#high school was...a weird 4 years
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Amazing take on the dash tonight. 'I think most people actually don't want or value or need romantic affection or attachment and that most people are aro' uhhhhhhhhhhhh????
Also like. I'm p sure what constitutes the difference between romantic and platonic and sexual affection and attraction is purely cultural and different to everyone. I wish people would stop focusing so hard on the idea that these labels are like actual objectively true things about people. Like, would some people probably be happier without feeling forced to pursue relationships by society? Sure. But saying that most people are Actually Aromantic and that 'very few' people actually want or value romantic attachment ???? I'm honestly kinda tired of these like 'most people are Actually bi lol' 'most people are at least a Little ace!!' Etc etc type takes. 'No one is Actually cis' like can you shut upppppp these words are just WORDS for extremely abstract cultural concepts that mean different things to everyone yall do not need to take them this seriously. And im just so tired of people being like 'man knowing about this identity helped me, im sure Everyone feels like this and Everyone actually secretly hates this common thing' like uhhhh no. They don't. Lol.
#like. identifying as aroace in highschool [starting at 14] and then continuing for years#actually royally fucked up my perception of myself and stunted my social development??#because like. i was under the impression that i Discovered my Actual Identity and No Its Not A Phase!!! etc etc#and so i stuck with it for like 4 years#and sorta subconciously convinced myself 'this is who you are' and so actually maturing and getting out of high school and#discovering that i did have interest in these relationships Fucked Me Up and it took me literally another 4 years to get over it enough#to actually explore it!!#idk! sometimes these mindsets can be actually damaging!!#the idea that these labels are something intrinsic about You and are immutable and Who You Are#like. i get why these concepts exist but that isnt how this stuff works these labels are just words awkwardly taped on top of#a completely undefineable human experience that morphs and changes constantly#IDK IDK idk i just dont get why people get so caught up with labels and especially try to say 'well actually everyone else is actually#my label too like. everyone actually is like this' like you cannot fucking assume that ! oh my god!#its so weird and annoying !!#idk i really love my boyfriend this guy asked me out freshman year of college and i was like im aro#and he stuck around and was my best friend for another 4 years before i finally chilled the fuck out about the concept#of being someones boyfriend#i had convinced myself that Thats Not For Me and so Im Just Not One Of Those People#so yea seeing someone say 'actually no one wants romantic partners lol' yea it kinda pisses me off
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I think bands would’ve been a cooler addition to high school years than thrifting, and bubble tea
#like think about it#music venue lot trait#you can put it in just a regular cafe or bar or whatever#or a lounge if you want#and then you can have your little tiny band set up in the corner#and then there’s a fun side activity THAT IS EASILY GROUPED IN WITH THE LEARNING NARRATIVE OF HIGH SCHOOL YEARS#like idk who looked at high school years and said#‘you know what teenagehood reminds me of’#‘bubble tea thrifting and upcycling for profit’#that’s such a weird take#bands would introduce a new type of clique for the sims#which is literally another addon for the social aspect of the gameplay#as well as new skills for other instruments like bass or cello or drums#DRUMS FOR GODS SAKE#sims 4 add drums to the base game you fucking cowards#I guess it adds like#gen alpha teenage things#but idgaf about that#I want emo bands to play in my silly little edgelord coffeeshop#twink speaks#not cc#thriftea adds NOTHING to gameplay#bands would be a game changer
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I used to have this tradition where id find a four leaf clover every earth day ans i was outside today and i didnt know it was earth day and i felt a strong urge to look for four leaf clovers and i actually did for a little while which is fun to me.
#the story is awesome we had a scavenger hunt in my bio class in high school and i was like ok yall look for that shit im gonna find the 4#leaf clover and i did at the end of class and i showed my teacher and he was like the guy in the class before ate his it was really weird#and i looked him in the eye and ate mine#and then i sent him videos of me eating a four leaf clover on earth day for a few years
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COOKIES OF DARKNESS NATION WE ARE OFFICIALLY BACK 💪💪💪💪💪💪💪💪💪💪💪💪💪💪💪💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️
(long rambling in tags if u care)
#cookie run#licorice cookie#red velvet cookie#affogato cookie#I KNOW im late to this but i was at school ok 🙄 anyways i have a lot of thoughts#first off LICORICE UGH I MISSED HIM SO BAD IM SO HAPPY FOR HIM#his stats are so fascinating to me. i don't think anyone was expecting his strength to be that high#its pretty average but its still his best stat surprisingly#im shocked his strategy and puzzle solving are only 3. i think that's a strange decision to make them so low but I'm open to accepting it#maybe his avoidance/lack of ability to see the big picture contributes to the low scores?#his stats are so unexpected but I could get used to it. still i want an elaboration from devsis on these#i want them to show his strength in the show because i was expecting his strength to be like. 3 or 4#but anywho. i think its very funny how affo is 0 strength. i love how its canon licorice could easily kick his ass in a fist fight#i really do love affo and im SO happy to see him with the cod fucking finally all we got with him as a cod until now was ODYSSEY 😭#im so excited to see him work with the cod as an actual member. he's a very fun character for me#i cant wait for them to actually make him feel like one of the cookies of darkness its been over a year since he joined by now c'mon#im just so ecstatic that the cod are back. hopefully this is a good omen and will pave the way for more cod appearances soon#bcs u all know how i feel about the lack of cod for the better part of the past year. this better be their comeback i believe in them#😁😁😁😁😁😁 IM JUST SO HAPPY THIS IS THE BEST POSSIBLE OUTCOME IM SO HAPPY U HSVE NO IDEA I LITERALLY SCREAMED#btw ik crepe is there. but they're in a weird grey area of being a cod so i didn't post them BUT IM VERY HAPPY THEY'RE THERE TOO ‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️#♦️charlie's miscellaneous
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Lineup of all of the characters that appear long enough to need a visual representation of them in the game lol
#I added a few people that you can randomly run into around town (like at the inn or in the forest or etc) and have very short conversations#with just to kind of flesh out the world a little more in a more natural-ish seeming way. Like nobody in the main cast would really#have much reason to talk about the actual city you're in or anything. Since most of them havent lived there that long anyway.#But if there's a ''city inspector'' that you can run into whilst he's writing up notes examining the local inn. then maybe there could be a#few dialogue options with him where you can ask about things like that. since he would know more about the area as an offical Government#Worker or etc. Optional of course. since I have to be so wary of my natural inclination to lore dump lol and am trying extra hard to make i#all stuff thats easily avoided/skipped. But for the people like ME who deliberately choose to exhaust every possible optional dialogue#option and explore every single inch of the world and try to collect as much information as possible - then there are a few extra places to#do that. Though obviously not all of them just give exposition for like 15 paragraphs blandly. Some you don't really learn anything from#and it's kind of just.. random flavor to make the non-shop map locations more ''lived in'' feeling. Like the random#little girl you can talk to in the park doesn't bizarrely start reading out the wikipedia description of some War that happened 10 years ag#or whatever. she's just complains about school a little and asks if you've tried the nearby ice cream cart treats and etc lol#ANYWAY..#some of the art is so so evil but I'm not going to spend 800 years trying to clean it up and update it. whatever the hell mess I sketched#out in 2018 or whatever is just what I'm keeping lol... it is what it is#One of the many trials of the whole 'briefly work a few months on something and then abandon it almost entirely only to pick up work#on it literally like 4 - 5 yrs later and now you must contend with trying to decipher whatever weird shit you did years ago' experience lol#Also given the population breakdowns of the world in general I think there's an unrealistic amount of jhevona in this lineup since#they're a much rarer species to just see out and about anywhere but.. it IS a global trading center type area. and the game#takes place in the north (the country of Asen. near the coast. for the maybe 2 or less people who actually keep up with my worldbuilding#enough to know where that is lol (the same continent as Navyete (where the avirre'thel live)) and there's a decent concentration#of nothern jhevona only a short ways away so... tee hee..I shall pretend it makes sense and not merely me just wanting#to represent more of that species because I think their lore is interesting lol#I MEAN also realistically there would NOT be a human here because humans are extremely isolated species that don't even know the rest#of the world exists really and human territories are extremely protected from the outside world but... of course it's like.. well we need#at least One of them to be there for the Optional Lore. Same with the Ythrili. But at least those are like.. PLAUSIBLE.. not nonsensically#outlandish. If I had a Verrucalt or something in there THEN that would be truly lore-breaking almost lol#ANYWAY.. rambling that only means anything to me because nobody else knows what I'm even referencing but hbjh#also I think my character designs are so funny in the sense that I really do just love to do the same thing over and over again ghbjh#wow... random asymmetry and belts and arm straps and high collars where the neck is completely covered?? you dont say..how novel
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am i autistic or am i just paranoid. level: impossible
#seeing a friend of mine for the first time in 2 years but it was at a 9hr work training and i barely talked to him the whole time#so i text our gc multiple times bc im excited#but everyones drained from the day#so am i being a good loving kind person or am i being annoying as hell#my brain says the first one and my gut says the second#i also might have a big fat crush on this man (he is unfairly attractive and kind and funny and TALL)#so i may be overreacting bc of that#i just missed him and now my big fat crush on him is bigger and fatter than ever#at the end of our first summer he hugged me tight and told me he loved me (platonically)#then he asked if i was coming back and i said yes without any hesitation#and then he didnt come back#so ive been going on 2 years of stewing in this fucking crush soup and now im just#tumblr is the only place where i can talk abt this no one important in my life can know this#no one#i just really like him#and i wanna be around him all the time#and i wanna sit with him and talk to him and laugh with him#and help him with stuff#and i have not had an actual crush on someone since my sophomore and junior year of high school#which was 4 and 5 years ago at this point#this guy also kept staring at me from across the room and everytime i would glace in his direction he would look away#and every time i would get a glimpse of him at training i could physically feel the butterflies#hell#every time i even thought about the fact that we were in the same general area i would get butterflies#this never happens to me and its such a weird feeling#would you be so kind by dodie is the anthem of the hour rn#and i know there's a huge part of me that thinks i am unlovable bc of how i look#and ive never had anyone love me or even like me enough to initiate any kind of anything#ive been on one date in my life#never been kissed never had sex
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chat im really starting to fear that spiderman 4 wont have peter be nearly as sad as i need him to be. nothing at all has happened to indicate that but i just got a bad feeling. im almost completely expecting disappointment atp im just like mj fr
#sorry spideryapping again i cant help it. its in my brain again#saw on tiktok that black cat will be in it and my first reaction was NOOOOOOOOOOOOO bc i just love mj too much im not ready#but also black cat was at the top of my theories. bc it makes so much sense. so i SHOULD be optimistic if theyre thinking the way I think#like. it would cheapen the weight of the last movie if they completely undid the consequences. so they have to be apart for at least 1 movie#and mj and ned are supposed to be in boston at mit so idk how they could be in the plot anyways#and like. black cat makes so much sense bc the whole reason their relationship doesnt work is cuz she likes spiderman not peter#and thats so good for spiderman 4 bc now nobody remembers peter. and also black cat hasnt had any live action appearance yet#AND she comes on really strong so its literally the perfect setup for her#like. itd be weird if peter went looking for a love interest cuz he should be sad but it makes sense that black cat comes onto him#and he needs to meet a new cast beyond his high school friends it makes sense. but mj is endgame always im manifesting it she WILL be back#like black cat being there just suggests all the right directions. they arent immediately undoing the last movie#and theyre introducing more spiderman characters rather than spiderman villains and an obligatory mcu babysitter yk#SO ITS GOOD BUT. FEEL LIKE PURE SHIT JUST WANT MJ BACK#i wanna speed thru the necessary plot without mj to get back to her. mj my beloved#but slso besides all that even if black cat is a good sign. i still fear they wont make him sad enough. i fear the sadness will be offscreen#also i just think its rlly funny. that right when i got into spiderman again after YEARS#i was thinking abt more movies and was like. i think im happy if they stop. idek if i wanna see this peter without his buddies#his story moving forward has to be without them at least for a bit to do his character justice. but i dont need to see it#and then right after i settled on that opinion. BREAKING after 3 years new movie is coming. after i said i didnt want it#ironic (<- palpatine voice)#x
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It's funny to be an adult who didn't realize they were queer until they were grown. Turns out those "crushes" on the cool boys weren't crushes. It was gender envy, but I didn't have the vocabulary to convey that
#lgbtq#nonbinary#i have such a distinct memory of a boy in middle school#i remember nothing about him but his look#he was one of those cool tall lanky emo kids who wore what he wanted had painted nails and dyed hair#even had the classic emo hair cut#he was also a sweet kid#if my friends hadnt made my “crush” weird i think i could have been friends with him#we talked every now and then but then when i went on to high school i never saw him again#i think his name was chris#i remembered him a few weeks ago and i realized it was never about having feelings toward him#it was how cool his vibes were and wanting to be more like him#not in a following a trend sort of way but a#'i finally have a visual representation of how i feel on the inside'#but at the time i was an awkward little girl with crooked teeth and badly bleached hair with stupid pink streaks my parents put in it#wondering why i didnt feel at home in my body#high school came around and i found a friend who was into emo bands and metal who had tattos and long hair#he was the nicest coolest person i knew and we were friends all 4 years and i finally felt seen#i didnt have a 'crush' on him but he was the cool dude friend i could always talk to and i took so much inspiration from him#he was even a huge artistic inspiration for me
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[ㅁ]
#i'm updating the family birthday and anniversary calendar as a christmas gift for my grandparents and#it's kinda just driving home how very much i am in a different stage of life than the majority of my cousins :/#like.#oldest uncle's kids: married with kids; married with kid; single with chickens; living with SO; expecting a baby#other uncle's kids: married with kid; married; dating#one aunt's kids: married with 4 kids; married with kids; married with kid; married with newborn#another aunt's kids: married with kids; married with kid; married with foster kid; married with kids; single; in high school#and then my family is me (single) and blue (single)#and yes i know there is some degree of cultural difference (my aunts and their families are still in the huldeman church)#and some degree of age difference (blue and i are among the youngest cousins on this side)#but it's still kind of a. bittersweet? idk. a weird feeling. to know that they're all building their own families and i'm just. me.#don't get me wrong i'm not discontented with where i am in life#i just sometimes spend time with them and wish i could have that (husband who loves me and cooks&hosts with me and adorable kids) too#idk i'm just in my feelings a bit rn#also like. i don't actually know most of my cousins kids? heck i haven't seen some of my cousins in years#so there's also a bit of 'we used to be close but now you're off doing your own thing with your own little family'#'and im still here just being me'#about
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fascinating to watch the tags on the 'could you eat outside in school' post and also feeling some extremely belated jealousy that so many of y'all could eat outside
#we were basically like. locked in the building (literally in HS) from 8 AM to 4 PM every day#unless you went outside for PE (running the mile) or there was a bomb threat (....more frequent)#like during finals it was way more lax because of the weird schedule#so like one year my friends and i went downtown for lunch and stuff#and generally you could fuck about outside if you wished#but basically the only times you were outside during middle/high school at my schools#were for marching band / P.E. / evacuations#personal
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Anybody else like so bad at having internet friends my adhd makes it literally impossible 😂
#marauders#jjk fanart#Gojo#firstprince#dungeons and dragons#like I always feel like horrible when I forget to message and then I feel like a creep slinking into dms like 6 months later like heyyy#would love to actually be able to maintain a casual mutual#gotta get better at sending memes to check in#also I have been less in the marauders fandom and more into anime recently??#and it’s so weird because marauders was my MAIN fandom since high school#like I was there when people were shipping blackinnon#and I’ll never be OUT OUT because the fanfiction is wayyyy too good#but also not being as invested as I used to be kinda makes me sad#I’m nostalgic for 4 years ago even though it was literally the worst time of my life#sorry for the essay in the tags I just had to get this out lol
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hmmmmmm.................vent post under tags...... feel free to give advice or dont¯\_(ツ)_/¯
#i think this is an autism related thing#but i genuinely feel like i wasnt made right for the world we live in#like something is just missing from me that ive never seen ppl talk about#and i know this is going to sound entitled and privileged and i KNOW i know i promise and im so lucky i can even be thinking about this but#it feels weird to have the privilege to be scared#this is specifically in regards to working#like having a job. like going to work#i feel like im missing an extremely important part of my brain or my BEING that is capable ot going through the motions of participating#in society. i never felt that switch of wanting to get a job in high school to make money for myself and get that experience#i feel like there's something i MISSED where everyone took a class on how to apply and go to interviews and write resumes and not be scared#like i NEED to be walked through every SINGLE step because i dont know HOW#and i see my peers and the literal entire world around me participating in this atmosphere and i dont know where to start#im fucking twenty three years old and ive only ever been an intern and an assistant#not even a full year of working#i cant drive and i probably wont ever because thats a whole other can of worms#and that means i have to rely on other people to even get to wherever it was i needed to go#i feel like a fucking child because im missing this knowledge that everyone else seems to have#ive tried i really have but none of it seems simple and its all so much and there arent steps to follow#i mean there ARE but its like 1) look up job 2) apply 3) interview 4) yay you're employed#and im talking about each micro step inbetween#what am i missing#and then theres the fucking demand avoidance that slaps me across the face whenever my mom brings it up to me like i KNOW youre being#supportive and encouraging and its not your fault my brain turns off and decides im full of shame bc i cant CONFRONT ANYTHING#jesus christ#manf i know u can see this maybe dont bring it up to mom i can do that on my own maybe#i WANT to help i just want to help at my own pace but unfortunately the world isnt built around individual paces and nothing revolves#around me. i know this#i want to help my mom i want her to never be stressed about money and to retire and never work or help me pay my student loans but i#genuinely feel like theres a switch that never turned on in my head and im being left behind and i genuinely dont know how to. like be alive
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I will continue being gone for a few days, sadly my original al plan of releasing the newest chapter of The Consequence Of Imagination's Fear has also been delayed. My apologies
Can't go into detail because its hush hush not-legally-mentionable stuff but today is my fifth 12 hour no-break work day. I'm also packing to move too in a fortnight (which is a Big Yahoo!! Yippee!! I'll finally have access to a kitchen!! And no more mold others keep growing!!! So exciting!!!)
#syncrovoid.txt#delete later#OKAY SO! this makes it sound like i have a super important job but really we are understaffed and ive barely worked there a year now#graduated college a few years early 'cause i finished high school early (kinda? it's complicated)#now i am in a position where i am in the role of a whole Quality Assurance team (testing and write ups)#a Task Manager/Planner#Software Developer and maybe engineer? not sure the differences. lots of planning and programming and debugging ect ect#plus managing the coworker that messed up and doing his stuff because it just isnt good enough. which i WILL put in my end day notes#our team is like 4 people lol. we severely need more because rhe art department has like 10 people??#crunch time is.. so rough..#its weirdddddd thinking about this job since its like i did a speedrun into a high expectations job BUT in my defense i was hired before#i graduated. and like SURE my graduating class had literally 3 people so like there was a 86%-ish drop out rate??#did a four year course in 2 BY ACCIDENT!! i picked it on a whim. but haha i was picked to give advice and a breakdown on the course so it#could be reworked into a 3 year course (with teachers that dont tell you to learn everything yourself) so that was neat#im rambling again but i have silly little guy privileges and a whole lot of thoughts haha#anywho i am SO hyped to move!! I'll finally get away from the creepy guy upstairs (i could rant for days about him but he is 0/10 the worst)#it will be so cool having access to a kitchen!! and literally anything more than 1 singular room#(it isnt as bad as it sounds i just have a weird life. many strange happenings and phenomenons)#<- fun fact about me! because why not? no one knows where i came from and i dont 100% know if my birthday is my birthday#i just kinda. exist. @:P#i mean technically i was found somewhere and donated to some folks (they called some different people and whoever got there first got me)#but still i think it is very silly! i have no ties to a past not my lived one! i exist as a singularity!#anywho dont think about it too hard like i guess technically ive been orphaned like twice but shhhhhhhh#wow. i am so sleep deprived. i am so so sorry to anyone who may read this#i promise im normal#@:|
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the cool thing about getting news about people you got along with in school but didn't keep in touch with is that you'll be shown pictures of them on instagram or smth and they've grown into such beautiful adults like. i haven't really talked in you in ten years and you were such an uncomfortable and sad kid but you have a really nice smile and a cool sense of style and im glad you're studying something you love. nice autism awareness posts btw i knew we had something in common when we were 4 and you bit my arm so hard i had your teeth marks for days. could have been me. sorry my mum threw a fit
#i've kept in touch with 2 (two) people i was friends with in middle and high school#cos we were a trio and barely had any other friends#but one of them has kept in touch with Lots of people who also kept in touch with other people#so this summer i saw people i was friends with in middle school then barely ever talked to in high school and didn't keep in contact with#it was so nice to see them again!#plus one of them brought her bunny to the picnic and it really liked me so. fuck yeah#anyway we all started talking about people we went to school with#and they went from instagram account to instagram account to find people in follower lists#so i saw pictures of lots of people i straight up forgot about#including that guy who bit me when we were 4#he was visibly and undeniably disabled so everyone was super cruel to him#i was Weird™ but not in an understandable way so people were also mean but like . more low key#anyway he and i talked and hung out a few times in primary but we lost touch completely afterwards#waved hello every other month when we crossed paths in hs#but i didn't have any way to keep in touch after that#he's quite the handsome young man now#good for him#he got his bachelor's degree this year#got a gf and everything#im glad#im still not gonna talk to him because i cant exactly go hii remember the girl you talked to briefly every other month several years ago?#well he's a guy now hi i am autistic also turns out how have you been doinng#i don't do conversations like that#anyway#lots of other people have grown up also#horsegirl who had a crush on my friend when we were 13 is still a horse girl. nurse in training. soo fucking hot like 😳
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So I’m subbing for high school today, right? I usually work on things for my Etsy because I’m so dang behind on listings and their updates and creating new ones for my recent additions for products. I have NO motivation to do so.
MAYBEEEE I’ll write some instead, see if I can work on that new part of that dadzawa fic I’ve been writing. Or move something from my phone notes over to my google drive and see if I can get something ready to post.
#substitute teacher#sub for high school#HOW AM I OLD ENOUGH TO BE IN CHARGE OF THESE KIDS I’VE ONLY BEEN OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL LIKE 4 YEARS#am I old#I do look like I should be in charge of a kindergarten class tho#(which I would NEVER)#KINDERGARTENERS ARE THE SPAWNS OF SATAN I STG#yes I may be traumatized from one hour with that class#I literally have colorful flower overalls#like botanical#and I drew little pink hearts by my eyes#showing these kids you can wear the weird stuff as an adult and not give a shit
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...
#yesterday i was wandering around the campus where ive resided these last 4 years bc ive banned myself from running until my leg heals#and i was thinking like. what am i gonna miss about this place when i leave? bc im always thinking abt the things i cant wait to get away#from. and its a real short list. ill miss the palm trees bc i never get sick of seeing thrm. theyre so weird#ill miss the yucca. again bc theyre so weird looking. ill miss the way u can see where all the ants r bc in the non human populated areas#there isnt grass everywhere bc desert. ill miss that there r so many birds of prey hanging around. and the road runners and all the lil#lizards. and maybe in an abstract way ill miss being so close to the boarder bc when u live near a boarder boarders feel like bullshit#like staring down the road into another country. idk theres something i like abt that. ill probably also miss being able to run outside#all year long bc in the winter during the day all u need is a light jacket lol. where im going it gets real cold 🥶#maybe ill even miss the constant blue skies. but idk ive always liked a cloudy sky better. makes me think of home haha#ill def miss how convenient my apartment rn is. the loft bed. the low cost. the 5min walk to campus. sigh. but thats pretty much it. i#dont think ill miss anything else. im not really close with anyone. my boss was the reason i came here and she left this school in January#so thats it i guess. i think i stayed a year too long and was not well for a lot of my time here but so it goes#just gotta move to the next place. just gotta pray pray pray that i find an apartment soon. i dont even wanna say anything abt it bc im#afraid to jinx things. even tho thats irrational. like. i just gotta somehow project how good a tenant i am. im so quiet u will never see#me and i never complain abt anything bc i have brain problems. sigh. i cant wait for this transition to b over#im so so so ready to be in a new place doing new things. but at least my energy is back. im back to high energy on little sleep lol#i dont understand how my body functions lmao. somehow when i get a normal amount of sleep it's a sign that i feel awful#unrelated
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