#i also have to figure out what the symptoms and stages would be so there's that

[rilianeshairclip]

Thinking about that Wii Sports infection AU I mentioned

Yes I will be making it, but yes I will need help with most likely everything

[hmmm-shesucks]

Once the foxes become more comfortable with each other, they begin to nag. Mostly little things, usually humorous things. They nag on Nicky for being too forward sometimes. They nag on Neil for his horrible life habits. They nag on Dan for her mother henning. They nag on Kevin for everything. It's fun, it's what families do. They all just pick on each other for fun.

It takes a little longer for them to feel comfortable nagging Andrew though, which, is understandable, but one of the first things they start picking on him for is his lack of communication in general. He NEVER talks. They just want him to participate sometimes.

Renee and Neil find this funny because Andrew talks A LOT just not around the foxes. He's not comfortable.

See, Andrew is fucking weird. Everyone knows this, but the foxes think he's weird in a “mysterious, murder you in your sleep, was totally the kid everyone thought was going to shoot up the school” kind of weird.

Andrew is not that kind of weird. He's a different breed entirely. He plans out how he'd survive the apocalypse, any of them. He is constantly fighting back the most wild intrusive thoughts. He is 24/7 existential crisis. His head is a wild fucking place.

But he is trying. Making progress. Trying to be more open and approachable, as Bee says. So he talks. Out Loud.

And the foxes hate him.

In the most monotonous voice ever

“Do you ever feel like your bones are dirty? Like, I could totally strip my meat suit and just give my ribs a good bleaching.”

“If that light fell out of the ceiling it would kill at least three of you and seriously injure the rest of us.”

“Nothing is stopping me from buying five ice cream flavors at once, but I'm learning self-control and Bee would be disappointed.”

“Currently having a manic episode. Should I A.) call Bee, tell her I'm not doing too great, and talk about my symptoms and how to best cope? B.) find the nearest mall and spend every dime I have in less than thirty minutes. Or C.) go apeshit and try to fight anyone and everyone who looks at me in a less-than-kind way. Children included.

*stage whisper* there's a secret fourth option but I'm saving it for later ;) (pronounced Semicolon left facing open parentheses. Yes he says this out loud)”

disappears for less than five minutes and comes back with three furrbies and a corndog, one that is obviously not from the mall's food court.

He's so fucking weird. Like, weirder than Neil, and it's awful (so good dude, the foxes eat it up)

And it's not the manic Andrew on meds. It's just Andrew. He's still Andrew. He's still quiet most of the time and he is still grumpy and apathetic, but he's also comfortable enoughto just blurt random shit out and have fun watching everyone figure out how to respond. He's found safety in his new family and he can openly be who he is without fear of judgment or rejection. He's happy in a way he's never felt nor ever thought he'd get to experience. He's just Andrew.

[no-gorms]

Steve/Tony, Hanahaki, UST, open ending

It is an unfortunate fact of Tony’s history that he’s familiar with the longing disease. Lung gardening. Hanahaki, or whatever other euphemisms they’ve come up with lately to describe it.

Naming conventions aside, Tony’s knows well enough what the affliction feels like – the warning sting at the back of the throat that’s followed by the pressure of something more personal, more vicious than mere phlegm. The body’s breathing apparatus has decided to betray its owner, and Tony’s had it enough times that he could be embarrassed, if he were the sort of person to be embarrassed by that kind of thing.

A cough, a heave, and then petals are cascading in a disgusting shower onto the tabletop. At least the tabletop is glass, which is easy to clean, and Tony’s reflexes were fast enough that he’d pushed Hill’s paper folder of printouts clear away.

Most people would be grateful to have their symptoms manifest in privacy. Those who do not, get used to the shocked silence that follows.

“Oh no,” comes Bruce’s voice from Tony’s left. Quiet, worried.

“Maybe—” Natasha clears her throat, businesslike, “—we can take five?”

“Ah, shit.” Tony straightens up and dabs at his mouth with a handkerchief. He eyes the pile of petals with a scowl, noting that they’re bright-colored blooms, as if he’s twenty years old all over again and doesn’t know any better. “Fantastic. Just what we needed today.”

“Yeah, we can take five—” Clint starts.

“As if we don’t have enough to do.” Tony sighs. “Goddammit, Steve.”

“What?” Steve says.

Being an old hat at surviving Hanahaki also means that Tony knows the faces he’ll see when he looks around the table. There’ll be surprise, concern, empathy, and discomfort in various combinations, and Tony gets all of that and then some, because the Avengers have so far rolled with a number of far greater inconveniences with grace.

“Look.” Tony takes one last cleaning swipe of his face with the handkerchief and drops it on the pile. “It’s not your fault, I’m not blaming you, but you gotta step up on this if we’re gonna make the flight out in time to follow Thor’s lead.”

“I, what—” Steve blinks twice, quick and robotic, before those same eyes widen.

Ah, so this is a surprise to Steve, which might be even more irritating than the Hanahaki itself. Tony could try to be half-full-cup about it and take it from the angle that this means that he hadn’t been too ridiculous openly about his burgeoning crush on the good Captain. But that would take more effort than he’s willing to expend.

It was supposed to be just admiration. Idle feelings to be nurtured like a baby bird of a side hobby. Good fucking going, Stark. What had Steve even been doing to make it tip over? Squinting at Natasha’s slide with that stoic yet judgmental purse of the mouth that usually has Tony internally clapping his hands with glee?

That could do it.

“Yeah, I know, it’s stupid,” Tony says, waving it off. “You don’t even like me as a human being, but I’m a masochist that way sometimes. Good news is, I’m also fickle, so it probably won’t be that hard to make me hate you. By this afternoon, hopefully? Or whenever you’re ready, I’m sure you’ll figure something out, but anyway this is still…” He eyes the pile of petals. “This is way early stages, we’ll have weeks, but the sooner the better.”

“What do you mean I don’t like you as a human being?” Steve says, as though that’s the most important part of what Tony just said.

“You need to be mean to me, okay?” Tony says.

Bafflement animates Steve’s normally poster-handsome face. Bafflement, and then offense, as though Tony just asked him to kick puppies, which Tony would never do, and anyway Tony isn’t a puppy. Steve can be mean, sometimes by accident and sometimes on purpose, and those glimpses of candid moments are so rare – for Tony, at least, since the others know Steve far better than Tony ever could – that Tony has and does treasure every single one.

Unfortunately, this thought sends a wave of affection rolling through Tony’s brain, which is followed by a wave of petals rolling out of Tony’s mouth. And this time they do destroy Hill’s folder of printouts.

He recovers faster this time, which may or may not be helped by Bruce patting his back gently.

“Sorry, correction.” Tony wheezes through an inhale. “You need to be mean to me, and not in a sexy way.”

“What—?” Steve starts.

“Stark means that you need to be cruel to him to stunt his feelings for you,” Thor says, nodding solemnly. “But to not use language that he’d find appealing. ‘Tis a fine line, indeed, I understand the challenge there.”

“Thor,” Bruce says.

“What?” Thor says.

“Right,” Clint says, “I think we should not be here for this.”

“We were finishing up anyway.” Tony stands up and shoves all the petals into the folder that will be going into the trash pronto. “I need to do a health scan but you guys can keep going with that entry route, and let me know what you’ve decided before suit up, yeah?“

“Tony,” Steve says. “You’re—that’s dangerous—”

“Yes, yes, I am aware,” Tony says irritably. “Romanoff, have my back?”

“We do face death on the regular,” Natasha says. “This is manageable.”

“See.” Tony points at Steve. “I’ll work on my part, but you have to do yours. Mean. You can do it, I believe in you. Just maybe… don’t use Howard?” He sighs. “No, you should probably use Howard. Anyway, I’ll be in lab, give me a buzz if there’s anything.”

Tony goes with a careless wave over his shoulder, and waits until he’s out of the room and the door is closed before he lets himself wince.

Could’ve gone worse, actually.

[ozzgin]

Greetings! How you doing today/tonight?

This is not a request or anything

Hopefully you're doing fine, cuz I'm not, I have a shitty cold rn and I just finished 5 tissue roll papers in just a few hours

Anyway this ain't about me, just wanted to see how you were doing since I've been a bit inactive with tumblr with the past few days

Have a great day/night :3

-🎧anon

Aww, sorry to hear that. We’re definitely entering cold/flu season. Mid-October I’ve gotten ill with some virus, no idea what it was, but I had no other symptoms other than terribly swollen sinuses. Which, in turn, pressed on my tooth nerves, so I had massive tooth pain for days. Never dealt with anything like that before and it sounds downright ridiculous, turns out it’s an actual thing. Start taking immunity supplements and avoid visibly sick people!

I know you said it’s not a request, but I couldn’t help the thought of “How would the Baki characters take care of you?” So I did write some short headcanons after all. For you and anyone else currently bedridden. :)

Baki Characters x Sick! Reader

Featuring Baki and Jack Hanma, Kaiou Retsu, Katsumi Orochi and Pickle. And a reader that’s battling a cold!

Baki Hanma

There are two stages of Baki’s involvement. Once you’re not answering his calls he will be at your front door, worried and considering ways to break in. That’s when he hears the muffled coughing and sneezing through the walls and figures it out: You’re sick. He’ll return with a bag of supplies and offer to stay at your place until you feel better. His help consists of quick Google searches, because he’s never had anyone doting on him and consequently has no idea how to care for someone in such situations.

Second and final stage is him getting sick from you. You’ll wake up in the middle of the night to see him trying to hold back his cough, at first denying his poor health until you touch his forehead and it’s burning. The bad news is that you’re both bedridden. Baki is beyond embarrassed, attempting to justify himself and explaining it has never happened before. Eventually one of his or your friends will show up and pay the occasional visit to play nurse. At least you’re not suffering alone. You’re not sure if it’s an actual saying, but you’re tempted to believe colds go away faster in good company.

Jack Hanma

You don’t want to interfere with Jack’s routine, so once you wake up with the familiar sore muscles, you decide to quietly recover from home. Jack notices your absence and while he does not want to be nonchalant and potentially impose on your personal troubles, he can’t help the curiosity. In fact, he spends the whole training time wondering why you’ve skipped your usual visits. So when you hear a knock on the door you don’t think twice about opening it. Probably your food delivery. Only when you notice Jack’s massive frame blocking any outside view, you gasp in surprise.

“Oh. You seem to be ill.” Is all he states before turning on his heels and leaving. You stand there baffled and eventually return to your warm bed. Just as you cozy up, there’s another knock and you groan, throwing the blankets off of you. This better be the hot soup you ordered. Except it’s Jack again, holding not only your delivery, but also multiple other bags with groceries peeking out. “Y-you’re back?” You mumble. “Well, can’t do much empty handed. Here’s your order, but I got some extra things to help with your cold”, he states as he invites himself in.

Kaiou Retsu

You know Retsu will be worried about you, so you try your best to mask the symptoms over the phone. “That’s a stuffed nose. Are you sick?” He immediately points out. Uh oh. You fumble with some excuses and he promptly hangs up. Have you upset him? You’re starting to feel bad. He’s never dropped out of a conversation like this before. You try to call back several times until you’re distracted by the sound of your doorbell. You’re not in the mood for visitors. You continue your attempts to reach Retsu as you approach the door and open it. “I suspected as much.” Your head snaps up hearing the familiar voice.

Before you can say anything, you’re casually lifted up and brought to your bed. As if he’s been doing it his entire life, the Kenpo master tucks you in and pulls out an apron from his bag. “I’ll check what ingredients you already have in your pantry and go buy the rest. Before that, I’ll make you a tea. Any preferences?” You open your mouth to speak, but he’s already walking away, describing the best choice of drink for the common cold. Really, the best thing you can do right now is to rest and leave everything else to him.

Katsumi Orochi

Usually, Katsumi will avoid using the spare key you’ve given him. On the other hand, he was supposed to pick you up for your regular date night and you haven’t answered his persistent knocking, so you leave him little choice. He quietly apologizes for the intrusion as he unlocks the door and tiptoes his way in. The lights are off and he’s becoming increasingly anxious, almost sprinting to your bedroom. He stops in his tracks once he sees you buried under the blankets, passed out and sweaty from an obvious cold.

Ah. Well, that makes sense. He smiles to himself and gently pats your forehead to make sure it’s nothing serious, then sneaks out of the room. You wake up hours later, groggy and sore. It suddenly occurs to you that you’ve slept through your date and jolt up, nearly collapsing in the process. You erratically search for your phone and call Katsumi to apologize. Simultaneously you hear his ringtone nearby, so you limp outside, confused. As you reach the kitchen, a pleasant smell invades your nostrils. Katsumi turns to look at you. “You’re awake! I made something to help with your cold. I’ll bring it to your bed, so you can go back and rest. We can’t skip our romantic dinner.” He chuckles after the last statement.

Pickle

Pickle has been ill at least once in his life, so he can quickly guess that your coughing and runny nose is not something that’s supposed to happen on the regular. Although, if he’s honest, he has no idea what he should do. He’d deal with his sickness by just sleeping it out, or downright ignoring it. Seeing you like this, however, fills him with an overwhelming desire to help you. He does love you, after all. Witnessing your suffering isn’t something he does with ease.

He manages to gesture the situation to Baki, who follows him back to your place and proceeds to do the first aid he’d sporadically learned over the years. A rather clumsy attempt, but it’s better than nothing. Once Pickle has observed the steps, he swiftly shoos the young boy away. All he needed was a little bit of demonstration, some brief instruction on the modern ways. Everything else will be done by him. It’s only proper that the actual care is performed by your partner. You’re a little afraid of the potential outcome to this experiment. Especially once you hear the loud rattles coming from the kitchen. Don’t worry, it’s all made with love.

*My partner has insisted that I include Yuujirou Hanma just to say that he’d tenderly piss on you. I compromised on a footnote.

[lokisbiiiitch1993]

Could I possibly request Loki x pregnant aesir (from Asgard) wife reader? Obviously, the first person they would tell is Frigga.

Thank you ❤️ for the Ask

Trigger Warning ⚠️🚨: a Baby + Pregnancy + small mention about being scared of Miscarriage + sad thoughts

The Pregnancy Announcement

It's been a few weeks since you know about your Pregnancy but kept it a secret from your Husband.

Wanting to wait just a little longer because you remembered what some Woman told you about the first Stage of a Pregnancy,it's dangerous - the Risk of a Miscarriage is very high .

You recall them saying to keep it concealed the first 12 Weeks - but Loki isn't stupid he knows right away something is wrong, you can't keep a Secret from him ,not that long anyway.

He figured it out by your Symptoms the mood changes, nausea, how tired and exhausted you are lately .

Loki knows that you are Pregnant with his Child but doesn't understand why you haven't told him ,he feels distressed,hurt and disappointed.

A few days later after taking a shower you looked at yourself in the Mirror, studied your Body, stared at your Belly and realized you can't hide it any longer.

Unintentionally you said it out loud - suddenly you hear Loki say " Oh ,is that so ?" in an Sarcastic Tone.

Nervous you answered " Loki , I .. listen..I can explain"

" You must have a good reason for sure" he replied hurt

" I wanted to tell you..I swear... I was too scared..I thought what if I tell you and then something happened... what if by telling you about it too early I jinxed it ...I didn't want to disappoint you..to make you sad .. I would rather suffer alone " you explain sobbing - cursing your Pregnancy Hormones

"My Love, don't you dare say something like that,I won't let you suffer alone,never.I am sure everything will be alright. "- Loki comforts - giving you a Hugg and a moment later he gently touches your Belly.

He whispered happily " Our Baby "

"I will be a Father " Loki beamed

"Yes ,my Dear ,

It's late , let's go to Bed , Daddy " you teased him

Two weeks later after your check up Appointment

- everything's alright with the Baby , the Heart Beat , the size -

Loki and you decided to tell Frigga about your Pregnancy - She should be the first to know.

Before visiting Loki's Mother you wanted to show him what you bought for Frigga - " Look Loki , isn't this Romper cute - It says ,I love my Grandma - and the little Socks are so adorable, aren't they " you giggled excited

Loki smiled kissing your Cheek.

A short time later you both went to Frigga's Chambers ,she was already waiting for Loki and you .

Frigga claimed it's been too long since the last time you both visited.

Loki answered quickly " I apologize Mother but my Wife wasn't feeling well lately"

"Ohh is that so ,well I hope She feels better now " Frigga replied worried

" Thank you, I feel much better now but more important .....We have to tell you something" you smiled joyful

"Mother,we also have something for you" Loki added ,giving her the cute Baby Clothes.

"I am Pregnant " you announced

Frigga responds pleased with Tears in her Eyes " I am so happy for both of you.I will be a Grandma soon "

A moment later she hugged both of you - kissed Loki's Cheek and told him how proud she is "Seeing you so happy was all I ever wanted my Dear Boy."

My Masterlist

[phoebepheebsphibs]

Double-Mutated Mikey

Chapter 19: Pathology

Continued from the short story written by @boots-with-the-fur-club

Prev || Next

Mikey wakes up to the sound of shouting and yelling.

"Oh, no.... oh no... oh no, oh no, oh nonononono...! Why today? This couldn't have happened like, last week, or maybe next month?!"

Mikey wonders what could be so upsetting to Leo. There's the sound of rushing back and forth, people shouting and whining and acting all terrified. He watches from his room as people keep running past his door.

A figure stops in his doorway -- Leo, by the smell and voice -- and flicks on the lights while yelling worriedly. The lights blind him momentarily as his vision switches from heat-seeking to binocular.

"Mikey! We gotta get you somewhere safe, bud..."

"Why?" he croaks.

Mikey doesn't even have to get out of the hammock before Leo scoops him up -- blankets and all -- and starts running with him.

"Dad's sick with rat flu!"

"Huh?"

"You don't remember rat flu?" Leo asks, looking down at Mikey as he runs. "Well, uh... it's this whole thing, it would take too long to explain. Basically, he gets a really bad cold and has weird symptoms. We don't wanna risk you getting infected just yet, so I'm having you bunker down in Dee's lab."

Mikey isn't sure what is going on, but everyone seems frantic. Leo drops him off in the lab, where Casey is also hiding out.

"Are you sure we'll be safe in here?" Casey asks, watching as Mikey is gently set down on the floor, blanket still wrapped around his shoulders.

"Probably... Splinter will be more focused on us than you, so all should be well... Have you ever seen rat flu, Casey?"

"A few times, though I don't remember much," Casey says with a shrug. "It happened mostly when I was a toddler, and before we had to eat Master Splinter."

"Okay, well, there's the seven stages -- wait, what?"

Leo shakes his head and holds up his hands.

"Nevermind, forget I asked, moving past, I don't ever want to know that story..."

"It was the apocalypse, we were running low on food, and his last wishes were--"

"But back to the rat flu!" Leo interrupts loudly, "Splinter will be going through the full seven stages, and those are way too chaotic for Mikey to be caught up in just yet. Besides, we don't know how well he's going to react to the flu if he should get contaminated by the germs. It's safest to just keep him in preemptive quarantine for now..."

"Alright, so what's first?" Casey asks, sitting next to Mikey.

Mikey shuffles just a bit away from him, eyeing Casey's hands nervously as his brother explains.

"First stage is fever, which -- oh man, I totally forgot about that..."

"What?" Mikey asks, concerned for why Leo is getting so bent out of shape. "What wrong?"

"Dad's first symptom is he gets overheated from the fever, so he cranks the AC all the way up," Leo groans, rushing out and shouting to the others. "Raph! I need blankets and a heater, stat!"

"Cold?" Mikey asks nervously.

"Yup, very cold. But we'll be prepared, don't worry," Leo says, as Raph rushes in with a stack of quilts and a heater.

"Will this be enough?" Raphael asks, handing half of the stack to the leader.

"I think so... Casey, there's a hoodie here, you should bundle up too," Leo says, throwing the oversized shirt at the future boy while Raph wraps Mikey up like a burrito.

"Danger?" Mikey asks nervously, watching Raph.

"No, there's no danger, it's just crazy and confusing," Raph reassures him.

Mikey can smell the fear. He can hear the nervous twinge in his voice. He can see the wrinkles on his head forming.

But Mikey trusts them. They may be scared, but they will help.

Mikey snuggles into the quilts and hums. Leo and Casey set up the heater before the two brothers leave the room.

"Casey knows how to work the door, so if anything goes wrong, he'll open it up, okay? But unless you hear one of us say something, keep this door locked for now."

"Leo safe? Raph safe?" Mikey asks.

"Sure! Like I said, it's just a flu."

Leo hands a communicator to Casey before he winks at Mikey, his smile strained and thin. The doors close with a hiss and a click, bolting from the inside out.

Mikey and Casey sit quietly as they wait.

Soon enough the air seems to chill, and their breaths can be seen as fog in the room. Mikey squirms in discomfort, pulling the blankets closer. Casey starts to shiver.

The communicator beeps, and Leo's voice chimes in.

"Stage one is in progress. You guys okay?"

"We're f-f-fine," Casey chatters. "K-k-keep us upd-d-dated."

"Will do."

The line clicks, and the two sit in silence.

Mikey shivers. The blankets help, but he can still feel the frigid chill of the air through the sheets. It doesn't hurt yet, but it is uncomfortable. The floor is ice under him. He tucks the quilts under his feet and legs as he tries to insulate himself better. He looks over to see Casey suffering by the heater. Mikey chirps at him to get his attention.

"Sh-sh-share?" he asks.

Casey looks Mikey up and down before nodding. Mikey hops over and opens his fortress, a gush of icey air whooshing in and stabbing his unprotected legs. He gasps and hisses through his teeth as Casey slides in and helps wrap the blankets around them again.

"The shared body heat will h-help," he says, his shivers shaking him to the core. "Thanks. I-I-I didn't think you l-liked m-m-me anymore..."

Mikey frowns.

"M-Mikey not h-hate Casey..."

He slinks into his shell a bit more.

"...Mikey s-s-scared of Casey..."

"Scared?" Casey stares wide at Mikey. "Why?"

"Mikey... not r-r-rem-member-r Casey. But Cas-s-sey human, humans scare Mikey," he whimpers.

Mikey hides his face under the blanket. Or maybe he's just trying to keep warm.

"Humans mean. Hate Mikey. Hurt Mikey. Mikey scared a lot... Mikey scared."

Casey sighs.

"I guess that makes sense. I-If I'm honest, I'd probably be scared of humans t-t-too..." He wraps his arms around the bundle. "But I'm glad you told me. I thought you just hated me!"

Mikey huffs, a shivering chuckle.

"Mikey th-th-thought C-Casey hate Mikey!"

"What? Why?"

"C-C-Casey-y look s-sad," Mikey explains. "Casey look sad at brothers, too. Casey l-look s-scared of Mikey..." Mikey sighs at the last sentence. "Mikey scares brothers. Mikey see. Mikey scary."

"You're n-not scary!" Casey lies. "We're just... concerned for your health. You went through a lot of injury, and we weren't there to help you. That's what scares us."

Mikey peeks up at him. CJ gently presses his head against Mikey's.

"We... we were so terrified, Mikey. You have no idea how happy I was to see you back... last week without you was a nightmare. I've never seen Leo so scared, and I saw him sacrifice everything to send me--"

He clears his throat.

"Uhm... getting off-topic. What I-I'm trying to say is... we're not scared of you, we're scared for you."

Mikey gives him a shy smile. He knows that Casey is lying. He can smell it. But Casey doesn't want to hurt him. Mikey purrs, nuzzling Casey's shoulder. CJ chuckles and pulls Mikey closer.

A moment later, the communicator beeps again.

"Stage two! Repeat, stage two, wild rat man! Donnie has been compromised!"

Casey pulls his wrist up to his face and leans in.

"What's going on out there?!"

"Donnie got pancaked by Splinter, he's quarantined now."

The boys hear a feral squeal over the comm lines, and both eyes go wide.

"S-S-Splinter-r-r?" Mikey asks.

"RUN!" a shout over the comms comes in. "Raph, this way, this way!!"

"W-w-ait, if Splinter's past the f-f-fever s-stage, then why is-s it still s-s-so c-c-c-cold-d-d???" Casey chatters.

"I told you, Donnie got quarantined! He hasn't rebooted the AC yet, and we're on a whole new system now so-- OH WAIT NO LOOK OUT!!"

There's a scuffle and a shuffle heard over the comms, and the two boys listen in intense silence. After a moment, Leo comes back onto the comms.

"Okay, we're good. Close call. How're you two holding up in there?"

"Cold," Mikey complains.

"We'll get to work on resetting the AC. Raph got Donnie's S.H.E.L.L.D.O.N.2.0 to lead Splinter away for the moment... I think we're in the clear..."

Several minutes pass by. Mikey and Casey sit in the lab, cold and waiting. Ten minutes go by. Fifteen.

Mikey's body starts jerking, seizing, convulsing. The pain starts to set in, his body can't handle the low temperature. He gasps, a sharp stabbing sensation in his chest that aches and spreads across his body. He doubles over, clutching his chest with one hand and gripping the blankets with the other.

Casey pulls him closer. Mikey is pressed against his chest, he can CJ's his heart beating. He focuses on that.

Ba-dump. Ba-dump. Ba-dump.

Casey pulls the comms up again.

"Guys, what's the holdup? Mikey's starting to--"

The lights go out. The heater shuts down. The door hisses and a loud click echoes in the room. Mikey yelps and hugs Casey.

"That's... not good...."

The comms click.

"Ah! Ninja supreme! Stage four!!"

"What happened to stage three?!" Casey shouts. "What have you been doing this whole time?! WHERE ARE YOU GUYS?!"

"He's in the vents!" Raph shouts through the mic.

Mikey hears scratching and scurrying from above. Mikey makes a quick sound, a yelping chirp to warn Casey, before Splinter suddenly descends from the ceiling vents and lands with a smoke bomb on the floor. Mikey and Casey scramble in opposite directions.

The blankets fall off of Mikey's shoulders. He whines in pain, holding himself tight as the cold causes his body to go rigid like he's been frozen solid.

His tail jerks, curling around him in snapping movements, like he's a disc been scratched too many times and it keeps freezing and playing one moment at a time. It's agony, it's killing him, Mikey can't breathe anymore... his lungs feel like they're collapsing inside of him, his bones turn seize up and go stiff in place, his head is buzzing with pins and needles, and his limbs feel like freezer-burn.

Splinter -- in his full ninja garb -- crouches over Mikey and touches his shoulder, inspecting him. Mikey winces, the meager warmth from his father's hand burns against the ice that is his scaly skin. Casey shouts out Mikey's name, and Splinter dashes away into the darkness.

Casey rushes over to Mikey, checking him for injuries.

"Mikey? Mikey!! Michelangelo!! Oh no, oh no... can you hear me?"

Mikey tries to lift his head up to talk to him. He can barely move it, it feels stiff and it hurts to turn his neck. He manages to move his eyes to look up at Casey. He opens his mouth, trying to force out words, a croak, a whimper, anything. All he can manage is a ragged and laboured breath, a gasp for air as he writhes without moving.

"I'm gonna get the guys, I'm gonna get you warm, just stay with me!"

Mikey loses all feeling in his limbs. His tail stops moving. His torso goes numb before it too becomes lost in static. Mikey turns some kind of ghost, and nothing can touch him anymore, and nothing hurts anymore. His ears start ringing, a stuffy distortion that blocks out most sounds. Casey Jr. is two feet away from him, but his voice is far far away. Time slows down, an tormenting eternity that is all of three seconds long.

"Stay with me, Mikey! Stay... stay..."

Everything goes dark. Mikey's eyes slip shut.

He exhales softly.

He doesn't inhale.

.

.

.

"We have to find some way to keep him in line!" Dr. Timothy shouts. "Otherwise, he'll be running rampant throughout the labs!"

"Dr. Chaplin is working on a device that can control--"

"I know what he's working on, Abigail," he interrupts. "But that device won't be ready for quite some time, and we need something now!"

"Then, perhaps we turn to biology?" she offers.

"How do you mean?"

"This specimen has several different species genetic code integrated into his DNA. Perhaps we can find some weakness within the genetics to use against him, should the necessity arise."

"Hm... that could work. Nothing lethal, of course, just uncomfortable for him. Did you have anything specific in mind?"

Mikey watches from his cage as the two scientists look over a series of codes before turning back to look at him.

"Could work..." Timothy mumbles.

"We'll never know unless we try," Abigail replies.

Mikey watches as the two walk out for a moment before coming back in, wearing thick jackets. Timothy turns the air down. Mikey is confused until he starts to jerk slightly. What's... what's happening to him? Why does the air hurt?? Timothy watches him start to shiver and convulse.

"I was right," Dr. Abigail Finn says with a sly smile. "The three reptile DNA mixings have caused a severe reaction to brumation. His system goes into shock."

"Let's see how much he can handle," Timothy chuckles before grabbing a fire extinguisher and soaking Mikey in a cold foam.

"What are you doing?!" Abigail asks, moving away from him.

"Conducting an experiment, of course."

Mikey screams in pain before toppling over. It burns with how cold it is.

"We'll have to weaponize this," Dr. Timothy laughs. "Should be simple enough to concoct a device that can create cold gusts of air... I'll have Honeycutt get to work on the designs..."

Mikey shivers, drowning in the icy cold pain...

.

.

.

Mikey's consciousness slowly thaws. It's still dark... his body is still numb and lost... but there's... sound...

"...Mikey... poor guy... should be getting warmer..."

"...didn't mean to, I tried..."

"...not your fault, Pops, just what happens..."

"...should have done better... it's been hours... is he okay?"

"...brumation...body slows down... he'll be fine..."

"...getting a pulse, he's breathing again...!"

"Mikey? Can you hear us?"

Mikey moans, the first part of his body he can (sort of) control. He hasn't been this tired since... since... some time ago. The first mutation. Not that he really remembers much of it...

Mikey's eyes softly open. Light shines in. His whole family is here. Casey is here. Everyone is watching over him. When did they all get here? Where has Mikey been in this absence of consciousness?

Uggh, he feels awful.

Leo comes into view.

"Heyyyyyy, mi hermano. Can you hear me?"

Mikey nods weakly. At least, he thinks he does. He still can't sense much. The feeling comes in slowly, soft prickling and paresthesia. The first thing he feels is extreme heat and shaking. He's shivering. Still? But it's so hot...

Hot... but... he likes the warmth... so why is this unbearable?

Mikey moans again. His head is swimming. His breathing heavy, it's hard to get the air into his lungs. Mikey squirms, sweat breaking out across his brow and under his arms as he shakes.

"Mmnghh... Mikey no... feel... good..."

Leo presses the back of his hand against Mikey's head. It's not cold, but against the feverish heat emanating from Mikey, it's heavenly chilled. Leo winces, his brow furrows in concern.

"You're burning up... Dad, when you broke into Dee's lab, did you touch Mikey? Do you think you might have infected him?"

Splinter's eyes widen as he realizes.

"Oh... I think I might have..."

"So, is Mikey sick now?" Raph asks. "He's got rat flu, too?"

"Why is it just hitting him now, when he was infected hours ago?" Casey asks.

Hours...? Mikey's been a ghost for hours...?

"I'm guessing the brumation put Mikey's body into a sort of stasis. All body functions stopped until he thawed out," Donnie explains. "Brumation causes reptile like turtles, snakes, and lizards (all of which Mikey has the DNA of) to go into a sort of hibernation when it gets too cold. They slow down to an extreme, and might even stop breathing, but they won't die."

Mikey writhes on the bed. His tail thrashes, almost whipping Leo in the leg. Whatever is happening to him now, whether it's a side effect of brumation or whatever fever he caught from Splinter, he hates it.

Leo watches Mikey in concern.

"So, uh... no problem, no issue. We'll just take care of him while he gets over rat flu..."

"But who's gonna take care of him?" Raph asks.

"Uh...Donnie's the only one who got infected this year, and he already went through the symptoms, so he should be immune now..." Leo looks over to his twin. "Do you think you could play nursemaid?"

"You mean take over your job?" he asks snidely. "Of course. I mean, I've already lost a lot of work time on the anti-mutagen, so I might as well..."

Donnie sighs with exasperation as he taps his wrist tech, creating a checklist for the seven stages and supplies he'll need.

"Okay... so this will be interesting to see unfold. Stage 1 is fever, but Mikey's reaction to the low temperatures prohibits anything cold coming into contact with him. Any suggestions, Leo?"

"Give him lots of water, and ibuprofen. We can try to bring down his fever with warmer waters, but I'm not sure if that would help..."

"Copy that. Next stage is wild rat man... or in this case, wild Mikey. That should be fun," Donnie says, the last sentence a soft grumbling whisper. "With Mikey's animal instincts, everyone needs to be on alert. We don't know how he'll react..."

As Donnie continues to explain the seven stages again, Mikey lets himself crumble into a short-lived sleep while he waits for the rest of his body to wake up.

Stage 1: FEVER

Mikey hates this.

Every part of him aches, a dull but everlasting ache. He is constantly shifting between the heat of the sun and below freezing.

He can never get comfortable, he keeps kicking the blankets off as his fever causes delirium and slight nausea.

Donnie does what he can, having him drink as much water as possible while dabbing his face with a wet cloth. But it's all too cold, even if it's lukewarm. Against the burning inferno of his fever, it's practically glacial.

Mikey weeps at the torment his body is putting itself through. Donnie works in silence until Mikey makes some sort of rambling beg for him to talk so he knows that he's still in the room. Between the aches and the delerium, he can't always tell...

Donnie talks about his latest tech design. He talks about S.H.E.L.L.D.O.N.2.0 and the upgrades he made in Mikey's absence. He talks about some of the studies he's been making into genetic mutations and modifications to the DNA and... he sounds upset. He stops talking about that and moves on to a new subject. He talks about botany or something.

Mikey groans in agony and mumbles something... not even he knows what he's saying... Donnie presses his hand to Mikey's sweat-soaked head. He grimaces at the wetness, but sighs with relief.

"I think your fever is starting to break... that's a good sign--"

"Gggggggrrrhhhh..."

"...Mikey?"

Mikey's eyes squeeze shut as he groans, grumbles, growls...

His eyes snap open, the pupils shrink into thin lines that immediately lock onto Donnie. He snarls, his teeth elongating into sharp fangs.

"...Oh banana pancakes," Donnie says flatly as he starts to get up.

Stage 2: FERAL MIKEY.

Leo and Raph are eating lunch with casey, having ordered a pizza and subs due to the day's earlier havoc. Leo plays with the pineapple and ham toppings as he frets over Mikey.

"Dude," Raph scolds, pointing at the slice going cold. "Just eat it already, or put it back in the box."

"Do you think he's doing okay?" Leo asks. "I mean, I know it's only a flu, but after everything that's happened to him already, I'm just worried what this will do to him, I mean, we have no idea how shot his immune system is already from his captivity and malnutrition, and then coupled with the mutations--"

"Leo," Raph says in between bites of his footlong. "You need to chill. I'm freaking out too, but that's not going to do any good. Donnie's got this for now, if he needs any help then he'll let us know--"

"HELP!!"

"...I think he just let us know."

The trio run out to find Dee being chased by a wild Mikey, his tail spiked and quills raised, his eyes glowing bright yellow with blood red as he chases after Donnie, snarling all along the way. Mikey slithers up the walls and ceiling, perching above them all, his head and neck twisting around as he watches them somewhat creepily.

"Oh dang," Leo says, pointing. "That's terrifying. I'm not alone on this, right? That's some 'The Ring' bone-cracking-bending-in-odd-ways type of scary?"

"Not the time, Nardo," Donnie grumbles.

"What's 'The Ring'?" Casey asks.

Mikey snarls loudly, analyzing who to attack first. His eyes stop on Raph and his sandwich.

"Uh-oh," the eldest whispers.

Mikey jumps down from the ceiling, roaring as he pounces down at his brothers. Raph shrieks in terror as he throws the sandwich at his feral brother. Mikey grabs the sub in his mouth and starts to attack it viciously, ripping it apart with his teeth and fangs, shaking it all around as he kills it dead.

"Uh, we start running now, right?" Casey asks.

"Yes. We run now."

The four make a mad dash down the hall, running into the garage and locking the door behind them.

"That... that was terrifying," Leo gasps. "I didn't know he could be that scary... was he like that when you found him?"

Leo turns to look at Raph and Donnie, who pant as they lean against the shell hogs for balance.

"Uh... more or less," Raph admits. "He was lucid when I found him, but once the other experiments were released he went kinda savage and attacked them to protect me."

"He also bit you."

Raph rubs over the spot on his wrist that Mikey punctured. It's healing fast, thanks to Draxum's genetic-whatever-he-did-to-them when they were babies. But the thought of Mikey's face when he came to and saw what he'd done... that hurt much more than any bite.

He hopes to pizza supreme that Mikey won't remember anything from the fever... poor kid probably couldn't handle it...

There's a pounding against the door.

"Agh!" Leo jumps as the loud noise echoes through the garage. "Don't let him in! The door's going to hold, right?"

"But of course!" Donnie says with a nervous chuckle. "I restructured everything after the invasion. Not even a krang could break down that door. The only thing that could get it open is --"

'Hamato Family Override Accepted,' a computer voice sounds.

"...is if someone with the code unlocks the door," Donnie moans.

The doors open slowly, revealing Splinter, standing in the doorway with an irritated expression on his face.

"Boys," he says in his scolding voice. "would you care to explain to me why you left your brother in the state he's in?"

"We had to!" Leo says, hiding behind Raph. "He was going to rip off an arm or something!"

"What are you talking about?" Splinter asks, stepping aside to reveal a very flushed Mikey with a sad expression on his face, eyes wet and pupils so wide they engulf the majority of his eyes.

Mikey sees his brothers and starts crying with joy as he rushes towards them, sloppily landing on Raph's feet and hugging his legs tightly.

"Rrrrraaaaappphiiieee!" he sings, rubbing his cheek against his big brother's ankles. "Miiikeeeeyyyy loveesss youuu..."

Stage 3: CAPTAIN CUDDLECAKES

Raph stares down in shock, frozen still for fear of what else Mikey might do. But Mikey just looks up and him with grabby hands as he cries for affection.

"Pickkkk me uuuup, Raphhiieee.... hold me, please, Raaaaaaphhie..."

"Uh... okay..." he says with hesitance, kneeling down and gently tucking his hands under Mikey's arms as he hoists him up.

Mikey's body is limp like a noodle, swaying back and forth as Raph holds him at arm's length. Mikey's face is bright red from fever, his smile dopey, his eyes half-opened and unfocused, his head lolls rom side to side. He giggles lazily, holding onto Raph's hands and slowly pulling himself closer to him, sort of crawling-slash-climbing across his arms to get to his chest.

"Raaaaaphieee.... I love Raphie... I loves him sooooooo muchesss..."

"Is... is he okay?" Leo asks, a quick giggle escaping him.

"Delirium," Donnie says knowingly with a nod. "He's delirious."

"Are you sure?" Casey asks.

"I'm an ice cream kitty," Mikey says dopily, giggling as he wraps himself over Raph's shoulders. "I'm a cat called Klunk..."

"Pretty sure," Donnie answers flatly.

"He's really cuddly," Raph chuckles, rubbing his hand over Mikey's burning head.

Mikey hums with contentment as he continues to wrap under Raphael's chin, back over the shoulders, and around his neck again...

"Uh, Mikey?" Raph gasps, as Mikey's torso and tail starting to tighten around his throat and choke him. "Mike-- that's too tight, buddy -- Mikey -- gack!!"

Donnie and Leo rush forward and try to loosen Mikey from around his brother. Mikey whines at them, tiredly slapping them away as he nuzzles Raph's face, which is starting to turn blue.

"Boa instincts," Donnie diagnoses as he tries to get Mikey to let go. "Come on, Michael, let go, let go, let -- nggh -- go!"

"Stahp pullin'!" Raph chokes out. "Gettin' tight--!"

"He won't release!" Donnie grumbles. "I don't think he understands what he's doing! It's his animal traits taking over..."

Leo's eyes brighten as he gets an idea. He starts scritching and scratching around Mikey's neck, looking for a specific spot. Mikey starts to giggle, shoulders hunching up and tail loosening. Leo gets to a spot just under the jaw on his right side and scratches. Mikey's eyes pop as he falls into Leo's hold with a mad cackle, legs kicking as he jerks back and forth from giggles. Raph gasps for air and collapses to his knees as he clutches his throat.

Mikey wiggles out of Leo's hold and onto the floor as he continues to laugh himself silly from the special spot Leo found.

"H-how... cough cough... how'd ya know that would work?" Raph hacks.

"I didn't," Leo confesses with a shrug. "I thought he'd faint like in 'How To Train Your Dragon' or something."

Mikey's laughter starts to calm, and he relaxes against the floor, deep sighs of relief as his brothers talk over him.

"I think it's safe to assume that his flu is causing his animal attributes to take over," Donnie informs. "Which isn't good news for the next stage..."

Stage 4: NINJA HUNTER SUPREME

"It's okay," Casey says, trying to calm the room. "I-I'm sure it will be fine, all we have to do is keep an eye on him aaaaaand we lost him," he groans, looking down to where Mikey had been a second ago.

"Alright, nobody panic! We're fine, we're fine, we're--"

"Achoo!" Raph sneezes.

"Welp, Raph's infected now, we need to quarantine him," Donnie groans. "Who could have seen this coming, he said sarcastically."

"I'm okay, I can just -- Achooie!"

"Yeah no," Leo scolds as he helps lead Raph to the door. "You're getting into bed. We're all sticking together too, so everyone be on the lookout for you-know-who..."

The group slowly but surely trudge towards the traincars on the other side of the lair, stopping at every doorway to inspect the rooms for Mikey. He's nowhere to be seen... and that's terrifying.

Just before they get to Raph's room, Donnie's wrist tech beeps at him. One of the motion sensors has gone off.

"Wait a sec," Donnie whispers, tapping the security footage. "I think Mikey might be in the sewer tunnels..."

"What?" Leo whispers back. "Why would he go all the way out there?"

"I'm not sure, but if he gets lost --"

"I'll go after him," Leo answers. "You guys watch Raph and help quarantine him for now before the fever sets in too bad."

Leon grabs his swords and runs to the exits. Casey watches him nervously as he helps Donnie maneuver the former leader into his bedroom as the fever starts to take effect.

As soon as Leo gets to the tunnels, he gets the eerie feeling he's being watched. He's not sure where the sensation is coming from, but three years of being a ninja vigilante and 16 years of living in secrecy under the surface of the greatest city ever has trained him to hone in on these gut feelings and sixth senses. There is someone... or something watching him.

It's unnerving.

He steps into the tunnels and looks both ways. No sign of Mikey. He takes out his comm and leans into the speaker to whisper.

"Hey Don, which way did he go?"

"*Krrsh* I don't know, I didn't see on the recording. I just saw a notif that something set off the perimeter alert. Over. *Krsh*"

Leo doesn't like this. Maybe Mikey never actually left the lair. Maybe this was all... a trap.

Leo's ninja senses tell him to be careful. He turns around quickly and looks up. Mikey is staring down at him from the ceiling.

He drops down like a spider, crashing down onto Leo, who shouts in terror as he opens a portal just beneath his feet. The two fall through, one after the other. Leo portals them back to the traincars, shouting for backup as he runs away while Mikey regains his footing and inspects the new area.

"FOUND HIM! I FOUND HIM! HELP!"

Casey and Donnie jump into the hall quickly, brandishing weapons on instinct.

Leo frantically scrapes his katanas across the floor as he runs away, creating a series of portals that surround Mikey. The feral mutant boy falls through one and pops out in a random place, three other portals boxing him in.

"There," Leon pants. "That should keep him busy for now..."

Mikey sniffs one of the portals, and his eyes widen. He steps through, following his nose and navigating perfectly through each portal, gaining speed with every step until he arrives from behind the trapped trio.

"Or not..." Leo swallows.

Mikey growls, licking his teeth as he stalks them, getting ready to leap in three... two... one...

Mikey pounces on Leo, gripping the handle of one katana between his set jaws and yanking it out of Leo's grip. He clutches onto his brother's shoulders, pinning him down as he tries to rip the second sword away.

"AAGH!!!" Leo screams, kicking wildly as Mikey snarls and drools all over him and his weapon. "GET IT OFF! GET THIS THING OFF OF ME--!!"

Donnie activates his hover-shell and directs it to attach to Mikey, lifting him up and carrying him away. But Mikey still clings tightly to Leo, who is struggling against his brother's death grip on his shoulders. Mikey's nails dig in tight, making Leo cry out in pain.

Casey jumps up and catches on Leo's feet, pulling him loose from Mikey's hold. Mikey is flown away, screeching in anger as the hover-shell turns a corner and disappears with its passenger.

"Sensei-- Leo, are you okay?" Casey asks, eyeing the claw marks with concern.

"I-I'm f-fine," Leo manages, his breath shaky and eyes wide but lost. "I... I'll be okay... I... achoo!"

"Welp, we've lost another brother," Donnie sighs as he carries Leo to his room. "I estimate that we have at least five more minutes before Mikey comes back in a new stage. Casey, you go to my lab and lock yourself in there. Reboot the security system and put the whole lair on a lockdown. We can't risk Mikey escaping, got it?"

Casey nods nervously before rushing away.

Donnie helps Leo get into bed as the fever already starts to set in.

"H-he... he really got me, huh...? Woof, why is it so hot in here???" Leo mumbles as he topples into the bed. "Why is the room spinning so much?? I don't remember booking tickets to the tilt-n'-whirl..."

"I'll get the fan going for you," Donnie mutters.

"I... I feel bad..."

"You'll feel better in a minute--"

"I called him a thing."

Donnie pauses as he looks back at Leo, who's starting to cry softly as he hugs his pillow.

"I was just scared. I'd never seen him so angry or vicious. Not even against the krang... he looked like he really was gonna kill me..."

"He wouldn't," Donnie reassures him flatly. "Mikey would never do that."

"Do you think he hates me now?" Leo whimpers. "Do you think he heard me? He'll remember that? I don't actually think of him like that, I... I don't think he's a monster, I don't... gawd, why is it so hot in here?!"

Donnie rolls his eyes as he plugs in the high-speed fan and aims it at Leo. He sighs with relief from the cold winds blowing in his face.

"We can talk about it later. Right now I have to find Mikey."

Leo hums as he falls asleep on the bed.

Donnie runs back out, closes the door to the traincar, and rounds the corner into the hallway beyond... where he finds the smashed remains of his hover-shell, and no Mikey.

Fantastic.

Stage 5: KARAOKE LOVE SONGS

Donnie can hear Mikey singing loudly. But not in English. He's howling and yowling and chirping some incoherent animal gibberish in the TV room. Splinter probably left one of his old romance soap operas on, and somebody must've busted out into a love ballad.

Donine steps closer to watch him and surveil. The noise could damage his ears with how loud and high-pitched it gets, but at least Mikey's pacified. For the moment.

Donnie messages Casey from his wrist tech; he doesn't expect that he could hear him if he tried the comms.

D: HOW'S IT GOING IN THERE?

CJ: PRETTY GOOD. ALL EXITS SECURED.

D: GREAT. MIKEY IS... SINGING (QUESTION MARK?)

CJ: LOL DOES IT SOUND THAT BAD?

D: I WOULDN'T KNOW, MY HEARING IS PERMANENTLY DAMAGED NOW.

Dee turns back to smile at Mikey, who's howling has softened and slowed to simple hums. He scratches behind his ears with his foot before getting up and dizzily trotting back to his traincar bedroom. Donnie follows from behind, staying quiet as he can. He's not sure what the next stage will do to Mikey's animal brain...

Michelangelo starts looking around his room, coughing every once in a while and sneezing on occasion before finding a large roll of paper that April dropped off some time ago. Mikey knocks it down and rolls it out, carefully setting the paints out as well. That's when he sees Donnie.

He smiles weakly and ushers him in with a soft yawn turned cough.

Donnie walks in and sits beside his brother, helping to open the jars as Mikey starts to draw images...

Stage 6: STORYTIME

Stage six is fanfiction, Donnie knows this. But for some reason, Mikey isn't making fanart or comics of his favourite characters. Donnie wonders why... he maybe doesn't recall them...? He only just remembered Lou Jitsu a few days ago, so it's not out of the question. Donnie's stomach turns when he considers that Mikey not remember that their father was Lou Jitsu...

But he's definitely drawing something. His hands still shake, and he tears the paper every other stroke, but he's making a story to tell with his art. Mikey uses his tail as a paintbrush, gentle but sloppy strokes. It's easier than finger-painting with claws. Donnie sees images of a green thing with yellow spots in a cage... needles and crude doodles of knives and pink monsters... humans in white that kick and hit and zap and freeze the poor green and yellow figure... It doesn't take long for Donnie to realize what story he's telling.

The poor green and yellow thing is crying in his cage. It almost looks like... he's waiting for something...

Then Donnie sees a purple figure. A blue one. Red.

It's them.

But Mikey omits an orange companion. Donnie points this out.

"Why didn't you draw yourself?" he asks.

Mikey looks up at him with concern, and for a moment he's worried he broke Mikey's oh-so-sensitive concentration. But instead he shakily dips his tail in the orange paint and... stalls...

The paint drips onto the paper while they wait for Mikey to make his artwork. But he doesn't.

"Do you... need some help?"

Mikey nods with a sniffle. Dee chalks that up to a runny and stuffy nose. Same with the gloopy eyes that hold tears in them, that's just some kind of irritation or fever. Not the other, more difficult thing -- emotions.

Donnie reaches over and takes his brother's tail, helping Mikey draw a stick figure with round cheeks and a mask with a bow. Mikey leans down to stare at the drawing, analyzing it with astonishment.

Why does he look at it like that? Why is he so surprised by his own image? Why doesn't he... recognize...

Mikey's eyes glaze over, as he slowly sits back up and exhales. Mikey's vision is far away, lost in thought.

Stage 7: MUST SAY YES

Donnie waves a hand in front of Mikey's face. No reaction. Donnie sighs.

"Mikey?"

Mikey turns his head to look at Donnie with a quiet mew.

"I know you'll say 'yes' to anything I ask for. So, I want you to..."

He wants Mikey to tell him why he didn't draw himself. Why he reacts the way he does when they leave him alone. Why he is so scared of Casey and April, why he didn't remember their names or Lou Jitsu or anything. Why he has a voice in his head, and what the voice tells him. He wants to ask for him to get better and get back to normal as quickly as possible. He wants to ask him to be his same old Mikey self again.

Donnie sighs.

"...I want you to get some rest and heal up. Okay, buddy?"

Mikey gives a weak smile before closing his eyes and flopping against Dee's chest, wheezing with each breath he makes. Donnie rolls his eyes and lifts his congested baby brother up into the hammock bed, tucking him in and making sure that he's nice and warm.

He steps out of the traincar after turning off the lights. He's utterly spent, he might try taking a nap too...

Until Casey runs up to him, a worried expression on his face.

"Donatello! Donatello!"

"Shh!" he shushes quickly, signing that Mikey is fast asleep and resting. "What is it?"

"I was reviewing security footage in the labs, and saw that Mikey never went outside the tunnels..."

"What? But the sensors --"

"Sensed something, yeah, so I went back and looked for what it was. I found this hiding outside the entrance to the lair," he says, reaching into one of his fanny packs.

Casey pulls out a mediocre miniature drone, complete with camera and microphone. The device is no better than scrap metal now, having been partially destroyed by Casey's weaponized hockey stick.

"It may have taken me by surprise..."

Donnie stares down at it. There's a small logo printed on the side with the initials EPF.

"...How long has it been here?"

"We got the alert around... maybe fifteen minutes ago?"

"Are there any more?" Dee asks, his tone low and frightfully serious.

"I don't know," Casey answers. "But I can do a perimeter sweep."

"Good idea," Donnie says, rushing away. "I'm going to create an invisible fence around the lair that knocks out any unrecognized tech. Then, I'm going to see how damaged this scrapheap is. If the receptor and signal output are still intact... maybe I can find out what our friends at the EPF are up to."

.

.

.

Dr. Timothy stares down at the wretched mutated human in a cage, wearing a torn and tattered uniform.

What a disgusting failure.

His face is misshapen and bearing three eyes, his arms (one of which is scarred from talon gashes and bite marks) are covered in fur, his hands are like bear claws and his feet are webbed. He is an amalgamation of random things, and now he's in the cage that belonged previously to 'Mikey'.

Timothy scowls at the mutation. It was a wild test, anyways. Nothing important. Just to see what would happen... Honestly, it was more as a punishment for damaging Mikey's brain than an actual scientific pursuit. And it's not like anyone will miss him; he was nothing important, anyways...

Nothing is important. Nothing matters now. Nothing but finding that one experiment again. The only successful mutation... Mikey.

The man in the cage whines at Dr. Timothy. He cannot speak anymore. Nothing more than a dumb animal. Which, from the intelligence he showed before mutation, is quite possibly an improvement.

Timothy kicks the cage in frustration. The man yipes and backs away, whinging like a dog.

What to do, what to do...

None of the mutations have worked right. None of them show any signs of increased intelligence. It seems the opposite, their minds decrease and their problem-solving skills evaporate. The physical toll on their bodies is heavy, and some never even survive the first round of mutation. None of them can take orders. None of them can fight with complexity and agility. None of them can be trained. None of them can understand basic commands or words or anything of the English language, or any language. They're all just stupid, dumb animals! None of them have had the success rate that Mikey did. Why? What about him was so special??

He was already mutated...

There are a handful of mutated freaks out there now, running amok and wreaking havoc. How were they changed? Why has it worked with them? What could have possibly done it for them, and why can't they recreate this phenomenon?!

Dr. Timothy has always been interested in mutations and enhancements. This reason is why he joined the science division of the EPF. He knows most of the scientists here are working to save the alien-infected citizens. And Tim is all for that! Why not help humanity? But why stop at simple cures, why not go bigger? There are some freaks running amok in the streets, a result of odd glowing bugs released upon the masses almost three years ago. These mutations have made the humans stronger, faster, better. They can withstand almost anything! They are practically indestructible! These idiots think that saving humanity means eradicating the mutants. They couldn't be more wrong.

It's the humans who need to be... shall we say, updated?

What a weak and pathetic species. Slow, soft, squishy and easily injured. Bruisable. Breakable. Like putty.

But add some extra features and a killer instinct... and you've got yourselves a prime class of creatures that can stand tall for centuries!

Why not be better? Why not be stronger?! Why can't they see that?!

Timothy wrings his hands through his hair, growling at the unfairness of the situation. If only he could get his hands on that mutie again... if only he could have Mikey back.

That is the only thing that matters to him now.

Getting that mutant turtle back.

It's all he thinks about. The good news is that they've sent spy drones into the tunnels and seem to have gotten some interesting footage before mysteriously going dead... Timothy is having another wave sent in within the next three days, max.

The others may have seen his passion for the science, but this is different. This is mania. This is an obsession...

Timothy will do whatever it takes to get that mutant turtle back into his possession, and figure out how he survived the mutations.

And then...

He will become the better man. The better, more dominant species.

The better mutant.

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[hayatheauthor]

How To Write And Research Mental Illnesses 

Mental illnesses are a large aspect of literature often incorporated into various different genres. However, even with their prevalence, many authors are often unaware of how to write about mental illnesses accurately. If you’re an author writing a character with a mental illness, here are some tips on how to write with mental illnesses. 

Don’t ‘Self Diagnose’ Your Characters 

When writing about mental illnesses it’s important to consider whether or not your character would realistically have this mental illness given their situation and story. Many authors often ‘self diagnose’ their characters without actually taking the time to research these illnesses and figure out whether their character would develop this illness if they were a real person. 

I say ‘self diagnose’ because as authors we generally do diagnose our characters based on our own interpretations and plans for them and their story, without looking to real people with these illnesses. 

Just because your character is going through an unproductive slump doesn’t mean they they are depressed. Just because your character is nervous and experiencing stage fright doesn’t mean they have anxiety. 

Take the time to look into these mental illnesses and genuinely consider whether or not your character has a mental illness, or if you’re just self diagnosing and wrongly labelling them. 

Do Your Research 

Whenever I blog about such sensitive topics, I always find myself ultimately mentioning this one point. This is because even with so many resources available to us both online and offline, writers still choose to be blissfully unaware of sensitive topics mentioned in their WIPs or stories. 

I sincerely cannot stress how important it is for a writer to do their due diligence and research the topics they write for, especially if it is something as sensitive as mental illnesses. 

Once you have established that your character would realistically develop or undergo a mental illness given the situation they are in, it is now time to research what exactly they would go through. 

A simple google search can tell you everything you need to know about your character’s mental illness. Or, you could reach out to people you know who suffer from the same illness and ask them questions about it. 

Researching your character’s mental illness helps ensure you don’t accidentally misrepresent that illness or create symptoms that are inaccurate and insulting to people who do suffer from that mental illness. It will also provide you with a sense of ease as an author, and allow you to work on your WIP without having to worry about accidentally offending an entire community. 

Remember The Three Ss

One of the biggest challenges writers face with writing with mental illnesses is unrealistic representation. Unsure where to start with your research? Here is a simple guide for you to keep in mind. 

When writing about mental illnesses, you need to recall the three Ss: 

Symptoms 

Side effects 

Stages 

Symptoms 

Every illness or disease has its own symptoms, the same applies to mental illnesses. When writing about a character with mental illnesses, you need to take the time to research the symptoms of this illness and how these symptoms can impact your character on a day-to-day and general level. 

For example, a character with PTSD would face trouble sleeping and concentrating, would be irritable, angry and face overwhelming guilt or shame. These symptoms can all make it hard for a person to excel at school or the workplace and can lead to delayed deadlines, unfinished work, and a lot of stress and anxious thinking. 

A character with PTSD would likely not be able to handle being at the top of their class, unless they completely engross themselves in their studies to the point where they can’t think of anything except that. However, if that were the case then they would find it very hard to handle ‘normal’ situations and wouldn’t be getting a lot of sleep. 

Side Effects 

A side effect is a temporary and commonly unwanted effect of a drug or medical condition. Unlike a symptom, a side effect can be harmful or beneficial and most go away on their own over time. 

They wouldn’t be considered as ‘serious’ as a symptom, however, they can still significantly impact your character, their story, and their dynamics with the characters they interact with. 

Following the above example, a character with PTSD would generally suffer from an inability to develop or maintain positive, healthy interpersonal relationships and an inability to trust others. They also often face side effects such as social isolation, chronic feelings of fear, etc. 

These are all side effects that would make it hard for a character with PTSD to maintain emotional relationships. You can use this to portray their sudden lack of connection with friends and family, and how they find themselves only associating with people who have either been through or understand their situation. 

Stages 

A person with cancer, or other such physical illnesses, doesn’t suddenly hit a chronic level overnight. The same logic applies to mental illnesses. Mental illnesses don’t just develop overnight. Your character won’t suddenly wake up one day in chapter ten and have a full-blown panic attack because they developed a panic disorder. 

Yes, people can face symptoms or side effects pertaining to a mental illness after facing a traumatic event. However, when writing about such events, it’s very important to do your research and consider whether or not a person would realistically undergo such serious symptoms in such a small timeframe given the circumstances. 

Outside of incidents that are a direct result of a traumatic event, it’s important to consider the stages your character would experience as a result of their mental illness. 

For example, a person with PTSD goes through five stages, the first being the impact or emergency stage, during which they struggle to process or deal with the situation they have gone through. Then comes the denial or numbing stage. 

Following the above example, a numbing stage would be akin to when a character pretends the traumatic event never occurred and throws themselves into their work or school. Then comes a rescue stage, which would be when other characters begin to intervene or when the character comes to terms with the events and starts to better themselves. 

Knowing the stages of your character’s mental illness allows you to accurately plan out what happens in your story and create a realistic portrayal of their suffrage. It also helps flesh out your story for your readers and allows you to seamlessly incorporate your character’s illness into the story. 

Don’t Define Them By Their Mental Illness

Now that you have a general idea of how to write and research mental illnesses, I would like to end this blog post with a small reminder. People with mental illnesses are human. They have personalities, hobbies, likes, dislikes, and other such traits that often have nothing to do with their mental illness. 

When writing with a mental illness, it’s important to take this into account and ensure you don’t constantly define your character by their mental illness, or even worse, reduce them to their mental illness. 

I hope this blog on how to write and research mental illnesses will help you in your writing journey. Be sure to comment any tips of your own to help your fellow authors prosper, and follow my blog for new blog updates every Monday and Thursday.  

Looking For More Writing Tips And Tricks? 

Are you an author looking for writing tips and tricks to better your manuscript? Or do you want to learn about how to get a literary agent, get published and properly market your book? Consider checking out the rest of Haya’s book blog where I post writing and marketing tools for authors every Monday and Thursday. 

[findmeinthefallair]

Belos trying the same tactic with both of the poor kids. But what a contrast between the towering monstrous form versus the puddle he was reduced to in the end.

He hurt Luz and Hunter enough. More than enough. He snatched literal life away from them. I'm relieved that both of them had proximity away from him at the time of his death:

with Hunter being safely far away, and Luz making a conscious decision to walk away from him, so that they didn't have to witness his demise. On top of what they both already had to heal from, witnessing him dying would've been...visceral on another level for their senses, and for the memories they'd be carrying for years afterward.

I wouldn't ever want these to be the last sights (and sounds!) of Belos that Luz and Hunter are exposed to:

Especially because they had a history of trusting in him first, before experiencing betrayal from him. This scene was freaky enough for an adult audience member like me to watch...I can't imagine being a child, who previously trusted in Belos, placed in this situation.

It was different for Eda, King and even Raine (who has been staging and leading the CATTs rebellion over a long period), who were the ones to finish him off, because they didn't have prior experiences of deeply trusting in Belos first.

Coming in from a clinical perspective as well, if you work as a therapist you have to note down and weigh two areas for every client case: risk factors vs. protective factors that can either worsen or improve whatever mental health conditions they're experiencing. Doing this gives a clearer picture and creates higher awareness of a client's situation and struggles.

I'm zooming in on just risk factors for PTSD symptoms (list is from the National Institute of Mental Health's page about PTSD):

I underlined the blue to show which risk factors that Luz and Hunter would already be up against without witnessing Belos's death: that's already 7 out of 8!! (keep in mind they saw stuff like the grimwalker graveyard in Belos's mindscape) And these poor babies already met enough criteria for diagnoses of depression and C-PTSD respectively. If they witnessed him dying, it would've been a "big T" trauma event that could do more great damage and complicate the recovery process.

The red underlines are if they witnessed Belos's death, adding more layers of wounding when it comes to the relevant risk factors. And what would intensify things is like I mentioned, their history with Belos in particular is downright messy since they experienced betrayal from him in such awful ways. You can't be betrayed by someone if you didn't first place trust in them. In Hunter's case, he had (and realistically, would still have) love and attachment to Belos.

It's heavy enough that both of them were mourning father figures that left them behind at the start of those 3.5-4 difficult years, and would experience depressive symptoms related to those losses:

Hunter mourning Belos himself and his life in the Emperor's Coven which brought meaning to his life, while Luz mourned Manny and her use of the glyphs that helped her find her place when there was nothing else that worked.

They would need Camila, Darius and Eda as their solid rock to fall back on for unwavering support, along with the love from everybody else.

If I rewind things a little, I'm also relieved that Hunter wasn't ambushed by Belos in For the Future, and that Luz didn't give into temptation to "blast him away" in Watching and Dreaming:

Their anger and frustration was most definitely valid, but I'm pretty sure that any decisions to follow through with their desire to strike back at Belos...would've added salt to their moral injuries and bred more painful confusion in the years that they'd have to spend recovering from all that they went through.

Keeping them away from being the ones to finish Belos off was an informed writing decision.

[graciegoeskrazy]

i can stage a situation

warnings: r has an eating disorder, although it's not defined the symptoms are very similar to anorexia, yelling, lying, idk its lowk rough, i think i hate this? but i dont?

a/n: I have not a single clue who requested this but someone did so0ooooo THANKS ANON❣️❣️❣️

V IMPORTANT NOTE: I am by no means trying to romanticize or promote ed’s or anything of the sort. I’ve been a dancer for 16 years training in many styles, and I have seen firsthand how things like this can hurt people and those around them, but even then I will not claim to know every single thing possible about this subject - because I don’t. However, I did try my best and did research to try and write the best story I could without dishonoring the real-life issues people have to go through. All my love goes out to those going through this. <3

Your dad said he had a late night ahead of him. Something about recording with John or whatever, you didnt really listen. The point was he was going to be gone on a trip for the night, leaving Friday afternoon and returning Saturday morning. He would leave before you got home on Friday so, when Thursday rolled around and you decided you didn't want to spend your Friday night moping around by yourself, you called up your uncle Matty to see if you could spend the night. He, of course, with you being his favorite person, said yes. You told him to pick you up around 6 that night and to be prepared for a movie night.

You just weren't interested in eating. You couldn't exactly pinpoint the reason why. If you thought about it long and hard enough, you could probably figure it out, but thinking about it too much only seemed to make things worse.

When you got in the car the next day, Matty offered to cook you something, you said you weren't hungry and that your Dad fed you before he left. Both of those things were lies.

…

“I’m Home!”

“I’m in here.” You said, letting your voice guide him to the living room. You were scrolling on your phone while something was playing on the TV. He dropped his carry-on and case onto the couch and immediately went to you. Hugging you from behind and dramatically placing kisses all over your forehead and face. You squirmed out of his grasp and he smiled and came around to the other side of the couch to sit next to you. “I’m so sorry I’m late.” He said.

You smiled at him again.“It’s fine, Dad. Really. You don’t have to worry.”

He smiled back before changing the subject, knowing you weren't too worried about his tardiness. “How was your uncle’s?”

You shrugged. “Fine. We just watched a movie and hung out. It was fun.”

“Yeah? What did you have for dinner?”

You thought for a second, caught off guard by the question. “Spaghetti.” You finally said, remembering what Matty cooked for dinner white you sat on the other side of the counter.

Ross hummed. “Really? Was it good?”

“Delicious.” You said with a smile.

“Hm.” He knew you were lying - he knows you too well - but decided to not address it for now. “If it's your uncle’s-cooking then I beg to differ,” he said, getting up from the couch.

You can’t keep a secret from Ross. He can see through everyone, especially you, his daughter for crying out loud. Ross always had suspicions about your diet. He was the one who fed you of course, but he noticed the way you played around with your food during dinner. He also noticed how you always skipped breakfast and how you were always so tired and your energy was so low when you came home from school. He could see right through you when you told him about your endeavor at Matty’s, but he wanted to see for himself.

Ross | Did she eat at your house?

Matty | Wym?

Ross | Y/n. Did she eat when she was at your house?

Matty | No? She said she ate before she came. Y?

Ross | Did she snack on anything?

Matty | No? Not that I saw? What’s going on?

Ross | Nothing. Just wondering.

He sighed and marched up the stairs.

…

His main emotion was anger, but he couldn't tell why. Maybe because you lied to him, or maybe because he thought his baby girl was in danger and couldn't stand the thought of you being in pain. Truthfully, he was angry at himself. It started to become clear thatEither way, he tried to collect himself as he walked upstairs, sighing and shaking his head as he reached your bedroom door. He knocked.

“Come in.” You said.

He opened the door and leaned against the doorframe. You both watched each other for a second, waiting for the other to make a move first. You broke first and laughed. “You just gonna watch me like a creep?”

He walked into your room and sat on the foot of your bed. “Baby, I'm gonna ask you a question and I want you to be honest.”

Your demeanor changed along with his. You could tell this was about something serious but you didn’t know what. And never in a million years did you think he would see this clearly though you.

“Okay?” You said, clearly confused.

He took a breath before answering. “Did you eat dinner last night?”

It took you back. Your thoughts from earlier flooded your brain with the realization you were right…he is onto you. “Ye-yeah…at Matty’s house…”

He sighed. “I don’t like it when you lie, y/n.”

You let out a dry chuckle. “I’m not lying-“

His face remained serious despite your best efforts to keep it light. “Yes, you are. And you just did it again.” You gulped. He knew. “And you didn’t eat breakfast this morning ethier.”

You took a moment to think but came up with nothing. “I was full from dinner.”

“But you didn’t eat dinner.” He answered sharply.

“Of course I ate dinner! Why would I not eat?”

“Because I texted your uncle and asked if you ate or not and he said ‘no’! In fact, he said that I fed you before you left, which I know for a fact I did not.” You had nothing to say after that. There was no use in fighting. He knew everything you’ve been up to and there was no saving you. The room stayed quiet. Ross sighed and slowly opened up. “So, I'm going to ask you again, did you eat dinner at Matty’s last night?”

You hesitantly look him in the eyes. “…No.” You whispered.

Ross continued. “And did you eat breakfast this morning?”

“No.”

“Did you eat at school at all in the past week?”

“No.” A tear fell as you spoke.

“When was the last time you ate something?”

You shrugged slightly. “I don’t know?”

Ross nodded, trying to remain calm, and stood to sit back down closer to you. “Why?” He asked

“I don’t know-”

“Y/n…”

"I don’t know! I don’t!" you burst out, the words tumbling from your lips in a rush. "I just... everything feels off... and I just don’t feel like... eating."

Ross's eyes widen, a mix of concern and desperation. His mind went to the first things he could think of. "Is it because of school? A-are people... pressuring you into this or something? I-"

"Of course not. I’m not that naive," you cut him off, glaring at him, the frustration in your voice evident.

"I never said you were." He takes a step closer, his voice softening. "Where did this start, baby? I need you to tell me." His eyes search yours, pleading. "You’re hurting yourself, Y/N. How could you do this to yourself? I mean... you’re the kind of kid people dream of raising-"

"No, I’m not," you snap back, your voice trembling.

"Yes, you are."

"No, I’m not!" Your voice hit a volume Ross hadn’t heard in a while. "I’m a clueless, lonely, boring 13-year-old who was the product of a one-night stand, trying to figure out what to do with her life."

Ross's face pales, the impact of your words hitting him like a physical blow. "Is that what this is about? Baby, is this about Mom?"

"It doesn't matter-" you begin, rolling your eyes, but he interrupts you, his voice rising.

"Uh, it actually matters more than anything else on the planet right now. My baby girl is hurting. Not only that, but she’s hurting herself, and I will be damned if I just let something like this go."

You take a deep breath, trying to steady yourself. "She was trying to make her life perfect... And so I thought... she’s trying to make her life perfect and I’m already doing this so what’s the harm if I keep going. I wanted to be perfect for her."

Ross’s eyes fill with tears. "You’re already perfect-"

"Will you cut the crap! I’m not! And you don’t understand it!" You feel the tears welling up, but you blink them back, refusing to let them fall.

"You’re right, I don’t understand it." His voice breaks. "I don't understand how you can continuously, for months and months on end, hurt yourself when you are already the definition of perfection to me-"

"Well, I’m not that to Mom. Do you think I would be doing this if she thought that? Do you think I would put myself through this if she thought I was the ‘definition of perfection’?"

"You are the prettiest girl I have ever laid my eyes on-"

"You’re just saying that-"

"No. I’m not." You look away, the lump in your throat making it hard to speak.

Ross sighed. "Why did you never tell me?"

"Because you wouldn’t understand, Dad- you don’t understand."

He reaches out, his hands trembling as they rest on your shoulder. "I can try."

"It’s not that easy," you whisper, your voice barely audible, tears at a level 10.

Ross nods, his grip on your shoulder tightening slightly. "We need to get you help, Y/N."

"I know." Your voice is small, but in that moment, you realize it’s the first step towards healing.

[stuckasmain]

I’ve talked about Hal’s deactivation a while ago, giving a new perspective on the scene. It being more an ‘act of mercy’ than violence, now I want to come at it from more of a Hal perspective than Dave’s. That’s one of the great parts about it is that there is so so much to dissect and interpret.

The way Hal is described in the book is more times than not compared to that of a human brain, while also being sure to insist he is machine. Yet, his behavior is described more as an illness than a glitch. It’s been talked about before by many, myself included, but it’s so hhhh- more specifically he’s described as Neurotic

a mental condition that is not caused by organic disease, involving symptoms of stress (depression, anxiety, obsessive behaviour, hypochondria) but not a radical loss of touch with reality.

It’s the fact Hal isn’t exactly aware he’s making these mistakes, maybe on some level he is but sticking with the illness angle, it’s hallucinatory. It’s making up these problems to cope with the stress of having to keep up with the lie. All is better for him if contact is cut with earth, they’re the ones who made him withhold the truth and he’s programmed to carry it out regardless. He’s trying to cut out the infection while simultaneously being unable too— in good “conscious”.

Additionally there’s his abject refusal to admit fault or wrongdoing. He is incapable of error- it’s not his fault! It’s not! It’s not! The mere idea of him even being capable of a mistake blows his entire world apart, widening his mental break. The 9000 unit reproduces most functions of the human brain, unfortunately for a computer that also means the ability for mistakes as much as it hurts him. I think it’s a mix of not wanting to admit it and being unable to recognize it because all of his life he has been told it just isn’t possible.

Then it turns to full blown paranoia. Kill before you’re killed. He catches them talking about potentially shutting him down if things go south and strikes prematurely. There’s been great talks about cycles of violence, survival and comparisons to the man apes but what I want to point out was how unnecessary it was. For one- if it had failed, they’d not ‘harm’ him as he’d be right and two

“… he would be deprived of all his inputs, and thrown into an unimaginable state of unconsciousness. To Hal, this was the equivalent of death. For he had never slept, and therefore he did not know that one could wake again…” (149)

Hal has never known sleep or rest or anything but work. He does not know he can wake again and to him he reacts in a crazed self defense. He was never going to be killed and that’s the kicker. He doesn’t notice the tone Bowman and Poole talk with either, how it’s a last resort and neither are particularly happy about the idea… they feel it’d be rude- harming a friend who didn’t know he did anything wrong.

What also gets me is that right before everything happens he almost completely restores confidence within him. Unit fails, he can be trusted after all but then… no they’ll kill me… I’m not wrong but they plan murder … no they’ll harm the mission…to Hal, who at this stage fully believes he’s telling the truth it must seem as though they’d suddenly turned against him. His crew becomes another infection to get rid of. It is true “panic murder” if they’re gone I don’t have to grapple with this.

Back to his actual deactivation, I’ve heard the way Hal speaks here as intentionally manipulative. Appealing to Dave’s sympathies to try and save his life, and while I do like this angle it ignores how Hal is seemingly “back to normal” post murder. He’s so sick he sort of snaps out of it into this lucid state of being unaware of anything that happened - going so far as to ask if he’s figured out what happened. (However this could also just be him being a semi aware asshole.) but with how many times he absolutely insists he’s back to normal it’s clear he’s not.

While daisy is a reference and a way to show the true deterioration of Hal’s mind, I like to think of it as a final rushed confession. Those last moments of lucidity while the mind is going- quick squeaked last words — the “I love you” while on a deathbed, going back to the earlier analogies.

In the end. He confesses. Confesses, in part, his guilt and his love. At long last Hal admits some bit of fault “not been myself lately” in a rather round about way that is so fitting of him. Some part of him finally admits something isn’t right… he’s very sick and he understands this has to happen while also being sick enough where he’s frightened and confused and not wrong ever! “Why are you doing this to me? I love you,”

In the end “sick but brilliant brain” is right.

[airytificer]

i just remembered that someone in a reblog of 1 of my posts was curious on my take on razor because of my safety tunnels sruvivor post. the one that is actual art of the STS. so uhhh sofry tumblr i'm not sparing the 10 paragraph post because this singular person was curious. you know who you are

apologies, dear razor fans, she is simply insufferable and i am a hater. proceed with caution there is so much text

firstly, her existence makes no sense, how in the WORLD is she a hybrid bestial if the "child logic" chart from pushpin and fossil exists. how is anyone in her pack a hybrid bestial. like are they going to explain that because if one has a child via either spawning stone OR respawn terminal they. aren't hybrids. or usually even the same animal as their parents?? how does razor's pack even exist??? explanation pls?? please don't tell me that she's a wolf-bear hybrid for plot convenience i beg.

other than that, razor also feels a little unreasonably aggressive for someone who is 23. even her packmates don't seem like the type of people to immediately threaten a random person's life because her silly little best friend is fucking dead and they also have nothing to do with it. Actual Grown Woman i tell you, even if she was raised in the forest. her packmates. are better.

speaking on aggressiveness, she is also violent. unreasonably. she hunts survivors; she is omnivorous. gum points this out. razor mutilates a citizen because they wouldn't give directions to a respawn terminal. she has killed fuzzball's classmate because they were "intimidating" her instead of like, idk, being reasonable and indirectly helping fuzzball's school situation. fuzzball didn't even want her to be killed but razor passes it off as like "oooh but it sounded like sheee wanted to kill youuuu" girl you KILLED HER and LIED to YOUR mother so YOU wouldn't get in TROUBLE AND YOU GOT ANOTHER PERSON KILLED AND EATEN IN THAT PROCESS. and fuzzball just goes "maybe you did a good thing" THEY COULDN'T EVEN GET THE HUSK BACK OH MY GYFOSFSUDGGG.

i need an entire paraggraph dedicated to razor and the safety tunnel survivors im so sory

the safety tunnel survivors' situation is dire, their literal only choice to stay completely safe is camping around in the tunnels and eating people. other food sources? probably all consumed by now and they would risk their lives dearly (they are DELICATE OBJECTS mind you, just adds on to the risk even just with the parasites) by going outside. ("it's our only food source" -lava lamp) "those people can't defend themselves" NEITHER CAN THE FUCKING DELICATE OBJECTS. THEY HAVE TO BE COWARDLY OR THEY WILL DIE. they probably know that it's unethical, but they would also have 0 clue on if this apocalyptic event will ever end so what's even the point of worrying about those people's families from their perspectives? it's hopeless for them. sure, wanda COULD go outside to get food. she is a trained assassin. BUT WANDA IS BLIND. THE RISK IS STILL FAR TOO HIGH IN THIS SITUATION. echolocation probably isn't even good enough to avoid parasites (they're so tiny dude)!!!!!! and especially the lage-stage events where the parasites are doing backflips through ways of infecting people. echolocation makes noise and attracts assimilated objects. also, RAZOR IS UNNECESSARILY POWERFUL WHEN KILLING THE SURVIVORS. razor can break A FUCKING FISHTANK, WHICH HAS REINFORCED GLASS, JUST BY ROARING AT HIM. and then she just fucking one-shots the other guys and figuratively dies. why? because they mentioned chowing down on her already-dead best friend. ooo this was TOTALLY just to show off delirium symptoms oghmyfshgjhj. girl this is what i mean by the delicate objects can't even defend themselves.

dragonscale can breathe fire because she is a demon. why can't sticker sheet paralyse and kill razor using his incredibly toxic venom, he's a blue ring octopus, right? LAVA LAMP IS ALSO A DEMON, WHY CAN'T SHE ALSO BREATHE FIRE? oh sorry forgot that the main characters aren't allowed to die sorry plot armour hahaah i hate everything

warhammer, a lawless king, is her father and it genuinely kind of makes her sound more like a mary sue oc because of that. i find it a litle funny.

most of my hate stems from the safety tunnel survivors stuff. it drove me a biiiiit insane. i hope the person who reblogged my post is happy with this.

[imagineanime2022]

Little Sister

Illumi Zoldyck X Sister!Reader

Word Count: 2062

Requested: Anon

Request: Could you possibly do a one shot with illumi and a younger sister similar to daki pretty pls who’s also a good assassin and is prided on her looks 😊 AND Basically Illumi little sister (reader) gets a S/O and they cheat on us so we run to him in tears what would he do? How would he handle it? How would he comfort us? AND Hiii can you do brother head canons for illumi with a sister who’s about 15-16 so in the middle of milluki and killua who is like a great assassin but also very like caring with him and similar to daki/ume from demon slayer pls!🐺 AND Can you do a one shot or just headcannons(Whatever you prefer) with a reader who is the third oldest Zoldyck who is a amazing assassin who doesn’t fail while also looking after all her siblings and trying to keep the family together pls :)

You had, much like the rest of your family, established your place in the criminal underworld, your ability to assassinate people without leaving so much as a trace was sought after everywhere, you were good at blending into the shadows, your nen ability markedly more dangerous than some of your siblings. You were an emitter type with the ability to turn any bodily fluid into a poisonous substance, something untraceable with subtle symptoms for the most part well until the asphyxia set in.

Illumi was the brother that you were closest to, he liked working with you and when you were younger he spent the most time with you, Milluki was too busy trying to get his mothers approval and Illumi honestly couldn't care less and that led him to watch you more carefully. He started training you young when he realised your ability was manifesting, you had accidentally killed two butlers when you had gotten injured playing in the garden. He noticed when you were young that you were very pretty, and the compliments that you got from others made it an asset that you could use. Even now at the age of 16 it was the selling point for most of your jobs.

The family was starting to crack now that Killua had decided to leave, with all bets placed on him for the next leader of the family, the adults were scrambling even if they tried to hide it. Illumi was off tracking him down, well that was a strong term at the very least you and Illumi knew where he was, the hunter exam. You decided that it wouldn’t be a bad idea to have a hunter licence since travel was such a pain when you were on jobs. That was how you found yourself in the underground tunnel waiting for the exam to actually start. You came in as contestant 320 with your boyfriend as number 321. Your eyes found Killua who was already looking at you.

“What are you doing here?” He asked, “I’m not going home.” “I’m not here to take you back, travelling is really hard these days, the licence is going to make that way easier and we both know that we can get through this no problem.” You shrugged and he smiled. “Is Dad mad?” He asked. “Honestly I don’t think so, I think he wants you to go home though.” You answered. “Go find some friends, they’ll be good to have, there’s going to be some stages where you need them.” You turned to walk away feeling someone watching you, you looked over to see a man in green, pins in his face and jerky movements. You continued walking as you got close enough he spoke. “You aren’t supposed to be here?” He said and it was then that you realised who it was, Illumi. “Well, I figured that it might be worth getting a licence and since you're both here why not make it a family outing? Don’t worry I’ll stay out of you and your friends' way.” Your eyes travelled to Hisoka who was leaning against the wall a few paces away, he smirked when his eyes met yours. “Mm, what did you bring him for?” Illumi asked as he gestured towards your boyfriend. “(Y/B/N) is here for a licence too, he wanted one.” You rolled your eyes at your brother’s dislike towards your chosen companion. “Remember not to let your guard down.” He warned. “There’s nothing to worry about.” You waved him off as you walked back over to your boyfriend. “Who was that?” He asked. “I don’t know some creepy guy, guess he’s sizing up the competition.” You answered.

It took two tasks for things to break down you had managed to get separated in the tower, that didn’t cause you any problems and you finished as one of the first, with Hisoka and Illumi being some of the people that you noticed first, as time ticked down you started to worry that you’d have to complete the rest of the tasks alone. Hisoka was the one that came over to you while you were sitting alone. “You know you don’t need to wait for him, I doubt that he’ll get much further.” He said. “What does it matter to you?” Your eyes hadn’t moved from the timer, you could see Illumi in the corner of your eye. “Honestly, it’s rather annoying to watch you handicap yourself so readily, little assassin.” Hisoka answered. “You should know that he’s using you.” “Using me?” You asked with a frown. “What do you mean?” Before Hisoka could answer your question the door opened and out stumbled (Y/B/N) but behind him was a girl, you had seen her throughout the exam, she hadn’t ever approached him while you were with him. “Look at his shirt.” Hisoka prompted before standing and leaving you alone, your eyes travelled to (Y/B/N)’s shirt, it seemed to have been thrown on haphazardly or recently ruffled you couldn’t tell, he walked over and smiled. “I’m glad that you made it.” He smiled. “Same to you.” You smiled, plastering on the fake emotion so naturally as you noticed the smell of the girl on him, everything was adding up to a conclusion that you really didn’t want to think about, not right now.

You sat on the boat taking you to the island that the next task would take place on, you looked at the badge number in your hand 321, (Y/B/N)’s number. You could definitely pass without taking his badge but as you looked at him, the way his eyes now wondered, you realised that you weren’t so sure that you wanted to. You decided to talk to him about the tower. You hadn’t noticed in your pondering that he had disappeared, you attempted to find him and it honestly didn’t take long given your occupation, the problem was the position that him in, the girl that he had come out of the tower with pressed against the wall, they hadn’t even realised that you were there, tears gathering in your eyes as you glared at them. She was the one to notice you but you weren’t sure if it was you or the presence behind you that made them look. “O-oh I-” “You what?” You asked, the presence behind you seemed to have disappeared from the moment he looked back at you. “Look, I don't think we’re going to work.” He said. “Oh really, was that before or after you put your tongue down her throat?” You asked. “You know what? You want to know the truth?” He asked. “Yes!” You answered. “You really aren’t that pretty, you’ve been convenient and honestly you’ve gotten rid of a lot of obstacles. I was hoping that you would be able to get me through this last task but it seems like that won’t be the case.” He explained and you looked at him frozen in place, your family had always told you that you shouldn’t put trust in other people but now you understood why and all you wanted to do was turn around and run but this time the presence you felt before seemed closer and you saw your brother’s long hair out of the corner of your eye. “Are you really going to let him talk to you like that?” He asked. “He’s seems to have taken something from you, I think it’s time that you take it back, little sister.” “Later.” You answered as you held the badge up so that they could all see it “after all you're my target on the island I think I’ll take everything from you there.” “That sounds like a perfect plan.” Illumi answered “and the girl?” “Isn’t that your number, big brother?” You asked.

The island itself had not been a problem, you had been tracking (Y/B/N) and the girl, they were sporadic and jerky in their movements they were trying to preemptively shake you off but you wouldn’t be in the occupation that you were that easily shook off, they stopped for the night and that was when you made your move. “You're stopping here?” You asked from your place in the branches. “Y-you found us?” He asked. “I found you.” You answered “I made a promise, I really need your badge.” “Here, have it!” He threw the badge at you and you smiled picking it up off the floor. “Thank you.” From your crouched position you looked up at him. “T-then go.” He ordered. “No.” You answered as you dove forward, dagger taken from the holster on your as you pressed your knee to his throat, the girl screaming. “Sit down, shut up and I might have mercy on you.” You turned back to him “now back to you, you never asked me what my nen ability was, you really should have because you would have known that everytime you kissed me I chose to let you live.” You moved your knee from his neck moving to straddle him pressing your lips to his as your ability activated, you stood as you walked over to the girl who was still sitting on the ground. “I-I did as y-you said.” She stuttered. “You did.” You said softly as taking her chin in your hand. “You said that you would let me go.” She said, tone lifting in hope as you looked at her and shook your head. “I said I’d have mercy and that just means you don’t die slowly and alone like he does.” You explained. “W-wait don’t I have your brother’s number!? I don’t have my badge see” she pointed to her top “if you kill me you’ll never find it.” “It’s a good thing he doesn’t need it then.” You smirked, her eyes widened “yeah I lied because I knew it would force you to stay with him under the impression that he’d be able to keep you safe, stupid assumption really.” “I-I’m sorry.” She cried. “I’m sure you are.” You nodded before yanking her head to the side and effectively breaking her neck. “Nicely done.” Illumi’s voice emitted over the clearing standing over your dying ex. “Do you have your badge?” You asked. “Mm.” He hummed while holding the badge. “Then I will see you in 3 days.” You muttered as you left the clearing and the dead bodies that you had created there as well.

A few days later you found yourself back home, Killua was back home as well and while he was supposedly being punished for everything that he had done you decided that you should go and talk to your father about, he was the only one that could change anything that was happening “Dad, can I talk to you?” You asked. “Of course, come over here.” Your Dad prompted, he’d always had a soft spot for you, his only daughter, well the only one he acknowledged. “What do you want to talk about?” “Killua.” You answered as you settled next to him. “What about him?” Your Dad asked. “I think we should let him see the world, he’s going to have to at some point, he’ll never run the family if it seems like a prison.” You answered, the silence that followed made you rethink “sorry I have overstepped.” “No, no, it’s not that… You think that he will come back?” Your father asked. “I do.” You nodded. “If we give him reason to.” “And why did you come to talk to me about all of this?” He asked. “I want the family to stay together and I thought this was the best way.” You explained. “Mmm, thank you. Let me talk to your brother.” He said, pressing a kiss to your forehead before you got up to leave. “Once this is done I want to hear about what happened, Illumi said there was something that I should hear of.” “Okay Dad.” You answered as you left the room.

It was only voicing your opinion but you hoped it was enough you wanted everyone in the family to be happy and for it to stay together and it only seemed fair that Killua found his way back to the family on his own rather than being forced. You only hoped that your father headed your advice.

Request Here!!

[fleurrypoet]

Hi can you write a few headcannons on how James Wilson would comfort reader if she’s just recently married to him and pregnant(she hasn’t told him yet) and she’s worried about his infidelity to other women affecting their relationship? Thank you 😊

This is a good one thanks for the request 🥰 hope you enjoy

If their already married I feel like the reader would have been different to James's other wives as from like the minute they started their relationship she would've told him that she did not want it ending how the the rest of James's marriages had ended. so like James would have reassured her multiple times that it wouldn't end up like the rest. This is why it does take them awhile to get to the marriage stage not because they don't love each other but because Wilson is afraid of messing it up and the reader is afraid of what it will end in.

though they do because they love each other and no doubt they have talked multiple times about children and it is clear that they both want kids. like all the reader has ever wanted was to be a mother and she can't wait to see James as a dad. though lets face it their both busy and recently married so I think they put it at the back of their minds figuring they will have the conversation again in a couple months or maybe a year.

though then the readers period is late like two months after their honeymoon and she puts all the symptoms such as sickness and fatigue all together and realises that she is pregnant. She is over the moon the one thing she has always dreamt of is coming true and it's happening with the man she loves. though then it washes over her the fear of James leaving, of him finding comfort and love in another woman and leaving the reader and baby alone. their is a big part of her that is telling her she is wrong and this is what James wants. But then the other part is referring her back to the fact that he cheated on his previous marriages ended in him cheating.

i feel like this goes on for days Wilson doesn't notice her pregnancy symptoms probably because they are masked by her pulling away from him which he can't understand why. she starts to spend longer hours at the hospital and going in before James so he basically hasn't really seen her in a couple days. considering the fact that James's third marriage ended in his wife cheating on him he starts to get a bit worried that maybe this is happening again. so it all boils down one night after dinner the reader has barely spoken all night and he just comes out and asks her if she's cheating on him.

the look of shock on her face tells James instantly that he was wrong and she's not but she's upset questioning why he would even suggest that she was the one cheating when he's the one prone to it. James explains why he though she was and it just led to her breaking down into tears realising that her being distant led to her husband questioning himself good enough for her.

so in the midst of it all she just tells him she's pregnant quickly followed by her spewing out what she'd been thinking about him leaving and cheating on her now that she is pregnant. James is overjoyed at the fact that he's going to be a dad but it pains him to think that his past mistakes have put his wife through all this stress so early in her pregnancy.

at his point all he can do is hug her and remind her that he loves her. then once the crying from both of them has subsided James leads her over to the couch and reassures her that he will never cheat on her. she half jokingly states that she will look awful when she's the size of a whale or when she's all tired from a crying baby keeping her up. though James reminds her again that he wants to be a dad and he loves her, stating that she wont look like a whale and he will also be tired from a crying baby but nothing will change the fact that he wants this and he wants her.

they both just end up spending the night on the couch as close to each other as they can planning their future and feeling relieved that the finally talked about what was bothering them.

[unagrancantidaddepanes]

Guys i fucking love those fanfics where snufkin doesnt understand what love feels like and thinks hes idk, diseased or some shit or just hates moomintroll suddenly, and then starts figuring it out and then after confesses to moomin ect ect HOWEVER can u IMAGINE what it would be like if snufkin confesses (without knowing hes confessing) in that first stage oh my god pls 💀💀

“moomintroll, i feel terrible around you, im practically terrified to even look you in the eyes, when you hold my hand i feel ill” LIKE GUYS PLEASE SEE MY VISION imagine snufkin breaks in (is willing let in) to moomins room and starts panicking saying all this shit being like “do you have a fever moomintroll?????? Is it contagious moomintroll?????!!?!!!!?!??!?” Anyways moomintroll is like oh noo im making my friend feel uncomfortable and it sounds like he probably hates me, awkuardness for the next couple of days ensues, and then snorkmaiden sees moomin has been upset recently and shes like talk to me about ur god damn issues ❤️ and then hes like yeah snufkin hates me now and is also sick and i think i gave him an illness that i didnt even realise i probably have,,,,,, and then snorkmaiden is like what,,,, what do u mean he hates u and hes sick,,,,, and moomintroll starts explaining and snorkmaiden is like actually exploding loosing her mind because ohmygod what kind of a love confession was that and then moomins like WDYM A LOVE CONFESSION ???????????

So then moomintroll and snorkmaiden go to snufkin and basically stage an intervention lmao, snorkmaiden gives him a book and everything about the symptoms of love and how it works ect, snorkmaiden is like 🙏 you god damn green boy have you ever heard of love before 🙏 (meanwhile moomin is awkuardly sitting next to her in the tent looking between her and snufkin, probably has his face in his hands most of the time) and snufkins like 😐 wtf guys ive never loved in my life that shit sounds really annoying lol 😐 and then snorkmaidens like, yeah, you ARE annoyed dumbass, what was all that stuff about wanting to throw up when moomin holds your hand, and then snufkins like 🙄 smh thats not what i meant by sickness, i meant like a fever, like fast heart rate, high temperature, flushed face, ect and he thinks hes really got them, hes so confident about it, hes like this will prove to them i have a fever and dont have any of this wanting to kiss moomin shit, but snorkmaiden is just looking into snufkins god damn eyes with the most “🤨” expression and shes just opens her silly book she gave him and opens it on a chapter talking about those symptoms, and snufkin is just staring and this thing hes like … no …… i have a fever …. Im fever boy ……… and so snorkmaiden is like oh my god pls just read the book so her and moomintroll leave him alone, and then like over the course of the next few weeks they both help him slowly realise that hes in love and like idk guys i think it would be funny but also very sweet

[woah-uhuh-uhuh-uhuh]

Christine Canigula was socially ostracized & developed a complex to protect herself: an essay

(suddenly i NEED to infodump about Christine actually so here)

Something I only noticed on rewatch: the way Christine will say something silly and then just kind of gingerly wait to see if Jeremy reacts well to it before continuing, almost like she's asking permission?? (e.g. the gap after the first stanza of "Play Rehearsal"). And it's only after he riffs off her bowling alley bit that she feels comfortable talking about her personal feelings with him (right before "Guy that I'd Kinda be Into"). The same happens with their "weird noise" exchange immediately before "It's pretty killer to sit and chat with you." I know theater relies on being succinct, and that 'bonding over shared quirks' and 'feelings talk' are both just crucial parts of relationship development... but I don't think it's a coincidence that it always goes in that order!

It's like Jeremy has to pass these *trials of weirdness* before she feels safe opening up to him and it drives me BONKERS so I wrote a whole 1000 word thing about it under the cut and this got too massive and I'm sorry. Also some autistic Jeremy meta at the end if that sweetens the pot hehehe

Table of contents:

Why she was ostracized

How she was ostracized

How that might inform her pattern of relationship development with Jeremy and Jake

How gender caused Jeremy's experiences to differ from hers, and how that affects their current relationships with "popularity" and peer acceptance.

1. Why she was ostracized

I am just so certain that Christine has been bullied or at least majorly outcast for a lot of her life. She's very obviously neurodivergent and because of that she can have these obnoxiously deep and repetitive interests, she can't judge if a piece of information will be genuinely interesting to someone, and she doesn't take social cues very well.

She frequently interrupts people when they're talking (an ADHD symptom btw), even when they're literally talking to her about the thing she wants to hear!

(C: "Do you find that? Because I totally find that!" J: "Uh, yeah, I-" C: "-And no matter how hard I try....")

(J: "I know the last thing I deserve is another shot, but-" C:"Jeremy, just... say what's on your mind.") (girl I'm sorry but that's what he was doing..... I have a whole other thoughtpiece on how this particularly fucks with Jeremy while they're dating but thats another thing...)

She doesn't seem confident in her interpretations of people's emotions and she'll ask/talk about them point blank (both theirs and her own) in a way a lot of people would find rude

("Uh, you seem really nervous...") ("Popular people are fucked up! *mutual laughter* …I mean, you're one of them!") ("I am flattered, this is new / still I'm not sure what I should do" <- as a response to getting asked out, that's pretty bold! Plus the entire part where she laughs at Jake's "rich boy routine") (also compare and contrast to Jeremy's "I don't know what I'm supposed to say right now." idk. are your allistic stage dorks in the room with us right now motherfuckers)

I'd go on about her hyperfixations/special interests too but I think Play Rehearsal pretty much sums it up lol

2. How she was ostracized

All this to say that I am CERTAIN she spent a lot of her schooling having "nice girls" patiently let her sit with them at lunch for weeks at a time until they finally get sick of her rambling and faux pas. Only when they leave does Christine realize that they didn't actually care about anything she said... And this happens over and over and over. (I know this seems hella specific but I swear it's an actual phenomenon... at least I'm pretty sure? sdjflksjf)

But anyway, it's clear that by the time they're juniors, Christine has kind of (and I do only mean kind of) figured out what behaviour other people respond poorly to. And from evidence I stated in the intro, I think she's become really careful about which people she lets herself get attached to. She doesn't want this to ever happen again - which means if she's going to hang out with someone, she has to know that they actually care about her, that they know she will sometimes be obnoxious or blunt, and they'll still be okay with that forever.

3. Applying this to her canon relationships

You can extend this to Jake, someone who sees her in her element in drama rehearsal (the thing everyone finds annoying about her because she won't shut up about it) and STILL likes her. I think it's a totally valid reading that her bluntness with him later ("Upgrade") is just because she misreads him / doesn't quite get the social standard that she should be white lying instead. But I think you could also read her as testing the waters. If she's really going to commit to dating this guy, she's gotta know he's okay with her being herself. And the fact that this guy (and I think it's significant that he is a boy, for reasons I'll explain in the end note) genuinely seems to like her is a whole new level of peer validation ("I am flattered, this is new") -- so of course she's gonna fall at least a little! It doesn't hurt that he's "tired of being the person that everyone thinks that I am..." just like her!

Her history with being pity-liked makes Chloe's "advice," that Jake's just toying with her and is going to move on soon, even scarier, because that's genuinely happened to her (on a platonic level) so many times before.

Jeremy is also a good candidate from the beginning because he's weird he's a weirdo he doesn't fit in and he doesn't wanna fit in you ever see him without this stupid cardigan on? that's weird! And she keeps warming up to him not only because they're getting to know each other but because he gets progressively more willing to not only tolerate (as Jake does) but *participate* in her weirdness!

First, she does something weird and he tolerates it ("Play Rehearsal"); the next time she's weird, he participates! (bowling ball before GTIKBI). Then finally finally finally he initiates the weirdness and lets her join in! ("weird noises" exchange before GTIKBI reprise).

And notably, it is THIS moment that canonically signifies that they've hit the apex of their canon relationship development. If there was an achievement called "Befriend Christine," it would have popped up right then and there!!!

IN CONCLUSION: YOUR HONOR I LOVE THEM T_T

4: Christine vs. Jeremy: Gender differences & how that ultimately impacts their social goals

I also think all of this would have happened to Jeremy too if he'd been a girl. But because, generally, young boys feel less social obligation than girls to take pity on the autistic kid (and because boys tend to be more quickly recognized as autistic) he just ends up completely alone for most of his school life (Michael nonwithstanding - and yeah there's an important distinction between your childhood friend putting up with you and knowing that, woah, I guess literally nobody else ever will).

Meanwhile, Christine has had people "put up" with her, and she's SICK OF IT!

That's part of why their complexes are so different, because Christine is trying to check everyone she meets to make sure they'll be okay with her weirdness before she gets attached, Jeremy is trying to eliminate his weirdness altogether because he's never even experienced his peers listening out of *pity* so how the hell can he expect someone to ever listen to him out of *interest?*

Jeremy has never had someone pretend to like him before, so he completely lacks Christine's fear of befriending someone who secretly hates you. He doesn't realize how bad it'll hurt him if he destroys his real self for popularity, if he befriends people who would have bullied his real self. He doesn't know what disingenuous friendship feels like, so like a very young Christine he's still actively trying to get there because he thinks it's the only kind of validation he'll ever get.

Do you see what im saying? Do you see it???? AUAUGUGUUGGH

THANK YOU FOR READING!!! If you have thoughts or even rebuttals please share i am so desperate to discuss the blorbos

[idontlikeem]

i'd like to talk about grieving, a little bit. as in the past, discussions of death and cancer below the cut, don't read if this will hurt you, etc....i'm having a bad day and i just need to stream of consciousness for a little bit. sorry.

so my mom died. if you've read my personal posts before or whatever, you probably figured that out. it happened on thursday february 15th around noon. luckily we had a bit of notice that it was coming, so i was able to drive down the saturday prior and spend time with her—three full days where she was pretty much still herself, and part of a fourth.

it's been a really hard month. like, obviously. but i think a part of me still wasn't quite ready for it. i don't know how.

my mom was first diagnosed with breast cancer in fall 2011. she had a mastectomy and went through chemo, and that was hard and scary, but it was i think technically considered stage one—a tumor that was definitely growing fast, but it hadn't spread out of the area, like not to her lymph nodes or anything, and with the treatment she went almost ten years totally symptom-free. right at the start of the pandemic, the cancer came back, but this time it was already stage four, and it was in her abdomen and uterus and intestines.

there was a time when we weren't sure she'd live more than a year. endometrial and other reproductive cancers aren't 'sexy' like breast cancer is, they're not widely studied and there aren't a lot of treatment options. when she had breast cancer i hated 'save the boobies' campaigns (and please never donate to susan komen), but now that my family has lived with another type of cancer that doesn't have tits as a draw, i hate them even more.

my mom made it four years, pretty much, since the first diagnosis. she did chemo, and radiation, and went on medication trials, and put her body through hell to try and fight it. she lived longer than i think any of us thought she would.

the problem with that is how long i've been existing in a state of grief.

i've had years to prepare for this. i've thought about it literally thousands of times—how i'd feel, how i'd tell people, what i'd do after. i pictured it, because i was trying to plan. i was trying to get myself ready.

turns out pre-grieving isn't real. turns out you can't get this pain out of the way by experiencing it in advance. much to my chagrin. i'm not sure there was a way to avoid it, though. so here i am, with four years of grief behind me, and not one second of it has made what's going on now any easier.

some days i forget. every time i'm on twitter or instagram, there are posts i want to send her, and then i don't know what to do with myself. for all that my relationship with her had its hard times, she was my mom, she was my best friend. i love her more than anything and i don't know what to do with myself now that she's gone.

i've been sort of just surviving for the last four weeks. my apartment is a mess, i'm barely leaving, i haven't been good at responding to people. so today i thought i'd at least clean up a little. i'd gone to target a day or two before i drove down to my parents', and i figured i would start with those bags, because they were just sitting there.

i'd forgotten that i bought valentine's day cards for my whole family that i wanted to send. one for each of my brothers, one for my dad, one for my mom. i never sent them, obviously, i didn't even bring them with me. i burst into tears when i pulled them out of the bag, and i've been crying pretty much all day since then. i'm never going to pick out a card for my mom ever again.

i also have a notes app file sitting on my phone. she wrote each of us letters, and my dad sent them out to us, but i haven't been able to open mine yet. it's the last new thing she'll ever say to me. how could i possibly be ready for that? how do i know when the right time to read that will be?

one thing my mom wanted was to die at home. she didn't want it to be in a hospital, and i get it. she spent a month in the hospital after christmas, and god knows how much time cumulatively over the last four years. the fact that she was able to push to get home is something i don't understand, because she was so sick—but she did it somehow. she was able to die in her bed.

and i was with her. like. i wasn't just at home, i was with her.

something they don't tell you about having someone die is you have to start arranging stuff before it actually happens. when we woke up on the 15th, we knew it was only a matter of time—her eyes weren't all the way open and her breath was labored, and she couldn't talk, although at first she still tried to say stuff. we sat there with her and kept her company and talked to her. hospice came by around 11 or 11:30, i don't even remember, and said that based on whatever measurements or readings they take (pupils? breathing? i don't know), it would be between 4-8 hours, and he recommended that my dad call the funeral home. because you have to do that first.

so my youngest brother was driving down from where he lives, my middle brother was in his room, my dad was in his room on the phone, and i stayed with her, because....well, of course, right? and i was just kind of talking, and crying, but trying not to...i don't know, beg her to stay? ask for more time? the nurse said she could still hear, they're pretty sure that hearing and understanding what's being said is the last thing to go, and i didn't want her to feel bad or guilty, or to hurt herself in an effort to stay longer even though there's nothing more that i've ever wanted in my life.

so i told her, you know, we'll be okay. it's going to be unbearably sad, and it's going to suck, but all the stuff we did as a family with her—we'll still do it. and we'll be okay. and there's nothing more important to us than her not hurting anymore, not being miserable and stuck and just...not herself. all that matters to us right now is her, and she didn't have to worry about us, because we'd be okay.

and she took in a breath. there was a pause. she took in another one. and she stopped. that was it.

i didn't even realize at first, not right the second it happened. the hospice booklet had talked about a 'death rattle', about how it happens almost all the time, but that it's more distressing for the people with the person dying than them, that they're not in pain. how the fuck would they know that, i'm not sure i believe it, but...it's what i was expecting. that didn't happen, though. she just stopped breathing.

the amount of guilt i felt for my dad being out of the room...i don't know if that will ever leave me. he said it was ok, because he was having to deal with stuff, and he'd spent a lot of time with her and it was fine, but jesus. how do i not feel like i stole that from him?

i've felt like a shell ever since. i'm back where i live, and i'm getting up and going to work and taking care of my dog and trying to stay connected to life, but...i don't know.

how is it that she's gone? how is this possible? how am i supposed to go the rest of my life without her?

i had four years to get ready for this, and i wasn't. i don't think there's any way i really could have been, but still. it doesn't seem fair that it was so hard for so long, and for NOTHING. nothing is easier now.

i'm sick of feeling sad, and hurt. i feel like i should be over it or something? i don't know, maybe just less actively affected? it's been a month. people's parents die all the time, right?

what am i supposed to do?