#how can i sleep now with this on my mind
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holding onto his tiny waist while fucking him with your strap AAAAH
doing work on your laptop and making him sit between your legs, sucking on your strap and drooling around it, looking up at you with droopy eyes 🤭 - 🎀
omg…him just sucking on it to train himself and mould his throat to it so he can make it pretty for you and take it well when you’re actually doing it properly, like before you fuck him. just to hear your praises, hear you tell him what a good little slutty pup he is taking the strap deep but he gets ahead of himself trying go keep it down. and he stays there with his nose brushing your tummy for a few seconds but then he gags and pulls off and there s so much spit still connecting him to it…the tears in his eyes not even from the gagging and lack of air but because he’s disappointed in himself…or because he knows he could get punished. fuck slapping him in the face because he gags on the strap, grabbing him tight by the cheeks squeezing them together oh god…imagine him cumming just from sucking it, he’s on he’s on the bed with his legs tucked under himself, thighs stuck together and his cock between them and he subconsciously starts squeezing them together to apply pressure there and he cums without even realizing how he got there. he’d be so embarrassed ugh…
#asks#🎀 anon#sub!alex#ramblings#i was about to go to sleep#how can i sleep now with this on my mind#blurb#ish
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I bring to thee some quick late night Viktuuri sketches because I think we could all use some fluff
#some viktuuri for the soul!#my blorbos are always in my mind even if im not creating for them in that moment#they never leave <3#their eepy leepiness is a reflection of moi and i love their eepy leepiness for them i hope theyre getting some great naps#just some calm and quiet#love that for them#also this isnt the first time i draw in like two months what are you talking about?#the last art i posted totally wasnt from the 14th of march shhhhh the date on the post is definitely wrong source trust me#no but like i have been so dead for months#dont expect to see much art from me before july when my break starts and i can stop being stressed out of my mind#now i can be one of those tortured artist types except i havent done any art to communicate how sad i am#tbh im just tired i just wanna sleep#am i gonna? youre funny of course not but now i can at least pretend my awake time was vaguely productive#yuri on ice#yuri on ice fanart#fanart#art#arom antix art#arom antix#viktor nikiforov#kastuki yuuri#viktuuri
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#a doodley#okkk 2022: the torture chamber....i only sparsely drew al and developed talon (he was borned...) bc my mind was occupied with other things.#2023: exiting torture chamber; it took me a tiny little bit to get back to drawing and ''interacting with'' al again but i did it even#though it was a reminder of the Bad bc he's my copium#summer 2023: i view and witness media and suddenly have like 5 fictional men i cant decide on which to focus... and september (talon month)#comes along so I decide to focus on Talon after not touching him much at all throughout the entire year#(forced this btw i did not wanna do it LOL i didnt even remember how to draw him)#september 2023 to now: talon has infiltrated the brain. but i want to swivel back to al#now: i've forgotten how to Talk to al (just like i did in beginning of 2023)#(and just like i forgot how to talk to talon for most of 2023)#so ive kind of just been replaying the smunker cow al daydreams from when they first met#so I can find my way back...retracing my steps#in doing so ive kind of also forgotten how to interact with talon but still havent gotten back to al#so rn my life is so boring without imaginary bf interactions. just the before sleep plot rehashing daydreams...#or sparse visions of em Sometimes#nobody in my brain rn just like the short period last yr and its distressing#what do i draw without a love obsession.....#how do i pass time without it....! so boring. idk what to do#i miss the me of several yrs ago when i was drawing 50 different aus with al....ive downgraded in skill and imagination and creativity#so bad since then. idk. idk. i hope they come back to me soon#maybe i shld just draw al a lot which is how i kickstarted caring abt talon again almost a yr ago ?#hoping i can get him to come back before my surgery i need my big sexy boy nurse for recovery#(complaining abt things usually fixes em for me so im hoping thats the case here)
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and stalling only goes so far when you've got a head start
#nobody talk to me i am so fucking IN AGONY#HEAD IN HANDS. AT LEAST SOME PEOPLE CAN BE HAPPY???????#jinx#jinx arcane#powder#powder arcane#arcane#arcane spoilers#im afraid i have to admit guys i just stopped watching after this episode. it was so fucking (bitter) sweet and by far the happiest#i've ever been post-arcane-episode#god!!!!!!! i don't want to ruin the high!!!! and i don't want to see everyone start fucking suffering for their lives again !!!!!#in my defense i finished at like 8 am after not sleeping all night so. i was also tired. but now after waking up#i just don't want to continue Even More o777#arcane season 2#arcane s2#arcane s2 spoilers#arcane season 2 spoilers#idk how fast people usually watch episodes so i'm mass tagging even more than usual#god fucking. aughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh#time taken on this like 3-4 hrs#in my current state of mind (completely off my rocker abt this show) i can probably fuel like Months worth of fanart#from just this one episode. sooooo what if i just never watched the rest fhhggggskfjnfnfnfndjsjd#nah i know i'm gonna end up watching it. eventually. soon probably but idk how soon. anyways. peace out guys. live laugh love 😭😭😭😭😭#my art#the funny thing about this is that i drew it facing the opposite way and then flipped it to check and never. flipped it back.#uhhhhh. don't worry about it
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[PUT INTO PLACE, TIED DOWN AND ARRANGED, AND IS NEVER THE SAME, AGAIN.]<-listen to my favorite songs. VAMPIRES ARE WONDERFUL ARENT THEY. THE FLESH IS SO MUCH MORE DURABLE. SO MUCH STRETCHIER THAN HUMANS. THE STRESS DOESNT KILL A VAMPIRE THE SAME WAY IT DOES A HUMAN. YOU CAN TAKE THEM APART THREAD BY THREAD AND LEAVE THEM WIDE AWAKE WITHOUT WORRY OF THE BRAINMATTER SPOILING UNDER VINEGARY AGONY.
#cw gore#WEEEE WHIPPING OUT ALL MY BELOVED PIXEL HORROR GAME SOUNDTRACKS FOR THIS ONE#STILL A WIP#SORTA. FORKSFORKSFORKS INSPIRED ME TO START WORKIN AT IT AGAIN. AND NOW IT LIVES. IT LIIIVEESS!!!#MOSLT.Y ATLEAST. I MIGHT MESS W IT MORE LATER. WE SHALL SEE. ANYWAY GABRIEL MONTEZ HUH. WOW POOR GUY#THERES A FASCINATING FEELING THAT COMES WITH BEING ON A OPERATING TABLE.AND BEING IN IMMENSE PAIN#ONE OF MY FONDEST MEMORIES IS LAYING ON A DENTIST CHAIR. SHAKING AND INVOLUNTARILY CRYING AFTER MANY MANY#NEEDLES TO MY THE MOUTH. I METABOLIZE THE NUMBING STUFF QUICKLY APPARENTLY. THEY NEEDED ALOT OF NUMBING SHOTS#BUT I WASNT AFRAID OR DISTRESSED. THE DENTIST WAS VERYVERY NICE AND ALSO UH. PRETTY. BUT THATS BESIDE THE POINT#THE POINT IS. THAT IT WAS FASCINATING TO REALIZE MY PHYSICAL RESPONSE TO PAIN UNDER A CONTROLLED ENVIRONMENT#I DIDNT KNOW HOW EASY IT WAS TO SHAKE AND TO CRY PRYVIOUS TO THAT EXPERIENCE.MY DENTAL ADVENTURES CONTINUE#THEY CONTINUE TO HELP ME UNDERSTAND WHAT ITS LIKE FOR PAIN TO BOIL AWAY THE TIME. TO DISTORT THE PASSING HOURS AND CONSUME EVERY THOUGHT#DO YOU REMEMBER PAIN? THE MOST SEVERE PAIN IN YOUR LIFE? NOW WILL YOU IMAGINE RED LIGHTS? RED LIGHTS AND SHIFTING FIGURES#NOW WILL YOU IMAGINE PAIN UNRELENTING.PAIN WORLD SHATTERING.PAIN IMMORTAL.CAN YOU IMAGINE BEING PULLED APART#THE HUMAN MIND CAN ONLY WITHSTAND SO MUCH PAIN BEFORE IT SHUTS DOWN AND HIDES.IT NEEDS TO PROTECT ITSELF AFTERALL. PAIN CAN ALTER#PAIN SHIFTS THE CHEMISTY OF THE MIND OF THE FLESH OF THE SOUL. FOR HUMANS ATLEAST. BUT YOU ARE NO LONGER HUMAN#YOU CHOSE OTHERWISE DIDNT YOU BOY.BECAUSE YOU WANTED MORE.STATUS.POWER.APPROVAL.SECURITY.SAFET.Y.#OHHH YOU CAN WITHSTAND THE PAIN FOR THAT. FOR ALL THAT. YOU WERENT TOLD THERE WOULD BE PAIN BUT YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WERE PROMISED.#ITS ALL WORTH IT IN THE END. NOW LETS JUST HOPE SOME BLONDE TWERP DOESNT PROVE TO BE STRONGER THAN THE STRONGEST PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE#LETS HOPE NO ONE FUCKS THIS UP. LETS HOPE NO ONE FUCKS THIS UP. I LOST MY TRAIN O THOUGHT#anyway dawww poorr gabeee that shit probably huuurrrrtttss but so much time has passed that your body got tired of screaming and squirming#why havnt you passed out yet? maybe you might as well have at this point. like sleeping with your eyes open and your nerves awake#OH HEY FUNFACT ABT THE ART. I FOUGHT W IT ALOT. TOOK A LONG WHILE FOR ME TO BE REMOTELY HAPPY W THIS.#i was thinking abt pixel horror video games when i made it.just as i do with all great things ofc ofc#i love you pixel horror game i love yooouuuuu.i struggled so much w the colors for so LONNGG UHGHGHGH but im finally happy...im finally fre
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🫠
#rrrrrrrrrrgggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh#was less than perfectly verbose at work and now i feel evil and useless you know how it is#never mind that i am sleep deprived and have low level pain i need to be held to the same standard as always (says my brain) 😭#sorry just have to shout it into a bottle and throw it into the sea and now i can let it go and be me again
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concept: unromanced eleanor as drifter's romantic advisor and wingwoman. how successful she actually is at this depends on how serious she's feeling.
#ni blabs#warframe#warframe spoilers#warframe 1999#eleanor nightingale#[lettie is letting you hold a rat. as far as i'm concerned you two are basically engaged now.]#[that radio thing- somachord. see if you can't bring that back for aoi. listen to something with her.#because honestly if i have to hear her loop that boyband song through her mind one more time-]#[...what? don't look to me for advice on talking games with amir.#just because i can read his mind doesn't mean i understand what an iframe is.]#[...maybe if you pretend that you don't know what a gun is hard enough quincy'll do that thing where he stands behind you#while teaching you how to shoot? i don't know i'm just spitballing here.]#[good luck trying to get my brother to focus on anything but all the impending doom. you're going to need it.]#idk if any of this is super ooc for her it's 4 in the morning#...i need to stop making these posts during the witching hour and get more sleep#tumblr WHY are you fucking up my tags.#fine i won't use quotation marks. Are You Happy Now.
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oh, i figured out aya's skill.
#bsd#bungou stray dogs#bsd aya#ngl this like is making me lose my mind because she's had one this entire time#and it's so fucking obvious in retrospect#but was like. was introduced. slowly. it was not really obvious at first. but you can look back and see how it's present even in the ova.#anyway i don't mean to tease but i wrote out about a third of the theory and then started cracking open other parts of the story with sarah#and now i'm exhausted so i'm going to sleep#but i am certain. like there is no doubt in my mind. that i know what aya's skill is. it fits textually and metatextually#and explains a cryptic comment asagiri made in an interview.#where he said watch aya. like. most of what's been incredible has been obvious.#but no. you can see her skill. and it's SUCH a love letter to aya koda.#in a way i was worried he wouldn't pull off. because it felt like her skill was going to manifest from the stress. and it would be like op.#which isn't. who she was. she was a subtler sort of brilliant. one who exemplified virtue. and this skill is so. it's so good. it's fitting#it also explains akutagawa's dragon outfit.#like. there are a lot of theories i've had that are theories. this is not one of them. we might get the confirmation next chapter.#unfortunately i will need to lay out some confucian concepts for it to make sense. hence why i'm saving this for later. but i'm.#asagiri is insane i want to pick his brain and also follow him around like mary magdalene and learn from him.
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insomnia? do u mean my true crime podcast time
#u know bc now I can convince my brain I slept a little bc I had my eyes closed for like 2h while listening to it#it’s like u can almost gaslight it into thinking that that podcast was actually dreaming bc we for sure were asleep yes#also this sucks bc it’s ahead of its schedule; I can’t sleep during summers so like what is this then#the climate change is affecting my insomnia cycle damnit#real unfortunate tho if it keeps going for longer (just been like 2ish weeks now) bc I got a thesis plus other shit to do#(also to anyone who’s unclear on the subject; yes I have slept during these 2ish weeks I'm not dying i'm just hella tired bc it’s not good#refreshing long sleeps bc mf it takes like 5 hours to fall asleep)#(except today bc it’s 7am and I’m giving up on it & hopefully will have a nap sometime during the day idk)#(im tired and getting increasingly more stressed abt becoming more tired and then not having the energy to do things that I fully neeed to#get done and how the stress just yes helps ah nice)#(sorry for ranting in thr tags; weird state of mind here bc of aforementioned)#march 2024#2024
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since more of like the class swap etc started going up every once in a while there will be a question in my inbox that would take me literally multiple comics' worth of art to answer adequately lol. and I don't wanna do that under an ask I want that to have its own space! so if I don't answer ur question know that it's probably that^ above there and not that I think ur question sucks
#not art#I know I got a weird way of going about this stuff but that's me babeyy and it's my house <3#example of this that already happened on the blog is when someone asked abt pretty much just All of class swap baron#and I was like. well I'm gonna like draw that and make comics and stuff lol#I don't think I can draw like a hard line around what I'll reserve for writing about and what I'll answer in an ask etc#bc like I'm cool with talking abt the general concept and arcs I have in mind for the bad kids/player characters#and abt like the process of figuring it out and bouncing ideas off of folks#but there's a point above that where if u get to it's just. I might as well send u a lore bible or recreate the whole show for u ykwim#so yeah this is just to let u know that Im not like spiting u personally if ur question doesnt get answered#(would be a weird thing for me to do regardless tbh!)#honestly pat urself on the back lol u've hit a jackpot on subjects I Want to get to in the form of art and/or writing#I'm not an idea guy! I'm a guy who makes comics and stuff. that's how I'm approaching this (and everything else really) u get me#cool! cool. I sleep now hopefully. have a good night lads
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just being delusional
BUT! imagine that maybe Flash is still after Carnage and now it's with Eddie but he doesn't know it yet.
Flash really took care of Dylan, but the boy is very depressed about the separation from Venom. The child does not know when he will see his parents again, and that's worrying Flash, in a way. But Flash is also looking for clues about the Other and Eddie — unaware of his involvement with Carnage — but he's on the right track.
At some point these paths may meet. Perhaps the Other and its new host help each other in some way, and the symbiote is looking for Eddie as well.
Maybe all these paths are interconnected and at some point, everything will make sense.
Flash finds Eddie and the symbiote. Dylan has a warm reunion with his parents. Maybe Carnage will go back to Cletus (come crawling back). and and maybe the new host gains a new symbiote (I mean, it's not hard to happen) and then everything is fine.
I don't know, I'm just thinking... It's not a big deal. It's not the best stuff I have.
#I have no idea how to tag here#Well this is the mind of someone who won't go to sleep anytime soon thinking about this#I may sound delusional now#but I think it's part of the process#flash deserves a new chance to shine#I'll keep pressing this button until I have some good flash stuff to enjoy.#otherwise... it's just a silly thought#my thoughts on this is that maybe flash can help#flash thompson#dylan brock#eddie brock#carnage symbiote#symbionte venom#venom war spoilers#venom war#venom comics#venom
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EVIE !!!!!
I SAW U USE MY ART AS UR THEME SO I WANNA DO A REMAKE !!! mostly cause the other one was full of mistaks hurrrrr orz
keeping the color palette the same so itd still fit + use softer shading so convey how soft u are + moze is now IN UR HAND !!!! >:3
oh nick :’)
#🐦⬛🐕 .#彡 cherishing.#彡 inbox.#彡 nick!#AAAJSNSNS i did my makeup in record time because i had to respond to this asap !! T T i have 25 tags left and so much to say so let’s see#how efficiently i can use my words to convey my gratitude !! T T im actually losing my mind at the addition of moze’s little hands .. i#i will get into that later …. i cannot believe u revamped it for me!!!! thank you nick ?!?! 🥹 i went to gaze 🔎 at the two!! though i think#both are so lovely — i love the curl to my hair !!! i sleep with my hair in those heatless curl rods — so they always tend to be wavier at#the bottom since the top comes loose — THOUGH ITS A RANDOM DETAIL AHAJJ I THOUGHT it looked so accurate !! >< U DID THE BOW EARRINGS UUURGH#i love drop earrings !!!!! and the bow matches with the big one — i noticed the bow & headband is a bit different!! I LOVE BOTH — omg and t#god im going to run out of tags - AND THE SLEEVE!!! ok i shouldn’t point out every difference akajjajaj i am just so excited looking at bot#of them!! I LOVE HOW YOU DRAW ME IM SO?? CAN I SAY THAT??? the little sparkle is spot on because !!! i am showing off mini moze!! to everyo#everyone* T T !!! HE IS SO PRECIOUS AHAHAJSN his gigantic hood … and his signature (ᓀ ᓀ) oh but he is so cute …. T T NICK YOU MAKE HIM LOOK#SO SQUISHABLE URK ITS SO SPOT ON . HIS SQUISHABLE-NESS REALLY SHINES IN YOUR AWESOME ART STYLE (i don’t think i have ever reblogged somethi#something* from you without mentioning your art style) HES SO TINY AAASJSN MY HEART FELT SO HAPPY SEEING HIS LITTLE HANDS …. HIS HANDS ARE#FHE SIZE OF MY EARRING 😭😭😭😭 oh my god i just noticed you gave him a little blush and i want to lock myself underground /pos HE IS SO CUTE#IN YOUR STYLE IUUUAGGHHHH IM IN SUCH AGONY /pos :’) oh i don’t think i will get over his little hands ISNSKDKX im feeling so violently#affectionate staring at it — THE WAY HE IS DRAPED OVER MY HAND IS SO SJSNDNCJ he is my …. most treasured little crow …. that i am showing#everyone with the happiest smile ever …. THANK YOU NICK ))): and the fact that you kept the colors for my theme is so ?!?! you are so thou#UGH TUMBLR — you are so thoughtful with all of your gifts towards your friends!! noting all the details and such ): oh i adore you ): u sai#softer shading to convey how soft i am but i have quite literally melted into a puddle of goo so now am i soft ?! i believe i am just a#puddle in the corner over there in the nick museum -> waiting to be mopped -> OH I LOVE THIS SO MUCH SOB THANK YOU ))): i was about to say#that i don’t even know what to say to convey my gratitude — but i have said something! just not enough to get out my feelings ^^; never eno#ALSO I LOVE HOW YOU DID MY LASHES AAHHHNXNX )): my eyes !!! your style !!! oh i am really in such agony /POS URGH AND I KEEP LOOKING AT HIS#LITTLE HANDS AND WANTING TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS BUNDLE OF VIOLENT AFFECTION I GET FROM IT T T HES SO TINY AJANSDto ruffle his hair with#the very tip of my pinkie … trembling trying not to knock him over ……. i must make him a little spot in my purse …. with little blankets to#keep him nice and cozy …. nick words cannot express my gratitude — thank you!!! both versions are so stunning 🥹 I REALLY APPRECIATE IT (<-#severe understatement) (the most severe understatement) your art is always so stunning#when im home i must come back and add some good reaction photos !!!! THANJ YOU SNIFFLE YOU ARE TOO KIND )))))):#similar to the first time u visited my inbox …. if I ever spot a kofianywhere 🔎🔎🔎🔎🔎👁️!!
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ohhh my friend came over and we somehow ended up watching the entirety of tpn season one and ray still makes me so fucking sick. im goig to tear apart steel beams with my teeth
#skye's ramblings#THOUGH IM ALSO JUMPING AROUND SOO FAST BC SHE LIKED IT. shes like my only irl friend shes known abt my illness since the start#i take my ray plushie when i sleep over at her house she calls him my little guy. i genuinely didnt think it'd interest her much#we were literally just bored and she randomly picked up v1. 2 pages in she was like 'oh this is really addicting can i borrow this'#FELT AUTUSM KICK INTO MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE. said we could watch the anime n after ep1 she was like oh this is really good#cant describe how much i am jumping off tge walls in my mind. shes never been able to get into anime till now. i think i just won at autism#of course w the excitement comes escape arc ray once again hitting my brain with hammers god i love him so fucking much guys. i'm nauseous#it'll be 3 years since my first watch soon btw i wonder if ray emotions will ever stop making me physically ill. ifuckng love yuou raaay...
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Model Law x Firefighter Luffy x Police Zoro in an au where one of Luffy's co-workers is seriously injured in a fire that later turns out to be linked to another incident from a few months ago and then another and another. Zoro, Luffy's partner whos a cop, tells him to stay out of this, that everything is much deeper than it seems and that it could end very badly for them, Luffy and those around him. But of course Luffy is NOT about to just let it be.
Serial fires that have so far killed more than thirty people and injured hundreds, mainly because one of these fires happened in a factory that exploded and injured and killed not only the workers, but also many passers-by and neighbors, are not something Luffy can just let be. Zoro has little to do but accept that his boyfriend just won't let this go, so the next thing he knows he's sharing with Luffy all the evidence that has been collected so far that points to the Donquixote Group as the biggest suspect of th incidents of 'industrial sabotage'.
Luffy unfortunately can't keep his mouth shut to save his life, so suddenly the whole 'gang' knows about it and, through Nami, they discover a very good chance to collect evidence. Annually the Donquixote Group hosts a charity ball that invites 'the whole' city and by whole city, she means the entire upper class of the city. Luckily for them, her girlfriend, Vivi, can definitely help them get into the ball without a hitch. Then, all they have to do is go through security and get to the president's office and look for possible evidence. Which, in Zoro's opinion, is a terrible plan, but Luffy's terrible ideas usually work out, so they go with it. And it definitely works. Vivi easily takes them to the ball and, in the confusion of Straw Hats causing chaos among the big shots of GrandLine City
Luffy and Zoro slip through security and find their way to the Donquixote group CEO's office and that's where their luck ends. Or not. Not even five minutes after they begin to search the room, the door is opened and a pair of golden eyes stare unimpressed at them. The door is instantly closed, and before long, they hear voices outside, one of them being undoubtedly those of the owner of the room in question, Donquixote Doflamingo. Luffy and Zoro, practically frozen, simply look at the closed door in anxious anticipation as if at any moment Doflamingo would break down the door and set them on fire. He doesn't and soon the voices drift away. After that Luffy and Zoro are quick to continue the search, despite the scare, and unfortunately, they do not find anything of value to the investigation.
They are quick to leave after that, taking with them the straw hats that served as incredible distractions. Back at square one, they meet again at Luffy's house trying to plan their next step. But their little evil-combating meeeting is interrupted by a surprise visitor. Outside the house, standing at the top of the stairs, dressed in expensive clothes and looking fabulous, Trafalgar Law, the super model who is the face of the Donquixote Group all around the globe, the owner of impassive golden eyes, offers a deal.
#now do NOT ask me why doffy didnt lock his office hes dumb(im dumb#anyways omg cop zoro :O#but also omfg top model law :OOOO#zolu gets a new bf at some point dont ask where#zolu#:D#but also#lawlu#lulaw#BUT ALSO FUCKING#zolaw#and most important#zolulaw#i was hearing 'coicidence' by rosse and started thinking about how it could be law#bc everything can be law in my mind#but basically#doffy made law an extremely famous model bc hes pretty as fuck duh are you blind#but doffy is still a piece of shit so law really wants to kick his ass lol#also hes mad that people think he's sleeping his way through fame with doffy#even more angry because doffy NEVER corrected those rumors#he sure made his way to fame because of doffy but it sure wasn't by sleeping with him#I don't blame him#I'd be pissed too if someone said I was sleeping with Doffy#he gross ew#rosi >>>>>>>#anyway now law will join luffy and zoro#and hopefully guide them with better plans that don't involve breaking into offices#which anyone else can get in at any moment#no for real what are they thinking#i dont think they did think at all ngl
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...
#i walked into a situation today where my mom was effectively already dead. effectively bc her body was and is still alive. still breathing#painful groaning purrs. but her mind was gone yesterday. my dad said he showed her a picture of the mountains i took that day and told her#i loved her and she smiled. thats what he said. maybe he was just being nice. or maybe thats the last time she thought of me. i dunno. but#the human body is an incredible thing. shes got a heart still powering a broken body. too full of tumors to function anymore. stomach#streched like a pregnant mother. it happed really fast and now its happening very slow#im somehow probably better off than the rest of them. i only got here for the aftermath of a downslide. my daily life will b least effected#i only really saw her twice a year living so far away and she didnt text much. didnt call often. so life wont change much ill just kno shes#not there. which is sad. but theres nothing to b done abt it. life goes on. it hasnt been all bad tho. its nice to talk to my family abt her#how incredible she was. bc she was. wish her mom wasnt here tho. she doesn't deserve to b here. my mom wouldnt want her here. she didnt want#her here. but anyway. i wish her body would just let her go now. so we can sleep. so this can be over. so she can rest#but even like this shes stubborn and resilient. they say it could go on for days but i hope not. may the universe let her rest shes gotta b#so tired after 10 years of this. but i have no regrets. she knew how i felt abt her. and i dont think she had regrets either. she did so#much up to the very end. went out on a high note without the burdon of knowing it was coming#i dunno. its just such a strange experience to watch the empty shell of your mother sleeping like a gurgling baby#unrelated
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When it comes to hygiene tasks and self care with disability and chronic illness, its pretty much a constant case of: don't let perfect be the enemy of the good.
Basically: it's better to do something, than to do nothing at all.
TLDR: Just because you can't do something "properly" doesn't mean you shouldn't do it at all. Do it half-way. Do it shitty. Do it barely. Do it on a technicality. But do what you can. Just try, because doing something will help you.
If you don't have the energy to scrub your body with a sponge, just rub soap over your skin with your hands.
If you don't have the energy to wash your whole body with soap, just hit the places where sweat accumulates, or where you're smelliest.
If you don't have the energy to wash with soap AT ALL, just sitting in water is better than nothing. It will wash away dirt and oils.
If you can't bathe or shower at all, a warm wash cloth is your new best friend. If that's too much, then try bath wipes. They're a bit bigger than regular wet wipes, and a bit more heavy duty. They're designed to help keep bed ridden patients clean in hospitals.
If you don't have the energy to dry yourself after a bath or a shower, just put on a bathrobe and get into bed. If you don't have the energy to get dressed afterwards, just don't. It can wait until you can.
If you don't have energy to brush your teeth for two minutes, honestly, just a cursory scrub is better than not doing anything.
If you can't brush your teeth twice a day, brush in the evenings. It will help take away the build up of food from the day.
If you don't have the energy to brush AT ALL, honestly, just take a cloth and wipe the plaque off your teeth. Rinse with mouth wash after if you'd like. Something is always better than nothing.
If you can't floss twice a day. Try once. If that's too much, try a few times a week. If that's too much, try setting aside a day once a week as a goal. If you can't keep a schedule, do it when you're able to. Hell, I keep some floss next to my bed so that if I forget and don't have the energy to go get it, I can just reach over.
If you can't iron your clothes, don't bother. Wrinkles are fine. Wear jumpers over wrinkly t-shirts. No one will know, and honestly, most people won't even care. If it's really wrinkly and it's A Big Deal And It Needs To Be Ironed, here's my life hack. Step 1: take a spray bottle, and spritz the item of clothing (while you're wearing it is easiest) until it's lightly damp. Step 2: use a hair-dryer on the clothes until they're dry. It gets rid of creases like nobody's business, it's easier than lugging out the iron and ironing board, and you get to have nice toasty warm clothes afterwards.
If you can't fold your clothes, try just hanging them up. It's less commitment. It's quicker to do. Granted, you need to have the space in order to do this, but it is also good at helping you downsize, and lets you visualise exactly what you have.
If you can't put your clothes away, invest in a couple of laundry baskets, and then just keep your clean clothes in the baskets. You can then separate washed clothes into underwear, pants, and shirts baskets. You can just leave them like that. I'm giving you permission to never fold your laundry again if you can't. Just leave it unfolded. Who's going to care? Something is better than nothing. If you can, try to put those baskets into your closet so that you can keep the clutter out of sight, and give yourself a more restful environment.
If you can't separate your clothing out into different categories and wash them "properly" (whites, warm tones, cool tones, darks, delicates / switching between hot & cold washes / paying attention to laundry instructions on the label) then just don't worry about it. If you cold wash your clothes, colours won't bleed. Maybe gradually over the course of dozens of washes there'll be some changes in hue, but it's really not as high stakes as the One Red Sock In The Whites Turns Them Pink trope makes it out to be.
I've pretty much come to the point in my life where if a piece of clothing can't survive the washer and dryer, then it's just not meant to be. I colour separate my clothes, and if I have the energy/remember I'll take my bras and jumpers out of the washing machine to drip dry. But otherwise, I leave it to the universe.
If you can't separate out your recycling, then don't. If you have a large amount of rubbish you need to get rid of but the idea of separating it out properly is stopping you from doing so, then just don't worry about it. I know it's not ideal, but if you have garbage in your room/house and you need to get rid of it, please just get rid of it. Don't let the problem get bigger and harder to deal with. Don't let "doing something properly" get in the way of keeping your living spaces clean. Please. Give yourself understanding.
If you can't wash your dishes, get paper plates. Obviously, it's not ideal, but it is better that you eat food than skipping meals. It is better that you have a clean kitchen, rather than having dishes piling up and making it harder to look after yourself.
If you can't prepare meals for yourself keep making the tasks easier and easier. If you can't do recipes, then simplify. Use pasta sauce from the jar instead of making it. Eat canned soup. Buy food you can just stick in the oven. If you eat fish fingers and microwave veggies every night, it's better than not eating anything at all. It's better than having to fork out money on take-out. If you need ready-made meals, then get them. If you're literally just eating a raw cauliflower for dinner; 1) I see you, 2) me too, sis, 3) something is better than nothing.
These are the basic things you need to do every day to function as a person. They are your activities of daily living. Brushing your teeth. Bathing or showering. Using the bathroom. Getting dressed. Eating. Drinking. Sleeping. Keeping your environment clean. You don't need to do these things perfectly, but they need to happen in order for you to have a decent quality of life.
And it breaks my heart, because I know that so many disabled people can't do these things every day. I'm not saying this to guilt or judge, I'm saying that these are basic needs; you deserve these things. These things bring dignity. If a disabled person is unable to do these things, it diminishes their quality of life. It robs them of dignity.
If you need help to do these things, Its okay to ask for help. It's okay to need help. But if you can't get that help and you have to do these things by yourself -- or you just plain want to be independent and do it without help-- then don't hold yourself to standards you can't meet.
Don't let perfect be the enemy of the good. Doing something is always better than doing nothing. Even if it's not perfect. Even if it's not done well. Do what you can.
#lord knows that im still trying to pull myself out of the muck and into independence and dignity#i had to set a rule for myself that i need to wear clean clothes every day. and that i need to wear pyjamas to bed#that one's been hard. sometimes I dont have the energy to do it and i just stay in the same clothes for two days at a time#or i go to sleep in what i was wearing. but when i do follow that rule my quality of life is drastically better#not feeling dirty or gross goes a long way to making you feel more like a person#i also made a rule that im not allowing myself to look frumpy outside anymore. that means clothes that look nice#no more trackies and pj pants and all that stuff. i basically lived in perpetual pyjamas for four years and im over it#i still dress comfortably but the important thing is that i dress. i look put together. i wear things that make me happy#(and i didnt need to buy anything to do so. i just needed to start taking better care of myself)#and i stopped letting perfect be the enemy of the good. i started doing things shitty rather than not doing it at all#and the more i keep pushing with my ADLs the better i feel#what helps is now i dont have to contend with stairs and that has made a dramatic change to what im able to accomplish#ive also finally built up enough strength in my body that im able to go to the shops by myself. so i can buy things to make easy meals#and mum doesnt mind if i just put some things in the oven or air fryer for us for dinner.#i still cant really cook. i felt bad about that for the longest time. i didnt even try bc i knew what id make would be disappointing#or it wouldnt be up to the standards of what everyone else was making. i was so sick of feeling like a let down all the time.#now i just make what i can and my mum doesnt complain bc shes in the same boat.#and yeah. having help would be nice. it would mean id be able to do more than what i can do by myself.#and its great to see how far ive come. but im not a burden. and when i have the accommodations i need i can do a lot more#i do something rather than nothing and my life has dramatically changed since then. ive just gotten better and better.#chronic illness#disability#chronic pain#spoonie#one things for certain and thats that im never going to let myself rely on anyone else ever again.#i never want to be on the other side of that ever again. I don't want to be anyone's burden. i dont want that hanging over me#i do things by myself or i dont do them at all. and god fucking willing i'll never go back to needing as much help as i used to#i really didnt realise just how much of an obstacle living with stairs was in my life. it was the biggest barrier against everything#stairs stopped me from being independent. if i couldnt traverse them i just didnt go anywhere. my world shrank so much#and not having the proper wheelchair shrinks my world even more. im stronger than i used to be but im still severely limited in where i go
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