#i am so dumb can't have shit!
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Well, I just realized the Kim or the social system(I'm not calling it a romance system cuz it's not just that) is only drifter centric ...cuz of course it is... Even though there's a friendship option! But noooo...! The tenno can't platonically text apparently!
Fucking hate this stupid festure!
What's the point of having a platonic route if I can't use it for MY TENNO TOO?!?
Ugh.... T-T
At least I have the classic syndicate route...
#warframe#warframe 1999#i just wanted my op to be besties with armir man...#i am so dumb can't have shit!#screaming into the void
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it's so damn sad that i have 500+ of you and no one gives a shit that i am curled up on the floor crying holding my old stuffed cat because it's the only thing that hasn't left me and trying not to have a full on break down and jump out a window, but you will just at the chances to correct my shitty behaviors the moment i even momentarily fuck up. suck my dick/not a threat. jesus christ
i am tired. take what i say tonight with a grain of salt. i can't type due to the fact every ounce of liquid in my body is pouring out through my eyes while i try to convince myself life is worth living.
#kairying in here#im so tired#im so exhausted#i feel like im gonna pass out but my body keeps shaking#i feel like everything i do gets criticized and im so sick of it#let me be a person. let me say shit and regret it on my own god damn terms#do not point it out yes i know what i said what fucked up but i do not care#i am angry. i am tired. i am hurt. and if i hurt you well then maybe you deserve it#because you probably hurt me#you people hurt me so damn much#not all of you#but the ones who know who they are know who they are#of course they're all pussys and have me blocked#dumb fucks#deciding to ghost me and leave me for dead after multiple exhausted work nights telling them how much they matter#bullshit. absolute bullshit. you can't care about anyone without them giving you the finger and leaving you#why do i always need to be left behind?#why am i so undesirable that everyone fucking leaves me?#fuck you. fuck all of this shit#fuck this fuck you tumblr#i give up#im done#i quit. i give up. you win. i am a bad person#i am egotistical and rude and i do not take accountability for my actions#are for you fucking happy?#are you glad that ill be dead by tomorrow? that you'll never need to see my fucking face again?#you win. congrats. you get the honor of seeing me bitch for no one to hear#im sick of this. of all of it#my friends are gone. im “too negative”. fuck that#fuck that and fuck you. go eat shit
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I don't know if this will help any of my fellow writers, but a good friend of mine put some things into perspective for me today, so I wanted to share.
I often wonder why some things of mine get a decent amount of engagement while others do not. Is it the content? Is it the length? Is it not enough snzfuckery? Blah, blah, blah.
My friend writes for a well-known organization in our town and told me that she experiences the same thing with her articles. She says that her most popular article is actually quite bad (lol) and she's not even sure why people love it so much. So, she started running statistics on all of her stuff, literally studied trends, markets, etc. She found that it has absolutely nothing to do with her content at all. It's all timing. Every bit of it. Did the right people see it at the right time? Was there a good amount of traffic on the website at that time?
So, if you feel like your stuff isn't being seen or isn't being commented on enough, sometimes? It's probably the timing more than anything else. Did people reblog it at the time when others will see it? Did you post it when people were actually there to read it?
Just something to think about before you go all "I MUST SUCK!" on yourself. <3
#Listen#I am BAD at taking my own advice okay#The last part of my fic did so poorly#I seriously considered just not posting the 4th part#But who knows why that happened#I have this stupid rule that I can't reblog something more than once#But that is DUMB and I'm about to say “FUCK IT”#I suggest some of you do the same#I miss a LOT of shit#Others probably do as well#BLAH BLAH FUCKING BLAH#YOUR MOM MISSES A LOT SHIT
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I just want it to be tomorrow after work so I can get unfathomably high on edibles and turn off my brain for at least a few days
#i want to be 'can barely form a sentence' high#i want to be so high that I can't think or feel for a while#don't want to think about being alone for another fucking holiday#don't want to think about being alone for the rest of my life#don't want to think about how scared i am of what the next 4 years will bring#don't want to think about all of the people hurting now#don't want to think about how I'm a weak baby for whining about my own problems#don't want to think about no matter how much dumb shit and art supplies i buy I'm still alone#don't want to think about the only person who loved me unconditionally being dead#don't want to think about how scared i am of velma getting sick or hurt because then i won't have anyone#don't want to think about all the things I've done that could bite me in the ass#don't want to think about the horrific inequality here and everywhere and I'm here just one person like an ant on a sand dune#don't want to think about how my desperation to be loved also makes me feel like a greedy asshole when so many have less#don't want to think about how much i want to punch some of my coworkers#don't want to think about the friendly obvious idiot who sent me a tape full of love songs but clearly has no romantic love for me#don't want to think about how hard it is to even find a game to distract myself with#don't want to think about how many of my plants are dead/dying and what a useless gardener i am#don't want to think about my car and how i worry about when it's eventually going to break down#don't want to think about the cysts on my scalp that i need to cut out myself because I can't afford to have it done professionally#don't want to think about how it's probably just a stupid kids daydream that I'm trying to save up for a house#don't want to THINK or FEEL or NEED or WANT i just want to be semi-comatose stoned because it feels like nobody would notice if i were dead#depression#vent
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Tbh I have a lot of complicated feelings about the whole OceanGate thing and I'm not really a fan of how this is being treated as The Evergiven 2, but as it becomes more and more likely that the sub suffered a critical failure and imploded days ago my main thought is that visiting the Titanic's wreck should be in the same category as climbing Mt. Everest; a pointless, unfathomably dangerous, disrespectful excursion that should not be allowed, or at least regulated and reserved for experts who know what they're doing to conduct research and/or matinance.
I mean like at this point I don't even think the average person should know where Titanic is. What is the benefit? All it leads to is death and the disruption and/or potential destruction of a mass gravesite that also doubles as a unbelievably valuable historic artifact that will not be around forever. Why the hell are people just allowed to go down there?? We don't let people go rub their hands all over the Mona Lisa, and that wouldn't even kill anyone, why can billionaires just go tromping around in far more deadly and fragile locations, especially ones where hundreds of people have already died?
But yeah idk there's no real point in adding my input to the discussion and I kinda don't want to comment on it beyond this anyway, but the whole situation sucks and def makes it clear there are simply some things people should not be allowed to do no matter how much goddamn money they have.
#I just do not understand rich people's obsession with going to space and climbing everest and shit like that#you have so much money and the only thing you can think to do with it is get yourself killed for what??#bragging rights???#and we should jusy let you do this even if it's hella disrespectful or destroying things that should be preserved????#I s2g Glass Onion was a fucking prophecy#also don't take this as me saying these people deserve to die I don't have a say in who lives and who dies#and I don't believe in the death penalty#I just am baffled at the lengths rich people will go to for bragging rights#it's like they really do believe the world should bend to their will#and they should be allowed to do whatever they want bcs they have money#and yeah they did have reason to believe this was safe I will not deny that at all#I don't think this is as much of a fuck around and find out thing as people say it is#even poor people put our lives at risk doing dumb shit sometimes#I just think it's like....idk there's a difference between going on a shoddy carnival ride#and thinking you have a right to go see the wreck of the titanic#idk anyway I'm rambling more than anything this is just infuriating and tragic and stupid and I hate it#but we can learn from it at least#and what we should learn is 'you can't just do whatever you want bcs you have money'#people shouldnt be allowed to just put themselves in these sorts of situations#oceangate#titanic#current events
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People talk about fast metabolisms like it's all fun and games and eating whatever you want but they fail to remember that it also means your body is Incredibly Stupid and decides that you become deficient in everything in a couple or so days where it takes most others a week. Or months compared to "oops you forgot to photosynthesize sufficiently :( no i don't care that it has been freezing and overcast for the past week, you didn't absorb enough sun. Perish Badly."
Or at least it would be if i didn't like citrus fruits so much, probably
#glaring at whatever secret brain section is in control of my body resource management. why am i iron deficient again. it has been 2½ days.#and all that has been spent mostly SLEEPING because GUESS WHAT ALSO DOESN'T WORK RIGHT BECAUSE OF METABOLISM.#SLEEP AIDS. LIKE MELATONIN#i have to take a double dose if i want these fucking dumb ass gummies to do anything. otherwise they don't do shit unless I'm already asleep#but guess what? i can't get to sleep :) because another thing in the list of Patch Problems is chronic insomnia. and i can't sleep#so the melatonin does ✨️NOTHING✨️#same goes for pain meds and local anesthetics because my metabolism is so so good at it's job :) when it does not need to be#like bbg we are not poisoned we are at the dentist CALM THE FUCK DOWN??? SO I DON'T FEEL THE DAMN DRILL IN MY TOOTH?????#hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhg#i do not need so many issues stacked on top of eachother#istg i would not have survived in any century before this one. what do you mean i get sickly deficient in things in less time than Normal™️#i can't even drink plain water or it makes me nauseated. body why are you Stupid#patchy rambles#is this slightly incomprehensible? probably#but it is 1 in the morning and i am pissed at my own body for hating me so much and this is My Blog so i put My Problems on it#rgrgrgrgr
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not even gonna tag this properly bc i don't wanna get Involved but i do have some Thoughts i need to get out into the void so here we go
(aaa quick edit: CW for mention/discussion of Boothill leaks)
#today's gone Badly and i'm upset but instead of venting abt it i'm gonna channel that energy into doing a bit of tag rambling abt Boothill#well. less abt Him and more abt uh. self-analyzing my anxiety surrounding contributing to fandoms. he's just today's catalyst#like. i know it's mostly a me thing. i'm hypersensitive to criticism and very conflict avoidant + socially anxious + perfectionistic etc.#so I'm the one that keeps myself from posting more stuff out of fear of being criticized or called-out for what i've made#bc inevitably Someone's gonna see it and think its OOC or a problematic take or they'll misread my intent. etc etc what have you#but like. that's inevitable. there's no way to communicate every single thing with all of the nuance required to avoid misunderstandings#and other times it's not a misunderstanding it's just a difference of opinions and that's Fine!! there's no accounting for personal taste#there's no accounting for several things actually. taste‚ bias‚ lore-knowledge‚ differing levels of chronic-online-ness‚ etc#so this isn't me complaining abt the state of fandom culture (although i do think. sometimes. ppl take shit a bit too seriously)#but anyways all of this is mostly just anxiety-fueled. it's not like i very often actually even receive negative feedback or anything#if anything ppl tend to tell me that i'm overthinking it and killing my own fun and worried that my stuff is more OOC than it is#which like. yeah. Yeah u right :) but that's just the way that i am! always losing the idgaf war i suppose#anyways what's Boothill got to do w this ur wondering. well. i've been thinking abt the quickly emerging concept that he's illiterate.#and it just. has me feeling a lot of ways. and watching ppl disagree over it has me feeling some Bad ways. bc it's def a loaded topic!#if you'll pardon the pun there. and i don't rlly have anything new to add other than that i'm conflicted abt it.#like yeah i saw the leaks days ago. of him mentioning 'not hitting the books' much as a child when we ask him why he sends voice messages#or voice Transcriptions ig. ykwim. and like. *braces for impact* ...i liked it? like. it doesn't feel right to call it endearing#i'm not trying to infantilize him. ok that's not the right word either but ugh. you know? what i mean?? who am i kidding even i don't know#it's not quite right to say that it feels like Representation either. but it's something close i guess#as a southern person myself who didn't receive a 'complete' education due to factors that weren't to do with my intelligence#the concept of seeing him as a capable force to be reckoned with and respected who also happens to have not received much formal education#i like that. i do. but there's so many issues w it at the same time. like. as i said‚ being southern myself has me Wary of the way Hoyo is-#writing him. as well as of the way that the fandom is taking the bits of his lore and running away w them. and i'm Very aware of how ppl-#will see a southern character and be All Too Eager to agree that they're lacking intelligence based on our Redneck™ stereotype#sigh. and before we even go too far with this. it's not even confirmed that hes completely illiterate. which is a valid criticism i've seen#there's Multiple reasons that could make him prefer voice to text. but regardless. i'm just worried that ppl will misconstrue my intentions#like. example: that edit i made the other day of him saying 'no thanks i can't read'. wasn't me playing into the stereotype of-#'haha dumb country boy can't read!' it was. in my eyes. something he'd say as a joke to make light of a potential insecurity#like. i think there's far more depth to Boothill's character if ppl could look past the surface. and i dont wanna contribute to the problem#but sometimes ppl Will have stereotypical traits and i wish the same could apply to characters as long as it's done Thoughtfully.
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I don't know why but I keep having this crazy urge to stream osomatsu-san drawing/working on ososan art that most half of it being hanichi on my part... But I also do have like refs I am working on and I am insane wanting to draw some of the ososan cast of characters but any stream would be on the weekend! Saturday at most and my time zone is Central Daylight Time (edit: I stream on twitch)
check tags for my insane thoughts of chaos!
#smore rambles#tag ramble#i've streamed before but my mic sucks AND YOU WILL HEAR EVERYTHING and I feel weird having mic off cause it would be silent unless music#i've done mic and play music on all past streams#like i use my drawing tablet to redo mistakes and you will hear the clicks i think? and also me drawing on said tablet#i have two wolves one: needs mic on so its not awkward two: mic on forces me to talk which also kills me cause I can't draw and read chat#wait would i get copyrighted if i played ososan music as background noise? Im gonna say yes....#i feel i might also overthink about drawing in front of people who i don't know? but I still do it and hope for the best cause im crazy#hanichi is my safe zone so I know what to draw but I also could just draw the neets and pratice expression or draw shitpost dumb shit?#i am now seeing im complaining about how my stream will go wrong LMAO#I'd probably do a stream on the weekend cause it gives people time to be able to see it and I'd be able to stream for hours without worry#but im just doing this to see cause im crazy guys I just need to know#a stream about drawing ososan WHAT COULD GO WRONG?????
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Slowly going red and having smoke come out of my ears like a cartoon guy as I frantically mutter it's not that serious it's not that serious and try not to type five paragraphs about some dumb mgs opinions I accidentally see. idgaf about any real discourse why the FUCK would you say that. biting you biting you biting you i am doing so fine. this happens twice a day at least.
#yess I knoww that reducing characters to some dumb shit comes with the fandom. I know#but I almost went to get a fucking literature degree I can't be having that you don't get it#I sound like a pretentious prick let it be known I don't have any credentials ever actually but that doesn't matter#kazuhira miller my beautiful princess I am so sorry they've done this to you#to everyone else too but fuckkk#I hate being mean to people. but also hate. in general. can they stop being wrong#hate. let me tell you how much#(<-I haven't even read it my sister just keeps citing it(she hasn't read it either))#faksyan talks#faksyan talks mgs
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anyway this week I leant on my therapist's shoulder and ugly cried for like 10 minutes and as I was leaving I was like 'don't give me that face' and she was like 'I'm just very proud of your progress!' and I'm like 😡😡😡😡😡 THANK YOU 😡😡😡😡😡
#red said#i have cried in therapy before but i am usually always very in control of it#it's a 'tears are running but I'm otherwise normal' kind of crying or occasionally a 'take several deep breaths to pull myself together'#but it's dumb though cause we've talked about some very dramatic shit just fine and today i was just talking about like#my dumb adolescent-type insecurities about not being the kind of Cool And Collected And Exciting Person i want to be#ooooorrrrrr from another angle about how I'm 31 and have built my entire self-conception around being a person Things Happen to#and now at 31 entire years old I'm suddenly trying to figure out what sort of person i am beyond someone who's like#good at being tough and reacting with grace and fortitude to Things Happening At Me.#because Things stopped Happening At Me so much like. 5 years ago now. I'm in a loving relationship i have a stable home#i have a middle class income and great friends and it's been over 6 years since the last time anyone raped me.#my health is better than its ever been. both physical and mental. i am safe and i am loved and i am good at my job#so i can't really keep operating on a self concept where the only thing that i value in myself is the ability to survive#bc like I'm NOT surviving I'm GOOD. i can get what i want and be who i want. what the FUCK do i WANT??????????????
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Me: boy go to your mother for flexibility lessons.
#for real though I was amazed by you even as kids#I'm just like...well I'm strong#she took a ride on that 18 year old rooster leg#muscles and bulges either way you were enjoying yourself#and no I would have to say anyone that tried against us failed#I can't even remember how it gushed extra after it started up#me¡ is she pushing harder?¡?#fun and dream is all there is inside of your spirit#your name can be generated so nicely#mine always sounds like a tribute to Spanish pirates or some jew they hung on a cross#no birthmarks on me though *shrugs*#I wanna lick that mole on youe hip though#it was so bewildering your flesh matching mine#interesting that mom would have recognized you perhaps at that point#I like how when I process something new it ripples through my dumb fleah bound brain#is it strange even as children I wanted you to wear the spiked dog collar even though you were playing Penny#your hair lightened up from tree to shoe#I was like look at this cute pretty girl#dirty blond hair to match the dirt on her face#we got dirty as children it was the way of the land#sugar sand and micro granules of that black shit#I love how you got the GoDDaddy Everetts view on things#I am curious how bad you had mom's friend and daughter under your control#it is so weird how you need control (mommy is a lil' freak) and yet I feel like I have nothing worth giving#maybe you asked to hold it once while I peed#it was us and back then *shrugs* it was pre sexualized exercises if exploring#when you squat and pee and I'm like don't you need to wipe and you're like nah I'll be alright#we both have visions of Grandpa's present as we put the caterpillar into the coffee can#maybe it was already a cocoon#rusty ass old maxwell house that hasn't seen freah coffee since we were in diapers
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I feel so dumb, what the fuck am I doing
#mara talks shit#jesus fuck im so dumb#i can't deal with this like what am i?? a teenager#having some feelings maybe a crush sucks#in another universe you wear my picture in your wallet
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Go off queen
It's your blog and you should be able to talk about whatever you want after all
aww thank you 🥺 i appreciate it <33
i do really not like spreading negativity esp when it's on a topic i have strong feelings about, and let's say the D.A fandom especially tends to be. extreme about the way it reacts to people disagreeing with them.
And look. I'm not immune to it because sometimes i get caught up by the genuinely rancid vibe in the fandom as well, and i think those games are designed for us to have strong feelings to start with.
but it also means i don't want to go too deep into controversial thoughts because i genuinely don't want to get to a point where i'll see someone screenshot my posts to dunk on it and say i'm the reason media literacy is dead and why the fandom is so toxic (citing things i've actually seen on said blog, for instance though not directed at me but at takes i've seen taken out of context. except i knew the context so knew this was a bad faith argument.).
Like can't even dislike shits in peace in here.
#sorry this is probably my most solas moment but i try to be kind and stuff#and when i discuss things level headed with people i do think i'm pretty humble#i don't think i have the ultimate readings and i am likely super wrong about things all the time#because analysis remains also an emotional approach and it can't be helped#and i need to hold on to this humility to not get caught on in my own head#analysis is also pretty much shapped by experience and i do not have the final reading on things#and sometimes things can be decent in one way but fumble another#and what will be important to not fumble will be different from one person to the next#depending to the themes that resonated with you to start with#but when i see people dunk on feelings i have while taking them out of context and also being rude about it#and then saying 'media literacy is dead'#i feel myself turning into a pride demon on the spot#sorry i only have two literature analysis diplomas i graduated from in two languages with praises for my analytic skills#and with a teacher genuinely begging me to continue advanced literature analysis classes because my approach was rare and precious#so clearly i don't know what i'm talking about at all and i'm the idiot here#like holy shit. lol.#this fandom is still the one i dislike the most and alas the fact i dislike the 4th game doesn't help#bc i really was hopeful and optimistic about it! i didnt want to dislike it!!!!#but i at least don't want to be taken for an idiot for it#but coughs. anyway. so that's one of the reason i'm not petty on main#the real reason is i don't want to impose that on my followers. I don't like being negative needlessly.#the second reason is that if i'm met with hostility where someone act like i'm dumb i will do things i will regret.#It's just that no one saw this side of me there most time because you've all been nice to me here#again. this is my solas moment. one of the reasons my therapist goes 😬 when i talk about him#ichareply#anonymous#ichasalty
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I find it very ironic how the same cultish looser that shuns people based on who they're friends with because she genuinely thinks if you believe something you can't have human interactions or treatment to those who believes otherwise..... will preach hard and proud against harassment for people's headcanons, ships and takes whereas being friends with the person who did harass people's headcanons, ships and takes. But why rules are always only for their victims and never for them? What's so hard about following what you preach? Go ahead, disown this person and be mean to everyone who still likes them and want to give them a chance, you SHOULD by the terms that YOU'VE chosen! But you won't, you'll rather cover their ass and pretend you haven't seen the evidence, to save the face, because should you ever admit a mistake you'll explode from the notion of not being so "holy". PEAK L0garius and Alfred behavior.
#/vagueblogging#regardless of what is your stance on 'tell me who is your friend and I'll tell who you are'#i think we all can agree that a person should should should SHOULD!!!! practice what they preach#also feel slightly guilty about this comparison because MY L0garius is different lol#he's just a messy hermit that picked up long historical grudge#but there is 'personal interpretation' and 'general vibe'. they're logarius and alfred.#he definitely preaches shit and then covers his allies who go against this shit#average cleric L yeah#also I am still mad at 'she lovebombed me and then stopped after learning I'm friends with alfred!!!'#okay first: thanks for admitting that my attention was so crucial for you I am most flattered#second: unlike you who BLOCKS people for answering asks from me to shun the non-believer I-#-don't mind who people are friends with#and I 'stopped' because your blog changed from multi-character to a ship I don't see#you who blocks people for shipping a thing instead of just blocking ship tag must understand???#regardless of what anyone dislikes in my personality at least I can't get accused of hypocrisy#ugh.#you fools BETTER have an excuse that you babysit alfred and teach them to not harrass#because then this breaks all thinkable levels of hypocrisy and this is just dumb
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Zonai? you mean walking retcons?
#I hate the zonai#this blog is anti zonai#Like what. now zelda's powers. All of the zelda's powers come from the zonai?? not the triforce or even hylia?!#fuck that#i hate it#seriously#ive seen theories that the golden goddesses and hylia were zonai too and like. that's a fine idea to have. it makes sense given the retcons#but i hate it so much#you can't just come in here and be like 'these creatures that existed for one game are now the most important thing in the series'#fuck offfffffff#i think the reason i hate botw and totk the most is the abandoning of the heart of the series#both gameplay wise and lore wise#loz had a shit ton of magic and fantasy and stuff and now it's all 'ancient civilization... secretly advanced???' sksw isn't immune to this#either unfortunately#i've been thinking about oot lately. i miss you oot lore. i miss you.#anyway tldr zonai and totk retcons are dumb#and as far as i am concerned totk lore doesn't exist#there are no zonai#now i know how ppl who hate hylia due to lore retcons (not other dumb shit) feel#totk spoilers#i guess?#raven croaks#totk neg#totk salt#there. you can't say i didn't tag it
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so anyway, thanks for reading my little dissertations on byan's gender. sorry for not writing again today, i'm just. i'm fuckin goin through it rn man
#'it' being... *gestures vaguely*#i stumbled across this series of yt shorts yesterday (all by the same creator) that really fuckin resonated with me#and i mean that in the most serious way like. it spoke to me. never have i related to someone talking about their experiences more.#talking about their life growing up undiagnosed autistic & adhd... being in treatment for anxiety & depression for decades...#i can't really explain it but good god it's most exactly my same experience and i just. i have never felt that before.#it was so... idk. it sounds so dramatic bc it's literally a comedy short but holy shit#they verbalized things that I haven't been able to and#fuck. I felt seen and I felt like I wasn't alone in this miserable weird non-functioning barely even a human place I'm in rn#and just. idk. I'm still kinda processing some of it.#once again I am thinking back over my life and realizing things and it's. heavy. and tiring.#but like. in an ultimately positive way bc it's gonna help me change things & get to a better place.#I'm rambling IGNORE ME writing it out helps me process ig and for whatever reason posting on my dumb writing blog is easier than journaling#just. once again thank u all sfm for ur patience with me. it means SO much to me. genuinely.#you have no idea how much and I can't put it into words but. slow as I am... writing here with all of you is one of the few reasons#that I'm still kicking. and I'm just. so very grateful to every last one of you.#ok I'm gonna shut up before I get even more sappy and emotional lmfajdkgksg#love you guys. hope you're taking care of yourselves. 💜💜💜#━━ ˟ ⊰ ✰ ooc ⋮ don’t @ me.#personal cw
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