#i am kinda thinking of different ways i can do it but im not thinking like specific details or a time frame so i think i don't need hospita
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Not really sure what incongruous means so I'll look it up after but it does feel like as i get older life gets more complex theres more things i understand now that sure i knew about them before but not in great detail but it feels like I've become so fucking complex as a person that if i tried to explain what i actually think and feel it would just overwhelm a person so i try and section myself off into pieces and just use different parts of me with different situations or people and it may just be because ive spent most of my time these past 2 almost 3 years now alone with nothing to do but think and figure myself out that when im asked what i think about something slightly personal its kinda hard to say it just got lost in my head somewhere and that whatever i think will change at a moments notice like i can bring up memories of lots of things and remember nostalgic times but i spent so long thinking about why i feel a certain way or what makes me feel a certain way in order to try and get a better hold of myself that ive kinda forgotten alot of my past like so many memories that i made are just gone because remembering them made me feel a way i dont want to feel like i remember realizing the beginning of 6th grade that i had completely forgotten 5th grade and the reason why was because that time i had was so nice yet not at the same time my brain just frogot because it didn't want a reminder of how good yet not something can be like great teachers who for the first time ever actually seemed to care as far as i could tell class mates who were generally friendly and occasionally checked on me if i seemed off yet i felt so alone cause nobody there really seemed like a real friend like the friends i had before who even when we were in deep trouble wouldn't rat me out and would stick with me who genuinely cared and missed me if i was sick getting older and not having anyone to socialize with for really formative years off my life has made understand those really old dudes who are nice and always up to make friends but just seem extra lonely for some reason despite knowing so many people i guess technically being that alone did hurt me but i kinda learned that im just not alone ever when im outside theres always some squirrels birds or plants nearby that make it more lively its why ive grown so fond of certain forested spots they are always lively and it feels like hanging out with all my friends its also why i enjoy making things like with metal or wood stone or even writing and painting those things feel alive in a way same with music and having time to think so much has made me reflect and realize that no day is the same and even when something changes something else stays the same or gos back to how it was in a weird cycle like growing but remembering where you were growing older for me anyways is like gaining more skills and more knowledge not just on the stuff around me but on myself too obviously people change sometimes pretty quickly too but getting older makes you learn more about yourself which duh that how life works but still it feels weird to be aware of it at 17 when it feels like i should still be trying to figure out my favorite youtuber or something not contemplate who i am as a person and what makes me feel the way i do but its a good kind of weird and theres always more to learn and find so i still have plenty of room to learn more about myself still not being able to really fully let a person know you kinda sucks but to be fair that is a rather special thing its also nice being able to put into words why i feel a certain way so that i can actually explain myself instead of just going quiet cause i dont know myself that well still kinda funny to know your own problems but not be able to jusy fix them when you know its a very deep problem even when it seems surface level and damn i got kinda personal there woops also just noticed that im shaking so might be overwhelmed remembering 5th grade which is probably why i frogot it or at least thought i did
anybody else feel that being human is like being a long-time syndicated cartoon character watching the world get more complex while your own design stays the same until youre incongruous with the reality around you??
#Anyway im gonna see if i can calm down and mabye froget 5th grade again#not remembering stuff can hurt sometimes so dont try it i already fucked up learn fro. my mistakes
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hi there! thank you so much for you're response to my anon ask- i was honestly expecting you to mock me and then tell me im in a cult and am bringing down other women- which is the response i usually get when trying to ask radfem blogs things- i understand why they would say this but i am asking questions genuinely. I've looked through the medical articles linked in your page, I'll be honest it is concerning but currently I am enjoying the physical and mental changes on testosterone and dont want that to stop- obviously while paying attention to my body and working with my doctor if any issues occur. i think i'll talk about doses with my doctor to understand what options i have when i want to taper off or vaguely slow down, i hope my approach to medical transition isnt seen as aggravating or flippant this is just my general philosophy about things :) i dont know i kinda feel like crying this is kinda the first radfem space i have felt safe in?
i enjoy having a deep voice- being hairy, being flat chested and these are all things women can do-- i feel that my decisions to get a mastectomy and be on hormones to achieve this shouldnt be used to kick me out of butch spaces but maybe im just being naive 🤷
A lot of radfems have that knee jerk reaction to trans identified women. Those are the kinds of people who pushed me away from radical feminism before I transitioned, so I know how that feels!
There aren’t a lot of people who both identify with radical feminism and also have the empathy and understanding needed to help us work through our gender issues. My goal is to be the person I needed back then.
My viewpoint is that people have a wide variety of different feelings about their gender, but at its core it all comes down to the same thing: The inability to accept our bodies as they are.
That’s something butch women particularly have been dealing with for a very long time. Of course butches want to be more masculine. Why wouldn’t we? We live in a patriarchy, and physical masculinity and androgyny is considered attractive in butches.
But my opinion is that accepting our bodies as they are should be the ultimate goal, and that messing with our hormonal systems and having cosmetic surgeries is objectively a negative thing. Not just because of health risks, but also because it’s a way of rejecting femaleness. I believe that all forms of rejecting the female aspects of our bodies come from misogyny. Because of that, giving in to the pressure to change our bodies isn’t a positive thing in the big picture, even if it makes us feel subjectively better about ourselves.
But I feel that way about all cosmetic surgery, including botox and all the other things women do to alter themselves. I don’t think that the way we’ve altered ourselves is any different from what they’re doing. I’m against all of it, but I don’t see us as the problem, I see patriarchy as the problem.
Whether radfems agree with it or not, the fact is that many butch women have taken hormones and have had mastectomies, and we are still women. Testosterone and mastectomies are so widespread among butch women these days that it’s kinda just part of who we are at this point. That doesn’t mean it’s a good thing or that it should be encouraged, and people have the right to criticize it. But we should be accepted.
Our appearances are altered but that doesn’t change who we are, and it doesn’t change the fact that we need community and a sense of belonging.
#feminism#lesbian#detrans#trans#detransition#radical feminism#butch#radblr#ftm#LGBT#transgender#non-binary#terf#terfblr
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You literally spent three hours having an ENTIRE SCHOOL (teachers included) slut-shaming a guy just for him to be a (spoiler).
#bewitching sinners#palmier baker#hello i have indeed become way too invested in this otome and i am in love with an ex boyfriend#i mean technically not MY ex boyfriend but like .... a different version of me's ex boyfriend....#thinking about that teacher who refers to four of the main cast as the twink quartet#honestly hello hi ! the game is very funny so far but also extremely violent !#it isnt for everyone but its kinda exactly my brand of stupidity and also just#its a bunch of silly lil things but also i have been in awe of how much LOVE AND JOY this game is made with#you can play as either a masc or fem body and you can pick your pronouns after it#and the art is just .... so appealing to me and there is SO MUCH art and im just in absolute awe#i am actually uhhhhh working on a comic for the game based on one scene that just made me laugh#also i really like how the entire school including everyone that is clearly attracted to palmier is like nope nope not gonna do anything#because your ex will literally kill me if i do thanks bye!#and then too his face and behind his back they mock the ex for being Group Mum#listen i may be down bad for my ex.... but when you see the ex boyfriend you will also just say#yeah that checks out for salmon and i am not shocked by this at all#also fun fact there is a fishing mini game and you start it by talking to the fisherman who is named Pike#you literally talk to Mr Fish to fish and i love this honestly!
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please don’t by k.will did more for the gays back in 2012 than any boy group can possibly do with fan service and crop tops in 2024
#do young kpoppies know about please don’t by k.will. im serious do they know#I think about it a lot#it’s impossible to replicate the feeling of being gay and watching that mv in the 2010s and just getting bodyslammed by the ending.#like he really just dropped that shit in TWENTY TWELVE#kibumblabs#to this day I think that’s the most explicitly gay mv ive seen in kpop by an established artist#(ie not holland. no shade to him but he kinda built his platform on being an openly gay artist and he’s not a big industry name or anything#which makes the impact significantly different. if that makes sense. anyway.)#like think about any other example. almost all of them can be brushed off as fan service or are at least vague enough to be#up for interpretation#please don’t’s ending is nearly fucking impossible to write off as anything but explicitly gay#no fanservice involved. no vague staring in each other’s eyes. just straight up Oh He’s Not Jealous Of His Friend He’s Jealous Of His#Friend’s Fiancé. oh#like that’s the whole point. interpreting it any other way doesn’t make sense with the impact it’s purposefully supposed to make#like seriously try to say ‘he’s just sad he’s losing his friend to marriage :(‘ or something. you have to be REAL fucking stupid or#deeply in denial to make that argument let alone believe it#anyway. I appreciate this mv a lot#k.will the OG of doomed yaoi in kpop#kill me#closest contender off the top of my head is one more day by sistar#also note I am talking about mvs here not songs in general#cause if I were talking about songs in general. key’s out there pretty much writing about gay sex at this point so I mean#k.will#kpop#only adding actual tags because I want you to watch this mv if you haven’t already
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#ugh. fuck me im so tired. im getting sucked back into that workaholic mindset and now my body hurts and my nerves are fying. but it feels#good to b productive. if only i didnt have to teach and could just work with data :-(#anyway. the last 2 weeks have been good in that i feel like im actually hitting my stride a bit#bc we're seeing cool things in our genomes and its gonna b really fun to explore. and i met with the terrifying#prof who is on my committee to pitch a project for a final in her class and it seems it went over well. it was kinda funny bc we were#meeting and she was like: so how would u tell which gene was lost 1st? the phytochrome or the genes that r triggered by activation? and i#was like: uhhhhh idk. and then my advisor walked by and she grabbed him and asked him the same question and he was like: idk we'll have to#figure it out. which made me feel way better abt not knowing lol. then my superior lab mate asked me a question abt taking confocal images#and i was actually able to figure out what her issue was. and my old advisor was asking me if i knew anyone to ask for using a pam on cyanos#and i was like: here is what i think my advisor would say and linked her a paper. then i asked my advisor and he said what i expected and#linked the paper that id already sent. so im like. ok. ok. maybe i actually sometimes do kno what im doing. sorta.#and then my old advisor said she was so proud of me. and i was like aw. its so funny bc my relationship is so different with my new advisor#hes great but its all very professional. with my old advisor i would text her after hours bc she was a workaholic like me and went on long#car rides and handed out Halloween candy with her. she was more hands on and doesnt have kids so work is her life. its just interesting#so things have been going well. but there arent enough hours in the day. and my committee meeting is in like 16 days. and i am afraid for#that but not as afraid as i was in april when i had a full on breakdown and canceled it the day before it was set to happen lol#itll b fine. i just have to work thru the weekend so i can get my preproposal done. and prey that the fucking splitstree download site will#start working bc i want to do gene networks dammit#unrelated
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something i love discussing with others is the different ways people experience kin bc its so interesting the vastness of how everyones personal experiences with it can be. i really dont get people that will be like "kin is only ever LIKE THIS! everyone else is fake!" or trying to act like people with kin past lives (or anyone that "takes kinning too seriously") are crazy. like just!!! how do yall not enjoy the vast and unique experiences of other people!! how do they not fascinate you!!! its INSANE to me
#that being said i dont interact in kin spaces very heavily after i left this one large kin discord server#while i dont miss that (drained too much energy + too many chances for drama)#(or general issues just from kin being so personal and thus discomfort when peoples canons have things that clash with others canons)#but i do kinda miss seeing more about how other people experience kin stuff#and discussing what its like for me more often#also i see sometimes people criticizing the terminology people sometimes use about kinning?#even like the term ''kinning'' bc ppl will say ''its not an action you do!''#and they treat it like people that use terms like that are the kind that kin “wrong'' and act like kin is just ''i relate to this character#but like. kin IS very important and significant for me!#i may not know the exact details of HOW i kin- like theyre not past lives for me but i still AM the characters#i have kin memories sometimes but they dont feel like past lives#n kin itself is very important to me- but trying to figure out what exactly it is if its not past lives isnt important#like idk the functionality of it i just feel it. and acknowledge the feelings. you know#and i just learned kin stuff through people who are more casual with the concept and the terminology used#n just. idk. im tired rambling.#i love how differently everyone can kin regardless of how big or small it is for them or the ways they experience it#i think we should appreciate other ppls different experiences more
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hmm yknow ive never had to worry about this before cause all the fandoms ive been in ive never really been in the same space as the creators so i never had to worry about the ccs/creators seeing my liveblogs even if i only rarely did it before but since the lsers are here maybe i should just stop liveblogging?? cause like in case it wasnt obvious im a massive hater first and foremost and if theres one thing you dont show the creators its hate so like. idk maybe its time to stop for good
#mine.txt#ive also never had so many ppl look at my blog before#usually ppl dont even know i exist#like yeah its my house but if theres somebody looking through my windows im gonna close the curtains yanno?#idk. i dont really proces emotion and empathy the same way most ppl do and im heavily geared towards isolation#so these kinda things are a bit tricky for me to navigate cause i gotta consider not only my own wants#but also the wants of those who can see what i do and also my own emotions as disocciated as they are#and like on one hand why would one liveblogger quitting matter#esp since for the most part most liveblogs mean nothing and the only ones that do are the negative kinds#dont deny it its true ive seen it firsthand; nobody gives that much of a shit about neutral and positive thoughts from a stranger#but negative ones can basically turn someone suicidal even if its a ratio of 1 negative to 1000 positive#but on the other hand there Are ppl who are looking for that kinda thing on my blog#yeah yeah my own house i should do what i want whatever#but the truth of the matter is if there werent some social function attached to this i wouldnt be doing this at all#i mean sure i can decide to only liveblog when im feeling positively#but if im gonna do that i may as well just not liveblog at all#like i already deal with emotional expectations irl im not gonna deal with that on my own blog as well#i am not a positive person#i get frustrated very easily#which ppl like to say is different from anger but lbr it really isnt is it?#esp when youre on the receiving end#couple that with the actual genuine anger i feel when the lsers do an ableism#which is quite often btw#well i just dont think its worth it to put my thoughts out there
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“You haven’t done that one quest? In all your time playing?” <- a friend or internet stranger
“That quest makes me feel bad” <- person who’s character has probably committed atrocities in one way or another (me)
#emma posts#this is it. this is how I play games#if I want to know about what happens when you do a quest that makes me feel bad I’ll just look it up online#I’m playing a fucking game. let me not feel awful for once#im not about to try being perfectly good because I know I would be bad at that too#two of my friends said that I can never play any character in a way that isn’t ‘chaotic good’ and said that’s the only dnd alignment#i would have irl#not even in an ‘I’m so cool and edgy’ way#they meant that in a ‘I don’t know what your internal standards are. they aren’t bad. but they are definitely not… lawful’#I’m not even totally sure how to describe what they were saying that night tbh#I don’t know how to say this without people thinking I’m edgy or pretentious or something#I’m just kinda frustrated that I am bad at playing an evil or lawful character#just to see what happens#I get two decisions in and I’m like ‘I’m not having fun right now. It’s just a constant fight against myself’#this is about when your character is an oc btw#things are sometimes a little different when the pc is already a whole ass character#‘necromancy is okay if they’re already dead but betraying your follower is bad’ mindset#I know a lot of people play this way. but they seem to be able to play not this way too?#I think that’s the heart of it#also I have been made increasingly aware of the fact that I might not totally understand what is average#in a lot of ways#I’m getting distracted though I think
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trying to plan out what pokèmon bruce wayne would have... much to think about
#i am envisioning batman to have: noivern (obviously he must have one bat pokèmon). lucario. and greninja#i chose the last 2 partly because i like those pokèmon but theyre also powerful and stealthy pokèmon#so fitting for batman#and noiverns more of a less-stealthy heavy hitter i guess for when hes gotten civillians out the way#batman would have to have some sort of earplugs or padding in his cowl to deal with the sound noivern creates though.. hmmmmm#im also thinking he should have some sort of electric or tech pokèmon but i cant decide which one..#i gotta balance strategy vs his asthetic#it would be good if he had a fire and/or grass type pokèmon too but none really fit his vibe#also it would make sense he have a fighting type (aside from lucario) but i dislike all the fighting types 😔😔#sorry pretty privellage is REAL and it is stopping me from giving him other fighting types#idk.. much to think about#i think lucario makes a lot of sense tbh like they both have the drive to do good and help people#i can envision bruce finding a riolu during his time training and instantly having that connection#ORRR bruce is so strung up on his anger and bitterness. it takes meeting riolu (who rejects him for not being as virtuous as b would think)#for bruce to kinda enforce his own principles#of becoming batman to HELP amd do GOOD and not just for vengence#meanwhile i chose greninja cos its one of my favs#brucie wayne would also need different pokèmon to batman. otherwise his secret identity is WAYY too obvious#it would depend on what kind of bruce wayne i want tho#the more ditsy playboy brucie would have different pokèmon to... e.g. ben afflecks batman whos more sleazy businessman#so many different options#SORRY FOR THE RAMBLE i am... thinking
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i don’t think i can ever be really close to anyone
#im so#ugh i cant stand myself#i think im way too attached to my family and i cant imagine ever getting that close to someone else#i just feel weird around people and i wish i didnt#and im not very aocial and i know that my friends hate it#and maybe its partly because im a twin and im not used to being without her#and now we’re growing up and i’m not with her as much because she’s like idk being normal and doing stuff and im not#i just feel like i cant be alone because i cant do anything#but i want to be alone so i can do stuff without having other people around becuse i liek beign alone and i get tired of people no matter#i cant even write what i feel cuz i dont know#and maybe its just late and i haould be asleep cuz im tired all the time but im alone so i can do stuff but also im alone:/#other people are different than me in a way i don’t understand and idk why but i cant bond with people frfr#and im a very difficult person i know that but i just wish i could get close to people in the way they seem to be with each other#but i just. dont like people#but also i love people and i hate being alone im just kinda private#i just dont get why im not like others😭#why am i different than everyone else
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I do find it so funny that I will graduate college days away from my birthday. Like my birthday is literally in between the end of the semester ("graduation") and commencement
It really will be like a joint graduation & birthday party for me lmao
#speculation nation#i dont really do birthday parties anymore. havent in a long time. mostly just go out and do smth fun around my bday. ya kno#also have cake but like not in a party way. just like. here's cake lol#but im probably only gonna graduate from college once. which means i might as well live it up and all.#invite all sorts of extended family and people who have known me. etc etc.#actually it just kinda sunk in that i am. Computer and Information Technology (Systems Analysis and Design focus) w a minor in Communication#like those are words. it's a lot of words but actually it really is pretty accurate?? like that's indeed what ive been studying.#now how much i *remember* is another question. considering how long ive taken to get thru school lol#but that's what people will see on my degree. that's my Thing. graduated in Computer Systems and Talking.#idk it's just weird to have spent so much of my life on this and like That's the culmination. it took so much work.#even beyond a normal 4 years. i switched my major *twice*. switched my minor too.#first year engineering to undecided liberal arts (as a temp major trying to switch to computer science bc i couldnt stay in FYE)#but then computer science sucked so i switched to trying to get into computer & info tech. which is different. and better.#and ive been in it long enough now that ive kinda forgotten but it did take some fuckin work to switch into it.#like i had to take certain classes first & i couldnt take them during the semesters that in-major students would take them#and i had to have my gpa up to a certain level etc etc. so many hoops to jump thru. i think it took me at least a year. or more. idr#but i made it in and thats my major. thats my thing. computers and information systems and communication.#doesnt FEEL like im an almost-graduate. but then i think about all the things ive taken and learned.#and maybe i dont remember a lot of the more specific things from these classes. but i took core lessons away from each one.#wont be able to recite the theories but i can live them. and thats the point of an education i guess.#anyways im gonna have to start job searching before too long and eughhbb. need to get my license first tho probably.#which i will... i will.... i have so many things to deal with... my life will be So Different in a year...#it will require me to put in the work now. but i can do it. and then a year from now. i'll hopefully be in a better spot.#living somewhere else. graduated from college. with a license and a car. maybe even an IT job of some kind.#kind of scared of trying to find a Big Boy Job. aka a job that requires a degree and networking and all that shit.#rather than just showing up and being like Hi i can do this job. i am not a total drain of a person. hire me please 👍#hfkahfks so many things to think about. and through it all i am still dealing with DEADLINES...!!!!#but yeah this is why my writing has largely been put on hold. idk i have a lot of things im dealing with rn.
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she told me i remind her of her ex, and that makes her feel protective of me. she tilted her head like a curious dog when she said that.
i wasn't sure how to word a prying question about it. i said I feel guilty when people do things for me because i don't have something to give in return. she said that was a strange way for me to have responded.
#woof woof#txtp#she makes me think so much#I want to be good. I want to be so good I want pure intentions and I think that want in itself is a bit dishonest#I'll go journal in my journal.#I think she knows I'd fuck her and even if she would be down for that it really feels like she is nurturing a different relative than that#both because im obviously a hungry void taking as much older tgirl love as i can as some mommy-ex wound bandaid combo#and she's genuinely concerned about me and being a sort of guiding presence is more important to her than wtv she'd get from hooking up#so i haven't hit on her. I let her know she's gorgeous af and is an angel but it's not as a move or to goad her on etc#we're both homeless and she's given me really good insight into how to live like this#she walks me back to wherever im headed when we're alone. which is both so appreciated but feels too sacrificial#it's a dangerous area. I don't want to be alone. but then she has to walk where she's going alone? no easy solution#she's like 30. this is a pattern. im fwb/ kind of dating two 30 y.o. trans women. i wasn't even seeking that out#in particular it's just unfolded this way from me following what feels good. but it's like. i am examining this#bc i don't want to be using people for some subconscious need and 3 for 3 is kinda red flag territory#i feel so used and spat out by my ex and the ppl who chose to be involved w me know im in a fucked up place. I dont want to repeat the cycl#of wtv tf the ex was doing when she “led me on” for years#I want my intentions and motives to be clear to me. So I don't make people I care about feel used or worse off for knowing me
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maybe i am being a huge bitch and terrible and unfair ????? perhaps that’s the problem ???? and that is likely. however the council (my two best friends and my mom) have concurred that i should actually be angrier and meaner so i think im doing my best atm
#kinda joke but actually i don’t know what to do and i am sooooo angry it i don’t think it’s justified but also isn’t it ? isn’t it ?#like i may have fucked up the very serious convo that we had earlier but also i’m so mad. and i said that. and she heard me I THOUGHT#so i thought it was going to get taken care of but apparently not#like ok. don’t pay rent just stay here 5/7 nights a week and stop by anytime and don’t make any moves to change or fix the position you’re#in like whatever atp. maybe i’d be a better friend if i was more understanding and ive been telling myself that for weeks but also wtf#i know things are terrible for her so i should be nicer and more understanding but i’ve been as nice and understanding as i can be for three#months now and nothings changed she not even interested in changing things so at what point is it real life consequences#of im mad and you have to pay rent ffs#idk. i should apologize for even asking that of her ig. i know things are super hard for her rn. but things are also hard for me rn#in different less extreme ways but still. idk
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#me? about to use tumblr as a diary again? in 2024? unfortunately:/#but here have a waterfall i saw on a hike last week as payment#i am sO tired and exhausted emotionally after dating#there's this guy that i fr thought was going to last and be around for a long time. we spent like every moment together that we could for 2#months straight and if we werent physicaly together we were texting or calling or on ft . just every part of our day had the other in it#not once did i ever feel unwanted undesired or uncared for. not once did i feel that i wasnt sure of his intentions. i felt safer with him#in those 2 months than i ever did with any one else i could think to compare to.#until one day he just didnt think it important to communicate any more. after 3 days of nearly nothing .. hardly any talking . i asked if#he was ok if we were ok. what was going on in his head. he said some ive just been with my buddies and family and havent been on my phone#and just. immediately thats heartbreak yanno. thats :// thats what they say when theres a new girl. but there'd never been a reason to think#there was another girl so i was like ok we're gonna trust bc this dude has been So good in every way. so i said imy but i understand. enjoy#your time with your buddies and with your fam -- i cant wait to hear about it (and hold you)#and i havent heard from him in the 3 weeks since. just randomly#so last night#i send the dreaded 'i miss you' text.#i dont expect to hear back and i accept the hurt that will come with that and the confusion that i've felt settles deeper into my heart#until this afternoon i hop on ig and see a hard launch that was posted an hour after my text was sent#that shit kinda hurt different. but also sent me into a bit of a delirious state where all i could do is laugh bc are you for fucking real#did she see my message? i know it. bc i know him and i know that he wouldnt hide anything from the person he's giving his heart#and his softness to. i can almost imagine how he showed her and promised her theres nothing to worry about#and there really isnt anything to worry about because he genuinely is the type to give his all to the relationship he's in#which feels silly to say after what happened w us. like no there wasnt a title ever#it sucks to call it a situationship because a month ago we were laughing in bed together about how we could never bc we were all in.#just the timing of the hard launch makes me giggle. did my text push them to have a conversation about what they are. was she really the#reason that he went away on me.#im trying not to blame myself . trying not to think about the phone calls i didnt answer. about what i could have done differently. trying#not to think about where we would be if i didnt let my anxieties hold me back. if i wasnt scared about what he'd think of the parts of me#that i keep hidden just a little bit longer than the rest.#and at the same time im trying not to put him on a pedestal. but that pedestal is just where i wholeheartedly believe he belongs#he set the bar for me. he set the standard. i was never too much. i was never too little. he made me feel perfect just as i am
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#just watched s 2 ep 7 of the vampire show#and these are just some ramblings that hopefully will not offend fans of the show im just trying to articulate my thoughts to myself#i think it was a cool idea to turn their trial into one of the theatrical performances onstage#however im still annoyed at how the domestic violence episode happened and was apparently a real thing#like idk it just ruins the whole vibe in the book of how these characters were living together doing awful things to humans yet#somehow mostly carrying on in civilized peace and not ever directing that violence toward each other for decades on end#this choice messes up the characterizations and relationship dynamics too much for me somehow#also messes up the aesthetics that are a delicate balance between the savage and grotesque and polite and refined#it was important to me that lestat wasnt the one to first cross that line in the books and that claudia was#i feel like kinda the one thing that lestat had going for him in the first book as a standalone story#was that he didnt ever cross certain lines with louis and claudia that the show made him cross there?#he seemed to have a different inner set of rules when it came to what violence he would do to humans and what he would do to them#it's hard to even articulate what kind of shittiness is a dealbreaker in a character or a ship to me#especially when theyre constantly doing stuff like feeding on people to stay alive#but for some reason lestat and louis beating the shit out of each other is just such a nonsense ooc thing to make them do in my opinion#also claudia in the book was valid for what she did to lestat already i thought. i dont see why they had to change or add to the motives#she was turned into a vampire at age 5 and therefore almost purely a vampire in nature and also totally valid in not being happy about it#and in the books lestat made her a vampire on his own after louis fed on her and they did not discuss it beforehand#and he never mentioned rules about a child vampire being forbidden and louis did not beg him to do it. in fact one of the biggest reasons#that louis and claudia decide to turn on lestat is because theyre convinced hes just pretending to know more than he does about vampirism#and either has nothing to teach them or wont ever let them go so they can find out anything for real about their own kind#these changes in the show bother me too but i think im not that good at articulating why#i also feel like as much as book louis's weakness and passiveness and guilt can get frustrating and isn't always interesting to follow#in a way that's kinda one of his more saving graces and most defining traits as a vampire as well - so i dont always know how to feel#about them making his character more powerful and aggressive and involved in things in the show at times?#on one hand i often get frustrated at his moping and indecisiveness and inactivity in the books#and yet on the other hand i find i miss his quieter softer excruciatingly polite book personality when i am watching the show at times too#p#vmpcs
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I feel like such a broken fucking person lol
I talked way too much in the tags don't read them
#fighting off the ideation like my life depends on it!! bc it does!!!#been good about not thinking certain phrases but F U C K am i feeling it. i want to turn into a pile of dust#i am so desperately trying to work on myself and change my patterns and bad habits and perspective but it feels like i always fall short#i try not to talk about it online but I'm just. having a very hard day with N because we experience our feelings in different ways#i isolate myself bc i struggle with regulating my reactions and tones when im having an episode but she needs me to talk through things and#i sometimes just. can't. bc I'm not done experiencing the negativity and am not in a place to have a productive convo bc shame spirals etc#we just spent a long time talking and being patient and i thought i was understanding and explaining myself well but i just. idk.#i don't know how to explain that of course i love her even if I'm isolating myself. of course i love her although I'm nonverbal today. i jus#t can't *make* myself talk when I'm like this i don't want to be nonverbal i don't want to isolate i don't want to be a distant partner i do#n't want to fall back into these patterns related to my grief i want to be better i am trying to be better i am working so fucking hard on#being better. i just feel so defeated bc this all spiraled from me not wanting to decide what to get for lunch n using a poor tone about it#I'm about to talk with her some more but I just. kinda don't want to exist right now. fuck dude. it feels so fucking awful when i upset her#like i love her so much she is so important to me and it breaks my heart that our entire day is shot bc i was tired and cranky#i just don't understand how that equates to me not loving her bc she is my whole world dude. I'm going to throw up#i also don't know how to explain to her that scrolling on tumblr is comfortable to me I'm not ignoring her it's just the SM that i scroll on#like we're hanging out watching tv together I'm gonna scroll a little bit. it's just not insta or anything#idk my mind is scrambled I'm crying I just want to be a better person who can calmly communicate my thoughts and emotions#today has just beat my fucking ass dude. i isolate so those feelings don't get translated into my interactions with others#i don't even know what i typed in these tags I just don't want to off myself or think about it I'm fighting myself so much 2day#rAMbles
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