#he has squidward voice

[selliho6530]

Billions must die, this is the type of father in cartoons who is constantly in the same face position for almost the entire cartoon, it seems as if he is always disappointed in his children(it already depends on you whether this is really the case or not), but at the end of the cartoon he will definitely smile at least a little to say "I'm proud of you", he wears muted shirts, loves cats, although he tells the others the opposite, and in his teenage years he had his own emo phase...

[leporidaecervinae]

I have found 2 problems with writing ahead for a longfic. 1 is that I start off easily 5 chapters ahead and by the fifth chapter I am suddenly 3 chapters ahead and then at some point I will be no chapters ahead. The 2nd issue is that I have written ahead at all, so that *I* am much more invested in the characters than the readers 😭 because I have seen more scenes than exists for other people.

Anyway totally not related but here's a scene from Goodnight Loving that I'm particularly proud of.

[flippedorbit]

no one look at me i know too much about squids

[paeinovis]

I've been on like . A kick about SpongeBob bc the production process - especially the voice acting - is so interesting to me jndkdnfj

I'm v obsessed w how much the voice actors love their characters and their co-characters

[taviokapudding]

Around 4:40am my brain just said

"Lord Commander Chaos in a Kaeya Alberich's Captain fit but purple and gold"

Then I looked up reference pics of Kaeya and that one post Connor did comparing his face to the model and proceeded to black out for an hour & did this:

The pose I'm plqnning to pull inspiration from is the TWST Halloween Vil groovy card, when he's dressed as a vampire & the perspective does emphasis on the boots because Commander's boots are so fucking cool- also I'm gonna change the fur to something for ocean-y themed. When I'm further along you'll see the brain rot I got but for now- enjoy the nicest face I've drawn so far

[heavyhitterheaux]

Daughter (Slight NSFW)

They keep sayin' that I ain't nothin' like my father

But I'm the furthest thing from choir boys and altars

If you cross me, I'm just like my father

I am colder than Titanic water

Synopsis: You and Joe's relationship is fairly new, and you are taken by surprise when a pregnancy test comes up positive. However, your boyfriend's reaction was the opposite of what you expected. Especially when he has just signed his five year contract extension which is now the highest in the NFL

Pairing: Boyfriend!Joe Burrow x Girlfriend!Reader

Requested by: a beautiful anon 😘

Do not engage if you are underage

Please Do Not Repost My Content Anywhere

Soft kisses being placed across your shoulder blade had pulled you out of a deep sleep and you noticed that the sun was barely making itself known as you wrapped the comforter tighter around you to keep in all of the warmth that you possibly could.

You shut your eyes once more, but then you suddenly heard his voice.

“Baby doll, you awake?” You heard your boyfriend ask you as you felt his fingertips now dancing across your skin.

You opened your eyes and once again had to adjust to the light before answering him.

“I am now.” You quietly said as you heard him laugh.

“Good, turn around so I can see your pretty face.”

Moving your body from facing one side to the other, Joe's face came into view who gave you a sleepy grin when he finally laid his eyes on you.

“A sight I never get tired of waking up to.” As soon as those words left his mouth, you gave him the biggest eye roll possible which made him erupt with laughter once more.

“Joey, I look like a hot ass mess. It's okay though so there's no need to lie to me. We are building this relationship on a foundation of trust.”

“I'm not lying. My girlfriend is gorgeous all the time.”

“Hmm, funny. My hair is literally sticking up all over my head because I once again forgot to pack my bonnet, I have bags under my eyes from not getting enough sleep, and…”

Joe simply cut you off by placing a soft kiss on your lips.

“You need to learn how to just take compliments and stop trying to defend them.” He told you and your response was a simple shrug.

“Maybe one day, but today is not that day. So as I was saying..” You began to speak, but Joe promptly cut you off.

“Wouldn't tell you that you're the prettiest girl I ever laid eyes on if it wasn't true.” He told you and you couldn't help but to finally give him a small smile.

“Is that a smile that I see?” He asked as you then scrunched your nose up at him.

“Hmph, not anymore.”

“I never thought I would meet my match when it comes to someone who acts more like Squidward than I do.”

“Patrick is my favorite though.”

“That's surprising for sure seeing as it doesn't seem that you would have a lot of patience to deal with him.” He said as he pulled you closer to him.

“I make exceptions sometimes. For example, I said yes to going out on a date with you.”

“BABY!”

“Just kidding, babe!” You told him as you pinched his cheek and he promptly rolled his eyes at you.

“And it didn't have to do with me being the hottest quarterback in the NFL?” He asked while smirking.

“No, you know that I could care less about that and what your job is. It just happens to be a plus and a perk of dating you.” You told him being completely honest.

It was quiet for a few seconds as the two of you stared at each other when you finally broke it.

“Are you excited for training camp?”

“Yes and no. Yes because I'm excited to get back out there of course and no because I'm not going to be able to spend as much time with you.”

The relationship was fairly new being months old and Joe wanted to spend as much time as possible with you before football took over once more. You were always excited for football season, but even more so now that you had a significant other that played in the NFL.

“Joey, it's your job so I understand. I'm so proud of you and want you to be focused so that you are able to do your absolute best. I'll still be here cheering you on. I promise.” You told him as you brushed a hand through his hair and kissed the tip of his nose.

“I can't wait to be able to look up in my suite at the stadium and see you in there.”

“I can't either. I haven't been to a Bengals game in a while.”

“Even though your dad is a season ticket holder?”

Your dad had been a season ticket holder since before you were born seeing as your grandfather passed it to him. Being a single father to you wasn’t easy in the slightest but the love of football was something that the two of you bonded over.

“Yes, even that. Ever since I became a chef and opened my restaurant, it's been a lot harder. I just have to find more people that I can trust to keep it up and running so that I'm able to come and see you play. That way I'll be able to give you my undivided attention and not have any worries lingering in the back of my mind.”

“You act as if Kendall can’t do it. She could literally run the restaurant blindfolded.” Joe responded as he was referring to your best friend that you had met in culinary school.

The two of you had met when Joe, Tee, Sam, and Ja'Marr wanted to try a new upscale restaurant in the middle of downtown Cincinnati during the beginning of the off season. It was near closing time when Ja'Marr had asked to meet the head chef; the head chef being you to give his compliments personally. Your eyes as well as Joe's had locked that night and the two of you had been infatuated with each other since. It honestly felt like a lifetime ago and not a few months.

“I know she can and I have to give her more credit. On the other hand, I've definitely been spoiled with it being the off-season and being able to spend as much time with you as I want with you also coming to see me at work.” You told him as he smiled.

As soon as you two had met, Joe would be at the restaurant a few times a week and eventually asked for your number one night. Of course you had told him yes and he found himself coming to visit if he wasn’t doing anything else. He always had a specific table that he sat at and would let you know when he was coming to see you so that they could reserve it for him. It was on the second level that looked out over the balcony.

“What time are you going in today?” He asked as he noticed that it was barely seven in the morning.

“I probably should have already left since it'll take me a little longer to get there.” You said as you made an attempt to get up, but Joe quickly pulled you back.

Your condo was closer to the restaurant and staying with Joe added close to another 25 minutes.

“Joeyyyy!”

“Can I have you for at least another hour or so? The restaurant doesn't even open until 4.”

“But I have to prep!”

“Babe, please?” He asked as he started to give you puppy dog eyes.

“No! Don’t you dare give me that look!” You scolded him and at the same time he laid you on your back as he climbed on top of you.

“Please?” He asked again as he gave you a light kiss on your lips and started placing a trail of kisses down your already bare body from the activities from the night before.

His fingers lightly brushed your folds and your hips bucked in response making a light chuckle escape from his lips.

“You sure you don't want to stay? Your body is telling me otherwise.” He asked as he inserted two fingers and slowly began moving them in and out of you.

“Baby…”

“Hmm, one round or two? Knowing you, you're going to tell me one and then change your mind when you remember how good I make you feel.”

Joe didn’t wait for you to answer him as he settled himself in between your legs and added his tongue to pleasure you without his fingers leaving your body.

In order to keep your legs spread and to also keep you from running from, he removed his fingers from you to keep a tight hold on both of your legs as his mouth continued to pleasure you.

“Shiiit, oh my gosh.” Was the only sentence that you could form as both of your hands found a way into his hair.

Joe was the first boyfriend that you ever had that actually took the time to pleasure you and always made sure you had multiple orgasms before he even had one. He had always told you that his favorite thing was to eat you out because of the way you taste. If it was honestly left up to him, he would stay between your legs for hours.

“Keep still, baby.” Joe told you as he then began to suck on your clit.

“How am I supposed to keep still when you do that!?” You exclaimed as he was still holding you in place. The vibration from his laugh was felt as he sucked harder.

“I'm… Oh FUCK!” You yelled and before you were able to get your entire sentence out, you squirted all over Joe's face as he continued sucking on your clit no matter how hard you tried to move away from him.

“Nope, where do you think you’re going?” He asked as he continued to eat you out.

“Give me at least one more and I'll think about letting you move.”

“You are such an ass!” You told him while playfully hitting his shoulder.

“Hmm, is that what you tell your boyfriend as he's eating you out and making you feel good?”

“Yes! Because he won’t let my legs go!”

“Hmm, so you can fall off this high ass bed? I think not. Come on baby doll, one more. My pretty baby can give me one more.”

Keeping him talking gave you a little bit of a break, but that soon went back out the window as he dove back in and gave you his undivided attention once more.

You were starting to squirm and tears were threatening to leave your eyes as another orgasm washed over you. Joe finally stopped to come up for air, but before he did he lightly placed kisses on both of your thighs before climbing back up your body and leaning down to kiss you.

“I knew you could do it. Such a good girl.”

“And you’re still an ass for that.”

“I’ll be that because later on in the day once you leave here and you’re thinking about me because I know it's going to happen. You'll think about me being between your thighs and then the first thing you’re going to do is tell me how wet that made you and how much you want me to make you cum over and over and over again.” He told you as he whispered against your lips before kissing them.

“Am I wrong?” He asked and you shook your head no as another smirk came across his face.

“But for now, I can settle for this.” He told you as he lined up with your entrance and then suddenly stopped.

“Babe?”

“I forgot to go to the store so I don’t have any more condoms. Shit, I forgot about that. But if you’re okay with it?” He asked, searching your eyes for approval.

“I’m okay with it. Gives me a chance to feel all of you.” You answered without skipping a beat.

“You sure you’re ready for that?” He asked while smirking.

“If I wasn’t sure then I wouldn’t have said yes to begin with.”

Nodding in approval, Joe slowly entered you until he bottomed out and you both moaned at the sensation. Feeling every bit of him was going to put you over the edge and the last thing on your mind was the fact that you would learn to regret it later.

—

Training camp was now coming to a close and pre-season games were due to start as you and Joe were on facetime. He had sent you a text earlier in the day saying that he had something he wanted to tell you later on when he got back home. The anticipation had been building all day and you were growing annoyed with him still keeping you in suspense.

“Babe, out with it already.” You told him as you were laying down with multiple pillows propped up underneath you. You hadn’t felt well for the past week and a half and simply blamed it on the stomach bug that you knew that had been going around. You had left Kendall in charge of everything while you stayed home to rest with her periodically checking on you.

“So, the final negotiation went well for my contract.” He started to say and you instantly smiled.

“Oh, that’s right because your rookie contract is over. I forgot that you had to do that this year. Do you feel that you’re happy with the decision that they came up with?” You asked as you took a sip of ginger ale.

“Definitely happy with the decision. Once it’s signed, It’ll be the biggest contract for a quarterback as well as in the history of the NFL.”

“Oh my gosh, that’s so exciting and you definitely deserve it. I see all the hard work that you’ve been putting in and it is definitely paying off. I’m not feeling all that great, but I promise to make you a celebratory dinner so that we can celebrate properly. I am literally so proud of you!”

“Thank you baby doll. Means a lot coming from you.”

“Always going to be here to support you as long as you want me.” You told him as he smiled.

“I want you for the long run, you already know this and besides you’re the celebrity in my eyes anyway. Who would have thought a celebrity chef would go out with little old me who just happens to be a quarterback in the NFL in his spare time?” He asked as you softly laughed. Any intense movement would instantly make your stomach hurt or make you want to throw up.

“You are too much sometimes and so incredibly dramatic.” You told him as you playfully rolled your eyes.

“You’ve literally known this since day one and it hasn’t been a problem so why start now?” He asked as you saw him prop up his phone and move around in the kitchen.

“I feel so bad that I can’t make you anything tonight.” You sadly said as Joe brushed you off, but a look of concern immediately spread across his face.

“Do you still not feel well? Babe, it’s been almost two weeks.”

“I know and I have a doctor’s appointment at the end of the week on Friday. Hopefully they’ll be able to tell me what’s going on because I am so miserable right now.

“Just let me know what they say. I’m going to actually sign the contract that day. So later that night, we can celebrate.”

“Yes, that’ll be the perfect day to make dinner for you. Do you have any special requests?” You curiously asked and Joe answered you without a second thought.

“Hmm, yeah. I’ll just have you for my dinner and my dessert.”

“Joeyyy, I meant actual food. You cannot just eat me out and think that is sufficient enough for you to survive.”

“Says who?” He asked as he took a drink out of the water bottle that he just opened.

“I have no idea what I’m going to do with you.” You told him as you were smiling at him.

“But on a serious note, do you need me to bring you anything? You definitely don’t look like your normal self.”

“I promise that I’m okay. I just have to ride it out and wait for it to pass, no big deal.”

“The minute something changes, you call me. Promise?”

“I promise. The last thing I want is for you to come around me and end up getting sick yourself. Stay away until I give you the all clear on Friday.”

“As hard as I know that will be, I have no choice so I guess I’ll listen to you. The last thing I need is to get sick right before the season starts.”

“Exactly. Have to keep you as healthy as possible.” You told him as you glanced at the clock in your room to see that it was around eight at night.

“I’m going to try and get some sleep since I literally have been puking my guts out every morning for a week and a half straight.” You told Joe who gave you a sympathetic look.

“Go ahead and go to sleep. Just leave your phone on facetime.”

“So you can be a creep and watch me sleep, Burrow?”

“I literally always watch you sleep when you stay with me so this is no different. You just aren’t next to me. I always do it to make sure you’re okay.”

“You are too sweet. One of the many things I love about you.”

“Hmm, so I’m melting that cold ass ice box of a heart you have? Is Y/N showing FEELINGS?!” He playfully teased you as you shook your head.

Joe knew from the beginning how independent you were and that you didn’t need a man to depend on for anything. You can give your father credit for raising you that way. You could fix things around the house, change a tire, change the oil in your car and that wasn’t even the tip of the iceberg. If there was something you wanted or needed, you would stop at nothing in order to make it happen. Even though you were infatuated with Joe ever since you laid eyes on him, you let him know upfront. One thing that Joe admired about you was your will to be independent. Although, he did want to spoil you from time to time.

“You’re slowly melting it, I think you’ve made it about 25%.”

“Only 25%?!?! Seriously?! You have got to give me more credit than that.”

“Hmm, maybe 35% because of how good you eat me out.”

“WHAT? That by itself should equal 1000%!” Joe exclaimed and you had gotten comfortable under the covers.

“Well you are melting it, so just be happy about that. You're the first one to do it in a very long time.”

“I am now close your eyes and go to sleep.”

“You promise to stay on the phone and make sure I’m okay?” You asked and a small smile spread across his face before nodding at you.

“I promise.”

Friday had finally come around and you were now on your way to Joe’s house to celebrate him signing his new contract. However, there was something now hanging over your head. You were uneasy because of the news that you had to share with him and honestly couldn’t believe it yourself.

You stayed in the parking lot at the doctor's office for an extra 45 minutes before you even thought about moving your car.

It wasn’t a simple stomach bug that you had been dealing with for two weeks, it was an entire human being growing inside of you and them trying to make you aware of their presence. The signs had all been there and it wasn’t until your doctor wanted you to do a pregnancy test that the dots were finally starting to connect.

Your period was late and it had never been late in your entire life

Your boobs were sore

Just about everything made you nauseous and being a chef hadn't been working out for you for these past two weeks

You would throw up every morning like clockwork and then be fine for the rest of the day

The looks of shock and disbelief hadn’t left your face since you had departed from your doctor’s appointment and your mind was racing a mile a minute. The relationship between you and Joe had barely gotten off of the ground and the last thing that you wanted to add to that was an entire child that you had no idea if he would even want.

But you had to be honest with him.

For the short time that you had known him, Joe was an amazing person that you saw being in your life for the long run and he was one person that you wouldn’t mind fathering your kids because you knew that he cared about your well-being so you could imagine that he would care about theirs too.

You figured that you had to tell him when you got there because if something was off, he immediately knew and could read you like a book. The hardest thing at the current moment was for you not to break down crying.

Joe asked for you to make a simple dish that you made all the time, chicken and broccoli alfredo. Except for him, you would substitute regular noodles for protein pasta so that he would meet his goal for the day. You had started to feel a little bit better yesterday so you had gone to the store and dropped the ingredients off at Joe’s house so you didn’t have to worry about bringing them with you after your doctor’s appointment.

Parking your car next to Joe’s Porsche, you placed your purse on your shoulder before getting out and making your way to the front door. Pulling out your key that he had given you, you opened it and quickly turned the knob before making your way inside.

Stepping across the threshold, it was quiet except for the television that you could hear in the living room and to no surprise it was playing Spongebob which you had to laugh at. That was one of the first things that you and Joe had bonded over.

As you walked further into the house and made your way into the living room, your boyfriend caught your eye as he was asleep on the couch and you assumed that he had been waiting for you. He looked peaceful and the last thing you wanted to do was disturb him so instead you placed a kiss on his forehead before setting your purse down and making your way into the kitchen to start on the dinner that he requested.

Not wanting to work in silence, you put one of your air pods in your ear and turned on your Kendrick Lamar playlist as you started to move around the kitchen. The decision to only put one in was to be able to hear Joe when he started to stir.

About twenty minutes later, dinner was already halfway done when you heard footsteps entering the kitchen. You turned around from the stove to be met with the sight of your sleepy boyfriend rubbing his eyes as he made his way over to you to place you in a hug and placed several kisses on both of your cheeks.

“Hi, sleepy head. About time you woke up.”

“How long have you been here?” He asked as he kissed you once more.

“Probably thirty minutes give or take. Luckily you chose something that was quick and easy. We probably have about fifteen more minutes. I just have to pour the sauce on the pasta and put the garlic bread in the oven.”

Joe nodded as he left his arms wrapped around you and you quickly squeezed him tighter, hoping that by the end of the night it wouldn’t be the last time that you got to do so.

“How did your appointment go?” He asked as he finally let you go so you could finish cooking.

“Um, not what I expected.” You quietly said as you had now turned around to face the stove leaving you facing away from him.

“Baby, is everything okay? You saying that has me worried.” Joe replied as he turned you around once more to face him.

“I… I just don’t know how you’re going to take this.”

“Take what? Are you sick? Whatever it is, we’ll get through it together, just tell me.” Joe told you as he held onto both of your hands.

Taking a deep breath, you blurted it out.

“It wasn’t a stomach bug like I thought, I’m pregnant.”

As soon as those words left your mouth, Joe’s hands immediately detached from yours.

“What do you mean you’re pregnant?”

“When you have sex multiple times without a condom, these things tend to happen.” You said trying to make light of the situation, but Joe did not look amused in the slightest.

It was quiet for a few minutes and it was you who had to break the silence.

“Joey?” You said and he sighed before pinching the bridge of his nose and responding to you.

“So, was this your plan all along? To trap me?” Joe asked you and the expression that appeared on your face was unreadable to him.

It took everything in you to not cuss him out right then and there.

“Hmm funny. You're the one who didn't bother to wear a condom the last few times we had sex. And I know that you cannot be serious.” Was your response as you crossed your arms over your chest.

“What's also funny is that you said you were okay with it. I obviously wouldn't have done it if you weren't. So it just so happens I signed the biggest contract for a quarterback in NFL history and suddenly my girlfriend of four months is now pregnant? And I am being fucking serious.”

“Are you calling me a gold digger? Because that's what it sounds like.”

“You said it, not me.” He told you as he held his hands up in defense.

“What do I need your money for when I have my own? You act like I don’t even have a career. Did you forget that I own my own restaurant?”

“You obviously don't have nearly as much as I do.”

“You are literally unbelievable right now. You're acting as if this is entirely my fault when it was both of us.” You exclaimed and he continued to look at you with a straight face.

“I'm at the height of my career and the last thing I need is a kid with someone I barely even know.”

Your heart dropped hearing how he talked about you, but especially that last statement and did your best to keep a straight face when in reality hearing something like that would probably make tears fall from your eyes.

The thought that he would be surprised, but also supportive of you had now gone out of the window.

“Well it's a good thing that this relationship is no more isn't it? So you won't have to worry about it anymore.” You said to Joe as you made your way to the living room and took the key to his house off of your keychain and handed it to him while you threw your purse over your shoulder.

He watched as you walked away from him and started to open the front door when you turned back to look at him.

“Remember everything that you said to me because I know it's going to come back to haunt you and you'll end up regretting it. And by the type of person I am, you know that I do not forgive easily or at all.”

“I highly doubt that.”

Hearing his reply, you had to laugh to yourself because at this point in time you knew that he would come crawling back to you sooner or later. His conscience would eat away at him and he would start to feel guilty. Even if you had only known him for a matter of months, deep down he was a good person that always tried to do right by others although he wasn’t displaying that now towards you.

“Just remember I told you so. I never needed you before and I sure as hell won't need you in the future. The difference was that I wanted you simply for you and not your money. Good luck finding someone who valued you as much as I did.”

Slamming the door behind you, once you got into your car and put on your seatbelt, you picked up your phone that you had thrown on the passenger seat and proceeded to block Joe's number.

If he didn't want to be in your child's life, the last thing you were about to do was beg. You made it up in your mind that the two of you were going to be fine with or without him.

The regret of it all was going to hit him like a ton of bricks.

—

A month and a half had gone by and you put all of your focus and energy into the restaurant and spent time reading pregnancy books that were highly recommended especially for first time mothers.

Reading what was currently going on in your body had you scared shitless, but you were determined to make it through this one step at a time. Only person that you could depend on now was yourself.

After blocking Joe’s number, you had also blocked him on all of your social media accounts wanting absolutely nothing to do with him. You went as far as also blocking Ja’Marr, Tee, Sam, and Andrei who would frequently come with him to your restaurant wanting no ties to anyone associated with him.

Plenty of people at the restaurant asked where Joe was, but you couldn't bring yourself to tell them that you had unfortunately broken up, especially one of your favorite hostesses Blanca. She had been obsessed with you and Joe and thought that the two of you looked good together.

I mean from your perspective, the two of you definitely weren't together anymore although when you had originally said it, Joe didn't even bother to react. Because you hadn't told them anything, they always kept his table open unless you told them otherwise. One of these days you were going to get around to banning him completely even if that did seem a little extreme. But on the other hand, he had hurt you and that particular reason was enough.

It was getting harder to hide the bump that was now as obvious as it gets and getting a larger size in a chef uniform every single time your belly grew was getting annoying. So you opted to actually wear sweatshirts as long as it wasn't too hot in the kitchen. If it did get hot, you made sure to have an extra large shirt underneath which left people a little confused but attributed it to simply being your comfort level.

The morning sickness was at an all time high today even though you were well past the time frame of still having it. You made a note in the back of your mind to say something at your next doctor’s appointment. Because of this, the ultimate decision was made for you to stay home, but promised your dad nonetheless that you would make dinner for him since he had gotten a promotion at his job. You wanted to celebrate him properly since you knew how hard he had worked for it.

The food was almost done as you heard the doorbell ring and smiled to yourself because you were excited to be able to finally catch up with your dad. Once you wiped your hands on your apron and walked to the front door to open it, you were caught off guard with your dad placing you in a bone crushing hug with you tightly hugging him back. You knew you had to tell him before the night was over. Once again you were wearing a baggy shirt that hid how big your belly had actually gotten.

“Daddy!” You exclaimed as your eyes met his.

“Hey, pumpkin!”

Once he placed you back on the ground, you moved to the side in order for him to be able to get through the front door. Once you did he followed you into the kitchen and took a seat at the island.

“So, when are you moving into your corner office?” You asked as you poured a glass of red wine and placed it in front of him. It was your favorite brand and it was hard for you to not also pour a glass for yourself.

“On Monday but I already moved a few things over. It's amazing how much you can accumulate over the years.” Your dad answered, but you lowkey knew that he was a hoarder. But being a single dad, you couldn't blame him. Everything little thing counted.

“I am literally so proud of you but it sounds like you could stand to do a little deep cleaning.” Every time you went over to his house, you made it a mission to throw something away without him noticing. So far you had been successful, doing it since you had turned eighteen.

“I never know when I might need something from my stash so I have to be prepared. I told you that hard work pays off but you're definitely no stranger to that. How's the restaurant doing?” He asked as he took a sip.

“Really good. I'm working on debuting our updated Fall menu in the next week or so. The main one already came out.”

“Please tell me you're bringing back the cinnamon apple spice rolls.”

“Of course I am since I know that they're your favorite.”

It took a minute, but your dad caught onto you not drinking any wine and he knew that particular brand that you had given him was your favorite making him look at you in confusion.

“You're not going to get a glass for yourself? Oh, how's Joe by the way? I feel like it's been a minute since you mentioned him. Let me know which Sunday you're free so we can go to a game together.”

“No wine for me tonight and I actually wouldn't know how he's doing because we aren't together anymore.”

“What? Since when? I thought you really liked him. And that's saying something because you hardly like anyone.”

Taking a deep sigh, you turned back to your dad and he could tell by the expression on your face that something was wrong.

“I'm pregnant and Joe wants nothing to do with the baby. After I told him we got into an argument about it, I left his house and immediately blocked him.”

Your father looked at you in disbelief before any words left his mouth.

“What? How could…?”

“He thought it was really interesting how I turned up pregnant when he had just signed his new contract. We got into an argument, he called me a gold digger and I left. Blocked his number as soon as I slammed the door behind me. Gave him back his house key too.”

“Pumpkin…”

“Dad, no. I'm doing this by myself and we're going to be fine.” You told him since you knew the first thing he was going to do was worry himself over it.

“I didn't want this for you. Single parent life. I was hoping that you would get married to someone who loved you for you before you had children.”

“It didn't quite work out that way, but like I said it'll be fine.”

“I need to talk to him so he can get some sense knocked into him. You mean to tell me he had no problem not wearing a condom, but runs for the hills the second you come up pregnant? Really?” You knew your dad was going to protect you at all costs and knew that you had to keep him as far away from Joe as possible.

“No you don't. I don't need him and my baby doesn't need him either. He made his choice and he has to be the one to deal with it.”

“Whatever decision you make, I'm going to support you 100%.”

“Thanks, dad. I appreciate you saying that.” You told him as you set his plate in front of him.

“It's been us against the world since you were born so this isn’t any different. That baby will grow up in a household full of love and won't even notice that someone is missing from their life because they aren't going to want for anything.”

Your mom had literally snuck out of the hospital without being discharged hours after you were born leaving you in a bassinet in her designated hospital room where she was supposed to be recovering. She had left while your dad had stepped out to get her some food since she didn't like the food that they served in the hospital.

No one had seen her since.

Over the years you noticed that your dad wouldn't really talk about her so the most that you knew was her name. There was never a desire to find her since you had it in your mind that she didn't want anything to do with you and those feelings are reciprocated right back towards her.

When your dad had gotten back to the hospital, everyone was frantic and she had never given any inkling that she didn't want to keep you so he was just as confused as everyone else. From that moment forward, your dad made it up in his mind to give you the best life possible and to keep her away from you.

“You taught me not to depend on a man for anything. Or anyone else for that matter.”

“Pumpkin, this situation is a little different…”

“No, it isn't. If he doesn't want to take care of his responsibilities then so be it.”

Hearing your dad sigh as he stabbed his fork into his mashed potatoes, he nodded his head at you.

“So, have we decided on any names yet?”

“Not yet, but I have a very strong feeling that the baby is a girl.”

—

It was a dreary day in Cincinnati when practice had come to a close for the Bengals and Joe was walking back towards the locker room in order to get ready for his presser when Ja’Marr stopped him and pulled him to the side.

“Bro, what is wrong with you? And don’t you dare stand up here and lie to me. I know when something is off with my best friend.”

Ja’Marr had noticed despite Joe’s efforts to remain his nonchalant self, something was eating away at him. He noticed in the pre-season and just assumed he was trying to get back in the groove of things, but as time went on he felt that something was off and wasn’t getting better.

“Nothing is wrong.”

“Bullshit and I’m about to call your mom if you keep lying. I’m due for a bowl of snickers salad anyway.”

Taking a deep sigh, Joe threw his helmet down on the ground before responding which left Ja’Marr a little confused.

“Uh?”

“Y/N is pregnant.”

“Oh! Congratulations. Is that why you’re so damn stressed? I mean I get it. When my girlfriend told me she was pregnant, I think I went into shock for a few days.” He told him as he picked up his helmet for him and he tried to continue walking before Joe pulled him back.

“That’s not all.”

“Oh…”

“She told me this about two months ago when she had been feeling sick for about two weeks and I told her to make a doctor’s appointment. It just so happened to be on the day that I signed my new contract when she told me about her being pregnant. In not so many words, I dismissed her and dismissed the thought of her being pregnant seeing as we had only been together for four months at the time.”

“But, you apologized though, right? I’m trying to go to her restaurant on Sunday after we win. Been a while since I’ve seen her. I get that you were caught off guard by it but I mean the way that you were talking, yall were fucking morning, noon, and night. So, are you surprised?”

“Didn’t apologize, instead I accused her of being a gold digger and she broke up with me and for good reason. I said some not so nice things to her when she obviously came to me scared shitless.”

“Damn, okay. We can fix this. Just have to apologize to her and…”

“Knowing how she is, she is not going to let me anywhere near her or the baby because of how I reacted. Like, she is a person who protects herself and her well-being, as soon as she feels something is off, she cuts you out of her life without a second thought. Her boyfriends have called her cold hearted in the past, but fail to mention how they failed her as boyfriends eventually making her the way she is.”

“Okay, back up for a second. Do you want to be in this baby’s life or not? Because the Joe I know would.”

“I do now that I sat down and thought about everything that went down. I feel so bad about how I talked to her, but when I tried to call her like a day later, I found out she blocked me. But also went as far as blocking me on every social media page she has. I literally cannot find a trace of her and it’s like she doesn’t even exist.”

“Uh? She has an entire restaurant that you can go to? And a house? Go there and talk to her.”

“For her to kick me out? I can imagine that she’s told her best friend Kendall by now as well as her dad who I know probably wants to kill me. He’s a season ticket holder so I know that it’s only a matter of time before he shows up to a game and beats my face in.”

“Okay let me see real quick.” Ja’Marr said as they had finally made it back into the locker room. He went and unlocked his phone and noticed that you had done the same thing as you had done to Joe.

“Shit…”

“What?”

“She blocked me too. I was going to see if I could convince her to talk to you, but now that plan has gone out the window.” He said to Joe as he scratched the top of his head.

“I just need to make this right somehow, someway.”

“Like I said, go to the restaurant and talk to her. The worst thing that she could possibly do is say she doesn’t want to talk to you. If she does, we’ll figure out next steps from there so you can be in this baby’s life. I got your back, bro despite how fucking stupid you reacted to this entire situation. She didn’t get pregnant by herself. We’re going to fix this. Y/N cares about you too much.”

“I think the ship of her wanting anything to do with me sailed away a long time ago.”

After his presser and the day had finally come to a close, Joe got into his car and was on his way home until he started to go in the other direction. He figured that his parents would also be able to help him through this.

To Athens it was.

Majority of the drive was done in silence in order for him to be able to think about what his next steps would be regarding you and the baby. He definitely didn’t want to be seen as a deadbeat father. He wanted a chance for his child to grow up with both parents even though they probably won’t be under the same roof. Walking away would weigh so heavily on his conscience and he knew for a fact that he couldn’t go about his daily life not knowing if you as well as his child was okay.

By the time he reached his parents house, it was around 6 in the evening and saw that both of their cars were in the driveway which he was happy about. That way he wouldn’t have to re[eat the entire story to both of them separately.

Once he reached the front door and opened it, he walked in to see both of his parents sitting in the living room and they looked up at him surprised.

“Didn't think we’d be seeing you until Sunday.” His dad said as he got up to greet him, while Robin was busy analyzing him. She could tell that something was off.

“You would not drive all the way here unless something is wrong so start talking.” She told him after she hugged him.

“Hmm, you didn't waste any time. Who said something had to be wrong?”

“Because we know our child like the back of our hand.” Jim responded as Robin nodded.

“Can I at least eat something first before I get interrogated?” Joe asked and a small smirk appeared on Robin's face.

“We can do it at the same time and lucky for you, the food should be done.” She said to him as she made her way into the kitchen with Joe and Jim walking behind her.

Once everyone was settled at the table, a thought concerning you popped into Robin's head and she made it a point to ask about you.

“How’s Y/N? You haven't mentioned her lately. When are we going to meet her? I was hoping she would be there on Sunday.”

That was when Joe put his fork down on the table.

“I… We broke up at least I think we did and it's entirely my fault and I don't think she's going to forgive me.”

“I'm sure you two can talk it out. You're adults and from the way you talk about her we know she's important to you.” Jim told him and Robin quickly agreed.

It was quiet for a few seconds before Joe laid everything out in one breath.

“She told me she was pregnant the day I signed my contract and I accused her of being a gold digger and we got into an argument and she definitely said that I would regret the way that I had talked to her so here we are.” Joe muttered and both of his parents looked at him in disbelief.

“Joseph….”

“I know how bad it sounds and I was an asshole to her.”

“When's the last time you talked to her?”

“That was it and I haven't talked to her since. She's blocked me on everything and I don't know what to do. When I say how everything went down out loud, I feel bad all over again.”

Jim and Robin sat in silence as they had a conversation with one another only with their eyes.

“We raised you better than this.”

“I know.”

“If you had your suspicions about it, a DNA test could have been performed when they were born. Calling her a gold digger wasn't needed.”

“I know, I already feel bad enough. But I highly doubt that she is going to forgive me.”

“Well from the way you talked to her, do you think that you deserve forgiveness?” Jim responded as Joe took a deep breath and sighed.

“Probably not if I'm being honest.” He quietly said.

“I don't know what you need to do but you better make this right so I can see my future grand baby.” Robin told him as she still had a look of disbelief on her face and pointed her fork in his direction.

—

After the game on Sunday as well as the press conference, Joe was once again sitting in his car and debating if he should go to the restaurant and talk to you. Since it was a night game that was played, he knew that the restaurant wouldn’t close until 2 am and the closer it got to closing time, the less busy you would be.

His mother had been asking him every day since he confessed what he did if he had talked to you and knew for a fact that she was growing extremely annoyed with him since the answer was always no.

By the time he had reached the restaurant, it was approaching one in the morning. He parked and made his way inside only to be greeted by his favorite hostess Blanca. What caught him off guard was her giving him death glares. Blanca had only overheard what he had done from overhearing Kendall and you talking, but it was enough for her to start to not like him.

“Blanca.”

“We’re closed, Burrow.”

“Uh? You don’t close for another hour….” He trailed off and he looked down at his watch in confusion making sure that he had the time right.

“What do you want?” She asked him as she took out a nail file and began to work on her left hand.

“To see Y/N, I need to talk to her.”

“Funny seeing you here now seeing as you haven’t been around for about two months. Word on the street is that the two of you broke up and it was your fault and seeing as Y/N employs me and cannot do any wrong in my eyes, whatever I heard that you did, you definitely did it.” She quietly said as she held up her hand to examine it.

“Blanca…. I really need to talk to her and I’m not explaining myself to you. It’s between me and her, not me, her, and you.” Joe explained, but all she did was roll her eyes.

“Seeing as you have to get past me in order to get to your table, that she should have removed your name from by the way, what’s in it for me? Y/N is an amazing person and you hurt her.”

“And I’m trying to make this right and I’m going to need you to move in order for me to be able to do that.” He told her as he pulled out two crisp 100 dollar bills and she analyzed them for a second.

“Don’t act like you don’t want it. This is what’s in it for you if you let me see her.” He said as he made a move to grab it, but he quickly moved his hand until she agreed.

“Y/N is going to kill me, but fine. Come on.” She told him as she led him to his table.

Once he reached the balcony, it was a clear crisp night where you could see all of the stars in the sky. It was just the right temperature which he was thankful for because the last thing he wanted to happen was for other people to overhear their conversation if he had been forced to stay inside. When he sat down at the table, Blanca made a motion for Joe to give her the money and she quickly snatched it out of his hand.

“I’m always loyal to Y/N, but I can be bribed once in a while. Did you want to order something? I can send a waitress over?”

“No, that’s okay. I just want to see Y/N.”

“Wait until you see her belly. Anyway, there aren’t a lot of guests at the moment so she should be able to step away. I’ll go and get her for you.” She said as she attempted to give him a weak smile making note of how defeated he looked by the entire situation.

As soon as you walked out onto the balcony, the last person that you ever expected to see was sitting at the table that was the furthest from the doorway and tried to turn around to go back into the restaurant, but he saw you and quickly ran over to you and grabbed your hand which you quickly snatched away from him.

“Wait, Y/N. I just want to talk. Just… please.”

“I’m busy.”

“But the restaurant is about to close, I figured that this would be the best time for me to come and try to talk to you.”

“Remind me when this conversation is over to ban you from my restaurant. Actually let's just include everyone who works for the Cincinnati Bengals organization past and present.”

“I… deserve that.” He told you as he glanced down at your protruding belly. Blanca wasn’t lying.

“That isn't even the tip of the iceberg of what you deserve.”

“Look you blocked me on literally everything and you not only blocked me but my friends too so this was the only way I knew I would be able to talk to you.”

“But why? Why do you want to talk to me? I'm a gold digger who was only with you for your money, remember?”

“I said some not so nice things to you and I need to apologize for them.”

“I don't want your fucking apology. I heard you loud and clear the first time and you obviously meant what you said so stand by it.”

“Y/N, please. I want to make this right so I can raise this child with you. I was an asshole and I knew the risks of you possibly getting pregnant, but I didn’t care which was not right at all. Just meet me halfway here.”

“Didn't I tell you that you were going to regret how you spoke to me? And then you said that you highly doubted it?”

“Yes and I ended up regretting it just like you said. And I told my parents about you.”

“For what? So they can harass me too? Tell me that I trapped their son? Because you know the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.”

“No! They're the ones who encouraged me to try to talk to you right along with Ja’Marr. They want to meet you. My mom actually lowkey threatened me if I’m being honest.”

“I don't think you actually realize how bad you hurt me. It has been years since I was that vulnerable with someone and you just let me know that you didn't care about me at all in a matter of five minutes when I originally told you.”

“I do care about you!”

“Really? Because I recall you saying something about having a baby by someone you hardly even knew. Acting as if I was a complete stranger to you and the four months that we actually did spend together didn’t matter.”

“Okay, Y/N, I'm trying to move forward but how can we do that if all you're doing is reminding me of what I said? I know I fucked up, but I'm trying to make this right.” Joe said as he was trying to keep his voice down seeing as the entrance door to the inside of the restaurant was still open.

“Or is this because you think I'll expose you to the media and say that you're a deadbeat dad? Beloved Bengals quarterback Joe Burrow is amazing on the field and always takes the opportunity to talk to his fans. However, ignores the child that he made with his ex-girlfriend off the field.” You questioned him as you glanced down at your watch to see what time it was.

“It seems like I can't win with you no matter what I try to say or do.”

“Keep in mind that we're having this conversation because of something you did. I was simply going to let you keep living your life and not bother you. I wasn’t even going to bother you for child support. But now, look who came crawling back just like I said he would?”

You were throwing punches left and right towards Joe, making his head spin. He knew before coming here that it probably wasn’t going to be the smoothest conversation, but he did not expect anything like this.

“Can we please just call a truce? I don't want to fight with you and I can imagine that it isn't good for the baby either. I will do absolutely anything that you need me to do to be able to support you through the rest of this pregnancy. You have my word on that. Have you found out if it's a boy or a girl?” He asked and you sighed as you rolled your eyes knowing that he was right.

Being stubborn and hard headed would only be able to get you so far in life. Deep down, you didn’t want to have to do this alone, but since that was the situation you were presented with, you were simply going to grin and bear it.

I was quiet for a little while until you moved to sit down at Joe's table with him sitting across from you not wanting to push his luck.

“No, Kendall is the only one that knows. And I guess you’re right about calling a truce.” You told him as you finally gave in because this conversation was going absolutely nowhere.

“I really am sorry about what I said and how I acted towards you.”

“It happened and we can’t do anything about it now. I also hope you know that I still stand by this relationship being over. Just because I forgave one thing you did doesn't mean that things can go back to being the way they were.”

“I get it and I have to respect your decision.”

“Maybe in the future, but not now.” You quietly said while Joe nodded.

Since your back was facing the doorway, Joe looked up and noticed your best friend Kendall who was a chef as well peeking her head out to look at both of you. He assumed that Blanca had told her that he was here and sent her up to be a mediator if need be.

“You two good up here?” She asked as she made her way to the table. She also sent a death glare to Joe, but that quickly went out the window once she heard your voice.

“We’re fine, no need to worry.”

“I actually had a surprise for you and now because Joe is here, it’ll make it that much better. Let me go get it.”

“What in the world are you up to?” You asked her as she shook her head indicating that she wasn’t telling you and made her way back inside of the restaurant.

Once she returned, there was a white cake with pink and blue sprinkles being held by her and she placed it down in the middle of the table between both of you.

“Kendall, what’s this? My birthday is not for another two months and you know that?” You asked and she smiled back at you.

“Well, I knew you wanted something kind of lowkey for a gender reveal and my plan was to do it after we had closed the restaurant for the night. Since you literally text me everyday to tell you what the gender is even though after you send it, you quickly backtrack and say that you don’t want to know anymore. So, the cake will let you know if it’s a boy or a girl when you cut into it.” She explained as she handed you the knife.

“I don’t know if I want to know yet!” You exclaimed and Kendall immediately shook her head.

“No, absolutely not. We are not doing this for the remainder of your pregnancy. Cut it and cut it now. You are not going to be bothering me every day about this. Besides, baby daddy wants to know, don’t you Joe?”

“Um, yeah.” He quietly answered but also not trying to cause any more tension.

You rolled your eyes as you placed the knife onto the cake and gently pushed down. Once you separated the slice from the remainder of the cake, both your eyes went wide along with Joe’s as all three of you were now staring at a pink cake.

“I’ll finally be able to be the mother that someone deserves.”

One year later

You opened the door to your daughter’s room and peeked into her crib to see her wide awake and looking at you.

“Good morning, Amora. Are you excited to see daddy play in the first home game of the season? We get to sit up in the big suite with grandma and both of our grandpas and you have the cutest outfit that he bought you to wear for today.” You asked as you picked her up and cradled her to your chest.

All you got was a series of spit bubbles and a smile in response.

“I’m going to take that as a yes seeing as soon as I said daddy I got a smile.” You told her as you tickled her small belly now making a laugh escape.

You were caught off guard as you felt arms wrap around you from behind and Joe leaned to the side to be able to kiss your cheek.

“Good morning baby doll.” He told you as he held out his hands to take Amora from you.

“I didn’t even hear you come in. How long have you been awake?” You asked and he shrugged.

“Not long, maybe fifteen minutes.” He replied and you nodded as you went to get her outfit out of her dresser and begin to pack her diaper bag.

“And good morning my princess.” He told her as he kissed both of her cheeks.

“You get prettier every day just like your mom.”

“Stop trying to butter me up, Burrow.” You told him while laughing and getting more diapers from the bottom drawer of her changing table.

“Not buttering you up, just telling the truth. I mean look how gorgeous this kid is. We should make another one.” He replied as he began to play with her.

Hearing this, you stopped what you were doing and looked at him in disbelief as Joe smirked.

“She is literally only four months old, slow your roll.” Your body was nowhere near healed from giving birth to Amora and the thought of having another one so soon was the furthest from your mind.

“Nothing wrong with planning for the future.” He replied as he was now holding Amora with one arm and turned your face with his other hand to face him as he leaned down to kiss you.

“Fine, but I have terms and conditions.”

“Name them and it’ll be done.”

“A ring needs to be on my finger before I even consider having another one.” You told him and a smile instantly broke out across his face as he leaned down to kiss you once more.

“Is that it? But, who’s to say that I don’t already have it?”

[illusioncanthurtme--art]

🔺Link to my Patreon!🔺

OH GOD I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO WRITE IN THIS DESCRIPTION

TO GET TO THE POINT - this is like a trial run to see who would be interested in supporting me this way! I have a lot of drawing and writing ideas, which contain scenes I'd only ever be comfortable putting on patreon. I desperately want to keep drawing stuff like this for my patrons, but I also don't want to write and illustrate a graphic novella full of billford sexcapades and have it only hit the eyeballs of three people. I would be really sad. If I feel like I have enough people seeing my patreon stuff after this, I'll make more!

To clarify: that thing I drew of ford fucking bill is on my patreon right now for early access, I'll share it here in maybe a week or so. To sweeten the deal, The other drawing will only ever be on my patreon! Currently it has two likes and no comments and I REALLY WANT PEOPLE TO SEE IT!!

ANOTHER clarification: I will be drawing SOMEWHAT nsfw things for my $5 tier. As of right now, I'm not drawing anything explicit. No nudity below the waist, basically. I'm drawing what I'm comfortable with, but hey, that could change with time! I'm getting my sea legs. (I will probably draw bills void-ussy at some point though. What? He's a triangle, who cares)

I think that's all I have to say... anyway, *squidward voice* spare change ma'am (here's another link to my patreon)

[dipperscavern]

cregan fr the type to not be able to look at u when u do things when the relationship is new bc he literally would have to kiss the fuck out of u or get completely lost in thought (yk the tiktork trend that’s like the voice fading into “blah blah blah” & not being able to focus that’s so cregan) so ur not used to his full attention and now that he gives it to u ALL THE DAMN TIME. u dont know what to do when his entire presence is literally attuned to u and ur every move. always has a hand on u. EYE CONTACCTTT. casual touches of like, adjusting your collar to make sure ur fur will reach up to ur jawline or putting ur hands in ur gloves or fully putting his hands on ur hips to steer u in the right direction before a single hand on the lower back replaces them to guide u. like i literally. im that squidward meme where he’s holding up the papers with the insane grin. i need him. biblically. refuses to sleep without u. refuses to work late bc he knows ur in bed. comfy cozy. without him?? simply unacceptable. gets back to ur chambers and just strips before crawling into bed in record time, pulling u into him and just letting out the craziest sigh, relaxed. oh my god imagine playing w his hair😫 i know his leg would fuckjng twitch if u hit the spot like right above the ear lord when will it be my turn DAMN this was crazy sorry dippy

babe. you can’t just. i can’t write anything for y’all if you make my brain short circuit. i don’t even… have anything to add to this its is all PERFECT. ITS CANON. DO NOT STOP SPEAKING.

cregan not being able to focus is so real. you’re talking to him about something and man is not even blinking. his eyes flicker from yours to your lips, back to your eyes then your lips again. and he’s staring at you with this smirk on his face and you’re just like

“And I-. Do you hear me, Cregan?”

and he just leans in, kissing you long & hard. makes your eyes flutter shut, and he gives you another peck before pulling away.

“Aye. Go on.”

HIS ATTENTION IS ALWAYS ON YOU. HES ATTUNED TO YOUR EVERY MOVE. CASUAL TOUCHES. FIXING THE FUR TO COVER YOUR JAWLINE. GODDD. HE DOES REFUSE TO SLEEP WITHOUT YOU. AND THE HAIR THING. MAN JUST LEANS INTO YOU.

do not ever apologize for your DELICIOUS thoughts. i want more. GOD. IM SUPPOSED TO BE FEEDING YALL AND HERE YOU ARE FEEDING ME… I HEARBY DECREE THEE SQUIDWARD ANON

[jesncin]

"Constantine: Distorted Illusions" Sure Did Distort My Illusions

When it comes to transformative art I always say, "changes are fine, it's what you say and do with those changes that I'm interested in." This is cape media, they're always reimagining things to tell new stories. So any notion of "accuracy" feels like non-starter arguments for me when discussing a text as nebulous as cape comics. That being said, what does cursed YA graphic novel "Constantine: Distorted Illusions" do with the many changes it makes to Hellblazer lore? Because I'm seeing all these surface level illusions (heheh) to Hellblazer but huge changes are made that undermine the radically punk text of the source material.

Bullet point review of thoughts below, sorry for exposing yall to ken doll Johnstantine again lmao, I just want a meta that goes beyond "I hate that he's pretty":

Let's get this out of the way, the writing is bad. I don't want anyone saying "it's because it's YA/for teens!" because there are fantastic YA graphic novels out there, heck even within DC that's the case (Girl Taking Over, read it). I've read middle grade graphic novels with stronger writing than this. The MG Constantine graphic novel is easily better.

The dialogue is generic and the character voices are not indistinct (if Kami Garcia believes that making John say "Bloody" and "brilliant" and "toss" makes him British, she is mistaken), the relationships are superficial and lack depth, the plot arguably doesn't start until over halfway through the story. I'd argue the story only really starts when Mucuous Membrane gets blacklisted from performing and John decides to summon a spirit for revenge. Otherwise the beginning half is such a drag of nothing.

The art. Compliment sandwich: It's a very appealing style that teens especially will really like. Isaac Goodheart's clearly very skilled in drawing fashion and hairstyles- which again, teens will love.

The not good art: it's the part where, in pursuit of making all the characters look model-level attractive, that it disrupts the momentum of the storytelling. John especially is drawn to be so handsome-squidward that he's rendered with these duck lips in every panel, it's haunting.

Like he's threatening to kiss the reader at any second (and I did not consent). But it isn't limited to John- all the characters have a "supermodel stiffness" that gets in the way of their acting. When someone is devastated, they can't ugly cry- they still have to look hot so they can't fully emote. It makes it hard to treat any emotional beat seriously when the characters are posing for a magazine cover every minute. Some pages felt more like pin ups than truly composing a moment for storytelling reasons. In their quest to make these characters hot, it made me incapable of connecting with them- because they're not emoting like people.

Second end of compliment sandwich for art: The colors are good (props to Ruth Reymond) and some of the layouts are inspired! The painterly pages especially look very cool.

I think Distorted Illusions' biggest sin and what makes it so antithetically Hellblazer (and not in the good way- I'm all for re-imaginings that challenge the source material) is this groveling to authority figures. OG Hellblazer is a punk text- John is a born and raised punk from the 80s to 90s, hates the rich and tricks Gods, Demons, and Devils with his wits. He humiliates beings of authority, proving how their pride gets the better of them. But in Distorted Illusions, John has to apologize and ask for help not just from his dad Thomas (canonically abusive in the og canon text)- but his stepdad and a magician he failed to apprentice under. They all come to help him after he apologizes for being reckless.

In contrast, the Hellblazer middle grade graphic novel "The Mystery of The Meanest Teacher- a Johnny Constantine Graphic Novel" actually understood this! Even for a graphic novel I would consider to be the most safe and commercial way to pitch Hellblazer to kids (it's comedic, plays it safe- sets the story in America, lighthearted), it is still inherently an anti-authority narrative. The plot there was for John and his friend to uncover why their teacher is targeting them as magic-user kids. Johnny uses his smarts to outsmart authority. It's a communal effort with similarly marginalized friends against a bigger threat.

Distorted Illusions on the other hand has John dawdle around in America for a while before he eventually messes up and has to come crying to his dad, stepdad, and teacher for help. A whole coven of magic users of authority just exorcize a demon out of John's hospitalized friend. There wasn't even any smarts involved. No trickery. They just "do powerful magic that John can't do because he doesn't train" and leave. Frankly, with the state of the writing, I don't think Garcia is clever enough to think of a classic Constantine silver tongued solution.

What I do think both the MG and YA graphic novel (and to an extent all of DC!Johnstantine) misunderstand about og Hellblazer is that,,, magic isn't inherently special in the world of Hellblazer. Sure John is from a bloodline of Laughing Magicians but there's plenty of Constantines that don't practice magic. One of the things that surprised me when reading the very first issue of Hellblazer was Gary Lester (John's Mucous Membrane band member and friend) performing an exorcism pretty casually. Tons of characters either dabble in occultish stuff or are experts, but it's framed as something anyone can do.

But then what makes John special then? I thought magic was his power? Well no, it never was. It was his smarts. And I believe that's key to keep in mind. Hellblazer is an anti-genre superhero text- no one person is picked to be exceptional. Anyone in Hellblazer can do magic. John's power is mundane but that's why he's a compelling character. It says anyone, even a working class drunkard can overcome powerful obstacles. When John is "a special birth magic boy" as a means to fit him into some kind of Harry Potter mold, it misses the point for me.

General diversity representation thoughts time. It's apparent that with any adaptation of old source material that "this time it's those characters again but more diverse" and sometimes those changes inform the characters (Girl Taking Over, my beloved) and other times it's diversity paint and the characters are interchangeable with their original counterparts (MAWS, my behated). For Distorted Illusions' case, this means adding more women, characters of color, and John being just a bit more outwardly bi (he just says a guy is hot and ended a relationship with a guy named "Liam" who we never see. It's scraps).

I'm torn here because as a reader of color who loves og Hellblazer but also occasionally finds it a frustrating read from its outdated portrayal of characters of color and general racism/colonialism plots, I turn to the more modern Hellblazer stories like maybe Spirit World or even Distorted Illusions for what I hoped are stories that handled characters of color better. Instead I end up annoyed because while og Hellblazer had outdated writing, those characters of colors' identity mattered to the history and context of the story. Their identities were politicized and therefore not interchangeable with whiteness.

Distorted Illusions wants you to praise it. "Look John has gal pals now! His best friend is a girl! His stepdad is a Black man, his mentor is a Black woman, and his love interest is a brown girl! Also John is definitely bi in this!" But if I changed all these characters to be white or straight people would the story really change that much? Were their identities integral to the narrative or who they are as people? Because they sure would be in og Hellblazer, even if sometimes poorly done- they certainly were trying.

And how diverse were those changes anyway? Distorted Illusions is already a pathetically un-punk text with how it grovels at authority, but we're in an era where there's more queer characters than ever- and yet we're still terrified of having mainline bi characters say the word "bisexual". John doesn't say he's bi in Distorted Illusions. He keeps saying he's punk, but unlike his friend Slaughter, he's not given outfits nearly as punk as him (John still has to look commercially attractive after all). He can't even wear his gay right earring. You're telling me a text from the 80s and 90s isn't afraid to say gay, lesbian, queen, f-g, and AIDS but comics in the modern day think calling a guy "hot" is enough? I'm tired. It's cowardice. Who needs the Don't Say Gay bill if we're already doing the censorship ourselves?

There's other insidious changes too. John's mom is alive (didn't die from childbirth like in canon) because I guess John needs more women in his life. Okay. Where's Cheryl (John's big sister) then? Why are we trying to fit John into a nuclear family structure so much? They live in this aesthetic cozy house because I guess the lower-working class upbringing og Hellblazer John grew up in just isn't aesthetic enough. John's bio dad, Thomas Constantine, isn't an amputee. He has two arms. Oh, but don't worry we have a magic user authority wizard woman in the end who is a wheel chair user. We did our disability rep quota! Because disability rep is only limited to what DC fandom recognizes as Oracle!Barbara.

It's transparent that while these are all more superficially diverse changes, they're all so palatably safe. John has gal pals because his occasional misogynist outbursts in his og Hellblazer run is just too messy. John doesn't have a single parent for most of his life, swapping households in extended family member's homes because that's too messy. What's the point then though? These changes don't challenge or innovate Hellblazer. All they're doing is fitting John into a commercial box.

And that's my general feelings towards Distorted Illusions. It's a continuing trend of superficial aesthetics that try to frame itself as more progressive than the original source material but falls flat on its handsome squidward face. It's easy to make fun of this book, the writing is bad, the yassification of John, and the "inaccuracies to Hellblazer" are all beaten like a dead horse. But there's other insidious stuff in Distorted Illusions' mediocrity. And it's worth examining as much as any other Hellblazer text.

[loud-sturniolos]

Babysit

A Chris Sturniolo one-shot

Summary: Having to run an errand, and not being able to find a last minute babysitter you message your last resort; your boyfriend, Chris.

Warnings: Not much, just fluff, slight dad!Chris vibes?, reader still lives with parents, baby sister is 1 years old, very short bc I just want to write something😭

A/N: I’ve had so much baby fever recently😭 They’re js so cute hehe

Chris got out of the uber and headed up your driveway, unlocking the door with the spare key he has. He walks into your parents house, finding you, already dressed and ready, and your baby sister, Ayla, sat at the kitchen counter. You turned around and smiled, setting Ayla on your lap as you stood up and walked over to him.

“Hi, baby,” Chris said, kissing your forehead before taking Ayla from your arms and kissing the little girls forehead too, earning a soft giggle from her. “Hi, I really need to go run this errand, so I will see you later, okay?” You say quickly, pressing your lips to the boys cheek before grabbing your bag and leaving the house.

Now alone, Christopher decides to go sit on the sofa and play Fortnite on your xbox, he settles himself into the sofa and places Ayla on his lap, her back against his stomach. He grabs the controller and starts playing, but as he keeps getting distracted by the little girl on his lap who cant seem to stop giggling, so after the first round he switches off the xbox and just decides to stay on his phone with SpongeBob playing on the TV in the background.

As he scrolls through Instagram on his phone, he decides to snap a quick pic of Ayla on his lap and send it too you.

(ignore the tattoos on the hand💀)

Looking at your phone as you got back into your car, now finished with your errand and about to head home, you smile at the cute photo and save it before putting your phone down and starting the drive back home.

You parked your car in the driveway, then got out and locked it before heading into the house. As you walked towards the living room, the voices of SpongeBob and Squidward filled your ears from the TV, and just as you walked in to greet Chris, you found him and Ayla fast asleep. Ayla resting peacefully on his lap, his fingers still in the grasp of her little hand, Chris’s head is on the back of the sofa, lips parted in peaceful slumber.

Slowly making your way over and standing behind the sofa you looked at Chris’s upside down face, listening to his soft breaths and taking in every detail about him, before leaning down and pressing your lips to his in a quick, soft kiss to wake him up. His eyes slowly opened, looking confused for a second, before he smiled and leaned up to get another kiss.

“Good nap?” you teased, trying not to laugh at his sleepy expression as you walked around the sofa to pick up the still fast asleep Ayla from his lap. “Yeah,” Chris groaned out as he stretches his arms up above his head, “Really good nap actually.”

[thegoldencontracts]

(Not) A Stand-Up Guy

Summary: Your boyfriend is being insulted. Naturally, you defend him. Problem is... That's kind of hard.

Characters: Azul, Jade

Azul Ashengrotto

It was a peaceful day as you passed through the hallways to run a quick errand; delivering papers to Professor Crewel. The halls were almost completely deserted, every little sound echoing through the walls.

And one of those sounds was the sound of people insulting your boyfriend.

"Ugh," said some guy. "The damn crook. Can't believe people like him can be housewarden."

"We should beat him up." Silence. "I-I'm joking," said the other guy hastily. "Obviously, I know that wouldn't work with those goons of his. He's still annoying, though."

"His voice pisses me off."

"His voice?" Said another guy incredulously. "What about the fact that he's a terrible person?"

A terrible person was definitely an overstatement. Though he definitely had his flaws, Azul wasn't Satan incarnate or anything Iike that.

And- now that you thought about it, didn't these guys cheat off you during Alchemy? What were they doing insulting you boyfriend when they knew you could hear them? Didn't they have an ounce of respect?

...Or did they just think you were a pushover?

You were beginning to feel offended on your own behalf, too.

"Hey!" You said, turning to face them, closing the gap between you and the group of miscreants. "Don't talk about my boyfriend like that!"

"We're right," said one of the guys nonchalantly. You paused for a second.

He was a crook, and he did intentionally get on people's nerves. Curses.

"Uh, well-" You raised a finger to try and prove your point, except there was no point to prove. "He has a very lovely voice!"

"That he sweetens up to get on people's nerves," said a guy. He was right.

You paused for a second. They were right, weren't they?

No, no. You weren't going to let this slide.

"Still," you said, steeling yourself. Your voice instantly turned stony.

"Let's face it: Night Raven's a school of schemers. You're all probably up to no good yourself. Azul isn't particularly worse than any of you, nor is he the morally irredeemable prat you seem to think he is. He's insanely hardworking, and probably more talented than you could ever be, considering how often you all try to pull a fast one and look at my answers during tests."

You paused for a long breath, taking in their shock at your words—and the fact you knew about them cheating off of you.

"So," you continued. "If you're going to use me to cheat or whatever, at least don't talk shit about my boyfriend when I can clearly hear you."

That promptly shut them up.

"Sorry, sorry," one of them said. "So... You won't tell Professor Crewel about... Uh...?"

You beamed.

"We're all good!" You said, switching up your tone immediately. You had gotten what you wanted.

The guy sighed.

"T-Thanks," he said, not really caring about Azul so long as he could keept cheating off of you during Alchemy.

"No problem!"

You beamed, off on your merry way. And, afterwards, you bumped into none other than your darling himself, Azul.

"I saw your little skirmish earlier today," he said with a grin. You laughed.

"I'd stick up for you again," you said. He smiled. "Even if it is super hard to do."

The smile fell right off his face.

"You'd do well to cease this line of conversation."

"Nah," you said. "I think I'll keep talking about it some more. I'll talk about you being a crook, and how you talk like Squidward from SpongeBob sometimes, and-"

"Insolent cretin."

"I love you too, Azul."

Jade Leech

Getting to pick Jade's mushrooms was quite the pleasant experience. They were all so pretty, and the garden itself was so well taken care of, not to mention how much glee you felt at the thought of Jade trusting you enough to ask you to pick some of his precious mushrooms for him!

As you finished storing the last of the mushrooms—Lactarius Indigo, a really pretty one; edible too—you practically skipped back to Octavinelle. Oh, how you loved mycology. The world of fungi was really quite fascinating.

So why did everyone think they were creepy? At least, they did in this school. Seriously, mushrooms weren't just not creepy, they were awesome! Mushrooms were one of the key players in the ecosystem, a great source of food, so varied in utility it was insane, gorgeous, not to mention-

"Oh, look," some guy said." It's the creepier Leech's servant, here to collect his fucking poison mushrooms."

"Don't say that! They're supposed to be together!" Said another guy with a snicker. "They're totally equals, you guys."

Your eye twitched. You could hear them. They knew that, right?

No, no. You had to be calm about this. Move on, ignore them.

"I wonder what kinda blackmail he's got on his little servant-"

"Oh, shut up!" You said before you could stop yourself. You'd lost your temper.

One of the guys scoffed.

"Your precious little boyfriend's a creep, and you know it," he said. Another guy nodded along.

"Wasn't that there thing about him finding people's private online accounts or some shit?"

You grit your teeth. That was... True, actually. He did that, and he also messed with others for his own amusement.

Curses.

"It's just the truth," said one of the guys. You noticed the yellow band on his uniform. Savannaclaw.

You smirked.

"Were you or were you not in on it when your dorm orchestrated the mass accidents? What about the stampede on Diasomnia?"

His eyes widened.

"I- uh-"

"That's what I thought," you said. "Might want to shut it, then. You're not exactly a saint yourself."

With that, you walked off, making one last comment about how they'd never been in a healthy relationship before. Still, you couldn't help but sigh.

You hadn't actually won the argument. You just- deflected their point.

Then again, did those guys really have a point? This was Night Raven. What made the things Jade did any worse than the misdeeds of other students?

You were pulled from your lamentations by the sight of Jade Leech.

"Thank you for so bravely taking a stand on my behalf, dearest," he said with a teasing look that contained a vague trace of sincerity. How did he even get that information? Hell if you knew.

"No problem, my dear princess," you said with an entirely straight face. "On that note, your knight has brought the requested items."

You pulled out the bag of mushrooms, presenting them to him with a smirk.

"Please, accept this humble offering," you said. It was all too satisfying to catch the split second of frustration on Jade's face at you playing along. Turnabout was fair play, wasn't it?

But, of course, he had to keep playing along. It was actually pretty funny, to be honest.

"I accept, my darling knight," he said with a smirk. "Of course, I must reward you."

"And how exactly do you intend to go about doing that?"

Your question was promptly answered when he pulled you in for a kiss.

[literaryvein-reblogs]

Writing Notes: Guilt by Association

Guilt by Association - moral guilt or unfitness presumed to exist on the basis of one's known associations

Guilt by Association Fallacy

Occurs when someone connects an opponent to a demonized group of people or to a bad person in order to discredit his or her argument.

The idea is that the person is “guilty” by simply being similar to or associated with this “bad” group and, therefore, their arguments should be disregarded.

Example:  We cannot have the educational reform that my opponent calls for because Dr. Corrupt has also mentioned this kind of educational reform.

This is the fallacy of trying to refute or condemn someone's standpoint, arguments or actions by evoking the negative ethos of those with whom the speaker is identified or of a group, party, religion or race to which he or she belongs or was once associated with.

It is a form of Ad Hominem Argument, e.g., "Don't listen to her. She's a Republican so you can't trust anything she says," or "Are you or have you ever been a member of the Communist Party?" 

An extreme instance of this is the Machiavellian "For my enemies, nothing" Fallacy, where real or perceived "enemies" are by definition always wrong and must be conceded nothing, not even the time of day, e.g., "He's a Republican, so even if he said the sky is blue, I wouldn't believe him."

Guilt by association fallacies can often work in concert with hasty generalization or ad hominem fallacies, especially when they’re used to attack a specific group of people.

While guilt by association fallacies often include unfair stereotypes, this is not always the case.

Guilt by association can even be factually accurate.

For example, imagine two politicians both support a bill for free school lunches. However, one of these politicians has a known history of corruption. Despite being based on fact, it would still be illogical to use the corrupt politician as a means to discredit the second politician and their ideas.

"Guilt by Association Gag" Trope

In a comedy, when a bunch of characters are subject to some kind of punishment or awful revenge, there will often be exactly one character who doesn't deserve it.

No matter how much this character voices his objection, he will never be recognized as an exception.

He must suffer with everyone else.

Examples

In one episode of Courage the Cowardly Dog, Eustace swindled Shirley the Medium out of a necklace for Muriel by giving her an oil bill he claimed was a deed to an oil well. In response, Shirley put a swindling curse on both him and Muriel, even though Muriel was completely innocent of the scam.

Near the beginning of Monty Python and the Holy Grail, a man is loaded onto a cart full of dead plague victims. When he insists he's "not quite dead yet" and attempts to leave, the cart-pusher refuses to take him at first, but the man who brought him slips the cart-pusher some money. A hefty whack from his cudgel and the man wasn't complaining anymore.

Schools often employ this tactic to keep students under control in chaotic classrooms, much to the chagrin of well-behaved students. It's become something of a Discredited Trope, as teachers have gradually come to realize that the badly-behaved students often enjoy getting their more well-behaved peers punished for no reason, and can actually cause the ones who normally behave to start being disruptive themselves once they realize they're going to be punished either way.

In the Spongebob Squarepants episode "Big Sister Sam", Squidward insults Patrick's elder sister, which causes her to cry. In response, Patrick shames both Squidward and SpongeBob, even though SpongeBob has just been standing there watching the whole thing.

The Simpsons: "Simpsons Bible Stories" ends with the Rapture. The Simpsons are to be sent to Hell… except Lisa, who is pulled heavenward in a beam of glorious light. Disturbingly, Homer is able to reach up and pull her down to hell with them, saying "Where do you think you're going, Missy?"

Sources: 1 2 3 4 ⚜ More: Notes & References ⚜ Writing Resources PDFs

[hehe-69]

Bonfire Part 7

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6

Time for the Wolfpack on crack. I hope you enjoy this lil palette cleanser. Because it’s going to get rough in the future. (This is short af because it’s just me writing more Wolfpack)

Tag list: @coldonez

—————

“You’re kidding me,” you say shock filling your voice. “You’re telling me that vampires turn into fucking disco balls in the sunlight!” The frustration in your voice makes Jacob throw his head back and laugh.

“Don’t worry, I’m sure Jacob will protect you.” Jared teases and immediately gets horrified as Jacob glares at him. “Dude, quit stirring the pot before you get your ass beat.” Amusement fills Embry’s voice as he speaks. “Yeah no kidding, you’re lucky (Y/N) is here or else you’d be Jacob’s new chew toy.” Seth adds through a mouth full of marshmallows.

“I’d pay to see that.” Leah grins as she speaks, she still hasn’t forgiven Jared for drinking all of Seth’s Capri Suns.

-

“Oh Paul is 100% Squidward.” Seth says as you and him take turns assigning each member of the group sponge bob characters. “Embry is SpongeBob without a doubt.” You announced and hear Embry say ‘YUSSSSS!’

“QUILL IS PACTRICK BECAUSE HES MY LOVER!” Embry shouts out joining in. “DUDE WHAT THE FUCK?!!” Quill laughs out.

“Wait, Jared would be doodle bob.” You say and start pointing at him making doodle bob noises and you start wheezing laughing. “WHY DOES IT MAKE SO MUCH SENSE!” Seth gets out through fits of laughter.

-

“Okay, I think it’s time for you to take a nap.” Jacob tells you, you’ve been laughing for at least 15 minutes. “Yeahhhhh I think so too.” You are literally crying laughing and Seth is still wheezing. Everyone else has begun laughing either from the doodlebob joke or from how unhinged you and Seth’s laughter has become.

-

Now that things have calmed down, you all sit by the fire and just talk. For hours, just enjoying each others company. And you can’t help but notice, that Quill and Embry’s legs are pressed against each other.

—————

Weeks after the bone fire, at Emily’s house

“Hey guys!” Seth’s voice is filled with excitement, finally he was going to be involved with the boys. Quill and Embry had told Seth to come talk to them after helping Emily clean up supper. “You wanted to tell me something?”

“Me and Quill are together.” Embry says straight faced and Seth laughs. “Okay I’m not falling for another one of your pranks.” Seth laugh fades as he realizes how dead serious the two boys look. “This is a prank…right?”

“Maybe, maybe not,” Quill says cryptically, and then Embry grins widely, pure evil shines from within his eyes. “Why tell me this?” Seth asks, and he fears the answer. “Because either way…no one will ever believe you.” Embry chuckles as he finishs Quill’s sentence. And the two boys walk away. Seth is left in the dark, horrified. They’re right, no one will ever believe him. Seth makes the saddest hurt puppy face known to man and slowly walks back to Jacob’s truck.

No one will ever know the truth…or will they heheheheheh.

————————

Tis a short but sweet fill part, I have much work to do😈😈😈😈

Here’s a hint, it has to do with two bffs falling in love. ITS QUILL AND EMBRY IM SOLD ON THIS UNINTENTIONAL LOVE STORY. EMBRY X QUIL

So ummm yeah, small break from (Y/N) and Jacob but they will be back. Part 8 will on hold. I’m gonna make a one shot about Embry and Quill about them getting together in this universe. If you don’t like them together as more then bros in love you can just ignore it.

Jacob and reader are side characters in it toooooo

Tanks for reading. Part 9 will involve Bell’s wedding sooo angst and so on will be in the forecast.

Id like to restate that I will not abandon this long fic till it is done I’m just taking a bit of a break from it because I’ve made 7 Parts so far and it’s not even been a week since the first part.

Enjoy your peace while it last WUHAHAHAHAHA

Also as always feel free to request something you would like to see in future parts

Love ya🫶

Part 8

[bahrtofane]

jude but as the most annoying best friend the guy lives for banter and teasing imagine being bffs with him? yeah have fun

not a single serious moment he just edited a pic of you and made squidward ur face hahaha. most definitely has it as ur contact pic on his phone. burst out laughing every time he sees it

has a collection of horrible pics of u he uses as reaction memes he will LITERALLY never stop dont even ask it wont work

u screenshot bad moments when he plays and he thumbs down every single one and sends you a long voice note moping and whining. ur not funny. shut up (he loves you so much)

on the off chance he is being nice (twice a year give or take) he always follows it up with "ew gross"

mr loves to be mean to you but doesnt spare any expense on your bday

silly guy what a silly silly guy

[wikuskuss]

OK my story with being a Douglas fan is funny. At first I was looking at SpongeBob cast because I really liked their voice acting (especially SpongeBob, Squidward, Mr. Krabs and Plankton). I saw him in his long hair and I was like "he looks like John Lennon" (bro what was on my mind???)

I saw some interviews with them and that was funny. I liked them all but especially Tom Kenny, Mr. Lawrence and Clancy Brown. Of course, Mr. Lawrence is so iconic so my eyes were on him.

I let it out, because I was like "Girl, you're 16 and others at your age drink alcohol and smoke, when you're a fan of a cartoon", but I didn't, I still was watching SpongeBob and have never touched alcohol and cigarettes (my addictions are food and watching shows/movies).

This year (when I'm 18) I decided to fuck them all and discover more about Douglas because I thought he's an interesting person. At first I thought he was just the opposite of Plankton, but now, after watching some of his animations or videos like Toot, this has changed. Am I disappointed? No. I'm not a fan of adult videos but it's not making me feel weird, because he's a human like me or my maths teacher (I'd rather not think about it...)

[xenosagaepisodeone]

For the last 2 weeks I've been transfixed on a strain of lost media I've come to call "bad memory induced media", where the supposed media in question does not (or at least more than likely does not) exist, but there are swaths of people convinced that they have definitely seen it at some point. There is rarely anything more to go off of for the hunt than a vague summary outlined in a post on some forum, but the lack of specificity allows people to fill in the blanks with similar types of media that they've seen, giving them the impression that they've already experienced it. I've found that this is extremely common for alleged lost shock media in particular, which isn't surprising. I talked a little about this on my LOL SUPERMAN post, and I get the impression that a similar strain of logic applies on a smaller scale.

Anyway, 2 major cases I have been looking at for a while are Saki Sanobashi/Go For A Punch and Evil Farm Game. Saki Sanobashi in particular fascinates me because an urban legend like this should have crumbled to the wayside by like 2018 at the latest, since that's when anime more or less became demystified to normal people. The basic premise is that it is an 80s/90s horror anime about anywhere from 4-8 girls trapped in a bathroom. The girls talk about their lives, hopes, dreams and philosophies before slowly going insane and dying one by one. If you like horror stuff you probably are already getting the vague impression that it sounds familiar- which could be influenced by any swath of media artifacts from Saw to the Russian Sleep Experiment creepypasta to the Ikea SCP to ClockUp's Euphoria to snippets of Battle Royale to that one Grisaia no Kajitsu arc. OP insisted he found it fully subbed on the deep web (omegalul) and hasn't found a trace of it since, implying some kind of murky origin or legal status (the OVA is not pornographic btw). As you can probably tell, I think this is silly. Like, so much goes into anime production that it would be difficult to hide any traces of this thing's existence. Someone had to voice act those girls. Someone had to sit hunched over a desk and draw that settei. OVAs were such a new thing in the 80s and 90s that both sfw and nsfw series were advertised in magazines. The only way that this could be so lost that not even a MAL entry remains is if it had been a student/indie production or something made for a single comiket event...but even at that....you're telling me that someone still managed to rip this from a vhs and subtitle it? And then chose to upload it to the deep web instead of youtube? even the title sounds like something google translated but didnt format correctly ("Saki Sanobashi" being gibberish while "Saki-san no Bashi" translates to "Saki-san's Bridge").

And yet there are people who will say "I definitely saw this at some point" because they saw a reaction image similar to the alleged scene where the protagonist smashes someone's head into a mirror. "The neck scratching death sounds familiar...." because you watched a higurashi amv! And OP did too, and thought it was so creepy that he involved it in his fake story. It's almost grating how much you have to suspend your disbelief to embrace that something like this exists in the exact way that stories like this insist. While many people have accepted that the series is likely not real in the last 4 or so years, there still persists a cohort of people hunting for Saki Sanobashi, likely because they are kids who are now too old to believe in Squidward's Suicide.

Evil Farm Game gives me a chuckle because it goes like this: a redditor posts to r/tipofmytongue about an old flash game where you play as a farmer who kills his wife and then has to hide her body while going about his farm tasks. The setup is completely fine and actually kind of reminiscent of a few story driven flash games I played on newgrounds as a kid. Many people came forward insisting that they had played this as well, one person even producing a link to a file from their hard drive that they couldn't open, but strongly believed that the game was there. A subreddit was even created to support the search. The twist is that it was a misremembered joke from a vinesauce stream.

Everyone knows that memory is an extremely fallable thing; people can be coaxed into believing that they did or saw things that they didn't with the correct prompts. What gets me is that a lot of people on the hunt for "bad memory induced media" seem to largely be hyping themselves up. They want to believe there is something that exists against all reason no matter what. It's chuuni in nature. Do not get me wrong- the interest in finding a cool, mysterious, haunting piece of media isn't lost on me, but dog, the dopamine hit of finding a previously lost 1985 commercial for almonds in a box of vhs tapes you got from eBay is the same.