seemed so sad. Namjoon was happy, grateful even though he had gotten a few glimpses at what your smile looked like happy, bright, beautiful even… 

Jungkook shrugged, not answering as you reappeared, opening the door with tea leave jar in hand as you scooped the leaves up into a metal steeper, “Alright this should be done in a few minutes.” Jungkook had meanwhile set out their pastries but it seemed like Hoseok had Yoongi trapped, his ears were pink and he looked ready to crawl back into his little hole once more. 

“So you’re coming tonight, right Yoongi?” Hoseok flashed a bright charming smile at the brooding male who shifted away from him, “It’ll be a lot of fun, Jungkook is going.” To which Jungkook enthusiastically nodded. 

“...I need to go check on my pastry puffs.” Yoongi mumbled, his cheeks bright pink as he hurried back into the kitchen as you snorted, an amused smile tugging on your lips as the doors rocked back and forth. 

Hoseok’s lips tugging into a pout as he sighed, “Do you think he hates me?” He shoved the pastry into his mouth as he glanced at his plate depressively. 

“Uh no, he’s just a panicked gay,” Jungkook clacked his tongue, “I wouldn’t take it personal. If I can’t get miss broody here to go I’ll make sure he does.” Jungkook wrapped an arm around you as you glared at him, making a cheeky smile tug on his lips. 

“You won’t go Y/n?” Hoseok shot you puppy eyes as you sighed. Hoseok was a regular at the cafe and chummy with just about everyone, if he was a sim character you just knew for a fact he’d be a friend to the world trait to a T. 

He had been coming here for the past month straight which made you wonder if Hoseok was the one who recommended Namjoon come here. 

You shook your head, offering a weak, tired smile as you shrugged, “Not my cup of tea. Speaking of.” You whirled around, pulling the steeper out of the cup before dropping in three sugar cubes before popping on the lid, “Here you go.” You handed it over to Namjoon who looked excited to try, something subtle yet innocent in his expression as he poked his straw through and gave it a sip. 

“You were right! No wonder it’s your favorite, it’s delicious.” Namjoon complimented, something about his sincere tone of voice, or maybe it was those stupid dimples of his. Whatever it was your lips tugged into a smile and yet, you felt...bashful? Lowering your gaze a little as you rubbed the back of your neck. 

“You should try the lavender dream next time if you really like tea, it’s another good one.” You offered meekly, suddenly feeling a little timid under his gaze as you fumbled with your apron. A sudden well of feelings dowsing you. Insecurity, guilt, shame. Why did you feel so bashful in front of Namjoon...how could you when...When Taehyung…

It felt like a stab in your heart as you inhaled sharply, “I-I should go check stock real quick for pastries.” You mumbled, leaving all three boys dumbfound. Entering the back you grabbed your head as you felt your hands tremble. 

Guilt

Guilt

Guilt 

Guilt 

How could you betray Taehyung like this?

You shouldn’t feel this way.

You don’t deserve to.

Taehyung would’ve never done this to you.

How could you do this to him?

Your heart was beating frantically as your hands trembled as tears began to trickle down your face, “Hey, hey, hey.” Yoongi’s voice felt far away as your breathing became quick, thoughts racing and your hands shaking. 

Unworthy

Unworthy

Unworthy

How dare you ever think about replacing Taehyung. 

“Yoongi said you had a panic attack.”

You felt like a child being scolded, wrapped in three different blankets and four pillows surrounding you while you sat on the couch in front of Jimin who frowned in disappointment. Of course he was disappointed. 

“It wasn’t that bad…” You mumbled, glancing down as you tugged the blanket around you further making Jimin sigh, sitting down next to you as he pulled you close.

“Why do you always lie?” He asked quietly as you curled against him, letting your head rest against his shoulder, the kdrama you both had been watching long forgotten. When you woke up you were home, comfortable and warm. And for a half a second, you thought maybe it was Taehyung who you were laying against. Much to your heartache it was Jimin when you opened your eyes.

You had been expecting this conversation for the past hour, and lo and behold, here you were, “It’s easier.” You mumbled, eyes beginning to blur as you scoffed a bitter smile, “I’m so pathetic, I can’t even face my own feelings. It’s just easier to keep it to myself.” 

Jimin’s grip tightened around you and even though you couldn't see him you knew he was frowning, “But that isn’t healthy Y/n, you know it just as well as I do. I worry about you, everyone does. You aren’t a burden to anyone. It hurts watching you go through this alone when we all want is to help.” 

And here it was the tears dripping down your cheeks as you shook your head, a weak sob escaping your lips as you mumbled, “If I talk about it, that means I have to accept he’s gone.” You choked out, “And I can’t do that Jimin. I can’t.” You sobbed as you glanced up at him, tears streaming down your face as you pleaded, “I can’t.” Almost a whole year and you were still in denial just as much as you were when you first got the phone call. 

You were still just as devastated as you sobbed into his shoulder, his arms wrapped tight around you as he stroked your hair. It seemed like everyone had moved on by now. Taehyung was just a name in the past. A ghost you couldn’t let go of. Jimin was the bridge between you both, he was the reason you had met Taehyung at all, this man was like a brother to him. But even the pain for him had lessened with time. 

“I miss him too Y/n. I do. But you’re going to have to let him go,” You rapidly shook your head, your breath becoming uneven as sobs escaped you, tears staining his shirt as he murmured gently, “Taehyung wouldn’t want you to be like this.” Tears couldn’t stop pouring from your eyes, you knew he was right. But you couldn’t let him go, not yet. Just a little longer. Just a little longer. 

Taehyung was a ghost and you were desperately clinging to every remnant you had left of him. This man was the love of your life, your soulmate, you needed him. You needed him. How were you supposed to move on with your life when you had to live with the knowledge of what could’ve been. Your body violently trembled as you drown yourself in tears next to Jimin who was always so strong. 

The only time you ever saw him lose it was when you bursted into the hallway in the hospital, his eyes were bloodshot and all it took was one exchanged look before a dam was released in his eyes. Maybe he had numbed himself to the pain, it was difficult to tell. Jimin let his nose bury into your hair as he inhaled softly, tenderly stroking your hair in the same way Taehyung always would in these moments. 

‘Baby, hey…Shhh…Come on don’t cry. What’s going on?” You shook your head rapidly as you tugged away from Taehyung’s grip, his hands keeping you in place and his face twisted into worry before he cupped your cheeks, “Sweetheart.” He pressed his forehead against yours. 

“i-I-It’s stupid…” You whimpered as you closed your eyes, shaking your head as he pressed a kiss against your nose encouragingly, sucking in a harsh breath you sobbed out, “I-I overheard your conversation with Hyuna.” 

Taehyung immediately frowned as he sighed softly, his thumbs soothingly rubbing your cheeks as he mumbled, “Baby don’t listen to her. She’s just a jealous old ex.” 

“She’s right.” You laughed bitterly as you refused to look at him, “I don’t deserve to be with somebody like you-”

“Hey.” Taehyung’s voice was stern, his hands making you look at him as he pressed his forehead back against yours as he mumbled, “Don’t you ever say that about yourself, okay? I love you Y/n, you’re my girl okay? I would never take anyone else over you.” You closed your eyes as your lips trembled, his lips soothingly pressing against yours as his thumbs stroked your cheekbones. 

It was a gentle kiss, your favorite as you complied, chasing his lips as he tried to pull back, making him chuckle against your mouth as he pressed multiple little kisses on your lips before breaking away making you whine with a sniffle, “Come on baby, let’s go get you some noodles, I’m sure it’ll make you feel better.” He gave you a warm smile as he brushed your tears away. 

Smiling you giggled a little as you wrapped your arms around his waist, hugging him tight as you mumbled, “What would I ever do without you?”

“Crash and burn probably.” Taehyung joked with that adorable boxy smile of his as you smacked his arm, leaning on your tiptoes as you puckered your lips. Tutting he leaned down pressing one more chaste kiss on your lips.

Crash and burn, you wanted to laugh, he wasn’t wrong. He never was. 

Jimin had eventually gotten you to calm down, a cup of hot chocolate in your hands and your legs over his lap, still curled close, but enough away to keep your grip on your warm drink, “How has work been, hm?” Jimin asked, brushing a few strands of hair out of your face as you sighed. 

Shrugging a little you sipped the sweet liquid as you mumbled, “Same as always. Met one of Hoseok’s friends recently, he seems...interesting.” You rubbed your forehead, trying not to think about what happened earlier that day. 

“Oh? Well it’s good you’re making new friends. Maybe he’ll be good for you.” Jimin smiled, patting your head as you tried to swat it, “Friends always come into your life when you need them the most.” 

You didn’t comment on that, choosing to drink your hot chocolate as you glanced at the TV. Maybe he was right, maybe he was wrong. You didn’t know, but you needed to be careful around Namjoon. If anything you knew that as sure as day.

You kept mainly in your thoughts the rest of the evening but Jimin kept you company the whole time, stroking your hair calmly while watching kdramas together. For the first time, you fell asleep easier tonight then you had in the last eight months.

——

You sharply inhaled as you clenched your fists, you were going to do this…! You could do this. You glanced up at the art museum in determination before stepping up the stone stairs towards the entrance doors. It was crowded today and usually you liked shying away from large crowds. But he never cared, always tugging you along with encouragement and laughter, somehow, he always made it so much fun.

Today a Degas exhibit was in town, the one Taehyung had been so excited about seeing, you still vividly remembered his bouncing figure as he shoved the flyer in your face. Your hands trembled as you opened the door. You wanted to see it today, for him. Clutching the Polaroid camera in hand tightly as your fingers traced against its smooth surface. He loved using this damn thing every chance he got.

He’d take at least a dozen photos of all the art pieces, even going as far as to shove the camera in your hands to pose in that dumb artsy way he always did. You felt the distinct smile tug on your lips imaging that brown burette on his head and those dark raven locks. Boxy smile reflecting back at you as he grabbed your hand tugging you along while spouting off random knowledge about whatever you were looking at. 

You paused for a second, looking beside you as you felt a well in your throat at the sight of the crowd instead of your someone beside you. Closing your eyes you swallowed thickly as you forced yourself to breathe, trying to compose yourself.

With determination you walked up to the counter, purchasing a ticket to the exhibit before making your way down the massive lobby, artwork displayed on either sides of the walls and your shoes echoing against the smooth glossy floor. The exhibit was packed as expected but you stopped at each painting, letting your eyes draw over the dreamy muted yet colorful painting. 

The Dancer On Pointe was the one Taehyung was looking forward to the most. Ignoring the ‘No Pictures’ sign you lifted up the polaroid camera, clicking it as the photo began to develop. Giving the photo a wave you smiled as you glanced at it. This was perfect. 

Putting the camera and photo into your bag you made your way through the exhibit.

You looked at every painting intensively, hoping maybe the lense of your old lover would bless your vision and you’d be able to see it in the way he once showed you every single time. But to no avail, paintings were just paint, colors were just pigment. The magic was no longer there. Sighing you turned away from the paintings displayed beautifully, intending to leave before you smacked into someone, “Ah!” 

“Oh I’m sorry!” The voice which had become all too familiar grabbed ahold of you to steady you as you glanced up to meet the eyes of Kim Namjoon, round specs  between you and his gaze as he pushed them up against his nose, lips parting before twisting into a brilliant smile, “Y/n! Sorry I didn’t see you there!” 

“O-oh...Hey.” You stepped away from him awkwardly, your gaze lowering as you tugged on a strand of hair, your heart beating faster but you could hardly tell if it was from anxiety or something else. You had been…you didn’t want to say you had been avoiding Namjoon but, he made you feel weird. In a way you weren’t sure you liked and you couldn’t even fully describe it. 

“I didn’t know you liked going to the art museum! It’s nice seeing you here, I’ve missed you at work-” Namjoon suddenly coughed, immediately glancing away as he fumbled, “Not-uh- not miss, miss you but...you know…” He looked awkward and his eyes widened as he refused to look at you as if you’d turn him to stone if he did. 

You snorted, unable to keep the smile off your face as you replied lowly, “No I get it, just bad timing,” Or you purposely scrambled into the back leaving Jungkook on his own everytime you caught sight of Namjoon opening the cafe door, “But uh, I’m...not actually a fan of going here.” You shrugged as you glanced down at your feet. 

“Oh?” He tilted his head in curiosity, “Then...can I ask why you’re here? Or did you just wanna bump into me?” There was something...light -playful- in Namjoon’s voice as he flashed those dimples at you. 

You kept your expression reserved this time making his smile dim a little as you glanced back at the painting, “I just came...for someone who couldn’t…” Your expression casted more gloomy this time as you wrapped your arms around yourself, looking back at Namjoon who seemed somewhat confused at your cryptic words, “I’ve never been a big art person.” You offered a weak smile. 

“Well,” Namjoon hummed, giving you a small smile in return, “I hope that someone was able to enjoy your visit for them.” Your heart clenched as you glanced at his shoes, timberlands that blurred in your vision as you gave a bittersweet smile. 

“Yeah…” You nodded as you glanced up at Namjoon, a frown immediately on his face at your glassy eyes and sad smile as you nodded, “He did.” You hadn’t even said his name and yet sadness had swept through your whole body like an ache you’d never cure. The longing you had for your soulmate who was gone, who you’d never wake up beside, who would never hold your hand again, who’s smile you’d never see as he pointed out all of his favorite paintings. 

But Taehyung would be proud of you, wouldn’t he? Perhaps, if there was an afterlife, he would be an angel that was smiling while looking down upon you. 

“Y/n…” You felt your lurch in your throat, as if it felt physically difficult to speak as Namjoon called your name softly, tufts of warm brown hair falling against his eyebrows as he asked with sincerity, “Do you wanna get lunch together? I know a great artisan cafe nearby.” 

It was silent between you both for what felt like an eternity in nothing but a short second as you glanced back at the painting, and for a brief moment your eyes caught onto a sight of raven shaggy hair and an oversized brown cardigan. It looked all too familiar and your heart fluttered for just a brief moment until he turned around, not the face of your lover, but a stranger who embraced his girlfriend with a laugh. 

Sighing, you turned to face Namjoon as you offered a weak smile, “No thank you, I actually have somewhere I’m supposed to be.” You couldn’t bear to look at him any longer, rather you chose to step aside and brush past him, feeling a melancholy gaze against your back but you refused to turn around. 

Not when your heart ached and you felt so tired. 

Stopping by the quaint little flowershop you had picked out a small bouquet of tiger lilies, his favorite, he used to love decorating the apartment to the brim with them, walking out of the shop you took a shaky breath of the cool air. 

The evening sky was brilliant, Taehyung often remarked it was like God personally painted the sky every evening, always different from the previous day but just as beautiful in it’s own right. Your feet felt heavy on the pavement as you sighed, stopping at the arched gateway, glancing to your right where the sunset was shielded by the silhouettes of willow tree’s that gently swayed in a slow dance with the wind. 

Stepping through you weave your way around the grassy corridors of walkways before you were near the middle of the cemetery, pausing in front of the gravestone where wilted flowers laid and dirt from the lawn mower had sputtered up against. 

Kneeling down you gently wiped off the stone as your fingers gently traced the name of your lover, “I went to the art museum today,” Your eyes were already blurry as you smiled endearingly at Taehyung’s name printed on the stone, setting down the blossom of tiger lilies as you crossed your legs, “To go see that Degas exhibit we had made plans to see last Autumn. Ha…” You let out a short laugh as tears trickled down your face, “Do you remember when we got the catalogue in the mail? You knocked over your mug of coffee and it stained over half the pages,” You tried to keep your voice steady as a sob escaped you, rubbing your eyes as you gave a broken laugh, “You freaked out about it  because it was hard to make out the dates but I told you to calm down and looked up the dates on the website.” 

You wiped your face with your arms as you opened your bag up, grabbing the polaroid as more tears immediately dripped down your cheeks, “Here! Don’t you like it?” You asked as you set down the photo with the flowers, smiling despite the tears that welled in your eyes, “I know it’s your favorite, you wouldn’t stop gushing about it when you first saw the exhibit advertisement.” 

It was quiet for a moment as you lowered your gaze, a whimper escaping you at the expected silence, tears dripping down your chin and splattering onto your hand as you sobbed, “Please come back.” 

Your breath was trembling and desperate as you grabbed the gravestone, pressing your forehead against it as you tried to vividly imagine it was your lovers warm skin as your tears dampened the stone, “Please come back to me Taehyung. Don’t leave me alone. Please.” 

Alone, you cried in the cemetery where your lover would permanently stay asleep.

“Just think about it Noona!” Jungkook whined as he grabbed your arm making you sigh as you turned to face him, “It’s a camping trip! We’ll be in nature, maybe you’ll feel better! I get worried about you sometimes.” 

That wasn’t fair! 

You crossed your arms as you sighed again, looking away from him as you felt guilty, not wanting to worry anyone but, you just needed time to yourself. You didn’t know when it would go away, if ever, but you just wanted to be by yourself. Alone were you could mourn in peace, where your heart could ache and tears could fill your eyes with zero shame. 

Everyday that you spent ever since had become more and more painful. The ache became that much harder to deal, “Jungkook...you know I don’t like camping…” You mumbled as you turned away from him, rearranging some of the tea canisters to look busy. 

“But you love gardening!” Jungkook whined again, fluttering beside you with those sweet doe eyes of his that always seemed to get you. 

“There’ll be a log cabin,” Yoongi added as he appeared from the kitchen, setting down a fresh platter of bakery goods, “So it really isn’t camping, unless you’re gonna be Jungkook and set up a tent anyways.”

Jungkook flailed his hands as he glared at his elder, “What’s the point in calling it a camping trip if we aren’t going to camp?” Always the stubborn and hardheaded person he was, Jungkook insisted on his words as he crossed his arms with that pouty expression of his. 

“Nobody called it a camping trip except you.” Yoongi turned to face him deadpan, Jungkook’s lips parted several times before defeatingly closing them as Yoongi snorted, “Yeah, exactly. Anyways, you should go. Shop is going to be closed anyways since Bang is going out of town to visit his parents. Unless you really wanna sulk in your apartment all week…” He shrugged as you sharply inhaled. 

“I’ll think about it…” Jungkook immediately jumped, wrapping his arms around you as he smushed you against him making you squirm, “Thank you Noona! You’ll camp with me right?” He bounced in excitement as you pushed him away from you. Jungkook always had a lack of boundaries especially when he got excited. 

“No.” You replied promptly as you turned around making him cross his arms with a humph, “Be happy I’m at least considering, you ungrateful brat.” To which Jungkook smiled cheekily. Sighing you leaned against the counter top with a hum. Maybe this would be good for you. You knew if Taehyung was here he’d be thrilled to go, immediately begging you to go with him and even saying he refused to go without you. You could never deprive him of something he loved and enjoyed. 

Maybe...just maybe…

The doors just as always at twelve thirty rang as you all glanced up to see the embodiment of the sun wave and his moon beside him who was always more reserved, “Hey! You guys are going on the trip up to the cabin right?” Hoseok bounced up to the register as he set his hands up on it and leaned forward. 

“Yes and we’re camping!” Jungkook wrapped an arm around your neck, squeezing it causing you to gag as you jammed your elbow into his stomach causing him to grunt before whining. 

“No we are not!” You whipped around as you glared at him, your lips tugging into a pout of your own as you glared at the younger boy who stubbornly crossed his arms once more. 

“Oh you’re going Y/n?” Hoseok clapped his hands in excitement as you glanced at the two men, instinctively lowering your gaze a little when you felt Namjoon’s eyes on you. They seemed sadder than normal. 

Which wasn’t normal at all. Namjoon was- he always smiled, so why didn’t he today when your eyes met his? 

“I might,” You admitted reluctantly, “I need to think it over.” Was he still thinking about your rejection at the art museum? Or your cryptic and weird words? Did he assume you were just a sad freak. A part of you desperately wondered why you didn’t see those sweet dimples today. 

“Well don’t take too long,” Hoseok winked playfully as he grinned brightly, “We’re leaving Friday and we sure could use the company. Right Namjoon?” He elbowed the quiet man a little causing him to jolt before harshly glaring at Hoseok who seemed like a little boy who had a secret he was dying to tell. 

Namjoon glanced back at you as he mustered a weak smile, but you could see in his eyes they weren’t glowing like they were before, “Of course we’d like you to come. But don’t feel pressured.” You nodded as you glanced back at the counter top. Unable to bear his gaze anymore. Trying not to overthink why he seemed so melancholy today. 

Or perhaps he was always like this and your head had just played tricks on you? No...No you could remember Namjoon’s smile as clear as day, it was bright and lovely, his eyes glowed not like the sun- not burning and harsh- but like the moon, soft and almost nostalgic as if he lived every moment of his life with gratitude and peace. 

So what happened? The only thing you could recall was what had previously happened. But surely he wasn’t upset about that? After all, he shouldn’t want to deal with a heartbroken girl who only knew how to cry. 

Unless....No…”Well I better go get more chocolate bombs for the holder.” You mumbled as you turned around, pushing the door to the back open as you shoved your thoughts to the back of your head. You wouldn’t let your mind go there.

----

You couldn’t help but feel like this was a mistake, no matter how crisp and fresh the air was, the lake view was gorgeous and reflection off the water made it look like diamonds trickled against its surface. The car ride was over four hours and you were grateful to be on your feet with all the greenery. 

You were definitely tired, not used to being around people so long outside of work after the past year. Feeling semi lethargic you let out a yawn as you rubbed your eyes, “Aren’t you excited Noona?” Jungkook curled his fists, his nose scrunched up like a bunny as he grinned like a child, “I told you it would be pretty here!”

You were tired, definitely, but you mustered a smile, a small one as you replied, “Yeah...it is.” You glanced back out over the lake before fixing your bag over your shoulder. Like Jungkook said, this would be good for you...hopefully...The cabin was fairly big and everyone, even you helped pitched in the rent for it for the next two days. Jimin was excited for you, telling you to try and enjoy yourself and if all else failed he’d come and pick you up. 

You would certainly try your best to not let that happen though, of course Jimin would be willing to drive eight hours for you on a work day. Everyone was still outside, you could hear shouts and laughter, water splashing as you stepped inside the cabin. 

It was warm and cozy, buried in neutrals and warm colors, blankets piled on the couch that sat in front of the fireplace. Walking around you examined each room before smiling a little, choosing the one that had a lake view, Taehyung would certainly love it. Pulling the polaroid camera out of your bag you lifted it up before taking a photo of the window. You’d make sure to bring it to show him when you came back home. 

“I didn’t take you for polaroids.” 

You jumped as your gaze snapped to the person who seemed to become all too familiar with you the past month now. Pulling the photograph out of the dispenser you gave it a little wave as silence sat between you both, “I’m not.” You mumbled as you carefully set the camera back in your bag, your thumbs edging the sharp stiff ends of the photo. 

“Y/n,” You didn’t look up at him despite his voice sounding soft, feet gently padding against the floor and he was surely right behind you now, Namjoon’s voice soft, maybe even a little sad as he murmured, “Why do you always seem so sad when I ask?”

Letting your fingers trace against the photocard you let a small melancholy smile tug on your lips, “Because,” Your eyes blurred a little and your throat felt tight as you mumbled, “These things I do, going to art museums, taking polaroids, I do them because,” You turned to face Namjoon as a tear slid down your cheek, “He loved it. Even if I never did. I do it for him..” 

Namjoon’s expression had hardened a little, he seemed lost, maybe even angry, maybe he was tired of constantly seeing tears in your eyes, he bowed his head a little, eyes seeming somewhat broody as he muttered, “I see…I’ll leave you to it, I guess…” 

You weren’t sure why your heart clenched at the way his face seemed so forlorn, broody as he turned on his heels. Your throat squeezing and his name never reached your lips like you instinctively wanted too. 

You thought that, maybe when he left you’d feel better, more at peace. But that broody expression haunted you as you sat up in the window seal loft, letting your knee’s curl against your chest as a dull ache came from your heart. 

This ache was different, it wasn’t like the one you had anytime you thought of your soulmate. This was...different. New. Like something was wilted but still had a chance. Your chest felt heavy and your mind was telling you to go after Namjoon, to get him to smile and clear up whatever misunderstanding there was. You didn’t understand either, truthfully, what did you say to make him look like that? 

You had opened yourself up and told him a little and he...he acted gloomy, as if life was sucked from his body. You didn’t understand but...but you’d like too...Watching everyone splash and muffled screams from the window you let your head press against the glass as you sighed. Closing your eyes, even in the crowdest places you always felt so lonely. 

-----

 It was a full moon out tonight, glossy and incandescent to anything you had ever seen. Oftentimes when you felt lonely Taehyung used to always tell you, ‘Just look at the moon whenever you feel lonely. Someone at that exact moment is looking at it as well. You’re never truly alone’

It always made you feel better, even now. Someone was probably looking at this same moon as you right now and you couldn’t help but wonder. What were they thinking? Was there a reason they were admiring such a beautiful sight as the sky? Carefully you slipped on your shoes, curling the cardigan around your body as you opened the main door of the cabin before walking outside. 

Grassing brushing softly against your feet and crickets cooed with the rustle of trees and cool air, it was a little humid out but not hot enough to make you want to shed your cozy layer. Walking down the path you glanced up at the sky were the stars speckled across the deep midnight blue horizon. 

You paused on your walk when you noticed a little wooden bridge, it wasn’t the cute sight itself but the person who stood on it, “Namjoon?” You called out softly to the man who was leaning over the railing, observing the moon that sat in the painted sky. He jolted before whipping around as you approached slowly. 

“Y/n…?” He seemed surprised, of course he was, it was only two in the morning after all. You were supposed to be the only one out here right here, trying to clear your head, let go of what your heart didn’t want too. 

Wrapping your arms around yourself you stepped onto the bridge as you murmured softly, “May I join you?” It was hard making out his facial expressions in the moonlight, but you thought maybe you saw hesitation on his face for a brief moment. 

“Of course,” Even in the dark you could spot those pretty dimples, leaning back against the railing he hummed, “You’re always a pleasant company to have.” For some reason, his words took you off guard. They seemed...sincere, yet, distant perhaps? They seemed odd given the last time you had spoken. 

You let your arms rest against the railing beside him, crickets sounding and the water gently lapped, even in the dark though the moonlight reflected against the water making it sparkle with assorted gems. It was quiet between you both yet the pressure in your chest swelled, the sudden need to apologize for earlier today. You weren’t sure why it felt imperative to do so. Or as if it was even necessary. 

“I’m sorry if I said something wrong earlier-” “I’m sorry about what I said earlier-” 

It seemed you were not the only one to have an apology on your mind. Both you and Namjoon had bursted at the same time before pausing, tripping over one anothers words before you stopped altogether. Glancing at him briefly before you both began to laugh softly. 

“I’m sorry- uh you can go first!” You squeaked, glancing away from him as you looked back out over the water, letting your body lean against the old wooden grooves that scraped lightly against your skin. 

Namjoon was silent for a moment before he replied, somewhat quiet, maybe even shy? “Well…” He drawled, “I just...wanted to apologize about earlier. My words were unnecessary and I shouldn’t have asked you such a personal question. You have every right to feel the way you do and it wasn’t my place to ask something like that.” 

It was silent for another moment before you let your eyes flit to Namjoon’s figure, you could make out the silhouette of his face which seemed almost forlorn, in deep thought as he looked out over the moon, “Oh…” You mumbled, as you glanced back at your hands, fingers tracing the dry harsh groove of the wooden railing, “Well...I just wanted to say I’m sorry for…” You paused for a moment, what were you apologising for? “...being me I guess.” 

You didn’t mean for it to sound depressing, but you supposed it was the truth, you felt like you had become nothing but a shell of a person since what had happened. Like you had become closed off, difficult to get to know, moody, temperamental. It was no wonder Namjoon was so fed up with your constant switch in behavior, “I know I’m...me...but...thank you for tolerating it. It’s nice having someone outside of my friends to talk to.” 

“Don’t apologize for that.” Your gaze jumped to Namjoon, a little startled at how stern his voice was, you couldn’t necessarily see him but you could feel his sharp, judgmental gaze on your figure, “I’m sure you have your reasons. And truthfully, like I said. I just… had clouded judgment,” Namjoon murmured cryptically, “I let my emotions get in the way when I talked to you earlier today. I’m more than happy to be your friend Y/n! You aren’t a burden or something I’m just tolerating, I talk to you because I like you.” 

You felt better but....something still felt withered inside you...you mustered a smile as you shrugged, “I guess so...I know I’m not always responsive sometimes...but...if we’re okay then let’s not talk about what happened anymore! What are you doing out here so late?” You didn’t want to dwell on what happened, it made you feel icky and gross inside even after clearing things up with Namjoon, you still didn’t understand why it wouldn’t go away. 

Namjoon laughed a little as he shrugged, “To think, I’ve always been a bit of a moon child honestly. Looking up at the sky always helps me clear my head. I should be asking you what you’re doing out this late.”

You rubbed the back of your neck bashfully as you shrugged, “I couldn’t sleep tonight, I like going out on walks, get out of my room, my head.” You glanced down at the rippling water, a frown on your face as you held in a sigh. Truthfully, you couldn’t sleep because Namjoon’s expression kept playing in your head. The way he seemed so distant and cold earlier, it bothered you to no end yet you didn’t understand why.

So you came out here to look at the moon in the open, feel the warm air on your skin and maybe you’d find whatever you were looking for. It seemed, what you had been looking for was Namjoon, and of course there he was, on this bridge. You didn’t know what this meant or what to take away from it. But you were happy you found him regardless.

“I can understand that,” Namjoon chuckled softly, his expression soft as he glanced up at the night sky, gaze still somewhat muted compared to before but...it still seemed sad, maybe the kind of sad where you just accept a situation for what it was, “Well, at least the moon brought us together.” 

His gaze met yours as you mirrored his smile, a little bashful as you rubbed your cheek, looking out over the rippling water as you mumbled, “I guess it did…” Letting your chin rest against your arms as you stretched out your back. There was something… oddly comforting about Namjoon’s presence? You weren’t sure, but you liked it…

You really liked it.

“Have you ever considered that Plato was just on drugs the whole time he was writing?” You slurped on your noodles as you glanced up to meet Namjoon’s exasperated expression making you smile as you snorted. 

“Dualism?” 

“Drugs. Who the fuck thinks about the mind and body being seperated in like 11 AD?” You snorted again as Namjoon groaned, sinking into his seat. He had been trying to talk about his latest readings to you and you had been...not making fun of it! Just...making the conversation interesting, “No seriously, didn’t they burn women back then for just knowing how to read? It just seems so...primitive for philosophy to be introduced so early in time with all things considering back then….”

Namjoon rubbed his face as he sighed, unable to resist the smile that tugged on his lips as he clacked his tongue, “Alright fair enough, what do you suggest we talk about then if you refuse to talk philosophy.” 

You puckered your lips, holding your chopsticks animately as you replied, “We could talk about how corrupt the patriarchy was throughout time and how men used religion as a way to justify the oppression of women and slavery?” 

You snorted at the way Namjoon, for the first time in your friendship seemed speechless, perhaps impressed, or simply just stunned before he sighed with a shrug, “Alright fine, but first of all some women actually did have some say in different cultures. But it had a lot more to do with classism then gender. Take a look at the Spartans as examples.” 

You held up a finger as you replied, “Except the only reason women received burials was because they gave birth to Spartans? I mean A for effort I guess,” You rolled your eyes, “But that doesn’t change the fact that women were only honored for giving birth to men, still seems like a convoluted way of saying women weren’t worth even burials unless they were of some use to men.” 

Namjoon hummed as he rubbed his chin, “Fair point, really I think because-” 

“Well look who it is!”

Both you and Namjoon jumped at the sound of a chipper loud voice, your lips twisted into a mild frown at the sight of Jungkook and Hoseok’s shit eating grins, without invitation immediately plopping down in the booth, Jungkook sitting beside you and Hoseok mirroring him, “So what are you two doing on this fine day?” 

There was something in Jungkook’s tone that made you shift awkwardly, why did he sound like you both were up to something when you weren’t, rubbing the back of your neck you mumbled, somewhat reluctantly, “Well we were just having lunch…?” 

“Oh, you mean like-” Hoseok suddenly grunted in pain, Namjoon harshly elbowing him as he cut his eyes at his best friend. You glanced between the both of them, it seemed like they were having a conversation by only facial expressions before Namjoon spoke up, “We were just talking about the oppression of women through history. Thoughts?” 

Both Hoseok and Jungkook wrinkled their noses, never ones to get involved in these kinds of discussions no matter how true they may be. Rather than talk about that, it seemed they had come over to, what? Stir the pot?

“Nah,” Jungkook attempted to wrap an arm around your neck as you shoved him away, a grin on his face as he hummed, “I just haven’t seen Noona getting out as of late, it’s good to see you both together.” Now you were feeling weird. Rubbing the back of your neck you looked away from all of them, well aware of your expression becoming flatter by the moment. 

Namjoon was beginning to look apprehensive as well as he coughed, “Uh, well, we were just eating…?” He seemed somewhat sheepish and even if it was unsaid you could tell he was trying to make it clear this wasn’t a date...Right? You had paused mentally for a moment, but...this did kind of seem like a date…

No, friends could hang out! You nodded to yourself silently, Namjoon was a friend and you needed friends, and in order to make friends you had to hang out! And even so, it wasn’t like Namjoon was interested in you and...you...you....a lump in your throat formed as you pucker your lips on your cup. No you weren’t gonna go there. 

“Right…!” Hoseok gave a bright yet odd smile as him and Jungkook shared a laugh, as if they knew something you didn’t, “Well, we’ll just ah...let you two get back to it.” He winked as Jungkook wiggled a brow at you before they both got up. 

You felt confusion wash over you as you watched them both walk away, frowning a little as you sank back in your seat, “That was weird.” Were the first words that tumbled out of your lips. On one hand you wanted to ask why they were acting like that but...wasn’t it obvious…? 

Namjoon offered a weak smile as he rubbed the back of his neck, “Yeah…” His reply was hardly a murmur though as he looked down at his pork bulgogi looking not nearly as hungry as he proclaimed he was twenty minutes ago. 

The rest of your lunch had become...stale...no matter how hard you or Namjoon tried the air of what had happened with Hoseok and Jungkook lingered and continued to pester the back of your head. What were they trying to insinuate? That it was a date? Because it wasn’t…! You weren’t…! You could feel frustration tug inside your subconscious but you didn’t understand why. 

Namjoon and you were currently walking on the sidewalk, namely back to your apartment which just so happened to be on the same path as one of Namjoon’s acqtuance’s house where he had promised he would help them study. The weather was nice today, the wind was blowing a cool breeze and the sun was warm on your skin. On harder days you often tried to sunbathe, to soak in it’s rays and feel it’s warmth. You had read somewhere that if you soaked up enough warmth that it would manifest into positivity.

Or maybe that was just something you made up to make yourself feel better? On dimmer days you like grounding yourself in your five senses, even if they seemed dull and void. Today was not a bad day though. Not for the weather and neither for you. In fact, it was perfect. The air was fresh and you could smell the lavender bushes on the sidewalk that had been planted waft with each blow of breeze. 

“I’m really sorry for what happened.” You opened your eyes as you paused, looking at Namjoon who walked beside you, his cheeks looked a little red and he wouldn’t meet your gaze as you tilted your head, unsure of what there was to be sorry for. His gaze flicked to yours, seeing your confusion before immediately following up, “About Hoseok and Jungkook...ah…” He gave a somewhat weak smile as he looked away, hesitation in his eyes, “It feels like they made things weird…”

“No..!” You immediately shook your head, not wanting to make him feel worse by admitting they really did make you feel odd, but you were positive that was your own self projection, after all you had that tendency with Namjoon since you first met… “It’s fine, you don’t need to apologize.” You offered a soft smile as you began to walk again, Namjoon following along said to you as you continued, “It was weird yeah, but, I mean we’re still friends so…” Pausing in front of the entrance of your apartment complex you shrugged as you smiled, “Don’t worry about it! They’re just being dumb. Anyways, i’ll see you later.” 

You offered one last smile before heading into your apartment, Namjoon deflating somewhat as he sighed, watching you walk away once again as he rubbed the back of his neck, kicking a small pebble that had surfaced from the pebble surface of the resident sign, “Yeah...friends…” 

Namjoon decided to not linger on your words, the more he thought about it the more it stung and he didn’t want to act like a kicked puppy, you didn’t owe him anything other then your friendship he just...He sighed as he began walking to his friends home, surely he’d give good advice. After all, Seokjin was highly popular with women. 

After arriving at his apartment Namjoon hadn’t intended on letting out as much as he did, but it was admittedly nice to unload all of his feelings without feeling obligated to hold back, if he told his best friend he knew Hoseok would only make things worse despite having good intentions. 

“So,” Seokjin plopped the sucker into his mouth, leaning back on the bed as his eyes glazed over the textbook, “You what…? Wanna bang her? What’s the deal?” 

“No!” Namjoon immediately objected before groaning as he sank back in his seat, unsure of how to explain, “I don’t just want to sleep with her…” He muttered, “I just...want to get to know her. But it feels like there's this…” He waved his hand around, “Invisible wall, like she doesn’t want me to get to know her. I don’t think I’ve ever done anything to make her like this though…” He paused a moment, evaluating all of his past actions. Namjoon was positive he was a nice guy, you owed him nothing but, he had hoped maybe at least his behavior would explain why you were like this yet...He genuinely couldn’t think of anything. 

Well except maybe back last month at the cabin when he had gotten cold, the memory made him wince but...you had been even worse before then...So what was it…? Namjoon felt helpless as he glanced at his elder who shrugged loosely, pulling the sucker from his mouth as he replied, “Maybe it’s just her Namjoon. Regardless she doesn’t sound interested so you shouldn’t get your hopes up.” 

Namjoon paused, could it just be you…? He never actually thought about it before, always assuming he was the problem. Not that you were the problem but, “I just wish things weren’t so easy to become awkward between us.” He sighed as he flipped the page of his book. 

Seokjin eyed him curiously as he hummed, “Well what do you mean? Awkward how?” Seokjin didn’t consider himself a playboy like many would dub him but he had definitely gotten around enough to at least get an idea of how women worked emotionally, when to pursue and when to back off. 

Namjoon shrugged as he replied, “It’s just...weird...I can tell she starts overthinking and questioning. Like it’s difficult for her to even go out for just lunch with me. Awkward like, just the idea of being on a date with me makes her wanna bail...that kind of awkward…” He slumped in his seat, “Am I really that unlikeable?” 

Seokjin snorted, curving a brow at his friend who looked rather pathetic at the moment, “I think,” Tapping his lip Seokjin hummed, “She has some stuff she’s sorting out, and it’s not you. It’s just her, I’m sure if you asked her that, she’d say the same. If you haven’t been an ass to her in any way shape or form, it sounds like she’s just working through some stuff. Sucks but hey, you won’t know if you don’t ask…” 

Namjoon groaned, he knew Seokjin was right, if he’d just got the balls and asked you he was positive you’d give him an answer...well- doubt filled his mind, “I think her last boyfriend left her, or...maybe he hurt her? I don’t know.”

This perked Seokjin’s attention, straightening a little as he curved a brow, “Oh?” 

Rubbing his neck he shrugged as he weakly replied, “Yeah, she mentions some guy sometimes, whenever I ask about the things she does which she doesn’t enjoy. Like that polaroid she carries around, or she sometimes goes out to museums. I don’t know.” Jealousy oozed despite Namjoon knowing he had no right to feel jealous. 

Just the idea of someone hurting you deeply upset and angered him though, especially if it was to the point of you closing your heart to anyone else, Seokjin pressed his lips together, “Huh...that is kind of weird. Well…” Seokjin rose a brow as he emphasised his words while glaring Namjoon down, “Guess you’ll never know if you don’t ask.” Namjoon could only muster a groan. Asking you had to be the worst idea ever. 

----

“Come on! Noona it’ll be a fun way for you to get out!” You sighed in exasperation, looking away from Jungkook’s big puppy eyes that were just begging you to go with him, it was already hard enough to get yourself out of bed by noon today just to meet up with him for lunch let alone going to a party tonight. 

“Jungkook,” You pressed your lips together, trying to look at him only for him to whine as he shifted in his seat, the food court in the mall was packed today with life and energy, you had promised Jungkook you’d help him shop for more dressy clothes today as he was...attempting to pursue someone. Whoever that may be as he was too shy to say, “You know I’m not into parties…” 

“Just this once!” Jungkook begged as he laced his fingers together, sitting up in his seat with his lips jutted into a pitiful pout, “I’ll stay with you the whole time Noona! I think it’ll be fun! And if it isn’t we can go home the moment you say and- and I’ll buy you some kimbap and we can watch a movie of your choice!” 

He drove a hard bargain, you sighed as you sunk into your seat, crossing your arms in thought, you supposed...there couldn’t be any harm in going…? You pressed your lips together as you closed your eyes briefly, just thinking about this made you exhausted but you knew Jimin would be ecstatic if you had went out tonight, he had been encouraging you to get out more and….”Okay let’s say, I went to this party...who would be there?” 

Jungkook’s lips parted in excitement as you cut him off, “That I know.” 

His lips immediately snapped shut once more, as his eyes dropped to the table somewhat sheepishly, “Look, Noona...Think of it like this, it’s a great opportunity to meet new people! Hoseok and Namjoon will be there! You know them! And they know people you could meet too! I’ll be there for what it’s worse…” He gave a bright bunny smile as you looked away from him, “Hey! Don’t give me that look!” He cried out with another pout on his face. 

Taehyung and you both never enjoyed parties, he was a social butterfly sure but he always said he hated the taste of alcohol and besides, what was the point in going out when he could just stay in with you. It felt like a bitter prick against your heart at the bitter reminder. Right, you were gonna stay in tonight, maybe cry in the shower, wear that set of pajamas that used to match with his while watching a stupid romcom he loved. 

“Woah, woah, woah! Hey Y/n.” 

You closed your eyes as you put your hands on your face trying to cover the tears that rolled down your cheeks, “Sorry.” You sniffed as you felt both shame and embarrassment coil inside your body, all this time and you can hardly even think about him without crying still. It’s no wonder Jungkook probably doesn’t want to hang out with you. 

“Noona!” Jungkook cried out, “You have nothing to apologize for, look,” He fumbled somewhat frantically as he gathered up the trash of your left over food, “You don’t have to go, it was just a suggestion! I don’t want you to be sad though so let’s go over to the Gap and I want your opinion on these two shirts okay?” 

You sniffled as you rubbed your watery eyes, a snort escaping you as you replied, “The Gap has ugly clothing Jungkook.” To which he gasped in offense as you stood up with him. 

“First of all don’t judge until you see, second of all you have horrible taste Noona, no offense.” You rolled your eyes despite the tiny smile tugging on your lips as you wrapped your arms around yourself. Maybe, Jungkook was right, and after all…he said he’d take you home if you weren’t having fun...

This was an awful idea. There was no backing out of this idea once you expressed your interest to Jungkook and he dragged you from store to store because this outing was no longer about him as it was finding something new for you to wear, he had even insisted on paying for it himself. 

Jungkook was no longer in sight nor on your mind as he had been talking to Hoseok last you had seen him, who was cheerifully talking to him despite the shy look on his face. Of course he had gotten your permission, not wanting to leave you by yourself, just as he promised he wouldn’t. For as much of annoying brat as he was, he was also truly a sweetheart.

“Are you okay?” Your concern however, wasn’t on Jungkook right now given you were no longer downstairs as you paused and turned towards Namjoon who looked like he was having a mid life crisis despite being twenty four and at a frat party- but you supposed being younger than twenty one at something like this could cause that.

Namjoon’s eyes darted at the closed door and his mouth felt dry, opting to nod instead as you sat down on the bed. Truthfully you had made the pack to just stick to Jungkook tonight and let him do the talking but  it was by chance you bumped into Namjoon here who had also been dragged to this party by his friend- Seokjin who was apparently a frat brother at this fraternity.

It was loud and the whole place reeked of weed, whoever wasn’t locked in a haze was definitely drunk and it had been over all unpleasant. 

The one saving grace you had found was Namjoon, it was too loud downstairs and with Jungkook off with Hoseok you kept getting interrupted by other people asking for him. Finally asking if Namjoon would like to go upstairs where it would be more quiet. 

And here you were, “It’s nice up here.” You glanced around the semi clean room, “At least it smells like Axe.” Which wasn’t much better than marijuana but you’d take it.

Namjoon snorted as he plopped down on the bed, a humored smile on his lips as he replied, “Yeah it just smells like a middle school boys locker room.” He laid back against the bed as he stretched out, closing his eyes as he soaked in the atmosphere, today felt...different...he wasn’t sure how but, he liked it. 

You seemed happy today, or at least you looked happy. And you were smiling more at work. Namjoon really liked your smile, “Hey,” He hummed as he opened his eyes and glanced at your upright figure, “Why did you come tonight? I thought you didn’t like parties?” 

You gave a somewhat sheepish laugh as you shrugged, running a hand through your hair as you replied, “Ah well…” You seemed a little flustered as you glanced away from him- not wanting to admit that Jungkook had nearly cried from begging you to come because he really wanted you to at least try it just once, all in the name of getting yourself back out there, but the one leading motivate that he continuously brought up, was Namjoon, “Jungkook wanted someone to come with him. He gets worried about me occasionally.” You rolled your eyes briefly despite the small smile on your face, “Says he doesn’t want me to become a hermit.”

Namjoon’s expression softened a little, that was something else he never quite understood, were your friends just that caring…? It seemed a bit unnormal the way they always eyed you with concern despite you brushing them off, “It just shows he cares.” Namjoon offered a smile as you sighed, flopping down onto your back next to him as you glanced up at the ceiling. 

“I know,” You admitted as your smile slowly formed into a frown, your gaze hardened at the dirty ceiling as your brows pinched together, “I just…” You inhaled sharply, sounding somewhat frustrated as you sighed, “I just wish they’d treat me normal sometimes...you know? It’s nice knowing everyone supports me but…” You felt a bitter smile curl on your lips, “I can always see the pity, like I’m just a kicked puppy that needs a little love…They all mean well but…” 

“I can understand why you’d feel frustrated,” Namjoon spoke up, rolling over to face you, sincerity in his eyes as he spoke, “I wouldn’t want to be treated like that either. It’s hard being in a room full of people who all look at you like you’re broken when you aren’t.”

His words hit deeper then you wanted to admit, your throat suddenly feeling restricted as you glowered at the ceiling trying to blink back tears. Perhaps it was the realization that people do look at you like you're broken. Maybe you were, afterall, you weren’t the same anymore. You could barely hold a smile on your face anymore. 

You suffered long nights full of dreams of torment and tears in your waking hour to numbness and wondering why life was even worth living. You had debated on the fall from your window and you had even wondered about the knives in the kitchen drawers. You felt your lips twitch into a bitter smile as you laughed, feeling tears drip down as you replied, “I’d think the same if I were them. I don’t even blame them.” 

Namjoon sat up as he frowned, looking resentful at your words as you wiped your face, “Hey.” You sniffed a little as you sat up, wiping your tears on your sleeve, “You aren’t broken, people shouldn’t be so quick to judge.” 

“You’re just saying that because you're nice.” You scoffed as you glanced down at the bed, your eyes glaring despite the blur, you fought with yourself at night on why Namjoon was even friends with you, surely he just thought you needed help. Needed friends. Why did it hurt to think of it like that? It’s what you wanted, right? 

You squeaked in surprise at Namjoon’s large hands suddenly cupping your face, forcing you to look him in the eyes as you were taken back on how intense his stare was, anger evident on his face as his jaw clenched, “Don’t assume that. You aren’t broken and I don’t look at you like you need to be fixed okay?” His expression softened a little as he watched your eyes begin to blur again, your shoulders shaking as sniffled, trying your damnedest to not cry as you gritted your teeth. 

Defeatedly you closed your eyes as you let your tears fall, why couldn’t you stop crying? Why was everything so confusing and why did it all have to hurt? Namjoon let his thumb rub across your cheekbone, wiping away the tears that dripped down as you closed your eyes, “I don’t care what’s happened okay? I just want to help you be happy again.”

“I don’t deserve it,” You spat out as you choked on your tears, unable to even look at him, you felt so useless, worthless, all of the life left your body with Taehyung when he- your breath escaped you, catching yourself as you nearly choked on the influx of tears. It didn’t matter anymore, nothing mattered anymore. He was gone and he wasn’t coming back. 

Namjoon could feel his heart crumble with every tear that dropped down your face, his thumbs soothingly wiping every drop away, “Yes you do. Please, don’t say that about yourself.” Namjoon felt like a faucet and he couldn’t stop the overflow of emotions, unable to keep it to himself any longer when you were so obviously in pain. When you hated yourself for reasons unknown to him, “You will always be worth it to me, okay?” He pressed his forehead against yours, his smile pained as you squeezed your eyes tightly shut, “There will never be a day I don’t think that?” He said breathlessly, his eyes dulled and pained at your sobs, “Don’t cry love.” He spoke softly, closing his eyes, letting the warmth of your skin seep against his as he rubbed his thumbs over your cheeks. 

“I don’t know how. I-I’m sorry....” You mumbled as you sharply sniffled, trying to calm yourself down as your heart ached. You thought for sure you had gotten better, but it became apparent you were just trying to block Taehyung out, and you couldn’t do that. He didn’t deserve it. Taehyung absolutely did not deserve to be blocked out of your memory or forgotten. 

“Shhh.” Namjoon hummed soothingly, his nose rubbing against yours, his fingers tracing down your jawline, “You don’t have anything to apologize for.” Your lips trembled at the feeling of his warm breath against your skin, you could feel the hesitation from him, just a ghost of brush from his lips as you sniffled before he fully pressed his lips against yours. 

The kiss was wet, not in a very pleasant way, tears beginning to stream down your cheeks as his lips began to tenderly stroke against yours, his hands so warm against your face as you sobbed against his mouth, parting your lips at the feeling of his soft lips that felt so right against yours. It was like intimacy and warmth you craved. 

The kiss which was gentle quickly turned more heated, your body immediately crawling closer to his as your lips parted for him, his tongue immediately pushing past to enter your mouth as dominance was immediately one, a soft moan escaped you as long fingers trailed down your face to your neck. Your body was lighting up at the memory of those long fingers wrapped around your throat, the heat of his body against yours. 

All the sleepless nights you spent together moaning in passion. Taehyung’s hands trailed down your waist, squeezing tight making you whimper as you crawled into his lap, seeking the comfort only he could bring as you let his tongue lap and force yours into submission in a sloppy wet kiss. 

The knock on the door immediately made you jolt, opening your eyes only to let out a yelp. This was not Taehyung- but Namjoon. You frantically fell out of his lap, all too aware of your shocked expression and tear stained face as you wiped your mouth...You just...kissed Namjoon...The twist of betrayal in your heart wouldn’t stop stabbing as the door opened. 

Namjoon’s lips had parted, looking somewhat frantic to apologize and explain himself when he saw how devastated your expression was, “Oh- uh sorry.” Seokjin looked somewhat sheepish to see the both of you, a girl peeping behind his shoulder looking somewhat embarrassed herself, “Were we um…?” 

“No!” You sharply replied, getting off the bed as you felt your hands violently tremble. You just...you just kissed...you imagined...you thought…“You didn’t.” You rushed past the both of them as you the music pounded into your head and it was like the lights became blurred but not from tears anymore. All of your senses were on overload as your mind sneered at you, you just kissed someone who wasn’t Taehyung, as if he didn’t exist, it didn’t matter whether or not you thought it was him. It wasn’t. It wasn’t Taehyung, how were you ever supposed to forgive yourself? 

“Y/n! Y/n!” 

You didn’t stop until you were suddenly yanked back, “Y/n please,” Namjoon looked at you pleading, “I’m sorry, I overstepped my boundaries and I shouldn’t-” 

“I don’t like you Namjoon.” Your heart was frantically beating out of your chest as tears began to blur in your eyes, shaking your head as you pulled from his grip, “This- it wouldn’t work. Don’t waste your time.” Your voice was ice cold despite the tears dripping down your face as you glared at him, the hurt in his eyes was unmistakable as you turned around. 

Your body in shock as you closed your eyes, letting the tears slide down your cheeks. Walking downstairs you bumped into the person you were just looking for. Jungkook had first smiled upon seeing you before his expression immediately became worried, “What happened?” He was by your side instantly. 

Sobbing you covered your ears, the music and lights too much as guilt ate you alive, “I wanna go home Jungkook.” You felt like a child as you wrapped your arms around yourself, Jungkook immediately wrapping an arm around you as he guided you out of the house. 

How could you ever function after this…? 

“Y/n please, we’re worried.” Jimin kneeled down in front of you as your body trembled, burying further into your blanket curled up on the couch as you shook your head. You couldn’t even speak about what happened without feeling the violent urge to throw up. 

How could you ever do that to Taehyung? What would he think? Closing your eyes you sobbed once more as you heard Jimin demand, “What happened? What do you mean she came downstairs crying?” 

Jungkook sat beside you and had refused to leave your house despite it being three in the morning, concern washed on his expression as he replied, “I don’t know! She and Namjoon went upstairs for a while and then she came back down crying and asked to come home. She wouldn’t talk the whole way home.” 

Just the sound of his name sickened you, your fists curling against the blanket. You couldn’t be angry at him, after all, you had enjoyed it. You craved it. You were the one who was disgusting. Jimin rested his hands on the couch as he looked at you with a frown, “Y/n…” His heart broke at the sight of your crumpled figure buried in blankets, “Did he take advantage of you? What happened?” 

“I imagined him…” You sobbed as you whispered, lips trembling at just the mental imagine in your head, looking up at them with tears welling as you confessed, “I kissed him and all I could see was Taehyung.” You buried back into the blankets as you sobbed, tears staining the warm cotton as you closed your eyes, “I miss him so fucking much. It hurts, it hurts to even breathe knowing he's dead. What’s the point in even being alive if he isn’t here with me? I’d do anything to be with him again. I can’t fucking do this anymore.” 

You curled up as you squeezed your eyes shut, confessing every single thought that had built in your head, “I can’t…!” You couldn’t even register who was hugging you or who was saying what anymore, it was all a blur.

You weren’t even sure when you fell asleep. 

Waking up your head was groggy and you groaned, when did you get in bed and... why was Jungkook here? Jungkook was curled up next to you, his breath in a soft rhythm as you sat up, rubbing your head as you began to recall the night before, your suddenly squeezing as you swallowed back the shame and guilt. 

Stupid

Stupid 

Stupid. 

You should’ve kept it to yourself- you were never supposed to say anything you said last night…”Hey…” You coiled away from Jungkook’s soft voice, deeper than normal as he had obviously just woke up, if he didn’t think you were a kicked puppy before he definitely does now, “Hey…:” His voice was considerably softer as he sat up, a frown on his lips as he spoke, “You don’t need to feel ashamed for last night Noona...it’s good to get that stuff out…” 

Pressing your hands against your face you felt absolutely mortified as you remembered in vivid detail what happened at the party, “I kissed Namjoon,” You whispered under your breath, “And all I could see was him.” You swallowed the thick knot that squeezed in your throat as you felt Jungkook comfortingly press his hand on your shoulder. 

“It’s a process Noona,” Jungkook felt his lips quiver a little, not liking seeing you in such despair, you often hid it well but overtones always lingered, it hurt seeing you like this, “Don’t be so hard on yourself.” A soft knock on the door sounded through the room before it opened, Jimin poking his head in as his eyes turned sad at the way your body curled into itself. 

“How are you feeling?” Jimin sat on the edge of the bed as you snorted. 

“Like crap.” 

You could hear them both chuckle and you even felt your lips tug into a smile briefly before they quivered back into a frown, “God, I’m sorry guys…” You felt awful, you ruined both of their nights and probably their sleep, just to listen to you cry. 

They both were immediately objecting as you inhaled slowly, sinking into yourself as Jimin sighed as well, his gaze soft as he pressed his lips together, silence taking over the room before he slowly spoke, “Y/n...I don’t want you to take this the wrong way but...I think maybe, we should get you help…” You parted your lips, wanting to object but he continued, “You need help. Y/n,” His lips quivered a little, “I lost my best friend,” His eyes looked glossy as he forced a smile, “I can’t lose you too. Please, at least for a week, for me.” 

You lowered your gaze as you rubbed your face, maybe it would be for the best, you were beginning to see things that weren’t there, Taehyung was everywhere you looked, you could never escape the ghost of him no matter how hard you tried, “I…” You glanced at the sheets in resignation as you sighed, “Okay…” You mumbled, “I’ll give it a try.” 

Only because you didn’t want them to worry over you. 

----

Namjoon couldn’t say for sure what had happened, but he knew, deep down, he had fucked up. Running a hand through his hair he groaned as he paused at the shop in front of him. He knew seeing you now was a bad idea, you’d probably go to the back room and you wouldn’t want to talk to him. 

But he just…! He just needed to know why. Why couldn’t he be with you? He never meant to fall in love with you, but he loved your smile you rarely showed, or the way you’d give witty comments to every subject he’d try to be serious about. And for once, he loved being not serious. With you. Did he go too fast? Should he have waited? 

Namjoon almost didn’t want to go inside, he wasn’t sure if he was ready to handle the rejection, sometimes, it doesn’t matter how long you wait, some people are just not interested. But he was so sure you were, your eyes always seemed so bright and lit up when you laughed together, or how it would soften and you’d listen intently to his worries. He just needed to know…! 

Determined he opened the door to the shop where his lips immediately quirked into a frown. Jungkook had just finished serving a customer when their eyes met, a frown also on his lips as he looked away, “Jungkook…! Where is she?” Namjoon must have looked pathetic, his eyes pleading as he hurried to the counter where Jungkook shied away from him, straightening out some of the coffee canisters as he turned his back to Namjoon, “Hyung….I don’t think that’s a good idea.” He mumbled, somewhat meekly as he figidied. 

Namjoon pressed his hands against the counter as his gaze hardened, “Is she not here?” Of course you weren’t here, he should’ve known you’d take the day off to avoid him. If the need to speak to you wasn’t imperative before it certainly was now, “Jungkook please, I just need to know.” 

Jungkook pressed his lips together as he turned around, frowning as his big doe eyes searched his elder, unsure if you’d appreciate him spilling what had been going on. And truthfully it wasn’t his place either, Jungkook sighed as he spoke reluctantly, “It’s not you Hyung, it’s her...She knows that better than anyone. I won’t say anything because It’s not my story to tell...I’ll talk to her about it and if she says it’s okay I’ll let you know where she is. Okay?” 

Namjoon could feel his lips tremble a little before lowering his head in defeat, Jungkook’s expression was serious and if this was the best he could get then he’d just have to take it, Namjoon felt pathetic and desperate but he just needed to see you. To at least know you were okay. Your expression wasn’t just shocked at the party...you looked devastated. He didn’t understand and he wanted to, he needed to so badly. 

“Thanks Jungkook.” He muttered with a sigh as he rubbed the back of his head, his phone vibrated in his pocket for the fifth time, Seokjin had been blowing up his phone the whole morning, apologies and questions had been spammed and he supposed, he’d stop by the frat house and sulk. 

Jungkook offered an apologetic smile as Namjoon sighed, trudging out the door in defeat as he stuffed his hands into his pockets, the frat house was a short walk from the cafe and he had spent the majority of the time trying to gather his thoughts into something comprehensible for his friend to dissect. 

“You could’ve at least sent me a text!” Seokjin scolded as he opened his bedroom door letting Namjoon walk in, the bitter reminder of the same bed he had sat on not too long ago and let his emotions get the better of him. He couldn’t help himself though, he couldn’t stand watching you cry much less sob, and he had seen you in that state so many times. He just wanted to help, he wanted to make you feel better. 

Seokjin frowned as he paused from his scolding at the way Namjoon dejected collapsed on his bed, walking over he searched the man’s empty expression as he sighed, “What did you do?” 

“I ruined everything.” Namjoon sulked as he pressed his hands to his face, “I kissed her and she looked at me like I was a ghost. I asked Jungkook where she was but he won’t say anything.” 

Seokjin hummed as he sat on the edge of the bed next to his friend, “Maybe she just needs time to sort out her feelings. I talked about it before but it’s pretty apparent now that she obviously has a lot going on, Namjoon.” 

Namjoon knew that had to be the case, otherwise you’d already be apologizing when you didn’t even need too, right? You’d be trying to fix whatever that was last night, and hey, he’d rather have you as a friend then not at all. He loved talking to you, hearing your thoughts on life and the way you perceived the world. 

When you first began talking, your world seemed dim, as if you filtered the world in only shades of grey. But the more you spoke and the longer things went on, the more Namjoon noticed you opened up, color began to flood into your world again in soft tones and smiles. He adored it. 

“I just wish she’d let me help her.” Namjoon mumbled as he rubbed his eyes, “I hate seeing her cry, and I hate seeing her push me away, and it would be one thing if she didn’t like me, but you want to know the worst part Seokjin?” 

Hurt quivered in his veins as he sat up, glaring down at the ground as he felt a bitter smile twist on his lips, “I can tell she does, why else would she want to talk to me after everything that’s happened? So why won’t she let herself just…! It’s so frustarting!” 

Seokjin sighed, unable to help but feel a little bad for him, it was obvious somewhere down the line friendship and something more had become blurred, “I know man,” Seokjin consoled, “Just give it time. She’ll come around when she’s ready.

Three weeks. 

That’s how long Namjoon had spent sulking, lectures he once listened to eagerly had become background noise, flavors seemed less vibrant and nothing was the same without you. By the sixteenth day mark he had almost given up, feeling despondent, he had stopped by the shop a few times only for Jungkook to shake his head in apology. 

That was until today. Namjoon’s eyebrows shot up and his heartbeat felt like it was going to burst out of his chest, “Ah...well, we can go after I get off shift, if that’s okay?” Jungkook offered a small smile, happy to see his Hyung looking a little more upbeat then he had before. It was truly a sad sight not only seeing Namjoon but you look like kicked puppies the past few weeks. 

“Yes! Yeah that’ll work…! Jungkook, thank you so much, you- you have no idea how much this means to me…!” Namjoon fumbled over his words, his smile bright and lit up, excited to see you again even if it was to just apologize over and over again. 

Jungkook smiled a little as he shrugged, “I haven’t done anything, Noona is doing a lot better and she asked when I visited yesterday if you could come.”

Namjoon nodded taking in his information before pausing….visited? As in, at her house? He didn’t quite understand but regardless he was glad to hear you didn’t hate him, or at the very least you still wanted to talk to him. Namjoon would take almost anything you handed him now. Some may find it sad but he was desperate, for closure at least.

Sitting down on your bed you hummed, letting your fingers drag against the pages of the book you had been reading during quiet time for the past two weeks, Jimin and Jungkook visited you nearly every day for visitor hour but when you got the chance you’d try to read, like now. 

Perhaps you were just trying to calm your nerves, you had asked Jungkook yesterday if you could see Namjoon...the past month had been...long...filled with tears and exhausting nights. You hated group therapy and the nurses constantly battled you when it came to any sort of physical activities. But as the weeks went on you reluctantly began to open up more, particularly during your singular therapy sessions, which helped the most. 

‘Tell me Y/n, you said earlier that Taehyung was the most and loving man you ever met,’ you nodded at her words as she spoke, ‘And you have also said that you can’t allow yourself to fall in love because you’d of your fear of forgetting him.’

You looked at your lap as you didn’t comment, unable too, it felt good...to be able to just spill everything to someone who was listening objectively, your therapist wasn’t looking at you like a kicked puppy, her eyes weren’t dripping with pity, she simply was listening, ‘Yeah…’ you mumbled as you folded your hands together. 

“Have you ever considered that, if Taehyung is truly as lovely as you describe him to be, that he’d genuinely want you to move on? That he would always want you to be happy? If he’s as kind as you say. Acceptance is never easy Y/n, especially when you’re grieving the love of your life.” 

You hung your head as you felt your eyes water, a sniffle escaping you as she pushes the tissue box over to you as she gave a gentle smile, “But Taehyung would want you to be happy. I want us to target why you feel this guilt every time you try to open up to Namjoon,” She clicked her pen, “You’ve said in the past, you feel guilty because you feel as though Taehyung is judging you, but in reality Y/n, the only person who is judging you, is yourself. The only person who is stopping you from receiving this love, is you.” 

Grabbing a tissue you wiped your eyes as you sniffled while shaking your head, unable to speak no matter how much you wanted too as she continued, “These things you’re talking about are symptoms of depression, the guilt you feel is your superego saying you don’t deserve to be loved because you would be betraying someone who is no longer here. This doesn’t make your feelings invalid, but,” She clacked her tongue, “I’d like us to work together to rein in the superego and get back to the root of your consciousness. On your own time, I’d like you to have Namjoon pay a visit and talk with him, but in the moments of doubt, when you’re mind is telling you to pull away or that you don’t deserve something, I want you to consciously and actively tell yourself that it’s okay to love again. It’s okay to move on, it’s okay to let someone else in’

‘What if I’m not ready to face him?” You sniffled, somewhat horrified at the idea of seeing Namjoon again, how could you ever face him after something so embarrassing? 

‘You’ll never fully be ready to face someone Y/n,” She replied, ‘But the first step to letting go, in your case, is telling yourself, that it’s okay to be loved again. It’s okay that you’re exploring love again. The only way to accept your feelings and your loss is by moving on. Let yourself open up to Namjoon, tell him the reason your like this and it will make you feel a lot better.’

You weren’t sure if you were ready to see Namjoon but...you felt guilty, guilty for lashing out at him when he didn’t deserve anything and...your fist curled as you inhaled sharply ‘it’s okay to love again’ that’s what your therapist told you and told you to repeat to yourself anytime you were flooded with any feelings of guilt. 

Leaning against the wall your fingers dragged along the line of words, trying to read but your mind wouldn’t focus. Jungkook would be here soon with Namjoon, your roommate, a young eighteen year old girl was out in the dining area with her boyfriend right now. She had been emitted by her parents due to her depression but she told you the only time she felt excitement was at six o’clock every day, knowing he’d be here. 

Love really could heal, couldn’t it? 

The knock on your door made you jump, the nurse Kang Min Soo opened the door, she was the one who shuffled you from activity to activity during the day, offering a small smile she said, “You have visitors Y/n.” Straightened a little you nodded as she opened the door, your heart beating wildly in your chest as your eyes first met with Jungkook who offered a gentle smile, the taller figure of Namjoon behind him, eyes curiously searching his surroundings before meeting yours. 

Unable to hold his gaze you dropped it to your book, closing it as you set it on the bed, “Hey guys…” You mumbled, feeling a little shy as you shifted a little. 

“I know you wanted to talk,” Jungkook hummed, looking a little brighter today then he had within the past weeks, “So I’ll give you both a few minutes. Jimin should be here in about fifteen minutes.” You nodded, murmuring a thank you as he nodded, offering a smile to the both of you before he exited, shutting the door. 

It was quiet for a few seconds as you curled your knees into your chest, “...I’m really sorry…” You mumbled, feeling somewhat pathetic at being unable to even meet his gaze, Namjoon was still quiet and you weren’t sure if that was a good sign or not, “...I know I haven’t been the most transparent…” 

The bed shifted a little as you glanced up meekly to see Namjoon sit down a good distance from you, looking a little careful in his expression before he suddenly blurted out, “There’s another guy...isn’t there?” He looked sullied all of a sudden, casting his expression on the ground, “You don’t have to tell me. It’s obvious you’re in love with someone else.” 

“He’s dead.” 

Namjoon’s gaze up shot so fast he could hardly process your words, his lips parting as he searched your broken expression, eyes watering as you laughed a little, a smile tugging on your lips as you continued, “Namjoon- I loved him, so much.” You glanced up at him sincerely as the tears trickled down your cheeks, the smile looked so bright yet so sad as you sniffed, “He was my soulmate.” 

Closing your eyes you rubbed them as the wet substance stained your skin, “I’ll never forget that night. It was so stupid. Taehyung- he- he had worked overtime that day and got off shift late. Kept texting me saying how excited he was to get home and eat what I had made.” Your soft gaze became a fiery glare as you mumbled, “But by eleven he wasn’t home...and I waited...and waited...and then I began to get worried. It wasn’t until 11:30 that I got a call.” 

Squeezing your eyes shut you forced a laugh, “It was an accident, a stupid fucking accident. Neither made it. The car pulled out too soon without enough time for him to stop, the car ended up flipped and they rushed him to the hospital, by the time I got there they had to rush him into surgery.” 

It was quiet for a moment as tears streamed down your face, covering your sob with your mouth as you shook your head, “Three hours and I never even got to say goodbye. Jimin was against the wall in tears and I don’t even remember what the doctor told me. Just saw a glance of his body in the hospital bed before the door shut…. Sometimes I still wonder, if I had just told him to not worry about the extra hours, if he’d still be here. He would’ve listened, he’d do anything to make me happy…” Pressing your hands against your eyes you bit your lip to keep down the sob as you muttered, “But it doesn’t matter now, he’s gone…” Wiping your tears away you took a shaky breath, “I’ve been in denial, not wanting to accept reality for what it is. That he’s gone...that he’s...dead...that he isn’t coming back. When I kissed you,” You felt new tears already welling in your eyes as you lowered your head in shame, “You made me feel better, and I loved that feeling so much. But all I could imagine was him. It’s not your fault...you don’t deserve to be dragged along because of me.” 

“Hey…” You covered your face as you felt arms wrap around you pulling you into a hug, you couldn’t help but crave the warmth of Namjoon, his steady heartbeat of still being alive, did it make you a sinner to crave his touch? “I...I’m so sorry Y/n, I had no idea...that was what you were going through.” He squeezed his arms around you as you curled against him, too weak to try and fight what you wanted so badly, “But I’m not going to leave you just because of this.”

Covering your eyes you tried to stifle your sob, guilt eating away at you at the idea of leading Namjoon on, he deserved to be loved by someone who could give him their all. 

You couldn’t. 

“Don’t cry,” Namjoon’s lips coiled endearingly, those dimples poking out as he tenderly stroked a hand through your hair soothingly, “We’ll get through this, and we can go as slow as you want. But I’m not going to leave you. Not now, not ever. Okay?” 

He leaned down, pressing a kiss against your forehead as you closed your eyes, tears trickling down your face as you tried your best to push the toxic thoughts that invaded your mind away. Taehyung would want this, wouldn’t he? Right? Remembering what your therapist said you repeated the words mentally, it was okay to be loved again. It was okay to move on.

“Are you sure you really wanna try this?” You sniffed, rubbing the tears from your eyes as you looked up at him, lips quivering as you tried to smile, your mouth faltering as you choked out, “I’m a girl with a whole lot of baggage Namjoon.” 

Namjoon let his hands cup your cheeks, his thumbs pushing away the tears as he gave you a soft reassuring smile, “We’ll get past this, okay? You’ll always be worth the wait.” He closed his eyes as he pressed his forehead against yours. You couldn’t help but let out a small laugh, closing your eyes as you felt the small smile tug on your lips. 

Maybe...maybe you could get past this.

You had spent another two weeks at the mental institute before you had felt good enough to sign yourself out and try to pick up your life where you left off, the past month had been...interesting to say the least. Namjoon, much like Jungkook and Jimin, visited you every day. 

Some days were good...others were not so much...But if you learned anything in therapy was to take things a step at a time. Your therapist thought it was wonderful that you had developed feelings for Namjoon, even if it didn’t feel that way. But she had encouraged you saying that it was a sign your heart was ready to move on and heal. 

“I’m so glad you’re back Noona!”

Right now however, you were trying to push Jungkook’s large figure away from you, damn why does this kid have to be so strong? Jungkook was practically like a little boy, running around in excitement when he saw you were put back on your work schedule and has since hugged you for three minutes straight when you walked in, “Jungkook we saw each other Friday.” You complained. 

“Yeah but…! You were in ugly scrubs yesterday and your hair was really greasy,” Jungkook gave you a sheepish grin as you glared at him before pushing him away as he whined, “Besides! It’s your first day back at work!” He clapped his hands, “And you look a lot better! Not as tired anymore, did you sleep well?” 

You sighed as you finished tying your apron, unable to stop the small smile tugging on your lips, Jungkook used to be a lot more reserved in what questions he asked, but having since visited you every day it seems those barriers have long past melted, “Yes, I’ve been sleeping a lot better, but it’s probably because of the medicine I’ve been prescribed to help.” Your smile felt a little weak, but regardless, at least you were sleeping. 

And truthfully, you did feel somewhat, renewed. Like you were no longer strapped to a heavy weight and sinking to the bottom of the ocean. You weren’t sure how to describe it, but you felt lighter these days. Of course you wouldn’t deny how much your being still ached for the man you once loved. You still saw Taehyung in the colors that painted the walls, in the sea you always drove past on your way to work.

But everything seemed so far away now, as if the life you had with Taehyung was just a fuzzy dream. Sometimes late at night you wondered if it was real at all. Yesterday had been painful no doubt, when you arrived home the first thing you did was throw away all of Taehyung’s old clothes you had been keeping. Even his old favorite shirt you always wore to bed. Just the memory almost made your eyes well with tears but you contained yourself. 

Clothes were just clothes, and they wouldn’t make Taehyung come back, would they? 

“Well at least the medicine is helping Noona, sleep is sleep you can’t be picky.” Jungkook was buzzing in happiness before his eyes darted to the girl who was standing at the cash register ready to order, flitting over he began to take her order as you peered from behind. Snorting at the way she flirtatiously smiled and Jungkook fumbled, ears going red as he looked away and rang up her order.

You couldn’t help but smile as you began working on her flat white, “She likes you.” You stated as Jungkook leaned against the counter, crossing his arms as you began to laugh, watching the way his cheeks lit up like little tomatoes. 

“So!? I’m not interested in her.” He mumbled defensively as you clacked your tongue, shaking your head as you set her coffee down at the end of the counter. Of course cupid only liked playing in your love life. As if the universe heard your thoughts the doorbell chimed as your gaze shot up. Two all too familiar figures walked in, well the other bounced in excitement, “Hey guys! It’s good to see you back Y/n! How have you been?” Hoseok practically flew to the counter in excitement. Given his words you doubt he knew what you had been up too but you appreciated the sentiment regardless, offering a small smile as you shrugged, “Just needed a break to clear my head. I’m doing good. Word is you finally bagged someone.” 

Hoseok’s lips parted before he prominently closed them, his cheeks looking red before the door to the back suddenly opened, Yoongi looking around before Hoseok flailed a little, “What!? W-who told you that…?” You looked between them as you raised your brows, unable to keep the smile off your face. 

“Awh, gay is okay guys. You don’t have to be shy.” You could hear Jungkook trying to cover his snort as he turned away to grab the convenient tray of pastries from Yoongi who suddenly looked perturbed and embarrassed, his ears were red as he mumbled something before quickly pushing back into the back room. Hoseok puckering his lips before he caved, a bright smile on his lips as he leaned over, “Hey…you mind if I go back there?” You snorted as you waved your hand. 

“Knock yourself out. Just don’t cum all over the stove.” “Y/n!” “Sorry!” 

You laughed as Hoseok sped around the counter and bolted into the backroom as you shook your head. At least some things changed for the better over the month you had been gone. Shaking your head you hummed, “Someone looks like they’re in a good mood.” His words made your lips tug into a smile as you turned to face Namjoon who had been passively watching the whole situation unfold.

“You don’t know how long I’ve watched them pine for one another,” You replied, looking down as you wiped down the counter to try and keep your gaze from meeting his, it was weird, this warm burning sensation that tickled your insides, it almost felt like butterflies, “It’s nice to see them finally admit it. So are you just here to watch the gays or are you gonna order something?” You looked up, a weird half smile quirked on your lips and you probably looked stupid. 

Namjoon leaned down against the counter as he shrugged, a smile on his lips and those pretty dimples on display, “What should I get?” 

These feelings, constantly repeating to yourself that they were okay, it was all so new. It was hard not to get flustered at his innocent words as you turned to look at the menu before shrugging, “Well you like tea, what about Tropic Blossom? It’s main notes are orange blossom and hibiscus so it’s naturally sweet unless you want stevia in it?” You turned back to face him only to awkwardly look away, feeling your face begin to burn at the way he was looking at you. 

It wasn’t provocative or anything sensual, but his eyes were lit up in a warm glow and his lips were constantly curved upwards in a smile, “Sure, with a chocolate scone too! Hey do you think you could convince Yoongi to make blueberry scones?” 

You rang up Namjoon as you snorted, curving a brow with an amused look before replying, “You could’ve got one back in spring if you had just come with Hoseok earlier. He doesn’t take requests though so no.” 

“Not even for me? Come on, you could convince him.” Namjoon leaned in a little, his lips quirking into a smirk as he hummed, “Just once.” You turned away from him as you tried to ignore the way your face burned. Jungkook had a shit eating grin on his face as he minded his own business, or at least he pretended to as he began making the Tropic Blossom. 

“Just once Noona?” He couldn’t help himself as he gave you patronizing puppy eyes as you glared at him before he snickered, you shoved his shoulder though he hardly budged as you huffed. 

“I will, in the spring.” You clacked your tongue as you tried to control the smile that tugged on your lips as you leaned down as you pulled out the scone, placing it on the plate as you set up the napkin, “Until then you’re just gonna have to live with chocolate.” You stood up, looking up at his figure as you felt a smile tug on your lips once more as you handed him his plate.

“Can I take you somewhere tonight?” 

Your eyebrows shot up at his abrupt words, Jungkook set his tea down as he immediately spoke for you, “She’d love to- Ow!” You jammed your elbow into his rib as he squeaked, suddenly looking at you with sullied eyes like a kicked puppy as he trailed back to the register where a small line had formed.

Take you somewhere…? Like a date…? You weren’t sure if that’s what he meant but...you felt a little at war with yourself, you knew you should be excited but, “Only if you want to,” Namjoon could immediately sense the shift in your demeanor, offering a small smile, “Remember what I said? We can take this at your pace.” 

Well...he was right, you could always head home early if things took an odd turn or...the guilt had faded but you couldn’t help but feel like you were doing something wrong, mustering a smile you nodded, “It’s fine! I get off work at seven though…” 

“Perfect! It’s nothing special,” Namjoon’s smile brightened as he held his cup up, “I’ll see you after work then…” He tipped his drink to you as he gave it a sip, the doors to the backroom suddenly swinging up as you whirled around. 

“What did I say Hoseok?” You couldn’t help the amusement you felt at the sight of Hoseok’s ruffled hair and the suspicious bruises on his neck that were absolutely hickies, he sent you a semi embarrassed and unappreciative look as he replied, “Just get my sugar glaze pastry…”

You couldn’t stop the shit eating grin on your face as you and Jungkook exchanged looks before ringing him up, “And a cumin shot to go?” His glare was worth the joke. 

The rest of the day had come and gone, some hours slow and others fast, Jungkook and you would often go bug Yoongi when things were slow- well it was mainly Jungkook, but you were glad to be back. Things almost seemed...normal? 

Was this what life was really like before....you felt a small lump in your throat form. Before Taehyung? The ache in your heart was still there, but it was no longer the force that would always cause you to topple. Maybe this was the worst part of it all. 

The fact that the once beautiful life you had with Taehyung was over now. You felt a smile tug on your lips and your eyes gloss a little, but for the first time, it wasn’t out of sadness. But happiness, that at the very least, you had Taehyung in your life for as long as you did. Some things just weren’t meant to be. In this lifetime at least. 

Taking a deep breath you pulled yourself from your thoughts as you finished cleaning the counters, Jungkook had already finished taking out all the old pastries and Yoongi had finished cleaning up the back, “You ready to go Noona?” Jungkook called out as he untied his apron. 

“Yeah, gimme a second.” You called back as you tossed your rag into the sink, walking over to the coat rack as you untied your own apron. You glanced out the shop door to see a familiar figure standing out front waiting as you looked back down, suddenly feeling semi embarrassed. 

Jungkook and Yoongi were exchanging glances and you could tell on both of their faces they thought this was both endearing and hilarious, all it took was one glare from you to keep them both from spouting any kind of bullshit. 

Wrapping your jacket around yourself you snuggled up against the warm fabric that fought against the cold air as you walked outside, offering a meek smile to Namjoon who’s eyes lit up at the sight of you, “Hey…” You murmured, trying to calm your heart rate that spiked rapidly for no reason. 

Keeping his hands inside his coat pocket Namjoon greeted you with a brighter smile, “Hey, are you ready to go?” You gave a small nod as you began walking beside him. The sun setting and the air was getting colder at night these days, soon autumn would be here and color would flourish in all the trees. 

Warily, you couldn’t help but feel a small part of yourself that was…looking forward to autumn. It was always a welcomed time of year for you, when cinnamon was strong in the air and you could bake anything with apples in it. Bundling up next to a small campfire and the only time you could wear flannel without feeling self conscious. 

“Where are we going?” You asked softly as you glanced up at Namjoon who peered down at you with a small playful smile, as if he wasn’t going to answer, but he thought it was cute you’d ask regardless. 

“Somewhere.” Namjoon’s smile became bigger as he watched the pout quirk on your lips as you hummed, looking back out at the darkening sky, “It’s nothing special, just something I like doing when I have the next day off.” You tilted your head in curiosity as to where he was taking you. 

You only felt more confused when you stood at the gates of the park, turning to look at Namjoon as you felt a smile curl on your lips, unsure of what to make of this, “Not even a hint?” 

“Well,” Namjoon drawled, pressing his lips together briefly in thought before smiling once more, “We’ll be sitting down. I can’t say anything without giving it away.” 

Sitting down? There was a playground here, would you be sitting on the swings? You hadn’t done that in a long time, but much to your surprise Namjoon walked right past only for your eyes to set on a blanket that looked to already be spread out and a...telescope? Namjoon sat down as he gestured at you with a laugh, “What’s with that expression?” 

“Nothing!” You hurriedly replied, sitting down on the other side of the blanket, “I just…” You looked around before looking up at the sky, lips parting a little only to notice the dark sky blanketed with bright stars, “Didn’t expect this…” You murmured as your eyes darted from star to star, it was a clear night, perfect for stargazing, how long had it been since you even looked up? 

Had you truly forgotten the stars existed before this moment? 

Namjoon’s expression was warm as he gestured you over, “They look even better up close, you can see Pisces from here.” Leaning down you peeped through the lense as Namjoon guided the telescope as you let out a little gasp, “Oh! I think I see it!” You zoomed the lense out a little bit as you pressed your lips together, “Wait, I don’t think that’s it.” 

You had never been good with astronomy but...something about Namjoon laughing softly as you straightened up, something about the way he passionately pointed to each constellation, the way the deep midnight sky melted between the flicks of white that all seemed so...alive…

You really liked this.

You must’ve spent the whole night, looking at the stars laying down, talking about whatever came to mind, you couldn’t take your eyes off the sky for hardly a second. It truly was beautiful. 

“Hey, Y/n.” You hummed as Namjoon spoke up softly, “Do mind, if I ask...about him…” You stiffened a little, your dreamy gaze snapping to Namjoon, more awake now then you had been all evening. 

As if noticing the semi spooked expression Namjoon quickly added, “Only if you’re up to it...I’m sure it isn’t easy to talk about it...But I just…” He seemed a little self conscious as his eyes flickered back to the sky, “I just wanted to know about him, what he was like, what did you do together.” 

You felt a weak smile tug on your lips before closing your eyes, the night sky was no longer in your vision, but it was the warmth of your old home, the apartment you shared with Taehyung, his face which you hadn’t seen in so long was so clear, “He was…” You trailed off for a second before you felt your eyes water as a smile tugged on your lips, “Childish,” You laughed, memories of his pouty expression whenever you reprimanded him, “Playful definitely…” You sniffed as you wiped your eyes, the way he’d smirk and grab you by the waist, murmuring less than appropriate things in your ear, “God he was…” Opening your eyes you laughed again while shaking your head, “Everything I could’ve ever wanted. He made me see colors that don’t exist, noise became music, clouds weren’t just particles anymore,” Tears trickled down your face as you smiled, looking up at the stars, “He told me they were god’s canvas that he painted on every day. Taehyung, he saw beauty in everything.”

You paused as your smile slowly faded, closing your eyes as the pain washed over you, the dull ache in your heart returned as you rubbed your eyes of the tears you had shed, “It’s just…” You felt pathetic, still crying, still missing what once was, “Hard to believe it’s all over, y’know?” 

You felt fingers tug at your hair before gently combing through as you covered your mouth, trying to stifle down the sobs that bubbled in your throat, “He sounds like a one of a kind.” Namjoon offered a small smile as you turned to face him, rubbing the warm tears from your face as you felt a smile tug on your lips. 

“He was terrible! He’d start singing trot off tune and he always made such a fucking mess in the kitchen without cleaning it up!” Memories flashed by in your mind, flour all over the floor and Taehyung's voice low and raspy as he’d cough while trying to sing, the large boxy smile he’d give when you’d wake up to breakfast already made, “And he always left his clothes all over the floor because he never did laundry because he knew i’d do it for him if he waited long enough.” 

“Oh? And how bad were the road trips?” Namjoon’s lips were tugged in a soft smile, laying on his side to look at you as his fingers tangled against your roots. 

“Don’t even get me started,” You both laughed as continued, “Jazz was always a must and it was so boring to listen to for five hours straight and he always bought too many snacks! We went camping one time and...god!” You let out a breathy laugh, “Never again, we forgot to bring bug repellent in the middle of the most humid time of the year and apparently there was like this- retreat? For nudists at the campgrounds at the time and they kept coming over asking if we wanted to take LSD with them and it ended up raining the whole time!” 

Namjoon was snorting out a laugh, humored as he asked, “What did you guys do? I don’t think I can imagine my camping neighbors as nudists.” 

“We had rented out this shitty old camper van so we could keep all of our supplies in the back but, after a long day of being miserable and arguing half the time we packed up and intended on leaving,” You closed your eyes as your fingers traced against the soft blanket, “But when we were driving back we ended up taking a wrong turn and found a cliff side camping spot that was just gorgeous. So we ended up clearing out the back of the van and setting up a ton of blankets and pillows and we enjoyed the view.” 

You could still feel the hard car floorboard against your body with just a few blankets for comfort, curled up against Taehyung with his arms wrapped around you looked out over the valley, that awful weekend ended up being one of your favorite memories, “We turned off our phones, worked through our problems, shared laughs and ate those stupid hostess powdered donuts, and he said it. That first I love you.” 

Tears dripped down your face as you forced yourself to pause, you hated doing this to Namjoon, who obviously held back saying those same words, why was he even doing this to himself? He couldn’t have actually wanted to hear about him. You could see the way his heart always crumbled with every tear you cried, “I miss him so much. I’m sorry.” You whispered in overwhelm, memories you had forgotten resurfacing and you pressed your hands into your face. 

“Shhh,” You were pulled against Namjoon, his arms comfortingly wrapped around you as he held you close, “It’s okay to miss him.” 

-----

“I’m gonna hurt the roots if I just rip it out!” 

You curved a brow as you snorted, Namjoon looked utterly distressed as he attempted to repot his newest set of flowers, mums in shades of deep burnt orange and burgundy, perfect for autumn, “The roots are overgrown!” You argued, “We’re gonna have to cut them down to put less stress on the plants for the love of god just listen to me!” 

You pushed the powdered donut into your mouth before sitting down with him on the wooden picnic table, “Who’s the expert here?” 

“You.” Namjoon unenthusiastically hmphed as he rolled his eyes, but curiously peered down at your hands that pushed down through the soil, carefully extracting the small square of mums as you swallowed the large clump of donut, “Alright we gotta clip these before you can repot them, it’ll promote more growth and they won’t die as quick.” 

“It just seems…” Namjoon watched warily as you clipped the roots with zero hesitation, “...Counter intuitive. Isn’t this like ripping out their lungs?” 

You snorted again, turning to look at him as you pouted animatedly, “Awh you think plants feel? I mean if you wanna get that graphic it’s more like...shaving their lungs…” You watched Namjoon’s nose crinkle in dismay as you laughed, “Seriously though, they won’t get as much nourishment from the soil if you just keep this big ass clump. Root pruning is kind of essential when you’re repotting store bought plants.” 

“Alright but if my flowers die-” 

“Which they won't.” You handed him the pruners as you gave him a cheeky smile, “Well go on, they won’t trim themselves.” You grabbed the bag of mini donuts before plopping another into your mouth, as you inhaled sharply. It was such a beautiful day out, the sun was shining and clouds big and fluffy. 

It was the perfect day to be outside, which is why you were sitting on the picnic table that was one of many sitting outside behind your apartment building. Things with Namjoon have been...good...they’ve been great. It’s been nearly a month of consistently seeing one another, hanging out. 

The pain is still there but, it’s gradually faded with time, you still go see your therapist once a week to talk over things in hopes of not pouring too much out onto Namjoon who was always so patient and kind. You frequented the park at night with him to stargaze and planting and taking care of any greenery had become a thing with you both.

You weren’t sure what it was but, being able to be open and honest about your past relationship with Taehyung, being able to talk about your adventures together, the things you loved and annoyed you about him. Somehow having Namjoon earnestly listen to it all brought you closer to him. You felt safe with him, like he’d wipe your every tear away. 

You really didn’t deserve him. 

Your fists curled in frustration having not caught the words in your mind. Your therapist had been really getting on you as of late to try and redirect your thoughts to more positive affirmations anytime you mentally said you didn’t deserve him. Like...you deserved to have his kindness in your life. 

You could even step into the art museum now without much fear, only because Namjoon loved art and he often contemplated his love of philosophy alongside it. You really were thankful for him. But you couldn’t help but notice something lingering…something you couldn’t quite put your finger on. 

“So I was thinking.” Namjoon hummed, his eyes purposely looking down at the soil that crumbled beneath his fingers as he pruned the roots carefully, “Why not attend that gala tonight? For Modernism?” 

You tilted your head as you shoved another donut in your mouth, “Gala?” Your voice was muffled as you chewed before swallowing, “I thought you said it was stupid because they should’ve chosen to represent Baroque?” He had done things like this in the past before, it would be one thing if you were an art person and he was doing it for you, but you weren’t. 

 Namjoon looked a little apprehensive as he shrugged, gaining your attention more as his eyes stayed on the mums, “Well...I know you both used to like doing...you know, things like that…” He mumbled, making your mouth fall open. Oh...oh no…! You were afraid of something like this happening. 

“Namjoon,” Your lips tugged into a pout, your voice gaining his attention as he peeked up a little, obviously embarrassed when he shouldn’t be, grabbing the plant from him tenderly you set it into the pot before grabbing his soil covered hands, his eyes anywhere but yours, “Those were things me and him liked to do Namjoon…” 

“I- I just…” Namjoon fumbled a little, “I know you miss doing those things so…” 

Your expression twisted sadly, had you said too much to him about Taehyung? You didn’t want Namjoon to feel insecure about your relationship...not that you were together but...things were obviously headed in that direction, weren’t they?

“I don’t miss doing those things Namjoon, I miss it because it was with him,” You watched the way he frowned, his shoulder’s slumping as he stared down at the table, “And you aren’t him. And I don’t want you to be him,” His gaze suddenly shot up to your expression that hardened, “Namjoon I don’t want to live in the past trying to make old memories new again when we already have something. I wanna create new memories that are just as happy,” You felt a little shy as you looked away, “With you, and with the things we like to do together. So don’t worry about it, let’s just stick with a plans to go to the park tonight, besides didn’t you say a meteor shower was happening,” 

You were casual in your words, trying to play off your heartfelt confession on not wanting him to compare himself to your old lover, that wasn’t the kind of relationship you wanted and it wouldn't be Namjoon if he did things the way Taehyung did. They were two very different men with similar hobbies but for vastly different reasons, but you’d always love them both. 

Wait…

“Draconids, but it’ll be a boring show. They say there’s only five meteors an hour” Namjoon smiled, his chin resting against his arm as he gave you a dopey smile making you laugh as you shook your head. His fingers playing with yours as you replied, “I’d rather be there then at a stuffy art gala.” 

“Noona! Hyung! Oh did we interrupt?” 

You clacked your tongue in annoyance as your hand, still intertwined with Namjoon’s dropped to table to see both Jungkook and Jimin waving, “No you didn’t, asshole!” You added as you yelled back, watching both Jimin and Jungkook belt out with laughter as a smile tugged on your lips. 

It was originally planned as just a lunch outside but you and Namjoon had made more plans on top of that. 

Jimin waved the bag of takeout he had gotten for everyone as they both sat down, grabbing the towel that was laid out Namjoon wiped his hands along yours as he groaned, “Ah I’m starving, why did it take you guys so long?” 

“No reason,” Jungkook hummed, sounding oddly...content…? Your furrowed your brows as you looked between them both, Jimin’s eyes immediately shooting down to the bag of food as he coughed loudly, “Here’s your kebabs you wanted.” 

You ignored whatever subtext was lingering in the air at the sight of you lamb kebabs, hands immediately sticking out with a smile, “Thank you!” When was the last time you had enjoyed food like this? 

You could feel the warm rays of sunshine on your face and the cool breeze that passed over your body occasionally, was this what it was like to feel again? It was hard to keep Namjoon’s bright gaze that looked more and more like love these days, the way he’d just stare at you with that small smile and those dimples of his. You supposed, these days, maybe you really could fall in love with someone else. 

And after all...that’s what Taehyung would want, wouldn’t it? Something continuously held you back though and...suddenly everything became so clear, you knew exactly what you needed to do. And you knew you didn’t need to do it alone. Watching Jungkook and Jimin bid their farewell after lunch your throat became dry as your heartbeat became faster. 

“Namjoon,” You asked before you convinced yourself maybe this wasn’t as good of an idea as you thought it was. 

He hummed, turning to face you, that bright smile on his lips again as he listened endearingly, somehow making it harder to speak and had the sun always been this hot? “...Would you mind going with me...to visit him?” 

Namjoon’s pupils widened a little and his lips parted as if not expecting those words, he sincerely took a moment to ponder them and you appreciated more then if had unwillingly said yes, after a moment he gave you another reassuring smile as he grabbed your hands, “Of course Y/n.” You felt relieved as you gave a small smile in return, you knew exactly what you needed to do. 

It wasn’t until the evening that you went to the flower shop, grabbing a small bouquet of tiger lilies before walking towards the cemetery, Namjoon doing a double take when you shyly grabbed his hand. Touches were innocent still, hand holding still new and it was admittedly welcomed. 

The sunset was vivid today and it seemed just like yesterday you had rejected Namjoon’s offer for lunch in turn to come here, had that really been three months ago? You looked up at his figure that was looking ahead as a smile tugged on your lips. 

The cemetery looked as it always did, serene, carefully walking in the passage ways and making sure to not step onto any graves you paused at the willow tree. Your heart still squeezed as you glanced down. 

Kim Taehyung 

1995 - 2018

‘For my part I know nothing with any certainty, but the sight of the stars makes me dream’

Sitting down you pulled out the rag you had packed, gently wiping off his gravestone as your eyes waters, a soft smile tugging on your lips as your fingers traced against the engraved name, “Oh there’s so many things I wish I could tell you Tae.” You murmured softly, closing your eyes as the tears slid down, the smile still on your face as you sat back, placing the flowers down as an arm comfortingly wrapped around you. 

Sniffing you wiped your eyes as you leaned against Namjoon, your head resting against his shoulder as you closed your eyes, “I’ve struggled for so long to let you go. To let myself be okay with letting you go.” You could imagine Taehyung’s face, his dark locks of hair covering his eyebrows and his soft smile, hands cupping your cheeks, “And I’ll always love you. But I know you wouldn’t want me to go on the way I had been…So I’ve come here to say goodbye I suppose.” 

There was an ache in your jaw and your heart throbbed with that familiar dull ache, Namjoon’s head laying on top of yours as he pressed a kiss against your hair, “You’ll always be with me, and I’ll always cherish the time I had with you. But it’s time that I let myself be happy again. I know you understand. So thank you for...everything. And leading me to the person I belong with now.”

You squeezed your eyes shut as the tears trickled down your cheeks, pressing into Namjoon’s shoulder, even despite your tears you felt, at peace? As if this was meant to be, accepting things for what they were, and that no, you weren’t completely over Taehyung, but this was a good start to letting him go fully. 

Namjoon wrapped his arms around you as you sniffled, scooting against him as you curled up against the warmth he radiated, “I promise I’ll take care of her,” He spoke softly, a gentle smile on his lips as he looked down at your curled up figure, knowing this couldn’t be easy for you to do, “I know we never met, but thank you for making her happy. And I’ll continue to do the same.” He pressed another kiss against your head as he rested his head a top of yours once more. 

Sniffles escaped you as the wind blew through the trees, a soft rustle being the only noise outside your tears as the willow tree swayed in contentment. And if you really wanted to reach, maybe this was Taehyung’s spirit giving his blessing.

For the first time, leaving the cemetery was like a breath of relief, it was as if you had learned to walk on your own for the first time in a very long time. The sun had already set and hand in hand with Namjoon you both walked to the park where you set out the blanket as the moon rose. 

“Thanks by the way,” You turned to face Namjoon in confusion as he offered a small shy smile, “For taking me to visit him today. I know it wasn’t easy to do.” Your heart felt like it was doing little backflips as you crawled out to snuggle up against him, for the first time, craving his touch against you. 

“Of course, but I’m ready to focus on us.” You still felt a little shy yourself but you wanted more than anything to get to know Namjoon, he knew everything there was to know about you by now in terms of your past relationship. There was an unquenchable inferno inside you that wanted to know everything you could about this man. 

Laying down curled up against him Namjoon let his fingers tenderly run against your hair as he whispered, “I’m okay with that.” Your heart for the first time felt content, warm and fuzzy, all the hurt and all the tears you had spent crying felt like just a distant memory in the arms of your lover now. 

Your eyes felt lost in the inky blue sky above the were speckles with stars that gleamed brightly, and there it was the first meteor that passed making you squeak in excitement, Namjoon smiled as he looked down at your expression that seemed so excited at the flashes of light that streaked across the sky. 

Glancing at the sky Namjoon was surprised at the next few meteors that passed, and a few more before they came in dozens and dozens and soon the whole sky was lit up in light and the stars the seemed so muted before looked like gems that danced across the sky, light blues mixed with deepers shades of indigo and the streaks of white painted across the sky as he whispered, “This only happens once every few hundred years, where hundreds appear in the sky.” 

Namjoon couldn’t look at the rare sight in the sky though, not when he could look at your eyes that reflected the whole sky in them, all the stars that surfed in your gaze and your lips open in awe at the sight and for the first time in his life, he understood what that saying meant. 

‘For my part I know nothing with any certainty, but the sight of the stars makes me dream’

Namjoon would never leave your side for a single second, he pledged to himself, you’d both get through this together and you’d build a strong relationship. And he’d cherish you just as much as Kim Taehyung did, he’d devote his whole life to you if needed.” 

“Namjoon,” Your eyes looked dreamy while you turned to face him, he seemed distant as he stared at you as you gave a bashful smile, for the first time able to say what you always felt, “I love you.” 

[jay-and-dean]

Firefly  Chapter 3 : Nine and Twelve years old

By Roonyxx and Jay-and-dean

Pairings : future Dean x reader ?

Summary :  40 years in Hell, but he didn’t spend all this time all alone, he had her.

Prepare to know what happened during those years Dean never talks about. To immerge yourself in Hell, only lit by the mysterious kid growing here…

And to see some of your favorite villains again : Crowley, Lilith, Lucifer… And also Sammy and Jack…

Serie Warnings : Hurt!Dean, Hell (torture, even if we tried to not give it graphic descriptions, creepy demons, blood, violence), swearing, angst, future fluff and smut.

This story is in both Reader’s POV and Dean’s POV

Wordcount : 4880

Note : This is our second collaboration. We can’t both edit the same post, so we decided we would post 1 chapter/2 each, like we did for Same.

We both worked as much on this story and it’s the result of both our brains but also both our hearts.

Please, if you want to show love for this story, don’t forget we were together in this.

This story will be around 10 chapters and we intend to edit it every Saturday if nothing delays it.

Firefly Chapter 1

Firefly Chapter 2

Jay’s Masterlist

Roonyxx Masterlist

—————————————————————————————

3.

Reader’s pov

She sighed, putting the notebook down on the marble table.

“Once more” the demon ordered, weirdly scratching his chin, or rather the skin of a middle-aged lady that didn’t suit him. “I want you to know this by heart.”

“Why” Y/n frowned. “What is the point of all that ? You’re not even a real teacher ! You make me learn things that have no sense !” 

A wicked expression appeared on the demon’s face, betraying him despite that ridiculous disguise.

“Oh I’m begging you little shit, disobey again. Punishing you is the only good part of this stupid job.”  

“You’re not allowed to hurt me” she smiled with contempt. “Crowley would end you, and Lilith…”

The demon suddenly got up, grabbing her by the hair to throw her where the chains were. Immediately tying her like an animal in a circus. She tried to fight him, already regretting her words.

“I’m allowed to cage you.”

“No no no…” she instantly begged.

Last time he had done that, he left her chained for four days and no one showed up, he was the only one coming every day.

         But today, she was going to know if Sammy told John about the college letter. After several bad days in a row (days when Dean couldn’t talk, wasn’t in his cell or she couldn’t get there), she couldn’t resolve to be locked again.

“Let me out !” she groaned. “Let me out or I SWEAR !”

But the demon kept smiling, seeing the now warded chains redden without breaking.

“Please…” she finally begged, falling on her knees. “Please, I hate those chains.”

“Prime numbers” the demon just stated coldly. “Until two thousand.” 

“Two” she swallowed, looking down. “Three, five, seven, eleven, thirteen…”

          She limped in the corridor, holding on to the bloody walls with tears in her eyes, and Mister Teddy Bear against her.

         After making her start again ten times, the demon had thrown the keys at her with a satisfied smile before he left. But of course, he had given them all but one : the one holding her ankle ; just to laugh, thinking at her false hope.

         And after tugging at it furiously for an hour or more, something had finally broke. Not in the chain... but in her ankle. 

         Dean’s cell wasn’t so far now, she would make it. And she would be brave and heal, just like he did, every single day. She turned left and limped to his cell, a cold sweat dripping down her back, and finally pushed the door with a light smile.

         Her smile faded.

She was too late or too early, or Alastair just lost his temper again. Almost nothing was left of her friend. Blood and guts, pieces of bones....  

For the first time in her life, she looked away, turned around on her purple foot and left a tear fall on her cheek. Hell was an unfair place and, for years, she had just accepted it for was it was, because she knew nothing else… But now her child innocence was slowly dying, and her hate growing.

She sat on the corner of the room, making herself as small as possible, her back on what was left of Dean, holding her teddy bear against her. 

She could wait.

After a while, she could hear the little whimpers that left his mouth, a sign that he was back together.

She turned around to see him : He was panting, his clothes clung to his sweat drenched body. His eyes were still closed, not ready to face her yet, if he even knew she was there. 

She took her injured ankle and heaved it up off the ground to turn completely to him, a hiss leaving her mouth. It wasn't totally healed yet, which made her frown. She was used to injuries only lasting a few minutes, an hour eventually… But this one was bad.

His eyes opened, he probably heard her. 

“H-hey Firefly…” he sounded hoarse. 

She wiped her tear and tried to give him her best smile, but she couldn’t. Hell was weighing down on her more and more every single day, she now saw how wrong it all was. How her friend suffered every single minute down here.

“Hey…” she said a little bitterly, as she waved the arm of Mister Teddy Bear. 

His eyes raked over her, but he didn’t really seem to see her yet. They looked void of anything. He heaved himself up with his arms, his back now resting against the wall. He squeezed his eyes tightly shut and opens them again. His pupils adjusted to the darkness that surrounded them. He once again took her in, frowning when he saw her cradling her foot.

“Y-You’re hurt ?” He sat up more, his hair sticked to his sweaty forehead. 

She shrugged, she would heal anyway. It’s nothing compared to what he is going through. For the first time in her short life, she thought of the act of torture, for real, not just like something that existed and filled her world, but like something absurdly cruel… Before she could really come to any conclusion, he spoke again, his voice worried like it was more important for her to be hurt, like for him, it was just the way it was… Was it ?

“Does it hurt ?” he questioned her.

She shook her head no. It did hurt, but she didn’t want to worry him, she just wanted to know more about Earth and try to take his mind off everything.

He let his head rest back against the wall.

“Where were we ?” He still had some trouble breathing, she could see it in the way his chest moved. “Oh yeah. The college letter, right ?”

She nodded, yes ! Was Sam gonna tell their dad or not ?

“Right…” he took a deep shaky breath, and she couldn’t say if it was from his body still being broken, or from that weight on his chest, he always seemed to have when he talked about his father. “So at first Sammy didn’t tell our dad, because well, he knew dad wouldn’t like it. He knew I didn’t like it.”

Of course he didn’t, she thought, he needed Sam. And being alone with his father really didn’t seem fun… For a second, she wondered what would life be with a brother or a sister. But she will never know, her own father made it very clear that her “accidental” life was enough bother. 

“I didn’t want Sammy to leave” he continued. “He’s my baby brother. I gotta look out for him.”

He fell silent suddenly, apparently strangled by emotions, a tear rolled down his face. Her own stomach felt tight, the love Dean felt for his brother always moved her deeply.

She moved a little closer and put her teddy bear in his lap, she knew he felt lonely. It was part of the torture, the loneliness… She felt it too. 

He wrapped his hand around the small, dirty bear with a tender smile, almost amused.

“Thank you.” He looked down at the bear as he continued. “He is the reason I’m here, you know. Sammy died and I… I couldn’t let that happen, so I made a deal. My life for his. I would do it again in a heartbeat. He deserves a happy life.” 

And he didn’t ? 

He was tortured every single day, just because he saved his baby brother ? That sounded… wrong.

She knew a few reasons people would give up their soul. Money, success, fame... She never understood why those reasons exactly, these things didn’t mean anything down here. Those souls, they never lasted long on the rack.

But sacrificing your own soul for Love, those were the good people, the ones that really didn’t deserve to be here. Dean was one of them.

She looked up at his face, his eyes were watching nothing in particular, but she could tell by the thousand emotions passing on his face, that he was lost in his memories.

“Sammy loves fireworks” his thumbs brushed over the blood stained tummy of the bear. She frowned at him.

“Do you know fireworks ?” He finally looked at her.

She crossed her legs, noticing her foot was healed, and shook her head no. It sounded a little dangerous to her.

“It’s a tube filled with chemicals and when you light it on fire, it shoots up in the sky and makes a colorful explosion. Many people use it to celebrate a holiday” he half smiled. “Fireworks can be blue or red, gold, green, any color you want.” He reached over to give her bear back. She took him and placed the broken toy back in her lap.

A smile came upon her face, that sounded like something she would like.

“I hope you can see it one day, well night, you can only see it at night, because light only shines in the dark. This one time I got a whole box of fireworks, i was like 19 maybe. Sammy was 15. We had some rough hunts, one after the other and I could see it was wearing down on Sam, and it was the 4th of July.”

She didn’t dare telling him she had no idea what it meant, she was used to know only a part of what he was talking about. 

“Dad forbid it, but I disobeyed. I wanted to make him smile, he was so happy…” he smile faded. “I wonder how he is now. ”

She wanted to get him fireworks, she wanted to make him smile. No, she had to make him smile, if it was the last thing she did.

“Sorry, I was talking about the letter, I just… I just remembered night sky and...” he swallowed. “At least Sammy can still see night sky, stars. You never saw stars, Firefly, right ?”

She gave him a light smile, that seemed to make him curious. 

“Did you ever see the sky ?”

“I…” she started but didn’t finished her sentence. 

How dangerous was it to speak ? For him ? For her ? For Crowley and all the “people” she knew even if she hated them all. They had made her swear.

She looked around and turned her ankle to make sure it didn’t hurt and wasn’t broken anymore. Then got up on her feet.

It was the very first time since she knew Dean, that she saw him totally healed and, above all, not chained. His body just got whole again so it was free from the iron nightmares.

She took a deep breath, and thought hard for a second : What if Alastair came here and… What is the worst that could happen if she got caught breaking Hell’s number one rule ? They would torture him… They already did that the best they could. They would probably lock her up and never let her out… 

She looked at him for a long time, searching his confused face.

“Are you okay, kid ?” he asked in a frown.

“Come” she finally answered, offering him her tiny hand.

Dean’s Pov  

He stared at her palm, trying to process what she just said. He had never escaped this room, and the few times he got out of it, a demon just took him just next door, for unknown reason. 

“You…” he said but she just kept offering her hand.

Dean was scared. He was terrified even. Years of constant torture and humiliation had made him extremely sensible to threats ; and right now, all he could think of was Alastair’s voice telling him he hadn’t done the worst he could do yet, that some places in here could make him say yes in a heartbeat, but that it was funnier this way.

He hesitated. Alastair would be furious if he found him out… But her eyes were shining, and her hand didn’t shake at all. Something so strong was radiating from her. 

He got up, and just being on his feet felt weird now. No chains, no broken knees… His hand reached hers and she closed her surprisingly soft fingers around it, smiling so wide her pretty teeth showed.

The first three or four steps he took felt extremely weird, like his body remembered how to be active, move… There was something so alive about walking.

After balking a second before the door frame, he finally got out of his cell, led by the little girl in a fancy night blue dress, that seemed to fear nothing.

“Where are you…” he started.

But she turned to him, cutting him with panicked eyes and a finger on her lips. Then she shook her head “no”, making it clear that they had to be silent.

Dean was thorn. His eyes kept roaming everywhere, and yet he didn’t want to see anything. Hell was not just a word now for him, and the screams and begging was slowly triggering some serious panic attack deep inside of him.

His hand started to sweat.

The little girl stopped in her tracks, frowns and turned to him. Her big eyes searched his face, she obviously could feel how bad he was. She tugged at his arm making him bend a little on her, never letting go of his hand.

“You stay silent” she whispered close to his ear. “You never leave my side, I know the way…”

It somehow helped. 

He had no idea who she was, but what was sure was that this tiny lovely ghost knew what she was doing.

They kept walking and he started focusing on her, and only her, forgetting the arms trying to reach them and this horrible smell of sulfur, forgetting the burning hot and the freezing cold…

The way she moved was totally amazing, fast like a rabbit then careful and slow like a hunting cat, stopping to hide behind a column before a demon even showed up, like she knew Hell’s clockwork perfectly. And it calmed Dean a little : watching her move was like watching a dance.

After long minutes avoiding many dangers, they entered a very long corridor with no doors but an incredible cathedral ceiling. Dean didn’t think he would see anything like this in Hell, anything somehow beautiful… But his Firefly was really like a beacon in the eternal night. 

“No demon” he whispered.

“No…” her little voice answered, echoing on every tall walls. “This place is empty and useless, they say.”

“Useless…” he repeated, not really understanding.

At the end of the corridor, a huge door appeared, high like a house, thousands of symbols carved on it, and two huge marble gargoyles guarding it.

“They lost the key” she whispered even lower, guiding him to the door.

“What is on the other side ?” he asked, his breathing short with a mix of fear and hope.

She stopped, and suddenly let go of his hand to plunged her small fingers in the hole where the head of her teddy bear should be. She bit her lip in concentration, searching in the foam.

A little smile appeared on her face, and she started pulling at something. 

A key.

She took it out cautiously, blowing on it a little to take off the foam dust stuck on the weird yet beautiful key. It was way too small for the giant door, and yet, she got on her tiptoes to reach the little lock he hadn’t notice.

The little girl looked behind her a last time before she made one of the huge parts of the carved door move open. 

“Come” she said.

Carefully, he slipped inside the room and his breathing got stuck in his lungs while she slowly closed the door behind her. 

The room had no ceiling. It was made of four black walls that Dean wasn’t even sure were there because of how dark it was. And above them… The sky.

The shadows of trees and and leafs in the night and between them : the stars. Exactly like he remembered it. It must have been a peaceful night of summer, because the temperature was perfect, no burning hot and no painful cold… Just a soft breeze was gently caressing his skin and he could have swore he could distinguish the thousand characteristic smells of nature, of a forest.

A tear rolled down his face, falling in his ear as his chin was up, eyes glued to the sky, the stars and the moon.

It was like the room was both in that forest and out of it, or under it, like his Firefly and him were in the bottom of a well, open on the universe.

He felt her hand wrap around his wrist and turned to her for a second. She was as fascinated as him, her big wet eyes reflecting the moon, and her hand shaking a little.

“What is this place ?” he asked, but she only shrugged, never looking away from the crescent moon. “That’s where you saw the sky, Firefly” he understood.

She nodded.

They stood here, close to each other, her small hands holding his wrist on her right and the key on the left. Tears rolling down his face, and shaking his chest in silent. Not another word was said.

After a moment, she slightly tugged at his arm, and his heart sank. How could he go back to torture now ? How cruel was it ? But he couldn’t let her get in trouble, and maybe… just maybe one day she could take him here again.

He wiped his tears and followed her without a word. The second she closed the door behind them, the harassing heat was back, and the dreadful smell was the only thing surrounding them again.

She closed the door behind her and hid the key back in her teddy bear, making sure it was on the bottom of it. Before she could start to walk back to the horror of his cell, he turned her small body to him, and sink on his knees to hold her. 

“Thank you” he breathed out. “Thank you so much.”

Her skin was cool despite the suffocating heat, like it didn’t affect her at all, and no sweat was on her soft arms or back. 

She hugged him back hesitantly, wrapping her hands around his neck, and he felt her nose shyly closer to his skin, like she needed to know how his skin smelled.

He let go before her, and get up on his feet, murmuring something about going back. She took his index finger and led him like she did on their way here. 

Dean was lost in his thoughts. About life, about Earth, about the sky and the stars, memories of not appreciating it enough, of that time he told Cassie that just watching the sky was boring…

That’s why he didn’t feel her finger let go of him in an instant. 

“Dean winchester !” a horrible demon voice groaned. 

He looked up and started shaking. The beast was wearing it’s real form, twice taller than him, with horns coming out where his eyes should have been, and extremely long claws at the end of his too big fingers.

“How did you get out !” the demon half yelled.

Dean looked around : Nothing. No clue of his Firefly presence, or that she even was there once. 

And while the beast was dragging him by the arm harshly, he wondered if it was possible that his mind was beginning to make things up... 

            Alastair was furious, even angrier than he ever was. Hitting his face again, he kept asking :

“How did you get OUT ?”

But Dean didn’t open his mouth, not once.

When that demon that had found him entered, holding the little girl by the neck, Dean had two really strong contrary feelings at once : The infinite joy of now being sure he didn’t dreamed that, and the devastating pain of seeing her struggling against that giant monster. 

“Boss, we found her hiding. You think she might have helped him ?” the demon said, making the walls tremble.

“Oh yes she might, I’m pretty sure she did…” his torturer answered with a wicked smile. 

Y/n’s pov 

The demon dropped her to the floor of the cell. 

“Oh girlie, you are in so much trouble now.” 

She saw Dean cowered against the wall, already bruised and bleeding. Arms wrapped around his body to protect himself.

He tsked his lips in a way only he could, making her shiver, and hold on to her broken toy.

“Leaving your room AND taking my pet,” an eerie grin showed his yellow teeth, “You’re in for it now.” He motioned with his two fingers to the demon to handle Dean.

She couldn’t let that happen, it was her fault, Dean shouldn’t pay the price for her disobedience. She ran to stand in front of Dean.

“No.” She said, looking up at the monster, challenging him.

 He laughed at her and she clenched her little fists and planted her feet. She knew she couldn’t stop the torture, but right now, she couldn’t let it happen. The smell of his neck still clear in her mind, the sight of his happy tears falling on his face…

“You’re gonna stop me, child ?” he bent, to face her, his long sharp teeth inching towards her face. 

She held her head high, looking him in his black eyes with rage and took a step forward, the demon moving backwards. Her breathing got faster and she felt her anger burn her skin. 

He looked down at his feet apparently surprised that with every step she took, he moved more backwards, his long nails scraping over the floor, leaving deep crescents behind. He reached his arms towards her but he couldn’t reach her, like there was an invisible wall between them. 

Waves and waves of fury pulsated through her, making her feel tall for once, making her feel strong… 

“I-Impossible” he gasped.

Her grin grew wider, her hair started floating around her again. 

But it didn’t last... 

A immense power violently slammed her back into the wall as Alastair stepped forward. She fought back the best she could but he didn’t even break a sweat.

“You’ll need a whole lot more juice to over power me, girlie.” 

He stood straight before her. His power crushing her, her breath cut short. His grin made her feel sick as his eyes travelled over her with contempt. 

Her eyes widened when he grabbed her bear clutched tight in her hand from her.

“NO !” she yelled.

Her arms fought his power, reaching out for him, but with the flick of his wrist she was pinned against the wall once again. She was fighting him with everything she got. Eyes a flare, vibrating from the power inside of her. 

She could see Dean in the corner of her eye, he looked… scared. Was it of her ?

“You disobey, you pay.” Alastair said as he held Mister Teddy Bear, his eyes turning white as he set the bear on fire.

“N-No…” tears rolled down her face. 

Her stuffed friend was the only thing that fought her loneliness, her only true friend, they had been through so much together.

As she started sobbing, seeing the quick fire of Hell turning Mister Teddy Bear to ashes in seconds, she felt her heart sink in her stomach. Her nights would be so much lonelier now with no one to hold. But her days too, everything would be empty. 

The light in her eyes died down as did the flame. Mister Teddy Bear, reduced to a pathetic heap of dust…

“Stop crying, you’re nine years old, that’s too old to have a toy.” 

Alistair patted his hands together to get rid of the black ash. But in his hands was not only ash. Shining on the floor, a little reddened by the flame : The key. His eyes widened.

“Where did you get this?!” His hand grabbed her by the throat, his power pushed down on her, making the wall behind her crack under it’s force. “WHERE ?”

“L-let her go” Dean coughed, his breathing short, but Alastair ignored him, and the other demon stepped on his chest.

She kept her mouth shut. She had snatched it off of Crowley one day when he had pissed her off, hoping it was a key to one of her chains. But it didn’t fit… 

It looked different from a normal key. It was gold, a circle with a hook on top of it and three long teeth that looked it would never fit in any lock. But if Crowley kept it, it had to be important. So she tried every lock of Hell. 

“You STUPID girl, you just earned yourself an eternity of chains and horror” he sneered at her.

“It already is my life” her tears had stopped by now. 

This key seemed like a big deal, Alistair was not one to lose his temper so easily. He put it in his pocket. Turned his head toward the beast crushing Dean’s ribs with his weight.

“Take Dean to my room, it will be one Hell of a session” he winked towards the bloody man struggling to breathe, toying with his prey, as the demon dragged him out.

Y/n didn’t wave this time, her eyes fixed on the pile of ash on the floor.

“And you” he fisted her hair, making her look up at him. “Let’s give you a taste of real Hell.”

 ___________________________

               She walked carefully in the corridor, holding her long, puffed-out muslin dress up to keep it away from the blood and dirt. 

The cold air was biting her wide cleavage, upper back and neck because her hair was held in that tight bun. She could feel the freezing gold at her wrists and neck, and hanging from her hair. Her shoes were tight and high, she hated them.

Her steps resonated against the stone walls, but she knew no demon would be around.

She needed to see him, just once, since they had played with her like a doll since this morning, and she didn’t have a second for herself.

When she pushed the door, he was held by chains again, but whole, curled up in the corner, his clothes seemed to have been mostly burned, and a heavy smell of smoke was making the air barely breathable. 

“Dean” she said.

He looked up and his face lit up, his widened eyes reflecting her fancy appearance. 

“You look like a princess” he groaned with a voice still croaky.

“You won’t see Alastair tonight” she assured him.

“Is there a party ?” he scoffed, visibly bitter like he somedays were. “Have fun.”

“No one will visit tonight Dean” she repeated again, not knowing what she could add to that.

Then she turned around in a light sigh. He had every reason in the world to be that bitter, there was nothing more to say. But the second she was going to pass the door, he spoke again :

“Don’t let them hurt you, Firefly. You fight back if they touch you…” he cleared his throat. “You look amazing.”

  She entered the ballroom with that indifferent pout on her face she kept there all the time lately. Her sad feature hidden behind that disillusioned mask she wore every single day.

The room looked like the throne room of a rich castle, and all the demons were hiding their vileness in human bodies, dressed fancy, with smiles on their faces. But they didn’t fooled her. 

They stepped aside to let her enter, turning toward her in whispers. She walked in, her back straight, her hate making her back shiver under the noble lace.

“There she is” a voice came from the crowd.

And the first demon of all, in the body of a tall blond lady appeared, she was the only one wearing a dress more sophisticated than her own. 

“Lilith” Y/n curtsied slightly, clenching her jaw.  

The demon took her face brutally in her hand to look at it with contempt and nodded slightly.

“Maybe you’re right, Crowley” she admitted, letting go of her face and turning her back on her. “Maybe your accidental offspring could be a bride or a toy for our Lord when he rises.” she turned to Y/n again to look one last time from head to toe, and muttered low. “But I’m glad I won’t be here to see that.”  

When Y/n turned to walk far from that evil shrew, she came face to face with Alastair, and goosebumped appeared on her skin.

“Happy twelfth birthday, Girly” he smiled and she swallowed the angry lump in the throat.

“Y/n !” Crowley called, probably trying to get her away from his own enemies like he always did, not to protect her, but to avoid the humiliation of seeing the Ace in his hand being despised by anyone stronger than him.

She turned to him, but felt Alastair’s hand grasp her wrist harshly. He bent next to her ear and she could smell his fetid breath.

“I hope you die.”

Next Chapter on @roonyxx​‘s blog

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[beneaththemasks]

Beast, Fifteen, Dead Apple and Fyodor´s ability put togheter

The first time I watched Bungou I didn't pay much attention to be honest and that lead me to committing a big mistake and that big mistake is what brings me here today.

This is a theory I´ve been working on for a long time now.

Before anything else I have to tell you that this is something I came up with entirely by myself, I don´t know if anyone has already written something similar to this, so any similitude is pure coincidence.

DISCLAIMER: this contains spoilers from the manga and light novels and is quite long, so read at your own risk.

Any hateful comment will be simply ignored, this is just something I'm sharing with you because it makes sense to me and I want to know what you think.

Please excuse my english if it gets bad at times since it isn't my first language.

Let´s begin:

I´ll start talking to you about some guy named “Randou” who was presented in the light novel ''Fifteen” as the responsible for the mafia´s predecessor return and the Arahabaki incident.

For those of you who don´t remember him, here´s a picture.

Ok so, you might wonder why I'm bringing him up.

If he was supposed to be a forgettable face from the beginning, another extra character in the story, then why didn´t I forget him? Why do I mention him before anything?

The answer is simple: I can forget a face I´ve seen once or twice but not one I´ve seen thrice.

“What do you mean? we only saw the man one time” 

You´re totally right, however that wasn´t the case for me.

Confusing his face was the big mistake I made and the one that lead me to building this net of theories and clues that I'm putting together right here right now:

Even though the first time we see Fyodor´s face is at the ending of the second season and then again in Dead Apple, I remind you that I wasn't paying attention at all (like literally guys I already told you about how I would call tachihara “bad tanizaki” just because they looked the same to me). Due to my lack of attention, after finishing the “cannibalism” arc. and becoming more familiar with Fyodor´s face it occurred to me that he was the same guy involved in the arahabaki incident.

Why? because I can so I did.

My brain automatically assumed these guys were the same person just because they were dressed as if they were going to sleep on the top of the Everest for a whole month and because their faces were equally sad...

Of course, when I finished the anime and started reading the manga I was totally confused when Dazai asked Fyodor what his ability was, since I thought him and Randou were the same person, therefore I thought they shared ability.

After that I had to rewatch the whole anime and then realized how high I was when I watched it the first time.

But even when I managed to get the whole story right I still couldn't stop thinking about Randou, he was still a mystery, but more than the man himself, his story and the order in which they were presented by Kafka were somehow strange.

So after reading “Beast'' I came up with a few theories about the book being canonically in that alternate universe, because for me, even if Beast was supposed to be just a spin off written to promote the release of Dead Apple, it couldn´t be that and only that.

I just can´t accept  that “Kafka wrote a 200-page novel to promote a movie that had nothing to do with it when he was asked to just write a 50-page short story” because he just felt like doing it. I knew from the deep bottom of my heart that he was not the kind to write just for fanservice.

So I came up with this idea: “What if the release of Beast and fifteen are more important than we think?”

Despite the first time we see fyodor´s face being at the end of the second season, the first time we see him meeting Dazai, is during dead apple. However, he seems to be just an extra character, someone who doesn't seem to add much to the story at first sight (except for when he turns Shibusawa into a big dragon).

But if we think about it, the same happens with the mentioning of the book in “Beast” and with Randou´s appearance in “Fifteen”.

In these three stories, the book, Randou and Fyodor are like an app running in the background of your cell phone, they are responsible for some kind of event and or incident that we cannot see now but that eventually will go out to light.

These are all very small hints, but that's why it is important, the smaller the better.

We can´t forget that Kafka has always been a mastermind of hiding evidence in plain sight.

He wrote and published 3 stories at the same time  that have nothing in common and then used them to promote each other. He decided not to wait any longer nor release them earlier because they´re relevant to each other even when they don't seem to be. They are like a building in the middle of the city, we see it but we never get the chance to observe it because of all that's happening around it.

But as far as we know Randou dies at the end of fifteen. How could he possibly be related to Fyodor if they never met?

The importance here is not his death or them meeting, maybe not even Randou himself but what happened before his entrance to the PM and after his death.

As far as we know, Randou used to be an european spy tasked to investigate a powerful entity of power in japan and sent to steal it. However, during that mission he was betrayed by his friend who tried to kill him but is Randou who ended up killing him instead.

Nevertheless, in the story we never get to know why his friend betrayed him nor what is that so called “source of energy” that the japanese government has been secretly guarding.

we 

never

know

until now (?)

Towards the end:

What if that “source'' is actually the book itself and his friend tried to kill him to keep it for himself and escape with it? 

Even more important:

What if Randou, after killing his friend, decides to steal the book but forgets about it and it´s power after losing his memory in the Arahabaki incident? 

These explanations can perfectly fill a void we never even noticed was there: Randou dies without remembering that he has a very important item with him, which is the reason for which he was once chased by the GSS (an agrupation that is connected to the Guild who we already know was searching for the book as well) and the same Dazai could have stolen after the Port Mafia kept his belongings when he died.

Please please pleaaaaaaseeee finish the idea.

After writing for 2 days, tying knots and untying them, reading and rereading, remembering details and searching for others i couldn't remember, this is my final conclusion:

 Fyodor´s ability could be nothing more and nothing less than the book itself.

The proof of that being:

-All we know is his ability “Crime and Punishment” is presented as a perfect complement to one another. When he explains why Sibusawa´s mist didn't affect him he says “it´s because crime and punishment are good friends” which can mean that for one to appear, the other has to do something, that is to say, he has to commit a crime to receive punishment.

-We can assume that as someone whose objective is to free everyone from the sense of morality (as Gogol explains) he's the one to decide whether he commits a crime that deserves punishment or better said, his ability “the book” that can only function following the rules of karma.

 -He probably doesn't need to communicate with the outside at all and is trying to deceive Dazai since the plot is going according to his plans and to how he planned to write the story on that single page.

-We know he has a page since the beginning and he also knows everything that´s written on it (for example that sigma´s existence was written on it 3 years before) but it's never mentioned how he got it.

-He literally joined the Guild to search for that book (´cause it belongs to him).

-Despite everything, Dazai is not worried about his plans either (he says all he has to do is observe him) because he's confident that everything is gonna turn out in his favour (you can see the little bitch didn't mind sending Akutagawa to his own death) since he stole the book from Randou long ago.

-What Dazai could've done with the book is nothing more and nothing less than creating the “Beast”  universe after leaving the PM just to give Oda a proper farewell and because since he discovered the real power of that book he decided the best was to hide it.

However none of them can reveal any of this for obvious reasons.

Well I´ve nothing more to say, this is all I have for the moment.

 I know some of these ideas sound very complicated and even excessive, however in the end everything fitted perfectly to me (and I swear I came up with 3 different theories before putting this one together).

If you managed to read this far, thank you very much :,)

If you feel like commenting something feel free to do so :)

[aspoonofsugar]

More specific questions on your last analysis of Azula as character: you mentioned at the end she shown the potential to grow into a better person but that possibility was not explored, can you please share your take or theory on how to make that happen and what the kind of person she would be if developed properly?

Hello anon!

We have one of the show writers’ thoughts on the matter here.

I think his description of a positive development for Azula fits with what has been established about her in the series.

As I have written in the post, I think that Azula’s main flaw is “control”, which manifests itself in two distinctive ways. First of all she tries to manipulate others. Secondly she tries to suffocate her own feelings. Because of this, she would need to go through a character arc which challenges this flaw, so that she can correct it.

Let’s highlight that this is also what happens in ATLA, but there Azula is not able to overcome said flaw, so she has a tragic arc. As a matter of fact (generally speaking) the difference between a positive character arc and a negative one is that in the latter the character fails to change in time. However, true tragedy (imo) is reached through making clear the character could actually positively develop, but is still not able to for several reasons. And this is what happens with Azula imo.

In particular, this is made clear for me in Azula’s conversation with her “mother”:

Azula: All right hair, it's time to face your doom.

Ursa: What a shame. You always had such beautiful hair.

Azula: What are you doing here?

Ursa: I didn't want to miss my own daughter's coronation.

Azula: Don't pretend to act proud. I know what you really think of me. You think I'm a monster.

Ursa: I think you're confused. All your life, you've used fear to control people, like your friends Mai and Ty Lee.

Azula: But what choice do I have?! Trust is for fools! Fear is the only reliable way! [more quietly] Even you fear me.

Ursa: No. I love you, Azula. I do.

In this scene, Ursa is nothing more than the repressed parts of Azula. This is made clear both by the context (Azula is hallucinating) and by the symbolism used in the scene (Azula sees Ursa in the mirror while she is looking at herself and makes her disappear at the end of the scene by crashing the mirror). In particular, Ursa represents (in Azula’s mind) a different way to love and to be loved. After all, this is what their very short conversation is all about.

On one hand Ursa embodies Azula’s wish to be loved (No, I love you, Azula. I do). Azula deep down wishes to be loved by other people, but she does not let herself be vulnerable nor does she treat others well, so she can’t obtain what she really wants. Her feelings are so repressed that she actually hides what she wants even from herself. However, she can’t lie to herself forever and her most hidden desires resurface through her mother’s hallucination.

On the other hand Ursa directly calls out Azula’s behaviour ( All your life, you've used fear to control people, like your friends Mai and Ty Lee). This phrase alone suggests that Azula has some confused grasp that she has misbehaved. Or at least it says that she is conscious that the reason why her friends have left her is rooted in her behaviour.

In short, this scene conveys to me the idea that in Azula’s character the concepts of loving and being loved are strictly tangled. She needs to love just as much as she needs to be loved. So in order to progress she should face this aspect of herself. In a sense, she starts doing it at the end of ATLA when Ursa appears in front of her. However, even if she can finally see this side of who she is, she is still refusing it. This is why she fails to make progress in the end. In order to grow she must accept this part of herself.

Let’s also highlight that at the end of the series Azula is trying to change her approach to things, but she is doing so in the wrong way.

As @echo-from-the-void pointed out:

Azula’s initial and final looks are complete opposites. When she first appears she is so obsessed by symmetry and control that one lock of her is enough to make her angry. At the end of the series Azula herself cuts her hair, so that her appearance becomes asymmetric. Similarly, she has spent the majority of the series manipulating everyone, so that she could have at her disposal a vast group of followers. However, by the end she sends everyone away. In a sense, she goes from one extreme to the other and both extremes are bad.

That said, this shift in behaviour in itself means that by the end of the series Azula has started to face the turmoil inside herself. This in itself is progress even if the result is ugly.

After this long ramble, I will finally address your question. In order to change Azula needs two things.

a) Consequences for her actions and she has received them in the series itself.

b) Someone willing not to give up on her and to give her a second chance. This is the part that is not present in the series.

As a matter of fact Azula’s ideas about love and relationships are so confused that I doubt she could change on her own. In the post linked above, the implication is that Zuko would have helped Azula without giving up on her and I think this could have been a good idea to have Azula develop. After all, Azula and Zuko are two characters strongly linked to each other.

As far as how Azula’s redemption could have concretely happened, that would have depended on many factors like the plot itself. Does Azula still need to spiral more before she can finally be redeemed? Does she need to meet her mother again? Will Zuko be able to help Azula alone or there will be the need of her interacting with other characters? After all, Zuko did not change only because of Iroh, but also because he got to meet many different people while he was travelling. He was shown humanity and kindness by these people, so he stopped seeing them as enemies.

In short, the ways a redemption for Azula could have happened are many. I think her arc in season 3 could honestly be seen as the perfect start for such an arc. In that season Azula is strongly challenged and does actually change, even if the change is not positive. If the story had not reached its end in season 3, Azula’s spiral could have been resolved negatively or positively.

Thank you for the ask!

[fieryfantasybooklover]

My Little Warrior - Chapter 2 - Crushing Finality

Chapter 1

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

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@lily-chen-deserves-better @girlwhohatesstuff @zafirafox4636 @friendlyneighbourhoodreader @idontgetit-whydoihavetosaymyname @thatdemonicchild @rainbow-sheepofthefamily @themostawesomehuman @brotherlipsmackariahs

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Kit was bent over Ty, fingers flying delicately over the other boy’s ankle, examining it for damage or injury. Ty accepted the hand Kit offered him to sit up, not saying a word the entire time. “Oh my God Ty are you ok? What did you trip over? Can you walk?”

“Kit. I am fine, I just tripped. There will be no lasting damage.”

“Ok. Well at least let me help you walk. It’s not that much farther back to the Institute.” Ty begrudgingly allowed himself to lean on Kit as they trudged back toward the Institute. Kit’s every nerve was aflame and sparkling wherever Ty was touching him. Ty was smiling an unexplained soft smile, and the moment felt almost ethereal.

And it was at this very moment that an inhuman growl echoed through the night. It was a purely demonic growl, nothing human or even animal about it. It brought to life every fear lurking in one’s mind, hinting at shrieking spirits and running forever from a monster who would always catch you. It aired out all pain and horror you’d ever experienced, bringing them to life and making both so much worse. It was a growl that could incapacitate you from merely the overwhelming terror. Kit felt Ty trembling violently, so Kit scooped up Ty and started sprinting for the Institute, doing his best not to jostle Ty.

They reached the Institute safely, Kit panting and Ty pale as death. It wasn’t until Ty let out a piercing scream of pain that shook the night that both realized they hadn’t escaped unscathed. Ty was sobbing and grabbing at his ankle, white as a sheet and shaking. Ty moved Kit as gently and quickly as possible into the lights of the Institute, revealing a horrific sight. There was a massive welt on Ty’s ankle, glowing vibrant red and sending veins of pure inky blackness up Ty’s leg. Nearly fainting, Kit kept himself conscious through sheer force of will and desire to keep Ty safe. Scooping up Ty again, Kit sprinted into the Institute, yelling for help loud enough to bring the building down.

The next few hours past in a blur of distress and medicinal smells. Emma had awoken instantly at the sound of Kit’s yells, and immediately flew into action, waking up Julian. They sent a fire message to the Silent Brothers when initial Iratze’s and other methods of healing didn’t work. With each passing minute, Ty got worse and Kit sunk deeper into his own personal nightmare. It was made worse by the fact that he wasn’t allowed in the room with Ty, leading him to pace his room like a caged lion. Finally, Kit, ordered to bed by Julian and Emma, passed out from exhaustion. He didn’t know that when he woke up the next morning, the situation would be upgraded from horrible nightmare to personal hell.

Kit awoke the next morning, already feeling doom in the pit of his stomach. Whirlwinding around his room, he changed as quickly and flew down the stairs. The sight that greeted him in the kitchen sent Kit spiraling into a mental pit of worry and all other awful feelings. Julian and Emma were standing silently side by side, Julian holding Tavvy. Dru and Livvy were also standing there silently, grasping the other’s hand tightly. The Silent Brother that had answered the call stood off to the side of the group. “W-where’s Ty? Is he ok? What’s happening? Did you cure him?” Kit fell silent however, when the omnipresent voice of the Silent Brother echoed through his mind.

“Tiberius Blackthorn has been inflicted with a particularly insidious type of demon poison. We of the Silent City have never seen this type of poison before, and therefore we have no cure. Over the course of the night, I tried every type of remedy that came to my mind. However, nothing worked and the darkness continued to spread. It is likely that this is a particular demon that was summoned from the Void and escaped from its summoner.” Kit felt a horrible numbness begin to spread through him, cutting off all emotions and filling him with a feeling of being burned alive and freezing to death at the same time. “But Ty didn’t feel it at first. It took a few minutes for him to notice it-” Once again, the Silent Brother cut him off.

“After analyzing this poison as much as possible, I have determined that it was injected by way of stinger, which is most likely coated in some sort of numbing liquid. This makes it that prey aren’t aware of the danger until it is too late.” The Silent Brother paused, seeming to prepare himself for what he had to say next. “Due to the novel nature of this demon and its poison, it is unlikely that we will be able to find an antidote. Tiberius is currently resting, but will awake soon. The poison is quick spreading and lethal. Once it reaches his brain he will be gone.I suggest you make your arrangements now. Tiberius doesn’t have long to live.”

Kit felt the world warp and recede, everything he never thought would happen crashing down on him with horrible finality. Darkness roared and shadows screamed as Kit shook his head, whispering frantically “No no no no no no no no it’s not possible that can’t be no no no noooo.” Emma made to move towards him, but Kit turned away and took off running, out the Institute and into the blazing sun. Ignoring Emma’s frantic yells telling him that it wasn’t safe, that could he please just come back. Only one thought filled Kit’s mind at that moment, that one damned thought condemning his beautiful Ty Blackthorn to death.

“Well then. If that’s the case, I don’t care what happens to me now.” Kit stated with heartbreaking apathy. “I can’t and won’t live in a world without Ty.” Reaching the place they had heard the growl yesterday, Kit stretched allowed himself to fall to the ground. “Let it come for me.” Kit whispered, gazing into the evil eye of the sun. “Let it come for me.”

[homestuckexamination]

The format of that description looks to 100% like the real thing :O Did you spend a lot of time making it look as similar as possible, or is it part of a fan adventure or something like that? (Because I would totally want to read it if it was real)

I kinda wrote it on the spot back when I made it! She’s actually repurposed from an older OC of mine that I’m using for other things, so I had a solid idea about how she was already, and simply adapted it to an Alternian setting.

I HAVE considered making a Fanadventure in the past, but noooo way, I don’t have a team of people and it’d be way too much work for a side project X3. I would love to get involved in something big and Homestuck-y, but as a hobby, running four different blogs and doing art keeps me busy enough as is. Most of my OCs are either for Fun, or for planned Fan-Session RPs I’ve had with my friends, so there’s nothing really public around!

Also, I found my documents, so I now remember their Classpects and have all of their descriptions here!

Rhoxym - Seer of Doom

Jamita - Thief of Rage

Your name is JAMITASELKEE.

You think everyoneshould TAKE A STEP BACK and CHILL THE FUCK DOWN. Born as one of the rare JADECASTE, you have no shame in admitting your status as a RUNAWAY, and in fact,REVEL IN IT. You hold a PROFOUND BELIEF that everyone was put on this world fora purpose, and you are OUT TO FIND YOURS. Everything in nature, everything inlife, has a CONNECTION, a MEANING, and the more time you spend searching forthe MISSING PIECES IN YOUR LIFE, the more you have come to notice how ABSURDYOUR ENTIRE SOCIETY IS.

Everything from theCASTE SYSTEM to your SOCIETAL CONVENTIONS make absolutely no sense to you,which is why you’re lucky to be part of the ONLY CASTE IN YOUR SPECIES able towithstand the SEARING HEAT OF THE DAY, allowing to wander when NO ONE IS OUT TOFIND YOU. Furthermore, ever since your awakening as a RAINBOWDRINKER, you havehad no problems scaring away PROSECUTORS and even occasionally IMPERIAL DRONESthat wandered too close. You like trying to make others SEE THE WAY YOU DO,preferring REASON over VIOLENCE. However your INTENSE, OCCASIONAL THIRST FORBLOOD makes it hard to keep encounters CIVIL all the time. But that’s okay,your LUSUS helps you trap unsuspecting Trolls and Lusii for you to FEED ON. HerQUICK SANDS were the first thing that taught you patience and calm in diresituations, and for that you are EXTREMELY GRATEFUL TO HER, allowing her todevour the CARCASSES OF THE DECEASED, DRAINED BODIES YOU LEAVE BEHIND. LususCarcasses. Not Troll Carcasses, God dammit, you TRY TO NOT DRAIN THOSE OF YOURSPECIES COMPLETELY.

You are as much of aROOKIE PHILOSOPHER as you are a CONNOSIER OF FINE BLOODS, and without manymaterial possessions, some of your favorite past times involve HEATEDPOLITICAL, RELIGIOUS AND PHILOSOPHICAL DEBATES. These are the only times youtend to get CARRIED AWAY with more long winded messages and stronger emotionalresponses. You believe any ARGUMENT or GRUDGE can be solved with aHEART-TO-HEART, and often AUSPISTICE BETWEEN YOUR FRIENDS, even when they don’task for your help. SPECIALLY when they don’t ask for your help. You tend toKNOW BETTER than they do after all.

Your search for newENLIGHTENED HEIGHTS and your PURPOSE IN LIFE has led you to the occasionalconsumption of PSYCHOSOMATIC STIMULANTS, but with your lifestyle, it has becomeincreasingly difficult to find any of the GOOD STUFF around. You’re so closethough. You have been tracking your BLOODLINE for SWEEPS, and have spent DAYSIN DEEP MEDITATION over the plan PARADOX SPACE has for you, and you just FEELlike something is just about to UNLOCK YOUR CHAKRAS AT ANY MOMENT. But untilthen, you will just KICK BACK, RELAX and LET THE ECHOES OF NATURE FLOW THROUGHYOU.

Your username is transcendentMediator,and you kind of. don’t care about small talk. until you find something you careabout™.

Shikra - Bard of Doom

Your name is SHIKRAOMYINE and you have been VERY, VERY BAD.

Those of your blood,at the bottom of the HEMOSPECTRUM, are often treated with disrespect, and madeto face all sorts of ABUSE AND HUMILIATIONS, but out of all rustbloods you’repossibly the one with the MOST ROTTEN LUCK out there. You must have really donesomething extremely wrong in a past life, because KARMA is always a BITCH whenit comes to you.

As such, you’ve oftentried to SEEK REPENTANCE in order to sate the FORCES OF FATE ATTEMPTING TO DICKWITH YOU. And somehow, every single time, it BACKFIRES TREMENDOUSLY. But it’sokay. You’ve gotten USED TO IT with time. You have learned well that fate issomething you can’t stop. That NO ONE CAN STOP. Karmic destinies,predestination, they’re shackles tying civilization down, leading it down thepath of inevitability, and you’re pretty much just ALONG FOR THE RIDE ASEVERYTHING BURNS AROUND YOU.

You have NOCONVICTION when it comes to fighting fate, but if you believe it to be yourdestiny to do something, or see someone resisting their own fate, you will GOFUCKING NUTS and PUSH THEM THE WAY THEY ARE MEANT TO GO, no matter what thatfate of theirs may be.

Your room is aCOMPLETE AND UTTER MESS, you don’t remember the LAST TIME YOU CLEANED IT UP,but then again you also barely remember the LAST TIME YOU TOOK A SHOWER. Whybother after all? Everything is going to end up the same way in the end.

While some may callyour outlook on life FATALISTIC and OUTRIGHT WRONG, you have been using thisdemeanor of yours to HELP OTHER LOWBLOODS, specially other rusties, to ACCEPTTHEIR ULTIMATE FATE. You have held several congregations in your hive for thosewho have given up, and HELPED SPEED UP THEIR DEMISE. It feels good relievingsomeone of their SUFFERING.

…

Yeah.

You may be a bit of aFUCKING PSYCHOPATH.

Your username isominousEntropy, and you come across… as somewhat manipulative at times… haha…?;)

Tiamat - Page of Breath

Your name is TIAMAT SAAVAN, and you can’t remember the last time you TOOK AN ABLUTION. 

Not that there’s anyone around to MAKE YOU DO IT- And even if they were, what COULD they do about it? You’re probably one of the BIGGEST TROLLS YOUR AGE in just about every way, from the IMMENSE MANE that rivals that of HER IMPERIOUS CONDESCENSION’S, to your POWERFUL LEGS, which you have cracked QUITE A FEW LUSUS SKULLS with. You like HUNTING PREY, but if there’s anything better than that, it has to be MESSING WITH IT FIRST. OTHER TROLLS make particularly fun targets, when they find a SEEMINGLY LOST GIRL, alone in the JUNGLE. You get FREEBIES by TAGGING ALONG with them, but occasionally, you have also DRAGGED THEM BACK TO YOUR HIVE or ATTACKED THEM depending on the circumstances.

The area you live in is YOUR TERRITORY, which you inherited from your CHOLERBEAR LUSUS when you BESTED HER IN WILD, FERAL COMBAT. She was an overbearing burden either way, but taking your ONLY PARENTAL FIGURE so early in life, and in such an isolated location, had… CONSEQUENCES. DRONES don’t patrol this far into the Jungle, which also means you’ve spent a good chunk of your life ISOLATED FROM CIVILIZATION. Your Hive isn’t even in Imperial Records, having been CARVED through the years from a FALLEN, ANCIENT TREE, first by your Lusus and then by you. You have NO EXPERIENCE with social interactions, and yet, ironically, because of this, you possess a MATERNAL, NURTURING INSTINCT practically UNSEEN in most of Trollkind.

It was only last sweep that you got your hands on a PALMHUSK from one of the Trolls wandering too far into the woods. TURNING A NEW PAGE in your life, realizing that there’s more to the world than you thought it was, you’ve been… Trying to make friends. But sometimes you just need to STEP BACK and CATCH YOUR BREATH before you burn yourself out. 

Your trolltag is untamedPersuasion, and you. not really good. with big words yet. :( but you. try. :3

Lilith - Lord of Void

Your name is. 

Your name- 

… 

You have some PROBLEMS. 

Your name is LILITH MIRREA and you’re a completely AVERAGE TEALBLOOD.

You cannot exactly RECALL how most of your LAST WEEK has gone, or your ENTIRE LIFE for that matter. Everything BLURS together when you spend most of your waking hours in AUTOPILOT.

Your peers know you as an EXEMPLARY LEGISLACERATOR IN TRAINING. You have been STUDYING ALTERNIAN LAW from a young age, got yourself a NICE HIVE for you and your BLIND ANACONDA MOM, and proceeded to… Wait.

And wait.

And wait.

Night after night, you READ ALTERNIAN LAW. You TALK TO YOUR PEERS. You present yourself as the PERFECT ALTERNIAN CITIZEN, PERFECTLY RUTHLESS when needed, PERFECTLY COMPLIANT when required, PERFECTLY AVERAGE, PERFECTLY FINE. 

PERFECTLY DEAD INSIDE. 

You swear hardly a SINGLE ACTION you’ve done in your life has been your own. You STRUGGLE ENORMOUSLY with concepts regarding IDENTIY and WORTH, in a world that has proven to encourage keeping this SOUL-CRUSHING DAY-TO-DAY of yours. You have NOTHING you care about. You have NO ONE you trust enough to TALK ABOUT THESE THINGS, and you lack any semblance of WILL or DRIVE to accomplish anything in your life.

So you just keep going. The PERFECT ALTERNIAN ROLE MODEL. You KEEP WAITING. So that maybe something will eventually FILL THIS VOID inside of you. But… GOOD LORD.

You don’t know how long you can keep this up.

Your trolltag is listlessConduit, And you really talk in a sort of disinterested manner because like I dont know I guess some conversations are okay from time to time maybe

[omg-imagine]

⊱ Don’t Doubt My Love ⊰

Pairing: Loki x Reader

Summary: During a visit to Asgard, you wonder if you’re good enough for Loki.

Words: 1,660

A/N: I’ve secretly grown an obsession with Thor and Loki over the past couple of weeks after watching Thor 1-3. As a result, this (along with a few others) happened. I’m kinda nervous since I haven’t written about Loki before, but I tried my best. As always, hope you enjoy! 

[Credit to the GIF owner]

It was already quite late when you decided to leave your room and go for a walk around the palace. No matter how hard you tried, sleep evaded you. You were restless; tossing and turning underneath the covers for so long that you eventually gave up. Slipping on your shoes and tying a silk robe around your waist, you headed out of the door.

The halls were empty, void of any maids or guards that were present earlier. It took some time searching for the grand balcony you had spotted in the morning. Once you finally reached it, you found yourself standing outside in the cool air, basking underneath the moonlight.

Asgard at night was so peaceful, so serene. The stars seemed to be more plentiful and a lot brighter here than the ones back on earth. 

When Loki had invited you to Thor’s coronation, you could not refuse. You were always looking forward to seeing Asgard for yourself after hearing the countless stories from him. He was gifted when it came to his words, but despite the way he described his home, it was not enough to capture the kingdom’s real beauty.

Hours have now passed since you last saw of Loki. He had been incredibly busy attending to his royal duties from the moment of his arrival, leaving you to settle down all by yourself. 

Thor was kind enough to carry your bags and escort you to his brother’s quarters where you would be staying for the duration of your trip. Afterwards, he gave you a grand tour of the palace, and when Loki still hadn’t shown up, you ate lunch with the blond prince.

Unfortunately, Thor had some business to take care of after you two finished your meal, and again you were left alone. You decided to stroll through the Queen’s gardens, viewing the exotic flowers in awe and enjoying the fresh air.

As you sat on a wooden bench with a book in hand, a young woman appeared before you dressed in an elegant garb, introducing herself as a member of the court.

At first, she seemed kind. You were having a lovely conversation with her when she suddenly asked what your intentions with Loki were. You stared at her, dumbfounded and taken aback by her intrusiveness. When you excused yourself, the woman pressed on, even after you refused to give her an answer.

“I must warn you,” she had stated firmly, “that raven-haired prince tires very easily. You do not know how many bodies he takes and how quickly they are disposed of once he’s got a taste of them. I’m not sure what he sees in you but do understand that you do not belong here in Asgard, nor with Loki. Soon, you’ll return to Midgard where you belong, and he will not remain by your side.”

Her taunting voice still echoed in your ears. The wind blew softly against your skin, and you felt a chill run down your back. You figured that your little exchange in the garden was the reason why you couldn’t sleep. 

Ashamed to admit it, you believed that there was some truth behind her words.

You began to wonder what Loki sees in you. She was right, you weren’t special by any means. You were a nobody living in a tiny, one-bedroom apartment and working a dead end job back on earth.

Your life was nothing comparable to Loki’s. The man was a prince, a literal god. One day, you’ll grow old, get sick, and die. As morbid of a fact that was, it was true. 

Loki deserved someone more than a mere mortal, someone more than you.

A tear escaped your eye, and you used the sleeve of your robe to wipe it away. This trip was certainly not going according to plan. You wanted to enjoy yourself, relax and spend time with Loki. 

Doubt clouded your mind as your insecurities overwhelmed you. You had even planned on telling Loki that you love him during this trip, but now you weren’t too sure. You had never had fallen in love so deeply and fast, and you were scared.

You wanted to run.

“I had a feeling I would find you here,” the sudden sound of Loki’s voice caught you by surprise, and you quickly turned around to see him standing right behind you. His hands were clasped behind his back as he approached you carefully. “What’s the matter?”

“Nothing,” you lied with a smile. “I just needed some air.”

Loki sighed as he rested a hand on your shoulder while you looked back out to the horizon. “I apologize for leaving you on your own today. There’s too much to do in preparation for the coronation in the upcoming days, and I needed to get those out of the way before we could...”

You nodded when Loki paused, but you weren’t listening. He took note of that, and he placed a hand underneath your jaw and gently turned your face towards his. “You have been crying.”

“Yeah,” you breathed out, realizing that there was no point in denying it.

“Why?” He asked, concerned. Loki had never seen you cry, and you hated that you were showing him how weak you were.

“I don’t think this…” You trailed off as you darted your eyes away from his blue-green ones. “I don’t think we are going to work out.”

“What do you mean?”

You bit your lip, trying to keep more tears at bay, before your mouth trembled open as you continued, “You could be with someone more, Loki. Someone worth your while. We’re two different beings from two different worlds. You’re going to realize that I’m not for you and I’d rather have you figure that out now than later.”

There was silence, and having said everything you could think of, you decided to leave Loki with his own thoughts. You started walking back inside the palace when you felt his hand encircle your wrist, pulling you back and preventing you from escaping.

“Have you lost your mind?” You heard him ask, noticing both the anger and disappointment in his voice. “We have been together for almost five months. I know it isn’t a long time, but I thought our relationship was going great. What happened to make you think this way?”

You remained quiet as Loki’s hands came up to cup the sides of your face, his gaze boring into yours. You could see his tears forming and the pained expression he wore. He was hurting because of you.

“There was this woman,” you muttered in a hushed tone. “She told me that I didn’t belong here and that I didn’t deserve you.”

“And you believe her?”

Sniffling, you gave him a nod, and Loki let out a deep sigh. You glanced down to the ground, afraid to make eye contact with him.

“Darling, please look at me,” he requested, but you shook your head. Loki repeated again for a second time, and reluctantly, you finally did what he asked. Your heart ached at the sight of the sad smile on his face.

“Listen to my words, my sweet,” he began softly. “From the very beginning, you have accepted me for who I am. You chose not to fear the monster that I once was, but rather see me as the changed man that I had become. Meeting you has been the best thing that has ever happened, and I have grown to be a better person because of you. Darling, you are nothing like that woman, nor anyone else. You are strong, caring, beautiful, and unique, you are all I could ever want in a partner. You are not just what I deserve, but much more.”

“Loki…” you whispered his name, but his words had left you speechless. All you could do was lean forward and delicately place a kiss on his lips. 

Loki eagerly responded, his hands moving down to grasp you by the waist as you wrapped yours around his neck. When you pulled away, you swallowed the lump in your throat as you rest the palm of your hand on Loki’s chest, feeling his heartbeat flutter underneath it. 

“I’m so sorry. I didn't mean to doubt you–to doubt us.”

“It’s alright, dear,” Loki tenderly assured, bringing your hand up to his lips and sweetly kissing each fingertip before smiling down on you. “You had captured my heart and held it ever since the day we met. I love you, darling. Never doubt that.”

Warmth spread through your cheeks at Loki’s declaration. It was as if those three little words made all of your previous worries disappear, and you were left with a man who wanted you as much as you wanted him.

You were tired of running, you were tired of beating yourself down. Loki found you special, and you didn’t want to deny yourself happiness any longer.

“I love you too, Loki,” you returned with a widening grin.

“Come, it is getting late, and I plan on showing you more of Asgard tomorrow. Let’s get some rest,” Loki said, but you stayed put.

“Can we stay out here for just a bit more?”

“Of course,” he agreed. “Anything for you, my love.”

Loki buried his head in the crook of your neck as the two of you held each other close. It wasn’t long until he led you back into the bedroom and you slipped under the covers together. He took one of his arms and draped it across your waist, pulling your body flush against him. 

Just before exhaustion took you both, you felt Loki kiss the corner of your mouth and then murmuring once more about how much he loves you.

It didn’t matter to you if people thought you had no place in Asgard. What only mattered was that you were in the comfort and security of Loki’s arms, the one place where you knew you truly belonged.

[yourwakingnightmares]

Theo Raeken Character Study (Part 2): Theo and Tara

(Please be advised that, out of all these chapters, this will be the least canonically based, with the most amount of speculation and conjecture.)

Whatever else can be said about Theo Raeken, it can’t be argued that the moment he watched his sister die is easily the one that defines him the most; it was when he made a conscious choice to let his sister freeze to death, whether or not he understood the ramifications of that act (see Part 1 for more on that).

And yet, very few things I’ve seen actually look at the relationship between the two. I mean, I get it, there’s not a whole lot for us to work with; the scene of him on the bridge watching her, and what we see in the hospital being the only two time we see the two of them interact.

But, despite this, I think we can still make some conclusions of their relationship, based off of those two scenes, and based off of Theo himself.

(Please note: this post will be drawing heavily from the conclusions of Part 1. As well, canon seems to differ about whether Tara was younger, or older, with some sites/fans saying she was younger, and others saying she was older. I’m going with ‘older’ based off the fact that she looked to be at least prepubescent in the bridge scene, and 11-13 in the hospital scenes.)

Let’s start with the river and the bridge. How Theo ignores her pleading with him, calling his name. Theo never denies that he knew this would kill her -even when talking to Stiles, he never says, “I didn’t know!”, but rather, “I believed them when they told me she wanted me to have her heart.”

So, we could just chalk this up to Theo having a diminished empathetic response... But I believe there’s more to it than that.

If we run with the conclusions I made in the last post, we can start with assumption that, whether neglectful, or abusive, Theo’s early home life was fairly depressing, or emotionally unhealthy. So, we have two possible scenarios with Tara.

Either she was subjected to the neglect or abuse as well, or that she was exempt from it. 

Obviously, if she was exempt from the crap show that was Theo’s childhood, that’s a very simple explanation for why Theo was so willing to let her die; if he was emotionally neglected, or physically abused, and she wasn’t, that would make it incredibly easy for him to rationalize, or justify her death as it ‘being deserved’. Or, in simple terms... Theo had all the bad crap happen to him, now it was Tara’s turn.

But if she was right there alongside Theo as it happened, we would (typically) expect to see one of three things. Either she would become a ‘fellow survivor’ (someone who understood), she would gravitate towards the ‘protector’ role as the older sibling, or that the two would develop an antagonistic relationship, i.e., ‘it’s me or you, and it’s not gonna be me’ mentality.

Let’s take those three things in order, and determine which would be the most likely, given what we know.

Well, right off the bat, I would discount the first one. If Theo viewed his sister as a fellow survivor, someone who’d been beside him through all the bad, it would have been harder for him to watch her die, i.e., he would have identified with her too much to simply watch her die without doing anything.

The ‘Older Protector’ one could definitely hold water though, especially given what Theo says about believing the Doctors when they say Tara wants him to have her heart. If Tara was constantly stepping in to protect, or take care of, her little brother, to a child it would make sense to take that a step further. Why wouldn’t she want him to have her heart? She’s always taking care of him, so if she wanted him to have her heart, it’s plausible to him. But, given Theo’s relatively handicapped empathetic response, it would be difficult to explain this, as having someone who cared about him, who protected him, who took care of him, would have filled the need for an example for empathy, i.e., Tara would have filled the void of someone to teach him empathy, simply by taking care of him.

Which leaves the ‘dog eat dog world’ scenario as the most plausible of the three. They were simply two kids existing in the same hellhole, neither one with a normally developed sense of empathy. This would lead to neither of them having a healthy empathetic response, and -since Tara was the older sibling -could easily lead to her repeating, or mimicking the behavior of their parental figures, and bullying, ignoring, or abusing Theo. Similar to the theory of Tara being excluded from the abuse, this could easily allow Theo to rationalize her death as ‘it was you or me’.

Since two of our theories coincide, allowing for a similar thought process, let’s run with those two (which have the same end result: being able to easily justify Tara’s death, either out of revenge, or necessity).

Next, let’s examine the hospital scene. The scene where Tara rips Theo’s heart out, over and over again.

Firstly, let’s point out that, aside from the initial ‘it’s my dead sister’ response, Theo doesn’t really show any sort of surprise; after the initial moment of panic, he doesn’t hesitate to try and escape. He never tries to reason with her, never says anything like, ‘this isn’t you’, ‘what are you doing?’, nothing. The only thing he says initially is, ‘wait, Tara, don’t’.

If they had had a healthy relationship -or even a somewhat functional one -we would expect to see him horrified at what his sister is; horrified by the realization of what he’s done.

Or... reasoning with her in an attempt to get it stop. But out of all the times we see Theo get his heart ripped from his chest, not once does he attempt to negotiate, reason, or even really beg, aside from his ‘wait, don’t’ one time.

Is it because Theo knows that the real Tara wouldn’t give a damn about him pleading? That trying to bargain/negotiate/reason with her had never worked before? That begging never stopped her when she was alive, why would it when she was dead?

Even when Theo finally surrenders, telling her, ‘it’s okay. You don’t have to stop’, it’s not a guilty look on his face; it’s the look of an absolutely broken person. Granted, yes, having your dead sister rip your heart out repeatedly in a nightmarish hell that you can’t escape would break even the strongest person eventually, Theo doesn’t curl up in a ball and cry; he doesn’t say this while he’s at a door, trying to escape, as a realization.

No, he comes out of the morgue drawer, already expecting what’s coming; he slowly drags himself out, and doesn’t try to hide, fight, or run. He simply waits for her to come in, after pulling himself to his feet. He waits for her to show up, and then says, ‘it’s okay. You don’t have to stop’.

He never talked to her before, beyond one brief ‘wait don’t, stop’; why those words? Why ‘you don’t have to stop’ now? If it was simply guilt, we would have expected that reaction far sooner; we watch her rip his heart out at least a dozen times, and it’s implied that it happened dozens, or even hundreds of time before Liam sets him free.

Even more telling, he’s still not asking for her to stop; he’s accepted that it’s going to happen, and he’s simply giving her permission. Telling her that killing him -which she’s already done, painfully, dozens of time -is okay, and she can keep going.

Clearly this wasn’t reverse psychology (hoping that, by telling her she didn’t have to stop, it would make her stop), since he didn’t react when she tore his heart out again. In that moment, when he finally breaks, he doesn’t beg, or plead, or try to manipulate; he simply gives up, and let’s her do what she wants.

Tying this back into our original suppositions about why he was able to watch her die, we could very easily relate this behavior to the ‘it’s you or me’ mentality; simply put, Tara won, and Theo lost. In essence, Tara (’you’) came out on top, so Theo (’me’) simply gives up.

We could also stretch it to fit the theory that Tara was exempt from whatever Theo grew up with; essentially, the bad thing always happens to Theo in the end, this is simply how it’s supposed to be, or even that this is his ‘punishment’ for the bad thing finally happening to her.

As a final aside, before I end this, I want to briefly attach Theo’s interaction with Liam, during their fight against the Ghost Riders in the hospital. Liam tells Theo that, “I think whatever happened, you deserved it.”

Theo’s response is a tight smirk, as he says, “Oh, is that right?”

If we’re supposed to believe that Theo finally accepted that he deserved Tara ripping his heart out over and over again, that he acknowledged his guilt, why does he reject the idea only a few days after coming back? Clearly it’s not a rejection of empathy; one, he wouldn’t care what Liam thought of him, and two, it flies in the face of his actions from that point on.

Of course, this could simply mean that Theo’s saying, ‘no one deserves that’, but again... it flies in the face of his previous behavior; if he thought Tara was justified in ripping his heart out, that she had every right to torment him, then he can’t turn around and say he didn’t deserve it.

Anyways... Like I said, this is the most ‘subjective’ part of the character study, as there’s simply not enough material to come to solid conclusions using canon. So if you disagree, or think something different, let me know! I’d love to hear it!

Part 1 Theo’s Childhood

Part 3 Theo and the Dread Doctors

[doramachikku]

an uphill struggle, but maybe we can enjoy the journey

(Disclaimer: I’ve read the Four Noble Truths in high school in my Asian Literature class, not actually talked to a monk or joined a group.)

The First Noble Truth Buddha taught his followers is that “All existence is dukkha.” Dukkha is simply put, suffering. In short, the first Truth is that we have to accept that all life is suffering. 

The Second Noble Truth tells us that the cause of dukkha, or suffering, is craving or attachment, tanha. There are 3 kind of tanha, but the general sense I get it is that it is the craving/attachment itself that is the problem, that we have to satisfy those cravings to be happy. And then there it is now - the “I”. There is an “I” that needs to be indulged, to be taken care of, to satisfy, and therefore we crave, and with craving comes all the dark impulses inside us that causes harm to ourselves and to others. We are the very source of the unhappiness we wanted to end, of the darkness we wanted to get rid of, of the emptiness we need to fill.

The Third Noble Truth states that to end suffering, we must also end our desires, and this process is known as nirodha. We have to stop feeding the “I” in order to achieve true happiness and contentment. We have to stop referencing everything to our own self; we have to detach ourselves from our own selves.   

The Fourth Noble Truth, Buddha stated, is that to be able to end our craving, and thus end our suffering, is to follow the Noble Eightfold Path - eight principles of practice and discipline that strike a balance between severe indulgence and severe ascetism, and a practical guideline to life. 

Life is a struggle. From birth to death, we are all plagued with suffering, and it would seem as if we were born to struggle and fight for all of our entirely short lives. Everything and everyone would be against us. We experience all sorts of problems in all aspects of our lives, varying from degree and kind. No one is born happy and content, and remain that way for their entire life. 

And I always have mixed feelings to hear people who have decided to stop living, to seemingly give up the fight, for reasons we probably can never understand. I admit to not understanding why people do this. There are people who struggle with all of their might, who endure everything, in order to survive, and there are those who choose to escape. Some would say that the second is a defeatist attitude, that there are many problems with greater magntitude. I would find myself wondering, after hearing stories of people who chose to take their own lives, why did that happen, while there are people in the world who are oppressed by famine, war, violence and poverty, and yet choose to survive? How do you measure which suffering is greater? Should there be even a comparison? 

I’ve listened and saw different points of view. Some would say that to take one’s life is an escape, a rest, and unless you were in that dark place yourself, you can never know. Some would say that people who took their own lives felt that the world would continue to exist even without them. But some would argue that that kind of thinking is dangerously narcissistic and selfish, because one tends to draw the negativity deeply towards the self. Some would say that it would be insulting to those who have lost everything to natural disasters, to accidents, to violent crimes, to wars, to poverty, to famine - the people who one would expect to simply give up - and yet have continued to struggle and live. 

Maybe I would never understand. Maybe I don’t understand because I’ve never been to a dark place. But what is that “dark place”, anyway? Is that the void inside us that feels cold and indifferent, that made us feel that nothing can be done, that we should just give in to the nothingness so we can finally be free? Because if it is, I may have gone to that place many times. Not many people know that I thought of death many times, and I choose not to tell. I have experienced, as a young child, of the terror of bullying for what seemed to be a long time, and let me just say, though I may have seemed to have overcome it, there were times back then when I thought of simply just going away where no one can find me because I was so scared, and simply because my own family would never understand even if I tell them. How many times did I pray for God to take me away because anyway, who would care if I’m gone? Because of different instances of rejection, my insecurity has sunk to deeper levels, and the only way I can survive is to wear a mask of indifference and careless joviality. I always have to remind myself to never, ever, ever cry or break down in front of people because it would further diminish my worth as a person. A sense of breezy bravado and my fear of showing vulnerability were like sharp daggers constantly (and painfully) scratching me every hour and every single day as a reminder to never let the mask down, to never show weakness. I could never share this story to anyone, not even my family, because I know there will be judgment, and it is true! My fear of heights and my fear of deep water, which are manifestations of my fear of a loss of security, were laughed at by my own father recently, and I felt that even my siblings were impatient with me. Others also laughed or were dismissive. I cried in public because of those fears, and yet all I felt was that in the end, nobody understood. Nobody understood, and I was shamed for revealing that weakness. I was compared to other people, and those comparisons made me feel even more insignificant and worthless, and I felt even lesser of a person than I am. I could now drown in my own insecurities. So yes, maybe I have been into that dark place. Writing about those fears right now made me remember the shame and disappointment in myself, and I feel like I’m tying even more concrete bricks to my legs and further drowning in my fears, and that even that mask of uncaring and pretend strength and self-delusional pride was not even enough anymore to keep me afloat. The rejections I’ve received, and the many failures I experienced, and the verbal attacks which made me feel stupider and weaker, kept making things even more heavier. There’s also the insecurity about my physical appearance, which has also become a subject of insult and careless banter, even my own family does it to me. That’s why I always thought that maybe if I disappear one day, no one will come looking for me. So yes, maybe I have been to that dark place.

And I understand how life is a struggle. I understand when people say that they want to give up because they fail every time, because hey, they’re not the only ones. I understand that sense of relief that maybe if I go over and give in to that void, everything will end and I will be free.

But what brings me back to my senses, so to speak, despite those haunting thoughts and despite that want and desire to go to that “nothingness”, is strangely enough, my enemies who are also my friends - my own insecurity and the fear of vulnerability. “If I kill myself, what would people think about me?” “Would my family think worse of me than before?” “Would I get pity and sympathy?” “Would people understand?” And my own insecurity tells me that nothing will change, that I would be judged even by own family, that I would - wait for it - be seen as “weak”. And those fears, and the fear of not knowing what happens when you die, and the fear of inconveniencing others, all pull me back.

And then I remember that when I was bullied as a kid, I never told anyone, and I still went to school, facing my tormentors, and the shame of exposure to everyone, day after day after day, until I reached high school, when my tormentors were also my classmates, and until I reached college. I remember when, after I failed three major subjects in my first semester as a first year college student (a huge blow to my perceived pride) and deciding not to go home and maybe run into moving traffic, my mother ordered me to go home immediately and I obeyed her in shame. I remember reaching fifth year and not being able to graduate on time with my peers because of our stupid thesis. I remember crying in the bathroom during my first call as a technical support representative (my first job). I remember the constant haranguing of my students as I valiantly tried to teach them a foreign language. I remember how I was faulted for asking what I should have already known, and for not asking what I do not know (which they expect me to know already). I remember people being impatient and judgmental of my slow learning curve or of how I was not as smart as they expect me to be. I remember being kicked out of a prestigious law school, after taking the entrance exams twice, simply because of one subject. I remembered the humiliation of entering a somewhat dismissively second-rate law school, and how I still even fail subjects there. I remember how I was accused of “nepotism”, of getting a job everyone else wanted, of the resentment of why a stranger like me was chosen, when in fact that job was one of the most painful experiences of my adult life, and that I was offered that job (I didn’t ask for it, nor even the things that happened). I remembered the burning shame and humiliation, the resentment towards others, the crippling fear of disappointing others, and the pain of always being rejected for someone better. I remember those things, and I realized that I have endured so much and got this far for me to give in and give up. I remember the untimely death of a little girl who was sweet and smart, with whom I was distant when she was still alive, and the last thing I remember before she died was that I always, always got mad at her, and the guilt has been eating bits of my heart, that I wished I would never again experience that kind of loss which left a huge, irreparable hole in my heart, and therefore, I wish I would never have a child of my own who I fear I would lose someday in the most painful way possible.  

(The kid that was bullied? Well, she’s already a adult with a boyfriend who, despite her still believing that he might find someone better (it’s the insecurity again at work), sincerely tells her he loves her and that he understands, because he too knew the pain of being bullied and being rejected.) 

Every time I get to see that void again, inside my mind, I remember the pain and fear, and that someone really sees me and understands, and I step away, if only for that person who tells me that he loves me, and for the future that we are building together. Every time I come across to stepping over, I remember that I have gotten so far already, and that it’s annoying and tiring to give up. Every time I stumble and fall in the dark, I get up and then there’s light and the road is once again visible. Every time I want to be narcissistic and selfish and take my own life, I see in my own mind a little girl, and I find myself thinking of what might have been if she was still alive (she’s already a young lady, still smart and sweet, and she would have adored her little baby sister who’s a brat, and I would spoil her with eating out and shopping and even traveling, and I see myself teaching her more Japanese words than she learned before, until she’s fluent, and I see her with us during Christmas and huge family events).  

I have to admit that I have a bad time empathizing with people who have regular thoughts of gloom and ending their own lives. I am terrible at showing affection and being tactile. I often make jokes and flighty comments to distract instead of being sympathetic and comforting, and except romantic physicality, I am very much uncomfortable with embracing or even touching other people. I come across as very aggressive and controlling, and even preachy. I sometimes am self-absorbed. But this is how I cope. I easily break down, and I fear that if I break down, everyone will judge my incompetence, and I have to continue building and rebuilding a spine and stomach and heart of steel, and to learn how to be deaf and hard and uncaring in the weakest of moments. I have to constantly remind myself that I still have things I want to do, like travel and see the world, maybe have kids, have my own house and car, and be financially independent and secure. I want to see the peaceful, natural end of a well-lived life, because a well-lived life is the greatest revenge. I admire the poorest of the poor because they struggle so hard to exist, not only for themselves and for their families. I admire people who have lost everything, and yet still wants to live. I honestly pity those who take their own lives, and at the same time, shake them and yell at them for giving up when they have all the opportunities to seek help, when they have people who can listen to them, and when they have the luxury to dive into that void and think that the world can still go on without them, when other people are struggling with everything they have just to survive every single day and to ensure that the people they love survive as well.

And then, I realize that love, and its manifestations, must always be outwards. One should never hoard affection until it transforms to something darker and painful because you selfishly kept them locked up inside. To be able to never step into the void, we have to stop looking inwards and start looking at outwards, and to step into the shoes of other people. As the Third Noble Truth states, we have to stop giving in to our own desires and stop the tendency to divide everything as “I”/”myself” and “the rest of the world”. And the Noble Eightfold Path, which teaches us how to live life and keep things in balance so that we can never suffer either from too much indulgence or too much detachment (which are both unhelpful), and because we keep the balance, we can avoid thinking of ourselves too much, and learn to think of other people as well. And this is how we share positive energy and happiness, and divide the burdens of sadness and negativity.

We then need to stop thinking of two things: 1) that the world revolves around us, and/or 2) that the world can continue even without us. I have to agree with the belief that both of these ideas are narcissistic, egoistic and greedy. Both show the opposite sides of putting ourselves above everything and everyone else, to the point that we sometimes magnify too much our own sadness and suffering that we forget everyone else is in the same struggle as we are. We need to stop referencing “I” and instead reference “we”. We have to realize that we are not the center of the world, nor are we detached from it, but we are part of the world, and who we are and what we do impacts another person. This is why we must be considerate of others and be responsible for others. I know this may sound already preachy, but we actually affect other people. We are a part of this huge ecosystem, and strangely enough, we are not dispensable that we do not make an impact in another person’s life, nor are we indispensable that the world stops revolving if we cease to exist. The balance between taking care of our own self and finding our own happiness and taking care of others and helping them find their happiness must always, always be maintained.

And maybe, this is how we survive, avoid giving in to the void, and maybe find true happiness - by accepting that life is one great struggle because of our inability to see beyond ourselves, and we need to see beyond ourselves to continue to fight, and to walk with other people and share the burdens and the blessings. 

[enaasteria]

Answered Asks // 3

Consolidating asks as to not spam dashboards. Under the cut!

Anonymous said to enaasteria: March 29th 2018, 3:56:00 pm · 2 days ago wanted to drop by and let you know that i've been listening to 'Fool of Me' by Meshell Ndegeocello for more than a week and it reminds me so much of the heartbreaking moment in chapter 11 when Sehun made the decision to leave Ahri behind. imnotcryingyouare. i hope they become like the song 'Cheek to Cheek' (Louis Armstrong & Ella Fitzgerald version) *hinthintwaggleseyebrowswinkwink* hope you have a lovely day <3!

AHHHH REPLIES *-* <3!!! I accept the love you’ve bestowed upon me. I shall violently love you back *SHOOTSHEARTSATYOU* dont worry, I remember the what I wrote in the recs message! I was saying that I’ve been listening to this song ‘Fool of Me’ by Meshell Ndegeocello, which reminded me so much of the end of chapter 11 when Sehun decided to leave Ahri. The heartbreak is so real T_T imnotcryingyouare. I hope they end up being like ‘Cheek to Cheek’ (Ella Fitzgerald & Louis Armstrong version)! - ma

OMG SO APPARENTLY I DIDNT DELETE IT. This is how tumblr inept I am. I thought I did. It showed that I did when I was on the computer but apparently I didn’t on mobile. WEIRD. Listening to it now! 

Both of these songs sound so similar. I feel like I’ve heard them before omg. good recs. I really like them.

Fool of Me by Meshell Ndegeocell

Was I blind to the truth just there to fill the space... What kind of fool am I that you so easily set me aside OMG MY HEART IS BREAKING. Why do the lyrics fit so well. Right off with the first few lyrics. I’m crying. YES I AM CRYING. This was almost the same words she thought in the chapter. Was she there only to temporarily fill the void in Sehun’s heart when she felt it was for Jiyul instead. OH NOOOO.

I can't touch you no more Can't touch you any more any more And this relates to Chapter 12 a lot how she wouldn’t really look at him or touch him and this is so sad. THIS WHOLE SONG IS SO SAD but it’s so fitting to that part when he chose Jiyul over her and IT”S GOING INTO MY APT PLAYLIST.

Cheek to Cheek by Louis Armstrong & Ella Fitzgerald

THIS WHOLE SONG. Can I just say how cute it is??? This just makes me feel like I missed an opportune moment for Sehun and Ahri to dance together at the wedding??? I kind of made it so that it was Soi and Ahri dancing puahahahha. Technically, I should’ve made Sehun and Ahri dance because he tends to dance when he’s nervous about something.

Sooooo BOOOOO I MISSED THE MOMENT. BUT STILL. It’s ok hahahahah But really. This song. The beat. THE CHEEK TO CHEEK. More like forehead to forehead between the two leads. Thank you so much for the recs!!! I loved them so much and can’t wait to add them to my playlist!!

I read chapter 17 till half past 4 in the morning. I had to sleep because i needed to wake up at 9 for a gym session the next morning. But I have sleep problems so I kept waking up throughout the night and reaching for my phone to reread 17 in my sleep-induced haze and dozing off. I had to fake illness and reschedule my gym session in the end xD. I hope my trainer doesn’t see this. HAHAH even when I was half asleep, I kept thinking that I still had so much to tell you about 17!! - ma

OMG MA. WHY DID U STAY UP SO LATEEEE. NUUUUU. Also since your music anon and the abbrev is MA, I literally scream MAAAAA LOOOOL. AND OMGOSHHHH. Please rest. Please sleeeeeep. Your poor thing. i’m so sorry that the story kept waking you up. But I can’t wait to hear your thoughts and really thank you so much. I really can’t appreciate your messages enough. They make me so HAPPPPPYYYY //runs off screaming while drinking my coffeeeeeeeee//

@sehunsmile​ said to enaasteria: March 30th 2018, 11:42:00 pm · 9 hours ago ENA, ENAAAA!!!! I JUST GOT HOME AND I'M FINALLY GONNA READ CHAPTER 17. I'M SO NOT READY BUT I AM! I KNOW I'M GONNA DIE, I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS CHAPTER AND GOD CHAPTER 16 ENDED SO GOOD I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO EXPECT BUT I'M EXCITED SO I'M GONNA READ IT NOW! SORRY FOR ALL CAPS I'M JUST TOO EXCITED AHFNJABFKSBFLSKFJDKJDFK

YASSSSS. LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK OF IT AND I DONT MIND CAPS LOCK AT ALLLL. IT just shows me you’re really excited and I’m excited for you to read it. Many apologies for how long it took me to write it but I hope you enjoy it. AHHHH TY FOR LIKING CH 16. I remember being really stressed over it because it was so SLOOOOOOOWWWW but yas yas. Please enjoy 17. Thank you for your patience //hearts u//

@heythereitsmo​ said to enaasteria: March 31st 2018, 12:12:00 am · 8 hours ago Oh when Sehun tells Ahri the story of the Keepers, I remembered you wrote a piece about it and it was just — beautiful. I cried then and I cried now because it literally took my breath away. Every chapter is so stunning Ena, every word resonates so deeply in my soul. It wasn’t always easy but they’re happy together and in love and I hope on my own stars that someone will love me the way Sehun loves Ahri — even if there are flaws and hurdles. You wrote this fabulously, love. Fantastic job.

YAS!!! You caught the merge of Keepers into Apt. This and Yua x PCY are all other stories I’m working on and I wanted to weave them into apt for continuity. I like having all my stories intertwine in some manner. It’s fun but also makes my brain want to explode when I have to make it flow right LOL. YOU’RE REALLY GUNNA MAKE ME CRY. Thank you so much for reading. I really remember you as one of the readers staying with this fic for so long. i really think it’s been years for you and I’m so grateful for your patience but also all the support you gave me. I wish you all the love and happiness and thank you for loving my characters as much as I do.

Anonymous said to enaasteria: March 31st 2018, 12:26:00 am · 8 hours ago Okay but Sehun getting provoked by ahri’s ‘other men’ amuses me sooooo much THANK U SO MUCH FOR CH 17 I honestly needed some destressing with an overload of fluff (and that thick tension 😉😏) ☺️💕💓😚

I definitely had to throw in Ahri’s other men to lighten up the mood hahaha. JK JK. I just really love jealous sehun?? I think he’s super sweet and it’s not like he’s like the bad kind of jealousy. He’s just irked??? LOOOL. It’s cute when he’s just agitated. I really hope you love the fluff and slow burn for the kiss LOL

@shewantsmeshesgotme​ said to enaasteria: March 31st 2018, 1:35:00 am · 7 hours ago I. AM. IN. LOVE. NXKELBFKDLFNFNDNNSKDKFNFBI. I CANT EVEN FORM THOUGHTS IM SO BLOODY IN LOVE OH MY GOD ENA WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME!!?!? You....you are some sort of a genius wizard I can’t even...I’m just broken I love this fucking story so much and YOU I LOVE YOU THANK YOU CHRIST I NEED TO SIT AND STARE AT THE CEILING FOR AN HOUR. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

LORIIIIIIIIIIIIII. THANK YOUUUUU GAHHHH. THANK YOUU SO MUCHHHH. Thank you for your help. Thank you for reading. Thank you for the screams. IM NOT A GENIUS WIZARD. YOU ARE. BUT THANK YOUUUU. Really thank you so much for reading this fic and DONT STARE AT THE CEILING. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS. Now that I finished 17, I can get to reading all the fics that are sitting in my backlog and I really want to read all of yours. I really need to read The Boxer. It’s on my to do list foreverrrrrrr. hugss!!!

@yeolieminelli​ said to enaasteria: March 31st 2018, 2:25:00 am · 6 hours ago HUHUHU. Just finished Ch. 17 😭 It's beautiful. How the each traditional family story just made sense for Ahri and Sehun ❤❤❤ Thank you for writing such a beuatiful chapter for both of them. You are a great writer dear. 😁😁😁 On a side note- I was listening to an instrumental that fit so well for the last part of Sehun's surprise, it felt even more magical. I wish I could share it with you, if I discover how. 😂

YAYYYY!!! I”M SO GLAD U ENJOYED ITTT. RIGHT? I’ve had that ending in my head for 3 years now and it’s finally there. It’s finally written and can I place a pat on my back for it because I thought it was fitting for their story too. Thank you so much for your help on it and thank you for reading. What instrumental?? You can send me the title and I can look it up on YT to add to my Apt Song Rec list!!

ramblingpeaches said to enaasteria: @ramblingpeaches I CANT TAG U WHY March 31st 2018, 3:07:00 am · 5 hours ago that was such a beautiful chapter! so worth the wait- no actually way more than that! you honestly have such a way with words. your writing, your story has made me feel a bunch of emotions and you're just so so talented that i feel like i can't properly express how much i adore your writing and hope this somewhat conveys it haha. thank you for an amazing chapter, definitely made my morning! :) ♡

Thank you so much for this message! I’m so glad you thought it was worth the wait. I’m so sorry it took so long to write but I’m such a slow writer. AND I HAVE A WAY WITH WORDS. AHHHHH //SCREAMS// You’re so kind to me and this is really such a great message because it just makes all the screams worth it. AND NOOO. REALLY. You’ve done so much for me. If you read and send me a message of how you enjoyed the chapter, that really just makes my heart swell. Thank you so much for reading!!!

@yeollieollie said to enaasteria: March 31st 2018, 3:23:00 am · 5 hours ago Omg my heart that was the cutest thing ever why can’t that happen to meeee amazing!!!

Thank you so much for reading!! Wasn’t it??? It’s the most romantic thing I’ve ever written in my entire life and I kind of don’t know what to do with myself anymore LOL.

Anonymous said to enaasteria: March 31st 2018, 5:11:00 am · 3 hours ago hi chap 17 was full of fluff i literally died after reading it 💗 tq for writing such a wonderful story! :) also! how old are sehun and ahri in this story?

ANONNN. Did you know I screamed a lot while writing this chapter. I felt so bad for my followers on Twitter. They felt the main grunt of it all ahhahahaha. I almost died writing this. My heart hurt so bad from it all T_____T Thank you so much for reading and as for their ages. I heavily---HEAVILYYYY aged Sehun in this because I felt I needed his character a bit older than how he was. And since I started this fic 3 years ago, I really did age this poor boy LOL. He’s 29 and she’s 27 in the story. :)

[samingtonwilson]

Return - Part 3 - Jim Kirk

Part 1 Part 2

Summary: series following the events of loot-- takes place during events of star trek beyond. in this chapter, a very necessary conversation happens.

Warnings: language, lil angsty, tiny amounts of fluff

A/N: i’m still tagging those i used to tag for loot, tell me if you want to be removed. i’ve become obsessed with writing this story-- i finished parts 4, 5, and 6 in the same night. loot was only ten parts, but this one’s gonna be A LOT longer.

You promised yourself right then that you would never speak to Leonard again— and you would tell him that in the most passive-aggressive fashion once his “date” on the other side of Yorktown concluded.

You couldn’t believe the audacity of the Southern man! How dare he force you into tying your loose ends? How dare he force rationality on the life of someone so hellbent on avoiding conflict it could become a career?

You would have laughed had you not been working so hard to keep your face, your body, your entire being void of any form of expression— sad, happy, or anything in between. This was partially due to the man sitting before you, uncomfortably shifting every now and then, and was partially due to your ignorance on how you actually felt— you couldn’t very well show an emotion you couldn’t decipher.

You were tired, though. The weight of the mask you wore was taxing and every part of you screamed to drop it.

Your fingers let go of the bench. You let the mask slip a little.

You set your elbow atop the table, feeling the leather of your jacket stick to it instantly. You placed your chin on your hand to prop your head up and narrowed your eyes on a framed bartending license several yards behind Jim’s head.

You sighed and looked at Jim— you wished your heart would take your side rather than continue to betray your resolve. You raised your eyebrows at him. “If you wanted to see me, you could’ve just asked. You didn’t need Bones to scam me.”

“You think I’d ask to see you in a dive?” he asked, visibly struggling against a smile. “Give me more credit than that.”

You rolled your eyes, staring at your drink for a moment. “You know, I pictured this differently.”

“Pictured what differently?”

“Seeing you again,” you answered honestly. You let the mask slip a little more.

He took an audible breath and sat back. “What’d you picture?”

You had to look away from Jim as you spoke. With the minimal reaction he offered upon seeing you, you couldn’t risk being dissatisfied with his indifference at your honesty, too. You focused on the earrings of the woman in the booth in front of yours— large mother of pearl studs with a pattern you traced repeatedly.

You uncrossed your legs. You let the mask slip just a bit more.

You cleared your throat. “For one, I wouldn’t be dressed like this— these jeans are too loose and my jacket’s from some thrift shop in Berkeley. I’d be in something sexier— tighter jeans, shirt with a lower neckline.”

“To make me regret what I’ve lost,” he said with a frown of consideration and a nod.

Your lips were no longer slacked in an indifferent part. You smiled instead. The mask slipped slightly more.

You hummed as you shifted your focus to the woman’s hair and followed the kinks of each red curl. “Precisely. My hair would’ve grown out, too,” you ran your fingers through it. “Instead of at this I-needed-a-dramatic-change length.”

“It’s nice,” he said, sighing out softly. He wanted to keep listening to you, to keep noticing the parts of your voice he’d forgotten while you were gone. “What else?”

Your body relaxed, shoulders no longer held as if forced by a brace. The mask almost came off all together.

You shrugged one shoulder. You let yourself look at him for a second— the almost painful beating in his chest made him thankful for the moments that you weren’t looking at him, the moments you spared him. You looked away quickly. “We would’ve run into each other a long time from now— not after just two years, but after, like, five or eight. Not so soon.”

“Why’s that?”

“I like to think my life will be more together three to five years from now,” you shrugged again. After a brief moment of silence, you smiled a bit and met his gaze. “Besides, you’ll look super old in a couple of years— I’d need that confidence boost.”

His mouth fell open and scoffed in playful offense. “Why would that make you more confident?”

“Any weakness, any flaw you show me would just put me over the moon,” you laughed, shaking your head. “Because I’ll have the higher superficial ground. There’s no chance of me ever having a higher moral ground, so superficial’s the next best thing.”

“What makes you think you’ll look so great in three to five years?”

He was smiling. Not in that way that hurt his cheeks and made him feel like an oil painting subject, but in the way that wrinkled the skin beside his eyes and lit the electric blue up as if it was filled with every star you could recall passing on his ship.

You thought for a moment that maybe the universe had stopped for you like you thought it would.

The mask was gone now, it lied beside your feet and you resisted the urge to stomp down on the sticky sealed concrete.

“Three to five years from now I’ll be the age my mom is in all my memories of her,” you answered, nodding once. You bit down on your bottom lip for a second. “If she’s any indication, I’ll look amazing.”

Despite your soft laughter and the roll of your eyes, Jim could tell it took every bit of your energy to disclose so much to him.

He remembered you holding each memory like the most precious secret, only letting one bit of yourself out at a time. He couldn’t believe you gave each of his questions a simple, honest answer— he thought you’d make a remark he could snort at and drop the subject all together.

There was a loud part of him that was still upset, still angry at everything you’d done. That part didn’t want to trust you no matter how much sincerity lied in the glistening of your eyes and the easiness of your smile. That part wanted you to stop occluding any bit of Jim’s sense you’d managed not to destroy the first time— that part wanted to leave just like you did, but couldn’t.

The much larger, much softer part of him kept him planted there as if he’d grown roots. That part wanted to hear you speak, to watch you smile, to accept every story you told him as the gospel truth. That part wanted you to keep occluding whatever sense remained— that part wanted to tell you to stay and make sure you never left again, but couldn’t.

As Jim watched you run your fingertip over the rim of your glass, he let himself ask what he’d been wanting to since the moment he saw you, “How are you already out?”

You looked up, absolutely no surprise over your features, and tilted your head. “I took a plea deal— five years instead of the potential ten.”

“You didn’t think you could win the trial?”

You snorted and looked away. “Of course not— I wanted to plead guilty, take the ten years and get it over with. I was advised against that, though.”

You shrugged and took your chin from your hand so you could drum your fingers against the table. “The deal was offered a few days in and I just— Fuck, anything to end the trial sounded good.”

“How long were you actually in there?”

“Two years— give or take a couple of weeks.” You stopped drumming your fingers when the sound began to irritate you. “I, um— This wasn’t my first time taking something for someone else— it’s sort of how I paid my tuition and rent.”

Jim’s eyes widened at that— but only for a short moment.

“I gave up information on who hired me to take what, where any of it could be, and they let me out.” You cleared your throat once more. “Thank you, by the way. I’m sure your testimony only helped.”

“My testimony?”

You narrowed your eyes— he certainly knew to what you were referring and you were aware of that. “Having the Federation’s goldenboy testify over holo with only the judge and lawyers present to tell them I ‘turned myself in once I was made aware of the implications the artifact’s absence would have on interplanetary relations’ really helped.”

You smiled a bit then. “So did that little story about how I ‘assisted in solving various moral issues aboard the Enterprise.’ Lying under oath is illegal.”

It was his turn to avoid your gaze. “I decided I was lying for a noble cause.”

“The cause might not be too noble, but you really are. I mean, you made them see me as a person— an honorable, morally sound person in a bad situation.”

He shrugged with a small frown. “I only did it because I knew you wouldn’t be able to survive prison. You’re too soft.”

“I am not!” you argued, laughing. “I’m totally tough.”

“Crossing your legs and acting like things don’t bother you— that doesn’t make you tough,” he told you, his laughter mingling with yours as he sat up straighter and busied himself with tracing your features again. “Things do bother you— it’s all an act.”

You clicked your tongue. “S’not an act— a coping mechanism, maybe.”

He narrowed his eyes and made a brief sound of skeptical agreement. “So like your snarkiness?”

“I’m not snarky! It’s charming sarcasm and wit.”

He laughed and shook his head.

A few beats of silence washed over you two, his voice breaking it lowly. “I just don’t— You did all of that for tuition money?”

You were thankful the mask you’d always worn around Jim was gone. Had it still been bolted into place, you’d find it difficult to tell him the truth— you would have made some joke to let the topic skate by. “It stopped being about tuition early on. I think I was just scared.”

“Of what?”

“The man who hired me— his call came from somewhere I couldn’t trace definitively. All I got were coordinates that almost matched the last known coordinates of a missing survey ship from, like, ten years ago.” You picked up your glass and drank the rest of your now watered down drink, the ice little pebbles at the bottom. “He didn’t have the technology for a holocall and I wanted to refuse but he— He knew too much about me. Beyond my Starfleet file.”

You almost shivered the more you thought about it. “It wasn’t a matter of tuition then— had it been, I would’ve given you the artifact the minute it roasted my skin like a marshmallow. It was more a matter of my safety— a matter of your safety, your crew’s safety, for helping and housing me.”

“You make it sound noble,” his laugh was rueful, without any humor that wasn’t painfully ironic. He was letting the louder, frustrated part of him speak now. “Like it was noble of you to lie, to endanger everyone, to, to— Fuck, you’re making it sound like you did me a favor by lying to me.”

You followed the sharpness of his jaw with your eyes and crossed your legs at the knee. You took your hands from the table and held onto the edge of the bench again. You dropped whatever sadness you’d allowed him to see and did your damndest to keep your shoulders straight. You had to control your voice. “I did what I thought was right at the time.”

He noticed the change in your voice and that did nothing to do away with his anger. If anything, the onset of behavior you’d just discussed made him angrier. “You thought it was right to play games? To be selfish and totally fuck someone over in your path?”

“I regret that.”

“You regretting it doesn’t fix anything.”

You wet your lips and tilted your head as you looked at him, it was as if you could see the red coursing through him. “I thought it was a lapse in judgement.”

“What?”

“You said I should call you falling in love with me a lapse in judgement,” you said as you nodded once. “If it really was such a lapse, wouldn’t you be less angry by now?”

Before he could open his mouth twisted in an incredulous expression to reply, his communicator chirped under the table. He sighed and opened it without a second to contemplate letting it go unanswered. He cupped his hand around the bottom of the receiver and mumbled for a few seconds.

You spent the lull ignoring whatever remorse poked at you for your harsh tone. You were allowed to be a little frustrated, a tad upset— you were justified.

“I need to go,” he said simply, tucking his communicator into his pocket. He slid to the end of the bench and paused. “I want to say it was good to see you but—”

“I don’t need a long-winded goodbye, Jim.”

PART 4

tagged (TELL ME IF YOU WANT TO BE ADDED OR REMOVED): @outside-the-government @daughterofthebrowncoats @multifandom-slytherin @buckyy3s @cinema212 @caaptain @dani-fae @wonders-of-the-enterprise @imaginesofdreams @the-witching-hours12-3 @kaitymccoy123@anyakinamidala @vevsee @afluffykiwi @curiositywillbethedeathofme @arielsimaginess@captain-what-is-going-on @micheladakenzo @avengers-earths-mightiest-heroes @eufeme @buriedinfandomsandfeels