#help me I’m suffocating
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Mxtx, creating a beautiful and well-rounded female character that appears only briefly: Hey, isn’t it fucked up that this character who is so important in the world of this story and to the people that knew her can only be known to you, reader, through flashback memories because the people in power were willing and able to sacrifice her in their never-ending quest for ultimate dominance? Do you feel the constant grief over what could have been had her potential not been killed in its infancy? Do you understand that you as a reader are mourning in the same way that her loved ones she’s left behind are, knowing that the world has been changed for the worse by her premature death? Doesn’t it suck?
(English-speaking) Mdzs fandom the bane of her existence (probably): Killing women in stories can have no other meaning than that you hate women, so this was a misogynistic choice, actually.
#mdzs#human metas mxtx#human gripes at fandom#my damn cat woke me up THREE HOURS AFTER I WENT TO BED#so i guess I’m channeling that frustration into fandom#jyl and wq had soooooo much potential!#just for it to be suffocated in the cradle#because the more powerful people around them#wanted to use their lives and deaths as fodder to justify power grabs#i almost wish mxtx did ‘what if’ type extras#i’d ask god (her) to take all of jyl’s and wq’s suffering#and give it to the jin clan as a whole and jc as an individual#with a special helping for jgy and jgs and also nmj#almost forgot about that damn hypocrite
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there is nothing more heartbreaking as an older sister for your younger brother to call you at 3:30 am drunk and crying because there’s too much pressure on him and too many high expectations that he feels like he’s not living up to and not being able to do anything about it 🥲
#like i’ve been there 🥲 i’m STILL there tbh 🥲 and it makes me so sad that he’s dealing with all of the same stuff that i have to#our parents have always expected so much out of us it’s so suffocating sometimes#and i just feel so shitty bc i don’t know how to help because you know ?? no one ever helped me like#i can tell him the things i wished ppl told me back then but i know it won’t help#not really#and he was crying because he has no one to talk to about it because his friends & frat brothers don’t get it and just blow it off#and he was like ‘i just didn’t know who else to call i just can’t keep it all in anymore’ 🥲#like how am i not supposed to cry bro#begged me not to tell my parents or our younger sibling because he doesn’t want to disappoint them#i’m just so 🥲
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As someone who has been near deathly afraid of tornados since I was little
I am never watching the new Twisters movie
#it’s been like a fearful fascination though#so I made the mistake of viewing the ENTIRE EF5 clip on TikTok#worst mistake I could have made#just with everyone getting sucked in#that poor girl getting absolutely SIDEWIPED by debris#and the dude laying on top of the protagonist to protect her GETTING YOINKED OUT OF NOWHERE#I COULDNT EVEN PREPARE FOR IT I THOUGH THEY WOULD BOTH MAKE IT OUT#It doesn’t help that the insane summer weather has been causing massive thunderstorms and tornado warnings in a place THAT DOESNT GET THEM#horrified#next time that happens you can count on yours truly having a fucking panic attack#I’m never going to tornado alley#you couldn’t make me go at gunpoint#the gun would go off#at least that would be quick#and death wouldn’t be spent suspended midair getting bashed or skewered by debris and suffocating with all air being sucked out of you#fuck tornados man#bless storm chasers but fuck the storms they chase#and fuck me too for being an idiot and watching that video#never again#dragon speaks#dragon is also shaking in their fucking boots because goddamn
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surviving your 20s when you thought you wouldn’t make it out of your 10s is like: experiences immense joy. suffers pains from hell. loves being alive and finds pleasure in so many things. haunted by past and future alike. and it just repeats itself.
#i’m fiercely hopeful but also i hate this night already what is happening to me#brain fog and thorax pains might actually be my mortal enemy#literally i am doing my breathing exercises but it makes me feel like i’m suffocating and it’s Not helping wtf
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biggest shock to me in fnv was convincing veronica to join the followers but bc i was a couple points off i couldn’t tell fool the brotherhood so their next logical course of action was massacring the followers post outside of freeside as if the doctors would build weapons of mass pre war destruction.
#corvid chatter#the fnv branch of the brotherhood especially makes me so oh. ohhh you wanna die so BAD.#this is whag plays as the final nail in the coffin for quinn and he goes nuclear on them lol#at first he was like ‘ok they fucking suck but they’re not hurting anyone. I’ll keep an eye on them and see if they’re worth anything to me#but they won’t even help in the hoover dam battle bc they’re all babies and then they kill followers for the stupidest cause and he’s like#alright suffocate now.#before he just kept them around bc they were hermits and also had laser weapons and mcf for him#i knew they sucked in my first playthru but i never did veronica’s quest until now . I’m in pain
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#sorry I just#not to complain again but I need to#I hate when I’m enjoying my. 6:30 in the morning and then boom. ship art that I do not want to see#I have all the tags blocked. I have done EVERYTHING in my power to avoid seeing it#and. tis all for naught or something#genuinely like#tag your fucking ship art#literally just put character x character in your tags so that I don’t have to fucking see it#I’m being a big baby but like. I really don’t like seeing it like this one ship drives me up a wall#like genuinely ripping my hair out sends me into a blind rage you make me sick#and it sucks because I love these characters but I’m really starting to dislike one just because of this ship#I’m just. I have to see it all the time and I’m so sick of it#its literally everywhere#that’s my man do you MIND#I love him so much it’s literally suffocating I hate seeing him with anybody else#he’s mine idk what to tell you#I’d rather die than to see him with anybody else ever#okay I’m over it#I’m just. I’m not good rn and this isn’t helping#♡.bullet proof heart
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pros of starting my steroid pack: the dark cloud of despair that’s seemed to cling to me for two weeks has somewhat lifted. my hands aren’t throbbing. my knee feels less likely to give out when i put weight on it.
cons: can’t fuckin settle down to sleep
#kit talks#buzz buzz buzz brain buzzing heartrate BUZZING#had to use my albuterol inhaler too so that’s uh. prob not helping#but the prednisone is making me really overheat too which also doesn’t help w sleep even aside from head buzzing#it’s fiiiine it’s fine. it’s fine. i hope.#at least i’m not hurting. and at least i feel less like my soul is being suffocated in misery#dunno why they’ve helped my mood so much but maybe it was just the pain and the fatigue i guess 🤷🏻♀️#alphabet soup of chronic illnesses
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Have you ever been so inspired to make something, but lack the technical skill to make it, or for some reason or another have no way to externally express this like pent up need to make SOMETHING, and it feels like a gazillion thoughts running through your head and you get so restlessly frustrated because you NEED to make something, but for some reason or another, be it personal or technical, you just can’t? And then you end up giving yourself an anxiety attack and heart palpitations and it feels like you’re going to explode?
#i’m trying so hard to get back into drawing guys#but either i’m so uninspired that it feels impossible to even consider making something#or i’m inspired but i don’t trust myself to even be able to create what my brain wants to create in a remotely satisfactory way#i feel like i’m going crazy#and everyone has advice and it helps in concept#but in practice i just feel so fucking stuck#i just want to draw#and fucking enjoy it#for fucks sake#one of the few times i legit feel so frustrated with myself i’m lowkey feeling like#not great ig#to put it in a nice way#i wish drawing didn’t result in me wanting to destroy all my sketchbooks because i hate everything i make#and i’m too ashamed to even show it to anyone#fuck#i don’t normally vent on here#but i feel really alone today because all my friends are busy doing stuff#or they’re not the type of people i feel comfortable venting to#i just feel like i’m suffocating and i can’t make it stop#and i’m so afraid of losing my love of drawing because i’m so fucking stupid about this shit#ugh#kira vents
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i literally live twenty minutes from the beach and yet whenever im sad i just get in bed what is wrong with me
#just go bed sad at the beach bitch#but also there’s something so so so soo disheartening about your depression NOT being helped by the beach that I can never make myself go#like I love the ocean as much as any tumblrina but I remember being so indescribably depressed on family vacation by the beach and the#self-hatred of not being able to enjoy where I was. i think that’s what always stops me from driving to the beach#but it’s like. I’m just repeating that pattern over and over and over. i moved to california to be somewhere beautiful and im inside#whenever I’m sad. like don’t misunderstand me I’m outside a lot during the day but then I just shut down and go in my little prison cell of#a room and that’s that#god I keep getting these moods where I feel like I’m suffocating cause I need to cry but I can’t so there’s just emotion stuck in my throat#i hate it I hate it I hate it#booms bad days
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#guys ever since i moved to this place i feel like my soul is slowly being sucked out of me#part of me feels like im being dramatic bc there’s nothing fundamentally wrong with it. but the other part of me absolutely detests every s#second i have to spend here#i feel like im living in a cabin which isn’t too far off on account of the fact that my floor is a converted attic!!!#the ceilings are so low i feel like they’re suffocating me#plus i forgot how much i dislike having roommates like im a deeply private and insecure person and covid didn’t help with it so having to s#share a space and be vulnerable in front of other people is just so uncomfortable to me i feel like i just don’t have a safe space at all#and i know i know i know this is the biggest first world problem but it’s just not what I’m used to and school is already so fucking hard a#and not having a place to come home to where my mind can be at peace is making it so much harder#i want to go home :(#ramblings
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Zarina in Touchstarved really said that since you (Senobium elite currently and the ones she held back before) sabotaged her experiment that led to her losing her initial powers, obtaining immortality (that she despises), and uniting / becoming an elemental … she’s just going to plan how to destroy Senobium as it is today and watch chaos of Eridia explode cause 1) she’s petty, 2) she’s bored, 3) she wants to see if she can make it happen because why not? They’ve killed her once, so it’s only fair she’ll give back the favor. How sad that her route - no matter the ending - still sees succession of her plan to get the old Senobium to fall and the higher ups executed by her. The difference is in several contents: does MC survive, does Zarina survive, and does Zarina ‘cure’ herself from immortality after the fall of Senobium. 🤷♀️
#I’m on Touchstarved AU brainrot again because I owe a starter to Oberon’s Mhin and I’ve been thinking#Zarina vc: you kicked me out and just like a human — if I can’t control you I’ll destroy you#mobile.#Touchstarved Zarina is sees as a lunatic by those who don’t understand that she actually can do it#and it’s scary that she can#information. powerful. knowledge.#use arrogance and knowledge against Senobium. use their corruption against them and watch them drown and suffocate#strip them of their magical power and throw them to the people or the beasts…#it doesn’t matter because humans who were repressed and oppressed by Senobium could be so much crueler than beasts#she’ll hear them scream for help but she’ll only turn around to go for s night stroll while humming as screams echo in the night#anyways I need to sleep but tomorrow will be if asks
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Ngl I’m boarding on a crisis and I have to go to work where I may or may not continue to spiral but can’t do anything about it and it’s terrifying but it’s only me and manager so I feel too guilty to just take a break every time this happens plus it won’t help anyway I don’t need a break I need to be knocked unconscious where the horrors can’t get me 😢 I’m just venting to feel better coz that’s all I feel I can do rn but dw
#vent#negative#i know I said it keep mental health shit to my side account and I have been (mainly) but#but I’m just scared rn and I want to post where I know someone will read coz it does make me feel bit better tbh#sorry about this#i just love starting the new year productive and ending up suicidal and having a near full crisis alone in my room anywa#god I’m scared#i need to go back to the doctor or therapy because I need help fr and like I will make sure I do as it’s my responsibility so like that’s go#good*#:(#my god#i think I fooled myself into thinking I was truly getting better but if last nights an indication I think the hell was just I’m hiding#ready to come back at any moment which was my fear and it did#depression and anxiety but the depression is making me want to die again and idk what to do#i can’t bring myself to go to my mother though so it can’t be it’s absolute worst#i just wish I wasn’t too scared to have a social life anymore because I the suffocating loneliness ain’t helping shit!!
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My ita bag is almost complete (I’m just waiting on a few more stickers to make into pins!)
Volo Microorganism will finally be able to see the world.. soon >:)
#i still will never be able to express enough how fucking cool y’all are for helping me buy him.. I appreciate it still so much#he’s been suffocating in there since barely after I got him#poor little guy#idek where to wear him.. I’m embarrassed to take him to work with me lol#and I barely leave the house#shut up crisa#voloposting
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i don’t think I’m like actually allowed to be happy or that I even know how to be anymore
#whimsy whispers#this isn’t me asking for permission to be happy by the way#it doesn’t matter if everyone in the world told me I was allowed to be happy I wouldn’t believe them and it wouldn’t make me like able to#suddenly be happy either#idk this post hasn’t got a point#everything just feels bad and hopeless and sad and idk what to do anymore when existing sucks so much and I know I’m never going to be happy#I just feel like I’m being suffocated or drowning or something#rn is actually a better day because I feel fairly empty which is far preferred for being in tears#like I just don’t know what to do at this point I feel so unhappy and unloved and alone and there’s nothing I can do#I can’t just fix anything I can’t just be happy I can’t make myself be loved I can’t do anything#all I can do is let each day pass by either feeling like it’s the end of the world and wishing that it really were or feeling empty#there’s no relief#it’s not that i want to be like this but I can’t help it#I want to be happy and loved and surrounded by people who love me but as I am I’m unfit for love and I honestly haven’t felt genuinely loved#I’m so long and at this point all I’m doing is making those around me feel worse so isn’t it best if I just stop being in peoples lives#so that’s what I’m up to now#I’ll be unhappy regardless but at least other people will hopefully be happier without me being so sad around them all the time#I make myself tired so I can only imagine how tired everyone else is of me
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Things are so fucking bad. Again. I can’t have one solid day where nothing bad happens. Not even one. As soon as I make positive progress in one area of life, it’s like 50 other things immediately jump up and slap me in the fucking face over and over. I’m so tired. I used to feel weary about surviving through another work and now I’m just trying to make it day by day. Please god. Just one okay day. It doesn’t even have to be a good day. Just okay day where nothing bad happens and no triggering events and nothing to stack on top of my already existing anxiety and stress. Just one okay day where I can breathe. Please.
#help me god please lol I literally feel like I’m suffocating#things are so bad#I still don’t even have time to girly blog every time I think I do I have to put my phone down and do something else#ugh I just don’t want to anymore
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#so apparently one of my (distant enough that i haven’t met him) cousins is a trans man and the reason i found this out#is that my grandparents were talking about how he got married in a suit and how ‘the pictures look ridiculous’ and they were misgendering#him the whole time. and i was trying to stick up for him like.. this is clearly important to him? he’s just being himself#and they were like ‘yeah but [he] looks stupid’ as if that fucking negates their transphobia somehow#as if a cis man has never looked fucking stupid in a suit. like. stop with this#and this was so depressing to hear because i was like wow… i can never come out to them huh. like i don’t think i can even tell them i’m bi#and i don’t think i AM trans but like… genderfluid maybe??#i get insane amounts of gender envy from men but also sometimes i really enjoy the fact that i look like a renaissance woman#and my heart just ACHES when i see someone looking effortlessly androgynous because my body refuses to do that#i’m built like if jessica rabbit got really into cake during quarantine. and i really wish i wasn’t#but there is no way i can change it lol. not unless everyone gets really cool about a bunch of stuff really quickly#sometimes i do wonder what it would take for me to pass honestly. i mean i’m already 6’1 which helps. square jawline#i’d have to have top surgery though. there’s no bindee in the world that’s flattening me without also suffocating me#i feel like if i went on T i’d get facial hair like immediately considering the genetics of men in my family. i just hope i’d keep my dad’s#hairline. he never went bald and neither has my brother but my granddad and uncle are both bald as eggs#i wish i could shapeshift.#personal
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