#i am living in an airbnb all by myself for the first time in my LIFE and i have to go apartment hunting. starting a new job tmrw

[suntails]

i want the vanrouges to go on a trip TOGETHER

[xiaq]

In the last year we’ve been in our house, we’ve had an issue with one of our neighbors. He owns the house, but he rents it out all year on Airbnb.

His house/garage shares a back pedestrian alley with ours. Now, he keeps his trash bins at the street 24/7 since he’s not there to take them out on trash day, which means that for the first few months we owned our home, his guests were filling up our bins, the only bins in the pedestrian alley, with trash/recycling (even though they’re right outside our door, not his). They would run out of space and overflow every week and we’d have nowhere to put our trash. We messaged the owner multiple times and he did nothing. So we moved our trash and recycling out to the street as well, which is a hassle, but better than dealing with a bunch of party-trash on a weekly basis.

We left our compost bin, since we step out the back door to empty our kitchen compost container into it almost daily and don’t want to walk all the way around to the street. This bin is bright and very clearly labeled both for our home and for compost.

His Airbnb guests did not care. For the past few months, at least every other week, I am pulling trash (often not bagged) from our compost bin. I’ve added giant signs, I’ve tried putting bungee cords on it so they have to slow down and read the signs. They ignore these measures.

Thursday, after having to completely clean out the bin of rotting party trash (again) so we can use it for compost, we sent a message to the owner (again) that was ignored (again).

Instead of dealing with the trash myself this time, I left if piled outside his back door.

This morning, not only is the trash still piled outside the door 3 days later, his new guests, who checked in Friday, have added an additional bag.

B is still trying to message him and be diplomatic.

I’m ready to burn some bridges.

My first thought is to bring all the trash to the front porch, so someone will be forced to deal with it if they want to get in or out of the home.

My second thought is to tell the city he’s operating an illegal Airbnb. In the city proper, due to the housing crisis, you can only get a rental license if the home is your primary residence and you live there for the majority of the year. He verifiably does not.

Now, I’m not typically a snitch but A this guy has been given multiple (multiple)opportunities to address his guests’ poor behavior and elected not to. B, he’s knowingly contributing to the rise in housing costs which is a dick move in itself.

Frankly I’m not above doing both, at this point.

Thoughts?

[giggleesblog]

story time with spencer

as many of you know, i’ve had the pleasure of spending the last few days with the lovely @daisylovestickles. she made a detailed post with a timeline over on her blog that you can read here. mine will be a general recap with some sappy things here and there. daisy is much more organized than i will ever be lol.

i think my favorite thing about these last four and a half days is how much i’ve learned, both about myself and daisy. we not only spent a lot more time together this time around, but we also shared a living space since we stayed at an airbnb rather than a hotel. i remember daisy joking on call that she hopes i wouldn’t get sick of living with her. i gave her a deadpan look and said that would never happen. and i was right, because it felt so incredibly domestic and just so sweet to share a space with her all tucked away in our own little bubble for a bit.

as you saw in daisy’s post, yes our airbnb had a leak which did cut into some of our time together, but even with that mishap it was still easily one of the best weekends of my life. getting to know her and learn little things while sharing some familiar places with her is something that will keep me happy for months.

and boy oh boy was the tickling much more intense this time around. daisy brings out this side of me that is so hard to keep my hands to myself (both with tickling and just any physical affection). i told her the first night she flew in i was struggling very hard not to tickle her while we were cuddled in bed. spoiler alert: i did not keep my hands to myself. whoops. it’s not my fault her giggles and laugh are so addictive and she looks so pretty when she’s tickled, okay! and it’s not like she minds at all 🤭 but yeah bringing her to such a state later on in the trip where she’s telling me she wants to safe word but also doesn’t because it feels so good???? y’all. i nearly died. i still have butterflies thinking about it. GOD this girl has no idea what she does to me 😵‍💫🫠

that being said… i feel like since we had more time together i was definitely more ticklish this time around too. we learned that my thighs are a lot worse than we initially thought. also my feet??? were so fucking sensitive?? especially the night we got into the bondage and just feeling her nails glide around the tops of my feet nearly had me safewording 😵‍💫. also. grooming gloves and oil should be fucking illegal. jesus christ. daisy definitely got me back for all the thigh tickles i gave her because she absolutely wrecked my inner thighs with light tickles and squeezes and fhwkdhlshdkd fuck 🙈 i was thrashing and jolting all over the place and i maaaaybe discovered i’m more of a masochist than i thought 🫠

obviously the tickling was very fun and joyous for us both. but sometimes i think people in this community focus too much on that. they don’t want to bother forming real life connections with people outside of the kink. and that’s really sad. because i’ve met people here that i can’t imagine my life without. so i think some people really need to sit back and evaluate how they treat others in this community.

anyways this is getting long as fuck so i’m gonna try to wrap this up lmao. daisy, thank you for the incredible last few days. i am so fucking lucky to have you in my life and i can’t wait to see you again. i love you to the moon and back, princess 🧡

[clunelover]

Christmas recap!

Christmas ended up going quite well! We did presents at 11-ish, and my brother in law was able to womp the food together in a little over an hour, so we had lunch at 1:30. He brought all pots and pans and utensils with him - my sister was like "he’s packing up things like measuring cups and the potato ricer even though I keep telling him you have those things" but it ended up being really smart cause then he didn’t have to search for these things or yell questions to me (and then he took them home with him to wash!)

Thanks to the couch I bought (third couch in this room! Unexpectedly very needed sofa bed for post op!) we were able to comfortably sit all 11 people in the living room - I was in my recliner chair and my dad always brings his own chair due to back issues and everyone else fit on couches…idk why I am explaining where everyone sat lol, but I was VERY pleased with my planning and having gotten the couch just in time and seeing everyone in the room which I wouldn’t have assumed would ever fit that many! It was a very deep satisfaction much like seeing Jeremy use and love the snowblower I got.

In between the presents and eating, I excused myself to butt-scoot up the stairs to my bedroom so I could lay down and elevate my leg more (somewhat genuine need) and recover from overstimulation (more genuine). People ended up coming up to visit me - first my other sister who was in from out of state, and her girlfriend, to give me the rundown on all the family shiz they were experiencing as part of staying in an Airbnb with stepmom (her mom) and our dad. OH did I even post here that my dad and stepmom, who is in fact my ex-stepmom cause they’ve been divorced for like 10 years, ARE BACK TOGETHER?? Well, they are, that’s a whole other post tho. So anyway, then after sister and gf left, stepdad and dad came up and chatted about surgery, and then it was time to eat…and I actually found that it was nice having those little visits - a couple people visiting me and sitting next to me in bed is kind of my ideal scenario honestly!

All the present stuff went well, people seemed to like the things I got them and I was very glad I thought to get BIL a present - the way we do things, my local sister and I always get each other things but we don’t necessarily always get our respective brothers in law something unless particularly moved or there’s something really perfect to get…and vice versa, like BIL is an artist and years ago he gave me prayer candles with stickers of "saints" that he drew himself, specifically Mark and Jez from Peep Show, and they’re amazing and perfect and one of my most prized items in living room display, but then he went a long time not getting me anything and that’s totally fine and I didn’t even think about it til the next time he got me something, which was some little notebooks and a retro four color pen last year. Anyway, I was thinking in light of him taking on all the cooking I ought to make more of an effort. They have a little tiki bar in their basement and my sister said he’s been getting really into making tiki drinks, so he could use esoteric ingredients or a cool mug. I looked up where to get good tiki mugs and omg, turns out Trader Vic’s sells glassware among other tiki bar accoutrements, so I got him an original coconut mug and a "suffering bastard" mug which I had to get cause of the name, and so he and my sister were both super pumped about that.

I’m also gratified that I overheard E talking to their BFF comparing notes on the best things they got, and E was saying that the noise canceling headphones I picked for them were their best present. Victory! I do get a lot of satisfaction from giving a good gift.

The best thing I got is that I finished knitting that scarf a couple days before Christmas, but my sanity is now very reliant on knitting and I needed to start a new project, so I told Jeremy I knew my sister was probably getting me some knitting stuff but I couldn’t wait, I needed him to run to the yarn store and get me some circular needles, and some specific colors of yarn IMMEDIATELY. I told him his gift to me, since he said he hadn’t gotten my anything yet, could be to go through the process of texting me pictures of yarns so I could pick the ones I wanted. So he did that and now I’m pretty close to finishing my first ever shawl, which I’m so pumped about cause I think it looks genuinely cool and I also never would’ve thought I could manage knitting with circular needles. But I learned! And I had to do a garter tab cast on which took three YouTube videos and maybe ten attempts (picking up stitches was very confusing to me!) but I got that too!

Oh and my other best thing was the ramp Jeremy and my stepdad built over the steps into the house so that I can more easily get out of the house and take walks with my knee scooter. Can’t go far before I get tired and uncomfortable, but getting some air every day has been big for the sanity game as well.

Pictures of shawl progress - that last pic isn’t even current, I’m almost done with pink and then it’s going to have yellow although I’m tempted to just repeat the first green idk - and then me walking, that’s our yard with the Bluey inflatable.

[suwisuwii]

When my ex finally moved out I thought I wouldn't really see him again. Or just not very often. Now, I know he isn't going to move back in to live with me, just my daughter, but I have been anxious all day.

My daughter is coming back tomorrow, and he'll be staying at an airbnb or something until he finds a place.

The reason why I allowed my daughter to leave is because she was supposed to stay with his family, who would take proper care of her. That is no longer the case.

Now why didn't I offer to let him stay here too until he finds something?

I know the moment he sits down in my house, he won't leave.

(I'm going to be talking about some graphic details below, tw for death, murder, rape, suicide mention )

This guy tricked me into getting pregnant, following him to his country, and doing sex work for years. He never tried to find a job, he was perfectly happy with me working 24h a day, not seeing my daughter for weeks, just so I could afford him a work-free life. I had agreed to a few months of it while he looked for a job, and was now trapped in it without an end in sight.

When a client raped me and almost killed me, he said it was "part of the job".

On another occasion one of my coworkers was murdered and dismembered, and he showed no symphathy when he saw her on the news and I told him that was my friend.

(the killer is now in jail, I had met him once and I won't go into details but I survived because I made a scene and he left. I felt sick for a few days but it wasn't enough to kill me. He has been found guilty of 3 murders, and 7 attempts)

But I just kept on going and didn't feel human anymore.

At a point I was in therapy because I wanted to die. I wasn't even sad or upset, I just thought of myself as a disposable tool. I was soon to have enough money to buy a flat in cash, and I would buy that for him and my daughter, and then just die. I felt happy thinking about the time when I would finally be free and die.

The only reason I was able to stop, and wiggle out of that situation was because of the first covid lockdown. The whole country shut down for months, we literally were not allowed fo leave our house unless we were going to buy essentials (police asked for receipts). Initially I felt trapped, slowed down. I had to be alive a little longer.

Things changed when I made friends, even if online, for the first time in years. I started seeing myself as a person again and not a tool.

I broke up with him, and kept on mantaining him economically for years just because I felt obligated to. But I started making art again during that time and earning money for myself. When he left, I thought it was finally over.

I know I am realistically not in danger but as my partner said to me today, every time he calls I end up spiraling in a frenzy. I think it's the trauma.

In any case. I can't wait to have my daughter back. And whatever happens, I'll fight to keep my freedom.

I'm also very grateful for the partner I have now. I was in a bad mental state today, and he said that he will not let anything bad happen to me. It sounds like something simple but I know he means it. And I don't feel as scared if he's supporting me.

I know I can't lose my freedom now but damn every time I get so scared. I guess that's how trauma works. It's not rational.

[naomitours]

Tromsø, Norway: The North Above the North

I am not a "cold-weather" person, both in personality and in personal inclination. So you might wonder why someone like me would go to Norway in December. And if you asked me this after I actually got there, it would've been a damn good question! But I had a single reason, and a good one:

That's right, I went to see the northern lights. The green lady. "A-AURORA BOREALIS??", in the words of Superintendent Chalmers. People much smarter than me say this is caused by the sun's upper atmosphere emanating a solar wind that reaches *our* upper atmosphere. While not the most consistent place in the world to see it, Tromsø is one of the easiest and largest to try your luck.

Disclaimers from the Top of the World

The first thing you should know about Tromsø is that the sun doesn't come up for most of winter. You'll have light for a few hours, sure, but it's not the same. The meaning of darkness is different when it's ever-present, and those brief few hours of light mean everything. I found myself wanting to shed my coat and soak the light in through every pore of my body.¹ Depression is a real problem here, so is alcoholism. (I was even told by a local that they track alcohol purchases via card, to make sure nobody is drinking too much in the dark months!)²

The "sunset" over the Tromsø harbor, 1:35 PM.

The second thing you should know is that you need traction on your footwear. Pack your snow boots, or buy some shoe spikes because otherwise you'll be spending a good chunk of your time here on the ground, cursing the ice. My dumb-ass had decided to come to Norway on a whim, without thinking or preparing, so I showed up in my Doc Martens slipping and sliding. I almost couldn't make it to my Airbnb, my host having to come down and help me up the hills!! Thankfully I was able to borrow boots from my, again, incredibly lovely host³, but my god you've never appreciated gravel so much!

The Tromsø Troll Museum

That's right, the main attraction in the city, the reason you flew hundreds, perhaps even thousands of miles! This tiny museum with a bunch of trolls scattered all around!

It's a cozy space, and if you're as fascinated as mythology as I am, it's really a must-see if you're in town. Also, there's a replica of a hulder. According to local lore, these were beautiful women who would often try to lure men away from their human homes, to live in otherworldly pleasure with them⁴, or they would marry human men and join our world, retaining their otherworldly strength⁵!

Aurora Borealis

The biggest disclaimer I'd offer for the northern lights is this, you are never guaranteed to see them, even if you do everything "right". This was such a huge source of anxiety for me until I finally had a good sighting, then I was able to relax. I recommend doing some guided tours, these are not necessary (I saw them once right outside my Airbnb!) but it's going to maximize your chances by getting you away from the city's light pollution. There's many different modes of transportation for this, I myself took a bus and a boat, but I saw advertisements for planes, helicopters and even dog sleds*. The first time I ever witnessed the northern lights was on a sleepy little boat tour, New Year's Eve 2023.⁶

The interior was very cozy, more importantly it was warm, essential on a night with subzero wind chill. I enjoyed cookies and coffee and hot chocolate with marshmallows!

The lights don't look like the pictures, that should be stressed. The vast majority of aurora borealis photos are taken via long-exposure, and our eyes just don't work the same way. But on a good night you can see a faint green distortion in the sky, as if a riff into another dimension. It's like you expect an alien spaceship, or the giant hand of a monster to come ripping out of it, changing our world forever.⁷ But for the natives of Tromsø, it's just a day like any other.

View of the Aurora Borealis, from my Airbnb the next day.

I also recommend booking a few different tours, if you're like me and only really need to see it once, many will let you cancel on 24hrs notice if you pay extra. I recommend this as a good way to save money, but I'm kinda a cheapskate, so what do I know?

Also, please don't be discouraged if you don't see the lights on any given tour, you still do get some really beautiful photographs. It's important to keep a sense of relativity about you, you are standing at the top of the world, in the freezing cold. And in this moment you are having a novel human experience, regardless of whether or not you see some pretty lights on top of it.

What I Ate

Now, you might think the food is very bare-necessities in this sleepy arctic city, but you'd be surprised! One of the first things I had was something I had actually failed to find in Oslo, a delicious Norwegian donut called a skolebolle:

With a custard center and coconut flakes trimming the top, it's a deliciously sweet treat that I found in a Eurospar for the equivalent of a dollar. I recommend enjoying it with black coffee! Not pictured are the other things I got from the store, including paprika-flavored potato chips (highly recommended) and a large bar of Freia milk chocolate, which you'll not be disappointed by.

There's also an abundance of little convenience stores that will get you hot meals for relatively cheap (Northern Europe is expensive!) On the right you'll see a pepperoni calzone that was pretty good, along with a Norwegian soda that was less so. But if you're looking for a finer taste of Tromsø, stay with me:

This is a sampling I did of Aquavit, the signature liquor of Scandinavia. All of it was made right here in Tromsø, and I had a lovely guide for this tasting. To name a few, lingonberries and reindeer meat, not to mention a small slice of grapefruit.⁸ It's a little skimpy, however the point isn't to eat, but to taste!⁹

Conclusion/Takeaways

It can be a very scary thing, to be so far away from home. In all my years of travel, though that uncertainty has diminished, it never truly goes away. Maybe travel is just like any other experience, your tolerance to it builds until you only feel the original high when you get even further out of the world as you've known it. In this way, travel is much like a drug. But what moves me most about travel is its capacity to help us understand not just the planet we live on, but our own place within it. And if you ever feel lost for purpose, I might recommend standing on top of the world, hunting for otherworldly apparitions in the sky //

Footnotes:

¹ Of course, if you actually try to walk around in Tromsø without a coat, you will a)freeze to death and b)look stupid

² LITERALLY 1984

³ Of course, I had to return the boots when I left for the airport, meaning I fell not once, not twice, but THREE times trying to get down the hills to the bus stop. Seriously, you can't wear your Docs, no matter how fashionable and punk rock they are!

⁴ But why would you want to do that, when society is sooooooo good?? Like, who wants to live in a fantasy world where there is no suffering or want when we have Pizza Hut here, right now?

⁵ A hulder also features prominently on the cover of that one metal album by the murderous Nazi that your friend still listens to, despite knowing he's, you know, a MURDEROUS NAZI.

⁶ I would later go on to watch a man in lederhosen play The Weeknd, Cher, and at midnight ABBA's "Happy New Year", all on a keyboard. Dude was a one-man entertainment MACHINE, the vibe was immaculate.

⁷ As seen in Avengers 17: We Saved the World Again, in theaters this summer! Go watch it. Right now. The corporations demand it. DO IT. CONSUME.

⁸ Make sure your meds don't interact with grapefruit. Grapefruit may cause side effects including sour taste. Ask your doctor if grapefruit is right for you.

⁹ You know, like, a tasting menu or something!!

[nancypullen]

This Time Tomorrow...

I'll be slogging through airport security. But shortly after that I'll be flying through the sky in a chair (doesn't that sound magical?) and eventually landing in Paris.

We'll leave Baltimore around 5pm, connect at JFK, and fly overnight into beautiful Paris. Not going to lie, that first day will be rough. It will be noonish in France when we land. Once we get through passport control and claim our luggage we're catching a 3pm train to Strasbourg. The train ride is about an hour and 45 minutes. Once we arrive in Strasbourg our AirBnB is about a 4 minute walk from the train station...if you're not a 61-year-old zombie. So we'll be arriving at our lodging around 5 o'clock. I promise you that I'll be finished with the day by then. Maybe, just maybe, this will be the trip where I sleep like a baby on the plane and arrive refreshed. There's always a chance, right? But I'm betting on pure exhaustion by the time we unlock the door to our little French abode. As excited as I am about this trip, getting that day out of the way is the first hurdle. So we depart on the evening of the 7th, and the 8th will just be arrival and sleep. Then the adventure begins. I'll take you along to enchanting Alsatian villages and whatever else we discover along the way. BUT...before any of that happens I'm puttering around the house, making sure everything is ready for the cat sitter and for our return. I need to mention that after 42 years of being the only one who did any of that, Mr. Pullen has decided that he will actively participate in all of that fun. He's been tidying, laying in kitty supplies, etc. I don't know what to do with myself when half my chore list is already checked off. This is fun. I've had time to even clean up garden areas for fall (even though it's 80 degrees, yuck!). Remember that German Pink tomato plant that gave me an ulcer this summer? I babied the heck out of that thing and it bloomed like crazy but never produced fruit. I finally just completely ignored it, and now it has eight beautiful tomatoes on it.

Of course. Maybe they'll be perfect in two weeks when we're home, maybe the whole plant will be dead. I waited all summer and now I don't care anymore. Stupid plant. Probably should have waited to take the photo until after I pulled that big ol' weed. Whatever.

Oh! Before I forget, I received an email asking how the clay ghosts turned out that I made in early September (I think?). Eh, mixed results. The candy corn ghost is okay, looks fine with a little battery-powered votive underneath. He's sitting out with some other Halloween decor, doing his job.

The little ghost that I decided to dress in a patchwork quilt is another story. The quilt squares were just okay, but I could live with it, but then I ruined the whole dang thing because I painted his eyes too close together. He has issues.

I kept him in my craft room because I felt bad for doing that to him. We're friends now.

In other news, I was clearing photos out of my phone (100 flower pictures...why??) because I anticipate taking loads of photos on this trip. I came across some fun snaps of birthday gifts...

look at these beautiful sterling silver Scottish thistle earrings, purchased with an Etsy gift card.

I love them! A nod to my heritage, but also just pretty.

Then there was this picture of a luggage tag that I'm tickled with and, yes, I'm just that boring.

It's heavy duty acrylic, and on a metal loop, so super durable - not likely to be torn off, and it's SO CUTE. I covered my phone number because I don't want any calls from weirdos. Another Etsy purchase.

With that same Etsy gift card I found mosaic supplies that I plan to experiment with this winter (I'm excited!) and even this adorable glass tumbler that makes me smile every morning when I drink my protein shake.

And wait until you see this duo!

Not only is that a treasure of a travel journal with perfect prompts...

...but that little pink case is a TINY PHOTO PRINTER!

I've got an app on my phone, so I can select a photo and send it to the little printer with one touch. It prints a picture of excellent quality, and I can peel the back off and stick it right into my travel journal! Holy cow! These were all birthday gifts from people that I love, so they're already special - but man, do they know me well or what? I'm still wallowing around in the birthday love and I've been 61 for 11 days already. I even received flowers. Isn't it always the loveliest surprise when the doorbell rings and there are flowers on the other side? They arrived before my birthday and at the end of the first week some of the most delicate blooms were fading. I always just start plucking out the dying blooms and shrink the bouquet until I have a single stem and some greenery left. I just snapped this - the bouquet is down to about half its original size, and I fear I'll have to say goodbye to it. I may reduce it to just a few flowers and leave a pretty bouquet for the cat sitter. I can't toss them.

When I receive flowers I always try to place them where I'll enjoy them/see them the most. Often I'll move them room to room. These started out on the dining room table, and moved to my craft room on the days I spent hours in there. I love fresh flowers in the house.

So I've rambled from tomatoes to bag tags and have probably bored you stiff. Take heart, I'll soon have beautiful photos to share from fairytale villages. The weather forecast concerns me - the temps look fantastic, but there are a handful of days where we may see rain. I don't want a repeat of my Irish hair.

I don't care about the 8th, that's mostly a travel day. I'm hoping that those other drizzly days clear off in a hurry.

There's not a thing I can do about the weather, so I'm not going to worry about it. Brace yourself, France.

Alrighty kids, I'm outta' here. I need to check my list and make sure I have everything ready before we make our escape. You won't hear from me before the 9th, unless I can't sleep at all on the 8th - then you may get a posting from the wee hours. Until then, sending you loads of love. Stay safe, stay well. Adieu! Au revoir! XOXO, Nancy P.S. I have discovered that our Paris AirBnB at the end of the trip is in the 7th arrondissement, the same as Ina Garten's apartment! I may have found out that her building is on Boulevard Raspail, right across from a fabulous fresh market. Stalker? Who, me? Hey, I just want to pose in front of her building, I don't think she's even there. I did download her autobiography, Be Ready When the Luck Happens, so she's already traveling with me.

[rodechi]

2024

I was debating for a while whether or not to write a midyear checkpoint for 2024. A lot has changed for me, and yet I feel most of my biggest prospects lie ahead of me still. But I feel that reflecting on where I am and how I got here is a good practice, nonetheless.

I kinda skimmed over it in my last post on here, but I would be remiss to not acknowledge the biggest change in my life: my relationship. I've written in the past about how I met Spowte, how things blossomed, how very lucky I felt being with him. I thought things could get no better. And yet, on November 11th, Spowte would do a stream that basically changed the course of my life.

It was a silly premise. Spowte, a novice artist; and Ica, who had lots of experience under his belt. The pair would be given prompts (mostly from Spowte's stream audience) and challenged to do sketches in Microsoft Paint in a 5-minute time limit. And of course, while they were focused on their work, it would be my job to be in the voice chat with them both to be a time-keeper and to run crowd-work -- to read chat for them, do bits and comedy to fill the downtime, and just be good company. It was a goofy stream filled with lots of laughter and fun. I remember going to bed happy that night.

Nearly a week later I woke up to a longer-than-average message from Ica. He told me how he had had such a fun time, and in wake of some bouts of self-discovery, he had come to the realization that he had a crush on Spowte... and me. I was honestly surprised. I didn't know how to process it at first. He said it wasn't anything he was going to pursue in a particularly serious fashion, but since he and I were both going to MFF and our friend group overlapped so much, he just wanted to let us know beforehand to prevent any awkwardness.

On the topic of MFF: not particularly long prior to this development with Ica, I had been invited to a group chat with a couple friends, one of whom was another bird I knew (but not very well), Ezra. We tried to make plans for the convention and talked about a lot of stuff we wanted to do. The conversation also naturally led to us talking about how things were going in our lives and relationships, and we got to know each other better. Before too long, I found myself having a measure of fondness for Ezra, so I kept up conversation with them outside of that chat, excited to have a new old friend.

Ezra was also a friend of Ica, and so when Ica confessed to Spowte and me, I talked to Ezra about it. They told me they had been crushing on Ica. Invigorated by the earlier news, I decided to let Ezra know I had a crush on them in addition. And so, whereas I went to bed the night before with 1 love in my heart, the very next night I went to bed with 3 in there instead. Before too long I found myself realizing just how deep that affection ran and, after some introspection and conversation with Spowte, we agreed to explore polyamory.

My life since then has been a blur in all the best ways. It hasn't always been perfect. There were growing pains of it being the first relationship like this for most of us, but patience and a LOT of honest communication always won the day.

A few months back we all met up and spent a week at an AirBNB together. It was genuinely the coziest time of my life and the safest and most loved I've ever felt.

I'll spare too many details, but I wanted to devote this post overall to these wonderful dorks who make my every day so much better and filled with both love and light.

To Spowte, who always cheers me on and gives me direction when I'm lost.

To Ica, who always makes me smile and gives me strength when I'm weak.

To Ezra, who always reads me like a book and gives me comfort when I'm upset.

Genuinely, I could not ask for a better group to spend my every day with. My first thoughts when I wake are of you, as are my last when I fall asleep. And all between, my thoughts are always of you and the immeasurable love I have for you.

Thank you for being you.

[mintyisms]

More Starters from the NeoBoards

quotes randomly taken from the Neopets boards, edited for clarity

"I've just been in pain this whole time."

"I'm sure you're pleasant in some other area, but this ain't it."

"Chipotle mayo is the superior condiment for almost anything. Change my mind."

"Wait. . .I thought this WAS a cult. Am I in the wrong place?"

"Your Airbnb should come with bedding. "

"I will provide entertainment. I don't take requests, you will get what you get."

"This commune is going to be awful."

"I'm growing soybeans to make tofu, but it's gonna be a while."

"I'm straight and I want a million dollars to be set for life."

"Halloween is life!"

"This isn't related, but I JUST spilled a full glass of bright red fruit punch on my white rug."

"My dreams were crushed when I learned I had to know real math to be an architect."

"The actual amount of space in space unsettles me."

"Do you have a giant laser and a moat full of crocodiles in your house?"

"My favorite insects are dragonflies because nobody expects that."

"Hey, can I get directions to the nearest Olive Garden?"

"First, visit a person's country, check their climate and vegetation, and then determine if 'touch grass' is okay to tell them."

"I definitely won't regret this later when my acid reflux gets real bad."

"I wanna go take some old lady water aerobics classes."

"Having a job is stupid."

"I feel like you are morally obligated to be personally invested in this issue, or you are the lowest form of being in existence and worthy of punishment and ostracization."

"Is the monster in the bathroom? 'cause that's where I saw it go last."

"I don't think I could bring myself to spend money on something called 'gamer fuel'."

"Personally, if it was me, I'd just cancel the wedding and go into hiding."

"All these bullies need to leave us losers alone and tear each other apart instead!"

"For legal reasons, my prior statement was based purely on a hypothetical question."

"My brain is Diet Coke and life just keeps throwing Mentos at me."

"Stop crying and go work out. Then cry at the gym!"

"I wanna live a lavish lifestyle without having to work."

"I'm trying to figure out if I can justify buying more art supplies."

[shanicenessssssssss]

Travel Tales Pt. 1

This thing started because I wanted to impress a man, yall.

Mid-December 2022, a few days after my birthday, I started flirting with a guy I knew for a few years and found fairly attractive, but never gave any energy to, and the first conversation we had was the spark that lit the match. The following is a snippet of said conversation:

Him - “I’m going to St. Lucia in a few days.” Me - “Make sure and visit Gros Islet and Rodney Bay, the marina is beautiful on a clear moonlit night. You see all the lights from the stars and the boats reflecting on the water and hear the waves slapping against the pier. It’s so calm and serene….” Him - “Hmmm… you’ve been everywhere, I can’t carry you anywhere new!” Me, intrigued - “I haven’t even scratched the surface on places I wanna go, especially in the Caribbean.” Him - “Where do you want to go next?” Me, thinking nothing of what I was saying, cuz I had no intention of actually going anywhere - “Jamaica maybe? Or Barbados, as it’s quite close to home (Tobago).”

Fast forward 4 months, I have my plane ticket to Jamaica in hand and am about to book my Airbnb in Ocho Rios. I am in no way encouraging anyone to do it this way, it is quite inadvisable to travel with someone who you have no real ties with. If you take anything away from reading this, it is that IT LITERALLY TAKES ONE DECISION.

I said yes that day in December. He intoxicated me with the idea of it being just a series of steps to get to the goal. No limits, no hesitation. Logistics would come later. It always seems impossible before you do it, before you take the first leap.

The last time I traveled was 2016 to the aforementioned St. Lucia, with my mom and daughter, who was a toddler at that time. If I’m not mistaken, the decision to go was somewhat similar, with me doing the convincing. Our saving grace was that a close relative was working on the island at the time, so accommodations and transportation was covered (and so expenses were lessened, hallelujah!). Basically, I think I’m due for a couple-hours long plane trip to a new place.

I’m making it sound rather click-bait-y, aren’t I? I haven’t said one thing yet about where the money being spent was coming from, and DUN-DUN-DUNNNN, if Mr. Mysterious is still my plus-one.

Let’s touch on the first part first - the finances.

I currently have a savings account in a local credit union with about $25K in savings, which was one of my savings goals. I am currently permanently employed, bringing in $50K a year before taxes, BUT I was living paycheck to paycheck until last year October, where I made my first official business investment that is bringing in an extra $2K a month, for at least the next year or so. While I have used some of that money to pay off the loan used to make the investment, some of that money was used to fund this trip. I also made the decision to allocate some of my salary towards the trip as well, instead of eating too much into the investment returns. More on this later.

I had identified the PERFECT travel time. I pat myself on the back every time I think about how this played out. In T&T, there’s a public holiday on the 30th of May, and another one on the 8th of June in 2023. Recall that I am employed, and obviously that means I would want to exploit all public holidays (anytime a holiday fell on a Thursday, best believe I was coughing on the phone the Friday so I could be home for 4 whole days…cough cough). I also did some preliminary research on the island and I realized that the island was bigger than home (i.e. I couldn’t drive around the entire island in a day comfortably while sightseeing), so a short 3- or 4- day trip would leave me wanting, or extremely exhausted by trying to squeeze everything into such a short time. After conferring with Mr. Mysterious, I decided that a week-long stay was the sweet spot - enough time to explore some of the tourist-y things to do, while allowing for relaxation and regular life as well. Put those two together, and we get a full 7 days in Jamaica, a prep day before and a rest day after.

Things are falling into place so seamlessly! That only gave me further confirmation that this trip was supposed to happen. Nothing can stop me now! ……..*crickets*

Mr. Mysterious, who has been talking to me almost every single day since that fateful December day, suddenly ghosted me March-month end. No explanation, just radio silence. Granted, we had had a bit of a tiff concerning something unrelated right before the ghosting, but I don’t think it was serious enough to warrant THIS?! I wouldn’t know though, cuz he’s a ghost 👻. I can’t ask. I waited a few days, and sent a follow-up “Hope you are well” text, expecting a response at least, but I've been left on read till this day. I was shook, cuz the safety net I was banking on with this trip was that I wasn’t alone, so the burden of solo travel would be at least lessened. And he also was a seasoned traveler, the exact opposite to me, so that was another thing that made me breathe a bit easier. He knew the ins and outs of international travel and could guide me along. For the first few nights after accepting the disappointment of the absolute curry duck (Trini stale joke) I had just experienced, the trip loomed in front of me, again gigantic and seemingly impossible once again. All the insecurities I had silenced with a proud middle finger at the start of the journey came back up, cackling in my face: Can you even afford to go on this trip alone? How will you get around? You will be stuck in Jamaica for 7 whole days…what were you even thinking? Are you even still considering going, after this shake-up? The nasty chatter got louder in my head. I admit, I looked up whether I could get a full refund of my ticket (no), and if I could ask somebody, anybody to take Mr. Mysterious’ place (also no, that’s unreasonable).

So, I pulled up my big girl panties and made the big girl decision to do my first solo trip to Jamaica in June 2023. I mean, it would have happened eventually - I had put traveling on my vision board, BUT I didn’t expect God to drop me into the deep end like this?!! Damn!

On a more serious note, what I won’t do is question how things are playing out. I have learned long ago that even if things don’t work out exactly how I planned it to, things always work out in the end. Maybe I would be so caught up in building my future career that I won’t have time to travel as much as I like. Maybe this is exactly what I need to build some more confidence in myself and my abilities. Maybe this is what I need to clear out the fuzz in my head - time away from everything, in a hammock, spending much-needed alone time. It will be revealed to me why this happened when it happened, how it happened, in due time. I’m not even stressed or pressed. Also, I am on the last leg of my degree, and having put blood, sweat and tears into the last couple years, I convinced myself that I needed to reward myself for sticking with it and completing it. While an international trip was not on my list of things I thought up of for the celebration (it was more along the lines of a celebratory dinner at a nice restaurant with a few glasses of wine), I sold myself on the idea, as I was intoxicated by Mr. Mysterious’ siren song. I deserve!

Let me touch on some of the things I had the good fortune of having and utilizing in this prep time, leading up to the actual flight dates. Remember, planning had started a whole 6 months before, so I had allotted time for procrastination and plan changes. We’ll discuss Google Flights, using a calendar in a specific way, and what I plan to do.

I’m on a tight budget, and so my main issue was allocating my limited resources in the best way possible to be able to cover every essential. Before the ghosting situation, my main expenses were the plane tickets, and spending money (Mr. Mysterious gallantly offered to handle the accommodation costs). Google Flights had come in CLUTCH! The site has a calendar to see when the cheapest flights were, compared by dates, as well as the option to track flights’ price changes. AS I had already outlined the PERFECT travel dates, I just scrolled down to the dates, and lo and behold, the prices I saw were among the cheapest for the month. I had used the price tracking  option, as I started accumulating funds for the purchase of the ticket. Things were chugging along well! No reason why something would go off-kilter, right? Right??

I remember vividly waking up one morning and seeing that the price of the ticket had become a few hundred dollars more expensive.

My heart dropped. I hadn’t gotten all the money at that time, and it was honestly discouraging to have to stretch my already-stretched budget to accommodate this extra expenditure. Nevertheless, she persisted. I had accumulated my $4k in cash, ready to buy tickets by early February. Sis was READY and DETERMINED. I had listened to a podcast that celebrated doing the Thing that involved one taking a giant step with no going backsies. That Thing for me was spending $4k on a trip. It seems silly and trivial now, but my heart was set on doing the Thing. My dreams were consumed by the fantasy excursions Mr. Mysterious and I were going to experience on this beautiful island. Then another confirmation that I was supposed to go on this trip - the airline I was planning to go with had a Valentine’s day sale:

This was it, yall. I was going to Jamaica. This was the sign from God I needed. And I didn’t even see it, it was Mr. Mysterious who sent me a screenshot from his IG feed. My heart sang for that entire week. I was going to Jamaica! I did the Thing, and bought my tickets on Valentine’s Day!

Going on in the background of all this was my 12-week planning on Notion. I had counted 12 weeks into the future from the week I decided to go in mid-December, and created a calendar with a task to complete for each week. These tasks included making a list of locations to visit when we got there, making lists of things to pack, things that I need to have organized before and during the trip, etc. This gave me the time I required to do any future-based thinking, grouped neatly into manageable segments so I wouldn’t feel overwhelmed when I sat and thought about things. I chose Notion simply because I had previous experience using the calendar when I was planning out semester tasks and due dates, and I had always found it to be very easy to use. Plus, you could decorate it. I had embraced my full “speak it into existence” self, and put up pictures and affirmations - a virtual vision board, if you will. Also, this 12-week spread would give me a couple ‘free’ weeks before the actual trip, instead of being exact with the timing. Maybe God knew what He was guiding me to do, cuz with this change in the plan, I would need some extra time to sort stuff out.

To be honest, I still don’t believe that Mr. Mysterious ghosted me. I keep oscillating between the reasoning that he probably has something major going on in his life and needs some time to himself, and the Bad Bitch alter-ego, looking down at him with a upturned nose, lumping him with all the other fuckboys I had the unfortunate luck of meeting and interacting with. The insecure baby girl inside of me has so many questions, mainly if I had done something wrong, but if I am to take my mental health and self-confidence journey seriously, I have to be okay with whatever happens around me, regardless of whether it is positive or negative in my perception. When I start overthinking about it, I stop and visualize myself being a boat in the middle of a vast ocean, in a thunderous storm. Waves as tall as houses are rocking me side to side, up and down, but I still stay afloat, above the waves. I stay confident that this storm will end, and I will complete the journey I planned to, in one piece. I am confident in God’s plan; when thing don’t go my way I stress a lil bit, then release my hold on the outcome I wanted, knowing better will come.

We have reached the point where we discuss the now. Yes, I lied about not being stressed or pressed. I am very much stressing and pressing. I now face some nail-biting, belly-hurting decisions. Best believe that I am not making light of the situation. I know it is so much more dangerous to be a female solo traveler. The decisions I choose to make have unknown consequences and repercussions that I have no clue is in my future. The travel blogs I’ve read seem to gloss over this fact, varnishing it with pretty titles such as “Do’s and Don’ts To Keep You Safe”, maybe because it is an ugly truth that danger is lurking no matter where you go.

Maybe I really do need the time away from the usual routine to view my life through fresh, new eyes. Maybe this really is the Thing I need to start off the rest of my life with. God knows I’ve been feeling hamster-wheel-y for the past few months. Maybe this will be the worst thing I will have ever done, a complete waste of money and time. Regardless of what the outcome is, if I am to experience it, I will. Being adaptable to change, instead of resistant to it may very well be the lesson I have to learn from this experience.

As of now, the most immediate pivot I have to make is that I have to tack on a few extra hundred US to cover Airbnb accommodations for the entire week, as well as more spending money as I have no ‘safety net’ in Mr. Mysterious anymore, per se. As I type this, I remember a quote I saw recently:

And with that, I bid you adieu. I will post an update when I get closer to The Date. Thanks for sticking with my dramatic ass till the end. I would LOVE to hear any tips for beginner solo traveling, and comment with more places that I can visit in Jamaica. I appreciate your love and support!

Kisses,

S.

[fleurcareil]

Going for the next adventure!

Hi all, after a year of Tumblr absence (my last post was from March 2022 when my Nature Interpretation course finished), I've decided to have another go at blogging, partially because multiple friends have suggested to do so but mostly because I realized during my course that I really liked it. I was horrible as a child at keeping a diary, so we'll see how it goes but am going to try to write once a week.

So why now?? Because I've finally made the first big step towards my next adventure; I resigned from my job and gave notice to my landlord last week, so by 1st June I'll be home- and job-less... I can't wait! 😜

After a lot of time figuring things out & making a plan during 2022 (more about that some other time), I'm really excited to start a new life and career in southern Chile, hoping to fulfil my dream of working in conservation management at a private park. Have no clue where exactly I'll be living or which job I'm going to have, but that's ok as it's still quite far out. First, I'm going to take some time out of work to capture that true feeling of freedom in which I don't need to do anything except the things that I want to... I felt it during my 3-month sabbatical in 2004 when I was traveling in South America, and I hope I will find it again this year!

The plan is like this; drive off into the sunrise on 1st June and do a big au revoir - farewell road trip through Canada, going back to places that I cherished and exploring new areas that I haven't been yet. I have some ideas where I want to go; Haida Gwaii in the west and Labrador in the east are definitely on the itinerary, however as you can see below that's over 7,000 km apart, so I have some choices to make in between!

There are many more important things I need to sort out before I leave so creating that plan will have to wait for now. I'll have my camping gear with me, so between campgrounds, motels, hotels & AirBnB I should be able to find a place to stay each night. I'll go back to the GTA mid-September once the rain starts and temperatures drop; by then I'll likely also be tired of traveling... selling the car & organizing my last things shouldn't take too long and then I'll be off to Europe to spend the last months of the year at my parents and reconnecting with long-time friends. I left Europe in 2006 so it will be good to be back there for a while and ground myself in the past before embarking into the unknown future. And then once I've obtained a visa, I'll be off to Chile in the new year in search of my destiny!

That's it for this week... I want to include pictures in all my blogs, so I thought of sharing pics of my front yard just two weeks apart; the top one was taken on 10th March and the second one on 26th March. It's amazing how quickly things can change once the wheels are set in motion (e.g. melting snow by increased sun energy) ... I believe the same applies to me; after having thought things through for a long time, now I've actually made the decision, I'm certain that things will go very fast & I'll be on my way in no time!

[strattonxpressions]

Nathan Galedo

1. Name, Year, Major, and Hometown

Nathan Galedo, 4th Year Aerospace Engineering, Vallejo

2. What is your earliest childhood memory? 

I used to live in San Francisco at the time, and I remember walking with my grandma to the local Pacific Super, just to get gummi choco or mini m&ms just before the checkout, and I’d watch the m&m container go on the circular conveyor belt. I also miss the smell of everything too, as far as Asian supermarket smells go, the fish and dewy smell, very nostalgic, and I miss it.

3. What’s stopping you?

Nothing really!

4. What is something about yourself that you’re proud of?

I’m proud of how far I’ve come to be more confident in myself towards others.

5. If you could have any one question answered truthfully, what would it be?

Can’t think much of one very well, but if I were to be asking this to myself, I would ask am I happy?

6. Who is your celebrity/fictional crush? 

Can’t really think of one. But, I’m just gonna lob Arden Cho.

7. How would you spend your ideal birthday? 

I would spend my ideal birthday by driving up to Bodega Bay with family and/or friends, listening to Kings of Convenience, buying bags of oysters, lemon, and tabasco, heading to our airbnb, listening to jazz music, sitting on the patio, and I’ll have a cake from a French patisserie. Dream birthday would be different, but this, this is ideal.

8. What food that starts with the first letter of your name would you only eat for the rest of your life?

A Napoleon, a flaky puff pastry filled with custard and or pastry cream. #1.

9. What’s one niche interest you have that you must share with the world?

Not that niche, but my interest in van life, I think that’s kind of cool. Like the videos you see of people living in a decked out Mercedes-Benz Sprinter, and being able to camp all around the world and live in it, with pull-out tables and awnings, lavish interior, cool amenities, and travelling across the coast, or even doing road trips in Europe, I would want to share that with someone.

10. What is a memory with your closest friend and how does it exemplify your friendship together and how you value friendship as a whole (250 words minimum)

A memory I have with my closest friend, rather closest friends, is travelling down to LA with them for my 21st birthday. Not only did they bring me to Disneyland, but also brought me around town to meet their friends, to enjoy each other's company, eat amazing food, and become closer with my faith. My favorite place to eat that they brought me to was Harucake, not only because I’m always sharing videos with them of it, but more so, they know I love food. They’ve brought me to places I would’ve otherwise dreamed of visiting myself if not with them, and I’m so appreciative that they know so much about me, that they think of me in such a way. The most memorable might have to be them bringing me to their church, and meeting like-minded people who genuinely live the way they do because of their faith. I think I put a lot of emphasis on living through believing, and my friends recognize that about me, especially in the ways that I want to live and how to live, believing in good people, life, love, and other things that come with being alive. Them knowing me so much so, changes my definition of friendship in so many ways, rather, them knowing me for me, and also knowing them that it’s so effortless to be around and just get together once again. Having to be seamless in hanging out with someone, and having natural friendship and affinity for all of us to be together, is something that I appreciate and value so much in a friendship as a whole, where I don’t have to try as much to be someone’s friend, but rather, be friends with them whimsically and naturally.

[smallpuppy]

Altadena Fire Pt 3

Sherry texted me two photos on Wednesday at 2:49pm. One was of her neighbor Neal's property to the north, or what was left of it: stairs, a chimney, the front door concrete frame. The second was of her house and my house, grass still intact, front yards still with greenery. There was clear fire behind the houses and we couldn't tell if they were in our yards or in the houses behind us, but it was a temporary relief to see our houses standing. "Maria on the southwest corner said her house was burned." So that's 2 houses so far that confirmed burned on our street.

She texted me again at 7:59pm: "As of 4:30pm your house was standing - the deck was on fire - 2 guys were getting water from our pool and putting it out. Holly was able to get there for a few minutes." Whoever those two men are that helped, I am beyond grateful. I wish I could find their identities and thank them. Just putting out that fire in our backyard saved our house. I told Sherry I would make an attempt to go to the houses the following day since others managed to make it to take full photo assessment of the front and back of both properties. ----- Thursday at 11:15am, Daniel's coworker gave us a video call. "You guys are sooooo lucky." The call was spotty and lagged, but the image was clear enough: our property was 100% intact. Part of Sherry's property was damaged, but only in the back; her ADU where her daughter lived was burned but only on the exterior from what I could see, furniture, plants. The dividing wooden fence between our yards was completely burned but only up to the point where it aligned with my house, and if the wooden fence was actually installed into the ground things could have been a lot worse....the stone wall prevented rapid spread onto our land. The fence that fell was burned most likely landed on my lawn furniture that was donated to me by one of my friends and that's what started the fire there. I decided it was time for me to travel back home to see what I could in person. I arrived around 3:40pm and yes indeed, my house, Sherry's house, and the house to the south of me were all intact.

I checked Sherry's backyard first and took photos. her ADU where her daughter lived was only a barebones structure, and inside was nothing but ashes. Her front house was pristine. My house, garage, and shed were intact if not smelling a bit like char, but not on fire. I could see evidence of where the two men had put out the fire between our homes on the fence as well as our driveway gate that had charring on it and half collapsed, but clearly was extinguished.

The other houses surrounding us on all sides were not even remotely lucky. Aside from my neighbor at the south and his neighbor east of him, the houses behind myself and Sherry didn't make it. None of the other houses on our side of the street made it. Across the street, none. We certainly had gotten so lucky. ----- I went inside my house and photographed every room at the advice of friends. Things smelled like smoke, soot had made it through the door cracks and left piles (and now I know why the house got cold so quickly in the winter), and grabbed a few more things with me. Our Switches. More cat food. The Bible my Mima gave me when I was 7. Extra toiletries. Shorts for Daniel. Extra underwear and socks and shirts for us. One more sweater for me. An air purifier for my mom. The air purifier for my mom was most important as she has asthma and is staying in an AirBnB in Pasadena. She was staying there since Christmas due to construction on her house and refused to evacuate. She was worried sick about the status of her house, so I went to check. Still intact, or as intact as a house under construction could be. The entire neighborhood was safe, really. With my mother now at ease and myself at ease for the most part and a long drive back to Selly's, I chatted with my friends on Discord to keep me sane for the 2 hours drive and then I finally got a full night's sleep. But we're not out of the clear yet. There were going to be virtual meetings to attend on Friday.

[liminaltrainstation]

On Guinea Fowls and Dust

5:30 am. Sunrise over Lusaka, Zambia. It is quiet and then fast, i blink and the sky is a cool rising blue. Just half an hour ago the darkness seemed so contained while i lay in the small white bed looking outside, speaking on Whatsapp to Jamar. I think the challenge when you arrive anywhere is to look at yourself and persuade yourself to not imagine a ‘place’ as something useful to ‘you’. My enjoyment, my joy, my happiness - looking at people and their surroundings as an experience meant to bring me more fulfilment. How selfish and utterly first world. Instead, the drive should be - what does this place mean? Who are its people? How do I interface with this new terrain in a way that is meaningful to them. How can what i learn change me? Especially in a place so ancient, so old - the bones of this place has histories that I probably cannot comprehend. Ancestors past our species walking through this flora, transforming slowly into who we became. Bullish dreamers. Sometimes i fear that my realizations, the good ones coming from a genuine place, are things people have always known. People less self-centered than me. Sometimes i fear that my grand realizations about humanity are like, coming in super slow because i am slowly unfurling my narcissism. LOL, super late into adulthood. 33. 

I stopped writing here - momentarily, spotting a Guinea Fowl outside my Airbnb window. It stands still and looks at its surroundings. It continues to stare. I am trying to understand if it is looking at the space around it like I look at the space around me - with wonder. Walking home last night from ‘Granddaddys’ at 9 PM, sundown, through the outskirts of this city, trailing the road to our airbnb compound the lights were small, only around when needed. I did not see the moon above us but i felt her presence on the walls and on people's skin. Purple light from the back of BLACKS club illuminating a steel wall across the street. Our shadows are moving past it, i think I should capture it on camera but my tiredness from the flight keeps me from jumping into action. 

Earlier on the phone with Jamar i say that the realization of my adulthood is that i feel the same things all the time, and it doesn't become more extreme based on what i’m experiencing, my ‘feelings’ just attach itself to something else every time. My joy, the thrill, the happiness, the anxieties - all of them attach itself to the life i’m living at any given moment. 

I sense that this city will be spacious, people moving at their own pace without the clamour of a city that is bursting at the seams like a Bombay, an Addis, a Lagos. Momentarily passing though Addis, Abbaba i felt that human spirit. Looking outside of my plane window onto dusty, desert terrain. North African environment. Buildings erected out of the sand, a city in between the tumultuous dust and haze. I thought to myself ‘It’s like landing in Arrakis’, a mostly indulgent fantastical main character type of thought, but i also felt there was some truth to my experience in Africa with the underlying themes in Dune. Colonization, Desert Planet, Vast untethered landscape - what is the underlying tragedy here. What is the overarching happiness? What is the truth? I must find it. In my two weeks here, I must seek it out - in between local beers, interviews, car rides and barbequed meat - my mission is to find the answers.

[thelibraryofeyonthee]

Wow. I Am So Through.

I am exhaling for a moment because this time period has been so exhausting. I've literally been holding my breath trying to handle it all. So, I just want to dump out everything that has been in my mind and my heart to say. There's been a huge lesson and an even huger transition for me and I believe it worthwhile to document it for me and for you dear reader.

I recently had a huge move-out on Wednesday, January 31, 2024. It was expectedly -unexpected because I had assumed where I was living would be a place of refuge and somewhere I could stay until I got back on my feet –well if anything I was probably better off before I arrived and exiting was saving me from further damage.

Originally, when I went to this place, it was marketed as a place for people to get back on their feet. A shared living space no doubt, with the Christian goal of providing low-cost living, for those needing a helping hand. . . or so it seemed. The first host, Bert, one an older gentlemen in his early 70s, White, seemingly God-fearing, a man put on this earth with his self-proclaimed purpose to help house the houseless, primarily youth and young adults. A self-proclaimed poor millionaire who owned a few properties with this purpose in mind, saying that he hadn't set out to be a millionaire but God willed it for this overarching purpose. Ironically, my departure from said establishment was the complete opposite of the his stated purpose, but I'll get to that later.

The second host, Hamilton, was a young gentlemen in his early 30s, Black, a creative who used to purpose a singing career, who now found himself pursing a degree to work in the medical field. Also, a young God-fearing man who shared the same sentiments of helping as his older counterpart. They'd done this many of times and felt drawn to one another for this mission. Bert was the owner of the property, where Hamilton was able to live too, as Hamilton had fallen on hard times and Bert showed up to save him, allowing his to live in his personal home. On the property, there were 2 homes, the main house where the tenants lived and Bert's private home. Bert was renting out the 3 rooms in the main house and Hamilton was living with Bert -such a kind gesture.

When a space became available for Hamilton to live in the main house he did. Bert was even so gracious as to help Hamilton convert the one of the 3-bedrooms into an airbnb rental to help Hamilton increase his income. The pair had been living with way for a while. So when I entered the picture, especially after hearing these stories, I knew this was a place that would certainly provide a helping hand for me. Originally, I was an airbnb guest when I'd moved to this new town. I found the pair to be exactly what I needed, God-fearing, and queer, and interesting mixture that I myself had not truly interacted with. They'd let me know that they would have an opening in the house if I needed a more permanent stay of which I obliged.

They assisted my move-in and were always there if I needed help or had a question. They wanted to create a new system and myself and another roommate (Hamilton's mother), were going to be their first test subjects. They wanted to create 1-year leases, offer below market rent for a room, but most importantly, help those who needed to get on their feet by providing all they had. They were seemingly a Godsend. Thus, I began my journey with them in April 2023, working doubly hard to make sure the rent was on time to show my appreciation, trying to find employment after I'd been let go at the end of 2022, working 12hr days driving for Lyft & Uber, and all around trying to keep my head above water living in LA.

Now, here's where the facade slips and true intentions come to light. September 2023, the small gig I had gotten was undergoing layoffs, I couldn't do Uber & Lyft as my insurance lapsed due to my income lessening. I then applied for unemployment to supplement for rent and all of my living expenses, but of course it wasn't enough. During this time, I drew up a proposal to let them know about my income change and to see how we might work together, or if I could provide services or resources to help supplement due to my income change. They were doing construction to expand the home and provide more space for their mission people needing help and a home. My thoughts were that they'd been so kind and helping before so surely we could come up with a plan that could help them and me –boy was I wrong.

They told me that there was nothing they could do. That they weren't here to save people from drowning (Hamilton's words). Bert said if rent is not paid then he has to go out and give massages/side gigs and do random handyman work to make ends meet, which was counter to this millionaire persona he upheld from the beginning. Almost talking down on people who went to school and got a degree. He seemed to loath people who were 9 to 5 workers because he would exclaim how much he wanted to be in charge of his time, so he never would take a day job. Little did I know, he was no better off than the rest of the working world, he just knew how to make it sound different –as though he was an entrepreneur who God had wildly blessed with properties and real estate that allowed him to have more than enough. However, they both were dependent upon the low-cost housing tenants, such as myself to make ends meet, so the switch-up in their energy towards me made sense because I was interrupting their flow.

They drew up a new contract that said my 1-year lease had been shortened from April 2023 - April 2024, down to April 2023 to December 2023, they'd take off $120 from monthly, and instead of rent being due monthly, it was now due weekly. The utter shock; that was not what I expected, but it was their home and their rules. I thought, wow, I didn't see that coming, as it wasn't that I couldn't pay the rent it was moreso my income was shifting and I was trying to get ahead of it and hoping together we could find a solution that allowed us to all win. I was hoping to leave in a better condition than when I'd gotten there, which again, was what their mission entailed. Their mission: to provide below market-rent for people needing help and/or to be housed. However, that statement was only true under-condition. The condition being, they weren't truly there to help, they were only there to look like help.

It was in September that I realized the switch and change in their attitude and behavior towards me, once they were helpful and asked me to come to them if I needed anything, but now there was cold and distance. I truly believed they had my back, as they had dealt with all types of people in the past and allowed them to live in the house until they got on their feet. Even Bert, would look for homeless people to house in his home, so of course I'm thinking surely someone like me, who is a hard worker, and had just fallen on hard times could receive the help that they offered.

As December 2023 was upon us, I was trying to figure out my next moves, I still hadn't found decent income, my unemployment was nearing its end, and trying to find new housing was impossible. I'd told them if they had other resources or knew a place where I could go –no was the answer. I couldn't seem to understand why they didn't seem to care that I was alone and needed help. Why the mission they'd stated from the beginning of being a helping hand for the houseless seemed so far from what I was experiencing.

Then, one day Hamilton came to me, and said because December 31 was coming soon, if I would like to stay until January 31, and I wasn't sure because of my income situation and the lack of housing, what I should do. He gave me about 3days to answer, and now I can only question if I was asked that because they needed the money. Oddly enough, they were doing construction inside and outside of my room. Adding a beautiful bathroom onto my room, so I was living in a construction zone from September - January, sometimes until late at night. I even inquired about a construction schedule and for them to define hours because myself, along with the other tenant, literally couldn't be in the home sometimes due to the noise and huge drilled holes on the floor in the common room, right outside my bedroom door. I could tell there had been zero preparation or thought about how this would affect our living condition. They truly did not give a damn, what was important was building what they wanted to build so they could make more money.

I'd been paying rent to help them further their housing expansion, while spending my last unemployment money, barely having enough for food, living expenses, etc., and yes they were aware of this, but were fine with continuing to take. I did not matter.

Finally, the day is coming for me to move-out and I was so ready to leave, because I hated being there. Zero boundaries, Bert would always walk into the house to do random fixes to the construction, as if we the tenants weren't paying to live there. Oh and all hours of the night too, just zero regard for others, although this was his whole mission, seemingly living for others' benefit as Jesus did. But, I digress, its hard for me to have lived it and not be totally put off by the hypocrisy of it all. Now, I have a heavy bed, a temperpedic, with the adjustable base, and a bed frame, all queen-sized (super heavy). Boxes of my items ranging from small to large. Would you believe never once did they ask if I needed help moving or if I had found a place to live? I told them I hadn't found a space and didn't know where I'd live; zero concern or care for me. Thankfully, friends were able to send me funds so I could get a storage unit & a van to move my heavy bed, but between my car & a small van, I moved my entire self to a small storage unit. And on the night of my move-out after I was all done, Bert, who originally helped me move my bed in his moving van, yes he owns a moving van, had the nerve to ask me "how were you able to move your bed?" Of course, I said by myself. All of those items, I had to move alone. Two adults that didn't even lift a finger to help. It's also noteworthy, that a week prior, Bert didn't even recall helping me move my bed originally, he tends to get selective amnesia, (he claims he can't remember a lot of things after he began taking care of his mother), however on this night, he seemed to remember that I had a bed and that it must have been heavy enough for him to question how I moved it –wow what a selective memory.

Hamilton also wanted to extend a helping hand by stating that if things got bad and I had to live in my car, that I could park on the lot and sleep in my car and I could ask to come in and shower. These two are quite the generous pairing. Just, wow. I don't even need to comment on that part.

A friend commented saying "hmm seems like you were paying for their generosity."

[serialfirstdater]

London #1: The London Nurse

So, I moved to London. Woot! That means a new pond to fish in. I won't bother writing up my remaining dates in Toronto. For analytic purposes, I went out with 9 guys before I left for London since I restarted Toronto dating in 2023.

Now to officially kick off the London Dating Series!

I did the thing I told myself I wouldn't do. And that was getting on the apps too early before I landed in London.

I re-opened Hinge and started swiping at the end of May. I came across a cute half-Asian, half-white guy and we immediately hit it off. We soon transitioned to video and phone calls, keeping in contact daily for the entire month up until I arrived.

For that month, we shared our goals, interests, and whatnot. Messaging him daily became a routine for me. He really liked me because I was pretty, we had similar goals, and were interested in each other.

Every day he would say how attractive I was and constantly asked for photos of me. I can see why this would be too much for other people. However, I was interested in him, and it didn't bother me as much (at the time). I saw he was heavily invested in me.

I will admit when I found out how much he made in London as a nurse, it affected my enthusiasm for moving to London. I thought nurses here made as much as they do back in Canada! My brain had already forecasted what it would be like to live in London with our salaries combined, which truly stressed me out. I can't help but forecast if I am interested in a guy.

Throughout our time chatting, I kept re-iterating that there was a chance we might not work out irl. The reason is that I have had this happen to me many times, where I hit it off with a guy via phone call or video chat. Then once I meet them in person, I lose all interest. He kept denying it and saying that as long as we were attracted to each other now, he couldn't see it changing.

Boy oh boy, the man was so wrong.

He came to pick me up at my AirBnB as he was too excited to see me. When I saw him in person, I was shooketh. He was a lot bigger in person than I expected.

The thing is that he used to be obese when he was younger. But he managed to lose all that weight when he was 22. I thought that meant he reverted to a normal-sized guy. However, what I saw was not that. He said he gained some weight, but I thought that just meant a little belly. I was wrong.

Despite having a slim face, I could only describe him as a skinny guy wearing a fat suit. It was a complete turn-off and I knew it was over.

He took me on a 5-hour date and was excited the entire time that I was finally there in London. He tried so hard to impress me. So much so that before we met up, I told him that one of my plug convertors was broken. He immediately purchased a new one for me from Amazon.

For our date, he took me to a Japanese restaurant that he kept claiming was the best in the city. To be honest, it wasn't that great and that's coming from someone who likes to eat anything and everything. I believe the restaurant is popular because everything is super cheap.

When I watched him eat, he hunched over and took tiny sips from the miso soup. I think it was an obese person's habit? It looked like he was trying to make himself as small as possible. As mean as it is to say, I was turned off by his table manners.

Throughout dinner (and the date), I didn't know what to say. I had many moments where I was quiet and he asked me what was wrong. We had been chatting every day for a month, and I knew everything about him. But now that I lost interest, I had no more conversation starters.

He later took me around London and I had him take several photos and video clips of me in front of the Big Ben tower. Then it was bubble tea.

When we finished bubble tea, I told him I was thinking of walking to my AirBnB. He insisted that he walk me back, despite it being a 1.5-hour walk. He asked if he could hold my hand or if that was too fast. However, when we first met, he immediately put his arm around my shoulders when walking without asking for my permission or gauging my comfort the entire time.

"Um, I am not comfortable if that's okay..." I told him, as we started to head in the direction of my AirBnB.

He got quiet, then asked, "Did you want another date?"

I grimaced internally and said, "I am uncertain."

He asked why or if there was a reason.

I knew there was no way I could tell him it was because I felt a little catfished. I did not realize he was bigger than I built him up to be in my mind.

"I rather not get into it, I hope that's okay," I told him.

He went quiet and I tried to make conversation for a few minutes. After about five minutes or so, I asked if he really wanted to walk me home. That was when he said he'd just get on the tube and head home.

He hugged me goodbye and thanked me for coming out. Told me to message him once I got home safely.

Once he left, I broke down because I felt truly awful for breaking his heart. I called back home to my cousin in Canada and told her what happened. That night I questioned everything, including why I moved to London because everything terrible happened in the last 24 hours. This included a rough commute from the airport to my AirBnB, to my AirBnB being a slumlord rental (that took 3-4 days for me to fight for an early check-out and partial refund).

I was only sad for that night because I went to my first Thursday Dating event in London the following day. I felt so much better, knowing that I was no longer tied to the London Nurse so I could start fresh with my new life in London.