#hard emotions

[starseedarchive]

todays entry

[the-gayest-sky-kid]

god i love my friends. shout out to people who love their friends. this is a post for friend lovers

[hinamie]

mentor

[xtrablak674]

[Originally published on Live Journal, Wednesday, May 24, 2000 at 12:49 am, edited mildly for clarity]

Oh I feel so out of it, I really need to start working I have way too much time on my hands. Me and Tony have not really spoken or seen each other these last two days, and of course since I am not working and have way too much time I am obsessing over it, when its probably no where as dramatic as I am making it in my head.

I decided against getting my hair done today and am going on Sunday to get it done so its fresh for work on Tuesday. I am just really aware of not wanting to sweat him [Tony], so I have deliberately not called him these last days, cause I wanted to see if he was going to call me. Even though we have only been seeing each other a month, I do not think we are ready to pursue anything more seriously, we really do not know each other and can't pretend that we do.

There is a whole lot I don't know about him, and there are an ungodly amount of things he doesn't know about me. And we still don't do very much other then hang out at his house, which I have an issue with, I want him to come to visit me, but the visits to me, sort of always end with sex. You know there are somethings we need to talk about and they can't just be left out there anymore, its really unacceptable. I am sitting at home, not really horny, but I would have sex with him, "If I could", and that is an issue in itself.

[I am just noticing that this seemed to be a trend in relationships that had started as just sexual, when I started dating these men we would get to some point where I was being denied sex, or sex was being withheld, yeah same difference. Even with all of this distance I am not sure what it was all about, the only thing I could guess is maybe there were underlying health issues that went undiscussed, that just left me feeling very sexually frustrated.]

I know he has lots of things going on in his life with his mental health etc, not to say that I am all mentally well but, still. I like to 'do or die', and not leave stuff up in the air, I have only been doing some of this to be considerate of him and his not being well, but I believe its okay to be a little more ME-oriented at this point, especially if I don't feel I am getting my needs met in certain areas. He says I should positively affirm myself, which I agree with, but if I am with someone who I doesn't give any affirmations, then why am I with them?

There are a few things, I could get a little more of from him. I know in the beginning he was very forth coming with compliments about my sexual prowess and how handsome I was, I told him, that my head is too big and not to do that too much, but that doesn't mean to cease and desist all together.

With all this dating stuff I am so out of practice, and I am not sure how I should be acting or reacting, not that my behavior should be so premeditated but its so hard for me to be in the moment sometimes, and I am making my best attempt. I am trying to focus on my website stuff but I still think of him. I get romantic like that. Deep down I am really relationship-oriented, I envision settling down to a domestic-type life, but I have to be getting certain needs met.

I know that Tony has a lot of past traumas to deal with, and I am patient but I have to feel that someone is making a little bit more of an effort with me, but the thing nagging in the back of my head is he is doing the best that he can, but I think he is not committed to anything yet. And I don't see him really putting an effort forward ever.

I don't know, I am not sure when he has therapy this week but we have to get together and chat about some of these things, and I have to hope I don't freeze up, like I have a tendency to do and forget to tell him all the things I want to tell him, I have to organize my thoughts without seeming to pre-planned, which is always my issue.

Part of the problem is I don't think we really talk about our feeling, I mean we are both the products of therapy in our own ways, I think thats part of it, interactions with Adam are like that, like your talking to a therapist and I have no desire to have interactions with anyone like that but, we need to be a little more honest with each other.

No matter what the results, I just feel I am going to get the same rejection I got from the Irish guy who said he just wasn't looking for anything more serious. [Now I am totally wondering who this Irish guy was] The thing is I am a way too passionate person and I have a tendency toward extremes and over-dramatizations, and I want to be aware of that with Tony when I speak to him. I know I can't have my cake and eat it too, and I should feel very blessed to have all the stuff going on in my life right now, good relationship with my grand parents, my aunt, change of job, increase in salary very exciting, it would be nice to balance that out with a nice relationship, but I will not settle.

What really needs to happen is me and Tony need to talk and just get shit out in the open, he may not want to put up with my eccentric behavior, it may not even be worth it to him. I am just a little anxious, cause I think he might break it off, and its been a nice learning experience for me, Mr On-the-Internet all the time. I don't know and I guess not knowing is what makes it all so scary. He is not dumb by far, which also make me think that he may break it off cause he seems to be quite aware of himself and his issues, so I don't know.

He was lightly joking, but he was also serious when he said to me. What makes you different then any other black man that I have dated? Which is a very fierce statement and very very catty. And I should be very offended by it, but I was just trying to hear it for what it was, I think we are actually good for each other to a point, cause he wont let me "have my way", which is demonstrated in the way he hasn't given me any ass. And that intrigues and excites me.

Most of these white boys fall over themselves for me, I can get them to do all kinds of ungodly things. But I am not getting away with that with Tony which is very attractive. He make me work for it, which I enjoy also. Cause some guys just give it up too easy. I don't know and I guess that is fine. Let me go work on my website some more, maybe I might do some Oculingus work too.

peace&blessings

T

[There is so many conflicting emotions in this journal entry, but I was in my late twenties so this is par for the course. I was trying to remember exactly where I was and I think I was working at the Dot-Com job at SF Interactive which I landed and left my first ad agency Kirshenbaum Bond & Partners.

It seems we may have had very little to do those first few months as we got onboarded, and I think this was triggering me, because I had left KB&P because of our work slow down, especially since the internets seemed to be popping off at this time I wanted to be in the midst of this exciting growth that would later be known as Internet 2.0.

I can see with all the clarity and of course hindsight that this relationship with Tony wasn't going anywhere. I seemed to struggle with this because I really liked Tony and I thought we could date, but even in this entry I could see that wasn't going to really work out. Curiously we stopped dating soon after this and we just friends for the next ten years or so.

The most other revealing thing about this entry was my lack of confidence, I was struggling with who I was and what I wanted, and what I could settle for or not. My self-worth hadn't gotten to what it is today, where I could have more easily seen that Tony wasn't ever going to give me what I needed from that relationship and it was best to just move on.

Albeit I edited the entry for clarity I can feel how unclear my feelings were I was attempting to process them right on the page, and still not totally sure of how I was feeling. I love the humanity in that, as we are going through things we can't always determine exactly how we feel. We have pieces of the puzzle but aren't always able to put them together to see the bigger picture. This vulnerability was very endearing to me.

Unlike some of the other entries I have shared from this time period this one is riddled with doubt, and I love this because as much as I would like to have thought it, I wasn't the fully-formed person I am today, and its refreshing to see that I had the potential for more growth.

Curiously I stopped dating all-together about twenty years ago, not too long after this entry, one thing that remained true from this time period is I wasn't someone who would settle for less, I'd rather do bad by myself than be with someone who wasn't fulfilling me in as many ways as possible. I am curious if I revisit this later if I will have any regrets about this decision. Knowing myself I am feeling confident I won't.]

[Photo by Brown Estate]

[tawnysoup]

(You nod furiously.)

[soultied-bz]

i wish i knew how to love myself the way i love others

[courageisneverforgotten]

alex and ariel hirsch via alex’s instagram stories 🥹

somebody PLEASE draw this with dipper and mabel

[staygoldsquatchling02]

I'm back in my hometown after about 6 months and I'm glad to be here because we are getting my brother and brother in-law out of a bad situation, but I'm getting flashbacks to what used to be happy memories but are now tainted by something that happened back in December. I know I won't be here long enough to see any of the people involved with what happened but driving by my old highschool triggered some memories and while I want to look back fondly I can't help but think the only reason those three were my friends was because they thought they could fix me. I want to believe that our 6 almost 7 year friendship was more than a pity project but the way it ends and how quickly it did scars me.

I'm also overwhelmed with separation anxiety because I just saw my niece and nibling for the first time in almost a year and I know it's probably going to be a while before I see them again. You truly never know how much you actually miss something until you get it back and it's pulled out from under you again.

[lotus-pear]

11/20

[qweenofurheart]

the tim drake experience

[cashmoneyyysstuff]

yall i kinda dont care what you gotta say on this one cus its real to me but katsuki is lowkey a crybaby. i fully believe he cries extremely easy,, like..HAVE YOU SEEN HIM ??? do you see how quickly bothered and emotional he gets over stuff ? no,not angry—bothered and emotional. (but the angry part also works lowkey i like to think in certain situations he gets so angry he cries.)

so yeah every time you argue—wether it’s over the phone n he hangs up on you or in person and he storms off to get away from you. he’s just so mad at you, he’s angry so so angry but he doesn’t like fighting with you. he’s in the right, he’s sure he is.. but a minuscule little part of him sorta wishes he wasn’t so this fight never happened. and also, don’t tell anyone, but he’s also pretty fucking worried you’ll leave him.

oh and there they are, he feels little tears prick at his lash line, practically clawing at his face the moment he feels them coming. he sniffles loudly nose already clogged and he scowls so hard, eyebrows pinched harder like that’ll make them go away.

he’s angry, so angry. he tries to convince himself he’s fuming just so he can stop crying.

—and he cries anyway. it’s nothing too dramatic, no sobs. only a hiccup manages to pass through his lips and he’s heaving and sniffling hard, wiping at his eyes and nose.

and he cries anyway.

[treef-greef]

touya pillleeee

[hinamie]

sympathy for cain

[vennitrii]

hey man maybe if you think about the fact that dogs dream, and that non-human animals play, and that octopuses decorate their dens, and that there are non-human animals that have cultures, and that ants teach each other, and that fossils exist, and that there are so many forms of language and communication, and that fellow apes look so much like us, and that we are not alone you'll see the beauty and joy

[tawnysoup]

Learning to accept support

[thefluxsystem]

You know what the worst part of having a dissociative disorder is, for me personally?

The emotional amnesia.

Your entire life feels like something that you watched on TV, rather than something that you actually lived through.

You know that some of the most horrific things imaginable have happened to you, and you feel nothing about it. Sure, the memories disgust you on principle, but you don’t feel anything.

It makes you question if anything that you remember is real. If that actually happened, shouldn’t it feel significant? Shouldn’t you be sad, angry, hurt, something?

And to top it all off, nobody understands. Not even yourself.