#gratitude journaling.. or.. whatever

[suusoh]

quick check in for our dear author susu!😁 you may or may not answer this ask, im just curious ab sth after i saw your vents. i hope reflecting on these questions can make you feel better though!😃

are you, by any chance, pressured by the attention your works are having? did you not expect that a lot of people will like your craft? do you actually prefer having fewer audiences? i feel quite sad that this toxic world of internet where audiences just look at creators as machines to produce and produce has seemingly taking a toll at you and i sincerely hope you feel better ab it soon and eventually rekindle your love for writing.

love,

your reader

you're very kind anon :-)) thank you for sending me an ask. I hope you're doing good as well?

I've think I've explained things better on my other blog but I'll try my best to answer your questions here as well <3.

(any bitterness or snippiness picked up in this answer is not aimed at you anon!!! you are very very precious and kind. susu is just talking out of frustration.)

Not pressured, maybe overwhelmed and shy at times, but not pressured, no. If i don't like a request I literally don't entertain it at all and will just answer it shortly. If i don't feel it then i just don't.

to be fair I didn't even expect an audience in the first place. I was literally jsut writing because I felt like i was going to explode (or implode?) if i don't get my ideas outside of me. It felt like i ended up just talking to myself with fic dialogue, or staring mindlessly in my room while i just watch scenarios in my head. So i thought, heh, why not make it into a fic. no harm done.

If anything anon, I was quite expecting for myself to be.. uh... niche? I guess my expectations started out wonky because prior to monster, I came from very large fandoms. So as an x reader, as a yandere x reader, and as a yandere x reader who warped johan into her own personal characterization with near zero-canon basis at all just to get her rocks off at that too, I figured I'd just be writing for only a certain amount of people who choose to seek me out.

not sure about the fewer audiences thing, I don't quite care for numbers. But i guess what I preferred isn't "less followers" per se, but I think i would've preferred the energy and the synergy of interactions back then when it was only quite a good number of people. felt intimate. Like can you believe I got more comments when there were less people on here, compared to with more people on here... people are more quiet now?

quiet- in the sense of showing appreciation and enjoyment of the writing of course. the amount of people in the ask box..... is another different thing. my ask box is definitely not quiet.

to be fair anon, I don't think they're doing it intentionally. I guess with how niche monster is and how there were only so few of us here writing johan x reader content, people of course asked for more.

but now i guess i do feel a bit... tired and listless now. Because it felt like i've already achieved my goal of seeing what I want to read. If anything, i think i've written so much content of what i want to see that I've even made myself sick lol.

so now it feels like im at the point where i don't have the same drive as I used to before. there's no personal goal keeping me going, and the people who inspire me to keep on writing are very few and far between (aside from friends of course), compared to those who just wish i'd keep writing so they'd get their daily dose of johan copping a feel up or something. idk.

truth be told. what makes me feel tired is that not only did i grow to loathe my old johan writing and concepts, but it's exactly those concepts that people are drawn to, and keep asking for everyday. which makes me somehow loathe what i've written even more.

And honestly, look i can't blame them. When I wrote those, i was vibrating and i wrote it with so much love and energy at the time, and i'm sure the vibes they still translate into those posts.

but it just feels so so so confusing and honestly... emptying to me that that's all people who come here care about, that's all they ever ask for, and in some weird ironic laughable twist, they don't even show any appreciation for it.

and like shit, im not even sure if appreciation is the right word to use. I'm not asking for praise or anything. but literally just... talk? talk to me? talk about your thoughts on it?

and NO. talking about your thoughts on it is different from downright just sending in something with no explaination. just some blank prompt that you think I'll pick up, go insane over, gush over, and spit out 4 paragraphs worth of whatever you sent in.

and again yes, the glaring answer is "just ignore those asks then lol. pay attention to nice asks instead.

but then again, it's just tiring that the only story comments i ever seem to get nowadays are just those asks. i'm talking about the majority.

and before anyone says i'm too negative or too sensitive for focusing on the bad instead of the good: I do pay attention to nice comments, i hold them close and dear to my heart. made a whole freaking tag and folder just for it.

but it's just that they're so rare and few and far between compared to how much people have the time to type in another request, but can't seem to type in at least one... thank you. or... say that that what i did was... really nice.

and it i feel so confused again because people assure me over and over again that they like my writing, that lots of people like my johan writing.

but with the way i'm treated and interacted with here.... i'm starting to think that sure, maybe people do like my writing: but it only because it gives them their fill.

so whenever i go on a break or when i go post something to express my worries with my blog and i get asks or comments. i just... I have to laugh a bit at just how much of those asks feel like they're saying the same thing:

It's less of "oh no! susu is going away and needs a break." and more like "oh no! now we won't get any more johan."

[finitevariety]

the fact that I can say 'I want to watch the movie w the gay cannibals' and people could reply 'which one?' is fantastic. truly we are living in the future. much to be grateful for. billions of people lived their entire lives without a gay cannibal movie and I can watch any one I choose whenever I wish

[jvzebel-x]

🦋

i got the sweetest email from someone i did a reading for, and it made me tear up because i'm a giant baby, lmao.

[imissthefire]

I genuinely can't remember if things have ever been this bad. I don't know if I can recover, I don't even know if I care to. Things just... have been an ongoing nightmare for over a year and doctors aren't listening to me and they're making it seem like the health complications that's made me the most suicidal I've been in a long time if not ever isn't a big deal. I can't stand this shit.

[theambitiouswoman]

How to transform your life in one year:

• Practice Daily Gratitude: Focus on what’s going right instead of what’s wrong. Start each day by acknowledging three things you’re grateful for—it shifts your mindset and opens doors to more positivity.

• Embrace Solitude to Reconnect with Yourself: Spending time alone can be intimidating, but it’s where self-discovery happens. Use this time to reflect, journal, or set goals. Reinvent yourself from the inside out.

• Choose Your Circle Wisely: Surround yourself with people who uplift, inspire, and energize you. Let go of relationships that drain your spirit or pull you backward.

• Reduce Distractions: Take a break from social media, endless scrolling, and mindless entertainment. Get back your time, and use it to work on your goals or indulge in self-care.

• Focus on One Skill: Choose one skill or passion that you want to master this year. Go all in—whether it’s learning a language, writing, or a professional skill, make it your main focus and track your progress.

• Move Your Body Daily: Physical movement is essential, not just for fitness but for mental clarity. Stretch, walk, dance, or do whatever you enjoy to keep your body and mind active.

• Commit to Self-Love: Make a promise to yourself to love and accept who you are at every step of the journey. Speak kindly to yourself, honor your needs, and embrace your unique qualities.

• Get Intentional with Your Time: Instead of just letting the days pass, structure your time. Set goals for each week, prioritize what matters most, and stay consistent.

• Cultivate a Growth Mindset: Embrace challenges, learn from setbacks, and view everything as a step forward. Growth doesn’t come from comfort—it comes from resilience.

[inkdrinkerworld]

Sirius Black x touch starved!reader hehe, I hope you guys enjoy <3

Sirius knows you want something by the way you keep looking over at him and then turning your face back towards your journal.

You’ve been scrapbooking in it for a bit, but it seems like the glue and photos aren’t keeping your attention well enough anymore.

Sirius has to be tactile though, if he comes off too strong he’ll spook you and you’ll probably never be able to look him in the eye again.

He stands, petting your head as he passes. The way you lean back into his touch is unmissable.

Sirius smiles. He goes to the kitchen, brews a cup of chamomile tea and comes back, trying his very best not to look too smug at the way your body tilts you into his direction.

“Dolly, can you come up here? I brewed some tea.”

You don’t scramble up to his lap, you’ve too much self restraint for it - Sirius hopes soon the self restraint will wash away.

Still, you climb near Sirius and take the cup from him with a pleased smile.

“Thank you,” you murmur into your second sip, gratitude filling your bones.

“Anything for you,” Sirius kisses your forehead and uses your relaxed state with the tea to scoot a little bit closer to you; your knees knocking his thighs. “Can we have a lie in?”

Your eyes brighten and Sirius smiles. Ever shy to voice your needs but Sirius never really has to guess what you need anyway.

“Please.” There’s a longing in your tone. Sirius can fix it.

“And I can brush your hair for you, or twirl it if that’s better. That ponytail you had early seemed like it did a number, poppet.”

You’re sure if he were to touch your collarbone he’d feel how flushed you are.

“It was pretty bad.” You mumble into your tea and Sirius claps his hands together with a big smile.

“That settles it then doesn’t it? I’ll oil your hair and give you a proper massage while we watch something we definitely won’t finish tonight.”

You smile, tipping your head up under Sirius’ attention.

“Can I have a kiss before you go?”

Sirius beams, lips brushing yours. “You can have whatever you’d like from me, sweet thing. Whatever you’d like.”

[inkskinned]

i love my therapist but i hate being in therapy. 10 minutes before my appointment, i'm in a meeting with my boss - we discuss my artistic choices; my boss recommends i artistically choose less. 10 minutes after therapy, i wash my hair and think about everything that was said, and then i have to switch it off, like a lamp, and go back to work again.

i was on a walk the other day and someone had the perfect combination of his cologne and whatever-else. it was almost exactly his scent. i fucking hate that. after all these years, i remember that? i tell my therapist - i feel like a fucking wolf. try telling a middle-aged blonde lady. oh i scented him on the air. i'm 30, and i'm having a panic attack over something that would be a plotline in the omegaverse.

what they don't tell you about mental illness is that if you are lucky enough to survive it into adulthood; it becomes a weird slice of your life. because you do, eventually, have to build a life. i realized in a panic somewhere around 22 - oh. i don't know what i'm fucking doing, because i always assumed i'd just go ahead and die. i didn't die, and i'm grateful for that, and i'm very happy about that choice. but it does mean that i am an adult in an apartment, living with my conditions side-by-side like. oh, that's my roommate, adhd. ignore the glass, bytheway, that's ocd.

so you pick your stupid life up by the scruff of the neck and you're, like glad for it (so much laughter and light and friends you would have never thought possible, when you were in the worst of it). but it feels so strange to be dancing around these odd little microcosms, these patchwork moments of your symptoms. if you have a panic attack at night, you still need to wake up and walk the dog in the morning. if your depression is making everything boring, well, you don't have any sick days left, and a job's not really supposed to be that exciting anyway. your ocd tears out each individual leg hair, and then, an hour later, you sigh, patch up the bloody bits, and go get dinner with friends. and the life is kitten-quiet, mewling and pathetic, but it's also like - it's yours, so you're fond of it.

and it's like - you're real. so you still enjoy pushing the shopping cart really fast and then riding on the back of it down an empty aisle. and you're not, like, so sick anymore that when you accidentally drop a mug you burst into tears (except for the days you do that. which are bad). and no, you're not allowed around certain items anymore. oops! but you've learned to be good about brushing your teeth most days of the week. and yeah sometimes in the middle of the day you have a little freak-out about how fucking unfair it all is, how fucking hard, how other people can just do this without having to fucking hurt the whole time. and then you sigh and force yourself to sit down and fucking journal about it so you can tell the nice middle-aged blonde woman yeah i had a hard day but i practiced grounding. you still sometimes want to burst out of your own skin, but you force yourself to eat kind-of healthy and to take your vitamins. you let yourself chop off all your hair in the sink in a dramatic poetry of control and relief - and you also have developed good hobbies that help you move your body more frequently. you feel helplessly behind, lost in the shuffle - but you also practice gratitude, taking stock of what you have garnered. because you're trying. even if you're never gonna be normal, you have something... close enough.

and the little kitten of your life, this mangy, starlit tigercub, this thing you expected to rot so young: in your arms, it turns itself over, belly-up. exposing this new soft part, all the organs and guts. like it's saying i trust you now. you won't give me up.

[gloryornothing]

𝐏𝐈𝐂𝐊 𝐀 𝐂𝐀𝐑𝐃. -

WHAT SHOULD YOU KNOW ABOUT YOUR FUTURE?

this reading applies to all genders, ethnicities, races, sexualities, and orientations.

PILE 1 Your future holds many rewards, like ripe fruits ready to fall into your hands. However, you may struggle to recognize their value or fail to see them clearly. Instead, you might cling to things that don’t matter, shielding yourself from imaginary enemies—when the real obstacle is within you. Trapped in the mansion of your fears and insecurities, you may overlook the blessings before you until you dare to step outside.

What do your spirit guides want you to know in advance?

What you seek is already in front of you. Stop working so hard; your rewards are all around you. To claim them, turn your attention inward with patience and discipline. Observe what you already possess and cultivate gratitude. Practices like meditation or maintaining a gratitude journal could be immensely beneficial.

PILE 2 Your future is filled with ripe potential. This may not necessarily involve material success or career advancement, but your life will soon become deeply enriched by the blessings of community. A lover or someone special may emerge to share this journey with you, creating something beautiful. However, be prepared for complications that may arise. While these challenges might seem overwhelming, you will be your own anchor of peace amidst the chaos—and you may even embrace the storm willingly.

What do your spirit guides want you to know in advance?

You are likely a passionate, worldly individual who finds joy in sharing and taking care of others, like a guardian. Remember who you are as these events unfold, even if they challenge you in ways you’re not fully prepared for. Trust that all will be well.

PILE 3 You may be dealing with significant emotional struggles now, or you might face them soon, leaving you to wonder when the hardship will end. But know this: whatever you are going through will eventually pass, leading to your rebirth. Regardless of gender, you will step into a role of care and maturity, developing qualities that will guide you with strength, determination, and the ability to shape your life as you envision it.

What do your spirit guides want you to know in advance?

There is a dawn ahead; it won’t always be dark. This period will end, blessing you with wisdom and unity. Nurture the qualities within you that make you abundant, and take care of yourself most of all. Be gentle with yourself—you’ve already endured so much.

only take what resonates with you. you can also donate a dollar to my kofi if you'd like to.

[princessbrunette]

which reader is the nicest?

•⑅♡⑅•⑅♡⑅•⑅♡⑅•⑅♡⑅•

they’re all pretty nice in their own way.

bunny!reader is the type of nice girl you meet in the bathroom drunk. she’s got tampons, lipgloss, a lighter, a sewing kit, whatever you need — she’s somehow managed to fit it in her purse. she will compliment almost every girl she speaks to ever, finding the beauty in everything which makes her soul just so gorgeous! she’d never let you walk around with a period stain on your pants or food on your face. she doesn’t care if you’re a stranger, she’s dragging you to the bathroom and helping you.

kitty!reader is the type of nice where she doesn’t let anyone fuck with you! if she cares about you, she’ll do anything to make sure you’re okay. on a face to face level, she will tell you straight up that you need to dump your boyfriend, or stand up for you to that one mean girl especially if you’re shy — but behind closed doors too, she’ll read your tarot when you’re not even around, trying to figure out how to help you, manifest good things for you in her journal etc.

puppy!reader is the type of nice where she will go out of her way to make sure you’re happy / okay. you forgot the thing you needed at the store? that’s okay, she was going there anyway (she wasnt) and is happy to cycle there to pick it up for you. left your money at home? she will use her last ten dollars to buy you that snack if you’re hungry. got a hole in your dress? she doesn’t know how to sew, but she’ll watch a youtube tutorial and try her best!!!

deer!reader is the type of nice that makes you feel special and loved. she wants all her friends and loved ones to feel appreciated, so she’s the type to drop you a text out of nowhere — a huge paragraph telling you how much she enjoyed hanging out with you the day before. she’ll make you a personalised, specific playlist of songs that remind her of you, and even burn it onto a CD. her birthday presents are phenomenal, sooo personal and thoughtful. she takes pictures of you that capture your beauty candidly and sketches you in her journal <3

mouse!reader is the type of nice that takes risks for you. she’s painfully shy, but if you’ve got anxiety she will sweat and cringe her way through ordering food at the restaurant for you. she’ll steal that lipgloss you can’t afford and silently hand it to you outside once you’re away from the store. she’ll text all the shady people she knows asking if they’ve got a plug for those concert tickets you missed out on. she doesn’t want a thank you, she barely acknowledges your gratitude she just wants you to be happy.

lamb!reader will use her power for good to help you. she’ll spoil you rotten if she cares about you, not even realising how helpful she’s being as she virtuously provides you with resources and new experiences. if you mention it to her she will touch her cross and nod all wisely like “its the right thing to do.”

•⑅♡⑅•⑅♡⑅•⑅♡⑅•⑅♡⑅•

[drdemonprince]

This is a fascinating read that does not tell you what you should make of the author's observations:

Interactions with [charismatic people] come with the least number of strings attached. It feels like they are just having fun, lightly playing with possibilities. They are not holding love hostage when you don't act in accordance with their desires. They respect your autonomy and intuition. They approach your presence with gratitude, but don't demand you stay forever. There is no hint of scarcity. They live in the realm of what is possible and abundant. There is little tension in their attentional field. Because they are in a fluid and spacious yet highly receptive and responsive state, they can meet you exactly where you are and entertain whatever comes up. They can flirt, joke around, dream, and love without restraint. They are not afraid of what happens, because no matter what happens, they know it will be fundamentally okay. I've noticed they don't leave what feels like a sticky "trace" after they are gone. I certainly remember them more vividly and am more deeply touched by them than others, but it lacks the feeling of molasses. This impression of sticky traces is very personal so I should probably illustrate what I mean with examples: I get the sticky traces when people guilt me, are passive aggressive, pedestalize me, ask things of me I don't believe are what they truly want and if I gave it to them anyway it's like feeding a hungry ghost. Every interaction with them feels like they are saying, "please love me" or "please make me feel okay" or "please give me a chance" or "I need you." This makes engaging with them complicated, not because I don't care about them, but because engaging with them is a bit of a foolish game where it won't really get you what you want and will also hurt me in the process, and this keeps me from wanting to get close. I can tell they have a series of tough knots, and they are haunted by them, but I cannot unknot it for them. I can only watch compassionately and try to point them to how they can unknot themselves, and also be present to the stickiness, because it is there. The stickiness accumulates like gunk that I then have to meditate, journal about, or otherwise process. It solidifies and reifies experience, convincing us the set of infinite possibilities is anything but infinite and boundless. It suffocates. Charismatic people are like empty vessels. They receive and pass on sensations without resistance. They are usually the one with the most regulated nervous system in the room, which allows them to encounter other people's ego/attentional structures and dance with them no matter what the exact configuration is, which is why charismatic people are charismatic to a wide variety of people—they literally fit better together with people in general! Contrast this with someone who has very rigid expectations or ideas of what kind of experience they *should* be having and fighting off what is arising if it conflicts with what they want. If a person with a very particular and rigid structure encounters a wide swath of people, the percentage of people their shape "fits" well with is a lot slimmer.

[pastel-charm-14]

BECOME THE BEST VERSION OF YOURSELF - THE BASICS

remember, you have to power to shape your reality! you are literally god! so if you believe that you are the best version of yourself, that you have your dream life, then you do!! it's really that simple.

embracing positivity ;

DO focus on what you want to manifest, DON'T focus on your limiting beliefs, what you fear, or what you lack! affirm that your doubts do not affect you in the slightest!

i am worthy of every single good thing that happens i am abundant in literally every aspect of my life i am capable of everything and anything

visualizing ;

this is such a powerful tool!! just imagine yourself already living your dreams. feel the emotions as if they are already yours (which they are). set aside some time each day for this, and engage all of your senses!

making a vision board ;

i don't do this because it doesn't help me personally, but i know a lot of people who like to make vision boards to visualize, so if that's your thing, then go ahead :)

post on how to make a vision board by yours truly

living in the end ;

take on the qualities of the person you want to become. dress the part, speak confidently, and take actions that align with your goals!! the more you act as if your desires are already fulfilled, the closer they come to reality.

scripting ;

write down your desires as if they've already come true. describe how it feels to have achieved your goals and express gratitude for them in the present. i love to do this in my journal with my favorite pen <3

gratitude ;

from what i've heard this plays into law of attraction a bit? correct me if i'm wrong but gratitude raises your vibration and attracts more positivity into your life. and being grateful for what you already have and for the blessings on their way is a great thing to do whatever the case!

trust in yourself ;

have faith that the universe is working in your favor!! let go of your limiting beliefs, and trust that you have your desires already! again, just believe that you are deserving of all the good that comes your way.

[arielleslipgloss]

It Girl Habits!!

(none of these photos are mine)

“You cannot live your life to please others. The choice must be yours.” - Anne Hathaway

Stay busy!! Do you see those it girls like Serena Van Der Woodsen scrolling on their phone all day? No, you rarely do. It girls are always busy doing something. So, therefore do some self care, study, workout, read, journal, go shopping, go on solo dates, hang out with friends, paint, have a dance party, etc. Do fun activities and take care of yourself. Another example of a busy it girl is, Elle Woods. Elle Woods wasn’t becoming one with the couch everyday. She had goals to achieve. She had people that doubted her to prove wrong. So get up! Start planning out your day or week. Start making goals!!

Have goals! You wanna know why you’re bored all the time? Well, it’s because you have no goals. You practically don’t have a life because all you do is sleep, eat, scroll, and repeat. You’re wasting time doing nothing. You could’ve had a clean room by now. Maybe you could have finished that book. Whatever it is, you could have had it. You could’ve been 1% better than yesterday. You don’t though because you have no goals. That time you’re wasting, can be used toward your goals. It can be used toward your dream life. Maybe, you do have goals? Yet you don’t even take action. What are you waiting for? For someone to do the work for you? No, get up and start taking action.

Be mindful of what you consume online!! Just like how who you surround yourself with affects you. What you consume online affects how and who you are. For example, listening to sad music makes you feel sad. Music is meant to tell a story that you feel deeply. You may not even relate to the song, but you feel as if you do. So, you become sad and continue to listen to sad music. When listening to uplifting music you gain confidence. You still feel like you relate to the song. Just with a more positive effect. As for what you watch and read. Don’t read/watch stuff that will put you down. Watch/read content that will help you.

Complimenting yourself every time you pass the mirror!! Some may say it’s cringy, but DO IT. Would you rather be cringy or be the best version of yourself? Exactly, so either say it out loud or in your head. Say it even if you might not believe it. Say it because you deserve it! Try to be creative with your compliments. Not all compliments have to be about your looks. It could be your personality, your thoughtfulness, how creative you are, etc. Also loosen up, be your own hype girl. When you see the mirror you could say, “Omg I look like the main character.” “Oh wait, I am!” Lastly, don’t forget to have fun with hyping yourself up.

Mediating or journaling when stressed!! When stressed we start to feel a lot of tension. So, that’s why meditating is so important to do when stressed. All you have to do is sit down and focus on breathing. Plus, It calms down your nerves, relaxes the mind, body, and soul. Not just that, but plenty of other benefits. Which includes, helps focus, betters mood, helps you sleep, slows down aging, etc. As for journaling, it’s practically free therapy! That is, at least in my eyes. All you need is a notebook, a pen or pencil, and yourself. Journal what’s making you stressed or anxious. Let all your emotions out, write freely. Your words don’t have to make sense. Nor do you need to have perfect writing. In fact, when you journal it may be all over the place. However or whatever you write, just let it out.

Expressing your gratitude!! Life is so beautiful and has so much meaning. So, either write down what you’re grateful for or thank God. You are so blessed to be here today. That is only just one thing to be grateful for. There are so many things to be grateful for, air, family, friends, your mind, being born as you, water, books, food, shoes, clothes, and so much more!! Express your gratitude everyday. It could be the most random thing like, a poster. As long as you’re truly grateful, then express it.

7. Having a low screen time!! Cliché, I know but it’s true. Your devices are consuming you. Think about what you use your device(s) for. Good examples are, for work, for motivation, tips, workout videos, inspiration, knowledge, and maybe even faith reasons. Now here are bad examples, procrastinating, sinning, hating on others, scrolling, because you’re bored, to watching videos of people that make you insecure, and lastly to cope with something. Which to clarify, trying to cope by using your phone, I understand somewhat. On the other hand, it could make what you’re coping with worse. I say that because there are so many studies on why our phone is bad for us. Seriously, so many and we are completely unaware of the damage it does. So for that reason, try to use your phone only for the good. I know you’re probably going to make an excuse. Which we all do and that’s ok, but please try.

8. Encouraging yourself to do better!! You should always be working hard to be 1% better everyday. So on the days you don’t feel like doing anything, encourage yourself. Show up for yourself, you will be so happy after. Lastly, trust yourself to get whatever done!!

9. Having a healthy sleep schedule!! For me, I try to aim for 8-11 hours of sleep. For others, it may be 7-10 hours of sleep. Whatever makes you feel the most well-rested should work. Just try to be consistent and mindful of the time. I also recommend to be off your phone for at least 30-60 minutes before going to bed. It will improve how you sleep a lot. That also being said, try not to be on your phone when you wake up either. It’ll help improve your health by a lot. Especially, the health of your brain and eyes. As I had mentioned, try to be consistent. Set a certain time to go to bed and turn off your phone. Then, get your lovely beauty sleep gorgeous!!

10. CLEANING!! The last habit is, cleaning. Now, I don’t just meaning cleaning your room or house. I mean even your body and mind. For starters, a clean room equals a clean mind. Therefore, stop procrastinating and start cleaning. Turn on some fun music and maybe even romanticize cleaning. Just make it fun and DEEP clean. I know someone reading this has been procrastinating on cleaning. You know who you are, so clean everything. Then, for cleaning the mind a little extra meditate. I feel like I already went over a bit about meditation. So lastly, for the body, take your showers consistently. Also, please wear deodorant. I see way too many people nowadays not wearing deodorant. Seriously, wear your deodorant.

“Always walk around like you have on an invisible tiara on.” - Paris Hilton

Remember, always apply lip gloss and stay pretty! Love you, dolls 💋

Info I used: https://reallifecounseling.us/blog/benefits-of-meditation

My Pinterest: @arielleslipgloss

[ivesambrose]

August 2024 Mini Messages 💛

1. 2. 3.

Like that Taylor Swift song right?

I intend that everyone has a good month regardless of the astrological weather.

To book a personal reading with me DM or email me at ivesambrose@gmail.com

Services Offered

Reviews

Thanks for the tip ✨

Picture 1

You'll be diving in deep into your subconscious this month even if it means wanting to isolate from people and places for a while. Suddenly everything seems So over the top', right? And nothing and no one is phasing you anymore. This month is the first page of a big journey you're about to take so if you don't have a journal already I'd highly recommend you start logging down certain things for the purpose of accountability, gratitude, planning, manifestion, learning as well as progress. I'm letting you know, whatever you're about to do for yourself will make you stand out and you might feel a certain responsibility upon yourself as you end up inspiring others as well. You may be a person with more independent way of thinking and doing things so it'll feel strange when you end up becoming someone who leads by example. You might find yourself breaking out from a restricted environment, mindset or lifestyle. It is likely your financial situation improves as well. You might feel a bit eccentric this month with your ideas and thrist for knowledge and experiences that shape you as a person.

You might just block out the things that don't serve you and fixate on what you want deliberately. You're too engrossed in your own world and your own untouched potential to consider anything else that is eating up too much of your valuable focus. You have decided to become a version of yourself that you have chained up for long and you will become it.

Picture 2

Your entire focus and drive has shifted to your career and public image. You've decided that even if you have to go at it alone, you will gO at it alone. But this month you'l likely learn that you aren't as by yourself as you thought you have been. Be mindful of doing anything impulsive or taking on more than you can chew or over exerting your body. Some of you may also find a healthy outlet for the emotions you have been putting a lid on. You might make new friends or deepen your relationship with existing ones. There will be moments of joy and celebration too when you least expect it. Deep down you have this inner knowing that things will go smoothly or will work out if you simply have just a teeny tiny bit more faith in yourself. You might be making travel plans too that will likely take off in September. You will also be building up your confidence this month and might also be learning a new skill, taking up a hobby or language. Thing is, you will be forced to take a pause in between or simply slow down and when that happens you might wonder okay how long is this going to take? Or you might assume your progress has halted which is far from the truth, you're in for a sweet victory consider it a reward for your persistence and your mindset.

Picture 3

There's a need to go off the radar and keep certain things private to the public eye. You might feel uncomfortable and untrusting towards a lot of people maybe you're right too, some of them aren't as reliable and don't really have your best wishes at hand. You might also consider investing in something privately for yourself for future use or you might get a return on an investment you had made. A lot of you may have been dealing with resentment, grief or some kind of fear, maybe past actions of someone towards you or how you had been with them. However. you'll find clarity and make peace in regards to what you're going through. You'll overcome something that has been hovering over you like a dark cloud for months. Some of you might also be manifesting love or end up manifesting a connection that earlier felt impossible to have in your life. You may also consider making business plans this month that you will likely launch by the end of the year. You may also consider cutting chords and might feel a sense of guilt doing so, but you'll feel much lighter and you'll find love and wealth and overall mental peace flowing into your life much easier. All the weight you've been carrying is itself begging you to let go of it, it no longer has anything to serve in your life.

[divinationsanctuary19]

How can I manifest more abundance in my life? | Pick a picture tarot reading☀️

1 2 3

1. Page of cups, queen of pentacles in reverse

To manifest more abundance in your life, you need to start by shifting your mindset from scarcity to abundance. Focus on what you already have and express gratitude daily, as this helps you attract more positive energy. Set clear intentions about what you want—whether it's financial freedom, fulfilling relationships, or personal growth and visualize yourself already having it. Take inspired action toward your goals, trusting that opportunities will come your way. You should also release any limiting beliefs that may be blocking you from receiving abundance, and practice affirmations to reinforce your belief that you deserve it.

2. 10 of cups

In your journey to manifest abundance, incorporating meditation and reflection can be powerful tools. By setting aside time each day to meditate, you allow yourself to quiet the mind and connect with your inner self, creating space for clarity and insight. During meditation, you can visualize the abundance you desire, feeling the emotions of already having it, which helps to attract it into your reality. After meditation, take time to reflect on any limiting beliefs or fears that may surface and consciously release them. Journaling your reflections can help you gain deeper understanding and shift your mindset toward abundance, allowing you to align more fully with your goals. Use subliminals as well.

3. 8 of pentacles, Ace of swords

If nothing has worked for you in the past, it might be time to try a new approach to manifesting abundance. Begin by clearing your mind through daily meditation and reflection, allowing yourself to let go of past frustrations and create mental space for new possibilities. Surround yourself with positive influences—whether that’s through uplifting books, inspiring podcasts, or supportive friends who align with your vision. Try creating a vision board to keep your goals and dreams in front of you every day, serving as a visual reminder of the abundance you're seeking. Incorporate daily affirmations that resonate with your desires, and start taking small, consistent actions toward your goals. Finally, consider releasing old patterns, clutter, or relationships that no longer serve you, as letting go creates space for the new abundance to flow into your life.

I suggest this meditation for all of you ⬇️

Check my new subliminal!

If you need a reading, hit me up

[juletheghoul]

Let Me Follow (Part 7)

AN: Ooop. I haven't updated this in a year and I feel terrible, I am trying to go through all of the unfinished fics I have, and update one every week. (dream big Jules) Hopefully get through all of the things I have in my head. Hopefully it's been worth the wait! I've done my best to edit this myself, but it hasn't been beta'd. Enjoy! xo 🩷

Joel Miller x F!Reader

Pairing: Joel x F!Reader

Word Count: 4.8K

Warnings: (18+ NO MINORS) ANGST, language, age-gap (about 10-11 years, legal, reader is of age), Yearning, post-apocalyptic world, Joels injury / ptsd / nightmare

Let me know if I missed anything!

reblogs are appreciated

Masterlist Series Masterlist

He’s gone when you wake up. Both of them are, they’re gone most of the day but it makes sense. You chalk it up to Joel catching up with his brother and Ellie taking advantage of the safety of this place. You, in turn, find yourself almost haunting the house Maria and Tommy had put you up in. The time spent in the trailer, although quiet for the most part, was also wrapped up in the web of anxiety. Every second spent there was corrupted with fear of someone finding it, always the danger of infected wandering into the woods and surprising you when you’d go scavenging, and in comparison to that, this felt peaceful. 

This house gave you a chance to rest, to nap and enjoy the safety of the walls surrounding you, surrounding the town itself. Even when you got hungry, it was only a matter of making your way down the street to the cafeteria. People looked at you with curiosity, but didn’t pry, which only inspired intense gratitude. 

The whole day was a much needed respite from the worry and anxiety, until Ellie stormed into the house to find you reading an old novel on the sofa late in the evening. Anger burning on her face and it seemed strange to be so angry in a place like this. 

“What happened?” The adrenaline shoots up, the familiarity of it is so depressing, it seems your body is always ready to feel this way. 

“He’s leaving me.” She runs up the stairs and you find yourself running up after her, the door to the bedroom she’d claimed all but shut in your face before you could follow her inside. 

“Ellie? Can I come in?” You knock, hoping she’ll elaborate, “Ellie?”

“Whatever.” She calls out and you follow her inside, finding her sitting on a dusty bay window. 

“What happened?” Your heart races but you do your best to control your breathing. 

“He’s leaving me,” she sighs, picking up what looks to be someone's journal, “I heard him tell Tommy, that he has to leave me.” You frown at her. Joel hadn’t exactly been the cuddly type but he did care about Ellie, that had been obvious to you. “Maria told me something about him, something that makes sense-” 

“I wouldn’t listen to what Maria has to say about Joel, it seems to me she’s been listening to Tommy say some not-so-nice things about his brother.” Annoyance burns brightly in your gut that she’d dare poison Ellie against the man that had been keeping her safe. 

“No–I didn’t let her talk shit, I told her where to fucking go about that but–” A soft tap on the door pulls you out of the argument, Joel’s voice coming through before he opens the door. 

The familiar ‘Joel-frown’ is back in place as his gaze shifts from Ellie, to you, and back to her again.

“Listen-” He starts, but she doesn’t let him get very far.

“Why are you here?” The anger still burns on her face, but you know what’s really there. Sadness, fear, disappointment, you know because you’ve felt it all before.

“I came here to talk to you, both of you.”

“No, why are you still here? If you’re gonna ditch us then ditch us.” her eyes cast down as she speaks, looking without really seeing the journal in her hands. You see him let out a heavy sigh, resignation taking over. 

“What exactly did you hear?”

“‘I have to leave her, you have to take her’,” your eyebrows must have raised up into your hairline, Joel leaving Ellie had never crossed your mind, “You know I stuck up for you today because I thought-” She bit her lip, cutting off her own words.

“I made this decision for your own good. You’ll be way better off with Tommy, he knows the area better than I do-” He was floundering and it was as though you were listening to a stranger, his whole demeanour completely different from last night. 

“Do you give a shit about me or not?” Her voice rose, and your heart broke for her.

“Of course I do.” 

“Then what are you so afraid of? I’m not her, you know? Maria told me about Sarah-”

“Don’t.” The change in him was chilling, “Don’t say another word.” Seeing his eyes shift, the whole of him as cold as ice. 

“I’m sorry about your daughter, Joel, but I have lost people too.” And there it was. 

He’d had a daughter, and he’d lost her. This was it, the missing piece. It made so much sense, the cloud that followed him around, the loss that poisoned him to the world. It wasn’t just the terrible, awful, practically unbearable state of the world, it was his loss. 

“You have no idea what loss is.” His eyes hardened even more, and you understood why he would be upset. The loss of a child would definitely make anyone lose their minds, but Ellie wasn’t wrong. Everyone in this world knows what loss is.

“Everybody I have cared for has either died or left me. Everybody, fucking except for you!” She pushes him, her anger and hurt getting the best of her and you can’t help but move from your place on the couch to comfort her. “So don't tell me that I'd be safer with somebody else because the truth is I would just be more scared.” Your hand goes to her shoulder, letting her know you’re there for her. 

“You’re right. You aren’t my daughter, and I sure as hell ain’t your dad. Now come dawn, you and I go our separate ways-” Your hand flashes up without your permission, and cracks him clean across the face. It was too much for you to bear. 

“Enough! I am so sick and tired of this, and I am through with letting you act this way. You can’t keep living your life like this, Joel. Head down, barreling through like a juggernaut, cutting through everyone and everything, completely closed off to the world.” The hurt was sharp in your voice- “I can’t even begin to imagine how much losing your daughter must have hurt you, I wish it had never happened. I cannot take it away from you, neither of us can but we don’t deserve for you to treat us this way. Losing her doesn’t mean you can throw Ellie away.” His eyes flashed with something, a hurt so deep it was part of him, “Tomorrow, we’re going–whether it’s with you, or Tommy is up to you.” You turned from him then, gathering Ellie into your arms. You heard the door click, and then you and Ellie were alone. 

-

You spent the night with Ellie.

A soft knock sounded as you gathered the few things you had to take with you, both of you. Ellie opened the door to a very resigned Tommy standing at the door. 

“Y’all ready?” He spoke to both of you, the look on your face leaving no doubt as to whether Ellie would go alone or not.

“Yes, we’re good to go,” you reply and he nods once before leading the way out, “Come on Ellie.” You don’t look at the room across the hall, even as the outline of the door burns bright in your peripheral. That it was closed and he was probably asleep inside only filled your stomach with rocks, so you keep your eyes forward and ignore the feeling.

The morning is crisp enough to see your breath and it wreaths around your head like a halo as you all make your way towards the barn. Your anger with Joel is a simmering pot on the back burner, and that’s where it has to stay, there’s too much to focus on with Ellie to give it any attention. Tommy leads the way, bundled up with a rifle on his back and the anger you’re trying to tamp down finds its bullseye.

“How much shit did you talk about Joel, Tommy? Be honest.” He turns, his brow furrowed, “Must have been a lot, with the way Maria was eyeing him.”

“Yeah, not to mention giving me some bullshit warning about him not being who I thought he was.” Ellie chimes in, he lets out a deep sigh.

“You don’t understand, we did terrible things-“

“Yes, both of you, and you got to explain yourself. You’re letting your grievances with your brother colour the way people in this town view him. If he stays here, you’ve just made his life harder when you both did the same shit.” You round the corner, ducking into the barn to find the man you’re discussing, loading the horse's saddle with what looked to be supplies. You’re angry at him, at the cruel words he threw at Ellie, at the thought that after all of your confessions he might have let you go. It’s hard not to feel relief that he’s here though, ready to follow her, ready to follow you. 

“You came here to say goodbye or something?” Ellie’s voice is neutral, but the hurt simmers under the surface. 

“No, I came here to steal one of these horses.” He kicks at the ground, nervous.

“I woulda gave you one.” Tommy sighs, his frown still in place but now directed at Joel.

“I know. Anyway, that was thirty minutes ago, and I guess you deserve a choice. I still think you’d be better off with Tommy-“

“Let’s go.” She tosses her bag at him. Your lip curls without your permission, but you keep it to yourself.

“Okay.” He grunts out the word, but you can see he’s just as affected as you are. He turns, and speaks to Tommy while you and Ellie lead the horses out, letting them have a moment. 

“You okay?” Ellie’s eyes find yours at the sound of your words, and for a moment you see her age and it breaks your heart. Her eyes are wide, dark shadows underneath them, all of the stress and the weight of her lot in this life painted across her face, and still she smiles. 

“Fuck yeah, all good.” 

God, she’s just a kid. 

“Let’s get going.” Joel comes out, Tommy’s rifle on his back and his eyes are wild, darting between you and Ellie. His words still ring out in your ears, but so does the knowledge of his loss. It’s the Rosetta Stone, the why of all of his anger and hurt and reluctance to open up to anyone and anything coming into focus. 

There are two horses, and Ellie claims one right away, leaving you to share with Joel. He climbs up and swings his leg around, then holds out his hand to help you climb on, and wordlessly you take it. The horse is calm underneath you, for which you are grateful, even when you climb up, much less graceful than Joel and sit tucked into his back. 

The anger in you still burns bright. Too bright to say anything to him just yet, so you let it wash over you. Ignore the happy chant to have him there, to have his familiar, safe shape solid in front of you, and focus on not spooking the animal beneath you. 

Hours pass with small talk between Ellie and Joel, and silence from you. He doesn’t press, but his voice sounds lighter than it ever has with her. You let them have this conversation and bonding and you keep your mouth shut. He tests the waters though, your arms wrap around his waist, and every so often you feel him squeeze your hand or your knee. A silent olive branch, a request for connection and as much as you try to hold out and ignore him, punish him for his cruelty, you cannot help but give in. You press your lips to the little bit of skin exposed at the back of his neck. You can feel the way he melts, and part of you feels guilty for denying him for so long, but then his words come back and so does the anger. 

Ellie has gone ahead, just a little bit, close enough that he can keep an eye on her, but far enough away that he tries his luck with words. 

“It was bad wasn’t it?” He speaks over his shoulder, his words heavy with resignation.

“Real bad.”

He sighs, but says nothing else. You don’t expect an apology, and you don’t get one. It’s there though, the remorse, in his voice, threaded through the soft words and explanations he gives Ellie as the day goes by. He speaks to her of his life before, and it’s a marvel to hear him speak so much, he used to be a contractor. The shape of the word in your mouth feels familiar, one of those words adults used to say but there’s no reference for it in your memory. She is happy, that is all that matters.

When you stop to camp, it’s in a densely populated forest, eerily quiet but good enough. The land is far enough away from any QZ to be free of infected, but they aren’t the biggest worry. He sets up camp, a couple of sleeping bags all piled together.

“Sleep, both of you, I’ll take first watch.” It doesn’t take much convincing on your part, and for once, Ellie doesn’t grumble, she yawns hard enough to tremble and gets into the sleeping bag without comment. You want to give him something, a promise that you’ll discuss what you both know you need to discuss but he shakes his head when your eyes meet. “Sleep, Sunny, you need your rest.”

You nod, and sleep claims you, quick as falling.

You wake with a gasp. 

“You’re okay.” He’s sitting on a fallen log, watching the surrounding darkness. Full consciousness creeps in, and awareness calms the anxiety of whatever nightmare that had spilled over. Even the horses are calm, no immediate danger threatening, but there’s no way you’re going back to sleep. 

“I’m up now. Here, give me the gun, you should get some shut-eye.” You stretch for a moment, before getting up. At this point, he knows you better than to argue, and so as much as he wants to keep watch, he gets up with a groan, and climbs into the sleeping bag still permeated with your body heat. The brief spark of warmth and comfort that was born of your new found intimacy with him, although still there, is obscured by the things you know you need to discuss, but it won’t be tonight. He knows it too, and so you keep watch, and when the morning comes, you all set out again. 

-

Days pass, and you travel in peace. The days are cold but clear, and he surprises you even more. He teaches Ellie to shoot, instructs her on how to load and reload the rifle, how to aim and even lets her keep a pistol and you can see the father so clearly in him. He notices your quiet withdrawal, and he lets you have your silence, but it doesn’t last.

Three nights into your trek, he finally breaks the silence. 

You feel him slip into the sleeping bag behind you, the night is colder than you expected and his warmth is welcome, even if your heart is still hurt. You’d found a small copse of trees, hidden enough that you could all sleep relatively calmly.

“Sunny.” It’s just above a whisper,  “How long you gonna punish me?” His breath tickles the little hairs at the back of your neck, raising goosebumps in its wake. You sigh.

“I’m not punishing you Joel.” His hand slips around your waist.

“You’re angry at me, I can feel it.” He presses his lips to the skin just below your ear, soft and sweet and your eyes close at the feel of it, you turn towards him. 

“I’m hurt,” he pulls you close enough to tangle his legs with yours, “Not just for what you said to Ellie, but for what happened to you.” You felt the clench in his jaw, felt how his body tensed. “I’m not trying to pry into your past Joel, I don’t want to open old wounds and make you relive anything, but I’ve been with the two of you long enough to see the bond. That girl-” you gestured to Ellie’s sleeping form near the horses, “-sees you as a father. You’re all she has, and you were ready to drop her.” 

“I know.” He pressed his forehead to yours, the tension going out of him like a balloon deflating. “It’s why I didn’t think I could do this, I am scared that I won’t be able to protect her, if she got hurt on my watch I couldn’t forgive myself.” All of a sudden you felt stupid, his anger and lashing out at her was a way to protect her, it didn’t excuse it, but it definitely explained it. “I don’t think she heard my whole conversation with Tommy, I was tellin’ him how scared I am.” 

“She needs you around, she needs to know you aren’t going to abandon her.” You can’t help but bring your hands to his face, comfort him. “We need you, I need you, I don’t want you to leave me behind either.” The little part of yourself that you’d been stomping down reared its head. “I’m sorry I slapped you, I shouldn’t have done that.” He shakes his head, dismissing your apology. 

“I won’t leave you behind. I meant it when I said I needed you to be patient with me.” He presses his lips to your hand, then to your lips, an apology and a promise and you clutch to it, despite the fear that permeates every aspect of the world. You don’t say anything more, trusting that when he's ready, he’ll tell you about his loss.

-

The university is a massive, rundown building, eerily quiet, without many signs of life. 

“No fireflies.” Ellie points out when you stop just in front of an overturned car.

“Probably in the middle, safer.” Joel leads the way, and the three of you continue throughout the grounds. He answers Ellie’s questions about University life, about anything and everything she can think of while you focus on your surroundings. The quiet irks you.

Monkeys roam the campus the closer you get to the building, and she’s excited to see them, you’re a little more wary but they scatter at the sound of you approaching.

“Lookit.” He points to a sign, a bright firefly symbol spray-painted onto it.

“Here we go.” She sounds a lot braver than she looks, her expression matches yours. This whole place was creepy, and your stomach roiled the closer you got to the entrance of the building. The sound of the horses' hooves clicking onto the pavement echo around you as you approach, guard houses sit unmanned just outside the door, and your stomach drops further. 

“Guard houses.” Joel voices your thoughts. 

“No guards.” You reply, and the mood sours further. “Let’s tie the horses, and continue on foot.” You gesture to a tree and they both nod in agreement. With them taken care of, you make your way inside. 

“Gun?” Ellie looks to Joel, and he nods, she takes out the pistol he’d trusted her with, his rifle at the ready and you follow close behind him, no weapon, but eyes sharp.

The inside is abandoned, but there is a mess of tables, discarded equipment and supplies left behind. 

“There were definitely doctors here.” She rifles through a stack of old gauze, gloves and other things littering the tables, pulling a list from under an empty box.

“This is a packing list,” Joel takes the list from her, “Something you make before moving.” There’s a distinct lack of dust and dirt blown in on the mess left behind you cannot help but focus on.

“Looks like they just left-” Something crashes above, movement in one of the higher floors interrupting your sentence, “maybe not all of them.” You move as one, slowly and quietly following the source of the noise, your heart races, scared of who or what you might find here. Joel leads the way, his rifle at the ready, Ellie brings up the rear, gun in her hands and pointed down like he’d taught her. The place looks more like an abandoned hospital than a school. There are carts knocked over, hospital beds and IV bags still hooked up to the poles littering the hallways. 

He counts down silently, hand just hovering over the door containing the source, and then opens it. A monkey shrieks, and seeing you jumps out the open window. You let out a heavy breath. 

“Well, at least it ain’t clickers.” Joel’s tone is as relieved as you feel. 

“Yeah, no fireflies either. Maybe in all that research they turned into fucking monkeys!” He frowns at her, there’s a disappointment heavy in the air. So much travelling, just to come up empty. There’s a giant map in the middle of the room though. You make your way over to it, there are different colour pins all leading up to one place, Salt Lake City, Utah.

“That’s where they went?” She’s staring at the map beside you. 

“All the pins lead there.” You press your finger to the spot on the map, Joel is beside you, all three of you studying it. 

“Maybe they were getting ahead of the weather? Better facilities? I don’t know.” He frowns, letting out a breath but you hear it, people talking outside the window. You shush them, gesturing to the window but they hear it now too. Your heart jackhammers in your chest, any and all peace you’d found from finding this place empty is gone. 

Quietly you all move closer and peek out the window, and see four men walking past, they hold crowbars, and baseball bats and it’s obvious they’re raiders. 

“Out the back.” Joel whispers, and then the three of you take off. Within a few tense minutes, you’re all back outside, ducking behind piled up sandbags to make sure you don’t encounter anyone. With the coast clear, you all run towards the horses. Ellie climbs up onto hers, and you climb onto the one you share with Joel while he unties them. 

“Joel!” Ellie screams, one man has followed, baseball bat high in the air but Joel turns in time and ducks out of the way, the bat swings hard, hitting the tree and shatters. Ellie holds up her arm, aiming the gun but they move too erratically. 

“Wait Ellie! You might shoot Joel–” She puts it down, he doesn’t need help, they grapple and slam against the tree but then Joel has wrapped his arm around the man's neck, and with a sickening crunch, he falls. When Joel turns, your stomach drops. 

He looks down, and the butt of the broken bat is sticking out of his lower abdomen. He takes a deep breath, and pulls it out and a wave of nausea hits you to see at least three inches of wood come out, his blood pulsing between his fingers. 

“Joel–get on the horse!” You scream out to him, seeing the others spotting you and running full speed. He struggles, but climbs up with a pained yell, swinging his leg over and managing to get in front of you. 

“Get back!” Ellie follows behind, shooting at them when they get too close, with the frosty wind whipping at your face you get away. The horses gallop across the grounds and away, your grip on Joel is iron.

You know that going so fast is only hurting him but you have to get far enough away that they won’t follow. 

“They don’t seem to be following us, I think we’re safe.” Ellie calls out behind you and you’re glad she’s keeping an eye on your back, because you cannot focus on anything other than Joel’s weakening grip on the reins. 

“Joely, baby you have to hold on, please–” He teeters, swaying like a boat in choppy waters and you feel the way he cannot hold himself up anymore. “Joel-Joel!” He topples off the horse and into a pile of snow despite your best efforts, he's so pale you can barely contain the tears that flow freely down your face. “Joel, please, please wake up, we need you to wake up.” You slap at his face, but he doesn’t stir. Ellie is off her horse and kneeling beside you, trying to aid in waking him but she’s as unsuccessful as you are. She presses his hands as well as hers to where the blood pulses out of him slowly. 

“Joel, open your eyes.” You stare at him while she speaks, pressing your hand to his face, “I can’t fucking do this without you, I don’t know where the fuck I’m going, or what the fuck I’m going to do, we need you Joel please, get up.” Tears stream down her face and it hits you then. You’ve cursed him, this is what comes from loving another person. 

There’s no time, you have to move him. 

“Let’s get him somewhere safe, Ellie, one of those houses.” You gesture to a residential area not far from where he fell. There’s no way you can carry him, instead you look for something to put him on that you can drag like a sled. You send Ellie to look, warning her to be careful and to keep her gun out and she comes back with a wide mat, almost like a big dog bed and it’s perfect. You shuffle him onto it, and tie the mat to the back of one of the horses, pulling him towards one of the houses. 

It takes so long to get him into the basement. By the time you’ve piled a stained mattress and musty blankets and laid him on it, your skin is slick with frozen sweat, your breath comes out in pants, exhausted with the effort. There had been an old towel in one of the bathrooms of the house, Ellie had grabbed it while you wrestled him to where he lay. Once settled, you ripped it up, and moved his shirt to press it to the wound, barely looking at it. You had to stop the bleeding, if he kept bleeding he’d die. 

“What are we going to do?” She watches, terrified. 

“I don’t know.” You want to comfort her, but you cannot stop swallowing the lump in your throat. You both stay quiet for a while after that, focused on his breathing. 

It’s because I love him

The thought squeezes your heart like a vice, the curse of you fills your head, overtaking every thought. This is what happens when you love another person, the black hole has taken him just like it took your parents, just like it took Johnny and there is nothing to be gained but misery and heartache. The black pit of your love is full of emptiness and all you’d done was sentence him to death. You should have just let them leave, given them your supplies and stayed in your trailer. 

Tears stream steadily down your face, hoping against hope that he’ll wake up, that the wound will close, that nothing inside had been too badly damaged. You hoped you’d wake up back in that bed in Jackson, that this was all just some horrible nightmare and that he’d be there, rubbing your back. You didn’t wake up though, and he lay there motionless while you cried, breathing shallow enough to fill your stomach with nothing but dread and nausea and regret and every other horrible thing you’ve felt since this world went to shit. 

You move the towel after a while, to see how bad the damage actually is and your body tenses, it’s angry and red and still blood pulses out, his skin shredded where the sharp wood had pierced him.

“We need to close it, we should see if we can find a needle and thread.” You speak to her, but she watches him, his eyes are open, and there is nothing but naked fear in them. He groans and grabs at your arm hard enough to bruise when you press the towel back to the wound. 

“Go.” He grits it out, at both of you. She puts her hands on yours, helping to staunch the blood. “Go, leave, take the gun.” He repeats it. 

“Shut up, shut the fuck up Joel!” She all but screams at him but he grabs her by the jacket, pulling her close. 

“You go.” He doesn’t relent, “You go. You go north, go to tommy.” He shivers, speaking the words clearly and when he pushes her back, she stumbles, staring at him in disbelief. His eyes find yours, and he repeats himself. “Leave.” He does not expect to survive, and all at once you are angry with him, angry with yourself for ever having opened your heart, angry at the world for your lot in life. His eyes find yours then, tears slowly streaming from them, the same anger burning in your chest shining out through his eyes. 

You wipe at your eyes, and rise. Leaving him there, as you make your way up the stairs, and out of the basement. 

She catches up to you in the kitchen. 

“Are we really leaving him?” 

“No. I’m looking for something to stitch him up, but if you want to go find Tommy I won’t stop you, you can shoot, and he’s taught you how to keep watch and find safe places to sleep. You can take all of the supplies–” You open cupboards, pulling them off the hinges in your haste and spilling drawers in the pursuit of something, anything to help him. 

“I’m not leaving either.” She moves, and helps you search. 

—

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[theambitiouswoman]

You are not meant to just get by. You are meant to live fully.

Many of us spend our lives stuck in survival mode—constantly reacting, anxiety, defensiveness, triggered, blaming ourselves, overthinking & doing whatever it takes just to get through the day. It could feel like you’re holding everything together, but deep down you know this isn’t sustainable. Imagine waking up feeling peaceful instead of stressed. Imagine having the time and energy to enjoy life, instead of just surviving it. That reality is possible, but it starts with a choice: to step out of survival mode & into the life you were meant to live.

Survival mode is exhausting. You feel:

• Overwhelming anxiety that makes you question every decision

• Constant burnout from never giving yourself a real break

• A scarcity mindset, always fearing there’s not enough time, money, or love

• Numbing emotions, because feeling them seems too hard

But you don’t have to live this way. You deserve to thrive, not just survive.

Signs You’re in Survival Mode:

• You feel like life is happening to you, not for you.

• You focus only on what’s urgent, ignoring what’s important.

• You’ve stopped dreaming or setting long-term goals.

• Every day feels like a race you’re barely finishing.

How to Break Free from Survival Mode:

1. Pause and Reflect

Give yourself permission to stop and ask: What am I running from or avoiding? Awareness is the first step to change

2. Prioritize Your Energy

• Sleep more

• Say “no” to things that drain you

• Focus on the few things that really matter

3. Heal the Root Cause

Often, survival mode is tied to past trauma or unhealed pain. Journaling, therapy, or even talking to a trusted friend can help release those emotions.

4. Shift Your Mindset

Practice abundance thinking. Replace “I can’t” with “How can I?” Gratitude journaling can also help rewire your brain to focus on the good.

5. Invest in Your Future

Start setting small goals, even if they feel impossible. Give yourself permission to dream again & build systems that support you instead of overwhelm you