#i need go eat my computer
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played thru slay the princess again with the pristine cut update. many thoughts. extremely many thoughts.
#i had a very confused understanding of this game on first go through - extremely affecting but#very confused and messied by my interpretations and assumptions#after 10 hours of poking around i have a much more solid (if still nascent) understanding of what this#game is doing and#holy god and shit and also fuck this is such excellent art#i finished it tonight again and had ro just get up and stim around the room for a while to try and#evacuate the overwhelming excitement of seeing such a well constructed beautifully presented tightly written#complex creative profound varied cohesive unique curious compassionate fun GOOD GOOD GOOD GOOD GOOD fucking game#i need go eat my computer#some of the stuff here made me have visceral and extremely interesting reactions i now need to sit with#this is the sort of game that lives in you for ever#thank you. thank you#this is the shit i am alive for#slay the princess#mine
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sorry these kinds of comments have been really pissing me off recently lol
#it's been kinda hard for me to pinpoint WHY exactly these sort of comments feel insulting#but i think it's mostly because it implies my original work is purposefully and inherently derivative of things i have no connection to#while i think being derivative in art is. kinda unavoidable in a sense (and something i'm aware i do consciously and unconsciously)#it feels like a slap in the face when people imply that my work cannot hold its own merit and need to be compared to#something in the popular conscious#and like sometimes people don't know it's original art which is fine#but it also doesn't hurt to ask if it's original instead of just. immediately assuming or comparing it to something else#i know this will only get more difficult as i continue to drift away from fanart and fan works#but i really want to be able to be proud of my original work and i want to share more! because it's a part of me!!#but its really hard when it feels like i'm always going to be compared to things people care about more!!!! AAAUGH#god. ok sorry i need to get that off my chest. if anyone compares computer angel to TMA again im gonna start eating drywall#fern's sketchbook
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!!! FLASHING LIGHTS WARNING!!! [IM NOT FUCKIN AROUND!!]
REACHED THE CUSP OF 'THIS MAY NEVER BE ABSOLUTELY FINISHED N IF I DONT SHOW IT NOW, IT WILL NEVER SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY.' SO HERE, A PROJECT IVE BEEN ORBITING AROUND UHH SINCE 2021 OR SO.
#jrwi fanart#THE SQUIRMING IMAGE#jrwi riptide#gillion tidestrider#cw flashing lights#LOOORRD OF LIGHTNING SAAAAVE ME!!!!#RAAAHHHH I LOVETHIS SONG SO FUCKIN MUCH AND I LOVE GILLION SO FUCKIN MUCH RAAHHHH!! RAAHHHH!!!#BUT YES YES I HAD LIKE A WHOLE OTHER HALF TO THIS SKETCHED OUT BUT IT WONT FINISH COOKIN FOR A MILLION YEAARS!!!!#MAYBE SOMEDAY.....#ANYWAY. this is my first time actually syncing audio to my animations. normally i domnt know howww.#i animated it all in fire alpaca AND THEN i mixed everything in a pirated movie maker. it kinda uh. sucks. but its WHAT I GOT BAYBE!!#i relaly like how i animate swishy hair... i was inspird by eris from sinbad. i can only HOPE i got on that level w the watery flowyness#LIUGHTNING IS HARD TO ANIMATE TOO. I WATCHED ALOTTA VIDEOS ABSORBED MINIMAL TUTORIALS AND UHH I THINK I DID OKAY!!#better than bad!!! but i can still do better. eventually. ugh. FLASHING LIGHTS TOO HUH? U LIKE ANIMATINGB FLASHING LIGHT?#U LIKE MAKING THE BLACK N WHITE FLICKER RLY FAST UNTIL UR EYES BLEED OUT UR SKULL?? YEAAAHH YOU DO!!!#im also vry proud o the title cards i made at the beginning teheheheh. dependign on where riptide goes i MIGHT change it#BUT HEY THEORY TIME? I HOPE ONE OF THE GODDESSES COMES DOWN TO PILOT GILLIONS BODY SO THEY CAN BEAT THE FUCK OUT O THE OTHER GODDESS#WHO IS ALSO IN SOMEONE ELSES MORTAL BODY. GODS COMING DOWN TO WREAK HAVOC OVER PETTY DISAGREEMENTS OOOGH HOW FUN!!#GOOD ON YOU CHAMPION!! YOUR VESSEL HAS BEEN TRAINED TO BE STRONG AND HARDY. PERFECT FOR CHANNELING DIVINE ENERGY.#OHHHH WHAT A PERFECT WEAPON YOU ARE. NOW GO AND IMMANENTIZE A WATERY ESCHATON#PARAGON OF OCEANS WRATH I WANT TO SEE YOU DROWN THE LAND. DESTROY!!! EAT!!! BURN!!! RAAAGHH I NEED GILLION TO GET MORE POWER!!!!#ALSO in other news i uh. actually posted this onto twitter forever ago but forgot to post it here bc i can only post it from pc and BABY!!#IM NOT ON THE COMPUTER OFTEN! NOT ANYMORE!! NOT ANYMOREE!!! IM FREE BAYBE!! i used to be so miserable. sometimes i think abt that.#ANYWAY. pls enjoy. just this much took so long. i love makin the lil guys move.... ouh.... hava good day if u get the chance to.
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gonna be real here, calling someones mental breakdown a "crashout" just feels rude.
#syscourse#i swear i heard people using the term with the green guy#and then suddenly its everywhere#whenever someone goes a little too wild they're “crashing out”#im about to “crash out” my computer and leave syscourse for the day.#yes i just got here but i read like 3 posts and im already drained.#anyway cheating is bad but the syscourse brackets dont matter take care of yourselves#dia if you see this i want you to do 5 safe things that make you happy. right now. talk to a friend. draw some art. hug a blanket or-#-a stuffed toy. do a dance with loud music in your headphones/earbuds. try cleaning up something if needed.#drink something nice or eat something filling. try to care for yourself.#everyone else yall should care for yourselves too#but im hoping dia is okay the most. go to better tumblr tags.#look at cute cat videos or something. if you see this i can send you some cat videos from some tumblr tags if you'd want.
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I've got a case of Kim Kitsuragi obsession & the doctors are saying it's terminal
#disco elysium#i need him. i can fix him. i want to put him in the meat grinder. i want to take him dancing. i want to dissect him#hes literally me except different in every way. im going to fucking eat my computer#kim kitsuragi
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"curl up and hide in the dark under the big weighted blankets on will’s bed and not come out for hours" my litle fukimg guy...........
#oughhhhhhhh#he is upsetti.....#goddddd. fuckk.#throws up virion style#i need 2 go finish packing my room i cannot stay here and nhw post but oh my ogdd. oh mygod#im gonna eat my computer#whiskey yelling into the void
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Recent misc pictures
#image 1 - sky of course.. beautiful clouds time. Image 2 - steak and scrambled eggs with a mushroom spinach sautee sort of thing#and an apple fritter (all cooked at home of course except for the apple fritter... still wishing I could ever get food out or have it made#for me so I don't have to do the effort of making it all myself.. it just tastes better sometimes when you're in a relaxed state eating#it rather than a 'just stood in the kitchen for 1hr' state lol). Image 3 - nice gray clouds with the sun through them.#Image 4 - 4 tiny gyoza type things with a tiny Diet Restriction Friendly size portion of iced coffee and a starshaped ice cube#Images 5 - 7 - these interesting flowers I came across whilst walking on a trail. I think the way they grow is cool. And that the buds of#them are so fluffy and such. Image 8 - 9 -- more stinky word counts... aughhh...... Trying to plan a full timeline of when#I might actually finish the game and I'm estimating currently like July 2025 as an insanely optimistic ideal and October 2025 as my very#late one. So likely somewhere in between. Or even later if something happens as things tend to do (computer explodes. etc)#Both are HOT months for oregon so I guess that's what started me off thinking and dwelling on the passage of time and the weather.. grrr#I wish I could be done with it tomorrow or something and then just relax and play sims all winter knowing my work is done lol#But I feel like the impending summer (as well as many other impending societally threatening things) give me too much urgency to be like#WAUGh i need to get this done NOWWW.. But I still wish I could relax and enjoy the winter a litttle. eugh... ANYWAY. I did finish the#discord for the game but I still don't know if I'll use that. I need to work more on the game itself and the itch.io page. But then also#I should probably talk about it or try to cultivate a small base of people (like a discord) who actually care about it and could become#future playtesters so I have that all ready well before the game actually is done so I needn't scramble at the last minute.. If I were#smart. and had social skills. and had energy (< has none of these things). So inevitably who knows if shall be able to muster any such feat#At least I'm getting like.. some words done.. some days. I am making progress. It's just never good enough considering the circumstances#(< looming instability and time passing in what feels like a very fast manner). ANYWAY.. lol... Image 10 - recent game of Price#Is Right Plinko Pegs my beloved game which I return to to play like maybe 2 rounds of once every 5 months... one day I shall win... Though#I'm incresingly uncertain if there even IS a last level. Or if its designed to go on forever/make you fail at a point to keep you playing..#Last two images - CLOUDS again. A very cloud heavy photo diary this time it seems lol#Also trying to: - post a few more costumes from drafts. - make new friend survey thing. - edit videos - make a sculpture. - set up#things to actually sell sculptures. - doctors appointments. - pack up things to possibly move before the summer to an apartment which#will still not have central AC but maybe at least is not west facing (so gets direct sun hottest part of the day and is a greenhouse)#Life is a constant revolving to do list with occasional sleep & looking at clouds in between.. (sigh)(pauses)(slightly more whimsical sigh)#photo diary
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might be a snow day, but i have at least knocked a few tasks off my to-do list today
#//juri speaks#paid bills; finally reinstated computer security sub; cleaned up emails; backed up my laptop#leveled up two dnd characters (one for a game tonight; one i've been putting off for weeks bc the game got rescheduled)#we even went for a snow walk! it was exhausting! (i am very out of shape and it was loose powder over ice/slush so very slippy jskdlfj)#need a shower and to do some laundry but i think i'm gonna go eat lunch first...
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I get home from work at 5 and if I want to be well-rested enough not to get headaches and actually get stuff done, I need to go to bed at 10
I have five hours a day to live my life
it's not enough
#no wonder i spend so much time on my phone at night#low effort high reward#or whatever the thing about fanfiction was#like.#there isn't even hardly time to play games on the computer#i have to eat dinner#i have to eat a protein-rich snack at 8 so i'm ready for tomorrow's energy needs#that's around an hour right there#so i have 4. actually.#i never want to do chores or take showers because it feels like wasted time#like. i only have 4 hours before my day is over and i have to go to work again#how do...#this can't be sustainable?
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SIMPLE COMMISSIONS OPEN
Ok, i cant find any other job nor other way to make some money rn. I still have to pay 450 for credit card, that we used to buy groceries, 450 for electricity and at least mom's phone. Ideally, 700 that we owe for the apartment payments, but we can keep pretending it doesnt matter as much.
So, opening sketch and whump comms bc i cant bring myself to do more than that rn. I can barely bring myself to draw at all. I could even toss some notion of nsfw for an extra 10 bucks.
Prices, how-to's and more info >>here<<
Im relatively desperate, bc even tho i managed to pay the internet bill, it doesnt matter if electricity is cut down, specially as we're having heat waves of about 40C for the last week with no end in sight.
(I listed the amount i need in brazilian real, so it would be around 250usd. 400usd if we count the apartment things that im ignoring.)
#emergency commissions#commissions#help an artist#thankfully my aunt decided to buy us some groceries but it wont last much#paid a few bills with money my friends gave me as a christmas present but im still very embarassed by the need#even more so that i didnt manage to make it last more than a month#also my dad being home is becoming a problem#me and mom are trying to eat less so we can keep having food for longer#and he spends the whole day eating everything he sees#its been hard and i dont want to ask for help but i dont know what else to do#no one else will help bc we have a capable man at the house and why cant he go back to the job HE ACTUALLY HAS to keep us afloat#but he doesnt want to so now i have to take care of the bills myself#doesnt matter that i was fired bc the computer can do the same work i did#im very tired and trying to not spiral into depression yet again
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just realised that the first media we consumed that made us REALLY sympathetic for the monster was that fucking point and click Mystery Case Files Ravenhearst game. bc that entire game i was legitimately fucking TERRIFIED of the ghost lady in that game but the second i found out her husband was abusive i doubled down on trying to help her escape. and the ending of that game Did make me cry out of fear but hey at least i did in fact help her escape
#i think that was the first game we ever like. completed. as well#NO it was hidden expedition amazon bc that one was less scary so it was easier to beat LMAO#we had both of those games on a single disc as a kid#one o those like. buy 2 for cheap game discs at like. best buy. i love those cheap bargain bin point and click games#hidden object games were my entire thing from the age of like. 8 to 12#we also had like. three ispy game discs one of which had FOUR separate worlds to go to#which upon my recent googling was like. multiple ispy games packaged into one which i cannot find any record of??#i know for a fact it had a space section the fantasy one and the school days one#and then we had treasure hunt and spooky mansion as separate discs#I FUCKING MISS SPOOKY MANSION i have a download of it but i CAN'T PLAY IT bc it was made for computers older than windows 7#it fucks up the aspect ratio of the screen and the mouse like. shows the cursor being about an inch to the left of where it Actually Is#its weird#anyway complete non sequitur here but I GOT THE STUPID ASS MULTIPLAYER ITEMS IN TERRARIA#i forgot i could just. make a multiplayer world. and not invite anyone to it. and get the items that way#so this can still be a purely singleplayer challenge i just have to click on a different menu to get these items#NOW I JUST HAVE TO FUCKING PAINTING HUNT. HOORAY 😳#they need to make a version of that emoji without the blush. i am not flushed i am fucking STARING AT U LIKE A MADMAN#the fucking. uluru painting. i chewed through 7 ENTIRE LARGE DESERTS FOR THAT FUCKING THING#7 LARGE WORLDS. DCU. DESTROYED ALL TRACE OF SAND. ONLY GOT ULURU IN AN OLD ABANDONED WORLD INSTEAD 😔#and now. now i have to search for fucking WALDO?????? WALDO????? this actually looped back around to the initial topic of the post huh#any hidden object BOOKS i would fucking eat up as well the Can You See What I See books??? i liked those better than ispy actually#walter wick is the one man responsible for my LIFELONGGGGGGG obsession with hidden object games#i LEARNED TO READ with ispy books initially and i fucking LOVED it it was so fun making learning a game#i learned to read like. wayyyyy faster than other kids apparently?#i dont remember what age but i was definitely early bc i knew enough that when i entered preschool i was like. past their starting level#i dont remember the details i just know like. i learned to read really early. and i was a late talker#but neither of my parents think i was. bc both of them were delayed in speaking too so they think its normal--#but like. my mom was Deaf she absolutely was a late talker#and my dad. well. lets just say my mother has less of the tism tendencies to gift to me#and also both were part of very very large chaotic families so like. mild neglect was part of the package yknow
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PRETTY TWILIGHT LIGHTENING FOR THE SSKK FIGHT SCENE. THANK YOU GOD 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏
#OMG ALL THE IMAGES FROM THE SSKK SCENE WERE SO PRETTY ALXBDHAKDBEJSNDVKA I??????????#I WAS SO SURE OF A QUALITY DROP FOR THIS SEASON BUT THIS TRAILER MADE ME RECONSIDER AKSBFBSKXVJS AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH#TACHIHARA 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️💯💯💯💯💯💯😢😢😢😢😢😢😢#Omg I'm so excited for the Tachihara scene. Tachihara ilu#There was a frame of Dazai looking illegally cute????? Akbsvdksbxbsovdkabsk#Oh and Chuuya too akzbdvkabxheksv. Wow it really looks like they're going to catch up with the manga...#That means that after this season we won't have another in like. Ten years lmao#It's okay Aktgw death animated is all I need really. hope the blood is plenty and sickening#We even get to the FukuFuku flashbacks...#At this point also adapt Akutagawa's resurrection and unavoidable sskk marriage while you're at it#Anyways... Happy pride month xoxo#random rambles#*Deep deep sigh* *Tieedly turns on my computer to open Photoshop*#I had different plans for this morning and I should go eat 😭😭😭
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just lost a decent sale bc my associate told someone we didnt have something even tho i told the guy to give me a couple minutes while i waited for the associate to come back from lunch bc i was the only one there and i couldn’t leave the floor but i would grab it when he was back and then he left bc he was told we never had that
also manager left EARLY and said it wasnt busy this morning so it wont be busy at all today but its the afternoon now and its busy and theres only 3 of us scheduled besides her -on a friday during summer mind you- and one doesnt even come in for another couple hours and so its just me and this associate who is good at some things but terrible at other things and im just so tired why does this happen every single fucking job i get i need to stop being so reliable so my managers stop leaving me to clean up and run everything wtf
#ori.#retail i love retail. retail is my favorite i love this#also this associate has been here longer than me#he knows to look up on the computer to see if we have something…. im over this#okay rant over im so OVER it#i really cant wait to go down to part time i need a break i hate this#im just really tired i didnt sleep well i hate closing i didnt eat last night besides ice cream and i dont even want to eat lunch#but i know i probably wont have time to cook when i get home tonight ugh
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it's rlly fun how my parents just straight up. do not care. about the disordered eating. we had all this talk back when i went through a big suicidal crisis a couple months ago, i explained what was really difficult for me, eating socially, restaurants, not choosing my food, etc, and now it's like. okay it didn't exist actually.
mother i am not going to order you around, either you accept that i'm gonna have difficulty dealing with "normal people behavior" or whatnot and you stop looking at me like :/ anytime i am anything but ecstatic at the idea of eating anything anytime anyhow, or you adapt your behavior to avoid the results you don't like to see. i'm only doing my best to handle things from my side, and i am certainly not going to try measuring for you how important family social eating occurences are to you.
#''we should talk abt it uwu'' WE TALKED ABOUT IT. STOP COMPLAINING THAT DOING STUFF THAT I CAN'T EASILY HANDLE MAKES ME WEIRD.#EITHER YOU ASSUME IT'S GOING TO MAKE ME WEIRD BECAUSE YOU KNOW EXACTLY HOW AND WHY#OR YOU STOP DOING IT IF IT'S SO UWU HEARTBREAKING UWU FOR YOU TO WATCH#i'm not happy about how guilty i am too of that specific brand of ''oh this is so sad *continues doing nothing*'' form of ''compassion''#they just want me to perform anorexia recovery for them#so they can feel okay we're doing a good job at raising a normal child#they don't give a shit as long as the compusive eating is my mom's meal at the dinner table#just like they didnt care when i had roughly the same problems but not as bad before i had a restrictive phase#i cannot compromise because then WHAT im just hurting my parents for a situation that doesnt make me any happier either?#i do not want to live with them. i do not want to go place or do activities with them.#i dont want to talk to them most of the time and im perfectly willing to handle the times it could be cool to.#but it's really hard to start developping a life of your own when you first of all need like two weeks of total life-reset#quiet at home#and ''at home'' there's your parents who will simply not stop trying to pull you into going random bullshit places#and i can't say no. because the places ARE interesting and time-limited. and it makes them happy. and what am i gonna do anyway?#keep doing nothing on the computer and wait for them to come back to keep doing only the shittiest parts of this unsatisfactory routine?#try to do some work in the house or go out. for them to see that something happened?#i dont know how to live like a normal person#literally not once in my life have i been able to think ''oh i need to do X'' and then just. do X. prepare what's necessary for doing X.#go out and do X. i have to keep stuck at this computer or in this room or with this book.#because there is a million different obstacles to every single thing i'm trying to achieve and half of them are parents-shaped.#everything hurts holy shit#broadcasting my misery#vent#ed tw
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writing winters family torment nexus
#crying shaking trembling i NEED to write some fucking post canon winters family or im going to eat my computer#whiskey yelling into the void
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me: yeah so we haven't had a meeting about it yet, but I asked my coworkers about past interns and why they left; chances are they won't hire me full time at my internship immediately. However, the chances of having it extended are pretty good, and I like what I'm doing, and they're going to be talking about budget in July. Sure my finances are a little tight but--
my sperm donor (only slightly exaggerated): look for a new job immediately and tell them if they won't hire you full time you're leaving. and no, I don't care if you don't find something in your industry and you have to settle for a job that will make you hate being alive even more than you already do. Also I'm going to ignore how long it took you to find this internship to begin with
me:
#dylawa rambles#dylawa rants#this man gives zero fucks about actually seeing me go into what I fucking trained to do he just wants me to make him money#i am literally sick to my stomach right now thinking about job hunting again#'i want to see you successful and happy' okay why are you still charging me rent then#why are you making job hunting even more of a traumatic experience than it already is#literally said to him 'I don't trust my chances of finding a new job within two months' and his response: 'oh well go work customer service#it took me MONTHS to find just this internship and it's a miracle it's paid at all#it's in a nice office with nice people and i have my own computer and they feed me almost daily!#i'll live another six months in this hellhole if it means I get a guaranteed post-internship job like this#is it the ideal job? absolutely the hell not#the commute sucks i don't have work from home so i can't get away with doing other shit on the side#i feel limited in what the role requires of me vs what I'd like to make#but good fuck it's better than food service or retail#but nooooo he needs me to be his little rent cash cow without him feeling guilty about it#very tempted to bail even if it means I start eating through my savings a little bit#I don't know if I can go through the daily interrogations of 'did you apply? why aren't you hearing back? it's your fault' again#i have somewhere to go but I'm trying to keep it very 'last resort' territory#A) it would make my current work commute twice as long#B) it would require completely burning bridges with my old man bc I'd have to move out in secret#not just because i don't want him to know where the people who are sheltering me live#but also because if he saw that place even if he was willingly letting me move out he'd say 'absolutely not'#because I don't trust him not to do something weird. not necessarily DANGEROUS but. weird.#I want to burn all bridges someday!#but even now that I own my car it's still not the safest course of action#I'm so sick of being stuck dawg!#dylawa vents
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