#hopefully i can do it sometime today
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#i haven't check the dash fully since friday#i feel so disconected with the fandom lol#anyway#hopefully i can do it sometime today#ignore me i just need this in my blog
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insomnia? do u mean my true crime podcast time
#u know bc now I can convince my brain I slept a little bc I had my eyes closed for like 2h while listening to it#it’s like u can almost gaslight it into thinking that that podcast was actually dreaming bc we for sure were asleep yes#also this sucks bc it’s ahead of its schedule; I can’t sleep during summers so like what is this then#the climate change is affecting my insomnia cycle damnit#real unfortunate tho if it keeps going for longer (just been like 2ish weeks now) bc I got a thesis plus other shit to do#(also to anyone who’s unclear on the subject; yes I have slept during these 2ish weeks I'm not dying i'm just hella tired bc it’s not good#refreshing long sleeps bc mf it takes like 5 hours to fall asleep)#(except today bc it’s 7am and I’m giving up on it & hopefully will have a nap sometime during the day idk)#(im tired and getting increasingly more stressed abt becoming more tired and then not having the energy to do things that I fully neeed to#get done and how the stress just yes helps ah nice)#(sorry for ranting in thr tags; weird state of mind here bc of aforementioned)#march 2024#2024
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me vs the urge to max out tags for every fic i read
#</3#said urge is beating my ass#sometimes i do wonder if it’s a lil annoying but also . i need to get the thoughts out#or else ill die#SIGHHH i miss reading fics its been too long :(((((#hopefully i can rb some shorter stuff today ….#ari noises ✩
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/// health anxiety tw
when you know the best thing to do is "lay down in the dark with your eyes closed and wait for your meds to kick in" but you start getting paranoid because what if this time you just. die. (no it doesn't have to make sense)
#nurse b#(she's the one who gave me that specific phobia... thanks)#plus I'm bad at keeping my thoughts from racing when I'm just laying down in the dark#these are meds for my pain and not sleep so hopefully we leave the house soon and I can distract myself#I wanted to buy some things today#but anyway yeah I never know what to do during headaches or migraines#I know screens are bad but the severity level differs so sometimes I can tolerate screens and distract my mind?#especially since the doctor said anxiety/stress makes things worse?#but shit I think I really do need to rest my eyes#hurts... ugh
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Dancer! Sejanus, in which he is given the lead role alongside one of Marcus’s best friends, and Marcus can’t take his eyes off of him for the entire duration of the show
#he feels entranced and like he can’t breathe anymore as soon as sejanus comes on stage#he only realizes several seconds later that he has been unconsciously holding his breath#and it happens multiple times again that he unconsciously stops breathing for a few seconds looking at him#cause his movements paired with the lights and the music make him look almost otherworldly#marcus cannot truthfully say whether his friend was good or not cause he was too preoccupied with sejanus to concentrate on her performance#it’s fine she won’t know and he’ll make it up to her#after complimenting her after the show though he immediately asks her who the guy dancing with her was#you can bet he looked sejanus up on ig and google that same night#he also starts picking his friend up from practice sometimes#with the intention of yes hanging out with her but also of hopefully catching a glimpse of sejanus before they leave#sejanus starts noticing him too but he thinks marcus is dating the friend#“do you need a ride or is your boyfriend picking you up today as well?” “my boyfriend?“#marcus asking if practice is ever open to the public and when the next show will be#“what’s with the sudden interest marcus?”#she’s teasing she knows exactly what caused the sudden interest#her inviting sejanus to hang out with her and her friends#and trying to leave him and marcus alone together as much as possible#also i said “one of marcus’s best friends” and not “marcus’s best friends” because reaper marcus bestfriendism always <3#sejarcus#marcus tbosas#sejanus plinth
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every so often I pause for a moment instead of barrelling through blindly following all my impulses so I have a new distraction to keep me occupied 24/7 so I don't have time to think and then I realize how fucking INSANE I act on an every day basis how the fuck do yall put up with me lmao
#liveblogging.pdf#like sometimes you just gotta objectively pause and slowly recount your actions to yourself to realize how off the rails you are#i literally have not had one coherent thought in april huh. it's just been more and more crazy stuff to distract myself#from the giant academic L that is my life#anyway. do it for the plot amirite#hopefully ill come to my senses after today oh how i miss sanity#like im thinking of stuff i did at the beginning of the month and. THAT WAS LESS THAN A MONTH AGO???!?!#anyway april worst month can a gay girl get an amen#HOW DID FOUND HEAVEN ONLY COME OUT ON 5TH.#honestly i blame conan for all of this he transferred his menace to society energy to me via osmosis#omg burger singh brb
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wishing everyone a lovely week ahead! 💗🥺
#it’s a busy week for me ! just finalised my sched today 🥹#back to work after the break & a new project came up too 🥺#so there’s ton to do and i might not be on here much except for the occasional text post 🥺#but i’ll answer asks when i can!!#i also have my queue running all the time anyway !#will hopefully get the toji fic up sometime within the week too!#i talked so much again
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Okay, yesterday was for crying and despair and anger, today is for continuing to live and fight and hope
#and hopefully tomorrow too#yesterday was rough i was angry and hurting but today i can definitely feel more hopeful#i just really needed to get those feelings out because i bottle up the negativity sometimes#and it really fucking sucked feeling like all of the intense stress leading up to the election didnt even matter#like i had to avoid social media for a lot of time bc of the constant guilt tripping posts#unfollowed a lot of people the past month. and i dont regret that bc i dont have time for that bullshit anymore#we're moving forward now and we are focusing on love and community care and joy#as ive been trying to do for months now and shamed for by people online constantly#not playing those games anymore. my emotions dont make me naive and carving out happiness and peace for myself is not complacency#its necessary for survival#and i dont have time for anyone who isnt on board with that#so. yeah. back to my mostly non political blogging bc tumblr is not where i do activism lol#win rambles
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sorry I keep forgetting about tag games and dm's etcetera I am in the not real mental state time
#we have a week break coming up (theoretically a break bc things are due after it so I know we'll all still be working)#hoping to decompress and get off of all devices during that time just to like. touch grass and smell the flowers yanno#self care and enjoy nature#I just haven't had the same energy since The Fire aisjsahsndhdh I am floating on a cloud loving and supporting y'all#while entering my unconscious npc era ahshsshdhdh#i'm shooting brainwaves at u filled with positivity#going to a gallery w my friend today to look at a fairytales exhibit hopefully that'll be a nixe relaxing thing#I would yell about the dnd sess yesterday but. tired. doodles coming eventually#one of my classes is literally drawing for games so the only fun art i'm doing atm is kofi member doodles ajahshdhdh#please other kofi memebers request a doodle sometime so I can draw more cute ocs. it heals me#anyway gotta go vote also oajssoahfjd have a wonderful day everyone <3#nadine is typing...
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#ooc || [out of character]#pokegear || [mobile]#welp I'm very limited to what I can do while on mobile so#working on drafts is a bust today boo#I'd type on my phone but idk if its a me thing or a tuhmblur#thing. when I work on a post on mobile sometimes I'll accidentally hit enter and then the text underneath#just disappears! like vanishes and I cant undo it or get it back. its happened to me#multiple times so I'm very wary about using my phone for working on drafts#oh one time I had a whole response written up almost done and just needed to save#I accidentally hit enter and a huge chunk of the post just disappeared oh I was pissed#so anyways ill just try to get to stuff tomorrow hopefully
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Good morning guys!! :D Guess whose making breads today 🍞
#by breads I mean I’m making both banana bread and focaccia!#hopefully#first time making focaccia bread!#the 2 banana breads is in the oven rn#also my 9 am class got canceled today which is nice!#got up early anyway tho cause I did not want to bake thru the night again#anyway I’ve been looping amoeba by clairo while baking#and my friends convinced me to get this app called airbuds where they can see my spotify music history#I’ve looped this song 30+ times already#sometimes while doing a task it’s just easier to loop songs for me#hope everyone else has a nice morning!!#bella rambles#bunibelles bakes
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Song of the Day: August 2
“Weapon" by Grant
#song of the day#so so so so sleepy#spent most of my energy today worrying about DMV policies and how to get my brother a federally-recognized Real ID thing#gonna involve hopefully only two mild lies and one outright forgery#better than a decade ago when I had to bring three forgeries to the social security office#sometimes I think about how much easier it would've been to steal fifty identities from my old job#than it currently is to prove one real one for my brother#ah well. we do persevere#I'm whining mostly because I'm so tired. always forget how sleepy EDM makes me#it's the nice rhythms I think. like my train sounds. percussion puts me right to sleep#'when they say I'm a machine gun / I take it as a compliment / honey you should know / I can be your weapon / I can be your weapon'
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5 AM
Just me and my overactive mind facing the nighttime again 🙃
#hopefully the meds work but while waiting for them to kick in I get so damn nervous#and sometimes I do get nights where even on my full dose my anxiety is too overpowering and I just. Do Not Sleep#I mean I do eventually but not without spiraling first :')#way before I was prescribed sleep meds my longest was 3 nights without sleep while on a VERY stressful trip#I felt like I was gonna die and I did not sleep until I got off the plane and was back at home#(this was like 15 years ago already but it still haunts me fhfgsgdh)#my best friend and I were having a conversation today#and she was like 'not sleeping can make you hallucinate right?'#and I was like :') I get the hallucinations in other scenarios too#BUT I also get what she meant#not sleeping is really bad for me mentally which is why I can't do 'sleep restriction therapy'#and fun fact#a lot of my OCD obsessions revolve around sleep!!!#which is 'awesome' because laying in bed with insomnia makes my OCD flare up so like#the two get to feed off each other and make my life a living hell!!!#and don't even get me started on my sleep paralysis episodes#(which I like to think of as just my brain misfiring but that my aunt tells me is saints or demons trying to talk to me)#'cause she hallucinates too but hers are like 'spiritual' or whatever#same with my mom's hallucinations as well#and to add fuel to the dumpster fire of my mind and body is the fact I've been overcaffeinating again#which I've known not to do ever since I was in middle school and saw the pediatric cardiologist who specifically said 'hey don't do that'#fast-forward to adulthood and I still haven't learned how to handle anything#like. I have heart meds and sleep meds and migraine meds and IBS meds#and yes meds are good but like. I know you need to incorporate lifestyle changes as well#which I do for like 2 weeks until the next time I fuck up#I've been so irresponsible lately but like. ESPECIALLY today#didn't eat#took some meds on an empty stomach and forgot to take my other ones at all#had too much caffeine#stressed out over some stupid situations thanks to overthinking
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if Bean doesnt eat something soon i think i am going to lose it
#personal#theoretically i know c versis can go for months w/o food but. it HAS been months#i'm considering rehousing her/redoing her tank in case she just isnt happy in there anymore#which is my suspicion bc she destroyed part of her web tunnel#it's just scaring me#and also ive never rehoused an adult tarantula#maybe the bottom of the house is too dirty and that's upsetting her? it's hard to spot clean most of it bc of how the cork bark#and her web are placed#so there's some old dead feeders tucked in the back as well as her old molt#and i can re-do the whole substrate if i can get her out and into a different container for a bit#hopefully w a cricket she will eat#half of the problem is i just cant get the crickets TO her#but then even when they do get near her she doesnt eat them#ughhhhh#if anyone has any personal experience getting picky new world arboreals to eat after a long hunger strike PLEASE reach out#also if u read this far u get the additional sad news that my tiny little apache jumping spider has died#fine yesterday. curled under today. poor lil guy :( idk if he reached the end of his lifespan or there was another issue#also sprout hasnt been seen in a few months hopefully she's okay tucked in her cave#but i never did get her sexed and she's 3 years old which...if she's a male that's the end of her lifespan#at least mid-nite is doing exceptionally well and eating ravenously after his post-molting period#doty also ate well today#reminding myself that im Not a terrible spider caretaker and it's normal for c versicolors to be fussy sometimes
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they say that "time heals all wounds" but i honestly think that upping my anti-depressants has done more for me
#.jokes#hashtag comedy#ok but actually. upping my dosage has rocked my world this last week#i hope this continues!!!!!!!#today is The Day im Feeling It#still a very tired busy guy but at least im not explodingexplodingexploding#also on a serious note. time just passes. it passes no matter what. time is not a remedy to trauma#time will go on but you may get stuck on loop. therapy. unpacking what happened to you. finding coping mechanisms that#work for you. medication maybe. these r things that help#the pain still exists. and it can be just as strong depending on the trauma. but hopefully the time between incidents/episodes lessens#fill the space where u feel capable and free with love laughter joy. fill it with little tasks that set you up to have a better time when#things r feeling bad again#sometimes ill do smth as small as writing out a phone number i need to call in the morning Just to cut out the step of googling it in the#morning. bc in the morning The Phone Call may seem monumental and impossible. but a lil bit less so if everything i need (#the number & what i wanna say) are written out before me#also also. last thing. the beginning of this is to be read exactly how the person in ''it could take 5 or 6 stores or just 1'' says it#thank u.#.txt#maria is literally just rambling. hi#personal#yes this ok to reblog. its meant to make u snort#mental health#/pos#silly hour!
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ohmygodddddd i am a fucking genius...👁️ the fic idea i just came up with. the Specific Line i thought up. its such a random idea but its so so cute and sweet and ugh its gonna plague me forever. kinda proud of myself to be honest so lets just hope i can Actually write it soon🧎
#mmm brain isnt always bad sometimes i guess.#its some unapologetic jake fluff btw#bc he deserves it#also i forgot i cant really spend time on tumblr today bc ill be busy again lol so tomorrow it is (hopefully)#but its gonna be a good day bc me and my bestie are going to see love lies bleeding And immaculate together😋😋#and probably get some lunch and maybe ice cream too#excited#have been looking forward to today#and then after today im looking forward to finally crawling back into my little tumblr cave#hopefully i can Actually Read.#and yk. writing would be nice too.#also im goin back on sertraline today and apparently it can be used for ocd too so i will try to see if any of That feels different as well#raaaaaa#still havent fully researched ocd tho🧎ive been procrastinating🧎as i do🧎#anyways goodnight its 5am.#shouldnt have had that 8pm iced capp#i downed that shit fr#ok bye bye love yall#talkin shit#FUCK YES THIS POSTED LIKE ON THE VERY SECOND 5:15 WAS ENDING YESSS#sorry i actually like am distressed when the minute(s) of my posts arent posted on a 0 or 5 or like the same as the previous number#and when it is i feel like actual relief and joy#and when it isnt i contemplate deleting and waiting until the desired minute to post again.#anddd sometimes i actually do.#i also will just wait several minutes to post something when its not the exact minute i want yet#or ill queue it for like. literally a couple minutes in the future.#yeah i have many issues#okay gn thank you for reading if you read🧍🫶#i always either suck my own dick or beat my own ass.#rarely ever is there an in between
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