#i am afab and identified as nonbinary at the time. so i had to be the educator bc i was in the fucking relationship.

[theemmtropy]

Posts on this site will be like "Every person who is a minority shouldn't have to educate you! There are so many already-existing resources you can seek out!!" And then turn right around and say "Minorities need to be the better person when challenging and educating people who have bigoted beliefs!!" I'm fucking tired, and I'm not gonna waste my fucking time trying to convince someone that I deserve to be treated like a person.

[genderkoolaid]

i am genuinely confused by something you said in your joan of arc post & i would love if you could clarify. you said "women afab can be trans. men amab can be trans." i understand how that applies to intersex people, who may be assigned a sex they identify with but have other sex characteristics that they get dysphoria from. or theyre assigned as one sex but once puberty hit they developed far more traits of the other sex, so they had to transition back to what they used to be. i understand those scenarios. but as far as we know, joan of arc wasnt intersex & you dont bring up intersex in your post. how can a non-intersex person transition to something they already are & have been for their entire life? changing how one presents, like changing their style of clothes to better suit their gender & personality, doesnt count as "transitioning" imo, cis people do that aaall the time, multiple times throughout their lives. so what do you actually mean by this??

So my definition of trans is very much inspired by Leslie Feinberg's definition of trans(gender): An umbrella term for "everyone who challenges the boundaries of sex and gender," in which ze specifically includes cross-dressing and GNC people who are men AMAB and women AFAB. I would define trans as being inclusive of anyone who queers sex and/or gender.

In my humble nonbinary opinion, we way over-rely on the idea of trans as being about identifying as a gender that isn't your assigned sex. I, for example, was assigned female and identify as (amongst other genders) a woman, but my womanhood is very much trans. For one, I was on T for two years and intend to get bottom surgery, but I was also alienated from typical cis girlhood for my entire life and my womanhood is inherently tied to me also being a man and abinary. My womanhood is not cisnormative at all.

"Woman" and "man" (and male and female) are all constructs. Just because someone may call themself a woman, and have been assigned female at birth, does not mean they identify as the same kind of woman that society expects and demands them to. There are different ways of constructing womanhood. The "gender identity that isn't AGAB" definition was built on the idea of trans people as going from one binary point to the other, with the assumption that "woman" and "man" are still Real Things with one natural meaning. Attempts at being nb-inclusive have basically just said "well nonbinary isn't a gender assigned at birth, so its trans!" which is completely true, but it also ignores all the nonbinary and genderqueer people whose genders are more nuanced than that.

On Jeanne d'Arc specifically, I actually have some relevant quotes on this:

(from Vested Interests: Crossdressing and Cultural Anxiety and Clothing and Gender Definition: Joan of Arc respectively)

This is why I included that line: because we often assume, in our exorsexism, that a historical figure must identify as a man/woman (cis), as the opposite (trans), or maybe as neither, but those are the only options. We are still limiting ourselves and these historical figures' by limiting how we understand gender and genderqueerness. To Jeanne, being a cross-dressing female virgin soldier could be its own gender, something different than the genders of cisnormative mothers and nuns.

& as a note: I feel like, a lot of the time, non-intersex people in the community will make exceptions for intersex people (like "well, intersex people can be transfemmascs/male lesbians/etc" but no one else!!!") which. doesn't actually seem that great for intersex people? Like aside from assuming that these genderqueer experiences can only be had by intersex people, it also means that if you identify that way, you must Prove that you are Allowed to be doing that, by both outing yourself as intersex and arguing that you are intersex Enough.

[receivingtranny]

just saw a post saying that men shouldn't be allowed to become therapists because they *will* rape women/girls or at best... mentally ill women and girls *will always* catch inappropriate romantic/sexual feelings for a male therapist (not even gonna touch the flaming pile of internalized misogynistic shit lying within the later statement) and just...

what the fuck you guys.

like yeah fuck the "not all men" attitude that's just a fucking scapegoat abusive men love to say for why they never hold themselves or other men accountable, but actually *genuinely* saying all men will rape and abuse if they became a therapist does nothing to offer solutions that will actually make therapy safe for people.

because i'm sorry but i've had nearly 40 therapists in my life and unfortunately i've had a mix of really harmful experiences from both male and female therapists. the best therapist i had was actually nonbinary. the second and third best were male.

i've had both male/female therapists try to convert me to christianity and say my illness was god punishing me for sinning. i've had female therapists enable my father to continue being sexually/psychologically/physically abusive under the guise of "you're probably just being a dramatic teenage genderfuck" they didn't say genderfuck but they definitely thought my queerness had given some reason for why my dad should be the one to help "get me on the right track".

so i ask you radfem bioessentialists, in your utopia without male therapists, what's your solution for people like myself? multigender/nonbinary people who are seeking therapy, or *gasp* perhaps even schooling to become a therapist? do i get a female therapist because i was AFAB? or no since i identify as a man and have a penis now I must be planning on raping her so i'll need a male therapist. but wait, i'm AFAB and i identify as a woman so he must be planning on raping me. so another multigender AFAB person i'm guessing? wait but if i identify as a woman and a man... and they identify as a woman and a man... who's the one planning on raping the other in this situation? I just wanna make sure I know what to do here, being part man and all, is it in my nature to rape her? or is it his nature to rape me? or do we just rape ourselves all the time since we're both men and women simultaneously.

sorry not to sound like an asshole there at the end with the sarcasm, but like, i was human trafficked for several months and am now severly agoraphobic and even i'm not this terrified that everyone i meet is going to rape me. so idk man. get a grip? have some compassion beyond yourself? some critical thinking skills maybe?

[nrc-counselor]

Since this discussion has been going around recently and has revealed a fair few instances of transphobia in this fandom that I wanted to my point clear: I despise the trope that "everyone finds our Yuu is a girl" because a lot of people who are writing it unintentionally embed their work with transphobia.

And while I know I do not have enough followers for this to actually make a change, I want to explain what I mean so maybe someone will think about how they write this trope.

More often then not, this idea that Yuu is a girl is inherently attached to them being cis with this revelation occurring through them either menstruating or people realizing they have boobs (yes I've seen this one a fair few times) instead of the fact that Yuu just identifies as a girl.

Ignoring my other views on this trope, assigning girlhood or proving Yuu is a girl by claiming their sex or aspects of their sex is what defines that is a problem and a big one. Not all afab people are women nor do they identify as such. Someone being able to menstruate, have boobs, or even have a vagina does not make them a woman no matter what. Similarly someone being amab does not make them a man or mean they must identify as one.

By putting this idea up that Yuu is a girl and that her proof being a girl is her being afab or her menstruating, two things occur. For the menstruation as proof of girlhood, this unintentionally attaches menstruation to girlhood or as proof you are a girl which as explained above borders closer on transphobia than people realize. This also implies there are no other afab people at NRC aka no trans men or nonbinary people who would need the same products, and I only mention this because there are a few instances in these stories where period products are unable to be found in the nurses office because "NRC is a boys school" which isn't this gotcha people think it is.

2) I cannot say this enough but attaching boobs or having a vagina as what makes you a women is not only transphobic but borders on misogyny in ways that we need to talk about. Your sex does not always define your gender.

As we get to the end of this discussion, I want to be clear in saying that I don't think the people writing these are transphobic. I honestly believe a lot of people are writing it this way because they are cis and have never had to or thought to separate their gender from their sex. As a result of never having to question it, I think they do not realize they are writing it this way.

Additionally, I am not saying your Yuu has to be gender neutral or can't be a cis women. Do what you want: your ocs are not my ocs and I have no control over them. What I am saying is that if you are making x readers which are intended to include as much of your audience as possible, please think of your trans and nonbinary readers. I am not saying that you can't have Yuu go through menstruation or write a one shot about it. You can! Hell, I can give recommendations for those.

All I am asking for is that if you are going to write a piece that uses the "everyone finds out Yuu is a girl" trope then please take my advice and look it over and consider if any of this stuff is unintentionally transphobic. I know I can't stop you from writing that and I am not trying to. I am just trying to share my voice and concerns about it as a trans person because as of late, people have not been taking them seriously especially in this fandom

[nonbinairyboi]

Nothing Left: Chapter 4

I am a few days late in getting this out as family drama plus the holidays plus moving is hard.

I will try to get another chapter out by the 4th, but between then and now is Christmas, Hanukkah, my birthday, New Years, and my partner's birthday, so who knows!

Fic Summary: You hadn’t spoken in years. Technically, you had the ability to, though as the years wore on, you weren’t so sure. You’d settled in Jackson over a year ago and now it was fall again. You are drawn towards Ellie and her ‘not-dad’, but you had always assumed any relationships deeper than surface level were beyond you at this point.

Chapter Summary: Waking up with injuries makes you realize the strength of your community. 

Pairing: Joel Miller x nonbinary!Reader/OC (afab, short hair, tall, dimples, has multiple nicknames but none are their name)

Word Count: ~2.8k

MAIN MASTERLIST

Read on AO3

Series Warnings: This is my first fanfic and I plan to go into some dark stuff including some in-depth discussion of SA that was done to the main character (not by Joel) and the mental impact it has. I am unsure if I will be writing smut as I never have before but I will update the warnings if that changes. There definitely will be allusions to smut if nothing else, so MINORS DNI!

Chapter Warnings: Talk of injuries. Concussion recovery. 

Chapter 4

Throbbing and sharp. Those were the only sensations you could identify. You slowly became aware of sounds around you. Shuffling and muffled voices. You tried to grasp onto what was being said but it just made everything hurt worse. Before you knew it, sleep was pulling you under again.

The next time you came to, you were still in pain, but slightly more aware. This time, you didn’t hear any more voices, just the general hum of the room. You squeezed your eyes shut tighter than they already were in the hopes that when you opened them, the light wouldn’t be too blinding. When you finally cracked your eyes open, you were pleasantly surprised to find that the lights were off and the curtains were drawn. After a few more blinks, you realized that you were laying in a room at the clinic.

Your memories were coming back slowly and they were skipping and stuttering like a damaged record. From your left, you heard a little gasp and a whispered “Holy shit, you’re up!,” which forced you to move your head a little too quickly to the side to see the source of the sound. You were surprised when your eyes met with a shocked-looking Ellie, who was sitting in the chair next to you.

“You’ve been out for like 2 hours, dude,” Ellie told you. “Joel and Eugene were here but had to report what happened to Maria. They also went home to shower cause you guys are gross. You could use one too.”

You cracked a small smile at that and tried to sit up a bit. Pain shot through your ribs, tailbone, head and neck at the action and you hissed and laid back down.

“Careful, you don’t look so great,” Ellie said, looking a little out of her element. She waited a moment before adding, “Heard you were pretty badass.”

You raised your eyebrows at the surprised tone in her voice.

“Not that someone like you couldn’t be!” Ellie quickly backtracked. “You’re just… quiet. So I guess I didn’t know you would be.”

You smirked at how uncomfortable she looked and rolled your eyes playfully, despite the pain it caused you.

The click of the door pulled your attention to the front of the work. A much cleaner looking Joel stepped through the door. His hair was still wet and slicked back from his shower. His eyes were down, but when he stepped in the room, they lifted and locked with yours. He seemed a little taken aback to see you awake. 

Instead of directly addressing you, he turned to Ellie. “You call a doctor in here?”

“No,” Ellie replied. “Charlie just woke up.”

Without another word, Joel turned on his heel and walked right out the door.

You turned to Ellie and caught her trying hard not to smile at the awkward interaction. You playfully swatted her shoulder, forcing out a little laugh from her chest.

“I’ve never seen you guys interact,” she commented. “It’s kinda funny since Joel doesn’t really talk much to other people either.”

You smiled good-naturedly in reply. 

The door opened again and June, one of the two doctors, walked in with Joel and Maria trailing behind her.

June was a woman in her late 60s who had seen it all. She was caring but blunt at times. You admired her. She narrowed her eyes at you. 

“We gave you five stitches in your leg. You look to have some bruised ribs and a severe concussion.” June stated. “Since concussions can get worse over time, you’ll need to be observed over the next few days. You’re being pulled from work until you recover, which could take a while. No reading until I say so.”

You were taken aback to hear it all laid out. You were unsure how to respond. Staying at the clinic for a few days sounded horrible to you.

“Maria has offered to have you stay at her and Tommy’s until I give the ok for you to be on your own. Otherwise, you can stay here.” June concluded.

Your eyes darted to Maria, who was smiling kindly at you.

“Ellie also offered to have you stay with her, but I’m not sure she consulted with Joel on that” Maria added, smirking.

Joel looked surprised to hear this news but quickly schooled his face into a frown, glancing at a nervous looking Ellie as he did.

“You’re welcome to stay with us, but I think you’d be more comfortable with Maria” Joel said, avoiding your eyes.

You shouldn’t have been surprised that Maria wanted to help you, but you honestly were. You were even more surprised that Joel hadn’t shut down the idea of staying at his more harshly. In reply, you smiled and signed ‘thank you’ at both of them. You then signed ‘I’ll go with you’ towards Maria, despite your embarrassment at needing to be cared for.

“Great!” Maria replied. “If it’s ok with you, I’ll run over to yours and grab some of your clothes and a toothbrush. Is there anything else I should grab from over there?”

You timidly shook your head. You felt weird having someone else enter your space, but you had nothing to hide and your head hurt too much to figure out how to fight it. 

Maria took that as a cue to go and get a head start, leaving Ellie, Joel and June in the room with you. Joel looked uncomfortable and out of place, but strangely didn’t move to leave.

June stared at you for a bit. 

“I want to evaluate you better now that you are up, but to be honest I am not sure how since you don’t speak. I don’t want you writing, because focusing that hard could be worse for you.” June stated.

You felt shame run through you as you pointed your eyes to the ground. Speaking came so naturally for everyone else. It came naturally to you before. You’d done it for decades before all of this. You could hear a roaring in your ears and you focused all of your brain power on not letting your tears fall. 

The room had fallen silent following June’s words. After about 30 seconds of almost unbearable silence, Ellie piped up. “So… are you gonna check them out in any way or did you just want to say it to say it?”

Joel coughed loudly and June’s eyes widened. June looked taken aback, but not offended.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean anything by it.” June said kindly. “I was just trying to think through this a bit out loud. Why don’t I ask you a few questions that can be answered with a yes or no or a number?”

You gratefully nodded your hand ‘yes’ in reply.

“Do you remember how many times you lost consciousness since the injury?”

You confidently held up one finger before realizing that you actually couldn’t remember. Hesitantly, with your eyebrows pulling together in concentration, you started to put up another finger with the first. 

“It’s ok if you don’t remember. You can also answer that you don’t know.” June encouraged. “Did you vomit at all?”

You shook your hand ‘yes’.

“How many times?”

Feeling confident again, you held up one finger. Movement caught your attention from the corner of your eye, and you saw June look to Joel as well, who you realized was shaking his head ‘no’.

Your mouth opened in surprise. Could you really not remember? Suddenly feeling dumb, you looked at your hands.

The questions went on for a while, and by the end you felt humiliated and exhausted. June excused herself to write down some instructions for you.

“You did really well today. You’ll be ok. I’m sure you’re just in some pain.” Joel said quietly, surprising you.

You looked up at him and smiled in thanks. Ellie inhaled as if to tack on another sassy comment, when the door opened revealing Maria.

“I dropped off some of your stuff with Tommy at the house. Do you want to try and get over there now or do you need to rest first?” Maria asked.

Despite your exhaustion, the thought of staying in the clinic longer made you uncomfortable. Doctors had always made you nervous in a way that you were probably too old to still be feeling after all these years. You quickly signed that you wanted to go.

Maria nodded, understanding. 

“What did Charlie say?” Ellie asked.

Maria raised her eyebrows. “Charlie?”

“It’s what Eugene calls them and said it made ‘em smile the first time,” Ellie said, shrugging.

“Hmm.” Maria said thoughtfully while looking into your eyes with intensity. “The signs that I knew were ‘I’ ‘want’ ‘go’ ‘now’” she added, imitating the signs you had used.

Ellie repeated the signs while speaking, looking to you in validation. You nodded and smiled at her. Out of the corner of your eye, you saw Joel attempting to subtly try the signs out as well. You bit the inside of your cheek to keep your smile from growing.

Walking all the way to Maria’s house turned out to be a harder task than you anticipated. You were thankful for Maria’s arm interlocked with yours and for Ellie on your other side. Joel was hovering behind you, keeping so close that it surprised you.

You stopped 5 times on the way to squeeze your eyes shut to try and stop the world from spinning. A block away from the house, you vomited again. You felt Joel’s arms grasp your upper body to keep you up.

“Aww, sick!” Ellie exclaimed.

This made you laugh and then cough a bit. You felt quite pitiful making your way up the front steps, but also proud that you hadn’t passed out again.

Maria’s house was comforting. It was lived in just enough to be cozy. 

“You’ll be staying on the first floor if that is ok with you.” Maria said. 

You were grateful that the door to the room was only a few steps away as you felt yourself fading. After Ellie and Maria deposited you on the bed, Ellie and Joel said goodbye and Ellie promised to visit you soon. As she left, you reflected on how much space the girl now took up in your heart after only a few interactions. You smiled, lost in thought.

“I know you are probably exhausted, but I thought you might want to wash up before you go to sleep again.” Maria commented. “There is a bathroom across the hall. Should I start a bath for you? I can help you in and out if you are comfortable with that.”

You weighed how tired you get against the itchiness on your skin. Taking a bath in front of Maria would feel vulnerable, but you weren’t sure that you could do it alone. After a small hesitation, you nodded your hand at Maria, who smiled and exited the room quickly. Moments later you heard the water turn on.

Looking around the small room, you noticed a bag from your house sat atop the dresser. You shakily stood and walked towards it. Unzipping the bag, you selected a shirt, sweatpants, underwear and socks that had never looked comfier. You took a moment to steady yourself on the dresser before beginning to turn around again. Maria stepped back in the room then, tutting at you.

“You were supposed to wait for me.” She said as she moved to help you towards the door. 

She thankfully gave you some privacy so you could go to the bathroom before your bath. While you were washing your hands, you looked up and caught your own eye in the mirror. You were shocked at your reflection. Your face was covered in streaks of dirt and a bit of blood, that looked like someone had tried to wipe off a bit after some of it had dried. There were the beginnings of a dark bruise forming along your cheekbone and your lip was split. It was hard to focus, so you quickly finished washing your hands and used the toothbrush Maria had brought from yours to wash out your mouth. You opened the bathroom door again to find Maria standing patiently with a towel, a washcloth, and a stool.

You smiled as you let her slip past before you closed the door again. You took a breath before moving your hands to the bottom of your shirt. About halfway through lifting it over your head, the pain in your ribs decided it would not tolerate being pushed to the side anymore, forcing you to hiss and drop your arms.

“You don’t accept help easily, do you?” Maria commented, moving to help you.

She was respectful and didn’t make you feel too uncomfortable as she helped you undress and lower yourself into the bath. You were pretty sure that without Maria’s help, you would have split your head open trying to lay down, so you signed ‘thank you’ for what felt like the 100th time today.

The warm water not only began to wash away the grime, but it was helping some of your pain as well. You felt your muscles relax a bit and you sank lower into the water. 

“You have a big fan club, you know.” Maria said, handing you a washcloth.

You frowned in confusion at her.

“A lot of people were worried when you came in, slung over that horse.”

You huffed and rolled your eyes lightly. You weren’t close with many people in Jackson. They probably would have been worried to see any human body slumped across a saddle. You’re sure it wasn’t a pretty sight.

“I’m serious!” Maria exclaimed. “Don’t belittle your worth here. I am so thankful that you are a part of this community. A lot of people are.” 

You looked down, focusing on cleaning your skin so you wouldn’t have to think too hard about the effect of her words.

“I know it must be hard. Having a communication barrier on top of everything else at the end of the world.” She said, smiling at you as she grabbed a cup from the counter. “Can I help with your hair?”

You nodded lazily, sitting up and hugging one of your knees slightly, (one of your legs was propped up slightly above the water to not get your stitches wet) feeling at least 30 years younger in this position, despite the pull of your muscles and aches from your fall. 

Maria kept speaking to you as she washed and rinsed your hair, carefully rubbing in the shampoo and moving away from any spots that made you wince.

“When I first met you, I kind of thought that you would start speaking within a day or two. It took me a while to understand that you wouldn’t. Probably even longer to fully accept it. Honestly, there is probably a part of me that still hopes.”

You chuckled in reply and signed ‘same’. Maria laughed lightly.

“I just feel like you are holding some scathing jokes back with all of your observations. Someday I’ll learn enough signs for you to tell me.” She said, waggling her eyebrows, causing you to exhale a laugh again. “You’re one of the people in this town I trust the most. I can’t quite say why. I’d leave my kid with you more readily than a lot of them. And I really do enjoy your company.” 

You could feel a few tears making their way out of the corners of your eyes as your nose burned. People rarely talked to you about you unless it was to ask questions that you couldn’t answer. Maria’s words made you feel more deeply the relationships your silence had robbed you of. You were grateful that it hadn’t robbed you of Maria’s friendship.

“Now that I think about that, I am wondering if that makes me a narcissist. I swear I like you for you and not just that I like hearing myself talk.” She said with furrowed brows.

This startled a full blown laugh out of you, and she joined in. After a moment though, the laughter hurt your head and your ribs and you clutched your head. Maria sobered instantly and suggested it was time for you to get out and lay down. You agreed. The process of getting out of the tub and getting dressed was somehow twice as hard as getting in, and you found that any self consciousness fell away as you focused all your energy on staying upright. It wasn’t like Maria hadn’t seen a body before. And this far into the end of the world, everyone’s bodies were covered in scars, big and small.

You were thankful when Maria finally helped you to lay down fully under the sheets on the bed, your eyes already fighting to stay open.

“I’ll be back to check on you while you sleep every once and a while. I’ll try to keep it consistent so I can help if you need anything as well.” Maria stated. “Sorry in advance for any baby screams you may hear.” 

Your lips turned up as you remembered the pudge on her baby’s face.

As your eyes slid closed, you heard Maria murmur “Rest” before the familiar click of a door closing lulled you to sleep.

Tag list:

@powellssaturn

[cardentist]

hallo, hi...sorry for probably asking something small. but i see you explain things very well and if its okay i wanna have a person explain this to me.

what's a transfem and transmac? i don't quite understand what those terms are. i think i see people use them in context different from just "trans man" or "trans woman"...and looking online i still don't really understand it.

if i am being a bother, please let me know!

@re-ikrmso

well ! the first thing to understand is that these terms will ultimately mean different things for different people !

labels are for people, people aren't meant to conform to labels. so ultimately people will have their own ideas about what different labels mean to them on a personal level.

it's kind of like how there really Isn't one firm definition that separates bisexual from pansexual, the distinction is largely personal and highly dependent on the context of an individual's life. their experiences, what communities they grew up and/or found themselves in, etc !

which ultimately makes it very difficult to give a definitive definition of labels like this that won't risk alienating people, or that other people won't simply disagree with.

THAT SAID.

to my understanding, "trans masc" as a term simply means anyone who is trans in a masculine way, while "trans fem" as a term means anyone who is trans in a feminine way.

for example:

someone who is a Trans Man is most likely someone who was assigned female at birth who then identified as a man (if you'll excuse the outdated terminology for convenience).

but trans Masc may include a variety of other trans identities !

a nonbinary person who transitions or presents in a masculine way may consider themselves trans masc, or at least consider them relevant in discussions about trans masc people, because they have similar experiences (such at with testosterone, bottom/top surgery, how they're treated because of their presentation, etc).

and this Can be true whether this nonbinary person considers themselves Aligned (meaning they are nonbinary in a masc direction) or Unaligned (meaning agender or completely separated from the gender binary). it's ultimately up to personal preference.

or an intersex person may be assigned male at birth And Be Trans Masc, may still transition (medically or socially) into a masc presentation.

they're also convenient terms for people who play further with gender. genderqueer people, genderfluid people, bigender people, etc.

because ! for instance. I am a trans masc person. I was assigned female at birth and I have identified myself masculinely. I would like to take testosterone and go through the social transition into a masculine person.

I also consider myself a trans fem person ! I would like to present femininely as well as masculinely, and importantly I wish to continue doing so after I HAVE medically and socially transitioned. after I've had my name changed, after I've had my legal sex changed, after my body and voice has changed.

there will be times where I will be visibly identifiable as a trans body presenting femininely, And I Like That. I won't just be presenting femininely as a man, I want to be both a feminine and masculine person.

and what this means for me is that I will share experiences with both trans masc And trans fem people, especially socially (and especially where I live, in the deep south).

but there very much so Does need to be a distinction between me (an afab person who is trans in both a masculine and feminine way) and a trans woman (an amab person who is a woman) (again, apologies for the outdated terminology).

and in that sense ! trans fem is a good way to get across the fact that I share Experiences with trans women, but am not one. in much the same way that amab nonbinary people can say the same.

so in other words ! trans fem and trans masc are umbrella terms that loosely connect multiple different sorts of people with similar lived experiences and needs. which is a convenient way of speaking About said needs and issues that may affect all sorts of these people in as efficient a way as possible.

instead of Specifying trans women and a list of other identities that may share things in common with them (a list that will never encompass every kind of person who may), you can shorten it to one more generalized term.

the Drawback of this is that not everybody sees the term that way. some people see trans fem and trans masc as identities in and of themselves that trans women and trans men aren't a part of. some people are people who Do share lived experiences with either trans men or trans women but don't consider themselves either trans fem or trans masc.

and that's like. Okay Actually. it's just expected that for any term that exists in queer spaces there will be people who don't like it or don't personally identify with it or just have a different experience with it.

but ultimately I do find it convenient to use and I choose to do so.

[barbthebuilder]

hey, it's alright if you cant answer this because i understand!

I'm having trouble with what my gender identity is, I'm afab, and i have always thought i was cis until early 2024. in jan i experimented with being genderfluid, as i realised how much i loved presenting masc and how it made me feel so much better being masc.

shortly after that, i had a weird feeling constantly while presenting masc or fem, where if i was fem i would just feel cis, but if i presented masc i would feel like i'm still cis but just dressing up. my solution to this was to choose a different name to the very feminine one i was assigned, so i chose charlie, which in my head is a very feminine name but also very masculine, based on the people ive seen with that name.

i decided on the lable nonbinary for a bit. (maybe 3 months or so) but when i was using just they/them pronouns i felt like i was missing out on the other genders i wanted to be, so i used they/he/she for a bit, which was fine.

i realised soon after that nobody was using he/him for me, so i dropped it because it felt like a waste and just used they/she, which made me extremely dysphoric, so i went back to they/them.

im currently using they/them, nonbinary, and dressing masc daily, (not wearing any makeup to avoid any dysphoria at all) BUT im also a lesbian. ive been a lesbian for about 2 years and im certain that i am, but can i be enby and lesbian ??? or any other lable and lesbian because thats another thing thats been making me feel weird about my gender

i know this is pretty confusing so if you dont know then i get it, no worries!! i hope you have a nice day :D

Yo, gender identity stuff can be pretty confusing so I don't balme you for feeling uncertian about all of this.

The experience of feeling like you basically fake being genderfluid is something I have dealt with in the early days too. You have identified as a woman for a very long time. It's natural that there is a part if you that rejects nonbinary thinking. You're just not used to thinking about yourself in other ways.

That too shall pass. Feeling like you're faking is temporary if you sureound yourself with good support system and reprogram binary thinking. That happened to me at least.

I can totally relate to feeling like you miss out on something while using they/them. I am personally fine with those pronouns but I much rather be called she or he.

Now, I want you to notice something. You expressed that the best set of pronouns for you that you experimented with was she/they/he. You stuck with those, however people did not use he/him for you. I said: "it felt like a waste". A waste of what? I wonder if there are other feelings involved here too. It just bugs me that you have changed such a big part of yourself beacuse of how everybody was treating you. Maybe the pronouns are not the problem here but how others use them on you.

You seem to be very uncomfortable with she/they and not fully yourself with they/them. Seems like the masculine part of you is a very important one. I don't think it would be true to yourself to reject or supress it.

I think the problem with realising what your gender identity is will be connected to your desire to conform. Don't ask yourself "will they accept me?" but "will I accept me?".

For example, you seem to be very strongly connected to your lesbian label but here you are asking complete stranger if you can use it. Are you a lesbian? If you want to, then yes. Don't try to be what others perceive you to be. Just. Be.

I'm not sure if this was helpful lol. Let me know if you want to! I'm always open to the chatter. Sending lots of love!! <33

[wearequeer-andwearehere]

hii there! :)

can i b a trans guy without medically transitioning? i cant for a good many years, but also,,, i dont want to (i have several adjacent health issues that would make it difficult, also i’m neutral abt my body - i dont really have dysphoria over it and it doesn’t bother me). but i’m terrified that i’ll never be taken seriously. i don’t mind being misgendered by strangers or acquaintances (i’d actually describe myself as genderqueer if i technically had to, it’s not the label i identify with but it makes the most sense like objectively. i’m happy w/ he/him but ok with they, she, etc), but i would like it if my friends would see me as a guy. but i’m also scared to even like, ask that of them. bc i really really don’t look like a guy, or even slightly androgynous, and i kind of have this sucky internal mindset that i won’t be seen as a real guy unless i make an effort to look like one, even though that’s not what i want. i’m working on it, but it’s also… my romantic life plays a big role in it. i’m currently identifying to a lesbian to my friends bc i like girls. and it’s just girls that i like. so if I live true to myself and do say that i’m a guy, I’m also like… who would want to date me, because i’m a guy who uses he/him pronouns and ‘male’ terminology like boyfriend, but physically, i have a lot of ‘girl’ features, like big boobs, and i don’t want bottom surgery either (neutral abt my body), so i just really don’t know. it’s really hurting me bc when i realised I was queer i thought I’d find a home in the queer community and i did, for the first time ever, but as I’ve thought about my identity a bit more all my queerness causes me is stress bc I’m constantly worried that no one not even other queer people will ever take me seriously or allow me to use the labels I use or will ever want to date me (bc… like, I’m not straight, but also how can I call myself a lesbian if I consider myself a guy? It’s all complicated, to me, but I feel like I’ll be ostracised from lesbians for not being enough of a girl — even though my gender is complicated and trans guy is just the best way to explain it and the best label that fits for me — and ostracised from trans people for not being trans enough and ahhhh I’m just. Really stressed about it all, and am constantly wishing I could just be true to myself, even within the queer community, but don’t know how to…

Hey, listen to me. You have a place in the queer community, okay? If you say you’re queer, you’re queer and we love and accept you.

Yes, you can ABSOLUTELY be a trans guy without medically transitioning! I understand with health issues it can be difficult for some people. However, you do NOT need to justify your choice to me, or to anybody, okay? If you don’t want to medically transition, then don’t medically transition! That’s the end of it. Being trans is about just being Not Cis. Transitioning medically is part of it for some people, but maybe it’s not for you, and that’s okay! You can still be trans.

A lot of queer AFAB people who start to realise they might be more masc aligned start feeling guilty, wondering if they’re predatory. I also experienced this. I used to identify as a bisexual girl, then nonbinary, then I started realising I felt more like a guy. I was terrified. I didn’t want to be a creepy straight guy, I didn’t want to make the women around me or women I was attracted to feel unsafe.

Eventually I realised, it’s not BEING MALE that makes you creepy, it’s being a CREEPY guy. It’s a mindset that’s a bit hard to put into words. Being male and being attracted to women is not inherently creepy. It’s only creepy if you’re weird about it, and it’s very easy not to be.

Some lesbians might ostracise you, that’s true. However, the vast majority of the lesbian community has a long history of transmasc and trans guy lesbians. The queer community is about love and support no matter your identity. You are loved.

Seeing someone as a certain gender because of their body parts is something people can get over. I might look feminine, but I know my friends and partner see me as a guy because that’s who I am to them, a friend, a brother, a boyfriend.

If your friends can’t see you as a guy because of something as unimportant as your body, then that’s on them.

“Who would want to date me” there’s people who would, trust me. Look, when you have low self esteem, especially if you’re trans and your self hatred is related to that, it’s hard to believe you’re loveable, but believe me, you are.

I still struggle with dysphoria and wonder why anyone would love me when I’m a guy but I feel like I don’t look like one, but my partner always assures me I’m loveable, and you deserve that too.

Trans people can find loving, caring partners who love you not inspite of your transness but because it’s part of who you are and they love YOU.

Kid, be yourself. You’re welcome in the queer community. Be true to yourself, be who you are, and you’ll find the right friends and the right partner.

I hope you have a good day/night, and I’m sending so so much love. May a ray of sunlight shine upon you sometime soon, my friend. Sending warmth <33

[gently-decaying-flowers]

i love my brother

but i feel like he’s a little black and white when it comes to gender identity- which is bizarre as he’s a trans guy

i’ve changed pronouns/gender identity/sexuality a lot because idk i’m younger and trying to figure out who i am and what feels right- and he calls me the most “inconsistent person he knows”

which kinda sucks

he told me he talked to my mom apparently about how i’d benefit from just calling myself genderfluid and i have two problems with that

1) i’m not out to my mom. i love my mom and she’s so supportive but i don’t want to come out until im sure because i don’t wanna change it up on her all the time. looks like he did that for me tho

2) genderfluid doesn’t feel right to me- at least right now. it’s not my label. i’m nonbinary/genderqueer atm and i don’t wanna change because of how he thinks i should identify

there’s also the added layer that he and his girlfriend are t4t- his partner was nonbinary for a long time and now they use they/she pronouns and identify as a fem nonbinary- WHICH IS SO COOL

but that means both of their gender experiences were a bit more binary- both leaning heavily away from their agab. i think because i still like feminine things (this convo arose last night because i showed him the swimsuit i was gonna get) and im not the more common “nonbinary androgynous” presenting person- or because i don’t lean fully away from more “feminine” things- he doesn’t really understand?

i think in his mind enby is either dressing masc if you’re afab or fem if you’re amab- or the like short hair, baggy clothes, genderless being aesthetic shown in media when it comes to enby people

and all the power to them! they’re valid and amazing as who they are, but when that becomes The Look for nonbinary people it can affect peoples acceptance of enbies who aren’t like that or can’t afford to be because of money, their home life, etc.

all this is sorta to say that you don’t have to listen to what the older queer people around you think you “should be” or what it “sounds like you are” even people who’ve been in the queer community longer have had different experiences than you- and shouldn’t dictate your interpretation of your own identity

also don’t feel bad about being inconsistent!! ever!!! i like telling myself:

maybe it is a phase but it’s not just a phase. it’s the phase i’m in and i deserve to explore it and have it be respected and feel valid, even if it changes

[tlou-reid]

Okay so your AFAB nonbinary Emily fic got me in my feelings. It was so good!!!

I have a request idea where the AFAB nonbinary reader starts dating Spencer and Spencer being Spencer is all reassuring and scientific like, “people have been using gender neutral pronouns for thousands of years. It’s completely normal.” And he likes to impress the reader with his research that he’s done after getting to know them

If that’s also too specific I get it

note 1: i love that you guys enjoy me writing nonbinary reader!! my best friend is nonbinary so being able to show love for your community means a lot to me <3 but did want to say i am not nonbinary and i encourage you to seek out and support nonbinary writers as well!

note 2: i am a full-time student so i am not spending a lot of time researching lol if this info is wrong its bc it was from a quick google search

Send more requests here

All Spencer could do was smile as you were rambling about your gender identity. He loved listening to you talk, almost as much as he loved the blush on your cheek as you told him how you preferred gender neutral pronouns, and how you viewed yourself. "Honey," he chuckled as he cut you off, "I understand."

"Okay because," you rushed out, "I've just been thinking about this a lot and I know some people think it's weird or wrong or doesn't exist or stuff." Your voice fell as you finished. Your heart was pounding in chest. You knew Spencer would never judge you, he was the kindest man in the world. But Spencer was just the first step. After coming out to Spencer, there would be never-ending cycle of coming out. Friends, families, coworkers, doctors, everyone. It was overwhelming.

"Did you know gender neutral pronouns have been around for a very long time?" Spencer inquired, cutting off your train of thought. "It's dated back to the 14th century, at least the written record is. The first recorded use was a French poem about a pair of brothers. One turns into a werewolf, he saves his brother from his uncle that is trying to kill him."

All you could do was listen to Spencer spew facts he had memorized. You offered a "really?" and let yourself be comforted by both his voice and his knowledge.

"Really!" he exclaimed as he continued, "And while not completely correct as Native culture varies from tribe to tribe, there is a general idea of a 'Two-Spirit', of someone who is neither male or female. The idea of this can be hard to describe as the definitions available have been made to fit traditional western culture, and Native American culture has different rules and roles attributed to gender."

He barely let out a breath as he finished, "And, after all, gender is nothing but a social construct. What you define gender as is even different from what I define gender as. We all have our ascriptions based on our own personal education, experience, values, and perspectives. So whatever you choose to identify with is completely and totally up to you! I will do whatever I can to make you comfortable, I hope you know that."

A pleasant smile spread across your face, "I do know that." He leaned forward, said a quick "good", and pressed his lips to yours briefly. "I love you."

[madmanbear]

“Theyfabs” and “theymabs.”

The words “theyfab” and “theymab” were coined by TERFs and then appropriated by transmedicalist FTMs on Reddit and 4chan. These terms were then appropriated by transradfems who claim to have originated them, but they did not. Cis radfems deserve credit for this.

Transradfems of today use the word “theyfab” to mean a non-transitioning female-born non binary person who presents as a cis woman but uses “they/them” pronouns.

Terfs invented this word for them, but it was quickly appropriated by the FTM transmedicalist community to describe a certain type of person we thought was annoying and cringe. Blue hair and weird piercings, pronoun pin because otherwise would be gendered as completely female, usually heavy makeup and cleavage showing, cringe yaoi fetishes, and so on. So called “theyfabs” would typically put “AFAB they/them” in their social media bios to indicate that they identified as trans but were still female, without explicitly saying the word female (though it is in the acronym, never written out all the way).

These folks would show up to our IRL support groups and interrupt people complaining about experiencing dysphoria, homelessness and domestic violence to complain about how “no one saw them as nonbinary.” That was usually the extent of their dysphoria and social discomfort. Most of them were completely happy with their gender presentation and sex, but wanted to be “seen as” nonbinary.

Some support groups I attended were entirely made up of these people, with maybe one or two transmasculine people—no trans women at all. They were usually the majority, so no one could say to them “straight people don’t know what non-binary means, they’ll either treat you as a boy or a girl,” or “maybe if you made an effort to look androgynous instead of dressing like an emo chick people would see you as in between genders but they’ll probably settle on one or the other.” Hate speech, as far as they were concerned. Could get someone banned from support groups, actually.

Truscum seethed in online communities about theyfabs. Since many theyfabs called themselves transmasculine (still do!) they “made us look bad,” and diluted the words “transmasculine” and “trans man” so much so that a lot of transfems and cis gays didn’t understand our identities anymore. Theyfabs were clogging up our support groups, and because their female identity (which they absolutely had) and their own conception of womanhood included being “AFAB” or female-born just like any cis woman, they’d say things that could be pretty transphobic. Some of them may have been closeted and longing to explore Transmasculinity, but most of them didn’t seem at all interested.

In some support spaces I frequented, “theyfabs” would occasionally try to argue with trans men about their feelings, as if they were trying to talk trans men out of having gender dysphoria. They’d say uncomfortable things about surgeries, or body shame transmascs who went on testosterone. Considering the current transradfem discourse about theyfabs, I am not surprised there were no transfems in the groups which had so called “theyfabs” as the majority.

“Theymab,” is a term used for cis men who put he/they or they/them in profile in order to seem woke but who present as otherwise completely male and conventionally masculine. These guys are all over gay/lesbian dating apps and in queer or leftist spaces. Sometimes they’re eggs but mostly not, mostly they are chasers who want proximity to the trans community and are banking on many of us being idiots.

Theymabs weren’t targeted or complained about as often by the FTM truscum community. Theymabs are both a Left wing phenomenon and a Grindr phenomenon, neither of which most transmedicalists were familiar with at the time. At the time, truscum were still gatekeeping sexuality and gender presentation in some spaces, so there weren’t a lot of men who slept with other men, and I probably don’t have to explain the Leftist part.

Though I deeply resented “theyfabs” when I was young, I now actually really like them. They usually have good politics, are generally non-threatening, will respect pronouns, seem to genuinely make an effort to be an ally to the extent any cis person can be, they vote in our favor and they’ll show up to protests. I can now appreciate their “cringe” aesthetic and can now recognize that hatred for their alternative style is often fascist-adjacent. “Theyfab” folks are actually pretty great people.

They need to stay out of our dysphoria support spaces, though. That I won’t budge on.

[our-nonbinary-experience]

Hi everyone! I wanted to share my nonbinary experience here (about realization, coming out, and transphobia (TW!).

So... my experience is that I didn't come out as trans at school when I had an opportunity. I identified myself as transgender man or demiboy. I wanted to tell my identity to the school psychologist and ask her to say it to the director, but... I talked about my gender identity to our psychologist, but I didn't want to come out to the entire school. I just felt scared or idk, ashamed, maybe. And I left...

After some time, I realized I was nonbinary (and not demiboy as I thought). I got more confident with the label. However, I use he/him as pronouns and two names which are typically male (but I wanna have a genderneutral body); I don't mind, though.

I think now I'm not ready to come out, in spite of me knowing my label. I might not be bullied (it's not that common in a place where I live, luckily), but I know some of my classmates are very LGBTQ-unfriendly (and especially transphobic), and they would purposely misgender me and and point at a biology book with the phrase, "There are only two sexes, you're a girl (I'm AFAB), stop it!!!"

Maybe that's for better for my safety that nobody knows the truth about me. However, I am absolutely devastated by people calling me female, forcing me to take PE lessons with girls (my country has gendered these types of lessons), call by my "real" name and she/her, etc... And what if I'm not even nonbinary and just faking it?..

Sorry for this. I thank you all for reading! Thank you, the admin of this page, I absolutely love this place! Thank you!

Being misgendered is rrally difficult, but don't force yourself to come out if you don't feel ready! If you wanted, you can try telling a few close friends who will be supportive, as a first step!

[nalyra-dreaming]

replying to the "It happens with a lot of fandoms with m/m one has to be the “woman” the other the “man.”"-Anon... It seems to me that many fans wanting exclusively twinks in their queer media don't realise that gay men DO present super masculine quite a lot. Gay men come in hundreds of types and most of them look like everybody else. They just as often look like your garden variety H&M Realness undistinguishable from the next guy, as a perfomatively masculine bearded lumberjack, as a not-a-hair-out-of-place business bro in too tight Hugo Boss slacks, as a queercoded hypermasc San Fran Retro Fantasy biker daddy. What's exclusively reserved for cishet bros is casual sportswear, but then again, Rule of Thumb: if sportswear is worn ironically or as fetishwear, you can safely assume the boy is gay. Of course twinks exist, but many of them dress very casual, jeans and a t-shirt because what more do you need when you have This Face? Many of the flashy hyper-femme twinks are nowadays able to come out as nonbinary rather than male. ANY of these described above could also be trans and not men at all. All the generalizations come with exceptions, and there are no rules. Please don't take this paragraph too seriously. My take - to get back to heteronormativity in gay relationships - is that many fans project heteronormative gender roles on their faves so they can self-insert. Example: "if Lestat is the woman, and I am a woman, then I can be Lestat! Yay!" This happened a lot when we had much less interesting female characters in media. Queer fandom is 90% afab fans but (feels like) 90% about amab characters. Nowadays writers are challenging that, but tradtionally, a character as interesting as Lestat rarely used to get written female. Of course we're going to identify with the cool male character instead of the boring female love interest, duh! And then we're going to look for markers we can relate to in that male character. Plus, there's just something refreshing about seeing cishet actors transcend gender boundaries. And as much as projecting gender roles on to fictional characters can SOUND really heteronormative now, in five years' time that fan's egg might have cracked and it turns out they don't want Lestat to be female-coded at all, but the character's presentation helped them realise they were transmasc all along and the last thing they want is heteronormativity, just representation. I'm not saying it's true for everyone, just that it has happened! *waves* Tldr; gender is a colour wheel.

:) Indeed.

[actuallylorelaigilmore]

birthday and pronouns and fascism, oh my

since my birthday means it was time to update my blog bio, @actuallylukedanes made the excellent suggestion that i also post about it.

cuz while i needed to update my age (woo, a round number! maybe it won't take me six months of adjusting to remember how old i am, for once!) and i update my blog title constantly, sometimes more than once a day, lol...i also finally updated my pronouns.

so if you've known me for years or just happened by my little corner of the internet cuz you saw something you like, i don't know about you but i'm heading into my yeah maybe we're all gonna end up dead or imprisoned but i'd rather fight some fascists era as this coming year approaches.

so i'm here to support (and as much as i can, protect) my family and friends and people who need help, and i understand the battening down the hatches of every person who has to be more careful now, who can feel the precarity of their rights and safety more acutely than ever. i'm also worred about my own rights and safety, as a disabled queer mentally ill fat person in the world, whose only income is ssdi and only safety net is (wonderful, yet piecrust-precarious) community.

but i remain the same person who was labeled both 'ornery' and 'little miss contrary' by my grandmother as a child, and i suspect that's why my response to the truly horrific possible futures we could be heading into is Time To Get Louder Then. i don't plan to take ill-advised risks, but i also have no interest in quieting myself down.

therefore! since i have, for life/mental health reasons, ghosted my own blog for so long that i kind of didn't post through a lot of developments, i am here to say that my bio update includes pronoun changes because, well, pronouns (like people) change. though i haven't actually changed so much as figured out more accurate descriptors, over the last little while.

i've said on here for years that my gender is 'person wearing a red shirt at target' and that still feels true, because my identity is less a firm, specific thing than it is a lack of a thing. as somebody afab and socialized that way, some descriptors don't bother me at all, like terms of endearment from people i love. and broad common female pronouns (she, here) feel more clinical, somehow, as if that degenders them a little. whereas ones like 'ma'am' and even 'female' feel *more* gendered.

idk why that is, or why things that feel girly to me grate on my brain in the first place. but in my 20s and 30s, i couldn't explain why i identified as gay or queer yet was deeply uncomfortable with 'lesbian.' now i know, and as much as it feels like further complicating my descriptors (i've already got 5 different disorders! i contain multitudes!) it's a huge relief to have the language.

some of which, also wasn't new. i think i found the term agender a while back, at least a few years ago. i'd never seen a description that fit me before, not quite so well. i identify as lacking gender, wanting to exist outside of the recognition of gender--i understand the different gender labels/norms and respect them for other people, however they identify...but for me, gender feels like a lie.

it's only within the last year sometime that i finally figured out, with the help of resources via my best friend, that being agender fits under the nonbinary umbrella, which can also fit under the umbrella of trans. i've never thought of myself as someone with gender dysphoria, and that gave me this huge feeling of 'identifying as trans would be claiming something i have no right to.'

so i had to think about that a while. i had an epiphany moment (thanks to the barbie movie, of all things) where i had a physical reaction to a thing as if it were an attack directed at me. that was when i realized i may not feel like i have the right, thanks to internalized stuff, to call myself trans--but i feel part of the community whether i say it or not. and even though i don't mind 'she,' anytime my best friend refers to me with 'they' it gives me a little glowy feeling.

so, again, this might not be huge news for all of you. a lot of you have been my friends for years. but it's nice to officially add agender to my 'asexual queer-romantic' breakdown, and mentally expand the umbrella of where i fit, and with who. and it feels like well past time to do it publicly.

[askanonbinary]

Hi, so I think I might be non binary, but im really confused. When I was younger, I sort of had this image for myself, I wanted to be a woman, with a man, and have kids, but now that I think about it, it never really felt right, I think I just wanted to fit in with society, I didn't really like anyone and barely even knew what gender was back then, and didn't know being queer was a thing. I mean i still dont properly tbh. Also what the heck even is gender, because, I mean, I don't feel right being a girl or a guy, and I know i feel more comfortable being a girl (I am afab) but at the same time being a girl doesn't feel right either. Like almost I prefer presenting as more stereotypically masculine but I prefer more feminine terms, like pretty etc, but my gender feels neutral. Is that valid? I mean i still prefer to be more girlish, so am i just faking it? Or maybe i dont prefer to be considered as a girl but ive just always been seen as one and i live in a cis and heteronormative society, and im only trying to be female so i fit in? I mean, i don't even know why I feel more gender neutral, considering I don't really even understand what classifies you as a certain gender. Also i don't like guys I don't think, I think I just used to think I liked them because I identify with them more, but then my first 'girl crush' turns out to be genderfluid/non binary, but I still like them, so how does that actually work. Like I don't really get how some genders don't feel attractive to me but others do? How do I not like men but like basically anyone else? And how do I even go about being queer, or figuring stuff out, or just maybe even acting more comfortably with my gender, im so confused? Im sorry if that sounds weird, I'm only recently discovering I'm queer, and don't really know how to go about it, plus my family aren't very understanding and I dont have many queer people around me that I can ask for advice, all the other queer people I know are only starting to figure it out too, I have no idea what or who I am yet, is that valid?

; well firstly I'd like to say you're going to feel confused for a while, because this is a new and confusing process. Often when someone grows up in a world with desires and expecations set by others ( get married, have kids, etc like you mentioned ) plus the additional how you should be / act ( be cis, be straight, etc, ), it's really confusing to then realize you don't fit into these very restricting boxes. And so genuinely, don't feel bad for being confused and for being complicated. Those are probably the most " normal " ( as in, common ) things you could be really. Difference is the most common thing there is, so don't stress that you don't fit into one or two neat little boxes ! No one really does do they

; secondly, how you feel about your gender vs how you like being referred to & expressing yourself are all three separate things, sometimes they're similar sometimes not. But if you feel neutral, but prefer feminine terms while also wish to present masculinely, then that's okay ! You're okay to be that and to feel that, totally okay. ( also side note: what " classifies " you as a certain gender is whether or not you want to be classified as that gender, simply speaking. You want to be nonbianry ? You're nonbinary. Want to be a girl ? You're a girl. Want to be a mix of both or three or four ? Then you're that ! And everyone is going to be nonbinary, etc, a little differently. There's similarities and common experiences but it's your identity, so it's going to be specific to you !! )

; thirdly, when realizing you're nonbinary ( and / or when beginning to question your gender at all ) often orientation comes after, and vice versa. ( I know that the moment I found out liking people other than men was an option, I wondered if being a man was an option too and then it simply took off from there and now I'm where I am today: just as confused as I was before much more confident that even if I don't always have the right label, I'm comfortable being me in whatever phase " me " is that day or even that minute, and if that changes then it changes ! ) So if you right now don't feel attraction to men, you don't feel attraction to men ! And I get it, knowing " why " or " how " you like one gender but not the other is confusing, especially with how diverse gender is in the first place. But just, trust that you know what you want, and stick to that while navigating all these terms and experiences !! You'll get through the initial panic, don't worry.

; and fourthly, it's not weird or anything: this is literally the place to ask questions about these sorts of things, and if anyone is going to understand your experiences even just a little it's going to be the people who went through / are going through them too. So no worries about that !! And if the people you're asking questions from answer back with a question themselves, you can find the answers together.

; and lastly: you're valid, your identity is so valid and it has been forever. No matter how confusing or complicated or different it is, it's valid. Even if you never 100% find a label / labels that describe you fully, you're still valid ! And your identity sure as heck is real, I mean it's your identity and it's right there. Seems real and valid enough to me no ?

; good luck figuring out your identity and everything else, and I wish you luck on being confused !! :]

- Mod Xela

[darker-than-darkness]

Little rant about getting an autism/adhd diagnosis as a person under the trans* umbrella.

Right of the bat: I am (as of now) only self-diagnosed, with strong suspicions of autism or possibly audhd. My psychiatrist agrees, but can not give me that diagnosis without consulting a therapist. Nonetheless, I will refer to people of the above mentioned minority (unfortunately) as a collective “we” for easier accessibility.

I also identify as nonbinary and transmasculine, using they/he pronouns and I have had my coming out as trans* in 2015, albeit mistaking my identity as genderfluid in the beginning. Since 2020 I have been labeling myself correctly, had my social and public coming out and was even able to get my name recognized by my university.

I am certain of my identity, hence why I feel like I can speak for the trans* community. As mentioned above, I’ve completed my social transition, whereas I am still awaiting a proper referral for surgeries and a legal change.

I also want to apologize in advance for my language potentially being a bit too scholarly for a site such as tumblr. I am a university student of English and American studies and this comes naturally with the occupation. I also feel it helps me get point across more distinctively and precisely. I will however try to give examples to illustrate my thoughts.

That being said, here’s my main thesis:

I feel like we do not get enough recognition and struggle more to get diagnosed in the first place. Let me elaborate.

A lack of therapists worldwide makes it nearly impossible to get diagnosed with anything these days, but self-diagnosis after extensive research gets devaluated and ridiculed.

Whilst autism in cis women has started finally getting the recognition it deserved (don’t get me wrong, this is amazing) and cis men have been able to get a diagnosis often at an early age, we are a blind spot in the field of psychology.

It is impossible to get a therapist specializing in both gender and neurodiversity, even though they are closely linked. You have to weigh out which of the topics you want to tackle first, whilst both need to be regarded together, not separately. Therapy for both has the purpose of saving a life, but is impossible to achieve.

For the past three years I have been trying to get a therapist. I live in a big city in Germany, and whilst therapy is covered by public health insurance, many are unable to find any therapist, let alone a suited one. The one or two (out of the hundreds that exists) have long waitlists of a year and above and whilst you can pay for therapy sessions, many students like myself, who live on the bare minimum, can not afford paying 300+ Euros a month that weekly sessions would cost.

I also feel like many of us get disregarded for our special interests, hyperfixations and other symptoms. They can vary so much from those of cis women and/or cis men. We many times show symptoms of both cis men and cis women, many times show neither or ones exclusive to trans* individuals.

Of course these symptoms always vary greatly from individual to individual, yet especially in those who are afab or amab they get overshadowed or falsely attributed by/to the many mental illnesses/symptoms we have because of not identifying with the gender we were wrongly assigned at birth. I will come back to those mental issues in a bit.

I, for example, share a special interest for makeup and fashion, stereotypically seen as more feminine interests, and a special interest for motorcycles, cars, wrestling and many other stereotypically male interests. These are obsessive and hinder me in everyday life.

Not only are stereotypes harmful wherever they may apply, them being seen as such, they get disregarded as special interests/hyperfixations that come with neurodivergence. The symptoms are ignored and wrongly attributed (those aligning with the gender you were assigned at birth) or not attributed at all (those that not aligning with the gender you were assigned at birth) to a potential autism/adhd diagnosis.

However, some special interests/hyperfixations I’ve observed in many trans* people are those relating to the struggle unique to trans* individuals. They can include trans* or lgbtq+ rights, politics in general, the science behind being trans*, activism, hate crimes, police violence, gender reassigning surgeries and many others.

I suppose we, as those these issues relate to in many ways, naturally have a closer connection/desire to indulge in these topics in detail. However, this, once again, gets disregarded and not attributed to the neurodiversity but rather the issues with gender.

Coming back to a point briefly mentioned above, many of us have been wrongly diagnosed many times within our lives. Many of the symptoms naturally coming with everyday life as a trans* person have been signed off as standalone diagnoses. These include depression, anxiety, body dysmorphia, anger issues, escapism, low self-esteem and self-worth and even suicidal/homicidal thoughts.

The collection of wrong diagnoses throughout ones life, if one is lucky enough to have a therapist in the first place, comes naturally with both being trans* and having autism/adhd. This not only stems from the lack of knowledge in the healthcare system, but also the struggles we experience.

I, for example, have had both a diagnosis for social anxiety and depression through my teen years. Looking back, unsurprisingly so. I was bullied to oblivion for being outed (as both trans* and bisexual) whilst growing up in a small, Christian town. I say being outed, for both times I have been outed by those I wrongly assumed to be my friends/allies.

Transphobia and homophobia were part of my everyday life. Most human interactions I had were horrible, causing me to struggle with low self-esteem. Being ridiculed daily plus getting my trust broken so often, together with an immense burden of being overwhelmed by the noises of a school classroom caused me to go mute for most of 8th and 9th grade. I’m assuming I do not have to explain the concept of selective mutism to those reading, but this is what eventually caused my social anxiety diagnosis.

Of course, someone being bullied constantly plus struggling with severe personal trauma (I do not want to elaborate this, for it is beyond the point) will feel sad, have meltdowns (I would throw things around my room, clear my desk with my arm, punch walls and have yelling fits) and cry constantly. I was ostracized for being “the weird kid” with “weird hobbies and interests” and the loneliness made me extremely sad. Naturally, a depression diagnosis came my way.

Now, I am not saying people can not have multiple diagnoses. I, myself, do and many others do as well. Not only do many people have both autism and adhd, many people also have further mental illnesses that make their life hard.

I, for example, have been diagnosed with bipolar in my early adult years (around age 18/19). It is genetic in my case, but ever since taking medication for it, I have been doing much better. That, however, has not calmed the symptoms I personally attribute (potentially) to “my” autism/adhd. They are also not side effects of my medication, that has been ruled out.

Talking about the health system brings me to another huge flaw both people with neurodiversity and trans* individuals struggle with. Organizations and officials meant to help letting us down, failing us and making us the problem.

It starts with the health system. Simple things like autism in adults (no matter their gender identity, but especially for cis women and trans* people) not being diagnosed properly, being trans* still being (mainly legally) considered a mental disorder in many countries and vital health treatments being denied are quite literally killing us.

The suicide rates in trans* and neurodiverse people are at an all time high, the US is infuriatingly going back in history with their law-making and removing safe spaces whilst simultaneously endangering trans* individuals. That possibility of being hatecrimed both for not being cis as well as being neurodivergent has risen drastically. It shocks, angers and saddens me.

As an individual living in Germany, we might have public health insurance but not enough therapists, as previously elaborated. This and trans* people still having to go through multiple discriminatory processes to even get their gender recognized are just a few examples.

Of course we are often also failed by politicians, law makers, courts, police and any other institution that is there to defend and uphold democracy. If we even are lucky enough to live in a democratic state and not a monarchy with a power hungry heir or a state claiming to be democratic whilst their leader is clearly a dictator. (Looking especially at Russia, here.)

In Germany, for example, the government had promised to simplify the process of legally changing your name and gender by April of 2024. So far it has not made any progress whatsoever and with openly right-wing parties on the rise in most states the chances of it actually happening are minimal.

There is also a huge issue with police and not understanding who they’re protecting versus pursuing. Autistic people are often seen as aggressive in their meltdowns, causing them to be detained even when not the culprit whatsoever. Trans* people often have to let people from their opposite gender perform invasive and humiliating searches on them, something a cis person legally can contest. But we are not as lucky.

Some of the worst institutions when it comes to accommodation are schools. Trans* and neurodivergent students often get picked on by their teachers (for example through misgendering or being called upon even in their mute/overwhelmed stages). Trans* and/or neurodivergent students often get reprimanded for causing trouble, even when not the perpetrators. Neither the teachers nor headmasters seem to really care.

I have a more distinct anecdote for this one. I distinctly remember getting suspended from school for two days and having to come to the headmasters office with both of my parents in 9th grade. When I was in my teen years I had an admittedly unhealthy hyperfixation (I call it this for it was obsessive and involuntary, beyond my control and took my focus of school and any other responsibilities.) on school shooters, particularly Columbine. This was in 2015, so before liking True Crime became normalized.

Of course, as any teen I scribbled on my desk in school. Unfortunately scribbling the nicknames of the Columbine shooters was not the smartest idea. I didn’t understand that at the time, however. My sociology teacher saw after some students had told on me. I was sick that day and had no way of defending myself immediately. So instead my parents were called. I was in big trouble.

Not speaking with my classmates (due to my selective mutism) didn’t help. Neither did the fact that, due to my gender disphoria, most of my clothes were black oversized shirts, combat boots and cargo pants. I had short hair (that I had dyed black at the time.) and wore stark emo makeup. I not only fit the weird quiet kid in the back of the class stereotype perfectly but also dressed like the shooters I had been focusing on.

It was the second headmaster that called my mother. I have to give him a bit of a compliment here. His first question was not what I had done or what I was thinking. It was wether or not I was okay. (Which obviously, I wasn’t.) Unfortunately, reality looked very different when in the headmasters office.

The headmistress had returned from her vacation and absolutely tore me to pieces. She was convinced I was planning a school shooting myself. From telling me she should have just called the police, to telling me my behavior was unacceptable and inappropriate, telling me I vandalized school property (it was in pencil, I didn’t), to telling me everyone was afraid of me and all the school knew, she threw every accusation my way. It was not only intimidating, but I’ll always remember how much I had to mask in that moment.

Unfortunately the second headmaster didn’t help, telling me I should maybe look for happier interests, like flowers and bees. (Literally his words.) They didn’t understand, neither of them, that it was involuntary. I had no control over it. But neither did I. Back then, I didn’t know hyperfixations existed. I remember how guilty yet confused I felt, not understanding why everyone was so worked up about a simple scribble.

In retrospect I know the reason for the outrage. But never will I understand why on earth one would react so cruelly. The rest of my time there was hell. Half the school knew me as the person who planned a school shooting, stupidly believing I actually would. They didn’t know me, of course. Jumped to conclusions because I was different and didn’t fit in.

This school failed me hard time, just like the school before had. I’m still surprised I managed to finish tenth grade, with a friend in my class even. (We had bonded after I explained the situation to her.) I was lucky enough to go to a different school after a year of a mental health break, together with said friend who also had many issues with the school we went though, even though she was a neurotypical cis woman.

Moral of the story is: I am appalled how many times we get failed and disregarded.

But of course we do. For we, as trans* and neurodivergent people, have mastered masking. We had to pretend/were raised as a completely different person from who we actually are. Had to pretend to be and conform with a gender we were assigned at birth, even though we knew we never identified with. Had to pretend to be one of the neurotypical ones because we didn’t want to be even more different. We already didn’t fit in, neurodiversity was not something we needed.

Unfortunately, without a proper diagnosis, we never knew differently. Didn’t know why we always felt out of place, or why we suffered from constant imposter syndrome. How could we, when people constantly told us we were “normal” or “just a little sad” or “a bit of an outsider.” They didn’t see we needed help, even when the cries for help were as big as having morbid hyperfixations, injuring ourselves to fit the gender identity we wanted to fit (self-mutilation as well as wrong methods of for example binding).

No one helped us then.

And still, no one helps us.

Self-diagnosis is a last resort for many of us and many of us are not lucky enough to ever recognize who they truly are.

And that they’re okay the way they are.

I guess I’m writing this for the “weird kids.” The kids that were ridiculed for being different, the kids that never knew why they couldn’t seem to fit in. I see you. I used to be you. And only if we rise up, we cause an uproar, can anything ever change.

If you read this far I thank you. Feel free to leave comments, like, ask questions. My inbox is always open, also for anonymous questions.