#i am at least consistent lol
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i need a little notes section to be added to all block list functions in social media bc my goldfish memory having ass don't always remember why i blocked someone
see i looove blocking ppl and curating my online experience with wild abandon, but that means it can be anything from 'this person is a fucking terf' to 'this person is harmless but has annoying opinions about fictional characters i like' to 'this person once said mango was disgusting and i took it personally'
so now tumblr or whatever is telling me i have a mf blocked and i gotta sit there and wonder if they're a bigot or just have bad opinions on cheesecake
#like are they a rabid bigot? do they think liking x fictional character means ur evil? do they spout 'no kink at pride' bullshit?#do they think thoughtcrimes are real? do they have the habit of woobifying ur favorite character?#were they a little too excited about the death of some random anime character and it put u off?#did they reblog one of those 'have you heard this song' polls and have utter dogshit opinions on your favorite song?#are they kind of a dick with a bully type sense of humor that rubs u the wrong way? do they just rly fuckin hate cheesecake for some reason#all these and more are reasons i can remember off the top of my head for blocking someone lol#i rarely remember why i blocked someone but i often remember the feeling of 😒 that inspired it lol#so i can usually trust past me even if i don't remember why i blocked someone#tho if i take the time to rifle through an acc i blocked the reason why usually eventually becomes evident#i am at least consistent lol#sketchy speaks
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louis 9 weeks old vs 12 weeks old with the ball tower
#please dont judge me for making them a tiktok account. for one i dont care what u think ill just block u but also in transparency#i am Not a tiktok person and idk how to follow their trends or do whatever im here to edit and share cute videos about my kitties#dont expect quality content if you follow them lol#or consistent updates#somebody told me you have to post at least a video a day but fuck all that#thats daunting af#though i do already have hundreds of viedeos of them#sonboys allowed#fig#lou
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no one FREAKING understands jo march and friedrich bhaer the way i do
#pickle pontificates#little women#it's always so so hard for me to read or listen to discussion of little women because even if people have good points#or sound interpretations#i have yet to hear anyone that sees what i see in that specific aspect of it#it's always ''jo should have gotten with laurie'' or more recently ''jo should never have gotten with anyone''#and while i understand the emotion behind the former and acknowledge the truth behind the latter#i am tired of hearing about both of those and wish someone would come along with me and see what i see in the third option#because i feel like there's a lot of really interesting stuff to unpack there through a certain lens#and i think i'd be okay at doing it. at least amateurly#i can't elaborate right now because it's been ages since i've read the books and i would like it to be fresh so i can do it justice#but i have read little women + little men + jo's boys many times over#and this is one of the few media properties that i am actually very snobbish over#i like to think i'm the number one jo march understander.#is that an incredibly hubristic thing to say about a classic novel that's been discussed to death for a century and a half. yes#but let me have this one#edit: lol i checked to see if I've ever posted about little women on here before and the only other thing was about this exact topic#back in 2019#i'm nothing if not consistent apparently
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Holding out hope that the writing in veilguard will get more bearable but rook saying to lucanis that it's "not nice that Spite hurt him" and he "shouldn't accept that it’s fine bc it wouldn't be ok if a person did that" like. That is a demon. Built off a single emotion called SPITE. Rook I am finding it really hard to believe that u have lived in thedas for more than 30 seconds.
#wow the demons which are one of the consistently evil forces in these games did something bad#hey players do you know that that was not nice#ok thank you. do u think I am 4#dav spoilers#veilguard spoilers#dragon age the veilguard#also grinding my gears that everyone (including dalish elves???) just immediately accept the evanuris are evil/have come back#like the first person to not immediately believe it is the first warden and honestly he is the only character so far I respect#like maybe if this was like inquisition and a huge hole in the sky/rifts opened everywhere#but it seems like nothing like that happened but everyone somehow magically knows about the ritual and instantly believes everything rook sa#the more I think about these things the more annoyed I get#guys did you know being a leader means u sometimes need to make hard decisions... varric taught me that in my ma15+ game#i am enjoying the combat at least lol and I like Bellara and want to see Babylon so I'm in it for the long haul#why does everyone have a gun to their head making them nice though like it's so painfully out of place sometimes#and being able to only say the same thing but in a slightly boring slightly funny or slightly serious way is driving me insane#like I seem to be the only one who had no problem w the limits on dialogue in inquisition but this is driving me insane#Mourn watch rook what if you were somehow boring and nice. yay thank you bioware#ALSO rook stop talking and forming opinions without me getting to choose what u say like no I don't want u to day we have to save that perso#ok I swear I'm done now.. I need to go back to writing my thesis instead of grinding my teeth about this game#this is all coming from an inquisition enjoyer as well (sorry) but like so far I have found nothing I enjoyed about inquisition in this game#maybe if the inquisitor and Ghilan'nain are cool latee on I can focus on that (big maybe)#I am only early on still (just met first warden) so there is still time... i guess..
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i’m not gonna write this bc i would die before i could hit post but all i’m gonna say is akaashi keiji jazz pianist
#this is free reign if anyone feels inspired#only stipulation is u must tag me#also i promise i am writing stuff stc is getting priority bc if eggy finishes get ugly before i finish the thing i started in august i’ll#die of humiliation#but the requests are getting chipped away at too!!!!#i know better than to promise deadlines but i’m hopeful they’ll be at least coming out consistently#i just need to get out of my stardew valley phase#working on the requests kinda made me lol bc i actually lost followers 🤣🤣🤣 so i’m not at 500 anymore#i do not care#but now i’m like fuck do i need to do another event?!??#i’m not#off my rocker
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damn its like everything i do is rooted in hatred and/or apathy lmao
#mine.txt#i started actively participating in fandoms cause i hated how easily detached i was (and still am tbh) even to things that i liked#i refuse to use a public twitter cause i hate the culture there#i have certain ppl blocked either cause i hate them personally#or cause tumblr doesnt have a mute button and i dont care to keep seeing them in tags#i draw and i write cause i hate keeping things in my head#more specifically i hate the emptiness they leave behind once they disappear#im vocal about bigotry not really cause i care about morality but cause i hate everything that goes against my own principles#even me giving up on differentiating between c and cc although inspired by the rpf-posting was culminated by. im gonna be honest Years#worth of seeing ppl Insinuate that you deeply and genuinely hate a cc if you hate the character they play#which ofc came to a head at least for me last december#i cant do things out of love at least not consistently cause love for me is a fickle and unsatisfying or sometimes even nauseating thing#it sounds like a miserable life but honestly im just vibing lol#nd tag
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Fears that I've been repressing and not addressing, telling myself to stand tall and "not show weakness", started to slip into my nightmares.
I just want to crawl under my blanket and cry, cry, cry until I've cried myself to sleep... and wake up in a better parallel world, where my paranoia is not eating me alive, where I can feel trust and comfort.
#personal#/vent#I am getting compulsive thoughts of cutting out like 95% of people who are nice to me and interact with me semi-consistently#because.. well it is all trap right? it is all pretend right?#any positive words and feelings are just to lull me into false sense of safety and then abruptly abandon me#without even me knowing why.#I already have my reservations and feel reluctant to open up to someone who expresses truly liking me#because I just know it won't last long enough.#either I'll push them away in some way or they'll find out something about me and instead of discussing it with me-#-just will discard me right?#so sometimes just being lukewarm under assumption that this niceness and love is temporary is not enough#I want to just... scream. scream to stop mocking me. to stop trying to deceive me.#to cut everyone away except for like 6 trusted friends#and then live in fear knowing that if even one of these friends vanishes or dies.. I'll die too. internally.#I won't survive the loss of even one person whom I can TRULY trust. at least my heart won't.#as for nightmares? the recent nightmare was about a certain group that hates me turning ARTORIAS against me lol#I know it SOUNDS humorous from aside but within the dream it was *harrowing*. to just watch them 'warn' him about me#and him subtly agreeing to be on guard.. and wishing to protect them or anyone from me#and me knowing my chances to be friends with him got preemptively ruined#I've been thinking back on it all day and every time I did I actually cried. why I am such a child?#I am like reverse miquella: my body grows but my brain is forever that scared vulnerable traumatized kid. forever.#/paranoia
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nothing makes me feel like a golden god quite like a new recipe turning out delicious on the first try. unfortunately, conversely nothing makes me feel more 'I am god's mistake' than spending all that time and effort on something and having to make a sandwhich b/c the results were inedible if you want to retain your capacity for delight. the duality of home chef
#it's only been a couple of times in the last like six years I've made something truly unpalatable#(and at least two of them were not on me I think the recipes were misguided from the start in hindsight)#but man it's such a downer every time haha it makes me feel like the ultimate failure. I shame everyone who's ever held a spatula. woe#but NOT TODAY! that shit rocked I did good#I have been slowly leveling up my preparing beans from dry game and I think I'm finally reaching a place of consistently ok results!#(that was never something we did at home when I was growing up and not something my mum does either so I had to start from scratch#it's really a big help to come from a home where we do a lot of communal cooking tho! having some basics down is good)#I am also realizing that if I ever get a partner they are um. unlikely to be quite as contented as me with eating pretty much the same stuf#a good two thirds are just variations on stir fry. for years at a time lol. so expanding my reportoir of recipes could be a wise investment#also I don't care for most meat so also finding good vegetarian/vegan recipes (b/c there are tricks to making it amazing!)
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You’re gonna die if you keep that up (Patreon)
#Doodles#SCII#Damned#ZEX#Kayako#And Teisel's there technically#*Die again - he's sticking with his track record lol at least he's consistent#Ghost/Curse GF arc!! I enjoy seeing ZEX happy but I am Concerned for him lol#ZEX be attracted to something/one that won't brutally murder him challenge - difficulty impossible#His affection for the grotesque and monstrous - I mean while it's admirable he does regularly put himself in dangerous situations!#Runs solely on the Suspension Bridge Effect lol - attraction and fear so conflated in his mind <3#I keep thinking of his human instincts as specifically Max's instincts since it's his body - Max's self-preservation and fear and hunger#Which ZEX dutifully ignores lol Max's body tells him to bolt and privately replies like ''Yes yes in a moment'' haha#His fascination wins out! To his own detriment haha#Although I say all that as though I don't relate in my own way - I have maybe just a few too many notes relating to ZEX lol#It's always been hard for me to get into horror in the way it's intended to spook and scare because I tend to get sad :')#So many monsters and ghosts and creatures are victims of circumstance! Like Kayako! As she is here she's not even malicious just dangerous#I've never seen the Grudge so it's only speculation but it seems very sad that she was tethered as a Curse rather than a malignant spirit#Like a battery moreso than an individual - what a terrible after-existence! It makes me sad to consider!#ZEX reaching out to her in his own way is very sweet <3 He's so biased towards his darlings hehe#In a way being human does suit him - we'll packbond with anything that Might have even the slightest inclination to not maim us lol#And the way he personifies her! (VUXonifies her?) Reading intention or emotion into her actions with no proof and no understanding!#The way he ''tries to read her face'' as if he hasn't been struggling with that this entire time - with other humans who can tell him so ♪#His pride is so delicious <3 He is so easily blinded to his own shortcomings in the face of pleasure and the potential for connection!#It's no wonder DAX worries about him so much hehe ♥#It also always makes me so happy to have something fit together so perfectly like those last two hehe <3#That vine didn't exist when this happened! But there it is!! I love newer memes on older media hehehe ♪♫
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Mel for the unhinged character bingo!
yessss YEEEESSSSSSSSS
#ask me#so Mel is in the unenviable position of being a very strong character whose rights I support and whose wrongs I also fully support#BUT the way she's treated broadly in the fandom is so pervasive and so consistent and so frustrating to me that#I am in full -must protect my blorbo- mode with her at all times#-Mel's story is over so the only thing left for her to do is die-#-if Mel dies then J can get together with V and they will appreciate her for her sacrifice bc she died a hero who rejected Ambessa-#enough! enough I say!#what about proving to ambessa that she can take the throne for herself? what about the angst of defying her mother and her home country#and opposing those in Piltover who DO want war and want to raze the undercity#what about the magic that she's heavily foreshadowed to have and how it's different from hextech#and how it directly opposes but also parallels what is happening to Viktor#what about her -friends- abroad and the plot Mel was cooking through all of season 1 that has not been revealed yet#there's so much potential for her to have to confront the fact that J was slowly becoming a monster through season 1#and that she can't ignore the undercity forever#also what if whoever Ambessa says killed her brother comes after Mel too!#it is very frustrating to see Mel get dismissed as dead or evil or irredeemable or whatever when she is consistently#the most interesting person in the room in every single scene she's in and the character who shows the most conviction and change#so yeah i will take a bullet for her she is my blorbo I will despise any character who hurts her#and I would cradle her in my arms if she gave me a chance - which she would never! - but a girl can dream#however I also enjoy leaning into the idea that Mel is perceived as being a devil from the outside - Mel leans into it too when it serves#but it's in direct opposition to her ironclad values and the personality that she keeps hidden a layer down#I genuinely think that Mel will have a happy ending - or at least as happy an ending that an Arcane character can get lol#like I fully believe she will take the throne (Piltover) in the end but I can only guess at this point what that will cost her#I love putting Mel in situations but mainly to play with both how creative she can get and also how fucking far she will go to win#which is ANOTHER thing we know is probably true about Mel but has not been put on display yet#also Mel has already done a great job at separating what she wants for herself as a person from just being Ambessa's daughter#but Mel still deserves to get plenty of great therapy for that situation because OH GOD THAT CHILDHOOD FLASHBACK#also Kino is dead? maybe dead?? at least Mel fully believes he's dead so she needs therapy and hugs for that too#I am super normal about her can you tell
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Various images of things
#image commentary in tags once again since they don't allow captions anymore and I feel weird using the alt text for that --#1. PIBBINS.... cheering clapping hooting hollering glorious applause everytime I see a pigeon in public#2. Birthday card that I drew for someone. .. kittys...#3. 2023's annual haul of tiny white pumpkins.. i get at least one white pumpkin every year around fall when they have pumpkins in stores#because I just love the color and texture ... bright white and smooth and cold and round.. kind of like a volleyball or something#4. A brief adventure into watching big brother (only earlier seasons of course as I hate all reality shows post like 2013 or something when#they became overly focused on social media and overproduced memeable phrases more.. like even though ALL reality shows have always#been extremely fake and annoying and mindless it's like..... newer stuff seems A Different Kind Of Fake or something) since whenever#I'm sick sometimes I find weird mindless things like that to watch (that one time I had bronchitis I watched all of Flavor of Love in my#half awake illness stupor and now everytime I heat up canned minestrone soup (mostly all I ate that week) I think of flavor flav since#thats just a weird brain connection I have now lol) ANYWAY.. I was sick and watched like 2 seasons of this and then thought it was too#uninteresting and obnoxious to continue (more like 1 and a half since I skipped the rest of one once only boring people were left) BUT this#one guy had a very mischevious looking face and he also said a few things (like the above captioned speech) that sounded like dialogue#some fantasy character would say.. so I took a screencap of him and edited him into a mischevious wizard i guess.?? idk I was sick lol#~your little friend has a poisoned tongue~ is just a very unexpectedly serious sounding wording for some random normal#frat dude looking guy to say while casually chatting on a reality tv show in like 2008 or whenever that was filmed lol#5. FLUFFY CLOVERS!! I'd never seen them be furry and soft before?? inchresting..#6. Noodle sitting in bed with the cat figurines looming above him... the council of kittys...#7. McDonald's full breakfast platter + asparagus + strawberries & cream (also of course this is old and I am now boycotting mcdonalds etc)#i try to group the images somewhat consistently like.. winter stuff with winter stuff or summer stuff with summer stuff#but I have so many random pictrues floating around on my computer that I never post that sometimes some are not organized or just#thrown into a set because there's nowhere else for them. Like the pigeon picture is from like 3 years ago for example lol#8 & 9 - I think I've posted these before but I just find them very interesting looking flowers. whenever they happen to be blooming#I'll pick up a few when I'm out on walks or etc. ... poof ball looking things#photo diary
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I couldn't sleep but I have Shit To Do Today that I can't risk missing so I am mainlining caffeine. it's 10:30am and my chest is full of hummingbirds. This is maybe fine
#at least i have a doc appt today lol#I haven't been in. uh. a very long time#i am extremely healthcare avoidant#but I Need to quit smoking and for years I've failed on my own. so im gonna ask for help with that#plus. my blood pressure has been uh. consistently concerning lately#so i need to start monitoring that closely (and will be helped most by quitting smoking)#and it's my wife's doctor whom she loves#so unlikely to get the standard Just Diet About It and Come Back Next Year “advice”#:) ANYWAYS i am going to crash Hard at around 5pm#but i gotta make it until then and it's gonna be hard :c#i dont even remember what time i woke up yesterday so im just. freeballin it ig#rambles#personal
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Purely hypothetical question BUT if I were to revive one of my (many) ask blogs…which one would you want to see…👀
Looking at these and sweating why do I have so many ask blogs. I may have a problem
#Shima speaks#Polls#Purely hypothetical of course. I am just curious 👀#Out of all of these I’ve been the most consistent with my Lancer blog I usually touch that one at least once a year lol#The others tho. Have been on hiatus for a WHILE#And my BMC blog is technically discontinued since I can’t see myself coming back to it?#But who knows#The others tho. I do want to come back to them someday��#Mom 3 and Mysme especially…I love my boys
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xanax is So Good
I am So Chill right now
#treated myself to one (1) xanax despite not having a panic attack#because i was exhausted and stressed and anxiety was spiking#(offline reasons nothing major just my brain being shitty handling minor issues)#and honestly BEST choice i am So relaxed it is Fantastic#honestly really gotta get a new psych so i can maybe get some meds i can take consistently long-term because i wanna be chill more often#unfortunately i keep getting ghosted by people i try to set up shit with lmao#so the depression and adhd are unmedicated but at least my GP gives me xanax once a year#(i take them so rarely a 30-day supply lasts me until they expire lol)#50 shades of personal
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A few days ago I decided to draw all the 30+ characters of Street Cats and make small, few sentences describing them for the sake of reference and oooh myyy god I already regret it sobs
#tbh part of it was like#I will have to do it anyways eventually#having at least one full body drawing of everyone plus a basic character description for constant reference#i also knew this was going to be a big overtake#but man a few days and I am already tired lol#I divided them by groups so most likely I will make a full group and then take a little break before starting the next one#Also also these don't include one chapter characters#is only recurrent ones#BUT ALSO#by recurrent characters I mean like- characters that appear in at least 3 chapters#and their relevance varies WILDLY#some appear several times but are mostly as a stand in or just for reference#so really even in these 30+ characters some are very barely relevant lol I just need them to be consistent
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i need friends /gen (slight rant in tags)
#xelle.txt#i noticed i don't really have a permanent circle of friends. at least irl#i have one online but they're also busy and i just can't dedicate my time to one friend group#i don't know - it's just the people i thought who were nice turned out to be the exact opposite#and when i found out about that i just kinda. lost interest in making any more friends#my partner is the only person i interact with on a daily basis. the irl friend group i was referring to earlier i'm not exactly close with-#-them either#i feel like if i didn't only give my time in nurturing my romantic relationship i would have done the same for my platonics too#that's still a problem of mine. my time management between love life and friends. heck i even got myself into an unsolvable problem because-#-of my inability to stay consistent#also my brain is kinda fried from reading 20+ pages so pardon any grammatical errors but yeah anyway#honestly i've been craving for interaction here. but i know i won't be active and it'd just be pointless#to gain more friends or followers. i don't exactly make content as consistently as i did before#the other day i had to vent to an ai (would you believe me if it was cha.tgpt) about my troubles because i had no one else to talk to lol#there's just so much going on irl 😭 ya girl's almost starting college and they're throwing so much tasks at us!!#and i feel very very stressed about it because they're usually done in groups i am ALWAYS the assigned leader#which gets exhausting especially when there are lazy members present#anyway#hopefully this weekend i get some time to cool off. but next week i'm back to grinding and working#lol i don't even think i'm in the top ranks anymore. i'm so burnt out.#this is what being an academic achiever gives you oops ZZHSIAHAHAJAHHS#imma sleep now 😭#idk you can just interact with me or recommend someone you know who self ships in the same medias i do#goodnight everypony 🫶#vent tw#rant tw
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