Can we hear about the day Lazard snapped from the firsts shenanigans?
The Day Lazard Finally Snapped
• It all starts when Angeal and Sephiroth are passing through the Skyview Hall when they spot Reeve with a baby in a holder strapped to his chest.
Angeal: Hey Reeve! I didn't know you had a child.
Reeve: I don't. This is my assistant's baby. I allow her to bring him in on occasion since childcare is hard to find. She asked me to watch him while she's in a meeting, but⏤
Sephiroth: What kind of mother abandons her child?
Reeve: ⏤but I have to meet with the editor of Architecture Weekly in ten minutes.
Sephiroth: What kind of mother abandons her child with a strange man who works for Shinra?
Angeal: I'm sorry to hear that, director.
Reeve: Wait, could you two watch him? It'll only be for an hour.
Angeal: I don't think⏤
*Reeve hands the child to Angeal, who is now sweating bullets*
Reeve: Great, thanks! By the way, I'm supposed to be locating some materia that went missing from the inventory this morning. Do you mind finding them for me? Here's the list.
*Reeve hands Angeal the list, Angeal hands the baby to Sephiroth, who holds it like a bomb with his arms outstretched*
Angeal: Reeve, I really don't think we⏤
Reeve: Great! See 'ya!
• Reeve literally sprints away. Angeal looks back at Sephiroth, who has now strapped the baby to the carrier on his chest. Angeal looks down at the list.
Angeal: Three Ifrit summons, sixteen fire materia, nine ice materia, thirty chocobo lures, four petrify materia, and seventeen lightning materia.
Sephiroth: The baby is crying because it wants its mother. I feel a strange kinship with this child.
Angeal: Why would someone need thirty chocobo lures??
Sephiroth: There, there. Don't cry because your mother abandoned you, rejoice because your father isn't Professor Hojo.
*Angeal grows exasperated and turns to Sephiroth*
Angeal: Seph, it's hungry. We need to feed it.
Sephiroth: Where will we find someone with functioning mammary glands on such short notice?
Angeal: FORMULA. GET THE FORMULA IN THE BABY BAG.
*The baby cries more, Sephiroth holds it closer to him*
Sephiroth: You're upsetting our child.
Angeal: IT'S NOT OUR⏤*Angeal takes a deep breath*⏤It's not our child, give it the baby formula, and let's go. We still need to find the culprit behind the stolen materia.
Sephiroth: Do you mind if we stop by Professor Hojo's lab first? I want to show him what competent fathership looks like.
Angeal: No. And you're acting insane. Here, give me the baby.
Sephiroth: I have only had this child for three minutes, but if anyone tries to hurt it or take it away I will kill everyone here.
Angeal: When this is all over, I'm signing you up for art therapy and getting you a cat.
• Lazard is away on a business trip and has left Genesis in charge. He's supposed to be getting work done, but instead he's sitting in Lazard's office with his feet up, reading a romance novel.
Genesis: I don't understand why Lazard complains all the time. This is the easiest position in this company.
•There's a violent crash right outside the office, followed by Zack's voice going "Wow! I didn't know the ceiling was that easy to break."
*Genesis gets up at the speed of light. He runs out and sees Zack and Cloud with tennis rackets*
Genesis: What are you doing? I thought I sent you far away on a mission to Cosmo Canyon.
Zack: We got back early! And since Angeal's busy there's no point in training. Plus, my mission report can wait until Lazard's back.
Genesis: And what's Strife doing here? Last I recall this is the SOLDIER floor, not the Infantrymen Who Look Like Baby Chocobos floor.
Cloud: Could've fooled me. I saw you and thought this was the Sephiroth Is Better Than Me So I Take It Out On Bad Poetry floor.
Genesis: Listen here⏤
*Zack jumps between them*
Zack: We were just playing some tennis! Where's the harm in that?
Genesis:
Genesis: Zack where's the ceiling
*They look up and six ceiling panels are missing*
Zack: We're playing pro tennis.
Genesis: Goddess.
Cloud: But we lost all of our balls and now we can't play anymore.
Genesis: Hm. Have you tried substituting them with something else?
Cloud: Like what?
Genesis: Materia are round and large enough to work.
Zack: Good idea, but we don't have any to spare.
Genesis: I have some.
*Genesis pulls a key out of his pocket, walks across the hall, and unlocks a supply closet where he pulls out a crate full of materia*
Zack: Woah! How many do you have in there?
Genesis: Three Ifrit summons, sixteen fire materia, nine ice materia, thirty chocobo lures, four petrify materia, and seventeen lightning materia.
Cloud: Why does the box say Property Of Shinra Electric Power Company? Wait, did you steal this??
Genesis: There is no such thing as stealing if your victim stole it from the planet.
Zack: Why thirty chocobo lures??
Genesis: Do not presume to question my actions.
• Sephiroth and Angeal have no leads on the missing materia, so they decide to go ask the turks for any information they have. They walk into a conference room where Tseng and Rufus are talking.
Tseng: WHY do you have a baby??
Sephiroth: Two men cannot raise a child without being criticized.
Angeal: We're babysitting.
Rufus: How may we help you?
Angeal: A crate of materia went missing from the inventory. Reeve asked us to locate it. Any chance you have an idea where it went?
Rufus: We were just going over the security footage, actually. A stunning, beautiful woman was seen entering and leaving with the stolen materia.
Tseng: Come take a look.
*They walk over and watch the security footage*
Sephiroth:
Angeal:
Angeal: That's GENESIS.
Tseng: Impossible. I had no idea Rhapsodos was a master of disguise.
Sephiroth: He's not even in disguise. He wore that dress to a Loveless performance yesterday. *said while he rocks the baby to sleep*
Rufus: Sephiroth, would you mind accompanying me to meet my father? I'd like to show him what adequate fathership looks like.
Sephiroth: Gladly.
Angeal: *exasperated* We'll get the materia back from Genesis, don't worry. There's no need to get involved, and we'll make him promise not to do it again.
Tseng: Actually, the issue is much more annoying. You see, the crate he stole contained faulty materia. We're not sure they even work, but if they do there might be some...explosive consequences.
Angeal: Don't worry, knowing Genesis, he's hording the materia somewhere until the search dies down and hasn't actually used it yet.
*The baby hasn't fallen asleep and is wide awake*
Sephiroth: Of course, how could I be so foolish? The baby needs to be tired out through playtime and proper enrichment first.
*Rufus takes a box of ammunition from his coat pocket and uses it as a rattle. The baby laughs*
Tseng: Sir, I don't think that's an appropriate toy for a baby.
Sephiroth: Nonsense. I had that toy when I was younger and I turned out fine.
Angeal: No the fuck you did not.
• Zack and Cloud's tennis match with materia is going smoothly. Genesis has made himself the umpire and is officiating the match. They're in Lazard's office so no one catches them slacking off.
*Cloud hurles a fire materia toward Zack at top speed. Zack shrieks and ducks*
Genesis: Five love.
Zack: No fair! He's just aiming it right at me!
Cloud: Because you're my opponent. That's how tennis works.
*Cloud sends another chocobo lure Zack's way that hits him right in the face*
Genesis: Six love.
Zack: WE GET IT, YOU'RE OBSESSED WITH LOVELESS. SHUT UP.
Genesis: ......
Cloud: I really need to get back and start getting ready for patrol tonight.
Zack: Nooo, come on! Just one more try! I'll beat you, you just watch.
• Cloud sighs and readies himself. Zack grabs a lightning materia and serves. Cloud hits the materia when it reaches him. Except this time it fuses with the tennis racket and starts hissing and billowing smoke. Cloud panics and lets the tennis racket drop. It starts glowing and vibrating.
• All of the littered materia on the office floor start emitting the same low whistle and vibrating, all at once.
• Genesis senses the incoming explosion. He grabs Zack and Cloud and dives under the desk.
• Lazard comes back from his business trip early. He's in the elevator thinking about the decision to leave Genesis in charge. He had initially meant to bequeath Sephiroth the responsibility, but felt for Genesis. They're always placing him second next to Sephiroth, constantly berating and expecting the worst from him.
• He thinks it's unfair. Genesis is one of the most competent SOLDIERs in the program. He's hardworking, responsible and authoritive. There's no doubt in Lazard's mind that everything is running smoothly in his absence.
*Lazard opens his office door*
• The three Ifrit summons went off and are raging, smashing the walls and ceilin. The fire materia also went off and now everything is on fire. It's shooting fire balls and one of them burned the office door clean off, shattering the glass. The ice materia has caused a raging blizzard inside the office and everything that isn't on fire is freezing over. The lightning materia is causing firework-like explosions to go off.
• Lazard stands there for a good five minutes, petrified (literally) (the petrify materia hit him)
• Once the last blast of lightning goes off and things seem to have quieted down, Genesis, Zack and Cloud poke their heads up from under the desk.
Zack: Hey, director! We didn't expect you back so early!
Cloud: How was the business trip? Have fun?
Genesis: My, my, director, that suit makes you look dashing. Have you done something to your hair?
• It's a poor choice of words because half of Lazard's hair is on fire.
*Angeal runs in*
Angeal: Genesis, you crook. Did you use Lazard's access card to steal all that materia?? Do you know how mad he's going to be when he finds out? He's already in trouble with upper management because he left you in charge.
*Zack points to Lazard in the corner, Angeal turns around*
Angeal: Oh. Oh no.
• And then the chocobo lures go off. Thirty grown chocobos come speeding into the office, two of them knocking Lazard to the ground.
• And then, as if things couldn't possibly get any worse, Sephiroth runs in with the baby.
Sephiroth: Angeal, how dare you abandon me and our child??
Angeal: Oh my god.
• The Firsts and Zack are sitting in the briefing room when Tseng walks in.
Tseng: Good morning. As you all know, Lazard has taken a medical leave. I'll be taking his place while he's away.
Genesis: How is he? I tried to visit him in the hospital yesterday, but apparently the mere mention of my name sent him into another cardiac arrest.
Tseng: He's sedated and fine. Don't feel discouraged. Two Seconds went in to visit him this morning, but all it took was one look at a SOLDIER uniform and he started screaming.
Angeal: If he quits, it's on Zack, Gen and Strife. Sephiroth and I were busy hunting materia and babysitting.
Sephiroth: No. You were looking for the materia. I was taking adequate care of the baby and giving it the attention its mother denied it.
Tseng:
Tseng: Sephiroth
Tseng: Sephiroth why do you still have the baby?
*They look over and sure enough, Sephiroth has the baby in a carrier strapped to his chest*
Sephiroth:
Sephiroth: I'm the most competent adult in its life.
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Every character that appears in All Stars F
I have too much free time... Have a list of every character in the new Precure movie! They're in order of appearance.
KEY:
👑 - Main role
🎤 - Speaks at least once.
🤜 - Partakes in battle.
🎞️ - Appears in flashback.
🎭 - Cameo.
⭐ - Exclusive character.
LIST:
Sora Harewataru/Cure Sky 👑
Nagomi Yui/Cure Precious 👑
Kome-Kome/Cure Kome-Kome 👑
Natsuumi Manatsu/Cure Summer 👑
Preme/Cure Supreme 👑⭐
Nijigaoka Mashiro/Cure Prism 👑
Laura/Cure La Mer 👑
Kasai Amane/Cure Finale 👑
Puka 👑⭐
Hanadera Nodoka/Cure Grace 👑
Rabirin 👑
Yuunagi Tsubasa/Cure Wing 👑
Ha-chan/Hanami Kotoha/Cure Felice 👑
Yakushiji Saaya/Cure Ange 👑
Haruno Haruka/Cure Flora 👑
Elle-chan/Cure Majesty 👑
Hijiri Ageha/Cure Butterfly 👑
Kotozume Yukari/Cure Macaron 👑
Hagoromo Lala/Cure Milky 👑
Fuurin Asumi/Cure Earth 👑
Latte 👑
Kenjou Akira/Cure Chocolat 🎞️🤜🎤
Ark & his monsters ⭐
Milk/Mimino Kurumi/Milky Rose 🎞️🤜
Kujou Hikari/Shiny Luminous 🎞️🤜
Madoka Aguri/Cure Ace 🎞️🤜
Yuni/Cure Cosmo 🎞️🤜
Tsukikage Yuri/Cure Moonlight 🎞️🤜
Hoshina Hikaru/Cure Star 🎞️🤜🎤
Usami Ichika/Cure Whip 🎞️🤜🎤
Ichinose Minori/Cure Papaya 🎞️🤜
Kaido Minami/Cure Mermaid 🎞️🤜🎤
Yotsuba Alice/Cure Rosetta 🎞️🤜
Akimoto Komachi/Cure Mint 🎞️🤜
Minazuki Karen/Cure Aqua🎞️🤜
Suzumura Sango/Cure Coral 🎞️🤜
Kise Yayoi/Cure Peace 🎞️🤜
Fuwa Kokone/Cure Spicy 🎞️🤜
Misumi Nagisa/Cure Black 🎞️🤜🎤
Yukishiro Honoka/Cure White 🎞️🤜🎤
Hoshizora Miyuki/Cure Happy 🎞️🤜🎤
Aida Mana/Cure Heart 🎞️🤜🎤
Momozino Love/Cure Peach 🎞️🤜🎤
Nono Hana/Cure Yell 🎞️🤜🎤
Hyuuga Saki/Cure Bloom/Cure Bright 🎞️🤜🎤
Mishou Mai/Cure Egret/Cure Windy 🎞️🤜
Ruru Amour/Cure Amour 🎞️🤜
Aisaki Emiru/Cure Macherie 🎞️🤜
Hojo Hibiki/Cure Melody 🎞️🤜🎤
Minamino Kanade/Cure Rhythm 🎞️🤜
Asahina Mirai/Cure Miracle (All forms) 🎞️🤜
Izayoi Riko/Cure Magical (All forms) 🎞️🤜
Tategami Aoi/Cure Gelato 🎞️🤜
Amanogawa Kirara/Cure Twinkle 🎞️🤜
Akagi Towa/Cure Scarlet 🎞️🤜
Sawaizumi Chiyu/Cure Fontaine 🎞️🤜
Hanamichi Ran/Cure Yum Yum 🎞️🤜
Yumehara Nozomi/Cure Dream 🎞️🤜🎤
Coco 🎞️🎭
Kurumi Erika/Cure Marine 🎞️🤜
Myoudouin Itsuki/Cure Sunshine 🎞️🤜
Chypre 🎞️🎭
Coffret 🎞️🎭
Potpourri 🎞️🎭
Regina 🎞️🎭
Aino Megumi/Cure Lovely 🎞️🤜🎤
Sagara Seiju 🎞️🎭
Hikawa Iona/Cure Fortune (All forms) 🎞️🤜
Omori Yuka/Cure Honey (All forms) 🎞️🤜
Shirayuki Hime/Cure Princess (All forms) 🎞️🤜
Aoki Reika/Cure Beauty 🎞️🤜
Hino Akane/Cure Sunny 🎞️🤜
Midorikawa Nao/Cure March 🎞️🤜
Higashi Setsuna/Cure Passion (Eas makes a brief cameo) 🎞️🎭🤜
Yamabuki Inori/Cure Pine 🎞️🤜
Aono Miki/Cure Berry 🎞️🤜
Kiryuu Michiru/Cure Bright 🎞️🎭
Kiryuu Kaoru/Cure Windy 🎞️🎭
Shirabe Ako/Cure Muse (Masked Cure Muse also makes a brief cameo) 🎞️🎭🤜
Zakenna 🎞️🎭
Natsuki Rin/Cure Rouge 🎞️🤜
Kasugano Urara/Cure Lemonade 🎞️🤜
Kagayaki Homare/Cure Etoile 🎞️🤜
Kawakami Aya 🎞️🎭
Prince Kanata 🎞️🎭
Pafu 🎞️🎭
Nanase Yui 🎞️🎭
Aroma 🎞️🎭
Amamiya Elena/Cure Soleil 🤜
Ai-chan 🎭
Hishikawa Rikka/Cure Diamond 🤜
Kururun 🎭
Tarte 🎭
Chiffon 🎭
Hiramirsu Hinata/Cure Sparkle 🤜
Pekorin/Cure Pekorin🎭
Ribbon 🎭
Hummy 🎭
Prince 🎭
Fuwa 🎭
Harry 🎭
Hugtan/Cure Tomorrow 🎭
Syrup 🎭
Kirahoshi Ciel/Cure Parfait 🤜
Mofurun/Cure Mofurun 🎭
Nijigaoka Yoyo 🎭
Kurokawa Ellen/Cure Beat 🤜
Takizawa Asuka/Cure Flamingo 🤜
Kaguya Madoka/Cure Selene 🤜
Pop 🎭
Candy/Royale Candy 🎭
Natts 🎭
Mailpo 🎭
Chourou 🎭
Miss Shamour 🎭
Kuroro 🎭
Shiri (Purple fairy tone) 🎭
Miri (Orange fairy tone) 🎭
Sori (Green fairy tone) 🎭
Fari (Yellow fairy tone) 🎭
PhanPhan🎭
Glassun 🎭
Masuko Michio 🎭
Masuko Mika 🎭
Masuko Miyo 🎭
Shirabe Otokichi 🎭
Shiratori Yuriko 🎭
Koshino Natsuki 🎭
Mori Kyoko 🎭
Himenojou Sakurako 🎭
Karube Tatsunori 🎭
Chinen Miyuki 🎭
Aihara Yuuki 🎭
Ichijo Ranko 🎭
Pikario/Julio (Or Cure Waffle if that's what you like to call him) 🎭
Ban Kenji 🎭
Sebastian/Cure Sebastian 🎭
Wakamiya Henri/Cure Infini 🎭
Shinada Takumi/Black Pepper 🎭
Fujiwara 🎭
Princess Filia 🎭
Flora 🎭
Captain Shalala 🎭
AI (Lala's rocket) 🎭
Kouchou 🎭
Lord Coupe 🎭
Bibury 🎭
Bunbee 🎭
Wisdom/Stone Keeper 🎭
Soular 🎭
Westar 🎭
Aphrodite 🎭
Mephisto 🎭
Lady Teatine 🎭
Sir Johnathan Klondike 🎭
Mermaid Queen 🎭
Rosemary 🎭
Blue 🎭
Past Princess Precure 🎭
Cure Lumiere 🎭
Aunete/Cure Oasis 🎭
Cure Empress 🎭
Cure Echo 🎭
Gueru 🎭
EnEn 🎭
Hanasaki Kaoruko/Cure Flower 🎭
Mirage/Cure Mirage 🎭
Hikawa Iona/Cure Tender 🎭
Cure Nile 🎭
Wonderful Net Precure 🎭
Ohana/Cure Sunset 🎭
Olina/Cure Wave 🎭
Bomber Girls Precure 🎭
Cure Art 🎭
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