#if i feel motivated to do something extra i also have my python stuff to look at. plus the freecodecamp course i’m doing

[fingertipsmp3]

Class was literally fine btw

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #338

“i can’t decide if you’re wearing me out, or wearing me well”

Are you a fan of techno? I've gotten more into it lately, actually. I've never minded it. Who’s your favorite horror movie villain/monster? Pyramid Head, though he's called Red Pyramid Thing in the movies. Do you have a favorite muscle car? Nah. I'm not big into cars. What would be a total deal-breaker for you, relationship-wise? You so much as lift your hand at me, bye, motherfucker. Would you consider yourself to be accepting of others? Yes, but not as much as I used to be. There are certain opinions I just don't tolerate in people anymore; I feel like by staying associated with people whose views invalidate or in any way harm others (racism, homophobia, transphobia, etc.), you're on the side of evil as well, even if indirectly. However, I genuinely do feel I have a wide range of viewpoints I'm willing to accept in others, even if I don't agree with them. Are you flirtatious? No. I think I'm only capable of flirting with someone I'm already with and very comfortable around. I'd feel way too shy and awkward otherwise. Have you ever just felt "drawn" to someone, but you didn’t know why? "Didn't know why," no. I've felt drawn to people with good reason, like if I was romantically interested in them. Is there anyone you currently want to reach out to? There's a number, honestly. Especially with the aid of therapy, I'm being motivated to strengthen bonds with old friends and/or acquaintances via Facebook. Freddy or Jason? I think Jason is scarier. Freddy tends to come across as cheesy for me. Have stickers or gems on your cell phone? Nah. Ever teased your hair? Bitch I damn well tried in high school because I wanted the ~ l e g i t ~ emo hair, but mine was just too heavy to hold, at least with the hairspray my sister had. Have any friends with benefits? Nah, that's never been my thing. Ever lost of bunch of valuable information? Ummm I don't believe so. I've lost massive RP posts before, but I can't really call those "valuable information." What drinks or food make you hyper? None, really. Most expensive thing you ever bought? With my own money, my snake. She's a champagne morph ball python. What type of toothpaste do you use? Crest. How much time to spend putting on makeup daily? Zero. When listening to a song, what do you listen for (lyrics, bass, beat, ect)? The beat, more than anything else. What is the color of your toothbrush? It's a white electric one. What is your favorite color(s) of eye-makeup? Black. Just black. Are you sexually active? I'm not. Do you have sensitive skin? Very. Are you attracted to several guys atm? I'm actually not attracted to any guys in my personal life atm. How many toilets are in your house? Two. Do you have an older sister? Excluding the one I don't know, I have three older sisters. Favorite song by Owl City? Probably "Hot Air Balloon," but I don't know many at all. What color is your mum’s car? White. Do you truly understand the (LDS) Mormon religion? I don't know what "LDS" means, but as my former best friend developed into a Mormon, I learned some stuff from her in her self-discovery. I don't remember a lot of it, not that I knew all that much in the first place. Where do you keep your kitty litter box? Ugh, Mom's unmovable about it being in my fucking room for some reason. And we have an extra goddamn room no one uses yet. Roman's shit STINKS, like we think something might actually be wrong, but nope, it has to stay in here. e_e It would literally inconvenience nobody if we moved it in the spare room. Are you a lighter complexion than your father? MUCH lighter. He's very tan. Do you like apricots? No. Solid soap bar or liquid body wash? 100% body wash. Bar soap slips so easily, and as someone who lives with another person, I'm not rubbing my body with the same bar my mother uses, no offense to her. Sharing it's just gross. Where do you live (country or state)? Shitty 'ole North Carolina. Do you use plastic, wooden, or wire hangers? I think we have a mix of them, actually. What is your favorite shade of yellow? I only like pastel yellow. Otherwise, it's one of my least favorite colors. Are there any shades of blue that you don’t like? If so, which ones? Ehhh not really. What is something you want to accomplish before you turn 30? God, can I please have a stable career by then. Who has the best decorated house in your town? I don't know. We live in a cul de sac community thing where it's just houses next to houses, so there's a lot to choose from. I don't pay attention to them. What is your favorite part of Halloween? The decorations. Do you feel a connection to the moon? "As above, so below," as the saying goes. What does your heart long for? Peace and contentness with myself. Did you decorate a pumpkin this year? Last year, I didn't. I do want to this year, though, if I can just think of a really good idea. I have to be motivated. What are some fall activities you would do with your kids? I'm not having kids, but I'll follow along, hypothetically. With how much joy Halloween brought me as a kid, I'd want to do SO much as a family with them. Homemade decorations, carving or painting pumpkins together, and hell yeah I'd be taking them trick-or-treating once I felt they were ready and they wanted to. I'd be one of those parents that probably spends too much on whatever costumes they want, haha... Oh, and then besides Halloween, I'd certainly rake leaf piles together for them to jump and play in. This question has brought to mind like ONE thing I could enjoy as a parent, haha. Have you ever seen a fox? I have; besides in a zoo setting, I've seen one or two in the wild run out of sight, and I also found one poor fellow as roadkill that had been disemboweled by I'm assuming vultures. With my whole roadkill photography thing, I literally almost kneeled into a strand of intestines I didn't see at first. :x What color are the squirrels where you live? We only have brown ones. Is there anything about Halloween you find offensive? lol no What do the trees look like where you live? Lots, and lots, and LOTS of pine trees... There are others, but I'm not well-informed on tree species and such. Oh, then of course there are dogwoods (our "state tree"), which are unmistakable because they smell like fucking manure. What is your dream vacation? Maybe the mountains on the western side of NC during the fall... ugh, that would be breathtaking. We actually have an abandoned The Wizard of Oz-themed park around there that allows tours at certain times of the year, and I'd love to visit and photograph there. As well, western NC has the zoo, which would be spectacular to visit with autumn weather and, once again, load up on photos. Did you like field trips when you were a kid? I LOVED field trips. Do you find museums boring or interesting? Very interesting! Would you ever wear a shirt with your country’s flag on it? No. I'm not patriotic enough at all for that. What’s a medicine that makes you sleepy? Historically, larger doses of Klonopin can knock me the fuck out. Do you like bath bombs? Never used one, because I don't do baths. Who are your favorite small YouTubers? I'm going to guesstimate you mean less than 1M subs as "small," because I really don't know what you consider to fit that description. I watch a lot of people with less than 1M, so it's hard to say, but lately it's probably been a let's player John Wolfe. He's really funny. Then there's some tarantula YouTubers, along with the animal educator Emzotic... and really just many others. I think most of the people I watch actually have sub-1M, but more than 500k. Who are your favorite big YouTubers? Markiplier is absolutely, positively #1. I also really enjoy Snake Discovery, GameGrumps, Jeffree Star (don't judge me ok, he's a fuckin hoot), and while I haven't watched them in years, Good Mythical Morning will ALWAYS be deeply, deeeeply embedded in my heart. What was your favorite girl group when you were growing up? Ummm probably the Spice Girls? Have you ever used an outhouse? Ugh, yes, at old childhood sports games. What was the last good cause you donated towards? When I cut off like 8+ inches of hair to accomplish the style I have now, I donated it to Children With Hair Loss. My hair has always been mega-thick and healthy, so why in the world waste it? One of my most cherished items is the certificate I got in return many months later that my donation had been used. Have any of your exes gotten married or had kids since your breakup? I haven't had contact with Juan in many years, don't know what Tyler's up to either, and I haven't spoken to Jason since 2017, so. I'm very doubtful he's married or has kids yet, though, just knowing him and how "I need to be fully prepared for this" he is with big life stuff like that. Does it bother you when people get super emotional? Not at all. I'll do my all to comfort them. Have you ever worked in a restaurant? No. Do you get a lot of thunderstorms where you live? Depends on the time of year. Summertime? Brief but super intense thunderstorms every late afternoon. What was the last drive-thru you went through? Taco Bell w/ Mom. Do you know anyone who claims they can see/feel spirits or other supernatural ‘things?’ No. Do either of your parents have a mental illness? My mom has depression, and Mom is also convinced Dad has either depression masked as anger and/or bipolarity, but following the divorce, I don't see it in him at all. He's never seen a doctor in that field to be diagnosed with any mental illness. What fun things are there to do where you live? Jackshit. Do you know anyone with a really poorly-trained dog? Mother of fucking god, yes. My little sister lives with her best friend, and said friend has a colossal black lab named Hudson that is absolutely uncontrollable because she neglects the shit out of him. Won't listen to you even if it saved his life. He jumps on you, barks endlessly, and if he escapes the house? Good fucking luck getting him inside. She has absolutely no right to own a dog with how shitty of an owner she honestly is. When you were growing up, did your family rent or own your home? They owned it. The idiots who were moving in after us accidentally burnt the place to a fucking crisp, and my parents were SO not happy to lose that house because people were dumb enough to place boxes atop the goddamn stove. Do you do meal-prepping? No. Do you know anyone who got preggo less than a year into their relationship? Multiple people, not that that's my business. What did you dream about last night? I don't remember it clearly, other than I was with Jason and his mother was also present. What's the biggest age difference you've ever had in a relationship? That would have been with Juan, but I don't remember exactly how old he was. I just know I was a freshman and him a senior that got held back a year or so in HS. If you could save one animal from ever becoming extinct, what animal would you pick? Probably bees, given how vital they are. Name the coolest thing about one of your grandparents. My maternal grandmother worked at Disney World. I can't remember what her position was, though. Do you ever eat peanut butter straight from the jar? If I want a healthy snack, sometimes I'll have a scoop. Do you prefer your clothes loose or close fitting? They need to be loose. Favorite thing you’ve ever painted? This big painting of meerkats grooming on burlap I did in high school. Do you always wear a bra? I question the self-love of anyone who can sleep with a bra on. ;__; Do you normally finish one book before starting another? Oh yes, I can't read more than one at a time. Do you prefer reading books, comic books, manga/graphic novels, magazines, or the newspaper? The normal book. Do you know how to play chess? I don't. Are you watching anything? No, but I do have Manson's "Third Day of a Seven Day Binge" on in another tab. What is your blood type? A-. Has anyone ever borrowed something from you and never returned it? Yes. Do you twitch when you're falling asleep? Dude, I more than "twitch." I can just suddenly spaz out and look like I'm seizing for a moment. Another side effect of my nightmare suppressant medication. Are any of your pets “overweight”? No. Has anyone ever bought you a ring? My mom has bought me a few, and Jason gave me one for one of our anniversaries. Where was the last place you took a bath/shower, other than your own house? My sister's place. What first attracted you to the last person you kissed? Just how unique and happy that way she is. And her pretty much undying loyalty. Has someone ever taken a pic of you while you were making out with someone? No, considering I wouldn't go that far with someone unless we were alone. Had a crush on someone you thought shared your sexuality, turns out didn’t? Yes. What’s your favorite color to wear? Black. Does it gross you out if a guy has hair on his chest? I personally don't find an excess of it attractive, but it doesn't "gross me out." If they bathe themselves just like everyone else, why should it? Do you think sexuality is a choice or not? It is absolutely not a choice. If it was, I'd assume most people would choose to be straight, given phobias, hatecrimes, etc... I could write an essay on this. Do you like industrial piercings? Yeah. Do you think stretched ears are disgusting? "Disgusting" is, once again, the wrong word. Gauges don't really gross me out - hell, I want tiny ones -, but they can reach a size that, to me, is not visually appealing. Did you watch animated Barbie movies when you were little? I do remember loving Princess and the Pauper as well as the Rapunzel one; my sister was addicted to them. Oh yeah! Then there was the Swan Lake one that she adored, too. We usually watched movies together. Do you like fruit in your cereal? Big No. Do you like raw vegetables? Ugh, no. Do you listen to A Day to Remember? I do! They're on my list of faves. Do you like funnel cake? I actually don't. Have you ever been with someone while they were getting a tattoo? Yuh.

[iwillbeinmynest]

Hold On Loosely - Biker!Steve x Reader (f)    Chapter 5

Authors Notes:  If you’d like to be tagged please send me an ask. I keep better track of tags that way.

Word Count: 1.5k

Special Thanks: Here’s to @itsanerdlife for fueling my Biker obsession and being my Beta for this whole thing. To my girl over at @girl-next-door-writes who also beta’ed for me. And an extra shout out to @bettercallsabs for this beautiful graphic. She is amazing and y’all need to check her out!!

Notes/Warnings: (My notes and warnings are for the story as a whole. Some notes and Warnings will not apply to every chapter.) smoking (I do not support smoking. keep your lungs clean y’all.) drinking, (be of age, don’t be stupid) minor violence, backstabbing, attempted murder, anxiety, stress, mentions of death, car accident, trauma, …I think that’s it. let me know if I’ve missed something.

Master List

Chapter 5

Somehow, over several hours of debating, Y/N had managed to get Nat on board with her going home. It came with strings attached, though. For the first few nights there would be someone to stay with her, in case whoever hit the house came back.

 “Nat, that really isn’t necessary.” Y/N tried to reason. “It was a crime of opportunity. I was gone too long. I’m sure that’s all.”

 “That’s not how we see things. Everything happens for a reason. I’m sending boys to watch you.” Nats arms were crossed tightly over her chest as she leaned back  in her leather office chair, daring Y/N to keep arguing. This was the office that the club used for Church, where they met and discussed matters of the club.  Bucky, Steve, Sam, Clint and Wanda sat in too.

 “To be honest, I’m not really comfortable with that, Nat. I’ve only met a few of you and I don’t want men I don’t know in the house with me.”

 “You think my boys are going to try something?” Bucky’s eyebrows shot up like he was on the brink of being offended.

 “No,” Y/N answered quickly. “It’s not that. I just… I haven’t...There hasn’t been another guy at that house overnight since Danny.” She’d rushed the words out, obviously embarrassed. 

 Nat straightened. Now she understood. “Look, Y/N, it doesn’t take much to become family around here and there are some of us,” she looked up at Steve, who sat to Y/N’s right, “Who think that you should be a part of this one.”

 “But you told me that to be a part of the family you gotta marry in.” Y/N was confused. She’d only known them for a few days and they already wanted her to stay?

 “There can be exceptions.” Bucky clarified.

 “Why are you doing this for me?” Y/N asked.

 “Because,” Nat glanced back at Steve, who’s expression was a stoic plea for discretion. “I like you, Wanda likes you and...you need people who care about you. People who would do anything for you the second you need it. People who don’t abandon you at parties.” Nat smirked at the last part and waited for Y/N’s reaction.

 She rolled her eyes. “Enough about Mandie already. I get it, she’s awful.” She chuckled.

 “It’s just for a few nights,” Wanda added in comfort. “It will send a message that you’re with us and not to be messed with. Then you can go about things as usual. Except on Monday nights, Monday nights you’re with me and Nat for girls night.” She smiled.

 “I’ll have Steve stay with you for the week.” Bucky said.

 Steve, Nat and Y/N looked at Bucky with wide eyes. 

 “He’s someone you know and I trust him. Plus he’s our top in security, He’ll know what to look for and teach you how to make sure you’re safe.” Bucky explained, although Steve and Nat guessed his ulterior motives.

 Y/N took a moment before saying, “Yeah, okay.” She could see she wasn’t going to get out having someone there so she’d rather just end the debate.

 “Good, It’s settled.” Nat clapped her hands and stood from the table. “You and Steve can ride over and I’ll send your stuff with Sam later.”

 Y/N shook her head and looked to Wanda with wide eyes. “What just happened?” She whispered.

 “Hey, You got at least half of what you wanted. I’ve seen her stonewall men two times the size of Bucky. You should count your blessings, sugar.” Wanda winked.

*********

 Steve held out a helmet to Y/N, “Ready?” 

 She took it with a shake of her head. “Why can’t we take the bronco again?” 

 Steve swung a leg over and got onto his bike The cherry red paint glimmering in the early afternoon sun.”Because Clint needs it to pick up supplies for the kitchen.”

 “Then why are we going to my house so early?” She sat on the back behind him then scooted closer.

 “You ask too many questions.”

  Y/N couldn’t see his face to know if he was serious or not but she kept quiet anyways. She wrapped her arms around his stomach and she felt his rough hands move them up to his chest. He cranked the bike and took off before Y/N had time to brace herself.

  A few stop lights in, Steve pried her hands apart, placing each one to wrap under his arms and hold his shoulders. “Still got that python grip, huh?” He shouted over the bikes engine.

 “Sorry. It just feels like you’re going really fast.”

 “I’m not gonna let anything happen to you. Promise.”

 There was something in his voice that helped calm her. Sure, she was still nervous on the bike but she wasn’t nervous because of him. 

 It wasn’t until they past the street towards her house that she realized he had a different plan for them. But when he pulled up to Jacques’ Place, she was truly surprised.

 “What are we doing here?” She asked as she took off her helmet. It was a kind of expensive restaurant and neither of them were dressed for it.

 Steve twisted on the bike to grin at her. “Oh, we aren’t.” He stepped off the bike and held out her hand. “Our reservation isn’t until five-thirty. But we’re going next door to buy you something.”

 “I told you I don’t want Nat buying me any-”

 “It’s not from Nat,” He turned before he could blush in front of her. “I’m buying. Just come on.” He grabbed her hand and pulled her behind him. 

 “Steve,” She started to tug back but his grip got stronger so she kept walking. “I don’t want you spending on me, I really appreciate the-”

 Steve turned short on her. “Y/N, please. Let me do this one thing. It doesn’t have to be expensive, promise.”

 Steves expression was the softest she’d ever seen on a man like him. His hand went from gripping around her wrist to weaving between her fingers. She nodded and he smiled slightly.

  “I know we haven’t known each other long so I hope you don’t you don’t think I’m being weird but, Wanda said I should take you shopping because ‘Girls like that’.” He shrugged.

 Y/N didn’t respond, she was too focused on her hand in his. On the one hand she wanted to pull away, only Danny’d ever held her hand like that but, then again, Danny was gone and she was starting to have feelings for Steve. She was so torn and she didn’t know what to do.

 Steve held the door and she stepped inside the local boutique.

 Steve rubbed the back of his neck. “You can pick whatever you like, I guess.” 

 He released her hand and she began to wander around the little shop. It wasn’t long before she stopped in front of the jewelry counter. She fiddled with a few pieces but kept coming back to a simple silver bracelet with a red motorcycle charm.

  “You’ve got good taste.” He smirked as he leaned back on the counter beside her. “You want it?”

  She tilted her head, “No, it’s thirty-two dollars. Kinda seems ridiculous for one charm.”

  “But you like it.”

  “Yeah but-”

  “We’ll take this one.” He waved over an employee. 

 The clerk came over and Steve gave her the price tag. He gently lifted Y/N’s hand until it rested on his chest and he put the bracelet on for her.

 Steve grinned down at Y/N and she couldn’t fight the spread of the smile on her lips.

  “You’re a pain.” She smirked.

 “But you still like me.” He leaned in to tease her and she’d accidentally done the same. They both stopped before their faces could collide but it didn’t stop the brushing of noses.  Y/N flushed red and Steve jerked back.

 “I’m sorry.” Steve said and made his way to the checkout counter where the bracelet was waiting with the clerk. He quickly paid and waved Y/N over.

 He didn’t look at her as he held the door open so, she just walked on past him and towards the bike. She was on the fence before but, almost kissing Steve, or whatever that was, confirmed one thing. She didn’t feel guilty about moving on.

 Steve however was kicking himself. He was getting too comfortable with her. She was committed to Danny and he was just setting himself up for disappointment. He groaned internally when he remembered the dinner reservations Nat had made for them. Why’d she have to pick a place that was the town’s romantic staple? If Y/N gets the wrong idea she might pull away from him and he didn’t want that. 

 He was just getting used to the idea of having her around, he didn’t want to push her away because he couldn’t control his feelings.

********

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[draconiium]

2, 9, 18!

                                                                 roleplay munday [ x ]

2. are there any muses you have wanted to write for, but would be scared to try?

i said alm and ( situationally ) lukas, right? continuing with the SoV train, i think python. he was a character that really appealed to me in the game right from his character art, before i even knew anything about him. and then the more i got into him, the more i loved him, from his lackadaisical and dismissive demeanor to his surprising skills of perception and honest, common sense. on that note, his support with clive is by far my favorite support in the game. 

i think my issue with wanting to play him is that, although his character overall is very relatable to me and god i just like.........feel him on a spiritual level, i don’t think i could do his voice very well. he talks in a very particular way, and i don’t think i could get across his python......ness to the degree it has to be done in order to be properly python. ahh, if only, though.

9. what’s one character trait you have in common with your muse? one trait you don’t have in common?

i did zeiss, so ig i’ll do leif haha. leif and i have so much in common that it’s incredible, honestly haha. aside from the depressing traits, we both feel really hard? i mentioned this about him in an earlier ask, but he just feels emotions really intensely, which is something i share. it’s interesting cause i don’t cry very easily when i’m sad or whatever, but i’m sort of really Extra about every emotion. i’m never lowkey. i don’t think i know what chill is. sometimes i have to stop in the middle of walking places because i’m just hit with a huge wave of emotion and it’s not even any emotion in particular -- i’m not happy or sad it’s just like..... intensity. 

fight on, little leif.

i do not, however, have leif’s incredible tenacity and determination. i tend to give up on things easily, and if i’m beaten down because i failed at something, yeah probably not gonna give it a second go. he’s also motivated by spite and by other people telling him he can’t do something. “yeah well i’ll show you!” i am decidedly not. someone tells me i can’t do something and i’m more likely to be like yeah you’re probably right.

18. what is your writing process? do you work in bursts of inspiration or have set times for writing? do you start drafts at the beginning or jump around? do you edit?

i pretty much make myself write every day if i can, with a typical goal of 3 non-ooc posts per day on whichever blog i’m working on. sometimes i reach it; sometimes i don’t; sometimes i smash past it with flying colors. so in that sense i like to keep a regimen of cycling through my blogs and making sure i do something every day. honestly, if i relied on bursts of hella inspiration to do stuff, i’d probably just never get anything done because i’m just so lazy.

i open up a draft, and go from beginning to end straight, and then post it when i’m done. i don’t make notes for my ideas; i don’t do some parts of a reply first; and i personally cannot stomach leaving a draft half-finished so if i start it, i’ve gotta finish it in one sitting or else it’s going to drive me haywire.

the only editing i do ( and this is gonna sound really silly ) is adding in / taking out / adjusting a word here and there for the sole purpose of making the lines as even as possible LMAO. it’s not even because i don’t think it sounds right or something; it’s just because i hate the fact that the dashboard doesn’t have a text justify option and if my lines aren’t all as close to the end of the window as possible before they cut off,  i can’t deal with it. 

i’ll also sometimes merge or break up paragraphs if only is too grossly long or short and it messes up how the shape of the reply looks as a whole. aesthetics drive me crazy and are 100% the only reason i do any editing at all.

[fixthedisconnect]

The Beginning

tl;dr

Trying to improve myself

In haiku form, son!

This is me. Lying on a couch. Down and out. Well maybe not out but definitely not in and very much down. If life were a game, I’m currently AFK. Discouraged. Disheartened. An argument could be made for “broken”. Certainly more than Hercules level of despair 

It's difficult to describe. I'm unsure if my problems qualify as legitimate (as opposed to un-legit) Unsure if I'm just perceiving them to be bigger or worse than they actually are? I really don't want to complain. We all know that person who is… “A little ray of sunshine” shall we say. Nothing is EVER good enough. They hate puppies and rainbows. They could be be unhappy at Disneyland. No one likes being around those people. They’re probably also communists.

*Side note, was there a scientific study published in a reputable peer reviewed journal with statistically significant data showing a clear correlation that led the researchers to fail to reject the null hypothesis, or whatever, and ultimately declare Mouse land “The Happiest Place on Earth”?... If not, Disney is MIGHTY sure of themselves. The HAPPIEST? Of ALL other places? I mean, have they even heard of the Great British Baking Show? Do you even bake, bruh? Don't get me wrong, Disneyland is up there but if I had to pick between the two, I'm more than fairly sure I'd have to go with the tasting tent in the middle of an English countryside, eating Puff pastries listening to Paul's thick liverpudlian accent. Okay less his accent, it's more of an excuse to say liverpudlian. Try it. It's fun. I think that gives the Peter pan ride a run for its money at least.

But I digress, back to me ;)

I was saying I don’t wish to be the aforementioned type of person so I try not to complain (some of y’all who know me personally are stifling scoffs I’m sure) and I realize there are many, MANY people who have it MUCH worse than me. I am also BEYOND grateful for the good things I do have in my life. 

BUT!

… at the same time, the stuff I’m dealing with really does seem like a bit to me.

I have an injured tailbone that’s been a source of constant pain for about 3 years now. I used to be able to sit in a certain position or on a specific chair without it hurting but now it’s pretty much 24/7. Yet x-rays, MRIs, trigger point and nerve blocking injections and several different meds have not helped at all.

I’m in my 30s now which apparently means your ribs pop out of place while you sleep. I get them cracked back into place at the Chiropractor and they're out again the next morning. Basically it hurts to breathe and I can feel my back muscles scraping over my ribs.

My house is ALSO falling apart and I can’t afford to fix it. My backyard is a dirt pile and I feel SUPER awesome that my kids don’t have grass to run around in. Our plumbing, electrical, and roof all need to be replaced because the house was built before electricity was a thing. Well... 1950. Which is basically the same. And every time I look around at everything that’s broken I feel worse because I’m reminded that I don’t have the means to fix it. Why don’t I have the the funds? Welp...

I’ve been laid off 3 times in the last 4 years and since graduating college 6 years ago have yet to be at one job longer than a year. I pretty much live in fear that every day I go into work will be my last and live in constant stress of how I’m going to provide for my family. It wouldn’t be so bad if I had a marketable skill but I majored in German Literature (long story for another day) and sadly not too many people are looking to hire me to read books to them in German and write sub-par research papers about the motivations of the protagonists...

Why don’t you just learn a new skill, you might ask? That’s a great question. I’ll tell you. In SONG form

No? Monty Python? Anyone? Bueller? NM...

I haven’t had a good night’s sleep for about 2 years (which remarkably coincides with how old our youngest child is) and am effectively a zombie now living off cold pizza & diet mtn dew. That’s what zombies eat, right? Low energy, difficult to focus, seconds away from weeping most days. Which means I have had a beast of a time trying to find the time, motivation and energy to learn to code or be a graphic/ web designer or whatever skill will guarantee that I don’t have a heart attack every time someone says, “Hey, you got a sec?”

So, as a zombie dad, most days I wake up late, trying to get every last second of “sleep” that I can, roll out of bed, shove some “food” in my face and rush off to work (usually without showering, shaving, brushing teeth or any thing resembling self care or hygiene). Gross, I know. And believe me, I’m not boasting here. I live in a state of constant embarrassment of myself. But may I remind you... zombie.

Then I sit in pain for 8 hrs at a job I don’t care for (but am beyond grateful for) and am afraid to lose, hop in my almost broken vehicle & head home to eat a delicious meal made by my beautiful, loving wife. Try not to take the disappointment in my children’s eyes to heart when I tell them I can’t play with them because I’m too tired and in too much pain. Get them down to bed and instead of using the remaining hour or so to do something productive, I fall asleep while watching Parks & Rec through for the 100th time because it’s funny and I need as much levity and release as I can get. Then I’m on the night shift (usually up 2 or 3 times a night getting bottles, changing diapers, rocking back to sleep, etc) and doing it again the next day. Worn out. Run Down. Scraping by, dragging my broken down body through the motions of a “life.”

I feel like this:

Not like a cool zombie

Geez... He makes it look so EASY and fun...

Now, you’re not gonna believe me, but I SWEAR I’m not complaining. Seriously. Just explaining where I’m at these days. Setting the stage, painting the backdrop, giving you some context. I REALLY do try not to complain because as I said, I know it could be way worse and I really am grateful for the good things I DO have and if this is the price for those things and people, I’ll do it again and again. 

But do you see what I mean? Some might say, you don’t shower every day? You don’t brush your teeth regularly? But in my mind and body, I’m just too tired and don’t have time. Last year I broke two back molars in half chewing on gum. Yup, gum. And I lived with that for 6 months because I couldn’t get them fixed because I didn’t have insurance because I didn’t have a job. Seems like a legitimate reason versus a lame excuse.

But I know other people who are going to school full time, while working 2 jobs who seldom see their family let alone get time to play with them. Making do with less and seemingly more put-together than I am. So am I just making excuses then? I mean, have you SEEN this kid?!

Now, I know I shouldn’t compare myself to others. I know everyone’s got their own challenges and I should only compare myself to the best version of myself. But that’s just the thing. I AM comparing myself to myself. And I’m not even CLOSE. 

It’s not that I’m dissatisfied with life. It’s not that I just want more money (though that couldn’t hurt) or a bigger house or power or fame. I really only want enough to care for my family and some extra to help others out. It’s more of a discontent with who I am as a person. I’m not as nice as I’d like to be. I’m not as skilled as I’d like to be. I’m not as humble as I’d like to be. The list goes on... Literally. I have a list. A back log of ideas I want to try, things I want to learn, skills I want to have and put to use, people I want to help.

Basically, I have bad health, bad financial situation, no career, super awesome self esteem, fragile mental health, and not much of a social life.

Sooooo... So so SO!

I’m changing. This WAS me. 

I’m on a journey to finally achieve everything I’ve been putting off and become the best version of me. And I hope you’ll join me on the trip because I hope to learn from all this and I hope that someone somewhere can learn something as well. Even if that’s what NOT to do (Hey man, if it helps SOMEbody, I consider it a success and worth any effort).

So, follow along. I’ll share what I can along the way. And make sure to let me know how I can help you achieve YOUR goals too! Until later!

[robustcornhusk]

one of my housemates came back yesterday from his trip to japan (among other places)

facebook spent last month reminding us that we went to japan in dec 2016...

cohuman and i spent a bunch of their winter vacation watching anime, and more than a few were set in places i recognized: we’ve been in that train station! that place is a km north of where we stayed! it’s that place we wanted to go

i want to go back, and we’re planning to, but it’s still at closest months out ...

it’s not very personal, it’s just probably boring.

and while i hope it’s not the case, i’d need to make sure i’d be fine going without my (actually fluent friend) and (not much better than me, but way more confident and willing to speak friend). 

last time, on the half of the days that cohuman and i were by ourselves, i did manage to do fine: ordering food*, asking if i could take people’s pictures, the most polite evangelist ever, i even did part of a scavenger hunt type thing?**... but also some notable hiccups***, ****. 

also i was so hungry the whole time, because the combo of (there’s fish in everything) and (i don’t know how to explain veganism)and (i hate drawing attention to myself) meant that i lived on riceballs and coco’s curry for two weeks. i had heartburn because i am old now like my parents.

this is to say i need to get better at reading and hearing and speaking and writing japanese; it’s also that i need to either get more willing to make mistakes when speaking, or i need to be justifiably confident with saying simple things so i don’t need to be willing to make mistakes.

previously i had been studying, but i was (1) doing it in a way that eroded my medium-term-motivation; (2) became injured in ways that prevented me from doing things like “sitting up” and “handwriting”; (3) had minimal focus on speaking and writing (specifically, coming up with things to say/write; i did work on pronunciation and learning how to write any specific word); (4) i didn’t have anything i wanted to /do/ with the language, or lacked access; (5) i got more into the “how to do the thing” rather than “do the thing”; (6) i’m hella shy working on it around people, especially when those people are better than me. 

1: so, one thing that was happening is that i used anki (great), but i had the intervals tuned in a poor way, i think, and a lot of cards too long, so adding a bunch of stuff on one day would result in a lot of extra work for a week+ after.! i need to figure out how to balance “anki is a great way to remember things” with “the goal is to learn a language, not to have the most beautiful anki setup”. i deffo leaned too hard into the second before, which i did for good reasons, but it’s still too much. i wonder that a way to deal with this might be to both restrict /and/ require doing this? restricting it, as to prevent me from doing it all the time; requiring it, so to both get the benefits from it, and to reassure my brain that i can put it off til later because i am in fact going to do it.

2: fuck, this is a hard one. right now it’s not good because i hurt a tendon from climbing, so i need to take it easy for a week or two, but already my right arm is very weird feeling. i need to find a temporary replacement/adjunct to it to keep my back from getting all weird and bad. i also need to, long-term, get the ergonomics of writing and typing worked out. it’s definitely a really big problem short term because frex i can’t use a /mouse/ right now without my arm insisting that it’s on fire, freezing, and being electrocuted (exaggeration, it just feels sore and stiff).

3: a friend told me about a conversation group in the city; i think that might be a good idea, eventually. i think drilling grammatical forms might be a good idea; i need to figure out a decent way to implement that, though. i don’t want to do it as a one-off thing; i don’t want to do it every day for every form; i want to interleave forms; while an srs thing like anki isn’t a wrong idea for this, it's wrong in a few ways, but maybe ways that can be fixed with python/javascript. so i’m not sure. lang-8 exists and i think that in conjunction with grammatical drills might work.

4: i do actually have things i want to do, now; i finally got introduced to anime that wasn’t high art (millenium actress), really good but pretty much the same as disney (miyazaki), excessively long-running things for children, this blob of idea that i don’t know how to convey why it didn’t do it for me (cowboy bebop, flcl, samurai champloo, ...). it’s also very accessible (streaming whatever i want for 10/mo? this way beats the options i had back in high school). i also yesterday figured out how to convince a certain retailer that my laptop is deffo in tokyo, so cheap ebooks for me, too.

5: I’m not sure how to solve this one, but I think having 4 solved helps a lot. i think that will help turn my goals from “i’m learning japanese; i guess my goal is to get through this pile of textbooks?” into “i’m learning japanese; my goal is to be able to watch most anime without subtitles so i don’t need to wear my glasses”. despite my lack of confidence, i found this morning there are some things i can muddlem y way through, so this is tantalizingly close.

6: fuck, also hard. it probably helps that ‘reading comics’ and ‘watching anime’ and ‘reading a book’ are self-contained, and i can wear headphones for them and therefore i will look uninterruptable, and if there are people around the apartment i can go to one of /18 coffee shops in my neighborhood/ and read there. for things that take up space/mentally, i at least have a lot of time in teh middle of the day to work on them.

i can’t tell if i’m what doing right now is “being more into how to do the thing” than “doing the thing”, or if it’s talking anxiety brain down from “i will necessarily fail” to “there were problems with how i was approaching it before, and knowing that, i can change what i do to deal with them”. both, i guess. probably i got into How Do I Do The Thing Optimally? because i was anxious about failing, wasting effort, doing something wrong, etc.

*i kept misreading spinach, ほうれん草, as ほうれんくさ when it’s ほうれんそう , but i was understood. 

** it was based in a mall?? i had to find pictures of pokemon?? we were stuck waiting for some friends one day so we did it while we waited. i got two folders with pictures of Litten and Rowlet for doing it, i think.

*** i didn’t know the word for ‘spit’. you wouldn’t think this is something you need to really know, but apparently.  

***** cohuman had some awful blisters and we went looking for moleskin bandages, without success.  

sidestory that i had forgotten: one night we went to a restaurant we’d heard of, which had vegan gyoza. we get there, and it’s a teeny weenie narrow restaurant: i think three two-top tables. we came to the door, and the proprietor sat us down. we looked at the menu for a moment and i panicked, because i didn’t see “vegetarian” anywhere, and in fact saw a lot of not-friendly-to-me things. but the owner came back a second later and before i could figure out how to say ‘so it’s that i heard this restaurant had vegetarian gyoza’... “You’re vegetarians.” “Yes.” “You’re hungry.” “Yes.” “Okay, you get ten.”