#how to actually accept help and support the rare times you get offered it

[thetempleofthemasaigoddess]

Friends with benefits to lovers with Sabo

Sabo x reader, past Sabo x Koala.

*****

🎩 You and Sabo have been best friends since childhood, given the fact you both joined the Revolutionary Army as children. Your parents, a couple of high-level operatives, had been killed on a mission, and Dragon decided to take care of you from then on; this is how you meet Sabo, who had just been rescued after running away from home.

🎩 Given the fact you are the only two minors in the whole base at Baltigo island your friendship is almost a foregone conclusion, but it’s actually the losses both of you have sustained, the solitude and longing for what you have lost, that allow you to bond. Sabo no longer remembers he has two brothers, but he feels something important is missing in his life, an emptiness your friendship allows him to fill; you, on your part, devote to him all the love and affection you once held for your parents. You become each other’s safe place, confidant and supporter; even when surrounded by people you soon grow to care for and trust, you immediately look for Sabo when you enter a room, dry his tears with your fingers when he feels sad, and patch his wounds after training; and he does the same for you. You run away from the base to join him on his first mission, violating Dragon’s direct orders; Sabo beats the crap out of any man who touches you without your consent. 

🎩 You have promised to be friends forever, no matter what, and you can’t imagine a reason why that situation could one day change, not even after Sabo remembers his past. You hold him in your arms as he cries for Ace, feeling guilty he didn’t get to say good-bye, and when you accompany him to Dressrosa your friend introduces you to Luffy; you are happy for him, and never fear he could love you less, or even just neglect you, because there is someone else he cares for… 

🎩 … which is why you have absolutely no objection to your friend finding a girlfriend. Koala is a great person: kind, clever, brave and generous, not to mention very pretty, and the two of you become friendly when you find yourselves sharing a room in the base’s dormitories. In fact, when Sabo admits that he had developed feelings for her, you immediately take it upon yourself to arrange a date between the two of them: you take advantage of a rare moment in which none of the three of you have duties to attend to, steal two beers from the kitchen, and invite both Sabo and Koala on the roof, to enjoy the quiet and the starry sky as you share a drink. Both happily accept; you meet them on the roof, give them the beers and simply say “Enjoy your date.” before walking away, leaving a flabbergasted Koala and a blushing Sabo. 

🎩 They are a couple from that day on, and while you are happy for your friend, and to leave him some alone time with his girlfriend rather than being the sort of friend who always insists to tag along, you can’t help wishing you also had someone by your side. Many operatives of the RA find it difficult to pursue a long-term relationship, given that there is little time for romanticism in your way of life, no chance of going on dates or enjoying some privacy in four- or even eight-bed rooms, and the all-present danger and enormous pressure most of you are subjected to. It isn’t unusual for operatives to resort to other types of arrangements: friendships with benefits, occasional hook-ups, no strings attached affairs - anything, to find even just an hour of peace in the arms of someone who cares for you at least a little, and feel you are not completely alone and have reason to fight another day. It isn’t ideal but most of you make do, including you, who have had your first sexual experiences with some of your comrades but, no matter how satisfying and enjoyable those have been, you can’t help wishing for more.

🎩 Sabo always says that you are a great person, and that anyone would be crazy not to want you; he even offers to return the favour and act as your wingman if you ever need one, which you appreciate, but the truth is that there is no one you are particularly interested in, neither in Baltigo nor among the other agents you occasionally meet. You could find someone to sleep with; there are at least a couple people who would be glad to accept your invitation. The matter is, you want more - not simply a lover, but a partner, someone who cares for you beyond the warmth of your body, someone who you know would look for you as soon as he steps in a crowded room, think about you while you are distant, and with whom to hope for a future together, some day there will be no need for the RA anymore.

🎩 (Sabo does and would do all of it, of course. You know he cares for you enormously, worries when you are sent on a mission, and is always ready to welcome you with a big hug when you return; you have also promised to remain friends forever, whatever the future may bring. You can’t deny he is an extremely attractive young man either, slim but strong, with expressive eyes and a nice smile. Yes, you find yourself reflecting more than once, sometimes even as you lie in bed with someone else, Sabo does have everything you look for in a partner, and since you get along so well as friends, you would probably work nicely as a couple; who knows what could happen, had you met in different circumstances…)

🎩 Sabo and Koala have been a couple for roughly eight months, and clearly happy with each other, when Dragon asks her to transfer to another base of the Army, far away from Baltigo, to carry out a year-long mission. She and Sabo -who then tells you everything; beyond the most intimate details, there is little you and your friend don’t share about your relationships- talk about it, and agree that she has to go, since their duty towards the Army, and all the people she will contribute to defend and protect, has to come first… and also that they have to separate. “We knew a long-distance relationship couldn’t work, and since we had decided to be exclusive since the beginning, opening our relationship so that we could find solace in other people while we were distant felt wrong too.” your friend sadly explains that night as you have dinner “So we decided to break up, and one day, when Koala returns from her mission, we’ll talk and, if we both want it, we’ll get back together.”

🎩 You tell him that you’re very sorry for him, and he nods in appreciation, admitting that he has had better moments, but knowing that it was the right decision to make, and that they have parted amicably, is of some comfort. He will miss Koala a lot, but he’s proud of her for having been chosen for this important mission, and knows she’ll do great things; the next year will pass quickly, you try to comfort him, and the more they miss each other, the happier they will be once she returns. Sabo smiles, and later, as you leave the mess hall, he hugs you with his arm around your shoulders, before planting a kiss on your cheek. “Thank God you’re still here, (name).” he says “I really wouldn’t know what to do without you.”

🎩 Koala leaves two days later; you, like her other friends, hug her tight and wish her good luck, while she and Sabo, who have said their goodbyes privately, simply share a smile. 

🎩 You keep an eye on Sabo from then on, to make sure he is fine, eats and sleeps when he should, and that the loss of his girlfriend hasn’t distressed him more than he can handle. Thank God your friend seems to come to terms with his returned singledom relatively quickly; he takes care of himself, keeps busy with training and work, and he assures you that while he still misses Koala very much, and doesn’t feel ready to begin a new relationship, he feels alright and doesn’t regret breaking up with Koala. You make sure to be there for your friend, not wanting him to think you’re pitying him or to suffocate him with your affection -”Come on, (name), I just broke up with a girlfriend; it hurts, but it’s not the end of the world.”- but letting him know, without the need for words as usual between the two of you, that you are there for him, ready to help and support in any way he could need.

🎩 You never stop to reflect on the implications of your promise until one night, soon after the end of a mission, you return to Baltigo to find a particularly despondent Sabo; today is Koala’s birthday, and he misses her more than ever. Determined to take his mind off his ex, you steal more than two beers from the kitchen and invite your friend to drink them together, not on the roof under the stars -it would be indelicate, not to mention counterproductive, since it was there and doing that that he and Koala became a couple- but on the small balcony of your room. You start discussing your recent mission, but as the empty beer cans pile up at your feet, your conversation shifts towards more private matters… specifically, your sex life, or lack thereof.

🎩 “So they were very attractive, right? And they filled me with attention and compliments, which was flattering, and they made it clear that they liked me, so I thought, I haven’t had sex in more than a year and I just survived an attack unscathed, I deserve some fun.” you recount miserably, having already told him of the RA operative, a person you had never met before, you were introduced to at the beginning of your latest mission “And then we did it, and… and it was horrible! They did nothing wrong, I think they actually tried to make me feel good, but… but I felt nothing, nothing at all. I’m so disappointed… Five minutes into it, and I couldn’t wait for it to end. What’s wrong with me, Sabo? I’ve been with people I knew and liked much less, and it was still more pleasurable than this.” Your friend assures you that there’s nothing wrong with you at all, sometimes people are simply incompatible, and while he can sympathise with your plight, he’s probably in an even worse situation… “I’m horny.” Sabo confesses, intoxication evident in the telltale flush on his face “I know she’s been away for less than a month, but Koala and I had sex almost every day, and now… I’m literally bursting. I tried doing it by myself, but it’s not enough, and I have no other choice, since even though we agreed we would be free to see other people there’s no one I am even remotely interested in. I swear, if I don’t have sex soon, and a lot of it, I’m gonna lose my mind.”

🎩 You both reflect on your misfortune for a while, sitting in companionable silence; you have drunk much more than you are used to and you know it, but nonetheless, the idea that suddenly blossoms in your mind feels like the best you’ve ever had, a brilliant solution to both your and your friend’s problem. “You could have it with me.” you suggest. “... what? Have what?” “Sex, of course. Think about it! There is no one we are closer to than each other; this has to count for something, right? I’m sure it’d be great between us, even though we don’t love each other like that. We could simply have fun, keep each other company, and when Koala returns we simply stop and go back to being friends. What’s wrong?” you ask, seeing the hesitation on Sabo’s face “Is the prospect of having sex with me so unbearable? Don’t you think I’m attractive?”

🎩 “Of course I do! (name), I think you are as beautiful on the outside as you are inside, which is saying something. But you know how complicated things can get between people who date or have sex, especially when there isn’t a stable relationship behind it; the last thing I want is there to be tension or misunderstanding between us. I can live without sex, but losing you, or knowing I made you cry? No, that I couldn’t bear it; isn’t it better if things remain like they have always been?” he points out. You understand his point of view, but, you consider, you do share a stable relationship, the longest and most affectionate of your lives, and neither of you would ever do anything to hurt the other; as long as you establish some rules, you can’t imagine a single reason why you you could come to regret this arrangement; if anything, your friendship will come out strengthened, because it will be another experience that you have shared. 

🎩 “You seem so optimistic…” Sabo considers “Is actually you talking, or the beer?”, but you can see in his eyes your proposal has intrigued him, and part of him is tempted to accept. “Let me think about it for a while, alright? And you should too, once you’re sober.” You promise, and you spend a few minutes more enjoying each other’s company before returning in, swaying a bit and holding on to each other to remain upright. When he says goodbye on the door of your room, Sabo’s kiss on your cheek feels warmer than usual.

🎩 Over the next few days, as you reflect on the conversation you and your friend shared -it takes you almost forty-eight hours to sober up, and the headache and the nausea are the worst of your life- you don’t regret offering yourself to him. You still think it’s a good idea, the perfect solution to both Sabo’s sexual frustration and yours, and in any case Koala is going to come back in less than a year, right? You’re ready to bet both she and Sabo will immediately decide to get back together, so you and your friend will simply have fun and share your pleasure until he can once again focus on his girlfriend and you hopefully find someone you really care for. Non-exclusive relationships do entail the risk of the two partners discovering they want different things, but you and Sabo have been friends for so long that it’s impossible for your feelings to change; once he’s back with Koala, you’ll stop sleeping together and your relationship will turn platonic once more, like it was before.  

🎩 There is no risk whatsoever; you are absolutely sure of it.

🎩 A few days pass, during which Sabo makes no mention of your proposal, even though you spend plenty of time together as usual. He has promised to give you his answer soon, so you’re not worried, and in any case, you know he’s thinking about it. It is the way you sometimes notice he’s looking at you, at your body, from across the room, as if he were wondering what you look like under your clothes; the fact he almost chokes, even though he is neither eating nor drinking, one day in the mess hall as he hears you moaning in pleasure for the delicious chocolate cake you have just tasted; the sensation of his hands lingering on your hips for a moment too long when he helps you descend from a step-ladder you had climbed onto to repair a hole in the wall. He is thinking about it, your proposal intrigues and perhaps even tempts him, and no matter how completely platonic your relationship has always been you can’t deny it, you are excited… and you have started looking at your friend differently as well, thinking things you never considered before. 

🎩 And then, terrible news reached Baltigo. Two of your top operatives have been captured by the Marines, and if they are led to confess the RA’s secrets under torture, it will be the end for you all. Dragon tasks Sabo with retrieving them; you beg to be allowed to accompany him, aware of the danger he’s walking into, but your leader refuses. Sabo hugs you tight. “I’ll be back before you know it.” he says, and a moment later he has slipped from your fingers.

🎩 Danger is a natural state of being for RA operatives, and Sabo is probably stronger than anyone else in the organization after Dragon himself, not to mention that if either of you  worried every time the other left for a mission, there wouldn’t be space for anything else in your life. You know he’ll risk his life, yes, but he’ll be happy and even proud to do it, to help your comrades, and because he, like you, is ready to give his life for what he believes in; you try to stay positive, which is easier said than done, hoping that he’ll be able to get away with it, like he has done a million times already. Days pass without any news of your comrades - any of them, including your blond-haired, fire-wielding best friend, until one night, at the end of a long training session, you are lying in bed -coincidentally, the only one occupied among the four in the room, since Koala’s space is yet to be occupied and the other two women are away on a short-term mission- waiting for sleep to claim you when you hear a soft, quick knock on the door.

🎩 “Yes?” “It’s Sabo. Open the door.” 

🎩 You obey, your heartbeat quickening, and you and your friend share a long, silent look, both knowing what the other is thinking and feeling. “Are you alright?” you ask, since given the state he’s in, Sabo must have come to you without stopping in his own room to clean himself or rest. He nods, quietly whispering that the two people he was sent to retrieve are back, exhausted but safe, just like he is, beyond a superficial wound on his arm that he already bandaged; he has already reported to Dragon, who then sent him to bed. 

🎩 You should urge him to obey, since your friend can barely stand and looks like he hasn’t slept in three days, but you don’t, rather you stand back to allow Sabo to enter, and then close the door behind him; he’s been in your room plenty of times, but this is different, tonight is different, and you both feel it without the need for words. “I’m happy you’re back; I missed you very much.” you murmur, feeling shy like you’ve never been with him, and your friend smiles, taking your face in his hand; your gazes meet once more. “Is the offer still valid?” Sabo murmurs -or at least you think he does; the pounding of your heart is almost deafening- and you can feel he’s trembling. “Of course.” you whisper, taking his hands in yours to intertwine your fingers, and then his forehead is resting against yours, only for a moment, before both of you move to allow your mouths to meet.

🎩 Your first kiss is an explosion of fireworks in your chest. It’s messy and awkward and uncoordinated, like two relatively expert dancers who pair up for the first time and struggle to keep up with each other, and there’s too much saliva and Sabo must have recently eaten something very spicy, which you’ve always found unpleasant, but it’s him, it’s you, the two of you together, and this is why it feels like magic, a bit unreal and new but in no way wrong. Quite the opposite really…

🎩 By the time you break the kiss, Sabo is holding you by the hips, the touch gentle but firm, and you’ve wrapped your arms around his neck, your fingers playing with his hair; your gazes meet once more, and you can see he’s blushing. “It was… amazing…” you murmur, and you see a smile of relief blossom on your friend’s mouth. “It was; I couldn’t stop thinking about you, about kissing you, it was driving me crazy… and I know we should stop and talk before we do anything else, but I can’t…” Your finger pressed on his lips silences him. “It’s alright.” you murmur “There will be time to talk; now I just want to feel you.”  

🎩 You share a long kiss while you walk to your bed, and another as you start removing your clothes, still a bit clumsy but more and more enthusiastic as you realise how pleasant what you are doing is, and how the other person seems to appreciate it. You’ve seen Sabo shirtless a thousand times, since that is how he usually trains and you’ve often been required to patch his wounds, but tonight the sight of his naked torso is enough to take your breath away. Soon you’re sitting on the bed together, and “May I?” Sabo asks softly, reaching towards you, and you nod, and he takes care of your underclothes and you of his, and a moment later you’re kissing again, you lying on the bed and him bent over you, as you touch each other. Sabo’s mouth descends from your mouth to your throat and your chest, sweet and shy and worshipful; he murmurs that you’re beautiful and soft and that he wants you like he’s never wanted anyone before, and you know, simply know, that he’s sincere.

🎩 Sex between you is intense, slow but passionate, desire and pleasure made almost uncontrollable by the affection you share. You blush when Sabo holds your breasts in his hands and murmurs they are bigger than he imagined, and you hear him make the most delicious moans when you take him in your mouth, filling your senses with his taste and his smell. You’ve always thought he’s handsome, but you’ve never seen him so breath-takingly beautiful as he is now that he holds you in his arms, murmuring sweet words in your ear as his warm hand caresses your skin. “I want you; Sabo, I need you, I need you so much.” you confess, and you see awe in his eyes when he touches the most intimate part of you and feels how wet you are for him. 

🎩 He’s gentle and careful not to cause you pain as he finally penetrates you, but the realisation that the sounds you’re making express pleasure rather than pain makes him more bold, and soon you’re moving together, his hips pressing against yours, your nails scratching his back, and the world outside the room disappears as you hold on to Sabo and pray this night never ends. You end up having sex two times; Sabo apologises for being too tired to do it a third time and you assure him that you don’t mind, that it was amazing and perfect, and that in any case you have a year to do it as many times as you want, so what’s the hurry?

🎩 Sabo laughs softly, his fingers playing with your hair. “Thank you.” he murmurs, his eyes so full of affection and gratitude it’s almost overwhelming “I am glad we got to share this; it has never been like this before, and I’d have never experienced it if you hadn’t offered.” You assure him that he’s more than welcome, and that you can’t wait to see what this new side of your friendship will lead you to. “Do you want to stay? Please?” you ask; Sabo’s happy smile is the only answer that you need, and what happens next is something neither of you has ever experienced before, with any of their previous partners: you fall asleep together, holding each other, lulled by the sound of your heartbeats.

🎩 The next morning Sabo has to wake up earlier than usual to make sure no one sees him leave your room; now that you’re both well-rested, not remaining together for the previously promised third round is the hardest thing you ever had to do. You share a kiss, quick but loving, and promise to meet later; Sabo leaves after making sure the coast is clear while you remain in bed for a little more, enjoying the warmth of his body still lingering around you. You’ve never felt so happy in your life, and you can’t wait for the two of you to have some time alone again; Koala has been gone for six weeks, which means you and Sabo have roughly ten months and a half to spend together, and you’re determined to make the best use of the time at your disposal.

🎩 That night, after you have both taken part in a meeting with Dragon and other high-level operatives, planning a series of operations for the next six months, you and Sabo take a brief walk outside to talk in peace. You both agree what happened last night was amazing, probably the best sex of your lives, and since you want to do it again -and again, and again, and again- you decide to set a few rules. Number one: either of you can say no, stop, not now, or let’s end it here whenever you want. Number two: protecting your friendship is what matters the most; if you ever feel that what you are doing could make it impossible for your relationship to return to what it was before, you’ll stop. Number three: your relationship will end once Koala and Sabo get back together, or in case you meet someone special before that happens. Number four: no one else has to know what you are doing, since neither of you wants to be the subject of gossip among your comrades. 

🎩 And so it begins. You had heard someone say once that a close friendship is the best foundation on which to build a romantic relationship, and you can confidently say it is the same for a purely sexual one, because being with Sabo is unlike anything you have experienced before. He is, objectively speaking, a very good lover: relentless, generous, inventive, respectful, enough to make you forget any person you have ever been. 

🎩 With so little free time available during the day and the presence of your roommates making it almost impossible to have a space to yourselves during the night, you and Sabo have to get inventive in order to keep your relationship secret, which adds to the fun and excitement of being together. Your favourite meeting places are the pantry, a tiny room where you don’t even have the space to lie on the floor but with the added bonus of a door that can be locked from the inside, and the training room, whose isolated position relative to the dormitories relieves you from having to suffocate your screams in your hand, or against Sabo’s shoulders, to stop the whole base, or the whole of Baltigo island really, from knowing what you are up to.

🎩 You remember Sabo telling you that he and Koala had sex almost every day, and you privately have to admit it’s not only for his sake that you’re determined to at least measure up to that standard, which is not an imposition, since for days, weeks even, you are literally unable to keep your hands off each other. Kisses are stolen, gifted and exchanged in a corridor every time you can spare a minute before the start of your duties for the day; hands linger, only for a moment more, on bare skin at the end of a training session; reunions at the end of a mission become the occasion for a brief, intense rapport consummated on one of your beds, both of you aware that any of your roommates could enter any moment and unable to care. 

🎩 Despite having to share the relatively small spaces of the RA base with so many other people, no one seems to perceive something has changed in your relationship, mainly because your comrades are used to seeing you and Sabo together, and know how close you have always been. People occasionally ask Sabo about Koala, expressing sympathy for the end of their relationship, and an older operative offers to introduce you to an acquaintance of theirs who will stop by the island for a few days; both of you simply smile, thank your friends for their concern, and tell them that you’re fine as you are, while your hands touch under the table or your gazes, knowing and amused, meet across the room. 

🎩 Until last month, until a moment before this crazy, genial idea blossomed in your half-intoxicated mind, you had thought having sex with your best friend since childhood would have felt somehow wrong, impure even, since until then you had considered Sabo the brother you never had; you couldn’t have been more wrong. You had sincerely liked and cared for some of your previous partners, but as you expected he is different, enormously so, and you both know the deep trust and affection between you and Sabo does make sex even more pleasurable, while your new shared intimacy allows you to deepen and expand your previously platonic friendship.

🎩 Like you, Sabo is open to trying more or less everything at least once, so you compensate for the little time you have to spend together making sure every rapport is unforgettable, fun and passionate. You enjoy being pressed on the bed by the warm weight of Sabo’s body, as his lips descend to kiss every inch of your skin; and you feel equal pleasure in being pulled to his lap, your legs circling his hips, as your friend makes you bounce on his cock, his strong -very much so; you knew Sabo was more vigorous than his slim built suggests, what you couldn’t imagine was how titillated would be to have him manhandle you- hands holding you by the hips as he sucks on your breasts. You feel a shiver of pride when Sabo is forced to wear a scarf to cover the hickey you have sucked on his neck, and he can’t help smiling when he’s able to coax a fourth orgasm out of you, a personal record for both, in the course of a single amplexus. Having come into possession of a visual Den Den Mushi, you take a few photographs of your naked body, which you then develop and hide in Sabo’s jacket pocket, on the day he’s meant to depart for a week-long mission; he appreciates the thought very much, makes good use of them, and then shows you, beyond any doubt, that no matter how good the pictures are, nothing compares to the real feeling of your warm skin against his. On your birthday, Sabo gifts you a very skimpy set of lingerie, which you have no idea how he obtained even though it fits you perfectly, with a few strategically-situated slits and holes that allow you to have sex while you’re still dressed.

🎩 You have sex on Dragon’s desk. Twice.

🎩 He calls, and tells, you things you never imagined you would hear. Darling, doll, my beauty, my pretty girl, you dirty girl; these are only some of the terms of endearment Sabo never tires to use while you’re together, some tender, other sexy, and some both things together. He’s never been particularly loquacious, even with the people he cares and trusts, which is why you are pleasantly surprised to discover that while having sex Sabo simply can’t stop talking. “God, you look so beautiful. What pretty sounds you make! Does it feel good, (name)? Does it feel good when I put my cock inside you? Yes, like this, I want to make you moan loud enough for the whole base to hear… Mmh, you’re so wet for me, I know you like it when I do this…” 

🎩 You and Sabo still consider each other your best friend. You spend as much time together as you did before, train together, sit together in the mess hall, talk and joke as usual, without any awkwardness or tension. You know the affection you have held for each other since you were children hasn’t changed, and that while you’ll miss having what is without a doubt the best sex of your life -and how disappointed you are, knowing you only have a few months left to enjoy it!- you know your and Sabo’s friendship will easily return to what it was before, a purely platonic and perfectly satisfying feeling, once he and Koala get back together. 

🎩 At least this is what you keep telling yourself. 

🎩 Once, as you catch your breath together after Sabo fucked you senselessly against the wall of the training room, you ask him what is better, sex with you or with Koala; Sabo looks at you, startled, and at first he doesn’t seem to know how to answer. “Do you really want to know?” he asks you back in the end, and you, already regretting your curiosity and fearing the answer won’t be to your liking, hurry to shake your head in response. You avoid returning on the subject, but later, as you reflect on it at the end of a training session, you decide that yes, you really want to know whether Sabo prefers having sex with you or with his -currently former, soon to be once again- girlfriend. It’s a matter of personal pride, since while you don’t dislike Koala, quite the opposite, what woman would enjoy knowing she is less desirable than another? It shouldn’t matter so much, not when your arrangement is nothing more than that, a pact you and your friend have made to find relief from sexual frustration, but it does, it matters, even though it takes you a while to understand exactly why. 

🎩 Sabo never talks about Koala when you’re together, not even while you’re simply eating sitting face to face, fighting in the training room, or enjoying the cool of the evening on the roof with a single beer to share; out of tactfulness, no doubt, because he doesn’t want you to think he’s still thinking about her, maybe even looking forward to her return. There would be nothing wrong with it, you tell yourself firmly, since you know well how much he loves her, and in any case, feeling jealous of one’s friend with benefits would be absolutely ridiculous. You should stop brooding over it, you decide before finally drifting to sleep, and enjoy your time with Sabo while it lasts. 

🎩 Your good intentions last no more than a few days. You and Sabo have met in the training room once again, and are making love with you sitting on his lap, his lips burning as they kiss every inch of your body they can reach. It’s perfect -it rarely isn’t, when it’s you and him- Sabo is being as sweet and attentive as usual as he murmurs how beautiful you are and how good you’re making him feel, kisses you deeply and, as he always does, makes sure you have come at least twice before finding his relief between your thighs. Pleasantly sore, you hold him against you as you pet his hair and Sabo happily nuzzles against the side of your neck. “You are gorgeous, doll.” he murmurs, and you freeze.

🎩 Doll. This is one of his favourite pet names, which you usually like, even though right now it troubles you. Did he ever call you by your name, tonight?, you start asking yourself, and how often has he done it since you started sleeping together? Does he use those terms of endearment out of affection, or is there another, more hidden, reason? Maybe… that he wants to make sure he doesn’t say the wrong name? Also, you did notice that often he keeps his eyes closed as he comes, or hides his face in the crook of your neck, as if he wanted to avoid looking at you… as if he wanted to maintain the illusion it’s another woman he’s having sex with.

🎩 You are getting anxious over nothing, the more rational part of you knows it well, and your doubts have a perfectly rational explanation, but you can’t think rationally, and suddenly you’re tense, afraid even, in a moment when you normally should feel at your most relaxed, satisfied and happy in the arms of a man who has given you more than anyone else ever could. Broaching the subject now is probably the stupidest thing you could ever do, because it’s sure to upset Sabo and cause a fight between the two of you, but you can’t help it, because you’re afraid, afraid that everything you’ve done together, all the intimacy and pleasure you have shared, never existed, because the woman Sabo wished he had in his arms isn’t you…

🎩 You haven’t uttered a word, brooding over the matter as you played with Sabo’s hair and kissed his cheeks, as usual in moments like this, but he knows you better than you know yourself -even though, it will turn out, not as well as he thinks he knows you- which is why he easily perceives something is troubling you. “What’s wrong?” “Nothing!” “(name), I can feel you are tense. What’s wrong? Wasn’t it good?” You assure him it was more than good, as usual, but you were just wondering, and it’s perfectly alright either way, but… “When we make love…” it’s the first time you call it that “... is it me you think about? Or Koala?”

🎩 As you feared, you see hurt fill Sabo’s eyes; hurt, and disbelief, as he lets his hands fall from your hips. “What? How can you ask me that? Why do you keep thinking about her while we are together?” he asks, and you apologise, because you really shouldn’t have, just like, you privately add, you shouldn’t let the matter upset and sadden you, but it’s already too late for that “After all that is why we’re doing it, right? Because you missed Koala, and needed to… unburden. It’s fine, it’s not like we are… a couple or anything, there’s nothing wrong, I shouldn’t let this affect me… I’m sorry, I don’t know why I’m doing this…”

🎩 Sabo looks at you, half hurt, half worried, and completely incredulous. “Do you really think I could do that? Think about her - think about someone else when I’m with you? (name), what sort of man do you think I am? Haven’t I shown you how much you mean to me?” “Of course you did! But I know how much you care for Koala, and it would be perfectly understandable if you…” “Is this what all of this means to you? Just empty sex? I can’t believe it!” Sabo exclaims; you end up arguing for a while, both angry and secretly guilty, and in the end you part to spend the rest of the day apart. 

🎩 You sleep badly that night, and spend hours staring at the ceiling of your room, calling yourself stupid and childish and cruel; the fact that Sabo wasn’t thinking about another woman while he was with you should make you happy, and it does, but at the same time you’re still worried, and afraid, because no one feels jealous of a friend with benefits, nor has the right to demand loyalty like they would from a partner. You didn’t mean to accuse Sabo of disloyalty, but you have to admit that the thought of Koala, a woman you sincerely like and consider a friend, has become a source of frustration, even of regret, even though you and Sabo would have never mad-had sex if it hadn’t been for the two of them dating.

🎩 You have no reason, and no right, to feel upset, or least of all jealous, that Sabo’s feelings for his ex-girlfriend didn’t suddenly disappear the moment he started sleeping with you; even someone with as little experience in romance as you knows that is not how it works. You know that Sabo still considers you his dearest friend, that he feels pleasure when you’re together, and that he’s not merely using you to forget another woman; but then, you can’t stop asking yourself, why does it hurt so much? Why can some part of you not stop wishing his feelings for Koala changed, and he decided he’d rather remain her friend rather than getting back together once she’s back?

🎩 Because that is what worries - no, what scares you the most; that one day, in a few months, Koala will return, she and Sabo will resume their relationship, and you’ll be relegated to the side once again - a thought that feels unbearable, even though Sabo never neglected you after he and his girlfriend started dating. The three of you had naturally found a balance, friendship and romance each having its own space without jealousy or recrimination, and there’s no reason to think you could not go back to it once Koala will have returned. It’s just… that you don’t want to. Sabo’s friendship is the most important thing in your life, something you’d defend with your life if needed, but knowing that he’ll be doing with someone else what you are now sharing… this breaks your heart. And for all of this, for this mess that has led you to fight with Sabo for the first time since you were twelve, you have only yourself to blame.

🎩 The next morning you look for Sabo in the mess hall, but you’re told that he came earlier than usual, ate quickly and left, without waiting for you as you usually do. If he thinks he can avoid you Sabo clearly doesn’t know you as well as you thought he did, and a few hours later, having made sure he’s not busy with something important, you corner him and insist you have to talk, which your friend agrees with a sigh. You both apologise for what you said yesterday; Sabo assures you that while you did start having sex because neither of you could find a more desirable partner -”Neither of us, remember? you were as frustrated as I was.”- he could never think about someone else, not even his ex-girlfriend, while he’s with you, because what you share is too precious and special, and he feels pleasure because you are the one giving it to him. 

🎩 While reassured, you still think the situation is different, because you didn’t have a partner Sabo might be jealous of, but while your friend suggests you conclude your arrangement, because as you had agreed when deciding on your rules not even the best sex in the world is worth the two of you fighting and he’d gladly remain celibate for the next decade rather than cause you pain, you hurry to reassure him you are fine, it was stupid of you to worry and you’d happily go on like you have done until now. You manage to reassure Sabo, who kisses you deeply and proposes to meet tonight, and you enthusiastically accept, joy and relief filling your heart.

🎩 You haven’t told Sabo what led you to suspect he was thinking about Koala while he was with you, but you do notice that from then on, he does start looking you deeply in the eyes as he comes, and using your name as well as the various pet-names. Maybe he always did and fear and anxiety simply forbade you from thinking clearly, maybe your friend is actively trying to reassure you; whatever the reason you are happier and more grateful than ever that you get to live this, with him, and that night in the training room, you hold on to Sabo’s warm and solid body for dear life, determined to enjoy every second of your time together as if it were the last of your life. 

🎩 Weeks pass, and things are going great between you and Sabo. A while ago a few new operatives have joined your base, among which a very attractive man named Tomo you quickly become friendly with; even Sabo approves of him, even though, he says, “I’m pretty sure he’s into you.” You disagree, pointing out that Tomo has never expressed any interest in you, but you are forced to admit you were wrong when, only a few days later, while the two of you are leaving the mess hall together, Tomo cups your face in his hands and kisses you deeply. It’s a very nice first kiss, the right balance between gentle and passionate, and it leaves you pleasantly dizzy, but you are too shocked to enjoy it properly, not to mention you feel vaguely guilty. Tomo apologises for having caught you off guard, admits he’s more than a little interested in you, and proposes that you spend some time together. “You don’t have anyone at the moment, do you?” he asks, and you find yourself hesitating for a moment before shaking your head in response, and ask for a bit of time to think about it.

🎩 You do what you have always done in times of doubt: you talk to Sabo asking for his opinion and advice. Your friend doesn’t seem particularly happy to discover he was right about Tomo’s interest in you. “What do you want to do?” he asks, and you, while vaguely nervous about the risk of causing another quarrel, answer truthfully, telling him that you do like Tomo, and would be happy to spend some time in his company, but given the fact you have been sleeping together for months now, you thought it necessary to ask for his opinion, in order not to create tension between you. “I mean.” you stammer, praying that the blush you feel creeping up your cheeks is hidden by the soft lights in the room “I know we are not… a couple or anything, and that we agreed I would be free to see someone else if I found a person I cared for, but I thought… we never talked about being exclusive, so…”

🎩 The few seconds Sabo takes to answer are the longest in your life; you warn yourself not to get your hopes up, because while you did the right thing sharing Tomo’s offer with him, Sabo knows he has no right to be jealous of you, and would most likely not be so in the first place; why should he? You are not dating, and while even a purely sexual relationship can be exclusive, he had to expect you’d get interested in someone else sooner or later. 

🎩 Part of you still wishes he were; that he was jealous of you, at least a little bit. It’s childish, and unfair, and even cruel, to wish someone you love to suffer because of you, but you can’t help it, because no matter how happy and flattered you are that someone else has expressed an interest in you, and well aware of the relative non-binding nature of your and Sabo’s relationship, you do wish the thought of you and another person together caused him some distress, because that would mean that he cares…

🎩 “I have nothing against it. Thank you for telling me, (name), but it’s perfectly fine if you spend time with Tomo. Do you want me to step aside while you see him? It’s fine by me either way.” Sabo says, which is more or less the reaction you had to expect, and the exact opposite of what you wished for; disappointed, and even a tiny bit heartbroken, you force yourself to smile and thank your friend for his advice.  

🎩 You are not particularly enthusiastic about the prospect of meeting your new suitor, but Tomo, to his credit, does manage to make you smile again. You meet that night outside, and he has prepared a small picnic for the two of you: a blanket, a bottle of saké and some snacks he has prepared personally, all of it to create a pleasant, romantic atmosphere for the two of you. No one has ever done anything like this for you, and it really warms your heart; you spend some time eating, and drinking, and talking about yourself, the past that has led you to join the RA, and your dreams and aspirations for the future. Tomo is funny, clever and kind as well as handsome; this time you’re the one to take the initiative and kiss him, and a couple minutes later the remains of your picnic have been pushed aside to make space on the blanket for your clasped bodies.

🎩 It feels nice; very nice, in fact, and you’re happy, and excited, when you and Tomo start undressing each other, and he’s sweet and attentive and passionate, and soon you’re having sex, him holding you close as he moves above and inside you, his kisses swallowing your moans of pleasure. The whole experience is more than pleasurable, both the sex itself and the time before that, that the two of you spent getting to know each other better. You do like Tomo, and would gladly see him again - in fact, you’d be ready to ask him yourself, if not for a small but crucial detail…

🎩 … that you did what you only recently accused Sabo of doing: you had sex with a person, thinking about someone else. 

🎩 The conversation you are forced to have with Tomo is the hardest of your life, and it fills you with shame, because the poor guy had perceived you have enjoyed his company, and felt confident you would accept to see him again; even worse, you’re not even able to tell him the reason for your refusal, vaguely stammering something about not feeling ready and having a past lover who you can’t forget. You part amicably, all things considered, but Tomo is clearly deeply saddened by your refusal, which fills you with guilt. 

🎩 Your first instinct as you return inside is to look for Sabo, but once you reach the door of his room you stop, suddenly aware of your own foolishness. Given the hour your friend is most likely sleeping, and no matter how close the two of you are it’s unlikely he would appreciate being woken up to listen to your plights, especially since you would never dare to tell him the real reason why you decided not to see Tomo again. No, it’s better if you go to bed, sleep on it, and then simply tell Sabo you decided you and your suitor are not compatible…

🎩 “(name)? What are you doing here at this time? Is everything alright?” Sabo asks, seeing you in front of his room on his way back from the bathroom; then he sees your face, and immediately gets alarmed. “What happened? Is it Tomo? Did he do something to you? I swear I’ll kill him!” he says, holding your shoulders in his hands, and you shake your head; his anger warms your heart, but at the same time you barely have the strength to meet his eyes, irrationally afraid that he might perceive what you did, and that it was his face, his smile and the way he has to say your name, that you thought about as you had sex with another man. He would not get mad, nor would he accuse you of hypocrisy, even though he’d have reason to; Sabo is above such vileness, but you can’t tell him, because you dare not think about how he would react…

🎩 “I’m fine, don’t worry, and Tomo has no fault. We… we did have sex, and he was fantastic, he was so sweet, but… but I don’t think I’ll see him again; in fact, I told him already I plan not to.” Sabo sighs - with what you perceive as exasperation, which is something relief can be easily mistaken for. “I see.” “It makes no sense, I know; but I couldn’t do otherwise, and now I feel so stupid…” You sigh. “I’m sorry, I know you want to go back to bed, but… could you hug me? Just for a moment?”

🎩 He obliges, naturally, and as usual, the warmth and safety of Sabo’s embrace is enough to drown all your pain and shame; you cling to his arms as his fingers run gently through your hair, and wish you could spend the rest of your life like this. 

🎩 Two days later, you and Sabo are eating in the mess hall. “I was thinking, and you’re free to say no…” your friend begins, his tone low to keep your conversation private, his eyes trained on his plate “Our… thing. I know we decided we would stop when she returns or you meet someone else, but would you be alright with being exclusive while it lasts?” “Yes, alright.” “It’s fine if you want to think about… What?” “I said it’s fine, Sabo.” you confirm with a smile, joy bubbling in your heart “To be honest, I wanted to ask you the same. Will you pass the water, please?”

🎩 You have always had the bad habit of making things more difficult than they are; but sometimes, things are easy, and one only needs the courage to see it. 

🎩 Time passes; beyond the occasional quarrel or misunderstanding your relationship is going great, both on the side of friendship, which is more solid than ever, and the one that concerns the benefits. Sex with Sabo really is the best of your life, to the point that you know you’ll miss it terribly. Part of you even fantasizes about asking Koala’s permission to keep sleeping with Sabo while the two of them date; she would no doubt find it unacceptable, and he would as well, no matter how pleasant your arrangement has been. 

🎩 Still, you dearly wish you didn’t have to give up on it; less than two months remain until Koala is due to return from her mission, and you find yourself counting the days with the anxiety of a student who is not ready to take a quickly approaching exam. You are confident that your friendship with Sabo will return to what it was before, and you feel grateful and blessed for it, but if you think about him and Koala together once again, enjoying the sort of affection he now shares with you… it’s unbearable. You have no right to complain, since all of this was your idea and Sabo did warn you either of you might end up suffering for it, and you don’t mean to. You don’t regret any of it, not a single moment of what you and your friend have shared in these months, and that is exactly why you wish it didn’t have to end.

🎩 It’s not just the great sex you dread having to give up; it would be much easier if that were the case. The truth is, sharing your body with Sabo has opened your relationship to an intimacy and level of emotion you had never experienced before. It’s something precious, special, delicate but addictive, that you doubt you could experience again with another person… while Sabo certainly will, and maybe he already has, with Koala, and it’s this -the thought of losing him and suffering for it, potentially for the rest of your life, while he quickly finds a more than worthy replacement- that makes it so hard to accept the fact that your arrangement with Sabo is soon coming to an end. 

🎩 This time Sabo doesn’t seem to realise you are worried and upset, which is a relief since you have already given him enough troubles to last for a lifetime, and you did agree to keep the truth about your new relationship secret, but you do need to confide in someone and ask for advice; fortunately, the wisest, kindest person you have ever met has recently come to Baltigo from her own island for a meeting with Dragon and the other RA commanders, and is happy to find a moment to talk to you. 

🎩 You and Ivankov have long been close; in fact, it was him who took care of you in the immediate aftermath of your parents’ death, making sure you were fed, comforted, and kept safe. You trust him more than anyone else besides Sabo, and he’s the only person you could ask for advice. You meet in the mess hall late at night, once most of your comrades have gone to bed, and Iva listens to your story intently; you tell him everything, even the most personal and embarrassing details, and admit that the problem doesn’t really exist, since you can’t stop Koala from returning home at the end of her mission nor would you ever ask Sabo not to pursue a relationship with her once again. “It’s just that I feel terrible, Iva, and I don’t know why.” you admit miserably, almost slumped over the table “I don’t want to lose what Sabo and I have now, but I have no other choice, do I? I’ll always be happy with being his friend, but I’m afraid I will regret losing him for the rest of my life. I really don’t know what is happening to me…” 

🎩 Iva sighs, looking at you with eyes full of compassion. “I think what you’re feeling is very clear, (name)-girl.” he says gently “I think you’ve fallen in love with Sabo-boy.” “WHAT?!” you exclaim, stunned, and Iva points out that would explain everything: your relationship with Sabo was already incredibly close to begin with, and the pleasure and intimacy you have shared in the last months have changed your feelings from pure, platonic friendship to something different. “That’s why the thought of seeing him and Koala-girl together hurts so much; because you’d want to be in her place, and know Sabo loves you back; and loving someone whose affection is directed towards someone else is a pain I would not wish on my worst enemy, no matter how close you and Sabo could go back to be as friends.”

🎩 Love. Is this what you feel? Part of you can’t believe it; you’ve thought Sabo is handsome for half your life without doubting your feelings were different from pure friendship, and you’re not naive and romantic to the point of thinking good, even exceptional sex, can make a person fall in love with another. You’re not in love with Sabo, for God’s sake! It’s just that something beautiful and special has developed between the two of you and you don’t want to lose it, no matter how equally precious your friendship was to begin with! And yes, you can’t deny you occasionally fantasise about being in Koala’s stead, and about a relationship that hadn’t been born with an expiration date, and hearing him propose you become exclusive made you happy, because it meant that he did care about you, beyond friendship, beyond pleasure and convenience, that he wanted to be with you because of you…

🎩 Crap. You are in love with him!

🎩 “There, there, it’s alright.” Iva gently soothes you, patting your back “Just breathe, (name)-girl. It’s not the end of the world, even if it looks like it.” It really does. “It’s over, Iva; what do I do?” you miserably ask your friend “He doesn’t love me, and he never will.” “You don’t know it.” “Of course I do; he loves Koala, and he’s been waiting for her for almost a year. I know he cares for me, we are best friends, and we’ve had some great sex for months, but what we share is just relief because she was away and I couldn’t find anyone. The moment Koala returns, Sabo will want her and no one else.” Iva, who has already met Sabo after his arrival in Baltigo, looks at you skeptically, and then suggests you discuss the matter with Sabo himself. 

🎩 “Why should I? It would serve only to create awkwardness between us, and I know Sabo enough to know he’ll probably try to distance himself from me in order to spare me pain, and so I’ll lose his friendship as well.” you point out “I don’t want that, nor do I want to spend the rest of my life hoping he and Koala break up so that I can… step forward. I need to keep this thing for myself, and be happy for what we had, and the friendship we still share; please, Iva, promise me you won’t tell him anything.” Your friend promises, clearly unconvinced of the justness of your decision, and asks you to call him, or write, whenever you feel the need to talk. You promise, and the two of you share a hug.

🎩 You remember the exact date of Koala’s departure, and soon its first anniversary is exactly four days away. “I bet you are counting the hours.” you comment one night as you and Sabo lie together in your bed, courtesy of the absence of your two roommates, both of whom have volunteered for a mission and won’t be back before tomorrow. You are curled up against his side, your hand playing with the soft hair of his chest, his legs intertwined with yours. Sabo, who despite his more than considerable stamina is completely out of breath -something you can’t help being proud of!- blinks, as if he had no idea what you’re talking about. “Sorry?” “About Koala’s return! It’s soon, isn’t it? Have you been told the exact day? We should organise a little celebration for her.”

🎩 And you really want to, because you do like Koala, and you don’t want to ruin what has until now been a good friendship; seeing her and Sabo together will break your heart, but at least you know he’s happy with his girlfriend. You’re determined to be positive, and be content with what you have. “Sabo? I said…” “Yeah, I heard you; it’s a good idea, but I don’t know when she’ll return exactly.” “Shouldn’t you ask Dragon?” “I will.” He doesn’t seem particularly enthusiastic, you think, rather his expression betrays tension, even guilt, to the point he can barely meet your eyes. But why? Does he fear his girlfriend will disapprove of the two of you sleeping together while she was away? It makes no sense, since the two of them had broken up and agreed they would be free to see other people. What then? Well, a year is a long time to spend apart when a couple has been together for less than that; maybe Sabo fears he and Koala won’t be able to simply pick up where they left off. What - oh God, what if Koala has met someone else? What if they decide not to…?

🎩 Stop. Don’t get your hopes up, (name); the higher you try to fly, the harder your fall will be, you tell yourself; it’s something your mother used to say. “Is everything alright? You know that whatever worries you, whatever you fear, you can tell me.” you murmur, taking Sabo’s face in your hands to force him to meet your eyes, and he nods, his eyes full of emotion. He doesn’t speak, but he takes advantage of the proximity to kiss you, hard, and you spend the rest of the night making love as if this were the last of your lives; you hold Sabo in your arms, not demanding to know what worries him, but making sure he understands that whatever he’s going through, he doesn’t have to face it alone.

🎩 You do love him. The feeling has been growing slowly inside you, and maybe you would have never realised it if not with Iva’s help, but now you know it’s true, and whatever happens you don’t regret having fallen for him, or having pursued a sexual relationship with him and then having to stop. You know Sabo will forever want to be your friend, and this is enough. You just want to be with him; nothing else matters. 

🎩 The next day you meet Dragon outside the mess hall, and ask him if he knows when Koala will be back, explaining that you’d like to organise a celebration for her return, and your leader looks at you strangely. “Koala has decided to remain at her current base indefinitely; she has been doing a great job, and the commander has asked her to stay.” he explains “I told Sabo almost a month ago, I thought he would have informed you.”

🎩 He hasn’t. 

🎩 You make sure not to meet Sabo for the rest of the day, including your now daily sessions in the training room late at night; you don't want him to worry, but the truth is you really need a little time to reflect on the recent revelation. Koala will not be returning to Baltigo, and Sabo knew already; he has avoided telling you for a whole month, and while you think you can understand why, you’re not sure whether what you’re thinking is rational reasoning or simple wishful thinking, and this scares you. You might ask for Iva’s advice, or simply remain silent and wait for Sabo to decide what to do; or you could act, speak up and tackle the matter directly. You could be sincere, like you and your friend have always promised to be with each other, and tell him exactly what you feel and think. 

🎩 Which is why in the afternoon you go to him and tell him that you have arranged for someone else to cover his duty for the rest of the day; Sabo blinks, nonplussed. “Why would you do something like that?” “Because we need to talk, Sabo, and I think you know about what; come on, we need to leave before Dragon sees us and finds something else for us to do.” Your friend follows you, his expression an odd mix of resignation and relief; you find a quiet corner to talk outside. “You know, right?” “If you’re talking about Koala deciding not to return, I do. Sabo… why didn’t you tell me? For a whole month?” you ask, and your friend sighs, taking your hands in his. “Do you really not know?” he asks quietly, and you, suddenly unsure, admit that you have your suspicions, but it feels presumptuous to even just hope they are true. 

🎩 “I thought… that it had to do with me; with us. That since we had agreed we’d continue to sleep together until Koala returned, the fact that she plans not to do so could mean that we can go on doing it indefinitely, should we both want it.” you explain, suddenly fearing you did get your hopes up for nothing; after all the fact that Sabo preferred not to lose his friend with benefits doesn’t necessarily mean he shares your feelings “You could have told me; you know I enjoy our time together, it… it wouldn’t have been an imposition.”

🎩 Sabo admits he was wrong to keep the truth from you… and that the possibility of you deciding to stop sleeping with him was only half the reason why he did it. “It’s just… well, I have cared for Koala very much, I missed her a lot and I’m still incredibly fond of her; but I have come to the conclusion that what I felt for her wasn’t love. I got to speak to her over the Den Den Mushi a month ago, and we agreed it was better for us to break up. She’s fine, I actually think she has met someone else; I don’t regret dating her, at all, but remaining together would have only made both miserable.” You nod, understanding his reasoning, determined to express what you feel but not knowing how. “I think you both did the right thing, and I would have never come between you, but I have to confess… recently I have found myself feeling jealous of Koala; of her… role in your life. You know how important our friendship is for me, and how great sex is between us, but… but I can’t help wanting something different; not something more, I would be more than happy either way, and I know you might never see me as anything other than a friend, but…” 

🎩 You stammer, not knowing how to conclude, but Sabo wordlessly opens his arms towards you, and a moment later you are embracing; he kisses your forehead. “You know I said I had realised what I felt for Koala wasn’t love? It was thanks to you that I understood that.” he murmurs “And I still want to be your friend, and to sleep with you; but knowing that we belong to each other would really be the best thing ever.”

🎩 No other words are necessary; you and Sabo hug each other tight, he kisses your tears, murmuring words in your ears you never dared to think you would one day get to hear, and you tell him how happy you are, happy to have him in your life, and to know that once again, you have chosen each other.

[sincerity--extreme]

*Googles how to stop feeling guilty for needing help and support*

[cosmicbucky]

daisies and dances lead to heartfelt romances

summary: you offer to take bucky out a few times so he can practice what it's like to date in the modern world. unbeknownst to each other, both your offer and his acceptance have an ulterior motive

pairing: bucky barnes x female reader

word count: 3845

part: one

warnings: minor swearing, fluff, tony is a dick with a hidden agenda, some angst, soft/shy/grumpy bucky, pet names/nicknames, unknown but mutual pining, oblivious idiots in love, sad bucky, mentions of bucky's struggles

a/n: this is planned to be at least two parts, maybe three.

big thank you to @buckys-wintersoldier for encouraging and supporting me with this!!

《《《《 ♡ 》》》》

The compound was quiet, softly lit to guide your way to the kitchen. It was late in the night, but not too late that everyone was asleep. Your socked feet were silent on the cold floor, and as you made your way to the fridge you heard laughter coming from the main entertainment room. You smiled to yourself as you went to grab a bottle of juice, focusing in on the conversation being held.

"Come on man! You can't be serious," you heard Sam say, laughter clear in his voice.

"Just drop it, Sam," Bucky replied, warning clear in his voice.

The smile slipped from your face as you closed the fridge with a sigh. You knew that tone. It wasn't Bucky's patented 'my god these people are so annoying' tone. It was his 'the next person who says something is getting thrown into a wall' tone. Which meant he was actually upset over whatever the conversation was about. It was rare for him to really get worked up beyond his usual moody demeanor, and you couldn't help the worry that surged through you.

"Oh, no. No, no this is way too good to drop, Barnes," Tony chimed in with a laugh. You could just picture the smirk on his face, and your feet moved quickly to carry yourself towards the conversation.

Bucky noticed you approach from where he sat, and he sent you a pleading look. Please help me, his eyes screamed.

"Don't tell me you guys are picking on Bucky again," you said, trying to sound casual as you leaned against the wall.

"You mean grumpy mcgee over here? You bet your ass we are," Tony replied happily.

You sighed, rolling your eyes at him. "Why now?"

"This dude can't date to save his life!" Sam spoke up, overly amused about it.

Bucky sank further into the couch, crossing his arms over his chest as he zoned out to somewhere far away, and you felt a pang in your heart at the sight- how can such a large man manage to look so small; so defeated?

"You guys are roasting him because he hasn't been on a date yet?" you asked, your annoyance about it clear in your voice.

It may be a little strange, but you had always felt protective over Bucky. The team often ganged up on him, and besides Steve, you were his closest friend - the two of you took a little while to warm up to each other, but once the ice thawed the two of you were rarely seen without the other. Now, it's not to say you never joined in on teasing him - because you did, quite often - but you knew when to stop. Perhaps it was because he would open up to you about some of the things he felt insecure about during your moonlit talks, the two of you tucked safely under blankets or hidden away somewhere in the compound as you spoke what neither of you could say in the light of day. Or, maybe it was because you just knew him well enough to know whether a topic would upset him or not. Whatever the reason may be for it, you always knew what was okay to say and what wasn't. Bucky would never be able to say how much he appreciated you for that.

"Tinman's been on dates, didn't you know?" Tony asked, grinning at you mischievously. "He just blew them all."

You tried not to let the hurt show on your face. He's been on dates? God, of course he has, look at him.

"Okay, and? You've never had bad dates before?" you asked, letting the anger start to shine through. "Just leave him alone."

Tony rolled his eyes. "Awe, look at that. Mommy dearest to the rescue once again, huh, Barnes?"

You stood up straight as rage surged through you, opening your mouth to tell him where to go. Before you could, Bucky's voice rang out: "Watch your fucking mouth, Stark. Or I'll shut you up myself," he warned, voice eerily calm as he glared at Tony.

Bucky was never really one to speak up when others came at him, more or less just taking it with an eye roll, clenched jaw, or tight smile as they all had their fun. However, once the comments turned towards you, as they always seemed to if you were around (and let's be honest, how often were you not around?), he was quick on his feet to stop them in their tracks, making the room feel so tense that no one else said anything for fear the air around them would actually suffocate them if they opened their mouth.

"Here we go again," you heard Sam mutter to himself. "Alright, I'm out of here. See you guys later," he added, walking out of the room with his hands up in a display of surrender.

He gave you a knowing look as he walked out, ignoring your questioning gaze and instead giving you a loving pat on the shoulder as he passed by. With him now out of sight, you turn your attention back to Tony, waiting for what was to come next.

"Look, all I'm saying-" Tony started, waving his glass around emphatically - amber liquid on the verge of splashing everywhere.

"No one cares what you're saying, Tony," you interrupted, already exasperated from the interaction.

He held up his hand, pointing a finger at you. "Come on, princess. You really gonna take away my fun? Under my own roof?"

"Yes, I am. Can't you take a day off from being a complete dick to him? Just once? We've all seen this show before, Tony, and it always ends the same way," you said, walking further into the room to snatch the glass from his hand, glaring at him as you did so. "And don't call me princess," you seethed, slamming the glass down on the side table behind you.

You didn't want to hate Tony, in all honesty you truly did love him. At the end of the day he was your family, and family wasn't perfect. However, you couldn't keep down the small bubbles of hatred that boiled inside you whenever he started to target Bucky. You didn't see him as family when he waved his disdain for the soldier around like a kite in the wind; you just saw him as a rich douchebag picking on someone beneath him. You hated the way he treated Bucky, and you absolutely loathed the way he made Bucky's voice tremble ever so slightly with self doubt when he lays in your arms in the dead of night, recounting the things Tony said to him that keep him awake, that make old wounds reopen. You loved Tony, but his hatred for Bucky also made you hate him.

"No? Do you only like it when RoboCop calls you that?" Tony asked calmly, a malicious glint shining in his eyes, his smirk growing wider when he saw your expression. 

You felt the blood rush to your face, recounting a few of the times that the name had slipped through Bucky's lips; though it was from the haze of sleep and moments of vulnerability, there were few memories you cherished more. "Go to sleep now, princess. I'll be here when you wake up." "Thank you for staying with me, princess." "You're safe now, princess." 

"Yeah, I hear a lot of things around here that I probably shouldn't. Now, why don't you lighten up and let me say my piece, princess?" Tony continued with a grin, and it took everything in you to not smack it off his face.

"I'm gonna fucking kill you," Bucky suddenly spat, making you jump slightly - he had fallen so silent you half forgot he was even there. The menace that dripped from his words sent a chill down your spine, and you sent one last glare at Tony before you glanced over your shoulder.

One look over at Bucky as he jumped from the couch told you he had never been more serious. His jaw was tight as his lips pressed together in a fine line, his fists clenched so tightly that the mechanisms in his left arm started to whir and the veins in his right arm shone prominently, his whole body tense as his chest heaved. He took two quick steps forward, but the second you raised your hand to his chest he stopped.

"Buck, it's alright," you said calmly. You knew it wasn't - you were angry, hurt, embarrassed, and a million other things; but you couldn't let Bucky in on that. You had to brush it all off so you could be the calm that Bucky needed in order to tame the never ending storm raging furiously inside him.

Bucky looked down at you with narrowed eyes, as if he didn't understand a word you said. "I'm supposed to just let him talk to you like that?"

If it weren't for the seriousness of the moment, you would have blushed from his words. Instead, you huffed and lightly shoved him away. "Yes, because you're feeding into exactly what he wants, Bucky. You know all he wants is to mess with you."

"Not true," Tony chimed in from behind you. "I want lots of things, pumpkin. In fact, one of those things is Pepper, so I'll be going now. And hey, when you and soldier boy here finally get married, just remember - I'm ordained."

You spared a glance in his direction just in time to see his shit-eating grin before he turned and sauntered happily out of the room.

"Can you two ever give me a fucking break?" you scolded, crossing your arms over your chest.

"Aw don't you start now, too," Bucky whined, tossing his head back slightly as he sighed, making his way back to the couch.

You sighed as well, following in his wake to plop down beside him. You didn't need to say anything, he took one look at you and knew the question that was already dancing on your tongue: what was it about this time?

"Look, it doesn't matter," he huffed out, slumping his shoulders as he looked down at his hands resting on his lap, wringing his fingers together. 

“Come on, when have I ever let it go that easily?” you asked, nudging his shoulder. 

He let out a humourless chuckle, the corners of his mouth flicking upwards for the briefest of moments as the memories of the countless times you two have been in this situation flashed through his mind. 

You could see the turmoil on his face, and you knew he was trying to find a way to express what was going on, so you sat patiently and waited for him to find the proper words. 

“I don’t know what the hell I’m doing,” he finally settled on, the words coming out in a rushed breath. 

Before you could question him, he carried on with a frown, his brows knit together. “It was so much easier back then, you know? Flash a smile, go to the fair, wear the uniform, whatever. I never had to think about it, but now there’s- there’s just so much…. so much expectation. You bring flowers and you care too much, you don’t bring flowers and you don’t care enough. I-it’s like everything that I do, I should have done the opposite. I can’t get anything right.”

You sat in silence for a moment, his words bouncing around in your head. Each syllable he spoke fractured your heart until it was shattered into bits; but all you cared about as you looked at the broken man in front of you was putting him back together, hoping that your words and your comfort and your care would be enough to put together the delicate pieces of him - the pieces that broke off every time he doubted himself, every time he remembered his past, every time he did something wrong on a mission - the pieces that you picked up and kept safe inside of yourself until you had the chance to give them back to him, gluing them on with whispers of affirmation and promises that everything would be okay in time.

“You never mentioned any of this before,” you said tentatively, the unspoken words why did you keep this from me? hanging in the air. “Is this what they were teasing you about? Your struggle to figure out how to date again?”

He let out a huff of air as he slung his head back to rest against the back of the couch, shaking it lightly as he stared up at the ceiling, his jaw flexing with contemplation. “I didn’t want it to be a big deal, but then Jackass 1 and Jackass 2 found out and ran with it.”

“Okay, well.. walk me through it. Is there someone you want to take out on a date right now? Maybe I can give you some ideas,” you offered softly, the words tasting bitter in your mouth as you spoke them. 

He groaned, running his hands over his face before smacking them back down on his legs, his palms dragging across the fabric covering his thighs for a few seconds; a habit, you noticed, that he often did when he was nervous or uncomfortable. “No,” he said flatly, biting down on his tongue to keep the words yes, my delicate little flower, I want to take you out on a date from tumbling out of his mouth. 

“No?” you echoed, surprised by the response. 

He nodded his head in confirmation. “No,” he repeated, looking at you. Taking in your expression, he carried on. “Like, no there isn’t anyone. I don’t- I didn’t even want to go on those dates, but… I couldn’t- I mean, I kinda just…. felt like I needed to."

There was so much he left unsaid at this moment. So much he wanted to say, needed to say - not only just to get it off his chest, but because he believed that you deserved to know. Every time he looked at you he had the burning desire to bare his soul to you, to tell you all the things he kept buried away in the deep recesses of his mind, locked away in a vault only you could open. He wanted to tell you that he still feels so out of place, that most days when he was out in this new world he suddenly resembled a child who was lost amongst a crowd of scary and unfamiliar things - desperately searching for something he recognized that he could cling to. He wanted to tell you that you were the familiar thing he found to cling to, that he carried you in his head and in his heart every time he was out; that when things got too overwhelming he closed his eyes and recalled the encouraging words you always told him, that when that wasn't enough he called you with some lame excuse just so he could ground himself with your voice - "Hey, doll. What was the name of that bakery you took me to the other week? I'm thinking of getting more of those cookies we liked." He had saved the bakery's location to his phone (something he knew how to do thanks to you) the second he saw how your eyes sparkled when you got there, just to make sure he could always find it and pick things up for you. "Hey, so, I just got yelled at because I walked by and ruined someone's… what the fuck was it? It has to do with a clock or something? Does that sound like something you know? Please tell me what the hell that is because I feel like I'm going insane." He knew what it was. He had downloaded the app after he witnessed how much it made you laugh, and he had an endless amount of saved videos that he thought you would like, but for some reason wasn't brave enough to show you. "Okay, I’m out shopping - and don't laugh because this is a serious question - do you think I would look good in pink?" He vividly remembered your words from a few months ago, when he was burritoed in your fuzzy pink blanket during movie night, and you told him so casually that he should start wearing pink because it complimented his eyes. He wanted to tell you that you were the only thing in this universe that could still the incessant maelstrom that was his mind. That when he was out on those dates the storm raged on more intensely than ever, but one look or word from you and everything was quiet; not even a trace of rain. 

He wanted to tell you. But he didn't. He couldn't. He wouldn't. Oh, but he needed to- 

"You wanted to try to fit in," your gentle voice pulled him from his thoughts, his head snapping to look at you. To see your eyes, full of understanding. To see your lips, pulled into a sad smile - but not one of pity, one that said all you wanted was to help him through yet another battle he was fighting with himself.

"Yeah," he sighed. "Yeah. I guess I just figured.. well, I don't know. Everyone kept saying how I needed to get out there. That dating was the next best step I could take to try and….. to- to understand how to live in this world better. I just wanted things to make sense again, but now I'm even more lost and confused than before I even went on those god damn dates."

You tried to keep your face even, to not let him see how sad it made you to hear the way his voice wavered when he told you what was going on. To not let him know that you sensed how small he was feeling, how even though his broad frame still shadowed you as you both sat there, he had never seemed so small.

"Well…. take me on a date," you suggested, not taking the time to even think about it. 

Bucky swore the whole room started to spin. His mouth ran dry and his heart hammered so heavily in his chest that he was convinced you could hear it. He knew he heard you wrong, he wasn't lucky enough to have a girl like you. The world was cruel, and he knew that the one sliver of hope that he had for a truly blissful life would never be fully his. That one day it would leave him, just like everything else throughout the years, as you found yourself in the arms of someone else. He would never have you the way he wanted you, the way he needed you. He knew that. So he had to have misheard you. "Come again?" 

Your whole face lit up when he asked this, and Bucky could feel himself coming undone. Your hands on his arm when you grabbed him in excitement suddenly felt so different than in the past. It used to feel warm, comforting, calming; but for some reason this time it sent a jolt of fire and electricity through him, and he never wanted to lose that feeling. He wanted to feel it again, feel it always, feel it forever. 

“Yeah! Oh, it would be great, Buck! We can go on a few dates, and I can help you find your footing with it all before you get back out there,” you said excitedly. You purposely overinflated your smile so he wouldn’t see the way your lips faltered with the struggle of getting out the last part, diverting your gaze for the smallest of moments so he wouldn’t see the way your eyes dimmed with the thought of him being with someone else. 

Bucky shifted where he sat, opening and closing his mouth a few times as his mind went into overdrive trying to think of a response. Every fiber of his being was screaming at him to say yes, but then there was a small piece of him that knew it wouldn’t end well - the piece that knew how he truly felt about you, the piece that knew it would easily be tricked into thinking these dates actually meant something to you; because lord knows they would mean the world and more to him. Bucky wanted to say yes, but he knew he had to say no. He had to say no because it wouldn’t be fair to you - you were offering to help him and he would be taking advantage of your kindness, using it to get to see you in a light he’d never be able to otherwise. He had to say no because saying yes could ruin everything. He may not be able to go back to the way it was before these dates, too addicted to ever quit you. He had to say no, for your sake, because it was a selfless offer. Bucky, however, was selfish when it came to you. 

“You know, doll… that may not be the worst idea I’ve ever heard,” he had said, giving you a lopsided smile. Your eyes lit up once more as you grinned at him, and no matter how hard he tried to keep his composure he couldn’t help but mirror your expression, feeling as giddy as he did the first time he was allowed to stay up late as a kid. 

“Excellent choice, Barnes,” you said playfully. “I swear you won’t regret it, it’ll be really fun. Just you and me, no expectations.”

Bucky nodded, shifting his head to scratch his jaw so you wouldn’t see the light frown that danced across his lips for a moment. “No expectations,” he repeated, careful to keep his voice level. “I can work with that.”

“Good,” you said softly, nodding a little. “I’ll give you some time to think about it and plan something, and you can just let me know whenever you wanna go on date number one.”

He was silent for a minute, taking the time to carefully churn the words over in his mind before answering. He didn’t want to make it obvious, but he knew immediately what he wanted to do. How could he not? All he ever did was look for new things he thinks you’d like, find himself dreaming of where he’d take you if he ever got the chance. Sure, you guys have done lots of things together before - brunches, lunches, dinners, movie nights, events, parties; you name it. Though there was never any meaning with any of those, it was always just friends spending time together. How were either of you supposed to know you each wished they meant something more? Heaven forbid you two would actually say how you felt.

"No need," Bucky said, rising from the couch with a small chuckle, looking down at you with the smile he reserved only for you. The one that skillfully said everything and nothing all at once. “Lunch. Tomorrow.”

[atlabeth]

greener grass | luke castellan

i recommend reading bleedin me dry before this as this is the au to that!

summary: what if you left with luke that day in the woods?

a/n: would just like to give a HUGE thank you for the massive amount of support on my luke fic!! and another huge thank you to all you angst demons because why do you want more of it. i mean i get it but why. anyways here’s a different path of actually accepting luke’s offer like so many of you said you would instantly fold lmao i hope you enjoy

wc: 3.2k

warning(s): fem!daughter of demeter reader. luke is his own warning. kind of unhealthy relationship, weird vibes all around

The stars were brighter than ever tonight. 

It was one of the first things that stuck out to you when you got to camp, and it was one of the first things that you noticed when you first got on the road with Luke. 

You’d always loved the stars. They were a rare sight coming from the city, such a sign of nature and purity that it honestly shouldn’t have been a surprise when you were claimed. You still remembered the shock that went through you when you first saw what a night sky free of pollution could be, and you still remembered the first time you risked your life with the harpies just to spend the night star-gazing. 

And you could never forget the first time you dragged Luke along with you, his wry protests falling on deaf ears though he grinned the entire way down to the beach, his hand laced in yours.  

Gods. 

Luke. 

Even the thought of him these days was enough to make your heart clench, a slight shiver run down your spine, and you weren’t fully sure as to why. 

You loved him. You ran away with him. Every path that led you here, you willingly chose to walk down. 

But you still questioned every second of every godsdamned day if they were the right decisions. Especially now, as you sat alone in front of the fire, carefully stoking it with one of the few dry sticks you’d been able to find after taking shelter—in your own haphazard tent made of vines and tree trunks and any other bits of nature you’d managed to sprout from the ground with your powers—to wait out a rainstorm. 

You decided to spend the night, deciding that traveling through the darkness was too risky after the last monster attack, but the minutes couldn’t have been creeping by slower. If being in nature didn’t quite literally fuel you, you knew you would be far more miserable than you already were.

You loved Luke with all your heart, and if he was willing to potentially throw off his entire plan just so he could bring you with him, then he had to love you the same. You owed him this, at least, to not abandon him. 

You— you didn’t want to serve Kronos, but you didn’t want to serve the gods, either. Your mother abandoned you before you were old enough to know what the word meant, leaving you on your father’s doorstep swaddled in blankets and with a note that he still had to this day. 

Demeter left your father to raise you on his own, left you to live the half-life of a half-blood, and hardly paid attention to you since. She didn’t help you when you were on the road to camp with your satyr, wondering if every bump in the night would be your end, and she let you feel worthless for an entire year before she finally decided you were deserving of her claim.

Or maybe she just finally remembered you existed. 

You understood Luke’s anger—you felt it yourself more than you liked to admit—but the path he was on was a dangerous one. You doubted you could take him off of it, but you could keep him safe, and you could prevent more damage. That was all you cared about at this point. 

How long you could walk this line was an entirely different question. 

You sensed him before you heard him even lost in your thoughts, but the snapping of twigs still made your breath catch for a moment. You kept your gaze on the fire as you spoke. 

“Anything?” 

“These woods are surprisingly bare for the time of year,” Luke said as he set his backpack on the ground, kneeling down to rifle through it. “I feel like Artemis is punishing me.” 

“Well, she doesn’t exactly have a reason to help you,” you said wryly. You gestured with your head towards the miniature orchard you’d been making at each one of your camps—one pro of your parentage was that you—hopefully—wouldn’t ever starve on the road. You’d been growing plants since you realized you could, so it was practically second nature at this point. “Fruit’s on the menu, if you’re interested.” 

Luke chuckled as he walked over, and as he plucked a perfectly ripe strawberry, he glanced at you. “Feeling nostalgic?” 

You shrugged. You wondered which of your siblings would be in charge of the strawberries with you gone. You hoped Mr. D wouldn’t give it to one of his kids. “Do you blame me?” 

“Not at all.” He popped it into his mouth then took an apple from the smallest tree you’d been able to grow. “It was home for us both, for a while.” 

You bit your lip. It still was your home—it had been for the past four years. You wanted to go back eventually, but you felt like you had sealed your coffin by going with Luke. Would they ever welcome you back, knowing you willingly followed him into the darkness?

“How long do you think we’ll be on the road?” you asked, finally looking over at him as he sat down across from you. “Not that I don’t enjoy being with you, but… it’s not exactly the safest.”

“At least another week or two,” Luke said. You tried your hardest to keep your expression even as he settled the full force of his gaze on you—you couldn’t deal with the scrutiny. “I need to make sure they’ve lost our trail. The last thing we need is a questing group on our asses.”

You huffed a laugh. “You think they’ll actually send anyone after us?”

Luke shrugged. “If all went well, camp is in total disarray. If it didn’t, they still know I’m with Kronos. I can’t imagine Chiron would take that lightly. And,” he inclined his head, “I did kidnap you.”

You scoffed. “You didn’t kidnap me.”

“They’ll probably think so,” he said, and there was something strange in his eyes. “Doesn’t make sense for you to come with me willingly.”

This again. “Luke—”

“I know,” he said, a slight smile on his lips. There wasn’t much heart in it. “You don’t have to explain yourself again.”

“I just don’t want you to think I’m not with you,” you said. “I— I am. I’m only here for you, Luke.”

His eyes softened. “You mean it?”

“I do,” you nodded. “I couldn’t just leave you.”

“I don’t take any of this lightly, you know.” His eyes never wavered from yours, the orange light flickering across his face and casting a devilish shadow. “You being here means the world. Nothing’s gonna happen to you—I’ll make sure of it.”

“I’m not just gonna lay you out to dry, either,” you said wryly. “We’ll protect each other. Like we always have.”

“Exactly,” Luke affirmed. He bit into the apple he’d seemingly forgot about, and you looked up at the sky in the resulting silence.

It felt like your mind always drifted back to camp, back to your siblings and friends and the victims of Luke’s crusade.

Your summer siblings who would come back next year and wonder where you went, your year-rounders waking up the next morning and all the mornings after with a discontented glance at your bed. 

How long would it take for them to forget you? For you to just be another lost demigod in the camp files?

And poor Annabeth Chase. Luke practically raised her, and he walked out on her without a word—you considered yourself lucky he didn’t do the same to you, and you had no idea what awaited you on your path together. 

The gods had never been one for listening, and certainly not to you, but you hoped at least one of them would look down on you. Maybe your mother could provide some of that wizened second child advice, shine her favor on you for the first time in your life.

Well. You doubted Demeter would very much appreciate your quasi-support of the titan that ate her. The thing you should have considered yourself lucky for was that your powers still worked. 

Luke brought you back to Earth by saying your name, and your gaze snapped back down to meet his. His scar seemed especially grisly in the firelight, at odds with the softness of his expression—something that felt all too rare these days. 

“What’s on your mind?” he asked. 

“What else could possibly be on it?” you asked wryly, tossing the stick you’d been fiddling with into the fire. It crackled as the flames devoured it, something so out of its realm thrust into it anyways. 

“Stupid question,” he admitted. 

“We’re practically fugitives, Luke,” you said. “We have monsters after us, and possibly people from camp. We left everyone behind. I’m with you, trust me, but— but I can’t just get over it all as easily as you.”

“And I get that,” he said. “This—” he sighed and shook his head— “you really don’t know how much you being here means to me. I thought I was going to be out on my own on all this.”

Your throat bobbed. You’d never tell him, but you didn’t even know what your answer was going to be until the words left your mouth.

“And you’re telling me that you’d still choose them over me?”

“No,” you said. “I wouldn’t.”

Luke’s eyes softened and your throat felt like it was closing up.

“Then come with me,” he whispered. “We will change the world together.”

“I can’t,” you asserted. “I can’t just leave everyone behind— I’d be leaving my entire life behind, Luke!”

“You’ll help them more this way,” Luke insisted. “The gods aren’t on our side—we’re here so they don’t have to pay attention to us. If we want anything to change for the better, we’re gonna have to do it ourselves.” 

You bit your lip, and he brushed a strand of hair out of your face. 

“I wouldn’t ask you this if I didn’t think you were right for it,” he murmured, tilting his head as he gazed into your eyes. “Your mother’s never bothered to see you before. I’m gonna make her see you.” 

“How?” you asked, hating the hints of desperation coloring your voice. 

“You’ll see,” he said. “But we’re gonna do something so big that no one’s going to be able to ignore us.” 

Memories of the past four years flashed through your mind, but the two at the forefront were ones with Luke and ones without your mother. 

He’d always been there for you, even when Demeter—especially when she wasn’t.

You couldn’t just leave him on his own. Not when he was baring his soul to you—not when his quest for greatness included it for you too. 

Not when he was the first boy you ever loved, the one who brought you back from the god-induced edge. 

“…Okay,” you said, the word feeling like an ultimatum the moment it left your lips. “Okay. I’ll go with you.” 

He stared at you for a second like he didn’t hear you, or rather like he didn’t actually believe it. And then he broke out into a grin. 

“Really?” 

“Yes, really,” you said. “Have I ever lied to you?” 

“Go to your cabin and pack your bags,” Luke said, still unable to control his exuberant expression. We’ll meet each other at the top of the hill.” 

“Right now?” 

Luke nodded. “Only a couple hours until we’re harpy feed. Everyone’ll think we’re just leaving for the school year.” 

“You’ve always been a year-rounder,” you said. “Won’t people—” 

“It doesn’t matter,” he said. “No one’ll think anything of it. We just have to get out before anyone asks any questions.” 

“Luke,” you murmured, “are you—” 

Luke cut you off with a blazing kiss, the same kind of fire in his eyes when he pulled away, a slight smile on his lips at leaving you breathless. 

“I’m sure,” he whispered. “You’re not going to regret this. I promise.” 

It was all you could do to stare up at him, his grip on your arms the only thing keeping you upright for a solid moment. 

“Go,” he said. “Take your time—don’t draw any suspicion. I’ll meet you there.”

“You’re really sure?” you asked, finally able to form words. “Really really sure? About this, a— and me?” 

He cupped your cheek, tracing his thumb along your jaw. “I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life than I am about you.” 

Leaving camp was insane—when Luke told you of Kronos’s plans, it was even more insane—but it had always been you and Luke. He’d been such a huge part of your life, ever since you first came to camp, that you couldn’t imagine yourself without him. 

And when you looked back at him, illuminated by the fire, you were sure of at least one thing. 

You weren’t leaving any time soon. Not when you could still fix all of this. 

A yawn got the better of you, and you felt Luke’s eyes on you as you covered your mouth with a fist. 

“You should get to sleep,” he said. “It’s been a long day.” 

“It’s been a long day for both of us,” you said. “We both had to get here—and you were the one who wandered around in the woods for two hours trying to hunt.” 

“How do you know I wandered?” Luke asked, setting the apple core down on the ground next to him. “You weren’t there. Maybe I had a very respectable saunter and just came up with nothing.” 

You chuckled. “The trees speak to me.” 

“Really?” he asked, clearly amused. “And what did they say?” 

“That you’re an awful hunter,” you mused, “and you should be very thankful that your girlfriend is good at everything.” 

Luke smirked and got up to start walking towards you. “Your ever-knowledgeable trees should know that I already know.” He kneeled down in front of you, a slight smile curling on your lips. “And that I am very thankful.” 

He pressed a heated kiss to your lips, and you reciprocated, looping an arm around him to keep him close before you pulled away. 

“It’s always good to hear it,” you murmured. 

“I’ll say it as many times as you need,” he assured. Luke stole another kiss then gestured towards your makeshift tent. “But you do need to get some sleep. We’re picking up at first light.” 

Your smile wavered. “We’ve been moving break-neck for a week already. Are you sure we can’t ease up?” 

“Soon,” Luke promised. “I told you, I just want to make sure we’ve lost any tails. We can’t afford that right now.” 

He must have seen the change in your expression, because his eyes softened and he took your hand. “It won’t be like this forever, babe. You can handle it.” 

“It doesn’t mean I want to,” you said dryly, but you sighed as you squeezed his hand. “I’ll turn in if you do too.” 

“Anything for you,” Luke said with a smile. You chuckled and shook your head as you stood up, and Luke grabbed his backpack before he went over to the tent with you. 

Your meager belongings weren’t much. You’d stuffed all the demigod essentials, some outfits, and a sleeping bag in your pack before hightailing it to Thalia’s tree, and Luke hadn’t packed much more—but at least it was light traveling. 

Every night had been spent in the same way, sharing your sleeping bag as you got what precious sleep Luke allocated before you were back on the road again. You were sure the only thing that got you through each early rising was his soft touches and easy murmured words. 

You laid down, staring up at the roof of brambles and bark, and you twisted your hand just so to make them twist away from each other for a small opening. 

Luke raised an eyebrow at you as he zipped his bag up, still crouched on the ground. “What’s that for?” 

You shrugged. “I’ve always liked sleeping under the stars.” 

Again, that small smile. It could still make you melt, even now. “I remember. I just hope it doesn’t start raining again.” 

“Like rain’ll be the worst thing we’ve dealt with,” you said wryly. “Besides, I can feel it in the air. We’re gonna be fine.”

“Yeah,” he said. “We are.” 

You glanced over and he was looking at you. You patted the spot next to you. 

“C’mon,” you said. “I’m cold.” 

“Oh, we can’t have that,” he said, amused, and he huddled in next to you. You let out a contented sigh as his body heat sunk into you, and he draped an arm across you to pull you closer. 

“That better?” he asked. 

You hummed in response. “Thank you.” 

“Always.” 

You closed your eyes as you exhaled deeply, trying your best to unwind the tension in every part of your body. You weren’t used to trekking miles every day, eating rations you’d packed from camp or gas station food from whenever you ended up close to town, only having the woods and the sky and Luke for company. It was starting to wear on you, but you weren’t going to let Luke know. 

“I love you,” Luke said suddenly, breaking the silence, his breath tickling your neck. Your eyes snapped open. “You know that, right?” 

A moment passed before you murmured, “I know.” 

You could feel some of the tension leave his body, and he adjusted his position to be closer to you. 

“Good.” 

His curls brushed against your skin as he rested his head in the crook of your neck. Luke was a comforting presence behind you, like an anchor in the choppy waters you’d thrown yourself into, but it… it just felt different than the countless other times. 

But that was only natural. You were back on the road, living the way you did when you first made the trip to Camp Half-blood with your satyr. Of course it felt different than the crowded chaos of the Hermes cabin, or the beach underneath a tapestry of stars, or your own bed at the behest of your siblings. The only thing that stayed the same was the scent of nature, and the scent of Luke. 

Things were different, yes, but you knew that would happen. Luke was different, but you knew that would happen—half the reason you came along with him was because you wanted to make sure he had a lifeline, a way to come back to shore when he decided his crusade was over. 

Because it had to be over eventually. He would decide that there was no way you could beat the gods, that it wasn’t worth killing himself over some meaningless mission. The gods had never cared about you before—you didn’t know why they would care about some half-baked rebellion by two of their least favorite kids. 

You loved Luke. He loved you. You told yourself that was all that mattered, because you were in this together now. 

For better or for worse. 

[thatacotargirl]

Shadows and Surprises (6)

Part 6 of Azriel x Reader fanfic!

Summary: Azriel meets y/n at Rita's and spends a single night of passion with you before heading your separate ways. Only, the Mother had different ideas.

Warnings: none.

Tag list - @nickishadow139 @dee-writes-smut @minnieoo @st4r-girl-official

@courtofjurdan @mirandasidefics @lilah-asteria @nyxbranwenn @impossibelle

@mybestfriendmademe @hauntedstudentobservationus @julesofvolterra @acourtofbatboydreams @rogersbarnesxx

@skylarkalchemist @sidthedollface2 @aehllitas-blog @fullmoon-94

Azriel's POV

"There is nothing that needs to be done, Azriel".

Rhysand was trying to reassure the pacing Azriel that you were, indeed, safe in Velaris. He had provided you with unconditional refuge in the city in case your father or uncle tried to have you removed back to Illyria.

"She has refuge here, and they have no claim to her anyway. She is safe in Velaris, as is the child".

Azriel still felt the panic deep in his bones, and felt them shake when he was reminded of his child. It wasn't only you that needed protection now, it was his sweet unborn baby.

"Neither Darius nor Devlon can do anything about this", Cassian reassured him, but it didn't stop Azriel's pacing.

"We need to do something about this Rhys, he injured her, he cut off her wings".

"Az, believe me, if we could go and take them to the Hewn City right now I'd do it in a heartbeat - but we need to do this strategically. And we can't hurt y/n in the process".

Azriel knew Rhysand was right, but it didn't make it any easier to accept. However, fighting with his brother wasn't going to help him either, and he needed all the support he could get right now, even if he found it hard to admit that. He let his head sag in resignation that, right now, he could do nothing more.

"I need to speak with you both, actually".

Azriel raised his head to look at his High Lord, who looked paler and more withdrawn than usual.

"Feyre is in Velaris".

-

Y/N's POV

After another morning spent training with Cassian before he went for a meeting with Rhysand, you were exhausted. Cassian was careful to make sure you stayed within your level of comfort and kept hydrated, but there was no denying that being pregnant and trying to exercise with an Illyrian warrior was a tough feat.

You walked through the House of Wind to find it surprisingly quiet; with Azriel having joined Cassian in Rhysand's office for the meeting. It was a rare opportunity to find yourself in peace and quiet, with the three males doting on you every time you walked into a new room, so you figured you'd make the most of it and enjoy a quiet afternoon in the living room with a book.

You walked in and froze. There, sat on one of the sofas, was a female you had never seen before and who looked equally as petrified to have run into you.

"Hi, I'm y/n", you offer, keeping your distance from the female whose fear scented the air so strongly you had to hold back a gag.

"Feyre", she replied.

"Are you here with?....." you gesture behind you, trying to figure out why she was currently sat in the living room.

"Rhysand".

"Ah".

You avoid each other's eyes as you stand in awkward silence, not knowing how best to address the situation. It was at that moment that your unborn baby decided to make a move for the pair of you, and gave you a gentle kick. It didn't feel like much, maybe just a gas bubble, but one discernible enough that you knew it was the life inside you. You gasp and your hand flew to your stomach. Although your belly was hidden under the jumper you were wearing, you knew the scent of pregnancy was noticeable to everyone, and you watched as Feyre jumped into action.

"Are you ok?", she asked, reaching out towards you but not quite touching you.

"I think, I think the baby moved, maybe, or maybe it was gas, or both? I don't know I don't know what it's meant to feel like", you laugh as you hear your voice getting higher and higher with excitement and panic. Moments like this made your pregnancy feel so much more real.

You looked at Feyre, whose eyes had softened and fear had dissipated. Her hand was still outstretched in the air, so you decided to reach forward to take it and place it on your bump. At that moment, your baby decided to throw in another kick, and Feyre gasped as she too felt the very, very tiny flutter of your stomach.

"You're the first person to feel the baby kick", you smile at her. She returns with a warm smile of her own, her hand still resting on your stomach.

-

It is sometime later, the two of you sat engrossed in conversation, when the males walk into the room. You peer around the edge of the sofa and see Rhysand standing tall, shoulders back, face pale. He looked worried, stressed, and you can only guess it is because of Feyre. You giggle, the mighty High Lord being taken for a loop by the small female sat opposite you.

"I see you've met Feyre", he says, walking to stand in front of you both. Azriel and Cassian follow.

"I have, she's wonderful!", you exclaim, giving Feyre a beaming smile, which she gladly returns. Feyre looks at the Illyrians with apprehension, but you're pleased that the scent of her fear is nowhere to be found - if not for her, but for your own nausea.

Rhys looks pleased that you seem to have taken Feyre under your wing.

"Feyre will be staying here for the foreseeable future".

You sense a tension in the atmosphere, but you don't pry. It's not your place if they don't wish to talk about why Feyre is here and why Rhysand is standing before you both looking constipated. Cassian must notice the tension too, because he jumps into the conversation.

"Dinner, anyone?"

-

Mor wasn't around, so dinner was solely for the 3 males, you, and Feyre. You deliberately sat Feyre at the edge of the table with only yourself next to her, if only to comfort her. Azriel sat opposite you, Rhys opposite Feyre, and Cassian at the head of the table. Conversations were kept light, no mention of Feyre's sudden appearance in Velaris was made, nor any mentions of yours and Azriel's relationship. Feyre hadn't asked who fathered your baby, and you had no idea how to explain the situation, so you were grateful it hadn't come up.

You were talking to Feyre about a book you had both loved, when you felt a wisp of something in your hair. You reach your hand up and pull it back with surprise, as a shadow had wrapped itself around your wrist. You looked at Azriel, who looked equally as shocked.

Suddenly, a flurry of shadows entangled themselves in your hair, around your limbs, and brushing up against your stomach. You could see Azriel trying to draw them back, becoming more and more frustrated at their ignoring him, and you couldn't help the laugh that came out. Watching the notorious Spymaster of the Night Court flustered because his shadows were disobeying him was funnier than you cared to admit. You could see Rhys and Cassian trying to stifle their laughs, and Feyre watching intently as the shadows drew your hair up into different hairstyles and played with your necklace.

"They're ok, Az. Let them be", you cooed, letting the shadows dance around your fingers. Azriel gave up trying to command them back to him, and instead indulged in watching the way you interacted with them, almost like you were playing with them.

A few darted off out of the room and came back a few moments later holding onto a purple paper bag. You saw the way that Azriel paled and lunged for the bag, but the shadows dodged, dropping the bag on your lap instead. You looked up to Azriel, his eyes wide, and thanked the shadows for bringing it to you.

"Is this for me?", you asked. He nodded, but you could clearly see he was uncomfortable. You decided he'd been through enough tonight.

"Thank you, and thank you sweet shadows" you cooed at them, placing the bag on the floor. If it was a gift, Azriel clearly wasn't ready for you to have it, so you weren't going to embarrass him by opening it at the table in front of everyone.

"Dessert?" you asked, smiling at Feyre, trying to change the conversation. Azriel looked at you gratefully as Cassian pounced on the chocolate marble cake that appeared on the table.

-

You had subtly handed the bag back to Azriel at the end of dinner before departing for your bedroom. You were even more exhausted now, having not been able to get in an afternoon nap. You showed Feyre to her room, gave her a few of your favourite books that she hadn't read and a glass of water, and had settled in to your own bed. Just as you went to switch off your light, you heard a knock at the door.

"Come in", you called, thinking it might be Feyre. The Illyrian wings that filled the doorway told you otherwise.

"Az?" you asked, sitting up in bed. Azriel was standing in the door, clutching the bag in his hand.

"You can have this now. I didn't know when to give it to you, but I guess the shadows want you to have it today". He handed you the bag and you took it happily.

"They've never done that, you know".

"Done what?"

"Disobeyed me to go to someone else. They've never done that. They seemed enthralled by you".

You chuckle.

"Maybe because they know I'm carrying your baby?". Azriel looked away wistfully, before nodding.

"Yeah, that must be it".

You pulled the tissue paper out of the bag before your hands touched soft fabric. You pulled out a small bundle of black and unfurled it to reveal a teeny, tiny baby grow. The back had small slits to fit small wings and it adopted on a celestial pattern - with the words "Our Little Star" in silver embroidery on the front.

"I know you wanted the first piece of clothing the baby had to be special, I hope I didn't overstep".

The tears that had lined your eyes now spilled, and you opened your arms to engulf him in a hug.

"You didn't, Az. This is beautiful, thank you". You stayed like that for a few minutes, holding each other, before Azriel stepped back.

"I'll let you get some sleep".

"Ok, thank you again Az".

He smiled and left your bedroom. Your eyes fell to the beautiful baby grow and you held it to your chest, feeling more love than you had ever felt in your entire life. As if feeling it too, you felt another little flutter, and smiled to yourself.

You carefully placed the baby grow on your dresser and settled back down, your eyes heavy. As you lulled into a deep sleep, you felt the gentle caress of a shadow stroking your arm and, once you were asleep, it nuzzled itself into your open hand.

[live-laugh-legolas]

Thanks for your headcannons! How about a sketch where Gandalf, for example, helps fem! reader to cope with anxiety/insomnia and how the rest of the fellowship react to it (but only if it's not difficult for you)

I’ve just focused on the anxiety part of this prompt because I have struggled with anxiety my whole life so I feel more comfortable writing about it

I feel like some of these just turned into me giving advice based on my own experiences so please remember I am a very unqualified unprofessional and I love my therapist and suggest everyone get themselves one (as a little treat, you deserve it 💕)

The Fellowship x reader w/anxiety

Aragorn:

-He is very understanding and patient

-Doesn’t let you be embarrassed about your worries

-If you brush off your worry by asking questions about something similar that feels more “reasonable” to you he will gently call you out

-“what are you actually worried about?”

-Your anxiety might not be rational to others but I feel like anxiety rarely is; it’s still valid no matter what and he makes sure you know this

Legolas:

-He doesn’t fully understand it

-And by that I mean he doesn’t understand why some people’s brains just don’t work quite right

-Why would your brain trigger a fear response when there is no threat? Is that a mortal thing?

-Although he is confused a bit he will never judge you for being anxious

-He doesn’t even really think twice about what your anxiety is about; he just wants to help

-He quickly picks up on the fact that sometimes there isn’t really anything he can do except be there for you

-Awkwardly brings you water

-He will keep you company if you can’t sleep because he doesn’t sleep anyway

Gimli:

-He will tell you that he will fight any thing that worries you

-He kinda takes an approach of “I’m going to be over the top so they can see that it not something worth worrying over”

-This is not a mocking sort of thing; I want to make that clear; he is not going to tell you that there is nothing to worry about, he hopes you will come to that conclusion with his comedic support

-He will also give you pep talks like he gave himself before going into the Paths of the Dead (I think that was what it was called; the cave with the cursed ghosts)

-I love his softer moments and I think he would lean into this and be a teddy bear and a solid rock ya know?

-He suggests drinking ale if you can’t fall asleep but you have to tell him blacking out isn’t a healthy way to fall asleep (personally I don’t like the taste of alcohol but it does make me really sleepy. I am of age though; don’t underage drink even if Gimli offers it to you)

Boromir:

-“well what is the worst thing that will happen if (insert worry here)?”

-He takes the approach of “this is your worry and this is every way we will handle it should it come to fruition”

-I know this might not be a particularly great way to handle anxiety but I will say to myself “ok the worst thing that happens is you die. Welp if you die then at least you won’t be stressed anymore and don’t have to go to work in the morning”

-It has just allowed me to find some peace with things out of my control

-Basically he will help you find things you can control in your life and help you accept the things you can’t

Frodo:

-He is a really calm person in general and he is also super patient

-He will listen to any and every worry you have even if you have repeated the same worried question multiple times

-He will remind you to bring something of comfort with you; like your favorite hoodie; if you are going to do something out of your comfort zone or that might trigger your anxiety

-Sam is prone to anxiety at times and he has learned how to help him get out of his head a bit and he does the same for you

-I think he will just hand you something to fiddle with as a small distraction and to get a little energy out; and if nothing is available he will give you his hand or let you play with his hair

Sam:

-He takes a very hands on approach; and by that I mean he knows your common anxieties and helps you to avoid anything that will bring them on

-Will throw a heavy blanket on you if you start to panic

-He’s a little stressed while trying to calm you down just because he wants you to feel better

-He also has some anxiety so he sympathizes; you guys can reassure each other

-If you take meds he will make sure you take them even if he has to hold you down and pill you like a dog

Merry:

-My parents always told my sister and I that “they will tell us if there is something to worry about”

-Merry does this

-He tries to “train” you like a dog with a treat to come and ask him if you should be worried so he can tell you yes or no

-He obviously won’t do this if you don’t get a laugh out of it; he doesn’t want you to think he is making fun of you

-And he will be honest; if it he doesn’t know he will check it out before confirming if you should be worried about it or not

-He teaches you breathing techniques and grounding exercises

Pippin:

-This hobbit is super empathetic and will pick up on your anxiety really quick

-He’s subtle with his comfort though

-Will make excuses for you both to leave a situation without putting any attention on you

-He can be oblivious at times, but never to your emotions

-Does the “nose boop” or something silly to catch you off guard if you start to panic which can help pull you out of that headspace

Gandalf:

-Will tell you some wise shit about how everything experiences stress and how everything ends up working out

-“You are more than your fears. Don’t let your fear control you”

-I just think about the scene when he is talking to Frodo about wishing the ring didn’t come to him

-He will pass you his pipe because he smokes his troubles away; but how’s that going for ya Gandalf? *insert scene of him choking on the smoke but he keeps going despite Pippin looking like he thinks he will die any second*

———————————————————————

I have realized I talk a lot about myself and reference my parents and experiences when I’m writing these. Do y’all find that weird or annoying to read? I have found it sometimes is the easiest way to explain where the headcanon idea came from. But I also don’t want to bore anyone with my wordy explanations

[fellow-anime-weeb927]

Mashle friendship and dating scenarios (might be a bit ooc)

Friendship scenarios

Abel

He may not be showing any emotions but deep down he is actually grateful to have you by his side caring for him. He makes sure you are safe at all times by ordering his helpers to keep an eye on you if he’s busy. He might ignore you but he’ll find some free time to make it up to you.

Abyss

He was surprised when you want to befriend him AND complimenting his evil eye then that’s how your friendship began. I feel like he will smile around you more whenever he sees you. Please show him kindness and care he deserves it- He thinks he doesn’t deserve you so you better do it! He might visit your dorm just to spend time with you a while aww~

Mash

He will definitely offer you a cream puff as a gift for the start of your friendship. Congratulations! You are now one of his favourite people!! He will ask you to make cream puffs with him or maybe watch him train. You guys definitely share classes together and might witness him getting scolded by teachers while trying to hold in your laughter lol. He also asks you for help with homework-

Finn

Oh boy- he was so nervous when you approached him until you asked him to be friends. Lemme remind you: protect him at all costs and reassure him till you take your last breath or else. He’s an innocent bb and no one can change my mind. You guys study and do homework together or even hang out with Mash! He couldn’t be happier to have another friend aww~

Kaldo(manga)

Since he is a divine visionary, he’s mostly busy and couldn’t spend time with you. If you are also a divine visionary, you might see him a bit more unless you’re also busy. He could find some spare time to have tea with you if he can. It’s rare for him to accept your request to train with him though (he doesn’t want to hurt you). He would definitely give you honey or syrup for any kinds of food lol-

Domina(after the fight)

He was hesitant at first but decided to accept being your friend. You remind him of Mash thinking that he is finally being appreciated for real this time. When you help him out or give him little gifts just because you felt like it, he feels warmth and his eyes shine more than usual. He doesn’t know how to describe it but he feels happy when being friends with you.

Dating scenarios

Abel

Even though he seems to act like usual when dating but if you look close enough, he has a tiny smile and faint blush on his face. He’s more protective and will get jealous easily. Like if someone is looking at you pervertedly or with hatred, Abel will stare back at them with the deadliest glare ever. When he’s with you, he feels like he’s at home with his mother. You are precious to him so he will protect you at all costs. If you’re lucky enough, he might hold your hand in public to show everyone you’re his.

Abyss

Oh boy- he will be blushing quite a lot when he sees you. He couldn’t believe he has stolen your heart and you have stolen his. Aaaaaaa!!!! He might still feel a bit insecure but trust me- just hold his hand and give him a kiss on the cheek, he will instantly forgets about everything and focuses on you. Please give him support and affection I beg you- I feel like he would do anything just for you but sometimes you have to assure him that you can do your own thing just fine. He is definitely touch-starved bc of you and his cuddles are literal heaven omg- //////

Mash

He will definitely hug you when he feels like it. He doesn’t care if he’s chatting with his friends or you guys are alone, he will just straight up hug you to recharge lol. (Cream puffs ain’t gonna be enough when you’re his favourite cream puff- *cough*) If you need any help, he will assist you no questions asked. I think his eyes will shine a bit more than usual just being by your side. Find some time to spend with him and his dad, he will be very happy and his dad will be bawling his eyes out yet proud of Mash having a partner.

Finn

He did a double-check then realised that you are now his partner. He was internally crying happy tears, couldn’t believe you would actually accept his feelings, he was beyond cloud nine. When dating, he might feel insecure about people judging him but once you are next to him giving a little peck on his cheek, he will instantly have the brightest and most innocent smile on his face (aaaaaaa his smile would be so bright aaaaaa-) I swear- he IS and WILL BE blushing really red 24/7 no doubt.

Kaldo(manga)

My brain is running out of brain juice- I feel like when you confessed to him, he was actually surprised. The fact that you love him AND accepting his true self without any judgement, he hit the jackpot. He would be trying to find time to spend the day with you giving little pecks on the forehead. He would definitely be carrying your bags despite your protests (him being a fine gentleman ahem-) Although he’s very formal with other people but when you two are alone, he is desperate for your affection and attention. He always thinks about you when he’s on duty, he couldn’t wait to get his work done then spend the rest of the day with you //////

Domina(after the fight)

You helped him to get back on his feet with the help of Mash. He still didn’t understand why you helped him but he didn’t mind. When you confessed to him after a few months, he was flabbergasted. His face was pink, eyes widened and jaw dropped a bit. His heart beat so fast thinking if this was a dream. When you’re dating, he would be showing more emotions around you. If you look closely, his eyes are filled with adoration. Give him affection and love every day and he will be happier. Please he deserves it, he deserves to receive proper love too.

Ok- my soul has left the earth- (I added Domina bc I didn’t want him to be left out)

Hope you enjoyed!~

[delicatebarness]

i cant read your mind | chapter eleven

Summary: The fight in Latvia continues.

Warnings: MCU Spoilers. Major The Falcon and The Winter Soldier Spoilers. Violence. Character Death. Grief and Loss. Tense Situations. Blood and Injuries.

Word Count: 1456

Spotify Playlist | Support: Ko-Fi

Series Masterlist | Previous Chapter | Next Chapter

A/N: I actually managed to get this chapter finished on time! Also, I made the executive decision to remove Sharon from this part. Please feel free to leave feedback or let me know where and how you want the story to continue, this is just as much yours as it is mine. - B

I Can’t Read Your Mind: @blackhawkfanatic | @cjand10 | @wintrsoldrluvr | @missvelvetsstuff | @buckys-metal-arm | @matchat3a | @shadowzena43 | @torntaltos | @honeydew3064 | @scott-loki-barnes | @crazyunsexycool

Everything: @hallecarey1 | @pattiemac1 | @uhmellamoanna | @scraftsku35 | @ozwriterchick | @sapphirebarnes | @rach2602 | @thetorturedbuckydepartment

Sam’s phone buzzed, breaking the tense silence as the three of you walked the streets of Latvia. He quickly answered, his expression shifting from confusion to alarm. “She said what?” 

Glancing at Bucky, you exchanged worried looks as Sam listened intently to the phone call, his face growing more serious by the second. “Right. Hold on, hold on. I know, I know. Listen, pack an overnight bag and… take the boys.” 

Bucky’s concern was evident as he stepped closer. “What happened?” 

Sam covered the phone, and his voice strained. “Karli called Sarah. She threatened my nephews.” 

A chill ran down your spine a the mention of Sam’s family being in danger. After the Snap and Sam’s disappearance, you visited Sarah and her boys regularly to ensure they had what they needed. Though she rarely accepted your help, being a friend to her turned out to be the greatest support you could offer. 

Sam continued talking to Sarah, trying to calm her down. “Okay. Go somewhere safe. All right? Tell me when you arrive. I know. Look, I love you. I’ll never let anything happen to you and the boys. Okay. Bye.” 

Sam’s expression was full of determination as he hung up and looked between you and Bucky. “Karli wants to meet. She left a contact number.” Then, his phone chimed with a new message. Reading it quickly, he sighed. “She said come alone.” 

Bucky’s tone left no room for argument as he looked back at Sam. “I’m coming with you.” 

You nodded, reaching out to place your hand on Sam’s arm, giving it a reassuring squeeze. “I’ll go look after Sarah and the–” 

“No,” Sam cut you off, shaking his head. “I need you here, I need you to track down Walker.” 

Hesitating, you glanced between Bucky and Sam, but you saw a determination in Sam’s eyes. “Alright, but be careful… both of you.” 

As Sam and Bucky headed toward the coordinates Karli had sent, you set off in search of John Walker. The streets of Latvia felt colder and more hostile with every step you took like there was tension in the air. 

Slipping into the shadows, you blended in with the busy streets, moving with purpose and keeping an eye out for any sign of John Walker. As you navigated through narrow alleys, you spotted John and Lemar standing near a group of buildings. 

Their eyes constantly scanned the area and they wore tense expressions. You stayed hidden, positioning yourself in a spot where you could observe without being seen. 

“I’ve got eyes on Walker,” you whispered over the comms. 

Bucky’s voice crackled through the comms, tense but focused. “Good. Keep an eye on him and report any movements.” 

“Got it, Sergeant,” you replied, your gaze fixed on Walker and Lemar. 

John’s posture was rigid, frustration evident in every twitch. He gestured animatedly while talking to Lemar as if his patience wore thinner by the second. The noise of the street drowned out their words as you strained to hear their conversation. 

A group of people passed by, momentarily blocking your view. Your focus sharpened when they cleared, showing you John checking the time. His face hardened with impatience. John was clearly on edge as Lemar placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder, he shook his head instantly. 

“Any change?” Sam’s voice came through the comms again. 

“Not yet, our boy’s getting antsy though. He might move soon,” you replied, your voice barely above a whisper.

“Stay on him,” Bucky’s voice added. “We’re about to confront Karli.” 

Remaining in your concealed spot, John’s movements became more erratic and his restlessness grew. Cursing the situation in your mind, you knew that any wrong move would tip the scales. The alliance between you was fragile, and tested.

Just then, John and Lemar started moving, heading down the street with a purpose. Trailing behind at a safe distance, you slipped from your hiding spot. Adrenaline coursed through your veins, your heart pounding in your chest as you waved through the crowd. 

“Hey Sam,” you spoke through the comms once more. “New Cap is moving, looks like he’s found them.” 

You followed John and Lemar as they moved quickly through the streets, your senses on high alert as you sent Sam their location. After several tense minutes, they arrived at a large, abandoned building. Pausing at the door, they scanned the area before slipping inside. Pressing yourself against the wall, you moved closer, avoiding detection. 

“They just entered the building,” you whispered into the comms. “I’m going in.” 

“Be careful,” Bucky warned. The hitch in his breath suggested he was running, chasing. 

Taking a deep breath, you moved silently through the dimly lit hallways. Creeping closer, you kept to the shadows as you heard faint voices echoing through the building. 

It wasn’t long before you heard the sound of footsteps behind you. Turning quickly, you came face to face with one of Karli’s super soldiers. Lunging at you without hesitation, forcing you to clock and counter his strikes with all your strength. 

You fought with everything you had, yet their strength was overwhelming. The breath was knocked out of you as he slammed you against the wall. You grit your teeth, retaliating with a powerful kick. The Smasher’s fist connected with your jaw, sending you to stumble backward. Dazed, you tried to regain your balance, but he was already looming toward you, ready to strike again. 

Suddenly, a flash of metal whizzed past you. Charging into the room, Bucky’s vibranium arm caught the Smasher's punch mid-air. With a powerful, swift motion, Bucky threw him across the room. He strode toward the Smasher, his jaw clenched. 

As the Smasher began to find his feet, Bucky sent a powerful kick to his chest, causing him to smash through the wall behind him. 

“Stay there,” Bucky instructed the Smasher, in a calm steady tone.

“Thanks,” you muttered, shaking off the dizziness. 

“Come on, stop playing around,” he called out, steadying you on your feet. 

You and Bucky raced through the building together, searching for Sam, John, and Karli, impending the dangers that awaited. It wasn’t long before you heard the sound of struggle up ahead, you both raced toward the commotion.

When you turned the corner, Karli and the Flag Smashers were engaged in a brutal fight with Sam and John. The air crackled with tension as blows were exchanged. Amid the chaos, a knife had been thrown toward you and Bucky as it bounced off the shield. 

Without hesitation, Bucky caught the knife and immediately you both joined in on the action. You all fought fiercely, trying to gain the upper hand against Karlie and her group. 

“Sam, watch out! You shouted, alerting him to an incoming strike from behind. Before he could retaliate, Bucky knocked the Smasher away from Sam. 

“You’re welcome.” Bucky snarked at Sam. Pivoting, Sam’s eyes locked with yours for a brief moment. 

The fight raged on, escalating with every passing moment. Then suddenly, amidst the cacophony of battle, a crack echoed through the room, deafening the fight. All movement ceased as everyone turned towards the source of the sound. 

Unmoving, Lemar slumped to the ground. Time seemed to slow as everyone processed what had just happened. A tragic turn had taken place in the fight, and the repercussions were immediate. 

You froze, horror and grief washed over you as you watched John rush to his friend’s side. Sam’s expression hardened, grief and anger etched on his face. Bucky’s eyes narrowed, his jaw tensing. Even Karli’s resolve seemed to waver, a flicker of doubt crossing her features. 

“Hey. Hey. Hey. Lemar. Lemar.” John’s voice trembled, his anguish palpable. 

Karli and the Flag Smashers bolted and fled the building. Instantly, you, Sam, and Bucky were hot on their trail, running after them. 

~

You, Sam, and Bucky arrived just in time to witness the aftermath of John Walker’s actions. Stunned by the scene unfolding before you, you were speechless. The once-glistening shield is now stained with blood. 

Sam’s expression hardened as he took in the sight, he feared for John Walker’s suitability as Captain America, and now his fears were confirmed most horrifyingly.

Bucky’s jaw clenched with anger and disgust. He moved forward instinctively, ready to intervene, but you grabbed his hand, stopping him in his tracks as he looked down toward your tearing eyes. The air was thick with tension as the crowd murmured in shock and disbelief. 

You watched as John slowly rose from the lifeless body of the Flag Smasher, filled with grief, anger, and a haunting sense of justification, his eyes were wild. A small part of you believed he expected adoration from the crowd, but he was met only with horror and fear. 

---

Series Masterlist | Previous Chapter | Next Chapter

[444moonbae]

Huntress & Black Canary: DC’s forgotten dynamic duo

long (but worth it) post alert

i’ve always found helena’s relationship to dinah so INTERESTING!!! how helena seemingly idolizes dinah and holds her on a pedestal, because dinah may truly be the only person in the crime fighting biz that doesn't immediately judge her—that she doesn't need to fight for the approval of (*cough* batfam *cough*). i choose to read it as an attachment. one that is similar to her dynamic with batman (in that she searches for approval and comfort), but different because while bruce rejects helena time and time again, dinah does not.

what makes their dynamic even more fascinating is that dinah doesn’t purposely make a home for helena. it’s just who she is or how it happens. the energy isn’t reciprocated in the sense that dinah does not then idolize or pedestal helena in return. it’s sort of a one way street that likely results from the void of helena’s lonely past that causes her to “imprint” on the first person that shows her acceptance. but, because dinah is present and rarely offers rejection, helena thus views her as an object of habitual trust, perhaps even someone that she needs. 

i could be overstating it, but undoubtedly there is a bond between the two worth analyzing, and specifically through the eyes of the Huntress. helena emotionally attaches to dinah because dinah does not turn her away in the way that others that come before her have (due to how she works/goes about business). for once, someone seems to actually care enough to give her the light of day, to give her a CHANCE. and that is a huge change from the unacceptance she is so used to feeling and the lonely she is so used to being. as a child, helena seldom received any validation from important figures (for obvious reasons… i.e. her entire family being murdered), so she sometimes searches for this validation in other people. through this friendship, dinah helps helena realize that she does not have to linger in her own corner of brooding and that she can be apart of a team.

it’s kind of genius, really. and who knows if Gail Simone purposely wrote in all these layers but nevertheless it’s there and it makes sense: girl who continuously gets rejected in her search for approval finally finds someone who doesn’t and in turn, idolizes her. this dynamic only gets more interesting for me when thinking about it from dinah’s perspective; while dinah does really care about helena, she doesn’t necessarily go out of her way to give her that “chance”—she simply does not have preconceived notions about who helena bertinelli is. dinah inadvertently breaks the cycle that helena is caught in. all of this is in terms of the start of their relationship, and to simplify: dinah never goes to helena and says “oh my god you have such a horrible past let me help you!” rather, it is helena who comes across dinah and thinks “wait a sec…? she doesn’t care that i’ve done some bad things? or that batman (AND babs… which is huge bc barbara IS the birds of prey) doesn’t really like me?” it doesn’t mean as much to her as it does to helena. this can be detected in dinah’s own dialogue to her, as seen in the previous panels. however, as their bond strengthens, we do then see dinah going out of her way to directly support and defend helena, even confronting batman herself on several occasions :

i wish this dynamic was explored more, however. it doesn’t help that DC has seemingly thrown helena on the back burner, away from the team that was once so important to her character development. what i’m trying to say is, helena NEEDS to be in the current Birds of Prey run for many reasons, her attachment to dinah and dinah's support of her being one of them. and i hope Kelly Thompson will recognize the importance this has not just for fans like me, but for the character herself. if you know anything about Huntress as a character, she is kind of a "lone wolf" type. by choice, by circumstance, not just cuz of her personality, but because of her origin, too. her joining the Birds of Prey, becoming a prominent figure on a cohesive TEAM, was a huge arc in her development. take it from helena herself, after literally sacrificing her life for dinah :

I would really like to see these two team up again, being that they work pretty well together, visually and literally, but also because it means a lot to helena internally. if we strip huntress away from the birds of prey, who does she really have? where really is she? the answer is no one and no where, a reflection of her current status in the dc universe. helena does not have to be, and should not be, inextricably tied to a team (as some characters unfortunately grow to be) but a balance between co-operation and independence can easily be navigated. in other words, helena works well alone but the birds of prey should remain a comfort zone for her, and a part of her overall purpose. ultimately, having characters and spaces that she is connected to can only be a good thing (i.e. dinah, babs, zinda, the birds of prey). yet, somehow, she is missing in action even while her team is active.

it’s a shame for me to see them operate without her. so, part of my reasoning for her inclusion is Black Canary, as dinah became that important figure in helena’s life— something her character so deeply craves both emotionally and contextually; helena bertinelli needs someone she can rely on and Huntress, as a character, needs to have solid connections within the space of DC’s universe... or else she is at risk of slowly falling into a forgotten pit of oblivion. But when thinking of the birds of prey, i personally do picture a trio— heldinahbabs. of course, the team has always been subject to change, and there is nothing wrong with that (in fact, in volume one, helena only joined in issue #57, while dinah even left in issue #100), but this post is a very long winded way of me wanting to see them together again, even just for a moment. afterall, helena joined for dinah and stayed for barbara. and as someone who is a huge huntress fan, seeing her dynamics explored more with others is a must. but, am i blinded by nostalgia? you tell me. either way, i know helena misses dinah. 

---

bonus: helena lowkey fangirling over the sight of both dinah and bruce fighting together

[itzjustmonikas]

Some short cute scenarios of the octavinelle trio relating to magicam! (Jade,Floyd, Azul x reader with no specified gender)

-Jade runs one of those foraging accounts you see on YouTube where he shows people different types of plants/fungus. He gets especially excited talking about his collection and how he tends to his plant babies. Most viewers first started watching him for his voice, hands, and appearance but stayed for the information. One day he asked you for some help with transporting a pot/harvesting a rare plant and got you on video. You didn't think much of it at first and just went on with your day, but when he uploaded the video his fans were all commenting, asking who you were because they liked your voice and found it rare to see someone other than Floyd in the videos. He responded in the next video by saying “That’s a secret~” and people start speculating and talking about who you might be. You end up making more appearances but your face is never shown as Jade wants to keep his beloved all to himself~ and well, he is amused at his fans reactions and want to keep them guessing ;)

-Floyd is canonly very caught up on the latest trends and fashion. He has a big wardrobe and buys alot of different clothing items and accessories. It definitely costs a lot of money so Azul suggested for him to be one of those influencers that post their fits in order to get brand deals to support that lifestyle. Floyd agreed and is actually interested in doing it consistently, he eventually gets pretty popular on magicam because of that and gets invited to a high end luxury brands fashion show. He initially didn't want to go but found out that you liked the brand so he took the offer and brought you with him. You guys got dressed in matching outfits and went to the show together and go viral for your matching outfits and how compatible you both look. Floyd especially for his eyes, tallness, and unique appearance but you also looked very gorgeous alongside him, had great chemistry. Brands end up sending Floyd loads of clothes for upcoming couple lines and you guys ended up with lots of pictures and some fond memories together~

-As you spend more time in NRC you and Azul have gotten closer, chatting often during passing period and collaborating on projects. He was initially cautious of you and did not think you would become such a special and important person to him. He loves your kind words and feels as if you really understand him, he is still scared and a bit hesitant on telling you about his past. Will you decide to turn away from him like the others or will you accept him for who he is? He hopes for the latter...regardless, he wanted to show his gratitude for you by taking you out on a date to watch that one movie you've been excited about recently. You guys plan it out and go to to the theaters together, snacking on popcorn while giggling together at the funny scenes. As you guys walk out, hand in hand, a few people see you guys and end up snapping a pic of you two together because you guys just look so good! None of you realized because you were both enjoying the moment and excited to talk about your thoughts on the ending. Once you guys got back to the dorms you were bombarded with messages from Cater talking about how you and Azul went viral online. You were shocked and went to notify Azul who also just heard the news, both of you ended up reading through the trending tags and comments. You both blushed at the compliments you guys got, such as:

"they look so compatible", "the way he looks at [insert pronouns]>>>", "I love their outfits", "omgg the chemistry between these two", etc

People were wondering if you guys were upcoming models or something and were comparing you guys to known couples from dramas/television. It was an unexpected event but brought you guys closer in the end~

I am a first time writer so please bear with me if I made any mistakes, I am open to constructive criticism and hope you guys enjoy!

Let me know if any of you guys want a part 2🫧

[vacantgodling]

#18. Karenza Hawkins

Blessed with a rare gift, the eyes on you have ever multiplied; with every achievement and every feat, your admirerers grow. As a dancer, you spin in their ring. You reach out to those in wonder, and you help those who are weary, and you offer kindness to even those who would look upon you in jealousy. It is a dance you dance alone, but you have supporters you hold dear—your friends who have ever encouraged you, and have built the stage so you can succeed. And with your calloused hands you reach for them; to pull them up, and to hold them near. It will take everything you have, and then more, but you have so much to give. And that’s the scary thing—that you can only give, and give, and give.

“karenza” means love. "hawkins" means “little hawk”

28, cis woman (she/her), romance: sure! she doesn’t really think about it too much, but she’d be flattered if someone asked her out. sex: sure! multiple partners is very fun for her. currently, she’s a sexual partner to her two closest friends moria and jagoda, and she loves how close she is with them regarding that. preference: none, anyone is great and the more the merrier!

if she’s anything, she’s all legs; standing at 5’11” and is quite lithe and bony (itty bitty titty committee yknow?). her hair is cut in an asymmetrical bob and is carrot orange, standing out against her deep brown skin. she has a smattering of freckles, but only across her nose, and her eyes are a big, watery green, with thick lashes. she’s honestly the embodiment of that uwu/pleading face and she has pretty, thick lips.

MEDIC. in fact, she’s the most naturally gifted medic in all of terrae; able to perform the spell (that she herself created and perfected) known as the phoenix ritual—which literally means within a certain amount of time removed from death, she can raise them back to full health. this is because karenza has a CRAZY excessive amount of sana; the most that has ever been recorded in a person—which is 80 percent sana and only 20 percent ars. this should render her unable to use magic (since 30% ars is the threshold), but her excess of sana literally is so potent it spills out of her. literally. y’know how every fucking disney movie or whatever has a scene where someone’s magic tears bring someone back to life, similar vibe. karenza can heal people just by touching them. why her sana is so potent is up in the air, and frequently researchers still study her because they just don’t understand her at all but she’s just accepted that for some reason, the gods blessed her and she spends much of her time using her abilities for good. she studied at the most prestigious academy for medics in terrae, silverkeep but kept in frequent contact/visitation with her friends back home in kingsburrow. after she graduates, she takes the guild exam and joins the AGoE with kiba, moira, jagoda, and eryn. 

karenza is a clumsy, head in the clouds type of person when it comes to anything outside of her medical expertise. she’s very cheery and tends to try and see the best in both everyone and in every situation she comes across. despite having a natural gift, she is very, very about that hard work life. she is practically an encyclopedia of medical knowledge and she doesn’t like people who don’t give everything their all if they have the ability to. she really admires all of her friends, and she’s both easily entertained and easily wowed. most likely to fall for a scam because she just believes people at face value and in that way is slightly naive. she just wants the best for everyone around her, a real sweetheart.

3 fun facts about them: she’s lefthanded and while this may not be much of a thing, most spells in spellbooks tend to be oriented for righthanded folks, so she’s started her own lefthanded spellbook for her own sake. despite her medical expertise, subortus isn’t something she’s the best at, but she studies every day to try and get better at it—she actually really admires clear for how skilled he is with it. she has very sharp hearing and can hear things from up to 10 miles away if they’re of a certain decibel range.

[edgessunflower]

I've been in love with you since we were 14

Pairing:Monica Long x fem reader

Description:No matter how hard you both tried,You and Monica fell and stayed in love with each other

You smile and run to Monica after your eyes meet seeing each other running until you were in a tight hug together smiling and laughing happily.The two of you met when you were 4 due to both your parents being friends and your family moving nearby the broken rock reservation having family friends that were natives from different tribes your parents met families on the reservation including the long family you immediately became attached at the hip with monica.You first started having feelings for her when you were both 10 noticing that whenever you look at boys you didn't find any cute at all but everytime someone asked you who the cutest person you knew most of the times about boys you always said or just looked at monica feeling something throughout your body that you couldn't describe until you were both older.You realized how you felt for her when you were both 14 after a boy from school kissed you and you pushed him away feeling disgusted by what happened but at a sleepover together she suggested that you practice kissing for whenever you had boyfriends as what kids from school were doing but then as soon as your lips connected with her lips you all of a sudden felt very different from what happened with the boy.Instead of feeling disgusted,wanting to get him away and off of you immediately,and never wanting it to happen you never wanted it to end with her feeling warm and fuzzy grabbing her face and pulling her to you until you heard the doorknob of your room turn pretending to watch tv when your mom opens the door looking at the two of you for a second until she closed it going downstairs to make dinner as you burst out laughing beside each other as she lays with her arms wrapped around you while you both watch tv until dinner falling asleep holding each other in your bed hours later.You didn't know what to think about how much you cared for her or what she would think so you never told her at all not knowing that she felt the same as long as you had trying not to out of fear of losing her family and being outcasted the rest of her life so she dated boys but her father could tell something was up thinking that you two had fought or were mad at each other until a friend of the family told him about LGBT people realizing that you liked each other but afraid the other didn't accept it.You smile back on memories between the two of you while hugging tate runs out yelling your name making your heart grow with warmth picking him up and hugging him as she watches the two of you going inside talking about what had happened with the both of you the last 5 years you had been away living in Florida while she was married to kayce finding out that they had divorced from your grandmother before you came back offering support to her if she was having a hard time from it but she actually looked relieved by it.You noticed her looking at you like she had something on her mind "What do you think of me?" you shake your head "You're kind,you're hardworking,you always let people you care about know they are loved,you always help others whenever you can,you make sure your son has everything he needs,you don't let anyone run over you,and you're a wonderful,beautiful,rare human being" you sit beside each other looking at the sun while tate was watching tv "I just feel bad...I cared about him but...not in the way I should have despite us having tate" you put your hand on her back rubbing it softly "What do you think of me then?" she looks at you showing a fond look"You always make people smile,everytime you walk in the room it lights up,you never mind stopping what you're doing to help others,you always give any advice you can to people,you accept others with open arms,and...I love you" she grabs your face leaning in slowly until your lips touch "I want this with you from this moment on it's us together" you kiss each again going in and watching movies with tate until he was asleep tucking him In bed together going to her room and showing how much you loved each other sleeping in each other's arms hours later.

[sayitaliano]

what’s the culture around disabilities and mental illnesses or disorders like in Italy? Like, socially is it acceptable or is it still taboo to talk about?

Let's say that the intentions are there, especially for physical disabilities, but we tend to hinder ourselves when it comes to put them into practice. The many architectural barriers we find around (eg. the lack in some train stations/public offices/sidewalks of working elevators and ramps) are a symbol to this, as the fact that many tend to not think about others' possible problems that much, unless you make them notice or it touches them in first person (not sure this is just our problem though).

Anyway... we lack the knowledge and understanding about mental issues, and often those suffering them are stigmatized or made neglecting their needs (it was/is uncommon, sadly, to hear people telling to someone suffering from depression, for example, to just get up and move on, cause "it's nothing/it will pass" or anything similar, as if it was laziness. We lack the knowledge that makes you go "Oh wait, maybe there's an hidden/mental/emotional important reason for this behaviour in that person, and it'd be good and right to help them find it out").

I think this partially originates from the fact that what were commonly called "manicomi" (or ospedali psichiatrici = psychiatric hospitals) in which people with different degrees of mental problems were cured or interned, were actually publicy/commonly seen as places for only crazy and dangerous people. In fact, especially many elders, cannot see (=don't really know there's) a difference between a psychiatrist, a psychologist or a therapist: generally if you need any of them, you are crazy (and even possibly dangerous) or you just have a not well-working mind and "it's scary". Again, this is because we lack the correct knowledge about mental issues and what they are about and how many different shades of them there are. And our Sanitary System doesn't help very much in this either (despite I think they were discussing a bonus for mental health not long ago? But it was just a random news, I have personally heard anything new on that).

Many schools and workplaces as well, do not even consider offering a psychological support for students and workers. You need to pay for it yourself (many renounce cause of the costs too ofc). Workers that give signs of huge distress are left at home (as far as I know, I might be wrong on this), not sure if all the companies or company's doctors may send you to a psychologist or something (again I'm not well aware of how things are now). As for schools... actually in my high school there was a small box in which to leave a letter for a psychologist but it didn't last much. I think either cause students feared being seen and judged while leaving their letter (so they rarely did that) or because it mostly felt like writing to Santa in wait for an help that we all doubted it could actually arrive (note: I'm old, so it probably was only one of the first tries ever). On the other hand, teachers and professors, even kindergarten ones that should help parents in discovering possible problems in kids, aren't formed well enough when it comes to deal with students' mental problems of every type. They have to rely on their empathy, but at times even those who may realize something tend to pretend they don't because they may fear overreactions (even abuse or more dangerous ones) from students: again something they're not prepared to deal with. One of my friends does service in a school (before/after). She followed a course on mental health but still she often messages me about not being really sure on how to deal with certain guys (and I'd say ofc, as everyone acts and reacts differently according on many different variables and those courses are not enough imo to prepare people for any type of situations... they just give you general rules, but general doesn't work for personal).

So in conclusion, there are basically no funds and even less preparation (and a little doctors/professional figures). I don't think it's taboo to talk about it, but it's just that... it's not a real problem, unless it's evident in the eyes of everyone, unless the person does somethinig "crazy" compared to society's norms (when it's indeed society the one making you develop problems in first place and stigmatizing you and isolating you -so yeah, many don't talk about it in fear of being judged as crazy and isolated maybe... so yeah in this sense it's a taboo especially for some people/in some areas, true-). And people that have mental issues are hardly helped, also cause doctors as well often do not have the correct support to do their job properly. After the pandemic I have notice people starting to talk about mental health much more often even on TV, trying to bring more awarness also about the different professional figures; I also noticed a bit more opennes in its regard, but it's again what I mentioned before: we're good or trying in theory, but when it comes to practice...

I'm leaving you a couple of articles. The first one (2020) is not for free, except for a couple of lines. The second (2019) is for free, and I think you can get the most of it despite the level of knowledge you have of Italian language (just ask if you want me to translate something)

[frostfall-matches]

[ matchmaking... ]

@shadow-wolf-03​ : [ match report ready ]​

your runner up...

✦ Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd

Honestly, there are times here and there where you really remind him of Felix! That endears you to him, because he’s still rather fond of Felix even if Felix struggles with accepting Dimitri. And, of course, you’re not the same person (Felix’s default seems to be meaner and more distant, for starters), but Dimitri would easily be able to take your initial standoffish demeanor in stride. His people skills are fine, and above all he’s polite; he’ll default to basic small talk during your first few encounters, which may or may not be met with much response. Definitely a bit awkward! But he’s also comfortable with silence after greeting you, whereas you might try to start filling the silence by rambling about something - and he would gladly take whatever conversation bait might be there!

Your 8w7 enneagram type would actually be really helpful in general when it comes to interacting with Dimitri, both in a personal and professional sense. Your type suggests that you have direct communication, that you think practically and creatively, and you’re generally interested in keeping yourself and your loved ones safe by being able to keep control over a situation. Dimitri really craves people being honest and frank with him (while also not being too tactless or cruel), and his motivations align well with protecting other people. And, at the same time, the 7 wing for your type suggests you are someone who values new experiences and making an effort to live life to the fullest, whatever your definition of that may be. Dimitri would do well with someone that is a bit more on the lively side, it helps ground him and remind him that there will always be something to look forward to.

Compared to Claude, a relationship with Dimitri would be calmer, more low-key, a little sweeter. Dimitri feels deeply and holds a lot of love for his friends and partner. There are rare occasions where he affectionately teases you, such as when you indulge your sweet tooth or if you tell him some sort of lame joke. But above all, he’s genuine and honest and sweet. He’s straightforward with his affection. There are times where he’s a little shy when expressing his affection for you, and times where he’s more bold - it depends on his mood and the atmosphere! It’s pretty easy to fluster him or catch him off guard in a way that leaves his heart pounding, and he tends to flounder a bit when returning the love and affection. However, if he’s calm and comfortable and the two of you are in private, he’s actually pretty bold! He’s definitely a bit verbally affectionate (hello, him calling Byleth beloved in their paired ending), and is comfortable with physical affection. He seems a bit touch-starved.

Sometimes he pulls back when he’s struggling with his past and trauma. Dimitri will not burden you with his issues, at least not with those issues, though it’s a bit hypocritical of him because he’d prefer if you allowed yourself to be open and vulnerable if you’re struggling with something. He won’t ever push you to open up, but he will make sure that you know that he is here to listen without judgment and offer you support. Dimitri is pretty self-critical himself, which compounds with his survivor’s guilt; he might not be able to offer much advice when you struggle with perfectionism and being too self-critical, but he will be able to relate and understand where you’re coming from. That being said, he won’t let you off too easily if you get frustrated and give up on something too quickly! He knows that you can figure out how to achieve what you want, you just need to give it another shot.

That being said, he does get a bit frustrated by your go-to coping mechanism of avoiding the topic and laughing things off, playing your problems off as no big deal. Dimitri won’t outright say that this bothers him unless you ask; and he will be honest with you if you do. He knows he’s not necessarily in a place to critique others’ coping mechanisms, but he can’t help but feel troubled when he knows that his loved one is avoiding addressing their problems or processing any negative emotions that result from the problem.

Dimitri is absolutely the more responsible and restrained out of the two of you… meaning you are more likely to let loose. But please, don’t go too wild when you come up with some crazy plan or idea, he is begging you! He will try and talk you down from the ones that seem a little too reckless or troublesome, and he will sigh and wearily let you do what you wish if it’s a more tame idea that you want to try out. If you land yourself into trouble or get hurt, he will begrudgingly help you out, but he will give you a mild scolding. But, honestly, it’s kind of cute when his eyebrows furrow when he’s telling you to be more careful and to take better care of yourself.

When it comes to your more active hobbies such as exercising or playing a type of ball sport, Dimitri would actually really like to partake in those activities with you! It’s good to stay active as a knight in training (and later a fully fledged knight, soldier, leader, etc.), he likes being able to stay in shape and have fun with it. At first, he will be a little hesitant to get too competitive because he has difficulty keeping his own strength in check. If he’s not careful, he will accidentally hurt you, and then he’d just feel awful and avoid exercising or playing sports with you for a while… Though if he does hurt you, he will do his utmost to care for you! It’s different, seeing him in a caretaker role like that! But the more you two spend this time together, the more comfortable he gets with how you play off of each other! He still has to watch his strength, but he doesn’t have to worry about constantly monitoring himself and you.

He doesn’t have a strong interest in debating as a hobby (though he has no problem negotiating if it’s for official kingdom business), so you’d probably have to engage in that hobby with other friends. However, Dimitri does admire your willingness to entertain and initiate these debates; he finds security in your quick thinking and your willingness to examine an issue from multiple perspectives. In fact, he’d likely turn to you for your opinion on strategic or political matters, and he would greatly appreciate any input you had on the subject at hand.

[rotblume]

Well, it definitively tells me, that society hasn't understood the concept of disabiltiy. I have heard and read it explained like this only rarely, but fact is there are cases when it goes like this:

Menschen sind nicht behindert. = People are not disabled.

Menschen werden behindert. = People are being disabled.

... cases, where people, once they get the support, the treatment & resources they need, can still lead a life they actually want to live, where the good may even outweigh the bad, where they feel as content as possible (- at least much happier than they would without having this, because then they would struggle much more (with the most intentionally simplistic example I can think of for this being glasses .. like I can see maybe 15-20 cm without mine, that's about 7 inches, and everything beyond that is a blur).

Now, of course I get that society obviously isn't the only problem if your body &/ mind can't do certain things you need them to or will do certain things you don't want them to. I am not saying that any and all sorts of help would completely compensate for that or would be equal to a healthy body &/ mind. There are things disabled people simply cannot do or are suffering from, which would probably the case even with the technology and medicine from 2050 or 2100, despite all the progress there is and hopefully will be.

However, I'm talking about awareness and acceptance first and foremost, about the fact there should be much more actual thinking and doing when it comes to inclusion, because most barriers are created by society, by humans not planning ahead (or really simply not knowing better, because no one is all-knowing and some things you can never understand unless you have gone through them and even then every experience is different), and there are in fact lots of accomodations that would provide accessibilty for many disabled people, but which are just not implemented &/ need to be fought for with tooth and nail by those people already suffering and oftentimes lacking the energy (or money) to do so.

If you have difficulty walking, how about there were options where you wouldn't have to, such as elevators at least to public buildings and the darn doctors offices and such? If you are visually / hearing impaired, how about you'd get visual & hearing aids.

Also, how about, additionally to having at least one free first-aid course at some point in school, there were courses offered for learning Sign language and the like. Usually there's a shit ton of other more useless after-school activities available, though I recognize that there might be the problem of getting something like that organized and the ressources for it.

But in so many cases, it'd be so easy to just tear down the barriers disabling people and include them into society, make them matter. So many more jobs could be done with flexible working hours or from home (if both parties agree) or in shorter shifts, a bit more spread over the day, making work less taxing for the disabled, offering a job at all for more people, and making the service provided available for longer hours, so even people like single-parents raising their children or family member caring for relatives would have more flexibility.

Society is inhumane, it always has been, it always will be, because humans are inhumane. There are so many solutions for so many problems availble but humanity refuses to implement them.

In my case, it also definitively doesn't help that I've seen society treat my Ma awful because of her Multiple Sclerosis when I was growing up, nor does it help that I myself am having an invisible disabiltiy as well, only having been diagnosed after years of suffering from it and living with being mis-diagnosed and non-diagnosed (because I'm so young, I couldn't possible have anything truly serious, and if it doesn't show on the first blood works and pictures it must obviously all be in my head - not for the first time either, there were similar situations beforehand where I had to insist and still wait months for special appointments and examinations) and getting the looks and whispers and wondering what the hell was wrong with me, because there was something horribly wrong but no one could sufficiently tell me what it was and towards the end of the whole process, just before my diagnosis, I did start to doubt myself and feel terribly hopeless. Even now, living with that diagnosis for a handful years and even more confident in trusting my body when it tells me there's something wrong (though I do hate that it happens so often), I still get hardly any accomodation at all.

so... if most of the disabled community experience some sort of imposter syndrome or doubt about their disability, i wonder what that says about society?

[insert some deep meaning i don't have the spoons to write out]

[autoversemobility]

How to Find the Best Car Parts Online: The Complete Guide

A wide variety of floor mats and exhaust mats are available as auto components and accessories. Knowing precisely which part you need is essential, even if you have a rudimentary understanding of auto maintenance. Make sure you know the exact measurements of the part you're buying before you buy it. You definitely don't want to order the wrong component.

Review Stores:

A number of vendors have their wares available on the internet marketplace. As a result of the intense competition, prices have dropped. There are so many alternatives out there, which is great for consumers but may sometimes be overwhelming. Thanks to a plethora of internet comparison tools, it's simple to look at different stores and their costs.

Evaluate Available Options:

If you need to purchase many components, it's wise to choose online car parts store that has a diverse selection. You should always do your shopping from a source with a large selection, even if you're just purchasing a single item.

Website quality evaluation:

There are too many car parts and accessories. Find the right one on a website with easy navigation. A well-designed website should let you find the component with a few clicks. But a well-designed website might spoil the experience. Avoid poor websites at all costs.

Assess Past Buyer Experiences:

If you want to buy online, one of the best things you can do is read reviews written by actual customers. To evaluate a provider's goods and services, read reviews written by previous clients. Ensure that the reviews come across as authentic.

Locate Sales and Special Offers:

Shoppers may take advantage of incredible bargains when they purchase online. Online stores typically have lower costs than brick-and-mortar stores since they do not have to pay to operate a physical location. Therefore, car parts providers also provide sales and discounts, similar to any other online car parts store. Parts geek is a great place to get accessories and components at low prices.

Prompt Delivery and Return Policy:

A provider who takes months to supply an auto component is not a good choice if you need it immediately. When shopping for car components, quick shipping is a valuable extra feature to look for. Just to be extra cautious, you should also look at the store's policy on returns and exchanges.

Evaluate Support Quality:

Earlier, we said that it might be tough to find specialised vehicle components. You may be looking for a unique component for your classic vehicle. Try to choose online car parts store that has reliable customer service. A well-versed customer support representative may assist you in locating and purchasing a rare car component if you need help with doing so on the internet.

Flexible Payment Methods:

Before you buy anything online, be sure you know all of the available payment methods. You would hate to locate the product and then discover that the vendor doesn't accept your chosen method of payment.

Conclusion:

Compared to traditional auto parts retailers, shopping for auto parts online has numerous advantages. Buying car components online may be a huge time and money saver. The internet is rife with places selling car components. Interestingly, not all of them provide high-quality service. If you want the greatest deal from an online auto parts retailer, you need to know how to buy online smarter. It is crucial to select an online car parts store that will be available throughout the entire process, from purchasing the actual repair of your vehicle.