#i am in love w them all but some more than others
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Rbti rewrite post :] (was gonna be more but I’ve had an eventful day.. will say later ofc)
Closeup of KCB, some more evolution of lore, and my day below cut!
((If I had the choice to redo this bug piece it would be to turn off his glowy eyes. Plot reasons. Also sorry I only ever post sketches, I fear if I do more it’ll sap my energy to get content out at ALL so))
I will say the plot has been wavering a LOT! I’ve been talking with some of my irl friends (all of them have lovely story writing or creative backgrounds which is amazing) and so it’s being patched significantly. Still not 100% finished, that’s why I haven’t made an entire lore post yet!! There’s a lot of loose ends and placement that needs to be figured out. But I feel like it’s only appropriate to state some at least :] you guys have given me amazing feedback and showed interest and I can’t thank you enough!
The “big bad” has been juggled around. I do like BEV, her motives are a little grey and need to be strung together accurately and cohesively. I also don’t want a twist villain, as much as that’s amazing I am not trying to rewrite WIR. Turbo in himself is a “big bad”, always will be, he’s the worst of the worst and completely irredeemable, that’s why the writing is so hard. “How do you put in a big bad that has to contest with one of the worst characters of all time?”
My answer is to make BEV solely target Turbo, and in turn it’s a domino effect for everyone, but then that makes this rewrite a little more Turbo centric than I wanted ((granted it IS because of my bias, but even then I realize he is NOT the main character of the previous movie))
These are out loud thoughts tho!! Def the story is gonna take a route where it’s more Ralph vs(?) Vanellope, where they realize their goals don’t really align but are trying to keep it from the other person (kinda like RBTI actually! But not as ‘drama needs to get in the way to actually make an issue’). Ralph is gonna be taking BEV’s side and Vanellope will be taking Turbo’s side, at least that’s the concept for now!
Talking about my day will be super short. Basically I showed my friend group (who doesn’t have the turbo autism I do, but Turbo has become such a referenced joke in my group. Instead of saying ‘this is my hyperfixation’ we say ‘This is my turbo’) the entire 2hr analysis video (thank you Randomalistic :]) and they loved it! Sat through it all front to back!! And I’m having a sleep over w them tomorrow and having a DnD session yippee!! But that’s the only reason why I’m posting this and not accumulating more for a bigger post.
I AM planning on working on ref sheets and even stuff like a ref sheet for their chat bubbles since they’re all different :] idk this became a super long ramble post idk have some funny WIR-related Jack box things my friend group made you earned it
#wreck it ralph#turbo wreck it ralph#wir#wreck it ralph turbo#turbo#turbo wir#turbotastic#turbotime#king candy#king candy wir#wir king candy#ralph breaks the internet#ralph wreck it ralph#king candy bug#king candy cybug#king candy is so velvet from trolls coded#rbti rewrite#looooongg rambling sorry I’m so scattered#and sleep deprived#but hey I promised a post!
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because i am who i am (annoying abt ro always) i have this clip saved from when the orbital was being built of zam and minute very VERY briefly considering the idea that ro might betray them before ultimately brushing it off as "nah he wouldnt" and moving on.
now the interesting thing abt this clip To Me is that both minute and zam immediately discard the idea that ro could betray while mapicc is the one whos like "i could see him doing that", albiet very quietly which is why the topic is dropped so fast but i do find it rly funny and interesting that the person who arguably trusts/understands ro the most in the call (and on the server tbh) fully acknowledges that bc of who ro is, its entirely a possibility that he full betrays for fun or for content purposes while the two people who seem to doubt ro's loyalty and trustworthiness to anyone who Isnt mapicc dont consider the possibility of him betraying for more than 5 seconds max
the whole concept of "trust" on ls is just so interesting to me bc again . to older lsers, trust isnt abt never disagreeing w ur friend or teammate Ever and supporting every single thing they do, its about reliability and consistency in who u are. mapicc trusts zam, ro, and even spoke to an extent spanning across multiple seasons bc he knows them. he understands who they are, their morals, what they have fun w and what they need in a team, and their reasonings/logic behind the things that they do.
this is why he teams w zam in every season (bc he is reliable and fun to be around), why he always ends up teaming w spoke despite acknowledging that you should never EVER fully trust him if u have half a braincell (bc hes fun and mapicc knows what to expect), and why he Always ends up friends w ro in some shape or form (bc his loyalty and reliability is consistent when it matters most. he is also just fun LMFAO)
it isnt about always expecting them doing things he always like or what he wants, its abt the fact that he has fun w them. he cares about them, and they care about him in turn. he has spent the time w them to fully understand them which is why his relationship w all three of them has remained so consistent throughout the years— bc he always knows what to expect w them!! regardless of if theyre his enemies or his teammates or simply his allies, theyre people he is able to come to for fun and sillies no matter what bc they are his friends
like newer people (mainly derap and kab tbh) see the relationship older ls people have and want a relationship like that of their own but thats exactly why they havent had that yet. bc they dont understand How the relationship dynamic works on a fundamental level, they think its about unconditional support No Matter What and loyalty to one person and one person alone but its just. not that. like every player is their own person w their own thoughts, principals, feelings, and morals. like zam left team awesome and eclipse fed despite his very real love for both teams bc he couldnt agree w their morals. mapicc hated ro's teammates in s5 but never EVER expected him to choose or to leave his team to stay friends w him. like they are all their own people who have their own boundaries and the respect they have developed for each other throughout the seasons is why their relationships have become so stable and consistent throughout the seasons.
#lifesteal#video#mapicc#prince zam#minutetech#roshambogames#duality duo#devotion duo#devious duo#also sry for the bad quality clip#my phone always kills the quality when i record clips LOL#but yeah like watching s5 vods had me thinking abt the idea of trust on ls and what it means#like ash CONSTANTLY trying to make ro choose and treating him w such hostility over his relationship w mapicc#while mapicc never EVER made ro choose “its me or them.” despite how much he hated ro's team#bc he respects ro as a person who can make his own decisions and still be friends w him#it rly reminded me of derap#how he constantly pushes zam to choose despite how unfair it is#and how he only stopped after hed felt like he already “lost”#even though like he didnt??? relationships are unique to each individual and if he respected zams boundaries and decisions#hed realize zam doesnt Need to choose between him and mapicc bc hes his own person#a person who chooses to love them both
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Oh don't mind me, just falling in love with unattainable mythological creatures my whole life 🖤
#d4ak#literally though#i can't tell you the passion i have for this#i am in love w them all but some more than others#mythology#mythological#cryptid#cryptids#creatures
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I think we should bring back basic etiquette lessons such as shutting the fuck up when you’re watching a movie in a group that is not exclusively your friend group 🙂
#welcome to another Mick Airs Out Their Grievances and by god is it a VERY long one#prob best if u don't expand the tags#am I being maybe a bit meaner about this than I would be for any other movie? maybe but pac rim is one of my favorite movies of all time#so I think I get a pass on this one.#one of the groups on campus is hosting movie nights & I went to this one bc I've only ever watched pac rim on my laptop and wanted to watch#it on a larger screen. yay yippee I love this movie!#there r maybe 10-ish of us in this room and a three person friend group is sitting on the couch one of whom has seen the movie and two who#have not. okay so far so normal.#and then the movie starts and they won't! stop! fucking! commentating! the whole fucking movie!!! I don't have a problem with doing that#when I'm in just my friend group because I know that I can tell my friend to stop talking or pause the movie or whatnot but not when I'm in#a large group w people I'm not good friends with ffs#and the comments aren't even funny or anything they're all oh this is JUST like in iron widow!! oh they're SO gay and autistic!!! and#they're talking so loud about this that it completely drowns out the movie audio which has already been turned up a few times#like. be considerate!! some of us want to yknow actually listen to what's going on and not whatever bullshit you're saying#I nearly walked out three or four times before I actually wound up doing so#I may have been a bit of a bitch at the end but I don't care. I got up to leave because this was not an enjoyable environment and one of#them offered to turn the movie down if it was too loud. this caught me a bit off guard since I expected them to still be so wrapped up in#their convo and. well. I may have said 'it's not the movie that's too loud' before closing the door#this also reminds me a lot about my issues with online shipping culture and it bleeding through into how we interact with media irl#this is probably heavily influenced by my aromanticism but I'm so sick of people constantly reading romantic relationships into everything#AND placing more importance on those relationships than any other form. I don't mind romance in media. I think if done right it has great#emotional impact on a story but when a movie is running and when other people who may not want to hear it are in the room watching it too#is not the time to be loudly saying 'he's autistic!' 'they're in love!' 'she has a crush on him!'#I have my own interpretations of the movie some of which agree with what they said and some of which don't but that's beside the point of#knowing how to coexist politely in public#anyway. I think they were awful and annoying and they ruined my night out.#I think I'm just so incredibly mad about this because I love the movie and I was looking forward to watching it in a group of people who#found it cool as well while still having some modicum of politeness#I almost wish I had been meaner but that's the extreme annoyance talking I think#hater hour over love u guys bye
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okay ill jump on the hyperspecific poll bandwagon
here's the wikipedia page for heritage language; it's most commonly defined as 'a minority language (either immigrant or indigenous) learned by its speakers at home as children, and difficult to be fully developed because of insufficient input from the social environment. the speakers grow up with a different dominant language in which they become more competent'.
it doesn't have to be a first language, just one you grew up with, but as an example: i learned mandarin first from my mom, but i was born in and grew up in the us, so i started learning english at age 2 and never got very good at my first language. its a weirdly important part of my identity and i just had to put it here cause im so confused when polls conflate 'first' and 'native' languages lol
#polls#hyperspecific poll#sorry for the rant abt heritage languages . not really#i am aware that these are all over the place#i have 0 clue if any of these are way more or less common than the other ones but ig ill find out#ideally aiming for like 50-75% 'none' answers but i probably went too general w some of them and too specific w others#fun fact one of the poison oak times was today peace and love#ive currently got bones degreasing rn#and the wildflower one was a few days ago lol ily wood sorrel.... why r u mean 2 me suddenly
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Every year, I tell myself that I should really consider taking off work for Father Brown premiere day, and then it comes around and I forget to do it, and I spend all day thinking about how I would so much rather be sitting cozy under a million blankets and going back to Kembleford than being forced to do boring work things.
#father brown#honestly i miss the old release schedule model#i loved having just a nice little ep to look forward to every day for two (and sometimes three) full work weeks#now they just put them on iplayer all at once but only air one a week#so its the worst of both worlds#i either watch them all at once b/c i have no impulse control#but do so with the understanding that the fandom may be pacing themselves w/ one a week instead#OR#i force myself to slow down but am grumpy about it#b/c for years the bbc would give me the perfectly prescribed little dose of serotonin in early-jan just when i needed it#the old system was great; why did they change it#an ep a day for 2-3 weeks was just the best way to pace it#i know there's a former higher up at the beeb that just hates the show#b/c it's much more expensive to produce than the average daytime show --even it more than makes up for production costs#by being the single most exported show from the channel to foreign markets (yup even more than doctor who)#so i can't help but wonder if the new release model is an attempt to kill the show by some other bitter exec#well jokes on them cause it didn't work last year and i pray that it won't work this year as well#am a bit worried about the sister boniface spinoff's future ngl#i think i did hear that it was getting an s3 and i think britbox funding it rather than the been directly does help it#but still a bit worried
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you inspire me to have kissy friends i love that but im still fighting being awkward about intimacy 😭💔
for me i understand myself and the way i love p well, and being v simplistic about it the line between platonic and romantic isn't there for me if i think ur cute and cool, i am just getting to know n appreciate u as a person! fundamentally.. which ways our connection blossoms and our dynamics will come about naturally :3 i am p open though!! i am honest and love giving ppl compliments and positive feedback; there r a couple different ways i could go about being more affectionate and intimate with a friend.
one is when u just are getting to know someone as a friend, u can ask about their boundaries and let them know u r affectionate with friends!! if they are too then there u go ♡
the other is becoming closer and comfortable with someone and u feel something shift in ur relationship, and u can tell them u would like to be more affectionate and if they r okay with that ask what they are comfortable with :3
the fun one is recognizing a mutual brain break going on realtime 👁️👁️ if you're not brave enough to say anything in the moment u can always confess later and tell them ur having Thoughts about them and get a feel for how they feel abt you. you can offer them More and it doesn't have to change ur relationship with each other.
the common thread is being communicative and talking about boundaries, and if ur having a hard time w emotional intimacy i think a great place to start is being more open and honest ♡ wear ur heart on ur sleeve. even if u don't feel comfortable or brave enough to tell ur friends u love them, there's nothing stopping you from telling them Why u love them. i love complimenting ppl and thanking them and telling them i had fun, i tell them when they look cute and love their outfits and what i love specifically or I'll hype up ur jewelry or hair change etc; if I'm feeling sentimental about something between us i will tell u how i feel and make sure u know u are appreciated.
i don't give compliments or praise or sentiments expecting anything in return, I'm just communicating my thoughts yk? take it as is and do with it what u will kind of thing, i just like being open!! i am of the opinion that people could stand to hear how great they are more often (✿ ‚‚⌒‿⌒‚‚) I'd like 2 think everybody likes feeling Seen, appreciated, understood, praised.
it's a lovely conversation starter but sometimes u just find someone u rly click with and as a dynamic i think practicing openness and honesty with each other on the little things makes room for u to be comfortable communicating bigger more sentimental and intimate things later on if ur friendship is going like that ♡
and with the boy specifically it was a combination of things.. we already had a great friendship and we had gotten a lot closer and more comfortable with each other conversationally, but phew i hadn't seen him in a good couple months i think?? and over that time i became comfortable with myself and Very t4t, and i got a lot hotter too when i went from fem to stem and he hadn't seen me in my masc era yet lol. not in person at least
anyways his birthday was coming up and i wanted to offer him a chain like mine and to make him a collar, and i was gonna go bring him his chain after work as a gift ^.^ ♡ when we finally got to see each other again oh my god lol he was in a sleeveless top w his arms out and For Some Reason i was more attracted to him than i had ever been 💀 i was trying not to stare too hard bc the whole time internally i was like AAAAA HE'S HOT HELP AKSKSKAK, BUT ☝🏾😌 I've had enough mutual brain breaks going on to know when someone's rly feeling me and i could tell lol. i originally just meant to stop by Real Quick but i ended up staying and hanging out for the evening (。ノω\。) i wasn't brave enough to say anything at first but i could not stop thinking about his shoulders and upper back and neck for like 2 days straight and i had to say Something.
being deliriously horny about him i was like GIRL OMFG DON'T DIE WONDERING TELL HIM SOMETHING and i sent him this 🙈
and he was glad i said something and was straightforward bc he was also having thoughts but wasn't sure if he could/should say anything ʕ ꈍᴥꈍʔ ♡ so we talked about boundaries and we're still friends like we were but we're affectionate with each other now too and it's a sweet way to deepen our friendship. we r exploring being sweet friends together 👩🏽🤝👩🏾 butch4butch t4t real...
i have a good idea of how i want to navigate polyamory but putting it into practice and loving my friends more intentionally, fundamentally and to the fullest w my current perspective is new for me! and being affectionate in general is new to him, so I'm happy that we can be vulnerable and brave about it together ♡ i can be a lil clumsy and he can be a lil awkward but i think we're very cute 😌🥰 he's a good boy (っ˘з(˘⌣˘ ) ♡
this ain't exactly a guide but it's a bit of what i got going on, take what u will from it (。・ω・。)ノ to be open with ur friends is a beautiful thing and i think things tend to develop naturally. i wish u the best of luck on ur quest w intimacy 🫶🏾
#v stoned rn so sry for rambling sm but i love love and could truly talk in sm other directions/depths abt it#so ty for the ask bc i am happy to talk and think about The Boy ♡ and yeah i hope this is at least a little helpful in some way#i have sm different thoughts and feelings about this man.. the way I've had a secret crush on him multiple times (。ノω\。)#he's very charming and considerate and is wonderful company#i think I've cooled off enough though and i rly enjoy what we have going on rn ^.^#i like having friends I'm like this with more than the idea of dating someone. esp after 11 yrs of monogamy#like the relationships themselves were great and there's 2 specifically when i say 11yrs bc i was w these ppl for 5 and 6 yrs respectively#but they were also socially isolating and suffocating and unsatisfying in different ways ૮ – ﻌ–ა i think what I'm doing is more fun#and fulfilling for me :3 i don't like having to live up to the Idea of a partner esp in a social/community way esp when the community is#cishet ppl and they push gender expectations on u but like.. in a gender dysphoria inducing way. obv depends on the fam#but it's just a lot less pressure and a different dynamic and it feels a lot more genuine and intimate in that I'm sm more#comfortable being open w my friends‚ and since the foundation is me loving them fundamentally i feel like#people who come to love me in these kinds of friendships like really love me for me yk? like i am sm more than just the role#i can fulfill for u and i feel like i can really be all that and be seen and be appreciated w my friends more bc the pressure's not#there interpersonally or socially. we just talk‚ we hang out‚ we're vulnerable with each other‚ we accept each other‚ luv each other for#who we are. no one's expectations are on us and we don't have expectations of each other. just some sort of sweet relationship that#can always be taken in whatever direction we want as long as we're on the same page w each other ૮ ᴖﻌᴖა
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brain is so silly bc I'm thinking "i wish Guz had cold hands so when I'm stressed he could cup my face and it'd soothe the itchiness I get when I start scratching at myself from the stress" and then I realized wait he's a fictional character. I could just say he has cold hands if I wanted. but he DOESN'T, i just KNOW that man is a heater !!! he will get me overheated so easily and that is simply something i am happy to put up with because i love him !!!!
#my temperature regulation is very bad but luckily i am more often cold than overheated so fjfkdl#it'd work out most of the time! but sometimes... he runs too hot and i will suffocate if he is physically affectionate DBDJKL#but thats okay bc i love him and am more than happy to deal with any overheating bc I like him sooooo much :3#but yeah idk my body hates me and loves to give me an overload of histamines when im anxious apparently LOL#thus... stress itchiness. rest in peace my skin 😔😔#anyways we're having a garage sale today and i am physically unwell with nausea and very itchy#trying not to make my skin and face all red and welted (from scratching) but goodness gracious i am being tested fhfkdl#and a pair of cold hands on my face other than my own cold hands would do wonders... ougghhhh#Wardell definitely has cold hands and i think ... hmm. idk who else would#Philby sometimes would but not super often and Theodor might occasionally when he's feeling under the weather#me just making shit up right now DBDJDKL#im 50/50 on whether my beloved janitor has cold hands or not. cannot decide!#and not to be cheesy but I think Sun and Moon would be able to cool their hands like an ice pack bc theyre a daycare bot#i never talk abt them bc I feel a little silly abt them but i do very much like the silly robots LOL#ANYWAYS. RAMBLE OVER. i have to go eat some food and then hopefully avoid helping too much w manning the garage sale 😭#💜so good at being in trouble#dandy.cmd
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I hate you sanitized batfamily. I hate you clean cut dynamics and quickly resolved conflict through honest and open communication. I hate you erasure of tragedy and complexity and toxicity.
insane ramblings below ⬇️⬇️
#I LIKE THE MESS#they can get along and have their little weekly get togethers and sleep in each others beds and comfort each other and such but its RARE#only some of them are super affectionate w each other and only some of them are open emotionally so that when they are actually getting#along it means more#no household run by bruce fucking wayne is going to be healthy even a little bit#more often than not batfamily affection looks like patching up wounds or covering case file reports or making an excuse to join someone on#their patrol#most of it is indirect bcs none of these mfs know how to express or feel feelings in a way that doesnt involve explosions#THYEV HURT EACH OTHER IN THE PAST AND THATS WHAT MAKES IT FUN!!!!!!#i prefer stephs character with her being treated like shit by even bats that i am a huge fan of bcs it adds layers to their characters#not only does it make them more human but it makes stephs later triumph as batgirl/spoiler all the more meaningful#no more clean pure sanitized found family please#its like that one post where its like the bats have more incommon w a traditional 'blood related' family in the sense that they arent#together by choice or common interest but because of batman and the mission#i like it more when they find love snd understanding of each other within that dynamic#thought bubbles#the haunted house#batfam#batfamily#dc comics
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i am unknowable and incapable of love goodnight <3
#romantic love i mean#against my will tho bc i want love so bad#but tbh i never feel anything more than awkward when i date 😬#i only feel comfortable with people when there's no romantic pressure idk#would genuinely love to build a platonic life with someone why do i have to be in love to marry someone and have a family w them 😭#love is real im just never going to experience it btw#but i still would like companionship and i really want kids tbh#i dont want to settle for not love in a relationship where thats expected or wanted and the other person loves me#but if it was an entirely platonic no pressure relationship that would be nice#maybe that would grow into love but the pressure of romance right off the bat kills the romance#in need to be close friends for like a decade first#sorry sorry im rambling insane thoughts its 11:30 and i just decided to break up with someone#and he's staying at my home so im even more painfully aware of having another person so deeply involved in my life that they become family#sorry you're not family i dont know anyone but my family well enough to let them be family and i never will please get out of my house#i make no sense but basically i love my family and want kids of my own but i dont want romance in there just platonic family love#romantic love is too hard to find and scary and weird i basically want to live with my actual family and adopt some kids someday sorry#this might change if i met the right person but i would need to be friends with them for a long time with no pressure first#and looking for that person is too forced and weird#anyway#its 11:30 in my 20s a week before valentine's day so naturally i am going insane that's all goodnight
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wait u know what im SUPPOSED to be drawing??? glynalan!!!! glynalan won the ship poll a while back!!!! plus it's just nuts that i don't have more art of alan in general, with glyn or otherwise. he's literally more of The Commander than glyn is and also i am obsessed with him
#it's bc he's so well behaved. hes not calling any attention to himself#also in terms of marina ocs im obsessed with merrit keeps beating him out by JUST a little bc merrit is so fun to draw.#i think i've literally probably drawn merrit more than i've drawn any of my own ocs - besides glyn - bc i am just THAT delighted by her#OH ALSO i talked to him abt it a little the other day and one day marina MIGHT set up his own gw2 blog?? :D#idk when bc they're very busy w work. but i would love that bc i would love for there to be a spot specifically for his ocs#of course i don't mind them all being stored here for now but sometimes i worry abt like. him not getting full credit for his ocs? if that-#-makes sense?? like i try to tag in ways that make sense + make it clear in my pinned and stuff but sometimes i still worry ppl might-#-assume some of his ocs are mine or that i'm the one behind All the lore when like. ALL our gw stuff is a team effort!!
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i do not want to get out of bed omfg. this week has been so fucking insane im exhausted but we have aprogram tonight until 7 and i have to facilitate and there are a million things to do today
#but i got my p*riod and cotaught on tuesday and broke up w my counselor on monday and a few days before that redacted redacted so im ph#physically and emotionally exhausted but we have this program tonight until 7 and then 2 trainings tomorrow andi have like 2 meetings inbetw#between those. and i just want to sleep and/or lie down w a heating pad bc my cramps have been brutal this time around. literally could#barely get work done on tuesday bc i was in AGONY and forgot my heating pad and no one could bring it to me from home but it s like i have n#nowhere on campus to lie down or get checked out or anything bc im not a student anymore so i need to just writhe at my desk (<- i have one#of those now finally btw 🥹💗) and jusf hope i don’t pass out. and i didn’t but it was so bad and im not recovered from it yet. idk.#everything is so much. there are some intense and in some cases horrible things happening. iwwish we had time to pause and process them and#that we weren’t so tired and stretched all the time. i wish we didn’t have all these pressures to worry about. i wish we could just have#time to love each other and check in truly and to support each other bc we are friends before we are colleagues methinks and i jsut want us#to be ok and happy and rested and healthy. idk. augh#delete later#purrs#also i think i am not normal when it comes to cramps btw. i think maybe it might not be normal to be in this much pain. or maybe im just#weak or have a low pain tolerance but i feel like it’s a lot worse than it used to be + i get cramps at Other times too and it’s ummmm bad.#ask to tag#like how absolutely insane that this is a huge part of my life and i feel like i can’t even talk abt it and it’s so embarrassing but it#literaly is like.. every other week im scared that im gonna be unable to function bc of pain but i literally say nothing at all and just smi#smile and pretend im fine and barely talk abt it. i don’t think that’s good or normal. and i think ppl should talk abt p*ripds more so it’s#not as weird or bad or gross or cringe whatever to talk abt being in pain and to accommodate urself or whatever despite other ppl knowing#abt it. cringeeeee augh i don’t want to be one of Those people but like. it’s bad and i fucking hate it
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Also as much as I appreciate people who identify as queer and can be normal about people not wanting to be called that. I also feel like there is a fundamental difference in worldview that cannot be explained or truly understood. Like it’s not just about one word, it’s an entirely different way of thinking about gender and sexuality and oppression.
Like sure you can respect my wishes regarding the word itself (after being reminded many times in enough different ways). But my problem is with the way you perceive me that led you to initially think of me as queer. That takes a lot more deeply layered unlearning than a simple change in vocabulary.
And it’s clear in the way that queer people talk about *why* they think I don’t like that word, that they don’t understand where I’m actually coming from. I can explain over and over in a million words what Not Queer means to me and why it’s important, and they’ll reflect back almost exactly the opposite.
Because we’re thinking from entirely different viewpoints and life experiences. Thus me not identifying w queerness in the first place. Bc we are so fundamentally not the same
#like. the way some trans people feel that no cis person can truly understand them no matter how well intentioned#that’s how I feel abt this. there’s a world of difference in the way ppl approach it and that does not go unnoticed#but I don’t think I can ever be truly deeply understood by people who think so differently from me#to the extent that they don’t even comprehend the basics of what I’m saying. or even understand that they aren’t understanding it#I love that people are becoming receptive to it but it’s like talking to walls. just right over their heads#it’s very isolating and makes me want more separation from the community. which is a shame bc I do want pride in my community#and like. some of the closest most important people in my life identify w this. so it’s not like I can’t be extremely close w them#or like relate to them abt other things or see ourselves in each other etc.#but it makes it all the more isolating that even in the closest most supportive possible connection I could ever hope for#there is still a misunderstanding of who I am fundamentally. like there’s a maximum possible level of understanding#and ppl do reach that point w me. i think connecting w someone different from u is even more beautiful than thinking u have to be the same#it’s just. isolating bc it feels like one of the only identities that inherently can’t understand me#and it’s an identity that’s not only constantly surrounding me but also forced on Me myself#mine#txt#q slur#vent post
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being alive at the time i gleaned some general elements abt encanto but never actually heard we don't talk about bruno beyond awareness it existed popping off & i think i heard like the title recited off key off rhythm but in a way that indicates speak singing nonetheless lol so upon experiencing it it's like oh but it's the Verses? while the last refrain goes harder but prior to that it's comparatively underwhelming to said verses which feels appropriate like verses / pieces of a larger picture & that a "we don't talk about him" as a disappointing Lid on infinitely richer more characterful & dynamic "but: talking about him" instances. like well personally it'd be like um seven foot frame....anyway besides being able to firsthand go like oh damn Real (the kind of thing you know exists if alive at the time) it's like alright hang on lol. one thing when a core theme is yeah like "is it a refuge if 'especial' vulnerability ultimately gets pushed out rather than made safer" subset like the parties whose even observation of truths (problems) & drawing attention to them is seen as Ruining Things, like if you're painted as Making futures that aren't simply what's desired or reassuring rather than a guidance via just observing & sharing the truth. but then it's like whaddaya mean living in fear of bruno stuttering and stumbling you could always hear him sort of muttering and mumbling lmao like now that's just Association between the Truth Perceiving & Telling behavior & behavior that's just apparently distinctive of the same person. & like Not Accidentally when [what if people were magic] specifics are obviously primarily abt a metaphorical meaning & like, indeed it was made clear like oh this situation isn't Just b/c [boo we hate your prophecies] & that [an Ability that isn't directed towards what anyone Wants / is "weird" even by these magic standards] isn't Coincidentally given to someone who just so happens to already be "weird" in other ways & be set up to have a different perspective & be pushed away due to having the supposed "extra" vulnerability of unmet needs / insufficient support, same as someone who doesn't "correctly" have any kind of magic ability....like yeah banger and also like Oh Yeah Kind Of Devastating re: that metaphorical resonance allowing for like [set the metaphor aside] now hang on with this about this disabled family member lol. misinterpretation to The Ruinerrr / The Problemmm / The Maliciousss etc (i.e. the scapegoatinggg) despite their efforts likely entirely to the contrary. then despite like, efforts aside, Just Existing, always kind of muttering & mumbling like & what of it. & then like oh sorry weird pets. weird [auspicious for adaptable tenacious thriving surviving; either way simply creatures, existing] pets.
truly like As Is The Idea I'm Sure quickly becomes like hands behind back standing at the window Uh Oh Sisters musing on all the [disabled person] metaphorical & already literal elements there. blair witching it in contemplation like We've All Been There whether being so resented for the mere disruption of "existing in a group as the 'abnormal' odd one out" or like people talking shit abt anything associated w/you as soon as you've left the room, which is also made relevant like, this wasn't Only directed at this person when seemingly permanently gone, nor were they unaware / unaffected prior....pacing in the Musing parlor like things don't Have to be compared to billions but i only ever even see so many things & it's like billions sure is like "get scapegoated rword" & then said scapegoating is presented as only beneficial & we hate autists & even beyond that it's like, grabbing billions, Imagine If Things Meant To Be About Something Were About Something. quite a contrast when they are & furthermore like, deliberate thought & Care for [who gets scapegoated & why] & the truth of like, people getting pushed aside & out who have a key perspective & are primed / liable to come through for others similarly vulnerable & the supposedly Ruinous, Problems Generating disruptiveness is actually the strongest effort to make essential changes to a group. & come through with like, it'd be undermining thee point if it was "reassuring" us like oh haha people will be supportive b/c bruno will be more normal, so great that it Didn't like no, no Normality Reassurance(tm), presence of abnormalities(tm), Good, & everyone Can Deal b/c if you don't then it's pushing this person away, is exactly what happens, including even if they're still Around but are being mistreated b/c that is entirely part of that pushing away like anyone's victim blaming is ready to pounce at any time but if someone can't stand to stay / leaves b/c they can't see another option like that's not out of nowhere nor Regardless of what full support & flexibility they were getting lol. these Active Measures everyone loves so much, which are everywhere always & would include Staying & Trying To Make It Work & those efforts would be "disruptive" & resented & Bringing It On Oneself & etccc smh
that is to all say like. Woww when clearly basically the core thread was these beats of like, the crucial site of [thee scapegoated], & why that comes down on someone & how that plays out. endless ideas about how someone weird(tm) & disabled (&/or queer. but there's no Or here lol. & again like it's a Context like, to even be the one person without kids? likely not living up to "full" correct sexuality in that way alone; any oppression's logics of "inferiority" being logics of ableism, ready examples being that "inferior" race, gender, sexuality (& their experiences as people classed as inferior) all being pathologized as disordered) are seen & treated as someone Ruining Things & who cannot belong like whew. bracing. winding. which, i also recall like i was watching with headphones & during this one dialogue pause i was like "?? what's this Extra Sound i heard there" & had to go over it like twice before being hit upside the head like well it Was still the dialogue pause but it was also bruno Stuttering in a very quiet whisper for the duration of that pause before continuing like iiiiiiii x_x
#[sitting waiting right here] for billions to have its vulnerable weird scapegoated misfit outcasts actually band together lmao....#like Sure Doesn't b/c billions is like we all hate weirdos & we all love telling them to shut tf up & go away to die or w/e. correctly#can't believe ultimately the Different fund disappears w/o its scapegoat & the Correct ''weird'' char is full axe cap mode finally#& it's sure not a Comment when billions affectionately gives them their free heavenly reward & Ensure zero scapegoating consequences#the [imagine if something about something was about something] approach to Banished Relatives being thoughtful & loving like#& here you see how even As they're banished everything isn't Really fixed for it incl. that people aren't Really just happy he's gone#billions is like no we killed him And everyone has gladly & legitimately forgotten he exists (save the instant it's time to use him)#the hilarious(tm) tragedies surrounding rian like billions' can't make her ''care'' abt winston be anything save more violence#can't pretend rian was anything more than [again we all Know your nads like w/taylor like w/winston] bagina + dialogue source combo in s6#when it's still dimly relevant for prince in s7 but you miss Nothing re: rian if you have no idea that plotline exists#& speaking of actual ''weirdness'' rian was never allowed to have: the tragedy of the tension of Closeted Transness present on screen fr#just as billions has no idea / further willingness to let rian be so ''weird'' as to actually care abt winston or abt not being a bully Lol#meanwhile i figured like oh i'll like a scapegoat. did know ahead of time like bruno's just some guy; not even ''redeemable'' antagonist#but In Practice & w/all that beloved Disabledness & crucial appreciation like you Need this guy; the understanding is Key#like well ofc i would kill for him. ofc just constant like mhm go off king slay fire etc. god tier character cherished forever thanks#but then also like im sure a zillion [intention; inspiration; thoughts] going into Tfw Family Things characters; a zillion interpretions &#thoughts to follow like it truly is Arresting like this clarity on A Disabled Person In The Group like. much much to consider & whew.#reference point like when autistic ppl in some job see an obvious [problem to future mess] pipeline; so you know bruno madrigal. My Vision#When You're So Hated like hey i wanna live unseen w/my so hated little friends lol. just reread how to disappear completely never be found#when it's like grabbing people Who Cares if someone's being ''obviously'' disabled or weird just as how they are existing godddd#people get so mean like Who Cares just talk to them; be around them. some effort some mind your own business some You're Not Above Them#when it's obviously You like yeah. nonzero but limited applicability like [specifically my own nuclear family] but re: Weird; Disabled#as ever i'll Relate & be like but i probably seem nothing like that. or maybe i am very much like that. kind of difficult to tell b/c like#you Do get the disinterest lol & feedback is Not that familiar / in depth even if positive like well. the emergent So Hated / Scapegoating#noting like if a character just seems refreshingly familiar; Understood; comfortable; fun; what's the odds they're cishet allistic lol....#anyway the epiphany like oh it was figurative blink & you miss it stuttering....did [waiiit] Pace that one off like inhaaale Waugh#in fact i'm sure the Verbalizing Effort has staved off the kind of [thinks about all of it a moment] to go Aauughhh about again#which; again; also something happening 5 yrs in re: the clairvoyant soothsayer autistic neuroqueer quant on the show w/No Thoughts abt it#ppl being invalidated by others having to validate themselves (& others in the same boat); billions going & How We Hate Them For It lol#oh & encanto's [excluded party's effort to partake] tragedy vs billions' [where's winston in this office? this event?] good riddance idc
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:O
#aaaaaaaahhh i missed sm on tumblr i just quickly checked some blogs and it made me sad and happy at the same time#but i rly gotta focus on studying for my exams ugh. even tho i was away on the weekend w some of my friends lol. it was so fun#i haven't had sleepovers w friends since i went to highschool which is over a decade ago#it was so good and fun even tho i didn't get a lot of sleep. but i caught up on sleep on the days since and yesterday and today ive been#feeling p energized c: today i. registered? or maybe declared is a more fitting word. that i wanna change my name and gender marker#and now i have to wait until the end of the year to actually change them. but it's in motion!#i also made an appointment for a chest ultrasound so now i just need a psychiatrist to be able to get top surgery w the surgeon i picked#i recently had a job interview for a student job as a mentor! it won't pay a lot but a bit money is more than nothing#and i enjoy being a mentor so i hope ill get the job. haven't heard back yet#also i found out that all the fellow students that i have become friends w are queer. i am friends w almost all my fellow students that#are queer except w one person. it's funny bc when we all started becoming friends we didn't know that the others were queer.#well i outed myself in front of professors and the class multiple times bc I didn't pass back then so it was obvious that im queer#but i didn't know abt the others. we all just gravitated to each other which is nice. one of them isn't even out to family or friends#at home and another one told me I'm the first person they've come out to so i feel p honored that we can be open and ourselves w each other#we watched so many queer movies and shows on the weekend i loved it#i never would've thought i'd come this far. look at me being mostly mental-illness-free medically transitioning and having a social life#being more comfortable w myself than ever#now i just gotta get a nice degree and a well paying fun job (i've had a shitty fun job before) and tackle all those medical issues i have#like exhaustion. but one step at at a time. i truly feel so good rn!! :D hope you guys are doing good as well#personal log stardate
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i hate change id rather die
#people arent sticking to their usual selves stop messing w my mind#havent talked to some friends in a while and theyre wildly dif and its making me so irritated can we go back to how we were before#my obsession of waiting by the phone until someone messages me first is coming back in the worst way possible#the coincidences with k stopped and i barely even see him anymore and his clothing style is changing???#hes becoming more normal popular whatever and its so boring please i need a loser boy go back to being that#mb i cant sleep and feelings are coming back but in a weirder way and i have like 2 projects due tmr im not done w and test#i need more friends but in the way of being irl that i can wave at during school and send them videos without talking fr#serenity wake up and come home bro literally ditch school just for me 🙏 believe in u bbg#omg sid is coming back tmr thank god i need my daily walks w him i literally tried w another guy today and it was not the same#bro was yapping ab love whatever idek 😭 told me ab his crushes which good for him ig but i barely know him idc 🙏#insta wants me to stop liking k too cause it deleted all my past stories ab him when i tried to make a highlight#is it so hard to have everyone obsessed with me all the time. cant people just pay attention to me forever#i forgot what i said in this post whatever im deleting it later anyway#post#erics tag#delete later#cringingg that people know stuff ab me and why i am the way i am. maybe they should all die so it becomes a secret again#literally why did i ever talk anything out with anyone other than serenity thats so fucking stupid no shit shes the only good one#thats a lie i love attention i just hate asking for it i cant even be bothered to say more bro im so exhausted but not in a sleeping way yk#kindividual posting
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