#especially since the doctor said anxiety/stress makes things worse?

[heartshattering]

/// health anxiety tw

when you know the best thing to do is "lay down in the dark with your eyes closed and wait for your meds to kick in" but you start getting paranoid because what if this time you just. die. (no it doesn't have to make sense)

[disabled-and-tired]

I have trouble keeping a physical journal, I always misplace it after only a few entries so here is my blog/journal. I’ll be posting my thoughts/frustrations/general life stuff. If this interests you or you relate you are more than welcome to stay and join me in this little journaling journey.

I guess I should introduce myself and give some important backstory as to why I’m making this blog. For reasons I will not be sharing my real name to strangers on the internet so you can call me Finch. Before I go into more detail I want to make it known that this page is not for me to gain any pity. That being said I am disabled (if I didn’t make that obvious) i was born with short Achilles tendons, had surgery for that when I was in the 4th grade, this surgery made it so i no longer strained my ankles walking on my toes, however the goal was to have my ankles at a 95° angle or more and my left only reached 93° while my right had to be recasted from 89° to 90°. Physical therapy was supposed to help the angles increase, unfortunately that didn’t happen. This has caused my knees, hips, and spine to be out of alignment. My right ankle has lost all cushioning between my bones, this is due to how I walked pre-surgery and caused over pronation in that foot. This has caused me to have chronic pain and mobility issues from a young age.

I would like to say that is my only issue, when I was very young we discovered I have POTS (postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome) this would cause my resting heart rate to be in the 90s and constant heart palpitations. My mom, grandmother and sister all also have POTS. This condition also caused me to have fainting spells. Since my diagnosis I have worked with my doctors to find a way to manage the symptoms. When I was learning to read and wright it was discovered that I am dyslexic, this caused frustration as a child and to this day. I have been through some traumatic events which I may or may not discuss on this blog that caused me to develop C-PTSD (complex post-traumatic stress disorder) and during these traumatic times I was diagnosed with OCD which again my mom, grandmother and sister have. My sister had it worse than me especially with her having autism on top of it, however as a child I had no understanding of autism and had my own frustrations with her behaviors and how her disorder dominated the house and what we did as a family. I understand now why things were the way the were but little me couldn’t comprehend as much as I can now.

As I went into middle school I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I was put on many meds for depression none worked. I would learn later with my new and current primary care provider that I have bipolar depression and not regular depression which explains why those meds just wouldn’t ever work and had odd side effects. In 5th grade when puberty hit I developed horrible allergies. Tropical fruits, certain nuts and the air were all causing me issues. Sesame was discovered to cause anaphylactic reactions weather I eat it or it’s cooked and in the air. A couple summers later I was having anaphylactic reactions to the pollen in the air, this prompted my mom to take me to the allergist and find out that I’m allergic to all plants where I live except cedar. I was promptly started on a 5 year allergy shot regiment.

During my allergy testing I was having severe gastrointestinal issues, acid reflux, esophageal spasms, and just feeling like crap after eating. I had an upper endoscopy done where I was biopsied and they informed me they fixed two things I didn’t know were issues. They found a hiatal hernia and a Schatzki ring. They fixed both and said they may happen again and since then I’ve had a second endoscopy very recently where I had both again and were fixed. The biopsy came back and my gastroenterologist had me make an appointment sooner than the one I had already made. I was informed that I had a disorder called EoE (eosinophilic esophagitis) the threshold to be diagnosed was >15 (eosinophils in one place on a slide view from pathology) I had >87. This explained a lot. I was told I had mild allergies to things I had been consuming frequently without knowing causing the condition to worsen. The allergies were found to be carrot and soy. I learned carrot is in a lot more things than you expect. After going off of anything with even trace amounts I was naive and thought I could have a blood orange soda with just bit of carrot added for flavor. Turns out I can’t and that made me feel very sick and itchy. Also turns out you can have hives on your inner eyelids, ears, nostrils, and stomach all of which I get when consuming carrot. Also I can’t have pear or bananas so that’s a bit of a bummer.

Going back to puberty times I of course started my period. I was told cramps were normal so of course I assumed I wasn’t to complain about cramps since everyone got them. As I got older the cramping got worse and worse. Trying ibuprofen and Tylenol but eventually those didn’t touch the pain anymore. It got to a state of cramping when I wasn’t even on my period, however when I was on my period it was so bad I couldn’t move, pain was radiating down my legs, throughout strange areas in my abdomen, and up my back. There was no relief I was missing school and one day ended up at the ER, convinced my appendix was about to burst. They did many tests and to my surprise they found nothing. Not even in the ultrasounds. My doctor put me on a 24/7 birth control to keep periods from happening. I then went to a gynecologist who diagnosed me with endometriosis.

My ankles grew strange and have something called haglunds deformity. In 11th grade I had this corrected just on my right ankle. This surgery was intense, they had to disconnect my tendon, chop bone off, and then the tendon is tacked back down with two screws, two nails and a surgical thread forming an X between the hardware. This was a very intense surgery that didn’t fully fix the problem. We decided against having this done on the other ankle. My surgeon offered to have my ankle bones fused in my right ankle saying it would keep the bones from grinding. I declined because there was no guarantee this would stop my pain and I would no longer be able to move my ankle.

As of now I have been diagnosed with atopic dermatitis and am in the long (often 10 year) process of being diagnosed with an autoimmune disease. For now my doctor has given a placeholder diagnosis of fibromyalgia while we wait for my symptoms to progress enough to have full positive symptoms. This is frustrating as I am on the cusp of testing positive for lupus. My grandma has autoimmune symptoms as well although she doesn’t like doctors so we will never know what exactly is wrong with her.

Because of my mobility impairments I was told at a young age I would need walking aids as I got older and possibly a wheelchair if things progressed. When I was told this I was too young to fully understand I was just told my body was going to continue to get worse. I now use a cane and hope things won’t progress.

In my next post I’ll will probably discuss my interests and what I do for fun so something more light hearted, later I will also talk about my frustrations with what the internet has caused in terms of a epidemic of mockery. Munchausens by internet is something that I have heavily researched and feel passionate about. A former close friend of mine started faking disorders that cannot happen late in life and making it painfully obvious that she only pretends to be disabled when it can’t inconvenience her. We no longer talk. But more on that later, if you read this all thank you, if you related to this in anyway welcome you are not alone.

[thorlokibrother]

@knmartinshouldbewriting​ yep, unfortunately it is a thing!

We hypermobile people make too much adrenaline, especially in spikes. It’s apparently because we’re overcompensating for stretchy blood vessels that make it harder for blood to flow as it should? ( https://www.movewelldaily.com/ehlers-danlos-hypermobility-stress-anxiety/ and https://www.inspire.com/groups/eds-and-hsd/discussion/adrenaline-surges-and-debilitating-fatigue/ - disclaimer, the second one is partnered with the Ehlers-Danlos society so may be a bit dodgy but it’s a community forum so written by real people, probably)

I notice mine when I’m trying to go to bed. That’s when I do most of my writing and most of my exercise (for physiotherapy) because it’s irritatingly when I have most of my energy.

A lot of stuff has made a lot more sense since I was diagnosed with HSD* (I haven’t got the hEDS diagnosis but my rheumatologist said it might still turn out to be hEDS) and physiotherapy has helped with the joint issues... but there’s nothing I can do about the adrenaline spikes, as far as I know.

My skin’s also ridiculously fragile (easy blistering, can’t have plasters because I can’t remove them, skin randomly broke open during surgery so I have an extra scar - very good surgeon fixed it, though) and I’ve had GI issues ever since I can remember. I did find out recently that I’m lactose intolerant but the GI stuff isn’t all gone, it’s just less painful. You should have seen my teeth before I had braces (like they’d just been thrown into my mouth for a joke) and although those worked quickly, the effects didn’t last and now my teeth are wonky again, even though I wore my retainers for two full years! Eyesight problems are also more common with hypermobile people (especially shortsight/myopia) and mine are getting worse quite quickly. I’ve had one really startling episode with my left eye where I think I pushed something out of place in my sleep, but I went back to sleep again and it had gone back to normal by the time I woke up properly.

If you’re hypermobile and these are sounding familiar, that’s probably why. It’s never just the joints!

*HSD = Hypermobility Spectrum Disorder - problems with collagen production that lead to hypermobile joints, skin, blood vessels... basically the same thing as hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, but your doctor might be more keen to diagnose you with it if you don’t tick all the boxes for an hEDS diagnosis. My rheumatologist’s words were “come back and see me again if you develop {other symptoms}” because I didn’t tick all the boxes yet, but some symptoms (prolapses and hernias, for example) only come on over time and you’re not usually born with them.

Do any other autistic people feel high at random times?

Like, sometimes I'll get really giggly, everything will feel hilarious to me and I'll just laugh at nothing, and I'll stim more and laugh at my stimming (e.g. I was finding the normally annoying sound my pop-it makes very funny today) and I'll do a lot of echolalia (e.g. I kept repeating "my name is poet I am a Philip" & giggling because it was the funniest fucking thing in the world to me) and I'll get really affectionate, I'm already a very affectionate person but I get MORE affectionate (e.g. I'll be talking to my dog & I'll just be like "I just love you SO much" whilst sobbing but not really crying?) And I'll feel kind of light-headed (like someone injected helium into my brain) does anyone else do this??? Is it connected to autism??? Please help I'm really confused I can't find anything about this anywhere please reblog I Beg Of You

[meditating-dog-lover]

House cleaning

So I vacuumed and dusted my house this weekend. Very thoroughly and I spent a lot of time. I'm surprised by how dusty my room gets despite the fact that I do vacuum it and I have an air purifier.

I'm not the best at dusting/cleaning, thankfully my mom and sister have been very helpful. I love my vacuum too (lightweight and cleans soo well).

A lot of things also collect dust, like rugs, clothes, and fabrics. So leaving throw pillows, piles of clothes, dog matresses, and dusty rugs can cause a lot of dust collection regardless of how well you vacuum. In our TV room we had a nice rug that would collect a lot of dust and dog fur. I once knelt on it to pet my dog and got up and had a lot of fur on my legs.

I got pretty itchy and red while I was vacuuming and dusting, and all the dust I gathered and threw out did cause some inflammation, which thankfully subsided and disappeared by today. I am going to clean my car at the carwash tomorrow and I know that will help with any irritants that can be lurking in my car. I might even replace my car filter.

I'm allergic to pollen and the pollen count is so high this year. I have a pollen tree right by my bedroom window which is covered in pollen on the outside.

I'm still going to consider allergy shots, but at the very least I can dust and vacuum. This will help so much with my skin inflammation.

I'm always so confused when it comes to cleaning my house because I never know what to do and where to start - dusting, vacuuming and removing clothes, pillows, dog toys and mattresses off the floor is a good place to start.

I'm also meeting with my personal trainer tomorrow morning, yay! I wore a summer dress today and went out with my family to a restaurant. For someone who had bad body dysmorphia this was a big improvement. I do struggle with poor confidence issues still, but mostly surrounding my health and social skills. I do want to exercise to improve my insulin sensitivity, and my strength too but mostly my insulin. And I want to measure my body fat percentage. Because I haven't exercised in a while, my muscle composition may be a bit low and my fat composition may appear higher. I am planning on going back to my own circuit workout routine, but I'm going to take small steps because I want to exercise in a way where I'm promoting positive reinforcement (I'm going to be strong and increase my insulin sensitivity) than negative reinforcement (you need to exercise now otherwise you're going to get sick, fat, and lazy).

I've heard of people who've had their eczema clear up when they moved to a foreign country/area. I saw this video on Youtube where this guy explains how he cleared his skin by moving from Toronto to a beachy town in Mexico. Toronto is a major city that is industrialized and, of course, will have a lot of pollution/environmental irritants compared to a less industrialized/populated area. I'm not planning on relocating, but I can at least minimize irritants and get allergy shots. Relocating is a lot easier said than done, but I've heard of people who had their skin clear up when they did so.

I'm going to get more nice clothes next weekend since I absolutely did not want to leave my house this weekend (it's too hot and I'm exhausted). I wanted to get some nice shoes as well. I'm just so happy I wore the sundress today and I've always been so self-conscious about my body (especially my arms). Well I look fine right now and know I lost a lot of weight with IF and walking. I'm going to get my body fat percentage measured tomorrow, too.

I had a conversation with my mom and sister about my stress and anxiety, which was helpful and did make me feel better. My skin is now less inflamed. I know it's getting a lot better, but exposure to irritants can make it worse. And cleaning and dusting made that irritation even worse temporarily. But this will all be taken care of and I'm going to meet with my PT tomorrow and start exercising too. I'm also meeting with my doctor next week to go over my current skin progress.

I just want to be healthy in life. Living with a narcissistic dad who didn't allow us to lead physically and mentally healthy lives was tough, which is why I'm taking that chance now.

[echo-of-sounds]

pregnancy

Small headcanons of how Aizawa, Toshinori, Hizashi, Fatgum, Gang Orca, and Hound Dog would be through your pregnancy.

I don’t write about giving birth (as I’m mildly terrified of doing so) so I didn’t add anything about that. Please don’t ask for me to. And even though I’m not interested in getting pregnant, I think I’d be okay with it if Kugo or Ryo were the father.

EDIT: I love picturing all of these men with little girls. It’s just so cute!

Warnings: uh, pregnancy

Aizawa Shouta

Shouta isn’t one to jump for joy when you tell him. However, you will get to see his handsome smile when he grabs your waist, breathing out a light laugh of happiness as he tightly hugs you. His smile won’t disappear for a while. Every time he glances at you, one simply finds its way onto his face.

It may not be by a whole lot, but his behavior changes. Just a little. When you’re out and about, his hand finds its way to your back or elbow much more often, particularly in a crowd. It’s the paternal instincts kicking in. His favorite cuddling position, laying between your legs with his head on your stomach, becomes harder the farther along you are. He adjusts to laying behind you, keeping a hand on your tummy throughout the entire night.

Shouta hides his worries well. Even the people closest to him have a tough time telling what exactly is going on with him. Sometimes, it’s a good thing. He’s a stable person to lean on. But it’s difficult to deal with when you’re hormonal and emotional. He pushes himself so hard to speak more. There’s no way of him understanding everything you’re going through, but when he opens up, he can tell just how much you appreciate it during the tough times. So he does it near-daily, checking in with each other before bed.

He hates how busy his life is. Well, he’s always kind of hated it. Now it’s worse because his partner’s pregnant, and he’s stuck in a room with screaming children when he should be bringing you to your appointments. Shouta attempts to make up for the absence by heading home every night and helping around the house more. Step in. Explain how you value his help, but also need him to relax. If he gets overworked, that would only stress you more.

Shouta changes his eating habits and fitness routines. He wants you to eat well for yourself and your child. He wants you to keep exercising for yourself and your child. He simply wants your body to be healthy. Don’t grumble because he’ll throw your complaining back in your face when the Lamaze coach explains how important physical health is. But don’t worry, his cute smile makes up for the teasing.

Yagi Toshinori

Toshinori is starstruck. Too many thoughts flood and fight. He loves children and has always wanted a family. Being able to father one with you is indescribable. And he never thought the universe would grant any of that. On the flip side, his fear is also undefinable. People know who he is now; who knows what’s out there, waiting to expose All Might’s weakness. The rapid thoughts may bring a tear or two. Cup his face and kiss them away, reassuring him that everything’s okay.

The fears follow him throughout your pregnancy. Like all things (with you and him), there are good days and bad days. His emotions ramp-up during your emotional and physically unwell days. He tries his best to push them down to focus on you. But they eventually end up spilling over. It’ll be common for both of you to cry at the end of the day, snuggled together, talking about the future, worries, and anticipations.

In general, Toshinori isn’t that protective. He trusts you and your abilities. Just because you’re pregnant, doesn’t mean you’re suddenly disabled. You can still do things. Although, he does become a bit of a helicopter. Whenever you bend over to pick up a bag, he beats you to it. He swoops the laundry basket from your hands, claiming, ‘You shouldn’t be lifting heavy things,’ despite it not even being ten pounds. He’s just very watchful of your movements.

He’s very active in dieting, doctor’s appointments, and planning. He eats well, so it’s easy for him to aid you in that respect. For doctors, he has quite a lot of contacts and knows many doctors from his time in the hospital. He asks around, only accepting the best for you. Planning, shopping, and setting up the nursery are his favorite parts. He loves choosing the sweetest colors, softest blankets, and, of course, all the adorable All Might onesies, toys, and superhero books he can find. The nursery is set up perfectly.

Toshinori doesn’t admit how incredibly your pregnant body enchants him. It isn’t always a horny, sexual need. It’s about admiring your body and what it’s creating. He just wonders at you. All the time. Sometimes the changes may make you feel insecure. He’s always there to listen and assure you how amazing your body is. If you want cuddles and kisses, he’ll give them with a smile. If you want gentle lovemaking, he guides you onto your back and gives you exactly what you want.

Yamada Hizashi

Expect a loud song of love, a bear hug, and jumping for joy when you tell him. Hizashi loves kids. He thinks they’re amazing and say some of the greatest things. And he’s beyond excited to see their quirk. Of course, it doesn’t mean he’ll love them any less if they’re born quirkless. He just loves imagining a little one with a similar quirk running around your place.

He is all about redecorating and planning. The entire apartment is getting babyfied and rearranged. The nursery will be beautifully painted. He regularly comes home with cute outfits and stuffed animals. Partly, it’s because he’s just so excited. The other part is he wants you to relax through the pregnancy. No stress, pressure, and unnecessary burden on your shoulders. He’s there to make sure everything goes as smoothly as possible.

Hizashi doesn’t just spoil your unborn child; he spoils you, buying you those pregnancy pillows, your favorite ice cream, driving you everywhere, etc… He just hates how much time his jobs take. He’d rather spend his time with you. To help, he’ll ask for time off of patrols, choosing to be closer with you, physically, mentally, and emotionally, during your pregnancy.

In the later months, Hizashi is all over you. Seriously, he will not leave you alone. He’s very handsy, kneading and licking your swollen, sore breasts, and stroking your belly. Your body, and everything it’s doing, is utterly gorgeous to him. He’ll suck away, gently nursing on your nipple while dozing off to Tv, occasionally switching to the other so it isn’t left needy.

Toyomitsu Taishiro

When you tell Taishiro, you’ll only be able to get out a few words before you’re lifted off your feet and spun around. He smooches all over your face, laughing and cheering about how amazing and perfect and stunning you are. You’ll have to ask to be put down lest you get sick from all his spinning. But his compliments keep coming. They won’t dwindle for a while. There’s just too much love in his body to keep inside.

Whatever you’re craving, no matter if it’s pineapple dipped in ketchup, he gives without complaint. He may try some of your odd combinations. Who knows? You could be on to something new. At the same time, he also watches out for your health. The cravings suck. He understands that. He truly does. But if you ate something sweet/not as healthy for lunch, then he plans a healthy dinner for you. Your body’s going crazy. It needs its nutrients.

Your worries are always taken seriously. It could be the most absurd thing to be anxious over. Tai always listens. His cute smile and never-ending positivity help a ton. Your body and brain are going through a lot. He’ll do his part to validate all your feelings. He talks down the anxieties as you eat pickles on ice cream, making sure you are and feel heard.

Since he works one job compared to the others, he’s able to be with you much more, notably during the hard-to-handle days and at appointments. And he picks up extra chores so you can rest through aches and pains. Any choices you make regarding your pregnancy and birth, he supports. He may not agree with everything, but he loves you, and it’s your body. He’ll always put your comfort and wishes first.

Tai treasured your tummy before. But now, seeing you growing with his child, he’s absolutely enraptured. He places nightly and morning kisses on your belly. When he wakes you up, his kisses trail down to the bump. Every night, he rubs lotion into your tummy, kissing and cooing to his child. It doesn’t matter if you’re only one week pregnant, and it’s just a clump of cells in there. Tai still sings to them.

Gang Orca

Kugo is in disbelief when you tell him. He freezes, staring, hardly hearing your words. Give him five minutes. He’ll process what you said and snap back to the present. Watch out because you’re going to get lifted high into the air and maybe tossed like a father does a baby. He’s just practicing. It’ll only take one or two days for him to slip into paternal mode. It’s damn near instinct for him.

As per usual, he’s a gentle paragon behind closed doors. Throughout your pregnancy, he melts into a puddle of sweet honey. His overall affection skyrockets. His hands and claws are as tender as possible whenever they touch you, doing whatever you need him to: massaging your back and legs, rubbing lotion all over, or brushing your hair. He reassures you through tears. He prepares healthy meals that satisfy your cravings. And he holds you all night, keeping you safe on his chest and in his arms.

Kugo goes to every single checkup and appointment. It doesn’t matter if it’s just an ordinary visit to your primary care doctor; he calls out of work and goes with you. At any ultrasounds, expect a few tears, especially when you hear the heartbeat for the first time. He holds them in until you’re alone. The second the door closes, his forehead is nudging yours as small, loved-filled tears fall. He never thought he’d get a family. Part of him thought he didn’t deserve a family, but you’ve proven that false repeatedly.

The farther along you are, the more he watches out for you. He checks in every morning to make sure you took your medicine and vitamins. He washes you so you don’t strain yourself. If you’re waddling, he offers his arm for support and helps you stand. If your back hurts, he applies a heating patch to your lower back and puts your shoes on for you. If you need it, he can carry you to the car and into where you’re going.

As does everyone, Kugo has doubts about his quirk and abilities. People have always viewed those with mutations differently. And it can affect their health, leading to numerous doctor visits and tests. He doesn’t want his baby to deal with the staring, whispers, self-doubts, and distress he did. To support him, talk in detail about his fears and help him realize he’s never disappointed you or hurt anyone. Kugo’s exactly how he should be.

Hound Dog

Ryo doesn’t have a tail, but you’ll definitely see a little happy wiggly before he hugs you. The following week, he keeps you close as he acts differently: rubbing up against you to ensure you smell like him, touching your nose with his, lapping along your neck, sleeping incredibly close, and occasionally smelling between your legs, licking the air around there to smell better. It’s awkward, almost weird, since it isn’t average ‘human’ behavior. But if you love him, let him do it. Please. Understand his nose works differently. It reassures and comforts him to smell you, checking in to see if anything’s changed.

Ryo gets protective when you’re on your period: When you’re pregnant, it’s so, so incredibly worse. He hovers, grumbling low at those walking by. Others barely hear it. It’s intense enough for you to feel it when he’s behind you. He doesn’t like people running up to you, or startling you, or roughhousing or playing in any way. He’s lenient with children, less with teens. Women get a deep growl and scowl. God help any man that approaches you. You might have to have him wear his Hero outfit’s muzzle until you give birth. Though, that might not help because then he’d be protective of two people.

It’s only the teensiest amount better at home. He makes you rest, almost too much. After work or some time outside, he shuffles you to the couch so you can’t overwork yourself. He’s a pleasant change of pace from his typical gruff self. However, as great as he is at the physical needs, he still struggles with the emotional aspects. You can cry on his shoulder, complain, and talk about your worries all you need to. He’s just a bit clunky when it comes to reciprocating the soft emotions. But he puts all his heart into it, and it’s easy to tell.

Ryo is also one who loves pregnancy sexy. You’re swollen and sensitive, and he loves watching your breasts bounce, maybe even leak a little depending on how far along you are. And since you’re already pregnant, he releases and stays inside. After, he lays behind you, keeping himself deep in you despite being flaccid, just feeling how wet and aroused and full you are because of him. When the heated moment is finally done, he licks you clean, nearly getting drunk off your smell.

[imnotyourvillain]

I don't know how it is for other asthmatics, but I do have a few tips for you guys:

—Bring facial coverings with you EVERYWHERE. Allergens, like cigarette smoke, pop up in any place at nearly every time. The facial coverings will act as a filter, and will help prevent continued exposure. That being said, you should still leave the area quickly since masks make breathing techniques a little more difficult. Thanks to the you-know-what, facial coverings have become more normalized, so it's not that strange to just slip one on. Also, you don't need to WEAR it everywhere, just bring it so you can pop it on if needed.

—This tip came from one of my previous doctors: caffeine acts as a stimulant and helps open your airways up. That being said, don't chug extreme amounts of caffeine, since anxiety can make your asthma attacks worse. Plus, the crash will be terrible.

—Have tea around in your house. I recommend having multiple kinds/flavors, that way you can change it up. I personally have both caffeinated and uncaffeinated teas, because there are times when I've had my max caffeine intake/I need to sleep soon. The vapors/warmth will help soothe your throat and open things back up, and sipping it will (hopefully) help you calm down. The caffeine thing especially applies here, since tea tends tends to have a more gentle caffeine affect. If you don't like bitterness, I recommend the brand Red Rose (it also has Sweet Temptations on the box, if that helps to find it lol). I personally have/have had the flavors Lemon Loaf and Strawberry Cheesecake. They come pre-sweetened with Stevia, and I've found that I don't need to add anything to it, when usually I have to add a ton of creamer, sugar, and everything nice. That being said, I've found honey helps soothe/coat my throat, as well as sweeten my tea. And, if you add a suitably flavored cough drop along with the packet (I always put them in the cup while the water is busy boiling so that mixing is a lot easier, and the bag tends to not float on the top), you have both flavoring and soothing. For less bitterness, I also recommend steeping your teas for the lowest recommended time.

—Have something to semi-mindlessly stare at. I often use video games, but stressful events like boss battles do NOT help. Looking out a window with tea in my hands and a blanket around my shoulders does help, though. Having a pet cuddle you also helps you to both cheer up and calm down. All of these above options should help you calm down and ease the attack.

—You should be resting, but for whoever's sake, SIT UP. It opens up your airways and makes coughing (if you have that particular reaction) slightly less distressful. Laying on my side also tends to help after the attack has passed, but I ultimately recommend propping yourself up with pillows/stuffed animals.

—Another thing that helps me, a lightweight with strong medications, is having a snack with carbs afterwards. I tend to get weak and hungry after all my treatments, so having a snack helps take that edge off and makes rest so much easier.

—Speaking during/after an asthma attack is hard. Try learning little bits of sign language to help you communicate. I frequently use the phrases "yes", "no", (sometimes shaking/nodding my head doesn't feel good, and just using my hands feels easier) "please", and "thank you". I also have basic knowledge of the alphabet to help me spell it out. However, if this is a struggle for you, the speech-to-text on Google Translate is another great tool. Just pop what you wanna say into the English/whatever language you're speaking box, then hit the little 🔉 button.

—I'm not sure if anyone else's doctor told them to use their emergency inhaler sparingly, but my most recent one had to inform me that is nonsense. Use it as soon as you have a problem, and don't hesitate to take a second dose if the first doesn't help within a minute. That being said, please don't exceed your limit. If multiple doses don't help within 30 mins-1 hour, try looking into either a stronger dosage or a nebulizer (which your doctor of course).

—If you have to walk/exert yourself to get to your morning destination, and if you have a daily inhaler, try using it a few minutes beforehand.

—If you're in school, I beg of you, GET A DOCTORS NOTE, if not multiple. I've had so many schools lock away my inhaler and say I need doctors notes just to approve having one in the first place, as well as say I need permission/supervision to take it, even in the nurse's office. Ask your doctor about having a doctor's note to carry it with you EVERYWHERE. I have purses and bags to easily carry it, along with a few other essentials, and the amount of fighting my parents and doctors have had to do against schools is ridiculous. Additionally, you might want to include a note about having your phone with you all the time for emergencies. Might be a little harder to argue for, but it's worth asking.

—This seems fairly obvious but is hard to remember in the moment, you need to learn breathing techniques. (Ex: breathe through nose, out through mouth). This will help with breath circulation and calming both you and your attack. Additionally, but also importantly, if you're at the "gasping for breath" point, you should still try to take slow and deep breaths. I know it's hard and you just wanna quickly suck in as much air as possible, but it really doesn't help. For one, it makes calming down harder, and for two, it really doesn't give you that much air. Since you essentially have to hold it for a while, getting as much quality air as possible is practically vital.

—If you have a nebulizer, keep tissues on/around you. The vapors tend to stick to my face & dribble down my nose especially, which is uncomfy, and a lil gross.

—Should I have to mention water? Unfortunately, yes. Please don't add any ice/have your water TOO cold. It can shock your system. While bits of cold water can help soothe an inflamed throat and encourage more drinking water, you still need to be careful. Also, for warmer waters, find a temp you can tolerate. I love water on the near-highest setting because of the vapor and the soothing properties I feel. However, I have a vendetta against lukewarm water, because I think it's gross.

[ausetkmt]

Should racism and discrimination be viewed as public health threats? A new study argues they should - ABC News

LONDON -- Racism and discrimination must be acknowledged as public health threats in the fight to address global health disparities, according to a new study.

As part of the four-paper series published in The Lancet medical journal Thursday, researchers from countries around the world, including the U.S., U.K., Brazil and India, carried out a major review of scientific literature and used data from hundreds of articles in recent years.

The tendency among health professionals has been to explain unequal health outcomes on either genetics or economic conditions, according to the study's authors. But in order to tackle racial health inequities, racism and discrimination themselves should be classified as public health threats globally, the authors say.

"Racism has always been a public health threat," Alexandre White, assistant professor of sociology and the history of medicine at John Hopkins University School of Medicine, told ABC News. "It has emerged time and time again, especially over the last 10 to 15 years."

Research into the intersection of race and health disparities has advanced in recent years, particularly in the U.S. According to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention almost every two in three pregnancy-related deaths are preventable. A 2020 report found that non-Hispanic Black women experienced a higher pregnancy-related mortality rate -- a disparity placing them nearly three times more at risk of dying due to pregnancy-related causes compared to non-Hispanic white women.

STOCK PHOTO/Getty Images

"This study is tremendously important [as] it sheds light on the fundamental role that racism, xenophobia and forms of discrimination actually play on health, both from a structural level and generational level over time," White said. "But also fundamentally since the COVID-19 pandemic we've seen the ways in which, especially racism and xenophobia, affects who gets sick, how seriously and why."

The study also reports that racial biases in health care can lead to a stress response -- affirming previous studies that found discrimination, whether overt or covert, can lead to chronic stress responses which can affect human neurological and immune systems. That chronic stress response can lead to lower life expectancies and is associated with other health complications such as anxiety, depression and heart disease.

"It's not only because of racism at the individual interpersonal level," Dr. Abi Deivanayagam, a public health doctor, researcher, activist and one of the study's authors, told ABC News. "It's racism in the way that our society is structured. And that's very real. And it's really important that we acknowledge this in a medical journal like The Lancet so that health people recognize that this is something this is our duty of care to patients. And our care really has to go beyond the individual to making sure that our systems are safe for our patients."

Although discrimination against minority groups comes in different forms around the world according to such factors as race, ethnicity and religion, a pattern of worse health outcomes for minority groups can be seen globally.

According to Deivanayagam, the study has drawn two major conclusions.

"One thing is that there is evidence globally that shows that racism, xenophobia and discrimination affect a range of different health outcomes, and that this is embedded across different levels of society and that it affects people across the course of their lives ranging from COVID-19, to vaccines, to actually getting health care access," she told ABC News. "The second thing is that we need to get to the root cause of this. And the way we do that as health professionals is to recognize that racism, xenophobia and discrimination are actually a public health threat."

[jehovahhthickness]

Hova, I am freaking out. I am an emotional wreck. I hope that you & your followers don’t judge me for what I’m about to share.. I just really need someone to listen & somewhere safe to express my feelings/concerns. I’m having a very difficult time processing all of this alone.

I found out Wednesday that I have HSV 1 & 2. I’m positive I know exactly who gave it to me..

A few months ago, I traveled to my home state to visit friends & family over the summer.. Well, I ended up meeting someone through a good friend of mine. He was very kind, funny & handsome so I started really liking him. We talked a lot, went on dates & had a lot of fun out & about. It felt like such a solid & magnetic connection.. We started to spend a lot of time together. It had been almost 2 years of no sex, so I figured I would have some fun.. Which now has turned into a nightmare for me.. I wish I had never gotten involved with this man.. Had I known this outcome would bring me sexual trauma for the rest of my life… Mentally & physically.

I never experienced any cold sores, genital sores, tingling, burning or any symptoms of HSV.. So I never would have thought I had it if I hadn’t gone to my routine woman’s well check earlier this week, got tested & found out. The only thing I noticed recently that makes me suspect it was him was a cluster of small fluid filled bumps on the side of my left middle finger not long after we were intimate. I’ve been on google reading about HSV & I read something called “herpetic whitlow.” It says it’s usually by the nail bed, but I saw some pics towards the middle of the finger that looked similar to what I had going on. I brushed it off thinking maybe it was a burn or something else. I had no clue it could be HSV so I didn’t think much of it at the time.

Now I am very worried because my toddler developed a rash shortly after. He had a few bumps similar to mine on his arm like 3 fluid filled bumps. Then another rash on his groin. (Not his genitals, but on one side of his inner thigh/groin area.) It says whitlow is very contagious & now I’m very very afraid that I could have passed this onto him. Especially changing diapers since it was on my finger & I did not have a band aid on.. Even holding him, a kiss or sharing a cup? It did clear up fairly quickly. He didn’t seem to experience any sort of discomfort. No fever, irritability, crying. It went away on its own & hasn’t returned since I noticed it around September. Although, I’m thinking the worst & also worried it may come back. I am so scared & upset. I just want to make sure that he is okay, but I’m nervous about taking him into the doctor because what if they accuse me of sexual abuse? Then I risk legal problems because of a possible virus on my finger. Maybe I’m just paranoid & overthinking & he’s fine? Google feels more unreliable than ever. Each website has different information & I don’t know what’s true & what’s not.

I wish this never happened. I’m so stressed, depressed, embarrassed, ashamed & angry. My anxiety won’t let me relax thinking I’ve passed this on without meaning to. I feel fucking awful.

Thank you for listening.

Please, please, please use protection guys :(

- Sincerely, one devastated mama..

I want to reassure you that herpes is so fricking common and not lethal to the point that the stigma that’s attached to it is worse than the actual condition itself.

Literally most folks have either both herpes 1 & 2 and have NO idea that they do.

Just me kissing a dude on the mouth and letting him giving me head will give me genital herpes. It is what it is tbh.

Or you could suck on your own finger and masturbate right afterwards can lead to you getting it as well.

You didn’t do anything wrong. This could’ve happened to anyone.

Also, just go to the doctor and explain exactly what you just said to me, CALMLY and it will be fine.

I know you’re pissed, upset and very disappointed in yourself. But you are doing okay, babe.

I can reassure you that you have nothing to panic about. If it was something else, I would be more concern. But it’s just herpes.

As far as your future sexual partners … anyone that’s educated with functioning brain cells won’t trip over it.

[genshin-impact-writings]

Heya! Do you think you could write some hcs about a reader with heart issues (I've been experiencing tachycardias, bradycardias and chest pain recently and I'm kinda stressing over it lol) For Diluc, Childe and Zhongli please (if you don't want to please skip that ask >_<)

Hey there! First of all, I'm so sorry to hear that you have to experience all of this and I truly hope that you'll get better soon. <3 Also, I apologize for the long waiting time but I hope you're still interested in these HCs. [Tartaglia & Zhongli are under the cut.]

Having a gn!s/o with heart issues

Diluc

Diluc often seems to be unfazed by the sorrows and concerns of others but that’s actually not true. He cares deeply about the ones he loves and would never belittle their problems, particularly not when it comes to you.

With that being said, he’s definitely worried about you when he learns about your heart issues. However, he’s not one to panic immediately but just because he remains calm, you shouldn’t assume that he’s not concerned about you and your wellbeing. He insists on getting a proper explanation of the stuff you’re experiencing, preferably from your doctors, because he wants to know exactly what’s going on with you.

He would find the best cardiologists for you and makes sure that you get the best medical treatment available. Usually, he’s not a big spender but when it comes to your health, he doesn’t want to make any compromises. He also reassures you that you don’t have to worry about the costs or anything like that countless times, especially since he knows that you probably have a hard time with accepting this much money from him.

Whenever you feel overwhelmed by the whole situation, you can count on Diluc to be there for you. If it helps you to calm down he would even initiate a conversation about any topic you’d like, although he usually really dislikes unnecessary conversations about anything and everything. However, for you he makes an exception, particularly when you ask him to just talk to you to distract you, for example when you’re waiting for another diagnosis or something like that.

Tartaglia/Childe

Tartaglia is incredibly worried about you, although he tries his best to hide it since he firmly believes that it would stress you out even more to know that he’s concerned about you. He often acts like nothing can actually faze him but it drives him absolutely crazy to know that you have to deal with these issues, especially since there’s not much he can do to help you.

He accompanies you to every medical appointment if his work schedule allows it because he wants to make sure that you get the best medical treatment. Besides, it’s a nice way to show you that you’re not alone in this, and since actions speak louder than words he tries his best to be by your side when you need him.

Better be prepared for him turning into an overprotective mess whenever your symptoms get worse. He insists that you rest (he doesn’t care if you have stuff to do and will shove you to the couch without listening to your complaints) and ensures that you take your meds, all while constantly asking if you’re feeling better or if you need something. He’s aware that his behavior is probably annoying but he wants you to get better as soon as possible, and taking care of you is also the least he can do.

He tries his best to calm you down and comfort you whenever your anxiety about your condition kicks in. Since he’s pretty good at hiding his own emotions he always manages to put on a smile and maybe crack a joke or two to distract you. If none of that helps, he will pull you into a tight hug, whispering comforting words into your ear and promising you that everything will be okay.

Zhongli

Zhongli knows that nothing can last forever and that he’s going to lose you at some point but it still scares the living daylights out of him when you tell him about your medical condition. He knows enough about stuff like that to realize that heart issues can be quite serious if they’re not treated properly.

With that being said, expect him to read a lot about your symptoms and possible treatments because he really wants to help you, even if it’s just by double-checking if your prescribed meds are actually helpful etc. He wouldn’t dare to question the doctors’ plans and diagnoses because he’s sure that he doesn’t know more than professionals when it comes to that topic. However, he’d still suggest some alternative treatments such as medicinal herbs that help to reduce stress and make you feel a bit calmer during this time.

He tries to hide his concern because he doesn’t want you to worry about him. Still, you often find him watching you from the other side of the room to check on you and to make sure that things don’t get worse. When you reassure him that you’re fine and that he doesn’t need to worry, he usually just nods and pretends to focus on other things, although you know exactly that he isn’t going to stop watching over you.

Zhongli understands how stressful and frightening the whole situation must be for you, so he would do everything in his power to make things easier for you, be it by just listening to you when you feel the urge to pour out your heart or by comforting you when you’re upset. Also, he sometimes sneaks up on you to pull you into a tight hug, occasionally pressing a soft kiss to your forehead, to reassure you that you’re not alone in this.

[pufflocks]

Hello again Zen! First I just wanna say that you don’t need to apologize about what happened to the other fic. If you ever feel like you wanna reattempt it, just tell me and I’ll send it again. This request is also smut like the last one and I hope that’s ok!

So Bakugou, known by the public as the pro hero Dynamight, has been having it tough at work the past 2 weeks. He knew that technically it was partly his fault. You see, Bakugou is in a secret relationship with one of Japan’s most mischievous villains. Y/n L/n. (Male Reader) Y/n was in reality not necessarily a villain. He was seen as one, but he had never actually killed anybody. He was more the type to steal, start some fights/trouble and occasionally blow up some place. He was more mischievous than evil. Though Bakugou knew that Y/n wasn’t as bad as everyone thought, and he knew that Y/n did love him. He just had a bit of history.. With that being said: Bakugou had been having it rough lately because his secret boyfriend had been at it like crazy. He also knew that Y/n was intentionally making things difficult for him. So when he was on his patrol and got an emergency signal about trouble just a few blocks away, boy was he ready to hunt Y/n down! Once he saw him he immediately chased him into an alleyway. Y/n had escaped and ran into an abandoned apartment. He thought he was safe. But when he turned around, he wasn’t so lucky. Shit.. Bakugou was ready to completely ravage and take out all of his frustrations on Y/n, as he had him trapped with nowhere to run.

This one could be considered Revenge/Angry S*x. It’s not non-con since Y/n clearly knew what he was in for, and Bakugou wouldn’t do anything incase Y/n seriously stopped him. The request was kinda long, sorry about that lol. If you don’t feel like writing it then it’s fine, and if you’d like to switch some things up then feel free to do so! Also, don’t feel rushed and take your time. Have a nice day/night! :>

Summary: I'm not a dark blogger, but this req is honestly too amazing. I will change some things as to not make it exactly dark though— And thank you for being patient with me and the recent incident. 💛

Warnings: NFSW • proof read • Aged up • mild angst{?}

Cast: Villian!M!Reader x Pro hero!Bakugou

○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○●○

Y/N L/N. A name that was a hassle to spit out. Your name was spoke like a horrid sickness spreading west to east. All you were was some mildly lowlife starting cat fights on the streets of Japan. It usually happens at night, and that's also when you strike 24 hour open corner stores. Quite fun to be honest. Your skill being up to par of a spy since your original outing clothing you were seen with was mostly black. Your hair was dyed a certain way after a long past incident though, kinda making you stick out overall you camflouged into the night.

Your pro hero, hot headed, stress filled, boyfriend however, was gold spoon in it's prime. A pro hero who was rich with fame. Oh god he had it all in your eyes. You sometimes cried with tears of joyfulness just at the mere slick thought you were dating him. Not no female who just as good looking, like Creati. No, none of that. It's not like he would change that spite his efforts of frustration with your recent activities these part two years.

The streets are terrific to you for these two years though. Everything is nearly breakable and easily fixed with community money. You would think it was community money atleast. All is good since you made sure to leave your mark with explosives.

Hence your love and passion for your lover, you would smuggle cheap fireworks and set them off at random areas of the late hours. The most recent one being pulled off near a school and and anyone could imagine how the headlines went. The news was erratic with wow and terror of where the explosion even came from, who set it off. Little did they obviously not know —

It was pro hero, Katsuki Bakugous boyfriend.

--

On to other things. Bakugou was in a meeting. Apparently he was being caught up with some warning of a manic villain roaming the streets and city alone.

"So what ?" The room was silent as all eyes transferred front to the back where he sat. Eye bags slightly visible of how stressed he really was after the news confirmed he was.

A co-worker of his, Kirishima raised his hand in apparent anxiousness. "Um", he coughed into his fist before speaking again. "Well, Bakubro he has been going at it for nearly 2 years. No one even know what he looks like, hell man." Starting to get his voice back he finally said, "We probably don't even know if he is a he !" The rooms tension was held up to a few more minutes before Bakugou just got up and walked out.

Another co-worker of his, Mina sparked up and said, "Where are you going !" Her words fell on deaf ears as he was already gone.

Heavy weighted footsteps of his boots were heard along the agency's hallways as people made sure to step out of his way. Grabbing his stuff most important for his next move being his car keys. His brain hurt of how fucking frustrating it is to be held back from work because of his delinquent boyfriend wants to treat the world as a damn playground. He couldn't take it! The stress and anxiety he kept for 2 years was just high enough for him to fuck one out. And he might just.

Just because those assholes didn't know where to find you, doesn't mean he can't. You were always close to a rundown apartment in an alleyway doctoring up a new firework of your own or anything remotely for distruction.

And there you were. In a damn corner completely unaware of the 6 foot presence behind you. Horny and exhausted was a nasty mix for anyone and Bakugou is a worse case as he grabbed you by your arm turning you around.

Alert entered your mind as you nearly, by a measly hair burnt him with a match you had. Why was here was all you could ask yourself, feeling his dramatic hot pants near your neck.

"Why-" No time for speaking when he was highly eager to ravage your ass. You knew how he was from time time since you've met him and because of this you have gotten the worst and the best of him. Sex and life alone was hot and dangerous between the both of you.

His lips marked yours up with a grunt of his own making it seem as if he was feasting on your chapped ones. The dryness making it sting sweetly only adding to the arousal you now felt for yourself. Kissing him. Him not taking his time as he will easily swallow his food without chewing.

"I'm fucking pissed." He snapped. This version of him was the only version you couldn't take. No type of convincing could make an outsider believe your actions to one another was not non consensual. His slightly bigger form compared to your own was trifling as it was pressed up to your chest.

After minutes of searching eachothers mouths with fever and rush he finally stripped himself from his pants. You caught a rare glimpse of how hard he really was. Now this was irritating you at this point. You were no sore loser, but if someone ever took something from you like candy it would easily be endgame.

"Stop fucking pouting. I just got out of a meeting early", he adjusted his position a bit. "To fuck your meddling ass." He closed the space between you two as his cologne and natural scenticked your senses. A shiver went down your spine like a fresh cold drop of sweat as you backed away into the corner. He followed that and smirked. You couldn't be serious.

"Turn around. I wanna see it." He huffed, impatiently. You obviously did what you were told. No time in making him even more pissed. He admired your obedience when it came to your relationship. Only if you could follow that up in turning yourself in. Sadly you were too prideful, probably why you both have an odd ball bond with eachother.

Like lightning your pants were down just like his as he slapped your ass with a strikingly heavy hand. Watching your arse slightly move was guilty enjoyment of his own.

"Ah !" You covered your mouth quickly in fear of his scolding. Number 1 rule of him when frustrated was that on all accounts. Don't. Fucking. Make. A. Peep. That reminder did not fail to make you turn back with pleading eyes with him looking back at you with pliant disbelief.

"Yer' really trying to fuckin' test me, yeah ?" He asked. Not loud how he usually is, but a lower octave with a nonchalant expression. He was tired. Tired of your prideful denial of going to jail. Tired of these late damn meetings at the agency. Tired of his parents calling him because he was doing this to himself. He was fucking exhausted of it all. His top tier was you especially.

☆

That's completely fine though. He can sex all of this out on his handsome villain boyfriend.

Y/N fucking L/N.

I hope this is fine, again I'm not a dark blog so if I wrote this along with the req it would get a bit dark. { I love dark blogs so it would be a whole series 💀. }

[matchablossomwrites]

Well, here I am hehe, I would like to ask for an imagine with Chifuyu, angst to comfort if it possible The reader is in a difficult situation, with some anxiety attack (if it does not bother you obviously) and he is there to help her- <3 I hope that information is useful!, I wish you a good day or night hehe, some love and hugs <3 <3 Take care!

hey hey hey! Thank you so much for your request first off bestie luv you and 2nd off just know I'm here to help! I was diagnosed by a doctor with GAD and like I can teach you tips and tricks that help! Just know you're not alone in this fight and I hope you have a splendid day/night

You were stressed. it was obvious from just a side glance that you weren't doing ok.

All the noise from the gangs. the yelling, the fighting. it was getting tougher by the minute. your pulse increased and you were beginning to hyperventilate.

it was going to happen any minute now and the battlefield of a gang rivalry wasn't the best place to have a panic attack.

Just how did it get like this again... oh that's right

It started out small. something simple even. a few threats from Tenjiku. nothing you knew Mikey and your best friend Chifuyu couldn't handle.

However things went south when gang members of Toman came back injured. That's truly where the stress began. It grew increasingly worse when your friends had been hurt. It didn't help that Mikey agreed to go to war with them. You tried to argue against it, but he insisted.

That's what led you here. Unable to help, your world feeling like it was crumbling down on you second by second. Being unable to breathe as you tried to fight back against classmates and friends alike.

You knew these boys. You had gone to school with the Haitani's before you transferred and still kept in touch.

Yet here they were, right in front of your eyes socking your friends left and right; bruising and bloodying them.

wake up. wake up. wake up. wake. up.

This has to be a nightmare, right? This has to be all a bad dream. You'll wake up any minute. You were sure of it.

But what confirmed that this was all real was the wailing of Souya. That's when you knew hell had broken loose and you didn't know what to do.

your best friend died. your bestie's crush wasn't able to cope, and you were left in charge of some things like they were gone, thus bringing you here.

No mercy was shown from either parties as you got worse. shaking like a leaf, biting your lip raw, your mouth as dry as the Sahara, and when you did talk it came out in stutters.

What was he thinking? you weren't good enough. you were gonna kill them. this was your fault. your fault. your fault. your fault. all of it- all because of you.

Chifuyu noticed your current state the moment he set eyes on you.

But, he needed to stay here at least until backup came right? he couldn't just abandon Toman. They weren't fairing well and they needed every last fighter they could get. But... you. What about you? He wanted to help you. hold your poor shaking form in his arms and comfort you should you allow it. hum to you so you'd feel safer in his arms as he calmed you down. a warm cup of tea next to you, blankets wrapped around your still slightly trembling figure as he took care of you.

The moment Mikey came, he already knew what was going on since he'd passed you in your current state. Knowing how much he cared for you, Mikey gave Chifuyu a look as if to say 'go. take care of them. treasure them because you never know how much time you have before they disappear like they did'

So, he sprinted to you the moment he got a chance. When he reached you you were looking about frantically. Flinching and gasping when someone came too close to your personal bubble while you still attempted to fight. This, obviously wasn't working in your favor.

Chifuyu carefully approached you, making sure not to startle you when he did so. He every so gently took your hand and led you away from the noise. Once you were finally at his house, which just so happen to be quite close, you broke down crying.

"Chi... Fuyu I failed them. I failed them. I failed Mikey. I failed Angry. I failed you." you sniffled as you attempted to stop, but with all the stress and anxiety, your walls came crashing down like a waterfall.

Chifuyu stayed silent. That was the only thing he knew what to do in this situation. He then listened to you rant about everything, not uttering a single word, only sitting across from you.

Once he felt you were ok, he spoke up softly. "You didn't fail anyone y/n. I promise. you're not a failure. Mikey doesn't think so either. he knows you miss them too. He thought you could handle it though, since you're a strong, intelligent person." he smiled softly.

"B-But S-Souya and hakkai..." you whimpered thinking back on them. "It's alright. they're fine, I promise. Y/n did Mikey ever make mistakes in battle and let his members get injured?" he asked. "Y-Yes..." you stammered. "Mhm. Do you ever think he looks back and wishes he could change the outcomes of those things?" Chifuyu asked. "Maybe.. I just don't know." you shook your head. "that's right. One thing I do know about Mikey though is the fact that he loves Toman with all his heart and if you or anyone for that matter got hurt, he wouldn't be able to live with the guilt"

You thought about it, but your mind was still in a vicious cycle of pain. So, as any sensible person would do, he decided Peke J would help. When he quickly got up, picked Peke J off his bed, and then placed the adorable cat in your lap. The adorable cat sense no threat from you, so he curled up in your lap and decided to go back to sleep. "you can pet him, petting him always helped me when I was having a tough time." he said softly as he took your shaking hand in his before guiding it to the cat.

Soon you fell into a rhythm while petting Peke J, soon causing purrs to slip from the kitten in your lap. Though this did help, it didn't entirely dissipate your worries. You abandoned your team. You were awful. They hated you. Mikey hated you now. You were going to be kicked out since you couldn't follow your orders. Smiley got hurt because of you. it was all your fault. Your fault, your fault, your fault, your-

"You did just fine. I promise" he murmured. "w-what?" you asked barely above a whisper. "It wasn't easy. I can't imagine the kind of pressure you felt, but I promise you did fine." Chifuyu leaned forward. "It wasn't your fault that they got hurt. They're not mad at you. You carried out orders just fine." he said as Chifuyu held your hand with both of his calloused, bruised hands. "W-We abandoned them though. Right in the middle of all of that no less. M-Mikey hates me now I'm sure of it a-and I-I couldn't even do anything to help I'm so fucking useless" you whimpered as you began to tear up again.

This time however you felt the boy in front of you wipe away your tears with his thumb as he started into your eyes with so much sincerity you almost believed him then and there. "No one's mad at you. I'm not mad at you and neither are Hakkai, Souta, Nahoya, Mikey, and Draken. If anything Mikey is most likely happy you were able to help while he was at such a low point. It's obvious he cares about you y/n and so does everyone else. Me, especially" he smiled as he hugged you close to him, being careful of Peke J.

At this time, he knew he shouldn't allow his feelings for you to even get involved in something like this, so he silently shoved them to the side as he rubbed soothing shapes into your back while you let out muffled cries into his sweater.

This was the least he could do for you after all you had done for him.

So, he stayed there with you cradled in his arms until you cried yourself to sleep due to exhaustion and stress. 'oh y/n. Tell us next time, please. I never want to see you in such a state again... We care about you. more than you'll ever know' he sighed softly as Peke J jumped out of your lap, allowing him to place you in his bed while he went to take care of his scars.

a/n: I'm sorry if this isn't what you were hoping for, I just hope you like it

[jean-does-not-have-a-horseface]

hi can i please request one where levi's s/o is sort of like him in personality but just melts whenever theres a baby. like she'll see a baby in town and will go from silent and moody to the heart eyes emoji but a person, or she'll babysit her neice or nephew or cousin and will be just so loving and bubbly? like its obvious that she wants to be a mum but she never brings it up because she doesnt think he wants kids and eventually they get pregnant + his reaction? sorry if this is too much (1/2)

ΑΝΟΟΟΟΝ IM BLUSHING THANK YOU SO MUCH. I really loved this request and it inspired me so I pushed before others because I had to get it out of my system. I hope you like this. It's super duper long also👉👈

Warnings: uhh pregnancy, mentions of anxiety

Tags: fluff, domestic Levi, pregnancy, modern au

Pairing: Levi/ Reader

Baby Fever

Your heartbeat grew louder with each passing second as Mike abused the door with one too many knocks. You didn't know if you could talk, or breath or do anything other than vomiting though this time from the anxiety building at the pits of your stomach and not due to your very recent event of morning sickness.

"Are you alright in there?"

You choke on your own voice as you try to huff a single response. It's not really up to your judgement of you're alright or not but rather in the small white object's that rests between the thumbs and pointer fingers of each of your hands. You contemplate if there's a way to not raise any more suspicion to the blond male, you're at his house for all that matters. Nanaba called you to take care of their their twins and you happily complied to your half sister's pleas because Mike had a very important job interview. Life had taken a toll on him lately, they couldn't afford a babysitter and he was just recently fired due to his company having to cut down expenses thanks to the pandemic. Amidst this pandemonium he had to find a way to provide for his family and help Nanaba with at least a short monthly salary. So babysitting your beloved niece and nephew wasn't much of a problem. Not until now.

At first it hadn't bothered you that your period was late, you had accepted the pcos lifestyle the hard way ever since you first got it. You would track down your period in hopes you could ever predict when it would come again but it always seemed to surprise you. Sometimes it would come in a months notice only to take four months to do a full circle. At twenty three, this was the most positive outturn as a resolution to your problem. Levi was pushing you to eat healthy and exercise to get a better grip of your situation, even though you knew it was in vain. And thus, overall it didn't bother you that you hadn't had your period still, fatigue and breast inflammation were also common problems due to hormonal abnormalities so you chose not to pay any attention to those early signs either.

What had driven you to urge Levi to drop you off to the drugstore next to Nanaba's house though was that you've been having symptoms of morning sickness for almost a week now, that you had tried to push aside for Levi not to notice. He would quarantine you on your on your own and go stay with Erwin and Hange had he any suspicion of you being down with the stomach flu. The stomach flu though didn't feel like that and you knew, you had been through it one too many times, this was something different and yet you cursed at yourself for overthinking it. You had bought the pregnancy test as something that was supposed to turn out negative, as a positive resolution that you weren't pregnant and that you should quest for whatever it was that was making your stomach turn and twist every morning.

Upon finally opening the door in an attempt not to delay Mike who wanted to attend his interview, the blond male inspected your form with a harsh gaze. "You shouldn't push yourself if you're sick. We could call my mother to watch over Eli and Blaire."

"No." You pushed it off. "I'm fine Mike, it's probably that weird mushroom soup I ate yesterday, Levi insisted on not buying it but I didn't listen."

"I see." Mike said scrunching his nose at the process. Sometimes you hated that he knew you so well that he could even smell you lying, but he was Nanaba's childhood friend before her mother married your father and had you; you had practically grown up with the blond duo so for all you knew, even if he was certainly aware that you were lying he didn't push things further. He simply placed a hand on your shoulder, the brother like nature of his touch as assuring as one can be. "If you need anything call me, I'll answer as soon as possible, drink lots of water and don't wear yourself down."

You bore your eyes into his and nodded simply. Mike greeted the twins with reluctance and let out a sigh before fixing his suit perfectly on his shoulders. The small kids smiled bubbly in return and waved at their father enthusiastically. As soon as the door closed and their father got out of sight both children jumped on you with loud giggles. The act alone was enough to curl your lips into an upward position.

By noon you had fed and lulled the kids to sleep, earning some significant time to sink into the crevices of the feathery soft sofa before Nanaba came back from her shift. As tiring as Eli and Blaire were you enjoyed their teeny company. You didn't mind their lack of ability to form full understandable sentences yet, you loved how they didn't even try to spare a second thought on what they bubbled on about and you did your best to provoke them to speak correctly. They would open their arms for you, their tiny palms signaling you to take them into long affectionate hugs as they called a baby spoken version of your nickname and you would melt at it every single time. Everyone knew you much you loved the chubby cheeked sweethearts, as much as it contrasted with your usual demeanor. There was something that truly made you feel like the best version of yourself when you were around them.

Babies seemed to be a hot topic in your group of friends for a couple of months now, ever since you started helping Nanaba in the house before Mike got fired. Levi seemed very unbothered by the subject in a way that saddened you almost; sure, you might have talked about it in the past, being that he was a little older than you and he might have understood that you longed to be a mother one day, but that was as far as that one conversation had gone. He still had that bored, stoic gaze that slipped off of yours when you would encounter a baby in the street, whereas you would basically make heart eyes and weird grimaces to any infant he would just click his tongue and avert his gaze away, to any other direction as if he disapproved off your fondness.

That memory alone left you hollowing inside as you recalled of the two very much pink lines on the screen of the test this morning. Naturally you would check with a doctor before jumping to conclusions, there still was a chance that the test was at fault and you wanted to bet on simply that. If the case was that you were actually pregnant though things were more complicated than you wanted them to be. For instance you were still in University, for your last year at that, but you had excessive amounts of studying to get your hands on your degree and Levi was cornered and ready to be squished by his job for being a vice president, which was unfair as he worked for Erwin. You understood the situation though as Erwin was struggling to keep the company going especially through these rough rough times. There was also the fact that you were terrified of Levi asking you to put the baby down, with pcos wearing your system down you were panicking that you wouldn't have a chance to conceive a baby later on. What if this was your only chance? You've always longed to be a mother so it didn't matter that it came to you this early right?

The sound of the front door clicking open shook you off your thoughts immediately. For better or for worse it was Nanaba that had finally returned, eager to strip herself of her clothes and face mask and run to the bathroom. She offered you small greeting to which you only nodded, your tired mind ordering your eyes to find comfort at small shapes in the ceiling. You didn't know how long your sister took in the bathroom, but judging by the lack of giggling coming from the babies' room you supposed it wasn't for long.

"You want to wait for Levi to come pick you up or should I give you a ride home when Mike's back? He should be home soon!" She spoke as she poured water in a red metallic boiler.

"I'll just walk. I need some air."

Nanaba emitted a soft hum in response "Are you alright? You seem off."

"Oh no." You brushed her off "I was just thinking about what I should wear at Erwin and Hange's anniversary dinner next week, and what gift to buy Levi now that his birthday is coming."

"Good, I see, just don't stress alright?"

___

The way home was longer than you had initially remembered, whether it was for your inability to walk with a steady pace or mostly because it was already getting dark and cold. You wondered if Levi would be getting home by now as you neared the apartment complex the two of you resided in. By the looks of your illuminated window he was already home as expected of him this certain hour. It probably was one of those days when he didn't have a strict deadline to attend to, which, under normal circumstances, only meant more cuddles and kisses for you. Yet, tonight was different.

"Hey Levs" Your voice lingered in his brain the moment you stepped inside.

"Hey brat, welcome home." The kiss you left on his cheek as you hurriedly headed to the bathroom was different, off almost, and he picked up on it immediately. "Did Nanaba drop you off? I had asked Mike to come by tonight, he said he'd bring some tea leaves he bought for me."

He leaned at the frame of the door as he watched you wash every crevice of your face thoroughly, paying enough attention to the insides of your outer nasal cavity. He was pretty meticulous about hygiene and especially at times like these with a hole pandemic going on he wasn't taking any chances, you knew, plus you were kind of disgusted of germs lately yourself, you thought you finally understood where he was coming from. He took a few steps ahead, away from your body in search of a clean face towel to hand out to you when you were done. You have it to him, even if he seemed cold as stone that domestic lifestyle was mesmerizing to you.

"Thanks baby, you're the best." You half smiled.

"You good?"

At this point you wondered if you seriously we're so easy to read. You supposed you were off, but you were always off and unresponsive to many things so what exactly was it about today that made everyone know you had a conflict in your mind.

"Yeah I'm just tired, I walked here."

Levi clicked his tongue at that "Nanaba's home is very far away from here, have a shower and I'll rub your legs and feet." With eyes that never left yours Levi watched as your face lit up a little more, he gave you a tiny of a smile on return.

"You prooomise Levs?" You knew teasing with him could only lead to one thing, yet you did it shamelessly.

"Tch, of course, hurry up, I'm making pancakes with eggs and bacon."

Normally at the very sound of this particular food your eyes would water and your mouth would drool but the unresponsive nature of your expression only sent a new wave of worry through Levi's chest. As much as he had wanted to convince himself you were just tired, he couldn't, not after this reaction to your favorite snack. He decided not to push you into saying anything you didn't want to though. Maybe it was that enormous amount of notes you had to memorize for your next exams in addition to your fatigue and any hormonal altercations.

"Yeah" you trailed off "babe, about that, can we have cocktail shrimp? And maybe fried rice and fries? Pretty pretty please?"

Ah, there it was. Although it was a rare occasion for you not to be in the mood of his infamous pancakes, you could still have a few different cravings from time to time. Levi let out a sigh of relief as he proceeded your order trying to figure of where he should order from, last night's mushroom soup had messed your stomach up, that he knew, but you seemed to be fine now so in theory that should be enough to prevent him from whining out his concerns.

As he closed the door to the bathroom he hummed his favorite tune to himself, softly enough as not to disturb you with your bath. He picked up his phone from the kitchen table with ease before collapsing on the couch, there was a limit to what his body could take and he had surpassed that by far these past few months. Endless deadlines that took turns one after another and extra hours at the office had been killing him, mentally and physically, making him a little more grumpy than usual. In great addition his back ached, his fingers were sore and his mind felt like canned alphabet soup every single night. Perhaps, seeing him in this state was taking a toll on you as well; you were always so protective over him, almost like a mother to her child, despite being younger, and he if he had to, he'd admit he enjoyed it a little too much than he should have.

When you came out of the bathroom he gazed over you briefly, you were sitting before the end of the dresser, standing in front of the full body mirror, examining your form. He seemed to be puzzled by your demeanor once again. Normally, or up until yesterday, you would have immediately shot out to where he was seated at to plough into his arms with wet hair, only to slightly irritate him for getting him wet, not that he didn't enjoy to smell your fresh scent anyway, but it was a game of routine for you by now. It was almost as if you were seeking to be scolded at for not rushing to dry your hair. He always wanted you as healthy as ever.

You couldn't shake off your head how soft Levi's chest is. There probably wasn't a reason as to why he's sleeping shirtless tonight, your apartment was very warm, given that it was the start of December already, but you didn't complain. The feeling of creamy, milky soft skin, perfectly excused by any coarse hair was slowly putting you to sleep. You loved how Levi was so soft everywhere you touched, it was so unlike what the world perceived of him, maybe your baby's skin was going to be as smooth and perfect as his and not as dry and oily as yours. Of course the baby's skin was going to be soft, ugh and those little arms and legs, you couldn't lie to your self, deep down you were just a tad excited to have a baby, if it meant that it would look like Levi you wouldn't want to give up on it for the world.

"Levi, does Kenny keep baby pictures of you?"

"What?" The onyx haired male raised a brow at your inquiry but didn't give you enough time to repeat yourself before he answered. "My mother had so many pictures of me so I guess that it's natural that he has some and well there probably are a few pictures from after my mother's death, I'm not that sure."

In response, he only earned a hum.

"Tch, can I lay on your chest? I want you to play with my hair." His eyes pleaded with you in the darkness. Of course you could never say no to such thing, you loved it even more when he was the one sleeping on you. Another sentence left his lips, this time with a yawn as he shifted himself on you, cooing like a small child. "I'll call Kenny tomorrow, sleep now I know you need it."

____

Under any other circumstance you would have loved seeing everyone's dumbfounded faces stating at you as if they had seen the dead rise from their graves. You had to pinch your arms to remind yourself this was indeed serious and you shouldn't let out a single chuckle.

"Please tell me you're joking" Nanaba pleaded, placing her hand on yours in disbelief.

"I'm going to screeeeeam! Shorty can't even hold it in, ghaaaa!"

"Hange he will hear you through the restroom."

Hange blinked her eyes rapidly at the sound of that. "You haven't told him?" She immediately seemed to lose her enthusiasm, something you hadn't intended to happen, especially at such a night, but you knew you didn't have a say in other people's emotions.

"Hange he never seemed too fond of the idea, why would I complicated things for him?"

Mike's eyes widened in disbelief. There was no way in hell he was having this. You were practically his little sister, seeing you so tormented as you were in the moment when you spoke those words ravaged his last nerve, causing anger to clench his hands into fists. He watched as you took a small bite of your food giving the rest to Eli who was comfortably sitting on your lap, tapping his little hands on the rim of your plate. Other than the fact you broke out such news to him, Nanaba Hange and Erwin and had expressed your fears on informing your significant other, you seemed quite bubbly. Children really did bring out such a soft side of you, he knew that was for sure.

"Hange" you spoke, unphased as ever "Levi's coming please stop screaming at me, i love you but it's only making me dizzy."

It felt as if a thousand pairs of eyes were burning holes through his whole body, his head, and everywhere around his personal space bubble. Levi could feel his pulse tense just a tad, Hange's unnerving gaze and her crippling smile were fixated especially on him, making his nose itchy. There was something very different in the atmosphere around him; Nanaba wasn't eating anymore, she was more fixated on her daughter than anyone else, Erwin was nervously staring between him and you and you and Mike were trying to clean Eli's hands from the food he had just touched. When the scenery wasn't something irregular, none of you dared look eachother in the eyes, beat it that Hange was staring only at him.

"Oi, what the fuck is wrong-"

"Levi, shorty! Does Eli look like he's enjoying himself in (y/n)'s arms?" Hange turned her sweetened gaze on you, making you choke on your words, you shot her an atrociously strict glare. "Remember when Nanaba gave birth? What do you think about babies? Maybe you think they smell a lot? But what about ackerbabies?"

"Way to be discreet Han, thank you!" Your lips puckered in anger as you brought your arms to cross under your chest.

"Wait what's going on shitty glasses?"

"Yada Yada shorty, you're not getting a word from me, my lips are sealed" Hange spoke and shut her eyes to emphasize the significance of her words.

You sighed in a pathetic attempt to relieve some tention of your chest. A tight knot had formed due to anxiety, fog had clouded over your brain and you were feeling so faint and exhausted that you just wanted to get it over with. You didn't mind standing there like a fish out of water after breaking the news to him, the tention in the air was in fact what was making you suffocate in your seat. With wobbly hands you pushed Eli off your lap, not caring about the moan of disagreement he made and you shot up from your seat, announcing you had to take some fresh air. Levi had to stop Nanaba mid tracks to be able to come after you, fast enough to be there when you got out.

Naturally, you stood seated at a bench that neared the restaurant. Your hands were covering your face scratching softly through your hair, probably in attempts to calm your self down. He approached you without any second thought, this time determined to know what was it with you. Your behavior these past week had been unnerving and overly concerning to say the least. Carefully he sat himself down next to you, his right arm come around your frame comfortingly while the left one came to caress underneath your cheek.

"You should probably talk to me."

Your voice came muffled from between your palms as you still hadn't dared to look him in the eye. "Levi, I'm, I'm so sorry it's just... I'm very anxious."

"I think I figured that, brat." His voice was so soothing, it felt as if he was speaking to you in the comfort of your private room, not on a bench outside a semi fancy restaurant

"You know when Hange talked about ackerbabies she uhm, she might have had a particular baby in mind."

Levi blinked erratically for a single second before his mouth, unable to compel to his brain's orders, formed the shape of an oh. Of course, in the moment it was hard to click with any other even but he attributed that to his lack of knowledge over the situation. Had he any clue or suspicion that you could be pregnant he would have been able to realise that it wasn't that your stress had been messing with your stomach every morning and that your extreme fatigue couldn't possible align with the erratically swift rhythm of your palms. Of course, of course it wasn't a thermometer that you had disposed of in the toilet, he wanted to slap himself for being so naive as to believe that. He was strict with recycling rules, you wouldn't have just straight up there s thermometer in the trash. Fuck now's not the time to think about recycling.

With the soft, chaste kiss at the top of your hair you finally decided to turn your gaze to him. Watery eyes met with an adoring grey gaze, a gaze you've never seen at this extreme before. "I love you, you know." Another kiss meant your head got to lift a little more, just to get closer to him. "I don't say it often but you don't have to worry, I'll try to tell our kid more often."

Your eyes shimmered with adoration at his words, despite the cold weather you couldn't bring yourself to feel not even a little tingle, Levi was keeping you so warm with his words. "Really? You want this?"

"Tch why wouldn't I, you thought I'd ever let you go and leave me lonely? I've always thought you knew we're sharing the same future."

Your lips attacked his in fiery passion. It was a natural reaction to his words, an ice melting kiss, a promise for the future. There were many reasons as to why you lived Levi but maybe the fact that you would have a little stoic faced baby running around your feet made you love him a little bit more.

[it-was-summer]

Video Killed The Radio Star - Chapter 6 (Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader)

A/N: Hello! I’m sorry for being so inactive, I just started up college again this semester and it’s been a long week and it’s only Wednesday. I think I might try to update Sunday every week starting next week so we will see how that works out!

Warnings: Soft mention of drugs once again, They are just talking again and things are being put in motion. 

Plot: Spencer and you have conversations and make some plans. You have a certain kind of dream. 

Word Count: 2.1K

Spencer could feel his cheeks grow warm, a grin creeping its way onto his face. There was the pesky idea of fate repeating in the back of his mind. Spencer suppressed the idea, not wanting it to ruin the moment. He was too busy zoning out, thinking about how easy the smile on his face appeared when he heard your voice, not noticing the growing silence over the line. “Spencer?” your voice called through the phone.

“Yes, I’m sorry, I’m here!” Spencer laughed quickly, clearing his throat nervously. “Why are you up?”

He heard you laughing over the phone, nervous knots twisting in his stomach. “Spencer, it’s seven o’clock.” You giggled, feeling lighter than you had all day. You heard him laugh nervously at himself as he muttered an embarrassment, “Right.”

Spencer licked his lips, “Why did you call?” he questioned, trying his best to relax on his couch.

You felt the weight in your chest replace the butterflies, swallowing hard. You had kept it all in, it was hard to pick the reason for your call. You took in a deep breath, blowing it out slowly. “Things have just been piling up, and I feel like I need some help.” your fingers pinched the comforter between your thumb and index.

“What kind of things have been piling up?” Spencer asked, straightening as he listened.

You pinched the comforter tighter, jaw clenching down. You didn’t want to cry with Dr. Spencer Reid on the phone. Maybe it was because you hated feeling vulnerable. You tried your best to relax and remember that he wouldn’t judge you, he said to call if you needed anything, and you did. “I don’t want to say something stupid,”

“You won’t,”

“Well, it kind of started when I left the hospital. I had a dream, a memory, one night. I could feel her, she wasn’t there, because she’s dead! Then,” you let out a calming breath, “Then, I was in my mom’s kitchen, and I saw this pink light. I was back there, like in the room, I could feel it, smell it.” You shivered, overwhelming anxiety dawning on you.

You felt safe with Spencer, you couldn’t explain why you did, but you did. Was it because he was the first face you saw that day? Or because he had come to check up on you in the hospital?

Despite your overwhelming feeling of trust towards Spencer, you couldn’t stop the tiny voice in the back of your mind that told you he thought you were crazy. Clammy hands rubbed against your pajama pants in a desperate attempt to dry them.

Spencer wanted to spew statistics, say something about how many victims experience post-traumatic stress disorder, but he stopped himself. He wanted to dig deeper, he wanted you to know you weren’t alone. He cleared his throat, trying to sound calm. “I know what it’s like, to feel like they’re still around. It seems irrational to think that a dead person is around, that getting saved was all a dream, but I know what it’s like.”

Your heart rate slowed at his words, closing your eyes as you chuckled gently. “You just have to say that because you're my federal agent,” teasing him softly over the phone.

“Hey, that’s Doctor federal agent to you.” Spencer joked, a tiny chuckle building up in his throat. “I’m saying it because I know,” he ruffled his hair as he tried to think about what to say, falling back into a silent panic. He wasn’t used to talking to people about it, especially people that he didn’t know. He tried to recall his emotions, trying his hardest to remember. He wanted to be a beacon of light for you, something to follow, something to trust. He swallowed hard, “About two years ago, I was kidnapped,”

“Spencer,” your tone was so soft, so sweet, he felt his chest pound. “You don’t have to explain anything to me,” You heard a gentle protest on the other line, shushing him. “Spencer, really, it already means the world to me that you gave me your number. You didn’t even have to pick up and yet, you did.”

Spencer hesitated, wanting to insist that he was fine with talking about it, to insist that it didn’t bother him, but he kept his mouth shut. He knew that it wasn’t something he was comfortable with talking about and you were right. He didn’t even know you, but here he was trying to convince you that you were safe. That you weren’t alone. “I’m sorry,”

“For what?”

Spencer grinned, feeling lame as he searched for an answer. After a few moments of silence, you spoke up again, “Spencer, I’m not working right now and I’m always alone,” you trailed off, your cheeks flaring, “Well, I was wondering if I could keep calling you. As long as you aren’t busy,”

You were waiting to hear Spencer’s calming voice reject you, but you could hear the excitement in his voice as he answered with an enthusiastic “Yes,”

You felt your chest tighten, “I’ll call you tomorrow at eight?”

“Eight sounds good,”

“Okay,”

“Okay,”

You quickly said a nervous goodbye, hanging up after hearing Spencer bid you farewell.

---

It was night, cool breezes blew through your hair, as you looked up with a smile. Your arms wrapped around his neck, large hands holding your hips. You ignored the excitement shooting down your spine, your body feeling nuclear under his touch, your emotions being the bomb and his touch was the impact. You felt so wonderfully warm if something touched you, you were sure it would heat up in a second.

You felt his hands move away, pulling at his neck for a thick scarf, wrapping it around your neck delicately, pulling you closer by the ends of it. He laughed, peppermint filling your senses, leaning down quickly. You caught a glance of hazel eyes before you woke up in your lonesome bed.

A pit formed in the bottom of your stomach as you push yourself up on your bed, blinking as you registered who you were just dreaming about. You let out a whisper of a desperate no, dramatically falling back down onto the bed with a groan. Your hands rubbed your eyelids, trying not to picture Spencer leaning down, trying not to remember how he smelt of peppermint. How did you even know that? You scolded yourself as you got up, throwing on some semi-appropriate clothes and heading for the door with your crutches.

You needed some air, you knew he was in your dreamland of romance because he was the last person you talked to last night. After the phone call, you spent the rest of the long night on your bed with a copy of The Picture Of Dorian Gray. Why couldn’t demonic Dorian Gray live in your dreamland? You limped into the coffee shop, holding back a giddy smile as you gave Spencer Reid’s lips one last thought.

You had spent the rest of your day, doing mindless tasks; you read, you cleaned, watched mindless television, anything to keep yourself distracted. Your mind kept drifting towards darker ends, today seemingly worse than the last. Your body yearning desperately for numbing bliss, a gentle reminder that despite all of your romantic dwellings you were still living in an unbearable existence.

You were about to endure another episode of staring up at the ceiling when there was a gentle knock at the door. You welcomed the distraction with a grin, hobbling as fast as you could, over to the door. You opened it to see a delivery woman smiling back at you as she handed you a tiny package, you signed for it quickly and politely shut the door. You sat at your kitchen table, opening the package with a tiny struggle.

It was free from all the tape now, but you couldn’t stop the sick feeling from eating at you. What if you had another stalker? How stupid were you to just bring a package into your house? After everything that had happened, you cursed yourself for your carelessness. You swallowed a quick gulp of air, opening up the package slowly. You let out the air with a tiny gasp, seeing a tiny card on the inside that read Spencer. The note was right next to a box of peppermint tea and a small copy of Oscar Wilde’s The Nightingale and the Rose.

You tried not to let it get to you as fire decorated your cheeks, you opened the note quickly, reading messy handwriting.

Y/N,

Since you said you were always alone, let this keep you company.

-Spencer

You bit the inside of your cheek, heart racing as your stomach filled with the fluttering wings of butterflies. Before you could let your mind go any farther, you suppressed them, choking the life out of beating wings in your stomach. It wasn’t fair to him, to Spencer. He was too good and you were here in your apartment, yearning for a drug to satisfy you. He didn’t need that. He shouldn’t have to fix you and he wasn’t going to be your coping mechanism.  

You stood up, grabbing the peppermint tea, slipping it into the cabinet with a dramatic huff. On your way back to the couch you grabbed the book, sitting down and letting it do the job of keeping you company.

After a cup of peppermint tea, you called Spencer’s phone. You felt a very familiar lump grow in your throat as you heard the first ring. Despite being in the good company of a good book, you couldn’t stop thinking about Spencer. It seemed that thoughts of him kept you more company than anything Oscar Wilde could produce. You let yourself be convinced that he was just a friend, that he was just someone trying to help you get through a rough patch. He was just someone who understood.

Another ring. You squeezed your eyes tight, the sudden urge to hang up the phone was becoming slightly overwhelming. You were about to hang up the phone at the third ring, but then you heard a very breathless “Hello?”

Anxiety exited your system, warmth replacing the void effortlessly. “Hi,” you chuckled, hearing a heavy pant on the other end of the line, “Did I interrupt a workout  routine?”

“No,” Spencer let out a breathy laugh, relaxing at the sound of your voice. It was a welcome distraction from his day, they didn’t have a case, it was just a long day. “I was just cleaning up,”

“Is the doctor dirty?” you questioned, the word choice setting in as your cheeks became a light pink, stuttering to fix your mistake. “I mean, messy! Are you messy?”

Spencer didn’t think the question was all that odd till he realized that it could have been taken out of context and then he let out a tiny chuckle, shaking his head slowly. “No, I’m not dirty, just cluttered,” he answered, a smile on his lips. “Did you get the package?”

“Yes,” Your voice rising in volume with excitement, “I did, it was perfect. Thank you so much.” A tiny piece of guilt slithering into your mind as you stole a glance over at the book next to you. You were about to speak when Spencer cut you off.

“I was just thinking about what you said last night and thought it would cheer you up,”

Your guilty thoughts came to a halt, a blush creeping its way towards your ears as you let out a gentle, “It did,”

“I’m glad it did,”

You let out a soft hum, trying to come up with something to say. You wanted to ask him how his day was, or ask him how he was feeling. But all of those questions seemed weak. You could’ve told him that you wanted to be friends, but your emotions decided for you. “Would you be alright with going out, like as friends?”

“As friends?”

“I would like us to go out as friends, yes.” your voice shook slightly with anxiety as you waited for his response.

Spencer couldn’t fight back the laugh bubbling in his chest, chuckling at how nervous you seemed. “I would love to,”

“Are you sure?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

“I don’t know, you might think I’m weird or something?”

“Y/N,”

“Yes?”

“I would want nothing more than to go out with you, as a friend, that is.”

[robininthelabyrinth]

Fire and Light (ao3) - on tumblr: part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4, part 5, part 6

- Chapter 7 -

There was an incident at the Cloud Recesses.

Nie Mingjue offered to go deal with it, and Wen Ruohan was so busy laughing at the sheer absurdity of the idea that he allowed Wen Xu to go in his stead, which was what they had all been hoping for. Nie Huaisang had come up with the idea of the staggered offer; he was surprisingly adept at predicting how Wen Ruohan would behave, which secretly worried Nie Mingjue more than a little.

(The plan did result in a few more ‘walks’, Wen Ruohan being temporarily reminded of Nie Mingjue’s existence, and Nie Huaisang was so upset by that side-effect that he wanted to resign from making any more plans in the future. That wasn’t plausible, of course, given where they lived, but Nie Mingjue would happily suffer a little if it meant that his little brother wouldn’t turn too scheming as a result of his success.)

Wen Xu returned a while later with a letter in his hand and a twitch in his eye that refused to go away for a while. He was of a nervous disposition, whether naturally or because of how he was raised, and his anxiety was only made worse by stress – the Nightless City, unfortunately, being full of stress. Wen Qing said that he used to be cruel and vicious, obtaining relief from his own pain only by hurting others; she said, with a little too much perspicuity given her age, that it was the inevitable result of his having found out long ago that there was no consequence to his actions and, moreover, that his meanness was the only quality of his of which his father seemed to approve. Nie Mingjue hadn’t seen much of that, except maybe for some arrogance in the beginning, but Wen Qing had rolled her eyes at him when he said as much, saying that of course he hadn’t seen it, it’d been different ever since Nie Mingjue showed up.

Why that made a difference, Nie Mingjue had no idea. He hadn’t done anything, or at least he hadn’t done it intentionally.

“What happened?” he asked. “Is –”

“A-Chao is fine, no thanks to Wen Zhuliu,” Wen Xu said, grinding his teeth in a way that would probably hurt his jaw and require copious amounts of Wen Ning’s medicinal soup later to ease the soreness and strain. “We were right about him trying to get A-Chao kicked out of the Cloud Recesses and dependent on him.”

“More brothels?”

“I wish. A-Chao has been refusing to go to them –”

According to the letters Nie Mingjue has seen from both Wen Chao himself and Lan Xichen, his reaction has been to all but burst into tears at the very thought – Wen Xu’s impassioned speech had apparently made a rather large dent in his impressionable psyche. He wouldn’t even risk walking thought a red-light district at night out of concern that he might succumb to some previously unknown predatory instinct and then die horribly as a consequence.

“– so Wen Zhuliu, shall we say, creatively interpreted his refusal into being a fear of disease.”

“I mean, it is a fear of disease,” Wen Qing said dryly. “Disease is how you scared him. With the information from my books, no less.”

“No, you don’t –” Wen Xu waved his hands, looking distressed. More distressed than usual, even. “On second thought, maybe I shouldn’t be talking about this with you lot. You’re all far too young. Mingjue, you understand what I mean?”

“I have no idea what you mean,” Nie Mingjue said blankly. “You haven’t even said anything yet.”

“He’s saying that Wen Zhuliu brought A-Chao a girl he could be certain wasn’t diseased,” Nie Huaisang said, his nose wrinkled. “Let me guess, the ‘incident’ in question was A-Chao being accused of rape? Probably someone young?”

“How did you figure that out?” Wen Xu demanded.

“I read a lot of pornography,” Nie Huaisang said. “Some of it involves less savory subjects.”

“Did I know you were reading about less savory subjects?” Nie Mingjue demanded, a little appalled. “Huaisang, everything we said about A-Chao being too young applies to you too, you know –”

“I read it for the art, da-ge. And the insight into what people like when they think other people aren’t looking; it’s surprisingly transferable to the rest of life. Anyway, since you’re here without A-Chao, I take it that he got out of it?”

“When he saw the girl lying in his bed, he remembered all of Mingjue’s scolding,” Wen Xu said. “He immediately ran out to find an adult to assist him. He’d been dosed with something to make him more susceptible - you know what I mean, that sort of thing, but also something to make him dizzy and forgetful, probably so he wouldn’t know for sure if he’d done it or not - but luckily he found a Lan who recognized it.”

“A Lan that knows something about drugs? That’s the most implausible part of everything you’ve said so far.”

Nie Mingjue poked Wen Qing in the forehead for excess cynicism.

“Not only did he know about it, he was able to eliminate the effects while preserving evidence regarding it,” Wen Xu said, sounding begrudgingly impressed. “His testimony of A-Chao’s innocence is rather unimpeachable.”

“What did he do, run to Teacher Lan?” Wen Ning asked, eyes wide. He’d been inexplicably terrified of Lan Qiren ever since they’d met briefly at a discussion conference – apparently Lan Qiren had imparted some wise words and Wen Ning had said something stupid in response, and now he wanted to dig himself into a giant pit any time the man’s name was so much as mentioned.

“Oh no,” Wen Xu said. “That’s the best part of this story, actually. This whole thing happened in the middle of the night, a dark one with barely any moon, and you know how A-Chao is with directions –”

“Tell him something he wants is the next town to the east and he’ll immediately go to the west, south and north before he makes it.”

“He got lost,” Nie Mingjue guessed. “And ended up…where? With who?”

“Qingheng-jun.”

The entire room simultaneously buried their faces in their hands.

“He intruded on Sect Leader Lan’s seclusion,” Nie Huaisang moaned. “The seclusion that’s been going on for nearly twenty years. Because of course he did, that’s our A-Chao for you. Oh, Lan Wangji is going to kill me…”

“You’re still in contact?” Nie Mingjue asked, surprised.

“We exchange letters, it’s no big deal. Tell me more about what happened – did they actually have to get Qingheng-jun to testify?”

“Oh yes, the family made a big stink about it. They wanted to get the girl married in as a concubine or the sect to pay out; they weren’t exactly happy when all the doctors confirmed that she was still pure. They even accused the doctors of being paid off! Lan sect doctors!”

“What did you do with Wen Zhuliu?”

“He claimed he had no idea how it happened. Somehow while also implying that I was being unnecessarily overzealous in A-Chao’s defense, since there’s nothing that unusual about taking a concubine – as if everyone wouldn’t understand it as being all but an outright admission that he was a rapist! I pretended I believed that he wasn’t responsible for the whole thing - he was, of course - and told him that if something like this happened on his watch without his knowledge, he was clearly a piece of shit bodyguard that ought to be replaced.”

“I bet he liked that!”

-

“I want to learn archery,” Wen Ning said.

“You already know archery,” Nie Mingjue said, ruffling his hair. “You’re very good at archery.”

“Not in public I’m not.” Wen Ning firmed up his jaw. “I want to be good enough at archery that I can win honor for the Wen sect when the main competition is archery.”

“That won’t be until the next time we host,” Wen Xu pointed out. “Which is years from now. You’ll be sixteen – no, seventeen by then.”

“Ancient,” Nie Mingjue, who was about that age himself, said solemnly. “Doddering. Almost decrepit. The only thing worse would be if you were twenty and on your way to twenty-one –”

Wen Xu glared.

“I’m serious,” Wen Ning insisted. “Everyone else has a talent. Why not me?”

“All right, then,” Nie Mingjue said, because mentioning how good a cook of medicinal cuisine Wen Ning was would clearly not be appropriate at this juncture. Lots of boys eventually wanted to learn a martial skill, no matter where their real talents might lie. He might have even said all boys, except of course there was always Nie Huaisang to be the glaring exception to the rule. “We’ll adjust your training regime, invite some specialized tutors…”

Wen Ning was shaking his head. “I want to go to the Jiang sect.”

“What?”

“They always win, don’t they? Maybe they lose out on first place to the Lan sect, with their arm strength, or by some fluke to someone else, but if they have a strong contestant, they win, and even when they don’t win they always place. It’s the best place to go learn.” He shrugged. “Anyway, it’s not like I’m going to get invited to the Cloud Recesses.”

Nie Mingjue had half a dozens protests on his lips, and they all died at once. It was true. Wen Ning would not be invited to study at Gusu, possessing neither an exceptional talent for some facet of learning nor a family willing to push him in. Nie Huaisang would go without question on the basis of Lan Qiren’s former friendship with their father, assuming Wen Ruohan would allow it, and Wen Qing, only interested in the study of medicine, had recently started corresponding with various medicine halls and could maybe get an internship somewhere. She’d been talking recently about Lanling, and though he’d objected to that on the basis of Jin Guangshan, the whole world would welcome a promising doctor.

Only Wen Ning would be trapped here, in the Nightless City.

(With Nie Mingjue, who could not leave, because he wasn’t broken enough yet. Who might not ever be, might live and die without ever being allowed out any further than a closely supervised night hunt, like a bird in a cage.)

Nie Mingjue didn’t especially like the idea of staying here in the Nightless City alone, but his own interests had never been as important as those he could protect. Unlike him, Wen Ning had a future, a life of his own, to look forward to, and so Nie Mingjue looked at Wen Xu. “Do you think…?”

Wen Xu made a face. “I’m not sure,” he said, frowning at Wen Ning in a way that Nie Mingjue knew meant something to Qishan Wen minds because of the way that Wen Ning ducked his head in embarrassment. “They don’t normally take outside students the way that the Lan sect does. I guess we could ask, though, using the way the Lan sect blew up as a cover.”

“They’re readjusting,” Nie Mingjue corrected, trying to be diplomatic. “Qingheng-jun was in seclusion for such a long time – it’s a big change for them for him to come out. For his sons, especially.”

He wished that he could write to Lan Xichen. Not because he had something intelligent to say about it, but more so that he could listen to all the emotions Lan Xichen was undoubtedly trying to suppress – Nie Mingjue couldn’t imagine how he must be feeling. His father, locked away for so long so as to be little more than a myth, suddenly and abruptly brought back to life –

Perhaps it was better that they didn’t write. Given what had happened to Nie Mingjue’s own father, Lan Xichen would probably refrain from saying anything at all.

“In other words, they blew up,” Wen Xu said dryly. “I’ll write to the Jiang sect and make some inquiries, not naming any names. If we get their approval, we can figure out how best to petition Father. He’ll like that angle, though; winning honor…Huaisang came up with that, did he?”

Nie Mingjue was going to protest, but Wen Ning nodded.

“I figured. We’re still going to adjust your schedule, start getting you ready – we need to make it believable.”

“Why does it have to be believable if it’s true?” Nie Mingjue asked, looking from one to the other. “Why would A-Ning do something if he doesn’t want to do it?”

“I do want to do it!” Wen Ning exclaimed, his little face red but determined. “I want to do it really badly, Mingjue-ge. Really.”

“All right, then,” Nie Mingjue said, convinced despite his suspicion that they were up to something – but then, they were always up to something, and he was usually not included.

For very good reason, and at his own request.

“All right,” he said again. “If you want it, then we’ll find a way.”

-

“Tell me everything you know,” Wen Ruohan murmured. “And it can stop.”

For today, he meant. A fool’s promise, false gold, worthless – meaning nothing.

Nie Mingjue talked anyway.

-

Wen Chao arrived home from the Cloud Recesses, to everyone’s joy, and even managed, with some hurrying, to make it back a week before Wen Ning was scheduled to set out.

“I brought wine for everyone!” he announced.

“You did not,” Nie Mingjue said sternly, though he wasn’t quite able to stop himself from smiling.

“Okay, okay, I got gifts for everyone. But I also brought wine, if you want some – it’s called Emperor’s Smile, you’ll like it –”

“Forget the wine,” Nie Mingjue said. “You’ve grown!”

He had – at least half a hand’s worth, and his face was starting to show the curves of adulthood, despite the considerable baby fat remaining.  

“I’ve grown?” Wen Chao laughed. “Look who’s talking!”

Everyone laughed, even Nie Mingjue, who ducked his head – it wasn’t his fault that he kept on growing. His father had been especially tall, and his mother even more so; it was to be expected!

Admittedly, it wouldn’t hurt to start slowing down a little. Any time now.

“Yes, well, I grow any more and your father will chop me off at the ankles,” he said, shaking his head. Wen Ruohan seemed torn between pleasure at having such a hulking beast tamed at his feet – his words – and irritation that Nie Mingjue would shortly be able to look down at him. “Tell us about your studies, A-Chao. Did you make any friends?”

“Did you pass?” Nie Huaisang asked.

“Of course I passed! And I only cheated once –”

Nie Mingjue covered his eyes and groaned dramatically.

“When I go, I’m going to cheat all the time,” Nie Huaisang announced.

Nie Mingjue aimed for an even more dramatic groan.

“And you probably won’t pass even if you do,” Wen Qing put in.

Now it was Nie Huaisang’s turn to moan. “Has anyone ever told you that your tongue is as sharp and piercing as your needles, A-Qing?”

“No. You want me to demonstrate why?”

“Help! Help! Have mercy!”

[blackbird-brewster]

Hello Black Bird Brewster! I'm the anon from chaotic archeologist who thinks they are autistic and am going to a dr for pain. I would like to hear any advice and thoughts you have about disclosing information to a dr about 'self diagnosed autism' and maybe how to convey my pain symptoms so I'm not brushed aside?

I grew up with weird ass parents so I've been suffering for quite a long time so I'm real good at 'masking'

Hello Anon,

Thanks for reaching out! For context, I live with multiple disabilities/chronic illnesses. My first dx on this list was about a decade ago. I am also ADHD, that was dx as a kid but I haven't actually had 'treatment' since I was like 10? A couple of years ago I realised I'm also Autistic! Self-diagnosis is extremely important and valid. Because I am a seemingly 'well-adjusted' adult there is literally NO way for me to seek medical dx for autism in my country. There's also no support or benefit to me getting a medical dx. It just isn't accessible, so that's not a thing I care about. I know I'm autistic and that's what's important.

Okay! Now for your question. Approaching any doctor or specialist to discuss chronic pain/illness is ALWAYS nerve-wracking. We unfortunately live in a world where most doctors think they are the know-all be-all of medical knowledge and as soon as you try to suggest your own findings or possible dx of what's going on, they just shut you down. Doctors are taught to 'fix' things. They are trained to deal with acute illnesses that they can slap a band-aid on and heal the patient.

When it comes to CHRONIC illnesses, they don't usually knwo what the fuck they're doing. So they tend to be dismissive because dismissing your symptoms/experiences, is easier than them simply admitting they don't have the answer: they don't know what's going on or what is causing your symptoms. The bar is so low it's on the fucking floor. All we want is to have doctors who actually LISTEN and who are open to discussion, but that isn't always the case. And I know seeking second opinions can be costly and inaccessible, depending on your situation. So what are we to do? My best advice for your appointment to discuss your pain: Be prepared!!

Start a daily journal that you can track your daily pain symptoms. Note anything that seems to make things better or worse. You can do this in a journal or use an app! I use Daylio for mood tracking and all of my symptoms. It's a great app!

Make a symptom tracked of all the things you have been experiencing. You can also do this in Daylio which is hella handy because it's fully customisable. And I can pull up my phone at appointments and immediately report 'Well after I started this medication I logged ten straight days of anxiety, so maybe we need to try something else'

Prepare a detailed medical history that you can print out and hand over as soon as you walk through the door. (This especially helps me because sometimes my autistic anxiety of talking to a new specialist makes me suddenly minimise everything in the moment. But having things pre-written helps so much!) [Here's a template I made]

Bring a support person!! Bring someone you trust, who knows everything you've been going through so they can help fill in blanks and they can take notes during the appointment. My partner takes notes for me because otherwise, I will instantly forget what the doctor said. I get so stressed about my appointments that I usually am half-dissociative during them, so having my partner there is SO helpful.

BRING SOME COMFORT ITEMS!! I do NOT go to any appointment without my favourite fidget AND a stuffed animal. Fuck what people think about it. It's the only way I can pay attention at appointments and I am unashamed to stimm in order to be functional.

The more prepared you are, the more serious doctors seem to take you. (Again, it should NOT be this hard but we're just trying to survive a medical system that does NOT want to help disabled people.)

Now, in terms of your autism:

This is entirely a personal choice. I am extremely lucky to have a GP who listens to me and is 100% supportive when I go 'Hey, I think all these symptoms could be x,y,z' I had already been seeing ehr for years when I realised I'm autistic, so when I realised it I was in the same dilemma you are in. Ultimately, I never had a sort of 'coming out' as autistic convo with her. I simply just started talking about it casually in regards to my treatment. 'Well, my autistic sensory needs would not be able to cope with that medication. Is there something else we could try?' Stuff like that. I also always have my medical bracelet on that states I'm autistic. And I'm always sporting my pronoun badges and at least one badge that clearly states I'm autistic. She has never asked about it, she just has just begun to take my autism into account as we discuss treatments. But for new doctors/specialists, I have a very clear disclaimer on my little medical document. It is highlighted at the top and it simply says: I am autistic, please be patient with me.

I will also tell doctors this up front and I try to name my needs throughout the appointment. Things like asking for them to email me a copy once they finish their full report of our appointment, or asking them to explain something further if I don't understand, or asking them for more information about treatments before I can make a decision.

I never declare 'Hey, I'm self-dx autistic and here's all the reasons why I believe this.' because that is NOT the important part. What's important is that I am able to voice what I need in terms of accessibility in regards to my autism.

If you're seeing a doctor for anything other than an actual autism assessment/treatment (like a psychdoc), then I don't see any reason why you need to over disclose things. You don't need to try and validate the fact you are autistic to a doctor who is simply trying to treat your chronic pain.

You are autistic. Full stop. You don't need to expend any extra emotional energy in order to convince other people of that fact. If you WANT to talk to your doctor about these things, then go for it. But if you're concern lies with 'what do I NEED to disclose' the answer is absolutely nothing you're uncomfortable with. I hope this helps and I really hope your appointment goes well. I hope your pain eases soon, my anon love. Please always remember that your feelings and needs are completely valid and you should never have to compromise your comfort levels for anyone. I love you. I am proud of you. I am here for you. x

[starryeyedrogue]

mental health & vent

again, a long one. please stick with me here.

tw: depression, anxiety, ptsd, epilepsy diagnosis, suicidal thoughts mention

hey everyone, like I said in my last post, I won’t be as active on here. this doesn’t mean I’m quitting by any means, I’m here for the long haul! I just need a break for a little bit. 

side note: I am not in any way suicidal or practicing self harm. this is just to vent and act as a PSA for my mutuals/followers.

now onto my main message. 

I’ve seen lots of posts about mental health lately, and I’m so incredibly proud of those who have spoken up. They’ve inspired me to make my own post, actually. normally I’d keep it to myself, but this time has been rough and I want to get it off my chest. I’ll probably delete this later, but still. 

I’ve been depressed. 

long story short, I had a very traumatic experience a couple years ago with an ex boyfriend (not going into it on this post, for details just dm me. not something I’d want to post publicly, this is just an explanation) and I was deeply depressed. I was never diagnosed “officially” because I was afraid to speak up, as this would expose what I was going through. I had really bad anxiety at that time too, and I still do. I also have PTSD flashbacks from it now and again. none of this was diagnosed, and I still don’t want to bring it up to my doctors/family. my irl friends don’t even know, at least not most of it. 

I have monoclonic epilepsy, which means my seizures are fairly small. my arms, legs, feet, hands, and fingers twitch, and I lose control for a few seconds. it doesn’t hurt, and sometimes I don’t even notice or remember it happening, but my family does. epilepsy in general runs in my family, and it can be triggered by a great deal of stress, lack of sleep, and of course flashing lights. in my case, I never “had” epilepsy or seizures until the “experience” I mentioned before, as it caused massive amounts of stress for about 2 years straight. it’s gotten better, as I now have medicine and am out of that situation, and I haven’t had a seizure since September, which is amazing and a huge blessing.

writing has helped with my depression and anxiety a lot, as I can write out what effects me the most. honestly, some of the characters are based off of myself (before vs after) and the person from the “experience.” this is just for therapeutic reasons, as I don’t really want to go to real therapy (I’d be too embarrassed to ask for it or talk to someone anyway, though I probably need to go eventually and plan to when I’m on my own). 

however, when I stopped posting it, I started feeling bad again. I didn’t think I needed to post my stories to feel better or to make a childhood dream into reality, but not posting it made me feel somehow worse. I’ve stopped writing as much, and I’ve lost motivation to do just about anything. I’m working on a couple things to help myself get out of this “funk,” but any tips would be greatly appreciated! 

this may seems stupid, but I’ve been depressed and very anxious about my schooling. I started in cyber security and got about halfway through, but I became depressed and had other issues so I didn’t finish the degree. now I’m starting in psychology, after praying for months and months for help with figuring out what to do for school. I finally got an answer, and that answer was to be a Christian counselor! I want to help as many people as I can, especially since I know how it feels to be anxious, depressed, and have PTSD. 

I’m dealing with a lot of changes right now, as I’m selling my first car, might have to move out of my first house/childhood home, and just a bunch of other stuff. this sounds trivial, but I hate change. it seriously stresses me out. my neurologist told me that if I have any more seizures, I won’t be able to drive for 6 months to a year to be safe (as I could have an “episode” as I call it while driving and hurt myself/others in a potential car accident). trust me, trying not to be stressed while being stressed, anxious, and depressed is not easy. 

on top of all that, my irl friends have all but abandoned me. I never hear from them (all but one, she’s the best!), and when I do they ignore me or pretend to listen when they obviously aren’t. I try to make plans with them, but they ignore me or just say “definitely!” but never try to set up times to hang out. It’s been almost two years since I’ve seen them all together. I was able to hang out with the friend I mentioned earlier to go to another friend’s recital, but that was it, and that was months ago. I totally get being busy, but I miss them and I don’t think they miss me, which really hurts. one friend ditched us on graduation day and we haven’t talked to her outside of “happy birthday,” or “@___ look at this thing I know you like,” which she never responded to. graduation was 4 years ago. I miss them all, even if they aren’t really my friends. I miss familiarity and their chaotic personalities. I’ve known them my entire life. honestly, I haven’t made any other friends irl, even though I’ve tried (I’m very introverted and a lot of people don’t get my humor/personality. I’m very much a mischievous old lady that uses weird wording (li.e. using uncommon words for my generation mixed with modern stuff, basically I sound like a vampire that’s been around since the 50s and mixes the eras together in some unholy mixture) at heart and I have very niche interests that I cling to like they’re my last hope). basically, making friends and meeting new people is hard for me for various reasons.

tumblr is different though, which I’m seriously grateful for! the people I’ve talked to are all so nice and really fun to talk to, and they’re part of why I’m posting this. @elvish-sky gave me the courage to post this and @hey-its-nonny and @padawansofthejediorder have been amazing and super nice to me, and I couldn’t be more grateful. the reason I’m posting this is to let them know what’s going on if I don’t respond to messages for a while, and to let them know what wonderful people they are and how much it means to me that they care about me, even if we’re just tumblr mutuals. I love you guys, thanks for being here! it means more than you know.

my mom and dad both had health scares recently, which made me spiral even more. I honestly don’t know what I would do if one of them died. they’re literally my world and my best friends, as ridiculous as that sounds. my mental health was so low I honestly thought I’d die too. they’re both fine now, which is truly a blessing and a massive relief. when I say I thought I’d die too, I don’t mean I wanted to commit suicide, but I honestly can’t imagine a world without my parents, especially my mom (hers was the main health scare, it was a case of reaction to a new medication for her migraines). we’re insanely close and she’s my best friend, as cheesy as that sounds. I don’t know what I would do without her. it’s making me teary just thinking about it. 

long story short, please be patient with me. I’m dealing with a lot right now, and I need some time to take a deep breath and focus on my mental health. if you have any suggestions/tips for dealing with depression, anxiety, and PTSD flashbacks, please let me know! 

for those I’ve tagged, you don’t have to reply or even read this whole thing if you want, I tagged you because I thought you’d like to know about this and/or I wanted to show my appreciation for your kindness!

I love you all, thanks for sticking around and listening to my rants. <3