#hurting myself at 5 am

[alexiethymia]

Hazbin Hotel Ep 5

Ok wow Ep 5 (and 6) was such a ride.

It's so fun to dissect Alastor since he's pretty much the only one who's character is hard to pin right now.

I can easily believe that Lilith is the one he has a contract with (hence the on a leash comment). I can believe that he might or might not be there because of Lilith (either he's obeying Lilith or he's getting close to Charlie because that in some way will help him get rid of his leash). I can also believe that he is intentionally pissing Lucifer off.

BUT

The thing is, even with all of this, I really thought that the Alastor we would see was the same Alastor we saw who handled Vox with so much class. Someone did a mini analysis about their face off. Alastor was completely unbothered and in control of the whole situation. He didn't bother interrupting Vox and the whole encounter with Vox losing his top and Alastor keeping his cool definitely showed that Alastor won that round.

But with Lucifer, it's different. Lucifer is pathetic and desperate. It would be so easy for Alastor to rile him up while still being calm, but there's none of that here. Where's the manipulative persona? Rather, it even seems like Lucifer brought Alastor down to his level of pettiness.

There's visceral rage right from the beginning when he sees the welcome banner, and the uncontrollable twitching of the eye when he sees Lucifer hug Charlie. The funny thing is Alastor is the first one to react to Lucifer while Lucifer is completely focused on his daughter. Twice we saw this petty eye twitching - when he was annoyed with the Egg Bois and when Carmilla could care less about where he disappeared to. So we know Alastor is capable of it. He's not as high and above everyone as he thinks he is.

Lucifer's lame comeback was enough to get him to swear?? It was such a whiplash from what was established about Alastor so far. But for him to show his annoyance at Lucifer in such an obvious way, shows that there's something about Lucifer that just pisses him off, enough to slip his usual control.

Same with his final encounter with Mimzy. They're established as good friends, but the hotel is a red line. He's not all lofty like in the past episodes when Mimzy confronts him about whether or not he actually cares about the hotel. We as the audience are supposed to be sure that he doesn't, but I was expecting at least a smirk or his usual pleasantness and I-know-something-you-don't attitude. But he was as serious as he ever has been when he gives Mimzy an ultimatum. And the thing is, it's not a show he puts on to get on Charlie's good side or to piss Lucifer off since neither of them see it.

Again, I could easily interpret the entire sequence between Lucifer and Alastor as Alastor still being on top, and willfully manipulating and using Charlie just so he can have one over Lucifer if not for those two things. His uncontrolled reactions - swearing at Lucifer and the uncontrollable eye twitching when Lucifer and Charlie hug - because what benefit even does that get him??

So maybe he is taking this step-dad thing seriously because Lilith and him are involved somehow (which, yikes in so many ways), maybe he hates Lucifer for a separate reason unrelated to Charlie and/or Lilith or his hatred of Lucifer has everything to do with Charlie (even if it started with a deal with Lilith initially) and Charlie (as well as the hotel) are starting to have more of an influence on him than he expects.

Either way, it was awesome and this was exactly the found family chaos I was hoping for and I sure am glad to get it.

[skrunksthatwunk]

you go to a lesbian blog and find it says women only!! no men allowed!!! and go oh! excuse me, um, what about other lesbians? plenty of lesbians are genderqueer... and they go well, okay, go fuck yourself tim chop off your sweaty dick and stop calling yourself a lesbian. you do not have a dick, actually. you think about that fact often, even though it does you no good. you do not tell this person that.

you go to another lesbian blog and it says women only and you try again, and this time they change it to wlw + nblw only (non-men who love non-men :D). and you'll say hey i appreciate that but gender's not really that cut and dry for a lot of people. someone could be both a man and nonbinary, for instance. i just worry that you're looking at nonbinary as a generic third gender, or an extension of womanhood. i mean yeah you include nblw in your tags but all your posts are about pussy-havers exclusively. what's with that? and they say go fuck yourself you pervy man pretending to be a lesbian. you tried to sneak in but i won't let you.

so you go to a lesbian blog with a dozen or so posts about queer people needing to be more weird about it and you sigh in relief. but you still see the men dni. that's odd. hoping for the best, you say hey! i know you mean well but please maybe don't put men dni at the end of the lovely posts on your lesbian blog bc some lesbians are men. and they'll be like ok!! well you're allowed ;) and you say no that's not. no. some men are lesbians not just me. you think about your own dicklessness and wonder if that's why you were given entry. and you add that even if male lesbians are allowed, there's no indication of that. how would anyone know without asking? and they're like ohh gotcha gotcha well men dni + this is for sapphics only!! and you'll be like ok well that treats the concepts of men and sapphics as mutually exclusive identities and i just told you that's not true and you agreed with me so.. i don't think that solves our problem. and they're like. ok. fine. men dni but genderfluid and multigender people are allowed! and you're like no see that's. that's still the same thing.. you're saying the same thing just with different words. if you don't want men to interact but you're fine with multigender/genderfluid/etc ppl interacting then you either don't see them as Real Men (because they don't reach a standard of Full Manhood) or Complete Men (because they're only Part-Time Men), both of which suggest that they are, in some way, not men or less-than men, which is invalidating and defeats the point of the exception in the first place (accommodation) OR that you don't really mean the dni which is confusing and inconsistent and makes guydykes feel weird and uncomfortable and excluded from the lesbian space you're trying to cultivate. and they're like um. ok. so. cishet men dni? and you're like well i think that makes more sense, but what if someone identifies as both a cishet man and a sapphic? again, if we're trying to accommodate the genderfucky populace then that has to be a possibility that is considered. and they say god you people are never happy. what do you want me to do? what am i supposed to say to keep the right men out? and you pause. you empathize with the need for a space free from dudes trying to fuck you straight and feminine. dudes who watch lesbian porn and joke about what they'd do if they were allowed into girls locker rooms. who look at you like a piece of meat, and like someone who looks at women like pieces of meat in the same way he does. you get it. you know. you want a space where you can be sapphic, too. that's why you came to these blogs in the first place. you brace yourself and you say well i don't know that there are "right men" to keep out. i don't know that there's any single label that would accomplish whatever it is you're trying to accomplish. you could go for "sapphics only" or "queers only" and i think that might be the closest thing to what you want, but it's never going to be perfect. creating any exclusive space is going to shut out people you didn't account for, and the broader the label, the more people will be shut out that you didn't want to shut out. and what about people who don't know if they're allowed? what of questioning transbians, where are they supposed to go? and, frankly, i think i might rather my dykey posts get read and appreciated by a gay guy who sees me as a man than a woman who only sees me as a sacred womb, pure from male perversions or violence or whatever. i think community might just be more complex than a dni can handle. and they look at you and say i don't want to not have a dni. i think you're too permissive. you can't just "what about" or microlabel your way into everything. go fuck yourself, i bet you're not even a lesbian anyway. go find a real problem to get mad about.

you go to a lesbian blog. you ignore the men dni because you know you probably don't even count to them. or maybe you do count and, out of respect for your manhood, they'd shun you accordingly. you try to feel okay about that. you scroll past dozens of posts about mediocre men and gagging at straight friends' boyfriends and how gross and undeserving men are of the beautiful women they couple up with and how all women should be gay so they can get treated right and and and and and. you finally find a post about curling into someone you love and feeling at peace and try to lose yourself in it. you know that feeling is what unites you, what makes you belong. you try to focus on it. you think about carding your hands through a butch's hair or lacing fingers with a femme and feeling warm and loved and more yourself than you ever have before. like this is who you're meant to be. you read about lesboys and butch boytoys and genderfucky dykes and big hairy deep-voiced wonderful women (like you want to be someday, like you wish you could make yourself) and you try to ignore the men dni underneath each and every post. and you daydream about meeting someone kind and earnest at a lesbian bar even though you don't think any such bars exist within three states of you and you can't drink and don't want to drink because you need to be in control of yourself at all times so you don't fuck up like you're always about to and here in the nonexistent lesbian bar you feel wanted and safe and in good company. you picture your ideal, happiest self. it is a mistake. ideal-you has a goatee. not the mascara one you smear on and call drag even though you know it's not drag, not really, the beard you call drag because you think everyone would look at you sadly if you told them it was just to pretend you had something out of your reach. a beard that's soft and that you grew and that cannot be smudged away if you get too comfortable with it. the dream shatters. your people pull away from you, their scoffs mixing with the mind-numbing gay girl bedroom pop you learned to settle for just to have something that almost resembled you, they all pull away and turn their backs and do not look at you. you're too close to being a man now, even though you're the same amount of man as before. and they know you're not supposed to interact with men, not as you would with dykes, at least. and it sours. it's all your imagination, all in your head, but it sours.

you sigh. you think about how small you are. how short, how narrow, how feeble. how your voice pitches up when you talk to strangers because it's easier to speak quietly when it carries more, and because you're nervous. because it's a chore to talk, like everything is. you think about testosterone. you think about how your family would look at you, the questions they would ask, your answers they would only pretend to accept. the uncomfortable glances and whispered questions they'd try to hide from you. you think about how small you are, and how small you will always be. how you don't know of a way to fix it, but even if there was one, no one would want you anymore. you'd be the only one thinking it made you a cooler dyke. you think about how you don't even want a T-voice all the time, how you'll never be able to switch it at will, because you don't know how and can't bring yourself to figure it out. you think about how your throat closes around every hint of your own attraction. how wanting is perverse, how wanting is invasive, how wanting is embarrassing and too vulnerable so it must stay anonymous, as an online witness, and how you can barely manage to form or maintain friendships because your brain makes you pull away, always spinning out and struggling to recover from the simplest of interactions. how they'll all leave you and you won't chase after them at all and how that will hurt them. how stuck you get. how it looks like nothing's holding you back, how that frustrates everyone who thought you were going to be more than you were. the people you love who understand except when it comes to being ghosted, being shut out. how you don't want to hurt them. how you can't tell them that because you're stuck. how you turn to stone when touched, how you never reach out, how you lose your speech and can't look at people, how your autism is fun and sexy until it becomes real and you never see them anymore, how much you longed for someone who knew everything without you having to explain, and who loved you anyway. how unreasonable you know that is to expect of anyone. you think about that not-even-real lesbian bar. you think about how you still can't drive. how you can't leave your home on your own, without dragging somebody into helping you. how you can't leave your body. how you can't leave your manhood behind.

you think about finding another lesbian blog and ignoring everything. about skimming it for the parts you can juice some meaning from. the parts men ignore and don't understand, and how typical of you it is to do so. or the parts where you're not welcome and you should accept that, because it's for lesbians only. how you are a lesbian anyway. how you're meant to choose lesbian or man, how each is a betrayal of some kind to yourself or your people, your family, your lovely strangers, your rare friendly acquaintances. about the parts that tell you you're not wanted, that you're ugly and lazy and gross and insert yourself everywhere without even asking. about the parts that tell you you are hated, and how lesbians are above it all by rejecting men. how lesbians are each blessed miracles. about the parts that say you should be ashamed of being whatever twisted confused freak you are, of everything, of looking and wanting or not looking or not wanting, of picking and choosing instead of taking it all in with a smile. after all, shouldn't you take it? or is your ego too fragile, as men's so often are? aren't you tired? good. we're not here for your consumption. and we sure as hell don't want your company or "community" or whatever. didn't you read the sign? no boys allowed. and if you want to come in you have to make up your mind. as if you haven't told them the only answer you have. you're both. you're both.

you know you broke the rule by interacting.

but it gets lonely sometimes. you wonder if they know.

[devilsskettle]

i think i'm finally gonna read house of leaves wish me luck

[blindecho6]

[crispycreambacon]

Been feeling really upside-down smiling emoji lately 🙃

[newlacesleeves]

GOOD MORNING MY FRIENDS

I RAN 4.5 MILES TODAY

[invisiblyvisiblejay]

i want people to accommodate my autism the way they accommodate house like jeez im way nicer than him and no one makes up puzzles for me when im upset or just fucking let's me do whatever i want or still cares abt when i do something really fucked up bc they know that's just how i am and they signed up for that in having a relationship with me

[zappedbywho]

.

[psychicwound]

WAUGGGHH

[keeps-ache]

souP..

[uitzinnigmp3]

.

[lesbianlenas]

you remind me of a young woman in the 1400s suffering from an ailment who is begging to be well and to be able to drink water again

literally me in my bed rn at 3am wanting to drink water so badly i am a wilting victorian maidan 😩

[thenothlng]

probably a wiz oomfie: tumblr user thenothlng also known as styx pass through here

wizblr: how can you tell???

wizoomf: Wizsein

[agayconcept]

.

[bravest-notts]

a truly blessed thursday is upon us bc on top of the tlovm trailer and cr3 tonight, my top surgery consult got moved from march to january

[rosicheeks]

Unfortunately relatable. I grew up in the church and have a lot of Christian trauma from that. I show up for special occasions for my parents… sometimes. But it’s uncomfortable from the moment I step through the door. Bigoted pastor, the self-righteousness disguising the prejudice, the political comments from the altar. Shots at young people left right and center as if the hell on earth wasn’t caused by the same older generation 90% of the congregation belongs to..

I miss being young in the choir and the youth groups and not struggling with it. It’s wild to look back at the younger version of me who was unshakeable in his faith and honestly just saddening.

I was texting my sister today about it and she said

“I 100% think ALL of us have a ton of religious trauma and everyone else in the family just doesn’t realize it cause they’re still drinking the kool-aid.”

I ran out of tag room and didn’t want to delete any 😭 seriously not lying I could write a book about all my thoughts and experiences