smallpuppy

[smallpuppy]

House

HOUSE We are IN. A. HOUSE. Granted it's a family house my mom inherited, but it's a house I grew up in, one I'm familiar with from every crack to every creak. It's a house I got to help make updates to, choose furniture for, organized and decorated. A house I feel completely safe in, in a neighborhood that has changed but I love regardless, in an area where I can enjoy listening to songbirds & roosters in the morning, and owls & coyotes at night. I'm so stoked.

[smallpuppy]

Coma

While I was staying with my friend mentioned in the previous posts back in April, there was one moment where there wasn't a smile to be had. My ex's sister messaged me. The ex who had been to jail, the ex who emotionally manipulated me, the ex who made me feel more worthless than I already felt, yet I stayed until I was broken into nothingness. The one who called me last September with delusions of his future, but finally an apology. She said he was in a coma from an accident: He was riding his bike without a helmet, hit a curb hard, and landed on his head so horribly that he needed emergency surgery and he was left in a coma. She messaged me because she remembered that I was one of the people who was close to him before and she felt that I should know. I just genuinely don't know how to feel. I mean, I never would have thought a coma would be what would bring him to a halt, and from what I could tell he was genuinely trying to get his life around, as off-track as it was.

His sister said by the time she contacted me he had already been out for a week, and the doctors said that the longer he stays in a coma the worse he will get.

I asked other friends, should I visit? Should I say something? Most said no, don't worry about it, that part of your life is over. But he was a friend first, a troubled friend who needed someone to care for him, even if he didn't care back. He was someone I still loved, and when you love someone, they stay with you even if there's no communication. I never did visit, I never even asked what hospital he was at and I left it at that and thanked his sister for letting me know, but I couldn't help but wonder often if he was okay.

Today, his most recent ex Tia messaged me. She asked if I knew the news, and I said yes I had heard about the accident. Turns out, he's still in a coma, over two months later. Her mom has been visiting him to check on his status once in a while as he's back at either his mom or his dad's house, just laying in bed and getting a bit of basic daily care. He will open his eyes sometimes, but he won't respond. But he's still in there, somewhere.

-----

Sometimes I wonder, is he willingly staying in a coma so he doesn't have to come back to reality? Is he afraid? Is he happier in the state of mind he's in? Does he know?

[smallpuppy]

Vacation

After staying with my friend for 5 days, I felt an unbearable sadness when I left.

I felt this same sadness when I left my friend out in Massachusetts, and I felt it when my closest friend left to live up north.

I felt comforted when he hugged me when I realized I had forgotten a crucial part to my camera setup and cried, and I felt peace when we laid down on the blanket together and stared at the darkened sky. I felt relaxed enough to cry in front of him as I looked up to see something I waited my whole life to see.

He felt excitement to wear matching shirts with me, and joy to show me all the new things he's curated for me to see and experience. He felt relieved to see me eat foods I'd never eat on a normal basis, and genuinely enjoy it all. He invited me back to stay with him again until he moves back home, hopefully later this year or early next year.

The entire trip was full of smiles and joking and planning our separate futures. Planning his upcoming trips back home to visit: four times in the next 5 months, with the first being only in a couple of weeks to surprise our friend group at an improv showcase. Him exclaiming out loud to me that we are best friends indeed, and me hugging him in gratitude. It's been so hard for me to make friends, and it's interesting that I'm having an easier time as an adult than I did before I turned 18.

-----

Again, he said it.

"Daniel's a lucky man."

I'm glad you think so, my friend. :)

[smallpuppy]

Realization

My friend and I chatted in the car for three more hours into the early morning the day before he left for his new home out of state.

We had just spent the entire afternoon and evening with our group of friends wandering the city as if we were all carefree teenagers again, though none of us knew one another as teenagers, laughing and memeing with each other. We ended the night chatting in a parking lot rooftop, then carpooled home our separate ways, leaving myself and my young friend alone together once again as I drove him to his family's home. He had spoken several times recently about trying to date someone else which I was happy for. He had never dated before, and he thought that being in his mid-20s he was long overdue for a girlfriend. His choice of words were interesting to me in what he was looking for: "I want someone who is pure." "She should be very modest, you know?" Normally I'd have seen red flags about a guy using this language when it comes to women, but he was extremely respectful of every woman he interacted with, he never said anything demeaning about women, and despite him giving me that look before, that look never had any sexual connotation behind it. As we sat there in the car, I asked him, not for the first time, if he was ace. I remember asking him a couple years ago during a gaming session if he was and he vehemently denied it, but this time he was more curious about the meaning of the word and explained asexuality to him, and he agreed that it described him. "I think people think I'm gay because I've never like, done anything with a woman, you know? No kisses or anything beyond that, but I also don't ever think about sex. Sex has literally never crossed my mind as something I'd enjoy." "But you'd like romance someday, at least?" I asked. "Absolutely, I'd love to spend my life with someone, but I don't want to have to feel like I need to do...that."

I eventually revealed to him that I was polyamorous and what that entailed despite not currently practicing and how it affected me in the past and currently. My friend said he had a feeling something was different about me, though he couldn't explain what and feels like he understands me a lot more than he thought originally and is glad I shared that with him.

And in exchange for me telling him something only a handful of people know, he told me something only his mom, dad, and sister know: his middle name.

I'll be staying with him for a few days (by his suggestion!) in April and I couldn't be happier to see him again so soon, and I feel even better knowing that I'll be staying with someone who I feel 100% safe with, and that he can also feel 100% safe with me.

[smallpuppy]

Silence

A friend took me to dance for 8 hours.

It was a Future Funk themed night with 16 DJs playing two at a time, and I knew some of the named players so I agreed to go, only to instantly regret it. I'm not usually someone who goes out with a bunch of strangers, but my friend was insistent on taking me because she knows I like the genre.

We arrived early for prime parking and everyone there seemed to keep to themselves. Not sure if this is due to covid making everyone awkward, or if Future Funk and Vaporwave music just attracts a certain type of personality, but it made me feel safe that I wasn't going to be approached by anyone randomly.

The first two DJs started their sets, and then everyone just danced.

This was my first time at any sort of dance venue, so I stood there weirdly at first wondering what to do. I watched my friend start dancing her heart out, so I followed suit.

The music was excellent, my feet hurt, my whole body hurt, but it was a good hurt. I sang along with the crowd to songs I knew, I got complimented on my outfit, I cheered at the visuals on the screen, and everyone was just having a blast.

Close to the end of the night, my friend split off to see separate DJs and the one I watched slowed down her set towards the end, and my heart almost exploded from the emotion I felt.

Vaporwave and Future Funk music can represent nostalgia, an idealized version of the past, and this one song hit me with both. The mix by the DJ is unfortunately not online, but I knew the song it sampled: the piano melody of the second half of the song Tender Love by Force M.D.s. I hadn't heard the song in many, many years as radios had stopped playing it, but as soon as I heard the melody slowed and slightly reverbed, I stopped.

Everyone stopped.

We all just stood there watching the DJ, watching the visuals glide on the screen, and my mind was flooded with so many positive memories of the past. I felt myself tear up and just let it fall silently down my cheeks.

I'm fr crying in the club lmao

But i get it now.

[smallpuppy]

He said I was beautiful.

We spent the entire day together. Then my friend took me to a house he will be inheriting one day from his grandmother, but he had full access. It's a 5min drive away from the house I will be moving into someday, so we will be neighbors in the future, something I eagerly look forward to. He's going on a sort of "farewell tour" with all those he considers a close friend since he is moving to Texas later this month for a stepping stone in his career (with plans to move back ASAP), and I felt oddly honored that he thought of me as such. I mean, I guess chatting on discord voice while playing video games on the Switch Online service for 9 hours at a time must count for something friendship-wise, and him always choosing to carpool with me must have been another clue. I was never good at making friends growing up, so it just hits me by surprise every time.

We made banana bread together as he wanted a recipe from each of his friends. He wrote down the recipe and each step he had to take and was so proud of the list he was building. There was some alcohol in the fridge that one of his other friends left, and since he doesn't drink I took it instead.

He asked me what it was like to feel drunk or tipsy, and I said that the feeling of drunkenness in the mind makes one feel bolder to say the things they normally wouldn't, maybe due to societal or social pressure. "That's why a lot of people suddenly get racist while drunk," I laughed.

We chatted more as we waited for the bread to bake.

Then the conversation came about age and how he thought of the friend group I'm part of as his older family and I reminded him that I was 35, a whole ten years older than he was. He was flabbergasted.

"Ten years? You act like...like my age!!"

"You act more like my age," I scoffed back.

"But your energy, the way you just are, I don't see you the same as everyone else. Like you got it together but at the same time you're just so vibrant."

I beamed, yeah. If no one can pinpoint my age then I must be doing something right with my skincare routine.

But then I saw a look in his eyes appear, a specific look. A look I've seen in men before but I chose to ignore it. Maybe my one can of alcohol was impairing me.

-----

The next day we carpooled together to hang out with the group downtown. When I drove him back home to his parent's place he suggested we sit in the car and just chat together in front of the house, something I hadn't done with anyone in a long time and I welcomed it.

There it was again, that look. He leaned back in the seat and placed his arms above his head.

We got on the conversation of dating, and how he's trying to date this one person he met through another mutual group but it's hard for him to figure out what to say as he has only gone on one date with her, his first date ever, and he wants to take her on another. He also asked about how my husband and I met and how lucky he is to be with me.

"Why would you say he's lucky?"

He stared me straight in the eyes.

"Legit, any guy in the group would be crawling for the chance to be with you. Even...Just the way you are, you're...you're beautiful."

Ah, that look has words attached with it now.

We chatted for two more hours.

-----

My husband still isn't ready for me to date anyone else yet, not that I have inquired about anyone in specific as I haven't fallen for anyone. Only four other people know I'm polyamorous, though one is still trying to get the concept wrapped around his head. This friend isn't one of them and I know for sure he wouldn't be down to be in such a situation, and I respect that. But in another timeline, another series of events, maybe I wouldn't have minded being the older woman in a relationship as his eyes said more than just those two words ever could.

[smallpuppy]

Delusions

I had 3 hours to kill, and I thought this was an important call. It was a verified number, and not flagged as spam like they usually are. Maybe it was the bride or groom calling to tell me more instructions of the reception location and parking, maybe it was their family member assisting us, maybe it was the life insurance company calling me back. Ah, it was my ex. He had a new phone number. I should have hung up, but I listened to what he had to say and it was honestly almost laughable. First, he actually apologized for how he treated me. That was a shock. Then he proceeded to neg on me, telling me that my photographs should look like the work of a specific painter. That he definitely saw the work I did while dating (he in fact, did not pay attention to it and brushed it off like an annoyance) and I should be ashamed for not believing him because he "gave advice" on them. I told him to describe some of my photos he allegedly advised me on and he couldn't. He then said he was going to become an electrician and buy three houses in Beverly Hills so I could rent one from him. I told him he doesn't understand the housing market or current salaries if he thinks that will happen. He ragged on me for not owning a house yet and that I don't know how to handle money, and I retorted that he couldn't even take my advice when I got him into his career to rent his own studio apartment since he could finally afford one and I had offered to budget for him. Like, deliberately refused. He said the older woman he's interested in he's on the fence about getting married to because she's 10 years older than him and most likely can't provide him with children. I reminded him that during our relationship he constantly talked about how he hated kids and never wanted to be a father, and it's one of the many, many reasons I left him. He got upset that I brought that up. He said he felt like an impostor while dating me, and that is why he was so abusive and hateful towards me. "But not as abusive as all of your boyfriends, haha right?" I was hurt by them, but none of them came even close to hurting me as bad as this guy. He said that we should hang out. I said no. I understand the need for friendship even if it is from people from one's past, but I don't understand why he doesn't see that he caused so much more damage to me than anything. I can't even remember good times we had, honestly...and I remember a lot.

[smallpuppy]

Busy Bee 2

I showed my mom a couple years ago a bank statement from when I was earning so little and when she was charging me, how little I had at all times. I think that changed something within her, somehow. Maybe the way she saw me. Her oldest child, who knew not to ask her for anything while growing up, but now would never ask her for anything. Who was always working, hardly sleeping, perpetually stressed, but never said no. She recently gave me an offer I couldn't refuse, and move-in will hopefully start next summer if all things line up.

[smallpuppy]

Busy Bee

Ever since I turned 18, I've kinda been on my own for a lot of things financially. I love my mom, but raising me she was always a "bootstraps" kind of person when it came to financials despite her always being capable of paying for at minimum my community college classes. It didn't matter that I was in school, I had to have a job at the same time to pay for it. My meager $7.50/hr (later jobs got up to $9.33.hr, wow! lol) wasn't going to cut it, but I did what I could with my part-time work. At least I had a warm bed and food, but made sure not to enjoy my food too much because if there was something I wanted as groceries, I'd have to buy it if it wasn't on sale. Let's see... After taxes, I was bringing back maybe $420 on average per month until I got two new jobs at the same time. This went on for 6 years and during that time my mom made me pay $150 to her per month in rent, plus all my own bills which ended up making me stretch my money a lot. I set aside what I could, but I always budgeted to make sure I had money for trips and fun. During this time of my life I was hurtfully told that I "shouldn't ask [him] for any money" after he got a higher paying job, which I didn't. I tried to split food as much as I could and I was always the one paying for trips because I was the one planning them. I never asked him to buy me anything just because, nor did I expect him to. Getting anything as a gift was a genuine surprise. I don't know if any of this was ever relayed back to that person of how hard I worked and saved. Later when I learned to drive and was bringing home average $600/mo, I had more bills stacked upon me and even less to set aside. When I went back to university and was only bringing back $300/mo even with two jobs (extreeeeemely part-time sucks while also being a full-time uni student...), I had to constantly withdraw from my savings account after placing the minimum auto-deposit just to keep myself from over-drafting every month. Meanwhile my mom barked at me for not putting money monthly into the investment account she made for me. If I couldn't put money into my own savings account, what made her think I could put money elsewhere? I explained this to her so so so so many times, but it was in one ear and out the other for her. I worked and worked and worked all the time. Weekends, holidays if I had to, started freelancing even when I could to get extra money. I was on a constant state of panic. I stopped hanging out with friends for a couple of years at that point as I went to university to make sure I didn't have to ask anyone to spot my dinner or help me out with gas. Now that I'm finally in a comfortable place, I'm still keeping myself extremely busy with work because of what I went through financially in my 20s. I'm can't ask anyone for help because in my mind if they help me with money in any way, they will think I'm a mooch. My husband's sister already thought for a while that I was a gold digger because I married her brother not too long after he got his career started and was earning a large salary, not knowing that it was him who actively pursued me since he finally felt ready to be in a relationship. But it's ingrained in me now, I need to keep working. Even with my midweek career, I've been working extra on weekends freelancing as a photographer and while I'm excited to have so many clients both new and recurring, I've been minimizing time with friends and I feel so guilty about it. I'm going to be visiting Seb and his spouse up north this September, but not because I have the time, but because I got hired to do a wedding shoot in that direction so I'm still earning money while I visit for a day and stay a night before the job. I know he wants me to visit more often, and I want to, too! But...I can't bring myself out of the working mindset. My other close friend said, "You know how people stay busy to stave of depression? You're the only person I know who insists on staying busy and still remains depressed, but you'll implode if you stop being busy." He's right.

[smallpuppy]

Rambling

I've been hunting for us to have a house lately. I know, I know, the market sucks, but surprisingly my husband and I are in a very lucky place to be able to afford one. Ideally. The housing market in our hometown has gone through the roof in pricing. Interest rates are maddening. We both want to stay relatively close to our hometown since my job is literally a 4 minute walk from my mom's house, and he wants to be close to his job one town over but also close to his parents who are much older and having trouble traveling far and at night. The people who have been moving into the expensive homes of our neighborhood are so...unfriendly. I've been getting negative looks from patrons when I appear in the local food places now as the demographics have shifted. I told my husband it's important not only that we stay here for the families, but to show that we've been here, we're not leaving, our families have been here for many decades, we have every right to remain here just like they had every right to move here. Not my fault they feel so offended by us existing.

---

Since we're in a place to finally start trying for a baby again, I'd prefer to be close to my mom since she will be my only help. My brother is moving across the country next month with his family, my oldest sister moved 2+ hours away, and on the husband's side my sister in-laws and nieces all live 2+ hours away as well. The cousin I'd trust the most to help me out is stuck at home due to a horrible injury that is taking a long time for her to recover from, and only one of my friends has a child, and they live over an hour away. The rest of my friends aren't interested in matters pertaining to babies or children. I feel kind of weird knowing that in the future if I am granted a child, that I'll have to find mom friends. The idea of making friends with women has always scared me as I've not really had luck befriending or maintaining friendships with cis-women even through childhood. The very few I still have, I'm surprised they still even talk to me considering the awkwardness I throw out around them. My mom is excited at the prospect, at least. She's planning on retiring finally next year and hopes that she will have all the time in the world to help me out, just like Mima did for her when I was born.

[smallpuppy]

Blockade

Block, delete, block, delete. That's pretty much what the last six or seven years have been for me online when encountering people I know. Or don't know, but then they learn my name and suddenly they're on my recommended list of people to add because we were in the same room 4 days in a row at a convention. Removed people I didn't remember (it happens!), people I never wanted to talk to again for various reasons, people I didn't want to try to look me up to find out what I'm doing whether to shit on me or spy on me. And if they tried to look me up, most of them couldn't spell my name correctly anyhow nor do they know my new last name, so it doesn't matter. Sure, people can still look me up on Instagram since it's public, but hey, that's one of the downsides of being a photographer. There was one person I had a slightly hard time removing even though I intended to for years. I've known her since we were quite young, and after recently reading a diary I kept from middle school I wish I could look back and tell my younger self, "Please don't feel the need to seek out friendship in this school. The way she spoke to you today, yesterday, last week? She will speak like that to you always." Sure enough, our communication was filled with her taking all the charge, her making all the demands, her making all the rules. She was so envious of many people's lives, so hateful towards so many others, and I don't use that word lightly. When a mutual friend had a stillbirth and in the following years she would mourn his birthday, she would say with such vileness, "Why can't she just get over it? Ugh, she even posted photos of him online. Disgusting." She even joined in on some bullying towards me on several occasions when I thought she was my closest friend who would at least stand up for me. The desperation for friendship was strong on my end.

Nine years ago, she made the decision that our friendship wasn't worth keeping up anymore. No idea why, but I suspect it's because I didn't give her back exactly what she had given me. I truly appreciate what she had given me, but after looking back and seeing her absolute sour attitude over it all, it pretty much proved it. She stopped responding to my messages, so I stopped trying. I kept her on my Facebook wondering if she'd ever respond back, considering the amount of friends we shared and constant overlapping in comments. Sometime last year, she had liked something somewhat old on my Instagram which was odd since we didn't follow each other. I went to go check the notification and the post she had liked, but it was gone. She had done a classic "whoops-I-didn't-mean-to-like-your-old-post-as-I-was-snooping-through-your-page" and when I went to go check her page, it was was private. Ah, that did it. I blocked her on Instagram immediately. I went to her Facebook page for the first time in years. She was still on my friend list; I thought she would have deleted me ages ago. I pressed the remove button, and then I pressed the block button.

[smallpuppy]

So we got covid

Only at this new job for 6 weeks, and got sent to a trade show in Vegas in late April. The regulations were that masks were optional, everyone had to be either vaccinated or have a recent negative test, and somehow we got it. My boss tried to trace who could have given it to us, and who else was affected. Surprisingly, only one person we interacted with got it and let us know. Stupid virus. It made me miss out on seeing my friends for a day I was looking forward to for months, and now I have a perpetual cough that I can't seem to get rid of. My boss did't have it as hard as I did, thankfully. He said he's mostly had lethargy and lack of appetite with a sore throat. Even though it's just us in the large warehouse, we both stayed home for the week. Poor husband, he didn't get the booster (why!!!!) and it hit him harder. My main symptoms only lasted 4 days with fever lasting only one, his total symptoms lasted over a week and a half, plus he developed bronchitis and a sinus infection. On the upside, his symptoms appeared after mine disappeared so we weren't both basically dying at the same time and could care for one another. It's now the start of week 9, and there's talks of doing another trade show here in LA in mid-June, and to travel to NYC at the end of June for meeting big clientele. I'm so tired, haha. I had to block out all of June for any photo sessions so I could get a hold of myself again and focus on getting these shows done.

[smallpuppy]

Know Your Stuff

I've started my second (additional) career, a typical 9-5 where I'm surrounded by lights. Lights used in film studios, lights used in stadiums, lights used by news stations around the world, lights used in stadiums. When I worked at the game publishing company, We had biweekly streams on Twitch. One day they asked me to come on the stream to demo an upcoming game, which was definitely not the job I was hired for but I happily obliged to get away from the monotony of sales. Somehow through the chat, the question by a viewer came up about music in games and how the music was similar to D&B. My coworkers had no idea what the viewer was asking, so I said to them, "You know the music in Ape Escape? That's D&B," and the viewer was very happy that I knew what he was talking about. My coworkers still had no idea. For goodness' sake, this was a game publishing company with people working there all within 5 years of my age, how did no one know the game series Ape Escape or remember the music? Like even just sleeping in the back of their brains? The commercials were prominent and everywhere, and on top of that over half of my coworkers were from Japan where Ape Escape has more prominence in the gaming industry. Now here, surrounded by lights, my new boss told me I was the perfect candidate for the position because of my photography background. "Any sales person could have done the job, but do they actually know what they're talking about? I didn't want a career salesperson, I wanted someone with knowledge." And he has a point. My old job at publishing, almost no one knew games, except for three coworkers who were absolutely enamored with games but stayed behind the scenes. The people who were in marketing and the lead sales managers were the worst people for the job. The social media manager would mostly post on twitter about what he had for lunch. The social media photographer (hired after me when I told my boss upon hiring that I have a background in photography) rarely took photos or videos of the stream, products, etc. In fact, looking at their Instagram account I can see exactly three of the photos he took while there. All the photos after that are just cell images shot by the social media manager. The sales and marketing manager was an outside hire from New Jersey who flew in every week for 3 days. While she was great at selling and marketing, she was horrible at knowing what video games even were. So here I am, surrounded by lights, preparing to go to a convention/trade show in April to reveal my chops not just as a charismatic communicator, but as someone who actually knows their stuff to make people smile. And, ideally, become new clientele.

[smallpuppy]

I very recently photographed a 1st bday party for a new client. Things went great until the last half-hour of my time there when two of the dad's friends arrived.

Both were very loud and very proud Trump supporters.

Now, I'm just there as the photographer and I'm trying to just keep earning money so I had to put up the "mind ya own" front, but one of the guys would not stop glaring at me as he spoke about wanting to go up to the AZ Trump rally and how masks are totally unnecessary...as I was the only person there wearing a mask. And the only dark-skinned person. With a colorful hair wrap.

I'm so glad he wasn't there at the beginning or I'd be out hefty chunk of money, but I can't work for this client again if they have another event. Sucks, but my mental health and well-being is more important.

[smallpuppy]

[smallpuppy]

Cry

Yeah, I said I'd circle back around to this a while ago. The last time I cried was when I got the news that Mima died. I gave myself a few minutes, promptly stopped, and left to tend to business. The time before that ... it's been many years. When I was a kid, I was called the crybaby. I was sensitive, I was emotional. I couldn't help it. When I was angry, scared, frustrated, happy, tired, I cried. It just happened. As time went on people were patient with me, and I tried really hard to stop, but it kept going sometimes. I'd excuse myself as I got older or hid it best I could because I knew it could last for a while. I was told later in a situation that I cried for attention. By someone who clearly didn't like me, didn't try to understand me, nor have patience. So I did my best to stop. And I did. I'm now at the point in my life where it's difficult for me to cry in front of anyone, even my own husband. Even in what fights we do have, I don't allow myself to cry to him, no matter how important the conversation. Sometimes I feel it welling up, but I force myself to stop. It's a repeating phrase in my head.

They don't want to see you cry They don't want to hear you cry If you cry they will hate you They will hate you They WILL hate you

I'm now at the point in my life where people are starting to ask me if I'm ok. They didn't hear or see me cry at the last many family funerals we've had. When I watched movies with friends or get into frustrating situations, I only allow one small tear to fall in the darkness, or if I'm lucky enough to wear a mask and sunglasses, to have more tears hide and be absorbed while I disguise my voice and take deep, slow breaths. I'm glad the people in my life have noticed that me no longer crying wasn't a sign of "maturity" or some bullshit like that, but I know they're not the type to ask about it, either. I wish they would. As my own form of therapy, when I'm alone I'll watch something under the covers on my phone that I know will make me cry. AS one could imagine, there's a lot. I cherish these moments I can have to myself, so I can go out into the world and as blank-faced as people would probably prefer to see.

[smallpuppy]

I HUGGED MY FRIEND

IT'S BEEN 13 MONTHS SINCE I SAW HIM AND WE HUGGED