#i am allowed. to fucking. rest
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I am allowed to rest
#keep tellingnyourself that and maybe one day youll.believe it#i am. so fucking tired#and dysphoric in a way where everything is wrong and i dont know what would be right#and i know i havr drabbles to do#but also. i am allowed to rest#i am allowed to rest#i am allowed. to fucking. rest
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I think it would really benefit people to internalize that mental illnesses are often chronic and not acute. Some of us will never be able to jump the hurdle of managing illness, much less sustaining a sense of normalcy. Many of us will never "recover," will never manage symptoms, will never even come close to appearing normal - and this is for any condition, even the ones labeled as "simple" disorders or "easy-to-manage" disorders.
It isn't a failure if you cannot manage your symptoms. It isn't a moral failure, and you aren't an awful person. You are human. There's only so much you can do before recognizing that you cannot lift the world. Give yourself the space to be ill because, functionally, you are.
#mental health#mental health advocacy#like... anxiety and depression are often concieved of as simple and easy to manage...#...but that isn't the case for so many of us. anxiety and depression just have a lot more research invested into them...#...and while i wish this were the case for literally every other condition it does alter people's perception of you to some extent...#...so while this is NOT solely about anxiety or depression it includes us...#...my anxiety and depression and PTSD have *destroyed* my life. this is chronic and will probably be life-long...#...and that isn't my fault. i've done the fucking work but guess what? that doesn't account for the fact that I Am Just ILL#the least we can do for each other is to be compassionate#be compassionate to those who cannot heal. be compassionate to the people who can't manage their lives. this world is scary enough#recognize that management of symptoms is something not all of us can do - even IF their condition is labeled as 'easy to manage'#i allowed myself to feel angry that i can't heal 'normally' and that was unfair as fuck toward myself#and i NEED people to internalize this so that MAYBE this could help somebody else who is where i was#i NEED them to understand that it's okay that they are where they are - sometimes shit just doesn't turn out how you expect or want#don't beat yourself over you being a person. you are struggling enough. you deserve to rest. just rest please#and just... give yourself space
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Rest in Peace 🪦 Kermit the Frog
Beloved by the Joker, the Croaker, God
Wrongfully imprisoned in the meat closet, murdered by emos and died in agony. Taken too soon.
Hear the cries? The howls? You are hearing the brotherhood.. sisterhood… nonbinary hood (ally!) of the Muppet Joker.
May you and The Croaker be reunited in the afterlife once the time has come. And may sex in heaven be awesome.
Amen.
(written in my break room at work.. stay on that grind)
#dark kermit#rest in peace#funeral services#the muppet joker#taken too soon#rip#FUCK IM SO SAD#GRRRRR#kermits funeral#muppet hole in heaven#look at me being a little bitch and tagging this so people can see it#i’m a glutton for peoples approval#no ones even going to look through these tags so i can talk about whatever i want in them#am i satisfied? being this complicit in my own life#allowing others to dictate how i feel?#are you satisfied?#i bet you aren’t.#i don’t think any of us are#i’m sorry#i’ll go back to being a silly tumblr man#rest easy kermit. rest easy#if only it were me. if i only i died in a fire#hm#FUCK i meant to stop with the melodrama my bad#i hope you become satisfied#goffick posts
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all the while society conflates "being an adult" with "having a proper job" and "having money to make arbitrary Adult Purchases" disabled people who can't work - or can only work part time or can only do entry level baby jobs - will never be 'allowed' to be adults
you can say "being an adult is looking after yourself you don't have to have a job!!!" all you want but most people who say that will still assume anybody who doesn't either can't or won't 'look after themselves' actually. and every 'marker' of 'adulthood' that's observable and thus actually counts or whatever loops back around to... having a job and 'contributing' something
#yeah i have netflix on all day#i am quite literally signed off of work for the -rest of my life-#what the fuck else would you like me to do with my time when most people are in fact at work#or did you think i can't have the tv on and put laundry away at the same time or something#must i work on commissions on silence in a dour room to be perceived as an adult#anyway 'looking after yourself/your home/your pet' is not observable#to anybody who doesn't like ACTUALLY live in your house#unless you are extremely obviously NOT doing it#if a tree falls in a forest etc#owning a house? job. like not even 'in this economy? lol'#disabled people LITERALLY can't because we aren't allowed to have enough savings for a deposit#car? would you honestly trust me with a vehicle lol but also: job#you mostly cannot buy a car without one it's a requirement for the lease#otherwise you aren't 'trusted' to pay it on time#incidentally most landlords will also - perfectly legally - refuse to rent to you because you are going to be unreliable with the rent#which is being paid directly by the gov anyway like take your trust issues up with them bro#a family? if i get married or cohabit with a partner my income gets sliced in half#so to support even myself let alone a child would require. drumroll please. employment#savings? adults have savings right? yeah but unlike you i have a gov enforced cap on mine#'good furniture not shit from ikea' (someone has remarked that ikea furniture is 'college dorm-y' it's going here)#i mean do i have to say it
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When my interest shifts from one to another I don’t start disliking/hating the old one
It just slips into being dormant until something inevitably triggers monkey brain about it again
#for instance! I am likely going to be annoying as shit once professor layton nwos comes out!#I do have old PL ocs to dig out to redesign#two of them survived past my PL interest! (cateyes and Naro)#but the rest faded into obscurity#namely Abigail and Cosmo#I kinda dodged getting SUPER back into lmk when the last season came out#but that’s because I caught covid 0.2 seconds after I watched it JGSHFKFH#I’m trying to think of more recent ones#trolls!! is one of them! I DO still love those movies#but I have a huge dislike towards my own ocs for them so?? bramble is likely dead unless I give him a major redesign#(where he would not be a troll anymore)#uh… psychonauts! I have exactly one (1) psychonauts oc and it’s a sona#I would likely only get back into that if I decided to replay the games or they made a 3rd game#currently ace attorney owns my brain! and I am!!! struggling with making fan art for that JGSHFJJD#I feel like I’m not allowed because I’ve only ever played up to the second game#I don’t know who apollo justice or trucy wright is#I only have knowledge of phoenix’s disbarment via osmosis#who the fuck is godot. why does he throw coffee at phoenix.#i dont know
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Having more energy with adhd is such a fucking bad experience. A death trap.
LIKE IDK. I DONT KNOWWW
My productiveness absolutely crashes and burns if I am fully energized. Bc I'm distracted and I'm doing 150 things and doing nothing, and absolutely no force on earth will stop me from abandoning a Task and getting serotonin somewhere more lazy and pleasant.
Like what do I do, stay forever trapped in a loop of being just a bit sleep deprived? How do you even do that, eventually it's still majorly sleep deprived.
#the best time to do smth big is at 2 am on a night where you shouldve been asleep 4 hours ago.#its like. so fucking bad#also thats why i have strict morning routine and if i misstep on it the entire rest of day crashes and burns#bc it all HINGES on my brain being very dead and allowing me to be hella productive for 30 minutes to get all the boring tasks n get out#after that im all on my own and my own is in teh passenger seat of a monkey car driven by my brain
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hey you know how sometimes your parents have a dumb rule and you KNOW it's a dumb rule but it still kinda leaves you fucked up?
yeah that sucks ass and i really hate it right now
#my dad had this. Thing. i wasn't allowed to just take up space.#i had to be doing something i always had to be productive#i was in my room a lot in high school as a result. because if i was just going to take up space then i might as well just stay in my room#his reasoning btw not mine#and that has - unfortunately - really fucking stuck with me#and i can very easily point to it as something that is causing me duress#but that doesn't make it any easier#and it's definitely made it harder to deal with the grief. because it leaves me feeling like an imposition on everyone#because all i am doing is taking up space and i'm not supposed to do that being useless is wrong and bad and should not be done#i have to be doing something and i haven't been i've been sitting in my room and being sad and that's not doing anything#and i know everyone needs rest but this feels like it's gone beyond rest i'm spending hours in my room and i don't feel healthy#and i don't know how to handle it
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if france isnt being really weirdly morbid about death and its beauty then whats the gosh darn diggity dang point.
#hetalia#hws france#headcanon#i am a firm believer in france is a goth without the aesthetic of a goth and even let him hear ghosts as a treat.#and i will take that to my fucking grave#this man is in love with beauty and life#and death is a part of life#this man talks to skulls#and listens to the whispers on the wind#he talks to the skeletons in the catacombs about who they were when they were alive#and wonders if god will ever allow his bones to rest among them#indistinguishable from theirs#blended in a dance#an eternal dance#forgotten to the sands of time#and I will die on that hill alone#and thats fine#it hurts to be right
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dont get me wrong i love that shadows edgy explosion gun grrrrarara i think its awesome and i wish people would stop erasing all his flaws and sharp edges in retaliation to that meme culture surrounding him but my god. it really has fucked him over hasnt it
#sorry for still being on this. im just so baffled#ive gone on record saying the sonic series is so inconsistent with characterization that basically any statement is true#but i meant in regards to sonic himself. because every writer writes him differently#sega seems to have an iron fist on what shadow is allowed to say or do and it still seems like they dont fucking know what to do with him#its probably because the rivalry is super marketable so anything they can do to contrast the two is the way to go#but its SO ANNOYING ITS SO ANNOYING!!!!!!#i want to chew on wood SEGA DO U KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE WOULD FLIP THEIR FUCKING LID IF U GOT SHADOW RIGHT#PEOPLE WENT APESHIT OVER PRIME LITERALLY ONLY BC HE WASNT AN UNREASONABLE ANTAGONIST#AND THAT SHOW IS COMPLETELY DEVOID OF CONTEXT THAT THE REST OF THESERIES HAS#why am i surprised whyyyy am i surprised. why.#heliichats
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pick a thing that i want so badly a normal amount and am never going to get
#naddpod#dimension 20#brian murphy#jake hurwitz#i never wanna be the mfer who tags ppl when theyre tangential so idk if i shld tag like aabria or whatever#oh i mentioned caldwell specifically twice so ig uh#caldwell tanner#anyways i shouldnt be allowed to make polls bc the options have a char limit and i am incapable of being succinct aka shutting the fuck up#but yeah uh since i didnt get 2 elaborate ;; aabria murph & caldwell dynamic has quietly Intrigued me#def pro-throwing other ppl in the mix there as well (like im sure most ppl wld love emily there etc) but specifically Those Three im like#👀 waht would that energy be like exactly?#also idc what combination of players/gm they wld be. all players or 1 dm of whoever#im just like. intrigued. idk maybe it's not as inch resting as im theorizing it to be. idk
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knowing that you need to make money to be secure is fucking torture when you have anxiety
#like i want to be able to work and make money like everyone else#but the thought of being out in the world doing real work is so anxiety inducing it is genuinely debilitating#and i know that once i do it it will be fine but i’ve been interning for a month now and its exhausting#like i finish a day and dont even have the energy to read subtitles on a one piece episode#and i’m not even getting paid even though i am fairly certain i’m doong more work than the bosses#so what the fuck is the real world of work going to be like?#i don’t want to spend the rest of my life doing work that i hate but not being allowed to stop bc i need money#that sounds depressing as fuck#blah
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shoutout to tswift for not dropping you’re losing me in may 2022 or else i would’ve spent that summer being involuntarily committed instead of developing byler brainrot
#i am not allowed to listen to this song for my own safety.#but sometimes i do it anyway and i think oh jesus fucking christ#even if she’d dropped it w the rest of midnights i would not have been safe i fear.#/astro posts
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just saw the feh banner and lmfao… yunaka you poor girl… where are your friends… who are these stuffy fodlan people… singlehandedly saved us from purely fodlan christmas give it up for her
#ann cries about feh#im not even mad about it tho tbh i was gonna skip anyways#cuz. well. you all saw the last banner. my orbs are gone#but at this point its j kinda funny. hi edie. hi dima. hi claude.#three houses is their cash cow i just expect it at this point#fates and awakening got this same treatment way back when so i am not allowed to complain. got my 15 seconds of fame in 2017 im good#what i DONT like tho is that they keep using the fucking academy versions 😭 where is claudes facial hair… give it baaack…#rip tho i +10’d winter felix… if i knew claude was coming as the free one i never wouldve… no offense fefe ily but… clauude 🥺#whatever maybe next year theyll finally let 3h christmas rest. engage christmas? so yunaka isnt alone 😭#santa diamant would be funny i think
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I've never been a "born in the wrong generation" type of guy because for So Many reasons I would be dead. Full stop like I would have died during childbirth I would have died of appendicitis age 8 and that's not even factoring in my queerness and neurodivergency and ultimately my mental health (carefully maintained thanks to support/modern advances in medicine and treatment). On Top Of That my hobbies include The Video Game and many such things that are of modern invention (adjacently: including The Device I'm typing this out on right now which has become my main avenue of communication to the outside world)
But I'm just saying that. It WOULD be nice. To exist in a world where fluorescent lighting doesn't exist and everything is possibly 99% less overstimulating all of the time forever.
#and like. a little less capitalist dystopia. i could do with less of that.#but focusing primarily on my own struggle. it's just a bummer sometimes like#i genuinely had fun!!! w my sisters and friends!!! esp at the arcade w ddr that is ALWAYS so fun#but man you can't even take me to your own damn house unless if you're ready to accept vampire rules.#my sister can/does dim the lights if i ask and i don't mind asking it's just fucking crazy to me like#damn uoy guys live like this. bright ass lights ten diff convos at once music in the bg. what if i died on this beanbag#BUT. THAT IS. one thing that is very nice i AM allowed to die on the beanbag!!!!!!! i'm allowed to cozy up and rest#while everyone does their own thing and i can listen in and chime in every now and again. severely underrated tbh#i really only feel a little hopeless when i think about like. public spaces where the only thing i can control is myself#IF i am ever employable again my requirements would be. no florescent lighting. i will die.#which like. kind of limits my prospects.#i do enjoy outdoors/physical work actually though so. i'm just limited bc i have to bind.#i am. so severely. banking on top surgery working out. it won't be a cure-all but by god it WILL open up my options#plus the. constant fatigue. of binding. but not binding is even worse. i need divine intervention (surgery)#SAD. well there are other people in yhe world#but man rhat is like my fave joke to make but i feel so much sadness attached to it. the world will move on without me.#there are a million other people who are far more capable. much 'easier'. ect.#and i know the answer is well there's only one me and there are a handful of people who love me. who keep me and include me#i am very thankful for that.#it's just a bit of a bummer sometimes. i stay silly and have the most fun i can but i am a little sad about it.
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biting. biting. biting.
#having thoughts and feelings about ‘relationships’ and companionship and partnership and whatnot.#aro thoughts.#<if that shows up in a tag and people see it ill kill someone#i just. im grateful to have escaped the confines of amatonormativity to the degree that i already have#but im exhausted by how much of a fucking Process it is#i have dear friends that i can have and will again fight terrible circumstances to be with.#i have two lovely roommates who consider me a life partner at this moment in time#when my friends say they might movei start planning how to visit them.#my friends mean so much to me!!! and i am so grateful for them!!!#and i am so MAD that its taken me so long to know that thats. fine. and allowed#i love every single one of my friends like the sun is going to burst out of my chest.#and i am also constantly trying to hide that#why!!!! from who!!!! my friends?????#they deserve to know!!!!#but somewhere along the line it got twisted into my brain that the way i love is shameful#maybe its the rest of the shame complex but whatever#and i. have fallen into structure traps before#because i dont know what the structure for a relationship like this looks like!!#i dont know how to express ‘i love you and i want to build a life with you and also crawl into your skin’ in like. a platonic way#and sometimes i express that and end up in a romantic relationship which fails . because it is a structure that does not fit the shape of#my love#i also! get scared!! when expressing how big my love is!!! i worry that someone will try and fit me into that structure again!!#i dont fucking WANT that structure! im sick of it i fucking despise it! it doesnt fit and i hate it#but when i say ‘i love everyone ive ever met like they are the morning sun’ i worry my friends hear it and think it is too intense a love#for the structure they have set up for ne#anyways. a lot of this is really difficult to put into words#because its FEELINGS#op
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so i am singing that vitellia in the end... but at what fucking cost.
'you gotta sing this softer'
'what'
'this is mozart'
'this is vitellia'
'this is mozart'
'im singing about how much i hate this mf and want him dead before the end of the day'
'this is mozart'
'i wanna murder a guy'
'this is mozart'
'...'
'softer. gentle. mozart'
'...ok'
#they're killing me here#i already bargained for ONE (1) note in chest (thank you so so much that i am ALLOWED to sing an A3 in chest voice <333) and now THIS#THIS is why people hate mozart. fuck you.#i recorded that rehearsal and the first version sounds SO MUCH BETTER. after i did what she asked me to do its just. so fucking boring.#i hate it here#i love this duet so much but frfr im not sure i wanna do it if i have to do it on their terms.#also like sorry to be a bitch but you're a pianist girl. just stick to your stuff and let me take care of mine.#just because you're playing this like you're constipated because tHiS iS mOzArT doesnt mean the rest of us dont care either.#its possible i never will get the chance to sing the entire vitellia so i want to do justice. as much as im able. to this one chance i get#it took me A Long While to deal with the fact that i wont be able to bark that 'indegno' and 'regno' like i always envisioned.#but like. ok. whatever. i can still make it Entertaining. THIS however. no. no fucking way.#and its not even about me being a big-headed know-it-all who thinks she's better than everyone because. lol and lmao clearly im Not#but this is about having a fucking SOUL. its about actually taking the libretto into consideration too. its about trying to figure out#WHY mozart wrote it the way he did. like sorry but this is another fiordiligi case where its CLEAR that the amplitudes the crazy jumps#are there FOR A REASON. the reason is HE WANTED A CONTRAST. some fucking EMOTION. he sure as hell didnt want it to be Soft And Gentle.#i know it because i talked to him and he told me im right about everything as always and you can eat shit girl bye#grrrrrrrr im so angry#i knos i sound so arrogant here but please. please i just want to make this music fun and enjoyable. i just dont want it to be boring#please understand my vision im begging you
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