#i am still fucking alive to see this shit !!!!!
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Oh boy, playing with dolls again. Let's try out a little bit of a nebulous AU involving the World of the Coinless Sentries and Rebels that work directly under Skull or gravitate towards him. More the merrier since they're all a little different from their more canon counterparts.
Betty (previously of Drakkon's palace staff; currently aboard Terra Venture in the Void and having taken to yelling at Mia): One more time, because I'm not going to say it again: you can't taste shit like an average person and until you've had lessons, you're not allowed in the kitchen. Fuck off and stop wasting my time like you do our food supply.
Fran (without glasses, pulling R.J. around by the ear in robes given by the Order of the Claw): Poor me, poor you, poor the whole rest of world. I wasn't even alive when pizza was still a thing; get over yourself.
Sentry Co-Captain T.J.: No, I'm not technically of the highest rank, so Skullovitch managed to get me out of castration and inversion; I don't have my balls, but it's not much of a loss in the grand scheme of things.
Monty (tiny Black Sentry): Grid I wish I had a fucking cigarette. Victor (exhausted Yellow Sentry, petting his head like a cat): Well, we're in a galaxy far far away, so you're out of luck. I could suck you off, if that would help? Monty: ...Yeah, alright.
Marah (every single time someone flirts with her, or is even a little nice): I'm not having sex with you.
Koda (after being asked by the og timeline's Tyler what he's learned as a Black Sentry): Be gay, eat when you can, consent isn't negotiable, lie to cops, you have to wear shoes and a shirt unless you're chosen to entertain Drakkon's guests, the buddy system is there to keep you from getting your head blown off.
Devin (constantly heard humming songs he heard from an old jukebox Cassidy stole for him for their barracks): ~Working on the night moves~
Ryan (half-demonic in appearance, with tiny toddler Olympius bouncing on his hip): Being a parent is weird, but not as weird as what I've gotten addicted to since I started raising him; you'd be amazed what I'd do for potato buns smothered in mayonnaise now.
Leelee (Black Sentry on her way back from her tri-monthly visit to see her mother, stumbling upon Mystic Force showing Coinless Clare around and suddenly very blush-y): Bowen, you inconsiderate prick, long time no see. I see you're keeping much better company these days.
Jarrod (explaining how to survive in 8th Division to og Casey on Terra Venture): Half of our existence is lying to other divisions and being creative with the truth with Drakkon. There are rules we have to follow and issues we have to address, but in the last five years, I am the happiest I've ever been.
Camille: My ex-Master was horrible and got tricked into giving up possessing Jarrod by a glorified sex worker with a body count. I'm single.
Kapri: People only like me because I am the mom friend who can also dislodge a five ton stone and bludgeon my enemies in a heartbeat. Not because I'm nice.
Kai (to Karone during workout when she wouldn't stop asking questions): Our history in 8th Division is not complicated: Drakkon tortures Skullovitch mentally, physically, and sexually; most of us came from the re-education facility, the conscription roundups, or the pleasure quarters; being the lowest of the pecking order we are required to be up to date on medical knowledge and able to perform emergency aid, cleaning, cooking, scouting, farming, gardening, maintenance, upkeep of weapons, tailoring, mending, and so on and so forth. The one good thing about this is nobody gave us a second glance when we acted oddly.
Virgil (to all of the other Sentry Psychos in addressing Andros's whole...everything): Amazing, we used to be brainwashed, hyper-aggressive assholes, yet we still have more emotional intelligence and lower defense walls than this guy. What the fuck.
Ziggy: Actually, the only time in my life I ever got picked first for anything was when I was conscripted into the Sentries and Captain Skullovitch chose me for his division. Dillon: To keep you from dying because you were so pathetic looking he couldn't risk you being grabbed by Zeltrax or that bitch Taylor. Ziggy: Even better!
Thanks for the tag!
OC in 15 (or less)
I was tagged by @ajgrey9647 to play this game. Thanks for the tag!
Rules: Share 15 or fewer lines of dialogue from an OC, ideally lines that capture the character/personality/vibe of the OC. Bonus points for just using the dialogue without other details about the scene, but you're free to include those as well!
Ahhhhhh-hah-hah-haaaaah.... This is a trick, because I don't really have a solid configuration of an actual original character. BUT, I decided to play because, incidentally, it works for Alternate Universe versions of characters I'm working on in fandom. So for this go around, I think I'll play up the version of Adam Park in the 'all our injuries rhyme' series I'm working on. Because he is NOT like the Adam Park of the Prime Universe and a bit more of the simple sentry in the Coinless Universe as we know it. This Adam has a bond with this AU's version of Skull that never would happen anywhere else. Second Green Adam Park:
"If I love you, I cook. Simple as that."
Looking directly at Trini, her terrified in the face of his solemn wrath, "Are you satisfied now?"
"I've gotten to the point that I could probably ride or deepthroat a baseball bat with no ill effect, yeah."
With soft eyes as Rocky and Aisha suddenly look ashamed of themselves, "My wife, child, and the whole of my family are dead. They know everything now."
"Exactly one person ever asked to leave 8th Division to be granted a promotion to Captain," a curl of the lip, amused without pleasure, "Because he thinks of this as a Career."
To Jason, not so coinless anymore, "I no more delight in wearing Green than you do in wearing White; but at least White didn't need purification through blood, just words. Bit of a theme with this little fucker."
With nostalgia, staring off into rain falling down at the top of the Command Center, "Leftover bread pancakes. Those and a loaf of oatmeal honey bread and a baked apple," inhales a drag of the blunt he nicked, "First time I actually wanted to suck a cock in a decade."
"And that is what forgiveness sounds like."
With deep, deep, deep sarcasm, complete with the hand signs, "Naaaaaaaaaaaaamaste."
"I'm okay on the floor."
And I think I will gently tag: @lordkingsmith @skyland2703 @koragg1 @estel-eruantien and wrapping right back around to @ajgrey9647 (I cheated, you can too. You can choose an OC or a favored character.)
#I can't believe this was in my drafts wtf#ask fill#prompt fill#tag game fill#boom! comics power rangers#World of the Coinless AU#Ziggy Grover#Dillon#Virgil | Psycho Red#Kai Chen#Kapri#Camille#Jarrod#Leelee Pimvare#Ryan Mitchell#Devin Del Valle#Koda#Marah#Victor Vincent & Monty#T.J. Johnson#Fran#Betty Burke
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as hyped as i am for P3, i’m so scared that the fandom will sideline and ignore Clara even more than she already has been
#i really hope she has a big role in p3#like maybe she’s fully aware of daniil fucking with time#after all she knew about thrush and measly when artemy had no idea#so she has lines about that when daniil talks to her#and she’s like ‘bro wtf are you doing’#and doesn’t daniil have that plague finder thing?#imagine how cool it would be if when he pointed it at her she showed up all infected#since she’s the plague and whatnot#if that’s still even the remake games#i hope it is#i don’t see why they would have changed it#but i’m fully prepared for her to be ignored in favor of burakhovsky#which don’t get me wrong i like the ship#but the daniil-clara dynamic is SO GOOD#he is trying to defeat death and she IS DEATH#basically death anyway#LIKE THE POTENTIAL PEOPLE#man fighting death goes from fighting it to nurturing it#i love dadkovsky with clara so much#anyway rant over#pathologic#pathologic 2#pathologic 3#i can’t believe i’m alive to see that tag holy shit#i really am so hyped#daniil dankovsky#the bachelor#clara saburova#clara the changeling#daniil pathologic
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Raymond Reddington
In Season 4 Episode 2 - Mato
#james spader#raymond reddington#the blacklist#reddington#red#raymond red reddington#blacklist#tbl#my screenshots#screenshot edit#photo edit#edit#OH GOD GUYS THIS EPISODE FUCKED WITH MY EMOTIONS#i mean fUCKING RAYMIND FUCKED WITH MY EMOTIONS FOR SHOOTING KAPLAN!!!!?!?!?!??!!????!?!?!??!?!!? I AM STILL FUCKING FURIOUS#i know she is still alive and is with some weird guy#BUT I ACTUALLY HAD A “FUN” THEORY SOME EPISODES PRIOR THAT KAPLAN WILL TURN AGAINST RED KXJKCJFK👀👀 WHAT IF THAT HAPPENS NOW OH GOD#BUT i also think that maybe she tries to either team up with that weird guy who helds her hostage or that she will either try to call Red#somehow to get help OR try to reach out to Tom and Lizzy and get help and if she does she helps Lizzy and Tom and slowly tells her more#about Red and whats happening#or she realy fully turns against Red as I once said “as a joke”#funny is that a lot of my theories i say as ajoke to my fandom friends actually turn to be right sooo i cnat wait to watch more eps tonight#and see what Kaplan will do oh god#also FUCK YOU RED YOU FUCKING SHIT ASSHOLE KAPLAN DEDICATED HER LIFE TO YOU AND YOU FUCKING SHOOT HER#i can kinda understand why red did that like 3% THE ITHER I JUST WANNA FUCKING PUNCH HIM ARGH#BUT ANOTHER THEORY OF MINE IS red is like a super soldier with his weapons imo and he could have EASILY shot her in the middle of her head..#so WHY SHOULD HE SHOOT HER “ONLY” AT THE SIDE OF HER HEAD?????! he could have easily realy killed her...or was he “unfocused”? what i cant#imagaine for Red handling a weapon#so maybe Red wanted to give her a chance?????#AAARGH DIS SHOW CONFUSED ME SO MUCH MAKING ME COME UP WITH THE WILDEST THEORIES#I LOVE IT
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I feel like I'm going insane. That episode read to me as a lot more tragic than other people are reading it. Yeah they were racist and rich and spoiled and awful but they were just kids. They were all just kids. Lindy was absolutely terrified throughout the whole thing and clinging desperately to what she knew, which was terrible. They could've had the chance to learn and become better but they chose to go die and it's infuriating and tragic because nobody deserves that. Nobody deserves to be eaten by slugs or die of exposure in the woods. Nobody deserves to suffer like that. But they chose it rather than let the Doctor help them because they'd rather stay in their rich white supremacist bubble and he just wants to help and there's nothing he can do.
Maybe it's because one of my core beliefs is that nobody deserves death and suffering. Nobody. Even the worst person on earth can learn from their mistakes and come back and change and everyone deserves that chance. There's no such thing as too late. But they're never going to get that chance because they actively rejected it and to me that's still very, very sad.
#dead men do tell tales#doctor who#doctor who spoilers#dot and bubble#I am losing my mind. I am actually losing my mind#maybe it's because my brain is always telling me that I'm the worst person alive#instead of just saying that no I'm not my response is to say yeah okay and even the worst person alive doesn't deserve to die and can chang#what matters is that I'm taking the next step. and anyone can choose at any point to take the next step#and they actively rejected doing that and it's sad and infuriating#because nobody deserves to die#but they get what they chose#there's also the fact that I was raised by racist trump supporters and had to unlearn a lot of shit#which I was only able to do because I got out of my small town cult bubble and I was actually willing to listen to people#the problem comes when you see assholes and go wow look at those horrible unsympathetic assholes I could never be like them#by treating them as solely monstrous and something completely different from you you ignore your own ability to be monstrous#because you're not like them you're better#even the worst person is still a person and not some cartoon villain#and thinks that their actions are justified#and I'm always looking at people being assholes and going what makes you think this behavior is okay. you clearly think you're in the right#seriously what makes you think this. I want to know your exact thought process so I can stay far the hell away from it#I've been the asshole thinking I was completely in the right and I've seen people be absolutely horrible and justify it to themselves#so I'm always aware that this could be me. I could be being a total fucking dick. so I'm going to study you so I can avoid that#also the next person who says it was because they didn't learn empathy/were unempathetic gets slapped
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played thru slay the princess again with the pristine cut update. many thoughts. extremely many thoughts.
#i had a very confused understanding of this game on first go through - extremely affecting but#very confused and messied by my interpretations and assumptions#after 10 hours of poking around i have a much more solid (if still nascent) understanding of what this#game is doing and#holy god and shit and also fuck this is such excellent art#i finished it tonight again and had ro just get up and stim around the room for a while to try and#evacuate the overwhelming excitement of seeing such a well constructed beautifully presented tightly written#complex creative profound varied cohesive unique curious compassionate fun GOOD GOOD GOOD GOOD GOOD fucking game#i need go eat my computer#some of the stuff here made me have visceral and extremely interesting reactions i now need to sit with#this is the sort of game that lives in you for ever#thank you. thank you#this is the shit i am alive for#slay the princess#mine
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thinking about freehoun so bad tonight oughhhhhhhhhhhh
#i wanna draw it so bad but i need to eat and then go to bed#like- just the idea of the rescas. barney sees gordon being dragged away and is forced to leave him#and even though he knows gordon lived- he defeated the nihlanth after all- he's still never going to see him again#the vorts say he's alive- they INSIST he's alive- but he'd still be on xen with no way to get back#and then barney just exists selflessly trying to help the resistance for 20 years#every so often he hears about gordon coming back one day and fuck he wants to believe that but he just *cant*#until he sees him at the train station#holy shit. it's him. and he hasn't aged a damn day.#barney can't even properly reunite because they would get caught and killed#so he calls issac and sends gordon on his way trying so so so hard to pokerface for the rest of his shift#when he gets back he only finds out gordon is on the run and in danger#and he cant do shit to help him#and when gordon gets to black mesa east barney isn't even there#all that- all of half life 2- and they can't properly reunite#and then the citadel explodes#man. he would ABSOLUTELY think gordon was just fucking killed then.#and when he STILL survives... just. imagine this with me.#im ill. i am so very very ill#freehoun#half life#dimond speaks
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sometimes i'll think abt a Fandom and wish it were bigger, and sometimes i'll read something from a fandom.. and wish it were smaller
#ppl seeing a confident black man : FINALLY! A PERFECT ANTAGONIST FOR OUR STORY!#THE CORRUPTOR!! THE ASSHOLE! MR KNOWS ALL!#i want to be bigger into football. i rlly do#but . omg. sometimes seeing just So Much . side eye shit is . like imagine my exhaustion#and this isnt me trying to be the behavior police like let ppl write but sometimes seeing such. Fun. patterns can be like#idk man it's sad like damn thats rlly how the world is and obvs i KNOW how it can be but it's real wack#real wack being reminded even in ur supposed happy place ur supposed lighthearted little break from the world#it's still not . idk. it's just not#oh the poor pale blond qb just a little anxious baby oh and his evil zany teammates trying to corrupt him oh theyre so terrible for my angel#:/#.. that is. a Grown. Man .#it's like replaying my 2nd grade teacher ******** me bcs i was a troublesome kid and it made her feel young and alive and bad again#like wtf am i corrupting you with maam? skibbity toliet ? leave me alone !!#listen. if it were smthing like 'x rlly likes tomatoes' when he actually likes idk carrots? i would not give a fuck. infact i prefer carrots#but bad patterns have smthing more to say bcs patterns in general have a story#it's more than 'he would not fucking say that' it's 'WHY tf are YOU making HIM say THAT of ALL people & THINGS???'#like i love having asshole characters in my stories too. and they can be poc ! NO ONE is a saint!#but having one just to fuel the only one u actually care abt? having their problems solely be for plot?? & making that one#a SPECIFIC kind of person ?? is kinda giving me 'u dont view x as a human which could mean you dont view x race as humans'#WHICH IS !! IT SUCKS ! THAT SUCKS!#i know i need to just suck it up and ignore it but thats like the life quote of being poc isnt it#ugh#it sucks
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god I'm so fucking glad I didn't kill myself ‼️
#sorry. depressing post out of nowhere. but like if you wouldve looked at me when i was . 17 and in a horribly abusive relationship#and told me “dont do it danny phantom is getting a comic series that actually does the ending justice in 2023#and OFF is getting a really cute remaster with merch and new lore and new game content in 2025“#like i genuinely dont think i wouldve beleived you .#now all we need is portal 3 and the top 3 medias that kept me from kmsing in high school will have gotten a revival . woaw .#genuienly i am so fucking !!!! extremely giddy over this !!!!!!!#it doesnt help that my fucking !!!! brain parasite is up here like holy shit me too!!!#2015 and 2016 and 2017 and 2018 macs... youre fucking free dude.#god wow that really was like. 1 a year. for 4byears. wow. kk#anyway. not going to dwell on that. i didnt do it !!!!! ans no matter how much i am gettinf fucked over by winter depression rn.#i am still fucking alive to see this shit !!!!!
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i found loads of pictures of my uncle i am going 2 cry
#he looked so sweet…..he looks SO much like my dad#i found the last picture of him that my granddad took a month or so before he died it’s so sad#trying to decide if i should tell my mum that i know about him or if i should just keep it to myself#idk if somethings wrong with me maybe it’s because i was already grieving before i found out#but it’s really getting 2 me i can’t concentrate on my uni shit i just keep thinking about it#i think i rlly need to talk about it with someone but i have no idea who or how or what i’d say. but it’s weird because it’s a secret yk#like i’m not even supposed to know he existed#idk. i have a gender clinic appointment next week and i’m going to ask if they can recommend any therapists#me being very very brave and trying therapy again after being forced into it my whole life and ending up a bit traumatised#idk. i feel bad that i’m alive and i’m wasting my life when my uncle got killed when he was just a kid#it makes me feel like i should be more grateful and do more with myself.#and i am going to try but i’d rather he was here instead. same with my granddad#every time i experience something beautiful or good i wish my granddad could experience it because he deserved it more than me#and the best i can do is experience it for him and be grateful. but i would chance places instantly if i could#him and his kid deserve to be here they were so special. i know i don’t know his kid but i’ve heard they were similar#so i know he must have been special too#i found a fb comment today from a family friend i’ve never met and she was saying that she only met my granddad once#but she called him gentle and it made me cry. because he was very scottish and sweary and traditional and masculine#so everyone just assumed he was tough and scary but if you knew him he was really quiet and kind#and i’m glad someone who only met him once could see that#i’m going to be half asleep for the rest of my life i think. i’ve been dreaming since my granddad died and i don’t feel like i ever woke up#nothing has felt real since i was nine years old. everything just stopped and never started again#i’ve just been waiting. i’m waiting for him to change his mind and come back. idk. i don’t know what to do with myself#and i continuously feel fucking insane and stupid for being this way. it’s like fresh grief all the fucking time#but it was fifteen years ago. why does it still feel this way#i can’t even tell people because they won’t understand why i’m still so bothered by it#he was my parent for nine years. i lived with him he was my sole caretaker#i was nonverbal and him and my brother were the only people on the planet who knew what my voice sounded like#he’d think it was silly if i failed my exam because i was crying about him instead#he’d tell me to whisht and stick in. so i will
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chnt fandom was so mean to you and for what🙁ur so cool..
i can think of a couple reasons
#the whole transfem elijah situation#saying i related to elijah in some way#everyone either hating elijah or wanting to fuck her#the people who want to fuck her get blocked#so they probably hate me for blocking them over that#the people who hate elijah are so annoying about it so im mean back to them#they hate that shit for some reason#probably dont like the million elijah drawings that much either#someone hates me because i didnt like being accused of an egg laying kink#joke or not dont accuse someone you dont know of an egg laying kink???#that one was weird#couple people on twitter hate me because my ex said something about me i genuinely dont know what i did there but#like my only context was one screenshot of a priv account who was also confused about what i did and man i took that shit to heart#like i was gone for a month that shit sucked worst depressive state i have ever been in um#theres probably a couple people who were mad about me using ai with the homophobic elijah volkov copypasta#there was someone on my strawpage a while back who got mad at me for that so at least one person is#they said “you talk alot of all ai is bad for someone who homophobic elijah volkov” or something like that#which is funny because i havent used ai at all since homophobic elijah volkov#theres probably more i cant be remembering all the shit i did man#most of it is so insanely harmless like ok u hate to see a cute girl winning#also people hate when u ship a “bad” character with a “good” character#example uh rowlijah#so yeah theres a couple reasons i can think of#hated by an entire fandom at only 14 years old what a time to be alive#to be fair most 14 year olds are annoying#this includes me#like man i look back at the shit i said from like march and man i was annoying as fuck!!!! i probably still am!!!!#but idgaf... a boy can be annoying and obnoxious and sometimes thats ok
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I think I cried harder today over my dad's jackets than I did at his deathbed. That was a miserable time of course, a memory that will likely be seared into my brain until I die, but I cried... I think a normal amount, all things considered. More than I ever usually do of course, but I typically don't cry At All. All this free crying is certainly surreal.
The jackets, though. I was put in charge of doing his laundry, because we don't want to pack up dirty clothes. I was expecting it to be unpleasant bc my dad's dirty clothes - gross. But really, it was much more unpleasant in that... those were his. It felt wrong to touch them. Felt wrong to treat his jackets as gross. Because they were just his jackets. They weren't even in the hamper. And then I was remembering him wearing them, and then I was crying. Again. And again. Weeping over these damn jackets.
Then I found a shirt on his bed that still smelled like him. It smelled like a Hug From Dad. And that set me off crying even harder.
In total, I think I cried like 6 times within 40 minutes. It took me that long to finish sorting the damn clothes bc I just. Was a wreck. Like, what are you supposed to do when you're living life like normal, vaguely hopeful bc you're taking steps to secure your own happiness, and then 4 days later you're sorting your dad's laundry because he fucking died. Suddenly. Without a goodbye.
And you have to worry about his lack of a will (even under an ideal situation, only 2 heirs and no conflicts between us, probate's a fucking Bitch), and arranging the funeral, and prepping his obituary, and picking out pictures, and writing a speech bc you want to talk at his funeral, of Course you want to talk at his funeral, but even just thinking about anecdotes you could share has you crying yet again.
I've cried more times in the past 3 days than likely the entirety of last YEAR. And that's WITH my cat, and uncle, and family friend dying. Those all hurt, my uncle most of all, & I was real fucked up over it. But this? This was my Dad. Likely the person I'd have named 2nd closest to me in my life, second only to my sister. He wasn't perfect, but he did so much for me throughout my entire life. All he wanted was to raise us to be happy and independent. And he accomplished it, we're getting by without him, but we still wanted several more decades with him. He was only 57. We should've gotten several more decades with him.
But here we are now. Playing investigators to his life, digging into all his shit, trying to find documents and take inventory of all his things, and learning Many things about him in the process. In his lockbox of sensitive documents, like his SSN and birth certificate and all that stuff, we found an old letter. About a decade old now, written in my hand. Right at the very top, we found that he'd kept the letter I wrote to him telling him frankly about my struggles and the things I wanted him to do better. He kept it. He tried to take it to heart. He looked at it again, sometime more recently than all the rest of the documents. That was on top.
His love for us is evident everywhere. The pictures he has hanging up all over the place, majority of them with us in them. The old fathers day cards placed on display in his bedroom bookshelf. The gifts we gave him, even stupid little knick knacks, placed around his apartment with pride. I wish we'd taken more videos of him. I don't want to forget the sound of his voice. I don't want to forget his smell either, the smell of a Hug From Dad, but I still tossed that shirt into the wash even though it felt like saying yet another goodbye.
It's the suddenness that hurts the most, I think. We were planning on having him help me finally get my license this year. My final words to him, the last thing he would've seen from me, were messages asking up on whether he'd called his car insurance company to make sure there wouldn't be problems. I should've called him more. I don't know if I'm going to learn from this.
I cut my 2 weeks off early to have time to grieve and to work on things for the funeral and settling the estate. The last thing I'd wanna do right now is selling fucking bubble tea in a job I already decided to leave. So here I am without a job, though with potentially two life insurance policy payouts to come. Inheriting half his 401k. Inheriting couches, knickknacks, keepsakes, paintings, art pieces, maybe even his guitar and other furniture if we can figure out what to do about space (I don't have room for this furniture, I don't know if I even have room for the couches, but God do I want to keep so much of this furniture). It has me even considering keeping one of his guns, just one. A tiny little revolver, it sits so comfortably in my hand. I don't even want to use it for anything. I just want to have it, keep it stored in a drawer with its ammo kept separate. I don't like guns, but this is a part of him. He loved collecting guns. He was about as responsible with them as someone can be, keeping them locked in a lockbox and impressing upon his children the importance of gun safety (I've known the basic gun safety rules ever since I was a little kid. Of course, of course, of course.) It reminds me of him. It's horrifically easy to have a gun in Indiana. I apparently don't even need a permit to carry anymore. (I have no intention to ever carry this in public.)
It's all a cycle. Business, grief, thoughts about my future. Round and round, like the most nauseating carousel in existence. I don't know how I'm still so functional. My skills with compartmentalization have been my lifesaver.
And im just thinking about the story my dad's best friend shared today. About a friend of theirs who lost her father. She reached out after hearing about my dad to share his words with her: "it's okay to grieve, but don't make his death your life".
He explicitly referenced himself in this, saying if he were to die suddenly that he wouldn't want us to define ourselves by it. Grief is expected, but he wants us to be able to move on. He's always wanted us to establish ourselves and make ourselves happy. He wouldn't want to be a weight holding us back from that.
So every time I start to feel guilty for thinking about having nicer furniture or using his life insurance payout to fund the rest of my college, I remind myself of that. Thinking about the material isn't a bad thing. I'm only human. And in the end, he'd Want me to be thinking about it. He never intended to die, certainly not without warning like this, so he would've only encouraged me being pragmatic about it all.
He only ever wanted us to be happy. So I need to do what I can to live up to that.
I love him. I miss him already.
#speculation nation#negative/#this got really long on accident. but i think typing this out was really helpful for me.#getting the thoughts out. processing. the works.#nearly cried several times just from writing this.#...and honestly i might reference this again when i start seriously writing my eulogy.#things suck a Lot right now. and i really wish they were different.#feels like i picked a bad choice in a video game and am now seeing the Bad Ending or whatever#all i need to do is reload a previous save. it's all still there. perfectly preserved in my memories.#but... that's all gone. as suddenly and unfair as it is ive been thrust into a new chapter of my life so thoroughly.#it's not all bad though. he wasnt prepared for dying so it's been hell to prepare for him#we dont know if we'll even be able to get into his fucking iphone. stupid piece of shit.#but he had life insurance. he had a union job. and That comes with benefits#(something about a year's salary going to the family. aka half a year's salary to Me. and isnt That mind boggling.)#as much as it hurts im going to be realistic about it. im going to do what i need to finish my education.#and im going to use it as a springboard for finally becoming a 'proper adult'.#the kind who could own a nice kitchen fridge. one with an ice machine on the front of the door#and freezers in the drawers.#maybe then i could think about getting motorcyle lessons. not from my dad as i originally wanted#but i wanna keep the family biker spirit alive. i wanted it even before he died. and now i want it even more.#ive had so so many thoughts. it's only been 3 days. ive had to emotionally numb myself several times just to Get Through It.#everything is exacerbated. my mom wants to go to the funeral. we will have to fight her on this. my dad Hated her.#and i certainly dont fucking want her around either. not then. not when im talking about my dad.#(my dad. my Dad. i saw him die. i felt him cold. i do not regret it. it still hurts me.)#it's overwhelming. i loved him so fucking much. even with his flaws he was truly an amazing father.#i'll... shut up now. if you read this far. well. hug your loved ones a little tighter. you never know when youll lose them.
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Hi I just completed Dual Destinies and I keep on getting SHOT with prophetic visions of a game where Phoenix fucking dies but he becomes a ghost that can only be seen by the light of a specific flashlight that Athena has and through the usual Ace Attorney shenanigans he b. did i just write ghost trick
#ace attorney#the fixation that started this blog is BACK#and i'm gonna use it to write the funniest fanfic of all time#yes. even funnier than cha cha slide apollo.#THE PLOT is basically someone sneaks into the office while wright and cykes are working late on a case#kills wright and escapes on time for cykes to come in and go OH FUCK AH SHIT#but see the power is out so she has to use a flashlight and she goes to call the police after a hearty NOOOO#she comes back and shines the light RIGHT above the body and suddenly oh whats this?? hes fuckin. standing???#cue the whole trope of like a ghost character realizing they're a ghost and the alive character genuinely wtf about it#cykes is HAPPY that she can still talk to him after a bit but you know. his corpse. is right there#also convenient for the killer wright didn't see jack shit on who it was BUT he did. fight back sort of#it was dark so he couldn't see their face but he could Feel them and can estimate things like height weight etc#am i cooking? i think i'm cooking. i'd sure hope so. anyways
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I don't care when people don't include me in stuff, I'm used to it but-----
my own family going on a trip w/o even asking me kinda felt
shit 🫠
#like i understand cuz they gave up on trying to talk to me butttttttt#why the fuck am i the villain in the story even like this 😭#its okay if u dont give a fuck abt me. but at least dont make me feel like i deserve it lol#like yes sorry but i have a reason for lowkey disliking all of you#and i know damn well all of you know why#yet they always say that it makes no sense i behave this way#behave this way means keeping my healthy distance and trying to move out asap#i dont spread hate and im not an asshole with them???#but me not acting all lovey dovey is a problem too#yes idk i always think i should cherish that they are still alive and i could better my relationship with them but#What to do when you can see your own dad literally hating you#like when he talks to me he always does so in a cynical and angry way#man im sorry i was born and shit its kind of your fault for not using a condom :/#lol okay i think imma delete this later but yes#yes i hate it that the only people i feel loved by are de*d ffsssssssssssssss#like all is well lately but i wish! love wouldn't only exist in my head man! im happy this way but when i realize the situation its kind of#pathetic and idk until how long#can i keep on staying sane like this lol#im kind of already insane if we think abt it but how long will it take me to lose my marbles completely 😭#yes this crisis was spiraled by just me not being included in a trip i wouldnt have gone to regardless if they asked me#but yes like. Idk they could have just told me at least😭 i called my sis in the morning and she responded like 10 hours later that they are#w dad and a womannn doing some funsies eating pancakes n shit 👻👻#i hate pancakes and i hate myself but 👻#im jealous of you guys frrrrr🐈⬛🐈⬛🐈⬛🐈⬛🐈⬛🐈⬛ for being so normal n happy 🐈⬛🐈⬛🐈⬛🐈⬛🐈⬛🐈⬛🐈⬛🐈⬛🐈⬛🐈⬛🐈⬛🐈⬛
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ykw actually I am angry + disappointed w them. I've been pushing how I feel aside and trying to make it my own fault so it's all contained but I think theyve just been mean. and they really should know me better ik I try to pretend I don't expect more from them so I feel less hurt when they do things that upset me but we've been friends for years by this point. like come on.
#just got home and went to put my shit away but my flatmate was in the kitchen and i got suddenly so mad i had to walk back out#not going to do or say anything while im this upset. i need to be a lot calmer before i can even be in the same room as her#like okay. so originally it was just the two of them getting drinks and theyd rather it was just them bc i dont drink. thats cool#it wouldve been difficult for me to join them after work bc travel. and ik theyd done this before just the 2 of them and had fun#i can fully respect that its why i said no and stuck by that decision when she asked again#but to not mention she was taking the day off work and btw i just found out that BOTH of our other old flatmates joined in too#to not mention that they were travelling that entire distance and that it wasnt just drinks it was a whole day out together#thats just mean. why wouldnt you tell me that why did none of them say anything.#and the fact they did the exact same fucking thing last weekend too i didnt know about that at all#like i need to stop trying to justify it. im allowed to feel unwanted and excluded bc thats exactly what theyre doing.#im tired of feeling like other people dont want me around. i know i can be difficult and annoying sometimes. but im really not that bad#and we're meant to be friends!!!!!! like youre supposed to like your friends. and want to spend time with them. or at least i do#and yeah everyones annoying sometimes thats just part of being alive ur supposed to tolerate it if ur friends#im allowed to want to feel like im wanted. im allowed to want ppl to care abt me. that shouldnt be too much to ask for#but the overwhelming message im getting at the moment is they dont want me around. and when i am around them i feel like they dont listen#to me and that they dont really care how i feel unless it directly involves them or theyre responsible for it#i feel like they dont see me as a real person that exists. only a version they have in their heads and they base all their assumptions and#decisions off that version instead of directly communicating with me. and constantly avoid me under the guise of 'giving me space'#when im upset or having a difficult time and most need support from other people. i just feel really unseen#and ik that part of how i feel IS exacerbated by insecurity and depression. like they do care to some degree#but also a lot of it is evidenced in the way they act towards me. mainly my roommate bc shes the person i interact with most#and personally i find the most direct ways of showing u care abt someone are showing up for them. and making them feel seen#and maybe not everyone feels the same way. but thats how it works for me anyway#so to repeatedly exclude me and avoid acknowledging that ive been having a difficult time is the opposite of that to me#which is the point im trying to arrive at... sorry ik ive probably said similar things repeatedly the last few weeks but i feel like its#crystallising a bit like this is the core reason why im so sensitive and reactive atm and why i got so upset by it#idk. not tonight bc im still very emotionally raw but maybe tomorrow if im calmer i should explain that i was upset + why to her#i avoid doing that so often when im upset bc i dont think theres much point in having a conversation abt it unless u expect some kind of#resolution from it. or if you want an apology but idrc abt being apologised to the crucial thing is what theyre going to do different#and i love her but shes very resistant to changing her behaviour bc of other ppl being upset by it. and like i said before she has
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IK I HAVENT DRAWN IN FOREVER BTW IM WORKING ON CATCHING UP
#ITS JUST. BEEN SHIT TO GET MOTIVATED LATELY#ESPECIALLY WHEN IK NONE OF U CARE#LIKE WHY AM I BOTHERING POSTING THIS??? NO ONE GIVES A SHIT??? NO ONE LOOKS AT MY ART FOR MORE THAN A SECOND NO ONE CARES#WHEN THEY DO CARE ITS ONLY BC ITS A GIFT FOR THEM OR I SENT IT TO EM N THEY DONT WANNA BE RUDE#LIKE WHY FUCKIN BOTHER LATELY YA KNOW. LIFE IS JUST GETTING WORSE AND ANYTHING I COULD DO WITH THESE SKILLS I LOVE SO MUCH IS GOING#WELL UP IN FLAMES IF YOU DONT MIND THE WORDPLAY#N IK IT EATS YOU ALIVE TO CARE ABOUT WHO SEES YOUR WORK. IK ITS BAD N I SHOULDN'T DO IT.#BUT IF NOT EVEN ANY IF MY FRIENDS(BARRING MY BF XOXO LOVE U PYXE BUT LIKE I DO SEND U EVERYTHING STILL LOL) CAN EVEN BOTHER#JJST. EVEN LOOKING AT MY STUFF#WHATS THE POINT??#THE ONLY ART OF MINE THATS GOTTEN THE SLIGHTEST BIT OF ATTENTION LATELY HAS BEEN THE ISAT AU N THATS BC THATS A COMMUNITY STARVING FOR STUF#LIKE HOW MANY NOTES MY WANDERSONG STUFF GOT DESPITE BEING SO BAD#BUT IVE IMPROVED SO MUCH AND POURED SM INTO A COMMUNITY THAT DOESNT FUCKING GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ME?????#WHAT AM I DOING WRONG??!?!!?! SOMEONE TELL ME ID DO ANYTHING JUST TO KNOW WHY I CANT GET ANYONE EVEN THE PERSON WHO LOVES ME THE MOST#TO GIVE A SHIT JSUT ONCE#ill prolly delete this later. Im sry.
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astarion is so fucking funny as a character because conceptually he hits all the marks of a wet cat blorbo but in practice he's unbelievably hard to stand. i'll be on the bg3 companion guide and have to start CRYING from trying to find the shit under his section that gains approval. loses -15 points for gently suggesting we not massacre an orphanage in cold blood with the d&d equivalent of a nuclear warhead
#like all things considering i am still in act 1 so i'll grant you that i might just not be at the point where people start to like him#but please for the love of god he has me on my knees to be even a little redeemable. can we do one thing that's normal just as an entrée#my tav isn't even playing a straightedge good guy is the worst part they lose wyll and gale points for being too opportunistic if anything#but they still like them more than this bucko who's been all grumpy and harrumphing at their. lack of sufficient slavekeeping ? ?#SO confusing by the way because i thought i'd spoiled myself on his backstory and context makes those checks seem borderline contradictory#he's still a hilarious freak and i still have to respect the hustle#and i'll fucking do it but christ alive.#on top of that missing a lot of his scenes contributes because my dumbass is nearly starting the creche and long rested up to now about 3x#the party'll be wailing about sleep deprivation and i check their stats see they still have points ready to go and go nahh you're good#girl THIS is what i get for creating a peak performance shortresting steamroll team of fighter warlock monk and barb#managed to become so efficient i couldn't even get my blood sucked. can't have shit on the sword coast#next playthrough that mod for displaying the number of queued camp scenes is getting locked and loaded in or so help me#baldur's gate 3#bg3 liveblog
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