#holy shit i am miserable rn

[luvssickk]

puke vid!! this was the second wave..i was literally in the middle of typing up the post for the first one before i got hit with that sick nausea again, my tummy started clenching and turning and i practically sprinted to the bathroom. at the beginning i literally say “oh god” as i fumble with the camera because i started puking again so suddenly. didn’t even get to finish cooking let alone have dinner >_<

i’ve puked several more times, both in the sink and into my lap because unfortunately i am also shitting my fucking brains out <///3

i feel soso sick rn like clammy cold and shaky, literally don’t even want to move with how gross im feeling. i will probably post the other vid tmr but rn i just feel too icky T^T i just wanna sleep,, im so fucking exhausted literally so sick and miserable rn. but yeah, enjoy!! :3

[byanyan]

so anyway, thanks for reading my little dissertations on byan's gender. sorry for not writing again today, i'm just. i'm fuckin goin through it rn man

[clowningcrows]

i fear i cannot mentally or emotionally handle being conscious much longer so im gonna take a melatonin and hope to god it works enough to make me pass out by 8:30 tbh

[boomerang109]

i came home, panicked about one thing, and my toilet was leaking. bathroom floor is covered in water and brown particles. oddly, this has not improved my mood

[lisa-grdjc]

NegaPosi Angler ep12 ramblings 🎣

(ofc it’s about takaaki again..what can i say. i love him so much.) i had always assumed that his little brother’s passing was due to his illness (hence why he was so adamant about hiro having to go to the hospital asap and stuff) but it’s so much worse and heartbreaking than i thought…

no wonder he hadn’t gone to visit his grave even once during those three years holy shit. i myself have a kid brother i care about a lot i can’t even fathom the immense guilt that must’ve been crushing him since… rewatching that scene from episode 10 right after hits different now i love inflicting pain upon myself

im placing takaaki breaking down in my top3 of things that caused me the most emotional anguish this year, and never before in my life have i been that desperate to reach out through my screen to hug and comfort a fictional character idc if i sound crazy i was literally whispering/yelling and begging for hiro to do something, anything. like, your friend is crying and looking like that right in front of you and you’re just. standing there, how. (tho i understand it now, this is hiro we’re talking abt, dude was a blubbering mess over a simple ‘thank you’ earlier and how he wasn’t used to saying alot of things and mayhaps it would’ve been ooc for him to physically comfort takaaki there. also he was pbly feeling awkward enough as it is and wanted to give him space but STILL. I WANTED THAT HUG. (fyi i am so writing a fic abt this later i could alr see it creating itself in my head while watching the scene like—)

i swear these VAs are so goated i can’t stress this enough—legit felt my heart twisting itself inside out hearing him sob im not strong enough for this

almost forgot to mention how frigging wholesome and funny the first half of the episode was; takaaki sulking and trying to give hiro the cold shoulder and failing miserably every time had me in stitches, like, c’mon. just admit it, dude you can’t even stay genuinely mad at him for more than two minutes straight you love him too much for that

this dumbass lmaooo (they are So cute)

even hiro finds it funny…

overall that first half was awesome as hell and the whole sequence of hiro catching his first big fish with takaaki’s help got me soooo happy and emotional i was so proud of him… he did it ;-;

also loooook it’s the lil girl and her mom from episode one,, she grew up🥹

and fuck, that ending… it got me crying real tears of joy,, i had a feeling we might get a timeskip and they absolutely delivered with it… ngl to me hiro started off as a okay-ish, almost annoying mc whom i didn’t think i’d even end up liking at the beginning, but here i am two months later weeping bc of his big, genuine grin as he reunites with his friends after years of medical treatment…

look at him!!! 2 years later and he’s all better now!! he gets to hang out with takaaki and the everymart gang and go fishing with them again!! this is everything i needed rly i couldn’t have asked for a more perfect and satisfying ending.. im gonna miss them all ofc but im so so happy rn

[vampiric-succulent]

OUAW EP 41:

Spoilers below cut

WHY. WHY THROW THEM INTO THE FROG. WHY WOULD YOU ASSUME THAT WAS A SAFE IDEA

LEAVE YOUR FUCKING HAT YOU MISERABLE REPTILE

This is the most grimfrost qpr solidifying moment for me it’s worrying but still—- GIDEON AND KREMY SHUT THE FUCK UP

How is this goddamn shadow so deadly to these idiots

Also Kremy having his “ive doomed everyone” panic moment is something I’m gonna file away to write about later

This episode started off so deceptively. So connivingly normal.

FUCK!!!! THE CANE

This is it this is how they die

I am so stressed rn holy fuck

DO NOT BREAK THE FROG IT MIGHT ALL DISSAPEAR

Can Torbek still use dimension door???????? How many people can he use that on at once??????????

Mace I love your commitment but please reroll

Bane coming kind of in clutch rn

I am literally pacing rn

Would Dimension Door even work because it’s technically infinite space oh my god

Wait wait wait what the fuck why is Kremy’s patronal image basically Gideon filing that away to write about later!!!!!!!!!

OH FUCK THEYRE IN THE ASTRAL PLANE

OH THANK GOD THERES A WAY OUT

Torbek’s gonna drop hes just gonna go unconscious

Y’all. Better party build. Someone multi class. PLEASE.

OH THANK FUCKING GOD shadows gone

Oh shit. Oh fuck. Oh no. Oh no no no Bavlorna knows.

TWIG

TWIG NO

SHES JUST LYING THERE

HER EYES ARE OPEN

“my veins are only but burning” goes so hard

Fuck she’s really dead. Fuck. Twig is dead.

One adventure. That’s all she got. Nearly.

Everyone’s reactions just making this worse

What did Torbek just see?!?!?!?!?

Holy fuck I’m going to implode

Also it’s so fucking cute and heartbreaking how Gricko sings to Torbek

Wow. Wow. Wow.

MACE

GUYS WHAT THE FUCK

You all were right.

I’m. I’m in shock. She’s dead. Everyone else nearly died. And now they might have to fight Bavlorna. Or worse— make a deal. So either they fight and die or they make a deal and lose some vital part of themselves or some core memory or the crucial time they need to complete the King of Hearts’ quest or some other such horrific thing.

Good session.

[cryptidfuckery]

Hey so you don’t have to reply to this but I’ve been having a career crisis lately and considering other vocational paths. One of these careers just so happens to be hair. I was wondering if you could tell me what made you want to become a hairdresser?

Ohhh this might get long but

First things first my mom is a hairdresser. Me becoming one wasn't a case of "I'm going to take over my mom's business" because she's been a sole proprietor booth renter for probably over 30 years now. She doesn't run a salon with other people under her, it's just her and her clients. If I worked under her I would have just been taking money our of her pocket.

But my mom being a hairdresser definitely influenced me! Getting to watch her work and own her own business my whole life helped me understand exactly what to expect out of the industry, and what I would have to do to be successful.

But me actually deciding to become a hairdresser started with me being absolutely miserable in my third semester of college. I loved studying sociology, but school and I don't mix well. I also realized that while I loved what I was studying, I didn't have any real interest in the professions usually associated with what I was majoring in. (Didn't want to do any kind of counseling, hate math so no stats work, research was the most enticing but too close to how school works and I Know would have been Miserable ultimately)

So one day being absolutely miserable and stressed around finals I sat myself down and forced myself to think about what the next 5-10 years would look like. I realized that if I stayed in college it would be to finish, find a job in my degree, then eventually when I have the time and money again I'd go to cosmetology school. (At the time I thought I was going to be a makeup artist. Holy shit fuck that noise. Not for me.)

And it just kind of clicked for me. Why am I spending all this money on a degree i (while I loved) did not really want? Especially when I could finish cosmetology school in under a year with less money than 2 semesters of college would be? Especially since you can start making money directly out of cosmetology school and continuously build after that as you gain more clients.

My final advice is this. There is a hairdresser for everyone and there are clients for every hairdresser. Genuinely the best thing you can do is be yourself and the right people will find you. And then they'll give your their friends, who like you too because you're their kind of people. And you get to choose absolutely what the fuck ever you want to specialize in. You can do exclusively color. Exclusively cuts. You can choose what style of cutting and coloring you want to learn from and you can completely switch that in the middle of your career. You can exclusively do texture treatments (perms, keratins, etc) if you're okay with so many chemicals in your body and bad smells! You can specialize in rat haircuts, which I honestly might try to do. (I have not done one yet. Someone let me do a rat haircut on them. Please. Rat haircut.) You can do everything! Also don't forget barbering!! Whole different school with different subsets and specializations, but many many cosmetologists cross over into both as well! I plan on eventually also acquiring a barbering license so I can truly be a one stop trans chop shop (mainly so I can offer my trans girlies clean shaves between electrolysis/Lazer appointments (iirc one can and cannot. I cannot be fucked to check rn)

So. Yeah. I think trades are absolutely the way to go right now in this economy. We provide services that everybody wants or needs, from hair to plumbing to carpentry to welding to auto mechanics to nail techs. There will always be a broken toilet, an oil change, a haircut needed.

Watch out for pandemics though. Woof.

[dirgeforworms]

OK SO kink event overall

The Ick:

Get kinkshamed within the first fifteen minutes by someone who was apparently deeply uncool with "that tactical shit" which they "guess some people are into." (Me, my voice high with offense and injury "YES. ME?") It's been a few weeks and yeah I'm still really upset by this? It sucked? It was mean. I have never been more aware that my tastes are niche until that very moment. tumblr, Twitter, thank you for not giving a fuck about military gear kink. Apparently this person were giving everyone a hard time that wasn't dressed in all-black "classic" BDSM fetish wear, which makes me feel a little better that it just wasn't me being targeted. Like, yes there was a dress code. The dress code said no jeans, I respect this. But the dress code also said uniforms were acceptable kinks wear and what is my fucking shit if not a uniform. What is my fucking shit if not elaborate genderfuckery. Like ok I don't know if you know this but I am not a military boy in real life. This is a kink thing.

Anyway ultimately I took off my pants (this was acceptable) and was roaming around in my jock strap so that was a thing. Ass out and packing all night and it was good.

The cops were out at the very end of the night and I had to put my pants back on, which was definitely some like, unprecedented levels of irony after needing to remove them to get in.

Everyone was kind of already paired up so there was really no pickup play. Someone else had waited in line for a few hours for something and ended up giving up. I was there just to watch so it wasn't a huge deal but it was definitely an issues for others.

It was sort of narrow "classic" BDSM stuff. I went with Pervert Chat (we will be using their scenes names, Bishop and Llewyn) and Bishop was vaguely disappointed by the lack of variety? Granted, all three of us are primarily online perverts so there's that.

SOMEONE BLED BLOOD AND WE MISSED IT.

The Yum:

Listening to someone get hit repeatedly is like, really soothing. Like you don't know how mesmerizing the sound of asscheeks being repeatedly slapped is until you just zone out watching someone get hit. It's great.

The classes were fucking awesome. I learned how to tie the world's most basic shibari on myself and it hit the same buttons as wearing a harness does so that was nice. I bought rope.

There were One Million attractive people there in various states of undress like wow I don't know about you but wow.

I ended up waiting in line to do some estim stuff and. Uh. Was glad my friend weren't there at that time because I was feeling some. Feelings. About being shocked. There was back arching involved and I think I said "holy shit" in a weird voice and I couldn't walk right afterwards. It was ultimately good and I'm glad I did it but hm. Hm hm. It sure was Sensation alright.

I had so many marks after being zapped (tools- dull knife, cattle prod, strings of beads ("jellyfish stings" via the person shocking me), and like a metal tinsel pompom thing) and it was nice to look at them for days but also the knife ones scabbed and got itchy, which was an unforseen but totally logical problem.

I met a nice pup who's staying in touch we chatted in line and held hands as emotional support during the estim since neither of us had done it before.

Me, sappily to a handsome cowboy drag king covered in butter who just sang a song about corn: "You were really cool <3" The Drag King: "Oh thanks!"

I need to meet up with the pup again but work is a fucking nightmare and I'm suffering from what I think is an eczema flareup so I'm mostly stressed and miserable rn and going out with a new person feels... Like something I don't want to do. But I should plan it at least.

Overall it was worth it I just wish that person wouldn't have immediately made me feel like a fucking interloper, especially since everyone else was really nice. I got to hang out with Llewyn and Bishop all day though. Bishop went home early bc he doesn't stay up past 9pm but Llewyn (who was really not interested in any of the kink his tastes are very narrow) was a great driver and was very patient when I stumbled off to the cuddle room with that pup and vanished for an hour. The cuddling was also really good. Turns out when someone kind of gently headlocks you into their chest it feels really nice.

[purple-babygirl]

Ummm,what the fuck was that ask that I just saw? That anon sounds like an insufferable bitch. Just say you're jealous,anon,holy shit. And it's none of your fucking business how this author writes or how much. NONE. She can write however she likes. And post as often or as rarely as she likes. It's no one's business but hers. You don't get to DEMAND or order people around to your likings just so you can feel better about your shitty self just because you're jealous and insecure. And I can promise you,none of us are expecting other writers to post every 2 days just because this writer does. Every writer is different. It's only you. This is how we lose good writers. People like that anon ruin good things for everybody,this is why we can't have nice things. Dear owner of this blog,please don't be deterred from miserable low life trolls like that anon. Please don't go. As you can see,most of us love your work and I'm just grateful that I get the chance to read your amazing writings at all. Thank you for working hard to put out these fics for us all to enjoy. They certainly made my days better.

And 7k for the next chapter of In The Far Corner of The Forest? Omg,yes please. I love your orc Bucky so much and the story as a whole and can't wait to what's in store next for Reader & Bucky! I hope Bucky wise up and admit he's fucked up really bad. And comfort her afterwards for accusing her & scaring her like that.

I can't believe you took time out of your day/night to send me support like this. I am literally crying rn. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for caring enough to stop your scrolling and drop this sweet ask in my inbox. I love and appreciate you so much and I don't want you to worry about me leaving any time soon. I've already spent 2 years away because of writers' block and the hateful anons but never again. Promise.

I'm so so thankful for your existence and I could've never wished for better people to share my thoughts and writings with💜💜💜Your kind opinions are all I care about now and you keep me going💜💜

Yessss. I honestly thought the 5th part would be the last but I had so many things to write so it got out of hand and now we have almost 7k words of feels:" I promise to do my best not to disappoint you with Bucky's apology💜

Thank you again for everything especially for existing💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜

[fappellmoan]

oh my god you know what i AM so glad im not attracted to men thank god im sick and tired holy shit. this was going to just be a stupid reactionary post on my silly little tumblr blog bc ive seen stupid posts like ':( maybe in another life i like men' and like we are NEVER getting out of here! and now i need to be like oh oop hangon everyone i for sure dont mean every man and also by the way i promise i am not trans exclusionary and also i really do promise i can wrap my brain around intersectionality in case you got a wild sense of ignorance from me saying im SICK AND FUCKING TIRED of everything being about men. you cant not think about them. ever. girls around you are going to base their entire personalities and identities and sense of self around attention and attraction to men and youre going to be made to feel rude if you dont go along with that being so #slay #girlboss #feminism. and honestly if we're fucking talking about it maybe i am glad not to deal with people who are socialized to think it's gay to care about hygiene and so dont wipe their asses or wash their hands maybe im simply so relieved to not have to deal with that and to have a partner that doesnt have to be taught to like and care about me and/or babied and mothered etc. jesus fucking christ holy shit. i want that for every woman but this is abt me rn and really many people whether they realize it or not ARE hostile to dykes!!!!!! and it sucks so incredibly hard to be around you!!!!! you people dont make a single effort to not talk about men or center every conversation around them, at best, and at worst, youre constantly fucking making lesbianism sound MISERABLE. it's not! it's really not. except well it is because everybody just cannot fucking exist without making it about a man or how they feel about not liking men or whatever goddamn tragedy idefk. this is clearly going to be nonsensical by the time i post it but holy fuck! shut the fuck up! the state of feminism rn is in genuine shambles ashes dust in the wind never coming back to save us.

[mayday-jd]

holy shit this movie was amazing.

welcome back to me watching all the trolls movies in (almost) one sitting with breaks in between to process the colorful trip I'm on rn

TROLLS 2 WAS VERY GOOD

from the great writing in the world building, themes and characters, designs and sound of the other trolls and generally this movie being short but fun makes it a blast to watch

so I'd give it a 9/10 which makes this the best trolls movie out of the whole trilogy

now onto my thoughts

—————

• so first off let's talk about my main man branch

did ever mention how I love this guy?? 😊

but what I love most is him in this movie because wow this man is head over heels for poppy lmao

and ofc there's some other stuff but let's talk broppy for a bit

so I already watched trolls 3 so ik how branch and poppy's relationship looks like in the future but this movie is also an important step in their relationship because there's a massive problem here :

poppy does not listen to anybody.

"I've always been by your side since the moment I've met you" - poppy (trolls 3)

while that is true here it's more like branch goes along with wtv poppy's doing because he's absolutely smitten and so he ends up doing all the listen and bending to what poppy wants while she doesn't give back any of that to branch or anyone else around her

one of the turning points for branch in the movie is after they go to the funk kingdom but the seeds to that change are planted when hickory tells branch that he's doing all the listening not poppy

so they argue and get separated until they reunite at the end of the movie

but that's more for when I talk about poppy and oh boy do I have some things to say. . .

I also like that, contrary to poppy's kind of judgy reaction to the other trolls, branch is all for the music trolls' lifestyles and music

it's shown more in the dance battle between the kpop and the reggaeton trolls but there's also a comment he makes when he hears the sad country song at lonesome flats

"It's kind of sad, but life is sad sometimes. So, I kind of like it."

meanwhile poppy immediately thinks that the country trolls are miserable and don't know how to have fun

but again that's for when I get into poppy's turn 😒

which speaking of.....

• I wanna say that I am by no means a poppy hater

that said this girl has been on my NERVES for the majority of this movie (WHICH IS A GOOD THING!!)

so when poppy gets told about the other trolls' existence by her dad she's excited to get them all tgt cuz she thinks barb genuinely wants to unite all trolls and not yk assimilate them or anything

so she sets off on a journey to meet barb, give her the pop string and have a massive party with all the trolls

but really she's not doing this just because of that no no no

poppy's insecure about being a bad queen

and makes it everyone's problem.

because when her, branch and biggie make it to symphonyville, the land of the classical trolls, they're told and literally see the carnage left by barb, poppy's quest changes

now she wants to save everybody and stop barb from turning everyone into rock trolls

because that's what a good queen would do right?? she'd get rid of the problem entirely instead of going back home and protecting her ppl who are literally under her care because that would be giving. up. 🙂

so let's not listen to biggie or branch who are telling her this is a terrible idea because that's simply not what poppy wants to hear since they're against her totally awesome plan

now let's talk about my favorite section of the movie

[raeyapper]

tortured poets department song opinions if you don't care then don't continue reading

Fortnight ft post malone

i like this song so much more then I thought I would

like it's actually so good

not how I expected "I love you it's ruining my life" to be used but by gods do I love it

Overall 8.3/10

The tortured poets department

Its really good

Unexpected name drop in like the first minute

Okay just drop the fucking f bomb go off taylor

Oh shit she actually name dropped jack antinoff(?)

Overall 6.9/10 (haha 6.9)

My boy only breaks his favorite toys

I was actually scared for this one

HOW DOES THIS SONG ONLY HAVE 5K LIKES

This song isn't what I expected but at the same time it is

I really like it. It's giving delulu.

It's stuck in my head now tho.

Overall 7.7/10

Down bad

unexpected but totally welcome

I think this is one of my favorites so far

Also another f bomb in the chorus holy shit taylor.

Very katniss and peeta coded

This whole album is unexpected

I expect folklore Evermore type album, but it's like synth

which is fine it's still great just unexpected

Overall 9.2/10

So long London

Track 5 wish me luck :)

I am OBSESSED (with your ex) with the call and answer in the beginning ahfjdhsjdhchfj

I will never be the same after this song

This has changed me forever

But I love it so

Overall 8.9/10

But Daddy I love him

This right here is fear

Side note: Thank God this draft saved

THIS IS THE BEST SONG ON THE ALBUM I LOVE IT SM

girl taylor you can't just say shit like that then go "no I'm not"

I feel like this whole songs reason for existence was to freak people the fuck out.

Like that one line "I'm having his baby no I'm not but you should see your faces"

Taylor was like "what if I pranked their asses?"

But still my favorite so far

Overall 9.5/10

Fresh out the slammer

it was really good I liked it. Not as much as the others but I did like it.

Also why did the beat randomly change near the end. I'm not crazy that happened right?

Also that beat change was kinda giving reputation soooo

Overall 7.0/10

Florida!!! Ft Florence +the machine

I don't really know if I love it or like it yet

Its either gonna be one of my favorites or I will only listen to it once or twice.

But I will say Florence's voice is heavenly

Also f bomb number 3 taylor.

Overall either 6.3/10 or 8.4/10

Who's afraid of little old me? (I am. I'm afraid)

THIS THIS IS WHAT I THOUGHT THE WHOLE ALBUM WOULD BE

I LOVE THIS ONE ITS MY FAVORITE PERIOD DONE THATS IT.

Hfjchdjdbfjfjd holy shit I am in love with you taylor swift

Overall 10.5/10 exquisite

I can fix him (no really I can)

AGAIN THE FOLKLORE EVERMORE VIBES IS WHAT I EXPECTED

this song is better than I thought and I love it oh so much

I envisioned mist or fog for this song idk why

It just has misty vibes

Still I love this song soo much

Overall 10.8/10 (they are just gonna keep going up I think)

loml

loss of my life at the end 😭😭😭

Literally the saddest song on the album

I love it sooooo much though

I just realized I think I forgot guilty as sin? Oops

Still 10/10 song

Overall 11/10

Guilty as sin?

I predicted that this song would be my favorite and it might be if I listen to it more but rn it isn't

It is the most relatable tho.

Am j allowed to cry apparently not.

I do really like this song tho

Overall 9.8/10

I can do it with a broken heart

I have 2 thoughts

1 this song is so relatable its funny

"I'm so miserable and nobody even knows"

This whole song is just like:

✨✨️✨️✨️ I'm super depressed ✨ ✨️✨️✨️

And she's so real for that

But thought 2

This song is so sad and now every time I watch the eras tour I will think of "the crowd keeps chanting more"

Overall 12/10

The smallest man who ever lived

H my God this is like literally a diss track

Like dam taylor he's already dead.

The bridge >>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I was like "OH YEAH HERE WE GO" when that bridge started.

Overall 7.3/10

The alchemy

not what I expected

Definitely my least favorite

I don't know why but I don't like this one as much as the other ones

Overall 5.9/10

Clara Bow (again we are afraid)

this one was really nice

I like the message of like hey there were people before me and there will be people after me

Ya know like everyone is like omg your the next taylor swift

I like that she's addressing that.

Overall 9.8/10

Okay that's it I did the whole album. I will do the other bonus(???) Tracks later cause Jesus christ there is a lot of them. But thanks for reading my shit opinions on @taylorswift and the new album.

[soudakuwunmoment]

expressing my take on dream is how i finally get cancelled but tbh im ready.

so i just watched the moistcritical video on whatever bullshit happened on twitter regarding him.

i wanna establish that im not exactly a dream fan. i dont watch videos of his or really anyone from that part of youtube. i dont think hes that great of a person necessarily.

also, i want to establish that i am an idiot 18yo boy. ight? im not some kind of expert on this shit. its literally just my take. its an opinion. and im putting it on the internet. as people tend to do.

okay. recap. dream allegedly sent snapchat videos of him moaning to a minor. there is zero proof that the video was from him, and zero proof that it was sent to a minor. then the fight between dream and gumballva. oh my god. guys. god i cant even with this bit. alright alright ill get to it

im gonna completely fuckin disregard the snapchat thing. theres absolutely no proof. innocent until proven guilty, as it goes.

about the fight between dream and gbva. holy shit stop taking sides. both of these men are immature man babies whos fame got to their head. "it was a physical fight!!!!!!" believe it or not, drunk slapfights happen sometimes. just because the fight was between two famous guys doesnt make it any more important or significant.

gbva was referring to himself as Michelangelo. he was saying how dream is "miniscule compared to him" like the worlds most pathetic dick measuring competition. he mentioned his "intellectual stature" guys. my friend told me about how the gumball va TOTALLY BURNED DREAM and DESTROYED HIM so i had high expectations. but no. the guys just stroking his own ego and shittalking some other guy, and people are hype about it because the other guy is dream and OOOOOOO DREAM BAD GUYS.... and because gumball is pretty well loved as a show. he called dream a slur. like on one hand, it is INSANE to me that a famous guy called someone a slur and twitter cheered. on the other hand its actually not that big a deal. yes, slurs and homophobia are a big deal. but let me reiterate that this is literally just two drunk dudes trying to roast each other and failing miserably. a slur isnt going to end the world. like it isnt cool that he said it, he shouldnt have said it, but honestly what the fuck ever. people are being killed in mass rn and this is what we're arguing about and im part of the problem so WAHOO.

and then theres the fact that dream recorded it. guys its not that fucking weird. im sorry to burst your bubble but recording arguments or recording when someone is aggressive towards you isnt abnormal. was it a little bit dramatic and incredibly childish to post it on twitter? yeah!!! duh!!! this is dream we're talking about. dramatic. childish. but the thing is, and hear me out, hes allowed to do that. insane as it may be, humans are allowed to be dramatic and childish. humans are allowed to brag about their "intellectual stature" in a cab after a night out. humans are allowed to be flawed. no, i dont think he was recording it due to feeling unsafe. i do in fact believe he was recording it to start drama. i believe whole heartedly that dream recorded the argument hoping his teenaged fanbase would run to his rescue. and you know what? who gives a shit!! are you actually surprised? are you REALLY? because dream very obviously has something wrong in his head. im not saying that the shit he does is okay because of it. but i want everyone reading this right now to imagine how you would realistically cope if you suddenly became famous during the fucking plague at the ripe ass age of 21 in the span of a month and then spent the next 3 years being either worshipped by children in mass or brutally harassed by literally the entire world. because believe it or not, 21 year olds are immature and are not normally equipped to deal with a situation like that. its entirely possible that dream already had issues, and its also entirely possible that he FORMED issues in the past 3 years due to the intense stress of his situation. dream is fucked up. dream has issues.

but listen to me. as far as we know, dream is not a pedophile or a murderer or a racist or a homophobe or any of that shit. sure, hes awful at babysitting each and every one of his bajillion preteen fans, but thats kinda not his fucking responsibility??? if a kid is going around doing awful shit in the name of some guy, blame the kids parents. its their job to teach their kid how to act online and around other people. and sure, dream is very very likely a narcissist and seems to be incapable of criticism and needs attention constantly or else he keels over like a scared gerbil and dies. hes kind of a shitty fuckin guy!! BUT GUESS. WHAT. so is like 70% of the population!!!! most of us are fucking awful!!

i know i cant change shit, i know id get bodied by even a single dream anti. i just wish people would stop giving him attention, leave him the fuck alone, and let him get therapy or spend a year in the woods or smoke some fucking weed idk.

seeing the reaction people have to literally just some schmuck makes me TERRIFIED of putting myself out there. can we all just accept that everyone is flawed and sometimes good people have shitty takes or do shitty things. if you had the same exposure to the world that dream did, how quickly would YOU get cancelled? im just. im fucking begging you to look at this guy (and other equally underwhelming schmucks) with a critical mind and context to why you may see them the way you do.

im not tagging this shit i dont hate myself that much. i dont mind if no one reads this i just wanna rant. just leave the guy be.

[bucketofchum]

oh my godd poor Atumu..... poor baby ahh

-shy anon

Yeh the part I didn't write about (the roughly TWO years he spends bed bound and restrained, starved and dehydrated and neglected, while not knowing why or what was going on - if he did anything wrong/what he did to deserve this) were literally some of the worst thing moments of Atumu's life. It was SUCH a bad time not just for physical deterioration reasons but also bc of the mental anguish of "why is this happening? What did I do?"

It's so so so fucking miserable.

In the end, it was actually a moment when King was high (sometimes King uses opium to cope with life), and stumbles into Anhar's room and talks to Atumu/Anhar that Atumu is roused out of his comatose state. The really really tragic thing is that he would have been responsive if anyone actually engaged with him. But no one did. Radu and Dani would be the only ones who drip honey water into his mouth, or give him sugar water enemas just to make sure his body was absorbing some water and nutrients. But besides those rare minutes in the day, he had absolutely no interaction with anyone while literally being bound on the bed. If King had come in to talk to him at any point in those many many months, Atumu would have been responsive. But he didn't.

So it was only when King was high out of his mind and goes into the room and rambles, speech slurred, to Anhar that Atumu becomes responsive. He asks for forgiveness. Then he asks for death.

So King is like sloppily making out with barely lucid Atumu, and Atumu is kissing back hard, but just cuz he's so fucking dehydrated that his throat just tastes like metallic blood and King's saliva is just about the only moisture he has gotten all day. King is too high out of his mind to realise that Atumu is actually awake and conscious, and definitely too delirious to understand what's going on and to give Atumu actual water 😭😭😭

So they have a sloppy make out session but it's just King being high and Atumu being so fucking dehydrated. And when Atumu can finally speak, his first words are an apology. "I'm sorry, Master. Whatever I have done, I am sorry." He doesn't know what he has done to deserve this fate, but he knows he must have done something. It's all he can think about, when he can think. King is still way too high to understand what's going on. Doesn't realise these are the first words that Atumu has uttered in almost a year. He just slurs a "Hmmm? Whuh--"

"I understand that I have failed you. You are in good hands with Danica and Radu. If you have no further use for me, I ask that you end my life." And King is still too high out of his mind and just falls asleep on Atumu. Atumu would cry if he had any moisture to spare. He also just like...he doesn't even know if he's still alive. Atumu also goes to sleep again after that bc he basically thinks he is dead.

The next day, King wakes up and is like..?? Oh boy wow that was embarrassing. He wakes up in the arms of his comatose captive slave, who resembles his most beloved life companion, after getting absolutely wasted on opium. How embarrassing. It's not a record low, but still bad enough that he would rather not talk about it. He mutters a soft apology to Anhar just out of reflex of politeness, and here is where Atumu actually responds.

Oh my god wait I just realized it gets so much worse before it gets better holy shit I'm about to break my own heart fuck.

Okay so Atumu responds, but just a soft exhale, mouthing "Master". And that's more movement than King has ever seen from Anhar in the past year or so. So he frantically grabs water to give to Atumu. He has to drip water into Atumu's mouth with his fingers first before Atumu can even properly drink. Atumu downs several glasses easily, but King stops because too much water too fast is also not good.

Okay so uhhhh-- I'm gonna fast forward through this bc it is still too heart breaking for me to deal with rn but I'll post about it later maybe. But uhhh. Okay so Atumu and King actually have a moment to talk. Like for real. Atumu again asks for forgiveness and death. King is entirely confused. He has never heard Anhar speak to him with such reverence. King is the only thing that matters to Atumu in his life, so if King does not want him around anymore - does not need him - he has no reason to continue to be alive. King is honestly confused by all of this.

Then uhhh the beginning of the end. Atumu calls him by his real name, which I won't write here just out of respect for King. King freezes. His mind reels. His body immediately goes into a panic attack. There is only one human being - only one BEING in existence, that he can recall telling his real name to, besides his family. And that was Atumu. King just experiences a whole array of traumatic flashbacks, reliving the pain of losing Atumu, of losing their daughter. Centuries of mourning. He staggers backwards and collapses, heaving from the panic attack.

Atumu is still bed bound at this time. Not only bed bound but literally BOUND TO THE BED. his wrists are bound to each headboard post and his ankles to the end posts of the bed. His body has been bound in this position for months. His limbs, tendons, ligaments, muscles, are dehydrated like beef jerky. But hearing his Master wheezing, sobbing, crying, screaming, wailing, calling out his name - "Atumu" - Atumu fights to move for the first time. He needs to be there for his Master.

King is knelt on the floor, wailing and gasping, trapped in his own memories. The door is locked, so even though Dani and Radu can hear their Master, they can't get in. They desperately search for the skeleton key.

Atumu screams as he rips his arms from the bedposts. The ligaments in his shoulders and elbows tear horribly. But Atumu has tremendous strength when he needs to have it, and hearing his Master in pain like this necessitates this. He pulls his arms with such force that it breaks the wooden bed posts - the rope still tied around each post, and the other end of the ropes still tied around his wrists. Neither of his arms are functional anymore - dislocated either at the shoulders or at the elbows from this horrible action. They hang limply at his side as he throws his body on the ground, crawling like a worm towards his still sobbing Master. The wooden bedposts dragging behind him.

He has no use of his arms, so he can't prop himself up. But when he reaches King, he presses his face into King's lap and whispers "Master, I'm here. I'm here, Master" in response to King wailing his name. King grabs onto Atumu and cradles his head, sobbing still. King is still fully lost in his memories, in his mind. He is not at all present, but having something to hold onto, hearing Atumu's voice, seems to help a bit.

By now, Radu has found the skeleton key, and manages to open the locked door. Radu and Danica see a horrifying scene. Their Master, in horrendous distress, and Anhar - their prisoner ward who had tried to kill them some months ago - escaped from his bindings? The splintered wood of the bed posts still on the ground. The only conclusion they could make was that Anhar had escaped from his bindings and made another attempt on King's life.

They grab their Master to help him out of the room and lock the door behind them.

The next few days are spent with Dani and Radu taking care of King, making sure he is healthy and mentally okay again. Having recovered from his opium bender and emotional breakdown, he has had a bit more time to reflect. But he has work to do, so he plungez himself back into his work. Still, he thinks about that last interaction he had with Anhar. Was it a dream?

Meanwhile, back with Atumu, it gets worse. For three days, he is left on the ground, arms all but shattered from ripping them off the bedpost. No one came to check on him in those 3 days, so he falls back into the comatose state. It's to preserve the energy he doesn't have. His organs are failing and he needs to go into the comatose state to survive. After 3 days, by King's orders, Radu and Danica put him back into bed, tie him up again, and continue caring for him in the bare minimum way that they had before. More time (weeks? months?) elapse while King is on his work trips. Atumu's condition worsens.

Finally, King returns from his work trip. He can't stop thinking about what happened that day. Was it a dream? He knows he was high, so he can't trust himself. But he needs to find out for himself.

Against Radu's warnings, King goes to seek out Anhar again. The boy is so skeletal. Just a pile of bones, barely visible on the bed, arms strung up again. It's such a sad pathetic sight. He feels so bad, partially responsible for Anhar's sad state. He speaks softly to Anhar, which rouses Atumu. Atumu gasps a breath of life when he comes back into consciousness. He tries to whisper another apology.

King has come prepared this time. Prepared with water and honey for Anhar, and prepared with questions. Mostly, he is mentally prepared. Not sure what the answers will be.

"When we last spoke, you called me a name...what was it?"

"I... apologize if I am not permitted to utter your name, Master--" Atumu quickly whispers. His entire body is in so much pain and he wants only death. He is so so so sorry.

"What was the name you said? I have only told this name to one person."

"Was he not I, Master?" Atumu is beginning to doubt himself. It couldn't be him...could it be him? He's only a slave...maybe he is mistaken. His memory seems to have a lot of holes now anyway...

"What was the name, Anhar?" King insists.

"Master *****..." Atumu whispers almost inaudibly, and winces in fear that speaking this name will call upon an sort of punishment. But no punishment comes.

"Where did you hear of this name?" This time King is calm in hearing his name. He is prepared.

"I...I don't... remember..." Atumu is speaking the truth. He doesn't know. He doesn't remember.

In fact, King had told Atumu his real name after their daughter died. It was a heart wrenchingly tragic moment, and he wanted his most beloved companion to know his true name. So that at least one other being in this world would know him.

"What do you remember?"

Atumu remembers...his head hurting. He remembers waking up, as if from a long sleep. Not knowing what was going on. He remembers the attack -- they were under attack. He remembers feeling a hot knife slash his throat -- but King was hurt too. He remembers trying to save King's life. (He would never have thought it was King who slit his throat. He knows his Master would never hurt him. The only logical conclusion he could come to was that they were both under attack). And then he couldn't remember much else. He remembered the servants, Danica and Radu. They are humans. They are looking out for King. He knows he can trust them to take care of King...if he is no longer needed...

Slowly now, King asks... hesitantly... "What is your name?"

"My name is Atumu, Master..." he speaks slowly and deliberately at first...but then interrupts himself quickly, as he has noticed his Master and Radu and Danica using another name with him. "B-but if you should wish my name to be otherwise, I shall know no other name."

King's eyes widen. If he wasn't wearing a veil over his face, Atumu would see his eyes watering. "Atumu....how can this be? You were dead, Atumu. I killed you."

"I am not, Master. As you can see, I am alive and well." (Well, not "well"). "And I know that is not true, Master. You would never hurt me."

"It was an accident...I killed you... I carried your body....for years... I have lived lifetimes without you. I have lived half a millennia in your absence."

Atumu doesn't know what to say in response. He doesn't know any of this. He doesn't remember. He doesn't remember much of anything. He doesn't know what is true and what was a dream. He has no details of any previous life he had lived. "Well, I am here now, Master...in your service....if you will still have me..."

King chokes out a laugh through his tears. "Oh, Atumu, you really are as wonderful as I remember you to be."

And then they make plans for him to get better, etc, and then fun shit happens, yadda yadda yadda

I said I wouldn't get into the details, but I got all caught up with myself and this is one of the most heart wrenching moments and ahhh

Sorry again for the text dump ahhhhhh good bye

[officialgleamstar]

i can really see your passion for it and i am smiling so hard at it!!! i dont have much experience with book binding--i did ir once for a school project, that's all really--but i absolutely adore the idea of printing and binding fanfics that sounds sooo cute and fun and then you have a physical copy of a fanfic to read i love that

BOOK BINDING IS SO COOL AND I NEED TO MAKE IT EVERYBODYS PROBLEM. ive always found book-binding cool but like. concentrating in book arts made me MISERABLE to be around HJKFDHKGJFDHK my irl friends always make fun of me because i mention books so much but BINDING SO COOL!!! like holy shit. please go look up america: a hymnal by bethany collins RIGHT !! NOW !!! (and if you live in massachusetts - its actually ON DISPLAY RN in the pem (peabody essex museum) ahahaha go check it out, you know you want to, cmooon its so worth it-)

but like . i got to look at that book very up close and personal because we were visiting the pem's archival library, the phillips library - realized i shouldve clarified on my last ask lol sorry - and its AMAZING. i LOOOVE ephemeral pieces, and using the fragile nature of the book as a metaphor for america and its relationship to freedom and equality? HOLY SHIT. SO SO SO COOL BETHANY COLLINS IS A GENIUS. i am genuinely sad that most people will only ever see it behind a case because it is so so different when you see it falling apart in front of you. i am so fuckin obsessed with this piece, i think about it on a weekly basis and then i cry because i wanna be up close and personal with it AGAIN!!! my dream is shaking bethany collins' hand and telling her she changed my life

once again i am talking about anything but fan binding SORRY COOKIE . I AM INTERESTED IN FANBINDING I PROMISE I JUST. i come at book arts from a very artistic standpoint due to my academic experience, while fan binding is something ive always watched from a distance? so its easier for me to talk about artist books i like HJKDGHJKFDHK but! but!!! it is SO cool to imagine having a PHYSICAL COPY OF YOUR FAVORITE FANFIC ... i really wanna get into fan binding so i can make a collection of my favorite oneshots :] i wanna start with just a few fics tho, probably like. 1k to 3k? so i can get the hang of laying them out (i WILL be laying these things out in indesign. you cannot MAKE me print a book in ao3 format absolutely not they need to be perfect HDKFJGHJKDFH) and how they look while printed, etc. then from there, i can move onto the full collection, and use a nice bookboard to keep it sturdy, and use fancy paper for the inner cover- itll be SO NICE im so excited just thinking about it!!!

[4uru]

(Tw: Vent post)

I went thru some of my worst depressive, suicidal, self hating episodes during quarentine. Teenage angst fuelled to the max by gender dysphoria, internalized homophobia and transphobia. In 2020 baby me wrote several letters addressed to future me, telling me to kill myself . I will be 16 soon, those letters were addressed to me. I know if anyone reading this who is an adult feels like this is just a kid complaning. And ur not wrong.

This is probably not even thing i will ever face in my life. And that thought scares me.

I was a different, very miserable, angry and tiny person in quarentine, i was brimming with hate and sadness, i had no friends. I was a kid who was stuck in a house 24/7 with my (suddenly) religious mother who i stupidly came out to, my parents werent even a little bit supportive back then, they thought i was fetishizing being LGBTQ my dad thought i wanted to be trans and gay to be different. (Lets not even open that can of worms)

What im trying to say is, it took alot of work to get where i am this year. I tried hard "loving myself", i worked hard to look at myself and not see a complete fucking monster. I tried very hard to believe in a future.

But all my work is down the drain bc of this fucking system. I dont want a future anymore. I am fucking done hearing critism from the generation who had adequate study plans. Who didnt have the life drained out of them everyday. My parents talk so brazenly about my generation about our studies like its the same. 30 years ago the Curriculum was in their favor, now its evil and twisted and i dont want to go through wjth it.

I legit fantasize suicide just to avoid dealing with it. Everytime i go to school or coaching all i hear are different voices telling me how much hard work i have to do to pass SSC, then get into a good college, then HSC, then University etc etc etc.

I tried to look forward to a future, i forced myself to imagine a life for myself, i swear i tried. I just dont want to anymore, i told myself i want to be an animator, or just work in an artistic field,

I dont want a future anymore, i cant keep going on, its fucking exhausting, i dont want anything from my life. I have nothing to look forward to, everytime i try its always an exam to prove to people that im worthy of existing. Every fucking time.

It never ends, it wont ever end, i will just be wrung out and burnt out of everything i ever cared about. I cant go on a day without being berated and if i do, i cant go on with out feeling guilty for using my free time to be at peace. They hardwired my brain to hate myself then they yell at me for it

I dont know if ppl know how easy its for me to be desensitized to death, i have no qualms about it, i didnt literally since the day i turned 8. I have read ppl saying ppl sho commit suicide are cowards, and i remember feeling worse about it. Bc somewhere deep down i do feel like a fucking coward and a quitter.

But i genuinly dont care anymore, i cant keep doing this, i dont think i am strong enough. My friends talk about how i have a clear cut future with my art and stuff. But holy shit no i dont, i dont think i will live to see 18. I dont want to live to see 18. I dont want to keep doing this.

Sometimes i wish i was religious so i would have someone to pray to, to believe in, but i dont. I never did, i could never believe in someone. I wish i did rn bc maybe that can be my salvation. But its not.

I just cant anymore with this shit, yaar. I feel like i am going to shatter like glass if i even move.

I dont think ppl know how much their tiny jabs build up on my skin to become a large gaping wound that i just cant stitch back up.

I sometimes think that, if i do it, if i do kill myself, they are just going to blame it on social media and other teenage angst bullshit.

I dont want to live like this, i dont want to prove my existence. Kill me, i will accept it, just let me go.

It hurts so much to go on with life knowing my inevitable failure. And even if i dont fail, if i somehow by some miracle get to college, the cycle will start again, in every step of life theres some new competition i have to win to have the right to exist in society.

I dont know whats the point anymore its all the same shit in repeat. "OH but life has so much to offer" no thank you, i will take the receit and see myself out. If you say its about ppl? Family? Friends? Desi parents of queer children are hardly the point of life, and friends? What friends? The person who came to school and told me that she dreamt of dieing and was disappointed when she woke up?.

The people who to my face said they tolarate my existence?

"It doesn't matter what you think" it matters when i spend 5 days a week 6 hours a day with these sons of bitches.

I just fucking cant anymore, bro.

And i dont think i deserve to die, i dont hate myself that much anymore. But its so exhausting. Before i used to look for painless deaths, just quite and painless. Now i dont even care about that, make it quick, get me out of here, i dont care how much blood and gore i will turn into just let me leave.