#house to myself for the next few weeks
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When I actually have the time to cook..
#personal#plus the kitchen to myself#thank fuck#house to myself for the next few weeks#so needed#introvert things
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hi friends !! ^_^ i’ll be on a hiatus until further notice <3 i’m sending all of you the bestest of wishes !! until i’m back, please take great care of yourselves !! MWUUUAH !! 🍓
original pinned linkiedink ! 🍨
#a brief reasoning for this sudden hiatus !! ->#i’ve been very tired & working quite a bit which has caused me to be a bit drained T^T#writers block has also hit me like a bus i fear </3#i feel like a nice break during this summer season should help me feel a bit better !!#i want to continue loving tumblr as much as i do now so a hiatus should help !!#everything has just felt a bit off and i haven’t had much motivation </3 i want to focus on myself for a bit so i can feel better !!#im also going to be very busy these next few weeks !!#out of town—house sitting when im back—and also work on top of that T^T#i’ll be back before you know it i hope !! i promise im not quitting <3#i’ll still be reading of course because it comforts me <3 kita especially right now !! ^_^#for my mooties and anyone else !! please feel free to use my askbox or tag me in games/anything still :3#i’ll definitely respond once im back !! <3#I LOVE ALL OF YOU SOSO DEARLY !! kisses to all of you !! mwuah mwuah 🍓#₍ᐢ..ᐢ₎ — lene’s latest gossip .ᐟ
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#okay random story time i don't know why im narrating this or how i even stumbled upon this memory rn#but i generally do sad vents in the tags and for a change this is a funny one#so back in highschool (i say highschool but i mean junior college) i used to visit this park near my house a lot#i was an sg kid back then and the thing about parks there is that they're kinda beach-parks and they have the best cycling/running tracks#they're also really massive parks so i used to go often. sometimes bicycling. other times walking. yeah. the park was like my sanctuary#anyway. there are quite a few bike rental areas in the park and there was a cute lil shop next to this one particular rental place#and they sold like biscuits and water and icecreams and stuff and i went there a lot#and on one particular day i went there and there was this guy around my age part timing at that shop#now again this might be culture specific bc i dont see it in india but part timing in uni/pre-uni is pretty common is sg#a lot of shops and restaurants employ teenagers to twenty something ppl for part time jobs... anyway im just adding context#point is that i had walked to the park with my mum that day and she told me to go buy a couple icecreams so i went to the shop#and i saw this guy around my age and like. not to be a simp but this dude was so pretty?#like he saw someone had come to the counter so he looked up and shot a smile and i thought i got slapped by sunlight#i could spend the next several lines going on about his pretty tan skin and his glowing raven eyes but this is pathetic enough so ill stop#anyway he saw me and smiled really wide (customer service smile- i thought to myself) and i smiled back and asked for icecreams or whatever#and then this guy started getting chatty right. so he was all 'you come here (to the park) often right? ive seen you with your bike a lot'#see now. the problem with me is that i always think im bothering people. this poor dude was attempting to make conversation#and i was replying with one word answers#and i wasn't even realizing that he didnt want that. bc he kept asking more questions and i. kept. shutting them down.#then when he gave me the icecream he was all 'are you here alone? icecream alone is no fun... i could keep you company if you want..?'#which. he was being really cute about right. but because im so fucking dense i was all 'oh no i came with my mom actually'#and he went 'aw man' in this really cute but faux sad way which i didnt understand at the time and i left and then#after three full fucking days. i realized this man was tryna hit on me?#and then i went to the park like a week later and he was gone. poof. i even thought of asking the uncle in charge of that place#then i got too embarrassed and chickened out#yeah so turns out my neurodivergence neutralizes any sort of rizz that comes my way#i could've been chilling with a cute boyf rn but no😩 this is my destiny#megumi in the tags
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do you ever feel casually suicidal? like you're not depressed or anything you're doing fine but also it feels like a convenient option
#if you can't make connections with people or be seen by anyone then like. at least you can feel like you're helping a better cause#to like charities and gfms and anyone else#but you have to tone that down bc you're slowly losing money bc you still can't get a job#and bc you don't have a job it means you're just stuck in the house all day. which gives Way Too Much opportunity to Think about everything#and also so like. i still share a room with my sister but it was fine bc she'd stay at her bf's a few nights a week#but he's got a job that's a bit further away and basically she can't go round his as much. so now it's maybe like once a week#the room is getting messier so it gives me less energy to do anything#you can get really into an unhealthy weight loss obsession bc at least it feels like you're getting towards something#but idek is set weight theory real? bc once i get down to a certain point it suddenly resets#like honestly counting calories and donating money to every gfm i saw and writing a film script was what kept me going#but first one isn't working and second i need some sort of income and third is finished and i have no way of actually creating it#and then there's the whole lack of stable hyperfixation and ability to find new music i enjoy#and realistically what would fix me is having a good job that i enjoy and somewhere to live on my own#but until i get a job that's currently impossible. and even then it probably won't feel like enough#my entire life is lived on my phone i need more physical objects but i don't have enough space#bc i share a room with my sister. it's like all my problems are connected#and i have enough optimism that i still think it'll get better in the next few weeks. maybe i'll be able to get a job and that'll#get everything going again#but at the same time i could easily just die#I've graduated from uni. I've seen the who live 3 times. I've crashed my car twice. I've watched 30 years of corrie. I've met various dogs#what else is there to do with my life honestly#(<- joking)#but yeah like. in summer 2021 i almost got suicidal (it was just letting the occasional thought linger in my mind etc)#but that was bc i was so depressed#but now it feels like i could just kill myself. but more just out of convenience#idek. i'm not gonna kill myself. bc i have a job interview on tuesday. and just in general i won't#but there is this casual feeling of like. well i might as well. i can't describe it#ramble#suicide tw#weight loss mention
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they need to make a killing myself I can do every weekend but only on the weekends so I can get up fine on monday and go to work again
#.vent#maybe i should start drinking so i can get blackout drunk every weekend. or fuck around w sedatives or pay someone to just whack me round#the head with a sledgehammer on friday evenings and hopefully ill recover from the concussion by mondays#its not even funny what the fuck is wrong with me that i have to spend all my free time trying not to kill myself i feel so sick#im literally fine at work i guess i just dont know how to have fun or be happy or feel wanted or cared for or loved by other people#but dont have to think about that when im working so its fine 5/7 days which is pretty good. im so lonely i want to throw up#tried to leave the house got ready and everything and then burst into tears for no reason ive spent the past hour trying to talk myself#down from hurting myself and i probably wont in the next few hours but i almost certainly will before the day is up. oh well#man who fucking cares. typing this isnt making me feel any better i dont really know what to do anymore#i have a drs appt in 2 weeks for smth unrelated but maybe ill ask abt antidepressants. theres nothing specific causing this#my brain just doesnt work right.i dont even feel like a person most of the time#well nothing else to say 👍
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hey will be off tumblr for the rest of the week - things are Happening again and my head feels ready to explode.........would really appreciate prayer again. I'm constantly feeling like I'm on the brink of something (I don't KNOW what) terrible and I need to figure things out without before my body really DOES decide to shut down from the stress and the strange depressive dread that has been very difficult to shake this month. I would like to not feel like crying or throwing up at certain points in the day and also would like to not be so exhausted in the heart and mind area so that I can actually deal with these things. Especially since finals are looming ahead
#wish i had my support network but what with all my friends being so busy#with school work engagements marriage pregnancies housing issues#and my priests both up to their ears in work and all my older sister figures#having issues and more important things to deal with and my family being one of the sources of high stress#i dont have anyone to talk to or go to at the moment#so i need to figure that out before i have another health crisis because my body's starting to give up on me#(again)#on top of that there needs to be planning in place for the summer and next fall and graduation#i just want to stick my head in the ground like an ostrich and stay there!!!! instead of wading through this mess during midterm season#and having to start finals the WEEK after midterms end#complaining again sorry#i am so tired and trying to be cheerful/distracting myself only lasts a few hours#im trying. i promise im trying. but the world seems rather bleak right now#and it is very hard not to feel so very alone#anyway i love you all and i'll see you soon
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had quite the night drive earlier this evening.
#just me rambling again#web weaving#(?)#uh. one of my friends who is out of town for college was visiting and i got to see him and our friends and the only core member of that#group of people missing was my ex girlfriend who you may also know of as my wonderful wife#who has I assume been very busy with their own life things but has also barely and very sparsely had any hint of communication with any of#us within the past few months which I've been realizing very recently sort of hurts my feelings because we used to be so close and#they had been saying that they would be constantly making sure we still were in each other's lives. but then very quickly have#seemingly dropped off the face of the earth#anyways. I was driving aforementioned friend who is in town back home (family home not college obv) and when i was finally going back#towards my house afterwards my Google maps finally lead me to an area that i was more familiar with driving and i got to an#intersection and it was telling me to take a right to go home but i knew that i knew the way perfectly from that intersection to my#ex girlfriend / best friend / wifes familys house from all of the times I've gone that direction through the past years and so#i turned off my directions and i took a left towards their house#not super sure why but my brain and body just knew it was something i needed to do and so i went and drove down their street and cried#a lot the whole time and then drove myself home from their house once again following a super familiar path#and idk im still feeling very emotional about it. the fact that halloween by noah kahan was the first song to play on Spotify#after i made that left turn im sure didnt help (knowing that i miss them so much and am going to be leaving this area myself#soon enough here and there's been an open offer for a while now that they are welcome to follow and live with me once they get their degree#(and also um. halloween is next week lol)#idk i just havent felt the full force of how badly i miss having them in my life until tonight. when i was around this person i could feel#our souls singing in harmony. i genuinely cannot describe the feelings of our relationship in words i feel like only vaguely abstract art#could communicate the connection that was forged between us and the level of understanding and knowing#something not dissimilar to looking into the sun directly or trying to describe a vivid color to someone who is completely blind#something about the way the entire universe breathes in unison and everything around us are all pieces of the same stars#sigh#i miss my wife tails i miss her a lot /ref
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had an amazing interview yesterday.... was told I'd know by Monday.... but it's alleged they DRUG TEST and I just bought 6 packs of weed edibles 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
#AND!!!!! AND!!!!!! IVE GOT THE HOUSE TO MYSELF FOR A SOLID WEEK!!!!!!!#i guess ill know monday if i can get high that night or tuesday but like.... i want to have one now lmao#like.... the paper i signed was more worried about being drunk on the jo#and OBVIOUSLY i wouldnt show up to my folder customer service job high off my ass..... but that thc can stay in your system for awhilw#i had one last nigbt tk celebrate the interview so idk if im even in the clear to begin with#and like.... i told them my start date would ve the 20th & im out of town vefore that so the goal is like.... they go to achedule#and we have to schedule it way out so i have time to like.....not worry & get my pee clean#like.... it wouldnt matter so much if my parents werent LEAVING this E N T I R E week... like.... this is MY vacatioj too!!!!!#and i just bought it after a horrid week 😭😭😭😭😭 worked my ass of it for it in order to relax this week#like#i know i shouldnt be dependent on it and im really trying not to ve#but the anti-anxiety relaxing of it all helps so much#and im reeeeeally not the biggest fan of drinking....i pee too much 😭😭😭😭😭 ironically 😭😭😭😭😭😭#like.... at this point.... its like..... do i care about getting this job more than i care about letting my brain and body relax this week#i always put myself first & listen to my heart & soul to dictate what to do#but my mind just keeps thinking about getting that failed drug test back and going back to the job hunt#but im still IN the job hi t#*hunt#AND HERES THE THING!!!! walking around that damn office.... seeing what people were wearing.....#its professional but i know damn well theres people in there smoking weed#like.... 25 of the 50 employees i saw showed up in casual loungepants these people are not prestigious#and like.... the paper i signed.... they didnt even edit to include the company name????#it kept saying “the Company will not like you to drink on the clock and assumes you will not get behind company vechiles drunk either”#like.... tooooootally understandable i just wanna eat some edibles before im an official employee of your folder business my loves#let me have a 50mg and zone out for the night while im finally free from all these losers..... PLEASE#anyways......personal problems that my brain needs to expel so it doesnt tumble all around for the next few houes#WHILE I DOORDASH 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 fuck me#like..... i got this interview through indeed ill just keep going till i cant if it fails
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whenever i have absolutely nothing going on and don’t need to be anywhere or do anything, everyone around me is perfectly healthy but when i have huge things that i absolutely cannot afford to miss then half my family gets sick at once with different diseases
#WHY ARE THEY SICK ALL THE TIME BUT SPECIFICALLY ONLY WHEN I DESPERATELY NEED TO STAY HEALTHY#i’m gonna start killing. i have a big thing on friday and a concert next week and a tattoo coming up and i need to be okay for all of those#and i’m running things at the community house for two weeks straight. i cannot afford to be out of commission for even a few days.#& nobody gets it. for me being sick is not just unfortunate it is literally hell on earth. the worst possible thing that could happen to me#i’d rather break a bone or sprain my ankle or have an ibs flare or crash my car. literally anything else#AND DO NOT GET ME STARTED ON OTHER TYPES OF ILLNESS. I WILL KILL EVERYONE IN THIS HOUSE AND THEN MYSELF.#tell me. why. when i was living with 4 roommates in a cramped apartment for 4 years. i only got sick twice.#but living with my family. for 9 months. i have gotten sick 4 times. and most times it was directly traceable to someone else in the house.#i am filled with such unspeakable violence i need to leave i need to leave i need to leave#GUESS IM NOT GONNA EAT FOR A WEEK BECAUSE GOD FORBID I INTRODUCE A PATHOGEN INTO MY SYSTEM#<- i know this is not how it works but that is how my brain has rationalized it for decades
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#dear friends in my phone:#I just lost my family (they’re not dead they just want nothing to do with me anymore)#so I may be a little needy for the next few days or weeks or so#and if you could just indulge me I would be so so so unbelievably thankful#I don’t have any local friends and I work weird hours anyway and I’m just so insanely lonely#and exhausted because I’ve had zero help with being an adult or even being fucking RAISED like I’ve been running this shit since I was about#6 years old so#anyway#I’m very busy trying to paint my entire house by myself#but when I get a little downtime I would love to chat with some of you ♡#that’s all okay bye! 😘#(playing it off as if I’m not 😭😭😭)
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#wedding dance practices have officially started#went after work and was at my cousins house until 1:30am 💀💀💀#and yall jxwjxwlxqkxq theres so many songs#but ive learned a few already 😎#also i learned the 8 asle gidda dances last week myself hehe so we might do that too lool#shaadi szn#when will it end#from this summer to next summer i have 3 weddings (ALL MY COUSINS)#and im invited to EVEN MORE#another one in pak this year#wish me luck#mehrtalks
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#chats#genuinely exactly what it feels like#it's kind of funny I've been like completely absent from my life for like a year#and didn't even notice#take one (1) of the new antidepressant#immediately like later that day walking around the house and I'm suddenly capable of noticing mess#'huh how did it get this bad'#'I should clean that up' AND THEN I DO IT???????#I'm so transcendentally happy compared to what my baseline has been#I'm going to be really deeply obnoxious for the next few weeks#while I get reacquainted with myself#just wandering around grinning at people like “GOD ISN'T THE WORLD BEAUTIFUL”#“HAVE YOU NOTICED THE LEAVES LATELY”#“I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO NOTICE THE LEAVES FOR A WHILE BUT NOW I CAN AND FUCK THEY'RE GOOD”
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#my family is going to florida for a few days next week/weekend#i am now entering the sad era :(#for I do not enjoy having the house to myself for days & nights#many of you know this well bc I complain whenever this happens :)#it's especially bad now because our dogs are needy as hell - loki in particular hasn't been trained to be left alone#plus my gym is closed for remodeling this week#it just all means I'm going to be home by myself a lot more than I want to be
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greetings and salutations and hi and hello and *hugs you*
you’re a beautiful and wonderful soul and we love seeing you around here and you have a great sense of humor and *shakes you* I will filter out the blues from your wonderful head by means of centrifugal force *throws you in a blender /aff*
*hugs you back*
Jehehtnbensnfnnsbasjnffnnwnss thank you anon <3
You’re so sweet, the blues are definitely leeching away 🫂🥰
#I discovered it may be due to PMS#I’m supposed to start next week#but also I’m famously bad at taking care of myself#and I grew up with 5 siblings#but right now they’re at mum’s house and I’m at dad’s house#so it’s just me and my dad#but he’s working#so I’ve been alone when I’m not necessarily the type of person left alone#and combine that with not taking care of myself properly#I’m lonely and I feel bad but I’ve got few ways to take care of it#and it’s hard to be open with my dab#because i just have a hard time communicating with him#i love him very much#so he didn’t do anything wrong don’t mistake me#i’m just also bad at communicating#XD#which is why I’m telling you all this#because I’m lonely and I feel bad and unfortunately#i wear my heart on my sleeve#and I talk a lot#and one day that will get me hurt so it scares me#see#i just dumped a bunch of details to you#I’m too open for my own good XD#ANYWAYS#ahahahahahahahahhaa knock knock#interrupting cow#MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO#lovely anon#thank you for the ask! 🩷
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in all seriousness i 90% sure im going to quit my job tomorrow and for a while i will have just enough money to live on and will have to spruce up my resume and job hunt and stress but MY GOD i need to do something else because this is making me suicidal
#like actively suicidal. wanting to die in a way i have not since highschool. literally woke up and thought 'i dont want to be here anymore'#and then couldnt make myself get out of bed until like 10 minutes before i had to leave the house for job 2#i know its unprofessional but i pretty much...quiet quit i guess. i worked from home for like a month straight without telling my boss#and she called yesterday wondering about it and the whole time the only thing i could think of was 'you didnt even know for a MONTH#thats how little people communicate around here#the office culture is toxic. the people are self absorbed and shut me out. ive gone through like 6 big life events and no one knows because#no one in that office cares enough to ask. and even if i volunteer the most i get is a 'wow that wild look at this tiktok yeah anyway'#im so burnt out. i have 1 day of rest and i dont get to do that at all. so no like im not going to get up get dressed sit in traffic park#on the street because a year later they still havent given me a clicker for the parking lot and sit in the back of a warehouse for hours#talking to no one. ive literally gone days without talking to anyone there. its so lonely.#theres only so many audiobooks and podcasts and albums you can listen to before you think 'i would be ok getting hit by a truck tomorrow'#im going to hate these next few months but i just need time#and the lord works in mysterious ways because my other boss just started talking about hiring for mon/tues which are the days i work bad jo#so i would at least get those hours until i find something else stable. im going to try very hard not to be mean about it but im like...#hey girl this place sucks ass and you know it. im not negotiating#but thanks for that raise 9 months late#im giving you three weeks for find a replacement and i dont care if you fire me in that time#il work from home or panera or starbucks or library but im not stepping in that office again unless its for my minifridge and heater
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i'm just realizing that starting tomorrow i will literally be busy every day until like. december 25. what is up with that. how did i bamboozle myself into having Things Going On for like a week and a half.
#liveblogging life#im shopping with my parents two days i picked up extra shifts this weekend#and by extra shifts i mean i booked myself two doubles back to back so i wont be doing anything#but working and sleeping this weekend lmao#then next week i have to go to dinner with a faculty member i'm seeing two plays i joined a christmas sing along...#and then it's chrismas with my immediate fam and christmas with my extended fam#what the fuck#me trying to figure out a good time to go to fucking ikea: uh.... uh oh#i still have a few things i need to get but um. when tho.#i could go today but i feel awful tbh and i really dont feel like leaving my house#esp now that i know i will be Doing Things so much
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