#i just wish I wasn’t too scared to have a social life anymore because I the suffocating loneliness ain’t helping shit!!

[mrburnsnuclearpussy]

Ngl I’m boarding on a crisis and I have to go to work where I may or may not continue to spiral but can’t do anything about it and it’s terrifying but it’s only me and manager so I feel too guilty to just take a break every time this happens plus it won’t help anyway I don’t need a break I need to be knocked unconscious where the horrors can’t get me 😢 I’m just venting to feel better coz that’s all I feel I can do rn but dw

[reidmotif]

Dialing up for Trouble

Summary: Reader and Spencer were fuck-buddies, until Spencer cuts her off quite suddenly. A party and some risque images may be enough to get them back to their old routine.

Couple: Spencer Reid/Fem!Reader

Category: Smut

Content Warning: semi-public sex, sexting, mentions of nude images and descriptions of generic lingerie, masturbation (f!receiving), penetrative sex, semi-dom!spencer

Word Count: 3.5 k

Masterlist

Clichés bothered me. There was no other way to put it. I’d grown up hating the likes of love triangles, meet-cutes, chosen ones, and right now, I was being reminded more than ever of that hatred because, what the fuck? 

“Too much of a good thing” was the reasoning Spencer had cited when he proposed we stop sleeping together casually, and return to our previous relationship of  “just coworkers”. I’d let him know how ridiculous I found his sentiment, and attempted every possible method to continue our secret rendezvous, but he was absolutely dead-set on his decision, it seemed.

 No more sex. No more late-night calls. None of it. It was all over. All because of a cliche. 

We seemed to agree on one thing, and that was, yes. The sex was fantastic. It really was that good. While I’d never wish weariness on Spencer Reid, I couldn’t deny that in the aftermath of stress and frustration from whatever life had chosen for him, the way he’d deal with that was absolutely electrifying for me.

I’d find myself constantly breathless, pulled into hotel rooms, storage closets- anything resembling the barest hint of privacy, and allow him to use me as he saw fit. I gave him complete trust and control over my body, and in turn, he rewarded me with some incredibly life-changing orgasms. And for what it’s worth, he seemed to get an equal amount of satisfaction out of our hidden trysts, which only made his recent decision that more devastating.  

It’d been roughly a month since we’d had sex, or anything resembling the sort, and I found myself absolutely deprived. When the FBI gave out invitations to its semi-annual gala, I imagined the festivities would be enough to distract me, but I was completely in error for assuming so. Amidst drinks and conversations, there was the occasional lull where I couldn’t help but absentmindedly imagine the feel of his hands over my skin, squeezing the fat of my hips. His lips trailing up and down my neck, focusing on spots only he knew about. The way his hair would tickle against my thighs when he’d bury his head-

“Hey.” 

The voice breaks me out of my thoughts, and I have to remind myself not to choke on my beverage. There he was. The current subject of my thoughts, standing in front of me, live and in the flesh. Spencer Reid. 

“Hey.” I mirror back, taking a sip of my drink, acting as lax as I could, given the circumstances. “Enjoying yourself?” I ask, gesturing to the party in front of us, the general ambience. 

“You know me.” He replies, pausing for a second, keeping his gaze trained on mine. “Not my scene but.. doable.” 

I chuckle for a moment, understanding perfectly. Spencer wasn’t exactly the most social guy out there. I was honestly surprised he’d chosen to come to this thing at all in the first place. 

“You look nice.” He says, suddenly. “Your dress. It’s nice.” He rushes out the words, as if he’s scared to say them in the first place. 

I smooth down the fabric instinctively, nodding. I try not to let the compliment affect me so much, keeping my head down for a split second to hide the creeping heat emanating from my cheeks. 

 “Thank you. I appreciate it.” 

I surprise myself with my own answer. The silence for that tick is horrible. I appreciate it? Jesus. I couldn’t think of the right words anymore. The correct and witty response that would allow this conversation to flow smoothly. 

 I truly wanted to fuck this man so bad, it made me look stupid. 

And stupid I was, because yet again, I attempted to test the current parameters of our relationship he’d put us on. I swallow my pride, lifting my head to meet his eyes with mine. 

“If you like it so much, you could- you know. Take it off.” I say, biting my lip. There’s a light tease in my voice, but it’s obvious I’m being as forthcoming as I possibly could. No games. No jokes. I didn’t want to dance around it, and I hoped my boldness would reward me as it did previously in the past. 

But no, it seems that fortune does not favor the bold, because Spencer’s immediate response was to shake his head, lowering his voice. He pulled on my arm to decrease our proximity, to the point where it was ensured no passer-bys could possibly hear our conversation. 

“Come on.” He pleads, almost looking desperate.  “I told you we should stop- hasn’t that worked out? We can be coworkers. This works.”

I roll my eyes, letting my displeasure show plainly over my face. “This works?” I say, and the sarcasm is clear in my voice. “Sex worked too, you know.” 

“I know it did!” He says, in a hushed whisper. “But- we can’t. No. It’s not right. Too much of a-” 

“If you finish that sentence, I swear to god.” I say, my expression turning much more volatile. I forcibly shrug his arm off me. “This is stupid.” I continue, trying not to let my voice rise. “I see the way you look at me. I know it was good for both of us. I know you’re thinking about it just as much as I am, so why not!” There’s a hint of hurt in my voice as well. Underneath all the sex, I’d grown to miss the interactions after. The giggles under covers and the feel of his hair in my fingers. I missed him. All of him. 

There’s a miserable pause on his end, and I hold my breath waiting for his next words. Spencer sputters, looking absolutely defeated. “Because- because we just can’t, okay?” He replies, helplessly, stepping back from me, as I’d done with him. “Look. I’m just going to enjoy the rest of the party, okay? Take care of yourself, yeah?” 

Before I can get in another word, demanding a real explanation from the man, he leaves me alone, replaying the words of his confusing outburst in my mind. 

I take a short time to myself, electing to go use the restroom and take a breather from the party, a bit on edge after our exchange. Was it possible he was completely fine with what the loss of our arrangement had done to us? Was I the only one absolutely losing my mind? Any attempt to diverge my attention from the topic proved futile, and  I remained in the closed room, mindlessly adjusting myself in the mirror with no real rhyme or reason. There’s an eventual use of my phone, focusing the camera directly on my face to make sure nothing had smudged or looked off on my face in the time I’d last checked my makeup. In the use of the device, I remembered the pictures I’d taken before coming here. 

The pictures weren’t meant to serve any true purpose. I’d bought new lingerie for this dress, as my previous bras weren’t suited to the cut and shape of the specific piece of clothing, and decided to take a few pictures for myself. It was lacy, and pretty, but nothing truly special. The bra had a slight push-up effect, and the panties were a bit cheekier than my normal, day-to-day undergarments.  The actual lingerie was innocent- harmless, even. Looking at the images right now, though, a salacious idea creeped into my head. 

Under the right circumstances, these could be exactly the catalyst to finally receiving what I wanted. 

I open the messaging app on my phone, finding Spencer’s contact, and beginning to type out a simple message. 

hey. 

The response is immediate. 

What’s up? 

You good? 

Where’d you go? 

I laugh a little. I imagined him scanning the crowd for me, trying to figure out where I’d gone off to. 

all good, don’t worry

so we’re still sticking to the no sex thing? 

I see his typing bubble pop up, then pause. Then starts up again. 

Yes. 

Trust me, it’s for the better. 

I groan internally. Of course he thinks that. Always thinks he knows what’s good for everyone. 

trust me 

if you knew what i had planned for us

you wouldn’t say that

I feel my phone vibrate in my hand, indicating he was now calling me? I hadn’t planned for this. 

“Spencer?” I remark, waiting for his voice on the line. 

“What do you mean?” He says, quickly. I can no longer hear the bustle of the party in the background, so it’s only reasonable to assume he’s moved somewhere quieter. Still, I ask. 

“Are you around other people?” I murmur, keeping my voice low. 

“No. Alone. What did you mean by your last message?” He repeats, quickly. 

There’s my in. I respond, feigning an unmistakable innocence in my voice. “Mind if I show you?” 

“Show me?” The confusion in his voice is palpable. 

“Show you.” I reply, more definitively.  “Check your messages.” 

I bring my phone away from my ear, electing to send the first picture I saw in my camera roll,  which prominently featured my breasts- a feature of mine I knew Spencer was quite interested in. I return to the call, my heart pounding wildly. 

“Did you see?” I ask, hesitantly, when all I can hear is his breathing on the other line. 

The response is a choked out, breathy mess of a sentence. “Yeah- I did. Jesus.” 

“Want more?” I murmur, biting my lip as the realization dawned on me that this possibly had a chance of working. 

There’s a delay in his words on the line, before I finally hear:

“Yes. God, yes.” 

I grin ear-to-ear, beginning to send an assortment of pictures I’d taken previously in the day. Knowing this was having an effect on him, that somewhere in this party Spencer was sitting alone, his gaze trained on his phone intently, did something to me. He was behaving this way because of my body, because of what I could do to him. 

It was hard not to get wet at the thought. 

“You look so good.” He breathes out, and the desire in his voice is unmistakable. 

“Yeah?” I mumble to the speaker. “You think so?” 

“Mhm.” He murmurs. “You’re wearing this right now?” He asks, seemingly needing that confirmation at this moment.  

“In all its glory.” I try not to giggle before murmuring teasingly, “What, you wanna see?” 

“Where are you?” He asks, suddenly seeming very determined. I can hear the shuffling on the other line, indicating he was now starting to move from where he was currently situated. He was completely, and utterly serious about this. 

“Bathroom, on the left corridor of the entrance.” I say, feeling exhilarated at the thought of him meeting me here. This was happening. 

Finally. 

“Stay.” He replies, and the call cuts. 

There’s an impatient itch that creeps up on me during the two-minute wait for him, before I hear a solid knock on the door, and my name being whispered through the door, belonging to a voice I’d grown so accustomed to and fond of. 

My fingers undo the lock, opening it just enough so that he could squeeze through without drawing too much attention to ourselves right now. 

And as soon as he’s managed in, he’s practically on me, devouring me with a kiss with a passion I’d never felt from him before. My hands go to wrap around his neck, pressing our bodies flush against each other, every ragged breath of his shooting directly to my core, which was now throbbing with need. 

“Fuck. Missed this so much.” He breathes out, gasping for air in between our kisses. I couldn’t so much as get a whimper out, before he’d dive right in again. It’s like he wanted to eat me alive. 

And I’d let him. 

I moan softly into his mouth, starved for more contact between us. It’s as if he can read my mind, because in an instant,  he guides us from the center of the bathroom, towards a wall, slotting his thigh between my legs. He takes a momentary break from ravishing me with his lips, now adopting a slower, more sensual pace as he works down my neck, each soft kiss leaving me craving him even more.  

His hands drift down to my hips, keeping me pinned against the wall as he murmured soft praises. My legs felt wobbly, absolutely taken aback by how quickly I could go weak for this man. 

“You like this, mm?” He mumbles, letting his teeth nip over the lobe of my ear, before switching to a more neglected side of my neck. “Like me that much, mm?” 

I don’t care about the cockiness in his tone. I don’t care how smug I render him. I just need him to continue this, for as long as I can have him. 

“Yes.” I breathe out, my voice higher-pitched than it normally would be. “God. Love this so much.” 

There’s a flash of hesitance from him, as he pulls his face away from my neck, staring at my eyes with his own. I can’t dwell on the pause, because for once, I’m finally seeing him. His hair was absolutely ruined, sticking up wildly in different directions. His cheeks were a light pink, serving to make his features even prettier and doe-like than before. But what got me were his eyes. His pupils were blown out, the normal honey-hazel I’d seen on a daily basis replaced with an absolute abyss of black. The darkness served to cause a surge within me, practically launching forward to meet his lips with mine. 

There are no words required for what happens next, as I feel his hand creep up my back, pulling me away from the wall and towards the closest surface, which happened to be the sink. He guides me to bend over, and I do so with no resistance.

 He could have me, whichever way he wanted, whenever he wanted. All I needed was his touch. 

I can feel him crouch to his knees, slowly reaching under my dress to hook his fingers around my panties, slowly pulling them down. I can feel a string of my arousal clinging to the fabric, and it seems Spencer can too, because he practically moans as he drags the soiled piece of lingerie down my thighs. I step out of them quickly, and turn my head back, fast enough to see him stuff the proof of our debauchery down his suit pocket. 

“Eyes ahead.” He whispers, leaning down close to my ear to nip at the sensitive flesh again. 

“Okay.” I murmur, slipping into a more submissive version of myself that he seemed to bring out in me. There’s a sense of relaxation and excitement all at the same time, and I���m absolutely wracked with lust for him. 

His fingers stroke my clit for a moment, applying pressure in just the right way. The movements are practiced, precise and guaranteed to hurl me off the edge if he continues this way. 

“You’re soaked, sweetheart.” He murmurs, almost amazed,  letting his fingers slip away. “All this for me?” 

I can barely respond, whimpering and nodding. “Yes. Please- Spencer.” I beg, needily. 

“I know, I know.” He replies, and I can hear how pleased he is. There’s a certain delight he derives from my submission, and while in any other circumstance, the smugness he displays would turn me off, right now it only served to further my hunger. 

I can feel him start to work on his belt, sliding the coarse material of his dress pants just enough, so that his cock could spring free. I can’t see it, but I can feel it, his tip sliding through my folds, and I clench at the thought of him finally being inside of me. 

Just when I believed his teasing to be done, there’s a knock at the door, and we both freeze. Spencer swallows, and quickly raises his voice. “Occupied!” 

There’s silence, and that previous sense of lust and content drifts back into our bodies, Spencer’s fingers trace up to my face, and he lets his finger slip into my mouth. I can taste my arousal on his fingers, and there’s a genuine struggle on my end to stay upright. How could I, when the man behind me rendered me so indisposed? 

He draws his fingers out of my mouth. “Good girl.” He whispers.

It seems the universe has other plans though, because yet again- a knock sounds at the door. I can hear Spencer’s groan, and watch through the mirror as he attempts to come up with a response that would give us the seclusion we required. 

My patience however, had worn thin. His cock was right there, and I’d be damned if I was forced to wait any longer. I turn my head towards the door, complacency and submission gone from my voice. 

“Do you mind? I’m trying to fuck him in here!” I say, snarking out the words. 

There’s a silence, and a murmur of mortification on the other side of the door. Footsteps. And then at last, silence. 

Spencer quickly leans down to kiss my cheek, mumbling out an “I love you.” 

Before I can even comprehend the words, he’s guiding himself into me, sliding his cock through my walls, and I have to bite my lip to keep a scream in. He feels so fucking good inside of me, stretching me out in ways no man ever could. I can feel the underside of his cock hitting that spongy spot deep inside of me, and my breathing turns rapid in mere seconds. 

“There we go, relax for me baby, yeah?” He mumbles. “Nice and slow.” 

I moan out my affirmative, gripping onto the sink as I let my jaw drop, eyes squeezing in absolute ecstasy. “So good for me.” He murmurs. “So warm and wet, Jesus.” 

And with that, he starts a pace that works for both of us. It’s hard and fast, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. The feel of his cock gliding through my puffy walls is intoxicating, and I can only wonder how I went so long without feeling it. 

It seems Spencer’s having similar  thoughts, because through my moans and his occasional groans, I can feel his grip on my hips get more bruising by the second, marking me as his own. I can hear occasional fragments of words through his noises. 

“Never letting you go. Oh fuck. Fuck.” He mumbles, and despite the overwhelming amount of arousal shooting through me, my heart swells. 

“Me too.” I whimper out, gripping the sink even harder. I can feel my wetness seeping all around us, splashing against my thighs with every movement he drives into me. “Need you so badly.” 

“Rub your clit for me.” He demands, whispering out the words. “Need to see you come on my cock first, pretty girl.” The words are strained, and I can tell he’s doing everything to keep from spilling inside of me prematurely. 

There’s no reason to temporize, and my fingers make their way down to the sensitive bundle of nerves, and the effect is almost immediate. It takes roughly a minute of my incessant rubbing and the feel of him inside me before I’m coming with a soft shout, growing limp against the sink as my muscles twitch and fill me with a deep sense of relief and satisfaction. 

Spencer isn’t far behind me, humping into me a few more times before coming inside of me, the release signified with a loud moan and a sense of warmth flooding my deepest point. He slumps against my back, pressing a few, soft kisses to my neck. 

As we both come down from our highs, I recall the words Spencer mumbled in my ear previously. I let out a self-satisfied giggle, which Spencer smiles at. 

“Mm. What’s that about?” He murmurs. 

“You love me?” I ask, softly. 

A pause. 

“A little.” He responds, voice equally as soft. 

“Is that why you stopped having sex with me?” I mumble out, gently. 

He presses another kiss to the nape of my neck. “Mhm. Please don’t be mad.” 

I let out a soft chuckle. “Not mad. The opposite, really.” 

He pulls me up, causing us both to look at each other. “You feel the same way?” 

I nod, biting my lip. “We could try this out, I think. I want to, Spencer.” 

I stop, and decide I do need to tease him a bit, especially after the sex-less agony he put me through for a month. 

“Though, I do recall someone telling me too much of a good thing can go bad..” 

His lips part in confusion, before he picks up the teasing nature of my words and leans in for a soft, simple kiss. He keeps his forehead on mind, his eyes staring into mine with a gentle reverence. 

“Let’s indulge just this once.” 

holy shit has it been a long time since i've written a fic!! i'm so sorry?! i've been dealing with life and other assorted things and writing sort of took a backseat in that period of time <3 i hope this was okay. as usual any feedback, likes, comments, reblogs are so so greatly appreciated. i love writing for spencer, and i hope you guys like that writing too <3 i'm sorry that the two previous fics i promised seem to be delayed, i swear i'm gonna write those next, but inspiration sort of just struck on my end f or this, and i hope it was good <3 but yeah!! thank you so much for reading and interacting with this in any way you choose!! i appreciate it greatly!!

[b3ach-bunn7]

IS IT CASUAL NOW? PT 2

The aftermath of you finally ending things with Touya.

—————————————————————————-

It’s hot. So hot that it’s all Touya can think about.

Touya sighs. He can lie so easily, but unfortunately never to himself. He’s not wearing a shirt, just the thinnest pair of shorts he owns. The rickety fan he’d stolen from his dad’s place is pissing him off more than it’s cooling him down. The Todoroki’s all ran hot, Touya the worst. It was a curse passed down from his father and Touya just loved how alike the two of them were. In the winter he wore a hoodie at best, and in the summer he melted. It’s why he found himself in your bedroom on the night/ he couldn’t sleep. You were so cool, your bedroom so still. It’s the only reason he did it. It was nothing to do with you.

Lying again. Touya wishes he could just erase you from his brain sometimes. Cut out the last two years of his life, forget all of it. Because that’s when it started. Not when he met you, but when he started feeling. It’s why he proposed the whole ‘friends with benefits’ thing. Too scared to own up to anything but separate enough he’d do anything to get the chance to touch you. He thinks forgetting might be easier than admitting he has feelings for you. But you’ve embedded yourself in everything. He thinks if he slips far enough in his duvet he’ll smell you, that sweet perfume that drives him crazy. There’s a sock too girly and pink to be his on the floor. Pictures of you he hasn’t hung up but burn holes in the bottom of his closet. And Shoto’s incessant nagging to see you again.

It’s been two weeks and three days since he’s last seen you. Touya doesn’t think he’s gotten a good nights sleep since. And if that wasn’t bad enough, the bags under his eyes and the ache of his bones, Shoto is determined to remind him every second of every day. Asking where she is, why isn’t she coming over anymore, how did he ruin it. It’s beyond him how a six year old can read the room so well but that’s besides the point.

You were good with Shoto, though. He remembers the first time you’d met him. He’d walked in on you throwing him in the air and the brat was laughing. He barely did that with him, let alone with a stranger he’d never met. And it stirred something in him. Like maybe one day he could have that with you. A little kid that looks like him, or has that same smile as you. So bright he can’t even look at you for too long.

Touya sits up abruptly. Maybe a cold shower will help. He saunters to the bathroom and raps on the door.

“Occupied!” Fuyumi’s voice rings out. He hears the rush of water and he curses under his breath.

“Hurry up.”

“Shut up, I haven’t even started yet.”

Fuyumi took ages in the shower. All girls did and he had no idea why. You took forever. He could hear you singing sometimes. You didn’t sound the best but you were enjoying yourself. At least when you were taking ages he could join you. That’s when Touya found you the most attractive. Water running down your back, hair slicked back. He loved it the most when you used his shampoo, when you smelt like him. He could close his eyes and pretend for a moment you were somewhere else, just the two of you. That you were together.

He can’t help it. Touya can try to distract himself but it all ends up with you.

Your face. Tears rolling down them, ones he put there. He wanted to comfort you. Tell you that he didn’t think you were just somebody he fucked. It killed a little part of him to say that to you because he could see how much it hurt you. Physically see something inside you change and the tears that had been welling in your eyes finally falling. The way you’d stormed out. The fact you’d removed him from everything, every social media, even Spotify. His message pinging back the one time he tried to text you. The fact you’d called him Todoroki.

The issue is, Touya is cursed. It’s right there in his last name. Todoroki. You knew, of course. You knew all about his father. He’d sat you down once in the back of his car. Each of you with your backs against the window, a pack of gummy bears split open in front of you. And he showed you. Showed you each scar that his father had left at his hands. And then after that, Touya had told you everything. About his mother. About how he treated her. How he hit her, yelled at her. Made her cry like he’d made you cry.

That’s the harsh reality Touya has to face.Because unfortunately for him, he’d spent most of his life with his father. Thirteen long years with him, more than enough time to pick up all those horrible traits the man harboured. Touya was always the most like him. Short temper, quick to argue. And he’d read about it, too. Poured over psychology books and articles when the worries got too bad. Your childhood is where your character was built apparently, where your habits were learnt. Where you’re moulded into the person you’ll grow up to be, all based on the way your parents raised you. And it didn’t take a genius to realise his hadn’t been that good.

And if all that he’d seen was true, then Touya couldn’t do that to you. Couldn’t be his father. You were so perfect. You were way too good for him, for all the shit he’d bring you. You didn’t deserve to put up with that. And he knew you wouldn’t listen if he told you that so he had to get rid of you the only way he knew how.

But god, did he indulge in it. In you. Touya didn’t think you’d notice, that it was that obvious. How he couldn’t help but kiss you so tenderly. How he’d hold you any chance he got, had acted bothered when you got along so well with his family. Touya wasn't strong enough not to enjoy you while he had you.

He decides to go downstairs. The house feels stagnant. The windows are open and the curtains his mother had fashioned out of old clothes fluttered in the little wind that blew in from outside. The house was so much smaller than their old one but Touya felt like he could breathe here. It was crazy how much different life was without his father. How free they felt, the weight on his family’s shoulders gone.

His mothers in the kitchen. She’s making bread, he thinks, judging by the flour dusted all over the kitchen. They’re allowed to leave messes like this now. Touya opens the fridge, eyes closing at the cold air that blasts in his face. He grabs a coke. The can cools his palms and he’s half tempted to use it as an ice pack.

“Touya, come help me for a second.” His mother says. He glances over at her. Her hands are white with flour and she points to the bag of it beside her.

“Pour some for me.” Touya sighs, slightly, but listens. He turns to leave once she’s done but she stops him.

“Stay for a bit. Keep your mother company.” She pouts. Touya sighs. This time loudly. He sits down regardless. He takes another drink and the coke tastes like you, the two of you arguing, and he leaves it to the side.

“How have you been, Touya?”

“Fine.”

“Don’t lie to me.” Her voice isn’t stern but it has that mother tone to it that Touya, even at eighteen, can’t compete with.

“What do you want me to say?” He snaps. She doesn’t answer. Just point/ again.

“More flour please.” Touya pours more. He puts the bag down with a little more force than necessary.

“I’m your mum, Touya. I know when you’re not okay. And I’ve also noticed much less of Y/N around the house.”

Touya shakes his head. “This- it’s nothing to do with her.”

“So there is something wrong?” His mother is smiling slightly, proud of herself.

“Wow. So intuitive, mum.”

She sighs. She dusts off her hands on her apron. As annoying as she’s being, Touya can’t help but love it. It was rare she spoke much when his father was around and he finally feels like he’s learning who she is now that he’s gone.

“You two break up?”

“We were never together.”

His mother perks an eyebrow. “Really? In my day, two people hooking up were considered together.”

“Ew- Mum!” He wrinkles his nose. “Don’t- that’s disgusting.”

“I’m not stupid, you know.”

“Well, it’s over. We- She ended things.”

She furrows her brows. “Well that’s not right.”

“What do you mean?”

His mum hums. “Well. She loves you. Why would she end things if she loves you?”

Touya’s eyes are fixed on the table. He shakes his head. “No. She doesn’t love me.”

“She does.”

“Well, she shouldn’t!” He stands up. Runs a hand through his hair and it feels like yours, and he pulls it back like he’s burnt.

His mother is calm. Just watching him. “And why not?”

“Because- because. You know why, mum.” His voice sounds so weak. So pathetic. If only his father could see him now.

“I don’t. Tell me.”

“I-I can’t do it to her, mum. It’s not fair on her.” Touya says.

“But why?”

“Because why if I’m like him?”

His voice cracks, splinters his words in half. His mum looks at him then, like she might cry. There’s something in her face he can’t decipher but it’s out there. He’s said it, the thing that keeps him up at night, that eats at him.

“Honey, you’re not like him.”

“But what if I am?” So pathetic. He feels the prickle of tears and he hates how easily he cries, always has, ever since he was a kid.

“We don’t know. I’ve never been in a relationship, not a real one. What if- what if I was with her and I hurt her. Like he hurt you. I can’t do that to her, mum.”

She storms forward then. Her hands, still floury, grasp his shoulders. Touya should protest but he doesn’t, not when her touch grounds him. It always has.

“You listen to me, you are not your father.”

“What if I am? I’m the most like him, we all know it.”

She shakes her head. “No, honey, you’re not. I spent 15 years with that man. And you are nothing like him. You’re kind and you care for me and your siblings. For the people you love. He never did. And your anger, it’s superficial. You’d never hurt anyone. I know you wouldn’t.”

Touya doesn’t say anything. Just listens.

“Don’t let him ruin your life. I should’ve left sooner, for you. For all of your siblings.”

“Don’t blame yourself, mum.”

“It doesn’t matter. He’s no longer here, honey. Don’t let him ruin your life even when he’s not in it.”

Touya breathes in shakily. Wipes at his face furiously. “Okay.”

She rubs his shoulder. Smiles, something bittersweet. “Good boy. Now go talk to Y/N.”

Touya nods. “Okay.”

“And put a shirt on before you go.” He watches his mum's eyes linger on the scars across his body. She turns away and so does he.

“I will.”

“Love you.”

“Love you, too.”

—————

You hate romcoms. Such stupid awful movies, you think.

Your friends had been over earlier in the day but you wanted to be alone. You’re trying to distract yourself by watching your favourite movies, eating shitty snacks. The issue is, all your favourite movies are about love. Perfect, sappy romances that end with kiss and sex in someone’s bedroom. You hate it. It’s doing nothing but reminding you of him.

Scum. Awful. Horrible. You hope that maybe if you call him enough names in your head you’ll get over him. Or maybe if you eat enough chocolate. At least Noah Centineo looks good in this movie. His peak, you like to think.

A knock at the door stirs you out of your thoughts. You were going to ignore it, but the knocking gets more frantic, and you swear, pushing through the pile of tissues you were sitting in.

“Alright, I’m coming.”

You don't bother cleaning yourself up. You couldn’t care less who’s on the other side of the door.

“You can chill out, okay, the door is not going any-“

Touya. Touya is standing at your door. While you look like absolute shit. But you don’t care. You shouldn’t care. Touya looks worse. His hair is all tussled and you know he’s been messing with it. He always does when he’s bothered by something. His eyes are a little red and you think he may have been crying.

“Fuck off.” You go to slam the door in his face but he puts an arm out.

“Please, wait. Can we talk?”

“Sorry, I’m not in the mood to fuck you. And that’s all I’m for, right?” You smile viciously, and push against the door. He won’t let it go though.

“Y/N, I was wrong. Just let me explain, and-“

“Explain what?” You fling the door open and he falls back slightly.

“Explain what, Touya? It’s been two weeks, and now you want to explain?”

He swallows. “I should’ve come sooner.”

“Yeah, you should’ve.”

“I was wrong. About everything.” He pleads, inching closer to the door.

You breathe heavily. You rub your eyes furiously and start walking away.

“Come on then.” You snap.

Touya obeys. He walks in quickly before you can change your mind. You sit down on the couch and he sits next to you. It’s silent for a moment. You don’t look at him. You can’t because you know if you do, you’ll forgive him in a second.

“You home alone?” He asks.

You pick at your cuticles. A bad habit you can’t crack. “Yes.”

You think Touya nods. You don’t want to look and check. You pull too hard and one of them starts bleeding.

“Don’t do that.” He says softly, pushing your hands apart. His skin is warm and you pull your hands into your lap. You shake your head.

“What do you want?”

“I love you.”

Touya speaks the words quickly. Like you did before, like he’s going to explode if he doesn’t get them out. You do look at him then, and he’s already looking at you. Eyes wide, so blue and searching you think he might be looking into your soul.

“You- You what?” Your voice almost comes out in a whisper.

“I love you. I always did. You were right, you’re not just somebody I fuck. I-i didn’t mean that. I’m sorry.” His voice cracks.

“Then- Why did you say all that stuff then? Why didn’t you tell me this before?”

The two of you turn, move closer to cover. You don’t even notice, not until his knees are touching yours and that cologne he always uses, woodsy and cool, tingles your senses.

“I was scared. I am scared. I’ve never done this before, Y/N.” He looks down for a second. Looks back up at you.

“I was scared that. That I'd be like my father. End up as cruel as he was. I couldn’t put you through that.”

And it makes sense then. Slowly you piece it all together. Why he sent you such mixed signals. Why he was so distant with you and yet so close, always one step from taking things too far.

“Oh, Touya.” You grab his hand, and it’s warm. It always is.

“I know it’s stupid. But I watched him torment my mother for 13 years. And. What if I was like him? I couldn’t deal with it. It drove me crazy. Every time I got close to you, I’d freak out and I’d pull back.”

You squeeze his hand and he grabs it with both of his, squeezing back.

“I never meant to hurt you. I didn’t mean what I said, none of it. I swear.”

You breathe shakily. “You didn’t?”

“Of course I didn’t. I love you. That I mean.”

You stare at him. Part of you whispers that you shouldn’t trust him. A small part of you that’s still angry he let you wallow for two long weeks with no effort, no contact. But the rest of you. The rest of you is looking at Touya. Who has tears threatening to fall if he blinks just once more, who’s hands are shaking in your own. Touya, who told you everything, had cut himself open and shown you every part of himself he’d hidden from the world. And despite how angry you are, were, you can’t deny that.

“I don’t expect you to forgive me straight away. I understand, I said some really shitty things to you. But fuck, please. Give me a chance to fix this.” He whispers.

Before you can even think you press your lips to his. His hand, soft and calculated, reaches up to cup your cheek and it spurs you into action. You practically fall on him, one hand grabbing his shirt and the other carding through his hair. Oh, and it’s as soft as you remember, white curls tangling in your fingers as you sigh into his mouth. You're straddling his lap now and his back presses against your couch. Touya makes a noise, then, something desperate. He breaks apart and the two of you are breathless. He stares at you for a second before his lips are kissing your jaw, down your neck. He sucks a mark on the spot between your neck and your shoulder and you shiver.

“I’m so sorry, baby. I missed you so much.” He whispers into your skin.

You laugh slightly, and pull him away. “Easy, Touya. I don’t forgive you that much.”

He looks hopeful, despite the blatant rejection of his advances. “So you forgive me?”

You hum, fingers tracing over his skin. “Yeah. I do. Just because I miss Shoto, though.”

He snorts. Places a kiss on your forehead, your cheek. “Good. The little brat won’t shut up asking about you.”

“Really?”

“Don’t look so excited. I saw you first.”

You giggle, falling besides him. You lean into his arm, one leg tangling with his. It’s so simple, so easy to fall into the same routine. You think you should maybe be madder, but you can’t. Not at Touya. You think of the faces of your friends from earlier today and you wince.

“Look, I forgave you pretty easy, but you’re gonna have to put some in work with my friends. You can’t just kiss their anger away.” You raise an eyebrow and he tilts his head.

“You sure?”

“Don’t push it.”

—————————————————————————

guys I physically can’t have angst without a happy ending sorry not sorry 🙈 also plz leave me requests I’m aching to write but I have no idea what!!

[psychedelic-ink]

We Fall Like Snow ║ Part V

series summary: After the events that took place at the Cliff Beasts set, needless to say as his bodyguard (and friend) you became overprotective of Dieter. You have all your worries under control until you accidentally flip over a young fan by grabbing her wrist, causing the media to stir with speculations as to why. Luckily Dieter's family arrives in the nick of time, scooping you both from New York to their cozy cabin; however winter wonderland can't last forever and you need to face the consequences of your actions sooner or later.

pairing: Dieter Bravo x bodyguard!ofc; Amina Addams, written in reader format

chapter summary: Dieter and Everett are in disagreement about what Dieter should do when it comes to his relationship with you. Tension between you and Dieter raises during the masked ball.

word count: 4.7k

chapter warnings: piv, possesive!dieter, rough/angry sex, bathroom sex, dirty talking, a hint of degradation, misunderstandings, mutual pining, mirror sex, hair pulling, biting, angst towards the end

a/n: WELCOME TO THE BRIDGERTON EPISODE! 🤣 this chapter was inspired by @fuckyeahdindjarin 's amazing fic Anachronisms which is Bridgerton themed and I highly encourage everyone to go and read it ❤️ at his point this is just me putting every cliche I like into one series, enjoy!

**dividers by the amazing @saradika

Dieter isn’t a fan of the situation he’s found himself in. 

First of all, there’s the matter of you. You confuse him endlessly, your words the complete opposite of what your body is telling him. You behave one way, but speak another. Last night after the phone call, you had no issue with kissing him—Sure, it could be argued that you’d done it due to the mistletoe rules, but Dieter knows you, and if you didn’t want to kiss him you wouldn’t have. But at the same time, you keep acting as if all of this is going to end sometime soon, and that scares the ever-living shit out of him. 

He doesn’t want it to end. He’s extremely happy being a part of your personal life; he’s a huge fan of the way you look at him with those big doe eyes, always looking so confused, yet enamored with him at the same time. 

Dieter’s not sure how all of this is supposed to work when you go back. It’s easy for him; he’s been living this chaotic lifestyle for a while now, but he knows it’s an issue for you. He’s happy you’ve been distancing yourself from social media because he checked and it’s safe to say you would freak if you saw what people are saying. Most of his fanbase loved you, but an equal number of people didn’t. He knows he really shouldn’t be looking at what people are saying either, but he can’t help himself. 

And now, among all this emotional wreckage, he has to wrestle Everett. 

He’s been saying no to a match for years, he would’ve said no again if it wasn’t for you and your determination. He still feels the ghost of your body pressed against his when he managed to knock you to the ground; all the blood had rushed to his cock, and you luckily didn’t seem to notice. 

“You’re distracted,” Everett says, putting another mat down on the ground. Dieter isn’t sure why they had to do it outside, his mom said it would be easier for all of them. “Don’t worry, I’ll go easy on you,” 

Dieter snorts, “As if I need luck,” 

Briefly, he sees your silhouette alongside his dad’s through the window. Warmth blossoms in his chest, a soft smile tugging at his heartstrings as his gaze grows soft. 

“You seem confident, it’s a good look on you,” he grins. “I guess you’re planning on defeating me with the power of love,” 

Dieter’s head snaps back to meet his cousin’s gaze, Everett wiggles his eyebrows and in return, Dieter rolls his eyes. “I have no idea what you’re talking about,” 

“Please, I see the way you look at her,” Everett gestures to the window ben when Dieter turns back to look you’re not there anymore. “She’s totally into you too, don’t worry,” 

“You think so?” 

“I wish I had taken a video of the two of you singing, literal sparks were flying in the air. It was magical,” 

“Oh, shut up,” he grunts, laying down another mat. “I’m never singing again.” 

“So you’re telling me the two of you aren’t dating?” 

“Nope.” Dieter hates the way bitterness is heavy in his voice but he can’t just help it. “She’s acting as if everything is going to go back to normal and I don’t think I can do that,” 

“Have you tried talking to her about it?” 

“She’s not into me that way. It’s just…physical.” 

“That’s not what I asked.” 

Dieter sighs and shakes his head, “No, I have not tried talking to her about it.” 

“Why not?” 

“Just drop it, Everett. I don’t want to talk about it. She’s just not into me.” Without thinking he adds. “Not everyone is like you,” 

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” 

“Just forget it.” 

“Forget it?” he shakes his head and crowds Dieter’s space. He’s taller, always has been. “You can’t just say shit and then throw a pity party for yourself. If you have a problem, speak up,” 

“Fine,” Dieter hisses out. “Not all of us are perfect like you, okay? Not everyone falls for us in a minute as soon as we open out mouths—” 

“God, this again,” Everett steps back, which makes Dieter realize he’d been holding his breath. “Dieter, you’re one of the most famous actors in Hollywood. People love you.” 

“The issue isn’t that people don’t love me. The issue is that no one actually cares,” 

“We do—I do. Maybe if you’d called more, or at least return my calls, we could’ve talked it out,” 

“I have enough people feeling sorry for me. I don’t need you to do the same,” 

“Is this why you didn’t come here last year?” 

“I was working! Why is that so hard to understand!” 

“Is everything alright?”

Both their heads snap towards the voice. It’s you, his mom and dad trailing behind you. You don’t even know what’s happening but you’re eyeing Everett suspiciously as if you’ve already decided that he’s in the wrong. The urge to wrap his arm around you overwhelms him and blood pools underneath his fingernails. He exhales from his mouth and steam curls from between his lips as if he’s inhaled smoke. 

“Everything’s fine,” Dieter says, looking away. “We can start the match now.” 

Everett and Dieter grapple, their muscles straining as they fight for dominance on the wrestling mat. Beads of sweat drip down their brows, blending with the snowflakes that dance around them.

Dieter's mom and dad sit on the sidelines, their cheers ringing out into the frosty air. Not wanting to pick favorites, they cheer for both of them—Dieter isn’t sure what he feels about that. But at least you have a clear favorite, which makes his heart soar. 

You stand at the edge of the mat, your voice joining the chorus of support. "Don't give up, Dieter! You can do it!"

Despite his best efforts, Dieter can't seem to best his cousin. Everett towers over him, his build more muscular and imposing. Dieter struggles to keep up, the snow and sweat-slick beneath his feet. Everett puts Dieter in a headlock, his arms tight around Dieter's neck. Dieter struggles against him, trying to break free.

"You always let opportunities pass you by, Dieter," Everett says, his lips close to Dieter's ear. "You always let the good ones slip through your fingers."

Dieter's body reacts instantly to the anger that flares up inside him. His muscles tense, his heart pounding in his chest. He can feel the heat rising to his face. 

“Shut up,” he grunts, drops of sweat falling to the mat. “Shutupshutupshutup—”

Everett’s arms tighten around Dieter’s throat, blocking his air, “You can’t keep running away from yourself. You’re not a kid anymore,” 

His words strike a nerve but Dieter feels completely helpless. His chest feels tight, and he can barely breathe as he grips Everett's forearms, trying to break free.

But then Dieter catches a glimpse of you—You’re worried, mouthing ‘you can do it’ even though he’s on the brink of passing out. 

Something in your eyes gives him strength, and he finds renewed energy in his limbs. He pushes against Everett with a grunt, flips them both over, laying his weight heavy on top of Everett as he pins his cousin to the mat. 

Everett struggles beneath him, but Dieter's training kicks in. He remembers what you taught him and mimics it to his best capability. 

He locks Everett's arm in place and applies pressure, using all his strength to hold him down. Everett grunts in pain, his face contorting with the effort to break free. It's no use. Dieter has him pinned, and he knows it. Dieter grins when he speaks. 

“Come on, give up,”

“Fine, fine,” he coughs out and slams his hand against the mat. “You win.” 

As soon as Everett utters his defeat, Dieter collapses onto the snow-covered ground, his chest heaving with the exertion of the match. He doesn't even feel the chill seeping into his back as he lies there, staring up at the crystal blue sky above.

But then, your face comes into view, and the world becomes more beautiful. Your eyes are bright with concern as you kneel beside him, your hand gentle on his shoulder.

"Are you okay?" you ask.

Dieter nods, still trying to catch his breath. "I'm fine," he manages to gasp. "Just a little winded."

You smile, and the sight fills Dieter with warmth. He reaches up and takes your hand, holding onto it tightly. He feels his entire family staring at the both and he sees the urge you have to turn to face them. But Dieter squeezes your hand, keeping your gaze focused on him. 

“So,” he says. “Do you see me going through a career change? Do I have what it takes to become a bodyguard?” 

A chuckle escapes your lips and you grin from ear to ear, “We would need to work on your stance, but I don’t see why not.” you extend your hand and help him up. “Jokes aside, I’m proud of you. You were great,” 

“I’ll just lay here then,” Everett groans, raising his hand to the sky. “All alone left to die.” 

Dieter swallows down his laughter, “Always the dramatic one,” he says, knowing that he’s usually the dramatic one. “Here, take my hand,” 

With a smile Everett takes Dieter's hand and stands up, dusting the snow off his clothes. "Such a good sport," he coos. 

"Well, I can't have my favorite cousin laid out in the snow, now can I?"

Adaline and Claus come over and pat Everett on the back. "Don't feel too bad, Everett," Adaline says with a sympathetic smile. "You did your best out there."

"Yeah, and Dieter's just a little bit better," Claus adds with a wink. “I’m impressed!”

“The fact that you’re so shocked worries me a little,” Dieter mutters. “Have a little faith,” 

“Well, if it’s any consolation, I was sure from the start,” you cut in, stepping between them. “I’m always on your side.” 

"Come on, let's go get some hot cocoa," Adaline says, linking her arm through Everett's. "Besides, we need to get ready for tonight,"

Dieter sees your confusion when you briefly turn to glance at him. He shrugs and watches as you follow the rest of his family inside. 

The infamous masked ball. 

His mother dragged him to it every year, promising it would be fun— It never was. He already attends similar events left and right, and the last thing that he wants to do on vacation is be forced to smile all night. 

But…this time might be different. 

He has you now. 

You’re sitting on the bed in Dieter’s parent's bedroom. You watch as she rummages through her closet, finally pulling out a garment bag. She unzips it with a flourish, revealing a stunning ball gown.

“Really?” you ask, confusion crossing your face. “You bought this for me?” 

“Well, we knew you wouldn’t come here prepared to attend a ball,” she answers with a smile. “I asked Dieter for your measurements and when we went into town yesterday, I went and bought this. Think of it as an early Christmas present,” 

The dress is made of soft, lustrous satin in a rich shade of navy blue. The bodice is fitted, with a sweetheart neckline and delicate cap sleeves. The skirt is full and flowing, with layers of tulle and organza that create a sense of volume and movement. The back of the dress is low, with a row of tiny, sparkling buttons running down the center. Your fingertips dance along the fabric, it’s cold to the touch but also incredibly soft. 

“It’s beautiful. Thank you,” you lift your gaze and you see her staring down at you with a softened gaze, she looks so much like Dieter at that moment. “I wish Dieter told me. I didn’t get you guys anything,” 

The bed dips as she sits next to you, she places her hand over yours and squeezes. 

“You’ve done enough, honey. For the first time, I’m seeing Dieter genuinely happy,” she sighs and shakes her head, her voice cracks when she continues. “Ever since he was a boy, Dieter has carried a bit of sadness in him. I’m not sure what caused it—Maybe we did something wrong, I don’t know. But I’m happy to see that he finally found someone who sees the brilliance in him as we do. He’s a kind boy, probably a bit too kind for the world he lives in currently—It’s good to see that he’s not completely alone,” 

“Adaline…” 

She raises her hand, her smile everlasting. “You don’t need to say anything, dear. Or explain yourself. I just wanted you to know that we trust you.” 

You’re overwhelmed. Your cheeks are warm and you can feel sweat building right above your tailbone. A weight has been placed upon your shoulders and you have no idea how to move —or be you —with this newly added weight. You part your lips to say something, anything to remove the sudden burden but before you can, Adaline rises to her feet and heads for the closet. 

“One more thing,” she coos. “And this might be a bit extra, but it’s a masked ball so…” She places a box on your lap, right above the dress, and you stare at her with confusion. “Open it. There are two masks in there, one for Dieter and one for you. We bought them in Venice during our honeymoon,” 

“I…I can’t accept this,” 

She snorts, and you blink with surprise. “I’m not gifting it to you,” she says, crossing her arms. “You don’t need to get all flustered. It’s a loan, don’t let anything happen to it,” 

The humor in her tone forces your stiff body to relax slightly, your head falls forward as you look back down at the box with a smile. 

As you lift the lid of the box, you are immediately struck by the beauty of the masks inside. The first mask is black, with a sleek, refined design. The base of the mask is made of shimmering black satin, and there are long, black feathers sticking out from the top. The crown of the mask is adorned with a golden lyre, a musical instrument with a beautiful, ethereal sound. On either side of the lyre, there are two koala bears, holding the neck of the lyre like they would a piece of bamboo. The overall effect is elegant and sophisticated. And adorable.

The second mask is white and gold, with a more simple, yet still elegant design. The base of the mask is made of shimmering white satin, and there are delicate gold filigree patterns etched into the surface. The mask is adorned with sparkling crystal-like stones, which seem to be forming a halo around the edges. The overall effect is like a crystal forest, with trees and branches of light and sparkle. This mask is more romantic than the other. 

“Beautiful aren’t they?” Adaline grins. “Don’t get attached,” 

You laugh at her words; a wild, curt sound that manages to surprise you. “Don’t worry, I won’t. I’ll be sure to give this to Dieter, thank you.” 

You stand outside in the snow, huddled together with Dieter's parents and cousin. You are all dressed in your finest attire, with Dieter's mom wearing a lavish ball gown in a rich shade of red, and his dad looking dapper in a tailored black suit. You’re wearing the dress Adeline had gifted you, and while you’re not used to wearing such fancy clothing, you’re certainly not opposed to it. You feel good, which convinces you that you look good. 

The snow is falling gently around you, dusting the ground with a blanket of white. It is beautiful, yet also a bit eerie, with the flakes swirling in the air and the trees creaking in the wind. You shiver a little, despite your warm coat, and you wish that Dieter would hurry up. You smile as you click your tongue; always late, this one. 

Finally, after what seems like an eternity, Dieter emerges from the house, looking resplendent in a long dress jacket that goes all the way to his knees. He’s wearing nice shoes and a white button-up shirt with a bowtie, but despite his polished appearance, his hair is still a mess— which you adore, especially when you remember how those soft locks felt between your fingers, while he was between your legs.

As he approaches, you can't help but feel your heart drop. Your lips part, a soft gasp making its way out in the form of warm steam. Dieter catches your gaze and gives you a small smile that makes you want to topple over and bury your head in the snow. You’re being burned from the inside out, the heat making you completely forget where you are. 

“Finally, we can go now,” Everett says, turning smoothly on one heel. 

You and Dieter both stand still under the snow, your gazes at each other calculating, assessing what to do next. His eyes move across your body, taking in every detail of your form. A violent shudder overcomes you. Then, without prompting, he offers you his arm.

“You look beautiful,” he says in one exhaled breath. 

“So do you.” 

The pair of you are suspended in time, your chests heaving breaths in unison. You see white snow decorating his hair and you lean forward to brush the cold away, before you can he touches your fingers and brings your hand to his mouth, lips brushing your skin. 

The moment is broken by the loud honk of the car. 

You and Dieter enter the luxurious cabin-like venue, and you are struck by its cozy, yet opulent atmosphere. The ballroom is spacious and bright, with walls made entirely of windows that offer breathtaking views of the snowy landscape outside. The decor is a blend of rustic charm and delicate lace, with plush white furnishings, floral patterns, and warm candlelight flickering about.

You look around and see that everyone is dressed in their finest attire. The men are handsome in tailored suits in shades of black and navy, while the women are gracefully adorned in elegant ball gowns of pastel pinks and blues, deep purples and reds, and other rich hues. Everyone with a matching elegant mask. Many of the gowns are adorned with intricate details, adding to the vintage, romantic atmosphere of the ball.

The music is provided by a live orchestra, which plays a harmonious blend of classical pieces and modern hits. As you and Dieter make your way to the bar, Adaline and Claus go to greet friends and Everett seems to be flirting with a charmingly dressed man with brown eyes and hair. 

Dieter offers you a glass of wine and you take it with gratitude, the two of you observing the crowd. 

“This is a bit more glamorous than I expected,” 

“It would be awkward wearing such fancy things if it wasn’t,” Dieter answers, leaning against the wall behind you. “This is why I don’t really like coming to these. They host it every year,” 

“Your mom forces you to come, huh?” 

“Exactly,” he says with a low chuckle, his eyes dropping down to his glass. “This year is a bit better though. I have you,” 

“Oh?” you coo, a smirk stretching across your face. “Are you saying you enjoy my company, Mr. Bravo?” 

“Always have,” 

As you stand with Dieter, watching the crowd dance and twirl before you, you feel a strange sensation wash over you. Your pinky extends towards him, almost of its own accord, and you feel his own pinky inch closer in response. The warmth of his skin seems to radiate through you, and you can't help but feel a sense of intimacy in this small, unspoken gesture.

You stand there, pinkies curled around each other, not acknowledging the moment but feeling a warmth at the tips of your fingers that spread throughout your bodies. The crowd swirls around you, a blur of color and movement, but all you can focus on is the quiet connection between you and Dieter. The music and laughter fade into the background as you stand there, little fingers entwined, feeling a deep and inexplicable bond with the man by your side. It's a moment that seems to stretch on forever, suspended in time, and you can't help but feel that everything else in the world has melted away, leaving only the two of you in this little bubble of intimacy.

Suddenly, Dieter asks you to dance with him, his voice breathy and heavy, his pupils dilated. You hesitate, feeling a sudden surge of panic. You're not a good dancer, you want to say, but the words get caught in your throat. But when you see his eyes locked to your from under the mask, you simply can't deny him.

"Come on," Dieter says, taking your hand and leading you toward the dance floor. "It'll be fun. I'll lead, you just follow my steps."

You follow him out onto the dance floor, your heart pounding in your chest. You feel awkward and out of place, but Dieter's hand on your waist is warm and reassuring. 

The music swells around you, a lively waltz that fills the ballroom with its energetic beat. You place your hand on Dieter's shoulder, feeling the warmth of his skin through the fabric of his jacket, and he takes your other hand in his own, his grip strong and sure.

“So, I wanted to talk to you about something,” he says, voice barely audible due to the music. “Honestly, it’s kind of stupid but Everett got into my head with it and now I feel like if I don’t say something I’ll miss out on something great,” 

You begin to dance, following Dieter's lead as he guides you around the floor. The other couples swirl around you, a blur of color and movement, but you are focused solely on Dieter, on the way he moves with such grace and confidence.

“You can tell me,” you prompt, despite the fact you feel like you probably shouldn’t. Your mouth goes dry when he twirls you. 

“It’s…about us.” He’s breathless as he speaks. “I want— I think— Fuck, this is hard..I think we should maybe…try this out,” 

“What out?” 

“You, me…the devil’s tango?” 

“Are you trying to say that we should try being in a relationship?” you ask, bewildered. “No, we can’t. I—I don’t think that’s a good idea,” 

“Why not?” 

As the music crescendos, Dieter twirls you out and then pulls you back in, your skirts on the floor and your dress swirling around you. 

“Because,” you gasp, trying to catch your breath. “Because we work together. Everything is already so complicated, Dieter. This stops when we return home,” 

“Fine.” 

Dieter dips you low, your dress fanning out around you as you hold the pose. You look up at him but he’s not looking at you. To be honest, you’re surprised he doesn’t drop you. You know that his anger will pass eventually; it has to. You convince yourself that he’s just caught up in the moment—and the sex. And the kissing. You have no idea what Everett told him, but clearly this isn’t Dieter talking. 

The music fades away, and he brings you back up, pulling you close as the song ends. You stand there, panting, not knowing what to do. He’s still scowling. Then, out of no where, he takes your hand and drags you out of the ballroom.

You find yourself in the overly lit bathroom, and he locks the door. Your hands are braced against the marble of the sink, the mirror wide and crystal clear in front of you. Before you can say anything, you feel the flush of his body. Dieter traces your neck with his lips, tongue tasting the salt of your skin as his hands roam your body. 

“You just want to fuck, don’t you,” he murmurs, his voice eerily emotionless. “I can give you something to fuck. You want me to?” 

You see his reflection in the mirror, his lips hovering an inch away from your neck, eyes staring directly into yours. You swallow. You’ve never seen him like this before, the calm before the storm. Your legs are trembling. You’re highly aware of the fact that you need to say no. 

But your words betray you. 

Dieter consumes you as soon as you give him the okay. He doesn't bother removing the masks, using them as a way to shield what he's feeling. His hands push up your skirt, your ass in full display. He leans down and sinks his teeth into the meat, a growl rattling his throat as you hiss at the sting of his teeth. His tongue doesn’t soothe the pain; instead, he moves his mouth to the other cheek, giving it a similarly harsh bite. 

“Gonna fuck you nice and hard,” he grunts, tugging down your panties. “You’re never going to be satisfied after me. Fucking never.” 

His fingers move between your folds, a whimper falls from your lips. 

“Already wet,” he groans, teeth sinking into the skin between your neck and shoulder. “So, this is really what you want. Not much time to get laid when you’re working all the time, huh?” 

Oh god, you’re spiraling. Falling into the depths of his fear and loneliness. His words are coming from a place of pain and weirdly so, his mother’s words echo in your head. But for the life of you, you can’t tell him to stop and talk it out. He feels too good, too much, all at once, but still not enough. You’re his. That’s always been the case in a way, but he doesn’t know that. You can tell what he’s thinking, what he’s trying to convince himself of. It’s your fault. You never should’ve let everything come to this. 

The rough drag of his fingers is replaced with his cock. Your back arches, your head falling to his shoulder as he grinds himself against you, the head of his cock brushing against your clit, sending jolts of pleasure washing over you.

"D-Dieter- oh god," you gasp, your mouth filling with saliva. You swallow again and again, trying to form words that die on the tip of your tongue.

There's a sharp tug at your hair, forcing your face towards the mirror. You see Dieter's reflection, hauntingly beautiful, and it’s all you can think about. Your pussy throbs at the promise he makes, and as he keeps your head in place with one hand, the other sneaks up your torso and pulls down the front of your dress. Your breasts spill out from the edges, and he eagerly squeezes the flesh, his fingers pinching your nipples.

He pushes himself deep inside of you, the sound echoing within the bathroom. You moan at the sensation, feeling yourself getting closer and closer to the edge. Dieter's hands are rough and possessive as he touches you, and you can’t help but respond to it. You're lost in pleasure, completely at his mercy. Your body sings for him, his name falling from your lips repeatedly. Tension coils inside you, your orgasm builds as he thrusts into you, harder and faster. 

He breathes heavily into your skin, kissing the back of your neck. 

And then, with a cry, you come, your body shaking as Dieter holds you close. It’s quick and sudden. Neither of your expecting for you to come so quick. You're panting and sweating. When you look at him through the reflection, he doesn’t look happy; it almost looks like you’ve proven something he’s always thought to be true. 

He pulls out — briefly, you see hunger crossing his face — and he moans, the slick sounds of him fucking his fist reaching your warm ears. You watch, entranced, as his eyes flutter close, his jaw tense. He bites into his bottom lips when he comes, the feeling of something warm and sticky splashing across the small of your back. 

Dieter opens his eyes and you meet his gaze through the mirror. 

“Dieter—” 

“Sorry,” he groans, quickly waving his hand underneath the paper towel dispenser. It feels like sandpaper against your skin. “I’ll go. You don’t need to say anything.” 

He throws the balled-up paper towel as he makes his way out. You feel empty — satisfied, but lost. You think whether or not you’ve done the right thing, it feels like you’re on the wrong path. 

And all you can think of Adaline’s words: 

I’m happy to see that he finally found someone who sees the brilliance in him as we do.

He’s a kind boy, probably a bit too kind for the world he lives in currently.

It’s good to see that he’s not completely alone.

I just wanted you to know that we trust you.

[incorrect-pipravi]

Can you please please please do more headcanons? I’m obsessed

Hi! Sorry if you don’t like angst because this is going to be a dump of my angsty PipRavi headcanons!!!

Hope you enjoy it and sorry again for the pain I’m about to cause.

Angsty PipRavi headcanons

TW: depression, implied suicidal thoughts, use of drugs

Ravi cried himself to sleep each night after Pip and him broke up while Pip overworked herself so that she fell asleep the moment she hit the pillow from exhaustion.

On most days, Pip’s strategy doesn’t work and she stays up all night reliving everything that happened.

When Pip hugged Ravi after Stanley’s death, it was the first time Ravi’s presence failed to comfort her -definitely not the last too- and it scared Pip so much.

Ravi almost caved into the urge to fuck up their plan and call Pip many times, but he managed to control himself.

Though Pip had promised Ravi that she would stop taking any drugs/sleeping pills, she still takes some on her hardest times.

Pip often imagines the worst case scenario happening and thinks that if it happens then there’s no point in living anymore. Her life would technically end so why not actually end it.

The first few weeks of their breakup, Ravi could barely leave his room, eat or do anything. He lost so much weight and he looked physically older from how burdened and exhausted he had been.

Cara definitely had to hold and comfort a weeping Ravi countless of times. (And so did Connor and the rest of the squad, but it was mostly Cara.)

Pip and Ravi definitely looked at old pictures and videos of each other when they needed comfort the most.

Ravi never left Pip because she would talk to him every single day in her head. And yeah it wasn’t healthy or normal, but Pip knows she hasn’t been normal for a long long time.

Pip has many different nightmares, but the worst ones are the ones where DT kills her.

Sometimes she wished he had.

Ravi would definitely avoid Pip’s family (to make the plan more sensible) and each time he notices Josh looking at him when they encounter each other in town he turns around and it breaks him every single time.

Pip and Ravi had accidentally called someone else (could be a classmate or a coworker or anyone really) by each other’s name at least once.

Ravi’s parents, at first, always asked about Pip and Ravi would answer vaguely or shrug it off until one time he snapped at them and they stopped asking. (He apologized later of course, but Nisha and Mohan wanted to respect their son’s privacy.)

I have mentioned this before in a different post, but Pip would definitely buy the same perfume Ravi uses and wear it or use it to feel like he’s there with her.

Even after they get back together, Pip still struggles with morality and understanding the gray area which makes her feel unworthy of love and happiness, leading to many self-sabotage caused fights.

That night will always haunts Ravi, especially the fact that he had come so close to losing Pip forever.

Pip would silently watch Ravi’s and her friends’ social media updates and mourn all the time she lost and all the happiness she missed.

Even when she gets a therapist, Pip still at times feels like she’ll never be put back together.

“I will always be a shell of who I used to be, Ravi. Never the Pip you love. Just an illusion of who she is.”

“Then let me love this new Pip. The one you call a shell. Let me love her. You should’ve realized it by now, but I won’t let you go ever again.”

[runningfrom2am]

coryo: money is not an object, i just want you to have the wedding of your dreams.

r, realising the who is paying for everything: the wedding won’t be perfect if i don’t have at least seven dresses.

-and i love her for it.

SEJANUS AND LUCY GRAY MENTION!! had they not returned to capitol, sejanus and lucy gray would have been the best man and the maid of honour. this is going to haunt me.

at first i was shocked that tigris wasn’t the maid of honour but then i read the reasoning behind it and everything, once again, made absolutely perfect sense. someone who is almost everything but not quite, fitting the image but still less than her. also her thinking tigris is prettier than her while coryo doesn’t even consider tigris pretty.

“we agreed on the wedding and this is the reception.” he thought he did something there didn’t he? the audacity. he was late too.

living for the fact that %90 of the impulsive decisions the bride makes are what the groom wished he could at one point in his life.

imagine getting livia cardew thrown out of a social event for causing a scene. with the award season starting recently, let’s give r an oscar for the best actress.

no bc first of all AS SHE SHOULD i love that energy for them i just know she had the time of her LIFE planning this wedding.

also AHH yes sejanus and lucy gray and HERES THE THING: r is all like “hmm idk maybe it would have been them guess we’ll never know 🤷‍♀️” but i can 100% tell you right now it would have been them, no questions even asked. up until the very bitter end she truly did love lucy gray, and she loved sejanus even after that. i think he was so much harder for her to get over and i would LOVE to expand on that one day in another oneshot maybe but i digress…

i truly believe that at this point r really does love tigris, but the love she gives out is fragile so as we have discussed it wouldn’t last forever and it would end abruptly. BUT i think that honestly the only reason she didn’t ask her to be MOH was because she believes she’s prettier than her. clemensia was not doing well, she was still recovering from the snake bite and clearly a mess physically AND emotionally (if her drinking habits are any indicator) so r thought she was perfect for the job because she under no circumstances could steal any positive attention from her. with tigris, i do think that in some subconscious capacity r feels threatened by her. she’s the only one who knows coryo as well as she does, possibly more, and that scares her after what happened with lucy gray. i believe she firmly does honestly think that tigris is prettier and that’s why she picked clem, but there is more behind that decision than even she understands. i think that she was embarrassed that her family would not be playing any kind of role in their wedding, so what would people think if his cousin did? they needed to be equally independent from their families, otherwise people would ask questions she did not want to answer.

edit from an hour later: i’d also like to note that when tigris talks to katniss, she claims that she was let go from her job as a stylist in the games (r’s games) bc snow “didn’t think i was pretty enough anymore”, so which snow did she mean?? just food for thought idk

okay and then on the topic of her father,, coryo ate him UP. enough said, honestly hahahaha

moving on to your next point, that’s totally a big part of why coryo loves her so much. that’s evident from the very beginning of the series too, though back then he views it a little differently. while other people look at her and see recklessness, anger issues, and general unpleasantness, he only sees that she’s a lot more honest and brave than anyone else is. he’s said it a billion times- she’s braver and stronger than anyone he’s ever met; including himself, and he admires that she can take what she wants without feeling guilty or embarrassed about her actions.

and FINALLY,, so true bestie she does deserve an award. even if the acting itself fooled no one, who are they to say that it wasn’t genuine?? rumours would not stick on her- livia would be at fault regardless. also shoutout coryo for understanding the vibes immediately and going along with it. he’s so real for that.

ONE MORE THING on the topic of livia,, this was so fun to use her to show how much r has changed through the whole ordeal. this takes place a little over two years (ish) after the finer things in life, and the way she treats livia is so so different, but livia has stayed pretty much the same, if not hardened up a little. r went from livia kicking her out of a party for bringing drugs only to hug her in response, to kicking livia out of her wedding for wearing a dress that had a little too much white on it and her first urge was to get violent over it. idk, i feel like i could talk ab this more but it’s just a little thought i wanted to share.

thank you as always bestie!!

[strawberry-metal]

Ok, so I managed to get sick today and ended up throwing up stomach acid. Fun. Soooo I’ll try to make this update readable despite feeling like shite. Also if I come across as rude at any points I do also apologize for that. >.<

Ok… I’ll try to make this easy to read.

-First off I ask that any invasive questions be kept to yourself, even if you’re a friend. Alot of this is private life matters and it is between me and those involved. I do not want to talk or reveal things about my private life, and I don’t want to do that about THEIR own private life as well. Please respect that. Only ONE of my friends knows everything and that’s just because they happened to be online when I REALLY needed an outsider to talk to and get an opinion from. Do not try to find out who it is, and if you know who it is, leave them alone please. And to my other friends, do not get jealous if you don’t know anything. It was again, simply because this person happened to be the one person online at the time. Do not bother them or start drama over it, please.

-Sooooo as I said above, I’m sick and threw up stomach acid. Hooraaaaay :D My allergies are also on high alert because I took a little walk in my backyard annnnnnd it’s full of ragweed. I’m REALLY allergic to ragweed. Rip. 🫠

-After moving I’ve… realized alot of things…in regards to my parents. I’m not gonna delve into the past or reveal private matters but…I was not the best daughter. I regret it so much. I did not cherish them. I also realized just… how much I love them. Legit cried for three days and didn’t sleep for two. Heh, since when was I such a crybaby? I want to be their little girl again but no matter how much I ask, the lord won’t rewind time.

-I spent all my time on the internet and I would stay home when they would go out to do stuff. For years. My parents had me really late, they’re both in their 70s now… while I’m in my 20s. I regret so much. Most kids get to have their parents until they're middle aged. I might not very well get that blessing and that tears my heart apart. It’s so unfair. There’s so much I need to make up for. I wanna make up for all the fights with mom, never really talking much or confiding in with my Dad, not going out with them to places, being so easily irritable, etc. I want to make up for things and lost time while I still can so I don’t have any regrets…

-I’m always so damn worried something will happen when I’m not around. My mom has bell’s palsy so if she gets sick she could end up in the emergency room. I almost lost her to covid. Dad I’m scared of him getting hurt because he’s a workaholic and always doing strenuous activity despite his age. What if he finally gets badly hurt? I’m not around all the time anymore if something does happen.

-And truthfully, I… realized I wasn’t as ready to move out as I thought I was. Alot of the reasons will remain private, but I’ll just say that I… wasn’t properly prepared for it, and the dating years weren’t like how most couples do them. My autism certainly makes that so much harder too. And all my stuff is already moved into the new place. Nothing of mine is at my folks anymore. Not even a bed. It just breaks my heart because I honestly feel like I don’t belong anywhere anymore, and I know I’m getting people hurt because of it. I just wish I was honest from the get go about how I felt so this whole situation could of been avoided.

-Honestly I just wish there was a way all four of us could be together.

-That’s all I’m gonna talk about. I don’t want to talk about or reveal anything more as it is private life matters. Please respect that.

-I’m probably gonna spend less time on social media because I desperately want to make up for lost time. I don’t want to have any regrets… so please don’t be scared if you don’t hear from me in two days or so.

-I will not answer any asks regarding this post but thank you for taking the time to read this update.

-I just feel like such a fuck up.

[buddhajesuschrusthole]

Hey everybody on tumblr (or whatever this damn fucking app is called ) - I am not a hip youngster anymore I am 25 years old and have never used this shit!

But anyway - hello!

I will be sharing today - one of my favorite things - advice on manifesting what you want to happen for you in this lifetime!

So! Without further adue- (is that how you spell it, French people?) Here is my blog on the subject! (At least for tonight haha, today is November 17th , 2023!)

So - manifesting! Have you heard of that term? It means - “bringing into reality / making your dreams come true!”

Manifesting your dreams therefore means - you guessed it - bringing your dreams from the dream realm - into your real life realm! (Turning your fantasy into reality!)

I’m serious, dawg! It’s happened to me - so that’s how I know! - So I don’t want to hear it! Lol! Jk - but I mean it tho!

So - I have manifested many-a-thing. Including - my dream boyfriend! (YES , I mean it - like he is the LITERAL GUY I wanted for SO LONG - the man I fantasized about in bed - before it actually happened! OMG - crazy - right!? NO! Because it’s fucking real! Now listen dawg…)

So here’s the story - so - years ago - I had wished for a guy with long hair down to his ass - a gorgeous one - that I literally would marry!

(We didn’t get married yet but that’s not the point!)

Years after I wished for that (YES, YEARS AFTER), I met this guy at work - named Devon (I literally remember thinking in bed one day - years before this happened - that his name would start with a damn D?!! WTF!!) - and was soooo cute! I loved him aaaaaaaaaaa! He was literally so adorable, I can’t even tell you!

But anyway - he was my type - shy - quiet - an asshole! Hahahha - just kidding Devon, I love you! No, but - maybe a lil bit. Lmao! (Sorry baby - I love you!)

But anyway he looked exactly like the kind of guy I would want to date tbh! So ummmm, so I talked to him as much as I could, even though he scared the shit out of me! He just had this intense stare of like - hate towards everybody - lmaooo! I can’t explain it but - if you experienced it before - then you probably know what I’m talking about haha!

He was just like - very anti-social and quiet - but I liked him anyway! Every time I talked to him - he was always nice to me! So that’s good haha!

Except for that one time at work - where I asked him where the cheese was during a rush (we worked in a kitchen at BDubs) - and we went in the walk-in fridge and he started kicking shit out of anger - and then I cried because I was scared that he hated me (he didn’t see that tho…) Oopsie Devon! You bitch! Lmao! Jk - I still love you!

Except for that one time - he was a really nice guy! Ummmm, so far hahaha!

But then after two weeks of working with him he walked-out and quit! Oh no! Fuck! He was the hottest guy at work and then I was so disappointed and mad tbh, lmaooo! Mostly because I had to do his job and mine - two weeks into my new fucking job - ahhhh!!!!!

I didn’t even know how to make nachos - and they still had me do it - all by myself - even in a rush! WTF!!! I had just started!!! Those bastards couldn’t hire someone!? Fine! So I did it all by myself!!!! (I’m serious - I was so mad wtf!)

But anyway - a few months go by - then I walk out too! Cuz I’m tired of working two peoples jobs - when I literally asked them to hire my two friends - and they just wouldn’t! WTF!

So yeah! That’s why I quit that one~! Hahahaha…

But! I think a few more months go by - or weeks!? I don’t even remember hahahaha I’m so sorry - but - it wasn’t too long…

But one night - I was thinking about Devon - in bed - by myself - and I was like damn - he was so cute! I miss him! - and I was taking out loud to myself and I went “Well, if he liked me, I’m sure he’d let me know!”

AND I SHIT YOU NOT!!!! I SHIT YOU NOT - he literally followed me on my instagram - THE NEXT MORNING! LMAOOO!! NO FUCKING WAY!

Yes, it’s true - this is the fucking facts of my life y’all! It’s literally all over my old YouTube channel!

That moment is what you’d call a serendipitous synchronicity! A moment of WTF and mystery - and a moment of - how the fuck is this even happening right now!? (It kind of felt like a dream I’m NGL!)

And the rest I’m going to keep from you - because it took about a year for us to get together - but I blocked him two weeks after he followed me - because I messaged him and we started taking but then he pissed me off - so I blocked him and cried about it!

But yeah - before that happened - me and him planned to meet at the park - but we couldn’t find each other (and I had to walk there.) But that’s not why I blocked him, so - blocked him because he pissed me off because I told him I liked him - and then he told me he wasn’t ready for a relationship right now (he kept talking about his ex gf and how much he missed her prior to this - and told me that he was crying blah blah blah.) (That was his only gf so I am giving him a fucking break in this one, but still - goddamn bitch!)

They had broken up a few years prior to that so I was like - wow. But they were together for three years and I can’t even imagine being in a relationship that long - so I can’t sympathize 100 percent… but I tried, goddamn it!

But yeah - I blocked him because of that ( even though I probably shouldn’t have told him I liked him the day after he cried to me about his ex gf, I think he just needed a friend tbh - but I wasn’t being a friend - I was being a thirsty bitch! Hahaha goddamn it!)

But to be fair he was flirting with me and it really mad me angry! So yeah! Kudos to past me! Muahahahha!

But anyway - even though he was a beautiful guy - I blocked his ass and cried about it immediately after - because after I blocked him - I unblocked him but then found out that he blocked me, too. (To be fair , after I told him I liked him I went ahead and told him I would just go fuck this other guy instead (he was hot too…))

Goddamn, maybe I was a damn bitch….oh well.

But anyway!

Me and that other guy met one time (I think it was a few days after or something, but we never saw each other again, and no we didn’t fuck, just hung out and shit, didn’t even kiss the guy.)

But yeah. So that’s why I blocked him ~!

But then! After that second guy kind of hurt me because he didn’t text me back after we hung out (maybe it’s because I pointed out this girls choker in his fucking car!?) IDK if he had a gf or what but - ew.

I was like sad and shit - but then I was like - fuck men! So I stayed single after that.

I just wanted my soulmate tbh.

But honestly - the dating sites weren’t working - and I was bored.

So I messaged Devon on his Facebook account like (two to four) months after I blocked him hahaha!

He didn’t reply for two weeks - but then he saw it and replied ( I think he didn’t see it because we weren’t friends - either that or he was ignoring me but idc I understand tbh!)

But he messaged me back and we started talking - I tried not to be clingy this time - but when I wanted him to message me first - he didn’t. So I was like wow, why should I message you first if you don’t message me first!? The fuck!

But I don’t think that technique worked… because I went a few weeks without messaging him - and then I messaged him once after that and I saw that he had blocked me.

I was like “NOoOoOooO!!!” And I cried - I’m sorry I’m just a sappy lil bitch tbh - even though it’s my own fault cuz I blocked the guy first!

Hahahhaha oh lord.

But anyway - I cried for a few days because I still had a crush on him and all that… but after that happened - I told myself that he just needed time. I told myself that he was going through something and wouldn’t just block me out of nowhere for nothing. (Which ended up being the truth - he was indeed going through something.)

So - months and months and months go by - maybe six months? Seven months? I don’t know how many! Maybe five? I’m not good at math nor time - sorry folks.

But anyway - months go by - and during those months - I was vigorously masterbating to him.

Yes, I mean every damn day!

I mean it.

But anyway - I imagined him massaging me in my bed with lotion all over my back - making it nice and relaxing and romantic.

I imagined him eating me out and plowing the shit out of my vagina hole.

And I mean it, too!

Anyway - I told myself not to worry - and that if he really liked me that much - that he would unblock me eventually.

Low and behold - the day comes - I’m browsing my Facebook messenger - and I see his bubble was online!

I was like - why would his bubble be online to me if he has me blocked still - that seems dumb.

So I clicked on his bubble and it took me to his profile - which wouldn’t happen if you’re blocked. (IK you already know this, ladies and gentlemen, hahaha jk!)

But anyway - I clicked on it and I was so happy because I was like OMG no way - he finally unblocked me after how many months!?

So I didn’t message him that day - I waited for him to do - which was unrealistic and he didn’t end up doing anything - so like a week or two goes by and then I decide to message him!

I was like “Hey Devon - so - why did you block me - I thought I told you that I was going through some emotional stuff and I thought you had forgiven me for that already?”

Then he said something like “Yeah I’m sorry - I don’t really know why I did that.”

And I was like “Sure you do, buddy! I know I blocked you first and I know it’s my own fault - but I’m very sorry and I hope you understand that I liked you and wanted to be your friend - I was just going through a lot emotionally at the time.”

And he told me he understood, and he told me something along the lines of “I think you are a wonderful person - I am sorry if I hurt you - I didn’t mean to.”

And inside I felt so happy because I thought that was sweet…

So we talked - and talked - and talked - and then every day after that - I messaged him - not caring who was first to do it anymore. I guess I just liked him that much or something haha. But he always messaged me back and didn’t leave me on read or anything.

So that’s good.

So I think a month of that goes by - and then I finally ask him if he wants to hang out with me - and he says yes.

(Remember when I told you I couldn’t find him at the park? He thought I stood him up - and I thought he had stood me up, too. That was also before I told him I liked him. Probably not a good plan to tell him after that , and the fact that he cried about his ex the night before. But whatever - I was thirsty - he was hot - what can I say? LMAO And guys - he did tell me he thought I was very attractive (before I blocked him and before he blocked me lol) - so I know he didn’t think I was ugly so that’s definitely not it.)

So here is another weird coincidence : also called a serendipitous moment - also called a synchronicity - meaning that we are synchronized!

Before the day we hung out - I had asked myself - “what would that moment be like?”

So, I had imagined that moment - and guess what? The very thing I had imagined and hoped for - became the ultimate reality that day that we hung out.

To the very T.

(Which is also why it weirds me out a little - but it’s also very beautiful - if you ask me~!)

I mean to the damn T - the energy was the same - and before we hung out I hoped that he would ask to buy me a coffee (which he did ask me if he could get me one one day!) Plus - I had hoped that he would hang out with me every week after that (which he had said to me - something along the lines of: “We should make it a tradition to see each other every week, or something.”)

But yeah now we’re dating.

(We didn’t get to see each other every week after that - but we did see each other - and I am very happy that he’s a blessing in my life now. He is a dream come true and I have told him this - and he had also told me that he had sex dreams about me and about us dating before it actually happened.)

We were friends for a few months after we first hung out - and then I told him: (“What are we doing here? I like you. And I need to know if you like me too. And if not , tell me now.”)

Then he told me he was confused too and then we talked about it - and then I invited him to a sleepover. The rest is personal - but honestly we’re dating now. So the rest is history.

However, he does remind me of a character I made up in my head, whom I said had long dark hair, and who would be my husband one day.

Like I said - this was so many years ago - probably about four or so years ago that I made up that fantasy.

And I told myself he’d like to read too - which he does! Which is crazy to me! Now all I have to do is make him gothic and he will literally be the exact match to my fantasy many years ago. (He does like gothic stuff so I don’t think that’ll be too hard.)

But yeah that’s the story of me and my boyfriend - omg I missed a detail!

I remember - the day after we officially got together - the next day Devon had told me that his brother had got an engagement ring for his girlfriend and that he was going to ask her to marry her!

I just thought that was significant since - like I said - this guy reminds me of my fantasy that I had of a husband. LMAOOO!

But yeah! Thanks for reading and listening to my story! Leave a like and follow for more manifesting stories - I have lots - even scary bits! :D

Also look up my YouTube if you’re interested - Buddha Jesus Chrusthole (Infinite Butthole Jesus)!

[cleviation]

Rises the moon

The cool wind breeze blows against my skin. I look around, green grass fields surrounding me. I see a hill in the distance with a singular tree in its center. I walk towards it. I can hear the whisper of the air around me but I pay no attention to it. I reach the hill and sit under the tree. The journey here made me a bit tired. I don’t know why I feel so calm, I have no idea where I am, nor how I got here. I look at my surroundings once more, trying to get my thoughts on track. I see nothing but endless green seas of grass. There's some sort of comforting feeling that goes over me as I look into the distance. It's as if I feel happy being in an isolated place like this; It’s like I wanted to be here. I let out a deep sigh, not because I feel a bit scared.. but because I feel like I can finally breathe. It’s so refreshing when the only sounds you can hear is the swaying of the grass against each other. No one is with me and there is no more noise, no more tiny voices in my head; I am free. Although all my life I've claimed that I can’t survive without companionship, There would be moments where I would wish I could go somewhere quiet and isolated. The busy noise of life can be overwhelming, and sometimes I can’t handle it anymore. The sounds of people talking, the honking of cars, the noisy steps of people walking; All are becoming too much. 

  For a moment a thought slipped into my mind. Why don’t I just stay here? I have absolutely no idea how I got here so I probably would not be able to go back as well… The faces of my friends slip into my head. I can’t believe I forgot about them. It’s true that they are very dear to me, which is why I became hesitant about my choice to stay here. What will happen to them? Will they be alright? Will they notice I’m gone? Will they look for me? Will they… still remember me? Countless questions appear in my head as I recount my memories with my beloved friends. I go back to when I first met them, I was nervous as I was afraid they might not like me. It’s so funny thinking about it now that we’re closer than before and now that I know they would never judge me, I was able to be my true self whenever I was with them. Another memory slips into my head, meeting new friends and adding them to our group. I was so happy seeing how our group has gotten more people in it. Even before school started I was already planning on befriending people not just because I wanted more friends, but I also wanted to help my current friends find people who are like them or share the same interests as them. I would daydream about going around the classroom and asking people what their certain interests are, and if I found a match for either one of my friends I would call them over. Seeing them talk and create new friends made me happy. It might seem creepy but I was genuinely happy for them. Even though I wasn’t able to find people with the same interests as them I was still able to find people where they could comfortably talk to. I am glad they got along with our new friends. During the period when we all were still a bit awkward with each other, I was worried that I might make some of us feel left out, so I tried my absolute best to make sure I talked to everyone. It was so serious for me that I would get sad if I felt like I didn’t talk a lot with one of them. This worry probably stems from my experience when I was new here. I was at my lowest during that time; Trying to fit into a new group of people while slowly losing my connection with my old group of friends. I didn’t have anyone to talk to during these days, I could only sob loudly in front of my mother who was no help. A social person like me suddenly being put in a situation where I have no one to talk to broke me. It might seem like I was throwing a tantrum because no one talked to me but I needed someone to talk to. Even if it was just small talk I would be so happy I talked to someone. I didn’t want anyone to go through that deep feeling of aloneness. Even  though I know everyone has different experiences, I just wanted to make it clear to my new friends that they could talk to me whenever they wanted. Other memories pass through my head. I am still on top of the hill, and I still haven’t decided if I want to stay or go back to my dear friends. The sun starts to set and I am still in the same position I was in earlier. Many ideas are in my head and I’ve just been trying to decide on my choice. Comforting loneliness or Irreplaceable Happiness. I watch the pink hues in the sky appear as the sun slowly sinks into the void.

  The moon rises. The pink hues in the sky no more. I look straight into the moon as I finally choose what to do. I’ve thought about it deeply and; I choose to stay here. I know that I'm sacrificing my relationships and the source of my happiness, but... I’m just too tired now. Even though I have my friends with me to support me, I still have many worries and problems I need to face on my own. I don’t want to face them anymore. It’s too much for me. I still feel sad about leaving my friends, but I want to be selfish for just this once. To everything and every one of my problems; I hope you will never find me again and I can finally be at peace. To my friends... I’m sorry. 

  I could feel my eyes drooping as the night grew. I can finally rest. I let out one last breath before surrendering into slumber beneath the tree, as the moon watched me.

[funnelcloudd]

I’m feeling really demoralized and beat down by everything lately and idk if I’m gonna be able to pull myself out of it this time.

I’m realizing that I had my identity tied to my abuser for so long and I wasn’t allowed to be an adult and now I don’t really know who I am and I’m having to figure that out in my mid 30s which fucking sucks.

I’m incredibly lonely and touch starved but dating is a horrible minefield when you’re fat and ND and I absolutely hate it. I feel like I’m running out of time to find somebody and it scares me. I kind of want a kid but I’m running out of time to do that too.

I’m broke all the fucking time despite making more money than I’ve ever made in my life because I’m paying for school out of pocket and I have 7,000 dollars in credit card debt. On top of all the other bills and basic living expenses I’m constantly having to borrow from paycheck advance apps and I can’t get out of the loop. I’m not even paying rent or anything so it makes it extra embarrassing because despite living with my mom I’m still broke as shit and it’s literally all my fault so I feel bad even whining about it lmao. My brain is not meant for capitalism. I don’t think it’s meant for this world in general.

On top of all that I come on this stupid fucking website which is normally a form of escapism for me and I get wildly misinterpreted by a bunch of people to which I react poorly because I’m fucking autistic and I can’t control my emotions, and nothing makes me feel fucking worse and more attacked than being misunderstood. And then I just don’t even want to interact anymore with communities I thought I was a part of and it makes me feel even more like an alien.

Every social interaction is anxiety inducing and exhausting unless I’m drunk. I get blackout drunk (and spend yet more money I don’t have) at least once a week and it’s slowly destroying my mental and physical health (which were shit to begin with) but I can’t stop and I fucking hate AA and being drunk is the only time I feel like a person.

Idk you ever feel like you don’t belong literally anywhere and you’re not worthy of love and you just wish you would either die or win the lottery so you can go live in the woods for the rest of your life and never talk to anyone ever again? I’m thinking of the warren zevon song “Splendid Isolation” and I’m like yeah man I absolutely fucking get it.

[roseytoesy]

this is a vent. A scream into the void and I expect nothing out of it and I’m sorry to my followers. I just need to get this out somewhere.

it’s under the read more. Again sorry for all this. Just skip it cause I’m just a confused scared bean in a big scary world.

hehe long space

alright that’s probably enough…

1 just… the us of America doesn’t feel very united. Our candidates for presidents are jokes and way too old to deal with modern day issues. 2 it seems that unless you get lucky or make something successful by lying and bullying and doing anything but work hard then you’ll make it in their capitalistic hellhole that we’re creating. 3 how is a 20 year old supposed to survive in this world if I wasn’t even taught how to do taxes?! How am I supposed to be expected to just find my own job when most employers send our things begging for workers then ghost so often you’d think they were dead! 4 how am I supposed to be myself and be quirky and silly and enjoy myself when the grind is normalized? When I’m expected to sacrifice everything for others and just let myself die quietly in a corner cause otherwise I’m selfish? 5 go get therapy. Go get a job. Go to collage. For what in the end?! To be another semi better cog in a machine that will die one day and be forgotten forever?! To be a nothing for a short time. Cause that’s all that the working class is to corporations. That all we are to governments so focused on control that they erase individuals with a click. With a bill. 6 I honestly wish we could do more to change things. But there’s so many hoops. So many tests where if you aren’t tough enough you’ll fail and never be allowed even close to making any difference anywhere. 7 I want to live in a world where I didn’t have to worry or fear for my future becuase I don’t want to have to work the rest of my life until I’m to old to move. Then be let go and die as what little I did make drains away like my fleeting time on earth that I wasted for that which I can’t keep or even use. 8 will I be shunned for not wanting kids. Will I be hated for not having or ever wanting any? In this crumbling economy it wouldn’t be worth it. Especially with mental health already a struggle. 9 safe spaces. Places to physically meet and hang out are fading. Social adaptability is harder and harder. Everything is online and insane. 10 I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m lost and feel pretty alone. That despite everything. I’m just a fish gasping. Trying to live. But will still die slowly as someone in a better starting place than me gets to watch. 11 I don’t know who I am because I’m so burnt out and numb some days/nights that I just want to start over. But I can’t. I don’t want to either. It’s just hard, hard to exist when it seems everything is on the verge of breaking. 12 and due to burning out I’ve lost myself too. I haven’t drawn in a very long time… I don’t write often, and when I do it’s vent poems or messages. I can laugh or smile but it doesn’t last long. Is it too much to ask for an escape? To be whisked away and told I’ll always get food water shelter and stimulation. Hell I wouldn’t even mind being a glorified pet for some other being. So long as I’m taken care of well I’ll be happy. 13 just scary times. A constant thing after another. Needing a break from school, getting home to renovations, living without a kitchen for a month, dealing with winter, job and internship hunting, months of NOTHING but eh maybes and ghosting, cleaning up other peoples stuff for those many months, being the taxi service, nearly crashing and having a car breakdown in zero service on vacation, grandparent passing away and that side of the family dragging in their drama. Mental breakdowns as I struggle to just desist in a space that I could try and call my own. Burned through a game and now just numb again

[frogfishwastaken]

Little vent, I’d really like some advice if you have any:

So for context, you probably know that most artists have a Thing about their sketchbooks where basically no one can see it. It’s like a diary. I have taken this to the extreme and for the past like ten years have lived two separate lives, one as a good kid and good student, and one as an artist and webtoon creator online (usually under the cover of night). I’ve never let these two paths cross, and I know my parents have always been curious about what I do for hobbies, but they’re never really seen my art other than the landscape sketches and still life paintings I do in class. Anyways a few months ago I left my sketchbook on the table briefly while unpacking my luggage from a recent trip. I kept hearing murmurs from the other room and occasional small exclamations etc. so I went back to investigate and THEY WERE LOOKING THROUGH MY SKETCHBOOK, THEY WERE AT THE END OF IT and I totally freaked out and grabbed it out of their hands. I just started crying really hard and couldn’t explain why. I guess I’ve always been terrified of their judgment even though I really had no reason to be, since they’re generally supportive and don’t really criticize me all that much. I didn’t talk to them for like. A day. My little brother bless his actual soul explained the whole secretive sketchbook culture to my parents and they kind of apologized but I could tell they didn’t really see it as a big deal. Now it’s been months and I still can’t open that sketchbook.It’s really messing with me because I did have some really nice drawings in there I just can’t open that sketchbook without risking a panic attack. It’s stupid and I wish I wasn’t like this but I don’t know how to begin tackling this issue. I also have had really bad art block for a while because of it and it feel like I have all these ideas but I’m too scared to draw them. Which is again stupid!! All my art is so incredibly socially acceptable! I don’t even draw people kissing for god’s sake let alone anything nsfw! Why am I like this!!

TL:DR my parents went through my whole sketchbook and now I can’t even open it anymore. Making me have bad artblock and I wish I could fix it fr

[byama-yan]

Last night, I had a dream about the world killing itself. I looked up at the sky and the stars were bursting everywhere, racing through the darkness. There was patches of fireworks dancing in the sky, but not as we see it. In a digital sense. For the first time, in a long time the world stood still and then complete chaos. I ran back into the house, and all the computers were glitching out. Every thought, every memory that every single person have had over the course of life lit up the screens. You would think it would be on overload, but the funny thing is, come to find out, I guess we all have been experiencing the same thoughts, just different context. I remember a video playing of a car crash involving multiple cars. Maybe on a bridge? And there was gasoline on the ground, so they all blew up. No survivors.. or were the cars already vacant? In my dream I couldn’t help but think about how we never say what’s really on our mind to the people that need to hear it the most. We wait too late, even while knowing that any day we may never get to see that person again. And how we never let someone know how we really feel about them. How we care. I think that’s why I feel like such a fool when I pour out my heart, not to be fake or to gas you up. But because sometimes, your existence is just that beautiful to me. Why is compassion and unconditional love becoming such a lost art? In my dream, I wasn’t afraid of dying. I was afraid that I may have lived a life unfulfilled, simply because I didn’t have enough human interaction. Technology can be a great thing, don’t get me wrong. But when did tools become the center of existence? I guess it’s another reminder for myself to disconnect from social platforms and to get out more. I wish it wasn’t cold here, literally and figuratively. I wonder if that’s why I talk to old people so much. Even the rude ones. I think nothing beats waking up slowly. Watching the sunrise, listening to the birds chirp and appreciating the beauty of nature. Taking in the day slowly, gratefully. It’s funny because, I feel weird when I’m in a room and I’m the only one not on my phone. Just sitting there observing, actually living.. yet, I’m the one who’s feeling weird. The way the world drastically changed into the digital age scares me in a way. Because we may never have genuine human contact again. Do people even know how to live anymore? I think that’s why I yearn to move somewhere more traditional to the old ways. When people would just live in the moment.

-B

[diariesof-kg]

The Heartbreaker Continued...

Tmobile won’t let me disconnect my phone line, what a damn joke.  And IG keeps denying me of deactivating my IG.  I just came back from seeing my kids.  It somehow healed a part of me.  The innocence of children is honestly a beautiful thing.  It’s the ultimate forever love you’ll always get.

I noticed everyone was on their phones and well I wasn’t.  The consumption of social media is really something toxic.  Everyone also noticed my energy was way off even though I smiled a lot.  My best friend mom was like “...are you okay? Are you good...” I wanted to break but couldn’t.  It’s like one of those moments of do not speak about that forbidden thing.  I want to go to the beach tonight.  I feel the urgency to get there.  I am kind of glad the plans are cancelled for tomorrow.  Hearing my mom say “Be strong...” stings.  She knows I’ve attempted to take my life 3x and the next time will be the last.  The last conversation, I cried when she said “be strong Ke’Anna, you have to be...” if anything should happen to her.  Maybe that’s why she refuses to come see me?  In my dreams I see her feet never her face.  Maybe she’s scared that if I come in contact I’ll let go of this world.  I’ve been strong and I’m tired.  Everyday I wake up and I am in pain.  I swear I don’t want to be in this vessel anymore.  It’s a weird type of pain.  And look at me venting my thoughts out.  Look at me disappearing, and yet, “I am a ghoster and a bad friend” Lol.

When shit hits the fan, no one has my back at all.  I honestly DO NOT understand why I am so bothered.  That’s why I need to go away.  I am beyond vulnerable at this point.  Accountability also bothers me.  No one is willing to admit their wrongs and apologize.  I feel like once my mom died, I became very weak and everything bothers me.  Maybe I am scared of being alone for once, when at first I wasn’t because she was here.  Maybe I am scared of my subconscious?  Maybe I am seeking things to feel a void?  What if I have become broken (like everyone else) and seeking a healer?  I feel like a disease walking around infecting those around me unintentionally.  I feel ugly inside.  This friend thing boiled everything over for me.  Capricorns are the goats but we feel things too.  We have emotions too.  We hurt too.  

I do be use to people’s actions, but a person can only handle so much.  The fact that my sister came and was so busy visiting her friends was hurtful.  I was only allowed two days and that barely worked.  I wanted to have lunch with her and my girlfriend but my sister schedule just didn’t allow that and she wasn’t going to readjust anything.  *tears* Maybe I’m too sensitive?  I get everyone has their own life, but the fact my own sister spared me 2 days, real life hurts.  I have to take care of everything regarding our mother and my brother, meanwhile she has no responsibilities.  That’s why I always question, what am I doing here?  I am here to do what others are not willing to do.  Then she poured the drama on me and didn’t pour back into me at all.  It’s like Ke’Anna why are you even upset at this point, you should be use to this.  I shouldn’t be use to anything at this point, I should be respected and appreciated.  So many things bother me at this point, I just want to disappear.  My feelings are always denied and never heard, that’s why I don’t speak about them, I’d rather write them out.  I feel like as a child it’s always been this way, but then once I interacted with other humans, it’s still the same, friendships, relationships, family.....

I wish people would stop seeing me as a sexual object.  I can’t even begin to express those thoughts.  I’d never forget when, this chick my friends named her Candy Cane was so upset, and said “you could get it, aint no way no one is fucking you...”  that’s for a different blog post, but I’ll gather those screenshots from my old phone.  Some random number, sent nudes, asking me to eat their p*ssy.  Anyone would be delighted to have things like this happen, but if you knew what happened to me as a child, you’d be a bit more respectful.  Plus the other chick sexually assaulting me (for another blog).  Phew....there is so much bottled up it’s starting to leak.  I enjoy intimacy with love making with the person I choose to be with.  I am not interested in having sex with random folks or be enticed by inappropriate comments that come from people I am not in a relationship with.  The sad thing about is, I can’t ask no one I am friends with who liked me to stop by, because I am too scared of being touched on and not knowing what to do.  I can’t even hug folks without them being turned on.  It’s a sick world seriously.  Although I’d never let these people know where I live, it be the thoughts sometimes, I just be needing a friend, not to be fcked on.  I can’t deny how people feel, but I wish it wasn’t towards me, this is why deep inside I just want to be loved properly.  I wish people would stop having sex dreams about me and telling me, I gag every time.  And the reason I don’t reply, because when I tell people, its inappropriate it turns into this big deal and I am the bad guy.

I stopped posting on social media, because I don’t like the comments or DMs sometimes and I know that’s weird, but for some reason compliments make me feel weird.  

To end this blog ----

I wish I wasn’t as weak right now.  Feeling numb, is like not caring if you live or die.  Not caring about eating, just existing at this point.  I need to go to the beach, but I can’t see at night.  I want to be loved properly.  I think that’s why it’s hard for me to say, “I love you...” because I know I mean it, but others may not.  “I love you so much...” she said just to tell lies on me and become the victim.  “I love you key...” just to accuse me of messing with your best friend, and interfering with your baby daddy.  Can someone please say, “I love you” without the bullshit being attached.  

[bemylatentdream]

To The One Who Will Likely Get Away, Happy Birthday.

Hey Jada,

Happy birthday.

I hope 21 is your best year yet. I know we've had conversations where you said you’re shocked to be here but I'm so glad that you're alive. You're funny. You're charming. I love the way you geek out on comics and superheroes. I love how you look when you cosplay. I love how you look without makeup. I love when you dress feminine. I love how the you dress masculine. I love your lips. I love how you look when you're focused on something. I love how you can just change a tire. I love when you don't want to get off the phone. I love your body. It's just perfect and beautiful. I love your hair. I love your cheeks.

I love the sound of your voice even though you hate it. I love how you sing and rap to 90s and early 2000s R&B and Hip Hop. I love when we hold hands. I love when you are in my arms, it just feels right. I love how smart you are when it comes to social and world affairs. I love how you love to travel. I love how you're so supportive to your friends. I love how you are toward animals. I love how many stuffies you own. I love how sweet you are to strangers. I love how you refer to yourself as jady when referring to yourself in the third person.

I'm going to be honest, you're my best friend and I love you. I'm sorry I wasn’t the best at saying that earlier on because of my trauma. I'm sorry that I waited so long at the wrong moment. I never wanted to hurt you and I know that's hard to believe but I never did. I never thought I could love anyone. I always thought it was fake. I only saw it in movies and songs. I only ever dreamed about it in unreachable hypotheticals. I never thought anyone would ever love me. I never thought love was a real thing, and as we got to know each other more it became more apparent that it is. I'm such a slow burn person that as the flame begins to grow it becomes too late and everything then catches on fire like a crescendo point of a song and there's no turning back.

You're my golden hour. I wish everything went so differently. I wish we could forget about what happened and what we've done to each other but that's not possible at least not on your end. I know I fucked up. I don't want our connection to be those lessons where I learn to do better next time. I want you to still be in my life. I don't want to just be friends. I want you to be my partner. I want you to be my girlfriend. I want you to still be here with me. I want to have our cuddles. I want us to still make out. I want us to still make love. I want us to still travel together. I want to still crack up and share jokes and roast each other. I want to tell you about census designated points and street signs. I want to spend my life with you. I want to still yearn about visiting each other’s hometowns. I want to still yearn about how we would move out of this fucked up state with each other. I want to still be your safe space and I want you to be mine. I want to still have our car rides where we can sit and talk and sing. I want you to know I love you and I would do anything to make this work, that you can trust me and that i’ll prove it to you. That I will continue to show up for you. I hate how when we last called you said that you don't want to tell me that you still love me. I'm scared with this space that you won't love me anymore even though I love you.

But I know in my gut that's likely not going to be what happens. Good endings don’t exist. And if I'm unfortunately correct, I don't want to push you. I don't want to force you. I don't want you to feel you have to do something to make me happy. I don't want you to waste your time on me if you feel it's worthless. And if being without me makes you happy that’s fine as long as you're happy. As long as it means it's going to become better. As long as it means that you don't have to feel stress no more. If it's better for you then that's what we need to do. You deserve a love that makes the stars align. And if that's not with me it sucks but I understand. Even though a little part of me wonders am I not fighting hard enough? Am I not showing up enough?

Regardless, I will always love you and thank you for everything from our experiences, to our laughter, to our tears, to our passion, to us.

Happy birthday.

-macchy

[creaturebehavior]

damn. life hurts. i think i’ve been having a really hard time.

i feel like i will never get out of this hole because the world wasn’t designed for me. i get burnt out every time i try to do what everybody else is doing

all i want is to run away. i have no income and nowhere to run.

i wish i at least had money for drugs.

i can’t believe i’m alive. i don’t want to do this anymore. i can’t wake up to this anymore.

i wish i at least could afford to use drugs. i can’t believe how suicidal i feel today. i haven’t felt this way in a really long time.

i wish i could be more normal. all i want is to work a little job and to make enough to get my needs met but i can’t even hold a conversation with a human or barely leave my house

I feel trapped. and i know if i try to kill myself again i’ll just end up not getting the help i need like every other time and for some reason i can never fucking die like i just won’t die i always live no matter how many overdoses or seizures are car crashes or the whole town burning down while i’m driving through it in my car but for some cruel reason i just won’t die.

i have to find another way. i’m honestly kind of afraid to die but i’m also so afraid to keep on living. i think if i were to seriously attempt suicide again, i would try carbon monoxide poisoning in my car in the garage but i’m just afraid i would have too much time to change my mind. i always think a lot about hanging myself so that i can’t change my mind but i can’t find anywhere in my house to hang myself from.

idek. i’ve been having a really bizarre week, mentally. i lot of flashbacks. a lot of dreams. a lot of recent fumbled social interactions m, reinforcing my fear of interacting with people. a lot of awareness around my behavior, past and present and how toxic of a person i’ve always been. i don’t know how to heal from this or change. i’m in so much pain all the time i’m such a selfish person, i’m just like my dad, my whole life is about how much pain i’m in and making it every im else’s problem. This is the reason why i avoid people and isolate myself from everyone, because i don’t know how to behave. i don’t know how to not act out. i don’t know how to regulate my emotions. i don’t know how to filter my thoughts. even if it’s accidental, i am rude. i feel feral. i feel completely detached from the song and dance everyone does with each other. i have such low empathy. i find it hard to care about anybody. i’m so burnt out, i find it hard to continue to politely pretend i care about anybody.

i’m clearly very unwell. at least i’m aware of it now, right? i just can’t fathom how i’m gonna get better. i’m exhausted. i don’t know how to try to care i don’t know how to be better. i cut myself off from the world. i try so hard in my little interactions when i run my necessary errands and i try to be nice but i still am accidentally rude and i come off very strangely. whenever i’m stone cold sober i appear to be on drugs because i’m so out of touch with reality and i’m so mentally fucked in the head. don’t know what it is. severe dissociation and anxiety i guess. I have been having to confront my internalized ableism as i haven’t been this sick in awhile, and the older i get the slightly more self aware i’m becoming. I realize how visibly ill i am. and it’s been difficult to bring that around other people because i feel so much shame being as.. out of whack… as i am. i wish i could hold it in but i just can’t mask anymore. i got so burnt out and i’m so sick.

ugh. i don’t know how i’m gonna get past this. i know something obviously needs to change. clearly i need some kind of help but i’m scared to get vulnerable with more mental health professionals. i’ve had some bad experiences in recent history that really messed up my relationship with therapy and treatment. i’ve developed trust issues that i know i’m going to have to get over but they are very real. my last therapist made me feel worse at every session but i kept seeing her because i was convinced it was a me problem, because i have a really difficult time opening up to people already. we didn’t click but i saw her for like two years because i thought i just needed to warm up to her because i already have trouble trusting anybody. and now i’m all screwed up cuz we had so many bad sessions i can barley remember what it’s like to have a good therapy session and when i reflect on all the years i’ve been in therapy and i’ve only really connected with one therapist out of idek what feels like countless therapists i’ve tried. It’s so hard to find someone i feel i can be open with.

idek. i feel stuck