#i also think my mom is possibly audhd

[robzombies-hotwife]

my mom the other day "i know we're all ADHD, but I think your older brother might also be autistic?"

me:

"oh, definitely"

[brucewaynehater101]

I wonder if Tim has adhd, every time I look at his stuff it’s like

•oh he’s so chaotic when nope that’s his normal state of being

•he is obsessive!! And? So what loads of people hyper fixate

•his life is falling apart, his stuff is a disaster. Nope that is just how it roles trying to live with adhd

•he sticks to schedules like there the best thing on earth! And so what if my mom deviates slightly from her schedule she ends up with nothing done and on a downward spiral just adhd

I like hcs with the Bats where it chats or explores how they might have different disabilities. I personally think most of them have chronic pain (from all the injuries they sustain, mental trauma, and harsh way they utilize their bodies).

I think Bruce, Tim, and Damian could have autism. There's also the possibility of Tim having audhd.

Dick might have ADHD.

All of them probably have cPTSD due to their nightlife and other life experiences.

This is where I should probably state I'm not a professional, so don't take my word as proof or whatever. It's just speculation.

Bruce might have a personality disorder, but not sure which one (also, please be cautious to not villainize any mental health disorders/conditions. Diagnosis does not equate whether someone is "good" or "bad"). The reason I think he has a personality disorder is due to the definition being someone's thoughts/behaviors deviating from "norm" to the point that it causes distress and issues with functioning. This is more about how he often implodes his social relationships. Feel free to hc something different, though

What other disabilities do y'all think each Bat may have?

[meet-the-coffee]

Tf2 McDonalds Headcanons: Coffee edition...

So, somebody posted a template thingy and I replied to that post. Here's my full thing with my own template made lmao,,

Link to inspiriational and original post here

So, my headcanons are like this:

Heavy:

I view Heavy as a pretty serious guy so I think he can go a little further up with Medic, yet not all the way still. He can once in a while "oke oke. Heavy could go for burger. Let's eat burger." And then chuckle. But he's very much born and raised with responsibility with his mom and sisters. He's responsible and nurturing. That is his nature behind that solid mountain of a man. (Read: official comics) This man starts ordering and he doesn't stop ordering /hj,, no but fr I think like, he, alone, orders for 3 people to eat for himself. The rest stares in horror and/or awe.

Medic:

Medic is peak "ve havf food at home. Quiet down nowv, QUIEEET."

Engie:

Engie should be middle between "we have food at home" and the chanting. I think he's the mom of the group a lot of the times (cooks and bakes for the team in my hc) but I think he would very much also like to bring the "kids" to mcdonalds sometimes because why not!! So mid right it is. Probably orders some burger and a coffee. Sometimes a water or sooometimes some soda.

Demoman:

Demoman is a drunk. Drunks love fat food. Him and Soldier are dumbasses and I view them as being quite child-like like this. Demo and Soldier are absolutely chanting for burgers. But also, I think Demo is just a sliiight bit more responsible (he's mama's boy!!) Demo orders a wholeass meal ok. Something with lots of meat and bacon and cheese. Drink? Bro drinks beer. He tries to order a beer. He does not get a beer. He shrugs and chugs the beer in his hand.

Soldier:

On that note, I see Soldier as a sliiight bit more possible to go HELL YEA BURGERS, drive the fking bus in via drive-through and go "FIVE CHEESEBURGERS AND A COKE. A REEAAL AMERICAN COKE... YEAHAH." And then eat all of the burgers for himself. He's not rude he's just oblivious lmao,, not many braincells scrambling around in there.

Pyro:

Scout and Pyro are absolutely screaming for mcDonk. Pyro wants happy meal. He fucking loves the toys. He collects them, even. Keeps him occupied in the car lmao... he always orders a milkshake. Maybe strawberry flavour.

Scout:

Scout orders a 20-box of chicken nuggets (like me!!) Or the big McShare-box with different stuff like chili cheese tops, nuggets and chicken clubs, (also like me. We both audhd as hell ok) and always a coke and/or a milkshake. (Sometimes he wants both!!)

Spy:

Spy doesn't give a fuck, he gets a coffee. He just needs a coffee to be able to withstand the drive home with the bunch of toddlers in the backseat. Only chance they get to order something is if Scout bounces in (after experience from first or second time) to go "AAAND AY UHHHHHH--". Spy scoffs in annoyance and tells him to sit down and shut up. Scout does neither. He wants chicken nuggets. But first few times, Spy really just sighs at the chanting, throws his finished cig out of the crack in the window, and exits the highway for mcdonalds. And then he just goes "one black coffee please." And they go "anything else?" And he just goes "Mercí, that'll be all." And start driving for the next window before they even tell him to (more to do so before anyone interrupts and protests).

Sniper:

Sniper is below middle on the left line - between . On occasion he's like "fk sake." And goes for a coffee and probably elbows Scout in his possessions before he can do what he does to Spy. And then after paying and driving off with his coffee, he just coldly goes "Like I said. We have food at home." Like Spy, he just needs a coffee to survive the drive home. And not get an impulse to drive straight off the road into the cliffside.

[Bows bows]

Thankuthanku, that'll be all !!

[dysfunctionaldogdude]

You have cursed yourself with rambling. This may also lowkey be a vent but I'm unsure. Also hihi!

Autism support needs are hard for me to understand. To be fair a lot is. I had to rant to another mutual about it.

I can't live on my own or get a job or drive. I rely on our mother a lot for things and like.. With taking care of myself I only know how to like. Cook small things, some hygiene (but I still struggle LOTS) and like.. Idk

I also dropped out of high school. 🥲

I'm thankful for everyone else though!! My headmates I mean. Tbf we all struggle but like. Better all of us help each other than me being alone??

(Also I was just crying about Peridot but she's fine so whoops)

- Yellow (giving you nickname perms /at all of you)

[I hope you don't mind us answering this publicly - we can private it if needed]

I'm not an expert in autism - I think we might have it [so AuDHD] but we are a psychology student and plan to go get a degree for it [for criminal profiling and such]

I get that, I have pretty bad anxiety so I haven't learned to drive and I can't ride a bike for the life of me [I want to learn but like urgh been through bad accidents / family has been hospitalized before]

I REALLY wish we could help you with cooking!! We love cooking and baking and know how to make a lot of stuff due to needing to help my parents to make meals as I got older

I could maybe give you instructions on how to cook quick easy meals, like FULL meals that can be healthy and balanced [and portioned nicely!]. For a treat I can also send my mom's banana bread recipe if you like that kinda stuff it's really yummy and easy to make [Mostly mixing then waiting]

For hygiene we actually use to struggle with it badly! Now we don't really [other than the occasional day or two] We use an app called "Finch" it's like a small motivation task app where you can go adventures with a little bird [a finch] :) mine is called Pancake - She's currently visiting Cairo!

This is what the homepage looks like and you can see some of my tasks! [And Pancake!] This app has been a BIG help and keeps it fun by the dress up options, collecting micropets and customizing her tree house!

You can set any task you need and set which days you want them to pop up! Also if you enable notifications you can get a notification for the task if you set a time to receive a notification! :) helps me remember to check in on her

Also it sucks you dropped out :( ngl the only reason we haven't is me being a stubborn mule and family pressure [hence why I'm going to college for something I'll be able to focus on and not suck - I love learning about psychology - and specifically aiming for criminal psych cause I kinda want to reduce the number of jerk offs in the business and fight fire with invisible fire 👹😼]

I'm glad you have your headmates!! I'm honestly so grateful for mine since they helped me get through my ex and Phyce [who's CONKED] helps me kinda not break down when we're in public. At the seams bro, unmedicated, no diagnosis for certain things, and no therapy so it's good to have people to help no matter how little - little can go a long way!!! [Also I really hope you have therapy if not I'm pretty sure there's a lot of free therapy programs around that you could possibly apply for! I'm on a few waiting list - well for gender affirmative therapy since I would feel physically sick otherwise 😅 /lh]

Also yippee nickname privilege:3c

[rorah]

Hi there!!! I love your artwork, it’s gorgeous!! It makes me so happy when I see your name on my feed!! The way you portray Byleth and Dimitri is beautiful.☺️

I saw your recent post about reading about autism, I hope it’s not intrusive or rude to ask, but may I ask which book you read about autism? I was curious about autism in myself and wanted to learn about it more but didn’t really know where to start.

Thank you & have a lovely week!!!

( ˘ ᵕ˘(˘ᵕ ˘ ) hug hug hug

/⌒つ⊂⌒\

Hello lovely anon 🫶✨ Your words make my soul so happy and put a big smile on my face it could hurt🥺 (but it's worth it becase it fuels me to keep doing things 🥰)

For autism, the book is part of a collection with a focus on neuroscience and psychology. And it's just one book focused on autism from the entire collection. In my opinion, it's too little for what the topic could cover from a biological perspective, but the book itself is simply an introduction to understanding autism in these biological aspects, as well as a general guideline of how its study has developed over the years, and other concerns that have been constant over the years (such as treatments and causes. Spoilers: There's no cure and research indicate that it is a mostly genetic condition, but there are still doubts about other possible causes).

Anyway, it's a collection in Spanish from 2019.

Personally, I think there is more information in English and much more up-to-date, since research on the subject continues. Unfortunately, I don't have any book recommendation in English that I can guarantee a broad and digestible understanding of the spectrum (bc I haven't personally read it lol). But I can recommend channels on YouTube (:'D), that recommend books (:'DD) about autism. And I can trust the information that these people spread; they are all adults who were diagnosed in their adult life.

The first one Mom on the spectrum (her whole channel is good too for approaching to approach to experiences and terms, and one of the only ones talking about the nerve system in Autism *still not full info tho*)

Katey One More Time (Ngl, I just found out this channel looking for books, but she tackles good point on what you'll find in each book, where to start and what to look for depending on your interest in the topic)

To start, I think those two videos about books is more than enough, but i'd like to recommend other channels that brings good info to the table, so you'll be able to choose the one that is more pleasant (or you connect the most) to you.

Yo Samdy Sam (AuDHD woman)

Autism from the inside (Previously Asperger man)

Orion Kelly-That autistic guy (purely Autistic Man)

Chris and Debby (AuDHD Man, my personal fav bc is funny)

Morgan Foley (AuDHD Young woman whose shorts are made to be relatable, and fun) And there's plenty more, but these are the ones that had helped me to navigate, understand, and relate in a personal level. I would also recommend the perspective from a professional (psychiatric/psychologist) But sadly, the ones I like don't specialize in Autism and therefore their knowledge may lack more updating. If it is a specialist in the spectrum, it will be much easier because they'd be focused on that area, but I only know one and it is in Spanish (Ernesto Reaño), perhaps you can activate the subtitles as a tool, but it is better to find one that seems pleasant to you. You can also read articles on internet. If you suspect you might be Autistic, start with that first book. Relating to a lot of Autistic people is also an indication, but you also be careful because we're all different and won't relate 100% to one another. Identify similarities between other conditions than can pass as Autism experience is also part of the thing. There are even test online that can help you look deeper if you score high in there. Anyway, hope, is not too much and helps you in your curiosity 😅 Have a lovely week yourself (and everybody else)🫰💗✨

[daandyli0n]

so. decided to draw some more realistic noses. think i did pretty well.

anyway!! the MCI kids in my Rewrite!

fun facts for y'all:

Naomi and Gabi were Liz's best friends before she died.

Baker absolutely loved Bonnie. favorite animatronic. he wanted to be a rock star when he grew up, just like his hero.

Baker never wore shoes anywhere. he also had these Animal Paw socks that his mom got for him that he also wore everywhere.

y'know the saying that's like "Queer people tend to form groups together, even if not all of them have realized they're queer yet"? that summarizes the MCI + Charlie and Cassidy (CC). to give some examples:

Gabi is actually transfem.

Baker and Naomi are aroace, but in different ways. Naomi thinks dating is gross and dreads Valentine's Day. don't get her wrong, getting cards and stuff is nice, but...Christ, can the boys get annoying. she's one of the popular girls, she gets it, but JESUS. Baker? well, for one, the kid's five. but he also just kinda doesn't care in general.

Felix's entire philosophy on gender is "I Don't Give A Shit; Call Me What You Want." kid does Not give a fuck, they've got other things to worry about.

Kelsey is also technically transfem, but never got to really explore that. he has brought the topic up to Cassidy before while they were dead though; "Do you ever have moments where you think you're not a boy?" "I mean yeah, but we're kinda busy trying to kill my dad, Kel-" take this as you will for what that means for Cassidy.

anyway, back to regular headcanons (i mean. if they're my versions of the MCI that are all basically ocs in this rewrite, are they really headcanons?):

Baker and Kelsey were really close to Cassidy, because their brothers (Mike, Jeremy, and Andrew) all knew each other and hung out.

not a single one of these kids are neurotypical. not a one.

Baker is specifically AuDHD (autism + ADHD). to everyone else he's just the most hyperactive kid with a Bonnie obsession in existence.

as y'all can guess, Baker was the youngest :(

Kelsey and Andrew don't have a great home life.

these kids were all friends with Cassidy before they all died.

Baker deals with that "fun" thing where you go into a room and forget why you're there and/or how you got there. it's why Bonnie seems to teleport. it's just because he wanders around and doesn't realize he's reached a place until he's suddenly there. scares the shit out of nightguards, though!

Baker thinks that he's done the coolest thing he could've possibly done; he's BECOME Bonnie. whether that's a coping mechanism for his current situation or he genuinely sees this as an upside is up to y'all.

Baker's surprisingly the least aggressive soul out of the others. he wants vengeance, but he can tell that these nightguards ain't the guy. his "aggression" is just him being a silly little guy, really. he just wants to play with someone!! unfortunately, being in an animatronic makes it much easier to kill someone. poor kid :(

Felix, aside from Cassidy, is the most aggressive. in his eyes, it was the employees' responsibility to keep his safe and from dying. William didn't even try to hide it when he took him. he was in view of the cameras and everything in that suit. and yet no one seemed to notice when he was taken. no one came to stop William from taking him to the back. him killing the nightguards has more to do with bitterness and anger at nothing being done to save him than vengeance against a killer he didn't recognize. he knows damn well who killed him, the kid's just pissed.

Baker recognized Jeremy when he was a nightguard, and didn't attack him the rest of the night. did fuck around with him, though. brothers, am i right?

Gabi really likes hiding under tables so that she doesn't have to talk to people. shy girl, y'know?

Naomi really likes dogs. she kept begging her parents for a dog and, while they promised her one, never got around to getting her a real one. guess how William lured her. Guess.

Naomi, like Susie, was the first of the MCI.

Kelsey liked to draw (and still does, as a ghost. although his drawings after death are less...cheerful, to put it one way)

[nd-babblinggoblinfromthevoid]

I wish that autism wasn't so heavily looked down upon/ignored/disrespected when I was growing up.

I was a "devil child", "handful", "problem".

When in reality if even minute changes were made in my environment and how my own family interacted with me, I would have flourished so much more.

I heavily stimmed using music. The repetitive beats and heavy bass was my thing. So when my mom wanted to punish me for something, one of the first things she'd do was take away my ipod/mp3 whatever I had. WORST thing was when she ONLY took my (very specific) headphones.

To her, it was taking away something fun. A luxury item. A toy basically.

But to me, it was taking away a very heavily ingrained stim that I NEEDED to do, and could not do without very specific criteria (specific headphones and a specific playlist/style of music)

So of course I would become horribly disregulated. Which I'd then have to attempt to mask/or recluse to avoid her so she wouldn't see how bad it unraveled me.

Because to her, being disregulated/unraveled was "acting up", "catching an attitude", "being disrespectful/rude".

Gods. Looking back I truly hate how she did me wrong in that way. Not just my stim but EVERYTHING. All my needs were either dismissed or half-met.

She is one of those people who thinks sure adhd/autism exists but not in HER family. Not in HER children. She even tried to blame it on the father of her children and it couldn't possibly have had anything to do with her.

..... we not only ALL have different fathers, but after observing both memories of her and her now, she is ALSO autistic and in total denial.

I definitely still harbor resentment because of that. She had me "evaluated". Once. At a time where they still heavily leaned on the male criteria for adhd, and autism wasnt really addressed/acknowledged unless it was severely debilitating. But also, by the time she had me evaluated, I'd already spent a few years (unknowingly) masking due to peers and family creating that need. So the conclusion was "there MIGHT be something divergent about her but we couldnt say for sure at this time" and she took that as "nope she's good, just a problem child. Carryon." Never again to be addressed.

She barely acknowledged that one of my brothers (previously a sister) was diagnosed adhd.

She only acknowledged another brother's adhd&autism diagnosis because the school he went to was very accommodating and insisted that he be evaluated and guess what.

Once he was diagnosed, and they rearranged his class schedules to fit his needs, he did a 180 and graduated top of his class. THRIVED. I both LOVE that he got that and HATE that I never did. I barely got through school.

It wasn't for lack of love of learning. I just, learned different, but was ALSO heavily overloaded with how crammed my courses were. I always wonder if I'd gotten the same accommodations, would I have thrived? Would school have been a drastically different/positive experience/memory for me? I'll never know. Because my mother was so against the idea that anything was divergent about me and absolutely mentally stuffed me into her little idea of an ideal neurotypical child that I never had a chance...

Now that I know I'm also AuDHD, like most of my siblings and even an aunt, I feel validated. I had seen vlogs and blogs about people more and more coming out about how they handle life and their coping skills and hacks theyve learned and after starting to apply those to myself... gods I've improved so much.

Don't get me wrong, I still struggle. But now knowing what issues are and how to cope and get around things, I'm a lot better off.

This is only ONE reason of several why my relationship with my mother has gone sour. What's sad is she doesn't really realize it yet? I havent been able to compose myself enough to have THE CHAT.

About how she hurt me a lot. Intentional or not. (Like not knowing taking away my music was taking away a stim) I don't know how to have this chat. Tbh I thought about writing a longass letter. Because in the past whenever she's been confronted about anything she's done wrong, she spirals into defense mode and wont even entertain the conversation beyond that point and you get... nowhere.

So maybe in person the bulk of the talk wont happen. I feel like. I need to hand her a letter. Have her read it. And maybe have a succinct chat before parting ways.

Because I wanted to be close to her for so long, that I either didn't realize or knowingly ignored her problem behaviors and looking back... she just... gods that's a whole other post for the future....

If you've read this far thank you. If you've had similar familial experiences, lmk (if you're comfy)

I just....... *sigh*.... yep.

[lowcallyfruity]

forgive me if this has been answered already, but do you have any sebek headcanons? thank you :)

EEK!!! I DO!!! I have a lot actually 😭😭😭 I loveee Sebek so I think about him a lot :3

Hcs under the cut <3

Okay ☝️ first we’re gonna start with my WOKE headcanons 😍

I hc Sebek as Uranic!!! (Simple but I like it :3)

I also HC him as Egyptian and Mexican!!!

He has Audhd (and a more recent hc of mine BPD and NPD)

😢😢 one thing about me is I have stim Hcs for my neurodivergent characters sooo yeah ummm I’m gonna share a few :3

Yelling and being loud is a stim but it’s also because he has bad impulse and volume control!

He grunts and coughs a lot and also grits his teeth

He has a lot of stims using his arms like clenching his fists, cracking knuckles, flapping his arms/hands (something he picked up from Malleus) and moving his arms a certain way

A lot of his stims include his mouth of arms/hands!

Most of his stims he keeps to himself, especially the ones that draw attention/are disruptive

He chews stuff A LOT. His pens are CHEWED UP. He finds it embarrassing but he can’t help it :(

He can get overstimulated easily, but sometimes it just depends.

When he’s overstimulated he tends to hit his head

He used to get overwhelmed and overstimulated somewhat easily and would start tearing up. When he entered NCR he decided he would stop doing that to be the best guard possible. He still tears up when overwhelmed and overstimulated but it’s rare and in like.. long extreme situations.

LOVES HUGGING AND SQUISHING/SQUEEZING. Gives bear hugs. Absolutely bone crushing hugs. His hugs could probably fix your back- or make it worse 😭

Has probably masked unknowingly, but it NEVER lasts.

Also has tics that tend to be triggered in cold weather. Occasionally warm weather.

Mostly motor tics like head jerking!

Normally tics then stims

Sebek is a very physical person. He LOVES hugging and doing anything with his body. He loves working out and moving and stimming because it keeps him happy. He just feels the need to be active or it feels like he’ll explode- he feels things very intensely and a lot of it stresses him out because his emotions are too strong and big to handle

Another thing is he’s terrified of kissing on the lips- Every time he tries to do it he gets scared and backs out- and if he does manages to kiss *insert person you ship him with* it doesn’t last- like. It only lasts 1 second and he immediately backs away because he just can’t take it 😭 not because he doesn’t enjoy it! It’s just he gets embarrassed and soemthing about it makes him really nervous

I think Sebek is half crocodile fae…so like… physically he’s a bit different… but not a lot compared to his mother or grandfather!! I think that he has teeth a bit similar to crocodile teeth! But because he’s still young they don’t look the same they do for his mom and stuff :3 (if that makes sense lol)

HE HYPERFIXATES ON ALL OF HIS FAVORITE PEOPLE/ CLOSE FRIENDS!!! I like to think he has hyperfixate on silver, Lilia, his mom, dad, grandpa,siblings etc. at points of his life.

On his parents when he was little, later Baal and when he met Lilia he hyperfixated on him, then silver. .. and basically it progresses like that.

Currently it’s malleus (obviously) but he is obsessed with other things, like culture and Lilia. But they’re not the biggest focus.

Oh he has loads of scars. Not only from him training and fighting, but because he loves running around! He has little scars and bruises on his legs and arms because of it :( accidentally hurting himself while having fun and running. A lot of times he wakes up with new ones too, it’s very confusing to him.

Sebek likes wearing funky weird little socks…. Like… I do think he wears formal white/black socks but he also has socks with patterns, matching ones, mismatched ones, colorful ones, ones with little patterns….

Eeek Sebek loves pink <3 and also likes yellows and reds but prefers pink he thinks the color is so cool and fascinating

OMG HE LOVESSSSS FLOWERS SO MUCH <33 he loves looking at them and collecting them! He has a secret book with a bunch of pressed flowers <3 he doesn’t know a lot about their meanings but he does really like them, and can identify some of them :3

His hair is wavy but also kind of nice to touch? He brushes it constantly so it ends up being somewhat soft

Whenever he loves someone or thinks someone is so super cool he will praise them so much <3 he is my hype man <3 he’s also very honest and pretty blunt so you can tell when he’s honest…

He likes making his own things :3 he loves doing hand crafted stuff���.especially with like wood…. And plants…sometimes metal/iron. It’s kind of like a side hobby…..

He can’t handle too much spice- he can eat most spicy foods…

[dreamlanddeluxe]

pro-tip from someone who has had stretches pf insomnia like this since high school: (bc your posts makes it sound like a new development and like youre scared, so i want to help. sorry this unsolicited)

but literally?? fake it

fake sleeping. youre going to lie down, close your eyes, shift when youre uncomfortable, but keep your eyes closed and stay laying down. try to keep your mind as blank as possible, thats really hard for me specifically, so i legit will listen to videos or podcasts or music or ocean-waves as i fake-sleep (bonus, i found something that works for me 60, 70% of the time are those ASMR roleplay videos where it'll be like "your boyfriend/girlfriend talks to you while you sleep" or "you get confessed to while youre asleep" or literally anything where i have to "roleplay" being asleep?? weirdly? flips a switch and ill be KOed before the video ends. what the fuck. but thats niche as hell, idk if itll work for you, but it is an "experiment! you never know" encouragement)

and youre going to want to fake-sleep as best as you can, even if youre actually awake the whole 8+ hours, because it legit tricks your brain into thinking youre asleep enough that it gives you those chemicals you need from sleeping that help regenerate your energy and whatnot. like scientists found this works really well, insomniacs who did this instead of their phone or tasks or reading, even if they rarely fell asleep while fake-sleeping, not only recorded feeling a lot better than the control group who was not given this order to sleep like this, but also had more balanced chemical stuff. i like to akin ir to a cell-phone charge. youre not going to get the 100% you would from actually sleeping, but going from a 20% to a 65% is still p huge and very helpful. before i was told this tip, i literally would meditate to recoup; and shockingly meditation releases those same chemicals so like. i was already doing it. just. sitting up instead of laying down lol

also, please do talk to a doctor about getting a sleep study done or something if you have the insurance to afford it. but this is a tip you can do in the meantime in addition to other experimentations thatll help you out. youll still feel exhausted (esp if you cant quiet your brain. my AuDHD mind shuts the fuck when other people speak, so the audio-roleplay and podcast and video-essay people have been god-sends), you won't be that 100% refresh as i already said, but it also wont be AS compounded of an exhaustion which is so helpful when your metaphorical battery is just going down and down and down— to have SOMETHING charge it even a bit or just stall it. i dont want you to think this is a "youll feel back to normal!" cure-all; it truly is the epitome of a "well, thatll help it not get WORSE at any rate, and maybe a bit better" type of rhetoric

for now, i would recommend doing a fake-nap, pick x-amount of hours that feels most comfortable to you (my pick is usually 3 or 4, but my lil sister found she prefers 2 hour long fake-naps and my other lil sister just goes "fuck it, no fake-nap, only fake-sleep; im doing 8+ hours" lmao), see if it at least takes the edge off

i have said a lot of "temper your expectations" type of stuff but i will also say this: at one point, this tip literally saved my life. because i spent 2.5 months running on a total of 4 to 6 hours of legit-sleep per week or per week-and-a-half throughout. and that kinda shit, i belatedly found out, should mean i should be dead. but i was fake-sleeping at least 5 hours a night. and my family's doctor went "uhhhhh thank god i showed your mom that study i guess, omfg". so like. i swear it helps. just. ALSO temper your expectations on how much it helps lol

if this is unsolicited and feels unwarranted, i apologize. im not good at reading tone in text, and just wanted to help. i hope this does help you out, you got this, i believe in you!!

Hey no worries, I appreciate you taking the time to type all this out. Recently (like, within the past one to two years or so) I’ve been more prone to bouts of restlessness and the fake sleeping is actually something I practice and it does help me most of the time. I think right now it’s more of a stress induced sort of thing more than anything that’s led to me having more trouble. Might just be one of those things I gotta wait out to be honest. When I do have a moment where I can’t sleep right it doesn’t last more than a few days normally so I don’t imagine this being different I hope. Maybe seeing a doctor would help but I’ll be honest there’s a probably a few things I should be seeing a doctor about and I just don’t have the money for that lol. But still like I said I appreciate you taking the time to try and help me out and offer some advice that’s very kind of you 🫶

[raspberryconverse]

Coley's Beaus, FWBs and Ladies: A Cheat Sheet (updated 11/16/24)

It occurs to me that with all my beaus (and FWBs and possibly ladies now) mentioned in my post, it might be nice to have a cheat sheet. Also it might be helpful to know who I'm still dating and who I'm not, considering we're up to #5, but I'm only really dating 2, possibly 3. There are also several FWBs, so keeping those straight is also going to be an issue. My poor therapist had to make her own cheat sheet (she literally has rolled her eyes when I've mentioned a new person with a one syllable name, because apparently my type is short men with beards and one syllable names).

Beau #1: Straight, 4½ years older than me, 5'6"ish, married with a girlfriend (used to be 2, but one broke up with him), used to do DoorDash, but now works at a car dealership. We met on Feeld and had been talking for awhile when my spouse had told me they wanted a divorce (we went back and forth for awhile, but 6 months later we actually are getting divorced). He was kind of my poly mentor, so when this happened and I didn't know who to talk to, I turned to him. We talked on the phone and when he was done dashing for the day, we met for tacos, made out a bit in his car and then went back to his place and had amazing sex. Hands down the best sex I've ever had. I joke that he's ruined me for other men.

My biggest complaints with him were smoking and scheduling. The smoking is really bad because he has asthma (as much fun as it is to say I've nearly killed him during sex, it's not fun to stop and grab the inhaler) and how the AuDHD affects us getting together. He can't seem to get a calendar going with his wife, so it greatly affects when we can see each other. Me being able to host should have helped, but he's only come here once and it was the week after my spouse asked for a divorce (for real this time).

I finally broke up with him, after asking myself for at least 2 months why I was still seeing him.

Beau #2: AKA The KitchenAid Mixer Guy, because one of his Feeld profile pics is a nude with his KitchenAid mixer. One of the main reasons I swiped on him, TBH. Heteroflexible (as in he likes playing with couples), 3 years younger than me, 5'7", used to manage a theatre until he got fired for sticking up for one of the owner's tenants. He was seeing someone else besides me. He was really funny and reminded me of a friend who passed away 7 years ago. We saw each other weekly for almost 2 months before he fucked off to Michigan and didn't tell me he was actually leaving. He was between jobs and had been waiting for over a month on a background check for one and told me if he didn't get it, he'd go stay with his parents for a bit. Then I didn't hear from him for a few days, checked in and he sent me a pic of his mom's ugly rug on her front porch 🙄

He tried to tell me that our relationship wasn't serious enough for a heads up that he left. "The only person who needs to know where I am at all times is the person I'm living with" (which I argue there's a difference between wanting to know your whereabouts at all times and wanting to know you left the state for several weeks). He claimed we had only gone out 5 times and had been seeing each other for a month (it was 8 times and almost 2 months, but whatever). I miss him a lot, but clearly he needs to get his shit together and treat the people he's seeing with more respect. We had a really good thing going where I'd come over, he'd cook dinner, we'd watch a movie and then have sex (the sex wasn't the greatest, but what he lacked in skill he made up for in enthusiasm). I never wanted more than that, but he seemed to think otherwise.

Beau #3: The drummer. Another Feeld match. Divorced dad of 6 year old twins. Straight, same age as me (graduated a year after me because his birthday is later in the year), 5'6", works in a warehouse, never been poly, but was open to ENM (which I now know is yellow flag). We really clicked right away as oversharers. We both like to try new beers and would go to breweries often on dates. I have my theories as to why he broke up with me based on his "things were moving too fast and I don't think we're a good match" statement. I honestly thought we were a great match because of how comfortable we were talking about deep stuff and I really miss our naked cuddles. We only successfully had sex once because he was having some unexplained ED issues. Best of luck to him with that.

One of the things I'm really bummed about is I actually genuinely like his band. I mean, I'm sure part of it is he looks hot when he's playing (those forearms 🥵), but their music is good too. I really want to show up at a show, looking really hot and see what happens. My therapist will tell me that's a very bad idea. My friends already have (and they managed to keep me occupied when he had one literally 10 minutes from my house to avoid temptation).

Beau #4: Queer, 4 years older than me, 5'7", ex Army Ranger, works in marketing for a big tech company and has an anchor partner. Not a Feeld match (we met at Queer Poly Cocktails). I think being queer cancels out a lot of the problematic military stuff. He's very passionate about suicide prevention for veterans, cowrote a coffee table book of veteran stories, is working on another book about with a friend about how they helped get the abandoned troops out of Afghanistan and was apparently in a really bad zombie movie comprised completely of veterans. He actually has a few pics on WikiFeet, which is... interesting.

He can deadlift more than double my body weight, so that's pretty hot. But he doesn't look very muscly, which I really love.

He seemed pretty smitten with me, but he's also had a busier than normal late summer/early fall (he said it's the busiest time for him at work). I was been super frustrated by this because he does make time to see his anchor partner, but would go weeks without seeing me. We did finally have a talk about it and he said it's just been bad timing. He claimed he was definitely is into me, enjoys spending time with me and didn't think things were casual, but he also doesn't have the bandwidth right now to develop something more serious. Then he broke my heart. I am almost as heartbroken about this as I am about my divorce. He was the kind of man I should be pursuing, but it's clear that emotionally mature men who treat their partners well can recognize when someone is a hot fucking mess and will run the other way.

Possibly Beau #5: Pansexual, 6 years younger than me, 5'7", ex Navy, mobile urgent care nurse (though recently got disability benefits approved). He doesn't seem that young, which I think is probably due to being in the military (and again, being queer seems to cancel out problematic military stuff). We met on Feeld. We get along really well and sex was been really good. We actually talked for 3 weeks before meeting IRL.

I had a good feeling about him. I was wrong.

We went out once and it was absolutely lovely, but over the course of 4 weeks, he cancelled on me 3 times. The 3rd time was the final straw for me. He agreed that I had every right to be upset and want to break things off after that. I really wanted him to fight for me. He didn't. Things like this make me feel like I'm not worthy. Deep down, I know it's not true, but I'm just not at a point mentally where I can believe it. Hopefully I'll get there someday.

We actually started texting again. My therapist helped me realize that I reacted poorly (not that I shouldn't have been mad, but my reaction was out of line). I apologized and he offered to talk it out, but he's been really busy, apparently 🙄 I eventually told him I missed texting with him and he said the reason he wasn't responding was because he thought I wouldn't want to start texting again without talking. I told him that ideally, talking first would be good, but that I was open to texting anyway and waiting for him to have the time to talk. So far, it's kinda how it was before with less sexy talk (though it's becoming more and more and even not when I'm drunk or high). We finally talked about it and he would love to have something with me, but he can't offer what I deserve, time commitment-wise. So we'll just keep texting, I guess. His recent disability approval might result in the possibility of being able to see each other regularly, but he has to get his meds under control first.

Honestly, I can't stop thinking about how he first kissed me, how good the sex was and I often pull up the intentional shirtless selfie because he's really fucking hot. I have a problem and his name is Beau #5.

FWB #1: Straight, 2 years older than me, 6'1", works for some sort of non-profit (I think). We met on Feeld. I was high on our first date (unintentionally) and having a beer made it worse. But even with that, I realized I definitely didn't want to date him. He is excellent in foreplay (definitely a pleasure dom), but mediocre at sex. He's definitely too tall for me to want to date (when you're over 5'10", your face is too far away for kissing), but he's nice to have in my back pocket for when I want to get laid.

I also went on 2 dates with a bisexual guy who is only 5'9", an ad exec and is 3 years younger than me. The conversation flowed well and while I wasn't sure if we had chemistry, he kissed me while we were waiting for my bus and yup, there definitely was chemistry.

We had a very successful second date that resulted in an accidental hickey. It was totally one of these:

We also had a good talk about expectations. He's not poly and isn't really interested in it, but is perfectly comfortable with me being poly and hearing about my other relationships. Before we met, we were chatting the afternoon where I was finally meeting Possibly Beau #5 and he said, "Get it, girl!" and was happy to hear that I got it. Ultimately, he was looking for a long term monogamous relationship, but he was also content with seeing me in the meantime. He recently told me his ex asked to get back together and he said yes.

I'm honestly not sad about it because I didn't like him as much as my beaus. I mean, I did like him, but the connection wasn't as strong as it is with my beaus. I didn't even feeling any NRE with him really. But I enjoyed the companionship and sex.

The Tree: so I had the following in my Feeld profile

I was striking out with the really tall guys. Some were fake. A few seemed interested and then disconnected (the worst was when I sent one a sexy photo and he disconnected with me upon seeing it). I've been talking to one who is actually 50, but doesn't look it at all. I've been trying for months to get together with him, but he's got 4 kids in their teens and 20s and is just too busy. It's a shame because he's really hot.

Finally, I matched with The Tree. He's 6'4" and straight (possibly heteroflexible, as he's interested in being in an MMF) and 2 years younger than me. I met him and it turns out I actually really like him. Like honestly, if he were at least 6" shorter, he'd be 100% my type.

My curiosity is the logistics of having sex with someone over a foot taller than me. The tallest guy I ever dated was maybe 5'10" and then, as I said before, FWB #1 is 6'1". I also have very short legs (25" inseam), so that could make things even more complicated.

We've been doing the FWB thing for a bit now and I don't think I could have picked a better specimen, TBH. I mean, there was one who looked like Matthew Gray Gubler that I was very interested in, but he had a very sparse profile and well, he didn't like my sexy pic (unmatched after I sent it 😒). It's definitely a novelty, but we have fun. And he actually has asked me if I wanted to get together, so it's nice not to always be the one asking for a booty call.

Recently, I've had rough times with Beau #4 and my spouse and he's really been there for me in a way I would not expect from a fuck buddy. But I guess we're more than that. We are definitely friends and I can tell he really cares about me. I mean, anyone who'll let you cry all over them after sex clearly does. I'd honestly like to date him, despite him being freakishly tall, but he's been dealing with a messy breakup for awhile and he's just not ready for a relationship. But he's been amazing to me (and not just in bed) and I really think there could be something there once our lives become less of shitshows.

FWB #2: Straight, 5'7", 3½ years older than me. We met on Hinge. He was actually the first person I talked to on there. There's definitely not a romantic connection there, but I do like him a lot. We have a lot of good conversations. He's actually available most nights, so he'll be the one I text first when I need to get laid. He is also excellent in bed, so even better.

Lady #1: My friend's partner. Originally met on Hinge, but met organically in person, 5'3", 5 years younger than me, bi. Her partner was actually the guy who Beau #4 was going to let have me, not knowing he wasn't my type. I walked into our local poly cocktails one night and went over to say hi to him and she was sitting across from him. "We're talking on Hinge!" she exclaimed. NGL, I was feeling a little awkward about it, especially since her partner was giving off some more than friendly vibes to me, but he was actually excited that we matched and had been talking. He even gave her my number so we could text and coordinate a date.

We went on a date (drinks) and had some good conversations about homebuying (her and her partner just put in an offer on a house) and dating (straight men are horrible). I wasn't sure how it actually went because when we were parting ways, she hugged me goodbye and ran away to her bus stop. And no, her bus was not coming because I was on the same side of the street, walking away from her stop and the bus would have passed me by. We were supposed to have a cute thrifting date, but she had to cancel because of a work thing 😕 She admitted later that she wasn't feeling romantic vibes, but definitely wants to be friends. She also said she's open to things changing in the future, so we'll see how that goes.

Lady #2: Pansexual, 5'4", 5 years older than me, met on Hinge. We had some fun banter back and forth for awhile and then she asked me out. We went out to a local lesbian bar and had some good conversation while we were there. She's a sex therapist, which could be interesting, and also very kinky. The date went well. We ended up making out at the bus stop. We went on 2 other dates that went very well, but never managed to get a 4th date planned, mostly because my life blew up. But she also has tried to be helpful while I've been dealing with the blow up and I really appreciate that. I think she might just be keeping her distance, which is totally fair. She recently got some bad health news and is focusing on her health, so that's that.

[ghostradiodylan]

9 people to get to know better

Thanks for the tag, @cleucas I did half of this on my phone then got distracted and tumblr ate it so I had to switch to laptop for that sweet, sweet auto-save.

I also have the kind of ADHD/possible AuDHD where any time someone asks me what I like, I forget everything I've ever enjoyed soooo I will probably come up with better answers in a day and frantically edit hahaha help.

1. Three ships: Rylan all day every day right now. Ummm I'm actually not a big 'shipper so when one grabs me it REALLY grabs me! Starting to dip a toe into Steddie from Stranger Things (Steeeeve Harringtonnnn) even though it makes me sad because I don't think they're bringing sweet baby Eddie back, and, uh, three way animated tie between Bee and Deckard from Bee and Puppycat, Bubbline from Adventure Time, and Rose Quartz/Greg Universe from Steven Universe.

Honorable mention to my first doomed ship which was Clark and Lana from Smallville. Just never got on board with Lois.

(I almost put the Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Maria in here because I'm an asshole, but fuck Columbus!)

2. First ever ship: Maybe Sonic the Hedgehog and Amy Rose? He fast! She cannot catch up! Kawaii pathos! (Although I shipped him with Mina the Mongoose in the Archie comics as a kid RIP to those.) Or Meg Murry and Calvin O'Keefe from A Wrinkle in Time.

3. Last song: Bigger Than Love - Oh Wonder (asdlfkjalskdfj)

4. Last film: I watched some awful streaming romcom with my mom the other day and an equally awful Hallmark Christmas movie. Last film I actually enjoyed was probably His House. Scary and devastatingly beautiful!

5. Currently reading: Jane Austen's Emma on audiobook as I fall asleep and my own writing out loud to see if the dialogue is awkward in a bad way or in a good way.

6. Currently watching: Ghosts (UK - I’ve already seen the US one but I like this better so far). Research/I just like ghosts. About to start House of Usher and possibly Scott Pilgrim Takes Off.

7. Currently consuming: one thousand Coke Zeros but only because I'm out of Dr. Pepper Zero my beloved.

8. Currently craving: Dr. Pepper Zero my beloved.

Tagging some people I want to know! No pressure

(｡•̀ᴗ-)✧ (I also have not checked to see if y'all have done it already so sorry if it's a duplicate for you - tag me in a comment if you have I’m a nosy an interested bitch.)

@caesurah-tblr @cloudycaffeinatedcryptid @torchmlp @oh-cawsh @smthsmthclouds @insertlovelyperson @qusok @verloutte @pileontheyears @alinathefirst @andromaqves @electricdecades @sargeantsarmy you just popped up and reminded me I meant to tag you too. EVERYONE DO THE THING or don’t it’s whatever.

That's way more than 9. Whatever I have dyscalculia too. I mean, I'm a rebel.

[f4ll3nf34th3r5y5t]

Tw vent. Not too hardcore on trauma just hardcore on description And stress (I don't think anyone reads these?? But if your ocs need trauma or issues ig????😭 This is just a convenient way to get things off my chest)

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Spades and diamonds am I so fuck stressed lately!! I start a new job today, cool. Best friend A is moving STATES AWAY in less than a month, that's hip. Best friend B has spotty availability due to recovering from a surgery, awesome sauce. My younger sibling is moving out in less than a month, chillin. I'm being kicked out before the year ends, fucking. Cool beans. dude. Jesus God damned Christ.

I don't want to love my family or need to be nice to them!! I just fucking learned that me and my younger sibling both dislike my mother!!!!! My older brother keeps trying to act like my dad at the worst. Fucking. Times. And I'm going NUTS.

Basically Everyone™ at my new job LOVES my mother.

When getting kicked out, it's probably either I take my cat or cats or they get put in a pound or left outside. Fuck. Fucked fuck fuck fuck fucker.

Like do I leave early or what. God damnit. Advice might actually be useful, Tumblr. I'll try to censor and explain easily.

NON TW STARTS HERE.

I'm 17 years old physically and I'm 18 on December 10th. I will be homeless but I have a couple options on housing.

A) I beg and beg and cough up all money to stay here with my mom, her fiance, and my older brother

B) I go live with my friend cat. Pros is I can bring my cat probably, cons are the transportation is unreliable and it's cramped.

C) I see if I can live with best friend b. Pros are I might get my own room or suchlike and I'm basically family, cons are my cat can't come I think.

My mental health isn't really the priority right now. I have a bit of things to take aka my clothing (about 1 large tote? Maybe), a 7ft shelf and the things on it, xbox, my bed if needed, and my stuffies(tote full). Other things are honestly sentimental or just small idk.

I'm still in school and I will be for at least 3 more years. Not including college, if I can go.

I make around $400 per check but this job pays less so it'll go down to about $250 I think?

I can't drive and I take medicine (prozac and meclizine), I'm also undiagnosed depressive and possibly (heavily) auDHD. I need to find a dentist too but wtvr.

On a list of things to do should I

A) start downsizing possessions to 3 totes max minus the shelf itself

B) start talking to cat about moving in, see how it'd work etc

C) pack a bit. Idk.

My options aren't a lot since my mom, who I'll start calling Diane now (not her first name it feels weird), places a 7pm curfew on me since I've been to a psych ward(self admitted). She tends to stick her nose in my business if I'm not too careful and anytime we're alone there's a 70/30 chance she'll mention me being kicked out and ask about it. I plan to keep being as secretive as possible, she isn't even aware of any arrangements or stress. She's not sheltering but she's not a good mom. It's a weird balance of careless and overbearing.

To inform more on my mom I'll write a separate post that'll probably be shorter but wtvr I'm just scared I guess. Mostly for my cat. He thinks I'm his mom or something so I'm scared that if I don't take him with me he'll die. Advice of any kind is appreciated, any questions too.

[its-wabby-stuff]

those are all so interesting! sho chasing him around the world bc the writers did say yoshi became cosmopolitan during his fame, is so funny and kinda sad. yeah, i'm pretty sure its canon that sho and yoshi were the last hamato bc in end game, foot lt says yoshi is the "last descendant". i hc that yoshi has struggled with depressive disorder since his mom left. being told he had to save the world and all his plans being overun by his hamato destiny did not help. but sho (in typical asian fashion) was like "depression isn't real, get a hold of yourself" (sho was also depressed bc of atsuko's death but he was in denial). big mama soothed it during the time yoshi dated her but then obvi, his depression came back 100x worse during his captivity and stayed quite severe to this day (being a mutant really sucks also how is he supposed to be a dad when he never had a dad really???)

yes! share you big mama hcs 😁 did you know she was with yoshi for 11 years (probably)?? in many unhappy returns, it says they met in 1984 and the writers said she kidnapped him around 1995. i feel bad for yoshi bro (I still love big mama tho) i know fans want her to have a fake human name but i think it's funnier (it's also canon) that she just went by big mama bc yoshi didn't care that she was purple and had yellow eyes and ate bugs and talked weird af so why would he care about her odd name?

I definitely agree with the depressive disorder, as someone who also has on and off depression. I also think he has AuDHD which could be part of why he did bad in school. I also agree that Sho didn’t see them as real problems, which I think is part of the reason Splinter is so cut off when it comes to talking about his feelings, or opening up in the slightest.

I think his depression got a lot worse sometime after the overtaking parts of parenthood were over and the boys started becoming a lot more independent and self-sufficient. Then he like crashed from the last, basically 45+ years of his life.

I’m still trying to figure out how such a loud and proud personality didn’t tell his sons about his days in the sun. I can only think it has something to do with his mother leaving, or him trying to forget. Also can’t figure why he changed his name to Splinter of all things. It was probably the boys fault- somehow, or possibly just poetic. New life, new name.

Tbh, Big Mama and Lou Jitsu, despite all their flaws, are my favorite couple. They’ve spent like half their lives together. I think Big Mama is a younger Yokai, perhaps only a couple years older than Yoshi himself. This is opposed to Draxum who I think is well over 200. I think she has commitment issues, but her and Yoshi bonded over their drive to create something spledifirous. I think she spent her time on the surface being a rebel, just like Lou, hiding away from some like rich Yokai family who wanted her to inherit the family business (their chain of hotels). Just another reason to bond.

This one’s silly, and I kinda stole it from someone else on the webs, but I think Big Mama and Lou Jitsu both got really into the renaissance while they were dating. Hence Splinters names for his son being the splinters of their relationship. Haha.

I think the battle nexus is relatively new and was started with Lou Jitsus kidnapping. It just got a lot of attention. And with her champion, a lot of other Yokai joined to get a chance at beating up the human, which backfired for them.

After a couple years of fighting, and winning, I think Big Mama laxed up on her rules. They were still kinda dating and would spend time together and tour the Hidden City and such (cause how else does he know so much?). Up until the last year, before the boys, when he once again requested more from Big Mama and wanted to stop fighting, so he wound up back in his cell. He declared he was a pacifist so he wouldn’t have to fight anymore, cause he knows she’s tricky but he’s still a little too dumb to figure things out.

Because I think the battle nexus is new, I also think her going back to the hidden city to take over the family hotels must have some cause and effect. So I think a family member died, which caused her to flip out like she did when asked to marry. That and her commitment issues (which also cause her to change the deals at the last second). And allowed Lou to “forgive” her when the “got back together.” He clearly still has resentment, but not to the point of hatred (cause they still got that chemistry in the show). They might be a little perfect for each other. 🙂‍↕️

If Big Mama was going to have any other name, which I’m fine with her name being what it is but it feels much more like a title, or perhaps originated as a pet name from Lou, than an actual name; I would think it’d be Tang Shen. Only cause other tmnt iterations have Yoshis ex wife be named that, but I think it’s fitting as well. Understandably, I get why she might keep it hidden and a secret, because, just like Lou, wearing masks is sometimes easier than facing the truth.

[kiidwritings]

so cringe, but i love u <3

chapter 0: prologue

wc; 3,563. tags/warnings; maybe ooc .T4T RAAAGGHHHH!! Trans horangi. Trans könig. 5+1 Things. sorry if könig is ooc. im trying here. also horangi might be ooc. I TRYING. idk i based his AUDHD on mine so :P. same with könig's social anxiety. author is nd. Author is trans. she/he/they könig. transfem könig. im trying my best ;-;. not beta read. events based on stuff in author's real life. lol mention of masturbation. author knows very little german. like the basics of german. thanks duolingo. FART JOKE/MENTION DFHBDGJB. possible grammatical errors

pairing: kim "horangi" hong-jin/könig

READ ON AO3!!

Love is a remarkable thing. Whether platonic or romantic, it’s something that everyone deserves and can really change a person’s character and heal wounds that were never properly treated. Love is expressed in many different ways; cooking for someone, basking in the warmth of another’s touch, or even through the act of lovemaking (or fucking if you’re freaky like that). 

Life isn’t some fictional romantic book with some ridiculous trope like soulmate strings, or love at first sight, you have to learn what love is beneath all the lovey-dovey shit- love was awkward flirting, one-sided infatuation, heartbreak, and realizing some things just don’t work out between people. 

Sometimes it feels like you’ll never find love, no matter how long you wait, it seems like no one has the desire to make you theirs.

To have those little inside jokes that no one else understands.

To be able to sit down and work out problems in a way that leaves both parties satisfied.

To have rubbed off on each other so much that everyone can see that they're yours and you theirs.

To be able to love is a beautiful thing, whether sexual or romantic activities are involved.

So when König first saw Horangi, dressed down in his all-camo attire and sunglasses that just barely made his almond-shaped eyes visible, he couldn’t help but let his nails pick unconsciously at the dead skin along the ridges of his finger beds and begin sweating underneath his hood from the raising temperatures.

Of course, König kept his distance, needing to read him from afar before even thinking about approaching him. His skills were good no doubt about that, KorTac is only filled with the best, but it seemed like König was taking too long because one afternoon, Horangi waltzed up to them and practically demanded a sparing match.

“You’re sparing with me today.”

König blinked, sweat pooling under their mask from both Horangi’s presence and having just beat the shit out of a punching bag (she had a lot of built-up anger that day and not enough sleep, you couldn't blame her!)

“What?”

“Sparing match,” Horangi pointed to the sparing mats, “Now, let’s go.”

He didn’t even wait before walking over to the mats, expecting König to follow him like a trained puppy at his beck and call. If König was none the wiser, maybe they would’ve seen the sway in Horangi's hips, like a cat courting a potential mate.

But deep down, König couldn’t help but be turned on by Horangi’s dominance, and their leg bounced and thumped like an excited bunny.

The more the two were around each other- whether it was for a mission, during a debrief meeting, in the mess hall, in the training rooms, or even after hours when everyone started to retreat back to their dorms, König and Horangi would always make some extra time to see each other.

Maybe Horangi liked the rank imbalance between them, or maybe it was the fact that they were both trans, but it seemed like whatever higher powers had finally answered König’s prays to be loved for once (by someone besides his mom and grandmother- whatta ladies man!) because after many long months of pining for each other, getting flustered over lingering gazes, and landing in awkward positions during sparing (which usually ended up with Horangi knuckles deep in himself), König made the first move.

If she’d told younger her that she made a move on a cocky, badass baddie such as Kim “Horangi” Hong Jin, little Anton would’ve scoffed.

Him? Talking to anyone about romantic interest? Yeah, probably in some other universe where König didn’t feel like the room got ten times hotter whenever anyone even remotely up to his standards stood within a 10-foot radius of him.

But here they were, standing outside Horangi’s door with shien of sweat over their skin, shaky hands, and having had hit his head thrice on the doorways around the base, his mind too clouded by how to even start going about this.

He owed another thanks to whoever was listening to his prayers because despite having not a complete family for the entity of his adolescence, KorTac had definitely filled in the voids he was missing. Asking around for advice was both embarrassing and nerve-racking.

Roze went the straightforward route; go up to Horangi, ask him out, take him to dinner, bring him back to base, fuck him hard and nice, and then ask him out. The euphoria of the moment will help bring out Horangi’s true emotions without the shadow of insecurities. (Maybe it was the fact that Roze was aromantic and didn’t care much for the several steps skipped when someone usually tries to ask someone out.)

Hutch’s advice was much more thought through and less… vulgar . Sure what Roze said about going to dinner would be great- König and Horangi were kind of in the awkward stage of wanting to be with each other- but in the following days after the date, it’d be best to try and keep everything as they were before, and if Horangi’s feelings grew, then she knew it was time to make it official with him.

With his mind still full of insecurities and inexperience, König went and flopped down on his bed, limbs hanging off due to his imposing stature. 

“ Gottverdammt … this shouldn’t be so hard, right?” König muttered to herself as she stared at the painting chipping on her walls. She inwardly cursed herself for not having gotten over her stupid social anxiety and gotten some game back in his youth. (His therapist would’ve shaken his head if he heard him say that.)

Maybe she could think about it over some paperwork, the reports piling up on her already messy desk. Neh, König needed focus to do work, and having his mind also occupied with this whole dating situation would have him staring at the same sentence for half an hour, damn his ADHD. 

Working out always helped relieve stress and it was late, so he’d basically have the whole gym to himself. (They will still never live down accidentally farting while bending down to pick up a weight… ugh .) But König did have paperwork to be done, damn that paperwork, know he’s gonna be thinking about it for the rest of the week, URGH !

Shuffling onto their back, they let out a deep belly sigh. Staring at the semi-stained titles of his dorm ceiling, he thought back to his childhood, memories of brisk early mornings, perfecting his handwriting so his teachers would stop berating him for it, running home to avoid being hit by rocks by kids who never seemed to be in school and helping with as many house chores as needed in order to help his mother who worked relentlessly for her baby’s sake. König smiled, remembering a day when his mother came home, her crooked teeth showing in her big smile, standing on her tiptoes to give Anton a sloppy kiss on the cheek.

<“Mama, you look happy. Did something happen?”> Anton asked as he shifted in the too-small table chair. The already-worn wood creaked under his weight. 

Elena’s lips were cracked, having worked out in the cold from the first light of day to the late dusk hours, but her smile never flattered. 

Anton was her rock and she was his, having stuck through everything in life together. 

When his father left, not needing to be weighed down by the responsibilities of being a father to a baby who would never grow up to be as much a man as he is, she cried and cried to her mother, a strong widow who was more than welcome to take care of her daughter’s pride and joy despite finally feeling her age. 

When Anton went through growth spirit after growth spirit, having to retuck his shirt into his waistbands and feel the breeze on his constant plumbers crack, she took all the old clothes her late father and dead-beat ex-husband left behind, stitching up whatever tears and rips were in the fabrics and sending him off, praising Anton for looking like such a big, strong boy when really, the clothes just made him look like the homeless man he’d see during his bike rides to the overpriced supermarket in the next town over.

<“Oh Anton, my sweet boy,”> She came over, cupping his cheeks riddled with freckles (they were more prominent on colder days), ance, and scars from said ance and placed one of her sloppy, motherly kisses on his forehead. His curly auburn bangs stuck to her lips as she pulled back. 

The sight of his mother’s smile made his hands shake and slap against his thighs with untamed happiness.

<”Go put on something nice. We’ll pick up your grandmother and go out for something to eat. I’ve saved up enough for us.”> Elena’s thick eyelashes were glistening with tears and up close, Anton could see the bags under her hazelnut eyes.

After fancying themselves up and picking up his grandmother, they made the half-hour drive into the city. To regular standards, the restaurant was barely even considered fancy, it was just some family-owned diner with mediocre food and greasy tables, but the sight of the food made Anton enthusiastic while reciting the prayers his grandmother made them say before meals. 

Whilst in the midst of practically shoveling food in his mouth, Anton’s grandmother spoke up. 

<”Enkel (grandson)...?”> She spoke in a weak yet gentle voice. It had lost its verbal liveliness, but only those closest to her could understand when emotions ran high through her words. Anton looked up, his lips coated with the spicy broth from the Potato Gulasch he was practically inhaling, before quickly wiping his mouth with a crumbled napkin. His grandmother taught him better.

<”Has your mind cleared from the last time we talked?”> There was slyness in her tone as Elena raised her eyebrow and finished chewing a particularly chewy piece of beef in her Tafelspitz.

<”Hmm? What’s this about?”> She questioned rightfully so, if there was something bothering her son, she should be the first to know!

Anton blushed and began pushing around the vegetables in his stew. <”I…umm, I wanted to ask out a girl. Remember the one I was paired with for that project?”> 

Elean seemed to perk up even more, playfully bumping shoulders with her son.

<“Wunderbar! (Wonderful!) Oh, my sweet boy!”> She gushed and grinned wildly. In other circumstances, Anton would’ve laughed bashfully and gone pink, but in the middle of a busy restaurant where any of his schoolmates could’ve walked in or been within earshot of this conversation, he ducked his head and mumbled incoherence, embarrassed.

<”Yeah…I just, don’t know how to though. She’s so sweet and pretty I just… she’s too good for me.”>

 Elean blinked at this, her smile gone and looking rather serious as his grandmother shook her head.

<”Enkel, we talked about this. You need to-.”>

<”No girl is too good for my son!”> Anton’s grandmother was cut off by Elean’s sharp words. She was frowning and looked rather upset. Not at Anton himself, but at his mind and his insecurities and the words he dared to utter, belittling himself and his abilities.

<”Whoever this girl is, she’d be lucky to have someone such as yourself, my own flesh and blood, ask her out on a date! Good confessions come from the heart of someone just as good, and if she can’t understand how blessed and pure you are by your words, then she doesn’t deserve shit from you!”> 

Elean’s cheeks were flushed by the time she finished her rant before they got even redder.

<”Ah! Entschuldigung, Mutter! Bist bald! (Excuse me, mother! I’m sorry!)”> She hung her head at her grandmother while Anton just stared at his mother in astonishment. 

Just his mother’s words alone filled him with such… confidence. He felt his hands shake and suddenly his mind cleared with only one thing in mind; asking this girl out.

His grandmother only smiled and let her ankle knock against her daughter’s in a silent acceptance. 

The rest of the dinner went well, Elean even treated them to some desserts. The ride home was filled with comfortable silence and the rumble of Anton’s stomach as it tried to adjust to the spices that laced the Potato Gulasch. 

Anton smiled to himself in the mirror as he brushed his teeth. The reflection in the mirror was no longer someone he scrunched his face up at, but a young man who was slowly breaking out of his shell, like a caterpillar wiggling its way out of its chrysalis.

With a full stomach and his mother’s words still echoing in his head, Anton nuzzled into his flat pillows, forgetting all his other school troubles and only thinking about the happy-go-lucky brunette who went the extra mile to say hi to him in the halls.

(He also doesn't think he’s ever farted so much in his life. His stomach growled and rolled from the spices that were now coating his insides and attacking his bowels. His asshole was on fire that night.)

It was about 20 minutes before lights out, the usual sounds of the Kortac base were now mellowed down as the night hours passed. 

König balled his thin sheets up in his calloused fists before jerking up in bed, death staring at the hickory door of his room. König wasn’t a pussy, he wasn’t gonna disappoint his mother, and he didn’t his rank as colonel by letting his insecurities get the best of him!

Social anxiety be damned, this mountain of an Austrian man knew how to get shit done when shit needed to be done!

Without a moment’s hesitation, she threw open her door and made her way down the halls of the barracks, getting stares from those who were still up and about. She made a beeline for Horangi’s room and wasted no time giving the door a sturdy three knocks.

“I- just a second!” Horangi’s accented voice was heard through the door along with some rustling. König stood straight and waited for the top of the Korean man’s head to come into view.

Horangi appeared in his doorway wearing some casual attire; a pair of black cargos, a V-necked gray shirt, and a simple black hoodie. His usual pair of sunglasses were nowhere in sight, not even hanging on the collar of his shirt, and his eyes, dark and shimmery like black diamonds, looked up at König with such innocence.

König could tell he wasn’t wearing his binder, not that he made it a habit to look! But when you’re tall enough to see the curve of everyone’s boobs from above, it was sometimes the second thing you noticed about a person.

(Sometimes König wished they had boobs. The mere thought made their face flush and they felt vulnerable even within the walls of her own room. Someday, she’d work up the courage to find a bra that'd fit her chest and cry at the sight of how beautiful his body, which he spent years hating, could be.)

The sight of Horangi made him instinctively hunch his shoulders and swallow hard. König blinked before clearing they spoke, “Ah, good evening, Hor- I mean, Hong-Jin!” 

Hong-Jin made it a point that his callsign was indeed NOT his actual name and that during their casual time together, he preferred that name over Horangi (it especially sounded nice when it came from König’s lips, but he would never say that, no matter how blunt he could be).

“Hello, König. What brings you around this late?” Hong-Jin said as he leaned against the door frame, arms crossed and without the playful scrunch of his eyes, König would’ve thought the worst, and all his confidence would’ve gone down the drain. 

König had yet to tell Hong-Jin his real name.

Anton is not a colonel, but a citizen. She was beneath the sniper hood König adorned when on base and during missions. Anton was a mama’s boy who was too big for their own good and although hated their dad, wished he hadn’t left so that they might’ve had some sort of male role to look up to. 

But that was a can of worms she wasn’t ready to open, it’d probably go bad by the time she was ready to even think about cracking open its rusted aluminum top.

König gripped the fabric of his pants to keep them from shaking. “Can I come in? I wanted to…talk…?”

He inwardly cringed as his voice went up an octave as his sentence progressed, but Hong-Jin just smiled, well, König assumed he smiled based on how his eyes squinted (it was hard to see when he had his mask on), and stepped out the way to allow König into his room.

Making sure to duck, König went and sat on the desk chair. They were familiar with the arrangement of Hong-Jin’s room from the number of times the two had hung out in it… as friends of course!

Hong-Jin plopped back down on his bed, there were some stray clothes lying about but otherwise, it was tidy, as tidy as a ‘lived-in’ room could be.

“So what’s up, König? Roze told me you two talked earlier.”

König visibly stiffened, heart stopping for a second before pounding at his rib cage like a rabid animal and it was suddenly 80 degrees under his hood.

(Fahrenheit, of course. I’m American.)

“Really? What…what about?” König squeaked out. (What the hell, König didn’t squeak . He’s a grown-ass dude, the fuck would he be squeaking for?!)

Hong-Jin just shrugged smugly. “I don’t know, you wanna tell me? That was your conversation.” His everyday, average teasing seemed to be too much for poor, little ( NOT little. Remember? This was a middle-aged man we’re talking about.) König.

Their chest puffed and they exhaled loudly, almost unnecessarily loud. With averted eyes and sweaty palms, she spoke up again.

“Y-yeah, I had something to admit.” Hong-Jin blinked and if it hadn’t been for his mask, König would’ve seen the pink flush in his cheeks.

Hong-Jin shuffled on the bed but kept silent, pleading for him to continue.

König let out another sigh again, “I’ve been thinking about this for…some time now. Maybe three months after you transferred to KorTac and since we started really talking to each other,”

Her leg started bouncing and the desk chair let out little squeaks. Hong-Jin didn’t seem to care, listening intently to every word that slipped from König’s mouth.

“And, I’m not sure if it’s too early or if you're completely uninterested feel free to tell me off, but I’d love the opportunity to-.”

“ God yes .”

Kong blinked at the desperation and eagerness that dripped from Horangi’s agreement.

Hong-Jin blinked, his body leaning forward and hands gripping his knees, before leaning back and blushing hard.

Oh, such a pretty pink.

“You didn’t let me finish.”

“Well, is ‘Yes’ the answer you were hoping for in response to your question?” Hong-Jin’s voice was a mixture of bashful and smug. 

König crossed his legs, then uncrossed them, then crossed them the opposite way. “I…umm, well it depends! Can…can I finish my sentence?” König huffed in amusement. 

Hong-Jin nodded, so with a little bit less anxiousness, König spoke up again.

“I wanted to ask if you…umm, well, if you wanted to go out?…with me! Not just like in general, but like ya’ know…-“

“On a date?” Hong-Jin’s voice was now smug and he was definitely smirking under his mask. 

That sly cat…

König just nodded and fidgeted with the drawstring of his sweatpants. “ Ja. Well, I guess I already know your answer ‘cause you just said yes, but I wanted you to actually know what you were agreeing to! I’m not even sure if you like me or not, or just pitying me! Which is completely fine if that’s the-!”

“König…” Hong-Jin’s voice was now soft, a natural rumble from his chest, akin to a noise a tiger would make (haha, see what I did there?).

König just fluttered her eyelashes and swallowed, “Hmm?”

“I would love to go on a date with you. I do like you if that somehow wasn’t clear enough.”

So that’s how it started, two predators- a bear with the heart of a rabbit and a tiger who had a knack for teasing, learning to be soft with each other.

What people don’t realize about going from friends to lovers is how similar the relationship is to the previous friendship. You go about your normal routines with a little bit of PDA and flirting added into it (and a lot of fucking, Horangi’s sex drive was higher than König’s). Soon, you’ll be moving in with each other, spending late mornings in each other’s arms, sharing clothes, and swapping spit.

But like all humans, we have flaws and weaknesses. Whether or not you choose to deal with a partner’s flaws shows more about your character than theirs. And if you're strong enough to stay with someone despite feeling yourself physically recoil at the sight of their icks, then that shows your love and devotion towards them.

But one little ick wouldn’t ruin a relationship, right?

Till death do them part…although, it’d be years before those words would even be muttered.

Feel free to give criticism and feedback via ask, I’d love to know how to get better and to hear what y'all have to say about my writings!

Have a good day/night! :3c - alienkiid

Taglist (bolded means could not be tagged!): no one yet!~

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©kiidwritings 2020 - 2023; all rights to the stories are reserved to @kiidwritings! please do not plagiarize, modify, edit, translate, or repost any of my work!

[nicepersondisorder]

Welcome to my game~ Here are the instructions:

You will receive lots of questions about yourself, in sets of five, until I run out of questions (and there are tons of them) or until you beg me to stop (don't ignore me pls, just say you don't want to keep playing<3).

Questions will be about different topics. If there's any topic you DON'T want to discuss, this is the moment to say it.

Answer the following questions with as much detail as possible:

1- Which is your first memory? What does it mean for you?

2- What was your childhood like?

3- Is there any moment in your childhood that you remember with a lot of love?

4- What was your school experience like?

5- Which was your favorite subject and why?

- ⚜️

okie dokie !!! o7

sorry i saw the word beg and i think i hauve covid.

mmmmm i think my first memory might be a fake one!! i'll tell you anyways <33 so there's a lake near my great grandmother lives and it has long and sandy beaches. its also shallow for several meters. i'm not sure how far the shallow bottom goes because i was neer allowed to check out, but i digress. my first memory is standing there in the lake with water up my ankles and it's really warm and i'm alone on the beach. i said "probably a fake memory" because there's no way there weren't any people at the beach, there was always someone there XD

i think it was pretty ok actually? i was the first child. mom tried her best, thats i know for sure. i did spent like half of my childhood sick/in hospitals though... i was also a really good student who did everything effortlessly - and everyone said i was so so so gifted at anything i tried, lmao.

mom singing me lullabies. i dont remember all of them, but i memorized at least two. they're always nice to sing. make me nostalgic.

i was the teachers pet in primary school, so i set very high expectations for myself (which i failed. pensive emoji), but i also didn't have much friends. like i spent at least four last years of school without any friends in class. audhd superpower of isolation by peers!

hmmm at first it was art class, because i really like to draw and it was easy, but then it changed to english (which was a second language in my school). also because i knew a lot of english by then and could speak and read it almost fluently. so i obviously was the best in the school (not counting teachers). oh but i also liked astrology! not because of the subject, but because of the teacher. he was really cool and funny. he also taught physics and IT, though i sucked at those. almost failed physics too lmao

[unreal-unearthing]

Thanks for tagging me @daisyssousa - i found this languishing in my drafts folder after like month :/

Are you named after anyone? Possibly? A story that I was named after the guitarist from my dad's favorite band was told to me as a child and to this day it's become such a part of my family mythos that no can remember if it was a joke or not. (Alex Van Halen of Van Halen)

When was the last time you cried? Yesterday, i think. I was a reading a book , The Heat Will Kill You First by Jeff Goodell - an excellent nonfiction book about the dangers of heat as our climate gets hotter, and there was a very moving chapter about the author's interviews with the loved ones of a man who died of heatstroke.

Do you have kids? Nope, not even a pet.

Do you use sarcasm a lot? maybe too much?

What's the first thing you notice about people? I don't really know? Vibes, I guess.

What's your eye colour? Brown.

Scary movie or happy ending? Happy endings! I love reading horror but i'm a scaredy-cat and can't watch scary movies.

Any special talents? I'm a classically trained pianist and vocalist.

Where were you born? North Dakota, unfortunately.

What are your hobbies? Writing, reading a truly absurd amount, listening to music and podcasts? But like many AuDHD folks I have a graveyard of abandoned hobbies - crochet, cross-stitch, baking, etc.

Have you got pets? Nope!

What sports do you/have you played? I used to be a dancer? My parents signed me up for just about every free sports clinic for kids offered when I was kid because they wanted me to lose weight so i've played probably every sport under the sun for at least a year. I like tennis, i guess?

How tall are you? 5'4"

Favourite subject in school? Social Sciences like history and geography! And fun fact, but while I was in college my mom went back to school to get her teaching license and now she is a middle school social sciences teacher.

Dream job? Related to the above, I'm currently in a poli sci PhD program, and am planning to be a college professor. Dream would be to be a writer. There's a lot wrong with academia but it's also not a half-bad way to get a stable salary to research and write about your niche interests while also teaching/mentoring students, which I enjoy, so.