#healing sucks

[rustedgate]

im not enjoying the whole "well enough im doing ok, but having Moments over dumb shit anyway" cause now i feel like im being irrational or attention seeking or selfish because i dont have a reason. im angry, im frustrated, but i feel like i cant be those things. i'll be on the verge of a meltdown and the only thing stopping me is that what if im making other people uncomfortable or scared. im stuck been the feeling that every emotion i have is selfish and the reality of everything i do is filtered through the lens of what will make everyone else comfortable. i dont know.

[gendervapor14]

i need a hammer to the heart like i need a bat to the brain

[amyranoor]

I look in the mirror and I hate the person I see. I know a cliche line. But her messy hair, her overweight body, and her oily unwashed face. She's not the person I want to be. She's not the person I'd want to be with. But is it really her fault? I haven't been taking care of her. Piles of clothes created a mountain on the sofa. Unwashed dishes, Untouched food.

When was the last time, I said something nice to her? I know you are going through a rough time, I am here for you. She deserves love and care. But here I am, completely ignoring and neglecting her. It's my fault, I am her destruction.

I am my destruction.

[angel-on-the-cutting-room-floor]

[mycptsdstory]

A lot of people don't talk about healing; is one minute you can be doing great, fine and living your best life.

The next you can take six steps back and you feel like you're at square one again.

This is okay. Healing is NOT linear. You're allowed to have a few stumbles and falls. It's okay.

[not-aurii]

"How have you survived this long when you're so violently self-destructive?"

I happen to also be incredibly good at mending myself

[sezja]

The ITCHING

[peyton--warren]

I can use a little less of it this week. Thanks.

[ruminate88]

When my ex Cody ghosted me, I went through a period of numbness I mean, I literally felt nothing, and I was totally shut down from the whole entire world, and I hated myself so deeply!!!!!!!! I was still alive physically, I was still supporting my brother‘s kids and helping to raise them But I just felt nothing inside. I was so dead and in the dark.

then 4/5 months later I meet Andrew and I was hesitant with him like he was coming on strong to me trying to lovebomb me and he was asking me to marry him every day and it was just like overwhelming because I had been so numb for so long, but Andrew was starting to make me feel stuff again and I spent a summer flirting with him and then finally I felt like I wanted to try again at love, you know, and I told Andrew I had been ghosted hoping that he would not pursue me if he wasn’t interested, but the fact that he did it anyway …

Andrew spent over a year talking to me and flirting with me and calling me “babe“ but yet when I try to go to his campus to visit him, he doesn’t even want me there. He tells me it’s not a good time and that was so hurtful like then what are we doing? Why are you wasting so much of my time if you have no interest of actually being with me? And I couldn’t just ignore him because at that point I was invested into him you know over a year of talking to somebody, sending nudes, sexting and telling them that you want to be with them like that’s not a nothing to me that means something. Don’t say you want me as your gf if you don’t actually mean it!!! I guess he only said it so I would continue to send him nudes ???? Idk…. He always sent his too. A lot.

obviously, it meant more to me than it did to Andrew and I think he treated me as if I’m just a screen name that I don’t have a face or feelings or that I’m not a real person but I am and it sucks you know and I’m trying so hard to let it all go and move on because he doesn’t want me but why did you spend so much time with me? What was all of it for, just for a sick joke? And then the way he FaceTimed me again later on when I’m trying to move onto to somebody else but yet he’s acting like it was an accident and he wasn’t trying to FaceTime me well then why did it happen twice in the same day????

I’m so tired of holding onto to it all cuz he’s not holding on…. He’s been moved on no issue. He never came back or tried to make it right with me. Just left me confused and with so many unanswered questions 😓 like he never could give me a straight annswer ever. I was begging him for the truth 💔 guess he enjoyed watching me cry in agony… maybe he gets pleasure in my pain ??? 😞

[cradleofvenus]

haha

wrong turn

[pommedepersephone]

We rediscover a forgotten love, one that once made us hum with joy but somewhere along the way we forgot the tune. Some bullshit cannon event in your life came along and buried that love under emotional trash and you have to carefully unearth it and clean off whatever pain or unpleasantness covers it now. It won't be the same, it has aged and so have you. That is where I find myself now. I am excavating, sorting through the debris for the all the neglected parts of me.

You have to excavate before you can create. You have to clear out the unresolved emotional trash that accumulated. Perform some clumsy kintsugi on the little bits of your soul, reconnect the wires - yes, this sparked your heart, remember? When you used to draw and paint and write poetry and fearlessly create meaning and it was fucking glorious, you ferocious feral thing.

It's exhausting. I'm exhausted.

Anyway, shout out to my fellow emotional trash pandas digging their way out of whatever mess they find themselves in. Look at you, you're gorgeous. Stay feral, friends.

[amyranoor]

I have realized, that healing is something I can never wrap my head around. It sounds simple. You just need to heal your wounds, feel your emotions, and face your demons. Changing the bad coping mechanisms and the horrible thought process. Okay, maybe it doesn't sound that simple. But hear me out, healing is not linear. Not a process that goes like a straight line. It's full of ups and downs. I mean serious downs, to the point you question your sanity, and sometimes you question yourself, am I even healing?

It's such a heavy process, you just want to be over with it. But then you learn healing takes a huge amount of time. Not days, not months. But years.

And I lose my head. I keep forgetting to be kind to myself. Forgetting that it's okay to mess up and fall down. It's okay. It's all completely okay to feel the things I am feeling. That I am not insane, not some horrible human who cannot be fixed.

I am not insane, my brain is responding to trauma. I am not insane and it is not my fault. I am not my trauma. My trauma is something horrible that has happened to me. That does not define who I am.

[mycptsdstory]

I got blocked by someone argued or debated with me that healing hurts and having unwanted memories is hard to deal with... Yeahh, because it is.

Unwanted memories, unwanted feelings and having to deal with it later in life. Yeahh, it hurts. It fucking sucks. I don't sugar coat that. No point. What's the point in sugar coating, how healing hurts? What... So I can lie to you? To make you feel "comfortable". Fuck that. I'd rather just say it how it is. Calms down my anxiety.

I also get how not many people are ready to face the unwanted memories and emotions. I get that. HOWEVER, you can't run away from it forever. It will blow up in your face, at some point in your life. I've been through it and I've also seen it. I can tell so many stories about this too. One I've already posted on here.

Look IF you are here, reading my blog hoping I tell you some bull shit comfortable nonsense... Then this is the wrong blog for you.

I do tell the truth and I know many people don't like it. I know I come across as blunt and sometimes rude. I get it.

People SOMETIMES want this light hearted blog and I'm not that person. I'm sorry, I'm just not. I know I share a lot of light hearted stuff and that's usually for me. I never knew it actually helped people... Go figure 🤣

I don't sugar shit. My mother taught me because she lied a lot and made people feel "comfortable". Hearing what they want to hear. I'm NOT here for that nor do I have the time for that. I also grew up with an adopted dad who was in the military... So he did not and I mean DID NOT "beat it around the bush". I get a lot of my bluntness from him.

I get that healing hurts. I understand because I'm going through it myself. I get it.

You want to block me, that's fine.

Again, having those unwanted memories, unwanted feelings and having to deal with it later in life. Yeahh, it's gonna hurt. I get that not many people are ready because they don't want to deal with the unwanted emotions and memories. I get it. That shit hurts.

IF you're thinking "I don't want to deal with unwanted memories and emotions because it hurts". Well... Because it does. Again, why sugar coat it? Why?

Why sugar coat that "healing dOesNt hurt"? I don't get it. I don't understand that mindset. I just don't. Healing DOES hurt and I wish people would be more open, honest and 100% raw with themselves.

I get it that I'm in the later stages of healing and that's okay. We all take our time to heal, it took me over a decade for me to heal and I'm still on that journey. Still learning and still growing. We don't ever stop growing and we don't stop evolving. Why do you think, when we get older, we get wrinkles? We don't just stop, we continue to grow.

So yeah, my point is. Unwanted memories and emotions... of course it's gonna hurt.

My advice, be patient with yourself and be kind to yourself. Healing is hard work and no one can heal for you. YOU want to heal? Then YOU will have to put in the work. No one and I mean NO ONE can do this for you.

Always be patient with yourself. Healing is gonna take time.

[the-jesus-pill]

You’ve got to forgive yourself for being traumatized and needing to learn how to function again. 

Recovery isn’t always nightmares and depression, it’s forgetting to eat, being scared of what others might see as completely normal things, it’s getting random panic attacks, not knowing how to take care of yourself, not knowing how to live like an adult, even if you’re twenty, thirty, forty, fifty, of feeling like you’re failing to function in a world where everyone seems to have their shit together. 

If you need help, ask for it. Go to forums and ask for advice. Take advantage of community resources. Buy pre-sliced veggies and fruits, eat instant meals if you can’t cook for yourself today. Hire someone. Ask a neighbor for a favor. Buy any item you think might make life easier, even if you feel like you aren’t ‘disabled’ enough to have it. 

Some of the depression posts (ie open your windows, take a shower, go outside, call a friend) are really helpful but they’re not always enough. I’ve found advice for spoonies, people with chronic pain or other disabilities have the best tips because they know what it’s like to be bedridden, out of energy, stuck in a brain fog. 

You may never return back to the energy you had when you were younger and you might always need to use crutches to help you through life. It’s the same with medication. 

Trauma is a real thing that happens to you, it physically alters your brain and it’s alright to have lasting scars. 

You’re not broken, your life is not over and you can still be happy. 

It’s not your fault.

[valeriehalla]

more random materials from CURSE/KISS/CUTE, upcoming queer nature-themed monster-liker web novel which is (actually) almost ready to launch, and WON’T!!!! get me banned from tumblr to continue showing off (Prayer)

[hyunpic]

240819 hynjinnnn instagram live [*the mark on his arm is from manual therapy]