#how am i supposed to survive 4 days of this shit | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

sidekick-hero · 9 months ago

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Edited for a big shout out to @steves-strapcollection whose lovely OC has a little cameo here. If you want to know who Tig is, you can find out here. Spoiler: he's amazing and we love him.

Day 0

Dear Steve,

Hi Stevie,

Apparently, it's not good to "bottle up" your feelings. They say it makes drinking or drugs or any other addiction so tempting. It makes it easier to keep all that stuff inside you and let it fester until you need more and more of whatever it is that helps you cope. So the first rule of rehab: Talk, don't take.

That's a long way of saying I need to keep a journal like a 13-year-old girl with her first crush. It's either that or a daily crying session with the other "inmates" here, and I'd rather not have to tell Terry the old gossip my own tragic sob story. She already told me the life stories of two other patients here at dinner.

Instead, I decided to write to you. You're the one person I regret the most pushing away, and even though you'll probably never see this, it feels good to tell you these things now. Like a dry run. Because, baby, when I get out of here, I swear I will let you in. I won't make the same mistakes.

You will never go another day without knowing how much you mean to me.

How much I love you.

You only left an hour ago and I already miss you. I can't believe I've survived six months without you. Well, I barely did. I wish I could call you, but phone privileges are only for those who make it through their first week here.

I know we chose this center together knowing that they don't allow visitors for at least three weeks. Maybe longer if my therapist says I'm not ready. Fuck, three weeks didn't sound so bad when we talked about it, but now? In this ugly, impersonal room that smells clean but is totally clinical. You know, that mix of disinfectant and sterile air with a hint of medication lingering in the background. It sounds like an eternity and then some.

Nothing here feels comfortable or warm, and I miss your face so much it physically hurts.

But I promised myself I'd do whatever it took. For you and Wayne, for the boys and the kids.

So, day 0, the journey begins.

Fuck, I almost forgot: I'm supposed to answer three questions every day.

How are you doing right now? Don't hold back.

See above. I miss you, that's how I am. I want this to be over. I hate that I'm here and even more that I'm the one who got me here. I feel like a fuckup. It's hard not to when I see how I've ruined everything good in my life. But then I remember the way you kissed me goodbye. The smile on your face when you told me how proud you were of me. The way you kissed my hand because you couldn't let go and whispered, "I'll see you soon," and I want to have hope.

What do you want to accomplish tomorrow?

Get through the day without doing anything I'll regret.

What are you grateful for in your own life today?

You. That you didn't give up on me. (And the Gummi Bears you hid at the bottom of the bag, you minx. Thank you.)

Day 4

Sweetheart,

I'm not doing so well. It's hard. Who am I kidding? It sucks. My body hurts from how much I want to use. My brain is so very loud, Stevie. So, so loud. I try to remember how you managed to calm me down when my brain got like this. What helped the most was to wear me out by fucking me senseless, but that's not an option. But maybe I will try to go for a walk or even do some of those exercises you always tried to get me to do. The ones that usually led to fucking because I could never behave.

My therapist is nice. Her name is Laura, and so far she's taking everything I throw at her in stride. Talking to her feels like pulling my own teeth and I feel like shit afterwards, but I sleep better. Who would have thought, huh?

I miss you.

How are you doing right now? Don't hold back.

Not good. I wonder if I can really do this. It doesn't feel like it right now. I'm afraid I won't make it. That I will screw up again. That if I do, it'll kill me and I'll be grateful because I couldn't live with myself if I did.

I don't want to die, Stevie.

What do you want to accomplish tomorrow?

Talk to the weird kid who always sits by himself during meals. He looks lost. Maybe he knows DnD.

What are you grateful for in your own life today?

Still you. Every day. Wayne, for taking me in when I felt like a failure too. Unlovable. Worthless. He never stopped believing in me. Even when I gave him every reason not to. I don't know how I deserve him or you, but I am so fucking grateful.

Day 7

Fuck, I missed your voice. God. I'm sorry I lost it like that. I didn't want the first thing you heard from me after a week apart to be me ugly sobbing into the phone.

I wanted to tell you so many things. I had a plan, you know? But hearing your voice when you said, "Hi, baby," it just broke me. You sounded like you missed me too, like you were relieved to hear my voice too, and you didn't even realize how scared I was that you wouldn't.

We just hung up, but I want to call you again. Just to hear you breathing on the other side so I know you're still there. Waiting for me. Your hand still gripping mine so I wouldn't get lost.

You said, "I'll hear you tomorrow," like it was set in stone, no doubt about it. It made me feel, fuck, I don't even know. Like this is real. I didn't die on that bathroom floor, and you giving me another chance isn't some kind of hallucination or afterlife dream.

I'm rambling, sorry. Even in writing I can't help it.

One day I'll write it all down in a way that makes sense, I promise.

I love how patient you are with me. No one has ever been. I was always too loud, too distracted, too weird, too complicated, too much. But not to you.

I wish you were here to take me in your arms, it's hard not to fall apart without you holding me together.

How are you doing right now? Don't hold back.

Better. Fucking determined to get through this and get back to you. Still scared.

What do you want to accomplish tomorrow?

Have a real conversation with you without breaking down on the phone. Here's to hoping. Detoxing and being sober has given me a hair trigger on my emotions, it seems.

What are you grateful for in your own life today?

Your patience. Your grace. Your voice in my ear. That you still haven't given up on me. DnD, for giving me a purpose when I needed one, a tool to give others the help I so desperately wanted. The weird kid's name is Alex, and he does know DnD. We'll try to find more people for a campaign.

Day 16

Steve, baby,

I am so fucking sorry. Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck. I'm such an asshole. Please pick up the phone. I need to tell you how sorry I am. I didn't mean it, I was just scared. When you said that maybe Laura was right and you shouldn't come to see me next week if I wasn't ready, I thought you didn't want me anymore. That you finally got tired of holding my hand and watching me do those damn baby steps. It's been over two weeks, why am I not better? Why am I not done with this shit?

I want to be done, I swear.

Please don't leave me.

Please pick up the phone.

Please, please, please.

How are you doing right now? Don't hold back.

Fuck this shit, what good is it if I keep hurting you?

What do you want to accomplish tomorrow?

Stop being a fucking asshole.

What are you grateful for in your own life today?

I want it to be you, but I'm not sure I even have you in my life anymore.

Day 23

Stevie,

I'm scared. Isn't this the stupidest thing you've ever heard? A few days ago I begged to see you. Fuck, I was so desperate to see you that I almost ruined everything. I'm still sorry, I hope you know that. I know, I know, you said that it's okay and that it can't be all smooth sailing, that you forgive me. That you'll keep forgiving me as long as I keep coming back to talk to you, to explain, to show you that I mean it.

And now I've got the all clear for you to come and see me, and I'm too scared to tell you.

I'm still not the man I want to be. The man who deserves someone like you.

Laura told me that love isn't something you deserve, it's something freely given. We don't decide if someone can love us, only they do. And that I have to stop pushing people away because I'm convinced they can't love me. It's their choice and I shouldn't try to take it away from them.

I think about this a lot.

I want to let you love me, I do. It's just hard for me to understand why you would want to do that at all. It's something Laura wants to work on with me as well.

There is so much work to do. I hate to bother you with it. To make it your problem. I wanted to come in here and two weeks later walk out a new man. A better one. One you can love easily and who can love you back in a way you can understand. A man Wayne can be proud to call his son. A man Gareth and Jeff and Grant want to have as a friend, as a bandmate. A man the kids can look up to as much as they look up to you.

Laura said I should take the hand you are holding out to me. It's a decision I make every day. I took it in the hospital. I took it when you drove me here.

I should take it by letting you in, letting you see the work in progress that I am right now.

I think I will call you after dinner to tell you.

How are you doing right now? Don't hold back.

Fuck if I know. It's a lot to feel when you've numbed your feelings for so long. I remember why I did it, but I won't do it again, I'll learn to deal with it.

What do you want to accomplish tomorrow?

Take you in my arms and hold you. Let myself be held by you.

What are you grateful for in your own life today?

Your hand in mine. The thought of you that keeps me going. Your bravery. Dustin and Mike and Will and Lucas. They call me all the time, you know. Asking me about my first campaign here, telling me about their lives. Keeping in touch, even though I failed them almost as much as my old man did me.

Day 31

Steve, my love,

You're on your way to pick me up and I can't believe we made it here. It's not done, it probably never will be. I know that now. I have to keep working on myself and being well. But it's so fucking worth it, Stevie.

I'm glad that Laura agreed to stay my therapist even if I leave the center. I trust her. She gets me, she knows when to push me and tell me the ugly truth, and when I need time to process things.

I haven't told you yet, but I'm not going back to Corroded Coffin. At least not right now. I talked to the guys and they all agreed that it's best if I take some time for myself. And for you. For my family and friends. They actually have a guy named Tig who auditioned while I was here and they like him. He's good, they sent me a demo. They asked me if it would be okay and I said it would be. It's true, even though it hurts. I have to do this for myself.

Because I am going to give this to you later, I want to tell you something here before I lose my courage.

Steve. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I know I haven't always shown you the way you deserve. Hell, some days I certainly didn't act like it. My worst days. But I never stopped loving you. I don't think I ever will.

But I also learned to like myself a little better here. I no longer want to punish myself for things that were out of my control, like my mom dying or my dad not caring enough for me to stay. I want to be loved. I want you to love me. I want to let you.

I want to finally leave the past behind and allow myself to think about the future. And whenever I do, you're in it. You're the anchor, the epicenter of all my plans.

Stevie, sweetheart, I want to marry you.

Don't worry, I'm not proposing. This is just something I needed to tell you. Someday I want to be your husband, if you want me.

You are my past, my present and my future.

This is me taking your hand every day until I die or you stop reaching for me.

How are you doing right now? Don't hold back.

So fucking excited to have you all to myself again. Seriously, I'm going a little crazy. I'm also hopeful about the future. And in love. I'm so fucking in love with you.

What do you want to accomplish tomorrow?

To start our life together without forgetting what came before.

What are you grateful for in your own life today?

My second chance.

#steddie #steddie fanfiction #stranger things fanfiction #rockstar eddie munson #steve harrington #eddie munson #steddielovemonth #day 17 #Love is about a hand reaching out to you so you don't get lost #my writing

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naneun-no · 9 months ago

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From my drafts so it’s late but:

Today’s delulu thought is that Standing Next to You has too many lyrical coincidences to not be about Jimin.

🫣 I SAID IT WAS DELUSIONAL OKAY

You are free to disagree. You probably should 🤣

I mean we know it wasn’t written by Jung Kook but obviously the version he recorded was arranged with and for JK, and “leave your body golden” can’t be a coincidence right? Like it’s the whole ass album name, plus a word that carries connotations of JK himself, which the ppl who worked with him on Seven must have known.

So if that wasn’t a coincidence… then what about:

1. “How we left and right is something we control” — a callback to both Left and Right by CP feat JK, but also a nod to Butter, a massive BTS hit and a song that he performs alongside his boyfie bestie JM.

2. “When it’s deep like DNA, something they can’t take away” — a callback to another massive BTS hit, interesting. And *delulu warning* also reminds me of JM and JK’s extreme similarities that they themselves have referred to before?? They’re wired the same, they have the same sense of humor, they live and breathe for the same shit and even though they have some very key differences, they really do seem like twin flames (even if you just see it as platonic). They are similar in ways that seem braided into the fibers of their being. Like, in their DNA 🧬 some may say. *delulu warning #2* I’m also reminded of Jimin’s Letter lyrics: “After all this time has passed will we still be the same? Just like we were when we first met.”

Also, “something they can’t take away” is an interesting turn of phrase… more on that later.

3. Okay the real meaty part:

Screaming I’ll testify that we'll survive the test of time, they can't deny our love. They can't divide us, we'll survive the test of time I promise I'll be right here

[I seriously can’t believe how closeted-couple-coded this song is]

First off, again with the Letter lyrics mirrored here with the “test of time.” Then it’s got all this drama about being ripped apart and how it won’t happen and how they’ll be next to each other no matter what and that they have “something they can’t take away.”

Not only does all that line up with other Letter lyrics, but it is so goddamn dramatic and for what?

Be for real, what straight couple in this day and age would have this much working against them?? The only possible explanations are: 1) within the fantasy world of a song I suppose this could be some sort of Romeo and Juliet/West Side Story motif, and to be fair the music video did have a kind of rival gang/crime family look to it? Sort of? With the men fighting below the stage? Idk. Or it could be 2) the fact that idols do in fact often have to hide even their straight relationships, which is wild to me. But I know it’s a thing, so. I suppose there’s that. JK doesn’t seem the type though honestly. I think he’d be even more open about it than V.

On the other hand, the lyrics seem SO fit for a couple who are a) queer, b) closeted, c) currently in/about to be in a legislatively homophobic military and country (am I saying that right? Lol) and d) internationally famous pop idols in the SAME BAND who are both widely regarded as heterosexual sex symbols and would be shunned by many people in their homeland AND internationally if their queerness were to be revealed, much less if they were truly an item and THAT news broke.

Whew. That was a lot but like… that would be a real example of a relationship that would be VERY threatened by outside forces plotting against them and trying to separate them. Not JK and a hot blonde model, not him and a Korean actress, not basically any other scenario but a queer relationship.

Idk I know he didn’t write it but like ??? What the hell is that theme? I’m dying to get inside the mind of the people who DID write it, because are they or are they jikookers at this point like?!

4. Just for fun I’ll also point out the “leave your body golden like the sun and moon” 😏 like. Okay. At this point the songwriters are watching Jikook compilations, drooling over @slaaverin edits like convince me they’re not. CONVINCE ME.

5. “Deeper than the rain”?! “The pain”?! Alright I’m not even serious at this point but ??? Rainy day fight 🌧️?!?! 🤣🤣

6. “Standing next to you” oh you mean like… for 18 months? In a companion enlistment program? Like that?

Alright alright I’m done but you get my point. What even is this song if not an anthem of jikookery?! It’s more on-the-nose than Letter, more sneaky than Still With You. It wasn’t written by JK but at this point I’m calling that the songwriters are as delulu as me.

Hope y’all are well. If you made it to the end of this thank you for donning your tinfoil hat with me and I hope you at least got a giggle.

✌️

#jikook #kookmin #jimin and jungkook #jikook theories #delulu time

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thechekhov · 10 months ago

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Dungeon Meshi Quick Reacts

Monster Tidbits: 3 & 4

Forgot to do this for some of them so I'm going back and getting the ones up through chapter 28

I read this tidbit and immediately went 'how close ARE squid and octopus phylogenetically?' And it turns out they're kinda close, but also. Vampire squids are closely related to octopods! Moreso than to other squids. That's neat!

Anyway.

The dungeon and its vast resources are really wasted on hack-n-slash adventurers. It feels like only Senshi really appreciates how much you can strip and use from such a large animal.

Though I suppose the ecosystem gets it in the end anyway so it's not a complete waste....

I'd forgotten Laios hates kraken lmao.

.................dude really pointed a sperm tube at his own face and shot a load at his forehead. Incredible. World's least sexy facial, confirmed. Congrats, Laios. That's the worst anyone's ever done it, buddy.

Chillchuck, you only live to be like, 40. Maybe stop trying to reinvent the wheel capitalism in your lifetime....

Meaning Chillchuck can live to be poor enough to travel with them another day! Hoorah!

...can this translator just not ever spell the word tentacles?

You don't need a brain to grow in good places. You just need to grow in good places and survive to have progeny that also favors good places to procreate and then-- ah, nevermind. Why am I explaining evolutionary pressure to a manga.

You did your best, buddy.

didn't you guys encounter mermaids? Or were those... sirens...?

hang on, what do you mean they die?!! Just from being the first one to hear it?!

Oh, wait, you mean like, they hear it and jump in first? Damn.

Ah, right, they're completely different species.

go, girl, get your calories.

.........how much mana can a dragon store, huh marcille. How much.

no need to brag....

need me that meme of a fat kitten that's full of milk, but make it Namari, full of mana.........

I was gonna say 'fluffy pitbull' but then I saw 'clever'.... ah, bully breeds. Braincells are in short supply.

GET. THAT. MAN. A. PUBBY.

Listen, you. Laios is a treasure, you hear me? He's a treasure. He's also way too much of a freak for you to reason with. Just leave him alone with his warg plans.

Bag of Holding MIGHT actually be the most broken thing there is. Hm.

THE BULLYING! WHO IS IT FOR?! WHY ARE YOU GANGING UP ON HIM

Laios: If I can't be THE MOST OBSESSED then what's even the point?

King shit. Absolutely pathetic meow meow. There is so much wrong with him.

#chekhov answers #dungeon meshi #dungeon meshi liveblog #delicious in dungeon #chekhov reads dungeon meshi

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a-aexotic · 2 years ago

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half & half. part 005. previous

warnings ;

taglist: @steveharringtonswifey09 @starkeysmp4 @mannstarkey @readingbcimlonely

Last night was a complete haze for you, you couldn't even process it because you had to get up to work. Work was going like usual, customer after customer.

You were pretty much a like zombie trying to get through work. You hadn't even drank a single cup of coffee and you felt like you were there. You couldn't even think straight because of your head pounding.

You didn't get much sleep last night; there was too much going on in your head. JJ, Rafe, Sarah, the Pogues, your job, college. Your mind was on a loop until the early morning. Summer was supposed to be relaxing and right now, it felt like anything but relaxing.

When you were finally done at the country club at 4:30 pm, you glad took your leave and started driving home. These past few nights have been insanely eventful and you just wanted some time alone.

You came home, ate, showered (and shaved), lathered your skin up in your favorite lotion and topped it all off with a cute pink night set you got. You went into bed and sighed at the warm feeling, turning on your TV and turned on your LEDs.

You turned on your comfort show and watched for about five minutes before, almost comically, someone knocked on your window.

You wanted to face palm yourself. You almost thought you misheard it until you heard it again. Of course the universe wouldn't let you have on peaceful night.

You put on your slippers and went to the window. You weren't completely surprised to see JJ standing there, an apologetic look on his face.

You opened the window to let him in and you stood there, arms crossed as he closed the window after him. You both stood there in silence for a few seconds before he spoke up.

"I wanted come here and say I'm sorry." JJ finally spoke up, his voice barely above a whisper. "I said things I shouldn't have and I know I hurt you, but I am sorry. It won't happen again." He looked like a hurt puppy, looking up at you.

"It's fine."

"No, it's not. When Pope said you were going to apologize-"

"Wait, what?"

He stopped and thought for a second, "Shit. Uh..."

"I'll deal with Pope another time." You felt like an overworked mother with four annoying little brats you had to deal with. "Continue."

"I'm sorry, Y/N. I just say stupid shit when I'm angry."

"Yeah you do." She said flatly, as JJ pursed his lips tightly. You let out a sigh, "do you really think I nag you?"

JJ looked a deer caught in headlights before shaking his head slowly.

"Be honest, JJ."

"Sometimes. I mean you act more like my mother than my sister sometimes and yeah, it does get a little annoying..."

You wanted to get angry but you couldn't. This is healthy communication, you kept repeating in your head.

JJ noticed your silence, "I still love you though. I know you mean well."

Your lips moved upwards slightly into a small smile. "I love you, too."

JJ smiled at you, realizing he had finally gotten on your good side once again.

You opened your arms for a hug and he gladly walked up to you, embracing you tightly. He basked in your warmth and your familiar perfume; you hadn't changed your signature smell since freshman year.

"I don't know what I'm going to do with you, Y/N/N. How am I going to survive?"

"I'll still be with you in spirit, JJ." You guys separated. "And you can always call or Facetime, I'm not dead."

He laughed. "Yeah, but it's still not going to be the same."

You shook your head, "Let's not think about this now, okay?"

He nodded slightly, a smile still evident on his tanned face.

"You wanna watch a movie?"

Rafe had been in his room all day trying to figure what his feelings meant. He has never been so conflicted in his entire life, especially over feelings towards a girl.

Well, he wouldn't call you just a girl. If someone asked him a month ago how he felt about you, that about sums it up. You were just a girl to him but that all changed the night you had found him on that beach.

No one has ever done anything so selfless for him. You could've left him there on the beach and he wouldn't have even remembered it. But you went out of your way to help him. Not only help him, but actually take care of him.

The day after you had saved him, he woke up and he just looked at you for a few minutes, trying to process how everything that had happened. He'd only just remember the last few hours of the night, the rest was a blur.

The only thing that stuck out to him was his newfound feelings. When he looked at you, his heart felt like it was going to jump out of his body in the best way imaginable as he remembered the night before.

He never looked at you the same after that day. You weren't just a girl; you weren't just one of Sarah's friends anymore, you were more than that now. And that scared Rafe.

He'd never felt that way about anyone in a while. He was sure that he'd never felt this way ever because of how foreign it felt.

When he saw you downtown that night when that man was bothering you, it was like a instinct to go and help you. He had to make sure nothing happened to you now, because you were his savior. It wasn't even about owing it to you, it was just what felt most natural to him.

He had never been more confused. Did he like you? And if he did, how would he be able to show it without coming off weird? His mind raced, what was he going to do about you?

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justagalwhowrites · 1 year ago

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Lavender - Ch. 13

Joel learns something big that changes everything. A continuation of Lavender Ch. 1-12, found on Tumblr here.

Pairing: Joel Miller x Female Reader

Warnings: Miscarriage (mentioned and referenced, not described); suicidal ideation. Some smut. No use of Y/N. Minors DNI 18+ only.

Length: 4.4K

A/N: GUYS THIS IS A HEAVY CHAPTER. Full explanation in the notes at the end of the chapter, with some spoilers. Scroll to the bottom and read that if you're worried about this chapter. It's not graphic but it's emotionally VERY heavy. Take care of yourselves and all the love in the world <3

Saturday, July 4, 2009 - 3 months later

“What’s Steve gonna do?” You asked, legs stretched out alongside the small table in the break room of the clinic.

“Hopefully act like an adult for a change,” Andrew smiled. “Get his own place. He’s gotta grow up sometime.”

“Aw, you’re going to be like empty nesters,” you teased. He laughed. “Moving in together… big step.”

“Right?” He shook his head. “Might as well call it marriage.” He turned his bottle of water in his fingers, watching the plastic fracture the light. “I’m not making a mistake, right?”

“You love her?” You asked.

“More than anything,” he said.

“Then no,” you smiled. “Not making a mistake. Jess is… she’s the best. Truly. You’re lucky she had a lapse in judgement that lasted long enough to start seeing you…”

He lightly kicked your leg and you laughed.

“I’m really glad you figured your shit out with her,” you looked at him and smiled as he nodded.

“You and me both.”

After meeting Jess at the speakeasy just after Joel and Tommy made it to the QZ, Andrew just… kept bumping into her. When he went to the warehouse to pick up supplies for the clinic? She was there. At the market? She was there. At the speakeasy? She was there. And he kept watching her, out of the corner of his eye, like he thought no one would notice. But you did.

“Are you going to actually talk to her again or are you going to just pine after her from afar because you’re hung up on her name?” You asked him eventually when she passed on the street and the two of you were walking to the clinic.

“I can pine all I want, thank you,” he huffed.

“I don’t think you want to just pine, bud,” you replied. He sighed.

“I just can’t…” he looked up at the sky for a moment. “How am I supposed to get through the day if I’m always reminded of her? I mean I know I only knew her for a week but fuck…”

“I don’t think time matters as much when you’re trying to survive,” you shrugged. “By the time we got to the QZ we’d known each other, what, three weeks?”

“Shit,” he sighed. “Yeah.”

“It’s just different,” you shrugged. “I was ready to claw someone’s eyes out for looking at you wrong.”

“I punched Elias for not letting me see you for five minutes,” he winced. You looked up at him, shocked. “Oh yeah, that was when you weren’t responding to anything. Forgot you didn’t know about that. He forgave me pretty quick.”

You shook your head.

“Point is,” you said. “A week is plenty when you’re relying on each other to stay alive. You protected her. You were there when… Anyway, it makes sense is what I’m saying. But that doesn’t mean it needs to hold up your whole life, you know?”

“So you think I should talk to her.”

“I think you need to get your head out of your ass or you’re going to watch her fall in love with someone else and be pissed at yourself about it and I’m going to be the one who has to deal with you.”

For a change, he took your advice.

Introducing you to Jess had been a process. Andrew had - apparently - talked about you. A lot. And she’d seen you with him around the QZ. He’d set up a night at the speakeasy, just the three of you. You got there early. Andrew came over and hugged you, whispering in your ear “I’m so fucking nervous.” You gave him a squeeze.

“Jess this is…” he held his hand out to you, frowning. Like he couldn’t think of how to qualify you.

“I’m the outbreak survival partner turned best friend,” you smiled, holding out your hand. “And you’re the girlfriend!”

“Hi,” she smiled, taking your hand and looking relieved.

You talked for a while, getting to know each other. She had been a junior in college when the outbreak hit, studying psychology. She worked doing psych evaluations for FEDRA now, but wanted to try to get some kind of mental health system set up in the QZ eventually. She was sweet, smart and obviously very into Andrew. When he left to go get drinks, she watched him go before turning to you.

“Oh my God,” she sighed and then laughed. “I’ve been panicking about meeting you, you’re very intimidating! He doesn’t really have any other family or people besides you and he talks about you all the time. I’ve been hoping you’ll at least tolerate me! I feel like I’m meeting the parents and the big sister and the best friend at the same time… I’m so glad you’re nice!”

“Oh hon,” you laughed and put an arm around her, giving her a squeeze. “I don’t think I’ve ever intimidated anyone so thank you for that! You’re lovely, I’m now going to require him to bring you around as much as you’ll stand us.”

“Then expect to see me an awful lot,” she smiled, looking back toward the bar. “I’m kind of crazy about the guy.”

It helped that she went by Jess. It helped more that she was able to exist as her own, separate person with no ties to Jessica the more you were around her. She even understood when you or Andrew needed the other when things got hard and no one else understood.

Moving in with her was the right choice.

“You and Joel any closer to…” he gestured vaguely, eyebrows raised.

“Let’s not talk about my slowly devolving love life,” you took a drink of water.

“I will kick his ass,” he said. “Just say the word.” You rolled your eyes. “Seriously though. What’s going on? I thought things were a little better after you actually told him what happened…”

“It was, for about five minutes,” you sighed. “He’s only slept over three nights in the last week…” You swallowed the knot in your throat. “It’s like he’s looking for an out. I keep trying to ask him if something is wrong or if I did something… It reminds me of the last time I visited him in Texas, before the outbreak. He broke up with me a few weeks later and, in hindsight, that whole trip felt like him saying goodbye.”

You sighed, finishing your bottle of water. Joel had slept over the night before and it was like his body was in your bed but the rest of him was gone.

He’d been lying flat on his back and you wrapped around him, stretching up and kissing his cheek. His arm never went around you to pull you closer like it usually did. You tried to press yourself against his side, tried to soak up as much of him as you could. When you kissed the side of his neck, he turned his head and lifted your chin, crashing his lips into yours. His kiss was harsh, consuming. He all but tore your tank top and cotton shorts off your body, leaving them in a heap on the floor.

His fingers dug into your flesh, into the spaces between your ribs, into the soft fullness of your breasts. You clumsily worked your hips against him as he ripped his own clothes off, too, before he pushed two fingers sharply into you, making you gasp.

“Always wet for me,” he said it harshly, almost judgmentally. You moaned, a knot in your stomach that didn’t usually exist when he touched you. “Always fuckin’ wanting it…”

“Joel,” you whimpered and he kissed you, his tongue shoving your mouth open as he pulled his fingers from you and pressed his hard length against you. He entered you with one firm stroke, forcing your walls apart, making you gasp against his mouth.

His hips snapped into yours, his cock slamming into you with each stroke. He bit your neck, took your wrists in his hand and held them down when you tried to run your fingers over his back. Your body kept trying to hold onto him, keep him close and he refused it. You came only seconds before he went slack on top of you, panting for breath.

He slid out of you and collapsed next to you in bed, not touching you. You just stared at the ceiling for a moment, feeling him leaking out of you, slipping away. He was gone when you woke up.

“He’s not the only man on earth, you know,” Andrew was watching you. You frowned a little but nodded. “Steve’s always had a bit of a crush on you…”

You snorted.

“Steve needed me to teach him how to boil pasta.”

“Yeah, he’s got mommy issues,” Andrew half smiled at you. “It explains everything.”

“Doctor?” Marta hung her torso into the break room, her black ponytail swinging over her shoulder. “We need you.”

“We’ll just have to fix my love life another day,” you drummed the tabletop for a second and gave Andrew a small smile before jogging over to Marta and following her to the exam rooms.

“What’s going on?” You asked, fidgeting with your stethoscope.

“Pregnant woman, thinks she’s about 10 weeks?” She passed you the chart. “Says she thinks something’s wrong but hasn’t given me many specifics. Wanted to just tell the doctor.”

You stopped at the exam room door.

“Thanks, Marta,” you gave her a tight smile. “I’ve got it from here.”

You knocked on the door once before stepping in.

“Hey Doc,” the woman smiled. You’d seen her a few times in the clinic through the years for the usual basic things. Coughs that wouldn’t leave, a broken finger, stitches once when she cut her hand as she fell at work. You glanced at the chart. Penelope. Penny. That’s what she’d told you last time.

“Hi Penny,” you smiled back, setting the chart down and going to the sink to wash your hands before putting on gloves. “What seems to be the issue?”

“I slipped at work,” she winced. “Yesterday afternoon…”

“They still letting you on ladders with your track record?” You teased, taking some notes on the chart. She laughed.

“Right?” She said. “You’d think they’d give me another job after a while… Anyway, something’s felt… wrong ever since. And this afternoon I used the bathroom and there was blood in my panties and…”

Your stomach turned and you fought to make sure it didn’t show.

“Let’s take a look.”

***

Joel showed up at the clinic at the same time as Andrew’s girlfriend. He fought the urge to groan. She was a sweet enough girl but he’d never really taken the same liking to her you had. She was young, naive, a little too content to hang on Andrew’s every word. But she was insightful enough to know that he wasn’t about to start a fan club for her, just giving him a tight smile as they both went into the waiting room.

It seemed quiet, at least. Something Joel was relieved for. He kept trying to get some distance from you and then something would pull him back in. You’d smile at him in just the right way, kiss his neck when your body was against him, have a bad day at the clinic and look so exhausted that all he wanted to do was wrap you up and hold you close. It was easier to keep his distance when you didn’t need him. He couldn’t resist you needing him.

“Hey guys,” Andrew sighed, coming out of the back. Jess’ face brightened into a real smile then, looking at her boyfriend like he hung the moon. She put her arms around his neck and he kissed her, long enough that Joel cleared his throat to remind them that he was there. Jess blushed and wrapped her arms around his waist. “It’s going to be a few minutes…” he lowered his voice. “She’s busy with a rough one.”

“Oh no,” Jess frowned. “What’s happening?”

“Miscarriage,” he sighed. “Which is hard on her for obvious reasons…”

Jess just nodded and pressed herself into his side but Joel just frowned.

“What’d you mean, obvious reasons.”

“Well, you know,” Andrew shrugged. “During the outbreak.”

Joel’s stomach dropped and, after a moment, Andrew’s eyes went wide.

“Oh shit,” he breathed. “She didn’t tell you, fuck, she said she’d told you everything, I thought she told you, I swear she said she told you…”

You came out of the back, looking sad for a moment but your face brightened when you saw Joel. You came up and stretched up to kiss his cheek.

“Just need a few more minutes,” you said. “Just waiting for Kristen so I can go over some overnight care instructions for a patient. Let me tell you, I really need that drink…”

“What the fuck is Andrew talking about?” Joel asked, looking down at you. You frowned.

“I’m so sorry,” Andrew whispered. “I thought you’d told him, you said you’d told him everything, I thought you’d told him….”

Your face fell, looking between Andrew and Joel.

Joel stormed outside. His head was spinning. Something Andrew had said the night that he got to the QZ came back to him, something he’d heard that he wasn’t meant to hear.

“So that’s the dad…”

He’d thought he was talking about Sarah. Who else could he have meant? It would have made sense, you explaining your connection through his daughter….

“Hey,” you were walking quickly, almost jogging, to catch up to him. He was panting for breath, the haze of twilight on the horizon. “Joel…”

“Were you pregnant?” He demanded, spinning to face you. You startled back from him, like he’d slapped you. You didn’t answer. “Were. You. Pregnant.”

You stared at his chest.

“Yes.”

He turned away from you for a moment, trying to get his composure before he turned back.

“It was mine?”

“Yes,” your voice was wet and thick.

“What happened.”

You closed your eyes and took a deep breath before you answered.

“They were going to shoot Jessica,” you whispered. “I didn’t know it was transmitted through bites, they were just going to shoot her and I had to stop it and they hit me and… Joel, I’m sorry, I tried, I tried so hard…”

You’d been on your own, been with two teenagers you’d taken charge of and his child inside you and he’d been across the country from you, not able to protect you, only able to fail you, only able to fail you both…

“When did you know?”

You were quiet and he ground his teeth.

“When!”

“The first day of school,” you breathed, glancing up at his face for a second before looking straight ahead again.

He felt like he was going to be sick.

“You knew,” he said it through clenched teeth. You winced but stood your ground, your arms crossed over your stomach. “You knew for weeks. WEEKS. And you didn’t fuckin’ tell me?”

“I’m sorry,” your voice was shaky. “I didn’t know what I was going to do at first, I didn’t know if I was going to keep it and once I decided I wanted to keep it I didn’t know if I was ever going to tell you…”

“You were going to have my fuckin’ kid and you weren’t going to tell me!” He was screaming. You wanted to cower from him, he could tell. Your body shook with it. But you weren’t backing down.

“I decided to tell you the day before the outbreak,” your eyes met his then. “That’s why I texted you. I didn’t want to just tell you over the phone, that’s why I asked if you wanted to have coffee… I wanted to come up with a plan first to make sure you didn’t need to do anything you didn’t want to do, I didn’t want you to feel like you were stuck with me and a baby you didn’t want and I…”

“You should have fucking TOLD ME!” He couldn’t look at you, putting his back to you. His stomach twisted, his chest tightened.

He was running through everything that happened the night of the outbreak. He couldn’t help it, couldn’t stop it once it started. The phone call from Tommy, leaving Sarah alone at the house. Coming home and finding her at the mercy of the infected. Driving, running, holding her….

It all would have been different. If he’d known, if you’d just told him, it all would have been different.

“We’re done,” his voice cracked.

“What?” You sounded so small, so weak. It reminded him of the time you called him for help, when on a date with that handsy guy. You sounded scared. “Joel, please…”

“Do you understand what you did?” He rounded on you, towering over you. You flinched back, like you were afraid he was going to hit you. “None of it would have happened this way if you’d just fucking told me you were pregnant with my goddamn kid!”

“Joel…”

“She’d still be here!” He screamed it. You stepped back from him then, sobbing now.

“You can’t know…” you choked on it but he cut you off.

“Yes I can,” he said. He was seething. “If you’d just fuckin’ told me, we wouldn’t have BEEN there! We would have been in New York with you or you would have been in Austin with us and I wouldn’t have left her alone that night, you would have been with her and known what to fuckin’ do, she never…”

“You can’t…”

“She died that night!” He yelled, getting in your face. He’d never told you this. He’d never told anybody this. “Shot by some Army fuck and it never would have happened that way if you’d just told me you were pregnant with my fucking kid!”

He straightened, running his hands through his hair, desperate for something to hold onto. It was like losing her all over again, like there was a gaping hole in his chest, like someone had cracked open his ribs and started taking him apart. If you’d told him, Sarah would be alive. If you’d told him, he could have saved your child. If he’d just known, it would all be different. He wouldn’t have failed you. He wouldn’t have failed you.

You were just standing there, your face wet, arms tightly around yourself. You hadn’t even moved to wipe your tears away.

“Please,” it was barely audible.

“We’re done,” he said it again, his voice flat. “I wish I’d never fuckin’ met you. I never want to see you again. We’re done.”

He turned and left you there in the haze of the streetlights outside the clinic.

Joel wasn’t sure how long he walked. He wasn’t sure where he ended up. He didn’t fucking care. He almost hoped someone tried to talk to him. He wanted to hit something, he wanted something to hit him. He wanted to hurt, something on his body needed to hurt the same way his soul was hurting. It wasn’t right that the pain wasn’t spread out, that it wasn’t all through his body, too.

Tommy was out when he got home. For a moment, Joel’s eyes drifted to the floorboards where they’d stashed their weapons. He wouldn’t flinch this time. Your voice wouldn’t pull him back this time.

He went for the liquor instead. He drank until he passed out. He didn’t move for two days.

***

You couldn’t seem to stop crying. You stood there, watching where Joel had gone, like you were waiting for him to come back for you. He wasn’t going to come back for you.

“I wish I’d never fuckin’ met you.”

“Don’t let anyone take you from me.”

“I never want to see you again.”

You had a patient.

You forced yourself to turn and walk for the clinic. You hadn’t gone far, only about 50 yards, but it was apparently far enough that no one inside had heard the commotion outside. That was good, at least. Andrew noticed you first, his hands on your shoulders before you really realized he was even there.

“Hey,” he said, stopping you. His voice was gentle, so gentle compared to Joel’s. You kept your arms around your waist. “What happened? Are you OK?”

“I’m fine,” you said, even though you were still crying. “Is Kristen ready for care instructions? Have you seen her?”

“She’s still in back, what happened?” He asked. Your eyes were having a hard time focusing. His chest was just a gray blob in front of you. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing,” you answered. “It’s fine. You guys should probably just head over to the speakeasy, I think I’m just going home…”

“What did he do to you?” His hands went from your shoulders to your face, tilting your head up so you were forced to look at him. You closed your eyes, unable to bear the idea of really looking at him.

“He left,” you said, voice cracking. “Said he never wants to see me again. I’m fine,” you said it quickly, before Andrew had a chance to argue. “It’s fine. I understand it, I deserve it, I’m fine, it’s fine, I just need to give Kristen the care instructions…”

Andrew pulled you against his chest, his lips finding your hair.

“I’m so sorry,” he breathed. “I didn’t mean to, I’m so sorry…”

“Not your fault,” you were getting his shirt wet with tears. “It’s OK…”

“Doctor?” Kristen called. “Everything OK?”

You pulled back from Andrew and sniffed, trying to compose yourself.

“Fine,” you said. “Just a long day. Let me go over this with you…”

You were numb as you went over protocols, noted medication and amounts, making sure to triple check everything because you didn’t really trust yourself but you didn’t have another doctor to hand Penny’s care off to.

Andrew and Jess were sitting in the waiting room when you finished. You frowned.

“I thought I said to go on ahead,” you said.

“We’re not just going to abandon you,” Andrew looked at you, incredulous.

“I just want to go home and be alone,” you looked between them. “Really. It’s fine.”

“Well then we’ll walk you home,” Jess said, chin jutting out defiantly, almost daring you to argue.

You let them. They walked you all the way to your door, but wouldn’t let Andrew stay.

“I’d feel a lot better if I just slept here,” he was frowning, his hands in his pockets.

“I just want to do this on my own,” you couldn’t look at him, staring over his shoulder instead.

“Are you sure you’re safe to be on your own?” Jess asked, her voice soft. You nodded, not looking at her.

“I just need to cry for a bit,” you said. “I’ll see you at work on Monday.”

Andrew ground his teeth for a moment before pulling you tightly against him.

“I love you,” he said. “Wouldn’t be here without you. Don’t go doing anything stupid.”

You hesitantly put your arms around him.

“Love you too.”

He and Jess left, Andrew giving you a lingering look as he closed and locked your door behind him. You looked around your apartment for a moment. One of Joel’s shirts was hanging on your closet door. The picture of you, him and Sarah was still on your nightstand. The book he’d been reading was on his side of the bed.

You left it there, going to the bathroom and running a bath in the tub that was a little too small for an adult to take a bath in but you didn’t care. You took off your clothes, folding them and putting them in a neat pile on the toilet seat, your body on autopilot.

He’d been right, of course. If Sarah had died that night, it would have been different had you told him. If you’d just opened your fucking mouth when you’d found out and told him instead of mulling it over and being too anxious…

You slipped into the water, body too numb to really notice the temperature of it. You stared into space for a while, just letting yourself cry until it seemed like there was nothing else left in you to cry out.

For a moment, you wondered what it would have been like if you’d just told him. It wasn’t the first time you’d imagined something like it. Pictured Sarah chasing a toddler around your grandmother’s back yard or holding a plump baby with a bucket hat on their tiny head as they kicked their little legs in the Millers’ pool. You’d pictured what your child would look like so many times. Boy or girl, they always had Joel’s hair and eyes. Sometimes they got your nose, sometimes his. They sometimes had the dimple he got on one cheek when he smiled.

It had always been a sad impossibility before. You could have done things differently that day, done what you could to change Jessica’s fate, made it so you never got hit but, after years of playing it over in your mind, you knew there wasn’t much you COULD have done differently. Your child was something that just wasn’t meant to be, something that got taken away before you had a chance to really love it and hold it close. Now, it was a choice you’d made. Another mistake born of a mistake.

You’d never really been meant to exist at all. Your parents never meant to have you, they’d left you with your grandmother who had stepped up out of obligation to her flighty daughter. You’d done nothing but fuck up everyone’s lives since day one.

“Don’t let anyone take you from me.”

“I wish I’d never fuckin’ met you.”

You slid below the water, lying flat on your back in the bottom of the tub. You held your breath. You opened your eyes, the stained ceiling rippling overhead. Your lungs burned. The ceiling blurred. Your hair swirled in the water around you. You didn’t move when your body forced you to inhale, sucking water into your lungs. But your body wouldn’t let you stay still, making you shoot up, coughing and choking, gasping like you had anything worth living for.

You cried again, staying in the tub until the water turned so cold that you could feel it. You went to bed alone, wishing the water had swallowed you.

A/N: Hi y'all. For folks who skipped to the end for a spoiler-y warning: FMC treats a patient who is having a miscarriage, Joel finds out about her miscarriage, freaks out that she never told him and leaves her.

I KNOW I'M SORRY I REALLY AM. Here's why it's working this way: 1) Joel after Sarah is largely defined by his inability to allow himself to love fully and honestly. Until he's forced to work through his shit, his trauma will not LET him love anyone. It's not safe. For him, loving someone will lead to his death. He can't do it yet. HE WILL EVENTUALLY. But he can't yet. Remember that the choices made by this Joel are literally life and death for him. After what happened with Sarah, he can't approach these choices any other way. 2) These characters are going to grow and develop along largely parallel paths for a bit and we're going to see them over the next few years where their paths cross until the day that Ellie shows up. Joel wouldn't be Joel if he was just happily with her for 15 years and she wouldn't be who I've been building her up to be if she was with the love of her life for 15 years. Their journeys are going to be separate for a bit but we're still going to see them together, I promise.

Thank you so much for reading and interacting and sticking with the story even though I throw SUPER SAD SHIT in all the time. I have a taglist now, so if you're interested in that, please let me know. I love you all like crazy!

Taglist: @paleidiot

#fanfic #joel miller x female reader #joel miller x reader #joel miller x you

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saltygilmores · 1 year ago

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Thoughts While Watching Gilmore Girls, Season 2, Episode 21- Lorelai’s Graduation Day, Aka Lovesick Stepcousins In The Big City, Part 3

I'm cheering Rory on as she leaves school grounds, leaving these 35 year old classmates in the dust, and as she manages to pull it off under the eyes of two teachers or administrators. Yes yes yes! Well from here on out it's going to be pure Literati appreciation with only minimal anger and rage, you know, my usual shtick. That being said, when that happens I start to sound a little disjointed, like, this episode is so pure and precious and enjoyable that I really don't have much snarky commentary on it and I can just watch it. What am I without my snark powers?

Destiny awaits. In one of many examples of what I call "Gilmore Girls Poor"*, which is a term I coined myself for how AmyShermanPalladino views lower/middle class/urban/city life, Rory manages to end up in the Port Authority Bus Terminal in another dimension. The Alternate Dimension, 100% white, Spotlessly Clean, Nearly People-Free New York City Bus Terminal where she stared down a scary dude without being stabbed and she was offered a locker to store her book bag. (*More examples of GGP: In season 4, Jess is 19 years old, a high school dropout, and is living in a clean, rat and roach free, enormous New York City apartment with working utiltiies and large windows that in today's housing crisis people would murder him to get, he just needed a bed frame and to pick his shit up off the floor but we are supposed to believe its a crack den; Rory and Lorelai live in a beautiful home and eat take out and restaurant food every day on nothing more than an innkeeper's slary)

This was cute. Rory the little mouse getting ignored by city folk. I love it so much.

I think AmyShermanPalladino inserted this smoking guy to make it look like Rory was in a rough part of town. Someone finally gives our little mouse an abrupt answer on how to get to Washington Square Park where she can meet her stepcousin and her destiny.

The little smirk before he turns around! And then, and then...and then...the big grin when he sees her!

I am STARVING for stepcousins!!!!!! ..And the Emmy Award for the whitest words ever spoken on teleivison goes to Alexis Bledel, as Rory Gilmore in Gilmore Girls:

Baring his naked forearms like a saucy strumpet. Book sticking awkwardly out of his back pocket. He either finds the smallest books or has the roomiest ass pockets that he keeps pulling that off. How does he do that?

This is all so precious and pure I could die.

He is RAPT with attention listening to her silly stories. Show me where Dean or Logan ever paid this much attention to her telling one of these stories.

We know, Bubs. We know :(

Red alert! Red alert! Our first display of physical contact!

Jess says he eats from this hot dog cart every day. Let's unpack this: 1) Holy child neglect, Batman! I mean, Liz Danes. You can't even make your kid a peanut butter and jelly sandwich once in a while? This boy is feral. These are survival hot dogs. This may be all he can afford to eat on his own. 2) How are you still as skinny as a rail? 3) How's your blood pressure? 4) Where are you getting the money?

This sweet bubba unquestionably paid for Rory's lunch like a true gentleman.

I refuse to acknolwedge any sort of Behind the Scenes Hollywood mumbo jumbo like "Milo wasn't ACTUALLY eating the hot dog" or “umm, it’s a prop hot dog”. i am firmly committed to a scenario where everyone on the set for this episode was like "Milo our precious vegetarian baby boy we will get you a tofu hot dog to eat"

Ending this chapter with this adorable face.

#gilmore girls #gilmore girls season 2 #lorelais graduation day #rory gilmore #jess mariano #milo ventimiglia #denise rewatches gilmore girls #literati #step cousins #my heart is bursting #hot dog #feral child #why isn’t Jess in school #he ate a hot dog in the movie Armored #I saw him deep throat the thing #tofu dog or commitment to the part that he will ingest meat for a role

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gardening-guy · 14 days ago

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garden update || 10/25/24 🌿🏡🥰🌱

see that very nice-looking raised bed on the bottom right? THAT'S NEWWWW!!! i just set these two new raised beds up yesterday with a dear friend who's been staying the night over the past few days!! yippee!! 🎉 i've been showing this friend of mine how to garden and letting them learn in my backyard. we've only done flowering plants so far as well as planting dill & cilantro seeds -- so yesterday, i decided it was time to learn about crops!

we sowed seeds for walking egyptian onions, broccoli de cicco, dill, and cilantro; but i plan on also teaching them how to transplant so we'll also transplant in more kale, cabbage, and hopefully chinese pink celery! this'll be a very full & very productive raised bed, i hope!

i also have a few pictures of the progress in the greenhouse box!

the seedlings are all steadily coming along! i do need to sow a LOT more chinese pink celery seeds, so i'll do that once i finally get another bag of soil (i already need 2 more for potting houseplant props, 4 more for my last raised garden bed, and probably 2 more for future seedlings -- augh my budget is so fucked).

currently in the greenhouse box, i have 8 chinese pink celery, 15 cilantro, 3 copenhagen market cabbage, 3 blue-curled scotch kale, and 3 dill. (holy shit so much cilantro, they're going to be gifts for friends!!) i plan on transplanting the kale, cabbage, & pink celery all into the raised beds, i'm just waiting for them to grow up a bit more unfortunately.

i also have photos of some of the flowering plants in the raised beds from today! i use an app on my phone called planta to keep track of all my plants, and once a month, i like to upload photos & notes as a monthly plant progress report. it does get pretty daunting, seeing allllll the tasks that i have to do daily in the app, but i slowly make my way through it! i'm one of those people who just really likes recording & organizing stuff, especially hobbies like reading, gardening, writing, working out, et cetera. i've got apps/websites for most of them!

the butterfly milkweed, bee balm, and coneflowers are steadily going dormant for the cold seasons -- i really really hope they survive and thrive in the spring!!! i'm proud to say i've been a lot better about remembering to prune my chrysanthemums and they definitely look a lot happier (especially compared to last fall's mums)! that coleus is inevitably going to die off, i've accepted it since they're not really meant for outdoors especially in the ground. my lithodora is looking alright (hopefully will bloom again in the spring), my gerbera daisies are looking gorgeous, and the petunias are doing alright (yet are looking a bit... scattered, i suppose).

that's mostly it now for this garden update! i will say my zinnias are still going mighty strong, and i've been seeing soooo many bugs & critters in my tiny lil city suburb garden, and that makes me happy! the stray cats are mostly comfortable with me, the birds love their bird feeders, the squirrels keep taking shits in my raised beds (as well as this one stray cat i call cinnabun), and there's a regular praying mantis in my garden that i am lowkey terrified of (she's just so fucking huge i think she's cool and i respect her but damn she watches me steadily and it's freaky)!

i am potentially going to try to make an arch trellis in the garden with these camping tent poles that i want to repurpose, so maybe that'll be my next big thing? or i do still want to do another greenhouse box once my budget is not as tight (although that's looking like not anytime soon unfortunately) -- we'll see in the future!!

thank you for sticking around this long, and i hope everyone has a wonderful day + weekend!!! :)

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lefluoritesys · 1 year ago

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Deinfluencing DID? Cool

TW: injuries, dissociative seizures, fainting, general health problems, medication, abuse, forced switches, religion, burdning things down, mentions of rape

Our room is a mess, dirty laundry everywhere, clothes are not hanged up and thrown on our bed, we haven’t cleaned our table, and barely ever vacuum or clean anything else. Why? Nobody wants to do it, plus we have ADHD that's interfering eith daily tasks as usual.

Our host forgot to tell our partner system they sprained our wrist. They sprained it January 30th. Told them, by accident, on July 11th.

Speaking of sprained limbs. Our co-host & persecutor-caretaker sprained our foot because they were stupid and weren't looking at where they're going. Resulted in missing a step on the stairs. They got a yelling lecture from our host (very loving lecture), and what did they do? Called the thing we had to wear on our leg "foot prison." Nothing else.

We got sick... I wanna say 2 days ago (memory issues). How did we do that? I don't know. What are we gonna do about it? Idfk, why are you asking me, we have like one medicine we take, but other than that-

Whenever people tell us that we're a minor and shouldn't be researching/reading stuff involving sexual topics, our sexual alters' immediate response to it is "if they wanted us to act like a child, they shouldn't have let us get raped when we were 4."

We suspect we have dissociative seizures. When things around us are overwhelming, we can very well just faint. Still conscious but unable to move or speak. Everything we hear during it will be forgotten. And those of us who are not host and co-host can faint because simply being in the body for too long is overwhelming.

We forget to take our meds that prevent us from fainting fully. Teenage thing, but our blood pressure drops unexpectedly, and we might pass out. Does the threat of literally dropping in the middle of the day, for which we had previously gotten admitted to the hospital, work? No. It's not happening rn, so-

Outer world is being run by 5-6 people (alters) who are not equipped for the outer world shit. Dealing with parents? No. School? So-so. Basic biological needs? Who needs those, am I right? /j

A while ago, we found a spider near our room, and we are all, collectively, terrified of spiders. Who did we push to front to deal with it? Our co-host, who hates/is scared of them more than all of us combined.

We have a factive of our mother in the system who fused with a Ballora fragment. Like, yk, the person who potentially abused us most in our lives is their source. She's currently in inner world therapy and is actively getting better. And we are learning to separate her from her source.

When we first figured out we were a system, our host was so stuck and so determined to find out more about our alters, we had to force switches to happen, and for a while thought we were actually faking. I'm aware that that's exactly what DID/OSDD is supposed to make you feel like, but others literally could not front sometimes without being physically forced out. Moreover, we didn't even know how switches were supposed to feel. Everything felt fake. How did we accept it? Pushed through (quite literally) and focused more on the exciting parts of it, rather than sad.

Speaking of first figuring our about our DID, we filmed many videos of our switches when we felt them coming, and alters introducing themselves via filming. We are now looking at them and both cringing and feeling nostalgic.

We still sometimes want to be a smaller system because it feels like it would have been simpler, and we would love to have all members of the system get along. But we also know our brain created us the way it did for our survival, and our nostalgia about "simpler days when we only knew 4 people" is a romantization. This is the first time we have actually had a semi-stable environment in 2 years.

The only one who celebrates the body's birthday is our host. Everybody else has their own birthdays either from source or made-up. We still celebrate them. Today (September 14th) is, in fact, one of our alters' birthday.

Our host and co-host have a child-parent relationship (respectively). A while ago, they were in co-con, listening to a song. Our co-host was holding our host to their arms in front piggyback style, was hugging them and rocking them back and forth. Why? For comfort. Because they're family.

Are we all collectively doing schoolwork? Nope, lmao. Doesn't work for us like that, we simply don't have memories of most things we studied since like 4th grade, can't get them either. Our host used to do all the schoolwork, but they got so much trauma from school and homework that now our co-host is in charge of it. And only them unless it's Japanese. And even then, it's a big maybe. Nobody wants to, so we created a schedule that works for us and our switches when it comes to studying.

Did I just have to look up where I was going on the metro because I realized I have no memories of it other than autopilot, and I am doubting whether I wanna leave on the right station? Yes. Yes, I did. Am I gonna be fronting when I reach the destination? Nope.

A while ago we burned down an inner world kingdom. Why? Idk, we just didn't like it. Who cares anyway?

One of our prosecutors bought premium on one of the apps we use, and they didn't get in trouble for it only because our host liked it. We're still using it to this day.

We have a system quote book.

Everybody in this system is pagan. I might be the only one not, and even that's a big maybe.

We really wanna watch Elemental but can never get around to it. Also, Nimona, although we have a good reason to postpone watching it.

We haven’t brushed our teeth in 2 weeks. Did yesterday like once. When's gonna be the next time? Who knows? :D Hygiene issues are real.

On Halloween, we're probably gonna watch FNaF Ruin the entire evening-night with our sibling.

Our ex-host is so unhinged that we have to watch them whenever they front like a hawk.

We are not a perfect system. Any blog you see, no matter how real it seems, doesn't reflect day-to-day experiences systems have. Most posts, generally, are made with strong emotions in mind, or for aesthetic purposes, or for venting purposes. I repeat what has been said before a million times: don't trust everything you see on the internet. People are real, but they are not going to let you know anything personal about them.

Honestly? Not sure why I wanted to make this post. Not gonna give you a reason either because I don't know it.

I am currently going to get cocoa and push our co-host to study. Have a good day, y'all. ✌️

-sexual protector

#did #did system #osdd system #osdd #system #dissociative identity disorder #other specified dissociative disorder #system stuff #system things #did osdd #osdd 1a #osdd 1b #complex dissociative identity disorder #did positivity #osdd positivity #system positivity #plural positivity #deinfluencing

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fairycosmos · 1 year ago

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Oh boy, things are extremely rough atm. Can you recommend any healthy coping mechanisms? I literally don’t know a single one that works for me except for self destruction and being on my phone until I don’t feel anything anymore. And apparently that’s not what we’re supposed to do when we’re sad

ok so unfortunately all of my healthy coping mechanisms only half work for me and it's a total gamble whether or not they're going to on any given day. and none of them ever cure my mental illness which is annoying. like they're not fail-proof solutions and a lot of the time they're simply frustrating in fact it often feels laughable to even try them. a walk is not going to make any of this better. but consistency DOES strengthen your coping skills like a weak muscle. like even after 3 days of practicing them i'm like Ok well i feel like shit but i survived without hurting myself and that was the whole point. not a cure but a tool. ok i'm just going to list them because otherwise, i will ramble forever. btw it's ok to do like, even half of one of these per day. there's no need to overwhelm yourself at all :) coping is coping.

meditation - it sounds and feels like bullshit but i follow this youtube called great meditation and they upload 10 min guided meditation sessions and they have truly gotten me through a lot of low moments at this point. sometimes i feel much better after and sometimes i barely notice a difference but the point is i've sat and breathed for a bit

journaling - i thought i needed some sort of mental health diary for this but then i just opened a google doc and followed these mental health journal prompts ( just one every other day, nothing overwhelming, and no pressure to write a lot or to write anything in particular) and it helped me organise my thoughts and notice the patterns i was/am locking myself into. there's also trauma processing prompts online if that is what you're after.

free writing - again just opening a word doc but this time you just write without thinking literally letting go and putting down whatever words your fingers type - no judgement no curation no performance no expectations.

submerging my face in cold water, holding ice cubs - good for grounding.

crying my eyes out, purposefully listening to sad songs or watching sad movies in order to do so - cleansing, painful, tires you out and can make you feel renewed briefly.

breathwork - again there's some great youtube vids for this. i do this 20 min nervous system reset somewhat often, but there's shorter ones that are also very effective. box breathing also helps if you just need a simple go to - breathe in for 4, hold for 4, our for 4.

lie down on a hard surface or the floor with your back straight - another grounding thing. to occupy your mind during this you can name 5 things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one you can taste.

pat your arms, legs, stomach, head, chest gently and breathe deeply - again it can be grounding.

watch trail cam vids of cute animals, use the wikipedia page generator to read up on smth you've never really thought about before, download duolingo and start learning a language. not to become fluent just to get your mind out of the place it's in, even for 5 minutes.

literally just move around especially outside - HATEEE to say it but stretching on your bedroom floor, going for a walk, following an exercise video etc - it can really help you feel a bit less stale and myopic. if it's too much, opening a window is a good start. or simply standing outside your house for 2 minutes and going back in. the air will feel good.

make sure all your bases are covered - have you eaten, have you slept, have you showered, have you talked to someone in the last few days, are you hydrated? if not, make a small move towards doing one of those things. feeling like crap physically only compounds how crap you feel mentally and so the cycle perpetuates.

scream, punch/throw pillows, snap pencils, stab at paper with pens.

affirmations - i'm trying to build a list of ones that resonate with me specifically because a lot of them don't LOL. but there's a lot of good resources online for this. one of my favorite current ones is: doing a little is better than doing nothing. a job half done is better than a job not done at all.

do something creative - it's not about being an artistic genius it's about doing something tangible with your hands and getting out of your head and using the space in your brain to focus on something that doesn't feel doomed. drawing, singing, cooking, playing an instrument, writing, whatever you want. you don't have to have done it before. you can just do it.

talk to someone you trust/care about, let them in even a tiny bit. it's ok to verbalise these things. give them a fair chance to be there for you the way you'd want to be there for them. i know it's hard, all of this is, but it's not impossible. also, look for any communal resources you can find - support groups, local therapists who may offer sliding scale prices that are affordable. it all sucks but it's something.

will add more when/if any come to mind. i'm sorry you're feeling like this and i sincerely hope it all becomes a bit lighter for you soon. sending so much love. x

#anon

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hazshit-hotel-hater · 8 months ago

Text

*jingles keys infront of your face*

Hi guys

Having a strange night again but I suddenly remembered Frank Sinatra exists and my brain went nuts for a second and I remembered one very specific song that reminds me of Angel Dust and also this brings me to my topic of how to write what Episode 4 was trying to do without being shit.

Song for your listening pleasure~

youtube

Alright *cracks knuckles* let me tell you how my brain is working.

Poison is meant to sound like a generic romance pop song about a bad relationship on the surface but the audience is supposed to know it’s about something much worse. Now lets flip that around real quick.

“My Way Of Life” is a romance song.

At least I think it is? I’m under the aromantic umbrella and I don’t pick up on this stuff good.

BUT try listening to the song while imagining the wording to be more hostile and literal.

A few standout ones are these in my opinion

—————

Gotta have you near all the time, with your dreams wrapped up in mine.

Gotta be a part of your soul and your heart all the time.

You are my way of life.

The only way I know.

I’ll never let you go.

Because “I love you so.”

You are my way of life.

The only way I know.

Make me your way of life.

Don’t ever go.

Nothing in the world that I do means a thing without you.

Im just half alive, in my struggle to survive without you.

Never let you out of my sight.

Be it day.

Be it night.

You belong to me.

That’s the way it has to be; wrong or right.

—————

Colour coding this by which characters I feel represents these best by the way. Angel-ish ones are pink and Valentino ones are red.

When you look at them in a tone like that with certain lines being possessive, and fake (ie. “I love you so”) and the others being despairing, self-loathing, you can hopefully see how I mistook this for a much more unhappy song when I first heard it.

If you look at a song like this thats so dramatic and intense and full of emotion, it’s going to be better than some generic pop song like 99% of the time. The music also make sense for the time period Angel died since Sinatra was popular in the 1940-1950’s which I personally think adds more.

How I imagine some kind of music video for this would play out, I’ll probably end up storyboarding it sometime, but bear with me till I do. would be a lot of Angel doing day to day things and tapping more into what ADDICT did with flashbacks and hallucinations and so on without shoving rape in our faces. I touched on this in my original Episode 4 rant so I’m going to vaguely recap on that. There are times where very simple things can trigger unpleasant memories, I think everyone knows that. But for some reason, Vivzie seems to think the only way to show SA actually happened is to deliberately show us since every other character thats been sexually assaulted or sexually abused has it played off as a joke. Yes I am fucking talking about Sir Pentious.

Angel having a flashback or hallucination doesn’t have to be of it happening. It can be something as simple as sitting next to Valentino. Someone pronouncing something the same way Valentino would. A specific piece of trash on the floor like a cup showing up somewhere else. Reminders can be tiny have a massive impact. Sometimes reminders for shit I’ve experienced is something as small as a hat, water, or a nickname. Even a day of the month can be nerve wracking.

Im about to start listing a bunch of ideas and stuff so this may end up being the entire song, brace yourself for reading all this.

0:00-0:32

I feel like this would start with Angel in his room staring at a wall, probably drinking after work.

“Gotta have you near all the time with your dreams wrapped in mine.”

Is less of a willing “gotta” and more of a “I can’t do anything else.” with the talk of dreams alluding more to the fact that Angel’s original wants from the contract are long gone and noting that Valentino is controlling his career, future, needs, wants, “privileges”.

“Gotta be a part of your soul and of your heart all the time.”

Is once again about the contract of Angel’s soul.

0:33-0:51

“Nothing in the world that I do means a thing without you.”

In the original song I assume this is meant to be like “Life is so dull without you” but for the way I hear this song, it sounds a lot more like “Nothing that I do holds any meaning without your name attached to it.” in a kind of corporate way. I imagine this part with Angel walking down the street and seeing posters of himself but all of them have credits to Valentino somewhere on them. Angel likes his job but obviously the job that he previously enjoyed has turned into a dangerous and traumatic one. Posters like this can both be seen as a reminder that Angel is no longer in control of his own life and as some kind of intrusive thought like “I’m only famous because of you. I gave up everything for this.” AKA Valentino manipulating his way of thinking about his situation.

“I’m just half alive in my struggle to survive without you.”

Once again calling back to Angel’s contract. This part to me is more of what I stated in another rant I did a while ago. Honestly if I ever did this it’d likely take place after or during season 2 under the assumption Valentino dies. This is more of what I said in the linked post, but it’s a lot of Angel processing everything that’s happened to him. Everything suddenly hitting him all at once. “Struggle to survive without you” doesn’t mean that Angel is struggling because Valentino is gone, health struggling because he was there in the first place. Angel is dealing with and processing severe trauma and judging by ADDICT, dealing with vivid flashbacks and hallucinations as well.

0:52-1:15

A lot of this section reminds me of how I processed my emotions when I first realised that I had control over my own life again and I feel like Angel would feel very similarly to how I did.

“You are my way of life. The only way I know.”

After so many years of sticking to this strict regime, enduring so much pain and stress, it’s so hard to just suddenly snap out of it. That was your reality for years and it’s over, but everything that happened is still clinging to you so harshly it feels like its still happening, but when you prepare for a previous habit you picked up from that time and it doesn’t happen it can be so jarring it’s terrifying that you’re still so used to it. My best example in this setting is going to hang up a call and saying “Hey I have to go do something” and you expect to have to lie about why you’re leaving or prepare for the other person to get mad and then they just. Don’t. And you can hang up normally. I know some people wont get this but that kinda stuff is such a specific feeling of realisation.

“You are my way of life. I’ll never let you go.”

Can be taken as either Angel talking to himself; saying he’ll never let the memories and trauma from Valentino go because it’s so engrained into his mind, or, as Angel remembering Valentino explicitly stating he will never let him go. Even if Valentino is dead by this time, it could still be done with a flashback or auditory hallucination like Angel had in Episode 2.

I don’t think I’ll be diving into this entire song, but it really hit something in my brain. I had to quickly sketch a possible frame for a video if I did ever make one:

It’s a bit basic, but hopefully you see what I’m going for. This was for the 0:52-1:15 section mostly, but I can see it being used in various other places.

I hope this was at least a little bit interesting for you all and if not at least maybe I could introduce you to a really good Frank Sinatra song! Usually my really long posts like this don’t get much traction, but I hope this one at least sees a glimpse of daylight because it really is an interesting idea to me. If you have any thoughts, questions, or ideas for this please tell me I love when you guys ask me stuff. I am hopefully going to knock out now because it’s 2:44 AM at the time of writing this, so whenever I post this, please enjoy.

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casanovawrites · 1 year ago

Text

random sentence prompts ━ from various tv shows, part 4

surviving is a choice. make yours.

you can’t be afraid to kill. you understand?

i’m not afraid to kill. i’m just… afraid.

i was trying to save lives. i had to try. somebody had to.

if they slaughtered everyone once, what the hell makes this any different?

this sounds like a suicide mission.

we did terrible things in its name.

my honest advice would be that if you’re that miserable, you should break up with them and be with me instead.

you are remarkably resistant. it must be exhausting.

how is it possible that this is the most scared i’ve been all day?

you don’t have to like what i did. i don’t. but just accept it.

we’ve all done the worst kinds of things just to stay alive. but we can still come back, we’re not too far gone.

this is why i like you. you just want to hold my hand.

when are you two going to make out already?

have you ever had to work for anything?

bad things happened because i was scared. they didn’t need to. i didn’t need to be afraid.

i don’t have to be tough. i can run. i’m good at that.

my mom used to say, “everything works out the way it’s supposed to.”

have you been in love with me this whole time?

you start breathing, i’ll start you a shower, and we’ll go from there.

maybe we could catch our breath here for a while.

life isn’t a race. you taught me that.

the whole world’s haunted now. there’s no getting out of that - not until we’re dead.

we’re supposed to be working together.

this year would have been painful without you.

you were so self-obsessed, you never noticed your best friend needed you.

i don’t feel challenged.

if this is where you want to be, then stay.

i need to know if you mean what i think you mean. do you still love me?

i’m with you. ’til the world explodes.

if we’re going to do this, you need to be all in.

it’s funny how you don’t even notice the time go by. horrible shit just stacks up day after day.

you are not safe, no matter how many people are around.

we’re strong enough that we can still help people.

this is the nightmare, but nightmares end.

we ain’t dead. whatever happened, happened. let’s start over.

there’s nothing left in the world that isn’t hidden.

we’re friends. we have each other’s backs, that’s it. that’s how it works.

growing up is getting used to the world.

we do what we need to do, and then we get to live.

we don’t have to be friends. it just doesn’t have to be quiet.

people always die. you know that.

you don’t know yourself. that’s the big ah-ha for me here. i get you more than you get you.

i know that i love you, and i need you, and maybe you could love me too. and that’s okay.

all you do is hurt me.

oh, please, like you haven’t been waiting for me to screw up.

you’re no sheep. you’re a wolf.

i actually thought you wanted to be my friend.

asshole, i don’t go to the gym every day.

so, you’re leaving to fight ghosts? that’s the plan?

i don’t think any one place can be someone’s everything.

all i have is pain.

there are very few people in this world that make me feel the way you do.

can we just forget this ever happened, please?

you’re doing great. i promise.

it’s you and me against the world, okay?

friendship doesn’t matter. love doesn’t matter.

i’m superhuman, right? made of steel.

people will say almost anything to save their own life.

what if i hadn’t come home in time?

they think we’re guilty, so we are.

i’m grieving the loss of what we could have made this place.

tonight, even though we are in hell, i feel like i have another chance with you.

you and me are the way out.

i won’t let anything pull us apart again. you hear me?

i should've just skipped class, partied, had sex, have fun.

you smell like shit.

we need to get the fuck out of here now.

you are not defined by what happened to you. you are what you do.

fuck it. i’m dying tonight one way or another.

maybe you’re right. maybe shit is doomed.

the reality is, i’m dying. i am dying. you have to face that.

what happened to “me and you against the world, you’re all i need”?

stop crying where everyone can see you. it’s embarrassing.

all my days are bad.

tonight’s been the first time i’ve felt like myself in months. it’s been so long. i forgot what that felt like.

you make me feel like… me.

you drive me crazy sometimes but we're in this together. you're not alone.

#ask meme #sentence prompts #prompts #rp sentence prompts #rp ask meme #ask memes #*#meme

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fertilize-my-eggs · 5 months ago

Text

King of decay ch.3

Kidnapped a new bride

A03 ch.1 ch.2 ch.4

A/N: trigger warning this chapter get violent, shigaraki is misogyny violent individual so you have been warned!! Reader get sexually assaulted by him.

“ YOU KILL MY FAMILY!! YOU PIECE OF SHIT!!!! "You're sobbing on my back as I enter the kingdom, I smirk as I tilt my head at you.

“ Well maybe if you were single and pure this wouldn't happen. ” you blink a few times as you slam your fist on my back in rage.

“ FUCK YOU!! GO TO HELL! ” I hear you screaming loudly calling me all these names as I shrugged it off.

You're so adorable when you're aggressive, it turns me on… I smirk as I slap your ass hard.

“ if you keep this up, I'll send you to my doctor to get you fixed… would you like your ill mind to go under surgery? ” you gasp as you stare at me in anger.

“ What the hell is that supposed to mean? Let's go!!! I'll have the king send you to the dungeon!! ” I chuckle at you as I smirk wide as I look directly at you.

“ … I am the king. What do you think you're here at my kingdom? ” I tilt my head at you as you suddenly pause as the realization hits you like a ton of bricks.

“ your…. You're…. ” you begin sobbing heavily as you cover your face with your hands.

“ you're worse than the original…” I rolled my eyes at your statement as it was close to morning, it's probably like one am.

“ sweetheart.. at least I didn't starve you and the village like he did.. ”

“ Still, that doesn't matter!!! You murdered my family for no reason. ”

“ no there is a reason baby~ ” you tilt your head as we're getting closer to my master bedroom.

“ What do you mean?!?? ”

“ well see my hands on your cute body? ” You thought about it as you looked at me.

“ yeah and? ”

“ I'm cursed with decay so it doesn't affect you when my hands touch your skin.. meaning you're the only one but everything can easily decay just by me touching them with these hands.”

“ you're immune to my curse and the reason is to make you my bride and to bring heir into this kingdom.” I smirk at you sinisterly.

“ You'll be my queen… a special diamond for me to keep, I'll treat you well. ” you roll your eyes as you lean your head downward in pain.

“ you…. Kill my son Leon and my daughter… Felicity.. you monster. ”

“ You should be grateful that you can survive this curse that I deal with. ”

“ be grateful?? I didn't know you existed until you bump into me.. just… ” you cry out.

“ Please just murder me so I can rest without this misery. ” I huff out air as I grab the door knob as I hear soft humming as I sighed in annoyance.

I look forward to seeing the maiden leader toga himiko as she skips freely towards me.

What the hell is she doing at this hour?

She bowed her head as I heard you plead for her help.

“ good night your Majesty~ what ya doing? ” I tilt my head as I hold you tight so you won't escape.

“ nothing… just found myself a bride~. ” toga gasp as she clapped her hands together.

“ ohh how romantic your majesty!! Are you two going to make sweet love? ” her sinister smile wide as her eyes narrowed in pure evil and joy.

I smirk at her as I tap your thighs.” not yet, I'm planning on marrying her and we'll do it on our honeymoon... Well I have this planned for a new child to rule this kingdom.“

Himiko gasps loudly as she puts her hands on her cheeks.

“ that wonderful your highness-..”

“ you two… are insane.”

“.... ignore her maiden, she's just a bit tired and needs rest… right my beautiful wife? ” I give you a sinister stare as you close your lips tight.

“ As I was saying.. for this honeymoon, she’ll be locked in my room for days until she's pregnant with my first child. ” tilt my head as I think, putting my thumb on my lip.

“ planned on having five or more children with her. ” your eyes widen by this as you softly cry, you grip my red cloak.

“ aww such a big family your highness!! How sweet and romantic~!!! ” She cooed sweetly as she said.

“ I bet the children will come out as beautiful as you fair bride!! ” toga sweetly coo at you as you had a disgusting look towards her.

“ Be gone maiden, I have to rest well.. let's the others know there will be a wedding tomorrow afternoon. "She's bowing her head as she has a smile on her face.

“ as you wish your Majesty~!! ” I smile as I open the door heading inside as toga skip off to tell the kingdom about the wedding tomorrow.

I lock my door as you slap my back weakly.

“ you're a monster… I won't give you anything!! ” I smirk at you as I put you down.

“ we’ll see about that, my love~. ” I yawn out as I grab you by the hair as you're screaming in pain.

“ WHERE ARE YOU TAKING ME LET ME GO, IT'S HURTS!!! ” I look down at you with a smirk.

“ you're flirty, I can't have you sleeping on my sheet with these old rags.”

“ stop stop stop!! Let me go, let me go immediately, it hurts.” I rolled my eyes as I dragged you into the restroom.

It's was massive as I ripped your clothes off, the decaying helped a lot easier as I saw your naked body.

I bite my lips as it's the first time I'm seeing a woman being nude in front of my eyes as I lick my lips.

I removed my clothes immediately as you scream.” no no no! I'm not letting you take advantage of me. ”

I chuckle as I grip your wrists tight as I lean in.” relax woman, we're taking a bath. I won't do anything… yet until our honeymoon begins. ” I kiss your neck as I pull you close.

“ This is what husband and wife do together, right? Spend time together and have rough intercourse like animals of the night? ”

You grind your teeth together as you growl.” you're not my husband… ”

“ not yet until tomorrow. Let's enjoy our first time taking a bath and you sleep naked with me.. ” I widened my smile.

“ I'll let you wear anything you want but in my bed, you'll sleep naked. ”

“ as if!!! I would rather be dead than be near you!! ” I chuckle as I drag you into the bath where I focus you to clean.

You whine as you begin to scratch my skin as I get into the tub, pulling you onto my lap.

I put on shampoo as I began to scrub your hair and body parts. You didn't like how my hands touch inappropriately as you slap my hands away when it was getting close to your crotch area.

I pull your waist closer to my chest as I coo at you.

“ I'll destroy your mindset and you'll become my loyal obedient wife to play with. ” you gulp as you stay still and I gently rub soap on your skin.

I press a kiss on your neck as I grip your hips tight, moving it back and forth on top of my cock, I smile softly with low hooded eyes as I bite my lips.

Soon… soon I'll impregnate you but not yet.

I groan loudly feeling your bare butt touch my hard thick cock.

“ not yet.. I promise~. ” I coo at you as I hold you still from leaving, I lean on your shoulders as I begin to rub your breast.

I pinched and pulled your nipples as you gasp out.

“ please… stop.. I don't want-.. ” I pull you into a heat kiss as I wish to take my virginity away by sticking it inside your sweet warm wall but not right now.

I groan away as I begin to clean myself as you squirm on my lap.

Once I think we're finished as I pull you up and begin to dry you off, you would slap my hand when I touch your bare ass.

“ You will let me touch whatever I want!! You're my bride and I own your body as the king!! ” I raise my voice as you flinch by my reaction as I growl at you.

You're scared by this reaction and you realize there is no way to escape from me.

Once we're dry off our bodies, I grab your wrist to drag you into the bedroom as I throw you into the bedsheets.

I pounce on top of you as I begin to wrap my arms around your body as I hear you begging and pleading quietly.

Tomorrow will be an amazing day as I whisper sweet nothing into your ear as I cuddle your body close.

#tw abuse #tw sex assault #tw noncon #shigaraki tomura #x reader #fanfic #minors dni #mha #bnha #anime #mha au #king shigaraki #dark fantasy #dead dove

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