#i am only 23 this is not a deficit i am not stuck i am CHILLING. there’s a difference between being stuck and chilling

[livvyofthelake]

being in your early 20s not as bad when you remember that it’s not even illegal to read girls middle grade books as an adult. you can literally still always read girls middle grade books whenever you want forever… shout-out to girls middle grade books fr!!!!

[ray-talks]

9/6/23

i fasted all day and walked over 30k steps.

as per. my last post, i have decided to begin tracking my liquid calories, and limit them to under 300 a day. today, i had around 175 calories, and i burnt over 1,000 calories, so it is quite the deficit. i want to be more mindful, and hopefully that'll lead to greater weight loss.

today, my thoughts were discordant, ringing like bullets in the air, and i contemplated many things. i had therapy, and that made me think that i am merely wasting my therapist's time, especially as i have essentially given up on recovery. in therapy, we are discussing about making friendships, but at this point, i feel that i do not want to forge any friendships. i cannot afford anyone getting close to me. i am already likely to cause great pain and suffering to those who care about me -- whether it be that i pass away, or that my secrets come out. not to mention, i am awful at making friends, so why bother?

sometimes i find that i am lonely. but i also realize that i chose this loneliness. if i truly wanted to, i could reach out to those i love, but i don't. it's as if i have a life raft in an ocean, and yet i do not cling to it, and i allow myself purposefully to drown. i am privileged but i toss that into the wind. i don't know how anyone could help me -- if i even wanted help.

there's something deeply wrong with me. i am often sad and empty, yet i am unable to cry. the hole inside of me is so steep and endless; the only thing i can do is to dig and dig further, because the light no longer reaches me, and if the only thing i can do is dig, i might as well find rock bottom. this need to harm myself feels so ingrained within me, that i am utterly hopeless to it. so i realize that i have to end things, because i have no idea what else i would do.

if all of this fails, what am i left with? i can't face that, so it leaves me with only one choice. i am so scared of failing, that i won't be able to lose enough weight fast enough, or that i'll get caught. because there is nothing that i could do -- i'd be stuck. therefore, i pray for myself, that i'll be able to accomplish my goal. there's nothing i desire more.

if you read all of this, i am sorry, and i wish you a good day.

[cassi-heart]

I need help please...

THIS IS GOING TO BE LONG I’M SO SORRY!!

Okay so I am writing this in the hope that I am going to be able to fine people to give me advice, or tips, or whatever to help me sort through all the shit that’s going on in my head. I am also going to see a professional that can help me through therapy or whatever I am going to need, because honestly, these last few years has been really complicated... Now, in this text I am going to talk about sex and sexuality and private parts so beware.

About me first and foremost: I am a 23 year old girl studying in 3D animation, with a diagnostic in attention deficit disorder (Inattention with some impulsive tendencies, NO hyperactivity). I am only now discovering more about my diagnostic, finding out in the process that ADD people do have self-esteem issues, which I have because honestly my self-esteem can be pretty dam low, especially when I do art (which I love doing). The lack of organisation, being extremely forgetful, the difficulty of managing big tasks, or simply keeping up with my chores are all things that I have difficulty with. But I can manage, I can easily find ways to help me. Hell I managed to do all the chores one afternoon because I stuck a bunch of post-its around the house with my chores written on them! My ADD isn’t the problem right now, my questions about my sexuality is...

I did have a boyfriend once, only one, last year... and it lasted 3 months before we broke it off. It was mutual, we were both crying, although I was crying less than him. Looking back, I can sort of tell that I wasn’t really invested into the relationship. I was giddy thinking about going out on dates at first, enjoying talking with him and holding hands and the occasional hugs, but when kissing came into play? I was fine with a peck on the lips, but I was more uncomfortable when it came to a more open mouth kiss, and kissing with the tongue, while it never happened, grossed me out just thinking about it. From what I could tell, my ex was a very touchy person, with the hugs and the kisses, and for some reason really liked my butt ( which was weird in my opinion, and was hyper-aware every time he touched my butt and I could only concentrate on that...). Even when we were texting he was really invested into the conversation and looking back I felt that I was lying, sometimes I was outright lying, and I think I did mostly to spare him from my lack of interest. I couldn’t even say “I love you” to him. Being bilingual in french/english I was able to say “Je t’aime” which in french it means both like and love, but I was never able to say that I loved him...

After my relationship with him, I can tell that the small part of a relationship do somewhat interest me. The pecks, the hugs, the cuddles, the hand holding, all the simple simple stuff. But I have never felt the NEED to be in a relationship, and I don’t see the hurry to be in one either. I don’t really know how to explain it either. I don’t know if I’m just uninterested or haven’t found someone worth it or whatever. The only interest in a relationship that I can tell I definitely have is with all my OTPs in all the fandoms that I’m in...

And now for my sexuality, I think that I might be asexual...? From what I can tell from the research that I have done, an asexual is someone that doesn’t experience sexual attraction, and I don’t think I do... Well I don’t even know if I have the most basic attraction because I can tell when someone is pretty/handsome but that’s it. My train of thought stop right there. But back to the sexual aspect of things for now because it’s the one I have questions for. While I never had sex before and am a complete and utter virgin, I have read lemon/smut/porn or however you want to name it, whether it’s classified at Mature or Explicit. I have read Hentai before too, and I don’t mind talking about it either even though I might turn red, but honestly I once talked about BDSM with my Mom and 20 y-o sister over the dinner table. But even if I am fine reading about it, watching porn or me doing sex, I don’t really see myself doing either. While I have touched myself a little bit while reading porn, just the though of sticking anything into my private parts creeps me out so much!! I don’t even want to think about tampons and I can totally see myself using pads for the rest of my life.

Despite everything I might read on the internet, I can’t help thinking about things along the lines of “how do you know you don’t like sex if you haven’t had any” and “maybe you just haven’t found the right person to be with”. I can’t help thinking them because I was only in ONE relationship that lasted 3 months. And I am scared that I am going to grow up alone, the forever bridesmaid while all my friends gets married and I’ll be a crazy lady with multiple dogs. I am worried that in the over sexual society I won’t be able to find someone to be with because they’ll all want sex and I wont. From the book on ADD that I read it says that my diagnostic can cause problems in a relationship due to the forgetfulness and the lack of organisation, and I don’t know if it’s my low self-esteem talking or not... but with everything going on with only these 2 aspects of my life, am I ever going to be able to find someone to love me? Or will on my bagage just drive everyone away?

[magnetictapedatastorage]

New York has adopted a law banning more than 15 days in solitary confinement, and is set to become one of the first US states to fall in line with the UN's Mandela Rules, which define extended solitary as torture.

Full article under the cut.

Imagine if you had to spend years alone in a tiny cell within earshot of others screaming in mental anguish? That is what solitary confinement is like in many US detention facilities that don't limit the use of isolation.

Candie Hailey, a mother two, has lived through this.

She was sent to Rikers Island Jail in New York in 2012, accused of attempted murder. The charge was later dropped.

"I walked right into hell" says Ms Hailey. "The cell was like an elevator you are stuck in for 24 hours."

In Rikers, she says she was accused by guards of minor infractions of the jail rules, and ended up being kept in an isolation cell for three years. Ms Hailey, whose wrists are deeply scarred, became suicidal.

"All you're thinking about is trying to kill yourself. I swallowed pills. I cut my arms," she says.

The numbers in solitary in America, estimated at over 60,000 before the pandemic, have exploded due to Covid as many prisons have confined inmates to their cells.

[Candie Hailey spent years in solitary]

Solitary confinement - or segregation as it is officially known - was designed to separate the most dangerous prisoners from others and to keep vulnerable prisoners safe on a temporary basis.

But in America, solitary is used more widely, and not just for Covid quarantine.

Inmates who have committed minor rule violations, many of whom are mentally ill, are often also put in isolation cells, sometimes at length.

Solitary confinement, which was condemned as a dangerous practice in the 1890s in the US, was reintroduced on a large scale after the murder of two prison officers by inmates in Marion, Illinois in 1983, with the advent of "Supermax" prisons, and with the introduction of Secure Housing Units - units where prisoners are segregated.

"Solitary confinement is utilised for tens of thousands of people for years at a time" says Homer Venters, former Chief Medical Officer for the New York City jail system.

This, in spite of strong medical evidence that solitary confinement can cause severe psychological distress.

"I have had many patients who very quickly develop problems with auditory hallucinations, or even visual hallucinations", says Mr Venters.

"It's because all the elements of humanity - the ability to talk to people, the ability to interact with people, the ability to know what time it is - are being stripped away," he says.

[RICHARD ROSS PHOTOGRAPHY]

Billy Blake, a convicted murderer, has been housed in a small cell on his own for 34 years in prisons in upstate New York. He said inmates regularly throw excrement, bang on their doors or scream all night.

He says he has had to consciously stop himself from losing his mind.

"I've seen mentally ill people rock back-and-forth, back-and-forth. I've started rocking - and then I've caught myself. This is what crazy people do," he says.

"Next thing you know, they're playing with faeces or urinating on the floor. I didn't want that to happen to me."

It is the prison administrators and not the courts in the US that decide if a prisoner is sent to solitary, and for how long. In many cases this can be the difference between sanity or insanity - or even between life and death.

Studies suggest that those held in solitary are six times more likely than other inmates to kill themselves, and that even a year after release they are at a higher risk of suicide.

[RICHARD ROSS PHOTOGRAPHY]

Six years after her release from solitary, Candie Hailey, who also alleges she was raped in solitary, has been diagnosed with severe depression and post traumatic stress disorder. She still wants to kill herself.

"If I commit suicide it is because of solitary," she says.

Abuse by guards in solitary confinement is common in solitary, according to inmate accounts and to those who have worked on solitary units.

Rikers Island jail would not comment on Ms Hailey's case.

If solitary confinement can destroy her, a previously functioning and mentally healthy adult, what does it do to children?

Solan Peterson, a 13-year-old boy, with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder [ADHD], set fire to a rubbish bin at school near Shreveport, Louisiana one Friday in February 2019. He was taken to a juvenile detention centre and, after misbehaving there, was put in a solitary cell.

His father, Ronnie Peterson, was allowed to see him a few days later.

"I could talk to him through a little bitty four-inch window", said Mr Peterson.

"You could tell it was kind of breaking him down, being by himself. He had been punching the wall and his knuckles I remember were a little bit bruised."

[Solan Peterson]

Mr Peterson was told Solan would soon be released, but after five nights in solitary, the boy was still in his cell.

"I got a phone call at two o'clock in the morning saying that he was dead", says his father.

Solan had hanged himself at the age of 13.

"You kind of go numb," says Mr Peterson. "We had no inkling that he was ever going to hurt himself. I mean he was a normal teenage boy."

Solitary confinement for juvenile offenders has been banned in federal prisons in the US but in many state and local facilities - including juvenile detention centres - isolation is routinely used.

Solan's grave stands near Shreveport, with his ice hockey stick planted in the ground next to it.

Changes to the use of solitary confinement are coming slowly across America and efforts at reform face strong opposition.

New York's new law will not take effect for a year, and Governor Andrew Cuomo has signalled his intent to negotiate changes to it.

Photo requests from solitary confinement

Life after solitary confinement

New York City has banned solitary in adult facilities for inmates under the age of 22, a measure now set to be adopted state wide. The new law also bans solitary confinement entirely for several groups, including minors and people with certain disabilities.

But city corrections officers oppose the reforms, and call them reckless.

"It's only spiked the violence in the jails," says Benny Boscio, president of New York's Corrections Officers Benevolent Association.

"We are given a bad rap that we are monsters abusing inmates," he says. "But what do we do with the inmate that cuts another across his face, that disfigures a corrections officers ?"

Mr Venters says there are alternatives to confining an inmate to a cell for 23 hours a day.

[Homer Venters, the former Chief Medical Officer for the New York City Jail System]

"I've been in many prison settings where people come out of their cells for several hours a day. They may engage in programming and even interaction with others. But it's in a way that's secure."

WATCH: Solitary confinement in the US

Back in upstate New York, Billy Blake has recently heard some life changing news. After 34 years in solitary he is to be allowed out to live with other prisoners.

"I feel almost like in going home!" he laughed loudly as he related the news on the crackly line from his cell. "It feels like I am returning to the human race! I'm mad excited! I'm smiling all day".

Billy will soon be living with others but many thousands of inmates in America face years more alone in their cells, trying to hold on to their sanity.

[usashirtstoday]

Vikings If You Don't Believe In Violence Get Ready To Hide Behind Someone Who Does T Shirt

I she and what basket shotgun glaze and in an online will will will and Mina are stored at entrée which I is because activity sheets will be as cheer at least it’s ringing in my the and bundled window displays a Vikings If You Don't Believe In Violence Get Ready To Hide Behind Someone Who Does T Shirt Christmas the have a team Christmas for me I read in a green Christmas in this so in the man in the nose. One John like a demon to pay less never forget the day for a couple of reasons the day started off in the firing of Bob Knightand ended with the Raiders coming back from a 21 point deficit to beat the Colts 90 still donned the Raiders return Sunday night at the RCA gone management company coming off a finally 63 section 137 Manning droppedand on Manning interception return for CD only four games 33 Raiders 29 third quarter Manning are on the ball the younger Mike Harrisand Helen Harrison see his feet in the two point conversion no good the Raiders let it funny to fit the home riding down 2318 Manning interception of the year that will retain rings in this one discussed in Manning face tells it all 23 the finaland Brown seven catches for about 45 3100 yard game of the year the answer to all of last season an important Manning nine this season have been returned for touchdowns including the play of the Raiders are now fineand one lifetime on the road against the Colts against the cold Sunday night just the Manning down fast losing playand then Jim Brown to be in the was one set up another school who knows what any of that means Manning get the goals in the game with two scoring passes the Marvin Harrison number 88 first was by design the other remarkably improvised by by mailing the foldsand you can get it tomorrowand you again for being surprised in the leg since 1988 the first time proving it along as a quarterback when you wear dress of a patriot what was your reaction when they said that they were going to make it defensive back I love playing quarterbackand I really felt like I was good enough to play National Football Leagueand he will be a quarterback I think the other thing is as I was smart enough to realize that having never played the position you have to go to National Football League training camp at the University Delawareand all of a sudden put on a different set itself as a different homeand go play defenseand a chance to make the football team work responded as the feeling that was the right thing Gannon did make the Minnesota Vikings as a quarterback despite flashes ofand availability to match the prototype of a full time starter like you had that season when you were 11and five take the team to the playoffsand they put into Sean Salisbury was about of the disaster having we developed a pretty good thing there in Minnesotaand I worked a long time to earn the respect of the out lineand the guys around meand to great start rate threeand I sat down at halftime against Cleveland_00 Denny Green never even came to me to tell me that I was employed second offense according me Symphony goes on to win the football gameand then the next week I never came to meand tell me was the start of the week I just think it was handled very well in our relationship there just deteriorated in the following years of the Kansas City is a mystery you can sit to take the team in the playoffsand then Alastair did you ever get a sense then rested is going on here I just all I wanted was a coat to believe in me to give me an opportunity to start week oneand see what I can do about through the course of the seasonand forcefully for me to take a while but I found that guy John Grudenand the Oakland Raiders not all is in back is like every disk describe your your meeting with John Gruden when you finally decided that our right to go with the Raiders this is the guy will play for well is a pretty interesting visitand we went to some Mexican join I would someone my favorite placesand we talked for a couple hoursand from there I guess it was time to entertain meand so is what would you want to do I guess there is an opportunity go to Warriors game at a little banquet or to stop at a 7 Elevenand pick up a sixpack of beer go back to his officeand was found so I chose the latter we went back in the we watch practice fell game fell we watched film until late into the nightand we started talk about the offenseand Rich want to keep talking footballand so I just as his enthusiasm game rich watching of one the ball okay they are separated by only two years of age 2 guys crazy about trying not to drive you crazy doing rich reruns of these have all this up is down off the throne we interviewed John about Rich is the most miserable person I have ever metand that’s what I love about you bicycle me Philly cabdriver I think he realizes I played a game with a certain chip on my shoulder I feel the way that I’ve been slighted by the National Football League on the long shotand I feel like I’ve lasted because had that Philly swagger that Rocky Countyand I think I use that to help me formand how the claim as me a lot of myself some ways that not see him have very little tolerance for anything but perfection of any let him know right away on the go down with you to fly together in the one the great competitors that the maybe I’ll ever have a chance to be around is a true that you had all of videogames taken out of the locker room because you felt was a distraction together some truth to that in fact my first visit to the facility I know I was getting the tourand can find this rumors a full table near the newest video games as I was shocked I really want one of the players have time to do this while lunch time in a civil land they want to fumble and if you work at IBM today have a play room at the last time I just went in there one dayand I took all the old stuff out there that the pool ballsand physically you get yourself a full open the boxand to my lockerand then that’s all that I took it that fed upon the come see meand unfortunately couple guys that come see me as we can set think that we need balls back but you know it’s amazing as it is those same guys that came to meand said that it along with her for about is that throughout a quarterbackand head coach are strict on preparation they don’t necessarily keep the same hours as honestly as possible be at workand I think he’s in there about 415 in the morning so I came one morning in the front of the there’s nobody around thereand think in him losing this opportunity to fail my work area left at 7 o’clockand so I looked up into the corner office there was a light on inside the silhouette when you get in on so I just looked for something to it is sentences so you are throwing rocksand jumpstarted what is superior gender can want to help me out was once think so may make a system was handed the keys to the offense Rich Gannon has gone the two straight programsand led the Raiders to the AFC championship think in your life is your biggest both my legacy is that I came inand still leadership in sizeand the team that I was downand outand I’m not to take all the credit but when I was with Kansas City we consistently gave those guys awoke to the belief in Kansas City that play with those guys kept the game close want to make a mistakeand they quitand I came there I made sure that everyone that they knew that so she felt about the Raidersand will will take them to work harderand to take to get the next level so that would be the case anymore in fact Rich Gannonand the Raiders beat the Chiefs for straight time now in his corner of Philly long shot has become the Raiders shot for an NFL type you believe the man I think that when your quarterback is nothing more important than to know that you got hit close the believing is gonna stick with you through thickand thinand always refer back to the piece that you guys did with Ron Jaworskiand Dick for me onand you know Jaworski shows interception comes this outline the thousand that they listen you my guy not to take yeah Americans are a blessing that piece really stuck them in my something I’ve always wanted in a head coldand theand never really had the 13 general national football league with Johnand a leader will is one of have that relationship believes in the in the to give me a chance to from different Raiders off last week enjoying freaking week. THAT AND THEN THERE LIKE YOU KNOW I’M I’M KIND OF BUT I’M KIND OF LIKE THAT I JUST LIKE A TOTAL CENTRIST I WAS KIND OF THE MIDDLE OF THAT DISCO LIKE I I WANT ATHEISM BY ITSELF I WANT ANYTHING EXTRA YEAH I YOU KNOW DURING THE WHOLE DEBATE THAT WHOLE DEBATE MAY BE QUEASY TO BECAUSE YOU KNOW EVEN THOUGH I REALLY AM A LIBERAL WHICH IS FUNNY IS A LOT OF INTERNET LEFTIST LAKES GOLF THE TERM LIBERAL EXTERNAL ALL THOUGHT WE HAD WASH ON OUR SHOW A BUNCH OF TIMES SAID IT’S FUNNY SO FAR AWAY MEET NEXT REFUELING AND BEYOND WITH VARSITY DIETS THAT YOU WANT TO ARGUE WITH BOSCH NO NO I SEE TO SEE WHAT DIVORCE DOES TO PEOPLE WHO ARE AND I ACTUALLY HAVE I DON’T ACTUALLY HAVE A LOT OF THINGS THAT I DISAGREE WITH HIM ON HIS TESTING PERSON BECAUSE HE HAS SO FAR IT IS VERY STRONGLY A LEFTIST I NOT A LEFTIST IN THE TRADITIONAL YOU SAY YOU’RE A LIBERAL OR PROGRESSIVE YES I’M I’M A LIBERAL PROGRESSIVE I WOULD NOT CONSIDER MYSELF TO BE A LEFTIST HOWEVER I FIND MYSELF AGREEING WITH DAMN NEAR 99

Source: Vikings If You Don't Believe In Violence Get Ready To Hide Behind Someone Who Does T Shirt

Vikings If You Don't Believe In Violence Get Ready To Hide Behind Someone Who Does T Shirt, Hoodie, Sweater, Longsleeve T-Shirt For Men and Women

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I see in what basket shotgun glaze and in an old man will will and Mina are stored at entrée which I is I because activity sheets and will be in as cheer at least it’s ringing in my he and bundled window displays a Vikings If You Don't Believe In Violence Get Ready To Hide Behind Someone Who Does T Shirt Christmas see have a team Christmas for me I read in a green Christmas in this so in the hands of nose. All you know is not meant to be offensive to some demise this this is not just for Moses for everybody going especially in the season in our countryand our world Psalm 3144 be brave the strong don’t give up expect God to get your expectation expectation is the breeding ground of the miraculousand I think that with the new industries in the season number what you’re going to paint your heart ache matter what hurt my what you’ve lost access God through because has never failed is not to start with your was the next week or two more the next one I want you to give it to us because your mom epitomize this exactly so has a date with me I never her know I heard nobody nobody hardware was anotherand on letters so nice to me she is she’s not with us any moreand moreand right now than ever have on to see the end that you my my mom only had an seventh grade education her father said you have to quit school to help with pick cotton in the fieldand she was married at the age of 16 she had her first baby at 17 with four more to followand I’m sure to sound Mary Jason life is just really really hard that you never knew itand here’s this beautiful lady she she was a survivor she was hard worker she lives her her childrenand she would give you the shirt off of her back is a large family she was just the most precious woman that he with me she never met a stranger not she loved which will alwaysand aloha all the son in law to make them get out of the recliner whenever I came over the houseand I was also there is your easier to those growing up we were orand I appreciate that so niceand she saying she said you don’t have an 80 to look like 1 million now forget I was in junior highand it was back in the day where guests Dean Finch about culture the coverage why I know we can affordand suggests we lady knowing that I wantedand she wanted me to have aand how she did it I don’t know how she did this but she must went to Salvation Army CMIS went to Goodwilland she found they found the most undesirable you could probably wear gas engine proteins label often as she instantly got by me jeans from Walmart are good mail where we can affordand she was found in his labels onto the sceneand awareness to school not knowing anythingand just feeling proud but that’s him another way she was a wonderful ladyand wavelength you hit it to the second guess it wasn’t until later on it wasn’t until later on actually we were separatedand here I found myself in a single single mom on where trading in activities backand forth I’m letting them all I’m working I’m going to school it was hardand it will not matter all be set up that gave me such a deep appreciation for what she was the season they gave me a deep appreciation all because you never quit on us you never gave up on us I think off the quote successful mothers are not the ones who’ve never struggled there the ones who never give up despite the struggle I think you have epitomize that later mom epitomize that I love you so probably we see that I willand this it is the pills right into the word of God is the Scripture that often use them throughout this whole season is second Timothy chapter 4 verse five assesses but I want you to keep your head no matter what happens don’t give up when times are hard work to spread the good news do everything God has given you do each of us has a job during the seasonand and it is not to give up its to move forward is to keep going as the no matter what your stroke my hope is that this weekend while were given these points were having fun were laughing that that you will build the strength to just keep going despite the stroke Jesus never said you were in a struggle he said in this world you will have trouble. In our Cleveland operation they pivoted from as you’d said the Q tip style swab to a slob it’s been a have a plastic stick with a polyester tip so that they can be assembled into these kits are Cleveland team is done a wonderful job with this and I’m very they’re very excited to be able to help in this effort to thank you Mr Pres Mr present thank you Larry Marlowe CVS health and was just over a month ago that we opened up our first I drive through a test site I and since that time we have opened large scale testing facilities across five states in partnership with the administration and working with the governors of Rhode Island Massachusetts Connecticut Georgia in Michigan and these sites are enabling us to test approximately 1000 individuals a day with our real time results we now have a capacity to test about 35 000 individuals each each week and this afternoon we announced plans to expand that capacity even further I beginning in May we will install testing capabilities I and up to 1000 CVS pharmacies will See Other related products: shirts and shirt

[thisdaynews]

Anthony Crolla: Sparring, fighting, persevering and retiring

New Post has been published on https://thebiafrastar.com/anthony-crolla-sparring-fighting-persevering-and-retiring/

Anthony Crolla: Sparring, fighting, persevering and retiring

Anthony Crolla is set to call time on his career after 13 years as a professional

The bell sounds and there are three minutes on the clock. This is the final round Anthony Crolla will ever spar as a professional boxer. One more time around.

There have been thousands of these three-minute segments since he put gloves on roughly 23 years ago. Each segment and its consequent sweat-soaked learning added up to deliver a world title, sold-out arenas and an adoring fan base. There were also a few lows thrown in to boot.

“I am in love with the sport and that’s why it’s so hard to let go,” he tells BBC Sport.

This Saturday, when he faces Spain’s Frank Urquiaga for the WBA continental lightweight title at the same Manchester Arena he frequented for fights as a kid, he will have to let go.

Fight number 45 will be his last for the 32-year-old.

Crolla loses titles to Lomachenko

‘This is it, the final one’

Love, the end and no emotion

Crolla worked for 12 rounds with three opponents in his final sparring session as a professional

“Catch the right hand, come back with the uppercut. Good Anthony, good, good feet, be smart when you’re coming in,” bellows Crolla’s trainer Joe Gallagher.

Crolla spars 12 rounds against three men on rotation. He pumps sweat, his shirt stuck to his sodden torso.

Some might find an environment in which men and women stand arms folded to watch punches fly a little odd. Crolla has been part of such setups since the age of eight. Others in the gym – including world super-middleweight champion Callum Smith – look similarly at home.

“I remember my dad taking me to the gym,” adds Crolla. “I can remember my first spar, my first fight, I’ve been in love with boxing since.

“I’ve thought about this being the last fight but also thought that I can’t think about it being the last. I’d get emotional and nine times out of 10 in boxing you can’t fight on emotion. I will get as emotional as I want afterwards.

“I think I will struggle a bit [afterwards] and I have to prepare as best as I possibly can. It’s not a fear, it’s more a realisation and acceptance.

“There will probably be times where I will be in the gym and think ‘should I go again?'”

Risk, raucous and a rollercoaster ride

Crolla embraced trainer Joe Gallagher after stopping Darleys Perez to win a world title in 2015

“He keeps running, Anthony, he thinks he’s got it on points,” says Gallagher, who wants his fighter to chase in this final sparring round to mimic trying to close any deficit on fight night.

Peering through his head guard Crolla is wide eyed and barely blinks, such is his focus. He is, right now, a man lost in his craft. Few things in his life after boxing will occupy a moment in such an intense way.

It will leave a void countless boxers have struggled to ever fill. Crolla’s wife Francesca has asked him if he wants to fight on, while some of those closest to him feel he is exiting at the right time.

The man himself knows the risks all too well. His 2012 points win over Kieran Farrell led to the then 22-year-old collapsing in the ring and having to retire from the sport with life-changing injuries.

Fast forward to tragic deaths in the ring this year and the necessity of a well-timed exit plan is clear.

“It certainly hits home,” he says. “I have been in fights where careers have ended. That plays very hard on me. When something happens now it comes flashing back. We all know the risk we take.”

Crolla’s own brush with near-tragedy occurred outside the ring when he was hit with a concrete slab while confronting burglars at his neighbours’ home in 2014. He was said to be “lucky to be alive”.

He had spent two years rebuilding from back-to-back defeats to finally secure a world title shot, only for his good neighbourly act to prompt a postponement.

Some seven months later he returned to draw his title shot, before winning a rematch with Darleys Perez. Footage shows the contorted faces of young men bellowing encouragement during his ring walk on a raucous November night.

“A rollercoaster, a rollercoaster,” is his summation of two decades in the sport. “A lot more highs than lows thankfully. I think it’s a bit of a one off. Not many people have had the career I have had.

“I don’t mean what I have achieved but the ups, downs and ups again. It’s something I am going to find hard to let go, but I’ve got to.

“There are things I would change but everything happens for a reason and I am so thankful to have had the career I have had.”

‘The fighting pride of Manchester’

After 12 rounds of sparring Crolla did a shake-out round on the bag before skipping and stretching

Crolla rolls under the bottom rope and perches himself on the ring’s edge, his sparring days are over. Former world champion Liam Smith – nicknamed ‘Beefy’ – taps his shoulder respectfully. “Cheers Beef,” he replies.

He is understandably drained, a stark contrast to the bouncing, screaming figure seen moments after toppling Perez when he jumped up on the ring ropes and simply screamed: “Manchester!”

“I owe them absolutely everything,” he says.

“l will forever be in debt to those people. Winning the world title is my biggest achievement but my proudest achievement is the support of the people of Manchester.

“I am humbled and blessed by it, with people coming up to me in the streets telling me they were there when I won the world title.”

No corners are cut as Crolla’s workout ends with a round of tapping out against a heavy bag, skipping, stretching and some light massage. When his ankle was broken in the burglar attack, Crolla switched road runs for swimming.

When others may have taken a backward step, he moved forward, committing to yoga in a bid to further boost his athleticism.

Self-improvement is time consuming and attending more Manchester United away games is on his ‘to do’ list when the gloves are finally hung up.

Asked about taking up any new daredevil hobbies, he responds: “I’ve already done a bungee jump and was set on fire for it. Probably not the smartest thing to do as a professional boxer.”

He adds: “I think I am going to hook up with a mate and launch some kind of clothing brand. I’d like to try that. I have my gym, so I’ll spend more time there.

“Now my task is to train champions of the future. It’s satisfactory when you see a kid in the gym who may have confidence issues and after months of work he is out there having a fight.

“It will never do it fully but I hope staying in the sport plays a huge part in filling that emptiness of not fighting.”

And so Crolla will finish up at Manchester Arena, where he made his professional debut on a Joe Calzaghe undercard in 2006.

He is the epitome of perseverance. A dozen fights in he scrapped at a Liverpool leisure centre, his 20th contest was in a hotel and his 25th took place at a Motherwell leisure centre.

His path to the top was bumpy. Three draws, seven defeats – including losses against star names like Jorge Linares and Vasyl Lomachenko – and 34 wins point to the mix of emotions he has faced.

“Perseverance has paid off,” he says. “It has been a mad career. As much as the lows felt like rock bottom, I wouldn’t change it for the world. It’s been a hell of a path. If I could do it all again I would.”

To Manchester Arena, again. One more time around.

Read More

[butwhatistrue]

I’ve been reading about schizophrenia and other psychotic disorders for class tomorrow, and I must admit I’ve been identifying with a lot of stuff.

It’s particularly the more covert departments, like cognitive and social cognitive deficits, “subjective disturbance of self” etc.  it’s kind of. distressing i guess.

because it means more or less ALL my stuff can be explained as psychosis-related? plus stuff that i hadn’t considered dysfunctional is considered dysfunctional?

~__________________Read More for Mobile Folks__________________~

Attentional deficits, concentration problems (often mistakenly diagnosed as adhd), executive deficits, social deficits such as: ability to read situations, understand other’s emotional reactions, difficulties with irony and sarcasm, difficulty reading facial expressions. 

Thought interference (thoughts disturbing other thoughts), uncontrollable rumination, thoughts disappearing suddenly, thoughts seeming foreign, difficulty making even simple decisions, thoughts with sound and placement (of course??). Issues with short-term memory (just checked if the road was clear but cant remember. this is my issue with driving, shit). 

Feeling different/wrong/not fitting in as long as the patient can remember. lack of/confused sense of self perhaps including gender identity (fuck that but also true). issues registering own thoughts. dissociation. hyperreflectivity (constant train of thought reflecting on your own emotions, actions and thoughts). lack of common sense. anxiety. 

sudden shocks, pain or numbness in body parts, a feeling like the body is foreign to yourself, of losing control of your body. difficulty ascertaining what is a part of yourself and surroundings (was that my arm? fuck. and the sequel: i thought it was my arm but it’s the duvet w h a t  ).

Like these are all so ME. ?? And I didn’t really think of it as psychosis related stuff. And to be fair this was all written specific to schizophrenia, particularly premorbid (before it becomes entirely apparent), but I think it counts under the vague-post-ish diagnosis they gave me.

 I feel like I’ve been somewhat justified in the thoughts I’d been having of anxiety, adhd and ASD. Since if you take away the psychosis thing, which, if schizophreniform, account for all those symptoms above and more, I think they might be diagnosed individually. 

It feels strangely unfair? Now I have this weird diagnosis that is only mentioned as two lines in my book, “ used for those types of psychoses that can’t fit under other types, or which can’t yet be classified because of a lack of information”. And it doesn’t ring any bells for anyone, not even me.

And if I had just kept my mouth shut about psychotic stuff I could have maybe had that. Probably not ASD because of how the system works and it’s not like I’m a hundred percent sure, but anxiety and adhd are really likely. And that would have been such an easy constellation of diagnoses to present neatly to people and myself.

now instead everything off about me can be explained by this “not-quite-schizophrenia” but “beyond-schizotypal” “working theory/diagnosis” thing they got going. And I have this eery feeling that in their eyes there’s a “yet” in there. And it bothers me, because I like to say it’s been unchanged forever but it’s not really quite true I think.. but I have to be careful what I tell them, now. I’m supposed to keep the narrative straight, but it’s hard because honest to god: my memory isn’t that great at all, and it’s hard for me to figure out when certain symptoms were or weren’t present. 

I have a definite feeling a lot of areas might have been better ages 16-23, and that things have been going downhill since 2014 in general. though 16-23 had downperiods too, they were probably of less than half a year’s length at a time. I feel like it’s been going somewhat progressively downhill since the second semester of university? But I’m choosing to attribute it to stress. (though I’m always stressed?) Another very likely source of confusion is that my memory is bad and I might have forgotten bad stuff from that time.

I would usually say the worst has been 3-10, followed by 10-15. But 23-25 have been pretty shitty and I wonder if it will come to mirror 3-10, so 23-30 turns out to become a real hassle too. Still nothing has topped my childhood and i’m thankful for that. but it does worry me if I am being completely honest, which most of the time, I am less prone to be.

When i really think hard I see that there’s a tendency for cycles of half-a-year throughout at least the last five-ten years. Where I will be worse and worse and worse, and then a “chapter” will be over, and the issues be gone with it, then a new chapter begins and gets worse and worse, until that is cleared up too. But I think it’s connected to my life being cut up into half-a-year pieces. for a while I basically moved every half year, and started something new.

It could be that being stuck doing one thing, even with the semesters, is not providing enough change to rock me out of the downward spiral? (And I’d been rooting for the two month holiday at the other end of the world to do the trick but alas)

I’m sorry I’m just thinking out loud, and my blog helps me think because I’m speaking to someone but not someone specified and it’s in text-format and i can just keep going and no one is forced to listen to me though they can choose to read. 

yet it’s (negatively) amazing how long posts become when I just start writing. the nurse did write that my speech was “circumstantial” ^^” I’m kind of sorry yet not sorry because whoever you are, you read all the way to the end of your own free will. thank you. please like if you did read so I know. thank you so much. have a great day or night!!!!!

[demon-vs-angel]

Monday January 23, 2017 2:18 AM

Hey there world.

So I skipped my blog post last Thursday in case you didn't notice which probably no one did. I had been working a lot writing posts for our other site so when I was done the last thing I wanted to do was write more. I put it off until Thursday night and by the time I got to it I was way more than a little tipsy and I tried writing something worth reading and it was absolute shit.

I started my diet again on the 9th to lose some weight. I was at around 137 after the holidays which was ten pounds more than when we got married a year and a half ago. Along with a calorie deficit I was going to just give up alcohol. I had drunken a fair amount around the holidays, especially when hanging out with my in-laws which is super stressful and anxiety causing for me. Even when I wasn't doing anything with them and I was just hanging out at home I wanted to drink because I was still stressed out about things that had happened or while thinking about things that might happen in the future.

I didn't even last a week. I think at some point in the middle of that first week back on my diet I drank again. I factored it into my calories for the week and didn't skip any of my workouts to drink or because I was hung over but I wasn't crazy about having let myself down.

So I started a new standard that I discussed with my husband and he thought it was a good idea. Basically, I would eat about 100 calories less than my goal each day and then on the weekend to celebrate or have fun with him I would have around 600 calories I could eat or drink.

I didn't even last a week. When he went to his small group on Tuesday the 17th I drank and filmed some videos on my phone that no one will probably ever see. I don't know why but drinking when I am home alone and can kind of just do my own thing is a lot of fun for me. I actually planned on writing my post for Thursday on that day and I did not do that obviously.

On top of this, on Friday it was raining a whole lot and my brother in law called my husband and asked if we wanted to go hiking in the mountains with him and his gf. I had a bunch of work I wanted to get done but it doesn't normally rain out here so we decided to go. I don't know why but I thought we were going to be able to get to the mountain (which is about 50 min drive away) before it got dark even though my husband said it would be. I thought it would just be dusk which is one of my favorite times to hike so I was actually pretty excited. Well we got stuck in traffic and I started getting pissed cause I realized it would be pitch black and I no longer wanted to go at all.

Not to mention that my brother in law called again and said he was going to be like two hours late. I don't know why this even bothers me anymore, he is literally ALWAYS late. Like, every single time we plan something. At this point I was so over it and really didn't want to go because we went way out of our way to accommodate their schedule and then they are gonna pull this shit?

So me and my husband decided to go to Pizza Hut and get some dinner to kill time and I said I wished I had drunken before we left and he said we could fix that. We went to a liquor store and got a bottle of wine, picked up the pizza, and then headed to his parents' house to wait for his brother cause his parents live about 15 minutes away from where we were going to be going hiking.

When we got to their house we drank the entire bottle of wine while eating the pizza. His mom also suggested we make margaritas because she was going to make one for his dad later the celebrate inauguration of Trump. I think I ended up drinking two margaritas with only about a shot in each but that plus the wine got me pretty buzzed.

I was actually trying to drink as much as possible because I reeeeeaally didn't want to go on the hike at night. I have hiked at night in the rain a lot growing up in Oregon and I just didn't want to. I tried to get everyone to want to go the next day since it was Saturday but no one wanted to but me. I was miserable.

Over the last entire week I have also been pretty depressed which is pretty normal for me the week before I get my period (which I got yesterday) but it always makes me feel really bad about myself and life. I also cut again a few days ago for the first time in months. So on Friday night, on a hike I really didn't want to go, I was very buzzed and very uninterested in life.

We were looking for this waterfall that we had hiked to a couple other times but we missed the turn off on the trail for it so we ended up walking about two miles all the way up, all the way back down, and all the way up again before we found it.

Along the way I grabbed a rock, carried it in the pocket of my hoodie and scrapped it across my wrists while we walked while chanting in my mind “you're stupid, you're worthless, you're an idiot.”

The hike wasn't that bad actually just because I was numb to my own suffering from the alcohol and we did end up finding the waterfall. It was actually really gorgeous because there was tons of water from the rain and there were mountains all around us that had snow that looked really cool. We sat by the waterfall for a while before hiking back and then driving back to my in law's house where we had left our car.

When we got back to their house I grabbed my change out of our car and me and my husband headed inside so I could change cause I was soaked from the rain while my brother in law and his gf stayed in his truck outside.

I finished changing and then my husband came in the bathroom and we were just drying off and stuff and then his brother, after having not even come inside to say his to his dad who had not been home when we stopped by earlier or hang out at all, yelled from the front door that he and his gf were going home and for us to have a good night.

Literally every time we have gotten together, just the four of us or the whole family, they leave early and will never stay later. Earlier on in the night his gf had even suggested we hit the town later after the hike and now they leave without even coming in? I was so fucking done. I didn't even say good night or yell out “bye.” If they can't bother themselves then neither will I. I had already put a ton of work into a hike I did not want to go on for the good of the group and that is how they repay my politeness? Fuck that.

My husband went out and said bye to them, I finished drying off.

Then we made two more margaritas. I was pretty buzzed all night. My husband can drink like 5 times I can of liquor so he felt fine to drive home about 2 hours later.

We got home, changed, went to bed.

Last night (Saturday) I went and got groceries and I also got spiced rum and stuff to make pina coladas. I figured my diet was already screwed from the day before and I wanted to have fun with my husband. When I got home he wanted to clean the garage so I ended up basically drinking alone. I made us tacos for dinner which we ate together and then he got back to work and I went upstairs to go on my computer in our warm office.

I made two pina coladas with about a shot of rum in each and then took at least three single shots. I still felt really bad emotionally from the previous night and was kind of lonely and really wanted to cut again.

So, I showed and after the shower I cut again. It hurt and afterwards I kind of regretted it because it is such a pain dealing with it afterwards but at the same time it felt really good.

Here is the really fun part. I didn't drink enough water while I drank last night so I had a bad hangover today plus the fact that the first full day of my period I always get really bad cramps so I have felt like complete shit almost all day and have just been laying down, dying, sleeping, etc.

Now, my brother in law's gf, lets call her Elle, cannot function without a drink. Every time we have hung out, when she is sober she hardly talks and is so awkward. Give her a drink and she opens up, talks, laughs, makes conversation, smiles, etc. It is literally like two different people. She has admitted that she gets tired of hanging around people and just wants to be alone at the end of the day, which I have totally felt, but I don't think she can even really socialize without a drink.

I like to have a drink, it makes it way easier to deal with people like my in laws that I have a really hard time dealing with so I get her. But I do not want to be her.

Alcohol is not the answer. Lately every time we have gone out with them or my parents in law, or if anyone stops by our house without warning, I take a drink... or three.

I really hate people a lot of times. I have a lot of anxiety that plagues almost my every second.

Alcohol is becoming a crutch for me to be able to function socially. The bad part though is that it also makes my self harm addiction harder to stay away from. It makes a temporary shield against the bad parts of social encounters but all the anxious thoughts are still there later and I am not developing ways to actually deal with them, I just keep running away. One of my absolute favorite, if not my number one, place to turn to when I am running is self harm and the alcohol just encourages it.

I refuse to be Elle. I think she is weak. I hate that she calls herself this great Christian and is a school counselor and yet, I believe, has an addiction to alcohol.

I cannot describe how weak I think she is. To not even be able to hang out with us, and we are pretty chill, without a drink. I hate it. I have hung out with them plenty of times sober to try and have fun It makes it feel like she really doesn't want to be with us. Not to mention as soon as she sobers up at the end of the night it is always mysteriously when she wants to go home. Everything about her seems fake right now because I don't think she has ever been 100 percent genuine with me because the only time she seems herself is when she is drinking and that is not real, I know, I do it to hide myself and yet fit in with other people better.

So, I have decided something. I am not going to drink for a whole month.

The only exception will be if my husband wants to on Valentines day but that will be it, and it will only be with him and lead by him to make sure I don't go overboard.

I am also committing to not cutting myself again. It is not worth the stress of trying to hide it and get it to heal and it does not actually solve anything long term.

While committing to these two things I am also going to actively work on my anxiety and worry workbook and actually try to move forward with my mental health like I am with my physical health.

Alcohol isn't the worse thing ever and I think I will always like drinking. But I never want to rely on it to survive a social situation, that is how problems start. I am starting to rely on it way too much. My in laws are also drinking more than they used to which is not helping me.

I am tired of hang overs, I am tired of being unable to function socially without it, and I am tired of the depression I am left with days later because of it.

I will keep notes on how my mental and physical health are progressing and hopefully over the coming weeks and months we will see a positive change!

I will continue to update at least once a week on what I am doing, what's working, how my addictions are, etc. and if this helps out anyone else then great :) Sorry if this is kinda long, I am too good at writing too many words :/

This is my war, I'm gonna fucking win it.  Goodnight.

[theconservativebrief]

The results from this week’s special election in Ohio’s 12th District are widely viewed as the latest indicator that Democrats are due for a strong performance this fall. Republican Troy Balderson still has a slim lead as of press time, but the fact that Democratic candidate Danny O’Connor garnered so much support in a heavily conservative district (he’s hovering around 49 percent of the vote) is just another sign that the GOP should be worried, experts say.

O’Connor’s solid showing in the special election comes in the wake of a stunning upset by Conor Lamb in Pennsylvania’s 18thDistrict earlier this year. Both elections, in addition to another special election in Arizona, suggest that Democrats’ could continue to build on voter momentum to spur a potential “blue wave” this fall.

While Democratic odds for retaking the House seemed more uncertain earlier this summer, the party’s performance across different races since then have seemed to improve the broader outlook of this possibility. Here’s what eight experts had to say about the likelihood of a “blue wave” in November.

These responses have been lightly edited for length and clarity.

The closeness of the special election in Ohio — in a historically Republican district — suggests that Democratic voters are motivated to a much greater extent than Republican voters this year. Even millions in spending on political ads may not be enough to enthuse GOP voters this fall.

If a “blue wave” means greater-than-average Democratic participation in the midterm elections, then the chances of that happening are very high. But how many more congressional seats that nets for Democrats is still a big question. On the low end, it could be as few as a dozen. On the high end, it could be 40 seats.

The results so far in OH-12 — remember thousands of ballots are still being counted — should give Republicans everywhere yet another sign of the momentum on the left. There was higher turnout than usual in suburban Franklin County. Republican groups spent millions more than did Democrats. Republicans couldn’t find something that really stuck, and so they used scattered messaging and frequent traffic changes. And, perhaps most importantly, there are 79 districts where Trump performed worse.

Democrats have had the advantage in the generic all cycle. Republicans are showing no signs of changing their fortunes. The question isn’t whether there is a wave, but just how high. Will it be high enough to take back the House? The Senate? State legislative chambers around the country? In past waves, things started to break late. We’ll probably see that this year, too.

Generally I think the blue wave is a blue swell and we will have to work hard for it. In the final analysis the key vote may well be the turnout of millennial, young women. They are voting very democratic and very much for women candidates. I think OH-12 shows the potential.

Trump energized some of his base, and the margin was really closed by a surge of Democrats. That district is very Republican and the blue wave there almost breached the dike.

The double-digit shift away from what Trump earned in the district is another sign that the GOP will need to play serious defense in November. Despite personal appearances by Trump and Pence, the race was basically even, a troubling sign for the party’s fortunes in the general election.

Democrats are sure to make gains in November, but it remains to be seen whether it resembles the normal amount of wins that would be expected from an out-party in a midterm election, or whether it will snowball into a thunderous victory like what Republicans delivered in 2010. There are signs, such as the high number of Republican retirements from Congress, that 2018 could be a historic wave in the Democrats’ favor.

There’s been a sense in the past couple of months that the blue wave has been rebuilding, and it has a lot to do with the president’s behavior. A lot of these states that are tentative and at risk rise and fall with the popularity of the president.

A lot of the experts looked at Ohio as a litmus test. No matter how the White House or the GOP tries to spin it, whether the Republican wins or not, it’s not a good day. There’s every reason to believe that if it could happen in Ohio, where the president was up by 11 points, it could happen in other places.

Everybody is being urged to turn out. When you see this kind of momentum, this kind of race in Ohio, that’s the kind of thing that spurs turnout. Turnout is key and turnout will very likely be high on the Democratic side.

The results from this race found that Democratic voters came out at a higher percentage than normal — e.g., Franklin County, which was expected to be about 32 percent of the vote was closer to 35 percent. We saw this also in PA-18. Democratic voters were more likely to vote for their nominee than the Republican voters — i.e., 91 percent of Democrats were voting for the Democrat and 82 percent of Republicans were voting for [the] Republican.

This is the opposite of what we saw in 2016, when Republicans were voting more in line with the party candidate while Democrats saw more melt from their base. Most exciting for Democrats and disturbing for Republicans are independent voters, who in OH-12 were breaking for the Democrat nearly 2:1.

I think a blue wave is coming in the governor and US House races, but I am not sure if it will be strong enough for Democrats to take the Senate and expect the Republicans to maintain control of the upper chamber.

The Democratic near miss in the Ohio special election augurs well for the party’s prospects in November. This district has been in GOP hands for almost a century. Since 1938, a Democrat has held it for only two years, and that was in the early ’80s.

Plus, in the last congressional election, the Republican candidate won it by a margin of 130,000 votes-plus. Okay, that was a presidential year. In the last midterm year, 2014, the margin was about 90,000 votes.

To make up such enormous deficits in districts across the country could mean that Democrats might win not just the minimum 23 seats for a majority, but more like 50. A blue flood, more than just a wave.

Also remember the record number of prominent GOP House members who are retiring. Foremost is Speaker Paul Ryan. Not really a man with 30 terms-plus in the House, but one at or near his prime. To quit at that stage must mean he does not expect his party to win in November and thus for him to be speaker again. Minority leader? Nah!

Past wave elections have been surprisingly strong. One reason is that seats that had previously seemed safe for incumbents suddenly became endangered. Why? In the prior election, the out-party (Dems today) had not competed strongly for a seat that they could only come close to winning but not win.

The combination of a wave of new support for the out-party plus the out-party’s renewed effort can tip the balance where incumbents had previously seemed safe enough.

With a super-sized wave, bigger than observers now predict, the fallout can be enormous because gerrymandering only rearranges district lines and cannot manufacture more votes for a party. Designers of gerrymanders ignore the possibility of a 100-year flood, so their dikes are shallow. A large wave can wash away many in-party seats. I hope this analogy is clear.

But as of now, the generic polls do not show a super-sized wave. The central question is more modest: Which party controls the House? The Democrats are favored but not certain of winning the most seats.

Meanwhile, if there is the wave that people think is coming, the Senate might be more in play than people think today. A strong blue wave could probably help almost all, if not all, of the vulnerable Democrat senators survive. Meanwhile, the Dems could pick up one to four seats, possibly regaining a Senate majority.

Original Source -> “A blue flood, more than just a wave”: 8 experts on midterm elections after the Ohio special election

via The Conservative Brief

[booksbroadwaybbc]

Looking for a way to break myself out of the pre-conceptions that I have built in myself that are holding me back (M/23) via /r/selfimprovement

Looking for a way to break myself out of the pre-conceptions that I have built in myself that are holding me back (M/23)

Hi all,

I suppose I should start a bit about me before asking for this advice: I like to think I am a fairly regular person (weird sentence to write out...). A bit more introverted sure but not at all anti-social. However, I have a genuine self-esteem deficit, not so much that it's debilitating but enough that sometime's getting through the day can be a battle of wills about how I feel about certain things.

I suppose this might stem partly about how I feel about romantic relationships. I've never been in one. I think I'm fairly average looking (maybe even decently good but I literally cannot assess how other's assess me unless I use Facebook as an example lol). A reason for some of this is that all the times I have felt strongly enough about someone else to ask them out (only three times), I was turned down. Logically, there were caveats to consider for those times (esp. the second one - long story but it boils down to a relationship that couldn't be but we sort of ended up in a "pseudo-relationship") but in the end it kind of all projected inward where I started to believe that maybe there's something wrong with me. Maybe my looks (the way I dress, weight, etc...) or my personality, I don't know. The things for at least both of those things, I know I have counteracted them (by counteracting my personality, I just mean I can make people laugh and I know people generally regard me as a generally good person). I hope that I don't seem like I am outwardly bragging, it's just what I know from, well, talking to people.

It got really bad when this past year after graduation, after seeing so many friends in serious relationships/get engaged, that I started believing maybe I will just end up alone. Or that I can never meet another person that I will have feelings for or that "connection" you feel with certain people. It seems like almost everyone is in a relationship already and when I do feel that connection and I learn that they're already with someone else, it feels a little bit defeating (while recognizing at the same time there is literally nothing else I could have done anyways). The idea I might just end up alone put me into a terrible 1-2 month funk and some of it has stuck in the form of jadedness/cynicism. At times, I feel bitter about how happy other people can be in their relationships with their SO (of course being aware that I don't see the difficulties of one either). This one is a serious red-flag, as I feel it's the start of being down a dangerous path. Sometimes I don't know what I feel anymore because of the repression that I have used to get on with it.

So with that mindset, added to the "pseudo-relationship" with girl #2 I asked out (ngl this whole experience has left me feeling slightly confused about how I feel with regards to what it was and how I feel about this entire thing) and years (throughout high school/university) of believing this, I have decided enough is enough. I cannot go on like this as it is unsustainable, now that I have moved out across the country and on my own, away from my previous points of stability (i.e. family and friends) with a "hard job" (research grad student). This mindset will become a self-fulfilling prophecy if I really let it (which is where the battle of the wills comes in). I fight back as much as I can but many times, the bad/negative feelings are far stronger than the good/positive ones.

I thought about writing myself a letter to read every day or something like that to try and steer myself in the right course but I can't put to words how I feel about breaking out of this mold I've made myself. This is where you guys come in!

How can I try and inspire myself every day to better than I was before? It's asking an an eternal question, but I want to be able tailor this to myself.

Thoughts?

Thanks!

Submitted April 22, 2018 at 08:13PM by MindlessBasis via reddit https://ift.tt/2JccI9V

[othersportsnews-blog]

Golf -- The Open -- Jordan Spieth conjures reminiscences of the greats

New Post has been published on https://othersportsnews.com/golf-the-open-jordan-spieth-conjures-reminiscences-of-the-greats/

Golf -- The Open -- Jordan Spieth conjures reminiscences of the greats

SOUTHPORT, England – You should not compare Jordan Spieth to any person else. Just will not do it.

That’s a hard assignment, taking into consideration what he just achieved in winning the 146th Open Championship.

Spieth’s great escape with bogey on a 13th gap expedition that is already entrenched in significant championship lore was a Houdini-in-handcuffs magic trick, element Seve Ballesteros, element Phil Mickelson. His near-ace on the following gap evoked visuals of a one-way links-worn Tom Watson, whose precision ball-putting yielded so lots of birdies at this function. His macho eagle on the following conjured reminiscences of Tiger Woods, the extraordinary flair conspiring with fantastic timing.

How in the environment did Jordan Spieth go from a 1-shot deficit with 5 holes left to a 3-shot victory and claim the Claret Jug? The 23-calendar year-outdated developed one of the most unforgettable finishes The Open has noticed in its illustrious background.

Get dates, Television set timetable, information coverage, dwell scores and final results on ESPN for The Open at Royal Birkdale.

1 Associated

And this victory helps make him, just four times shy of his 24th birthday, the next-youngest participant at any time to claim 3 legs of the occupation grand slam, guiding only the famous Jack Nicklaus.

But he is not Seve, or Phil, or Tom, or Tiger or Jack.

Those people are a ton of names from which to select, but none of them suit.

“I will not compare myself, and I will not think that [comparisons] are suitable or vital,” he described just after the 3-stroke triumph. “What those people men have performed has transcended the sport. And in no way, condition or form do I think I am any place near that, in any way.”

Way too typically, the greatest players of the present technology are billed with living up to the reputations of earlier performers, which is just not truthful for myriad motives. Foremost between those people is that a participant like Spieth would not possess a comprehensive system of do the job still. In truth, irrespective of these 3 significant victories, he is still incredibly considerably in the infancy of his occupation.

Even amongst his present peers, it is difficult to insist he ranks earlier mentioned all of them. Rory McIlroy still owns one additional significant. Dustin Johnson is rated larger. Other players strike the ball additional than Spieth. Bigger. Straighter. (Alright, considerably straighter.)

They will not, on the other hand, have what he has.

Connect with it the “it” issue. That certain anything. An more gear.

“Those people are the intangibles and the matters I just will not understand,” claimed his buddy Zach Johnson, who stuck about to watch the summary. “He does it all the time.”

Therein lies the variation involving Spieth and absolutely everyone else. He owns an innate potential to acquire at all fees.

Jordan Spieth admitted reminiscences of his meltdown at the Masters last calendar year were firmly in his thoughts on Sunday. “That provides a ton of stress to me.” EPA/ANDY RAIN

He is now prevailed on 9 of the last 10 situations when he is held a fifty four-gap lead. The lone outlier was, of study course, last year’s Masters, when a 12th-gap quadruple-bogey derailed his journey to a next straight eco-friendly jacket.

At the time, it was thought that setback could have a lingering outcome. It’s possible he just wasn’t programmed to place away titles. It’s possible he is not a nearer.

As it turns out, the scar tissue that made from that working day fifteen months ago steeled him for a minimal meltdown on Sunday afternoon, when his many-shot lead evaporated with just 5 holes to perform.

And indeed, it was in the forefront of his thoughts.

“I place a ton of stress on myself unfortunately, and not on objective, prior to the round right now, just imagining this is the finest prospect that I’ve experienced considering that the ’16 Masters,” he admitted. “And if it were not to go my way right now, then all I am heading to be questioned about and imagined about and murmured about is in comparison to that, and that provides a ton of stress to me.”

You will find a feeling, although, that Spieth wants this stress in buy to prosper. He wants some adversity, wants to have his again from the proverbial wall.

He could’ve basically rigid-armed participating in husband or wife Matt Kuchar, his main competitors, and retained an uncomplicated lead all working day. The fact is, he experimented with. “Boy, this was eventful,” he joked just after a closing-round 1-below 69. “Seventeen pars and a birdie would have been high-quality, far too.”

As a substitute, he additional a further chapter to the story of his occupation, one which could possibly be examined several years from now as a turning position.

Spieth could sometime make a run at Woods’ mark of fourteen significant titles, or even Nicklaus’ history of eighteen. Or this could be as fantastic as he receives, a younger celebrity shining in these early several years.

You will find no position in guessing, no position in any conjecture just after these kinds of a thrilling acquire. Just as you can find no position in evaluating him to any of those people earlier greats, any person with whom he is already sharing web pages in the history publications.

Spieth must as an alternative be celebrated in the present. He owns those people intangibles that other individuals will not. He plays his finest when the stress is highest.

Or as McIlroy succinctly place it, even though seeing Spieth place the finishing touches on his most up-to-date acquire, “He is an absolute star.”

Supply connection

[twelvebyseventyfive]

On divorce

[Aside: I have been running an internal debate about whether to write on this subject. It's not like I'm the first person to get divorced: it happens all the time. So why should my words be of any interest? Also, is my personal life relevant to my professional life? I think it is. In writing this, I'm not looking for absolution. I'm not trying to prove a point or make excuses. And I'm aware that any thoughts here are from my perspective, which is unique to me and is not the whole truth. But I feel I need to say something.]

Yesterday I heard that my divorce had been finalized. Some 16 months after I moved out of home, the legal process that signals the end of a marriage has been completed. It’s not something I’ve mentioned publicly before, and I do so now with great caution. This is very personal territory. Nonetheless, it is something I want to share, albeit briefly and without too many details. Now that it’s final, it seems an appropriate time to disclose this news.

Fiona and I were wed on May 8th, 1993. It was a joyful occasion, full of friends and hope. We remained married for just under 23 years (legally, for just over 24). That’s a big slice of life.

We got together when we were both very young. If I met the ‘me’ of 1993 now, it would be a strange experience: me, but not me. I was raw and quite naïve, and very idealistic. I didn’t believe in divorce and thought that marriage was forever. I meant my marriage vows.

Even now, coming out of a marriage that has – on paper – failed, I still believe in the institution of marriage and I dislike divorce intensely. It is brutal and cruel. In terms of the separation it causes, it has some of the aspects of a bereavement, except that the closure is perhaps harder because your partner is still there, but you are separate from them.

Divorce causes a lot of pain. I didn’t realize quite how much, until it was too late. I had an inkling that this wouldn’t be an easy path, but it was only when I moved out of home that the full implications dawned on me. It is not an easy fix for a problem.

Still, even despite this, I think that it was the right path to take. Today I met with Fiona to talk over some issues to do with our boys, now 19 and 20. Time is a great healer, and we are now able to talk as friends, with respect for each other. We both wish each other well. We have both moved on. But there is no denying that there is still pain, sitting somewhere under the surface. So we tread carefully and as kindly as we can.

How do you process the end of a 23 year marriage? It isn’t easy.

There is a wounding, but there can also be a healing. It’s important to take the position that nothing is wasted, holding onto the many good times with a sense of gratitude. I think both of us realize that we were not terribly well suited to each other, but at the same time a marriage is something that you build rather than discover as something already complete. It is something that grows, built on an initial foundation, and hopefully with a commitment to build well. It is not something that starts out finished and untarnished, and then gradually with time loses its lustre. I also think that, when approached the right way, the inevitable pain, conflicts and challenges that exist in any union between two humans can be turned round and used as building material.

That our building eventually failed is probably in part due to the incredible stresses we were put under over the last 16 years. Our family life has been challenging. After five years of trying and a range of tests, it seemed we couldn’t have our own children. There was no obvious reason; it just didn’t happen. So after a lengthy approval process, we adopted two boys. They were brothers, and they’d had a terrible start, and they came to us aged 2.5 and 3.5 years old, back in 2000. From the beginning, we realized that we were in for a challenging time. It wasn’t a simple matter of pouring love in where there had been a deficit – sadly, it doesn’t work this simply. Things got gradually more challenging and difficult, beyond anything we could have imagined and certainly beyond the level that anyone should have to tolerate. But we stuck at it, through the most trying times. [I should add: I do not blame my boys. They are talented and have lots of qualities. They have had to overcome a lot, and I'm proud of them. But we had a very tough journey.]

Without this intense, unending pressure, with no respite, things might have turned out differently. Who knows? But nothing is wasted. Even what looks like a failure, has within it seeds that given the right conditions, can grow.

I read that the average divorce costs £44 000. Ours cost a more modest £1346, which is about as cheaply as you can do it, I think. We did our financial sums over a drink in the pub, and then got a solicitor to help with framing the agreement and dealing with the family court. I have unending respect for Fiona for dealing with things this way. We both genuinely want the best for each other, even though the dying days of the marriage were horribly painful.

Perhaps the best advice we received as we talked over things with professionals and close friends was this: it hurts, and there is pain, just as when you have a physical wound there is pain. But don’t keep taking the dressing off and poking the wound, to see how much it hurts. Acknowledge that there is pain, but don’t dwell there. Don’t keep going back to it, taking a look, picking off the scab.

And in this process, many of the horrible aspects are out of our control. While we may not be able to control what happens to us, but we can decide on how we respond. We do not have to be a victim. We don’t have to respond in the stereotyped, movie-script sort of way. We get to choose.

Since January last year, I have been travelling a lot. When I am in the country, I have been living at my sister’s place. I have to think about what comes next. It’s great to get a second chance, but there are many potential pitfalls. I’m not going to play it safe, though. Second chances don’t come around all that often.

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