#i am going to fight. for myself. for my future. for my own worth.

[cambrianera]

anyways. life is as good as its ever been (low bar though tbf) and im beginning to reach a stage where i dont care abt what the people who've hurt me think abt me anymore. esp my stepmom. its very strange and not a feeling ive had very often but i think i could get used to it. i feel oddly Okay lately.

[crave-mp3]

ok so sitting on your roof and listening to crave and ribs does NOT fix it but does make it slightly more tangible and therefore able to be grasped and breathed through

[nkjemisin]

The results of the election has been absolutely devastating and terrifying and I wanted to pop in and say thank you. Firstly, for what your work has meant to me over the years. Broken earth resonated with me in a way no other piece of media has. Essun has lived in me ever since I finished the series, and I hope to get a tattoo of her as a stone eater at some point. More relevantly to how I started this, however, I wanted to thank you because your work has given me solace twice over in dealing with the world right now. With the world feeling like it’s falling apart and the future so uncertain, thinking of broken earth reminded me that even when the world is ending around us there are still people and things worth fighting for. Secondly, nearly all of my comfort media deals with antfascist or antiracist themes, and it’s felt all either too real to engage with, or hopeful in a way that felt too bitter given the state of things. I had started relistening to the city we became just before the election, and I had to stop for a bit because the hope in that story felt like more than I could bear. I hesitantly picked it back up saturday as I was walking to meet someone, and it surprised me by having the opposite effect. Seeing all of us — queers, jews, people of color — at the forefront and fighting reminded me that we are out there, that we won’t give up, that while we live the fight is not yet over. So I just wanted to say thank you for giving me some much needed hope and strength in these bleak times.

I am always astonished, and honored, when people tell me my work has this kind of effect on them. Thank you. It's good to know I've helped, even if only in spirit, and even if only a little.

As for the rest -- yeah. I feel you. I'm going to forego sharing my own feelings about all this; they're too raw, and I express myself best through my fiction, anyway. But I resolved something a few days ago, and I'll at least share this: I am not letting these motherfuckers steal my joy. There is too much beauty in the world, and too many people who are worthy of my time and attention, for me to waste more time/energy than I must on people who aren't. I will protect whom I can including myself, fight back where I can, but I am also just going to live my goddamn life, because therein lies the fuel I need to keep fighting.

So if you're getting some of that fuel from my work, wonderful. Get more from wherever else you need to -- with caution as you must, but without guilt or fear.

Take care.

[reimeichan]

I know that when people say that DID has no cure, that those of us with DID will always have a DID brain and may even split again in the future, they're trying to be realistic about recovery goals and maybe even acknowledge that those of us who have reached Final Fusion or Functional Multiplicity are still part of the DID community. However, I've recently been finding those kinds of statements to sound.... defeatist, actually. There's oftentimes an underlying feeling of "what's the point of trying so hard if I'm just going to have DID forever?" or "no matter what I do there will always be the possibility for me to relapse", and as such I've started to see these phrases as being almost anti-recovery.

I agree, there is no cure for DID that we know of. We cannot change the fundamental way our brain works. However, that's not the same as saying there's no way to get better with DID, or saying there's no treatment for DID, or there's no way to live a happy, fulfilling life with DID. It takes a lot of work, yes, but it's absolutely possible to learn how to live with both dissociation and trauma to the point they have very little if any negative impact on your life. That's what expanding your coping toolbox is for. And learning emotional regulation. And trauma processing. I may never live the same life as someone who never developed DID or has the same traumas as me, but that doesn't mean I'll be unhappy and miserable and fighting against my own brain every day of my life. Instead, I've learned to work with my brain and with my disorders, and in the process I've learned how to not just survive day to day but thrive. I'm excited to see what tomorrow brings me. I'm hopeful.

And I think that's really what my feelings on those phrases boils down to. They feel like they lack hope and end up making me feel like working on recovery isn't worth it. But I know that's wrong, for myself at least. It's definitely worth it to keep walking forward one step at a time. Where I am now and where I was before are two very different places, even if some days it's hard for me to see those differences and acknowledge that. And there's so much more for me to look forward to as well.

So, here's to healing and recovery and thriving with DID.

[blakeswritingimagines]

Dear Y/N

My dearest

How many days have I spent in your thoughts and dreams? How many nights have I spent with you in my heart? Just a glimpse of you, and you had immediately become the center of my world. You are my only reason to exist, there is nothing in this world that can replace you. All I want is for us to be together, for me to be yours and you only mine. How I wish I could hold you in my arms, and keep you close to me until the end of time. My love for you is so intense that it defies all logic. It consumes my every thought, it burns through my entire body. You are the reason I live, the reason I fight. Your smile, your eyes, your soul, you are everything. There is not a single day that goes by that I don’t think of you, there is no dream I don't have about us. Being apart from you feels like a fate worse than death, you drive me wild, and you’re in my head all the time.

Every single second that I am away from you, feel like an eternity of suffering. I am constantly desperate for your presence. When I am near you, my body responds in the only way it can. I crave your touch, your embrace, the way your breath would feel on my skin, the way your body would fit against mine. The sound of your voice would drive me insane, I would do anything just to hear you say my name again. Your scent would be the only thing that I would be able to focus on, the way it would cling to my skin. The way you would wrap your arms around my neck, and how your body would feel in my arms, my mind would go blank. The sound of your laugh would be the only thing I would be able to hear. You would be the only thing in my mind, my only desire. Without you, I feel like I’m only half a man. I would give up everything just for you.

The feeling of you in my arms is the most wonderful experience in the entire world. When I hold you close, it’s like time stands still and I forget every worry, every pain. All I can focus on is how perfect you are, how perfect we are together, the way our souls connect on a level no one else could understand. I am completely under your spell, addicted to your presence. I am powerless to resist you. I want to feel the heat of your body against mine. I want to run my fingers through your hair and explore every inch of you with my lips. I want to wake up each morning, with you next to me, and see you as the first thing when I open my eyes. I want to be closer to you than anyone else in the world, closer than your own reflection. I want you all to myself and make sure the world knows you're mine. My world does not exist without you in it. You are like a drug that my soul is addicted to, I am obsessed with you and there is nowhere I would rather be than by your side. Your body is my temple, a place of worship and pleasure. My body is yours to do what you want with, I want you to devour me, to use me, I want to be yours and yours alone.

I need you, more than I need air, more than I need food or water, more than I need anything else in this world. I need to hear your voice, to feel your heart beating against mine, to taste your lips with every kiss. I want to spend every single moment of my life looking into your eyes, admiring every inch of you, loving you, and protecting you. You are the only one and will only ever be you, the one I would die for, and kill for. Every dream I have, every fantasy I imagined, every thought of the future, leads to you. I want to spend my life making sure you’re happy and safe. I would burn the world, just to see you smile, I would move mountains if it meant I could hold you in my arms. My world is nothing without you in it, a life without you is not a life worth living. You are my world, my obsession, my love. My thoughts are plagued by visions of you and me together. I imagine us living in a house by the sea, waking up to the sound of the waves, holding you in my arms every morning when we wake up. When I’m in battle I’ll picture your face, your beautiful eyes looking at me, and I fight harder to survive, so I can come back to you. When I close my eyes, you’re the only thing I want, you’re like a poison that is slowly infecting my heart and mind.

You have no idea what you do to me. There is not a single moment of the day that I don’t think of you. You drive me wild, the way your eyes light up, the way your hair falls over your face, the way your body moves. Your very presence makes me feel things I never thought I could feel. You have me wrapped around your finger, I will do anything you want, just to hear the words “I love you” from your lips. My love for you is like a fire, burning deep inside my soul. It consumes me, it courses through my veins, it ignites every cell in my body. My heart beats faster, my breath hitches in my lungs, and my body trembles when you’re near me. Your touch is like magic, it sends shockwaves through my entire body, setting every nerve ablaze. You have the power to break me and heal me all at the same time, to bring me to my knees. My body is yours to use as you want. I want to feel your hands all over me, your lips on mine, your fingers running through my hair and down my back. I want to feel your body pressed against mine, your skin touching mine, our hearts beating in time. I crave your touch like a drug, it’s an addiction that I can’t get enough of. Every cell in my body is alive with desire, yearning for your closeness. I am completely and utterly under your control, and I would do anything to keep it that way.

My love for you knows no boundaries, it is limitless and eternal.

I am entirely at your mercy, for there is nothing in this world I wouldn’t do for you. I am yours completely, every fiber of my being is intertwined with yours. I will love you until the day I die, and even beyond that. There is nothing in this world more important to me than you, you are my reason for existence. I am fully consumed by you, body and soul. I ache for your touch, your voice, your presence. Every thought, every dream, every desire leads me back to you. There is no power in this world that can quench the fire of my love for you, it is an inferno that rages inside me, consuming everything in its path. You are my world, my universe, my everything. And I would do anything, anything at all, just to be with you.

Yours eternally.

[novelconcepts]

There are a lot of Worst Things about depression. Everybody's got a different Worst Thing. Hell, I can't always decide on what my personal Worst Thing is. Sometimes it's the numb despair. Sometimes, it's the dumb animal panic. Most of the time, though, it's that there isn't enough room inside of me.

What I mean is: I care about too many things. I think that's pretty standard these days for a lot of people. Empathy stretched fine as gossamer. We see so much suffering each day. We see so much more than any one person was meant to. So you wind up caring, because caring is what a person is wired to do, what makes life worth living. You care about people you know. You care about people you've never met. You care about situations in countries you haven't set foot in. You care about the political climate of your own hometown. You care about your own dreams. You care about your best friend's bad luck. You care about your pets' health. You care about when the next book in your favorite series will come out. You care, and you care, and you care, because you're wired to care about it all. It's exhausting sometimes, but it's life. Sometimes the best part of life.

With depression, the caring space gets to feeling too full. Has packed tight, all those elements butting into one another until they lose meaning, the darkness threading into the gaps. There just isn't enough room inside of me for all the fear and the despair and the weird empty anger, much less the stuff that actually matters. So I start shorting out. Because, see, depression makes it so I can't care; don't see a point in even trying. And the real me, the part of me that isn't being cannibalized by the demons, doesn't know how to do anything else. So the middle ground becomes: shrink the caring space. Shrink it down bit by bit. All systems are running at once, and we're getting low on juice, so the natural thing is to start shutting off lights. Start jettisoning the extraneous to make room.

Except it's depression at the wheel, not common sense, so it's not just the extra flair getting turned off. Not the despair and the mind-numbing terror and the reckless urge to pick fights. The stuff that winds up getting tossed is stuff I need. Stuff that keeps me going. It's all being shut down at once, no rhyme or reason, until I suddenly can't care about the things that are me. Intrinsic, fabric-level stuff. I can't care about creating. About making art. About telling stories. I can't care about other people telling stories. I can't care about my friends the way I'm supposed to. I can't care about their travel or their kids or their wins. I can't care about making food for myself. I can't care about brushing my teeth. I'm shutting down to component parts, but I didn't get to pick which components are still running full-power, so I wind up with just a handful of randomly blinking lights. Suddenly, I care very much about my fear of the future, my financial insecurity, how fast I can run a 5K, a single television show--and just about nothing else.

It isn't healthy. It's sure as fuck not sustainable. And I know from experience that the rest of the system will come back online eventually. I'll find myself telling another story in a week or a month. I'll find myself sketching something out of nowhere. I'll find myself able to grieve a lost loved one and treasure my new nephew. It'll all come back, in time. But it's the in-between bit that grates. The bit where I'm in the shuttle with my knees tucked against my chest, sucking oxygen through a straw, trying to conserve whatever is still running. The bit where I resent the people in my life who aren't running on fumes like I am. Where I'm furious that they can care, that they can move freely, that they aren't pacing a minuscule cage like I am. It's a loss, all the months and years I've spent on life support. It's a fucking waste.

That's where I am right now. Life support. Little things get in, from time to time. I can suddenly inhale a book series start to finish. I can suddenly coax myself into eating the same thing for lunch for three weeks straight. Those are extra lights on the dash, and I have to treasure them. Because there isn't really room, so any little thing that I find space for is a gift. And everything else--talking. planning. trusting. creating. intake.--has to stay dark for a little while longer.

It'll come back on. I have to believe it'll come back on.

In the meantime, I hunker in my shuttle, and I wait.

[the-iceni-bitch]

𝓑𝓪𝓻𝓮𝓯𝓸𝓸𝓽 𝓲𝓷 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓦𝓲𝓵𝓭𝓮𝓼𝓽 𝓦𝓲𝓷𝓽𝓮𝓻, 𝓒𝓪𝓽𝓬𝓱𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓜𝔂 𝓓𝓮𝓪𝓽𝓱

Relationship: ex!Carol Danvers x female!reader

Words: ~500

Summary: Christmas never felt so blue.

Warnings: grown up words, ANGST! angst angst angst

A/N: I’m still in my feelings, guys. This is super short but I still feel like it ripped my heart out a lil bit. I feel like this was the same couple I wrote in this ask, so I’m just apologizing off the bat for the misery in here.

I am no longer doing taglists so if you want to stay up to date on all my latest fics, follow my sideblog @the-iceni-library and turn on notifications.

Your house doesn’t feel like home anymore.

You lit the candles Carol bought you, you hung her stocking on the mantle, but still you feel so cold. The space under the tree for her gifts is empty since you couldn’t bring yourself to wrap them. They are all still in the chest in the attic where you always hide them and you think they will have to stay there for a while. Maybe someday you will send them to her. She already took everything else with her when she left. You just want to hold on to something of hers a little longer. You wanted to make her happy and you still don’t know why you couldn’t.

Next month you think, you hope you can pack everything up. All of the ornaments you picked out together. All of the memories you made and your plans for the future. The songs that Yelena played for you when you sat in front of the fire while she told you why she loved each one. Since she loved them you loved them too. You could have listened to her tell you about every tiny thing she loved for hours, and now you’ll never get to hear her voice again.

The gingerbread you baked together tastes like nothing. You cannot eat anything, it all tastes like grief. You stare at the plate as you sit in what was you chair, holding the blanket that still smells like her and ignoring the pain of hunger in the pit of your stomach.

Your anguish is overwhelming but still you want her again. You can’t bring myself to plead or beg, but if she showed up at your door and said it was all a mistake you would welcome her. You were willing to work on it then and you’re willing to work on it now. You just want to hear her voice. You want her to talk to you instead of shutting you out. You know you made mistakes but if she loved you the two of you could have fought through it. Why wasn’t she willing to fight for you? Were you not worth it?

She said you should have known that it was coming. Two days before your heart broke you and Carol were smiling and laughing, making tinsel crowns and taking Polaroids together, but you should have known. Maybe you did, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less.

Everything is hers. Pretending otherwise is futile. She touched everything in this house so you can’t even bear to look at it anymore. The tree and the lights and the decorations you put up make your vision go blurry. So you gaze out the window at the falling snow and let your thoughts go as silent as the white world outside while ignoring your own miserable company. The new year could come and go, and still you would sit in your chair, alone and empty. There was nothing to celebrate without her.

[guiltycorp]

mmm im sort of glad they released arcane survivor jayce skin voicelines in league before act 3 drops because my expectations for it were rising a bit too much lmao... before it i almost convinced myself that yeah, viktor's character arc will lead him to manipulate jayce into transferring his soul to a new mechanical body + focus on a new strategy for 'healing' societal issues that isn't 100% evil and bad (while still having its drawbacks re: will and consent) and fighting noxians would place the zaun side in a better position to bargain with piltover for equal rights and a stop to exploitation (with an open ending sure but still), or even a straightforward revolution with zaun getting its independence through a violent protest that piltover wouldn't be able to curb due to being stretched too thin

but uhm.... all of this looks kinda... sigh

i really doubt they'll have the time in the remaining 3 episodes to develop both his and Viktor's motivations to fit those new ideas, feels like more of the same 'it all happened off-screen, trust that it makes sense' journey saying that Viktor is 'still worth saving' feels especially yucky all things considered, like pls stop trying to save that man and let him act and choose for himself for once in this season maybe? never thought i'd miss the times when Viktor was doing unsafe experiments, getting illegal drugs from evil mentors and accidentally fridging random female assistants, but mmm that sure didn't get a proper continuation for him did it... just like with Caitlyn, or even Mel or Jinx, we just can't seem to get a proper development for the obviously Questionable things the characters choose to do, it's all kind of swept under the rug or cancelled out by magic interference i guess, or they changed their mind off-screen so it's fine now now that i think about it, Jayce is the only one who was allowed to somewhat grow and change organically, and yet this arcane adventure of his might end up ruining even that... well maybe Vi too but she didn't have a concrete focus this season, just more of the same 'should i reconnect with my sister/father or kill them off for good' and lesbian angst (if she still goes back to enforcers after this i just... fml) did Ambessa's warmongering get the best of her or was she cornered by the Black Rose shenanigans with no better way out? did Isha have any purpose aside from giving us false hope that Jinx will get better and have a happy ending? will Mel have any relevance aside from the new magical one and managing her own mother? does Viktor want to 'supersede nature' and get rid of human error element now because of his own character journey or because that's just what Hexcore is leading him to do?... will Caitlyn show that she still doesn't get why Zaun is the way it is or will she also go 'yeahhh i made some mistakes, but now we fight a common enemy yay, and i'll be a bit less strict in the future without making any meaningful changes to the status quo... it was all them foreigners fault' it's just all so... aghhh

and yep now i am expecting that the piltover/zaun conflict is overrr because they have to come together to fight Ambessa and whatever is going wrong with the magic, sighhh social conflict plotlines are a little too spicy for our animated league adaptation i guess... ...this is the only voiceline implication i like and even then i can't help but imagine Viktor the damsel in distress begging Jayce to fix the mistakes they both did instead of like, participating in that himself

bonus points if that promise won't even be to Viktor fghgfhgf

[ink-stains-and-constellations]

Hope is not naïve or silly or foolish or pointless.

Hope is determined. Hope is making your own light even when you're stuck in darkness. Hope is so much harder than despair. Hope is gritty, and stubborn, and above all is a refusal to give in to the little voice whispering, everything is worthless. Nothing matters. The world is shit and there's nothing you can do about it. Hope is hearing those words and shouting back, "No! The world may have problems, but it is worth fighting for. Our futures are worth fighting for. We are worth fighting for, despite everything."

People act like cynicism is more mature. Like you're just growing up and seeing the truth of the world. But that is stupid, because the world is complicated, and full of good and bad and okay and decent and really shit and amazingly beautiful and so-so and meh, and it can always be made better, there is always something you can do about the shitty parts.

And that's why I refuse to give up. That's why I am stubbornly remaining hopeful. Because I have been through some bad times, I have been deep in the darkness, I have hurt myself and hated myself and despaired at the world, I have forgotten how to smile and laugh, I have given up, and now that things are better I will not go back to believing that cynical, sad, angry, hopeless voice in my head. If the world is dark, I will make my own light. If something is bad, I will try my best to make it better. If I have to fight to do that, then I will fight, with my words and my actions and my art and everything I have. Because, despite everything, despite all the bad and awful and horrible, we are worth fighting for. Maybe it'll end up being pointless, maybe we're all doomed in the end, but here and now, we can still fight to create a bit more light in this world of ours. And I don't think that anything that creates a bit of light can ever be pointless.

[saagar-jaisi-aankhonwali]

Moonlit Pages #8

Moonshine's Musings

चांदनी का चिंतन

Thoughts , lot of thoughts , I sit here with various things going all around in my mind , I haven't been myself lately , I can sense it in my bones how things are going from worse to worst and yet I am not doing a single thing to stop it , I sit back and see my own life slipping from my hands....

I can see my hands shivering , my inside churning how my heartbeat sometimes drop so low , I am hardly breathing upon that I can feel a constant weight on my chest , I do not know if it's the weight of regret or the weight of my existence , but whatever it is , it is slowly eating me alive , it feels as if it is slowly taking me towards my end but no matter how hard I try , I can't control it.....

How hard it is to survive in a body constantly fighting to live but with a brain which always urges to die.....

I am losing interest in everything , listening to music was one such thing which always helped me but now it just doesn't matter if music is there or not....

I want to run away from everything , I just want to disappear , doesn't matter where I go but I can be anywhere instead of this world , instead of living a traumatic life it's better off dying a peaceful death , I feel lonely all the time , I have people who care for me but still it feels as if everyone around me is faking their concern....

Daily arguments , fights and this constant test which I have to pass in order to prove my worth , is something against which now I am losing my battle. I want to talk it out to someone but it just makes me feel like an attention seeker so I have no one who can understand me....

My mind plays tricks on me and i always believe my mind , I can feel pain in each pore of my existence and I do not know how to cope with this phase of life.....

क्या ये है एक छोटा लम्हा या बन गया है जीवन का अफ़साना कैसे समझें इस नादान दिल को न वो वक़्त रहा ना वो आलम वो भी एक दौर था जब हम भी कभी खुशियों की पर्चाई से घिरे थे अब तो घमों के साये में कहीं खो से गए हैं

I do not know where I am heading in life but "Day runs with a hope of one day life is gonna change" so let's not forget that and continue Hoping despite whatever life throws at us....

With the hope of this shall too pass

To the past me I am so proud of you....

To the future me I do not know where we are heading to , so let's just see what's up in life in the coming days....

Moonshine 💌

[xbluebirdx112]

The results of the US election have hit me slowly over the last week. My first thought when I heard the news was, "It's just four more years, and then he's done for good." But that's four more years to hurt people, to hurt my community, to strip us of our rights, humanity, and even our outlets like books and fanfiction itself. I didn't expect to find myself living in a dystopian society and I don't know what this reality means for my future, my life, or my education.

As a trans person, I'm not under any illusions of what exactly it means to be trans and the statistics that come along with it. Over the last few days, I've been feeling the weight of who I am-- my identity-- and all the ways others might hate me for it.

I've seen so many people who are truly just in shock and I'm afraid I can't offer more beyond that. To be completely honest, I feel like I've been betrayed by my own country and my own people. I'll be honest, fighting the good fight is exhausting and sometimes it can feel fruitless. But when I look around and see the people that I love who are so profoundly beautiful, I know that we won't stop. That I won't stop because what makes life worth living is humanity and they can't take that away.

All I can really say is that I'm going to take it as it comes and see what happens. It might not be okay, but it'll be, and as long as I have myself I can still change and grow and make decisions for myself.

More than anything though, I'll continue to create. Fandom and fanfiction are so important for so many reasons, and from my perspective, it's interwoven into the fabric of the way I engage with media and many people in the community. For those of you who are worried about how Project 2025 will affect fandom and Archive of Our Own, just know that we're so resilient. And also incredibly spiteful. You'll always have your stories.

I love you guys, and even though it doesn't feel like it, we'll be okay. It might be hard, shitty, and annoying, but we'll be okay.

[daydrinking75]

fuck off i just wana get high of prescription medication so my back stops hurting and not participate in society. cant i just DO things? without the weight of having a future and fighting for to keep it. its not that im being forced to, but its my only option. i dont think its worth dying yet, theres nothing to die over really; the cumulative experience of 20 years really is nothing in the grand scheme of things. i have an idea of who i could be, and id like to see that person and be that person, but i can only do so if i keep living. and living means work. it takes a lot of work to live. and that makes me just wana kill myself because why is life--something thats upheld on this stupid pedestal and considered "good"--so damn painful? to me anyway. thats the unfortunate thing, i can only experience the universe through myself. these things are only painful to me, in the sense that without myself present, there wouldn't ve anyone in pain. and the world wold continue to exist. "painful" really just means inconvenient. then again, maybe i just havent felt real pain. im a white girl complaining on the internet with fancy words--i know how it sounds. and even then, pain beyond my understanding is just an extreme inconvenience beyond my understanding. it doesnt devalue it though, what was gained and lost from the pain doesnt go away just because it's a pest. thats the opposite of what they do. some people have wasp nests in their brain. some people clean them out, some let them fester--some people have butterflies (how wonderful that must be), ants, spiders--things of an infestive nature. they accumulate over time, its up to you how to handle it. its a responsibility, to live. to ensure to properly treat the environment of infectents. and ive always struggled to care. to give a fuck. i just dont. for whatever reason, on principle, i couldnt be bothered with responsibility. but i am by the suffering it brings. and the eventual suffocation--forget falling figs, i feel like im watching termites devour my future because of my conscious neglect. i cant stand it. and im sure this is a common occurrence. but i dont have a "will to live" i have a will to become, and the only way to do that is to stay alive long enough for me to understand and grow myself into someone worth dying next to. because im unable to become something when i die, thats all i am, dead. and all the blood and tears and trauma that comes with that concept. but in my experience life is full of that anyway, and the only thing that sets apart the "big sleep" is the act of ending life. it just stops. its a given that im agnostic--i wish i believed in a god that loved me, people often seem happier when they have divine love, even if it hurts others--and for me heaven isnt a place i'll find after i die. hell might be, but that doesnt change the fact that the afterlife remains provably defined as a variable. an entity of limitless possibilities, including nothing at all. the only thing thats known for sure is that its not this, its not life. otherwise it wouldn't end so abruptly. so life and death are antithetical and interchangeable; just two different states of existence. its not by any fault of its own that death is so painful; its a function, a process, it will execute its purpose regardless of if it hurts someone or not. unfortunately all things living, including people, are those who deal with the hurt. no one finds the things that hurt them appealing. well, thats a lie. if you know you know. lets say its at the very least impractical; if you want to live, why would you be attracted towards death? what a wonderful question. its a shame i dont have the answer. i have speculations, educated guesses, impulsive thoughts, but its about time i circle back to the point im trying, flimsily, to make; its impossible to live without thinking. without engaging in life. in society. in people. its those things that give us substance; reality is precious because its uncontrollable, daydreams wont ever compare. so maybe the unknown isnt so scary. its different.

[hey-name-arya]

Okk so just random thoughts i had while i was repeatedly listening to empire now by hozier i am not sure if anyone will read this but will still add hastags in hope of finding people who i can maybe talk with

The lyrics go so well with the current situation of the world i mean i know it was written about the irish independence but the lyrics resonate to me so much about palestine and the current situation of manipur and kashmir and every place going through oppression around the world i was hoping for some edits for palestine to pop up on this song but sadly saw none and not only palestine it goes so well with the stories of so many places taking in the example the native americans or may it be the british colonisation in India the song was written for the hearts of all the people who at one point of time saw what it was like to not have what was their's.

Some of my thoughts with these lyrics

The lyrics

"Sun coming up on a dream come 'round

One hundred years from the empire now"

Made me think how the current comforts i have and live with right now, the peace and freedom that i can enjoy was something my ancestors fought for it was a dream for them which let me have it their struggle in the past has brought the privilege i have in the present and now the same comforts i am enjoying is a dream for the people in palestine fighting for their land, it is a dream for the people i manipur of my very own country whose people are bleeding it is a dream for the people of ladakh who are losing their land to industrial plants while i sit here writing all these are people bleeding, straving, fighting, struggelling to keep what is THEIR'S.

Rightfully so.

"Darling, I wouldn't sell the world

The way that things are turning

If it falls

I would hold on for all it's worth"

These lines remind of how in the past my ancestors found the land that was exploited, that the land they were refused to have freedom on was deemed unusable that the west had deemed backward, the land the west had pride on occupying, and still found for it cause it

WAS THEIR LAND

It made me think of all the people who are making sure to keep records of the truth of what is happening in the world like bisan, before oct 7th i never knew who she was now i check for her updates just to know she is alive to know what is going on in gaza and always hoping for some positive news to come the fact that i was blind to all this before 7th oct it took soo long for people to realise what is happening there makes me sad. It makes me mad at myself for not having learnt all this before. It made me think of sonam wangchuk who has been restlessly posting and fighting for the people of ladakh for their demands to be heard for them to get what they require and deserve.

"The future's so bright it's burning"

I took this one line separately cause when i hear this one particular line unlike the others i can't make a connection to the past i only connect with my worry for what the future has in hold, is mother nature going to surivive that long will we humans kill each other till no one is there to exist just cause we hate each other and keep finding differences among ourself even though at the end of the day we are all human i don't know i feel like we are just killing our future not letting it to stay and we will be the reason our earth will end.

"Martyrs of our revolution

Their spinning caused the earth to shake"

Today even after years have passed from our freedom struggle we remember the names of the brave hearts that fought for our country that gave their blood sweat and tears in hopes of seeing a freeland there are so many people who were involved in the struggle and their names have become immortal even after them passing away

In the same manner the names of the people who are now struggling for freeing palestine will become immortal in the future while it may seem like there is no impact from them the content they have put up and are continuing to put up is the record of history and what the future generations will be learning about cause they are the true heros

Bisan

Motaz azaiza

Plestia alaquad

Saleh jafarawani

And many more names are the ones keeping palestine alive right now for the very existence of the palestine people is making the earth shake cause for them existence is resistance.

In the same manner sonam wangchuk is keeping ladakh alive, who is letting us know how the people are and what they are doing putting forward peoples demands and educating people about it this man is not only a person but is an educational reformer and teacher to us and hope for the people his name should be one that should remain in history.

"The problem brought its own solution

They power now the world we've made"

It has happened in the past the one who colonised thought they were doing a favor by solving the problems of the people who were captive when really them leaving would have been the greatest gift and it's happening in the present with isreal acting as if they are the one that actually own the land they don't and influctung suffering on the indigenous palestine people as if they have any damn right to do so they don't they never had they never will they are the problem and they cannot play the victim.

"Sun coming up on a world that's easy now"

The sun is shining on us all who are now comfortably sitting in our homes enjoying the freedom we have my ancestors dreamed of this world for their future generations, today i am the future generation who is living it in the same way the people of palestine and people of ladakh and the people of manipur are going through the struggle so that some day in the future the sun will shine for the same comforts i am living in

I really wanted to write a bit more about manipur but from what i have researched i only know the conflict has not ended but other then that i have no information while i was only able to write about what i know i want to dedicate this to all the people who are suffering and i pray for a peacful world.

[tavyliasin]

BG3 FicFeb NSFW - Day 3

I'll be honest with you darlings I had every intention of making this one spicy but then feelings happened? Still, it was fun to write, and an interesting scenario I might re-use at a later date. Shortfic below the cut (still NSFW) with some CW/Tags for angst, hurt/comfort, scars, wounds, mention of character trauma, but I promise it is mostly on the fluffy comforting side~

----- -----

Day 3 - Body Worship

It had been far too long since Tav had found an opportunity to bathe properly. Not just scrubbing off with a damp cloth, or dunking into a freezing lake, a proper warm bath. Of course, taking advantage of having access to a brothel’s finer rooms whilst investigating a disappearance was something she took very seriously. She had to be completely certain she wouldn’t miss a vital clue amongst the perfumed soaps and soft towels. Who knew when the last piece of information they needed might be at the bottom of a wine bottle, or lurking in the bowl of fresh fruit…

“Well, that is certainly better than a murky pond.” Astarion echoed her thoughts as he sank into the water beside her. “Gods that feels good.” 

“We should take up the role of investigators more often.” Tav chuckled, reaching for the silver bowl that held a fresh sponge and some soaps. “Here, let me, for once.” 

“You don’t need to-”

“I want to.” She left little room for further complaint, taking his hand in her own and delicately sponging away the dirt that seemed to cling to his nails.

“I am not about to break, you know.” He watched her with an eyebrow raised as she continued to be far more gentle than he felt he deserved. 

“I know.” If anything, Tav slowed slightly, taking a moment to caress his fingers reverently. “But the world has been rough enough with you lately. Is there anything wrong with a little tenderness instead?” 

“Yes- No. Maybe.” He wasn’t even sure what he was trying to say as she brought his hand to her lips and kissed each fingertip in turn. “You…Well…” He sighed, giving in to her care instead for now.

“Relax, Astarion, please.” She trailed a line of kisses up his forearm to his elbow, her fingers gently brushing the faint lines of decades old scars and far fresher bruises marking his pale form. “You know, you really are beautiful.” 

“I know.” He replied, out of reflex. “Sorry, old habits… I suppose truly I have no idea if I am or not, other than the parts of myself I can see clearly. Even the water doesn’t hold my reflection any more.”

“Then let me be your mirror.” She smiled, brushing a stray lock of hair that threatened to fall forwards into his eye. “Now, where was I?” 

Tav began to wash his other hand and arm, with the same reverence she had used before, but this time giving voice to the thoughts that floated through her mind as she did. 

“Here, your fingers. I could comment on how skilled they are, how you can make me feel, but what I admire most is how they always find a solution. You’ve picked locks, disarmed traps-”

“You can do that just as well as I, my love.” He protested, though just as quickly his arguments met their rebuttal.

“Maybe, but you were the one who unlocked my heart.” Tav laughed at the absurdity of her own statement. “It’s cheesier than an entire dairy, I know, but it’s true. I spent my whole life just going from one fling to the next, living each day like it might be my last. Living like that…well you just don’t think of a future. Or who you might spend it with. It was better to just enjoy what I could when I could. Besides, attachments could be exploited.”

“And you see a future now? With tadpoles in our brains, and the threat of an actual mindflayer Elder Brain looming quite literally over our heads?” Despite his words, his expression was soft in the low light of the room.

“I see one worth fighting for.” She leaned forwards and stole a kiss, but only for a moment, pulling back to leave him wanting more.

“Such a tease, my love.” 

“I learned from the best~” She put on the hint of a flirtatious tone to match his voice. “Anyway… Here. This part next.”

“A scar, darling? Really?” He almost pulled his arm back, like her touch burned the mark deeper into his skin.

“This was not long after we met. I remember worrying that you might lose too much blood if the wound were just a fraction to the left.” Tav dipped the sponge in the warm bathwater again and carefully cleaned the area, rinsing off the soap when she was done. “But that’s not what I think most when I look at it, or any of the other marks that battle has left upon you.”

“Enlighten me, what is it that you see in such a blemish?” Astarion frowned, struggling to see what she meant.

“Endurance. A fight that didn’t end you. A strength that goes beyond what you can lift in your arms.” She sat back a moment, the myriad of scars across her own body clearer to see as she gestured to them. “Something we share, our will to live, and to be more than the world tried to make of us.” 

“Well…I suppose…” He sighed, looking closer at Tav’s form now. Subtle muscles and soft curves, the map of old wounds telling as many stories as his own, and not one of them diminished her beauty in his eyes. “There is some charm to them, maybe.”

She continued to cleanse the sweat and marks of the long days from his body with tender care, her praise like a balm to the bruises on his soul. She almost paused when it was time to move around to his back. “Is it alright if I…?”

“There is nobody I trust more to resist the urge to put a dagger between my ribs.” He mimicked the motion playfully with empty hands as he spoke. “Oh no need to be so serious, my darling, the point is that I trust you. Completely.” 

The vampire shifted, turning his back to her. The view was always a painful one - he was free, but the marks remained, the knowledge of the pain in their making broke her heart if she let those thoughts back in. “Even this,” she began carefully, “has never once diminished your worth.”

Tension rose in his shoulders, even as she tried to massage it away. “A poem of subjugation is all that is, a beautiful lie that promised power.”

“And yet you are more powerful than ever, you didn’t let the lie consume you. How about this instead.” She put the sponge aside, and began carefully tracing her own pattern across his back as if overwriting the scars his past had left. “I’ll write my own verse for you, let it erase the old one.”

“What is it exactly that you’re writing?” A hint of worry tinted the curiosity in his voice as it dropped a little quieter than it had been before. 

She leaned forward and whispered close in his ear. “My wedding vows.”

[edenfenixblogs]

A Note to Jumblr and my Jewish Followers:

Hey y’all! I see some of you tagging reblogs of my posts responding to antisemitic messages I receive with the tags Jewish Blocklist and Antisemitic/Antisemite Blocklist.

First of all, no shame there! Please feel free to keep doing this and whatever else you need to do to protect your own mental health as well as to your provide tips to our peers and allies about people worth steering clear of!

Second, I do not and will not have a Jewish Blocklist or an Antisemitic/Antisemite Blocklist. I hate blocking people I disagree with. I do try to live by the axiom: “We make peace with enemies, not friends.” And I do think that a lot (not all) of these people will, with the benefit of hindsight, be horrified at how they behaved during this time. Or at least ashamed of expressing such thoughts publicly. Some may be living with legitimate mental conditions like psychosis and mania that can absolutely lead to rigid and conspiracy-based thinking. None of this excuses violence or bigotry or antisemitism. And none of this invalidates your absolute right to block whoever you wish for any reason.

Which brings me to my third point: I don’t want to block people, because I want to track how they behave in the future. That could be four months from now. Six months. A year. Two years. Right now, the fighting between Israel and Palestine is active and brutal. Many antisemites are just using this flair up to justify their pre-existing antisemitic views. I doubt much will change for them. But many people had little to no awareness of the I/P conflict before the 10/7 attack and have been swept up in QAnon-like conspiracy theories. I don’t really expect them to address their hatred or how they allowed themselves to become radicalized extremists while the Hamas propaganda machine is still able to twist every development from the ongoing struggle to grow their support. But active warfare is unlikely to last an extremely long time. Tensions and hatred? Sure. That’s here to stay for a while, but official warfare and bombings from Israel are not likely to continue for years on end without stopping. (Hamas has been continuously bombing Israel for a long time and I expect them to continue even after a peace agreement is reached)

So when Israel’s assault ends, I’m sure the peace agreement reached will fall short of what Palestinians are hoping for and what I as a pro-Palestinian activist am hoping for. And I’m sure Palestinian civilians who endorse Hamas and those who do not endorse terrorism of any kind as well as Israelis and Jews who support Palestinian self determination will all be generally unhappy with whatever temporary solution is reached this time. No true, real progress will occur until everyone fighting over which “side” is “right” shifts their focus to instead cooperatively fight for peace for all.

But after the initial wave of anger and disappointment in the terms of the peace treaty are reached, people will go back to not caring at all about the lives of Israelis or Palestinians or Jews or even thinking about it at all on a regular basis.

And when that occurs, I want to revisit these blogs. When the tension is no longer at a constant rolling boil, I want to see how the worst antisemites I’ve encountered reconcile their behavior during this time with their behavior during peacetime. I want to see how the people who told me to kill myself or told me they wished for me and everyone I love to die in the “most painful way possible” feel about Jews when they aren’t hiding behind the idea of activism. I want to see how these people actually support Palestine when Gaza is no longer being bombed. I want to see how the antisemites relationships with the Jewish friends they claim to have recover or do not recover after the things these antisemites have said and done during a time of extreme danger and aggression toward Jews. I want to ask them if they still mean the things they said. I want to ask them if they have regrets. And most importantly I want to ask them how they plan to avoid causing harm to Jewish people and how they plan to learn about Jewish history and culture so that they can avoid antisemitism in the future when the poorly negotiated and doomed-to-fail peace agreement falls through next time. And I cannot do that if I block them.

So instead, if you want to block the people who have been most heinous to me, you will find them under the tag Antisemites To Remember.

I have had to block a few people from those tags when their continued hatred became too intense and continued even after I disengaged, but I have truly aimed to avoid blocking as many people as possible.

Hope this helps. Sending love and solidarity to you all.

[stardustprompts]

she who became the sun ( the radiant emperor #1 )  -   shelly parker-chan change tenses/pronouns as needed !!  some lines have been edited for clarity / length / ease of roleplaying  tw ;  death , war ,  violence , sexism

‘they say there’s luck in names, and you’ve certainly had luck enough.’

'in my experience, lucky people tend to be the laziest.’

‘where’s the fun in suffering by yourself?’

‘you think you’re that good-looking everyone wants to see you?’

‘desire is the cause of all suffering.’

‘I don’t appreciate being made a puppet for another man’s dirty work.’

‘when I ask myself if future pain is worth it for this life I have now, I always find that it is.’

‘I always knew you had a strong will. but what’s unusual about you is that most strong willed people never understand that will alone isn’t enough to guarantee their survival.’

‘more so than will, survival depends upon an understanding of people and power.’

‘it isn’t strength, but knowledge, that will be our best tool for surviving these difficult times ahead.’

'undoubtedly, chaos brings danger. but there will be opportunities, too.’

‘it’s due to chaos that we’re living through a moment in which even ordinary men can aspire to greatness.’

‘are you going to stab me?’

‘you can’t pray away your fate.’

‘I was merciful. I let you live.’

‘you cause me trouble as well as shame.’

‘you disappoint me.’

‘any power with such comprehensive reach should be understood.’

‘any power with such comprehensive reach should be understood. perhaps especially if they’re on our side.’

‘in my father’s eyes, I’ll always be the failure.’

‘(name) is an easy person to love. the world loves him, and he loves the world, because everything in it has always gone right for him.’

‘you and (name) are two unlike things. don’t fool yourself that he can ever understand you.’

‘I know what it’s like to be humiliated.’

‘any kind of fool can stumble into success once or twice.’

‘you two are such a bad match. can’t you have a single conversation without fighting?’

‘can’t you have a single conversation without fighting?’

‘clever people know when to give in.’

‘if you join his side, you’ll regret it.’

‘how little lives are worth in this war. theirs and ours, both.’

‘you have a lot of feelings in you.’

‘to win a hundred victories, a hundred battles is not the pinnacle of skill. to subdue the enemy without fighting is the pinnacle of skill.’

‘what someone is means nothing about what kind of person they are. truth is in actions.’

‘I didn’t mean to kill. at first.’

‘I wanted to live, so I took a life.’

‘all that means is we have to make this life count.’

‘who did you become, when we were apart?’

‘I might not know you, but I know what you want.’

‘you’ve opened my eyes. there are so many more options than I thought.’

‘you saw something in me that I didn’t know myself.’

‘what kind of man bothers to see potential in a woman, and encourages her despite her own doubts?’

‘rest assured that the only reason I helped you is because it gets me closer to what I want.’

‘you know what’s worse than suffering? not suffering, because you’re not even alive to feel it.’

‘learn to want something for yourself. not what someone says you should want. not what you think you should want.’

‘don’t go through life thinking only of duty. when all we have are these brief spans between our nonexistences, why not make the most of the life you’re living now?’

‘why not make the most of the life you’re living now? the price is worth it.’

‘maybe your suffering is worth whatever it is you want to achieve. but mine wouldn’t be.’

‘that’s all past history. I never think of it.’

‘do you believe that? that one day we’ll be out of a job, because of peace?’

‘have the courage to take power for yourself! do you think it will come to you if you wait?’

‘do you actually believe the idiocy that comes out of your mouth?’

‘you never accepted me for who I am; you never even saw everything I did for you, all because I’m not like (name)!’

‘you always push everyone away. what do you find in it, the loneliness? I couldn’t bear it.’

‘you trust too much. I admire you for it. that you prefer to drawn people closer, rather than push them away. but it’ll get you hurt.’

‘the worst injury you can do to a man is shame him. he can never forget it.’

‘it must have been painful, learning that true wisdom lies in obedience.’

‘are you always thinking do little of me that my defeats seem inevitable?’

‘i’d have thought you’d be the last to cry about (name’s) fate. why can’t we just stand back and let it happen?’

‘so you’re going to save (name) from himself?’

‘and here I thought I was the only one who got manipulated by pretty girls.’

‘why are you lowering yourself by dirtying your hands like this? let someone else take care of this trash.’

‘you were only ever a pretender. you only sat on a pretend throne.’

‘why do we have to play these awful games? what for?’

‘what does anyone want but to be on top, untouchable?’

‘who do you think I am, to think I can make anything happen in my own life? i’m a woman.’

‘I know you don’t want that life. a different one isn’t impossible.’

‘you have something I don’t; you feel for others, even the ones you don’t like.’

‘you want me to believe you’re different. that you can give me something different. but how can I trust that? I can’t.’

‘are you fool enough to believe the future will match your dream of it, with no consideration of the reality of the situation?’

‘I don’t admit anything! I don’t need to! you’ve already made up your mind!’

‘you can’t reason with fools who refuse to see reason.’

‘he was right about you. you’re worthless. worse than that; a curse.’

‘there are people who say that grief will hurt as much as it’s worth.’

‘there are people who say that grief will hurt as much as it’s worth. and there is nothing worth more than a father.’

‘(name) would never put himself on the line for me, or anyone else. but you, you’d do anything for me, wouldn’t you?’

‘i’ve wanted and struggled and suffered for that fate my whole life. I’m not going to stop now.’

‘you are trouble. I’ve never met anyone more trouble than you,’

‘are you so certain of the possibility of change? it seems to me the outcome is inevitable.’

‘what I want has nothing to do with who wins.’

‘every time the world turns its face from you, know it was because of me.’

‘stop blaming yourself and let yourself want it.’

‘stop blaming yourself and let yourself want it. i’ll give it to you.’

‘I have everything I need. whereas you, — you still need me.’

‘nobody expected anything of me. nobody ever cherished me.’

‘I cherish you.’

‘you think you understand me. but don’t forget it goes both ways. like knows like; like is connected to like. I understand you, too.’

‘pure emotions are the luxury of children and animals.’

‘more fool I am, to hope against hope for a change in his nature, that he might actually try to be useful.’

‘I presume you’re not here to kill me.’

‘you think you have power over me because you know a secret. but you don’t.’

‘how can something like that stop me, destroy me, when nothing else has?’

‘look at me and see the person who will win. the person who will rule.’

‘I presume you realize how much I dislike you. wasn’t the last where I said I wanted to kill you clear enough?’

‘you betray you ignorance in less than a sentence.’

‘how willing you were to think the worst of me. why aren’t you happier? i’m just being who you’ve always though I was. i’m giving you the ending you believed in.’

‘the times and means of our deaths have always been fixed, and this is yours.’

‘even the most shining future, if desired, will have suffering at its heart.’

‘i’ll follow you, as far as you want to go.’

‘I wasn’t born with the promise of greatness either. but I have it now. because I wanted it. because I’m strong, because I’ve struggled and suffered to become the person I need to me, and because I do want needs to be done.’

‘you said you’d be different. you lied to me.’

‘when you did this, did you even stop to think about how it might make me feel to bear witness for what you think is justified?’

‘I want what I want, and sometimes I’m going to have to do certain things to get it.’

‘you have two choices. you can rise with me, which I’d prefer. or if you don’t want what I want— you can leave.’