you're grabbing lunch with a nice man and he gives you that strange grimace-smile that's popular right now; an almost sardonic "twist" of his mouth while he looks literally down on you. it looks like he practiced the move as he leans back, arms folded. he just finished reciting the details of NFTs to you and explaining Oppenheimer even though he only watched a youtube about it and hasn't actually seen it. you are at the bottom of your wine glass.
you ask the man across from you if he has siblings, desperately looking for a topic. literally anything else.
he says i don't like small talk. and then he smiles again, watching you.
a few years ago, you probably would have said you're above celebrity gossip, but honestly, you've been kind of enjoying the dumb shit of it these days. with the rest of the earth burning, there's something familiar and banal about dragging ariana grande through the mud. you think about jeanette mccurdy, who has often times gently warned the world she's not as nice as she appears. you liked i'm glad my mom died but it made you cry a lot.
he doesn't like small talk, figure out something to say.
you want to talk about responsibility, and how ariana grande is only like 6 days older than you are - which means she just turned 30 and still dresses and acts like a 13 year old, but like sexy. there's something in there about the whole thing - about insecurity, and never growing up, and being sexualized from a young age.
people have been saying that gay people are groomers. like, that's something that's come back into the public. you have even said yourself that it's just ... easier to date men sometimes. you would identify as whatever the opposite of "heteroflexible" is, but here you are again, across from a man. you like every woman, and 3 people on tv. and not this guy. but you're trying. your mother is worried about you. she thinks it's not okay you're single. and honestly this guy was better before you met, back when you were just texting.
wait, shit. are you doing the same thing as ariana grande? are you looking for male validation in order to appease some internalized promise of heteronormativity? do you conform to the idea that your happiness must result in heterosexuality? do you believe that you can resolve your internal loneliness by being accepted into the patriarchy? is there a reason dating men is easier? why are you so scared of fucking it up with women? why don't you reach out to more of them? you have a good sense of humor and a big ol' brain, you could have done a better job at online dating.
also. jesus christ. why can't you just get a drink with somebody without your internal feminism meter pinging. although - in your favor (and judgement aside) in the case of your ariana grande deposition: you have been in enough therapy you probably wouldn't date anyone who had just broken up with their wife of many years (and who has a young child). you'd be like - maybe take some personal time before you begin this journey. like, grande has been on broadway, you'd think she would have heard of the plot of hamlet.
he leans forward and taps two fingers to the table. "i'm not, like an andrew tate guy," he's saying, "but i do think partnership is about two people knowing their place. i like order."
you knew it was going to be hard. being non-straight in any particular way is like, always hard. these days you kind of like answering the question what's your sexuality? with a shrug and a smile - it's fine - is your most common response. like they asked you how your life is going and not to reveal your identity. you like not being straight. you like kissing girls. some days you know you're into men, and sometimes you're sitting across from a man, and you're thinking about the power of compulsory heterosexuality. are you into men, or are you just into the safety that comes from being seen with them? after all, everyone knows you're failing in life unless you have a husband. it almost feels like a gradebook - people see "straight married" as being "all A's", and anything else even vaguely noncompliant as being ... like you dropped out of the school system. you cannot just ignore years of that kind of conditioning, of course you like attention from men.
"so let's talk boundaries." he orders more wine for you, gesturing with one hand like he's rousing an orchestra. sir, this is a fucking chain restaurant. "I am not gonna date someone who still has male friends. also, i don't care about your little friends, i care about me. whatever stupid girls night things - those are lower priority. if i want you there, you're there."
he wasn't like this over text, right? you wouldn't have been even in the building if he was like this. you squint at him. in another version of yourself, you'd be running. you'd just get up and go. that's what happens on the internet - people get annoyed, and they just leave. you are locked in place, almost frozen. you need to go to the bathroom and text someone to call you so you have an excuse, like it's rude to just-leave. like he already kind of owns you. rudeness implies a power paradigm, though. see, even your social anxiety allows the patriarchy to get to you.
you take a sip of the new glass of wine. maybe this will be a funny story. maybe you can write about it on your blog. maybe you can meet ariana grande and ask her if she just maybe needs to take some time to sit and think about her happiness and how she measures her own success.
is this settling down? is this all that's left in your dating pool? just accepting that someone will eventually love you, and you have to stop being picky about who "makes" you a wife?
you look down to your hand, clutching the knife.
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pearl’s character development & her relationship with rose
character development for a complex character is complicated & often nonlinear. pearl has incredible character development, but a lot of her issues are overlooked or misunderstood. as her relationship with rose gets misunderstood, her growth tends to get oversimplified by claims that it’s about “getting over her,” etc. i think that’s not the case & it’s much deeper than that.
early character development
pearl’s character development is seen as early as the now we’re only falling apart flashbacks. she doesn’t see her own growth, & neither does greg who’s the flashback storyteller of the 90s, as they had just met.
but you know who notices pearl’s growth the most? rose. who’s known her the longest, who absolutely loves growth.
“pearl is happy/vacant, will do whatever is asking... no opinion of her own that isn't basic logic. pearl fiercely opinionated by end. bold, ridiculous, shameless, frivolous.” — end of an era
the first time they visit earth, rose says things like, “i couldn’t have done this without you.” she frowns when pearl says, “i could imagine it, if you would like me to.” in contrast, during the rebellion, pearl says she’s imagining things on her own, including a life with rose. she confesses romantic feelings & attempts fusion, which is unheard of & considered “disgusting” on homeworld. rose reacts by saying, “please don’t ever stop!” with a flushed face. pearl + rose are drawn to each other’s happiest & most genuine selves from the start. they encourage one another to embrace who they truly are.
it takes emotional and physical strength, but pearl defies homeworld’s rules & norms. before the war, rose gives her a choice: fight with her or be safe. pearl chooses to rebel with her, protesting that she wants to fight—all while homeworld claims that pearls are not “made” or “built” for fighting. there’s also the argument in sworn to the sword. she stands her ground, when all her life, she couldn’t even have her own opinions—let alone argue.
rose refers to pearl as my pearl, a term used for superiors on homeworld. she looks to her for strength & comfort, clearly admiring her. meanwhile, pearl’s feelings are very protective. on homeworld, she could never have the mindset that she could keep someone safe, especially a gem who’s considered superior. pearls were made to feel weaker, after all.
as time goes on, both pearl & their relationship continue to grow, and that’s evident even in rose’s final years during a more difficult time.
how rose felt about herself
“when a gem is made, it's for a reason. they burst out of the ground already knowing what they're supposed to be, and then... that's what they are. forever.” — rose, greg the babysitter
“self-destruction is a huge theme throughout the show. the struggle of feeling that you shouldn't exist, and what that can do to a person. a lot of the themes of the show exist within rose.” — end of an era
of course rose sees pearl’s growth. she admires it. on a flip side, rose herself feels that she is incapable of growth. in greg the babysitter, rose shows signs of being very deep in thought, with eyes that are noticeably more sad. she says gems can’t grow, but she sees growth in everyone, including the gem she loves so deeply. in this scene, she’s truthfully being self destructive, expressing her belief that she can’t grow. there are many reasons for this, some being that white gave her a colony “only to prove she would fail,” believing pink could never change. with rose’s unbearable guilt & war trauma, she questions whether white diamond is right. as she says this, she hides her pain by generalizing about gems.
rose says this while she’s in front of the ocean, something that pearl is so closely associated with. she admires growth and she sees it happen right in front of her, but she doesn’t think she’s capable of it. this is one of the main reasons why she thinks others are better than her.
so, rose’s pain makes her hide, become withdrawn. she thinks the people she loves are better off without her, as they will live on and continue to grow. she believes she’s stuck because she can’t grow. in reality, she can. she has; managing her destructive powers & becoming a healer, helping many gems who were harmed by homeworld. her mindset really is because of her abusers, & a lot of the things she’s guilty about traces back to their actions. and she has hurt others, but she dwells on it & forgets about positive things she’s done because of her mindset that “she only makes things worse & that’s what she does.”
she’s stuck because she can’t forgive herself & she hasn’t healed from a lot of things. sugar says that how she feels about herself causes pain for those around her. in rose’s final years, pearl can’t quite see or understand just how much rose loves her and all the reasons why. she can’t wrap her head around it, she can’t imagine the possibility that rose thinks she can’t grow the way she has. pearl sees her trying to change & she’s loved everything about her since the beginning. it’s fascinating how similar their feelings are; having so much adoration for each other yet self esteem issues complicate things.
how pearl felt about herself
homeworld’s society devalued pearls, treating them as replaceable servants. this has led to self-worth issues & issues understanding that she is loved for who she is, not just for what she can do. pearl rarely reflects on her trauma because she prioritizes the needs of others. her love for rose, who was often in danger—from being abused to having her identity discovered if she poofs—exacerbated pearl’s tendency to be overly cautious, protective. after all, she is driven by the constant fight-or-flight response they both experienced in their early years & other times they feared they’d be “in trouble” for being themselves. along with anxiety, she is intelligent & likes being in control, leading to perfectionism.
even when pearl makes significant progress, becoming her own person, becoming bold instead of docile, becoming opinionated & standing her ground, forming meaningful relationships, fighting against the environment that traumatized her, finding things she’s passionate about, & defying homeworld’s rules & ideas of pearls, other issues take more time. her perfectionism, ongoing trauma, and focus on others make it hard for her to see her progress.
the setback
pearl’s self-worth & self esteem issues worsen following rose’s death. she feels lost without rose. they’ve never been apart & neither of them ever wanted to be apart. who am i now in this world without her?
“everything i ever did, i did for her. and now she’s gone! but i’m still here.” —pearl, rose’s scabbard
now, more than ever, she can’t see her strength. she had worked so hard to keep rose safe so that this absolute nightmare wouldn’t happen. her whole life was about protecting rose from death. the loss is following a situation throughout the late 90s that involved confusion & a lack of communication. she also can’t understand why rose chose to leave a life that she dreamed of having with pearl, so she questions rose’s love for her. lastly, she’s so clouded by the pain of her grief that everything feels dark and confusing.
losing rose (not loving rose) brings about lots of setbacks in pearl’s growth. it’s painful, traumatic.
present character development
there’s significant growth when pearl slowly opens up about everything. the people around her begin to really understand pearl, her trauma, & the relationship she had with rose. she opens up to people who aren’t as close to her and therefore cannot be biased; she opens up to people who knew her + rose very well.
while pearl reminds us of the importance of letting people in & opening up about everything, it’s important to note that a lot of her growth is done without help from anyone else. so, when she can see her growth, she can understand just how strong & independent she is. another significant change happens when she returns to homeworld. from the perspective of the person she wasn’t allowed to be, after living in a safer environment for thousands of years, she sees how horrific homeworld is. she realizes just how strong she is; having so much trauma, becoming someone, & building a life that’s so different after leaving.
loving (and missing) rose
pearl: sometimes, i wonder if she can see me through your eyes. what would she think of me now?
steven: well, i think you’re pretty great.
the title of the song after steven says this is i’m still here. rose has passed, but there’s little pieces of her that are still here. eventually, pearl does see herself through rose’s eyes.
in sworn to the sword, connie + steven help pearl realize that the biggest argument between her + rose actually demonstrated how much rose loved her. she sees rose’s side, and then in mr. greg, pearl revisits the end of her relationship with rose, and she finds closure. in now we’re only falling apart, she revisits the beginning of her relationship with rose. this is extra significant because two of her closest loved ones (one who has a personality that is very similar to rose’s & one who lived with her and rose) help her see everything more clearly. she sometimes focused so much on the relief of rose being safe that she overlooked the incredible things she did.
but when pearl becomes more confident, she recognizes her own strength, courage, & importance. when she opens up & processes things, she is given an outside perspective, helping pearl see her value & worth to both rose and the world. she understands how much rose loved her & what she meant to her—she sees herself through rose’s eyes! & through rose’s eyes, she sees it a second time: her strength, her courage, her importance.
it was possible for rose to see herself through pearl’s eyes, too. that part of the story is incredibly tragic. while their trauma is not (all) the same, both pearl + rose demonstrate the importance of opening up & as connie said, “being honest about how bad it feels so that you can move on.” they both dealt with self worth, & self esteem issues, personal wounds.
on the bright side, pearl is beginning to understand that rose loved her just as much as she loves rose. now, she can see her own worth & strength, things rose saw all along. she can finally understand how rose was feeling—rose’s life was difficult, but she felt so, so loved by someone she deeply admired and appreciated. if only she could understand that she deserved that love.
pearl’s growth isn’t about “getting over” rose. she’ll always love her, but loving rose doesn’t “stunt” her growth. it’s so much more complicated than that. her growth starts long before steven’s time & rose sees it, even though it takes time for pearl to recognize it as well.
pearl was always strong, but she grows significantly when she realizes it.
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