#hindsight is a hell of a thing

[serenova]

and when you grow up with a parent who also has it, a lot of stuff YOU think of as normal turns out.... are not

I got diagnosed super early at like age 10 (which was a bloody fucking miracle since it was the 1990s and Im a girl) and ever since it's been a slow realization for my mom going "wait a minute......"

(rant below the read more because I accidentally went off here sorry not sorry)

it's exhausting, and frustrating, and even with meds you're constantly fighting your own brain

it makes holding down a job hard, like, can't do a standard 9 to 5.... I work at a grocery store at 37. my husband on the other hand is a MECHANICAL ENGINEER. I had to give up on my dream of being an astrophysicist because of issues related to ADHD and my other learning disabilities

and yes it's a fucking DISABILITY

anyone who says "learning difference" hasn't actually dealt with being disabled by the way their brain works... it's a fucking DISABILITY. I take medication because my neurochemical balance is wrong. a DIFFERENCE is hair color, or eye color... a disability NEGATIVELY IMPACTS YOUR LIFE

AND GUESS WHAT ADHD HAS A FUCKING NEGATIVE IMPACT

everything is 10x more exhausting because it's CONSCIOUS, like, I have to *actively* REMEMBER to grab my keys every time I leave the house (as a singular example among MANY)

there are no such things as habits for the ADHD brain. you can make SKILLS muscle memory, like, I can knit without looking at my hands because muscle memory. I can tie my shoe laces without thinking because muscle memory. but brushing my teeth? washing my face? SHOWERING? all of those and more take conscious thought. and sometimes you don't have the mental energy to do it. and it sucks

then.... fucking then....

you do something like take the RAADS-R (a self administered version) *twice* and score a 183 and a 203, say to your cousin-in-law at Thanksgiving "oh I think I may be AuDHD" and he goes "I thought you KNEW!"

which is a hell of a mind trip, and then you talk to ANOTHER friend who is AuDHD and she goes "wait you didn't know??????"

and then a whole lot of shit starts making a hell of a lot more sense when you see both sides of it

people make fun of people with ADHD for saying that everything is a symptom of ADHD. and that's fair. it's annoying. but please understand. having ADHD is an endless conga line of realizations that some shit you thought had nothing to do with your ADHD is actually a symptom of ADHD. so eventually you're just like "probably that too, yeah, fuck it" whenever basically anything happens

[sugar-plum-obito]

im actually gonna goo insane

[ashleytrashly]

I've been processing stuff a lot. I'm looking back on old friendships, that are no longer. Ones I feel like I should miss more. They were such huge pieces of my life before. And yet...

Even factoring in the ADHD out of sight out of mind thing... When I actively think about them, there still isn't really any... sadness or grief there.

But looking back, especially at the two most significant ones... I'm starting to realize I was a friend out of convenience to them. Neither one really made advance plans with me. But I was almost always available for impromptu plans, when something else they had planned fell through. 99% of the time, it was always something THEY had wanted to do, and I just tagged along.

One of them would randomly bail in the middle of whatever to go hook up, or go to the bar for a drink. Like if we had planned to have a movie marathon, maybe half way through the second movie, they'd make some excuse to leave, or just outright say, they're gonna go meet up with someone from an app, for a quickie.

My music was never on rotation. We would listen to music they enjoyed. Even though I didn't care for their music, about the same amount as they didn't care for mine. That seems petty, but... idk how to describe it... Like if we had a beach day, the three of us, they'd go back and forth picking music, but the music I would have played, never factored in...

Both are large in your face, center of attention people. I was the Ethel to their Lucy. Cameron to their Ferris. I feel like they mostly enjoyed my company, because I wouldn't be vying for attention away from them. Maybe that's not giving them enough credit.

But what is easily seen, is that once I was no longer immediately available, they never tried to plan things in advance with me. They'd be able to plan in advance with other people, but I would be let known like an hour before, and then it was me that disappeared, because I stopped doing things with them... like...

they'd schedule these like beach trips, or whatever, either tell me very last minute, or not at all, and then blame me, for never doing anything with them anymore. How can I? when half the time I don't even know you are doing anything.

I think the thing that really bugs me the most, is that, to them, it looks like I dropped them all for a guy. Which is absolutely not what happened.

I see how it looks like that I do. But I would standing plans with him already, and then be asked to do something last minute with them. I'm not gonna blow off plans already made, for a last minute invite. Just like if I had plans made with them, and he invited me to something last minute, I wouldn't have blown them off, for him. But that scenario was never one, that played out, for them to see that. I ended up staying at his place almost every night. Yeah... because she kept moving people in with us. When we stated that our place was not going to end up communal space, like all her other living situations did. Because I absolutely needed a place to go to, without having to deal with guests all the time. She lost sight of that.

Before I started staying at his place every night, she low-key moved her girlfriend in. Her girlfriend accidentally booked her apartment as an air b&B for like 4 months straight... so she had to stay with us... and she was an alcoholic.. so fun. So yeah. I would use his place as an escape. And after that blew up and ended, not even a two months later, her mom comes for a visit, right as everything is shutting down for covid, and what was supposed to be a 3 week visit, turned into her just moving in with us, permanently. And I was supposed to just be chill with that? NOT to mention that on top of her mother moving in, she was hosting like workout sessions in our place, with a bunch of people crammed in our living room... while were in the height of a pandemic, and I work with a high risk population. And you can sure as shit bet, at one point a good chunk of that group ended up with covid. So I was either in my room, or gone.

And I really don't know what fucking kool-aide was mixed up, but everyone is suddenly doing Intermittent fasting, with like an extreme window. I tried joking with her one day about the kooks saying covid was just 5G sickness from the new cell towers.... and she had somehow become one of those people that legitimately thought that. We used to make fun of the "Love and light" spiritual people, and then she turned in to one, and somehow, I was standing there look at her, and the rest of our friends wondering how the hell they all turned into these people. Like she was always boderline sometimes, but usually she would be brought down to earth, or like grounded in reality... but I guess maybe without having to interact with the actual world outside of her bubble for months on end, she lost touch. Meanwhile. my life stayed essentially the same. I worked in healthcare, so I was never out of work. even in that intial like two week period.

Then after the 5g thing, she started to believe it wasn't real. No one she knew so far had gotten it, or if they had, they hadn't been sick. Until you know... she did. but like... I saw it, come through my building and the SNF.

So yeah... i bailed. I hated being home. I just happened to be with him, and could go to his place 98% of the time. If I hadn't of been though. I would have still be holed up in my room most of the time. I would have spent a lot of time at my moms. Because there were actually plenty of nights that I wasn't at his, and the idea of having to be home was so fucking awful, I went to my moms.... like... if you know anything about me, the idea that I would rather spend my time at my mothers home than mine, should fucking tell you something. I preferred to sleep on a fucking air mattress at my moms, on her living room floor. than be at home in my own bed.

So no. It wasn't because of a guy. The timing was just ironic. but it would have happened regardless. Not because of anyone other, but themselves. and I HATE that they don't know that, or won't acknowledge it.

I just have to remind myself... what other people think of me, is not my business.

what they think about me, and the end of our friendship and the reasons for it, are not my business.

[adobe-outdesign]

SV's marketing: here's a few simple teaser trailers, enjoy

SWSH's marketing: go to this page that we Missingno'd to see a heavily pixelated image of the new Pokemon that we also rotated horizontally and flipped. Also don't forget to check out this 24 hour livestream where nothing happens

[iicaru2]

thinking about how the first time i ever actually got gale killed in a fight was in my first origin gale run, which also happened to be my first time playing an origin character— so it startled me when not only was gale thrown into actual literal lava, but i was also thrown into control of the next character in my party setup (astarion) and gale was suddenly talking to me at length, after like 30-ish hours of silence, about the long and complex process to reviving him so that he didnt Fucking Nuke the entire underdark.

and you know. i did what anyone would do: panic use a regular revivify scroll to bring him back and not touch his true resurrection scroll with a ten foot pole. because i didnt understand a single fucking word he said. it worked out fine by the way, he didnt nuke a whole ecosystem, but it did scare the shit out of me for no reason.

[winepresswrath]

Darla/Angelus is also great because the show has a competing designated OTP and they exist to serve as contrast and hateful competition to THE ship. they are soulless monsters even by the standards of soulless monsters, they literally make the other soulless monsters go "yikes... your relationship seems not good maybe." but they love each other so fucking much. the writers can't help it. they are constantly trying to find their way back to each other. the way she hits him over a head with a shovel and leaves him to an angry mob while he tries to say he doesn't mind dying if it's with her AND the way they coo about it to each other afterwards. the way she takes him back against her better judgement because she missed him so so much but then kicks him out again later because he still can't be who she needs him to be. that's just how they say i love you.

[un-pearable]

i know it’s been years and it’s basically irrelevant now but i genuinely love the green ninja prophecy if only for how much it must have tortured wu and garmadon. how long have they known it!! how did they find it, this script dooming them to forever be on opposing sides!! by the time morro rolls around, wu's spent most of his adult life with this looming over his head - this threat that there's some great evil out there that even their father didn't prevent, and then his brother leaves and adopts the very title that the prophecy foretold against. and then a ridiculously powerful elemental practically falls into his lap, with an uncanny command of his element without even unlocking his true potential, and with another threat already on the horizon (the serpentine) and the rest scattered (not to be brought together until years later), that was all he could do. it's been at minimum decades, at most centuries of the two of them having to carry this burden over their heads - of garmadon succumbing and of this unknown dark lord attacking. when do you think they made the connection. the wrong connection sure, but it makes sense. and it makes sense that years later, after wu is proven wrong and his brother returns to him and his son leaves him, and after his brother threatens to leave him again, he'd work backwards. collect the elementals, rebuild what he can of an alliance, and hope he's proven wrong again. and then kai steals his bag by accident and the rest is history.

[m4gp13]

Nemesis meeting Ethan's mortal parent:

[chaotic-average-child]

getting back on my drawing slowly but surely ^^ here's an aleena

[thatneoncrisis]

not to bring negativity into your ask box but sometimes (hold on keep reading this is a generally positive statement) i think you’re too mean about certain things in tlt fandom BUT THEN i actually see how the majority of this fandom acts and interacts with tlt and other pieces of media associated with it and i get so upset i want to explode… so thank you for being someone i can reliable come to for good opinions <3 and frankly when your opinions are harsh it’s because they’re honest and the honest truth is that people are annoying and wrong

you know, this is some pretty important insight thank you. i think there is a very delicate balance between like, curating your own experience and knowing when its time to say something, and i absolutely have just started bitching unproductively before so rn im just trying to focus on ig. understanding my own emotions about certain things and why they affect me. im trying to seriously reduce the amount of shit i engage with that i know i wont like, and fandom is a space where i just have to concede because i know i will never agree with some people on certain things literally ever. its really not my intention to Be Mean, sometimes it just happens and im working on being less mean. pretending im into shit that i dont really like or care about and being surrounded by it is what gets me to that meanness in the first place if that makes sense

[jewishcissiekj]

I have so much inexplicable disdain for the white batch or whatever their name is they just irritate me

[asmodeusamaryllis]

MARIA HAS A SISTER?!??

[emmodii-mode]

In my defence, what was I supposed to do? Leave their corpses to rot?

[astranauticus]

not sure if this counts as an AU but.. thinking about the Per Aspera crew as horror game bosses like.. you are wandering through a forested mountain range and you know somethings wrong because the forest shouldn't be this eerily silent, this devoid of life, and then you hear the crash of falling trees and there is a hand that is half your size glowing golden in the night and it is grabbing you and its claws are digging into your flesh and you see the spines running down the golden arm that is far too long as it lifts you over a crater in mountain, over a coiled, serpentine thing with a visage that is not of this world, and if you look closely you can see the shape of a child curled at the centre of the thing, golden hair reflecting the glow of the creature and if you listen closely you can hear her sobbing, 'Don't hurt me, I don't want to do this'. you are sailing through the astral sea when you see an ephemeral, resplendent spelljammer cutting through the starry waters and you rejoice because you have been lost on the seas for so so long, so you board the ship looking for help, supplies, anything, and you are greeted by a blue fire genasi (you wonder, do those even exist? but you can't get off the ship now because where else will you go?) and she tells you she is the captain of this ship but as far as you can tell there is no crew on board, and if she is not appearing right behind you from a trapdoor you've never noticed she is always in the engine room 'fixing the ship' even though the ship seems to be sailing perfectly fine ('Where are we going?' you ask her once and she doesn't even turn to look at you, 'Don't worry about it') and if you are ever so unlucky as to damage the ship in any way, you begin to catch flashes of red and orange out of the corner of your eye, a fire genasi wearing the woman's face who whispers at you with hollow, angry eyes 'Don't you fucking dare hurt my ship'. you are sailing through the astral sea when you see a rotting, decaying spelljammer, so badly damaged it's barely moving although you have to wonder how it's even staying afloat at all, and out of some morbid curiosity you climb on board and the deck of the ship is in no better shape than the hull, the marks of hard-fought battle - scars in the wood from sharp blades and arcane energies, stains of blood and oil splattered about - still fresh but you know time doesn't pass on the astral sea so who knows how long ago this all took place, and as you climb below decks you start to notice the writings on the walls, pieces of parchment nailed to every surface and connected with fraying, rotting threads, or words etched directly into the wood, the deep gouges barely readable, and you start to hear the creaking and clanking of rusted machinery slowly moving about and you turn a corner to see a figure standing in a room facing the wall, slowly scratching yet more of that unintelligible writing into the bones of the ship, and it turns as the rusted dented mechanite stares at you with eyes ablaze and he asks 'Who are you? Where is my crew?' as sparks of arcane lightning begins to arc through the room. you are running through a feywild forest and you know, even without the figure chasing you, that you have made a horrible mistake, you should have known better, should have been more careful, should have kept your impulses in check, and now you are being chased through an unfamiliar forest and the figure, the Hunter pursuing you knows this realm like the back of his hand, knows every tree and shrub and vine that is slithering up to grasp at your ankles, and you glance back desperately to catch any glimpse of your pursuer but there is no pursuer, he has hidden himself with some arcane trick or some innate power or just the knowledge that this realm is his home, and you hear his voice even though you cannot see him as he cries out 'You should not have hurt my family. Prepare to face the Hunter of Hundkiln'

sorry no Vhas yet maybe I'll update with one for him once we get more of his whole deal

[everysongineverykey]

honestly it bugs me a little how 99% of the comments on the these are the days of our lives music video, one of my personal favorite queen mvs for pure aesthetics and mood, are people calling it "heartbreaking" and hand-wringing about how SICK and PALE and CLOSE TO DEATH freddie mercury looks. like. wooow the dying man looks like he's dying? really? well done, nancy drew! have a gold star! yes aids is an awful fucking disease and yes hiv positive people shouldn't be reduced to washed-out portraits of the words "inspirational" and "strong" by the media and they should have their pain acknowledged but guys. freddie, by all accounts, very much Did Not Want To Dwell On It. he told his friends he had aids and then immediately was like but i don't want to talk about it. i just want to spend the rest of my time making as much music as i can. and his bandmates accepted that and supported him! he wanted to spend the time he had doing what he loved with people he loved and who loved him and he did. he had, by all accounts, a great last year. that one person who took the days of our lives bts color footage and edited Sad Piano Music TM over the entire thing and intercut interviews with the rest of the band also with Sad Piano Music TM and made it so we could barely hear freddie even say anything... it makes my blood boil like he's literally just. like it's literally just footage of him walking and discussing a take with the director and standing waiting for the take to start like. normal video filming stuff. and all anyone can see is a tragedy because he's walking stiffly or whatever

[aroaessidhe]

2023 reads

What Stalks Among Us

YA thriller

two best friends skip a field trip to explore some old forgotten backroads - and get trapped in a looping corn maze full of weird shit, including their own dead bodies

they have to figure out how to get out, what’s killing them, what’s causing the maze, and face their traumas

fat girl MC with anxiety, both are bi and have ADHD, no romance