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alexiethymia · 10 months ago

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Hazbin Hotel Ep 5

Ok wow Ep 5 (and 6) was such a ride.

It's so fun to dissect Alastor since he's pretty much the only one who's character is hard to pin right now.

I can easily believe that Lilith is the one he has a contract with (hence the on a leash comment). I can believe that he might or might not be there because of Lilith (either he's obeying Lilith or he's getting close to Charlie because that in some way will help him get rid of his leash). I can also believe that he is intentionally pissing Lucifer off.

BUT

The thing is, even with all of this, I really thought that the Alastor we would see was the same Alastor we saw who handled Vox with so much class. Someone did a mini analysis about their face off. Alastor was completely unbothered and in control of the whole situation. He didn't bother interrupting Vox and the whole encounter with Vox losing his top and Alastor keeping his cool definitely showed that Alastor won that round.

But with Lucifer, it's different. Lucifer is pathetic and desperate. It would be so easy for Alastor to rile him up while still being calm, but there's none of that here. Where's the manipulative persona? Rather, it even seems like Lucifer brought Alastor down to his level of pettiness.

There's visceral rage right from the beginning when he sees the welcome banner, and the uncontrollable twitching of the eye when he sees Lucifer hug Charlie. The funny thing is Alastor is the first one to react to Lucifer while Lucifer is completely focused on his daughter. Twice we saw this petty eye twitching - when he was annoyed with the Egg Bois and when Carmilla could care less about where he disappeared to. So we know Alastor is capable of it. He's not as high and above everyone as he thinks he is.

Lucifer's lame comeback was enough to get him to swear?? It was such a whiplash from what was established about Alastor so far. But for him to show his annoyance at Lucifer in such an obvious way, shows that there's something about Lucifer that just pisses him off, enough to slip his usual control.

Same with his final encounter with Mimzy. They're established as good friends, but the hotel is a red line. He's not all lofty like in the past episodes when Mimzy confronts him about whether or not he actually cares about the hotel. We as the audience are supposed to be sure that he doesn't, but I was expecting at least a smirk or his usual pleasantness and I-know-something-you-don't attitude. But he was as serious as he ever has been when he gives Mimzy an ultimatum. And the thing is, it's not a show he puts on to get on Charlie's good side or to piss Lucifer off since neither of them see it.

Again, I could easily interpret the entire sequence between Lucifer and Alastor as Alastor still being on top, and willfully manipulating and using Charlie just so he can have one over Lucifer if not for those two things. His uncontrolled reactions - swearing at Lucifer and the uncontrollable eye twitching when Lucifer and Charlie hug - because what benefit even does that get him??

So maybe he is taking this step-dad thing seriously because Lilith and him are involved somehow (which, yikes in so many ways), maybe he hates Lucifer for a separate reason unrelated to Charlie and/or Lilith or his hatred of Lucifer has everything to do with Charlie (even if it started with a deal with Lilith initially) and Charlie (as well as the hotel) are starting to have more of an influence on him than he expects.

Either way, it was awesome and this was exactly the found family chaos I was hoping for and I sure am glad to get it.

#hazbin hotel #alastor #charlie morningstar #lucifer morningstar #like ep 5 and 6 were both great for found family feels #the fact that Alastor near says it verbatim in the song and shows their f'd up li'l hotel family #(except Sir Pentious) no I correct myself Sir Pentious was in the kid-friendly drawing!#but no nifty so I guess height? or because she appeared in the song already. but the drawing itself is funny though it's so pg haha #ep 6 was so great #I am so so proud of Angel Dust #how he always gets the courage to fight against Val when he's fighting for his friends #first Charlie then Nifty #like he is probably the most selfless to endure everything #as long as none of his friends are hurt #and perhaps it's saying something that he's protective over the girls #because he remembers molly #it's even in the little things like watching out for nifty's drink #or wanting to actually commit on going on the straight and narrow #husk being proud of angle dust #the grayness of morality #I'm glad we got emily #and that charlie isn't just a naive optimist #it's what makes her so admirable #AND THE FORESHADOWING WITH VAGGIE #I am late to the party #I didn't realize about the pilot outfit #BUT AGAIN duh it would make sense even in the pilot people were wondering why vaggie would be in hell #but I mean even that throwawayline in ep 4 about vaggie learning to trust through military drills which didn't make sense #from her earth background but we know now is because she was an exorcist #and even the obvious and not obvious origin of her name

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skrunksthatwunk · 11 months ago

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you go to a lesbian blog and find it says women only!! no men allowed!!! and go oh! excuse me, um, what about other lesbians? plenty of lesbians are genderqueer... and they go well, okay, go fuck yourself tim chop off your sweaty dick and stop calling yourself a lesbian. you do not have a dick, actually. you think about that fact often, even though it does you no good. you do not tell this person that.

you go to another lesbian blog and it says women only and you try again, and this time they change it to wlw + nblw only (non-men who love non-men :D). and you'll say hey i appreciate that but gender's not really that cut and dry for a lot of people. someone could be both a man and nonbinary, for instance. i just worry that you're looking at nonbinary as a generic third gender, or an extension of womanhood. i mean yeah you include nblw in your tags but all your posts are about pussy-havers exclusively. what's with that? and they say go fuck yourself you pervy man pretending to be a lesbian. you tried to sneak in but i won't let you.

so you go to a lesbian blog with a dozen or so posts about queer people needing to be more weird about it and you sigh in relief. but you still see the men dni. that's odd. hoping for the best, you say hey! i know you mean well but please maybe don't put men dni at the end of the lovely posts on your lesbian blog bc some lesbians are men. and they'll be like ok!! well you're allowed ;) and you say no that's not. no. some men are lesbians not just me. you think about your own dicklessness and wonder if that's why you were given entry. and you add that even if male lesbians are allowed, there's no indication of that. how would anyone know without asking? and they're like ohh gotcha gotcha well men dni + this is for sapphics only!! and you'll be like ok well that treats the concepts of men and sapphics as mutually exclusive identities and i just told you that's not true and you agreed with me so.. i don't think that solves our problem. and they're like. ok. fine. men dni but genderfluid and multigender people are allowed! and you're like no see that's. that's still the same thing.. you're saying the same thing just with different words. if you don't want men to interact but you're fine with multigender/genderfluid/etc ppl interacting then you either don't see them as Real Men (because they don't reach a standard of Full Manhood) or Complete Men (because they're only Part-Time Men), both of which suggest that they are, in some way, not men or less-than men, which is invalidating and defeats the point of the exception in the first place (accommodation) OR that you don't really mean the dni which is confusing and inconsistent and makes guydykes feel weird and uncomfortable and excluded from the lesbian space you're trying to cultivate. and they're like um. ok. so. cishet men dni? and you're like well i think that makes more sense, but what if someone identifies as both a cishet man and a sapphic? again, if we're trying to accommodate the genderfucky populace then that has to be a possibility that is considered. and they say god you people are never happy. what do you want me to do? what am i supposed to say to keep the right men out? and you pause. you empathize with the need for a space free from dudes trying to fuck you straight and feminine. dudes who watch lesbian porn and joke about what they'd do if they were allowed into girls locker rooms. who look at you like a piece of meat, and like someone who looks at women like pieces of meat in the same way he does. you get it. you know. you want a space where you can be sapphic, too. that's why you came to these blogs in the first place. you brace yourself and you say well i don't know that there are "right men" to keep out. i don't know that there's any single label that would accomplish whatever it is you're trying to accomplish. you could go for "sapphics only" or "queers only" and i think that might be the closest thing to what you want, but it's never going to be perfect. creating any exclusive space is going to shut out people you didn't account for, and the broader the label, the more people will be shut out that you didn't want to shut out. and what about people who don't know if they're allowed? what of questioning transbians, where are they supposed to go? and, frankly, i think i might rather my dykey posts get read and appreciated by a gay guy who sees me as a man than a woman who only sees me as a sacred womb, pure from male perversions or violence or whatever. i think community might just be more complex than a dni can handle. and they look at you and say i don't want to not have a dni. i think you're too permissive. you can't just "what about" or microlabel your way into everything. go fuck yourself, i bet you're not even a lesbian anyway. go find a real problem to get mad about.

you go to a lesbian blog. you ignore the men dni because you know you probably don't even count to them. or maybe you do count and, out of respect for your manhood, they'd shun you accordingly. you try to feel okay about that. you scroll past dozens of posts about mediocre men and gagging at straight friends' boyfriends and how gross and undeserving men are of the beautiful women they couple up with and how all women should be gay so they can get treated right and and and and and. you finally find a post about curling into someone you love and feeling at peace and try to lose yourself in it. you know that feeling is what unites you, what makes you belong. you try to focus on it. you think about carding your hands through a butch's hair or lacing fingers with a femme and feeling warm and loved and more yourself than you ever have before. like this is who you're meant to be. you read about lesboys and butch boytoys and genderfucky dykes and big hairy deep-voiced wonderful women (like you want to be someday, like you wish you could make yourself) and you try to ignore the men dni underneath each and every post. and you daydream about meeting someone kind and earnest at a lesbian bar even though you don't think any such bars exist within three states of you and you can't drink and don't want to drink because you need to be in control of yourself at all times so you don't fuck up like you're always about to and here in the nonexistent lesbian bar you feel wanted and safe and in good company. you picture your ideal, happiest self. it is a mistake. ideal-you has a goatee. not the mascara one you smear on and call drag even though you know it's not drag, not really, the beard you call drag because you think everyone would look at you sadly if you told them it was just to pretend you had something out of your reach. a beard that's soft and that you grew and that cannot be smudged away if you get too comfortable with it. the dream shatters. your people pull away from you, their scoffs mixing with the mind-numbing gay girl bedroom pop you learned to settle for just to have something that almost resembled you, they all pull away and turn their backs and do not look at you. you're too close to being a man now, even though you're the same amount of man as before. and they know you're not supposed to interact with men, not as you would with dykes, at least. and it sours. it's all your imagination, all in your head, but it sours.

you sigh. you think about how small you are. how short, how narrow, how feeble. how your voice pitches up when you talk to strangers because it's easier to speak quietly when it carries more, and because you're nervous. because it's a chore to talk, like everything is. you think about testosterone. you think about how your family would look at you, the questions they would ask, your answers they would only pretend to accept. the uncomfortable glances and whispered questions they'd try to hide from you. you think about how small you are, and how small you will always be. how you don't know of a way to fix it, but even if there was one, no one would want you anymore. you'd be the only one thinking it made you a cooler dyke. you think about how you don't even want a T-voice all the time, how you'll never be able to switch it at will, because you don't know how and can't bring yourself to figure it out. you think about how your throat closes around every hint of your own attraction. how wanting is perverse, how wanting is invasive, how wanting is embarrassing and too vulnerable so it must stay anonymous, as an online witness, and how you can barely manage to form or maintain friendships because your brain makes you pull away, always spinning out and struggling to recover from the simplest of interactions. how they'll all leave you and you won't chase after them at all and how that will hurt them. how stuck you get. how it looks like nothing's holding you back, how that frustrates everyone who thought you were going to be more than you were. the people you love who understand except when it comes to being ghosted, being shut out. how you don't want to hurt them. how you can't tell them that because you're stuck. how you turn to stone when touched, how you never reach out, how you lose your speech and can't look at people, how your autism is fun and sexy until it becomes real and you never see them anymore, how much you longed for someone who knew everything without you having to explain, and who loved you anyway. how unreasonable you know that is to expect of anyone. you think about that not-even-real lesbian bar. you think about how you still can't drive. how you can't leave your home on your own, without dragging somebody into helping you. how you can't leave your body. how you can't leave your manhood behind.

you think about finding another lesbian blog and ignoring everything. about skimming it for the parts you can juice some meaning from. the parts men ignore and don't understand, and how typical of you it is to do so. or the parts where you're not welcome and you should accept that, because it's for lesbians only. how you are a lesbian anyway. how you're meant to choose lesbian or man, how each is a betrayal of some kind to yourself or your people, your family, your lovely strangers, your rare friendly acquaintances. about the parts that tell you you're not wanted, that you're ugly and lazy and gross and insert yourself everywhere without even asking. about the parts that tell you you are hated, and how lesbians are above it all by rejecting men. how lesbians are each blessed miracles. about the parts that say you should be ashamed of being whatever twisted confused freak you are, of everything, of looking and wanting or not looking or not wanting, of picking and choosing instead of taking it all in with a smile. after all, shouldn't you take it? or is your ego too fragile, as men's so often are? aren't you tired? good. we're not here for your consumption. and we sure as hell don't want your company or "community" or whatever. didn't you read the sign? no boys allowed. and if you want to come in you have to make up your mind. as if you haven't told them the only answer you have. you're both. you're both.

you know you broke the rule by interacting.

but it gets lonely sometimes. you wonder if they know.

#before i maybe get yelled at:#1) no i do not think ppl are evil for having men dnis no i do not think these are all equal transgressions even #though there is an overlap that should be examined that i think is based in a degree of lesbian separatism + exclusionism #2) yes there are lesbian blogs and people that are cool about genderfucky people. i'm not talking about them #3) this is a stylized vent post about trying to find lesbian content on tumblr that isn't like this. all these dnis/rules are ones i have #encountered. no i do not literally tell these people to change their dnis to suit me. the conversations are symbolic and ideological in #nature. if i find a blog with men dni i generally go somewhere else. it's about emotions. it's about my feelings on that it's not literally #about dming someone demanding they change things. it's not about demanding that You change things or else you're a bad person.#4) it is about the conflicts and hypocrisy and inconsistency of strict and exclusive sexuality labels persisting in gender-diverse spaces #and how it affects me as a lesbian who is a man who is a woman who is fucking whatever else. and yes it is about transphobia too.#5) it's about how lesbians feel the need to exclude men and how i think efforts to do so fail and hurt ppl and are often misguided #tht i think also comes up in like. bi lesbian/mspec lesbian/gaybian discourse. i'm not any of those myself but it seems like there's overla #6) if this post seems whiny and sad and insecure that's because it probably is. i have a right to be all of those things.#7) no i do not think all lesbians are man-hating assholes. i am a lesbian. i love lesbians. i love dykes and most of them are fantastic ppl #i just think the general bullshit of the world leads to this defensive thing that ends up hurting others in our community y'know?#8) i get that my perspective/experience is a bit unusual and many lovely ppl haven't considered it. that's part of why i'm sharing this #nyarla dni #<- sorry man it's too vulnerable. gonna keep this one to the internet-only folks #adding this wayy later but a crucial part of the experience i Almost talked about it this but never explicitly did was that like #the measures ppl take to 'defend against men' are often deeply transmisogynistic as well. obviously #and when i see that it hurts me too. not that it hits me the same way when strangers assume im a trans woman and hate me for it #but it doesn't feel good to see transphobia at all. i focused on how that relates to other kinds of transphobia #namely transandrophobia here but like. it's all connected. lesbain separatism + exclusionism relies on both and they aren't always #distinct experiences. ime. anyway trans ppl i love all of you forever #i just thought me writing “*turns to the camera* and trans women exp this too.' wouldve been too much even for this post #i figured the audience would like. know that. and so far it hasn't been an issue. i have not been yelled at thanks guys 🫶

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devilsskettle · 1 month ago

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i think i'm finally gonna read house of leaves wish me luck

#i've been meaning to read this book for like 5+ years lol #i think i'm finally ready to commit to it and also i just bit the bullet and bought a copy #because i know myself enough to know that i will not finish it if i get it from the library #and also they didn’t have the gravity falls book at the bookstore hahaha they said they’ve sold out of it twice #so. oh well. house of leaves time first #also i think i'm gonna finish fma brotherhood without my friend who wanted to watch it in the first place #out of spite because he's still being a little bitch #hope he doesn't change his mind! or feel butt hurt when i don't want to watch shit with him anymore #i think after all this i'm not gonna watch any longer series with him anymore #movies only. low commitment only. so he can't bail on me just on a whim #i'm enjoying fma a lot though!! these boys are the exact type of characters i get attached to lol #i like the alchemy shit also and the humor/drama balance #and the character design and the world building and the Lore #i was kind of on a movie kick again earlier this month but i just don’t have a lot of time for it rn #or the attention span. to be so honest #kind of embarrassing but i’m so mentally exhausted and i’ve been splitting my attention between a lot of different things lately #i was on such a reading kick this summer too!! hopefully house of leaves will replenish my energy for reading #i also got a sci-fi novel a nonfiction book and a folklore collection so i have plenty of new material rn #and i found another book that i want to reread soon #winter is gonna be a big reading time i am committing to that!!#anyway. that’s that

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blindecho6 · 10 months ago

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#I'm just looking at it and I still can't believe I actually drew that #I always wanted to try out this technique where people praw over lineart #and don't worry about uniform colors throught a picture #just picking the ones that are vagualy similar #so ofc I chose a dragon to try this out on #because humans are hard and dragons are just whatever you want them to be #and it's a year of the dragon and it's appropiate to finally post some dragons to celebrate it #and it had to be a noodle dragon because of that #and I still can't believe I drew this thing #It's just so #different from what I usually draw #more realistic that way also #and if my hand just wouldn't be fucking hurting right now like crazy I would promise myself to draw like this more #but right now it's just hurts to even write this lmao #I also can't believe that I set throu the entire night drawing this thing (started around 2am and now is 5:50 am as I'm writing this)#dragon #year of the dragon #noodle dragon #my art #my post

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crispycreambacon · 4 months ago

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Been feeling really upside-down smiling emoji lately 🙃

#i went grocery shopping on my own for the first time today! 🎉 yay! 🎉#oh no turns out carrying 3 bags of groceries and 6.6 liters of water would be extremely hard! 🎉 my arms hurt now! 🎉#and then I ordered dinner… which took 30+ minutes and 5 people behind me in line got their food first #‘cause the waiters gave me the wrong number 🙃#then I had to talk to laundry attendants which was hard because 1) social anxiety #2) 💫 I did not speak a lick of Tagalog despite being in the Philippines what the heck 💫#one of the laundry attendants fr mentioned that I couldn’t speak Tagalog to another customer I wanted to die right then and there #AND IT WASN’T EVEN THE RIGHT LAUNDRY SHOP...#then to top it all off: i locked myself out of my apartment building 🙃#JUST KIDDING THE KEY WAS IN MY POCKET so all of that stress was for 💫 NOTHINGGG 💫#I want nothing more than to relax #No one on Tumblr be on their BS today thank you #Also I’m gonna be uploading some doodles at 11.45 AM EST please be nice to me #chris p fried what?!

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fandom-blackhole · 23 days ago

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#so ive been crying since 5:30am #ive had to cancel my meetings today bc i cant face people #im literally trying to save up all my will power to be able to make it through class tonight #but i just can get over whats just happened #the next few years will break me i know it #ill make sure i persevere but its gonna hurt and its going to be hard #im worried about my grandparents who rely on medicare to survive and get their medication #im worried about my trans and queer friends #im stressed about the threats about the cuts to the board of education #if its gone i loose my ability to finish school #I /rely/ on those loans like it or not #how am i supposed to face my younger sister who dreams of going to school knowing she might not get the same chance bc loans are gone #how am i supposed to watch my little cousin with adhd and autism lose his iep #how am i supposed to live with myself knowing the right to my own body is threatened at every turn #how am i supposed to be able to look both my parents in the eyes ever again and not hold their votes against them #today i let myself morn my hopes i had yesterday #tomorrow i build new hopes for the people i love and those that will be effected by this coming administration #thank god my next therapy appt ended up being schedule for this fri #anyway thanks for reading if you did #i love all of you <3 and i know we can make it through together no matter how tough

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raybeetle · 24 days ago

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i so sad

#thoughts #i think im having like a panic attack or something #like #something attack #i dont want to talk to anyone anymore i keep messing things up #i called a mentally ill person disgusting because i didnt see their other anon confessions in the server about their mental illnesd #they menyioned how they shower once a month #and i saw that i didnt see the other messages #i asked them how they didnt get uncomfortable “being that disgusting”#i meant it like. The feeling of #Not having taken a shower in a month. I didnt want to imply they were inherently disgudsting for their mental illness and everyone was like #wow rayman what the fuck is wrong with you why would you say that about someone. and they vented about me in the vent channel #it was a horrible thing for me to say and like yesterday i also fucked up i said mean shit to someone. I dont know whats wrong with me why i #cant stop doing bad things. i need to kill myself or something i need to lock myself away so other people dont get hurt by me #i was clawing at my head crying hitting myself with my knuckles because i just fucking loathed myself i pretend im so happy and like yeah im #happy but like really i fucking hate myself so so much more than anything in the world the only reason im not dead is because i love this #world enough to stay on it. i hate myself so much. i get so so sad when i look in the mirror because im not who i am im no one im always #trying to be a person or something when im nothing im so worthless coping off the “smart” compliments i got in 2nd grade when in reality im #just some stupid fucking rancid asshole with rage anxiety lonlieness stewing in my soul for 5 years i cant be normal around anyone im not #supposed to be friends with anyone i shouldnt have a partner he needs to kill me i need him to beat me over the head with a shovel and keep #beating me and stabbbing me with it until im alll brutally mauled unrecognizable and he should call me worthless the whole time and i #deserve it

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billy-royalton · 2 months ago

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GOOD MORNING MY FRIENDS

I RAN 4.5 MILES TODAY

#i definitely had to walk at a few points mostly because my bad knee started hurting around the 3 mile mark #(also first time running for distance in FORTY FIVE DEGREE WEATHER)#(i finally caved and bought cold weather running gear 🫠 but it worked!!)#anyway i feel great truly i'm not beating myself up about having to walk 4.5 miles is a LOT OF MILEAGE i am so proud #5 by end of the month feels achievable!!!#daisyruns.txt

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invisiblyvisiblejay · 1 year ago

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i want people to accommodate my autism the way they accommodate house like jeez im way nicer than him and no one makes up puzzles for me when im upset or just fucking let's me do whatever i want or still cares abt when i do something really fucked up bc they know that's just how i am and they signed up for that in having a relationship with me

#house md #i would like to stop being sat down and told i am fucking things up #kind of makes me hate myself and also never speak to anyone ever #yknow just sort of hurts when someone is basically like that was really inappropriate and embarrassing and u should know better #like yeah i should but if the way i am is bothering u like. tell me then. not 3 days later when ive done it like 5 more times wtf #and then be like no ur not weird why would u think that #anyways #this definitely isn't referencing anything in particular that happened like maybe wednesday or something w girl im dating #she makes me feel sooo autistic never had a relationship w someone that made me feel this fucked up lol #this is totally a house post definitely

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zappedbywho · 10 months ago

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