#how would I know ?? Asking me to solve problems??
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In the silence
The gentle hum of the BAU office buzzed around you, blending with the rhythmic typing of keyboards and the occasional murmur of conversation. You sat at your desk, your heart betraying a steady pace as you stole a glance at Spencer Reid. He was absorbed in a file, his brows furrowed in concentration, fingers tapping lightly on the edge of his desk. You admired how his mind seemed to race, faster than anyone else’s, solving problems in a way that felt almost magical. And yet, as brilliant as he was, you could never imagine him knowing your secret.
You had been harboring feelings for Spencer for longer than you cared to admit. The connection, at least on your side, had grown deeper over time. He was kind, intelligent, and so utterly unaware of the effect he had on you. You were careful—so careful—never to give any hint, knowing that revealing how you felt could change everything. Your heart was fragile enough without risking his rejection.
But Spencer Reid was not like everyone else. He saw things others missed, read people like they were open books. And though you had perfected the art of hiding, you knew, deep down, that no secret was safe from him forever.
One afternoon, while working together on a particularly difficult case, you noticed Spencer watching you out of the corner of your eye. It wasn’t the usual friendly glance, but something more intense. You tried to ignore it, focused on your work, but the sensation of being scrutinized sent your nerves into overdrive.
"Are you okay?" His voice startled you, gentle yet probing. You looked up to find his eyes—those deep, observant eyes—studying you. He wasn’t just asking if you were tired or stressed. It felt like he was asking about something deeper, something unspoken.
"Yeah," you replied quickly, too quickly. "Just focused on the case."
But Spencer didn't let it go. "You've been… different lately," he said softly, almost to himself. "Your body language, the way you avoid eye contact sometimes, the way your voice changes when you're talking to me— its noticeable"
Your heart stopped. He was analyzing you. You’d been so careful, so guarded, and yet, in that moment, you realized it was pointless. Spencer Reid had already figured it out.
"I… I don’t know what you mean," you lied, trying to hold onto the last vestiges of control. But the tremble in your voice gave you away. Spencer leaned in slightly, lowering his voice.
"You don’t have to say anything," he said, his tone so calm, so gentle. "I know."
It was like the world shifted beneath your feet. The secret you had carried for so long, that you had convinced yourself could never be known, was out in the open. You felt exposed, vulnerable, and utterly terrified. Tears pricked at the corners of your eyes, but you forced them back. You refused to cry in front of him.
Spencer shifted awkwardly in his seat, his face flushed with discomfort. "I'm sorry," he began, his voice soft but laden with regret. "I didn’t mean to give you the wrong impression. If I’ve done anything to make you feel—" He hesitated, clearly trying to find the right words. "I care about you, but… not in the way you might want."
The words hit like a physical blow. You were mortified, frozen in place as the blood rushed to your cheeks. Your worst fear had just materialized—he had figured it out, and now he was apologizing. It was worse than any rejection you had ever imagined.
"I—" you stammered, the words dying in your throat as shame engulfed you. You had never meant for him to know. You had never intended to put him in this position, to make things awkward or uncomfortable. But now, there you were, standing in the aftermath of something you had desperately tried to avoid.
Your heart broke, a quiet shattering that left you feeling hollow. Spencer was kind, as you always knew he would be, but it didn’t soften the pain. If anything, it made it worse. His apology wasn’t cruel, but it was final. You wished you could disappear, that you could take back every lingering look, every subtle sign you thought you had hidden so well.
"I'm sorry," you whispered, voice barely audible. You couldn't bear to look at him, the embarrassment too overwhelming. "I… I never meant for you to find out. I never wanted you to know."
Spencer’s brow furrowed, and for a brief second, you thought you saw a flicker of empathy in his eyes. "You don’t have to apologize," he said gently. "I just don’t want you to feel hurt because of me."
But you did feel hurt. Hurt, ashamed, and humiliated. You swallowed hard, willing yourself not to cry, not to let him see how devastated you were.
Before you could respond, the door to the conference room opened abruptly. Hotch stood there, clipboard in hand, looking between you and Spencer with a slightly raised eyebrow. "Briefing in five," he said, his tone all business as usual. "We’ve got a new case."
You felt a wave of relief wash over you. This was your escape. The interruption couldn’t have come at a better time.
"Thanks, Hotch," you mumbled, quickly rising from your seat and gathering your things. You didn’t dare look back at Spencer, afraid that any more eye contact might make your carefully held composure shatter completely.
As you stepped past Hotch, you could feel Spencer’s eyes following you, but you kept walking, grateful that the professional nature of the job had given you a way out. You needed distance—space to breathe, to process what had just happened without falling apart in front of him.
The hallway seemed longer than usual, the sound of your footsteps echoing in the silence. You blinked back the burning sensation in your eyes, your breath unsteady as you hurried toward the briefing room. There was no time to fall apart now. Work was calling, and you had to focus.
When you entered the room, you were greeted by the usual buzz of the team preparing for the case. Morgan, Garcia, and JJ were already seated, chatting about something you couldn’t quite focus on. You forced a smile and took a seat next to JJ, trying to look as though nothing was wrong, as though your heart wasn’t still aching from the conversation with Spencer.
“Hey, you okay?” JJ asked quietly, giving you a gentle nudge.
You nodded quickly, too quickly. "Yeah, just... a long day."
She smiled sympathetically, but thankfully didn’t press further. You were grateful. The last thing you needed was more questions when you were barely holding it together.
Moments later, Spencer entered the room, taking a seat across from you. You could feel his presence immediately, your pulse quickening as you glanced down at your notes, doing everything you could to avoid looking at him. He, too, seemed more reserved than usual, his expression unreadable as he set his file down.
Hotch began the briefing, and for the next hour, you did your best to focus on the case. It was difficult—your thoughts kept wandering back to Spencer, to his apology, to the crushing embarrassment of knowing that he was aware of your feelings. Every time he spoke, the sound of his voice sent a pang of sadness through your chest, a reminder of what could never be.
The following days passed in a blur. You immersed yourself in the case, using work as an escape from the overwhelming swirl of emotions you were struggling to contain. You avoided Spencer as much as possible, though it became increasingly difficult with every passing moment. The BAU was a tight-knit team, and it was impossible not to interact with him. Each time you had to speak to him or work alongside him, the tension was palpable, the weight of your unspoken feelings hanging between you like an invisible barrier.
Spencer, for his part, remained kind and professional. He didn’t treat you any differently, but the subtle shift in your dynamic was undeniable. He seemed more cautious, more distant, as if he, too, was trying to navigate the awkwardness without making things worse. You wondered if he regretted saying anything at all—if he wished he had kept his analysis to himself.
But it didn’t matter now. The damage was done, and you were left picking up the pieces of your broken heart in silence.
--
Late one evening, after another long day of avoiding eye contact and burying your emotions in paperwork, you found yourself alone in the office. The dim lighting and quiet hum of the computer were a welcome respite from the chaos of the case, but your mind kept drifting back to Spencer. You had tried to push your feelings aside, to forget about that conversation, but it was impossible. The pain lingered, raw and unrelenting.
Just as you were about to pack up and leave, the sound of footsteps approached from behind. You didn’t need to turn around to know who it was.
“Hey,” Spencer’s voice was soft, tentative.
You inhaled sharply, your heart racing. "Hey," you replied, keeping your eyes fixed on the papers in front of you, pretending to be busy.
There was a long pause. You could feel the tension in the air, thick and heavy. Part of you wanted him to leave, to let the silence stretch between you until things faded back into some semblance of normalcy. But another part of you—one you hated to admit—wanted him to stay.
“I, uh… I just wanted to check on you,” he said quietly, stepping closer. "I’ve noticed you’ve been… distant lately."
You let out a bitter laugh, finally turning to face him. “Distant? Yeah, well… I guess I thought that might be for the best.”
Spencer’s brow furrowed, his expression filled with concern. "I don’t want things to be like this," he admitted. "I never wanted to hurt you."
Spencer looked at you, his eyes filled with that same empathy, and it only made things harder. "I understand if you need space," he said softly. "But I don’t want you to feel like you have to avoid me."
But you weren’t ready for this conversation. You weren’t ready to confront the tangled mess of emotions that had been suffocating you for days. You couldn’t handle Spencer’s kindness, not now. Not when the wound was still so fresh.
“I’m fine,” you said quickly, your voice a little too sharp, a little too defensive. You turned back to the papers on your desk, pretending to be engrossed in work. "There’s nothing to talk about."
Spencer hesitated, clearly not buying your attempt to brush things off. "I know this has been difficult—"
“Spencer, I said I’m fine.” The words came out harsher than you intended, and you winced at the coldness in your tone. You couldn’t look at him, not now, not when the shame was still burning in your chest.
There was a long, tense silence. You could feel his eyes on you, searching for something, but you kept your gaze glued to the papers in front of you, refusing to meet his. You wanted this conversation to be over, for him to stop trying to dissect your feelings like they were just another puzzle to solve.
"I don’t want to push," Spencer said quietly, taking a small step back. "But I can tell you’re struggling. If there’s anything I’ve done—"
“Spencer, please,” you cut him off, your voice almost pleading now. "Let’s just leave it."
You didn’t want to elaborate, didn’t want to give any hint of what was really going on. You were desperate to keep everything vague and impersonal, to avoid the emotional discussion that was weighing on you. You needed him to walk away, to let the moment pass without probing further.
Spencer stood there, clearly not fully convinced but respecting your wish to drop the subject. "Okay," he said softly, his eyes filled with concern. "If that’s what you need."
You nodded, still avoiding his gaze. "Yes, that’s what I need."
There was a heavy silence between you, the weight of your unspoken truth hanging in the air. You could feel his disappointment, the unspoken tension that lingered, but you couldn’t bring yourself to face it. Admitting how you really felt would only make things worse. It would only prolong the pain, and you couldn’t afford that.
Spencer lingered for a moment longer, as if he was about to say something else, but then he nodded quietly. "I’ll let you get back to work," he said, his voice barely above a whisper.
You didn’t respond. You couldn’t. You simply kept your eyes down, waiting for the sound of his footsteps retreating as he left the room. When the door finally closed behind him, you exhaled sharply, the tension in your body releasing all at once.
You felt sick. Sick with the weight of your own unspoken truth, sick with the realization that you had just pushed him away. The idea of him knowing—of him seeing how much it hurt—was unbearable.
And so, you sat there in the empty office, your heart heavy with the truth you couldn’t bring yourself to say, knowing that, in the end, you were only hurting yourself more.
--
The following days were still a struggle. You continued to immerse yourself in work, using it as a way to avoid confronting your feelings. Spencer was courteous but distant, respecting your need for space. Every time you saw him, the old familiarity was tainted by the unspoken tension.
One afternoon, as you were sorting through case files in the bullpen, you felt a presence behind you. You turned to find Spencer standing there, a hesitant look on his face.
“Hey,” he said softly. “Do you have a minute?”
You nodded, though your heart was pounding. “Sure, what’s up?”
Spencer took a deep breath, as if steeling himself for what he was about to say. “I just wanted to let you know that I’m here if you ever want to talk. I don’t want you to feel like you have to go through this alone.”
You felt a lump form in your throat. The sincerity in his voice was both comforting and heartbreaking. You had spent so much time trying to distance yourself from him, but here he was, offering support in the most genuine way.
“Thanks, Spencer,” you said, your voice barely above a whisper. “I really appreciate that.”
He smiled, though there was a hint of sadness in his eyes. “Anytime.”
With that, he turned and walked away, leaving you standing there with a mixture of relief and melancholy. You realized that while you couldn’t bring yourself to discuss your feelings openly, knowing that Spencer cared enough to offer support was a small comfort. It was a reminder that even though things had changed, there was still kindness and understanding between you.
As you went about your work, the ache in your heart was still there, but it was slightly eased by the knowledge that you didn’t have to go through it entirely alone. The journey of healing would take time, but Spencer’s gesture gave you a glimmer of hope that, perhaps, things might eventually find a way back to a semblance of normalcy.
#spencer reid angst#criminal minds#criminal minds fanfiction#criminal minds x reader#dr spencer reid#spencer reid#spencer reid fanfic#spencer reid smut#spencer reid x reader#spencer reid x reader smut#spencer reid x y/n#spencer reid fanfiction#spencer reid x you#spencer reid x self insert#criminal minds x y/n#criminal minds angst#spencer reid criminal minds
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So let me get this right, through the HH leaks we find out,
Sir Pentious probably landed in Hell because he was a shut-in who never left his house to give testimony to a crime he witnessed... A problem which had many, many solutions a genius like him could have thought of if the guilt was truly that great including the fact the Police usually interrogates everyone in the area where a crime was committed and his house was literally overlooking the street where it unfolded so he wouldn't have needed to even leave his house to give his own testimony. Or the fact anonymous tips and clues had been given in the past to solve crimes through either mail or a telegram or... Not to mention people can choose to reveal anything they want in their testaments which would have kept them safe but still brought justice upon a criminal in a "better late than never" way.
Anyway, Sir Pentious committed the embodiment of the sin of Sloth in this lifetime... Which is why he lands in the circle of Pride because why have so many circles if all sinners got to Pride regardless of their crimes and their bad deeds in life.
He gets to the HH to seek redemption and, seeing what Charlie's lessons were like to guide him on how to better himself, she never asked what could have possibly gotten him to Hell and found a way to make him grow as a person through that knowledge.
His "redemption" probably happened because, during the showdown against the Exorcists and Adam, Sir Pentious did something brave for once to save the people he now cares about regardless of what could have possibly happened to him... You know.
The HH tenants who did nothing but watch him be dragged into a room at a bar against his will where horrible things were going to happen to him in some kind of twisted role reversal of what he did in his life with Jack the Ripper's first crime.
I didn't expect much out of SP's backstory but this is a moment where on its own it's just... Bad. But with everything else surrounding it ? It's WORSE
There's literally nothing about it that makes sense!
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Ellana looked for Solas everywhere, in every shadow and alleyway of Thedas, at every ephemeral border of her dreams. She hunted him through time, through the annals of her own ancestral history, down through the last long decade of her too short life. She searched for even the echo of his presence in places too old and too broken to be named. And in every corner, through every door, across every dusty room, she found nothing. He was a ghost of a memory, something she stole and kept pressed to the edge of her ribs, just painful enough to remind her it happened.
As the years and the emptiness of her life shuffled on, Ellana's loneliness blossomed outward, consuming the gentler parts of her, until all that was left was bitter and ugly, the refuse of all her wasted hope. And so, for the sake of what life she had life, she set aside that aching desire, and refocused her grim determination on solving problems that he created. If Solas would not have her now, just as he did not keep her then, then so be it. He broke her heart, but she would not let him break the world.
She never expected to see him again, not in this life anyway, and most certainly not in the face of a stranger, in a tavern far, far away.
"This," Morrigan said, "is Rook."
Afterwards, her hand shook for want of something to cling too. The wolf statue she'd given to Thedas's newest champion was all she'd brought on her journey, and so it was to her own miserable shock she was forced to clutch.
"So, what did you think of her?" Morrigan asked upon their return to the south.
'I hate her' was the very first thought in her head, but Ellana pushed it aside for something appropriate, something fair. "She's so young."
Morrigan nodded. "Tis true, she is. But so was the Warden Amell, so was Varric's beloved Hawke," she paused. "So were you."
Ellana felt every second of her 36 years hit her all at once and she failed to keep the grimace from her face. "She's not Dalish, despite her name. I was expecting her to be more..." She could hear the word 'elfy' in Sera's voice as clear as day. "It must drive him mad."
"Oh, I'm sure many things about her do. She's quite obstinate, I'm told." Dorian stepped through the Eluvian after them, brushing imaginary fade-dust from his tailored robes. "Harding says she reminds her of you, all spitfire and stubborness."
It wounded like nothing had in a decade. It was a feeling so far removed from her repertoire of emotions, she didn't dare name it until safely alone in a room, far from prying eyes and clever sight.
Jealousy.
It's so base, so sincere in its immaturity, Ellana smiled despite the revelation. Jealousy, now, at the end of the world. How small it felt before the onslaught of things sure to come, how useless. But it was felt all the same. What a ruin the last decade had made of her pride, the irony of which she was unable to ignore. It would be better, she knew, if she did not love him. It would be easier, she knew, if she hated him. And yet.
And yet.
"El, darling, I've brought you some very expensive and fancy wine that you will pretend to enjoy and I--" Dorian trailed off at the sight of her hunched over in bed, sobbing quietly into her hands. "Oh, Ellana." He did not ask, no one ever did anymore. Instead, he sat down and drew her to him.
"It's not fair," she said into the crook of his neck. "It's not bloody fair."
"Love never is."
"It should be me, sifting through his fractured thoughts, demanding answers and receiving none. A decade of my life, Dorian. A decade. And it's just some--some girl instead." Ellana scoffed in disgust at her own fallible heart. "Her people, they live in his--his home--they--they are sat among his things. They--" She scrubbed at her face, pulling away. "I am so sick of missing him, of wanting answers to a question I asked years ago."
"I know."
"Does this make me foolish? All these years, and I'm still so heartbroken. I'm responsible for the safety of a thousand people and one man, one stupid and prideful man, has weakened me so utterly I cannot help but hate what I've become." Ellana looked at him. "I hate that I hate her. I hate that she was able to succeed where I failed."
"She's only where she's at because of Varric--"
"I spent years thinking of ways to make him stop, for just moment, to just listen to me. And now, she's got him trapped. Trapped and unable to run and I cannot even demand an audience after all this--this searching. He's just as unreachable to me now as he's ever been."
Dorian was at a loss for words, as nearly everyone was when presented with the ugly wound of her heartache. She did not begrudge him such things, nor did she push away his attempts to comfort. Instead, she cried for a while more, just for the posterity of feeling.
"Sorry," she scrubbed at her face after some time. "It's been a long day."
"It's been a long decade," he said gently. "Would you like some company or is this a 'wallow in your own loneliness' sort of evening?"
In response, she grabbed the bottle from him and took a heavy swig. It was impressively dry, like all Tevinter wine. With a grimace, she handed it back. "Company, definitely."
Several cups and not enough food later, the two of them sat before the small fireplace, having lapsed into companionable silence. He had just finished telling her of his recent run in with Vivienne and at the mention of their old friend, her thoughts were inevitably cast back in time to the Dread Wolf.
"I can see him in her," she said softly. "I see Solas in her expression, in the way she carries herself. It's...it's agonizing."
Dorian reached out and took her hand.
"She's so young and the weight of the entire world is on her shoulders. I know that feeling, I know how hard it is going to get," Ellana sighed. "I cannot begrudge her for things wholly out of her control."
"It is okay to hate her, even if it is only a little bit," he replied. "I won't tell."
"I know." She gave him a sad smile. "Maybe at the end of this, on the other side of all this carnage, I can ask her to tell him that I..." There was no word to properly encapsulate the sumtotal of everything she felt for Solas. "That I miss him, even now. And that if he ever wanted to talk, I will always be here to listen."
"He doesn't deserve your heart, Ellana, he never has."
"I know, but it's his anyway."
#solavellan#DAV spoilers#solas x female lavellan#skitterfics#this is literally the first thing I've written that I've liked enough to publish in almost an entire year so like#be gentle lmao#its rough#but i also am obsessed with my Lavellan and what her reactions would be to all this
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The Story of KLogs: What happens when an Mechanical Engineer codes
Since i no longer work at Wearhouse Automation Startup (WAS for short) and havnt for many years i feel as though i should recount the tale of the most bonkers program i ever wrote, but we need to establish some background
WAS has its HQ very far away from the big customer site and i worked as a Field Service Engineer (FSE) on site. so i learned early on that if a problem needed to be solved fast, WE had to do it. we never got many updates on what was coming down the pipeline for us or what issues were being worked on. this made us very independent
As such, we got good at reading the robot logs ourselves. it took too much time to send the logs off to HQ for analysis and get back what the problem was. we can read. now GETTING the logs is another thing.
the early robots we cut our teeth on used 2.4 gHz wifi to communicate with FSE's so dumping the logs was as simple as pushing a button in a little application and it would spit out a txt file
later on our robots were upgraded to use a 2.4 mHz xbee radio to communicate with us. which was FUCKING SLOW. and log dumping became a much more tedious process. you had to connect, go to logging mode, and then the robot would vomit all the logs in the past 2 min OR the entirety of its memory bank (only 2 options) into a terminal window. you would then save the terminal window and open it in a text editor to read them. it could take up to 5 min to dump the entire log file and if you didnt dump fast enough, the ACK messages from the control server would fill up the logs and erase the error as the memory overwrote itself.
this missing logs problem was a Big Deal for software who now weren't getting every log from every error so a NEW method of saving logs was devised: the robot would just vomit the log data in real time over a DIFFERENT radio and we would save it to a KQL server. Thanks Daddy Microsoft.
now whats KQL you may be asking. why, its Microsofts very own SQL clone! its Kusto Query Language. never mind that the system uses a SQL database for daily operations. lets use this proprietary Microsoft thing because they are paying us
so yay, problem solved. we now never miss the logs. so how do we read them if they are split up line by line in a database? why with a query of course!
select * from tbLogs where RobotUID = [64CharLongString] and timestamp > [UnixTimeCode]
if this makes no sense to you, CONGRATULATIONS! you found the problem with this setup. Most FSE's were BAD at SQL which meant they didnt read logs anymore. If you do understand what the query is, CONGRATULATIONS! you see why this is Very Stupid.
You could not search by robot name. each robot had some arbitrarily assigned 64 character long string as an identifier and the timestamps were not set to local time. so you had run a lookup query to find the right name and do some time zone math to figure out what part of the logs to read. oh yeah and you had to download KQL to view them. so now we had both SQL and KQL on our computers
NOBODY in the field like this.
But Daddy Microsoft comes to the rescue
see we didnt JUST get KQL with part of that deal. we got the entire Microsoft cloud suite. and some people (like me) had been automating emails and stuff with Power Automate
This is Microsoft Power Automate. its Microsoft's version of Scratch but it has hooks into everything Microsoft. SharePoint, Teams, Outlook, Excel, it can integrate with all of it. i had been using it to send an email once a day with a list of all the robots in maintenance.
this gave me an idea
and i checked
and Power Automate had hooks for KQL
KLogs is actually short for Kusto Logs
I did not know how to program in Power Automate but damn it anything is better then writing KQL queries. so i got to work. and about 2 months later i had a BEHEMOTH of a Power Automate program. it lagged the webpage and many times when i tried to edit something my changes wouldn't take and i would have to click in very specific ways to ensure none of my variables were getting nuked. i dont think this was the intended purpose of Power Automate but this is what it did
the KLogger would watch a list of Teams chats and when someone typed "klogs" or pasted a copy of an ERROR mesage, it would spring into action.
it extracted the robot name from the message and timestamp from teams
it would lookup the name in the database to find the 64 long string UID and the location that robot was assigned too
it would reply to the message in teams saying it found a robot name and was getting logs
it would run a KQL query for the database and get the control system logs then export then into a CSV
it would save the CSV with the a .xls extension into a folder in ShairPoint (it would make a new folder for each day and location if it didnt have one already)
it would send ANOTHER message in teams with a LINK to the file in SharePoint
it would then enter a loop and scour the robot logs looking for the keyword ESTOP to find the error. (it did this because Kusto was SLOWER then the xbee radio and had up to a 10 min delay on syncing)
if it found the error, it would adjust its start and end timestamps to capture it and export the robot logs book-ended from the event by ~ 1 min. if it didnt, it would use the timestamp from when it was triggered +/- 5 min
it saved THOSE logs to SharePoint the same way as before
it would send ANOTHER message in teams with a link to the files
it would then check if the error was 1 of 3 very specific type of error with the camera. if it was it extracted the base64 jpg image saved in KQL as a byte array, do the math to convert it, and save that as a jpg in SharePoint (and link it of course)
and then it would terminate. and if it encountered an error anywhere in all of this, i had logic where it would spit back an error message in Teams as plaintext explaining what step failed and the program would close gracefully
I deployed it without asking anyone at one of the sites that was struggling. i just pointed it at their chat and turned it on. it had a bit of a rocky start (spammed chat) but man did the FSE's LOVE IT.
about 6 months later software deployed their answer to reading the logs: a webpage that acted as a nice GUI to the KQL database. much better then an CSV file
it still needed you to scroll though a big drop-down of robot names and enter a timestamp, but i noticed something. all that did was just change part of the URL and refresh the webpage
SO I MADE KLOGS 2 AND HAD IT GENERATE THE URL FOR YOU AND REPLY TO YOUR MESSAGE WITH IT. (it also still did the control server and jpg stuff). Theres a non-zero chance that klogs was still in use long after i left that job
now i dont recommend anyone use power automate like this. its clunky and weird. i had to make a variable called "Carrage Return" which was a blank text box that i pressed enter one time in because it was incapable of understanding /n or generating a new line in any capacity OTHER then this (thanks support forum).
im also sure this probably is giving the actual programmer people anxiety. imagine working at a company and then some rando you've never seen but only heard about as "the FSE whos really good at root causing stuff", in a department that does not do any coding, managed to, in their spare time, build and release and entire workflow piggybacking on your work without any oversight, code review, or permission.....and everyone liked it
#comet tales#lazee works#power automate#coding#software engineering#it was so funny whenever i visited HQ because i would go “hi my name is LazeeComet” and they would go “OH i've heard SO much about you”
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Not Kaeya solving their severe understaffed problem by employing neighboring spy 😭😭
“We had a problem and i Took care of the problem. don’t ask me how it happened, let us thank Barbatos ” kaeya to jean probably when she asked where did all the treasure hoarders go. and maybe she thinks it was Diluc and wow its so nice of Sir Diluc how did he do it? but he is actually making juice and complaining to his employees about war or smth meanwhile Yelan is trying to hold Kaeya the favor that she did help him or something and he says they once sent Noelle to liyue snd she just helped them there so they should call it even idk the whole concept is hilarious to me
context - https://www.tumblr.com/gold-rhine/766295051743674368
but like yeah, i think this kind of tricks would fit with kaeya exactly, like he swindlled fatui for money by organizing "conference" and how he tricked traveler into helping without direct asking, etc. he knows jean should NOt learn about it under any circumstances bc she will try to pay liyue back. meanwhile after archon quests kaeya meets yelan and is like "hey so you know how traveler landed in mond, so they are technically from here, and then they went and saved liyue, so i think actually its YOU who owes mond for help and ..." and he then he dodges bc yelan is already shooting him in the head sdfghjk
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The trolls are back - here's how to deal with them
The anon harassers are back in the fandom after a hiatus, and I know this is an especially sensitive time for a lot of people. So I just want to share a few things (that can apply to any fandom) about my experience and how I've dealt with them in the past.
First, and this is the single most important thing, the harassment is NOT about you or your story. It is 1000% entirely about them. There was a time when the stories that got attacked were about specific themes they didn't enjoy. Then it was just every story that was remotely popular. Now, who even knows, it's just everything. Do you know what that tells me? It's not about the writer, or the story. (They've attacked some of THE most talented writers in the fandom and some of THE best stories.) It's about their jealousy over someone else creating something that is loved by others. It's their jealousy over not knowing what their purpose is in life and not knowing what they have to give, so rather than figuring that out, they'll just attack people who have found their gift. So, fuck them for that.
Second! Please believe me that I understand if this impacts your mental health. It's straight up cyberbullying, and that sucks, especially when you're making yourself vulnerable by putting your heart into something and sharing it with the world. So I will not judge you if you need to take a step back. But I would argue that the better way to give them the finger is to ignore them and keep doing what you enjoy. They've already chased several authors out of the fandom, and it clearly hasn't satisfied them at all - they won't be happy until every last person stops writing, for some fucking reason.
Third, here's how I got rid of (the vast majority of) the harassment, as I was getting it pretty bad at one point. First, change your comments on AO3 to "Only registered users can comment." You might literally have to go back and do it for all your stories. It's a pain in the ass, and it cuts off users without an account from commenting, and I know that sucks. But I promise it will solve 90% of the problem.
For shitty comments from a registered account, just go ahead and block those people.
If they send you asks on Tumblr (I get those too), just keep blocking. Go to your inbox, click the three dots in the top right corner of the message, and hit Block sender. You can even do this with Anonymous asks, and it will block Anonymous messages from THAT sender without blocking Anonymous asks altogether (a feature I dearly wish AO3 would adopt).
You can also report comments on AO3 and Tumblr - I'm not much of an expert in this, but it's an option.
There were other steps I had to take, but I don't want to give the harassers any ideas (I know they read my posts). So if you have issues beyond this, feel free to reach out to me directly and I can share more, or help you figure out how to deal with it.
I hope this helps. Fic writing is a fun, beautiful creative expression with a wonderful community and I am sick of watching people be pushed out of it. It is not a reflection on your talent, and if anything, shows me that the harasser read and liked your fic and THAT is what pisses them off. If it was truly bad, they wouldn't care. I love all of you writers, and I believe in you, and I am here for you. Together, there are so many more of us than there are of them.
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“What?” Quin whispered at the King’s words. He nearly asked him to repeat himself because he didn’t believe the words he had heard. They were still betrothed. He was surprised with everything that happened the King would allow them to move forward with it. He remember the concern Cesare’s father had before he was kidnapped, how it was Quin’s fault he looked so haunted. How Cesare had set off without a moment’s notice to retrieve Quin from his uncle’s grasp. He knew Cesare loved it, Quin never doubted that, but it was what Cesare would do for him that scared him. Because if it came down to it, Quin wasn’t sure Cesare would put his country before him. And it would only be a matter of time before his uncle figured that out.
“About time,” Maximus said, shoving at Quin’s shoulder. “I gave Cesare my permission forever ago.” Quin cut his brother a glare but the squeeze of his hand had him drawing his attention back to Cesare as the King continued to talk to Maximus. Quin studied their clasped hands, the words of Cesare’s father going in one ear and out the other. He understood what the man was saying and in a perfect world Maximus would have the time to find his soulmate and marry for love, but that wasn’t their reality and they were running out of time. He knew it wasn’t the time to argue his point, he would wait to get Maximus alone for that.
And then he heard Cesare’s words and Quintus felt like he was floating. Everything he had longed for, had wanted was right in front of him, and he could take it. Cesare would give his unwavering love for Quin freely and without restraints, but even as Cesare spoke beautiful words to him, Quintus didn’t know if he should.
Because the truth of the matter was that Cesare didn’t know everything and Quin never wanted him to. The fact of the matter was that Quin, despite Cesare’s best efforts, may not survive seeing his brother to the throne. And if they were to enter into a union, Quin would become a liability to Cesare. One that his uncle would have no issue exploiting. It was dangerous to continue their relationship when everything was on the line. He knew once they married, he would be a member of Adros’ court. If his uncle kidnapped Quintus again or even successfully killed him, there was no other choice but for the countries to go to war.
“Of course it’s what I want,” He said quietly to Cesare, glancing up to meet his gaze. “It’s what I’ve always wanted since I met you and knew I would do anything for seconds of your attention.” He squeezed Cesare’s hands, rubbing his thumb along his knuckles. “For the longest time I didn’t think love was meant for me, but you came into my life and I knew if I wanted anyone to love me it was you. Loving you is having company during thunderstorms, it’s adventures, and sharing meals. It’s disagreeing but coming together to solve the problem anyways. It’s…” Quin ducked his chin to his chest, avoiding Cesare for the moment as he attempted to control the blush spreading across his face. Fuck, how he hated that Maximus and Cesare’s father was here for this. “It’s having my best friend by my side.”
“I’m not going to pretend that one didn’t hurt a bit because it did,” Quin heard Max say in the background.
“If our circumstances were different, I would marry you tonight. I need you to know that. But as it stands, while my uncle is alive and fighting to take over our countries, I can’t put you in a position where I’m a liability to you because if he catches wind of this, he will use us against each other. If that costs you your throne, I would never forgive myself.” He closed his eyes, shaking his head, forcing himself to fight the sting of tears. “I’m in this, Cesare, with you, but only when it’s safe for you and Adros.”
It felt as if he'd slipped in between realities because the conversations happening in front of him truly couldn't be. While Cesare knew this was all apart of their lives but it hurt to hear Max saying that. Still on the mend and out of his own country just added insult to injury and Cesare leaned forward to offer his hand to him, knowing full and well that it wasn't anything but a sign of understanding.
"While both of you are right." The king interjected, sending Cesare to clasp onto Quin's hand instead. He felt the reflex to push him off but he held on tighter. "Quintus and Cesare are already betrothed to one another." His eyes darted between his son and the prince expectantly. "They announced it upon their arrival and unless I'm not privy to some sort of discussion on that being changed. It still stands." Cesare swallowed hard and his fingers flexed around Quin's, the heat between them creating a comfortable feel and he felt himself leaning towards him in turn. "I'll take that as a no. Then we've already a foot in the right direction." He breathed out and looked to Max then. "I know I'm not the right man to be discussing this with you or even have a right to but I knew your father well. He was a dear friend to me as you are to my son."
Cesare felt the room shift just then for him. His father rarely opened up or spoke softly to anyone but his mother and him. It was something he'd admired, how he could always hold his role of King separate when the time was needed for it. "Both of your parents would want the two of you to be happy. And I for one agree with them. I wish the very same for Cesare." He sighed and looked at the three of them. "I'm afraid this world will be extra hard on you but if you are going to marry, all of you then let it be for the right reasons." He paused, smiling softy to himself for a moment. "The selection of a partner is one thing but to marry and have bliss? That will be the true tell of how powerful a ruler you will be. Your parents are great examples of that." He tried his best to not let it show but he felt the tears welling at the sight of their future before him. "So please take your time in choosing. For you choose for a whole country as well. You two will always be welcomed guests in this country and my home." He raised his hand, waiving for his hand to come to him. He'd whispered briefly in the man's ear and sent him on out of the room.
The cool breeze of the door closing again sent a chill down Cesare's spine and he tore his gaze from his father and to Max and then Quin. "I made the right choice." He told him boldly, turning in his chair until their knees met. He wished they hadn't just dragged him out of the bowls of hell and away from that man but he needed Quin to know. "I have loved you for a long time." He could see Max moving in the background but had to block him out because saying this had to be done right then. "I want your home to be here. With me." He felt his lips pulling into a small smile at that. "I can't undo what's been done but I can make sure that the rest of your life is full and you'll never be left wanting for anything." His lips pressed together and he felt the rest of the room looking at them but all he cared about were the two in front of his own. "But only if that's what you want Quintus."
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Before I go to sleep I leave you all with this piece of advice: sometimes you don't actually have to answer big political questions, sometimes you can just say "I am not smart enough to know that, I just know the small things I do to help." Like you can often times completely avoid making a fool of yourself if you just say you don't know.
#simon says#to explain here and not in a reblog:#sometimes when you try to explain big picture solutions you're gonna sound dumb#you might not have done enough research#you might not have a rebuttal to a counter argument#you might not be articulate enough to explain why you think this#sometimes you gotta take a step back and give the simple solution. the one man solution#you do what you can to fight against the problem#you talk to people to help spread awareness and how to fight the bad problem#and you vote and invite others to vote for bigger steps towards solving the problem#like you can talk about theory and how you believe we need to do a huge drastic thing to solve and issue#but people will disagree and argue til you're blue in the face#they'll poke and prod until you mess up or lose your temper and use it against you#and you'll feel dumb and they'll learn nothing#sometimes the best thing to do is step away from the big picture and just say 'idk what the solution is I just know the things I can do“#sometimes you gotta admit you're not a scientist/expert and you can't answer that#i used this while talking with my Dad tonight#he brought up our climate crisis and space travel as a possible solution#and I said I think that's just addressing the symptom and not the cause and we need to care for our Earth now#and he asked me what solutions I think would fix it#and knowing my incredibly smart Dad who is articulate and ready to throw rebuttles at a moments notice to play devils advocate#and my past experience in struggling in this topic with him before#i just told him I didn't know. all i knew is the little things I can and do do to help#and that hopefully by spreading the word and habits and encouraging others to vote for those bigger solutions I could help make a change#but all I really could do is the little things I have control over#and the topic became much less stressful about the little things we have control over#like planting native plants and recycling and adopting habits that are healthier to our planet#which was 100% more preferable to if I tried to give a big solution. because I would reveal i didn't have all the knowledge needed to argue#and my articulation would make me sound like a stupid kid who only thinks they know what's best#so yeah I basically suggest that if you dont wanna feel like shit after debating someone just step away from the big picture for a moment
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Of my 2% capacity to be attracted to anyone, my type is like 90% women, 5% pretty men and 5% men you would swear are super fucking manly, and never questioned being straight and cis, but are now suddenly *stressed* that they can't figure out why their attraction to me [fully socially interpreted as a woman and labelled that way up until relatively recently] feels incredibly fucking gay
#you are a straight man correct? Yes. Attracted to someone you view as a woman correct? Yes... But you are afraid that makes you gay?#Afraid is a strong word but also stop asking stupid questions#The end result is I tend to date a lot of men who either then realize they are women or bi or gay and I am there when they are taking out#the messiest parts of that on whoever they are with at the time#and on one hand it means I created a space that made them feel safe enough to self examine#but on the other hand I'm their last stop when the fallout hits#OR they just realize they find the expectations put on them for masculinity to be really oppressive even negligent or abusive#I would say I need to adjust my strategy and stop trying to 'woo' men the same way I don't actually -flirt- with women#but I have already solved this problem by refusing to date ever again#The retrospective is funny though#The problem is I am attracted to men in a gay way and to women in a gay way but no one tells you the consequence of that and looking#like a pretty butch is that it really confuses the straight guys#Like why is this guy who's usually hmmm... as dom and masc as you would imagine suddenly in my lap and red and having entire feelings#about the way I am holding his hip? He doesn't knoww either and he's really pressed about it#And that thing messy lesbians do where they act jealous of you and also like they want to fuck you at the same time that looks like a red#flag from hell? Imagine dragging that out of unsuspecting straight guys -menTM-#They don't know why they are acting like that around me either but it's going to go one of two ways#either it will seem overtly threatening and aggressive to everyone involved including themselves or they'll have enough social sense#and tact to be playful about it but still not be sure if they are flirting or whether they like me at all#I have patience for one of those and unfortunately[?] it's the guy who's in my lap looks like he's being tortured and can't find his footin#not the guy telling me how much he's going to beat my ass at some game and I am going to like it or some macho bullshit#And I will be oblivious for the first 50% of it#because if there are gods they are cruel#He never realized he's actually the little spoon be nice and give him a minute#He can't tell me he likes me if he doesn't know he likes me but I opened a jar for him and asked him about his feelings and now he's warm#I actually ended up never dating many women at all because of weird lesbian mixed signals and things#At least not while they were women#I don't flirt or make friends I just decide that people are mine and start taking care of them [while respecting their autonomy and shit]#and I am starting to think this is how I make problems for myself#yes I am playing 5-d chess with gender and am now a he/they but it is not what it is cracked up to be
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once again i am frustrated because i cannot understand this when it is not at all that difficult I wanna understand it so bad please please please
#physics is kicking my ass hnggggggg#idk if this would be any easier if I had taken gen physics before this (like I was supposed to)#or if I would still be struggling#worst part is that there's nowhere I can go and ask for help#I can ask a few friends but usually they're all busy and don't have Time and also none of them live near me so it's all over text#I just don't understand like. How to set it up. And if im interpreting the word problem correctly#I've been trying to do this one problem for like. 30 minutes and I have no idea where to even begin#i am so stressed mann#im trying to watch videos and stuff that explain it but i just cannot concentrate at all today and I don't know whyyy#i am just frustrated at myself. i want to do this my brain just does not fucking wanna cooperate with me#i dunno im just bitching ig. idk wtf to do#worst part is that it's like. You use answer A to solev answer B to solve answer C and so forth#so if u fuck up somewhere then it messes up your entire thing#and like. I don't even know how to set up the fucking problem so#im just annoyed. And stressed. And bitchy#this is my only hmwk problem left and then im done#I wish my brain would work with me for five fucking minutes Jesus christ#doesn't help that I barely understood the first unit so now I'm just clueless on the second one#lilac post
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#random personal stuff#whining ahead feel free to ignore#if I had a nickel for every time someone (usually a particular person close to me whom I love) responded to#my owning up to having negative or difficult emotions about something#by saying something like 'just ask the Lord to take that away' and acting like they've magically solved my problem#I'd have a lot of nickels#and I am frustrated with this#first of all it feels dismissive#it feels like 'I don't want to deal with your Bad Emotions so go get that quickly and easily removed so you can be acceptable again'#instead of addressing the problem it's telling you to slap a spiritual bandaid on it and everything is fine#and secondly I tend to doubt that God works like that#COULD he miraculously make me not feel things? of course#has he ever done that for me though? no not that I've ever noticed#so I would have to conclude that my emotions exist for a reason and I need to learn things by actually facing up to them#and I am trying to learn how to do that#but to be open and honest about my feelings with this person who is close to me only to get the ask-the-Lord-to... brush-off -#I don't know ... it just reminds me of how I've ended up in this mess in the first place and it's frustrating#surely we could apply our faith in other ways besides using it as a veneer for repressing and bottling up emotion
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i cried SO MUCH and i am still crying, but i was in irl house's office today 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺
#jo in the tardis*#i cried before the class and then we had to do this exam on the computers#as a final evaluation or whatever and my account just WOULDN'T work and irl house and my favourite assistant were there with me#trying to fix it and they were both like you are ALWAYS on this account solving everything we know you would know how to log in#and then we managed to do it and when i tried to hand in my answers it just wouldn't accept them#so that's why i was in irl house's office because he was trying to fix it#and he has SO many books there... sooooo many i was just turning around trying to read every title#and i just kept thinking i really really hope i have this someday#and i had to try soooo hard not to cry right there#i've never had this in my life. ever. never ever ever ever. this sense of belonging somewhere entirely#and i think both irl house and my assistant sensed this was my problem today and they were both so kind to me#and she literally said that it doesn't end when the classes end ANY of it i can always come to lectures and ask them things#and that also made me want to cry#i just really love this place and these people and i can't afford to lose it... like i don't know what will i do if i fail this year#and can't come back for the next... i've finally FOUND my place and i can't lose it#like what will i do...
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I don't know if it's rude to ask, so apologies in advance if I sound mean, but… how come you repeatedly bring up old posts of yours from three or more years ago? Do you remember each original post you make and intentionally bring them back? Like, I don't think there's anything wrong, your blog can be whatever you want, obviously, and your stuff is always funny or curious in some way, just… I'm kind of lost as of how it came to be, I guess? I don't think I remember my own posts after 6 months, much least if I have to go back to 2020!
ahaha no it's usually just because i'm going back through a tag looking for something else! i recently went back through my entire "my posts" tag (which contains...1468 posts, dear lord) and while i was doing that saw several posts that i felt like reblogging for whatever reason. so it's usually not that i remember them and go looking for them on purpose, it's that i come across them incidentally in the course of doing something else.
if you want to know why i reblog them after coming across them, 1) usually i don't! you are seeing the tip of the iceberg lol, and 2) it's mostly because it's hard to resist the "sooo true, bestie" urge, even when the bestie is just...yourself.
#sometimes...things that are written by me...are things i agree with#but oftentimes they are not once a few years have passed lol. i mean i just looked at 1468 posts by yours truly#and queued probably 1% of them#oh i also went through my asks tag which was another 500 or so posts#if you want to know why i'm putting myself through this it's for a really ridiculous reason#namely: several nights ago i had insomnia brought on by (get this) being too excited to sleep because my brain wouldn't stop#coming up with crosslinguistic french/english puns#and a couple of them in particular i was like oh god this would be a great tumblr username!#however as i've said before i had no plans to ever change my username (even though i don't like it)#because doing so would break any links that contain my current username#i had resigned myself to just living with this username forever. but once i thought of some usernames i actually like#it became harder to resist the urge to change it...#so now i have this convoluted plan to try to identify and tag as many of the links as i can#so that after i switch names i can go back and fix the links#however i'm not sure how feasible this is. there are a lot of links#and no matter what i do short of going through all 45k posts on this blog i will be bound to miss some of them anyway#(i think getting a domain would solve this problem but i don't wanna get a domain bc i'd have to give wordpress my legal name)#indecisive superhero meme w the buttons 'the need to have punny username' vs. 'the need to be able to find things on my blog'#asks#anon#actually anon probably the majority of the time i rb something i wrote 3 years ago it's bc i forgot about it#i come across it and am like oh yeah! this! and it's like a brand new discovery so i put it back on the dash lol#anyway thanks for your ask! i got a kick out of it 😂
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I am experiencing... frustration.
#monster noises#why must the ideas you can see the clearest in your head be the hardest to capture?#I'm trying to make a new phone lock screen#(currently I'm using the drawing of laz and heis on the motorcycle and while I looove that image it's been there for a few years now)#and I have a very Precise Idea of what I want it to be#in the same style as I did my FaHI playlist cover#but I can't seem to get the thumbnail looking in anyway Correct#and it's really..... frustrating........... and disheartening#then when I try and like actually figure out what I need to Fix it's like my brain blanks out and I"m stumbling around completely clueless#and then I just start uselessly spiraling and just AUGH#why can't I have the kind of brain that hits a barrier and proceeds to problem-solve?#why do I have to have a brain that hits a barrier and just.. rolls over in defeat#not even a tantrum or a breakdown#just#0 resistance laying down and giving up#it's stupid and I'm mad about it but I still don't know what to do about it at all#I wish I could explain it in a way that would allow someone to maybe be able to help me actually#cause it seems every time I try there's always some fundamental misunderstanding about Which Step In The Process Is Challenging#like that one time I tried asking about it on twitter#asking if anyone had resources for How to be better at learning from and interpreting references/doing studies#or just learning for art purposes in general (in a way that won't cause me to Break Down)#and people linked a bunch of how-to's on how to Draw from Reference#and I know those /Sound/ like the same thing but they arrrrren't#and I know those people's heart's were in a good place but I know How to use a reference#I know How to do a life drawing or a study#I get it on a practical level#but there is something fundamental to the process of interpreting and understanding what exactly I'm doing that I just...#Don't Have#and That's really really Really hard to explain#it's like how I'm actually good at math I just can't do word problems because I can't glean what is required of me from a word problem.
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truly how do you writers plot and outline. I sit here like what happens next? Hell if I know. (This is a plea for actual advice if you would be so kind)
#yes my little guys have goals and conflicts and such but. like. what happens next#how DO they solve the mystery? how IS the conflict resolved?#how would I know ?? Asking me to solve problems??#I’m just putting people in situations because I think their reactions to it would be interesting. And then#I can identify character arcs or trajectories for growth but like… what happens materially??#It’s easier when I have an idea of how I want things to end up but like the process of getting there…#the ability of writers to go ‘yes and’ and not get caught up in worldbuilding spirals in endlessly impressive to me#I’m going through old writing and every document is just like thousands of pretty good words abandoned because I simply could NOT#come up with connective tissue between two scenes like how did they get from here to there?#how tf do I know??#(Unable to suspend disbelief for my own writing)#bytebun rambles
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mission failed we’ll get em next time 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
#i literally can’t quit omg i feel so fucking bad. it wasn’t so bad this time but also HE LITERALLY FORCED ME TO COME OUT LKKE GIRL HELLO???#he cornered me and asked me if redacted had to do w my s*duality and i was like ummmmm. yeah 🫣 and he was like now why didn’t you say that#the first time 🤨 and i was like …………. 😳. AND THEN i asked him why he asked me that and he said he’s been waiting for the right moment to ge#it out of me and he always suspected it LIKE HELLO I THINK THAT IS POSSIBLY WILDLY INAPPROPRIATE I WANTED TO DIEEEEEE#and i lied right to his face abt stuff w my mom and also the redacted situation bc i always feel in trouble whenever i talk abt them w him#and also he asked how things were w my mom and i told him and he was like that’s great but how are things with YOU and yoir mom 🤨. UGHHHHH#and i can’t leave bc his supervisor is gravely ill and they haven’t talked abt doing inter generational therapy w me yet which is what they#want to do <- hasn’t looked it up yet and doesn’t know what it receals about me. and he also is like yet agai. trying to get me to separate#myself from data expunged AND ITS LIKE OMGGGG NOTHING IS HAPPENING WHY DO I HAVE TO THROW AWAY A GOOD THING THAT IS WORKING FOR ME JUST FOR#THE SAKE OF CONFORMING TO SOME STUOID MENTAL HEALJT STANDARD. so yeah ummmmm idk what to dooooo i know im not getting the best possible car#and this whole thing has been a cluster fuck but he validated my reaction to something for the first time like EVER today and he has plans#and what if they work. and like omg if i drop it on him he’ll be so hurt and surprised like it will really come out of nowhere and i don’t#want to look like even more of a fool to him than iam. but he says i can’t withhold stuff bc it’s doing me a disservice and we need to see#the fullness of who i am to get to the root and solve problems and stuff but it’s like uhmmmm… but you don’t make me feel safe for reacting#the way i do or wanting things to work out in a way you disagree with so how can i bring out all the parts of me if you don’t make me feel#safe and unjudged for doing so like. lol. the thought of leaving him makes me feel so guilty and stupid bc it s like why are you throwing a#away sliding scale therapy that could turn out to be really useful and running away when ppl tell you things abt yourself you don’t like to#admit and force you to look at your hard ugly truths. but also the thought of working w him until july after already having had 16 weeks of#this literaly makes me fucking insane so idk what to do and finding a new counselor would be so hard and i don’t have time or money. UGHHHH#purrs#delete later#like how am i gonna walk out on him when we just spent all this time talking abt how this new technique will bring me into a new season. AU
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