#one of the few times i legit feel so frustrated with myself i’m lowkey feeling like

[kirathegreatfoxandkingofeyeballs]

Have you ever been so inspired to make something, but lack the technical skill to make it, or for some reason or another have no way to externally express this like pent up need to make SOMETHING, and it feels like a gazillion thoughts running through your head and you get so restlessly frustrated because you NEED to make something, but for some reason or another, be it personal or technical, you just can’t? And then you end up giving yourself an anxiety attack and heart palpitations and it feels like you’re going to explode?

[hausofmamadas]

So I watched this silly lil movie on the suchest of larks like i can’t even lie when I saw the trailer in theaters they played it for Dune 2 bc Alamo Drafthouse understood the Austin Butler assignment I was pretty much, “oh that movie gonna be dumb asf” and now my psyche’s being taken hostage by yet another criminally underused side character and yet im grateful for the scraps bc that Side-Character FreeRealEstate never fails to produce wonderful treets like this

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The best and worst thing was that everyone was just somebody who knew somebody.

Oh okay so you’re gonna start this off with some musical, lyrical words of poetry music to mine eyes and ears, here, right out the gate, okay i see how this is i understand I’m a goner now, sick

They’d ask, understandably so he supposed, why some kid who had to hang onto the back of someone else for dear life had his own set of colors to wear.

LOLALSKDFJSKDJFKSJ THSI SFUCKING MENTAL IMAGE IC ANNOTTTS SDKS the way this hadn’t even occurred to me like he doesn’t have his own bike so how tf did he get all the bike pics like i know irl danny lyon actually was a club member and had his own bike but the movie really was giving very much “im a tourist” in terms of danny’s involvement but arguably a more important question to be asking ourselves and Ofc the first think I started asking myself next bc i am a child is whose bike was he on. My vote’s for cal bc i feel like there's a solid argument to be made that he's prob the least no-homo about it, yknow i mean dude’s californian by way of canada so like he seems most apt to be marginally secure in his masculinity skjdk 

“He’s a friend of ours. Good kid.’’

“He takes pictures—can’t ride and take pictures at the same time, now can he?”

“He’s one’a us, the fuck’s it matter to you?”

And this is what meant by you and I on the same wavelength bc the way Johnny thinks about this kid as like fun summer pet project and refuses to take shit from anyone for letting this rando follow them around shoving a camera and/or microphone in their faces while they’re just doing trrryyyyying to enjoy the casual mud wrestling and trrrryyyying to get as piss ass drunk as possible before the sun goes down is just so correct. And idk exactly what i’m extrapolating this from bc i’m p sure danny and johnny don’t interact in the movie, not once, but still this just feels yes. 

Danny was smart enough to know that Johnny’s vague, and slightly aggressive, answers to people outside their own club probably saved his ass on more than one occasion … The frustration came from being on the receiving end of those answers that didn’t do much to answer anything. He wondered if Johnny even knew that he was doing it.

ONCE AGAINNNNGSKJD WITH THE ACCURACY BC BY GODODDFKSJKDFJ the fact that danny simultaneously recognizes the value and the limitations of johnny’s A-Few-Words-Shy-Of-An-Actual-Caveman series of nods and grunts and grumbles def seems like something he’d pick up on just by the very nature of sitting around and watching everyone. And like it’s true, like when Johnny talks, he never really says anything …? Zksjdfk and I don’t mean that as shade, it’s just true skdjsk 

“I got a question.” Johnny chuckled. “You always do. That’s kinda your whole thing.” “Yeah. Not, um,” he cleared his throat, “not for the book.” Johnny’s eyebrows shot up at that … 

SSKSKSKSKSyou always do that’s kinda your whole thing, is so Johnny, I’m like scrubbing the movie to make sure this interaction didn’t actually happen bc i can legit hear it so fucking clearly and am lowkey mad that wasn’t an exchange that was in the film bc robbery and theft

Danny nodded to show that he was paying attention, hoping that it would get Johnny to keep talking. He should’ve known better than to hope for that, since Johnny only ever seemed to carry a conversation in three-to-eight-word segments before passing the baton back off again.

AGAINSKSKJK just these subtle little roasts in his head about Johnny’s verbal capacity skdjk got me nodding my head vigorously bc yes, 1000% spot on characterization for both of these guys, i’m kissing it, i’m stomping it into the pavement, i’m chucking it across a field in a spiral like a football, i’m snapping it with my fingers in a z-formation, i’m bowing at it’s altar, you get it

“She’s sweet,” Betty said, still looking at Johnny. Danny turned and looked at her. “What?” Betty finally looked up at him, giving a small nod. “She’s a nice girl.”

PFFTKSJFKSJNOOOOOOSTOPPSDKSJ BC OFC BETTY, PRESUMABLY THE LONE WOMAN IN A 30 YARD RADIUS,  WOULD PICK UP ON THE BODY LANGUAGE AND SUBTEXT OF DANNY ASKING THE QUESTION AND SIMULTANEOUSLY HAVE THE GRACE NOT TO LOOK AT HIM AS SHE’S LETTING HIM KNOW SHE KNOWS, YKNOW?

They’d chat sometimes, but never with a microphone between them. The conversation they were having now felt even more off the record.

It is kinda crazy danny got so many interviews with Kathy but none with Betty, like he seemingly never interacts with her or Johnny, i just now noticed that and once again, i cry robbery bc why were we deprived so except oh wait, here tay is supplying us all with the nutrition we require

“If you want to know what her deal is, I’d suggest you ask her.” There was a levity to her tone that had Danny smiling despite the blush warming his cheeks. He cracked a full grin at that. “Yeah, maybe.”

GODDSKJDFSKJ I CAN SEE THIS SO OOOOOSOSODFSOOOOOO CLEARLY IN MY HEAD bc no i could talk about this for a trillion years, bc on of the first things taht drew me to danny as a character in the first place is the way he somehow manages to be kinda laid back, even a little shy without seeming like a doormat or a pushover? Or tbh like a complete wimp Like he’s not overly brimming with self-importance or charisma but there is something so disarming about him, like a reserved sorta confidence maybe? and like it makes sense how else do you convince a group of 1960s blue collar greasers to let you follow them around on their bikes for 3 years and not be soemwhat charming/disarming, right But there’s def …. Idk i hesitate to say awkwardness, bc that even seems too harsh but like there’s a reservedness to him that is captured so accurately in this exchange here. Like he’s embarrassed but he’s also not pretending like he’s not embarrassed or that he’s not askking what he’s asking, if that makes sense??

“Came to find your models, right?” Wahoo joked, but the proud smile on his face said that he was hoping Danny would humor him.

SKFSJK wahooo pretending like he’s not the most America's Next Top Model of the bunch, more ready for his closeup than ever is the most wahoo thing there ever was and i have no solid supporting arguments or examples for this except that it's justa absolutely what would happen imsosorrysdkfjs 

Something about the concentration on your face, the furrow of your brows, had Danny fighting the urge to pick up the lens and snap a photo of you.

HHEREREERERRRRRREEEEEEWEGOOOOOOOOOOSOKDKJFKSJ GOT ME OVER HERE SCREAMING “DO IT, DO IT, SNAP THE PIC, DO IT DANNY” BC WITH HOW CONCRETELY AND VIVIDLY YOU’VE DESCRIBED IT, YOU JUST KNOW IT’S A GREAT PHOTO WAITING TO BE TAKEN LIKE I JUST KNOW YOUR TALENT COMBINED WITH OUR BOY'S TALENT WOULD'VE PRODUCED AN AWARD WINNING PHOTO LIKE THAT ONE COUPLE AT WOODSTOCK OR THAT COUPLE KISSING IN THE PARADE AFTER WWII do yall remember that or is that just me

Danny was watching you with that little perma-grin on his face and Cal was seeing the whole entire thing.

LITTLELELKSDJFSKPERMAGRINONHISFACE IM FUCKIGNSLDKFJSLKJD INCONSOLABLE BC THAT’S FUCKING EXACLTY WHAT IT IS SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS he fr has a perma-grin like even when he's not smiling he's smiling it's in those cute lil squinty eyes

“Here,” Danny’s lighter came to life on the first try, his hand cupping to shield it from the non-existent breeze. 

As a former smoker, it’s crazy to me that you’re a non-smoker for how well you describe smoking and i know that seems like such a weird thing to pick up on but it really does go a long way in terms of immersion if you’ve ever been a regular smoker. Liek i can always tell in movies or tv shows, in terms of the actors, who’s a chronic smoker, who’s occasionally smoked, and who’s only just now for the first time lain eye on the herbal cigarette in their hand on this movie set bc they hold it in the most awkward and unnatural way like they’re an android holding a carrot and pretending to smoke, and like the last category of ppl will take me out of the story for second looking at you Taissa Farmiga in S1 of american horror story sksksksk it doesn’t ruin it ofc but for a split second i’ll remember this is A Movie or A Show. And I’ve found this does sorta translate to reading too, in the sense that i havne’t seen smoking written badly but there are little details like this cupping your hands around thing that I’m like “oh yeah, that is totally a thing” and like you’re so right. Wind or not, you will always find us cupping the flame like we’re lighting the fucking olympic torch in the midst of blizzard-like wind conditionsSKSKSKSK 

But there was a sweetness to his face that the rest of these guys didn’t have. Didn’t mean that they weren’t nice, of course, but living rough gave people a roughness about them.

Living rough gave people a roughness about them -> once again, pure fucking BARRRRRRSSSSS OKAYYYYYYYY we did not come here to play, I see. But also so true, like even with his little loaner vest he borrowed from Cal which i just decided now bc why not give him his spare if he’s gonna be riding on the back of his bike all the time now skdfjsk and his cigarette and sunglasses, like he looks like he’s taking a field-trip forsure skdfjskjd like he’s vacationing at livng rough, these guys are permanent residents KSKSS

Danny laughed, shoulders relaxing at the apparent success of his introduction, even if he wasn’t really the one introducing himself.

Ngl i’m obsessed with the fact that danny’s the bug everyone wants to study with a magnifying glass, like he’s kinda a fun novelty act/sideshow/traveling exhibit to the point that he really needs no introduction, or atleast doesn’t need to make his own SKSKS 

“Like these boys don’t have big enough heads already.” Wahoo spoke up, pointing at you with no actual malice. “My head is perfectly sized.”

PFTSKJDFSKSKSJKJSSKJ THIS SHIT HAD ME CHORTLINGSKDJ BC ONCE THE FUCK AGAIN, BANTER IS SO SPOT ON

Cal gestured to the trunk of the car where you were sitting. “Sit down, man. Come on. Stay a while.” Danny chuckled and shook his head at Cal’s lack of subtlety, but he still looked over to you to see if you were going to protest it at all.

This is neither here nor there but i do have a personal hc where i decided that danny and cal are liek basically besties i.e. cal’s considered getting danny a sidecar so he doesn’t have to hang off the back of the bike and this is just furthter secondary source material that i will now be co-opting to support this thesis SKSKSKSKSK bc the fact that in addition to Betty, cal’s the only one to pick up on danny’s little crush is the most perfect, precious, undercover homie-4-lyfe behavior to me skdfjskskskskjd

Suddenly he was thinking that he should light his own cigarette just to have something to keep his hands busy. He didn’t have the security blanket of a microphone between you now.

Awwwwww i love this so much just the fact that like ofc he would feel kinda naked without the tape deck and the microphone, liek there’s no purpose in taping Reader bc it’s not book-related but danny hasn’t really had many occasions to just talk to someone for fun in this environment, like i imagine once again with no evidence or proof beyond speculating with wild and reckless abandon and maybe even just making shit up entirely, actually mostly just that everything is fodder for this particular project he’s working on even if he does enjoy the conversations he’s had. Idk i just thought that felt appropriate and Made Sense

“New York? And you decided to come here?” You motioned to Cal and Wahoo, who were now both trying to reach in and grab beer bottles for themselves while moving as little as possible. “For them?”

PAAFTSKJFSKSKSKKSKKSKSK this was the most savage but accurate roast of the guys, like i’d never fucking considered that’s what he did until reading this but taht is literally what this man did skdjfsk 

He shook his head. “I didn’t think this was an interview.” He dragged his hand down the side of his face, fingers running through his beard. “Would’ve prepared better.”

The way you just have his mannerisms down so well and describe him so effortlessly is like an actual crime ... i just wrote and ratified and passed the legislation for this actually i know, i really can do it all and have determined the commensurate punishment is solitary confinement, during which you are required to just nonstop produce danny fic to sate the inevitable physical dependence I am already, in real time, as we speak, developing. So like ……. You’re welcome and i expect a copy of the novel on my desk at noon next monday, August 47th and 29 o clock sharp. thankyouuuuuuosooiiiiiimuch 

It only took a couple seconds for Cal to get up and wander off in a completely different direction, leaving the two of you with some comment about having seen some guy with a bike that had carburetors he wanted to take a closer look at.

SKSKSKJSKJ FUCKING CALSKDFJSK like i can’t tell if this is him getting the hint or just being Cal Look-At-The-Shiny-Thing-Over-There getting fr distracted by someone’s carburetors or both but i would maybe die for him? and definitely would klll for himskdjsk 

“How long before you go back to New York?” He shrugged. “At least ‘til I finish school—got a few more years. Why?” You shook your head. “Just askin’. Making the interview go both ways.”

Making the interview go both ways and mayhaps making sure this guy is sticking around MEEETHINKSS??????? cuz lbr I know that’s exactly why I’d be asking if i were in Reader’s position skjdfks

“I almost took one of you earlier,” he confessed without thinking twice about it, “when you were trying to light your cigarette.” “Something about me lookin’ pissed off felt photo-worthy?” He was still just smiling, nodding. “Something, yeah.”

GODDFSLKDJFA;LSKJDF;ALKSJDF;LAKSJDF;LAKSJD;CLKASMJ;OASJDFOPIJASPOIFWJEPOIJK as if I couldn’t go complete fuckin institutionalization-necessary insane for this man, you somehow manage to make me love him????? More???????? Bc even tho i was screamin for him to take the picture it just occurred to me that like he prob didn’t do it bc he hadn’t asked first and something about that respect is justskdjfkljslapaspodfijp2ijoq03o turning my brain into actual soupy mush so that it's now sliding out my ears and my cats are licking it off my face now like it's a churu treat and im not even sorry for how grossly hyperbolic that is bc it's metaphorically true okay

“Photos go both ways too,” you quipped with a grin. He hesitated for a moment, but he handed his camera over to you … “Not usually on this side of the lens” … 

OKYAOKAYOKAYOKAYOKAYOKAYAYYYYYYYNOEVERYONESHUTUPFORASECOND bc I legit have a thing about this, like being on the other side of the lens, in my kath/danny thing I’m working on and shit you not, the scream I screamt as I chucked by phone across my bed like a hot potato BC THIS IS JUST SOOOOOO UM YESS??? and i wrote a similar thing of like there being a back and forth in an interview, give-and-take sorta thing and it's too hard to explain here but all of that is to say. it’s as i’ve screamt and will scream a thousand times more, this man is in. your. gotdamn. bones. ya hear 

You must’ve been lost in your thoughts long enough to make him wonder, because he gave just the tiniest tilt of his head as he laughed, and that was when you snapped the photo.

THETINIESTTILT OF HIS HEAD, BROOOOSDFKJSLDKFJLSKJDF ICAN SEE IT SO CLEARLY, I CAN SEE IT LIKE I’VE FILMED IT AND IT’S INFURIATING??????????? THAT I CAN’T BC IT SHOULD EXIST????????? 

Handing the camera back to him, you said, “Gotta let me see that one too.” Danny chuckled and nodded, red blooming across his cheeks again. “I’ll make sure of it.”

So, i assume this means pt 2 is gonna be him….. Showing them these pics as a pretense to see Reader again, right? bc…… i mean im not gonna not say i’ll be sitting here, staring into a void of nothingness waiting for you to write more of this true delight of a fic and like…… i'm also not saying this is live surveillance footage of me waiting ..............

but it is. so like no pressure, I’m just dying inside waiting, it’s totally fine no shhhhhh don’t worry about me I’m like sooiiiiiiiiiii great and well-adjusted about it

Off the Record

Danny Lyon x F!Reader

Warnings: 18+, language, drinking, smoking, no use of "y/n"

Word Count: 3.5k

A/N: thinking about danny and his cute lil smile always

The best and worst thing was that everyone was just somebody who knew somebody. Anytime a person tried to ask about anyone else, the immediate answer was just who they happened to know, or be married to, or be related to. They were always someone’s friend, some guy that this person knew.

Danny knew that it wasn’t just him that was getting those answers. He knew that people from other clubs would ask Johnny about him, ask who this kid was following them around with a microphone and a camera. They’d ask, understandably so he supposed, why some kid who had to hang onto the back of someone else for dear life had his own set of colors to wear.

Johnny always answered the questions by giving as little of an answer as possible.

“He’s a friend of ours. Good kid.’’

“He takes pictures—can’t ride and take pictures at the same time, now can he?”

“He’s one’a us, the fuck’s it matter to you?”

Danny was smart enough to know that Johnny’s vague, and slightly aggressive, answers to people outside their own club probably saved his ass on more than one occasion. He knew that, was thankful for it too. The frustration came from being on the receiving end of those answers that didn’t do much to answer anything. He wondered if Johnny even knew that he was doing it.

The crowd at the Dayton picnic was massive—bigger than any gathering that Danny had been to so far. There were plenty of people to talk to, more photo opportunities than he had rolls of film. He’d been making his rounds, making sure not to stray too far from the pack that the Vandals had shown up as.

He had the camera strap around his neck, but he didn’t let it hang and rest against his chest. He was still holding onto it, ready to lift it and snap just the right photo at just the right time if the opportunity presented itself. He was scanning the crowd for just that opportunity when he saw you. You were sitting on the closed trunk of someone’s car, maybe it was yours, not that it mattered to him right then. Your legs dangled over the edge of it, boots swinging slightly in front of the license plate. You had a beer in your hand and a grin on your face as you listened to whatever conversation was happening in front of you, the guys all sitting on the ground around one of the dozens of coolers that people had shown up with.

Danny made his way back towards the crowd, keeping you in his peripheral as he walked up to the table that Johnny was sitting on, Betty sitting on the bench in front of him between his legs. He snapped a quick photo of that before approaching to talk to him.

He slunk up to the table, leaning against it but not quite venturing to sit on it the way that Johnny was. He cleared his throat quietly first and then spoke up. “Hey, Johnny?”

Johnny turned to look at him, one hand on Betty’s shoulder, one hand holding a cigarette. “Yeah?”

“I got a question.”

Johnny chuckled. “You always do. That’s kinda your whole thing.”

Danny smiled, giving a shrug as he nodded. “Yeah. Not, um,” he cleared his throat, “not for the book.”

Johnny’s eyebrows shot up at that but he didn’t say anything. Danny couldn’t help but to notice the fact that even though most everyone else wasn’t paying attention, Betty had tuned into the conversation as well. What had originally felt like a bit of a silly question to ask, now suddenly felt much more embarrassing and he hadn’t even spat out the words yet.

He fiddled with the camera in his hands for a moment, cleared his throat again even though there was no need to. “Who’s, you know,” he nodded over in your direction, still perched so nicely on the trunk of that car, “over there on the car. With the boots and…” he trailed off before he made a fool of himself more than he already had.

Betty did him the courtesy of not looking directly at him, which is something that Danny was thankful for even if he didn’t say it. But he could tell by the smile stretching across her face that she knew exactly what was going on.

The same couldn’t be said for her husband, though. Johnny looked over at you, knit his brows in thought for a moment, and then shrugged. “Ah, she’s, you know, she’s one’a Gina’s friends I think.”

Danny nodded to show that he was paying attention, hoping that it would get Johnny to keep talking. He should’ve known better than to hope for that, since Johnny only ever seemed to carry a conversation in three-to-eight-word segments before passing the baton back off again.

“Right,” Danny said, fighting the urge to twist the strap of his camera. “What’s the—”

“Hey!” Johnny called out, cutting Danny off when he saw an argument starting to break out across the lawn. He gently patted Betty’s shoulder, a cue to let him get up. Whatever Danny was going to try and ask him became the least important thing as he took off to try and mediate the mess that was happening.

Danny stood there beside Betty, both of them watching as Johnny stalked off to try and shut down whatever it was that was happening. Considering that Corky was one half of the argument, it couldn’t have been anything too extreme. A nuisance, probably, but nothing that would result in any fists being thrown.

“She’s sweet,” Betty said, still looking at Johnny.

Danny turned and looked at her. “What?”

Betty finally looked up at him, giving a small nod. “She’s a nice girl.”

Danny nodded as he took in what Betty was saying, the look on her face. He and Betty knew each other, of course, but she didn’t ever seem too keen on interviews. He got some photos of her, some of her with Johnny. They’d chat sometimes, but never with a microphone between them. The conversation they were having now felt even more off the record.

“If you want to know what her deal is, I’d suggest you ask her.” There was a levity to her tone that had Danny smiling despite the blush warming his cheeks.

“Right. I just,” he chuckled nervously, “you know.”

Betty laughed as she grabbed the beer bottle that Johnny had been drinking out of. She took a sip before saying, “Put that microphone to good use.”

He cracked a full grin at that. “Yeah, maybe.”

They both turned to look at Johnny, and whatever the argument had been must not have been that important because it was all done and over with now. Johnny and Corky were walking back towards the table with a couple men from a different club in tow. Danny went to lift his camera up to try and snap a photo but before he could press the button, Betty spoke up.

“Go on. There’s a hundred of these guys runnin’ around here today.”

She didn’t say it, but Danny still heard the unspoken, “So use your film for something worthwhile instead,” that was thinly hidden at the end of her statement. He knew that he’d never stop kicking himself if he didn’t take her advice, because it wasn’t as though she was typically one to be doling it out to the guys in the club. So, he let his camera drop back to his chest, and gave Betty a tiny nod of thanks before turning and heading back over towards you.

The guys noticed Danny approaching before you did. Cal and Wahoo were both camped out, half-sprawled on the ground around the cooler. They were watching Danny, smiles growing as they thought up their greeting remarks. Meanwhile your focus was trained on the cigarette between your lips, or more precisely, the lighter you were trying to flick to life to light it. Something about the concentration on your face, the furrow of your brows, had Danny fighting the urge to pick up the lens and snap a photo of you.

“Look who it is,” Cal spoke up with a wave.

“Came to find your models, right?” Wahoo joked, but the proud smile on his face said that he was hoping Danny would humor him.

Danny chuckled, shaking his head. “Almost outta film. Gotta be careful with it.”

They both made sounds of offense that quickly dissolved into laughter. “This fuckin’ guy,” Wahoo muttered, shaking his head.

There was a beat of quiet, the chatter of other groups around keeping it from falling into real silence. You still hadn’t gotten the flame of your lighter to catch. Wahoo’s hazy focus had drifted to other things. Danny was watching you with that little perma-grin on his face and Cal was seeing the whole entire thing.

He chuckled, sitting himself upright, palms flat on the ground now. There was a knowing glint in his eyes. “Danny, you met—”

“Shit,” you muttered, not meaning to cut Cal off but accomplishing that anyway. You shook your head before angrily pitching your lighter as far away from you as possible. You were about to give up and shove the cigarette back into your pack too when all of a sudden there was another lighter being held up in front of you.

“Here,” Danny’s lighter came to life on the first try, his hand cupping to shield it from the non-existent breeze.

You looked at him, your skepticism shining through for a moment before you leaned forward and lit your cigarette off the tiny flame he was offering you. You nodded as you pulled away, smoke slipping from between your lips as you said, “Thanks.”

He smiled as he tucked the lighter back into his pocket. “Welcome.”

Cal spoke up, not willing to let this die out with a three-word exchange. He looked at you, dopey smile on his face. “This is the guy we were tellin’ you about. You know, making the book.”

You turned and looked at Danny then, really looked at him. Maybe you should’ve known that’s who he was. Not that you tried to make a habit of judging based off looks, but he didn’t seem quite like the rest of the guys in the club. Sure, he was wearing the colors, he had his own little gold earring in his ear, tiny bit of scruff coming in. But there was a sweetness to his face that the rest of these guys didn’t have. Didn’t mean that they weren’t nice, of course, but living rough gave people a roughness about them. Danny didn’t look like he had that.

“You’re the one makin’ these guys think they’re pretty enough to model, then?” you asked with a laugh.

Danny laughed, shoulders relaxing at the apparent success of his introduction, even if he wasn’t really the one introducing himself. “Yeah, that’s me.”

You gestured to the two men on the ground in front of you. “Like these boys don’t have big enough heads already.”

Wahoo spoke up, pointing at you with no actual malice. “My head is perfectly sized.”

You rolled your eyes with a grin as you tapped the ash off the end of your cigarette. “Why don’t you lay off the beer for a couple hours and then we’ll talk about it.”

As the laughter among you was starting to quiet, Cal gestured to the trunk of the car where you were sitting. “Sit down, man. Come on. Stay a while.”

Danny chuckled and shook his head at Cal’s lack of subtlety, but he still looked over to you to see if you were going to protest it at all. A smile curled the ends of your lips before you took another drag off your cigarette. You saw the way that his cheeks started to turn pink, but you decided that you’d be kind enough not to say anything about it. Instead, you made a small motion with your hand to the empty side of the trunk, a wordless confirmation of Cal’s invite.

He sat down next to you, camera now in his lap because of the way that the two of you were sitting. He was looking around, trying not to just stare directly at you. It was cute—so was the way that he was still holding onto his camera like he’d be ready to use it at a moment’s notice. You leaned back slightly, bracing yourself with one hand against the car while the other held your cigarette. You smiled before initiating a real introduction, something a little more informative than the commentary Danny had been greeted with. At least this way he’d actually learn your name.

“So,” you inhaled off your cigarette again before continuing, “what do you do when you’re not on the back of one of these guys’ bikes?”

Danny chuckled, looking into your eyes for a moment before he went back to looking at everything else about you too. Suddenly he was thinking that he should light his own cigarette just to have something to keep his hands busy. He didn’t have the security blanket of a microphone between you now.

“I’m in school.” He held up his camera for a moment. “Photography.”

You smiled, nodding. “Makes sense.” You pulled a final drag off your cigarette before flicking the butt of it away. “You’re not from around here, are you?”

He laughed, the tone of it asking the question of, “That obvious?” without him having to say it out loud. “No ma’am. I’m from New York.”

Your eyes widened, the last tendrils of smoke slipping past your lips and into the air as you reiterated it back to him. “New York? And you decided to come here?” You motioned to Cal and Wahoo, who were now both trying to reach in and grab beer bottles for themselves while moving as little as possible. “For them?”

The smile on Danny’s face was warm, a little bit of a sparkle in his eyes. “It’s been fun. I’m glad I’m here.” He paused. “What about you?”

You chuckled. “I’m from around here, yeah. Not, you know,” you gestured to the field, “here. But back home.”

His cheeks darkened. “Yeah, right. No, I meant, um, what do you do? When you’re not,” he mimicked your gesture from a few seconds before, “doing this.”

Whether it was because you’d been smiling so consistently, or because your smile had just kept growing, you weren’t sure, but either way you could feel the ache starting in your cheeks. It wasn’t enough to dampen your expression. “This how all your interviews go?”

He shook his head. “I didn’t think this was an interview.” He dragged his hand down the side of his face, fingers running through his beard. “Would’ve prepared better.”

“Probably still should have!” Wahoo piped up.

You rolled your eyes at him. “Make yourself useful, will ya? Grab us a couple’a beers?”

He groaned dramatically. “Gonna make me get up?”

You nudged him lightly with the toe of your boot. “Yeah, I am.”

You let the silence stretch for as long as it needed to while Wahoo grabbed beers for both of you. He grumbled the whole time but you also caught the fact that he was trying not to laugh. It was too much fun giving each other a hard time. You were waiting for him to dramatically throw himself back onto the ground, but instead he headed off to where some more of the guys were sitting. It only took a couple seconds for Cal to get up and wander off in a completely different direction, leaving the two of you with some comment about having seen some guy with a bike that had carburetors he wanted to take a closer look at.

Once you took a swig of the beer Wahoo had handed you, you got around to answering Danny’s original question. “I work at a diner across town from The Stoplight.” You chuckled at his slightly confused expression. “That’s what I do when I’m not doin’ this.”

He laughed, nodding. “Right.” He toyed with the bottle between his hands. “How’d you meet these guys, then?” He chuckled. “They don’t seem like the diner types.”

You could feel how ridiculous and cheesy your grin was but you couldn’t stop it, either. “No, no they’re not. Not anymore, anyway.” You paused, bringing the bottle to your lips. “Gina did my nails a couple times. We got talkin’ and she asked if I wanted to grab a drink.” You laughed and shook your head at the mild ludicrousness of it all. “Didn’t think that she was gonna take me to the other side of town and into a biker bar, but it turned out alright.”

“Seems to be a common theme,” Danny commented with a soft laugh.

You shrugged. “Yeah, kind of. But I think it’s, you know, it’s ‘cause they’re just guys. They’re guys with bikes. And yeah, they’ve got,” you gently tugged on the hem of the vest he was wearing, “matching outfits and loud mufflers. But they’re alright. Just…don’t’ look it when they’re all traveling like a pack of wolves together.” You paused and saw that starry look back in his eyes again. “Now this feels more like an interview.”

He held his hands up in surrender. “No microphone. All off the record.”

“Real reassuring, thank you,” you joked, allowing your shoulder to press up against his. You paused. “How long before you go back to New York?”

He shrugged. “At least ‘til I finish school—got a few more years. Why?”

You shook your head. “Just askin’. Making the interview go both ways.”

There was a flutter in his chest when he saw your smile, the glint in your eyes. He turned his torso so that he was facing you more directly. “If we’re interviewing, then I need to take your picture.” He set the beer bottle down on the trunk and lifted the camera instead. “For the book.”

“Mhm,” you hummed, letting it dissolve into laughter as he brought the camera up in front of his face. “For the book, I’m sure.” You watched as he lowered the camera just slightly, enough so that he could look you in the eyes. “What do you want me to…?”

He shrugged. “Whatever you want. It’s your picture.”

You rolled your eyes. “It’s your book.”

“I almost took one of you earlier,” he confessed without thinking twice about it, “when you were trying to light your cigarette.”

That got a loud but genuine laugh out of you. “Something about me lookin’ pissed off felt photo-worthy?”

He was still just smiling, nodding. “Something, yeah.”

You were laughing, rolling your eyes as you rested your beer bottle on top of your leg, not caring about the condensation soaking into your jeans from the bottom of it. “You are somethin’ else.” Just as you tilted your head back up to look at him again you heard the click of the camera. Your face instantly felt warm. “Do I at least get to see it before you go sendin’ it places?”

“I’ll let you see it,” he promised with a nod.

“Alright. Guess that’s fair.” Setting your bottle off to the side, you wiped your hands off on your jeans before motioning for him to hand the camera over to you. “Let’s see that.”

“What?” he asked, a confused laugh tumbling past his lips.

“Photos go both ways too,” you quipped with a grin.

He hesitated for a moment, but he handed his camera over to you. He saw the way you were practically giddy as you held it carefully in your hands.

“Not usually on this side of the lens,” he said as his gaze diverted off for a moment.

Your smile softened. “I’m sure you’ll do just fine. You can do whatever you want, remember?”

He laughed and shook his head at you. In his time following the Vandals around, he’d come to realize just how easy it was to feel so close to people. There was an immersive nature to the club and the people in it. Still, he found himself getting a little bit of the wind knocked out of him as he looked over at you, watching the way you carefully turned his camera over in your hands to look at it more closely.

You felt the way that he was watching you, and for a moment you thought that he was just making sure that you weren’t about to drop or break one of his most prized possessions. But when you actually looked at him, and saw the wistful expression on his face, those worries instantly faded away.

Lifting up the camera, you pressed your eye to the viewfinder. When you filled the frame with Danny, a little glimpse of chaos in the far-off background but all the real focus on that quirky little smile on his face, you felt like you were starting to understand why he was content to follow these guys around like this. You must’ve been lost in your thoughts long enough to make him wonder, because he gave just the tiniest tilt of his head as he laughed, and that was when you snapped the photo.

Handing the camera back to him, you said, “Gotta let me see that one too.”

Danny chuckled and nodded, red blooming across his cheeks again. “I’ll make sure of it.”

(divider by @saradika-graphics 💖)

The Bikeriders Taglist (please let me know if you'd like to be added to any of my taglists!): @garbinge @narcolini @xxanaduwrites @sirbogarde

[demetriandelibinaryboyfriends]

So I was thinking about the parallels between Cobra Kai and Fight Club--mainly that macho dudebros who idolize Tyler Durden and/or the entirety of the “Hawk” persona are entirely missing the point and the general commentary that toxic masculinity is like...bad--and before I knew it, my mind wandered to an Elimetri Fight Club AU and I realized it’d be like...beyond perfect??? I’m shitting myself with excitement so y’all get to hear about it, buckle up!

BIG BOI SPOILERS FOR FIGHT CLUB BELOW, DON’T KEEP READING IF YOU HAVEN’T SEEN IT YET AND YOU WANT TO

Anyways just imagine Eli as the protagonist, “Hawk” as Tyler Durden, and Demetri as Marla (genderbent, obviously lol). Like maybe Eli stays in Cobra Kai under Kreese’s influence and as a result, his mental health just COMPLETELY tanks to the point where his grip on reality itself starts slipping (which isn’t really THAT far-fetched, considering that not a single goddamn person has tried SENDING THIS POOR KID TO THERAPY and every adult in his life is FUCKIN USELESS) and he’s in a bad enough place a few years down the line to actually start seeing Hawk as a completely separate person. Of course, before this happens, he eventually feels like he has to “grow up” and give up the “Hawk” persona--he stops taking karate, he goes to college, he gets a “normal,” well-paying, respectable job. But even escaping from Kreese, even assimilating into what seems to be a peaceful and stable life, it doesn’t make him happy--he figures all his bridges are too far burned to mend, and his old friends who he alienated now probably hate him too much to ever want anything to do with him again, after all the shit he pulled while in Cobra Kai. Never having the best social skills, Eli is certainly no natural at making new friends either---he’s decently friendly with some of his coworkers, but that’s about all he has in the way of a social life. He’s lonely, he’s frustrated with his repetitive, empty life, he’s bored with his job, and perhaps worst of all--the remnants of his Hawk personality never really left. That aggressive streak, that thirst for violence, that burn for a fight--it’s still there, no matter how deep he’s pushed it. Then one day, on the way back from another dull business trip, he meets a guy about his age who wears his hair just like Eli wore it back in high school. He even goes by the same old nickname Johnny Lawrence once gave to Eli--how about that? Hawk encourages Eli to get back into karate to get out some of that pent-up aggression, but isn’t interested in doing it with all the “suffocating constraints” of a normal adult martial arts class. Before Eli knows it, he and Hawk have started an underground “Karate Club” where basically, anything goes.

Demetri, meanwhile, has gone off the deep end arguably just as much as Eli--his grief at losing his friendship with Eli sent him spiraling into a deep depression, and he ended up feeling so numb and unmotivated that he dropped out of school, turning to drugs and alcohol to cope and to just be able to feel something again. His new self-destructive tendencies and crushing depression have completely exhausted and driven most of his old friends away--Miguel, Sam, Chris, Nate. Now, scraping by working at a dingy convenience store, Demetri is nearly as alone as Eli. He starts going to random support groups just to have someone to talk to--imagine his surprise when he runs into his old friend Eli Moskowitz, infiltrating support groups for exactly the same reason. He’s ecstatic when Eli reaches out, wanting to reconnect and try being friends again after all these years. However, with as much as both their minds have already spiraled, it’s hardly going to be rainbows and butterflies for Demetri just because Eli is back in his life. And the same Hawk who once snapped his arm in half is not nearly as gone as Demetri thinks...

As relieved as Eli is to have Demetri back, his new friend Hawk...complicates things. Hawk treats Demetri with open scorn and contempt, chastising him for being a “weak pussy” whose relative maturity and logical senses (which, Eli can’t help but notice, have seemed to increased back to what he remembers from high school since Demetri started spending time with Eli--almost like the self-destructive habits and drug and alcohol abuse stopped as soon as Demetri had something to live for) are “suppressing” the violent, primal urges Hawk so much revels in. And yet, somewhat unexpectedly, Hawk lusts for Demetri like Eli never expected. Before Eli knows it, Hawk and Demetri are regularly fucking like the world is on fire and they’ll never get the chance again. And Eli doesn’t know what to think--he can’t imagine why Demetri would want to sleep with someone who treats him like utter filth the rest of the time. And Eli doesn’t much like the way Hawk treats Demetri, either--to the point where he questions if he really wants to be around his cool new friend as much as he thinks. And of course, there’s the fucking awful icing on the cake to top everything off--Eli is falling in love with Demetri, and he knows it’ll end terribly.

Demetri is...concerned, to say the least. It’s starting to baffle him, how Eli is flipping back and forth seemingly at random between the timid, meek best friend he had for years and the hyper-masculine asshole with spiked hair who made his life hell in high school. But he vows he’s going to get Eli through...whatever this is, and he’s not going to let Eli lose his mind. Demetri refuses to lose him again, no matter what it takes. But that might be harder than Demetri thinks, given the fact that the karate club Eli’s started with “Hawk” is already getting WAY out of hand...

But Demetri can’t say anything about that, can he? After all, the first rule of Karate Club is you don’t TALK about Karate Club. Well...unless you’re talking to yourself about it where you think Demetri can’t hear, anyways. Things are just getting more insane by the day.

~~~

Legit SO HYPED about this, like I can’t stop thinking about how similar the Eli/Hawk and Narrator/Tyler dichotomies are??? Like we’ve got this meek, timid, rule-following guy who just does what other people want him to for the most part and tries not to stand out, and then we have the side of him that has all this explosive, repressed anger at the world and the society he’s forced to live in (even if it’s just the “society” of high school lol) and this destructive hypermasculine energy and it’s lowkey FASCINATING to me??? And Tyler even has flashy, flamboyant clothing the same way Hawk has flashy, flamboyant hair!!! And of course Demetri tries to be the “Marla” in that he’s the Voice of Reason who’s the only one who really tries to help this guy battling his own head. And some of Marla’s dialogue to the narrator/Tyler sounds EXACTLY like the kind of thing Demetri would say when Eli is flipping back and forth between “Hawk” and “Eli,” it’s PERFECT. Like I am SO DOWN for this AU, if someone writes this I will sell you every limb on my body. It’d be dark as shit and probably can’t really work without both Eli and Demetri being a LITTLE insane, but ohhhh baby, that’s what I love about it <3 THE ANGST! THE DRAMA! THE PAIN! I live for it!!!</p>

Anyways Fight Club AU with the Binary Boyfriends 2021 please and thank you

[dancing-with-dichotomies]

“Lone Pearl Cowgirl” Ch5 update/Important mentions

I've been feeling... Pretty super horribly awful down lately, like bottom of the bottom... Been fighting several things at once. A persistant seasonal depression, probably. My massive damn writing block that's haunted every single thing I've tried to write all this damn year, and part of the last too. My damned body that just Won't. Stop. Hurting. EVER...

And my abusive family, my family that is literally in a damn cult, my family that "lowkey" supported the second-coming of the worst kinds of evil, even though not a small portion of our family once escaped that... Them holding me down, manipulating me knowing I am disabled, isolating me all my life and using me...And I can only hope that being able to live away from them won't just be a dream when I'm disabled but can't get disability, live in one of the priciest damned states in the country, and my parents keep sabotaging me and using me and manipulating me. I've tried to claw myself away from them. It hurts to keep seeing them selfishly sabotage me and having others judge me. So much of my life hurts, but especially lately, around winter, around my birthday... And they always actively dunk on me harder around my birthday...

That, plus my pain increasing, and... and, and, and... Well, you probably already get it if yer one of the ones who even really cared, so I won't go on if yer not, but...

Anyways I feel like it so I wanna tell the people who REALLY helped me to survive what was one of the worst bouts of depression I've had in years, even knowing I generally get depressed periodically... You guys are really the ones who made a difference this time and you should know it.

crappy-crapolice  -- Change yer nickname already, Crappy. Yer the awesomest. XP XD Really dude, most of the time we just BS and have fun with various fandom shit, but you've seen me at my lowest points not just once but a few times, seen me get paranoid and doubt you a few times, but you've always been so patient and amazing about reminding me that it's my mental illness making me think/believe those things. And you've always been so great at reminding me when I need those reminders, but without judging me or shaming me. You've been so nice about really listening to my issues and realizing how many struggles I face that the average person doesn't, how I get way less help, way more demands, and way more obstruction than the average person, and you've showed me real sympathy instead of the usual "get over it already, nobody cares about what happened in your past only that you can contribute in the present" or "I'm sorry that happened to you, but also this bores me, can't we just talk about nice things 24-7..." type 'sympathy' most people settle for all too quickly... You've been the one to remind me of my own limitations when most people don't even want to hear about it, won't even let me finish before they judge me. Most just settle for assuming that someone in a bad position must deserve it. That they're not working hard enough or something. You're one of the few that really understood... Because you're one of the few who really listened long enough and didn't just blow me off or dismiss me. You treated me like I'm still a normal human being even when I've been in the midst of going kinda crazy from the stress, and that's what's managed to bring me back sometimes... Also, I hardly ever even TALK about the fandom we started out in anymore, I actually kinda dislike that fandom more than not after it all was over with, and you've still treated me like a friend. A lot of people would just drift away if you weren't interested in their fandom anymore. But you care about not just my other fandom interests too, but my original work. That really means a lot to me, NOT-Crappy. Thanks, dude. <3

Iris - People like you give me hope for the future. You work so incredibly hard for such a selfless cause. People even really mistreat doctors where you're from, and you're still determined to make it your life mission to heal and save and educate as many people as you can. Of course like I've told you to, you need to remember to make time for yourself! But I'm so incredibly grateful you've made time for me too... Again, we fandom BS a lot, but we also talk about the heavy stuff too, and I wanna let you know I appreciate it, that it helps make it feel lighter about it overall and I hope you do too. You always really listen and talk with me, have answered questions I've had, and are concerned about how I'm really feeling, instead of just rushing to cover up my troubles. It's doubly impressive that you manage to be so patient when you work so long and so hard. I have some pretty bad issues with feelings of being abandoned and "disappeared", so I really especially appreciate you talking me through that. It's also super impressive to me that despite us having a couple times where we both kinda unintentionally offended the other saying things that didnt quite come out right over the keyboard, that we managed to talk to each other about how we felt about it and clarify that no harm was meant. I know you're really busy and sometimes a while goes by where we don't talk, and even still it's easy to trust that you wouldn't just disappear on me, and that you'd really care if I truly disappeared too... I just want you to know. You're not just a My Hero-fan, you're a legit real life hero to me and I know to a lot of other people too. <3 <3

closet-cryptid/Michelle - We sometimes go a while without talking nowadays, I know we both know how hard it is with a little one, and that yer net sometimes goes in and out. But again, yer one of those friends I trust enough that it doesn't  matter. It actually amazes me even more because there was a time where we had a pretty big disagreement to say the least, and both said some pretty harsh things. I was fully prepared to burn our bridge of friendship, but to my deep surprise, you actually apologized some time later, and I did too, and I feel like we're better friends for it now. And again, yer one of those people who don't just  try to cover up troubles with fandom. We have our fun fandom discussions, but you've always been really willing to listen and really be sympathetic when I need to be sad too, you care about the real me and not just the me that made content for the fandom, and that's why we're still around to still putz about the fandom junk too. IZ FOREVER! XD (and I hope you and your sisters feel better too <3)

csp124 - Yer a newer friend, but yanno, you've proven to be a good one. Again, we can putz about fandom junk or other fun stuff, but you've been truly understanding about allowing me to talk about the bad junk that's been worrying my mind so much lately. You've been really helpful especially lately because you didn't just give up on me because my illness wouldn't let me stop "being negative" for a while, as some people reduce it to. Even though I didn't want to look on the bright side for a while, you kept bringing it up to me. It took a while, others gave up on me and got frustrated or angry with me, but you're one of the ones who kept being positive when you knew I -couldn't-, not that I just -wouldn't-, and understanding of my darkness too...

unified-multiversal-theory - Everybody here has helped me along a lot in various ways this year, but you've shown a special interest in my original work especially that really helped give me the inspiration I needed to get this latest chapter done. I feel so proud and relieved to have gotten chapter five finally done, and have more hope than I have in a while that the rest might be possible too. It's really deeply disheartening, a whole new level of isolation and depression, when so many people time and again, even other creators you'd hope would get it or at LEAST encourage you a LITTLE instead of being overly critical, especially those that get heaped with praise themselves, either ignore you completely/never give you a chance or even tear your creations down, claiming that they're trying to be "helpful/constructive". It's not that I can't handle constructive criticism, but I can recognize my characters being torn down by someone who is being overly critical because they dont really care one whiff about my work and REAL, ACTUAL -constructive- criticism like the kind you gave me, where you actually found a few errors that, while it depressed me for a moment to realize I had forgotten something so silly and needed to rewrite almost a while page because of it lol, IT ACTUALLY HELPED ME FINALLY FINISH THE DANG CHAPTER INSTEAD OF PARALYZING ME WITH DEPRESSION AND FEAR ABOUT MY ENTIRE WORK. You actually discussed my ideas and plot in detail and that's been so incredibly helpful. I know like Iris yer busy, so I wanted to say thank you for taking the time to help me with this especially. This work means more than a lot to me, a lot of people just blow it off like a silly story but it's SO much more than that. Helping me with this has really improved my outlook on life lately. I know everyone knows I love and live for my daughter, that she's the reason I keep existing... But she's not the reason I was made to exist in the first place. I feel like this story and her sister-stories are. Sometimes I confuse it because everything is confusing in this world, and because there's a sea of people who think the crazy shit Christians and Muslims and men in general do makes sense but somehow I'M the really crazy one, but... Just, thanks. I just feel a lot saner now that I made progress on something that means so much to me, and to know there's at least a few people out there who also really take interest in and appreciate it. <3

itsmorethanjustafantasy - We actually don't talk too much at all lol, here and there we talk a bit about fandom, but yanno... I just wanted to mention again how nice I think you are for sending people holiday well-wishes. Growing up with 90+% of my family in the Jehovah's Witnesses cult, and because of how sick I was growing up, my birthday and other holidays were especially hard times for me. Always on the outside looking in. Trained to tell other people it didn't matter and reject any holiday wishes or gifts given to my face when they were around, but deep down always feeling so lonely and isolated and excluded. You're one of those people who just out of the blue wishes people well on the holidays. For most people it's probably just nice. I just wanted you to know it did a little more for me though. It was nice to do for me, but it also made me feel included, and like someone remembered me. Thank u for that. Belated Happy Halloween, and upcoming Merry Christmas!

In general, there were a few other people that popped in when I was temporarily mad with grief and pain and helped talk to me about the rough stuff, bookrebelwordwarrior, kendallandherstuff, and a handful of others, sorry if it's been a while and I forgot anyone specific, but yeah. To everyone who really helped me and and didn't just give up on me, who not just remembered the good in me, but helped me to eventually see it again too, and help that goodness actually -grow-... Help bring out what -I- feel is really the best of me, not what others want me to be... Thank you. I can't say I'll never be depressed again, I've seen too much and there's so much stacked against me, but I'll try my best to keep trying, to keep believing progress is possible even when it feels like your life is currently stagnant and there's an ocean of people who don't care if you die or that you even ever existed. It's sad that there's so few, but life is just barely bearable when people really show they care. <3

So, consider this latest chapter of Lone Pearl,  "Faithful Phil and the Martyred Mother", dedicated to you guys. <3

https://archiveofourown.org/works/20041537/chapters/51013765

[are-you-feeling-it-now-mrkrabs]

So I have no idea when the last time I did a life update was so here we go. Per usual idk what I’m doing and why I’m investing so much thought into one guy that for one reason or another just isn’t working for me and my life rn.

I just left a super toxic job but unfortunately a week or two before it got bad (covid and toxic work/no balance) I met a really cool guy that I vibed with so well. Everything we talked about, we just clicked; humor, likes/dislikes, sexual shit, everything pretty much. But I unintentionally ghosted him. When I quit my job last fallwe reconnected but at this point it was too late. He had moved back home to the Midwest to be with family (which made sense after the whole isolation thing and Texas blizzard shit but it still sucked).

Once we started texting each other we didn’t stop. We texted every day since Oct up until a few wks ago (January). I hate how much I looked forward to talking and joking with him and sharing all the cool and shitty things that happened to us each day and since we last saw each other(more than a year ago). We would always flirt and tease each other throughout but things only got heated a couple of times. But there was always the constant reminder that we live more than 1,000 miles apart now and we would very lowkey joke about me visiting and seeing each other again. It’s corny and cheesy and I kinda hate how much I enjoyed it because for a minute I could actually see something there and see myself opening up and letting someone in… which if anyone truly knows me they know that terrifies the living fuck out of me. I’m so good a keeping people at bay and putting up bullshit walls that no one even notices but he sees through it all so effortlessly AND calls me out on it… AND still manages to turn me on and actually make me horny and frustrated (obvs due to distance etc). I legit had to get a vibrator because it was too much for me to ignore (I can normally hold off until the real deal).

Anywaysss bad habits are hard to kick and I would still push him off a little, constantly reminding us that the distance is a lot and I could never pressure him to move back or would want to get in the way of him being happy because I’m so far and there are probably much prettier girls with no trust issues that live near him and can actually date him. It’s now been almost 3wks since we’ve had a real conversation. He has left me on read 2xs and he’s Never done that before and I hate how much I miss him. I hate how much I like him and how even tho I said I wouldn’t get attached or care, I did and do.

I hate how he makes my heart feel when he makes me laugh and smile and teases me. I hate how much I like him despite him not really falling into my typical “type” physically (again he’s not ugly at all just not my usual). If I were to see him again for the first time as a total stranger, I probably wouldn’t give him a second thought but now I can’t get him out of my head and I hate it. I hate so much about this situation but I don’t hate him, not even a little.

I always say how shitty I feel about getting bored with people and expect to get bored of most people, esp guys but it’s been so long and despite not seeing him in person after all this time I’m still not bored and I’m baffled by how he manages to make me feel so much with what I think is so little effort from his part. Idk… idk what will happen if anything. I will have to get over it. It takes time but I always do and they always move on so I must too. I guess I should be thankful that he reminded me that I can feel things too. That I’m not immune to it all and I’m not just a sex object to someone because we didn’t even get to that in our short time together. Maybe that’s what it is… Maybe it’s just a sex thing; maybe if we fucked he and I would get over each other or at least I could get him out of my head. Or maybe not. Maybe it’d make things worse and make me go into full on girl-mode… Regardless, we’re not there, I’m not there and he’s not here. Regardless I should be thankful for the time and for reminding me to be young, hopeful, experience real feelings and not just this facade I’ve created because that’s what others would benefit the most from. Rant over I guess… Thank you J ❤️

[arbitraryallegory]

Ashita wa Docchi da!

Do you love mutual pining to a truly frustrating degree? Does the thought of two people being stupid and awkward and adorable at each other make you swoon? Do you just adore the opposites attract trope? How about size-difference, does that get your motor running?

If you answered yes to any or all of the above questions, well then Buddy, Have I Got A Manga For You!

Meet our intrepid protagonist, Kirara:

Kirara is a self-identified delinquent (ha) who loves school (and who people actually like). He’s a great big ball of bravery, exuberance, and insecurity wrapped in a teeny tiny package. He’s very beautiful, and has always been really cute.

In fact, he was so cute, his mom used to dress him in little girl clothes and enter him in beauty pageants (which he won of course).

Kirara has had many Looks, all of which are very cute, much to his chagrin! These include:

“Omg sweet baby!!!!”

“I cut my hair myself!”

“I let it grow out again because I’m lazy”

“I’m blond with a side-part now, motherfuckers!”

“Still blond, but now EYEBROWS ARE FOR LOSERS!”

“Okay, my eyebrows are back and I’m still blond, but now I have earrings and new, sad self-esteem issues”

Kirara is awesome. He is always 100% raring to go, but like, not in an obnoxious way? He has friends, he has family, and he has this unself-conscious confidence (without being unapproachable) that just draws people into his orbit. 

When Kirara is a wee baby (okay, he’s like 8 or 9) and just beginning to question his identity and chafe at the role he’s being forced to play he meets:

The Tosayamada siblings and their dad!

They. Are. Adorable. (Ken on the left; Kyouichi on the right)

And they grow up to be hot af

They’re called the “rabid dogs” because a) they get into a lot of fights and b) it’s like a pun on their last name I think.

Kirara thinks they are SO COOL and becomes their shadow. Ken is his age, but Kyouichi is a few years older so Kirara takes to calling him aniki and shadowing them ADORABLY. Kyouichi is definitely more laid back and friendly, while Ken is pretty aloof and mean and calls Kirara dumb a lot. 

Kirara falls head over heels in love with Ken sometime during middle school. And like, never wavers in this. They don’t really get along, but you get the feeling that Kirara would legit die for Ken. He doesn’t seem to think anyone knows, but he is…really not subtle.

I mean….

Really really

Not subtle

As for Ken, he has…let’s call them issues. Specifically internalized homophobia because his dad is a dick and did some dickish stuff (although we still don’t have the full story there, just the perception of a couple boys who were 8 and 11 at the time). Their dad is apparently gay and was stepping out on their mom with other dudes (possibly just one other dude who KIRARA BECOMES SORT-OF-FRIENDS WITH), which caused the divorce that split up their family, so now they hate gays.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Except well…

…there’s some inner conflict with that, as you can see. 

Ken definitely feels some kind of way for Kirara, though his hot & cold act is TIRESOME and RUDE and STUPID. He’s the kind of love interest I normally can’t stand, but at the same time…he’s sort of weirdly compelling?

Like he is UBER PROTECTIVE of Kirara. Not possessive or controlling, or anything creepy, just…he wants Kirara safe.

(In the above picture, some creepy old guy tried to pick Kirara up, and Ken got him to go away, and after Kirara told him some pretty alarming stuff about “Oh, this always happens!” Ken insists Kirara walk home with him from now on)

When Kirara gets beat up by some guys who are after him, Ken goes balls out insane.

And okay, maybe he doesn’t really like other guys getting handsy.

And ok, Ken is kind of WEIRDLY jealous of his brother’s relationship with Kirara, EVEN THOUGH it has literally never even been suggested that either of them feels anything other than friendship for each other.

Oh wait….

LOL IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE! I PROMISE! KYOUICHI IS JUST REALLY REALLY REALLY STUPID! But, it probably didn’t help matters. I’m just saying, I kind of get why Ken reacted this way:

Okay, so I’m sensing you’re probably not sold on this being an actually really good love story, so allow me to attempt to change your mind! It’s true Ken’s key characteristics are “aloof and kind of an asshole, emphasis on the asshole” but he does have his sweet moments (even though they’re often in disguise, Kirara is one of the few people who seems to sense his true intentions underneath all the gruffness and bluster)

Like when he carried Kirara home after he got beat up, even though Kirara was perfectly capable of walking on his own and they both knew it

Or when Kirara busted in on a fight already in progress, and Ken worried if he’d gotten hurt

Or when Ken brought Kirara milk, just because he asked him to

Or when he asked Kirara to walk beside him, not behind him (my faVORITE I DIED IT WAS SO CUTE)

Plus a few times in the raws where it looks like he’s probably being sweet, but this is getting long already, so I’m not going to post them!

Unfortunately, it’s really not ALL adorable teenagers pining after each other. In one of the recently translated chapters, Ken hurt Kirara’s feelings badly, so much so that he’s questioning everything he thought he knew about them and their relationship. Ken made him make this face:

therefore Ken is The Enemy, until he Fixes It. I’m not too worried, since Yamamoto-sensei has proven I can have faith in her writing over and over again. I’m confident they’ll have their happy ending, so I can really just sit back and enjoy the entire agonizing, frustrating journey! 

Plus, I mean oh my god my size difference kink is SO APPEASED

And if that doesn’t do it, here are some of the other awesome characters, to entice you!

Big bro Kyouichi who is seriously hot af and super just the most laid back and awesome person, I can see why Kirara likes him so much:

And KIRARA’S MOM IS A TREASURE I SWEAR

And OOMAEDA, who is completely gone on Kirara and dgaf who knows it. While he CAN be pretty OTT-bordering-on-creepy-actually-maybe-crossing-the-line-a-bit, he can also be really sweet, it’s a mixed bag. I’m hoping he finds someone who can love him the way he deserves! (i’m lowkey starting to ship oomafumi tbh) (also lmao the pompadour grows on you)

Then, actually my favorite secondary character: THE KING

yES, that’s a chicken. No I will not say anymore, you’ll just have to see for yourself!

In conclusion PLEASE READ THIS MANGA AND FLAIL ABOUT IT WITH ME I AM SERIOUSLY DYING HERE, AND THE SCANS ARE 4 CHAPTERS BEHIND AND I CAN’T STAND MYSELF.

[capitainecorbeau]

So I just finished watching through a subtitled version of Dai Gyakuten Saiban and here’s some random disorganized thoughts because I’m really excited about it ! Oh, and spoilers !

-I really, really like Shu Takumi’s writing and storytelling over Takeshi Yamazaki’s. I can’t exactly put my finger over why yet (and it frustrates me), but it justs... I dunno, I connect to it a lot more ? I think it’s because the way he writes friendships feels very sweet and genuine. And I’m a sucker for good friendships. But I’m going to dig around more, because I really want to put words on why dai gyakuten saiban put a huge smile on my face while the games directed by Yamazaki kept rubbing me the wrong way.

-The animations and character design. Holy. SHIT. There is so mich attention to detail, they really took full advantage of the fact that the sprites are in 3D and they don’t have to draw every single pose. Every character feels distinct and unique, with their own little habits, gestures, and such. Like, they’re immediately recognizable just by the poses they strike. I had stars in my eyes every time, it was amazing ! Like, the example that stuck with me the most was actually Ryuunosuke’s (the protagonists) animations during his first trial. He’s unbelievably nervous, and they found so many fun ways to show it ! His eyes dart around wildly, he raises his hand before speaking, when he hits his desk he quickly looks at his hands like “oh shit ! that made more noise than expected !”. And you really see him change as the game progresses, you see him become more confident, less painfully strained, and he even starts imitating a certain someone (and, because the animations are unique to each character, it’s pretty obvious, even though nobody mentions it ! Show don’t tell done right !!).

-By the way, a quick aside, but they really did a great job portraying extreme nervousness ? Like, it’s not just the character going “I’m nervous” and maybe fumbling his words a few times, no, you see in his posture that he’s so tense it’s almost painful, he gets completely and utterly tongue-tied, or is barely comprehensible, is very easily startled, hyper aware of himself and what he’s doing/saying... They did a great job portraying how frustrating nervousness and anxiety can be. that’s the kind of attention to detail I love !

-Susato. SUSATO. i love her. I love how brave and confident she is, how clever, and I love her sens of humor (which involves a lot of slightly condescending concern). Honestly, I kinda wish she was the protagonist ? Like, don’t get me wrong, I really liked the actual protagonist, but it would’ve made just as much sense if it had been her, and it would’ve been very interesting !

-Sherlock Holmes is in this game and I think it’s my favourite portrayal of him ever. Honestly, when I first heard he was in the game I was very afraid he was going to be the classic “I can be a prick all I want because I’m a genius” trop that I despise, but I was wrong. Oh so wrong. Sherlock Holmes is a huge, massive dork. Legit almost every time he was on screen I was cryng with laughter. He’s cheerfully weird (he pops up in the background in ridiculous positions, sings his own theme song, is a huge dramaqueen, a lowkey troll), it’s like Papyrus from Undertale became a detective. And what I love is that he’s not infaillible ? Like, he gets stuff wrong. Often. he’s very quick-thinking and can deduce things in a blink, but he doesn’t really thinks things through and ends up completely off the mark. But when people correct him ? He welcomes it, is very happy when people offer to help, and once pushed in the right direction, he gets things right very quickly. I’ve seen people say that he pretends to get stuff wrong so Ryuunosuke can figure things out for himself, but I don’t really like that interpretation, personnally. Clever people get stuff wrong, and it doesn’t make them less clever. Honestly, having a character deduce things easily but getting stuff wrong is such a better way to show they’re smart than having them always guess everything right on the first try. Also, that way, we don’t get those weird parallel universes where only one person is ever capable of deductive reasoning (looking at you, AAI). Honestly, Holmes in DGS kinda reminded me of Basil from The Great Mouse Detective, only friendlier. I like interpretations that focus on making him a person rather than THE GOD OF DEDUCING AND SMARTNESS BETTTER THAT EVERYONE ELSE.

-Friendships. So many friendships. You can really feel that these characters care for each other and I love stuff like that. Ryuunosuke loves his friends so much and frankly, same.

-You know this game is very human ? Like, there’s a lot of grey morality, and good people doing misguided or plain wrong stuff, with reasons that make sense for them. Actually, there aren’t a lot of classic villains in this game. They tried some different stuff than usual and it turned out pretty cool ! And it kinda takes you offguard, because the first case is a textbook ace attorney case. the other... not so much.

-They kept the multiple-witness wross-examinations from Prof Layton vs Ace Attorney and I am so happy they did ! It makes the game’s world feel a lot more alive and real, with people existing even though you’re not focusing directly on them.

-On less starry-eyed notes, I really wish there were more women. And more women over the ripe age of 25. That’s a problem in every AA game, and I wish they got better about it.

-Also the prosecutor really, really grated on me. He’s extrememly abrasive, and, moreover racist (most of the english characters lowkey are, but he is really overt and blatant about it), but is never really called out on that because he has an excuse (which is actually also racist). It was to the point where I cringed everytime he opened his mouth.

Overall, I really, really liked it, and I wish I could’ve played it myself. I don’t completely get why it wasn’t localized, and I wish they’d do it eventually... though it seems hardly likely. Anyway, I’m starting the second one now !

[survivesalem]

Episode 2 - “AHAHAHAHAHA 😂 -screams -” -Jessie

My plan worked, mostly. Czern left and I felt bad but it’s survivor. Raffy (I believe it was Raffy at least) voted with Czern which I don’t like tbh. Raffy has a lil target on my back and I’m sitting pretty with me being the least likely to go home at this point on my tribe. 4D chess, I don’t play chess but it’s hot. I hope my tribe and Liam’s tribe don’t lose any more challenges so we can dominate. I miss Liam 🥺🥰.

Originally I'm from tengaged so the way a social game is played and how you communicate with people is really different. Unfortunately I'm bored with a lot of people on my tribe. Austin is someone I like... I want him to view me as someone new and someone who'll make a good sheep. I can kinda sense he's gonna be trouble in a way, he doesn't seem super trustworthy. Jessie is a big question mark for me. IDK where I stand with her but I think we can get along but I also think she feels comfortable. At first I didn't like Dylan all that much but now they're really rubbing off on me. Dylan stans Avatar, I stan Avatar so in my eyes Dylan is a good person. Paolo is super friendly, he's also new to the ORG community so I feel him & I could make a good duo. Zach is probably my favourite person on the tribe idk why I just feel a good energy from him and I like it so I feel like if Paolo, Zach & I could link up and form a tight 3 and just knock off someone like Jessie that would make me feel good. I really wanna prove myself with the scavenger hunt challenge I feel like I've done a lot with the challenge but I feel like I can do more so I'm ready and willing to fight to keep my tribe safe.

Omg okay so I never made one of these but I will right now! So basically I like my tribe. I know a few people on here and the other ones seem nice. I would LOVE to avoid tribal, as I think I am not in the *best* standing, but I think if I attend tribal I mayyyy be able to survive. I LOVE THAT THERE IS NO TWIST THANK FUCKING GOD. Here are my thoughts on my tribe: Brien - I have hosted Brien and he is super talkative 24/7. He is a great guy and I really want him to trust me, but I have heard he created an alliance without me. I think if I just have some more activity we might be in the clear w him. Eve- I LOVE EVE. I played with Eve in BBPokemon and they were an incredible force. I know they tend to be villainous and make a splash every season, but hopefully I can them on my side and I won't be at the receiving end of their chaos. Cameron - Don't know them and will hopefully make them the first boot. Gizmo- Awesome! They are super nice to talk to and I can tell they are a good ass player. I want to align with them on this tribe, but I am not that passionate about it. Keegan- I. LOVE. KEEGAN. Keegan is super a sweetheart and such a good guy. He is SO good at orgs and I want to go far with him. Def my #1 fav on this tribe!

UM HELLO TRIBE WHERE ARE YOU ? Legit only me and Liam are submitting for the scavanger hunt and the clock is tick tick ticking . Like guys we aren’t winning if only two people submit . Do they not realize two tribes go to tribal ? It’s literally as quiet as the movie the quiet place . On the bright side maybe me doing stuff for the tribe means they’ll keep me because wow I’m active !

Here's the problem: my tribe is half inactive. Ben and Alex truly do not give a fuck whether we win or lose. This means they will be very easy vote offs during this phase of the game, but I don't want to risk having to repeatedly go to tribal over and over again. I am starting to get frustrated. They are literally not responding to any of my messages at all. I've tried reaching out to Ben twice now, and he hasn't replied back to either of those messages. I am so sick of it. For Alex, I don't know what his problem is either. This tribe truly is cursed in part due to them all being men. I need a swap to happen soon so that I can actually be put on a competent tribe. I am terrified that we are going to lose the challenge because it doesn't even seem like Ben or Alex know that it's even going on. Ugh. I'm so over this.

This scavenger hunt has been fun. I was thankful to already own most of the items between my apartment and my parents house. What I didn't have I had to drive around to find. What gave me the most trouble was the Magic 8 Ball. I ended up finding a mini 8 ball that was fully functioning. Given that 2 tribes are going to tribal counsel, and the current state of our sheet, I'm pretty sure Good is going to tribal council. I hope I'm wrong! But hope for the best, prepare for the worst. I think I'm safe this vote. I seem to be in the majority so long as I can trust them. I just hope we are all loyal until at least tribe swap or merge, whatever happens first. If we go to tribal, I'm pretty sure Eve will be getting the vote, but who's to say.

I do not believe we are winning this challenge. But I don't think I'd be the one voted out in any case. Alex and Ben both seems like they're not even going to submit for the challenge, so I will just ride this tribe out until we get rid of the both of them. I predict that there is a swap after this round because then it will be 15 which is the perfect time to swap into 3 tribes of 5. If not, I believe that we'll go till 14 to swap into two tribes of 7. Then, we'll merge at 11. I predict that Mac, Jay, and I will be able to survive till swap, but I'm not sure how I could begin to survive a merge. Maybe if I'm put on a tribe with either Dylan, Paolo, or Austin. I can make a pull on pre-existing relationships, but I will definitely have to give up control to them.

My tribe is filled with people who never learned how to read rules properly. Alex really said "I didn't know I had to put them in a doc." Like,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, I am exhausted. Why can't people rise to my level? Is that too hard to ask? And! Alex said something in the tribe chat which means he's actively ignoring my messages and for why? This doesn't make any sense to me at all. Are they purposefully throwing their social games down the toilet? This is what I get for being on a tribe with all men.

There’s an hour left in the challenge. I feel like we have a chance but also think we will lose. I’m worried but I know if we go back to tribal I’m the least likely to go home. That’s king shit. ✌️😙

I am sad because I know Czern wouldn't have disappointed me like this. Jay told me that Mac or Alex allegedly said that Ben was good at challenges. Where is that? Such bullshit.

Also Alex really didn't even attempt the videos nor the high point items, huh? Ugh

Yay we flopped again x IM GETTING TRIGGERED FROM MY LAST SURVIVOR ORG!! Anyways. I am the swing vote without people realising which is hot. I’ve decided Ben needs to leave since he costed us the challenge by not submitting. I have to break it gently to Alex since he’s good mates with Ben. This also means people won’t see me as playing both sides. Woohoo. I’m not going home.

Ben is leaving because he didnt do the challenge and he doesn't talk to anyone and if Raffy wasn't on this tribe I honestly have no idea what I'd do. Pls swap soon thanks

WE WON AGAIN. wow I’m so proud of this tribe. I truly did not expect us to not go to tribal just because it’s a double tribal. Wow I’m just so proud of us. I feel like we are a very cohesive tribe too. We really vibe.

WE WON IMMUNITY *Happy dances* I feel really good about my tribe now! I really like Jessie now which I didn't think would happen but we've clicked finally. We made an agreement not to vote each other out for now. Zach is such a sweetheart and I love him. Paolo is a lil inactive because he's busy but I love his determination to contribute. Dylan is a literal fucking genius They are super intelligent and I'm so impressed. Austin is like a big ? for me if we lose I'll probably vote for him... I'm praying for a swap right now, I would like to meet new people and make more bonds before merge and then I can make some moves!

AHAHAHAHAHA 😂 -screams - so after me complaining a lil last confessional about my tribe being missing in action they came out of no where and we snagged the win. I’m currently vibing with Liam who seems to be as big of a book nerd as me . I love just finding people I get good vibes from . Still searching everyday for advantage items I’ll never stop looking for those because I never know when people will decide I’m no longer an asset. I will keep trying my hardest in each challenge 💕 we got this Tituba tribe . I’m lowkey proud of us all for snatching the win . Also my hair smells like milk I need to shower .

So we have to go to tribal I’m a little nervous bc there is always a chance you can go when you’re at tribal but it gives you the rush you crave. I have my 4 person alliance with Gizmo,Cameron and Keegan leaving Eve and Lukas in minority and I would love to stay loyal to it if they are loyal to it as well. I trust Gizmo he seems like a stand up guy Keegan seems sketchy but I trust him more then Cameron tbh. I know Gizmo has a good relationship with Lukas so I’m hoping he can keep Lukas from saying my name. I was wanting to Target Eve this tribal however I’m sure things are bound to get messy and with me and eves history she might just be petty and try to get the votes on me but I told her that if the vote is based on the challenge it should be Keegan and hopefully Keegan is the Decoy vote and gets 1 or 2 votes but ideally right now the 4 person alliance sticks together and votes Eve and Lukas can vote with us too so we can look unified and everyone can feel unified going into a potential swap. I’m gonna keep my options open come swap time bc the only person I trust 100 percent on this tribe is Gizmo idk if that’s his social game being so good but I don’t think he is playing me. So right now it’s looking like Eve will go but I’m sure if eve even has an inkling that she is getting votes then she will stir up trouble and I’m ready for trouble

Well everything has been super slow since we keep winning lol. I mean k love winning but it sometimes doesnt show where you stand really on your tribe. Jessie I trust 100% and I wanna work with liam and dylan too. I know zach paolo and dylan all know each other tho so I wanna break that up if I can before swap guess we will just have to see what happens after tribal

My alliance is voting out Ben. It is the easiest and least complex vote. I do not believe anyone would want to do anything else. It's really just that simple. I doubt this boy is even going to vote lmao

Tonight is first tribal. I hope everyone *sticks to the plan.* Eve is supposed to go home as far as I know. I had to lie to their face today....I don't like it. But! Its how the game is played. Its not personal, its drag.

[kayvsworld]

Could u convince be not to hate Steve 'Hypocrite' Rogers? I'm really trying not to hate him but whnever I think about anything to do with him I just get even angrier at him. MCU Steve is a repentless fuck up and I wanna know what u have to say about him? U don't seem like u hate him and u also love Tony so I figure u probably see stuff I'm not seeing and I wanna know what ;u; (mostly so I can stomach stony fics to widen my range of reading material) :p

steve rogers is a stubborn emotionally-constipated asshole. i also love him very very much. here are some post-cacw thoughts on why i still love him:

flawed characters are good, and the only reason we expect Perfection from This Particular Human Character is bc other people (and…the narrative….) put him on a pedestal. I can’t be mad at him for doing what he thought was the right thing, because as a fan of tony stark, i know that sometimes things that seem like a good idea at the time are maybe actually not always that great

issue: banking on the fact that your rich genius teammate and his team of lawyers will still get you and your friend out of a bad situation After you let him know that the friend in question murdered his parents a week before christmas and that you’ve lived in his house and looked him in the eye while Knowing Abt This for several goddamn years is uh. a v scary situation and potentially a bad plan for 19 reasons. prioritize the people you know are ride or die & cut ur losses

some people are emotionally constipated assholes who do their best and fail miserably,,,,To Cope™

ok but seriously have you ever had 6.3 billion Terrible Things happen to you in rapid succession, and then One More Thing comes along (to take away the only remaining thing in your life you can control and the only semblance of normalcy you have left) and you just. dig your heels in automatically and go “absolutely fucking not”

like i will personally bet you 5 canadian dollars that steve has been crossing his arms and glaring at the tv for months like “listen what else do they want us to do. we’re helping. we’re the good guys. they Have To See That we’re good people and we’re doing our best and we saved the world Come On if we just wait…maybe…….it will…..Be Fine without us having to do anything? maybe?” 

he’s been fighting to keep People™ safe for a While and it’s Apparently still not enough and he is probably tired and bitter and frustrated. also, last time he was working for/with a third party they turned out to be nazis and while i get that that 100% isn’t the same as a UN Panel (noT THE SAME, STEVEN) at some point you have to take a quote out of context, plant urself like a stubborn asshole tree, and say “actually no fuck you please just let me do the only thing that is giving my life meaning right now in a way that doesn’t make me feel trapped and afraid for myself and my team”

peggy (steve’s last connection to his life before waking up in the future) had just died, and bucky (steve’s surprise Actual last connection to his life before waking up in the future) has been having a Hell Time and is being targeted. sometimes when you find out your best friend has been brainwashed and tortured for 70 years, your bullshit meter maxes out and you (steve rogers, “fight me” personified) want to give the finger to anyone who wants to do absolutely else to that person. yes, getting him help was an option (the other option being some kind of prison?) but also, it still would have been someone else making that choice for bucky, and at some point yelling “can you please just leave him alone” with ur fists becomes a default reaction

as someone who regularly avoids things when i should really deal with them, i 100% believe that there is a large part of steve that genuinely thought he was protecting tony. sure, he was protecting himself and bucky, too, and he admits that openly, but i can buy that steve had been sitting on the couch for months listening to tony talk about Processing His Grief Through Technology and screaming internally like “would it truly and genuinely make it easier on this guy to know that his parents were brutally murdered by my friend and i’ve known abt it for 2 years when he’s still this messed up over it already oh my god”

the problems i have with a lot of steve’s choices really just come down to the film not giving him room to put up a legit argument. a lot of it was banking on me assuming that captain america & the team were correct bc they’re cap & the team in a captain america movie? if they had given steve a speech instead of a shitty letter, i’m sure i would have initially understood his side a lot better

some people are emotionally constipated assholes who do their best and fail miserably,,,,To Cope™ Part 2: The Letter

steve is not great at feelings. steve is not great at processing and expressing his feelings in a healthy way. steve is an all-or-nothing prickly bitch (see: every film he’s been in) and taking these excellent canon facts into account, i do actually genuinely believe that this dude forced himself to sit down while in hiding to write 12 different drafts of this letter by hand in cursive and eventually ended up with the monstrosity tony received

he can’t apologize for the accords situation, because he doesn’t think he’s wrong, so he can only apologize for hurting tony. “i’m not sorry for what i did but i’m sorry that it hurt you” is a shitty thing to read and say but i guess at least,,,he,,,was honest? steven why didn’t you get a friend to proofread this letter

by saying that the avengers are more tony’s family than his, he probably thinks he’s acknowledging that tony cares about them and was doing what he thought was best. im personally for my own sanity choosing to believe that.

“i’ve never really fit in” aka “okay i definitely didn’t talk enough about where i was coming from at all for the past few…..years….and this was the only draft that included my ‘i’ve been lowkey struggling’ admission and didn’t sound vaguely pathetic or directly mention my friend who involuntarily murdered your parents” 

this entire thing is actually imo a fairly decent “listen i know things are really messy right now and i hurt you and we’re both still upset, but here’s some effort on my part. if you ever need anything, here’s how you can contact me & i promise i will still drop everything to come help you with what you need” gesture considering the situation & time frame

anyway, steve for sure messed up with his approach to this and put a lot of people in danger, but as someone who is a fan of tony stark i have to take The Context into consideration and also understand that sometimes people do questionable things even while having the best intentions. it was a really rough situation and i think mr evans did a great job of showing steve emotionally shutting down and struggling for the past few films? i can see where he was coming from from an emotional standpoint, & bc of these and 130 other reach-y reasons including me just enjoying him as a person, i forgive him. it’s 2:30am this is so long oh my god

[stvrmwitch]

50 Bookish Questions Tag!

Thanks to @enogreads for tagging me :)

1. What is your favourite book and/or book series of all time?

All-time favorites are always a stretch for me because the books that matter most to me shift based on what I need at the time, but The Long Way to a Small, Angry Planet and We Are Okay are books that make me feel at home. And the child in me is saying, “don’t forget to mention the Wayside School books!” so you know, those too.

2. What is the longest book you have ever read? How many pages?

Maybe Deathly Hallows? gr says it’s 784 pages.

3. What is the oldest book you have ever read? (Based on its written date)

I don’t have a lot of interest in old books, but probably Gulliver’s Travels.

4. What is a book series that everyone else loves but you do not?

Divergent. Though my main frustrations are with the writing not the story I guess. Other than that I never caught onto the Percy Jackson train. Don’t hate it, just don’t love it. 

5. What book or book series would you like to see turned into a film/ TV series?

Ah yes. So many. Screenwriting is not something I’m pursuing but it’s a hobby, and everything I read gets the “could this be adapted” thought process. The Long Way to a Small, Angry Planet would make a perfect limited miniseries, but could also be serialized based on the concept. Beauty Queens would be great as anything from a musical to a tv show to a movie to a comic book tbh. Ramona Blue has a “shot over a long weekend with unknowns and maybe one biggER name star who’s also producing” indie vibe. Ditto for We Are Okay. The Song of Achilles should be a miniseries as well; one of those massive budget, A-list cast, premium cable shows. I could go on, but I’ll spare you.

6. What is your favourite stand-alone book?

Ari + Dante

7. What is a book that you feel glad for not reading?

None I can think of. 

8. What is a book that you feel guilty for not reading?

I feel somewhat guilty for not finishing The Dark Wife because it feels like I’m not showing wlw solidarity, but as much as I go hard for the concept, the execution was so disappointing to me.

9. What is a book you have read that is set in your country of birth?

Fun Home

10. What is a book that you own more than one copy of?

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone is the only one except for plays. Like I have Shakespeare anthologies plus some individual plays. And I have the off-Broadway and Broadway copies of Hedwig and the Angry Inch.

11. What horror book made you really scared?

I don’t read horror!

12. What book do you passionately hate?

Ok so I’m like passionately not impressed by this book that I’m also lowkey obsessed with. It’s not good. Elements are but overall I don’t like it. but I’m just so intrigued that I’ve read it multiple times and made a million notes. It’s Fated by S.G. Browne. Every time I hope it will be less not good and it never happens.

13. What is the biggest book series you have read? How many books are in it?

There’s no way it’s not Harry Potter.

14. What book gives you happy memories?

On the Banks of Plum Creek 

15. What book made you cry?

Y’all I cry so easily. The Song of Achilles tho...... sobbed.

16. What book made you laugh?

When Dimple Met Rishi is really sweet and pure and I’ve literally lol’d a few times.

17. What is your favourite book that contains an LGBTQ+ character?

Ramona Blue, currently. I’m also a big fan of The Sidhe.

18. Have you read a book with a male protagonist? What is it?

Lmao aren’t they all... um yeah idk I just looked over at my bookshelf and one of my new faves is Strange the Dreamer by Laini Taylor.

19. Have you read a book set on another planet? What is it?

A Princess of Mars by Edgar Rice Burroughs. (The Barsoom tales were, like, a thing for me after I was assigned that one in college.)

20. Have you ever been glad to not finish a series? Which?

Not really? I’m kinda keeping The Last Star at arm’s length because The 5th Wave was such a terrible movie and made my excitement for the series disappear. But I’m also trying to get over that because one shouldn’t necessarily impact enjoyment of the other.

21. Have you ever read a book series because you were pressured?

Probably the Hunger Games. I really wanted to get them read before the movie came out and I couldn’t avoid spoilers. Plus my college roommate was reading them at the same time so it was a good time to squee together. So pressured, but not in a bad way.

22. What famous author have you not read any books by?

Douglas Adams. Hitchhiker’s Guide has long been on my tbr but I’ve been itching to read it lately. 

23. Who is your favourite author of all time?

Oscar Wilde.

24. How many bookshelves do you own?

Just bought two last week, so now I have six.

25. How many books do you own?

dont make me admit that. More than I’ve ever properly budgeted for, let’s say that.

26. What is your favourite non-fiction book?

Save the Cat! My interest in screenwriting led me to it, but it’s a really useful tool for novelists as well and anybody telling stories.

27. What is your favourite children’s/middle-grade book?

Hmmm... The Little Prince perhaps.

28. What is your next book on your TBR?

My library hold for Modern Romance by Aziz Ansari just came through this morning, so I’m going to get to that when I finish When Dimple Met Rishi.

29. What book are you currently reading?

When Dimple Met Rishi. So good. So sweet. And it features a girl in STEM wow amazing five stars for that.

30. What book are you planning on buying next?

Noooooooo. I just spent so much last week, and now that I’m apartment hunting, no more books. Tragic.

31. What was the cheapest book you bought?

There’s a great used bookstore in Boston with an outdoor bargain area and I think I’ve picked up stuff for $3 and under.

32. What was the most expensive book you bought?

Alright. Y’all already might’ve peeped me revealing that back in the day I was superwholock garbage. WEll. I have this “The Essential Supernatural: On the Road with Sam and Dean Winchester” donkey ass book that is $50 and I probably got a little discount but still paid really close to that amount.

33. What is a book you read after seeing the movie/ TV series?

Big Fish. I’m genuinely astounded that that movie came from that book. Like, the leaps from page to screen y’all. 

34. What is the newest book you have bought?

these are all the books I bought at B&N last week

35. What three books are you most looking forward to reading this year?

Radio Silence, The Strange Case of the Alchemist’s Daughter, and The Princess Diarist.

36. What is a book you love that has a terrible trope? (Love triangle, etc)

Ugh this is such a good question and here I am drawing a total blank.

37. Have you read a book in a different language? What was it?

Only some basic Spanish books when I took classes in middle and high school. Though my niece is in a bilingual program and brings home a lot of books with English and Spanish versions.

38. What is a book you’ve read that is set in a time period before you were born?

Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen 

39. What book offended you?

WE ARE OKAY. ARE WE, NINA? ARE WE OKAY? nOPE

‘kay but I genuinely was offended because Dunkin’ Donuts coffee is compared to diner coffee and legit like.... no???????? Dunks never did nothin’ to you and ur rly gonna come for it like that??? ok, Nina. ur wrong, but ok.

40. What is the weirdest book you have read?

Uhhh. Yet again, she draws a blank!

41. What is your favourite duology?

Isn’t Strange the Dreamer meant to be a duology? The second book’s not even out and that’s my favorite.

42. What is your favourite trilogy?

Answering this question, I’m realizing that I haven’t read many trilogies in my life. Definitely The Hunger Games though. I just gorged myself on all three during a weekend-long summer storm.

43. What book did you buy because of its cover?

Wuthering goddamn Heights. I don’t even like that book, but the cover was phenomenal and I was like ok yeah Camille, let’s fkn do it

44. What is a book that you love, but has a terrible cover?

Aww that’s mean. I can’t think of any. I usually go for pretty covers and forget the rest. But I have the edition of Radio Silence with the cover I like less if that counts?

45. Do you own a poetry anthology? What is your favourite poem from it?

I don’t have an appreciation for poetry, sorry! I do own anthologies because I majored in English and had a writing concentration, but that’s literally the only reason I have them: they were assigned. So no favorite.

But since that seems lame and I haven’t been asked about short stories, I have a favorite from the 2013 Pushcart Prize XXXVII: Best of the Small Presses. It’s called “Juniper Beach” by Shannon Cain and it’s so wonderful. Really tight narrative woven together with zero snags along the way.

46. Do you own any colouring books based off other books?

Nope. Really wanted the Fantastic Beasts one but my wallet said ho don’t do it and for once, I listened.

47. Do you own any historical fiction?

I do not own any, but -and this feels totally like someone else’s memories- when I was a teen, I was all over Harlequin historical romance books oh my god.

48. What book made you angry?

See #39. I put that book down for weeks over it and told everyone I knew about the slanderous lies within.

49. What book has inspired you?

Paint It Black and White Oleander both make me want to be that good of a writer. 

50. What book got you into reading?

Honestly my mother got me into reading, not any particular book, though imma single one out in a moment. Like my mom has literally never gone a day that I’ve been alive not spent reading. She got me started at the library young and I read my way through the whole children’s section. The Boxcar Children and the Baby-Sitter’s Club books were a big draw. And the one I’m singling out is On the Banks of Plum Creek which was a library discard. I read and reread that one about a million times. I’d loved books and reading but I’d never feasted on a book before that one. I never read the Little House series, my obsession was limited to that one book.

I’m tagging: @ozzery, @anassarhenisch, @midnightinkspill, @mariedtofiction, @rawr-booklover  @booksandsweettea, and @thewizard-ofbooks

As usual, if you’re tagged please feel no pressure to play! And if you’re not tagged and you wanna play, please go forth and do so!

[anghraine]

So, my sister wanted to watch ANH, and I’m a noble and selfless big sister (:P) and agreed. It’s been ... at least a year? 

Impressions this time:

- ANH is really a magnificent film, just in terms of how everything comes together and how completely balanced the different elements are. It is what it is—a fancy Western-meets-Kurosawa fairy-tale space opera—and instead of trying to ~transcend~ its origins, it embraces them and goes for executing them at peak quality. Overwhelmingly it succeeds. I think that’s really its strength among the SW movies: it’s not the most ambitious, it’s not the most creative, it’s not the most inspiring, but it is the most cleanly, evenly executed, the one that succeeds most completely and unambiguously at the kind of thing it is.

- I definitely think the TFA=ANH thing is overblown. They’re very different movies with very different characters. The only exceptions are 1) the cantina and 2) the trench run. Speaking of which, the cantina scene remains spectacular. (And the trench run! My God.)

- Rogue One fits in REALLY WELL, while also feeling like an even more profoundly dissimilar film. But it really felt like it picked up right where RO left off. Like a lot of people, I was cackling at Leia’s sheer gall in her “???? HOW DARE” at Vader. Unfortunately, the near-seamlessness had me completely convinced that RO just happened and so I was like “wow, okay, Vader just took off after Leia and Jyn and Cassian just died WAIT WAIT ABORT MISSION DIDN’T HAPPEN BYYYYE”

- I thought the criticisms of RO!Tarkin were overblown (tbh I tended to think that a lot of them tended to forget how uncanny valley Tarkin is to begin with), and that’s also only more cemented. He seemed absolutely like the same person. I also don’t think I noticed before how ... bored? he seems with a lot of it. Like, Vader thinks the Death Star is shit but is gung-ho about Doing Empire Things and Victory!!! while Tarkin tends to be more “eh.” Gets a kick out of puppy-kicking Tuesday, though.

- I know it’s been litigated to hell and back, but the SE additions are in nearly all cases very jarring. (OTOH, going back and updating the terrible 70s computer graphics would have been a very feasible choice!) Similarly, I know it’s stale and everything, but the suggested backstory does seem very different from what we get in the prequels; I kept finding myself mentally working to make it fit. 

- If it’s possible, I feel even more strongly than before about how wrongwrongwrong the soft, fluffy, sunshiny!Luke* thing is. Despite his streak of fatalism, he’s also almost invariably confident—sometimes to the point of braggadocio, but in most cases in fact correct. His goals are largely heroic, but he is far and away the most purely pragmatic of the main trio. He’s incredibly naive, but also resourceful; almost all the actual ideas for what to do come from him, and in most cases in a single moment. When Han snaps that “he’s the brains,” I don’t think he’s actually being sarcastic (though obviously he’s being annoyed). Luke is the idea guy, Han is the shooting things guy (which both find frustrating on occasion). Luke combines a streak of earnest gentleness with very frequent abrasiveness. He’s very much Leia’s brother.

(...on that level.)

- Han is incredibly brash and reckless! Sometimes hilariously so. I continue to love the scene where he runs from stormtroopers only to run into WAY MORE stormtroopers and just runs away screaming. He’s interesting because he’s not at all a comic relief character, but he does actually have a lot of it. I think it contributes to his lovability.

- Threepio and Artoo’s relationship remains the cutest, omg. And how did I forget Artoo’s built-in fire extinguisher??

- HELLO WALL-E

- LEIA LEIA LEIA LEIA

- There’s a gifset about how Leia is the only person unafraid of Vader, and I actually disagree. She quite plainly is afraid of him, IMO, quite naturally in the torture scene and then when she backs into him to get away from Tarkin. She just doesn’t let it govern her will or conduct even a little bit. <3

- I remain convinced that all probability is that Vader argued against the destruction of Alderaan, though not for any heroic reasons. I also remain creeped-out by Tarkin’s behaviour towards Leia accompanied by his genuine shock that she would lie to him. Vader is just “duh????” 

- I’ve also noticed it before, but it never ceases to amuse me: when Luke and Leia scream at Han about shooting in the compactor, they sound exactly the same. 

- Luke is the one who thinks to shoot out the cameras in the detention center.

- Obi-Wan’s lightsaber is the proper shade of blue, but Luke’s/Anakin’s has been left at greenish for some reason.

- ROBOT IS A CANON WORD

- I also think criticisms of the Obi-Wan/Vader duel are overblown. It’s a very different style, which seems odd, but ... looks like pretty normal fencing to me? A bit slower than Vader vs Luke in ESB, but that’s what you’d expect. I definitely got the feeling that Vader was drawing it out for maximum enjoyment, lol, but could have ended it at any moment.

- I love Threepio, but I find Chewie super irritating, sorry.

- Leia and Luke are so pretty!!!!

- Han’s snark about “female advice” remains as “well, fuck you, Han” as ever. I’m also not a huge fan of him going on about how he doesn’t care about the revolution or about her, considering that he knows perfectly well that she just saw her planet wiped out. How Jyn trying to survive is worse than this is just ?????

- Nevertheless, ANH Han is by and large my favourite Han. He’s genuinely charming, while his pseudo-devil-may-care is just ... aww, here’s your YOU TRIED star. Setting the implied incest aside, the back-and-forth with Luke about Leia is super cute. I also love the “no reward is worth this,” haha, along with “either I’m going to kill her or I’m starting to like her.”

- If I didn’t know better, I would definitely have thought Harrison and Carrie’s affair was during ESB, not ANH. The UST seems much less intense here (definitely present, but in a more lowkey, adorkable sort of way). 

- Luke and Leia both seem to feel this irrational, near-immediate bond. They tend to pair off and Leia flips out when he’s pulled underwater as much as Luke did when he realized she was scheduled for execution. Luke tends to back her when she’s pissed at Han or ignore it altogether. I also think it’s kind of ... sweet isn’t the word, exactly, but when Luke gives Leia the blaster to cover him while he gets his swinging cord out, he doesn’t seem to have the slightest doubt about her capabilities. And she doesn’t seem to doubt that he’ll be able to carry her with one arm across the BOTTOMLESS PIT OF DOOM. 

- That’s also there in the celebration scene; with Han there’s the UST with his wink + her I’M PUTTING ON MY PRINCESS FACE NOW, while with Luke he grins at her and she grins back, like they’re kids together. (Also, I think, a reason the twin retcon—while certainly awkward at points—works more than not. It's much more about this easy natural camaraderie they have than anything else. They’re bros before they were bros!)

- Leia actually isn’t certain if the plans will show a weakness or not, which suggests 1) she wasn’t told Jyn’s full testimony, or 2) she’s not at all sure about it either. 

- People generally seem to treat the Imperial Senate as a legit concern—not just Leia, but many of the Imperial officers, and Vader himself takes care to create a smokescreen to keep them from realizing what happened to Leia. The OT is not much for politics, but I suspect the abrupt dissolution of the Senate might have contributed to the expanded Rebellion of ESB and ROTJ.

- Even here, though, the Rebellion does seem very well-funded, and Han’s reward appears to be no problem at all. Also, everyone rides around on little carts.

- Luke totally knew Obi-Wan already and I am personally very doubtful that it took just a few hours or a day to get to Alderaan. Think: Leia supposedly caves about the Dantooine base right before Alderaan’s destruction (i.e., after Han&Co go into hyperspace). The Empire sends a contingent to Dantooine from Alderaan, who find and search the abandoned base, and send a report back. I definitely don’t think that’s something that in its entirety would be handled in a day. 

(I always get a sense with the OT—and RO—that we’re seeing snapshots of a wider story, with plenty going on in the empty spaces that’s just not critical, or which can be inferred from what we do see. Luke’s bit with the remote is clearly not his only interaction with Obi-Wan on the trip, say; it’s just a representative bit we see that coincides with the destruction of Alderaan. I think it’s part of the reason it’s compelling in a very fannish way, even though I have very very few issues with the series as-is; normally I get really fannish about things that are super compelling but have a lot of issues I feel the need to address. SW, though, manages to provide those spaces where I want to fill in the blanks, but as a form of storytelling rather than faultlines.)

- Aww, it’s for little children! also have you noticed that one of the charred skeletons at the homestead is contorted weirdly

- I love Carrie’s low voice

- the development of Artoo and Threepio’s relationship is not something I’ve really noticed before, but I was genuinely touched this time? They’re friends, clearly, but they start out at this snappish, intolerant place and Threepio gets increasingly more and more concerned and less selfish. He manages to look devastated when Luke shouts that Artoo is down and then when he offers his own gears and circuits for Artoo, it’s just... awwwww. (Also when they ask Luke if he wants a less beat-up droid and he’s NO WE’VE BONDED. Luke <3 <3)

- Alec Guinness, whatever his private feelings, does a really great job with Obi-Wan as this shrewd, tricky mentor with a deep sense of ambivalence. I think it’s part of the reason the retcon works so well; his behaviour seems entirely credible as someone who’s lying. I also think his :| at Han is pretty hilarious? He’s just seriously?? so much of the time.

- The whole deal with the parsecs was obviously meant to be stupid bragging from Han. There’s no need for an explanation; Obi-Wan and Luke’s faces are both like “...sure, bro.” 

- Even the damn summary of the title crawl on the back was like T_T

The Jedi Knights have been exterminated and the Empire rules the galaxy with an iron fist. A small group of Rebels have dared to fight back by stealing the secret plans to the Empire’s mightiest weapon, the Death Star battle station. The Emperor’s most trusted servant, Darth Vader, must find the plans and locate the hidden Rebel base. [etc]

*sob*

But, just incidentally, there is never the slightest indication given that the team of spies didn’t actually make it out of their mission or that there’s any particular tragedy around the first!!!! victory!!!!!!! They’re never explicitly pointed out, but there also isn’t any occasion for doing so; we don’t see anyone outside the purely military arm. No senators beyond Leia (who’s only there to bring the plans, and had originally intended to go to Alderaan anyway), no Mon Mothma, no operatives of any kind beyond soldiers, pilots, and commanders. It looks like they evacuated everyone else, so even if the Scarif mission had gone precisely according to plan and like 75% of them made it out, there’s no reason for them to show up in ANH anyway. But yeah, basically all we know is that the team that recovered the plans was a small and brave one affiliated with the Rebellion.

*feel free not to remind me that the sun is powerful and dangerous. this is a metaphor

[myaekingheart]

Had more bizarre dreams again. One last night which was perhaps the weirdest, and then four a few nights back that I jotted down but never actually got to documenting. I’ll start with last night’s, though, since it’s still fresh in my mind.

Night of 6/9: *Also: It is very, very important to note that this was 90s Hugh Grant we are talking about here. That’s crucially important. I had a dream about Hugh Grant which hasn’t happened in ages and is the bulk of why this was so goddamn fucking uncomfortable. In the dream, he owned this really fancy movie theater and he had this really luxurious apartment. I remember being in the apartment before anything. Everything was black and dark wood and glass, very sleek and sophisticated. I remember roaming around trying to figure out where the fuck I was meant to go. I think I was trying to find the bathroom, and I found one but he was inside of it so I walked around and found another door into a bathroom at the other end of the hallway, only to find that it was a second door into the same bathroom. I was about to walk inside but then I saw him standing there with his back turned to me (and a flash of his ass oh dear god) and quickly retracted my decision. I don’t remember every single specific thing but there was another scene in the bedroom. Nothing sexual, but he had a large bed with a dark wood bed frame, and it was overlooking this giant movie screen. I was about to climb into bed with him and who I swear had to be Jan from The Office when I realized I still had my contacts in and had forgotten to pack my eye care stuff. It wasn’t forgetting my glasses that was a problem so much as not having anything to put my contacts into was. I expressed this to them which then prompted Jan to tell me that she had a spare contact case and some contact solution I could borrow, so I thanked her and went back into the bathroom to remove my lenses. After that, the scene shifted and suddenly I was walking around the lobby of the movie theater downstairs with Hugh Grant. He was talking about it saying stuff I wasn’t really paying attention, because all I could think about was how deathly terrified I was as I have always taken issue with movie theaters and these were, quite frankly, something else. The hall leading into every theater was sloped with bright, obnoxious lights on the ceiling and big double doors and it overall looked like a classic Hollywood death trap, honestly. But I couldn’t fight it. He pulled me into one of the movie theaters and I was stunned. It was huge. The ceilings were ginormous, the screen was ginormous, the seats were weird. There were padded benches in the first two rows and then I guess regular seats in the back. A fat woman in the first row looked at me while the trailers were playing and said something like “The fuck are you scared for? It’s just a big room with a screen” in this rude, gravelly, mouth-full-of-popcorn voice. After this everything kind of started to fade out but I was left with the crawling, unnerving feeling of being in Hugh Grant’s realistic dream presence. I feel like to fully understand the scope of why this is so weird for me requires some backstory. Hugh Grant was, like, my first crush for absolutely no goddamn reason. I don’t even know how the fuck it happened but I was legit three or four years old and I guess I must’ve seen him in a movie or something? I remember going to the library and checking out his movies, like 9 Months (because I also had a fascination with pregnancy and childbirth as a kid—still lowkey do) and Notting Hill. I was embarrassed about it, like when my mom connected the dots she used to tease me by mimicking him saying “oopsie daisy” in Notting Hill and I would fucking freak the fuck out. I had this very distinct dream as a child, too, where I was in a white, brightly lit room like a dressing room and I met him and he towered over me and I was so unnerved and just everything about anything Hugh Grant just…I cannot function not so much because I still think he’s attractive but because that childhood panic and weirdness is still there. Because let’s face it, when you’re three or four and you get your first crush, or at least if you’re anything like me, it’s this weird sensation where you think you’re legitimately sick and every time you look at this person, you feel this bizarre and uncomfortable feeling where you think you’re simultaneously going to explode like a firework and vomit everywhere. So yeah, because of the childhood bullshit, everything and anything Hugh Grant just brings back all of that unpleasantness and it’s gotten to the point where if he’s ever in a movie that my mom happens to turn on at any point or whatever, that sensation immediately floods back and I have no choice but to leave the room and hide until it’s all over because I just cannot fucking handle it. So yeah, this dream was…I feel like I need a shower to wash off all this mucky, uncomfortable feeling but at the same time feel like I’m gonna feel watched if I get naked, if we’re gonna be blunt about it.

EDIT: Because I am a self sadistic prick and decided to look at trailers of Hugh Grant movies now, everything makes a little more sense because for some goddamn reason, yesterday or the day before I could not get this quote of “I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to love her” out of my head and I could not for the fucking life of me remember where it was from but now I know and I’m kicking myself because apparently my subconscius knew and decided this was probably the best way to remind me so there’s that. That’s real fucking fun. Thanks, brain. Appreciate you, too.

At least my dreams from the other night were far palatable, if not also a little strange.

Night of 6/6 Dream Number One: I was in the frozen food section of a generic grocery store, probably a Walmart. There was a kid having a temper tantrum on the floor about orange juice, I think? I don’t know, this is not the first time I have dreamt this exact same scene before so I’m pretty sure that’s what it was. I walked away with my cart, and on a display shelf where there should’ve been clothes (because it was the clothes section), instead there was a shitty taco making station with weak heat lamps, questionable ground beef, rubbery soft taco shells, and just plain shredded cheese. There was hardly anything there, as in people had eaten most of it, so it’s a mystery as to why they were drawn to something so disgusting. Like damn, if you want tacos that badly just go through the drive-through at Taco Bell.

Dream Number Two: This was the weirdest of the four dreams. I was in a large room with windows all along the one wall and a long row of yellow pleather recliners facing the aforementioned windows. They were those old recliners with uncomfortable metal frames and yellowing padding that’s poking through scars in the fabric from having been used for so many years. Like the kind of thing you see in the booths of old diners. My boyfriend was laying on one, and I was either sitting or standing next to him. There were dust particles floating in the air, and everything was tinted a moldy yellow. It’s presumed this was supposed to be part of some of dingy hospital because I distinctly remember my boyfriend was there for asthma, and they kept having to hook him up to breathalyzers like when he was in the hospital for real a few months back. On the recliner next to him was a small blonde kid, I think it was a boy in blue denim overalls, who was autistic. There were a handful of women standing nearby I guess trying to give him speech therapy, urging him to say the word “charm.” They were repeating it over and over again, slowly, putting emphasis on every sound in the word so it came off almost foreign. The kid, however, was not having it. He was squirming and kicking and screaming, he wanted nothing to do with any one of them or anything. I think at one point my boyfriend leaned over and said something to him and maybe he calmed down a bit? I don’t know. All I remember is that at one point during all this commotion, my boyfriend started freaking out, not in the “I’m so frustrated with this kid” way which would’ve been far better but the “My body is going into shock and I’m on the verge of death” way like he started spluttering and his body started seizing and I started panicking and screaming and doctor’s started running over and it was quite frankly a ginormous mess and I’m insanely shocked and horrified thinking back on it.

Dream Number Three: This one is simple and stupid. I dreamt that I was in my bathroom with my childhood best friend and we were standing in front of the mirror getting ready. I just remember standing there as we were talking, watching her straighten her hair and babble endlessly about God knows what and thinking to myself, “Damn, some people really don’t ever change.”

Dream Number Four: This last dream was perhaps the second weirdest of the night. I was on the same college campus as I’ve seen in previous dreams, especially in the dream I had the night before this one (where I was met with someone strongly resembling an old friend on a bench waiting for the bus). This time, however, I was in an auditorium style classroom and I was freaked. Because, as you can probably guess, auditoriums give me the same anxiety that movie theaters tend to. So basically, you can’t take me anywhere. But anyways, I grabbed a seat at the back of the room which was the highest up you could go but also the closest to some glass double doors and had an overhanging ceiling that was at average height, both of which helped to ease my discomfort a bit. I was there for a final exam, which didn’t help the nerves. There was a kid there sitting nearby, maybe one row in front of me, who I cannot stop associating with the word Kanye, like my brain as it was narrating all of this (as it sometimes tends to in my dreams) said he was a former classmate I had in real life who resembled/was like Kanye West. I have never had a classmate like Kanye West, unless my brain is vaguely referring to a kid from middle school whose only resemblance is probably skin color, diction, and weed, but still. Either way, there was a kid “Kanye” in the row in front of me and for some reason, he handed me this squishy eyeball replica. It reminded me of this one that I got as a kid at Disney World. I was outside the Haunted Mansion and I had walked into a pole and bonked my head really hard. A nearby street vendor noticed and gave me a free squishy eyeball toy as big as my fist to help me feel better because I was three years old wailing and screaming and in pain. The eyeball in my dream was basically exactly like that, except more like a real eyeball in manufacture but not size. I remember sitting there pulling it apart while I was waiting for the exam to start. I think it was the lens that I reached, or whatever that small, hard, marble-like thing in your eye is (or maybe this is different for humans considering the only experience I have with dissecting eyeballs is in the form of a squid) that I began pressing in my hand, into my palm and between my fingers, and in a way it almost helped me feel calmer. Which is really morbid now that I think about it. Like yeah, sure, this makes total sense: “I’m feeling anxious so I’m gonna start squeezing this piece of eyeball around in my hand so I can feel better!” Like no, Amanda, shut the fuck up, that’s disgusting. But that’s also where this dream ended so I guess I’m leaving this on a morbid note, then. Oh well?

[athleisure-aesthetic]

This is a long post because I went on a few rants, but there are workouts and stuff in there, I promise ;) stay tuned for commentary on vanity sizing and non-scale victories!

April 13 Thursday’s workout was super speedy. Legs and a quick stretching NTC workout. I meant to do curtsy lunges to finish it out, but I was crunched for time and my legs were already burning from the seasaw lunges and step-ups because my bench was higher than a normal one would be. I always get kind of frustrated when my NTC workout ends up being a lowkey stretching one, because I use it to replace cardio for the day. I’m starting to think I should either do more than one or just do cardio anyway. At least I got in a nice half hour walk at lunch; it was much colder than I was expecting since the rest of this week has been so nice! Still pretty out tho. And my skull shirt is badass. The end.

Went to Whole Foods with Ani when I got home to get some goodies for the weekend, and really stuck to my list (which I was proud of, bc that store is a literal TRAP) which included chocolate milk as a post-workout fuel… ASK ME HOW HYPE I AM TO START DRINKING CHOCO MILK AGAIN!!! (very. obviously.) Also started growing a mini protein bar collection because now I’m terrified of not properly fueling post-workout, so now I’m going to have very little excuse not to, since these babies are extremely portable. Just throw one in ya workout bag, and there you go. Don’t even have to remember to get it from my lunch box. I’m finally trying RXBAR and a few Quest Bar flavors (shoutout to @runningwhilenotdying for the suggestion, ty girl!) for now, in addition to the Luna Protein bars I still have. Still going to have to try a few to find out which works best for me.

Legs / butt workout 3x each 15 reps weighted glute bridges, 10# 15 reps goblet squats, 10# 20 reps step ups, alt. sides, 10# 20 reps seasaw lunges, alt. sides 15 reps weighted lying leg curls, 6# 40 s wall sits 10 reps burpee + high jump alternating leg swing stretches instead of curtsy lunges bc I’m a wimpy bitch lol

Listening to: “Under You” by Nick Jonas

April 14 Today is the day John Mayer’s full album is out, something I realized halfway through Friday morning while working from home, so I blasted the FUCK out of it in my apartment and haven’t stopped listening since. Ani took the day off, so it was just me at home designing, which is literally what I wish every work day of my life could be. Making my own schedule, eating and working out whenever I want and not having to worry about when I’m going to finish, not having to talk to people lol.

I decided to workout around 11ish and had to do arms / upper body without weights, which was a bit challenging considering my weak wrists and lack of free weights. BUT I made it, and my wrists weren’t ded afterwards, so I guess I’m building up some strength? Plus check out my schweaty knees, aren’t they purty? It was a dec workout, so hype it. HOWEVER, in the middle of my last set, this awful ringing started in my apartment, which I identified as the fire alarm after panicking for like 2 seconds. Then there was this weirdo announcement in our hallway as if we were in a damn dorm, saying to evacuate asap so I was like o fuck ok let me get my things. Ran outside with my purse and a jacket, ran into the woman who legit hates me and Ani for being loud on the weekend two whole times (fuck her tho it was a Friday and Saturday at like 11pm get your panties out of your ass amirite) and she was like idk what’s going on I’m probably not going downstairs. I was like ????? um if there’s a fire I’m not dying so bye. So I ran down 8 flights of stairs to find no one in the lobby. Sick. It was a false. Alarm. Bc they’re doing construction right in front of the elevators. Motherfuckers. So I had to go back up 8 flights of stairs once I got the approval from the doorman. Thx for the cardio break, how’d you know I needed that? 🙄 Finished my set, worked for a bit longer, then showered and decided I was done working for the day lol.

It was pay day and I was bored so I kinda went a little nuts on a shopping trip. As usual, I mostly bought athleisure, buuuuuuuuuuut there are some significant things about this shopping trip that I must share.

1: I willingly purchased two pairs of athletic shorts. I do not wear anything but leggings to workout in, because I hate the way my legs look, and I usually feel much more mobile and flexible in leggings, even if it’s like 90 degrees out and July. But I tried on two pairs of black shorts, and could actually see myself not only wearing them like to bed, but like… doing active things in them, and being ok with seeing my legs. First #NONSCALEVICTORY o the day.

2: I not only willingly tried on a one piece bathing suit, I tried on two, AND I purchased one. Every person alive knows too well the personal torture of trying on bathing suits, especially in dressing rooms that have awful fluorescent lighting that does not flatter anyone. But for some reason I was in a good mood about my bod (perhaps after the shorts win), so I grabbed two suits and said to myself, fuck it, don’t feel bad about yourself, but do not get your hopes up. This could go great, or it could not. Don’t let this be a reflection of how hard you’ve been working. It might just not fit, that’s not your fault. BUT THEY BOTH FIT REALLY DECENTLY OK. The one was like bright red and v scandalous and tbh I did not have the boobs to fill out that sucker. So despite it fitting ok, I couldn’t go with it. But the other was stripey and rouchey and pretty comfortable, so I was like welp. I need at least one suit for the summer, and can’t picture myself using any of the ones from last summer, and I don’t feel like total crap in this. So. I bought it!

3: I purchased at least one thing of every size (S, M, L, and XL), which proves that sizing is fake and literally doesn’t fucking matter. I like all my tops a little baggy and all of my bottoms tight (except those shorts I ended up getting, but who knew I would even buy shorts…). That’s just my personal preference style-wise. I went to four different stores, and ended up getting clothing that fit me, but when I was ripping the tags off when I got home, I noticed that all the sizes were different. I bought a shirt from Uniqlo (AMAZING STORE, btw, never been before today) that was a size small, which is something I haven’t done in like literally maybe 7-8 years. I also bought a cropped sweatshirt from Marshall’s in XL, even though I thought it was a large when I bought it. Either way, it’s not like my body morphed mid-shopping trip. I was the same size all day, but the stores decided I was all over the place. This just makes me a, hate the fashion industry for forcing this imaginary 00 system and ideals of size-shaming on us, but also b, feel better about myself because I know that I can’t be reliant on just being one size. I used to think of my weightloss in terms of pants sizes. Like last Friday when I was wearing actual pants, they were 12s. But like. A 12 at one store could be a 16 at another, or an 8. I used to say, oh I just want to be down to a consistent 8. That would be the perfect amount of weight to lose. If I get there, I’ll know that I’m good. But I’m really starting to see that that number and that size doesn’t exist. There is no universe in which an 8 at every store will fit the same. So judging yourself on a system that’s literally impossible to fit into is just a recipe for hurt and shame. So now I’m just gonna grab any size that looks like it’ll fit. It’s still not fun to see a higher number, but that’s going to be a mindset I have to get myself out of, and this post is proof that it doesn’t matter. I want to base my happiness with my fitness on phyiscal progress: what I can DO with my body, not just how it looks in the clothes I inevitably have to wear. But today, for a few reasons, I felt really good, and I’m proud to have seen not only one, but a few non-scale wins. Hype it the FUCK up.

Whew. That was a lot, sorry. I almost feel like a doing a ~haul~ like I’m on some fashion youtube channel, I bought so many fun things. But whatever, I doubt anyone cares about that except me lolol.

Honestly sometimes I think I just like to buy some things because I’m happy they fit me, not because I need them or are in love with them. Is that weird? I feel like I’m a pretty specific shape (very short and curvy, but not curvy everywhere), so when I find something I actually think fits me, I usually just say, yeah I’ll wear this. I definitely am spending too much money that way, but it’s nice to feel like a lot of things are fitting me well for once.

Arms / upper body workout 3x each 20 reps shoulder taps, alt. sides 10 reps pushups 20 reps walk outs + twist, alt. sides 10 reps tricep dips 50 reps arm circles forward 50 reps arm circles backward 20 reps lat pull downs + shoulder squeeze 35s, 40s, 45s plank 10 reps decline push ups 10 reps burpee + high jump + 5 jumping jacks PLUS 8 flights of stairs when my fucking fire alarm went off and the elevator didn’t work 🙃

Listening to: “Burlesque” by Christina Aguilera OR the Voices in Your Head a cappella version, both are fun

April 15 I was hella nervous for my run today; 6 miles seemed like a lot to me, and after last week’s long run on the treadmill, it had been a while since I’d done a long one outside. The last time I finished a long run outside, I felt like death. So this time I wanted to be really prepared; I read some articles and youtube videos on how to run longer without like dying, and made sure to focus on my breathing and warmup. Once I left my apartment, I didn’t start my timed run for about 10ish minutes but still ran slow to get my legs ready. Then I did some of the moves from the videos, and set off. Today I went towards the art museum and Kelly Drive for the first time, which was definitely busy for a Saturday morning, but it was kinda gray out and mid-50s which is like perfect running weather. I felt really good for like literally the whole run, and I couldn’t tell if it was the new place, good music, or what, but I was surprised at how quickly the miles came and went. I stopped at 4.56 miles to take the picture in front of the art museum, walked briskly up the hill to the building, then ran the rest of the way on the rest of the Schuykill River Trail and back towards home. I finished a little ways away from home and was inspired by a boy who seemed to be blind or albino who was running with a small leash with a girl, and continued jogging all the way home. So I really totalled something like 7.10 miles and they felt GREAT which is INSANE for me. Like that’s so many miles. And I haven’t run that far in so long, and they actually felt GOOD??? Like who am I?

I rewarded myself with a cinnamon roll protein shake, a little more shopping (I ended up getting the black Nike Tanjuns for anyone who saw my post last night lol), and Chick-Fil-A nuggets for lunch. Was considering making this day a cheat day when I saw the Chick-Fil-A, but I was good and only got the nuggets. My resolve was tested when I saw a girl with a Rita’s cup right when I got home and I wanted to be like OMG GIRL WHERE IS THERE A RITA’s AROUND HERE???!??! But clearly I held myself back.

Guess that means more Easter chocolate for me tomorrow hayyyyyy

6.02 mi 10'20" min / mi

Listening to: “Hair” by Little Mix

[panic-in-tarir]

One year in review

That’s it! The OH IT’S BEEN ONE YEAR post is here!

The closer my first anniversary was, the more excited I got, and the more thoughts I gathered for one “summary” post. Now that it’s time, suddenly, bam, all of them gone. :’> *wipes sweat*

Recently I had someone asking about my progression and how I managed to get there (???? where? derp). Well, I guess, I could just start telling about my first deeds in GW2, and then see if I can add something.

This might or might not be relevant, but I come from Wakfu, a colorful 2D game with turn-based combat. It’s cool visually, but also has terrible management issues, lack of developer care, one of the worst customer supports ever, list goes on.. I played it since 2012, and year by year, only grew angry, disappointed and hurt. That was like an abusive relationship I couldn’t get out of. I refused to try different genre and engine games. Finally, @aketan​ / @flame-squad​ / Rika got me lowkey interested in GW2 (she was commenting expressively while playing, and I peeked over her shoulder), I decided to try it. And stayed. Migrating to a real-time 3D game wasn’t easy! Yet, it was my lifesaver decision. GW2 has everything that I wish was there in Wakfu. It took me several months, if not a year, to get fully “healed”, to recover from the bad game and start believing that good games exist. When I had to contact GW2 support, I was touched to tears.. Everything and everyone is so nice here.

That wall of text was a foreword! Or explanation why I’m so excited and grateful about every aspect of GW2.

I started without putting too much thought into the char creation, as a result, now I have yet another main whose name is literally foreign language swearing or pun. GG me. After having been completely lost and confused by the controls (I LITERALLY ran backwards and yelled), after having a short but comprehensive lesson from bff, I started derping around on my own. I think I was only guided until lvl 5 or so, then my buddy let me do whatever I want. I come from a sandbox-wannabe game so it didn’t take me forever to get comfortable and set my first goals. Of course, I had a shit ton of questions, which I didn’t hesitate to spam Rika with. It’s cool to have someone ready to explain you the basics and patiently show you things. :D My several first days, or even weeks, were intense. I didn’t rush levels, but was eager to see the world. It was so amazing to me that I was spending 8-10 hours a day, running around, completing maps. I started in Metrica but quickly wandered away to Caledon (”oh! a portal?!”), where I spent a handful of time then.

With such a desire to discover and observe, and after having seen the title you’re awarded for 100% world map completion, I set it as my first ultimate goal. I approached it rather seriously, and had an incredibly fun time, at least until I had only Orr left undiscovered. x’D As a squishy (and slow, and dumb) ele, I was frightened and a bit discouraged by the amount of, well, deaths here. If I recall correctly, I still wore yellows at that time, although I was 80. Rika helped me and accompanied me for a bit. Orr was tough and I legit cried out of anger and frustration when I was alone, but that was the only unpleasant moment in entire year, and only because I wasn’t good at the game yet.

In the meantime, I was leveling my first alt, human engi. Do you actually remember that f2p accounts only allow 2 chars? Later, after buying HoT, I finally got loose.

They say, you always remember the place where you finished your first world map. For me, and oddly enough, for Rika, it was Field of Ruins. We reached the last POI at the same time, and, boy, did it feel great. My first big accomplishment. It dropped like.. Like a norn fart in a moot (c) Jory \o/ I still use the title btw, “been there, done that”. \o/

Then, there was a relatively dull period before buying HoT. I focused on doing my personal story, maxing out my alt and getting into crafting. The latter quickly became addictive to me. It’s so smooth, fun and exciting in GW2. Artificer was my first discipline, and after getting the hang of it, I breezed through 100-500 in a single day’s course.

That’s what the progression of my first 4-5 months looked like! I still was f2p, did only open world content and had one person to play with. I’m my own boss so it’s up to me to decide if I want to spend 30 minutes or 8 hours ingame.

HoT was a blessing in every aspect possible! I never regretted buying it, never regretted taking my time and not buying it earlier though - I needed that f2p scrub time to learn the basics, and to appreciate all the convenience and QoL improvements that come with HoT.

That’s where the real game starts, if I could say that. Core Tyria is by all means amazing, but you can go only this far if your account has those market and mail restrictions.. I used to enjoy playing market in Wakfu (while it was still alive) and I was excited to try it in GW2. When I bought the expansion and got my account fully functional, I got some skins and dyes ahead of all, then proceeded with crafting since I was really addicted to it and excited to max all the disciplines as my medium priority goal.

GW2 is encouraging altoholism! So I found myself leveling a third character (tried revenant and didn’t notice how I got her to level 20-ish and it was too late to delete), then fourth, fifth, then more char slots.. You see my weakness. I quickly realized the perks of having alts: storage, gathering, alternative personal stories, so on. When you’re an altoholic, plus you have yet to finish gearing up your main, plus you can barely hold yourself from leveling another crafting discipline.. RIP GOLD. I never had more than 30-100g at that time period.

Since market and wealth are one of my biggest passions ingame, I learned ways to earn me some coins, one by one. It’s not that hard if you’re a patient gatherer like me. Just run around, chop trees, collect ore and herbs.. I enjoy it so much, maybe it’s grind for someone, but I find it relaxing. Also it brings you gold. \o/ I found a few niche crafts that I could keep making and selling, then got familiar with market flipping, still not doing it like “big daddies” do, I might be too inefficient and lazy at it. But still, I found my own stable sources of income. Not gonna lie, the game just seems to like me and spoils occasionally. I don’t wanna brag, but there was like 4 precursor drops for me, 2 from mystic toilet, 2 practically dropped from the sky. I might be a little luckier than the average player. But that’s well deserved given how much suffering I had in Wakfu. :’D

When we talk about luck, we can’t avoid mentioning gambling. I learned about mystic toilet quite early, but never was a slave to it. Tarrktun has a bit more power over me, but I’ve never lost too much, only gained little by little. Black Lion Keys are the most evil gambling aspect if you ask me, I’ve spent quite a bit of money on those, though sometimes got nice things in exchange. Either gold to gems or gems for real money, I don’t mind spending it on Anet since they very, very well deserve it.

Given my passion, patience and luck, you must think I should be filthy rich by now.. Hah. :’DD Sadly, I’m just as good at spending as I’m at earning! I blew a lot of money on my own “needs” and “wants” and “why not”s, I keep investing into long term sales, I also often buy gifts for my buddies, mostly Rika. Money comes, money goes. GW2efficiency says my account is worth 14k gold currently. Not a bad progress for a year, I suppose.

So.. My biggest interests and playstyle are gold wars, fashion wars, altoholism.. I became quite a lore geek, completed PS, LS2, available LS3 episodes & most of current events, most of HoT? I should finish it but I procrastinate for some reason.

My current achievement number is 7610, mastery rank is 129 iirc. I’m not a casual derp anymore, but still too afraid to fail in front of strangers so I don’t really do dungeons or fractals. I mean I DO, when my bff literally holds my hand and goes there with me, then 3 strangers vs two of us is tad bit less scary. My combat skill, my reflexes and reactions are rather pathetic, even if I got significantly better after HoT and LS3 maps. I must train more, so recently I made a tanky character to practice, I hope to get good enough to clear story mode dungeons and low level fractals alone. Maybe I’m being too hard at myself, but combat skill has practically the biggest influence in this game, so I must git gud, at least acceptable, so I don’t feel ashamed to play with other people and don’t let them down. :’D

I’m a pve trash. Tried WvW and don’t mind coming here again, but not too much. PvP is a big no-no. Just.. Not my thing. Never. Not with my current skill and mindset (people = stress).

I’ve still got a mind-boggling amount of things to do. Personal goals, mere achievements, secrets and mysteries I’m yet to uncover, lore things to read. Maybe I’ll play GW1 one day, if there’s ever a discount sale. \;w;/ I’m super curious about every tiny bit of lore, also want some skins that are exclusive to GW1. That pleasant, sweet feeling that there’s so much interesting things ahead. I will take my time and never grind anything to frustration, for example, I’ve been working on my first leg, Sunrise, on and off and I’ll wait several months more, until I get all the clovers from the monthly chest. I don’t sweat it and just enjoy the game however I see it. Feelsgoodman.

I hope I managed to answer that person’s question, how did I get where I’m currently? Just took my time, learned my own pace and enjoyed every minute I spent online. Love the game, and it will love you back. \o/