#i am at least consistent lol
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i need a little notes section to be added to all block list functions in social media bc my goldfish memory having ass don't always remember why i blocked someone
see i looove blocking ppl and curating my online experience with wild abandon, but that means it can be anything from 'this person is a fucking terf' to 'this person is harmless but has annoying opinions about fictional characters i like' to 'this person once said mango was disgusting and i took it personally'
so now tumblr or whatever is telling me i have a mf blocked and i gotta sit there and wonder if they're a bigot or just have bad opinions on cheesecake
#like are they a rabid bigot? do they think liking x fictional character means ur evil? do they spout 'no kink at pride' bullshit?#do they think thoughtcrimes are real? do they have the habit of woobifying ur favorite character?#were they a little too excited about the death of some random anime character and it put u off?#did they reblog one of those 'have you heard this song' polls and have utter dogshit opinions on your favorite song?#are they kind of a dick with a bully type sense of humor that rubs u the wrong way? do they just rly fuckin hate cheesecake for some reason#all these and more are reasons i can remember off the top of my head for blocking someone lol#i rarely remember why i blocked someone but i often remember the feeling of 😒 that inspired it lol#so i can usually trust past me even if i don't remember why i blocked someone#tho if i take the time to rifle through an acc i blocked the reason why usually eventually becomes evident#i am at least consistent lol#sketchy speaks
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can we please stop using 60th stuff getting good view counts/a lot of hype as 'proof' of 13s era being bad somehow. like yeah nostalgia bait is gonna... bait people with nostalgia and therefore be popular. does not mean doctor who is 'back' or whatever because it literally did not go anywhere lol
#yeah everyone's excited and thats great!!! i am not hiding that i am also excited!!!#but people acting like 13's run was some kind of blip is driving me crazy insane#idk. can we not insist everything was terrible between the last time this particular white dude ran the show 15 years ago and now#not sure what to tag this with so the 'bUt ThE RaTinGS' crew dont find this lol#maybe i just wont.#doctor who#for blog consistency at least
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louis 9 weeks old vs 12 weeks old with the ball tower
#please dont judge me for making them a tiktok account. for one i dont care what u think ill just block u but also in transparency#i am Not a tiktok person and idk how to follow their trends or do whatever im here to edit and share cute videos about my kitties#dont expect quality content if you follow them lol#or consistent updates#somebody told me you have to post at least a video a day but fuck all that#thats daunting af#though i do already have hundreds of viedeos of them#sonboys allowed#fig#lou
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Holding out hope that the writing in veilguard will get more bearable but rook saying to lucanis that it's "not nice that Spite hurt him" and he "shouldn't accept that it’s fine bc it wouldn't be ok if a person did that" like. That is a demon. Built off a single emotion called SPITE. Rook I am finding it really hard to believe that u have lived in thedas for more than 30 seconds.
#wow the demons which are one of the consistently evil forces in these games did something bad#hey players do you know that that was not nice#ok thank you. do u think I am 4#dav spoilers#veilguard spoilers#dragon age the veilguard#also grinding my gears that everyone (including dalish elves???) just immediately accept the evanuris are evil/have come back#like the first person to not immediately believe it is the first warden and honestly he is the only character so far I respect#like maybe if this was like inquisition and a huge hole in the sky/rifts opened everywhere#but it seems like nothing like that happened but everyone somehow magically knows about the ritual and instantly believes everything rook sa#the more I think about these things the more annoyed I get#guys did you know being a leader means u sometimes need to make hard decisions... varric taught me that in my ma15+ game#i am enjoying the combat at least lol and I like Bellara and want to see Babylon so I'm in it for the long haul#why does everyone have a gun to their head making them nice though like it's so painfully out of place sometimes#and being able to only say the same thing but in a slightly boring slightly funny or slightly serious way is driving me insane#like I seem to be the only one who had no problem w the limits on dialogue in inquisition but this is driving me insane#Mourn watch rook what if you were somehow boring and nice. yay thank you bioware#ALSO rook stop talking and forming opinions without me getting to choose what u say like no I don't want u to day we have to save that perso#ok I swear I'm done now.. I need to go back to writing my thesis instead of grinding my teeth about this game#this is all coming from an inquisition enjoyer as well (sorry) but like so far I have found nothing I enjoyed about inquisition in this game#maybe if the inquisitor and Ghilan'nain are cool latee on I can focus on that (big maybe)#I am only early on still (just met first warden) so there is still time... i guess..
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nothing makes me feel like a golden god quite like a new recipe turning out delicious on the first try. unfortunately, conversely nothing makes me feel more 'I am god's mistake' than spending all that time and effort on something and having to make a sandwhich b/c the results were inedible if you want to retain your capacity for delight. the duality of home chef
#it's only been a couple of times in the last like six years I've made something truly unpalatable#(and at least two of them were not on me I think the recipes were misguided from the start in hindsight)#but man it's such a downer every time haha it makes me feel like the ultimate failure. I shame everyone who's ever held a spatula. woe#but NOT TODAY! that shit rocked I did good#I have been slowly leveling up my preparing beans from dry game and I think I'm finally reaching a place of consistently ok results!#(that was never something we did at home when I was growing up and not something my mum does either so I had to start from scratch#it's really a big help to come from a home where we do a lot of communal cooking tho! having some basics down is good)#I am also realizing that if I ever get a partner they are um. unlikely to be quite as contented as me with eating pretty much the same stuf#a good two thirds are just variations on stir fry. for years at a time lol. so expanding my reportoir of recipes could be a wise investment#also I don't care for most meat so also finding good vegetarian/vegan recipes (b/c there are tricks to making it amazing!)
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You’re gonna die if you keep that up (Patreon)
#Doodles#SCII#Damned#ZEX#Kayako#And Teisel's there technically#*Die again - he's sticking with his track record lol at least he's consistent#Ghost/Curse GF arc!! I enjoy seeing ZEX happy but I am Concerned for him lol#ZEX be attracted to something/one that won't brutally murder him challenge - difficulty impossible#His affection for the grotesque and monstrous - I mean while it's admirable he does regularly put himself in dangerous situations!#Runs solely on the Suspension Bridge Effect lol - attraction and fear so conflated in his mind <3#I keep thinking of his human instincts as specifically Max's instincts since it's his body - Max's self-preservation and fear and hunger#Which ZEX dutifully ignores lol Max's body tells him to bolt and privately replies like ''Yes yes in a moment'' haha#His fascination wins out! To his own detriment haha#Although I say all that as though I don't relate in my own way - I have maybe just a few too many notes relating to ZEX lol#It's always been hard for me to get into horror in the way it's intended to spook and scare because I tend to get sad :')#So many monsters and ghosts and creatures are victims of circumstance! Like Kayako! As she is here she's not even malicious just dangerous#I've never seen the Grudge so it's only speculation but it seems very sad that she was tethered as a Curse rather than a malignant spirit#Like a battery moreso than an individual - what a terrible after-existence! It makes me sad to consider!#ZEX reaching out to her in his own way is very sweet <3 He's so biased towards his darlings hehe#In a way being human does suit him - we'll packbond with anything that Might have even the slightest inclination to not maim us lol#And the way he personifies her! (VUXonifies her?) Reading intention or emotion into her actions with no proof and no understanding!#The way he ''tries to read her face'' as if he hasn't been struggling with that this entire time - with other humans who can tell him so ♪#His pride is so delicious <3 He is so easily blinded to his own shortcomings in the face of pleasure and the potential for connection!#It's no wonder DAX worries about him so much hehe ♥#It also always makes me so happy to have something fit together so perfectly like those last two hehe <3#That vine didn't exist when this happened! But there it is!! I love newer memes on older media hehehe ♪♫
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Mel for the unhinged character bingo!
yessss YEEEESSSSSSSSS
#ask me#so Mel is in the unenviable position of being a very strong character whose rights I support and whose wrongs I also fully support#BUT the way she's treated broadly in the fandom is so pervasive and so consistent and so frustrating to me that#I am in full -must protect my blorbo- mode with her at all times#-Mel's story is over so the only thing left for her to do is die-#-if Mel dies then J can get together with V and they will appreciate her for her sacrifice bc she died a hero who rejected Ambessa-#enough! enough I say!#what about proving to ambessa that she can take the throne for herself? what about the angst of defying her mother and her home country#and opposing those in Piltover who DO want war and want to raze the undercity#what about the magic that she's heavily foreshadowed to have and how it's different from hextech#and how it directly opposes but also parallels what is happening to Viktor#what about her -friends- abroad and the plot Mel was cooking through all of season 1 that has not been revealed yet#there's so much potential for her to have to confront the fact that J was slowly becoming a monster through season 1#and that she can't ignore the undercity forever#also what if whoever Ambessa says killed her brother comes after Mel too!#it is very frustrating to see Mel get dismissed as dead or evil or irredeemable or whatever when she is consistently#the most interesting person in the room in every single scene she's in and the character who shows the most conviction and change#so yeah i will take a bullet for her she is my blorbo I will despise any character who hurts her#and I would cradle her in my arms if she gave me a chance - which she would never! - but a girl can dream#however I also enjoy leaning into the idea that Mel is perceived as being a devil from the outside - Mel leans into it too when it serves#but it's in direct opposition to her ironclad values and the personality that she keeps hidden a layer down#I genuinely think that Mel will have a happy ending - or at least as happy an ending that an Arcane character can get lol#like I fully believe she will take the throne (Piltover) in the end but I can only guess at this point what that will cost her#I love putting Mel in situations but mainly to play with both how creative she can get and also how fucking far she will go to win#which is ANOTHER thing we know is probably true about Mel but has not been put on display yet#also Mel has already done a great job at separating what she wants for herself as a person from just being Ambessa's daughter#but Mel still deserves to get plenty of great therapy for that situation because OH GOD THAT CHILDHOOD FLASHBACK#also Kino is dead? maybe dead?? at least Mel fully believes he's dead so she needs therapy and hugs for that too#I am super normal about her can you tell
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i just don’t understand. why say ur ready to talk if you aren’t?
can u believe this post is what got me to reach tag limit
#vaugepostimg on main about an irl don’t mind me#i just. am feeling sad bcus i have been trying to keep my distance and respect the space they said they needed. and then they reached out to#me for their book club and said we should chat and i got excited! i miss my friend of course i got excited#still let them take the lead. i want them to be comfortable. they said they’d lmk what day they were free#and then proceeded to ghost me for like. almost two weeks??#(it was 10 days but !!! still!!! almost 2 weeks from them suggesting i come to book club which would’ve inherently necessitated an irl talk#and then after all that yesterday said they actually weren’t ready which. hurted#tbf i knew something was up after like 2 days of them not replying so it’s not like i was fully caught off guard it just really hurt#and like i feel weird bcus our social circles are really overlapped and i spent a lot of time with them last winter and i had thought#that would happen again this winter. we would swim together a lot and i consistently went to their house dinners#bcus if i care about you i show up! and i’m understanding ! bcus i am patient and kind person and as a triple taurus i’m not tryna rush ever#especially when it comes to people’s emotions ??? especially if someone has told me i hurt them???? like ik im an autistic lesbian but#despite popular conceptions on that particular identity. im not fucking evil ????? if you ask for space i will give you space !!!!!#and like when it comes to emotions and conflict i’m blunt but i’m caring and it takes a lot for me to be disinfranchised by people#or relationships. so i’m not saying i don’t want to still be her friend#i’m just. noticing behaviors#they did tell me that they were very avoidant in conflict and i told them i’m very much not and like. now that i’m on the receiving end of i#idk what to do!! i’m not gonna chase her down like they’re grown!! and again!!! if you ask for space i’m going to respect that!!!#and like honestly. i’m happy she at least gave me the curtesy of saying they weren’t ready to talk even if it took her mad long to do it#so like. who tf knows when we’ll talk. if ever. probably when she wants the validation of our friendship if it even happens at all#bcus again. she reached out not to reconnect and clear the air but to check if i still wanted to come to her club she was starting#ik in earlier conversations she was worried no one would come but ig she found people. which like good for her tbh but to be honest i feel#discarded?? i’m feeling like i’m failing to not project too much so i gotta stop but idk man i’m just feeling weird about it all#and then i had the thought today of like. is this what i want in a friendship? someone who goes back and forth abt whether or not i’m worth#which again. kinda wasn’t expecting that bcus we spent so much time together last autumn/winter/spring like. many times per week!!!#so the idea of not being her friend all of a sudden?? feels fucjing weird to think about#but like? i don’t want to feel this way this is what i hate about west coast/white people conflict resolution!! there fucking isn’t any!!!#and i can’t deal with that! i can’t spend my life with people who aren’t going to engage with me as a person who cares about them#humans are fallible creatures and were only here on earth for so long so why are we wasting time here? what is the point of all this ???????#but then the guilt and shame say i deserve it all and at that point i just need to stop so. i’m gonna stop now lol
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I couldn't sleep but I have Shit To Do Today that I can't risk missing so I am mainlining caffeine. it's 10:30am and my chest is full of hummingbirds. This is maybe fine
#at least i have a doc appt today lol#I haven't been in. uh. a very long time#i am extremely healthcare avoidant#but I Need to quit smoking and for years I've failed on my own. so im gonna ask for help with that#plus. my blood pressure has been uh. consistently concerning lately#so i need to start monitoring that closely (and will be helped most by quitting smoking)#and it's my wife's doctor whom she loves#so unlikely to get the standard Just Diet About It and Come Back Next Year “advice”#:) ANYWAYS i am going to crash Hard at around 5pm#but i gotta make it until then and it's gonna be hard :c#i dont even remember what time i woke up yesterday so im just. freeballin it ig#rambles#personal
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today is the first time since i started playing that i think i might not be able to solve le mot wordle...i've got the first and last letter and i'm running through all the french phonotactic rules i know and i'm coming up with nothing. got two rows left but i don't even have any guesses. ô dictionnaire ne me déçois pas quand je suis dans le besoin...
#it resets at midnight france time which is like 4pm here i think. so at least i have some time#i was just thinking like two days ago 'wow i'm so good at french wordle. it's all that dictionary reading i'm doing'#you fool. you jinxed it#i do think french wordle is easier than english wordle assuming you are fluent in both. which i am not#but i DO have a really good sense of legal letter combos (because of the sheer volume of exposure i'm getting)#and so far that hasn't failed me. but today? idk guys. i guess that can only get you so far...#anyway the reason i think wordle is easier in english than french is 1) english has way more words. especially 5-letter ones#and 2) french spelling is actually incredibly consistent for the most part. whereas english...has a lot more options let's just say lol#but english wordle is easier for me personally than french wordle because english is my native language#[guy who didn't learn his lesson about not jinxing it voice] i've never lost wordle in english#french#games#to be clear i'm not looking up words in the dictionary to try to solve this wordle. i feel that would be cheating.#i'm just addressing my plea to the dictionary as i would to a god. you are supposed to always be with me you piece of shit#get back here and watch over me right now
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Purely hypothetical question BUT if I were to revive one of my (many) ask blogs…which one would you want to see…👀
Looking at these and sweating why do I have so many ask blogs. I may have a problem
#Shima speaks#Polls#Purely hypothetical of course. I am just curious 👀#Out of all of these I’ve been the most consistent with my Lancer blog I usually touch that one at least once a year lol#The others tho. Have been on hiatus for a WHILE#And my BMC blog is technically discontinued since I can’t see myself coming back to it?#But who knows#The others tho. I do want to come back to them someday…#Mom 3 and Mysme especially…I love my boys
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xanax is So Good
I am So Chill right now
#treated myself to one (1) xanax despite not having a panic attack#because i was exhausted and stressed and anxiety was spiking#(offline reasons nothing major just my brain being shitty handling minor issues)#and honestly BEST choice i am So relaxed it is Fantastic#honestly really gotta get a new psych so i can maybe get some meds i can take consistently long-term because i wanna be chill more often#unfortunately i keep getting ghosted by people i try to set up shit with lmao#so the depression and adhd are unmedicated but at least my GP gives me xanax once a year#(i take them so rarely a 30-day supply lasts me until they expire lol)#50 shades of personal
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i need a million dollars just so i can go to the movie theater more than once or twice a year, there's so much out this year i wanna see... on a big screen and not "i'll watch that later on my laptop" which i never do
#hearing good things about everything from challengers to furiosa to i saw the tv glow to love lies bleeding to monkey man#a couple of those are not in theaters anymore though and furiosa isn't out for a few days obv#saw a pre-release review that seemed positive though#nadia rambles#tickets are at least a little cheaper here than in seattle but like#i only make anywhere between $10 and $150 a month LOL (depends on how much training i am doing that month)#if i had a more consistent income i would seriously consider getting one of those movie theater memberships though#i fucking love.... controlled sensory overload.... which has a set duration#obv any other situation with 80 db sound blasting i would be like fuck this. but movies are a nice cathartic experience for me personally#unironically very glad i had the money to see madame web
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A few days ago I decided to draw all the 30+ characters of Street Cats and make small, few sentences describing them for the sake of reference and oooh myyy god I already regret it sobs
#tbh part of it was like#I will have to do it anyways eventually#having at least one full body drawing of everyone plus a basic character description for constant reference#i also knew this was going to be a big overtake#but man a few days and I am already tired lol#I divided them by groups so most likely I will make a full group and then take a little break before starting the next one#Also also these don't include one chapter characters#is only recurrent ones#BUT ALSO#by recurrent characters I mean like- characters that appear in at least 3 chapters#and their relevance varies WILDLY#some appear several times but are mostly as a stand in or just for reference#so really even in these 30+ characters some are very barely relevant lol I just need them to be consistent
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i need friends /gen (slight rant in tags)
#xelle.txt#i noticed i don't really have a permanent circle of friends. at least irl#i have one online but they're also busy and i just can't dedicate my time to one friend group#i don't know - it's just the people i thought who were nice turned out to be the exact opposite#and when i found out about that i just kinda. lost interest in making any more friends#my partner is the only person i interact with on a daily basis. the irl friend group i was referring to earlier i'm not exactly close with-#-them either#i feel like if i didn't only give my time in nurturing my romantic relationship i would have done the same for my platonics too#that's still a problem of mine. my time management between love life and friends. heck i even got myself into an unsolvable problem because-#-of my inability to stay consistent#also my brain is kinda fried from reading 20+ pages so pardon any grammatical errors but yeah anyway#honestly i've been craving for interaction here. but i know i won't be active and it'd just be pointless#to gain more friends or followers. i don't exactly make content as consistently as i did before#the other day i had to vent to an ai (would you believe me if it was cha.tgpt) about my troubles because i had no one else to talk to lol#there's just so much going on irl 😭 ya girl's almost starting college and they're throwing so much tasks at us!!#and i feel very very stressed about it because they're usually done in groups i am ALWAYS the assigned leader#which gets exhausting especially when there are lazy members present#anyway#hopefully this weekend i get some time to cool off. but next week i'm back to grinding and working#lol i don't even think i'm in the top ranks anymore. i'm so burnt out.#this is what being an academic achiever gives you oops ZZHSIAHAHAJAHHS#imma sleep now 😭#idk you can just interact with me or recommend someone you know who self ships in the same medias i do#goodnight everypony 🫶#vent tw#rant tw
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Wow. Sometimes I'm very lucky and my bipolar doesn't always affect me much. But no such luck lately. I'm worried that I might have to retake my modern lit course because I was so late with many of my assignments. I've been mentally messed up more or less with a mixed mood episode since last September. I'm currently on the line of passing and not passing the class (granted there are a few ungraded assignments, including my final so it's still possible that I'm overreacting). I'm usually a good student too so it's a point of pride for me. I went from the honor roll to this all due to me fighting with an illness... :/ (It is my fault for not managing things better so I'm not looking for pity here- just talking).
I cannot imagine how horrible this disorder is for people who didn't have the option of medication (I am medicated, believe it or not). I think about that about that a lot since I study history and look into many writer's and artist's biographies in my spare time. I feel very bad for them since they basically had to live with this disorder without the fixes I have simply because I was born late enough for treatments to exist.
Virginia Woolf and Sylvia Plath both haunt me. Other people too. Yes, Lord Byron was extremely shocking but consider- we don't actually know what he would have been like if he could have been treated. He wouldn't have died at 36, I'm almost certain of that. I am highly aware of what this disorder has done to people before me. It doesn't make it better. But I keep looking back any way, to see that many of them did incredible things, in spite of it all.
I just keep thinking that if they could do so much without any treatment- that I should be able to function with treatment??? I know: don't compare yourself to other people but I'm desperate to know that I can be successful even with this illness. That it's not going to force me to leave school (the one thing I have been historically good at) and waste my life toiling away for nothing.
So if it seems as if I have been hitting my head against something lately, you aren't wrong. The fall is not generally my friend, pretty as the leaves are. I have not been having a good time of it but we must go on any way because what other option is there? None, I tell you.
#leaves pretty brain shitty has been my fall for the last few years since 2018 at least...#consistently fall has been bad for my cycle though I like that time of year normally#granted a lot of things kept happening every fall since 2018 too#bipolar disorder#actually bipolar#I probably am a closet perfectionist in some cases#I am exhausted thanks for asking!#and yes for a few semesters I was an honor roll student in my grad school- not any more though LOL#seriously I'm going into debt for this degree and uh that promise to waive our debt never came to light so I'm very fucked rn#I have to finish this degree so I can work off my debt and build a good reputation for myself#I'm honestly afraid my illness might take away my ability to have a career at all; I'm desperate for a living wage!#it's not good#but this could be anxiety talking tbh#for real I'm amazed that like Virginia Woolf and others were able to do as much as they did in their lives#because without my medication I'd probably be useless??? Mania is not fun 10/10 would NOT suggest#I actually pity Lord Byron after reading his biography; he just seems like if mania was a person and um it explains his behavior completely#do you ever look back at other peoples' lives and see pieces of yourself in them and then feel really bad for them? cuz I do all the time#mychatter#I'm stubborn in that I refuse to quit school since I am aware that my family needs to know I can do this#please don't take this personally this is my problem and a pointless rant probably
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