#i know I said it keep mental health shit to my side account and I have been (mainly) but | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

zenkor123 · 30 days ago

Text

October 4th Katniss's rotation

Trigger warning: Violence, cannibalism, references to torture, mental illness. (have lots of references to this scattered, here I am going to put them in one place). What a day for Katniss!

Katniss initially had a 4-hour shift Peeta was glaring at her for 2 hours but Katniss managed to serve her whole shift.

Katniss gets into a physical altercation with Johanna after Jo tries to wake her up.

Johanna: Has to hear Katniss scream from nightmares, deal with constant barbs from Katniss, even has to get Katniss out of bed. "did you know I had to drag Katniss out of bed a few days ago, and I sometimes have to call Haymitch, stop being brainless, this" Johanna points at a bandage "was after you pointed the gun at her and called her a traumatized child" Johanna?" (Peeta thought she was removed from the squad and she has some scratch marks on her face)."

Coin warns Katniss of institutionalization.

On October 4th, Coin told Katniss.

If she keeps behaving like a lunatic unable to leave her bed, scratching Johanna she is going to the mental hospital to receive mental health help in her role as the Mockingjay. This message was relayed to Katniss via Boggs. Coin thought that she would move away from Peeta instead of cracking from the exposure to him(Peeta thought this as well). This it was felt would make Katniss a more effective Mockingjay, without the weight of Hijacked Peeta while opening up the potential of Peeta Mellark and Annie Cresta for D13 and the rebellion

another D13 commander who wasn't Boggs would have taken Katniss off the watch. If Katniss insulted Peeta again on October 4th in her rotation, Boggs would have been forced to remove her from the watch on account of her "mental unsuitability." Boggs told her this at the beginning of her rotation. This would be a major step towards institutionalizing her for Coin and be an additional public humiliation for Katniss. Peeta in a sense was on the verge of chasing her off his rotation with his gun.

Peeta glaring at Katniss

"If you try anything Katniss I will blow your brains out, I've tasted human flesh before you know" that's what the expression said. It was not like the hijacked glare. Initially, he has his gun pointed at her, combined with a feral look.

Except he isn't in an episode and his hands are both holding his gun. It isn't the insane hatred of hijacking just a warning. He wears elastic cuffs that are loose but can tighten at the push of a button.

And on his first day he did mention that he has consumed human flesh and if he's capable of doing that then who knows what I'm capable of, that was a summary of what he said to her while they were glaring at each other. "I've eaten human flesh Katniss, so if you want to kill me, know that I am capable of far worse!"

Following Katniss having no violent PTSD attacks

his stare looked more like this

If Katniss wanted to kill him she would have to look straight into his gazing dead eyes to do it.

Peeta was ordered to stop pointing his gun at Katniss soon after he started. Peeta did not break eye contact and just sat staring at her with his hands on the trigger.

(If Katniss wasn't in the guard Peeta wouldn't have stopped thinking that Katniss tried to kill her in the past due to shit pre-mutated Peeta did, it was exposure therapy for Peeta who was convinced he wouldn't be triggered into episodes by Katniss’s sight and that Katniss wouldn't kill her by enough hours spent with Katniss without stuff happening)

Peeta decides enough is enough.

"I've tasted human flesh, seen thousands die, and I died myself until "Peeta" was just a name and a body, death is a familiar friend of mine. I've seen other mutts besides myself of every variety, and am morally no different from them except for the side I now serve, I killed the clients Snow tried to sell my body with my bare hands and the blood will never dry, if you think I was horrible before my mutation, well as a mutt myself? A mutt born from the darkness, driving it to his will? There's no telling what I'm capable of if you try to kill me"

(the first thing Peeta had said to her in hours)

Katniss ran off shaken but one of the guards curtly yelled "Go back to work!" and Katniss was forced to continue her shift.

Finnick confronts Peeta

Finnick admonished him for making Annie shiver and Peeta apologized profusely, Finnick tried to assure Peeta that Katniss was not a threat. Peeta was unconvinced but said she was clearly threatened by him justified or not and his past before all this meant she could be set off at any moment, she had tried to kill him in the past and her lover Gale attacked him on sight, when he simply wanted to thank him for his role in his rescue. Peeta also pointed out that Katniss has never once said "I'm not going to kill you" and just tries to say what she thinks is cutting things back not even denying it, he said she's actually amusing but that this also speaks for itself. Even if he's a threat that's yet another reason to be vigilant, she's not a trained soldier, just a scared frightened child overcompensating to show everyone otherwise and when her fear became overwhelming she would try to kill him. He ranted loud enough that the squads could hear him and concluded that both her legs would be blown off and any response would be nonlethal but if the arrow hit him he would take her down with him. As Peeta ranted these things.

Katniss reveals that she never wanted to kill him.

Katniss returned to her watch unnoticed and got Peeta's attention when she promised not to kill him, and said she had never wanted to only when she thought he was helping the careers.

It was only Katniss crying and saying with conviction that she never wanted to kill him that convinced him otherwise.

Peeta did not let her break eye contact and pointed his gun at her while Katniss loaded her bow, before being told to put it down. Peeta stared at her, his eyes daring her to shoot him, and he didn't allow her to look at anything else. Katniss was sweating, while Peeta's face was unchanging, would this be a daily occurrence? she asked herself. Peeta finally broke the silence and told her "I ate human flesh Katniss."

Her anxiety increased so much that she ran off and took deep breaths, panting "No, no!" Peeta complained to Finnick about how Katniss wanted to kill her. Katniss had enough and told Peeta she had no intention of killing him. Peeta looked surprised and relieved and assured Katniss that he felt the same way, his eyes no longer filled with anger and fear and he allowed Katniss to break eye contact with him. With Peeta's cannibalism revealed Katniss had never been more determined to kill Snow.

Peeta stops messing with her.

He was at least willing to give her a chance, when it came to her who knew what was true or false? Would he ever know, he isn't even sure he actually loved her before his hijacking? He still was suspicious but if she was saying she never wanted to kill him maybe that meant she had no intention of killing him in a PTSD episode now. Katniss also seemed calmer after she didn't look like she was going to kill him she looked sad but not afraid. She clearly just wanted to be on his guard just like the rest of the squad. Upon observing her she didn't seem like the type of person who used deception to murder, nor was she a very good liar. Peeta was an expert on lies both in telling them and spotting them, his bullshit detector or gut told him she was telling the truth. His mutation wish was that he would be honest from now on. There's no reason she wouldn't have a PTSD attack after his cannibalism comment yet she didn't try to kill him over that.

"I consider myself something of an expert in lies both in telling them and revealing them, this knowledge survived safely in the part of my brain that stores fear, it's called the amygdala. So, What you're saying rings true to me, you most likely never tried to kill me, you just want to be on my rotation. Well for what it's worth given that I'm well (Peeta chuckles) me, I have no intention or desire to murder you whatsoever,becuase it's what the capitol wants. They want the murder of an innocent girl whos only crime was to be sucked into their sick games, and they created me to be their weapon I was there when it happened. I think you're very brave to be on this rotation, given our past (Peeta puts his hands around his throat as he says the word "past") I would understand if you were scared enough to shoot me out of fear, not like you would, I'm just surprised you didn't lose it when I mentioned the yummy capitol cuisine. You weren't overwhelmed with the urge to kill this cannibal flesh-eating mutt like I expected"

Something snapped inside Katniss at being triggered like this She said "If you're not careful I will cook you myself".

Disarmed Peeta laughed hysterically, finding what she said funny. Annie also laughed.

Katniss did not laugh and just felt shame for what she said even though Peeta did not take it badly at all.

Peeta first said "I'm sure I taste like.... Oh Katniss, sorry I didn't mean to I just have a weird sense of humor about my capital fun times, I wasn't insulting you"

Katniss saw no strength whatsoever though, just the echoes of unspeakable evil done to Peeta in the capitol. Peeta, just to be safe or out of habit, continued to stare at Katniss but without glaring at her or threatening her, he is bewildered. This later ceased as well.

Deep discussions

"You mean it never happened"

"Nope it happened, I remember it vividly, it's just in some sick sense funny and it defines me, distinguishes me and I'll never forget it, the taste of all that flesh, I can't ever undo it either. Just like I can't undo your throat being smashed...

The blood on my hands will never dry!!" Peeta's eyes become even more distant than before. Peeta did not sound sad but insane like he was driven mad by the experience. Peeta cackled afterwards a dead look in one eye and an insane look in another. Katniss knew then and there that Snow really had made Peeta eat human meat.

"But I am strong, I crossed the uncrossable and I'm still here with a strength smelted in fire!"

Katniss thinks of pressing the incapacitator. "Snow made Peeta into a cannibal! Why? She looks right in front of her and sees Peeta's face and right away knows the answer. "Peeta already answered my question when she thinks of what Peeta just said: "The blood on my hands will never dry!" Rage courses through her. Before Katniss could respond and say that it was the capitol that did this to him or press the incapacitator it was time to begin target practice.

Peeta had rashes on his body and was wincing taking deep breaths.

Katniss touches Peeta

Katniss impulsively grabbed Peeta's hand pushing him out of his daze, this was the first time Katniss had touched Peeta since the quarter quell, Peeta immediately got up to go to target practice.

Concept: Katniss touching Peeta's wart It would probably be painful/complex for Katniss as well. The fear both have Katniss of getting attacked, Peeta of his demons and of Katniss would be mutual. However, if they both think they are strangers to each other then what impact would physical touch for grounding have? They can probably tell themselves it was just for grounding.

Though, wouldn't both have painful emotional responses at the memory of each other's touch? (they could both disassociate those memories, did Peeta reclaim any memories from the memory of her touch? He would have vague memories of it being relaxing so the touch itself would not be as much of a problem but what that touch means. Positive physical sensations but negative emotional associations along with curiosity("I touch Peeta's wart"). He probably remembered the physical sensations of multiple memories where they held hands but separated them from the rest of the memories like where Peeta remembers what he wears but does not touch the memories of Katniss out of fear of episodes. So the memories of Katniss's hands would be less blurry.

As for Katniss touching Peeta, it would be when Peeta is deep in an episode, at least the first time. It would only happen a couple of times, besides Peeta seeing a hand and grabbing it in another time. Peeta feels great shame for feeling calmed by Katniss's touch.

Peeta grabbed Katniss's hand so hard that she could not let go, when his rashes temporarily increased Peeta squeezed even harder then all the rashes disappeared but Peeta gave her a conflicted look when he returned to the here and now. Peeta noticed that Katniss was stroking his hair with her other hand.

In the next break, Peeta began painting his prosthetic leg and began

Peeta corrects the symbolic grave

Peeta writes a more recent note: There is no evidence that she tried to kill me, or wants to kill me presently she says she didn't the only time was when I had her treed, the late Peeta must have deemed victory more important than his infatuation with Katniss, he tried to team up with the careers, he clearly did not love Katniss at all, it appears that he tried to do a Haymitch and take out the career pack solo, once Katniss was needed he played along with the Star Crossed Lovers. I wouldn't be surprised if Katniss regrets her failure to kill me but the star-crossed lovers brought her home to Gale and I commend the late Peeta for making that possible.

Peeta's interest in Katniss increases

Once Peeta realizes that Katniss is not going to be consigned to his memories he wants to ease some of the discomfort involved in their interactions. He also finds Katniss confusing. He feels guilty for thinking this but he wants to know who the "real" Katniss is, the person who is the person who he shares lunches with and sees every day? He thinks Katniss is a stranger but he still has an urge to know who she is even if it isn't relevant to his life. "Why doesn't Katniss hate him?" He has a sense that he has no right to know that he's going to trigger either an episode or restraining order but he thinks just be careful. He also has written off finding the truth about her in his memories so he attempts to get an accurate picture of her in the present.

Peeta assumes that everything in his memory is false. His operating assumption is that his memory barely constitutes such.

Peeta stops trying to ignore Katniss and shuts her out of his mind (before whenever he found his brain thinking of Katniss he got upset he took deep breaths and tried to wash his hands and name 5 things he saw. 4 things he did etc.

He had a sudden sense that if he knew who Katniss was in the present he could sort his memories without looking at them. He uncovered various details from his memories and wrote them down in his journal as well as wrote down any observations. He was already documenting everything he did to prevent his memories from being taken from him again. In between every activity in training, he took notes of everything he did. He assumed that any information about Katniss would cause confusion if left in his head. By putting them to paper he could capture the information. Though he has pages for everyone he knows.

Though Peeta has notes on everything he documents everything he eats for example.

Prior to this, he had refused to add any notes about Katniss when she came up in descriptions with other people; he didn't write her name but put a red X to refer to her instead. Even his list of guards on his rotation had her marked by an ugly red X. Katniss once stared at Peeta and was at an angle where she could see what he was writing, they were announcing Peeta's rotation and she saw Peeta mark her with a big red X.

In the corner of her eye, Katniss saw Peeta write her name multiple times.

Peeta's hallucinations

Even with all the hallucinations that the twin assassin mutts know aren't real still appear even when not in an episode to cope Peeta sketches them and Annie creates rich textual descriptions. All are on watch for hallucinations of jackers and bubbles. Katniss on guard probably nags Peeta and is not interested in Peeta's hallucinations. She dies inside when she sees Peeta like this and seeing images of capital horrors would be something she would avoid. She would be interested and look at what Peeta is drawing but she would not ask questions and would pretend she is indifferent but those images would stay in her head.

She saw mutt versions of herself, serpent versions, many drawings of her neck, and snippets from Peeta's memories, like random people and things from 12, images of her being intimate with Gale in his drawings. Some images of her were explicit but Peeta drew all sorts of things, of all different kinds.

Boggs and Coin

Would revealing that Katniss never wanted to kill Peeta cross the line for Coin?

The delusion and gut instinct were driving Peeta to glare at Katniss and not let her break eye contact with him so the result of Peeta not doing that might prevent Katniss from getting a restraining order though she would be on thin ice for this and probably receiving a warning. But Boggs would do everything to prevent Katniss from getting In trouble and to let it slide just this once.

Boggs said she did a great job in her watch, seeing Peeta like this must have been hard for her.

Mental deterioration

Sleep nightmares

Katniss does begin eating with Odesta and Peeta who stops shutting her out after he tries to thank Gale for his role in his rescue and says Katniss isn't doing so well. Gale says that he is the one hurting Katniss and tries to punch him in the face but gets curb-stomped by Peeta. Katniss is then exposed to Peeta's time in the capitol. It gets better when she at least has Odesta and Peeta who are sorry for her and want to help, but she is exposed to more suffering.

Peeta stops shutting her out.

Finnick Annie and Peeta convinces Katniss to eat with them. Even if Peeta is no longer insulting her would she want to eat or is she lonely enough she is lethargic so would she care? Maybe she wants to avoid being institutionalized. Or they simply check up on her for 10 minutes and leave.

Peeta's demeanor is different, like he is sorry for her; she hates being given baked goods and Peeta's charity. When Odesta and Peeta leave the room she throws it across the room and sobs. Johanna refuses to clean it up and rudely tells her to clean it. Katniss is disgusted that many of the baked goods smell like morphling. In the following days, Finnick insists on going to the room where she is, he brings Peeta and Annie. Katniss does not throw them out and silently eats the food. (Odesta and Peeta essentially become what Graesy Sae was when Katniss was lethargic in 12)

(Peeta just does not want to hate on Katniss he does not automatically want to be friends with her, he wants to stop treating her like crap)

Katniss lost her appetite but went through the motions of eating.

Katniss has nightmares as she sleeps.

She notices Johanna sleeping with headphones. Johanna notices her staring and says "This is so I can sleep without hearing you scream about loverboy"

#the hunger games #peeta mellark #everlark #katniss and peeta #mockingjay #thg katniss #suzanne collins #katniss everdeen #finnick odair #thg #fuck coin

2 notes · View notes

praxieserver · 2 years ago

Note

Show us your south park oc!!

why yes i will thank you very much!!!

meet Avy Alvarez! half filo, half american, and originally my extremely self insert-y oc ive decided to shake up and fuck around with!! they're nonbinary, bi, and they use any pronouns

the guys think she's a guy and just assume she's some kinda femboy and the girls assume he's a girl and thats causes chaos when they think he's getting frisky with their exes when she casually interacts with them like a normal person

since i did say she used to be really self insert-y she is like. a fandom bitch that draws and writes gay shit. yaoi even. and i decided to keep it bc the concept of a serial killer/killer just being a socially awkward fandom kid drawing anime fanart is very funny to me.

that being said, she's socially awkward, but easy-going and goofy as hell. has hot takes that regularly causes discord in the girl's list making committee meetings. she said what she said except when wendy threatens to remove her

does not actually have like a really fucked up backstory to being a serial killer. like she does have some mental health issues but they weren't raised in a family of assasins or something. in fact she was barely raised at all her parents are kind of absent simply because i cannot fathom what they're dynamic could be and kind of always characterized them to be kind of lonely.

she's got a butler/babysitter/housekeeper to keep her in check and handle her meals but they eventually leave when avy gets older. her parents set up a bank account for her where they just send money for her needs and she can deposit/ withdraw whenever she needs. her parents work overseas ig and they're kind loaded so they just send her money when they ask but are also strict with her grades and just in general so like. not very good, and generally very emotionally absent parents.

as for why they are a serial killer? i always imagined that she isnt in like some dark web shit, crap just went down once and then some guy called her for a job and she just decides that like. ight fuck it ig and gets the job done. then that guy knows another who needs someone dead and is like "oh i know a guy" and then it escalates enough that people are passing aroun her job number and calling if they want.

also as the comic says nowadays she just kills people who highkey deserve it and she doesn't really charge as much as other hired killers probably do so alot of people who are like victims of stuff or are like getting blackmailed or smth try their luck and call her for revenge. sometimes she also just accepts jobs from crime guys doing stuff against crime guys. generally chaotic neutral serial killer ig

and since bodies aren't particularly light, she's pretty strong and kinda crafty. just horribly socially awkward and has a few self-esteem issues. there's a voice modulator with the mask and that blonde strand of hair is there bc they think it'll help throw off the cops. whether or not that would actually work i do not know.

also she def has like a one sided rivalry with mysterion bc like. yk serial killer on the loose but also said serial killer does knows mysterion is kenny and doesn't really have anything against them as mysterion or kenny, but man is he a bother when he's trying to stop them from killing ppl and fighting to incapacitate and not kill is kind of difficult when you were killing/planning to kill someone. this also leads to like an arc abt her becoming enemies with freedom pals then frenemies then straight up like an honorary member/local guy they know who kills people and sometimes ask to kill people for them

besties with kyle. he thinks they're weird and they think he's a silly little guy. also pictured above, at one point he finds out abt her being a serial killer and after a whole arc about him coming to terms and choosing to trust that avy does not wish any harm on him and does not wish to manipulate or stalk him and generally has no ulterior motives towards him or his friends and family he just. tags a long in jobs sometimes. mostly to vent or he just wants to hang out with someone. he only tags along like, comes with him when they're going to the place where the deed will be done. he doesnt assist in the murders in anyway, he doesn't really like how gruesome they can be soemtimes and just looks waya while it's happening. he would just walk home once they actually have to start murdering but things can go awry reall quick sometimes so avy doesn't let him out of their sight until he's home. kind protective of kyle but in this case its pretty much warranted.

and that's all the silly goofy stuff about my south park oc. feel free to ask about them bc i have lot of fun playing around with them!!

#myart #south park #south park art #south park fanart #sp fanart #south park original character #south park ocs #fanart #mail

51 notes · View notes

skaluli · 2 years ago

Note

people are a lot more critical of eddsworld on tumblr so if u wanna just go off and post a whole college essay of ur criticisms then dont worry about getting eaten alive for it or anything lol

lmao sure king, i know youre probably thinking of the "criticisms of eddsworld" post that i had in my drafts but i need to finish that. instead so nobody is hungry, ill post the script of me "the end of the eddsworld discord server" here and honestly i have always felt safer here. i left twitter because of certain people and certain feelings. mental health is shit and my paranoia is shitter.

The End of the Eddsworld Discord Server

(A script by skaluli for a video that never came out and probably wont.) click" Keep reading" to begin. its kinda long? and has some pictures. (Also afterwards are extra screenshots from the discord that didnt fit into the video itself.)

Well- Cuts to - yes im using the dementia music, this video was supposed to come out before or even close after the closure of the server. Stuff happened and I’m tired. Please excuse what I say that may not matter anymore. I just want to get a video out and it starts by pushing this. ZZZZZZZZ. Happy Halloween or Christmas honestly it could be either.

I suppose it was going to happen at some point, it’s finally the end of the eddsworld discord server. Well expect for the patrons, they still get to do whatever lol. If you’re not in the loop, eddsworld had a discord server, to sum it up it was a place to converse with fellow edd-heads and well isn’t amino. But of course, it doesn’t come out with its own flaws. I mean there was a whole twitter account to showing the weird side of it. It’s over, the eddsworld discord is dead. Whatever the fuck all this is, is gone. Originally this was going to be made a few days before the closure of the discord but I got busy. Busy to the point where the discord server closed like a month ago [THAT’S SO FUNNY SKALULI ITS BEEN EVEN MORE MONTHS] and I’ve only started this script now. It’s called poor time management, don’t be me. [AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA] So, let’s just attempt to bullet point this stuff. Also warning now, I might not have screenshots of everything and I can’t get anything else because well paywall, and even if I did pay, I don’t even know if the original chat still exists. AAAAAA, anyway. I guess I shall start with the “paywall”. So as you know or maybe didn’t or didn’t hear what I said before, the eddsworld server technically didn’t close, just to access the chats and stuff you have to be a patron. But listen kings we get the bloody announcements and twitter feed, yeAHHH. Ahem. Some questions being asked were along the lines of, well why didn’t you just make a separate patron server. Therefore, people not paying still get a somewhere to talk to other eddsworld fans under moderation. Of course, many questions like that and more being asked because well this kinda came out of nowhere. One of the issues is the fact that nobody was answering any of the questions being asked. Avoiding it essentially. Saying things out of the blue, I assume to try and calm the scenario that was created.

Which well got people angry, because well they have a reason to, and you can not deny that. But the thing is the anger got so out of hand that people just started death threating mods. A big note I have to make is that the mods, the crew of which is not Chris or Matthew, and or any of the pateron supporters had a choice in this. They most likely didn’t even know it was coming. You shouldn’t death threat mods and not even just mods just other patreon supporters. [I don’t have screenshots of this but im going by word of someone who said that that was happening to them.] You don’t need me telling you this, it’s basic knowledge. But you do know why they’re doing it though. Because what do you expect by suddenly taking a once-free community and putting a pay-wall over it. Of course people are going to be upset and lash out, even to these extremes. Yes the mods don’t deserve to get treated like this, but they’re getting treated that way by the fans in this case because of what you did. You being Chris and or Matthew. And you yourself not answering on behalf of mods. Leaving themselves having to speak for themselves on a situation that they had no control over. Having to dose the fires of a fire they didn’t even start. An issue being said that the server was getting to out of hand, so it’d just be easier to do what they did [kill the server]. But then why don’t you just hire more mods to manage the community you created? Who knows.

Also not to put my own opinion in here but I kept seeing messages being like “Edd wouldn’t have wanted this” what the fuck. No offense but don’t say that, never say that. Stop. Just pretty please don’t try to speak on behalf on a man that’s been dead for over a decade and act like you would know what he would have wanted. Sorry for the tangent just I see this happening when whatever happens and kids commenting “Edd wouldn’t have wanted this.” Please shush.

Listen I hate kids, I know they can be dumb as shit, I mean after just hearing all that especially. But also, at the end of the day I care about them and if they like and feel safe in the hell of the eddsworld server than you shouldn’t take it away from them. I understand that fan servers are being made but oh god my paranoia of something going wrong since it doesn’t have “trusted moderation” I’m not sure how to put it. It was really only the official safe space to communicate with other eddheads. I just worry that there will be some with ill intentions. I think you can allow me to think that at this point.

And to end it all off, you know how the server’s purpose was just to keep patron content to patrons.

Damn that sure did work.

-cut-

[Note I didn’t write this “now” I wrote this a few days after I mashed this script together.] Okay originally the script ends there on a somewhat snarky remark but while pacing I thought about how I want to make sure my point gets across. I make these videos to help and not harm, by saying that I mean there seems to be a lack of communication between the fans and the crew. And personally, myself I want to try and make a bridge between the two, my own attempts being to show each side and see everything through a different view. Not only I criticize the fans because I want them to improve, I criticize eddsworld because I want the same out of them. Neither is better than the other.

Bonus readout:

Also a request for someone:

Vine thud and then cat thumbs up

END OF SCRIPT

do note that sometimes i change things while recording and dont edit it into the script since well im supposed to be the only one who sees it and says it blah blah.

i have many other various screenshots i took before the discord closed, as i didnt know exactly what i'd need for the video.

here you can have them:

finally the dates of the files since i last touched them: word doc:

audio:

sony vegas:

if you need any clarification on what i mean or say just ask /gen most times i just word things in a way so i can understand it because my brain is fucked.

only thing that isnt here is the audio i recorded for the video and the beginning of the edit of the video. you dont need to hear my voice.

if you need anything else ill be around. i have other screenshots of various other things.

even something that i dont think the person knows anyone got a screenshot of.

anyway im tired like always and forever, i need to work on it. maybe actually take my meds lmao. thank you eddsworld tumblr for allowing criticism of the show. have a good rest of your life.

#eddsworld #eddsworld discord server #ew #video essay #eddsworld criticism #matt hargreaves #christopher bingham #eddsworld controversy #eddsworld discourse #ew discourse #i think thats all the tags idk

28 notes · View notes

timaeusterrored · 2 years ago

Text

(His Muse)

(Thinking about them again babes)

“What’s wrong, J?” V’s lips didn’t move, nor did he even open his eyes. It was kinda freaky when he did that honestly. But Johnny didn’t have it in him to comment or complain. Like V said, something was wrong.

The thing that upset him was the fact that Kerry was right there. He was sound asleep next to V, and looking so unfairly beautiful. Everyone said in the band, Kerry was God’s favorite because of how pretty he was. Johnny never agreed out loud. But he had agreed with it.

It upset him that Kerry couldn’t see him. That Johnny couldn’t feel him with his own hands. Even when they did get to talk, it wasn’t with his voice, his eyes, his ears. Kerry only saw V, with the knowledge that Johnny was somewhere in there. It was a sick joke he had played on himself.

If it hadn’t been for Rogue, Johnny would have ran to him the seconds he saw the screamsheets about Kerry’s mental health declining. He knew that night fucked with his head even more than Johnny had meant for it too, but they had saved him and that’s all that mattered.

“Johnny?” V opened his eyes this time, turning to face him from where he sat behind him. “What’s up?” He said softly, making Kerry shift closer to him, his head rested on Vax’s bare chest.

“When I’m wiped, you’ll still stay with him right?” Johnny may have brought V to Kerry for their own comfort, but he had to make sure V didn’t ditch him as soon as Johnny was out. He needed to make sure he was taken care of.

“Of course I will… ‘M not an asshole.” Johnny just huffed and shook his head, looking down at Kerry. He looked so different, but still just as beautiful as the last time he saw him.

“…Would you like to talk to him? Tomorrow?” V’s voice was quiet, like he knew the risks that came with that. He knew letting Johnny take over like that was risky.

Johnny would love another chance to talk to Kerry, to have a moment with him instead of talking through V. But he couldn’t do that to V, he was already risking a lot slacking off so they could spend more time with Kerry before whatever happened, happened. V was thinking of accepting Hanako’s offer, much to Johnny’s distain. Kerry didn’t know yet.

“Nah. You’d be out of commission for a day if I did that. Those pills are gonna kill you, Y’know?”

V was quiet. Maybe that was for the best.

“Johnny misses you.”

Damnit V.

Kerry took a long sip from his coffee, eyeing V over the mug. He was taking into account what V was saying, processing it. It was way too early to be saying shit like that.

“Does he now?” Kerry asked, putting the cup down. He clearly did not wanna think about it, Johnny missing him.

They had stayed in the Glen apartment that night, meaning Kerry got to steal V’s clothes and have an excuse, like he needed one. Johnny remembered a time when Kerry worse his clothes everywhere like they were his own.

“Do we… have thoughts on that?” V asked, leaning forward on the counter a bit. Kerry leaned in as well and kissed his cheek.

“Whatever you’re planning, the answer is no. You’re body can’t handle it, and I’m sure if Johnny truly cared about you like he said he does, he wouldn’t agree with your sneaky little ways either.” Kerry shut down V’s plan quick, making the merc pout.

“But he misses you. And you miss him-“

“V, sweetheart, lemme explain something. I’ve missed Johnny for 50 years, I’m used to missing him. I don’t think it’s ever gonna go away. But when it comes down to it, I’m sure it will, I’m choosing you. You are my concern now, keeping you alive is what I want. Johnny and I can miss each other for another 50 years, doesn’t mean I want to see him or use you to see him. Got me?” Kerry rolled up the sleeves on the shirt he had stolen, ending his argument.

Damn. Was it bad Johnny was kinda turned on by that.

“Yes Johnny, it is. And why are you two so stubborn?” V asked him, pouting into his coffee.

“Like I said, you’d never win an argument we’re on the same side of. Never gonna happen, V.”

14 notes · View notes

suiciderape · 1 year ago

Text

totaltrash

we must discuss this gay ass shit bitch! the leader of the neptune planet she rejects? ew! still been the ghetto i see ew! shes upset obviously its the same person too so go home! potter! rejected nuns and fight for party infringement rights ok so? where are we? ur new house ew! hahaha i love my new house my phone sucks! no :( ok its good... even being here... wiggly what! i get it now i have a wiggly dick? no babe my phone lol im sorry who is this? kim deal ew! ur ghetto i love kim deal me too ok so who is this? desarae hollins ew ur baddie smells good! ew! ew! ew! rejected princess pretty pussy 6 is back do it again rejected princess prett6 pussy is back again no! ew! omg stop!! omg shes gonna see what tumblr did to us! omg no she doesnt care lol mhm :) scary gangsta? are u chris angel insider? no im not! oh lol well who is us? im us! omg! what does that mean? no more couple shopping trips to the local ghetto mall!! yay! what else? get a macbook pro today? or tomorrow? today! lol ur a baddie with a dick launcher! huh! oh uh huh! *gs* uh oh uh huh huh! *gs* 808s heartbreak *gs* lady macbeth lady macbeth lady macbeth oh! huh! *gun shot* gun shot! ah! ah! asian! oh asain! asian! ah!! asian oh!! asian lol its 808s heartbreak oh bob hehe mhm :) macdonalds angel? insider *gs* oh!! asian oh my god its asia oh!! *gs* mhm :) lol ur not even asian anyway daamn baby they died of lung disease cancers get bent! ew! yay! omg shes an angel! lol mhm :) macdonalds oh bob hehe waait!

yoon keeho

daddy that was mad awkward for the non asians! i know bitch daamn ok so where did we leave off? private school suicide pss ok so it didnt work? no it didnt why is that? u grounded me from making things look cute ok! so its not uppercapping? hell nah bitch u always right lmao ok so its ok to look bad? whaat the fuck bitch we were at get bent ok so go back to school ok no i didnt see it get away 5 dead dead! dead dead dead! dead! dead dead dead! dont boy 1234 donut boy dead! dead! dead dead! dead dead dead dead! see thats ok we like ur games did the bubble pop lava & knives no it didnt daddy ok! so go homee ok mhm :)

scary gangsta

omg bitch! shes in my house! omg noo where at? someone just said desarae! ew! omg ok so thats not u? hell nah bitch i got into the secret side of pintrest finally im ecstatic i really was ok! so go home! potter! weasely nah nigga but thats disgusting how did she know that this was ur house? im assuming u sold it? no i didnt! ita scary gangsta! ew ok! mt st helens bitch that was the wrong scary gangsta! omg who was it? the bad one that tried to fuck ur life up we got into his mental ward and locked him up for life! how did he see my account? he didnt! we let him see our phone not yours! right? yes! no hes been following u around all day as ur daddy yoon keeho hell nah bitch she is right! it waa our phone not hers! ok does she get it? hes never even met her! wait i didnt say we could move on! who is this? desarae hollins! u mean choi paranoid? yes! ok so go home! potter! ew! hey wait! omg her account is badaaa lets see some japanase architecture! ok! lol ur stupid it was the real scary gangsta the whole time! lol whaat? omg get bent

mt st helens

is this how u feel rn? well it wasnt until i saw the photograph stupid! does that mean u were there? no it doesnt daddy ew! lol ur stupid hahaha i know dudee ok so why is it all watery looking? the photograph? yes ok well did it go back into ur skin? ew! fuck u bitch no it did not ok hold on 808 heartbreak <3

suicide boys

sorry mt st helens brb? no!! lol tell her to stop texting my brother lol she is not texting him and he keeps blocking her twitter what year is it? 1921 what year is she in? 2023 omg what the fuck bitch! who is that? me apparently lol what the fuck bitch! ok

1989s suicide boys mission health goth

ew! lol suck a fuck bitch go home no homo training! did he call u back bitch? yes he did bitch! and he speaks chinese now! what the fuck bitch suck a fuck bitch nah she sent me more 808s heartbreak ew! fuck u bitch! lol ok sorry i love u ily 2! hey! whats ur bfs name? chris angel insider i thought it was electrumsol me tew bith! daamn ew! hahaha ew! hahaha ew! hahaha god daamn it thats what u meant? yes omg can lesarafim be the group at school with me? in south korea? where else? japan where else? thats it for now! ok australia! ew fine l8r byee go home and take this shit to sleep he loves u so fucking much! omg were in! can we stay the night now? whaat? of course bitch i love u always have always will! lol omg ur so much fun! lol u weirdo send tweet send tweet send tweet hollow tip - hoo ride attack

#surfing #delusionals #princeton #bye bye club #bite hurts

2 notes · View notes

hot-take-tournament · 1 year ago

Note

sorry if my take sounds deeply incomprehensible i just kept going back on submitting it and knew if i didn’t ramble it all out in one take i was gonna chicken out again LMAO

don't worry about it at all!

i think an incoherent infodump every once in a while is good for the soul!

look, if we're being totally candid -

i have pretty severe adhd comorbid with bipolar disorder, which i do my best to mask - yeah yeah, i know you're not supposed to, but i doubt i'll ever truly shake the shame, especially given the things i've done as a result of failing to mask, both online and irl (the latter being much, much worse) - so i've resolved to do it for the rest of my life

i did talk a little bit about what i was like on my main blog here, which you might need for context:

(speaking of which, please don't actually follow or even go to my main blog just because you like this one - i'm 100% fucking serious. i'm a very different person over there to the point of being almost unrecognisable, even to myself - and i guarantee that side of myself wouldn't recognise me either; we're like two parts of a very fucked up whole. so for that reason i want to keep these two blogs separate; like i said, i'm bipolar, so that's where i let the venom out, and when i feel joyful again, i come back here. i'm more active here anyway, to the point where i basically consider this my main blog now - i mean, my bio isn't even up to date over there)

the point is although i plan to mask for the rest of my life, even i'm partial to an unprompted infodump or oversharing session every once in a while

that's the reason i want this blog to be a safe place for people to vent/infodump/just share their wildest takes anonymously, while still having a little fun by making it a tournament - it's partly to atone in a cringe kinda way, but also because this dumbass site has actually been a huge source of support in some of the darker points in my life

it's almost ironic in a weird way - i spent so much time targeting other people for their mental health problems, but when i had some of my own i came crawling back to those same people. maybe karma does exist lol

no, i didn't ever interact with any of them; but just lurking on their blogs and reading their posts helped normalise what i was going through when i felt so alone after receiving my diagnosis; though it was always in the back of my mind that maybe a year earlier i would've seen those same posts and done my level best to make them feel like shit for it just for the sake of a little dopamine hit

i'm a proud airhead, but i'm not naive - i'm not going to lie to you and say that tumblr is a safe space, partly because nowhere on the internet is safe, partly because i've read some of your takes and they terrify me, but mostly because i'm living proof of how awful this site can be

but i do want to at least create one semi-safe place on the internet after ruining so many other people's

jesus i'm fucking crying that's new lol

anyway sorry for taking your incoherent infodump and exchanging it with one of my own, that's probably more info about me than you ever wanted to know

but i hope this provides a little context for why i decided to start this blog

the point i was actually trying to make, because i'm pretty sure i never actually responded to what you were saying - never feel embarassed to submit anything! trust me, i totally get it; but i promise, even when i make jokes about some unhinged takes, it's all light-hearted, and if it ever comes across otherwise, please let me know! <3 <3 <3

i'm gonna take a quick break, i'll catch up with you all again later

#i'm absolutely serious about what i said about my main blog #that's now a tournament rule #although if you stumble across it in the wild - i've had two posts go viral - i guess it's fine #but strictly no jumping from this blog over to there #tournament updates #asks #tournament info #tumblr

5 notes · View notes

honeyblve · 9 days ago

Note

it’s the same blog on here that keeps getting into conflict with damn near everyone. at first i was on her side, but then i realized everybody can’t be wrong? esp if you’re going at it with blogs who are known to stay in their lane and mind their business. the veil is thinning and true colors are being revealed

exactly!! if drama keeps happening with anyone you interact with and the only common denominator is you…you’re the problem. people trying to have respectful, constructive dialogue by offering understanding but also politely correcting problematic behavior are not the villains. when i saw her post i knew it was going to start shit and was waiting for someone to say something. this wasn’t the first time either that her “jokes” have left a bad taste in peoples mouths. just a few weeks ago, she made a “joke” about matt and christ and incest. so at some point you would think it would click in her head to not say shit like that but here we are.

i originally was backing her with other issues that were happening on here. i knew she had a really large and popular blog and she was receiving a lot of unnecessary hate. a lot of people don’t like when a fan account has a big following within a fan base. i’ve seen it countless times in multiple communities. however, seeing this nonsense happen in real time and then how rory has been treated for speaking up against lies being spread about her because of rose has made any kind of support i had for rose vanish. i have the utmost respect for rory because she has been handling the situation perfectly and i’m glad that she’s not only stood up for herself but also her friend and has remained true to defending her opinion. i hope she’s taking care of her mental health rn. i know there’s lots of things being said in both peoples inboxes that are incredibly hurtful and unjustifiable. i do not condone anyone sending hateful messages or calling people slurs. all that does is pour gas on the fire. i do hope rose is alright as well. but had she just said “yk i completely understand how what i said can be hurtful i’ll take it down out of respect” all this bs wouldn’t be happening rn.

masking actual religious prejudice as a “joke” is vile. saying you have a free pass to make comments like that because you have religious trauma is not logical. if we’re to take that logic and apply it elsewhere, let’s justify serial killers because “oh no they were traumatized” or let’s justify parents neglecting their children because of generational trauma.

speaking from experience, religious trauma is hard and you have to really work to get over it but it does not justify the type of comments that we’re made. i’ve been through some shit, grew up in the south going to church my whole life. in order to overcome the trauma you have to dissect yourself in so many ways. however, i’ve never in my life thought to say horrible things towards my friends and family who continue to be religious.

#gracie’s inbox 💌

1 note · View note

ileftherbackhome · 5 months ago

Text

like i do think there needs to be space for white celebrities to be honest about the emotional realities of being politically activists as well without shaming them for feeling those emotions, right?

like yeah, maybe it's because i can only see it in a white woman perspective of having done the exact same thing before in my youth while trying to make friends with other white women but like it DOES suck and feel embarrassing when you think you're saying the right thing but nobody wants to hear it. maybe it's also my autistic perspective too because at least the narrative taylor has given us, i understand to being bullied and not understanding why as a child and being hesitant to make friends and then going into adulthood and entering a new phase (for me sorority college life ugh dont ask me id like to Forget) trying to make friends but not being able to ignore the harsh social realities of the world and trying to navigate friendship in white spaces in adulthood.

but like i just... everything i hear from political leaders and activists on the extreme left side of politics, especially globally, is that the best way to be an ally to ANY community is to call out bigotry when you hear it. however, especially for taylor swift who is very silent on political issues and who grew up idealizing the chicks, when you make that part of a public platform, it DOES come with mental health compromises.

again, if we broaden the discussion to societal standards of ethical behavior and how should allies move about in the world, we hear this narrative ALL THE FUCKING TIME from black activists on the internet. Kat Blaque is prime example of this and she talks about it often on her channel the impact it had on her back in 2016. um that one chick.... princess flowers! she also talked about her trauma regarding her harassment. like and there are many more people that have spoken out about how awful it is to be a political activist online nowadays.

do you guys think it only happens to the black activists though? the struggle with their mental health? i can only speak from my brief time on twitter before i was harrassed into getting banned for supporting amber heard but like even knowing some of the comments are fake, i had a walking dead actress put my tweet on blast onto her account. me. a fucking nobody. and it DID take an effect on MY mental health.

and i think we just have to be willing to hear it coming from white activists as well because frankly, white voices get the most validation. there IS a reason yall wanted her specifically to speak about politics after all right. her fame as a white woman, arguably The White Woman, would help get ALOT of shit done. and i guess in a way, she is tackling a political issue, it's just not one you guys are very happy about discussing i think.

like, yeah, after 2016 happened to her over the most pathetic ass petty bullshit, why WOULD she speak up about anything that matters ever again? I'm not saying i agree with her mentality but i do see how someone who is not in therapy would get to that conclusion. I've BEEN there before but for like different reasons. when you have trauma, your brain can react illogically to so many fucking things that seem normal and fine and healthy enough. thats like the point of trauma.

and i feel like honestly the reaction to i hate it here just validated her trauma response even more because i cannot even begin to describe how pathetic some of y'all were about that song. STILL are about that song. i keep thinking about how in ms americana she said that she felt like saying anything would have added fuel to the fire and she didnt want to cause harm by trying to speak out.

the hatred yall showed in response to her saying the 1830s had sexism and racism in it and would've been fun to live in..... i fear that it did the exact opposite of what yall wanted and just validated that belief for taylor and i cant help think... what's the point? was it useful? did the clowning on her make you feel happy inside? are you happy now that she refuses to talk about palestine or trump or the abortion ban?????

idk it feels so fucking destructive and mean and most of.... unnecessary.

idk if you want to ask people to challenge social norms, you have no not freak out every time they don't talk about exactly what YOU want them to bring attention to.

#personal #taylor swift #i hate it here

0 notes

movingonup-diary · 10 months ago

Text

I am so sad for my inner child. I literally feel so much grief for her, it’s my job to be the parent she deserves. My mum always had complex emotional needs that needed to be unpacked and rewired. Instead of getting the help she needed, I mean mental health was a myth in a Nigerian household, she instead made her children and husband attend to her emotional world. It’s so bad that my emotional world can only exist through an outpouring online, underneath the covers of my room or through overthinking. I find some much joy in experiencing the world with others but inside, am I happy? What does a happy internal world feel like?

I came into this relationship with a deep fear that I will be her toxic ex. Because I didn’t truly know myself. Now I know what that toxicity looks like. If I never met her, I would still have my friend. Somewhat, I’m resentful and grateful because all that was revealed was a side of my friend that I couldn’t accept. Her dark side is my trigger. To have my reality or side of the story denied because she’s too selfish to feel compersion for me. I don’t feel like I can trust people anymore. But do I have to? I trust God, humans will always be humans. Even me, this week I have been my intimidating shadow that has now scared my friends. But this shadow is how I speak with confidence and enter the spaces I am in. I am scared of no one. Especially not my mum. She needs me more than I need her. She’s already shown her hand many times. The only thing is I don’t learn into my power, the vindictive spirit I have to fuck up her toxic family system. I’m still protecting her from a total breakdown by staying tightly in my role. It’s my certainty. I fear uncertainty. What if I am harmed by others by trusting them too much?

But I am not a bitch. I will deal with the uncertainties of life by keep my principles. I don’t like being perceived as a people pleaser anymore. I like being perceived as reasonable, kind, forgiving, nurturing, helpful and a good confidant. But people pleaser no, everyone must proceed with their base lowered and ultimate guidance because I will cuss. This is also why I’m just not sure about the friendships in that group anymore. I would rather meet people one on one, people only cared about keeping up the dynamic than the fact my friend and I feel out. Did they even reach out to her to check on her? Yes I said mad shit but hearing her out does matter, even if I know she will lie. They thought I was asking her take sides, whereas I know I was taking a stand against her bullying someone with a chronic health issue and spreading a rumour and manipulation to get me to see my love interest in negative light for having her safe zones. Does the dynamic matter more than addressing bad behaviour head on? Than holding her accountable. That’s all I cared about. I assumed they had the same principles considering all the performance they do for celeb abusers. But maybe I’m projecting. But just fuck everyone. But I’m keeping the peace still. I will be investing more into my new relationships. Esp when it comes to work. I need to get into my mindstate of hustling and hustling hard. I know how to get everything going. I need to learn into everything with every fibre of my being. I don’t have time for friends that aren’t serious. That aren’t aligned with the greater mission to make a better world. They have failed the test fr.s

I think their anxiety comes from not being actually able to live up to my values. A lot of them do not support my work and it lowkey sucks. I let it be but I need more vitalising relationships, I am settling so so much. Even seeing my girl and her friends and how they pour into one another. Only very few people give me that. I need to invest more in strengthening this than reliance unfulfilling old dynamics. My roller skating club is the source of my enjoyment with friends and new friends. I am hanging out to the old rather than embracing the new where I get a lot of happiness. The old friendship dynamics is again this same thing if playing this role to reduce the anxieties of people with severe anxiety issues. They do not want to be perceived, I do want to be perceived because I want to be heard and listened to. I want to embody the voice of oppression as a powerful force change in perspectives. I want to guide the next generation of leaders. I want to open up the portals for the worlds healing through the processing of my own pain born of generations of abject poverty in Nigerian. I don’t aspire to stand on the shoulders of great leaders, I already am great by just existing, being where I am at, being alive.

1 note · View note

romijuli · 2 years ago

Text

In exchange for the vent below have my younger sis being the funniest fucking person alive

It is genuinely stunning to me that after 20+ years of living with me and observing my general existence, my parents are still completely BAFFLED by how sensory overloads work, especially when I have explained over and over and over again that the primary causes of mine are noise and crowd related. It is perhaps MORE stunning to me that my parents will repeatedly insist that my needs are important while telling me about all the people we HAAAAAVE to invite and telling me that I can have a smaller wedding if I limit it to immediate family, which definitely eliminates cousins that mister chel and myself are close with and presumably eliminates our fucking friends?

“You know we’re paying for it, right, like you don’t have to pay us back” when did we decide this? Did I come to you and ask for you to pay for my wedding? Or did you guys just decide this yourselves and put down a whole bunch of stipulations that I never agreed to, and COULDNT have agreed to on account of I didn’t know about them until after I mentioned that, between my sensory overload issues and mister chel just generally being opposed to inviting people he doesn’t know, we would prefer a smaller wedding?

I didn’t even get to pick the guests for my fucking engagement party! My parents put together a list for my side and then told me I HAAAAAAAAAAAAAVE to invite all the engagement party guests to the wedding. Several of whom are vocally homophobic or transphobic. One of whom (my aunt) has actively forbidden my cousin—not even her kid! My cousin just happens to live with that aunt!—from transitioning because the idea of living with a trans person apparently makes her uncomfortable. Another of whom (my uncle) would absolutely disown his trans granddaughter (aforementioned cousin) if she ever came out to him. (And also keeps misidentifying himself as my godfather—he’s not, he’s my sister’s godfather, which speaks volumes about how much of a shit he gives about my branch of the family—but that’s a side issue.)

If my needs are so important, why do you keep coming up with bullshit “solutions” to my sensory overloads instead of actually listening when I tell you, hey, having this many people at my wedding is going to send me into a sensory overload/panic attack/mental breakdown? No, a fucking weighted blanket on my lap will not help. No, having stim toys at my table will not help, even if you put them AT EVERY TABLE TO “MAKE IT LESS WEIRD”, AN ACTUAL SUGGESTION MY MOTHER HAS OFFERED FOR MY FUCKING WEDDING. No, a fucking scavenger hunt will DEFINITELY not help, which you would know if you actually paid attention when the Google search for “sensory friendly weddings”—which I also googled—gave you seventeen results for accommodating GUESTS, primarily CHILDREN, and the one or two results regarding sensory issues in the actual couple emphasized A SMALL, INTIMATE WEDDING. Or if you googled sensory overloads and looked at the five different health website articles that said “idk sometimes meds help but really if you’re having a sensory overload Just Fucking Leave”.

“I’m not trying to pressure you either way” oh yeah because telling me I’ll get less gifts and won’t have a place to recover from potential sensory overload if I have a smaller wedding is DEFINITELY not pressuring me into a bigger wedding, not at ALL.

And yet when I call out this bs I get told “oh we’re not putting social obligations over your needs” uh huh. If that were the case you’d fucking listen to me. I can’t even be like “hey if you guys are going to be like this we’ll pay for the wedding ourselves” because when I tried that my dad told me it was “insulting.” God.

This isn’t even addressing the fact that mom REALLY wants me to incorporate “subtle” pride themes into the wedding while also having complained that I’m not getting married in a church and that her “Catholic bloodline” is “dying” despite my sister being a regular fucking churchgoer. Like ma’am. I have they/them pronouns set on my Facebook. Do you honestly think they’re going to let me get married in a church. didn’t you go on a rant about how it’s SOOOOOO HAAAAAAARD for you that I’m not fully out. You know that a church wedding would force me back in the closet right.

Mom: maybe you could ease your overstimulation by having something interactive? Like a scavenger hunt?

A) do you understand the concept of overstimulation b) AT MY FUCKING WEDDING???????

#sorry for wedding venting I’m just so tired

2 notes · View notes

bonky-n-steeb · 4 years ago

Text

𝐵𝑅𝐸𝐴𝑇𝐻𝐸

𝙿𝙰𝚁𝚃 𝚃𝙷𝚁𝙴𝙴

𝘿𝘼𝙍𝙆!𝘽𝙐𝘾𝙆𝙔 𝘽𝘼𝙍𝙉𝙀𝙎 𝙭 𝙍𝙀𝘼𝘿𝙀𝙍 | 𝙈𝙊𝘽!𝙎𝙏𝙀𝙑𝙀 𝙍𝙊𝙂𝙀𝙍𝙎 𝙓 𝙍𝙀𝘼𝘿𝙀𝙍

𝗦𝗨𝗠𝗠𝗔𝗥𝗬: Your life is as good as it gets. The perfect husband, the perfect daughter, the perfect job. But what you are unaware is that your husband is a deadly assassin and your long-lost friend, now a fearsome mob boss is hell bent on getting you back. But what you don’t know can't hurt you, right?

𝗪𝗔𝗥𝗡𝗜𝗡𝗚𝗦: psychological disorder, PTSD, domestic abuse, yandere, obsession, violence, cursing. If you find any of this triggering please DNI. Also inform me if I left something out.

ᴛʜɪs ɪs ɴᴏᴛ ʙᴇᴛᴀ ʀᴇᴀᴅ, sᴏ ᴀʟʟ ᴍɪsᴛᴀᴋᴇs ᴀʀᴇ ᴍʏ ᴏᴡɴ

My previous account was deleted so I’ll be posting the stories again. I’ll be changing this one, so yeah.

Inform me if y’all wanna be tagged!

As the Winter Soldier entered the house, his instincts kicked in. The house was too quiet for his liking. He kept the bags on the sofa and started climbing up the stairs towards your bedroom. Oh, how much he loved you. You had never left his side, not when he lost his arm, not when the guilt became too much to live with and he cried his eyes out near you while you said sweet nothings into his ears. He wanted to keep you by side always, he wasn’t ever letting you go. Soon he was going to ask you to leave your job and stay at home looking after him and Iris.

He couldn’t stand to see the tired look in your eyes, how you managed everything, your job, your kid, the house and most importantly him. In the beginning he was afraid you wouldn’t love him, that you would only love Bucky, but you loved him just as much; though you were unaware that he existed in Bucky. Bucky was an idiot to let you roam free and be away from him, especially when the world is filled with cruel people. He was a fool to let you be friends with Thor or any man in general. You were only his and Bucky’s. He was Bucky only, but he was much stronger and capable than Bucky. He was the one who would protect you, not Bucky. The Soldat loved you much more than Bucky ever could.

As he opened the door, he noticed you were in the bathroom. As he entered inside, for a second even he was shocked. You were sitting with your legs folded and staring wide eyed at his computer. He noticed you were watching his files and videos and you were so dumbstruck that you didn’t even notice him standing at the door.

But seeing you watch him do the deed sent a weird wave of pride through him. He wasn’t ever going to tell you any of this, after all it was highly confidential and your life could have been jeopardized. But seeing you now, watching his skilled work with awe, made his chest swell with pride. He deserved to get his work appreciated by his wife; after all, he had put sweat and blood in it, and you weren't even aware, but not anymore. What he failed to notice was that it wasn’t awe on your face, it was unadulterated fear.

He could clearly see as your eyes filled with tears and you pressed a hand on your face. He knew you were scared, but he would tell you not to be. For you, there was nothing to be afraid of him. As you started to puke, he went and held your hair in one hand while with the other he quietly shushed you. The last thing he wanted was to see you suffer. He wanted to protect you, keep you safe from the world, not hurt you.

After you emptied your stomach, you slouched besides the toilet and huffed loudly. The tears from your eyes weren't stopping. “Peeking in other people’s stuff ain’t a good habit, doll.” he said calmly as he folded his hands while leaning against the door frame.

Your eyes widened when you realized that it was Bucky shushing you all this while. But why would he do that, now that you had found his secret. Maybe he was being merciful before killing you. Wait, he was going to kill you!!! You had seen top secret information and there was no going back. You averted your gaze from him as you stared at the laptop. Another video of Bucky’s murders running on it.

You couldn't exactly make out what the video was as your eyes were filled with unshed tears. “He had a big ass fence and four huge dogs guarding the house. But well, all dogs can be lured by treats.” he said shrugging as if he was talking about your neighbors' dogs and not of the person he had killed. And you realized he regretted nothing; he was talking about murdering people with pride rather than guilt.

“Make it quick.” your voice was barely audible as pathetic sobs escaped your eyes. The Winter Soldier titled his head in confusion, “And what made you think that I’m going to kill you?” you looked up at him with even more fear. “I wasn’t supposed to see all this. And I’ve seen enough movies and read enough books to know what happens when you see stuff you aren't supposed to.” you shivered violently at the thought.

The Soldier chuckled dryly “You are right, if they know that you’ve seen all this, then they wouldn’t bat an eyelid in executing you. But... who is going to tell them? Not me for sure. I just need one promise, you aren't ever going to tell this to anyone, no matter what, no matter whose life is at stake. You are going to pretend you never saw any of this. Delete all this from your brain right now!” he ordered.

His commanding voice sent shivers down your spine, “I promise, I promise not to tell anyone....... I'm sorry, please.” you had no idea for what you were apologizing or pleading for. “It's okay.” he said with a faint smile as he picked you up gently and you wondered whether it was the same man capable of killing people in the blink of an eye. As you quietly sat on the bed, you dared not look at him; he on the other hand was lovingly staring at you.

You wanted to tell him to give up this job and start anew, but you knew this wasn't the right timing. “Don't worry, I’ll keep you safe. You don’t have to do anything. Just sign your resignation and I'll turn it in. You'll be safe in this house. You don't even have to ever leave it. The hospital doesn’t even pay you enough for your handwork.”

You looked at Bucky with shock and betrayal, you absolutely adored your work. You wouldn’t ever give up being a surgeon and saving lives. You had spent years trying to reach where you were today, and you loved doing what you did. How could Bucky ever say something like that. He was always so supportive but well, he wasn’t the same Bucky he once was.

“You wouldn’t ever meet any other man. Doll, you don't know how this world is, there are lunatics, murderers and all kinds of bad people. But I’ve vowed to keep you safe and I will. Just don’t, just don’t stop loving me.”

“You are joking right? You don’t mean that... do you?” You asked unsure of his words. “Why would I joke about this?” Your heart beat so loudly that you knew he heard it. To keep you inside your house like a prisoner, had he lost his mind? You enjoyed your freedom more than anything. And at that exact moment you realized that Bucky had utterly and completely lost his sanity.

“You can’t do that! I love my job and I’m not resigning anytime soon. I have friends for Christ’s sake. I have a goddamn life James! What the hell do you mean I won’t see any other men?” You lost your cool. Enough was enough. He couldn’t control your life; you wouldn’t let him.

You took a deep breath; you didn’t want him to misinterpret your next words and ignore you. “James, I believe it should be the other way around. I think it’s time you drop being a hit man. It’s not safe...” at your words he tilted his head and squinted his eyes. But still you continued, “It’s clearly dangerous. The things you’re doing, they could jeopardize all our lives, you, me, Iris. And the way you kill...” you cleared your throat and shook your head.

“It’s not safe for your mental health too. Look Buck, you think I don’t know, but I know you secretly cry at night. You feel guilty, so just stop now. We’ll work it through before it’s too late.” You said while rubbing his arm.

“Think about Rissie, she misses her dad so much when you are gone. Maybe take a job where you won’t have to leave and you can be with her so much more. Also... the lives that you’ve... umm.... they are taking a toll on you. You are not present with us anymore Buck, you stare off and don’t give a shit as to what we say. And it’s not just me that notices. You get irritated so quickly, it’s difficult Bucky. But it can all change if you want, Buck.”

Soldat’s talented ears ignored every word you said and only paid attention to the fact that you care about him so much. He doubted that you would get hysterical knowing what he did, but instead you were worried for him. You were ready to forgive him. He was the luckiest bastard.

You saw his love-struck expression and you knew he wants listening to you. “Bucky...!!??? Listen to what I’m saying! Leave that goddamn job!” You lost your cool and yelled at him.

“Do you know why I took that job? They gave me a chance! They gave me my arm back. I would’ve hated being a burden to you and now look, I’m capable to taking care of you. You don’t understand, I can’t leave that job. They gave birth to me.” Your heart ached at his words.

“Bucky, nothing matters if I’m gonna lose you...!!! You are all that matters. And working for Hydra hasn’t fixed you; it had broken you even more. I miss my Bucky. Please, ple....”

At your words, the Winter Soldier snapped his head towards you, “What did you say? Huh, you miss who?” You narrowed your eyes and you couldn’t quite get the meaning of his words. “What? I said I missed Buck, you were so sweet not controlling, I just...” you stopped talking seeing the deadly expression on his face.

“That idiot Bucky is not going to save you! It’s me! I’m the one who will keep you safe. I love you so much more than Bucky ever has. Don’t you understand. Bucky is weak and he is not coming back.” You winced at his cruel words.

“James, you are the Soldat right now? You.... you need help.” You stuttered. At your words Soldat lost his cool, couldn’t you understand and accept his love for you. He raised his flesh arm and slapped you across the face. What was in Bucky that wasn’t in him. He was right, you only loved him as you thought it was Bucky; you didn’t love the Soldat. But he was Bucky, too right?

“Bucky!!!” You held your stinging cheek. You might have tolerated his words but how dare he hit you? You weren’t the one going to sit back and take his shit. In the heat of the moment, you slapped him back. “How dare you?” you screamed at him. He just closed his eyes and took a deep breath; he knew he had messed up big time. The Soldat was scared of one thing: your anger and resentment in him. He hated when he upset you.

“James enough is enough. I’ve had too much of your shit! All I try to do is support you and care for you. I literally handle this house, a job, I look after Rissie, and I take care of you like you are a child. Not once have I ever complaint.

James, I love you so much, but it’s so taxing! Love is not supposed hurt; it’s not supposed to be one sided. I try everything I can to help you. But you? You just don’t care! All you do is come up with stupider excuses. Keeping me home? Making me leave my job? What the fuck is wrong with you?” You shook your head and pinched your nose.

“Look James, I can’t do this anymore. I think we should take a break. We both need to breathe. We need to take a look at things from a different perspective....” before you could continue, he snapped.

On moment you were trying to talk some sense into him and the next you were pinned to the wall with his metal arm squeezing the life out of you. Your eyes widened and you desperately tried to breathe, but he had blocked your windpipe. “Jame...” you couldn’t even continue your sentence.

The Soldat was furious. How could you? How could you suggest that he leave you? You didn’t need a break, you needed him. Only him. And he was going to prove it to you. He wouldn’t let you leave. You started banging your hands on his arm but it was of no use. His eyes were dead, like in the videos. And that scared you more.

Finally, your arms gave out and you were on the verge of passing out. Yet that didn’t stop him, he was a madman with a point to prove. But then a small blood vessel burst open in your left cheek. And when Bucky noticed that, he came back to his senses.

He quickly left his grip and ran back, bumping into the bed. You sagged back down the wall, wheezing. For minutes or for hours you couldn’t tell, you both didn’t dare move. You were shivering and sobbing. And he was contemplating everything, how could he?

He wasn’t the Winter Soldier right now, he was Bucky. Why did the Soldat had to ruin everything? He was fine till it was limited to killing, but ruining his marriage. What could he ever possibly do to make up to you?

Bucky was the first one to speak up, “I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry. I... that wasn’t me; or maybe that was. I don’t know. I’m so confused. You were right, I shouldn’t have joined Hydra. I... I don’t know what to say, what to do.... ,,.... please say something, don’t stay quiet. Please.!” He pleaded with tears in his eyes.

“Tell me, tell me what shall I say so that you wouldn’t snap.” Your voice was hoarse and it was hurting to even say one sentence. “You are right, we should give each other space.” His heart broke to million pieces, but he knew it was right. The Soldat could come back any moment and he was too unstable to stay with you and Rissie.

“I’ll... uhmm.. I’ll leave. I can come here for an hour everyday till...” he suggested. “Please, please don’t. You are too scary. Think about Iris. Just go to Rachel, you’ve denied it for too long and look at us. If she says you are stable enough, come back anytime. But... not before.” Rachel was your friend and an excellent psychiatrist. “Oh, okay. Forgive me please. I’m sorry...”

“Leave please!” You quietly observed as he picked up his duffel bag, which was packed all the time for emergency, and left the room. You got up and followed him, all while thinking of the beautiful moments you shared with Bucky. “Goodbye.” He said and you nodded as he left the house in his car.

“Umm, are you okay? I was worried, I don’t mean to pry. I just heard some commotion.” Sam said as he entered your front yard. Sam was neighbor and a dear friend. He had moved in soon after you had. But you had known each other much before that. He used to frequently visit your hospital with one reason or another. You guessed he had a thing for one of the nurses but he never agreed. He was a light hearted person and you enjoyed his company.

“Yeah, I’m fine. I appreciate your concern.” you tried your best to smile. His eyes quickly went to the bruises on your neck. “You don’t have to be formal, tell me. We are friends. Are you fine? Do you need something.” You couldn’t stop your tears at his concern.

“I’m not fine, but I don’t want to talk about it right now.” You said wiping the tears off. “If you need me, anytime, I’m just one call away.” He gave you a warm smile. “Thanks Sam. I’m so glad you are my friend.”

“You are hell bent on giving me diabetes with your sweet words, lady. Take care of yourself. I’ll be right next door.” He said as he saw you walk into the house.

He quickly exited your house and removed his phone from his pajama. He had to make a call.

☮︎︎☮︎︎☮︎︎☮︎︎☮︎︎

You were in your own thoughts. Bucky hadn’t once called you or showed up in the past six days. You had expected him to come back the next day or at least call.

As you walked back home from the hospital, you didn’t notice the huge Greek god of a man walk straight into you. “I’m sorry.” You said out of instinct without looking up.

You stopped right in your tracts when you heard a familiar yet much affirmative voice calling your name. You turned around and stared right into his eyes. He had changed, become much much bigger and stronger than before. But his eyes, they were the same.

“Steve?!” you asked with sudden excitement. He gave you a radiant smile which instantly improved your day.

Lost in the joy of meeting your long-lost friend, you were both unaware of the pair of eyes keenly observing your every move.

#chris evans #sebastian stan #mcu #marvel #dark!bucky x reader #dark!bucky #mob!steve x reader #mob!steve #winter soldier #winter soldier x reader #steve rogers x reader #bucky barnes x reader #Steve Rogers #Bucky Barnes

283 notes · View notes

parkersroses · 4 years ago

Text

delicate. | harry styles.

summary: two lonely people find solace in each other for the night and something delicate blossoms from it.

pairing: harry styles x fem!reader

wc: 6.1k

warning(s): fluff and smut (a first attempt at it)

a/n: aaah i’m excited and nervous to post this. i guess it’s considered a Christmas fic because it’s set around that time. i do hope you guys enjoy this! i also wanna wish you all happy holidays! side note, i recently made a ko-fi account, so if you’re able to and like my writing, feel free to donate to it! anyways, enjoy! reblogs/feedbacks are very much appreciated! all my love and stay safe <3 (disclaimer: the gif rightfully belongs to @hampsteadharry )

He pushed through the door of the bar, jazz music filling up his ears as he wandered to get a seat. He sighed as he sat on a bar stool, waiting for someone to attend to him and possibly give him the strongest drink here if he felt like it.

Harry felt tired. He’s been tired and exhausted for a while now. Tired from work. Tired from the glitz and glam. Tired of people getting close to him because of his name and status. Just mentally and physically exhausted. But that’s not to dismiss the fact that he still loves his job. He loves and enjoys making music and seeing his fans - who he declared as the best fans in the world - singing back his songs to him.

Though, there comes a time where he doesn’t enjoy it as much as he thought he should lately. Being a well-known singer, songwriter and actor seemed pretty cool but no one knows how tiring and raining it could be. Always having to prove yourself and explaining yourself because of ridiculous rumours that articles make up. Always ending up hurt when you found out your friends were using you because of how well-known you were.

So, he announced that he’d be taking a break from all that. Of course, there was an uproar from his fans but in the end, they understood and sent him lovely messages about having to keep his mental health his main priority.

So now, here he was, sitting at a bar, trying to drink away his emotions. Perhaps, he would find a girl that he could go home with to fill in the empty space of his bed for the night. His break was quite eye-opening to say the least. Harry realised how alone he felt. He thought it was just all in his head because how could he be lonely even when he still had few of his friends around? But he didn’t know that being alone and still feeling alone were different.

And the irony of it nearly being Christmas, there wasn’t much magic or cheer going around for him at the moment. He’ll have to get his shit together before going back to visit his family for the holidays.

“What can I get ya?” a voice snapped Harry out of his thoughts. A woman stood before him behind the bar, he realised it was one of the bartenders there. She wore a long sleeved black shirt, the sleeves rolled up until her elbows. Her long hair was tied up into a ponytail, strands of hair framing around her face. He thought she was pretty. Beautiful, he would say.

Bartender lady snapped her fingers at his face, knocking him out of his thoughts once again. “Seemed to be far away there. Are you sure you’re good here? In a bar?” She said and she smirked at Harry. He felt the blood rushed to his cheeks, having been caught staring at the pretty bartender lady.

“S-Sorry. A whiskey for now will do,” he said softly. Pretty bartender lady smiled at him and nodded. “Alright, then,” she said, heading off to get his drink.

Harry’s eyes followed her figure, almost like he was entranced by her. He was not sure why he did. Seconds later, she put his drink on a coaster in front of him. “Thanks,” he quietly said as he picked up his drink.

“Don’t mention it. You seemed like you need it,” she said almost knowingly. He chuckled at her words. Well, she got that right. “Yeah, just trying to clear my head a bit,” he shrugged at her.

Pretty bartender lady nodded. “Rough day?” She inquired. Harry raised an eyebrow at her question. He probably thought that she was trying to make a conversation other than cleaning shot glasses. He hesitated a little, thinking she might just be another fan and might spill whatever that comes out of his mouth to the nearest journalist. But then, he remembered that he’s already one drink down to probably getting drunk and his mind won’t really care even if he woke up hungover the next day.

So, he shrugged at her question. “Guess you could say that,” he said as he set down the empty shot glass. “I don’t know. I guess I just have a lot of things in my mind. And drinking does numb my emotions a bit. If that made sense,” he chose to say as he looked at her.

She only giggled at his words. “That sounds quite deep. Should write a song about it,” she joked and for a second, Harry thought she knew about him. Because for once, he’d like to talk to someone who’s unaware of his celebrity status. Someone who’d talked to him with a sense of normalcy. Instead of talking to the famous Harry Styles.

“Maybe I should. And I’ll credit you in it,” he joked. She laughed, throwing her head back as she did. “Oh gosh, I always wanted to be a famous songwriter,” she said dramatically. They both laughed at this. It was weird to Harry, this scene felt so normal, it felt as if he knew her for a while now.

She nodded at his empty glass. “Want another?” She asked. Harry thought about it before asking. “Actually, what’s your favourite drink?” Pretty bartender lady was surprised to say the least, but smiled at Harry. “Why?” He only smiled back. “‘Cause I want another drink. And I want to treat you one too. I’ll even pay for yours, love,”

She blushed at this, not expecting him to be so forward yet sweet. “Cheeky, aren’t you?” She said smiling at him, and she noticed a hint of blush on his cheeks. “My mum always taught me to be a gentleman,” he shrugged,

She chuckled at this. “Fine then. I’ll be right back,” she said, going to get whatever her favourite drink was for Harry. Harry smiled as she walked away. He couldn’t help but feel some sort of liking towards her, but not knowing why. Maybe because she was just a pretty bartender lady.

She returned later with two glasses of her ‘favourite drink’ and set them in front of him. Harry was skeptical to see the strange colour of liquid, raising an eyebrow at her. She only smiled and raised her glass up.

“Bottoms up,” she said as she drank from her glass.

Harry sniffed the drink a bit before thinking he was being silly and drank it. As the sweet taste hit his taste buds, he chuckled as he shook his head. “Apple juice? Really?” He questioned.

She laughed as she took another sip on her drink. “Well, you asked for my favourite drink and I gave it to you,” she said with a smirk in her face. “So, you don’t drink?” he asked curiously. She shrugged at him. “A bit sometimes. Just don’t prefer it unless I wanna get really drunk,” she let out a small laugh. Harry chuckled at her words, finding himself agreeing with her.

Harry noticed how pretty of a smile she had. He didn’t know why a tiny detail like that stuck out to him. He found himself quite intrigued with the pretty bartender lady, which he realised he had been calling her that in his head without knowing her name. He stared into her eyes and found himself hypnotized by them. Suddenly, it seemed like they were the only two people in the room. Okay, stop. She’ll think you’re weird.

It was as if his mind took control over him and he found himself asking her, “When do you get off?” He asked, his eyes widening after realising the words that came out of his mouth.

What the fuck!?, he thought.

She was surprised, her mouth agape as she processed what he had just asked. But she seemed to compose herself quickly. “And why do you wanna know?” She asked nervously.

Harry paused before choosing his next words carefully. “Because you seem really cool to talk too. And I’d like to talk to you more,” he said. He was nibbling on his bottom lip, a habit he had whenever he got nervous. He shrugged before he continued, “It’s nice to have a friend, you know?”

Pretty bartender lady - and Harry swore he’ll get her name soon - nodded at him and smiled. Like she knew what he meant. “I’ll be off at 10,” she said. It was only 30 minutes until then. Harry was initially surprised at this, not thinking whether she would agree to - whatever he wanted to with her later.

He nodded in response. “I’ll, uh, wait for you here, then,” he spoke nervously. She chuckled and took their glasses away so she could clean and attend to the other customers before her boss yelled at her.

As she walked away, Harry called out to her. “Wait!” She turned around, eyes wide when he called her. “Um, what’s your name?” He asked. She smiled as her heart melted at the innocent question.

“It’s Y/N,” she replied.

Harry nodded, a small timid smile appearing on his face. “I’m Harry,” he said.

She smiled and nodded at his short introduction. Now, the pretty guy with forest green eyes had a name she could call him. “I’ll see you later, Harry,” she said as she returned to the back of the bar.

Harry sighed, seeming to be smitten already by her. “Yeah. See you later,” he said softly to himself.

❋

Now, Y/N was no idiot. She knew who Harry Styles was.

She wasn’t like the biggest fan, but she appreciated his music and thought he was a lovely guy in general, according to the fan experiences she read. She didn’t know much about him, other than he was a former member of a very successful boyband and his music was just incredible. Plus, she thought he was pretty handsome.

And when she saw him walking through the doors of the bar, she had to take a double take to make sure her eyes weren’t deceiving her.

She usually took her job quite seriously, she was polite to all customers and made sure they were always satisfied with their drinks or snacks. It was usually because she wanted to get the tips she needed to pay her rent. So, when Harry sat down by the bar, she couldn’t help herself but go to him.

But now, she was supposed to meet him after her shift. Which was strange to her because all she did was being nice to him and making up a conversation. Did he realise that she was pretending to not know him? Was this some sort of mind trick that was playing on her? Though, he mentioned how it was nice to have a friend. Maybe there was something behind that phrase that meant something deeper to him.

It was already 10 PM. Y/N said goodbye to her coworkers as she grabbed her scarf and coat from her locker. Her heart was beating fast because she realised she was about to go on a little rendezvous with Harry Styles, well, that was what she thought.

She wasn’t expecting anything. She honestly thought he might have just left, realising how silly it was to wait for a bartender friend he just made.

But she walked towards the front of the bar and he was still sitting in his seat like he said he would, waiting for her. And she felt like her heart might burst.

❋

Harry didn’t think he’d find himself sitting at a 24-hour diner, eating some waffles with a pretty friend he just met at nearly 11 PM. He was starting to blame that one whiskey drink he asked for earlier as to be honest, he didn’t know what was happening.

When he met Y/N in front of the bar after the shift, he was nervous, shifting on his feet in habit. When Y/N asked him what he had in mind, he froze because he realised he didn’t think this through. All he wanted was to talk to pretty bartender lady Y/N. The rest was all hazy to him. Luckily, Y/N just laughed at this and guided him to her favourite diner.

They both ordered waffles with honey and blueberry toppings, courtesy of Y/N as she said they were the best waffles she ever had. Y/N got herself a chocolate smoothie while Harry just ordered a nice hot tea. It was a nice little meal.

“So, Harry, what brings you here to LA?” Y/N asked him as she munched on her waffles.

Harry sipped on his tea before clearing his throat. “Uh, I live here, mostly for work. But I’m on a break now,” he said, not giving out too much information. “Hmm. But you haven’t lived here long, I assume. Could tell by your accent,” she said knowingly.

He smiled at this. “Yeah? You like my accent, darlin’?” he teased her and pride filled himself as he saw her cheeks flaring up in the colour red. “Quite the flirt, are ya? But yes, your accent is cute,” she said as she ate. “Good to know,” he smiled and winked at her.

Y/N rolled her eyes at him as she blushed. He seemed to be quite the flirt, teasing her and calling her pet names. If it were any other guy, she would’ve just left. She admitted that she might not have the best ways in maintaining a relationship. It was always whether she was too picky or bossy and her insecurities always got the best of her. She was used to feeling of being used for sex and her body even when she wanted to believe they wanted something more out of it. She closed herself off from love for a while now. While everyone said that her time will come, she just ignored them. Her main priority was herself and that was for sure.

But there was something about Harry that was pulling her in. He wasn’t far from what the papers write about him but at the same time, he was. He seemed somewhat closed off as she was. She didn’t want to pry, she’d never do that. It was like he was in this fish tank surrounded by spectators watching his every move. Maybe the life he has had somewhat prevented him from forming a real, honest attachment. Or maybe she was just making this all up.

She sipped on her smoothie, her eyes focused on his. She realised how green his eyes were looking up close. “So, I have a question. And I want you to answer this as truthfully as possible,” she said, propping her head on the palms of her hands. Harry raised an eyebrow at her, chuckling a bit before nodding. “Alright, love. Lay it on me,” he said, leaning back on the booth.

Y/N blushed at the pet name given and cleared her throat. “Why did you want to see me?”

It was silent between them. Harry should’ve known this question would come up. Truthfully, he didn’t know how to answer it, he was never one to make friends with a random person and go on a little rendezvous late at night. He shrugged at this, “Like I told you, it’s nice to have a friend,”

“That couldn’t be all,” Y/N smiled. “You don’t seem like the kind of person to befriend a bartender and go out with her for a late supper the same night,” Harry blushed at this and scratched the back of his ear with his finger. “I don’t know. Maybe I just wanted to be spontaneous a bit,”

Y/N hummed at this, sipping on her drink. Harry’s eyes were trained on her and she somehow found that a bit intimidating. “I got off work just to clear my mind a bit,” he continued. “Sometimes, I’d go out with my friends, I’d meet some girls and spend the night with them, just to feel something. Just to not be alone,” This was the most Harry had opened up to someone in a while.

“But you still feel alone,” Y/N spoke. Harry frowned at this, not quite sure what she meant. “You could be with someone, and still would feel alone. I get that,” she explained.

Harry’s mouth was agape. “Y-Yeah, I guess,” he mumbled out. “Can I ask you something?”

“Go ahead,”

“You really don’t know me, do you?” he asked, cocking his head to the side. She let out a small laugh. “I knew who you were the moment you stepped foot into that bar,” she said. Harry’s eyes widened. All this time, he was glad he thought Y/N didn’t know him but she treated him like any other normal person. But she knew all along.

“That was.. Surprising,” he chuckled as he ran his hands through his curly locks. “But, you didn’t seem to look like y’know me. Treated me like a normal person,” She stifled a laugh. “Well, would you rather I’d treat you like royalty? Curtsey in front of you?” She joked.

Harry laughed at this. “No, no. It was nice. It’s good t’just pretend your life is normal for once,” he nodded at her. “I’m sure you have some friends that treat you like you are just Harry,” she smiled.

Harry only shrugged at this, “A few of them do. When you’re in the industry long enough, you’d know how to tell apart the few people that are honest and real with you and the many who just use you sometimes.” Y/N frowned at this but nodded. While she couldn’t connect to being in the same industry as him, she knew perfectly how it feels like to be used by people you allowed yourself to get close to.

He brought his cup of tea to his lips, realising how cold it was getting. “You want some?” He offered his drink to her. Y/N nodded, taking the cup from him. “You like tea?” She asked.

“I do, but I prefer coffee,” he smiled at this random conversation. “Please tell me you don’t take your coffee black,” Y/N narrowed her eyes at him, as if she was daring him to admit it. Harry smirked and shrugged at her. “Sorry, love. It’s the best way to have coffee,”

“No, it’s not! It’s so bitter!” Y/N exclaimed and laughed at this. “I don’t think this would work out,” she pouted. Harry swore his heart beated a little faster, seeing her lips pout. He wondered how they’d feel against his. “What wouldn’t work out, love?” He smiled at her.

Y/N blushed at this, looking down at her lap before she looked at him again. “Whatever you want this to be,”

They spent their time getting to know each other and by the time it was midnight, Harry ended up paying for their meals, ignoring her protests as he did. Y/N was tempted to wipe off that smug smile off his face. The December air howled as the night went on as the decorative holiday lights lit up the street they walked on. The two walked side by side, their hands brushing against each other’s. If Harry had the guts, he would intertwine their hands together. But he didn’t. Not yet, at least.

“Random question, but do you prefer sunrises and sunsets?” she asked out of the blue. Harry thought for a moment before answering, “M’not sure, actually. Never really paid attention to them all that much.” Y/N nodded at his answer.

“Sometimes I like to wake up early just to see the sunrise,” Y/N spoke. Harry looked at her, raising an eyebrow. “Yeah? You like sunrises?” he asked gently, the cold air making his breath visible to see. “I do. I like sunsets too. But no one ever stops to appreciate the sunrises,” she sighed.

“Maybe it’s because they can’t be bothered to wake up so early,” Harry joked, making her laugh. “Yeah. Well, I do that. My apartment has a nice view of it. It’s nice. The city is just beginning to wake up. The golden glow casted upon it,”

Harry nodded at her. “Is this your way of inviting me over?” He teased. Y/N paused, her cheeks flaming up. It wasn’t her intention, but she might as well have done so. Harry was a nice company to keep and she liked him. She really did like him. “Maybe,” she mumbled.

Harry smiled at her sudden shyness. It was something he liked about her. He really liked her. And he wanted her to take him back to her home, as pathetic as that made him seem.

“Well, lead the way, darlin’,”

Y/N struggled to put her keys into the keyhole of her apartment. Nervous was an understatement for her. She had a really sweet and attractive man waiting behind her and she was about to invite him in. She was almost sweating at the thought and she didn’t know why.

She opened the door, letting the warm air of her small apartment flow through them. Harry found it quite cozy. There were plants placed in different corners of the room, he noticed a record player by the television. There was also an easel standing by it. It was small, unlike his luxurious houses, but homey.

“You paint?” He asked. Y/N blushed at this, she forgot to put away your paint and clean up. In her defense, she didn’t think you would have company tonight. “Yeah, s’just a hobby. And somewhat a side hustle,” she said, taking off her coat and putting in on the couch. Harry did the same, subtly wiping his sweaty palms against his dark jeans.

“Uh, d-do you want something to drink?” she asked nervously. Idiot, you just had drinks. “Or, if y’want, I have some chocolate chip cookies. If you like chocolate chip cookies. I mean, y’don’t have to but-,” Y/N was cut off upon hearing Harry chuckling at her, his expression amused as he listened to her nervous rambling.

“Don’t worry, darlin’. I’m good,” he said, smiling at her. She blushed again at the use of the pet name.

It was silence, the only thing that could be heard was their breathing as they looked at each other. Harry slowly walked over, Y/N’s breath hitched as he did so. She was nervous and she was scared, she hadn’t done this in a long time. His arm settled on her waist and it was the first time he touched her. His eyes, green as ever and filled with lust and passion, were focused on hers. She could feel his breath hitting her face due to the proximity between them.

Y/N gently placed her hands on his chest, feeling it rising up and down as he breathed. His forehead was already pressing against hers, their noses slightly brushing against each other. “Can I kiss you?” Harry finally asked ever so softly. And Y/N couldn’t help but nod her head. “Please,”

His lips crashed into hers, gently at first, but she kissed him harder, making it more passionate. She could hear him moan into the kiss as their tongues battled for dominance. His hands travelled lower to her backside, she moaned aloud as he squeezed them. When they pulled away, they would instantly pull into another kiss again, wanting to be close. Harry lowered his hands further behind her thighs, signaling her to jump so he could hold her tightly against him.

“Y/N, I won’t be able to stop,” he said, gasping for air. Y/N only kissed him again, replying as her lips were against his. “Then, don’t,”

Y/N wasn’t sure how they made it to her room, laying nearly naked on her bed. She just realised how many tattoos he had on his body. She traced over the art scattered over his skin delicately. “Harry,” she whimpered as she felt his hardened length grinding against her core. She could feel her arousal seeping through her underwear. She gasped as he pressed kisses down her neck onto her collarbones, her eyes rolling back when he sucked a sweet spot there. His fingers entangled themselves between hers, squeezing them tightly.

“Harry, please,”

“I got you, baby. Gonna take my time with you,” he said gently as he kissed her forehead.

Y/N could feel her heart beamed at the sweet gesture. She had one-night stands before, but none of them felt as intimate as with Harry. The way he kissed her, held her, it almost felt right. And she wondered if he felt it too.

When they’re fully naked and Harry lined himself against her, he looked at her, as if he was asking if she was still sure of this; if she wanted this; if she wanted him. Her eyes were shining as the moonlight shone through her curtains, her hair sprawled against her pillow. She was beautiful and ethereal. He almost couldn’t believe it.

A nod from her was all it took for him to push himself in, the two moaning in relief as pleasure shot through their bodies. He slowly thrusted, taking his time with her. The feeling of euphoria running through their bodies as they held each other close. Her legs were wrapped around his hips, wanting to keep his warm body close to her. “Harry, faster,” Y/N pleaded.

It was almost like a switch went off his head before Harry spreaded her legs further, thrusting harder and further into her. Moans and groans filled the room and the scent of sex and sweat filled the air. Harry had his head buried into the crook of her neck, breathing hard as he felt the pleasure burning at the bottom of his spine. He was close and he knew she was too from the way she was clenching around him.

“You close, baby?” He breathed out as he looked at her. The bed was creaking with every movement they made. Y/N moaned in ecstasy as she nodded her head, trying to keep her eyes on him. She didn’t want to miss a thing with him.

Harry took her by surprise by pulling out, lifting her up so she sat on his lap. He guided himself into herself, groaning as she welcomed him in her. Y/N moaned loudly as she felt him hit deeper, feeling herself clenching around him. She quickly began to move against him, smiling as she saw Harry shut his eyes in pleasure, murmuring her name. “C-Close, Harry, fuck,” she groaned as she moved faster.

Harry sat up and wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her closer as if it was possible. He thrusted his hips upwards against hers, adding to the euphoric pleasure that was coursing through them. “I know, baby. Fuck, y’feel so good around me,” he moaned out, looking at her with hooded eyes. She wrapped her arms around his neck, their heavy breaths hitting each other’s faces.

It was only a glance into his forest green eyes that triggered her high. She moaned out loud, her body shaking against him, and just the sight of her high triggered Harry’s. He groaned against her neck and cursed a string of profanities under his breath as he kept thrusting his hips into her, prolonging his orgasm. When they calmed down from their highs, they took deep breaths before pressing their lips together. Harry could hear a whimper from the beautiful woman above him. He was delirious with the bliss feeling.

They laid on their sides, admiring each other’s glowing yet sweaty state. Harry closed his eyes and sighed as Y/N brushed her fingers through his hair. “Y’alright?” he murmured to her. She nodded and gave him a shy smile. He thought it was cute of her acting all shy after having done such an intimate and dirty activity with him. He kissed the tip of her nose, smiling as she scrunched it up. “You’re beautiful,” he admitted.

Y/N let out a deep breath. There was no denying the attraction she felt for him. The setting was so intimate, far from what she thought it was going to be. She felt herself opening up to him, something she prevented herself from doing for a long time. She was scared of this, but she liked it at the same time.

“Hold me?” she asked and Harry pulled her against his body without a second to waste. Their breathing was the only sound they paid attention to. Y/N nuzzled her face against the crook of his neck, her finger tracing the tattoos on his chest.

“Are you gonna stay?” she asked softly. She was not expecting anything, but she hoped he did stay.

Harry smiled and pulled her closer. “Only if y’want me to,” he said. Y/N returned the smile, tracing out his lips with her finger, feeling how soft they were.

“I’d like that,”

❋

When Harry woke up, he felt an empty cold space beside him. Confused at first, he sat up slowly, wondering where the pretty woman he liked was. He turned his head and there she was, sitting by her window looking out into the early morning. She was sipping on something from her mug and she was wearing his dark blue T-shirt from the night before. She looked absolutely breathtaking.

“You’re up early,” he said, catching her by surprise at the sound of his voice. She smiled at him and made her way to sit on his lap, putting her mug on the bedside table. “You missed the sunrise.” She ran her fingers through his messy bed hair. He sighed, realising how much he liked her doing that simple yet intimate gesture. “Yeah? Was it pretty?”

“Very,” she sighed as Harry laid his head on his shoulder. He held her tightly in his arms, similar to how he did when they slept. “Well, you’re prettier,” he said, planting kisses up her neck. She realised how deep and raspy his voice sounded in the morning, it sent shivers down her spine. “Well, you’re a charmer,” she murmured.

Harry looked up at her, taking in her morning glow that she was emitting. “Your eyes are really pretty,” Y/N said softly as she admired his forest green eyes. “Yeah? Y’think so?” he said, playfully fluttering his eyes at her. She laughed at this, throwing her head back. Harry thought it was the sweetest sound. She traced the outline of his lips with her index finger, feeling how soft they were under her touch. Harry kept his mouth agape as she did so.

“Can I kiss you?” Y/N whispered. He smiled at her, remembering his exact words from the night before, before nodding. “Please,”

The fluttering in his stomach intensified as their lips met. The thing that clouded Harry’s mind was how soft her lips were and how sweet they tasted. Their kiss almost made him feel dizzy for how much passion there was. When they pulled away, he looked at Y/N with hooded eyes, his breathing was heavy from the blissful sensation he felt. He gently wrapped his arms around her frame and it just felt right.

He pulled her into another kiss, a moan elicited from Y/N that sent blood rushing to his lower region. His hands travelled up his shirt she was wearing and he let out a groan, realising she had nothing underneath it. He felt drunk by her touch, her scent; everything. It was a delicate feeling he felt and he didn’t want to let go of it. He could get used to this, the feeling of her. For once in a long while, he didn’t feel alone anymore.

It was no doubt that Y/N felt the same.

It all just felt right.

❋

The snow was covering the backyard, the trees and bushes were covered in white. Y/N watched as the snow fell while sipping on her hot chocolate. The house was decorated for the special wintery day. The tree was lit up and decorated with many ornaments as well as pictures on it, the presents laying closely below it.

Voices snapped her out of her thoughts, she smiled as she heard footsteps approaching the kitchen. She turned around to see her husband holding up a sleepy little girl in his large muscular arms, the little girl they were blessed with as their daughter. Harry was talking animatedly to Ruby, trying to wake her up in the Christmas spirit.

He gasped and pointed his finger at you. “Look, Rue! It’s mummy! An early bird, isn’t she?” He said to Ruby as he bounced her gently in his arms. You rolled your eyes at his silliness. “Mama,” the little girl reached out to her mother as she rubbed her sleepy eyes. Y/N set her mug on the counter and grabbed lifted little Ruby in her arms. “Morning, Rue baby,” Y/N cooed softly at her, closing her mouth with the back of her hand when she yawned.

“Think she’s a bit tired,” Harry chuckled at them. “Y’think? Who’s the idiot that woke her up early?” Y/N asked sarcastically at her husband. He only lifted his arms up in defense, a smug smile painted on his face. Ruby quietly giggled at her parents. He sipped on a mug of hot chocolate and she narrowed her eyes at her as he leaned back on the counter.

“Are you really drinking my hot chocolate?” Harry paused for a bit before swallowing the warm drink. “I’ll make ya another one, love,” he rubbed the back of his neck. Y/N rolled her eyes at him before chuckling. “You better, Styles.” She felt Ruby shifting in her arms and gently bounced her. “Y’alright, bubs?” She pouted at her daughter.

“Snow,” she said, pointing out the window where the snow was falling. “Yeah, bubs! It’s snowing!” Y/N exclaimed excitedly to her, making Ruby giggle. “Dada, snow!” she exclaimed to her father.

Harry laughed at his daughter’s adorableness. “That’s right, Rue!” He agreed, stroking through her curly hair that she inherited from him. He placed a hand gently on Y/N’s clothed stomach. “And how’s bub number 2 doing?” He asked softly. Y/N smiled, her heart beaming at the gentleness of her husband. “They’re doing great in there,” she said, placing her hand over his above her two-month growing belly.

Harry beamed at this, pressing a gentle kiss on her lips, eliciting a small whimper from her.

“I love you,” he whispered against her lips. Even after all these years, she found his green eyes just as beautiful and hypnotizing.

“I love you, too,” she said and smiled at him as they broke away.

Perhaps, Harry would consider himself lucky that his sad lonely self walked into the bar she previously worked at five years ago. Maybe if he hadn’t opened up to Y/N or went back to her apartment, he wouldn’t be able to have this little family he was blessed with. There was something so delicate and real he felt that night that he wanted to keep. So naturally, they both let their walls down and took a chance on each other. And perhaps because it was nearing Christmas that night, he would think of it as some Christmas miracle.

“Wanna open the presents, Rue?” Y/N asked Ruby as bounced her in her arms. Ruby giggled, not even understanding what her mother said, and nodded. “Yeah? Wanna open presents with mummy and daddy?” Y/N said excitedly as she carried her into the living room. Harry chuckled at the precious sight of them as he followed them.

As they sat down in the living room, he took a moment to just admire his wife and his daughter. Y/N, though wearing one of his Christmas sweaters and sleep shorts, looked just as beautiful and ethereal as she did the night they met. She held little Ruby in her arms, who was busy tearing up the small present in front of her. His wife cheered at their daughter as she took out a little stuffed teddy bear, giggling as she waved it around with her small hands.

Y/N looked up at him and gave him a loving smile as she intertwined her fingers with him. Despite them being in such cold weather, her hands felt warm against his. He admired how they fit perfectly in his. Ruby babbled incoherently to her parents about her gift, in which they nodded like they understood what she said. Harry’s heart warmed up just thinking of how they’ll have another addition to their loving little family soon.

His heart was full of love and happiness. He no longer felt alone. He had everything he wanted in that moment, his growing little family.

Everything was just right.

#harry styles #harry styles x reader #harry styles imagine #harry styles imagines #harry styles fluff #harry styles smut #harry styles fic #parkersroses writing #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles writing

566 notes · View notes