#guys i know we should have this shit fixed
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heyyy snail, congratulations on 1k you deserve it bub! i’d like to request 26+32 for Jungwon (keep up the wonderful work ilyyyy 🎀)
it's no secret that the parties your friends host can get a little bit...wild. not in the sense of destruction, cop cars, and illegal activity. no, instead it's a whirlwind of intense party games, everyone always giving it their all.
and tonight is no different.
everyone is decently drunk but sober enough to not be slurry messes. it's amazing the party fouls remains in the single digits so far. but the night is still young.
the party game of the night is having everyone sit in a circle, drinks readily available to chug if you answer yes to any question that is directed at you. if you choose to answer the question instead, the person who originally asked you has to chug not only their own drink, but yours as well. there's no official name for it but you've been jokingly calling the game 'wheel of misfortune'.
"okay...y/n...your turn," smirks your best friend who's sitting opposite of you in the group circle, "when you're getting yourself off do you picture anyone in this group when you do so?"
she's evil. absolutely evil. of course she knows the answer to that question and it takes everything in you to remain calm and sneak in a deep breath. you try to communicate to her with your eyes, widening them slightly, but she just smirks and glances to her left at a certain boy you've been desperately trying to not think about.
you look down at the concoction sitting in your cup. after chugging this you'll be absolutely tipsy, dangering the drunken state zone. you bring the cup up to your lips but stop at the array of boo's from all your friends.
"all you ever do is drink, y/n."
"yeah, why not answer one for once?"
you allow yourself a glance at the boy with curly brown hair, those brown eyes sparkling at you as he chuckles, deep dimples presenting themselves to you. his cheeks are flushed pink from the alcohol and he shakes his head with a smile, hair falling into his eyes as he tries to fix them effortlessly to no avail.
"jungwon," you say as casually as you can fake, sipping on your drink anyways.
"hmm?" the boy replies, glancing over at you. when your only response is a coy eyebrow raise, his smile fades and his eyes darken. jungwon bites his bottom lip, eyebrows raising up at you again as he tilts his head slightly.
"oh shit!" someone cheers.
"i can't believe she actually said it!"
you and jungwon are lost in an unbreakable staring contest; you're desperately trying to figure out what he's thinking but you can't read him at all.
you catch your best friend chugging her drink quickly before crawling over to you and snagging your cup out of your hands, quickly downing it with a proud sparkle in her eyes.
"i think we should have jungwon and y/n have a lil seven minutes in heaven fun. what do you guys think?" the response is a loud array of hooting and hollering, everyone gather to push you and jungwon towards the other room.
it isn't until the door closes and you turn to face jungwon, nearly chest to chest that it finally hits you what you've said.
"jungwon i- i'm so sorry i don't know why i-"
“so…you touch yourself to the thought of me? i’d like to see that.”
he closes the gap between you two, backing your body against the door and placing his knee between your legs, his gaze never breaking from your own.
"or you can show me some other time and we can just have a little fun in the meantime." his voice has dropped to a register you haven't heard from him before. your legs feel wobbly and you can't for the life of you look away from his plump lips.
you nod your head frantically, eyes half shut while you raise a cautious hand up to his shoulder.
"do you want me to kiss you?" jungwon chuckles, moving his face close enough that you feel his lips ghosting over your own.
you nod your head again, afraid that if you open your mouth words will be replaced by obscene whines.
“I wanna hear you beg for it" his lips brush against yours in a light, feathery way as he speaks and you feel dizzy.
"please," you gasp, "please kiss me-."
that was all jungwon needed, pressing his lips against yours before you can even finish your sentence.
for part of my 1k follower celebration send me a member and a number from this list and i'll write a short drabble about it ♡ masterlist
#i blacked out again...#tysm cutie i appreciate you sm 🥺🫶#jungwon smut#enhypen smut#jungwon hard hours#jungwon hard thoughts#enhypen hard hours#enhypen hard thoughts#jungwon x you#jungwon x reader#enhypen x you#enhypen x reader#jayparked 1k drabble event
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I know 4 nations is still a couple of months away but if you specifically were the gm choosing the roster right now, what would your team Canada look like? (I am also curious about the other teams but don’t want to overwhelm you) I always love hearing your hockey thoughts!
ooh sarahhhh LOVE this q... also lowkey thank u for only asking about Canada b/c i have not thought about the other rosters at all. to be honest
ok lets get into it
(13 F, 7 D, 3 G)
Forwards:
Already named to the roster: Sidney Crosby, Nathan MacKinnon, Brad Marchand, Connor McDavid, Brayden Point
I'm not entirely sure if I had complete control I would pick Marchand, who is both a) pretty far past his prime (even if he is one of those guys who doesn't really age like other players do) and b), not entirely That guy, but I digress. Eight more forwards to name.
Mitch Marner: Easily the best Canadian player not on this list. Since there's no salary cap for the roster and you can go wild by just picking Everyone Good, the most important note of roster construction in my mind is special teams; on any given team you should have ~2 units each of PP and PK, so eight-ish PP forwards and four-ish PK forwards. Some guys don't really do either, so it's always an extra asset to find a guy who is good at both. Mitch Marner is good at both. (And also good at basically everything else.)
Sam Reinhart: I don't like saying it, but I will
Mark Schiefele: I also don't like saying it
Dylan Strome: Here's where it gets interesting. No, I promise this is not a purely narrative choice, although I understand why one might think that. I shrimply love me a smart playmaking centre (yes his points totals are probably inflated by the Caps' really high oish% for him, but he is firmly Very Good and, even as a 4C, should be firmly considered for the 4N.)
Travis Konecny: Legitimately one of the best penalty killers in the league, and also just an all-around threat. Also also a lot of the guys who tend to be picked for 4N are natural centres (e.g. Sidney, NateMac, CMD, Pointer, Reinhart, Schiefele, and Strome are all centres) so it's nice to not have to worry in his case about if he's going to have to move to wing or not.
Connor Bedard: Oh my god I want to see what this kid can do with offensive deployment on wing and actual good teammates
John Tavares: Departing from my usual "don't pick players who are floating into their mid-thirties if you can possibly avoid it" to say that Guys. Johnnifer is still Good. Like, still really good. Chugging along at a point a game and very, very good in the faceoff dot (58%) type of good.
Seth Jarvis: Also firmly underrated IMHO; just because he is a little guy and a bit of a dork doesn't mean we shouldn't, like, remember that He's Good. Because he is.
Reserves: Steven Stamkos (always a power-play threat), Mat Barzal (competent teammates question part 2), Claude Giroux (we all know what his deal is)
Defencemen:
Already named to the roster: Cale Makar
Oh, boy, are we not great at this whole "developing defencemen" thing. Let's see who we can put together.
Josh Morrissey: Basically Morgan Rielly but a little better, I think? Solid shooter, Of-D, etc etc.
Thomas Chabot: Severely undernoticed considering that the Sens have been shit and ass the entire time he's played there. Not his fault, though. Also there's no other Francophones on this list I feel so we should really fix that. What IS Quebec Doing?
Brandt Clarke: Okay, we can have a little "developing defencemen." As a treat.
Evan Bouchard: Why are you booing me? I'm right.
Chris Tanev: Chris Tanev
Brandon Montour: There are probably one or two better options but I like him more TO BE HONEST. Picking the forwards is like a careful examination of PK ability and faceoff percentages and primary points per minute. Picking defencemen has been entirely vibes. I'm very, very sure the L and R balance is just Not There.
Reserves: Maveric Lamoureux (queb AND developing. dual threat), Devon Toews (considering literally everyone will beg for the makar-toews pairing), Shea Theodore (I guess)
Goaltenders:
Lol and Lmao, even
Logan Thompson: The man is the Capitals' starter, helped win Vegas a Cup, and is also lowkey hot sexy and hot and sexy. Starter!
Joey Daccord: Swiss, Canadian, and American, so I'm sure we could convince him to come to the dark side. (Especially since the USA has holy-fuck level goalie depth. Jake Oettinger is a third-stringer.)
Marc-Andre Fleury: Look, this forward core is good enough that it can win us a game 7-6 if we really need it to. I just think he's fun.
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Thinking about mary pcfc again,,, per usual. [LONG POST]
They're such a simple character but so interesting!! It makes my blood boil how much mischaracterisation i've seen seeing of them in the fandom because they're literally the easiest chara ever like HOW do you get them wrong :/// some people clearly just don't care about any characters other than their blorbos... not dropping names this time though.
The thing about Mary is that we never get to fully see them. Sure, both Mary and Mark appear quite often, and the lines between those two characters often blur, but we never quite get a full picture of them. I strongly believe that the true character of 'Mary' lies somewhere between the God and Mark persona. The distinction between them two gets stomped all over by the show, and often times the fans can’t quite tell whether the other characters see Mary or Mark in certain scenes, some going as far as to speculate that the others know both are the same person. But that's just obviously not true.
PCFC is known for its unclear distinctions between canon and non-canon episodes, most of its runtime composed of semi-canon lore where the direct events probably never took place in canon, yet the relationships and traits established through them persists. It's a curious phenomenon clearly sparked by the fact that the writers do not know shit and should all be fired. It's no wonder then that when they have a character who's split into two different personas, they often entirely forget about it and just write them as something inbetween - a compromise between their two sides. Which, funnily enough, is as close as we ever get to seeing the 'real' Mary.
For those a bit slower and Mary haters, let me explain this even more simply - and to do that, we need to get to the core of Mary's character, their defining trait in the series. Their divinity.
We actually don't know that much about it. Despite how well-established divine beings are within the PCFC universe, they're mostly more minor deities that operate under Mary's watch (like the love pantheon) or have been directly gifted power by them (like the mods). Mary themselves rarely expands upon their divine power and whenever they're seen as the God persona, they act generally distant and closed off. While they're still a kind god, they make sure to leave space between themselves and the mortals - Elo being an exception, but we'll get to them.
When it comes to the origins of their powers, we only know that they ascended rather suddenly, and presumably without much say on the matter. There's been mentions of a previous god and the 'Champion' who ruled under him, but they both presumably left, leaving Mary to clean up the chaos caused by the Lawless Time. We don't know exactly when they rose to power, but considering how clumsily they were handling their godhood at first, it's safe to assume they only gained divinity quite some time AFTER the previous rulers left, and probably rushed to try and fix the world before even fully understanding their powers.
Inexperienced and suddenly given a unimaginable power, they actually handled it all pretty well. Fuck you Mary haters and all those who think they were shit in the early episodes!! Mary haters DNI!! They just rose to power DURING a long-term crisis and they were just one guy with no guidance! But one thing's right - while they still took care to be kind, they were disconnected from the actual civilization. In my opinion, it's partly because obviously their status as a god made it harder to have casual interactions, but also partly because Mary was desperately trying to act 'godly'. Let me explain
They were obviously unsure of their power and role, doubting their own abilities, but they were still the god, protector of people - so they needed to appear strong. Partially to try and convince themselves they're not entirely unfit for the role, and partially to reassure the public. They developed this distant and rather unemotional persona, hiding their face and heart - sure, they were still a 'good and kind god', but they couldn't quite connect. Connection isn't meant for gods. It's mortal.
Quite obviously that put them under a lot of stress. They treated their relationship not as an interaction, an equal exchange, but as a chance to prove themselves to be likeable and get people to revere them. Early season, they were so focused on their role as a god, they completely forgot that they were still partially human, and had human needs. This is where, sadly, I do have to mention a certain character. Yes, I'm talking about sk*w. CW for all of the shit it does in early seasons, trust me guys i hate it just as much as the next person (or even more!!), but it's undeniably an important part of Mary's storyline.
In some ways, Skew is a folly to Mary. While Mary struggles to interact with others, Skew seems to be a natural people magnet. Mary's divinity is forced upon them, and they solemnly decide to accept this life in order to fullfill their duties, Skew ascends fully willing and eager to take up his role. Mary's a good person, and Skew is the definition of evil and problematic. But it can't be denied that he is liked by the other characters, at the very least during the first few seasons. And Mary's jealous.
At that point my poor baby has been working so hard to rebuild civilization, yet they're rarely met with any actual appreciation. The people are clearly evil :(((. And so they try to fit into society, by mimicking the way Skew acts - this is a trend that persists in all of their arcs btw, mimicking others and failing a bit. This is where the whole seemingly random part of them claiming to be evil comes from, in case you non-Mary fans didn't know. But instead of being appreciated, they get ridiculed instead - with Skew as the main perpetrator.
We all know how the evil arc goes. It’s no wonder they target Skew, really. They’ve been bottling up frustration for a long time now, simply pushing forward to do best by their beloved civilization, and when they get attacked by him for trying to fit in, Mary decides to make him.. Just like them. Kind, good and caring – and everyone *hates it*. I think that at first robo-skew represents Mary’s true values, but of course they get twisted as Mary rages on.
And this is where Elocom comes into play!!! My OTP <333 Elocom haters you’re the worst, dni I hope you get exposed and cancelled. Elo’s the only one who stands up for Mary, and they get immediately attached. She’s their most devoted follower, and they’re obsessed with her in turn. Their relationship is definitely incredibly codependent during the evil arc, but that barely lasts after it ends. Mary sees someone who offers them a bit of sympathy and immediately starts showering them with love. They were desperate for this connection, no matter how much they might’ve been denying it.
Which makes it even more tragic when Elo falls.
No matter how much ‘divine wrath’ they instilled upon the world during that arc, this is when Mary finally felt humanity again. Since the day of their ascension (which for all we know could’ve been well over a month ago!!) they’ve been living as a divine being, despite their body still being mortal. Sure, many things changed once they rose to power, but its clear that they haven’t fully transformed. There are changes, and they’re definitely the most powerful of the divine characters we know, but their power level is still oddly close to the lower deities considering their status as Parkour God.
They aren’t fully divine, which isn’t actually something we get much info on, though many visual clues point towards their distaste of fully embracing godhood and god boots being the reason for this. I am absolutely insane about the fact that the writers refuse to elaborate on Mary’s divinity because there’s !! So much we don’t know. I really hope this gets expanded on in the reboot ;(
When Elo falls, Mary doesn’t visit. They lose that one piece of humanity they had, but this time, they’ve tasted enough to realise their yearning for it. And so, the Mark persona is born. It says a lot that we basically know nothing about their life as a pro, and says even more that they themselves barely seem to remember it. Not in a typical way, they do recall people and events, but they fully cannot piece back together the person they used to be. A few of the background characters remark on how Mark has changed, but chuck it up to the chaos of the godless era. They no longer know who they were – in a way, they’re rediscovering themselves in this new role of God alongside the viewers, who have a similar level of knowledge about pre-godhood Mark. Which is pretty much zero.
So, who does Mark end up being? An exaggerated idea of humanity. They’re odd, a bit off-putting, but generally seen as just a bit of a funky and harmless weirdo. Mark tries so hard to blend in by simply repeating the things he’s noticed others like – but by looking solely at the moments which get most attention and laughs, he completely misses the mundane aspects of being mortal. In a way, Mark’s an amazing human disguise when it comes to their odd bits of personality, but they lack the casual and mundane parts, which makes them feel odd and unnatural to others. They’ve forgotten what it’s like to be human, and their notes are faulty.
With both the Mary and Mark side of this character established, it’s time to repeat my point – neither of them are the true Mary. The truth lies somewhere inbetween. ‘Mary’ is them desperately trying to be a god, and ‘Mark’ is them desperately trying to be a human. Their whole issue stems from not being able to fully embrace godhood, being stuck between two worlds with no real place to be. Maybe that’s why there are so many new deities and other divine-esque beings. Maybe Mary’s just observing them, hoping to find a way to exist without fully detaching themselves from their humanity.
To summarize, we know exactly as much about Mary as they do – which is not much. I see many ways for their story to go. They could embrace divinity and gain a higher level of power, or they could do the opposite and forfeit godhood in the name of humanity. Maybe they manage to find a way to exist in this odd space between two worlds they’ve found themselves in. Maybe something completely different will happen. The longer the series goes on, the more the lines between Mary and Mark blur, which makes me believe that it’s building up to some sort of big moment – especially if you remember that no matter how blurred the lines are for us, the characters still act as if Mary and Mark were separate people during the important scenes.
There’s still a lot to be explored about them, and I hope the writers don’t butcher my beloved babygirl :((((( they don’t deserve it!! Skew traumatized them so bad. I hope Elocom is endgame and Skewlocom burns in superhell <3 Also I literally can't stand the people who say they don't "get" Mary like bitch be for real with me!! Their character is literally so easy to understand its sooo annoying like wdym they're complicated. They're literally just stuck between two worlds. That's so simple it's got the number 2 in it, which is a low number. Which means its not complicated. Idiots.
#i cannot fucking believe i just typed that out.#Also guys please keep in mind that while a majority of this post is a genuine mary essay#its still written by my pcfc fan persona which means that they have no media literacy when it comes to literally any other character#and also they're stupid and dumb. heart emoji#anyway thats it for the ooc tags from now on its in character#pcfc#mary pcfc#pcfc mary#unreality#mary haters dni#skew fans dni
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@fushiglow hmm….wonder who i’d draw this for all of a sudden and why… 🤔🤔
#your reblog surprised me#THREE BUNS SUGURU (STAR WARS ER JUST FOR YOU!)#theyre covering riko or smt and smuggling her places (??)#drawing this i was like ‘oh suguru’s curses in a star wars environment should be robots and stuff#so this suguru is a mecanic (he makes them from scrappy parts people have thrown out#and trash materials (and hard work 😎)#diy pokemon#because what is the cursed energy people are letting out if not junk theyre letting go of#so yeah ; basic geto takes shit and turns it useful#i do realise thats already very generic for star wars (junk robots junk robots!) but like. yknow. this guy takes shit people wouldnt bother#trying to sell. miam. junk of the junk. geto my favourite recycling bin you were designed for a luxurious lifestyle clearly (gege not me!)#(and stuff…………. but im lazy to put my vision in words rn hah..)#gojo’s probably a princess#(let’s not lie. hes basically a prince already (clan heir is a different look on him))#this made me want to write ?.??#problem is i dont remember much about star wars (watched it as a kid (we have the cds) appart from the very basic storyline… i forgot 😔#then theres the jawa’s first appearance cuz for some reason they scared me and i am marked for life (THEYRE JUST SILLY LITTLE GUYS 😭😭))#thankfully i lowkey want to rewatch everything so these issues can be fixed#(unthankfully either way the chance of me writing anything is very slim BUT WE NEVER KNOW RIGHT)#(hashtag diverging your attention from that other older post is it working /j/j)#omg glo i still didnt read balance (i think of it from time to time but im intimidated to read it because i know its right up my alley and#that i will love it and lately idk why but i need to ready myself emotionally to read peak fiction (this is so dumb but its true 😭😭))#my bad im rambling lol#WAIT FUCK SAME THING FOR BUNNY’S RECENT THINGY THAT GOT IN MY AO3 UPDATE MAIL#A LOVE STORY TOLD THROUGH THE LENS OF A THIRD PARTY MY BELOVED#(itsg ive searchef for these types of stories in advanced search before#AND NOW THAT I HAVE SOME BY AUTHORS I ALREADY ADORE .. IM- I SEE THEM BUT. THEIR CONTENTS STAY A MYSTERY. IS THIS MY BODY SUBCONSCIOUSLY FI#FIGHTING THE TEAR LOSS I WOULD GET??? IS THIS MFING [BALLING-MY-EYES-OUT] PREVENTION !? WITHOUT MY PERMISSION..!? TCH!)#my bad. ramble again o7 — see ya glo !#wip
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sometimes i remember that most north fans don’t write him as an absolute insane person ethical manipulative girlfriend style and i’m like. what is he even then… just a pleasant white man? you know what. more power to you if you need a pleasant white man for a blorbo but god that could not be me
#most ppl write north as just like. a nice person i think.#i know him though. i know him.#like nork is SUCH a popular ship (at least like. historically) and every time i see it i go ‘haha that would never work’#and then i remember. oh right most ppl write these guys as like. just kind of decent dudes.#nork to me is like. worlds first ethical manipulative girlfriend (not actually ethical) x worlds first manic pixie dream Nice Guy#who both have literally no identity of their own and sure aren’t actually giving each other one#they’d be so miserable…#constant battle of ‘can’t you see what a sacrifice i’m making for you’#neither of them would ever admit anything was wrong. they both think they can fix it forever#just slowly falling apart. it’s fine :) they’re fine :)#n\orkington is even more baffling#i genuinely couldn’t even imagine the dynamic there#like i know it’s pfl uwu baby wash but even still#he’d be so miserable they’d treat him like shit ToT#oh god north/wash. wash run. WASH RUN.#noooo wash my little chameleon you can’t stay with him he’s going to make you his baby bird#he wouldn’t even realize ToT he wouldn’t even know why he’s unhappy. oh god. wash RUNNNNNNN#i just don’t think north should be in a relationship basically#‘what about churchnorth’ okay. let’s be real. do we really think church should be being in a relationship???#their toxicity perfectly cancels each other out into like. something that’s actually good for both of them#wraps all the way back around. horseshoe theory.#okay this has turned into pure rambling. it’s 4am
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Love to torment my sister's do-nothing boyfriend. easiest method is simply doing things to reinforce his belief that my cat is actually my familiar (he is genuinely superstitious to this degree). this is easy for me because my cat is very responsive and easily trained. our recent accomplishment? she is meowing and i say "Cashmere, inside voices" and she pauses and then takes up meowing again...but quieter. Saw my sister's boyfriend struggling really hard not to immediately "call me out" in front of my sister.
#my sister is tired of her boyfriend trying to 'prove' that i'm capable of using magic to curse him#also it's not really a cute fun little 'teehee i'll trick him into thinking i can do magic and have a cool cat familiar'#and more I actively hate this guy#and he truly believes that you can't train cats to do anything beyond using a litterbox#he's also one of those guys who watches sketchy documentaries and weird podcasts and believes weird conspiracy shit#and also like just random stupid shit#the dumbest i've heard so far is that if you have glasses you should stop wearing them#so that your eyes can 'fix themselves'#not sure if there's like some alternative homeopathic bullshit he thinks you should do on top of that#but yeah my astigmatism is not gonna correct itself if i stop wearing my glasses dumbass#there's more but i think you get what i'm working with#all i need to do is teach my cat some simple tricks like 'lower your volume on my signal' and 'go where i point'#and he will start quietly (my sister will not be amused if he brings this up again) flipping his shit#like i'm lucky my cat is really responsive and trainable too. i've taught my cats simple tricks in the past#but i'm more motivated now that i have a purpose for it (riling up my sister's shitty boyfriend)#he just gets so frustrated because he wants to call me out so bad + he knows i'm 'being obvious' on purpose because no one will believe him#and it's true. he'll sound crazy if he tries to convince anyone i'm an actual witch–sorry tumblr witches but i do not believe in witchcraft#and i like to emphasize this by openly saying things to my sister like#'haha almost slept in this morning because Cashmere turned off my alarm so we could cuddle longer'#i previously explained to my sister that she figured out that if she smacks the thing making noise it will stop#so these statements are traps. if he brings up the familiar/witch shit my sister will chew him out#because she already got the 'haha my cat smacks my noisy phone to make it stop' explanation#so him saying 'obviously this is black magic' is not gonna go well for him
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what to talk about in therapy today ... 🤔
#text#neg#i know i should talk about The Trauma but like#i dont know . its just#euck . i dont want anyone to know What Happened except for people who Absolutely Have To#which is like. title 9 guy + the investigator.and thats it#but i also like . dont want to talk about how i Feel bc its the same shit over and over what if talking abt it doesnt help#and i know how itll go ill talk abt it and we'll talk abt coping mechanisms and then the conversation is over and i think this therapy isnt#right for me. which sucks. and i dont want to deal with that right now or ever#And like can i even get better without talking about it. can i even get better at all#like how do i when i have so much older shit to work thru too. its all tied together i cant just heal one part of it i dont think really#and its also like. nothing has really Happened with The Situation this week its just been me getting really scared and really sad#over and over. so i dont have an update or anything for him i just have. yknow. I Feel Sad And Scared And It Wont Stop#and we can talk about coping mechanisms but it wont help bc ill use them in the moment but that just gets me thru the moment#it doesnt get me thru Everything. it doesnt fix the problem#and its also like What does.what does fix the problem#or do i just live like this forever
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literally why am i a perfectionist i actually really dont give a shit
#⚠️#personal#''this drawing sucks everyones going to notice the eye isnt in the exact right spot'' both you and i know we dont fucking care#vent#rant#genuinely cant put into words how much this shit frustrates me#like everytime i draw i just have this stupid little critic in the back of my mind thats like ''this looks like shit you should just quit''#and it drives me crazy#like genuinely shut up#i think all those years on art youtube has just ruined my motivation#like all those art roast videos all those ''DONT DO THIS YOU ARE KILLING YOUR ART'' videos#i think i should just go frolic in a field i think that would fix me#like some of the guys making these kinds of videos are professional artists which just makes it worse for me#cause like i wanna be a professional someday and like having that fear in my mind that they might all look at my art and tear it to shreds#for not being perfect or something just feels so demotivating#like ik its irrational like 100% they would not do that but idk im tired of how harsh art spaces online are#maybe its just the spaces ive been in but from the ones ive been in theyre just so harsh and for what#i genuinely dont get the motivation behind it#what is saying ''dont do this its killing your art'' or ''roasting'' other peoples art doing for anyone#who is that helping#god i have to be up at 9 and its nearly 3 am but like god i need to rant about this just to get it out of my system#ik the whole ''DO NOT DO THIS'' thing probably gets you a lot more views than being like ''how to draw facial expressions'' or whatever#but like still who is that helping#idk maybe its all my years of being told not to do things without a reason why that makes me feel this way but it bothers me#i just worry for younger artists who are growing up on art youtube or are on art tiktok#idk if any of this made sense i cant be bothered reading back through it but i just have a lot of built up frustration towards the more i#guess ''mainstream'' (idk if thats the right word) parts of the art community#honestly idk why im so worried about professional artists who title their videos like ''DONT FUCKING DO THIS OR YOU WILL DIE''#judging my art#i hit the tag limit yippee. if i have more that i think to say ill just add them in a reblog
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how come werewolves of london is on every halloween playlist ever when roland the headless thompson gunner is RIGHT THERE
#they’re playing Halloween Music on the radio rn lol and I am once again asking for roland to be included#werewolves of london is. fine idk. I have no opinion about it.#but fuck me up with the ghost ballad lmao I love that shit#I need more ghost ballads hmmmm#in my heart I am tempted to call in and request it but I am far too anxious so I will just listen on my own later lol#also it is fun to noodle around with on the piano but I am at home rn#my beautiful clavinova come back to meeeee#thinking about my dad being like ‘it’s mine because I paid for it’ like you don’t even know how to play my guy fuck off#also it’s at my house lmao#I still have to get it fixed blehhh. two keys got damaged somehow when we were moving and I’ve just been pretending not to notice#the high c doesn’t matter but the d is super annoying. can’t even play czerny. or scales lmao#I should stay playing again. I miss when it was fun to play#most of the time it kind of sucked to play but idk. I miss the times it was fun
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Lae'zel's character and her entire situation at the beginning of the game becomes so much more funny when you find out she's 22. It makes so much sense. Imagine you're 22 and you're exposed to this dangerous toxin or chemical or something - but not to worry, you learnt that this can be easily fixed, you just need to dial 911 real quick. Common knowledge. Everyone knows that. You learnt that in kindergarten, it's up there with fire alarm drills.
But the people you're stuck with have no concept of modern medicine and when you say "let's go to the hospital" they will say shit like "i think they kill people at the hospital" and "we should ask this swamp lady" or "this guy over there told me about this homoeopathic healer kind of guy but he got abducted" or "this random bard wants to help" and "I'm not going to dial 911 because I don't want the government to know my home address" or "maybe we should consider a deal with Satan". And then a bunch of them KEEP consuming the chemical because it makes them "stronger". One guy might explode for unrelated reasons. You have a few days before this situation is getting critical and suddenly they're solving crime and doing general charity for the community.
And FOR SOME REASON you still try to help these idiots and you STILL want to help them get the cure even though they all keep insisting the "doctors" at the "hospital" might try to "kill them" and they don't have insurance. And you keep telling them to just. go. to. the. hospital. before the time runs out and you all die very horribly of a very treatable condition.
And also you're 22 in a foreign country and you're responsible for shepherding this gaggle of idiots who are all ranging anywhere from 24 to 240 years old.
#you have to consider the fact that she has no reason to doubt or question the Creche as the easy fix for her problems.#Go there. Get Purified. Done.#and she even wants to make sure that this lot gets treated too. Honestly she is so good to them by Gith standards it's insane#baldur's gate 3#lae'zel
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i do need 2 work on rewiring my brain so that my immediate very first thought whenever i dont do a small task (like brushing ny teeth taking a shower picking up my room etc) isnt 'We Should Kill Connor ." this would be pretty good for me to do. putting this on the list
#its difficult. i used to be rly good abt not doing kms type jokes bc i did when i was younger and then i stopped bc of um . stuff#nd i think it rly was good for me nd then ykw started making them a LOT and now i do them constantly and ik itis bad for me like. as a guy#whos been suicidal since i was 7. yk. ik itisnt good for me but its hard#idk. i need 2 try 2 stop making them again. like idt ppl who make them r evil I personally dont tend to use them very seriously#it rly is judt a like. Ugh something annoying happened i should kms. but like. witht he we should kill connor joke its Less and less a joke#and more just feeding into ummmmm. the bad parts of my thing that i have to be vague abt so ppl dont worry.#Im not planning anything its not that. its just a belief i have that is ummm concerning to many but very comforting to me and keeps me sane#but i dont like 2 talk abt it . bc ppl tend to get worried its rly not anything that bad its judt likeee. I know that thing is true and#there isnt anything i can do to stop it from happening so i made peace with it ages ago and its comforting that i dont have 2 like. worry#abt whatll happen bc ik whatll happen#sry im being vague ive like. i think ive mentioned it a couple times and ppl get very concerned (my old psych literally told me verbatim#That sounds so terrifying.) and likeee. there have been times its scared me a lot like i can remember a few times i woke up having a panic#attack bc i didnt want to do it but i know thats whatll happen and its fine. but it wont be any time soon#it keeps me from doing anything honestly bc like. why rush FJFNFJNFNik itll happen eventually no matter what i do so even when it gets bad#enough i think abt it im like. yk. it helps. i kind of lost a bit of vagueness. please dont worry abt it fr like. it keeps me sane it keeps#me calm. but anyways i say all this to sayyyy that like. idk it might be a while b4 i commit to trying to stop making jokes like that just#bc like. i have a lot of other stuff abt me i need 2 fix first but i think it would probably be good for me if i stopped. sigh. which suck#bc like its been said time and time again that like. Im going to kms is just like. it encapsulates feelings very well there r like no other#exclamations that fit. aside from the like. Krill my shellfish type things but thats the reason i slipped back into just saying kms in rhe#first place so. UGH. and theres so many fucking stupid tjmblr ones. like no im not going to sub Kys for Go step on a lego >_< bc like... im#not 1. 5 or 2. 27. the 2 ages i think ppl would say shit like that.#sry my vendetta against 27 year olds is neverending idk i just dont like whatever happens to tumblr users of dhat age. ive mentioned it#several times inwont go into it and im probably near out of tags anyway#ive got 7 more spend em wisely one supposes. idk. its just difficult. ik its judt words and shit and im sure i cn come up with good#alternatives. theres judt like not any rhat r like the same vibe without also reinforcing My stuff in an unhealthy way. idk. idkk#like not that making kms jokes is gonna make me do it anytime soon but like yk . ik i cant blame my self loathing spike on this alone#bc ive like. Beeeeeeeen going through some stuff thats contributing way more#but i do think before i started making these jokes again my self loathing and like. rhe amt of time i thought abt it was less . idk#sui ment#<- jic i tried not to be like. too much. but you know
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and we’ve had this convo before of speak to me before you include me in stuff but it never sticks and it won’t till i move out :///
#personal#and i cannot believe her answer to me asking for a general idea of when i can get my 260#FROM THE BEGINNING OF THIS YEAR!!!!#was ig i can pay you back 50#like this started as a loan from my brother she doesn’t speak to#who i’m in weird relations with#and then not fucking paying him back when she said she would#and me eventually paying it off#and it’s been MONTHS.#i straight up asked should i just expect to not get this back#no wrong answer i just need to know and if so i cant borrow money from either of my brothers from you#and i’m waiting for her to give me shit for that bc i get to tell her she actively made my relationship with my brother she loaned money#from#worse :)#bc she freaks when i say we haven’t talked much since the dad thing bc of how he treated me#and she’ll be like you guys had such a good relationship and you need to fix it you’re all you guys have when i’m gone#like my siblings and i getting along is so important for my mother and has been since i was a kid#but she actively made my relationship with that brother worse through forcing me to interact and ask for money before we were#even talking normally since everything#and then she’s ruining my reletionshop with ben bc he come stop#comes to town and treats me so awfully just bc he’s home that i dread his visits home#if it’s ending up with someone trying to attack me or my property it’s ending with my mom describing in a new way how much she hates me#cause my brother is home
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#yeah so I'm absolutely having a breakdown#which sucks because ive been doing alright for awhile#and it makes sense tbh#not to invalidate myself#so many things that are outside of my control have gone wrong recently#someone tried to steal my car again and I'm fixing it myself because I can't afford to bring it somewhere#and the job that would change my life keeps ghosting me#and I need to let my landlord know about renewing my lease yesterday (literally yesterday i was supposed to) but im waiting on this job#and money is tight#and my insurance is stalling on covering my migraine meds#to get a 3 day supply is >100$ through the lowest discount card#and to get a full month supply costs more than my rent at its cheapest#so I've been mostly in pain and lowkey confused as the drug works its way out of my system#and I'm on my period which destabilized because i had to come off my birth control for the first time in years (due to the migraines)#I watched a car flip the other night#and if that weren't enough I can't stop remembering the last time i saw a car flip and two people died on impact#and my dad was dragging bodies out of the car on fire#...we had been driving to the ER because I had tried to kill myself again#all I could think was that it should have been me#and I slept with a guy at work which was fine neither of us wanted it to be a thing#but now he's seeing this new girl that works with us and they're making my life hell about it#and I just don't have a single friend or anyone I feel is there for me#I never get to have that and I don't know why#literally no one gives a shit I could say I'm dying ij this room and it still wouldn't be as important as some guy so and so is pining after#I don't matter unless im useful#I feel like I'm screaming and no one can hear me#fuck this man we were doing so good there for a bit#Genuinely afraid im reaching a breaking point I'll never recover from
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this got away from me
#i wish i was a rich pretty guy or something but instead im a regular looking regular guy with parents that earn regular money#i was born to be one of those annoying bratty rich kids who dont work ever. that should be me#or something. i complain about work constantly but guys i do not want to go to school. i dont. i dont. i dont i dont. i dont i dont and i#dont know what to do about it. its spring. ive got like a month to figure out how im getting out of this#im not doing this i cannot do this. i cant i cant i cant. im so stressed i can tell im so stressed bc im getting acne and my eczema is awfu#its only a matter of time before i break out in hives or some shit i cant do it i cant do it. i cant. i cant#god everything is really getting to me. i cant i dont have a place here i dont i have no purpose in life and everyone just wants me to act#like. thats not true bc um. well! haha what are you gonna do! haha its fine. keep moving forward. ignore your anxiety and the fact that#everything makes you miserable constantly. and even the things that make you happy make you miserable. ignore that#go to college. normal ppl go to college :) no you want to sleep all day because youre not doing anything. which is a personal failure.#you should instead do something that makes you miserable. thatll fix it. dont kill yourself thats stupid. you have so much to live for! lik#um. well youre supposed to live. so. ignore yknow everything in the world and push forward. bc it will get better! once um.#um. yknow. you graduate in 8 years? be a dentist…. um bc. you like teeth. and it makes money. and well you need the money! youre going to#college!!!! you need that money to pay for it after all. dont think about it dont think about it dont think about it dont think about it#its okay we’ll do everything we can to make it cheaper. to do the thing you dont want to do at all even a little bit. no dont kill yourself#you have so much to live for! a career in something youve never been interested in! or yknow a different career youre not interested in#i dont want to kill myself!!! i dont want to kill myself i want something to fucking live for!!!!!! a want a life that doesnt make me feel#like i have to kill myself!!!!!!!!!!#simons spouting#vent :(#suicide //
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Class was literally fine btw
#i don’t know how i managed to forget how these things work. like. NO shade to my classmates bc they are great thus far#but i forgot how there is literally always somebody who knows less than you do#or less than i do at least. rip to the people who know the least#there’s also people who know more than me but tbh they have knowledge i don’t think i even really need#like there’s a motherfucker in this class who knows the hexadecimal values for many colours just off the top of his head#ARE YOU WELL???????#but i didn’t feel left behind or completely lost. well. until we got into the stuff during the last ten minutes#i was a little bamboozled when my guy pulled up a diagram; i won’t lie to you. but i saw he linked some resources to look at#so i’m going to go through all of those and hopefully understand better#i think i should put together a study plan for myself so i don’t get completely lost#so tomorrow i want to rest because i have physio and i know she’s going to fuck me up#(in order to fix me. but like…. she IS going to fuck me up)#i’m going to do my exercises and shit but other than that i’m not moving my body#friday i’ll go through the resources and then saturday and sunday i’ll work on and submit my assignment#if i feel motivated to do something extra i also have my python stuff to look at. plus the freecodecamp course i’m doing#if i don’t feel motivated to do anything extra it’s literally fine#i think when i was anxious earlier it was because i literally forgot that the purpose of doing a course is that i’m LEARNING something#like they wanted us to know the basic fundamentals but we don’t have to know everything. we’re LEARNING. it’s a COURSE#it was such a relaxed environment as well and very nonjudgemental#overall i’m feeling good about proceeding with this. not sure what i’m going to do for my assignment. maybe just show off a bit#personal
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YES to almost all of this, the only exception being that currently I cannot stand "Plan 99." After forcing myself through (I think) four rewatches, I'm done. I can't watch that episode again. It's literally the only Star Wars episode/movie on my "do not watch" list (the fact that I can watch AotC over this just goes to show how drastic this is!) And the thing is, I WANT to be able to stomach watching it again, so I hope Lucasfilm brings Tech back soon.
So anyway, Tech lives...
One of the slightly frustrating things about the entire Tech situation is that if Tech comes back, “Plan 99” would immediately skyrocket into being one of my top ten favorite episodes. I thought it was an incredible episode when if first aired, and I still think that now, but thinking that is entirely conditional on it being a fakeout—not a death that gets reversed later, but a fakeout specifically. It doesn’t read as a death to me. As a departure and a separation, sure, but not as a death. And if a temporary separation is what it is then, well, I think it’s pretty remarkable as both a fakeout and an episode.
But only if that’s what it is. That I’m none too keen on this particular character dying and his death being treated like that aside, and not to be a broken record, but it doesn’t really work as a main character death. At all. As a main character death it’s staggeringly bad, and bad in a unique way that never gets better or less weird as we move through season three.
So even though I’m basically ride or die on the Tech Lives train at this point, Tech isn’t back yet, so I can’t really like “Plan 99.” But I don’t hate it yet, either. It’s sort of floating off in this nether space until I know one way or another for sure what I think of it. And that’s frustrating because I’d like do be able to do one or the other.
#I would actually like to like this episode so#I’d like it to be deeply moving rather than just depressing AF#reason 20000 tech should come back#and to clarify part of the reason I would end up coming back around to really liking plan 99 if Tech comes back#is because I would see it as coming around to subvert a few tropes#subverting the genuinely harmful bury your disabled tropes#and subverting the expectation that the best thing a clone can do is die for his people#we just went through and entire season where what the batch NEEDED was Tech#not just get shit done but to#you know#heal and be whole#Omega and Hunter are okay but the group ends the series still broken BECAUSE Tech’s not there#so how’s about we let this guy live for his people instead#make him coming back have more impact than ‘dying’ did#(not hard to do since that had little to no narrative impact in the first place)#and make living the most important choice he could make#I would love plan 99 if it turns out it was setting something like that up#< previous tags#the bad batch#tbb tech#tech lives#seriously the only way lucasfilm can fix the travesty that season 3 ended up being is by bringing tech back#so#anytime now
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