#gotta loot that motherfucker

[dollfacefantasy]

Rookiepillz: Here We Go Again

pairing: leon kennedy x fem!reader

summary: almost a year after the rookiepillz incident, you and your now-boyfriend play some video games together. he's got a special strategy to help you win.

cw: nsfw (18+), smut, p in v, brief cockwarming, daddy kink, rookiepillz

word count: 1.8k

a/n: finally. rookiepillz has come back to tumblr. the most anticipated come back of the century in my book. i just needed something silly as a break from school. we'll be back to regularly scheduled programming momentarily. part 1 is here.

“ANOTHER GOJO!” you yell at your tv, flinging your controller to the other side of your couch. You feign a growl and look up at your boyfriend who’s lap you were laid up on. “Another fucking Gojo killed me. Can you believe this? It’s like a curse or something.”

He chuckles right next to your ear and kisses your temple. “You’ll get the win soon. You placed third that time, that’s not bad,” he tells you as you ready up again.

He was one to talk considering he planned and acted out a whole revenge scheme on you when he placed second. But hey, look at the two of you now. Snuggling on the couch, you wearing one of his shirts, playing video games in his lap while he gives you little smooches and whispers sweet nothings to you.

Sure, he used to be your stepdad, but he’s your man now. Sure, he dated your mom just to get back at you for beating him in a Fortnite match, but he also gave you the best dick of your life. And plus, he was pretty sweet when he wasn’t being a total asshole, so who are you to complain?

His arms squeeze around your waist, and he nuzzles the back of your neck, inhaling your scent as you beat on some innocent player in the lobby for having the default skin. He smiled as he watched your eyes light up with glee. He took in every word you said about how dropping at the pool house was the best strategy. He couldn’t get enough of you.

Yeah, he had fucked your mom as part of a long revenge plot over losing a victory royale. Yeah, he did humiliate you by spanking you and then revealing said revenge plot in the middle of fucking. But it’s only cause he knew you’d be his girl in the end. He was just having some fun with his sweetheart, right?

He half-watches you running around the map, giggling when you drive a car off a cliff or start doing the weeknd emote. A smile breaks across his face whenever you kill someone because you lightly tap his forearm and go “Look! Did you see that? I gottem.” And then he’d whisper to you, “mhm, that’s my girl” before planting another kiss on your cheekbone.

But what really got him going wasn’t the precious moments of joy or the sweet expressions of tension when you started losing health. No. What really fired him up was your rage. What could he say? It reminded him of nearly a year ago when he’d pulled you over his knee, the fire that had burned in your eyes. A day he’d never forget. 

All he had to do was be patient for your match to start winding down. Once that notification came up that said there were only 25 people left, that red monster inside you would start rearing its head. The “motherfucker’s” and “god damn it’s” would start flying, and in no time at all, you’d be wearing that adorable pouty expression.

Like right now. He watched your character explode into a pile of loot. You slammed the controller down on your laps and crossed your arms, sinking back into his embrace. “That’s such bullshit. At least it wasn’t Gojo again,” you grumble.

Fuck, it got him hard.

“I think I know your problem, baby,” he says. 

You look at him with a raised eyebrow. The one piece of certain leverage you had over your boyfriend was that you were a better Fortnite player. Whenever he gave you unsolicited advice on your playing, you made sure to bring up the fact that you had beaten him before.

“You’re getting so frustrated, y’know. I think you gotta calm down a bit. Let yourself relax so you can think and focus better. And I think I have a way you can do that,” he says.

“And what would that be?” you ask, tone growing softer as you start to catch on.

“How about you relax on daddy’s cock? I know you can only think straight once you’ve been filled up,” he purrs. His hands smooth up your stomach to your tits, coasting over your nipples that were already starting to harden out of instinct. Because if there was one guaranteed piece of leverage he had on you, it was that special word that you’d seemed so averse to just a few months ago.

“I think that’s a good idea,” you answer. It felt shameful that he could get a rush of arousal from you with just a simple word said in a particular tone.

You stand up, still working the controller as another match starts up. He tugs down your shorts for you, grinning like the madman he was at your lack of panties.

“Look at you all prepared,” he coos and kisses your hip, “You knew you’d be getting a treat from daddy today, hm?”

“Lucky guess,” you respond as he guides you back down. Your knees rest on either side of his thighs. He lines himself with your entrance and pulls you down until he’s bottomed out. You whimper and bite your lip, locking your eyes on the tv to focus.

For the beginning, he really does just let you sit there, nice and full. And maybe he was sort of right. You feel pretty calm so far. Everything is less stressful when, in the back of your mind, you’re noticing the way he twitches within you or the small grunts he lets out when you tighten around him.

You were so warm and tight. Felt just as good as the first time, and fortunately for you, there was no bombshell plot twist waiting around the corner. His fingers rub little circles on the outside of your thigh.

“What do you think? Is it helping, babydoll?” he asks.

“Mhm, thank you, daddy. Fits just right,” you say.

He chuckles at the cute way you say it. You work on sniping some people, he tests out rolling his hips. You sharply inhale but don’t protest. So he does it again. His cock slides through the warm embrace of your walls, kissing your favorite spots deep inside. You still seemed focused enough, so using his hands to hold you in position, he begins thrusting upwards.

Your breaths become longer and shakier, but you will yourself to maintain focus. The number of players was dwindling fast. He was bouncing you on his cock which normally left you empty-headed in seconds. But you needed this victory royale. You really were his girl.

He lets out a groan, leaning back against the couch cushions with his head tilted back. It wasn’t like he needed the win this time. He could let go. And so he did. He pistons his cock up into you faster by the moment.

“Fuck fuck fuck. Daddy there’s only two other people,” you whine in a plea for mercy.

“Almost there, baby,” he grunts. You honestly didn’t know if he was referring to your game or how close he was to cumming.

You don’t have time to think about that though because the circle is closing. You grit your teeth and grip the controller with all the focus you have left.

“Daddy, c’mon, I could win,” you whimper.

“I know, princess. You got this, pretty girl,” he mumbles while his eyes flutter. His abdomen twitches as he feels himself gearing up for release. “Tell you what. If you win this one, daddy’ll make sure you get a special reward later on.”

Now it is absolutely on. You can’t lose this. That’d be even more humiliating than the original rookiepillz incident. You’re dashing around the map as your boyfriend pumps in and out of you. It’s a difficult task, managing to hold off your release and try to win.

But soon enough you spot your targets. At the same time, it seems that Leon is reaching his. “Oh fuck, baby. So fuckin’ good. Daddy’s gonna fill you up just how you like,” he whimpers from behind you.

He bounces you, and you know your own peak is imminent. But you see the other players, and in an absolute miracle, you down one and then the other. The tv flashes gold with your victory as your body seizes with the white hot pleasure of release. Simultaneously, he unloads inside you, firing rope after rope into your tight cunt.

He fucks into you a few more times before actually coming back down to reality. You’re coming down too, melting back against his chest. He’s stroking your face when his eyes catch on the tv.

“Holy shit, you actually won?” he asks. His tone gives away that he’s actually impressed. and that’s your ultimate victory royale.

“Mhm, all for you,” you tease and lazily kiss his cheek.

“God, baby. Making me feel like the luckiest man alive right now,” he replies and reciprocates your small gesture of affection.

The two of you cuddle for a bit longer. You’re finished with the game, having finally gotten the win you wanted. And like always, he was such a sweetheart after, giving you kisses and praise, holding you close, even cleaning you up once he got up. Unfortunately, he had to go into work today, so it wasn’t long until he had to leave. He makes sure you’re content before he says goodbye with a kiss to your forehead.

Later that night though, you were alone at your place just as Leon was at his. You get a text. His contact lights up your lockscreen with the message “Get on Fortnite?”

You smile, hopping on your couch and turning on your console. You text back a “yeah hehe :)” He facetimes you, and you beam when you see his face, something you would have never thought possible when you met him. While you wait for everything to turn on and connect, you ask him about his day and how he’s feeling. He answers softly, heart melting at your interest.

To your surprise, when the game finally loads up, you have a gift. From rookiepillz himself.

“Leon…” you say excitedly.

“What?” he asks, playing dumb at first, “Just open it.”

So you do. You burst into laughter as Gojo appears on your screen next. “You’re so funny. I love you,” you giggle. It slips out so casually, he’s not even sure you registered what you’d let slip. He lets it go for now. He would tease you about it later. Right now, he was just so enamored with you.

As you prattled on about wanting to be the skin with the blindfold on and how he should get one for himself so you could match, he realized something. He’d lose every Fortnite match for the rest of his life if it meant he got you. His own personal victory royale.

[incorrect-hs-quotes]

[read along with this]

DAVE: ..................... [𝓈𝒾𝓃𝑔𝓁𝑒 𝒻𝓁𝓊𝓉𝑒 𝓃𝑜𝓉𝑒]

ROSE: On the horizon of this forest path, you see a group of dark cloaked figures slowly trudging toward you. What do you do?

JOHN: my half-orc barbarian braces her greathammer and-- that's a one.

ROSE: Critical fail. Jade, what do you do?

JADE: well!! i believe in anticipation my rogue would try and hide behind a tree-- ok i rolled a one :(

ROSE: That's another... critical fail. Dave, what does your human bard do?

DAVE: [𝓉𝒽𝓇𝑒𝑒 𝒻𝓁𝓊𝓉𝑒 𝓃𝑜𝓉𝑒𝓈] active perception check

ROSE: ...That's a natural twenty.

DAVE: lets fuckin go [𝒮��𝒞𝒦 𝐹𝐿𝒰𝒯𝐸 𝑅𝐼𝐹𝐹]

DAVE: i feel it in my fingers ⁽ˢⁿᵃᵖ⁾ i feel it in my toes ⁽ᶠˡᵘᵗᵉ⁾ these motherfuckers mean to harm us...........and theyve got to go

𝐒𝐎 𝐂𝐌𝐎𝐍 𝐆𝐄𝐓 𝐄𝐌 𝐍𝐎𝐖

you picked the wrong day. to fuck around with my

TIGHT CREW ⁽ᵒʰ ᵒʰ⁾

theres no escaping it (i can perceive you) heres what were gonna do [𝒶𝓃𝑜𝓉𝒽𝑒𝓇 𝓈𝒾𝒸𝓀 𝒻𝓁𝓊𝓉𝑒 𝓇𝒾𝒻𝒻]

ME AND MY BOYS ARE GONNA MESS YOU UP

JOHN: i rolled a one.

JADE: i rolled a one :(

DAVE:

FUCK

my boys are otherwise engaged. so im gonna bring it ALL MYSELF

hhey i forgot youre supposed to tell me what i see right

ROSE: Yes, thank you. Let's just slow it all down a bit. So, you notice that one of the hooded figures is a little shorter--

DAVE: 𝐢 𝐜𝐚𝐬𝐭 𝐯𝐢𝐜𝐢𝐨𝐮𝐬 𝐦𝐨𝐜𝐤𝐞𝐫𝐲 𝐧𝐚𝐭 𝐭𝐰𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐲 𝐥𝐞𝐭𝐬 𝐠𝐨

YOURE A SHORT MOTHERFUCKER AND NOBODY LIKES YOU

[𝓈𝒾𝒸𝓀 𝒻𝓁𝓊𝓉𝑒]

SHORT

everybody says "look how fuckin short that guy is" and it stops you from forming 𝓶𝓮𝓪𝓷𝓲𝓷𝓰𝓯𝓾𝓵 𝓻𝓮𝓵𝓪𝓽𝓲𝓸𝓷𝓼𝓱𝓲𝓹𝓼

when you were born everybody thought that you were just a head but THEN THE DOCTOR SAID "WAIT. this 𝐬𝐭𝐮𝐩𝐢𝐝 𝚖𝚘𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚏𝚞𝚌𝚔𝚒𝚗 tiny ꜱʜᴏʀᴛ ᴀꜱꜱ ʙᴀʙʏ got a tiny little ɪᴛᴛʏ ʙɪᴛᴛʏ ʙᴏᴅʏ and i 𝐇𝐀𝐓𝐄 it"

ROSE: Your attack lands and absolutely SHATTERS the mind of the cloaked figure; perception check, please?

DAVE: nat twenty lets go

ROSE: You perceive the figure was so short because it was a CH--

DAVE: --ild. its always a kid

ROSE: Specifically the child you've been looking for for the last fifteen days game time and five days of our actual lives.

DAVE: ok im sorry i didnt know ill be better. ᵘᵍᵍʰʰfuck his bodys just lying there right

ROSE: ...

DAVE: right

ROSE: ...Yes... ...!! Don't--

DAVE:

LOOT THAT BODY

gotta 𝓛𝓞𝓞𝓣 𝓣𝓗𝓐𝓣 𝓑𝓞𝓓𝓨 𝓝𝓞𝓦

LOOT THAT BODY

gotta loot that motha𝐅𝐔𝐂𝐊ᴬᴬᴬ !!! playin my flute when i 𝙻𝙾𝙾𝚃 ᴛʜᴀᴛ 𝔻𝔼𝔸𝔻 𝕂𝕀𝔻𝕊 𝓑𝓞𝓓𝓐𝓐𝓐𝓨

[𝓕𝓛𝓤𝓣𝓔 𝓜𝓞𝓜𝓔𝓝𝓣]

ＢＩＴＣＨ

[yzur02]

Perception check (Tom Cardy)

Jason: On the horizon of this forest path

You see a group of dark cloaked figures slowly trudging towards you

What do you do?

Maps: (My half-orc barbarian braces her great hammer and that's a one)

Jason: (Critical fail, Bruce, what do you do?)

Bruce: Well, I believe in anticipation

My rogue would try and hide behind a tree- okay, I rolled a one

Jason: (That's another critical fail)

(Tim, what does your human bard do?)

Tim: (Active perception check)

That's a natural twenty, let's fucking go

I feel it in my fingers

I feel it in my toes

These motherfuckers mean to harm us

And they got to go

So come on, get 'em now

You picked the wrong day to fuck around with my

Tight crew, oh-oh

There's no escaping it

I can perceive you

Here's what we're gonna do

Me and ma boys gonna mess you up

Maps: I rolled a one

Bruce: I rolled a one

Tim: Fuck

My boys are otherwise engaged

So I'm gonna bring it all myself, hey

I forgot, you're supposed to tell me what I see, right?

Jason: Yes, thank you, Let's just slow it all down a bit

So, you notice that one of the hooded figures is a little shorter-

Tim: (I cast Vicious Mockery, nat twenty, let's go)

You're a short motherfucker and nobody likes you (short)

Everybody says "Look how fucking short that guy is"

And that stops you from forming meaningful relationships

When you were born, everybody thought that you were just a head

But then the doctor said

"Wait, this stupid muthafuckin' tiny, short ass baby

Got a tiny, little itty bitty body

and I hate it"

Jason: Your attack lands and absolutely shatters the mind of the cloaked figure

Perception check, please

Tim: (Nat twenty, let's go)

Jason: You perceive the figure was so short because it was a child

Tim: (It's always a kid)

Jason: (Specifically the child you've been looking for for the last fifteen days)

(Game time and five days of our actual lives)

Tim: Okay, I'm sorry, I didn't know, I'll be better

(His body's just lying there, right? Right?)

Jason: Yes? Don't-

Tim: Loot that body

Gotta loot that body now

Loot that body

Gotta loot that motherfucka

Play my flute when I loot that dead kid's body

Jason, punching Tim in the face: Bitch!

[broadway-dave]

so that was fun

except for the part where @broadway-terezi​ talked over me i wasnt even done

really didnt like that

anyway it was a sad day when he jumped up to that ring

good thing dsprite came in clutch though

lyrics under the cut

[VERSE 1]

Oh Egbert, oh Egbert, oh Egbert, come down

Won't you get up off, get up off the roof?

You're scaring us and all of us, some of us love you

Oh Egbert, it's not much but there's proof

You crazy-assed heir of breath, remember your virtue

Redemption lies plainly in truth

Just humor us, oh Egbert, oh Egbert, come down

Won't you get up off, get up off the roof?

[INTERLUDE 1]

[You know I'm from the future, Egbert, you've got to listen to me. I know vaguely what she's telling you might seem like a good idea at first but you gotta stop and actually think about it man. Like a shortcut? Really? She's toying with you.]

[VERSE 2]

Oh Egbert, oh Egbert, oh Egbert, come down

Won't you get up off, get up off the roof?

The self is not so weightless, nor whole and unbroken

Remember the pact of our youth

Where you go, I'm going, so jump and I'm jumping

Since there is no us without you

Soldier on, oh Egbert, oh Egbert, come down

Won't you get up off, get up off the roof?

[PRE-CHORUS 1]

Loathe the way the game took our homes

But love the sweet shit we've been making

Hurt and grieve but don't suffer alone

Engage with the game and awaken

[CHORUS 1]

Today, of all days, see

How the most dangerous thing is to trust

How you will heal and you'll rise above

[INTERLUDE 2]

[Well, not literally. Seriously, put that thing down. Would you do this in your ghostbusters MMO? If you try to go through with this crazy ass plan the whole timeline will be doo- ]

Oh Egbert, oh Egbert, oh Egbert, fly now

You are absent of cause or excuse

So self-indulgent and self-referential

No Alternian would stay there like you

You crave all the power yet hate all the waiting

So listen, you’ll save your whole crew

I’m not trolling, oh Egbert, so go with it now

It's a pointless resistance for you

[INTERLUDE 3]

[If you just listen to me, you know that I'm speaking logically. Jumping ahead can get you so much loot and power up your whole team! All those rare grist types that'll be there too, you can alchemize some wicked shit. Hear me out here!]

[VERSE 3]

Oh Egbert, oh Egbert, just put down the rocket

Don't listen to what you've been told

It's chaos, confusion and wholly unworthy

Of feeding and it's wholly untrue

You may think its worth it or a chance worth the taking

It's all just bullshitting and gloom

And there will not be meaning, I've been there and seen it,

Do not waste yourself on this roof

[PRE-CHORUS 2]

Hear those bells ring deep in the soul

Chiming away for a moment

Feel your breath course frankly below

And see life as a worthy opponent

[CHORUS 2]

Today, of all days, see

How the most dangerous thing is to trust

How you will heal and you'll rise above

Crowned by an overture bold and beyond

Ah, it's more courageous to overcome

[INTERLUDE 4]

[Egbert, she’s sending you to your death. And if you die, so does Jade. Don't take the risk.]

[BRIDGE]

You want the acclaim, the mother of mothers (it's not worth it, oh Egbert)

To just win the game or shiny grist colors (don't listen, oh Egbert)

But be real and just jump, you dense motherfucker (you're worth more, oh Egbert)

You will not be more than a rat in the gutter (so much more than a rat)

You want my opinion, my opinion you've got (no one asked your opinion)

You asked for my counsel, I gave you my thoughts (no one asked for your thoughts)

Be done with this now and jump off the roof (be done with this now and get off the roof)

Can you hear me, oh Egbert? I'm talking to you

I'm talking to you

I'm talking to you

I'm talking to you

Oh Egbert, come down

Oh Egbert, come down

[INTERLUDE 5]

[I know you're still considering it, but I promise it ain't worth it. This ain't just about the game, we’re best bros. I think Jade would miss you too, but Rose definitely did. So please, man, just listen to me and not that troll. ]

[VERSE 4]

Throw yourself into the unknown

With pace and a fury defiant

Clothe yourself in beauty untold

And see life as a means to a triumph

[CHORUS 3/OUTRO]

Today, of all days, see

How the most dangerous thing is to trust

How you will heal and you'll rise above

Crowned by an overture bold and beyond

Ah, it's more courageous to overcome

[cryptozoolliegy]

On the horizon of this forest path

You see a group of dark cloaked figures slowly trudging towards you

What do you do?

My half-orc barbarian braces her great hammer and that's a one

Critical fail, Steve, what do you do?

Well, I believe in anticipation

My rogue would try and hide behind a tree- okay, I rolled a one

That's another critical fail

Tom, what does your human bard do?

Active perception check

That's a natural twenty, let's fucking go

I feel it in my fingers

I feel it in my toes

These motherfuckers mean to harm us >:(

And they got to go

So come on, get 'em now✨

You picked the wrong day to fuck around with my

Tight crew, oh-oh

There's no escaping it

👁️I can perceive you👁️

Here's what we're gonna do

🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶

✨Me and ma boys gonna mess you up✨

I rolled a one :(

I rolled a one :(

Fuck

My boys are otherwise engaged

So I'm gonna bring it all myself :>

Yes, thank you, let's just slow it all down a bit

So, you notice that one of the hooded figures is a little shorter-

I cast Vicious Mockery, nat twenty, let's go

🎶You're a short motherfucker and nobody likes you (short)🎶

Everybody says "Look how fucking short that guy is"

And that stops you from forming meaningful relationships 😔

When you were born, everybody thought that you were just a head

But then the doctor said

"Wait, this stupid muthafuckin' tiny, short ass baby

Got a tiny, little itty bitty body and I hate it" 😒

Your attack lands and absolutely shatters the mind of the cloaked figure

Perception check, please

Nat twenty, let's go

You perceive the figure was so short because it was a child 👧

It's always a kid

Specifically the child you've been looking for for the last fifteen days

Game time and five days of our actual lives

Okay, I'm sorry, I didn't know, I'll be better

His body's just lying there, right? Right?

Yes? Don't-

✨Loot that body✨

Gotta loot that body now

Loot that body

Gotta loot that motherfucker

Play my flute when I loot that dead kid's body✨

🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶

~Bitch~

I LOVE THIS SO MUCH OMG I LOVE THE WAY YOU'RE STRUCTURING THIS OFSKFKSFKSK

[thegeminisage]

so i did wind up popping up into the castle after all...found a cool stone talking about how the castle has to stay in place to maintain the demon king's seal

also found a cool spiral staircase that is broken, which of course is twilight princess core

i think i am gonna try to get out this way, i bet the loot is good, and it doesnt seem far

oh yeah, this is where i nearly got lost before lol. so now i know right where i am

lol jerrin paid me for saving her life. thank you maam

OH......................................

monster lookout guy told me there's a group in faron!!!!!! oh my god this is it this is IT!

south of lake hylia, west of highland stable. can't miss it!!!! oh man i'm so excited

eugh, no fast travel points near there...i need to do more shrines

absolutely delightful to be back in faron again actually. now that i won't die instantly. always was my favorite part of the botw map

omg theres a boy playing flute in a tree here! alttpcore.

aww beedle infodumps about the bugs you buy and sell lol

people here are talking about that animal zelda had with her in the trailers...i still wanna know what the deal with that is

ohhh and this horse minigame motherfucker...NOT today satan

and my journalism buddy! so much to do at stables 😭

LMAO apparently zeldas voice is coming out of a well nearby. truth coming out of her well to shame mankind!! love and light i don't have time for that i gotta do lurelin next

except actually i have to take a break >:( dog walking and maybe lying down, im dying

[s0uljacker]

The Midnight Vanguard - by me

Sometimes life ain’t got shit going in it.

Got me riding round like I am on a mission.

One way that I know to go and get it.

Ghost every body I don’t fuck with anybody 

Hating everybody is a motherfucking hobby.

I’ma set a bomb in the motherfucking lobby.

Cause when that thing comes rising all around me

Ima take it straight to the motherfucking ground E I’m on this shit like a mission 

I don’t give a fuck who you kissing 

It’s everybody I’m dissing 

Yeah every corpse that I’m pissin 

It’s based off intuition 

I took some blades and some missiles 

The way I know to solve issues After that you need tissue 

And it depends on the venue 

Different people gon feel you

And others they hate you

Don’t nobody want date you

So I go raping?????

Wait retract that statement!!!!!!!

I don’t know what I am saying. I’ma pack all my hate into a fucking cigarette. 

I’ma spin the wheel of death. 

I’m a take it to a nest.

I don’t give this shit a rest

Over use it till I fell

Mother fuck a wishing well

I’m a ride this road to hell that I'm on Alone in the valley,

I don’t know what I am doing 

I done gone and lost my pursuit and,

Really just a lost full man.

Overused tool can.

So go head and shoot me

Followed by looting.

Asking what was I doing so you discard my body

I don’t deserve anybody

Im gonna rot on the pavement 

That shit right there is a statement

What I do lately?

Had regret since a baby

Acted to shady.

Never could keep a lady Sometimes life ain’t got shit going in it.

That’s why it’s up to you to go and get it.

Riding around the valley when I should’ve been dipping,

Caught in your quicksand then started slipping.

Fuckers like you be the first to get faded.

All of that bullshit stay over rated.

Hive mind fuckers gotta stay so sedated 

Only time I care is when the blunt gets rotated. I guess I’m too jaded.

You see like as of damn lately.

I’ve taken mental vacations.

To different lands and some places.

I had a wife and a baby. 

I tend to dream that shit daily.

I ruled the land as a king.

The sun shined down upon me. So you move forward

Right through the door bruh

It’s just me and some cobras

And we getting to know ya.

For some hour long torture 

And see yeah I ain’t no doctor 

But sir your not looking well

Extract your heart go to hell Does my name ring a bell?

See I am the guy that rebelled

I jumped right off yeah I fell

But they know I fought well

My avant garde is the spell

I fought the demon cartel

I’m on that new age pastel I see her face in my dreams

But she does not look at me

I’m asking why don’t you see.

A man that wants to be free.

Me you and kid makes a three.

The thought it feels me with glee

Now I’m sitting like damn

I don’t know even know who I am.

Asking what was the plan.

Am I even a man?

Things that I can’t understand 

Stuck with my face in my hand

Escaping tarnishing lands

From the time, winds and sand

The Midnight Vanguard, is just who I am.

[canary3d-obsessed]

Restless Rewatch: The Untamed, Episode 01

(Masterpost) (Next Episode)

Warning: This is **FULL **of spoilers, not just for this episode but for the entire series. If you haven’t finished all 50 episodes, please don’t read it! 

Intro: 2020 continues to be much much too much while also being incredibly boring, and Im done with Shen Wei’s Lewks, so now I’m doing a deep meta dive into the Untamed. Let’s roll! 

Prologue: The Battle of Mordor

The Demise of our Protagonist

Unlike some other shows I won’t name, The Untamed kills its suicidal queer protagonist immediately, rather than waiting four seasons, so we know what we're in for. 

This is Wei Wuxian, who is about to yeet himself off of a cliff. He is having a bad day. 

Note: if mouth blood bothers you...C-Drama might not be your thing. 

Reasons for mouth blood: a sampler

Anyway...cliff time

Note: if (fictional) suicide bothers you...C-Drama might not be your thing. 

To be fair there are hardly any suicides in The Untamed. No more than ...five? As long as you don’t count the entire population of the Wen Corporate Headquarters in Yiling or those wall bandits in Qinghe or Madame Yu or all those Wens who supposedly threw themselves into the mud puddle or that Mo guy who broke his own neck. Plus watching Wei Wuxian’s cliff drop several more times from multiple angles. So, you know. Hardly Any Suicides. 

This is Lan Wangji, who is about to have his first losing encounter with physics. He is having a bad day.

In fact, if it is possible to have a worse day than the guy who is currently falling to his death, Lan Wangji is having that.

This is Jiang Cheng, who is feeling extra stabby from this camera angle. He is having a bad day.

Camera operator: why you gotta take it out on me? 

(Much, much more after the cut!)

The Amulet Situation

This is the Stygian Tiger Amulet. Yes, by all means, (Netflix) subtitles, let's use a 12-dollar word, “Stygian,” that every English speaker who is not a Shelley/Byron shipper will have to look up. Let’s not use a normal word like "deathly" or "corrupt" or you know... "Yin" which is clearly what they are saying on screen.

Why does this tiger amulet look like a chameleon crossed with a remora? Wei Wuxian can paint photorealistic bunnies on a flimsy lantern while sitting in a field having distracting teenage lust, but two months of meditating with super magic gets him a tiger that looks like a chameleon. And don’t try telling me this is a traditional-Chinese-art vibe because this jade tiger from frickin 1000 BCE is way more tigerish than Wei Wuxian’s attempt. 

Try harder next time, Wei Wuxian.

This is thousands of cultivators having a battle.  What do you mean, it looks like about 40-60 dudes?

 Any time someone in The Untamed refers to a number of people, it is like when you do your high school play and look off into the wings at nothing and say “Hark, A Ship Approaches!” and everyone’s parents nod indulgently.

Jin Clan Mountain Hunt:

*viewership nods indulgently*

This is Captain Blowhard, over on the right, courtesy name Clan Leader Yao. His job is to talk smack about Wei Wuxian and stick up for whoever is the biggest asshole in any given scene.  

He represents mainstream cultivation-world values so here he is shanking one of his allies to take the deadly amulet of evilness.

The Present Day

Spilling All That Yiling Laozu Tea

Down at the Exposition Tea Shop, the Lan juniors are chilling and listening to Tea Dude tell the story of Yiling Laozu. 

How did they get permission to take this field trip? “Principal Qiran, we want to go downtown to hang out with the local rabble and learn about your favorite person, Wei Wuxian.”

Waiting in the wings is the man with a fan and a plan, Nie Huaisan(g), who is paying tall loot to get these stories told.  

...Why? Is Mo Xuanyu having tea here and listening? Or is Wei Wuxian being summoned back by hearing all this smack being talked about him? *Shrug.*

Gank Your Soul

Drunk flag guy out here talking about spirits. Wikipedia tells me that In one school of Daoist thought, a human being has a collection of physical souls (魄 pò) and ethereal souls (魂 hún). Drunk flag guy is saying “hún ” at the moment. 

The many types of souls don’t translate well into English, where spiritual vocabulary has always been shackled connected to Christian beliefs, and is too limited for this context. So when the subtitles have conversations like “Is it a soul eater? No, no, it’s a spirit taker!” just roll with it. (Speaking of hún, if you have any interest in linguistics, do yourself a favor and go read all the wonderful meta @hunxi-guilai​)

The spirit-carrying flag looks a lot like Raava and Vaatu from Korra which...probably doesn’t mean anything.

The Demise of our Trill Host

Suicide #2 happens about 8 minutes in. 

Mo Xuanyu is that hippie roommate with the annoying wind chimes and bead curtains and blood spatter.

He is super mad at his terrible family and also at Jin Guangyao, who sent him home to his terrible family. I wonder if Fan Man Nie Huaisang influenced Jiggy’s decision-making there. Mo Xuanyu’s choice to die for revenge might be excessive, given how easy it actually is to murder the Mo family.

Being Alive Is Fine I Guess As Long As I Get To Fuck WIth People

Wei Wuxian starts his new life by splashing a little water on his face, which instantly makes his hair go from this

to this. 

He looks at his reflection and wishes he was dead, which--mood--but he gets over it as soon as he finds someone whose day he can fuck up.

And he is ALL in on being crazy. 

OP wishes she had the Wei Wuxian kind of crazy instead of the kind she actually has. 

Meanwhile, this is the sane Mo cousin:

This asshole is wearing one of the best fabrics in the whole show, incidentally. Asshole.

My favorite bit of Wei-Mo craziness is when Wei Wuxian does a meaningless 360 all the way around this dude before ducking in the opposite direction, which is like when I make 4 right turns around a whole block to avoid making a single left across traffic.

Perhaps I Do Miss One Thing In This Life

Wei Wuxian has pining thoughts about Lan Wangji, so he plays WangXian on a fucking blade of grass well enough for Sizhui to recognize it from his dad's guqin jams. 

Wei Wuxian is a better flautist than even Inspector Gadget BeatBoxing Flute Guy (Google it).

Our Many Many Spirit Lure Flags have Lured A Spirit, Oh Shit

Lan Clan has a Plan and Wei Wuxian is a Fan

Having one single lure flag stuck in Wen Ning’s torso caused spirits to basically eat him alive, so to catch one evil spirit, 6 disciples holding flags on the roof plus 8 more flags on the ground seems like a good amount. Wei Wuxian is like “yep, a single one of these will lure every spirit for five miles, carry on, younglings.”

Baxia Does the Heavy Lifting

Wei Wuxian is supposed to kill four people because of this curse situation, and in the course of the series they all die, and he kills exactly zero of them. The curse on Wei Wuxian’s arm should be called the scorekeeper curse. 

Baxia’s spirit pinballs around the Mo clan, rapidly killing three people on Mo Xuanyu’s list plus a couple extras for good measure.  Who's a good blade? Baxia is! Yess you are! Yes you are!

This here is the exact point in the show where your friend, who has listened to you squee about The Untamed for three months and finally agreed to watch it with you, will say “what the fuck am I watching?” and try to get up off the couch. Tackle them! 

This also the point where we all realize that the prosthetic and practical effects in this show were probably not made by the people who made the clothing, because the quality is...variable. The white eyeballs are pretty good, but the glove of death is ridiculous.

Camera operator: why you gotta take it out on me?

While Baxia goes to town on the Mo clan, the Lan Clan babies...watch? And tie up the various victims after they are already goners. 

Narrator: Her son is dead.

Meanwhile, 

Wei Wuxian, you motherfucker. You’ve been alive for like 7 hours and you’re already building a new zombie army. No wonder you don’t want them to call Lan Wangji.

Hanguang-Jun Cut It Up One Time

Lan Wangji shows up and very slowly kicks zombie ass with his guqin. If you are used to Hong Kong action speeds, you will find The Untamed very peaceful.

 All of the baby Lans fan squee up at Lan Wangji like he's the cultivation world's David Bowie and...they're not wrong. Jesus Fuck, he’s charismatic.

Lan Wangji is soft boi when he discovers this murderous sword full of dead-bastard energy, because it reminds him of his true love.

Like the talk about souls, the conversations about the nature of the murderous entity really don’t survive translation into English.

Servant: it’s a ghost! 

WWX: it’s not a ghost, it’s a spirit

Babies: It’s a spirit

LWJ: it’s not a spirit, it’s a [...] ghost

Our Protagonist gets the FOH

Wei Wuxian is soft boi when he sees Lan Wangji, but not so soft that he considers actually, like, sticking around. 

Wei Wuxian is also clueless boi, noting Lan Wangji’s white clothing and thinking, as in the past, that he looks like he’s dressed in mourning. The term he uses is 戴孝, which google tells me means the type of outfit worn by Jiang Yanli after Wen Ning rips her husband’s heart out someone who is in mourning. 

Actually, Wei Wuxian, you dumbass, he is in actual mourning, actually, for you. Dumbass. He probably packed away all of his blue outer robes 16 years ago and only takes them out occasionally to reminisce about that nice date you had on your mountain of corpses. 

On his way out the door Wei Wuxian manages to find a red ribbon for his beautiful hair, so things are looking up. 

Where to go next...hey I know, how about that one haunted mountain with the killer statue, you know, the one that all my executed friends and child came from? That’ll be fun and a great way to put the past behind me!

Episode 02 Restless Rewatch is here!

[loversdelusion]

Days Scattered

Deacon St. John x St. John!Reader

Part 1 of 3

part two-part three

The St. John Siblings.

(Y/n) and Deacon Lee St. John.

(Y/n), Deacon's younger sister by 6 years.

They were both very close growing up, Deacon would do anything for his little sister, her all the same.

Their bond was no different in the Apocalyptic wasteland of Oregon. Boozer, (Y/n) and Deacon stuck by each other's side since they left Farewell, since they said goodbye to Sarah.

"Deacon, (Y/n), you there? Lost Lake to St. John siblings, come back" Boozer's voice sounded through the walkie talkie strapped to Deacon's chest "Yeah, Boozer?" Deacon acknowledged him, his eyes keeping a close eye on his sister, who was currently harvesting some plants they could use "What's up?" Deacon's voice lowered, barely noticeable.

"A group of Rippers were seen driving by the camp, looked like they were heading in your direction, keep a look out" Deacon's dark brows furrowed together "Dammit.." Deacon muttered under his breath "Okay, yeah, we'll make our way back" his put down the device and looked around for (Y/n), who was suddenly nowhere to be seen.

"(Y/n)..?" Deacon's eyes darted around the area "(Y/n), where are you?" He turned, his worry was gradually climbing "(Y/n)?" He called, he could hear the sound of roaring motors in the distance- probably the Rippers Boozer was talking about "(Y/n)! Dammit, you were just here!" He hastily searched around the small grove "(Y/n)!" He fumbled around with the walkie talkie strapped to his chest "(Y/n)! Where are you? We need to go!" He spoke into the device, crackling noises sounded back.

"Deek? What's wrong?" He sighed in relief when he heard her voice "Jesus, (Y/n)..we gotta go, there's Rippers coming and we aren't safe here, where did you go?" Static again before her voice replied "I found a stream, and there's fish in it" he nodded like she could see him "Okay, ju- just wait there, I'm coming to you" he strapped the small device back to his chest and immediately set into a light jog.

"(Y/n)?" He called out in a normal voice, scanning the bank of the stream "Over here" her voice came from behind a small bush, practically hiding her figure "I caught a few, we can turn them into the kitchen" Deacon eyed four fish beside her "Okay, but we have to go, here let me" he knelt down beside her, pulling a roll of string out of his bag and quickly stringing the fish together. "'Kay, c'mon" he tied the fish to his belt and grabbed her wrist, pulling her along with him "If we make it in time, we can leave before they get here" he said through panted breaths.

Yet, as always, the St. John's luck was never on their side, Deacon came to a halt, pulling them down into a crouch "Fuck..!" He said through gritted teeth, (Y/n) sighed "We can take them, there's only 3" (Y/n) said, a hopeful lilt in her tone, Deacon's gaze hardened as 5 more Rippers pulled up "Of fucking course.." (Y/n) muttered under her breath.

"The Lost are here!" The pair listened in as one of the Ripper's exclaimed "Find them" The group of Ripper's spread out, slowly stalking towards them "Go, go back to the stream, hurry!" Deacon said through hushed whispers "I'm right behind you" he nudged her back in the direction of the stream, the younger St. John did as she was told, scrambling up in a low crouch, Deacon following after her.

"How are we going to get back to the bikes?" (Y/n) asked after they made it an okay ways away to stop for a few minutes "You go around, I'll distract them" Deacon and (Y/n) shared a worried glance. "No, that's crazy even for you" she said, taking his larger hand in hers "We go together, Deek" her tone was firm "Together or I'm staying right here" Deacon sighed heavily "Don't do this now, just go, I'll be fine" her brows furrowed in frustration "Fine" she said, pulling away from him and walking away "Be careful".

Deacon turned away from her fleeting form, seeing 6 of the Ripper's coming into view, armed with Machine Guns and Rifles "Okay, time to get low, motherfuckers" Deacon never did notice the absence of the other 2 Ripper's.

(Y/n) carefully treaded along the grassy area, keeping a steady watch on her surroundings "(Y/n)?" The sound of her brothers came through the walkie talkie, startling her for a brief second "Yeah?" She replied "Make your way back to Lost Lake, I'll meet you there" she rolled her eyes, shaking her head "I'll wait for you" (Y/n) neared the road, glancing in both directions to make sure no one was on it.

Seeing that no one was near, she walked back in the direction of the bikes, walking in the tree line to stay hidden in case someone did drive by. Her eyes caught sight of numerous bikes parked on the road, her pave quickened as she could see her and brothers bikes still there, looking to be in the same condition they left them in.

She let out a breath of relief as she stood by her bike, she quickly checked it over, making sure nothing was missing "Deek?" She pulled the walkie talkie closer to her mouth "I'm here, you at the bikes?" He replied, she smiled "Yeah, are they all gone?" Deek took a second to reply "Yep, all dead and accounted for" (Y/n) could hear the exhaustion in his voice "Heading back now" She put the device back in its place, doing Deacon the favor of also checking over his bike.

She was crouched down, eyeing the engine and all that, the scuff of boots meeting gravel caught her attention, she didn't turn to look "That was fast" she jested, coming to a full stand once she deemed her brothers bike good. "Expecting your brother..Mongrel Princess?" She gasped, turning to meet 2 Ripper's, their bloodied and cut up bodies in full view, she quickly reached for her walkie talkie but the Ripper that didn't speak to her lunged for her, knocking the device out of her hand.

"No!" She yelled, thrashing against the Ripper's hold, their drug fueled strength proved to be 10x stronger than her, she grunted as she continued to fight against them "Carlos will be most pleased to see that we have caught the little Princess" the Ripper was in her face, she could smell his breath wafting into her nose, she cringed.

"Let go of me, you fucks!" She cried, kicking at the Ripper that wasn't holding her, trying to push him away, her boot-clad foot ended up connecting with the Ripper's groin, he doubled over in pain, she smirked at the satisfaction "Did that hurt, motherfucker? I hope it did!" She growled, the Ripper stood "Little bitch!" was the last thing she heard as the Ripper slapped her so hard, she blacked out.

Deacon finished looting all of the bodies, hoping to find some rags so he could fix up some bandages for a couple hits he took, he walked towards the direction of the bikes, wrapping the bandage around a bullet gash on his arm "-you fucks!" He halted in his tracks, picking up the sound of yelling "(Y/n)" he said, taking on a full sprint, the sight of 2 Ripper's lugging his unconscious sister onto the back of their bikes entered his vision.

"(Y/n)!" He shouted, adrenaline fueling him "No, (Y/n)!" The 2 Ripper's turned to him, having fully got his sister on one of their bikes "Let her go, you bastards!" The Ripper's started their bikes, the rev of the engines haunting Deacon "No, no!" He sprinted even faster if at all possible, they were pulling away from the grove, Deacon ran at the bike that had (Y/n), lunging with his full body at it but they were too fast, Deacon landed face first into the pavement, he scrambled to his feet despite the pain.

He felt so hopeless as he watched them drive away, their figures getting further and further by the second, his knees crashed to the ground. Defeat, failure, hopelessness and fear clouded his mind and body, defeat because he couldn't stop them, failure because he couldn't protect (Y/n), hopelessness because he was so close to saving her, if he was any faster, she would be in his arms right now, and finally..fear, fear because of what they do to hostages.

He sat against his bike, back against the engine "St. John to Lost Lake, do you copy? Deacon St. John to Lost Lake, come back" static filled his ears as he waited for a reply "Deek?" The familiar voice of Rikki reached his ears "Is everything alright?" Deacon's head lulled back, hitting the tank of the bike "No, Rikki.." He muttered, gaze set on the direction of where the Ripper's went.

"What is it? Is (Y/n) okay?" A lump formed in his throat, scared his voice would crack and waver if he answered, he waited a few seconds, taking a deep breath before he spoke again "No, goddammit" his reply was quick "What happened? Is she hurt?" Rikki's voice was taking on a worried tone "She will be, we were attacked by Ripper's, I- I thought that I- I thought that I killed them all but I guess not.." Deacon held his head in the hand that wasn't holding the walkie talkie.

"They took her..the last 2 Ripper's that I didn't kill, they took her" it was quiet for what felt like forever until Rikki spoke again "Okay, come back to camp and we'll figure out what to do from there, plus Mike wants to see you, it's urgent" Deacon's hand slapped the ground "Dammit, Rikki! Iron Mike is the least of my problems right now!" His temper flared even higher.

"Skizzo sold you, Boozer and (Y/n) out to Carlos.." Her voice was quiet as she spoke the one sentence that Deacon needed to be pushed over the edge "That's why Carlos has been sending groups of Ripper's to harass the supply runs, it's also why Carlos sent a group of Ripper's to capture both of you, come back to camp, Deek".

Deacon stomped up the steps of the lodge, roughly pushing the door open "It was for the good of the camp!" Deacon's anger flared upon hearing Skizzo's voice "Christ, Skizzo! If we start turning on each other, then we're no better than the Freaks, Rippers or anyone for that matter!" Iron Mike gaze flitted to Deacon, who standing behind Skizzo "Your treaties not gonna hold with the way you're running things!" Skizzo still hadn't noticed the other presence that entered the room. "You're going to get our people killed, it's three bikers for a whole camp!" Skizzo argued, Mike shook his head "That is not how we do things and you of all people should know that!" He yelled, pointing a finger in Skizzo's face "It doesn't matter who you were or what you've done in the past, if we don't stick together, we'll be gone in a damn week!".

Skizzo rolled his eyes "Whatever, Mike, don't come groveling at my feet when Carlos attacks the camp to get them" he waved him off, turning around and immediately running into Deacon, Skizzo's eyes went wide as he took a step back, he didn't really get that far as Deacon threw a punch that knocked Skizzo on his ass, a cut marked his cheekbone "Deacon?!" Skizzo said, bewildered "Yeah, it's me, what, did you expect the Ripper's to have me?".

Deacon knelt to eye level with him, he shook his head "You know what they do have?" His voice had a dangerous edge to it "(Y/n)" Deacon pulled his boot knife out and stabbed the knife into the wooden floor right next to Skizzo's leg, Skizzo visibly jumped "You got my sister captured, because what? You trying to be a hero? Huh?" Deacon was basically growling at this point.

[uselesslesbiab]

Here’s how the second session of my campaign DMing for @thegayone23456 and @idkbrothatsprettygay went. Let me preface this by saying we had a great time and I love these assholes, but they’re assholes.

The very first thing these motherfuckers did was loot the corpse of their friend who died last session. I hate these bastards

They then wanted to bury him and hold a funeral, but since they didn’t have a shovel the Druid decided to wild shape into a mole (absolutely wild solution) and dig a hole??

They spent the next few minutes holding a funeral that really reminded me of that one Kevin Hart bit of the funeral where he threw his mom’s casket

After THAT I had to try to guide them towards the plot in some way so I had them roll a check and then said something like “heyyyy those trees seem a little off”

They both proceeded to start eating the moss off the trees and wouldn’t stop

Do you understand my dilemma here. They’re eating moss.

At that point I just said fuck it (bad planning on my part like I said this is my second time DMing ever) and sorta forced them into the next area because I couldn’t think of anything better and I was still laughing because they were eating moss

Lured them in with a pretty lady then made them solve some riddles to get out of a room very basic I know but I was banking on them being stupid

Somehow they solved all the riddles pretty quickly so I know I gotta make the puzzles harder next time trial and error ya know

I then sent them on a mission to steal a jewel from an expensive mansion in the middle of a party in exchange for information about the guy who killed their Himbo half orc

I threw in a random angry dwarf npc just to give them some new armor and stuff (accidentally let one of them take armor that gave them disadvantage on their proficiencies my bad once again I’m a shitty DM)

They end up harassing the poor guy who’s so fucking done with them he almost leaves them behind at the party

Anyway at said party they snuck past a lot of my setups, failed a check to distract a guard and ended up shattering a glass in his face, then one of them collapsed and pretended to have a seizure while the other one snuck upstairs

I want you all to know I had planned 4 different areas in this session where they could’ve had an optional combat scenario. Although I wasn’t planning for them to do every single one, these assholes somehow managed to avoid ALL of them.

One of them stole the gem in the midst of the chaos and they both got out clean

They liked the angry dwarf so much I ended up having him join the players on their journey and one of them wants an enemies to lovers arc with him. I’ll let them have this win for today

[feralraccoonman]

I AM THE BREAD.

your girl is meant to be working! but instead she made her own quiz!

so please, find out what your underlying motif is, and chuck it in the tags for me to read <3

[basedandyeagerpilled]

Hello everfybody here is my new announcement. Crown of sorrow. Yeah sorrow is right. So apparently big dawg calus has a fucknf pest problem and he is like “BLARGHHGH GUYS I THINK I FUCKED UP. THERE ARE CREATURS LIVE LAUGH AND LOVING ON MY SHIP. THIS IS BAD. ALSO I GAVE THE CROWN TO HIM. YES. HIM. THE G MAN. SO UH I NEED YOU TO UM KILL THEM. KILL THEM NOW. KILL THEM *takes sip from big lean chalice*” and then we were like ok sounds fun yes I love to kill. But when we got there erm….it was NOT fun. We got Witchified and there was crystals but also!!!! There was….enemies…… and we had to kill them and sometimes 2 ogre appeared (which is honestly too much I think I might’ve peed my pants a little if there was 3 guys im sorry.) and it took wayyyyy too long but after the torment was over we had to go jump on some platforms but oh wait calus forgor 💀💀so there was crysrals and they floated in the air but don’t worry bro they aren’t goinfg to kill us swaer to god. Source: trust me bro. After that you’ll never believe what calus ahd us do next at 3 am. 😱😱 we go into the room and there is baby. Yes. He wants us to kill baby g ran. But it isn’t actually him he is just joking guys ❤️. SO. after we killd the decepetacton it was time to get real. 💯💯 so gahlran he is in possession of the crown of sorrow and the crown makes him evil and he does not want to be probably but this time he is big and we learn the small one is well how do I say this…. Yuo know the imposters from among us? Yeah. That. But now there is many and we gotta make Big Chungus slam down axe and kill the motherfuck imposter. Also we are schizophrenic XDDDD so there. Is 3 chungi (plural for chungus most likely) oh yeah crystals are back but they never really left lol. So after pounding Garfield to a pulp he drops the crown lol and he is dead :DDDD this journey really shows how fucked up everything is. I mean we just slaughtered all of them (which is based) the sad part is that the loot sucks gahlrans massive schlong and it makes me want to kill myself. Great experience though too bad most of you are bad and die to fucking witches curse because you suck.

[falcor-thee-luck-dragon]

Diego Hargreeves x reader

Summary: You and Klaus cause some mischief in the local liquor store while Diego does a terrible job at stopping you.

It’s a cold October night, Diego would honestly love nothing more then to cuddle up next to you on your guys bed back in your warm apartment. But the universe appears to have other plans, so here he is, standing behind you and Klaus as the two of you discuss amongst yourselves which brand has the best alcohol. You’re completely oblivious to Diego’s inner thoughts as your eyes scan over the different labels and their prices. You don’t notice when Klaus’ attention shifts from the various beverages to a festive poster on the nearby store window. He chuckles when he spots the poster of Dracula holding a red glass of wine as little black bats dance around him. Klaus’ head turns towards you and then at another store patron who’s just trying to mind their business.

“Vhatch out for Y/N...she’s come to svuck your vlood.” Snickers Klaus in his best Transylvanian accent as he holds up his pointer fingers near his mouth to show off mock vampire fangs. The random lady nearby just gives him an odd look, turning away and making a beeline for the next isle. Klaus snaps his attention back to you as he continues his little theatrics, you just do your best to suppress your laughter.

“Stop it Klaus.” Warns Diego with a brotherly roll of his eyes. You turn to Diego with a mischievous smirk as your eyes playfully darken. 

“He’s right Diego, I’ll turn you into one of my minions.” You retort as you fake growl at him, he just shakes his head as a small smile forms onto his lips. Deciding to have a bit of fun with your two favorite boys, you indulge in Klaus antics.

“I am a vampire seductress who wants something delicious to drink this fine evening. Klaus my dear, pick the flavor.” He nods with a cheeky grin as he turns to scan down the long isle, looking for just the right bottle.

“M’lady whateth should I choose? I’m thinking the most pricey, would you agree?” Asks Klaus, now choosing to really play the part as a medieval peasant of sorts, throwing in an accent and everything. You turn to him, he’s holding up a beautiful ruby red 200 dollar bottle of the good stuff, your eyes go wide in excitement.

“Brilliant. We’ve got our treasure, now let us make off with the loot.” 

“Y/N cover me while I hide it.” Whispers Klaus, you walk over to him and as casually as ever to block anyone’s view from watching as he shoves the expensive bottle into his jacket, like this is the most normal thing in the world. Diego attempts to look over your shoulder to put together what the hell you two are doing. You swiftly twist around to face him like nothing out of the ordinary just happened, you and Klaus definitely did not just steal anything.

“Did Klaus just steal that bottle?” Wonders Diego as he crosses his arms over his muscular chest. You furrow your brows in false confusion while Klaus stops to stare an accusing eye at Diego. 

“What? Did you see someone stealing something?” You ask him casually, he gives you an amusing are-you-actually-kidding-me face in reply. You just smile up at him as sweetly as ever, “That’s illegal you know.”

“Very, so if you saw something you better report it. Never know what kind of delinquents are running these streets.” Adds Klaus with a knowing look, the both of you flash Diego a tight lipped smile before walking past him towards the end of the isle. The both of you heading straight for the glass doors at the front of the store when suddenly Diego catches both your arms, one in each of his own hands, you and Klaus snap your heads to him with annoyed faces. 

“You two aren’t stealing anything.” His voice is serious and calm as his dark eyes flash in between the two of you.

“What’s this Klaus? A goblin trying to take our stash, I think not.” You announce to Diego and Klaus with a sassy hair flip. Diego releases the two of you as he gives you an frustrated glare.

“My vampire mistress will put a spell on you, and HA HA you won’t be able to rain on our picnic anymore.” Whisper yells Klaus as he sticks his tongue out at Diego. Diego lets out a tired sigh, putting his gloved hands up in surrender, deciding it wise to let you two have your fun. He honestly really wants to see if you’ll get caught or not, giving him another reason to possibly catch up on the dealings around the police department. You and Klaus link your arms together as you both continue to walk down the long isle of various alcoholic beverages. When you make it to the carpet at the front door, the 78-year-old half blind cashier calls for you guys to stop and turn around. Your nerves prick, more-so in annoyance then anything else, but like the veteran thief that you are you know exactly what to do to charm the old fart. Giving him the sweetest of smiles you walk in front of Klaus and slowly up to the cash register.

“How’s ya evin’ Marv?” You ask with a bit of Brooklyn charm, you’re a slight regular at this joint and he’s always in the mood to talk to you. Better yet, Marv’s incredibly easy to convince and you’re about to work your magic like a boss. 

“Oh you know, same old same old. Always nice when you come ‘round these parts.” You keep a forced smile as you quickly shift your eyes to the right, catching a surprised Diego who catches your gaze before he heads out the door with a disapproving shake of his head. You turn to fully face Marv once again, batting your lashes like a teen in love. 

“Is that a new shirt? I’m loving the whole Hawaiian floral get up, it adds a bright splash of color to the usual dreary autumn weather.” 

“Oh yeah, you really think so? Aw sweetheart you’re just saying that.” He gushes with a wave of his wrinkled hand. You let out a small fake laugh, keeping the mood light and fluffy, just giving enough time for Klaus to make off with the riches. 

“No I’m one-hundred percent serious it suites you well.....uh anyways..Marv its been a time, but I really gotta go. See ya when I see ya.” You say with a tiny wave of goodbye, but as you turn to leave you “accidentally” bump into the side of a large cardboard cut-out of the latest Budweiser can. It goes down with a less then dramatic crash to the grubby tiled floor. Your head snaps up to Marv with the best sad face you can muster as you clutch your hands together like an abashed Victorian maiden. 

“Shit I’m such a klutz. Your poor sign.” You exclaim, he just chuckles as he walks around to where the sign has fallen. 

“Oh no worries. Anyone coulda sent it tumbling, I’ll just havta move it to the other side is all.” Replies Marv while he leans down to pick up the large cut-out, you give him a friendly smile as he walks over to the other side of the counter setting it down and walking back behind the register. By the time he reaches the counter which feels like a thousand years later, you’ve reached the front doors. You say a last goodbye before hearing the bell chime when you open up the doors and swiftly make your way out of the liquor store. The air is crisp and a burst of wind smacks you right in the face, sending your hair in various directions. You flick it out of your face, unbothered by the current weather conditions you walk further down the sidewalk, heading straight for Diego’s car. Like the sly fox you are, you reach into your coat and casually pull out the concealed bottle of top of the line tequila you may have just stolen. You catch the wide eyes of Diego from inside the car as your face breaks out into a huge smile while you joyously raise your bottle into the air like you’ve just won the World Cup. You quickly open up the passenger side door, getting in and shutting it to keep the cold out. 

“One hundred points for Vampire Seduction.”

“Y/N you sly motherfucker.” Smiles Klaus from the backseat as he shakes your shoulder, impressed with your thieving skills.

“I played that old bear like a violin. He’ll never suspect a thing.” 

“Cheers to that m’lady, we’re like....pirates.... truly amazing.”

“You know Klaus you kinda look like Jack Sparrow, just grow out the hair a bit and find a red bandanna and wallah, pirate.”

“Y/N you’ve just found my Halloween costume. Oh hey, you could be a vampire mistress and Diego could be the seduced servant guy.”

“You two just stole from a store, that’s a crime.” Interrupts Diego like a mother goose telling off her naughty children. You just let out an amused huff of air as Klaus blows a raspberry at Diego.

“Oh come on bro, have a little fun. No cameras and that dude is practically blind. And anyways, look at the cool shit we got.” Replies Klaus excitedly while he holds up his bottle, Diego glares at the two of you as you suppress the urge to laugh once again. He’s so dramatic sometimes with his whole vigilante hero/ failed cop persona going on, you forget that not everything you do is agreed upon in his eyes when it comes to breaking the law. You can’t help it that stealing things with Klaus is incredibly entertaining to you, sometimes being the hero all the damn time can get so boring. 

“Still a crime.” Grumbles Diego, you suddenly lean in close to his face, staring deep into his chocolate irises, his breath catches in his throat. You smirk at him, “Or whatta gonna do pretty boy? Turn us in?” Klaus lets out “ohhhh” from behind the two of you as Diego seemingly forgets how to speak. He looks rather adorable all flustered from your abrupt change in positioning. He opens his mouth to probably reply with something sarcastic or heroic, so to shut him up you crash your lips into his. The kiss is a quick one, but it’s all you needed to do in order to shut that pretty mouth of his. You sit back in your seat, a satisfied smile appearing onto your lips while you hold the bottle of tequila in your lap. 

“Diego she just used Vampire Seduction on you. Y/N that was brilliant, now make him take us to the trampoline park.” Says Klaus while unknowingly breaking the sexual tension between you and Diego. You giggle as Diego blinks, snapping out of the brief post kiss confusion you just handed him. 

“Uh...no trampoline park, you’re going home and then me and Y/N are going to have a fun rest of our night with that bottle of tequila.” Your eyes glance over to a grinning Diego, it appears that your simple plan to quiet him has suddenly turned his mind onto you. And everything he plans on doing with you once Klaus is gone and you’re back at the apartment. You bite your lip in anticipation while Diego drives down the road, your own mind swirling with images of a soon to be shirtless Diego and other fun nightly activities to follow.

[mostlysignssomeportents]

The madness of elite varsity sports

When I think of the last 40 years of neoliberalism, I think of a game of musical chairs, in which the music's tempo steadily increases, the number of chairs rapidly decreases, and the penalties for not having a chair become more ever-more cruel. Movements for racial, gender and gender identity justice are a source of panic for the most precarious chair-chasers, because these movements increase the number of people who get to compete for chairs - but don't increase the number of chairs in play. The wealthiest, most powerful people could mobilize their fortunes to secure chairs and for a long time, the game served them: the increasing desperation for chairs on the part of everyone else translated into ready access to toadies, jesters, bodyservants and courtesans. But we're at the endgame. The number of chairs is trending to single digits. The world will soon boast one or more trillionaires. You can't amass a trillion dollars solely by raiding the pathetic reserves of poor people - you've gotta pauperize some billionaires. The 2019 Varsity Blues scandal revealed the desperation of the chair-habituated mid-upper echelon, who had participated and benefited from the maintenance of a wildly unequal society but now saw that their kids would have no place in it. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2019_college_admissions_bribery_scandal It turns out that the Varsity Blues parents were amateurs. The real pros don't cheat their kids into sports-based elite college admissions - they DESTROY their kids to get sports-based elite college admissions. Ruth S Barrett's feature in the current issue of The Atlantic exposes the jaw-dropping world of ultra-rich families' tormented children and their desperate, moneyball gambits to buy their way into sports scholarships. https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2020/11/squash-lacrosse-niche-sports-ivy-league-admissions/616474/ It's a longread and worth your time, but here's a quick tldr: you've got kids whose parents move Olympians into their guest-cottages to train them in squash or fencing in private gymnasia on their sprawling estates. They spend vast fortunes flying them around the country and the world competing. Children are exhorted by professional athletes to stab each other with fencing foils until they are at the point of collapse. Then they're given a break to eat dinner out of a cooler toted by nannies who bark math problems at them. Their parents argue about whether to disclose their kids' multiple concussions to new coaches, and the kids grow up with long-term chronic sports-related disabilities. And the thing is, the Ivies and Big Ten schools were already seeing through all of this before the pandemic. Even schools that really wanted to have a top lacrosse or water-polo team were savvy enough to understand that these kids had already peaked. If you're 18 and performing in the 94th percentile after being trained for a DECADE by Olympians, nothing the school does will make you any better. How could they? If you want to find prodigies, pick undertrained kids who still perform competitively and polish THEM. What's more, these kids are basket cases. They arrive at university with no grip on reality, no capacity for self-management or self-actualization. They spiral into substance abuse and mental health crises. These sports admission programs often have their roots in an attempt to provide space at elite schools for poorer kids, especially kids of color (that was definitely the case with the USC football team when I taught there). But the chair-having motherfuckers figured out how to buy these seats, too. And why? Why destroy your kids' health and their sanity? Why watch as your adolescent daughter gets STABBED IN THE THROAT in a fencing competition and then re-enroll her in fencing? Because the number of chairs trends to single digits. That's why you pay nannies to do oppo research on the kids your offspring competes against; it's why you pay dirty tricksters to bombard admission departments with dirt on kids competing with yours for a spot on the team. All that was BEFORE covid: parents waking up and realizing that they were destroying their kids' life for a gambit that would probably fail, but doing it anyway because they knew that a world of trillionaires would leave the chairless grubbing for roots and insects. And now the elite schools are simply getting rid of the teams these children have been optimized to play for, in a process that recognizes that they were just a way for the wealthiest, whitest plutes to buy their way in. Hilariously, billionaire parents have responded by starting  "urban" leagues for elite sports to create the appearance (if not the reality) that your fencing team might not be a back-door for the ex-CEO of American Express's progeny to attend an ivy. While others are promising second-tier colleges that starting a water polo team will bring in a bunch of full-tuition kids who've been honed from birth to simulate one another's death by drowning. It ain't gonna work. Here's a telling quote: "Sorry, but there’s no way in hell. What parent wants to have a child who’s going to be playing for a bottom-tier school with bottom-tier academics in the armpit of the United States? I want to be polite. But there’s no way in hell." -Water-polo mom from Stamford. In Capital in the 21st Century, Thomas Piketty describes how the Age of Colonization ended primogeniture, whereby great fortunes were kept intact by passing inheritances solely to the eldest son, while other kids became spouses or clerics. Colonial looting made it possible for the Great Families to bud off new fortunes for each of their offspring, for two or three generations. When they exhausted the world's supply of brown people to enslave and rob, that ended. Plutes whose parents and grandparents' cohorts had each started a new fortune had to tell their own kids that the ride was over. But any system that has been in place since your grandad was a kid is effectively eternal and it was unthinkable that the eternal would end. So the plutes decided that it wouldn't end. They would all get new fortunes, and since they'd exhausted the world's supply of poor people, they turned on each other. We call that fight World War I. For 40 years, the world's wealth has been gathered into fewer and fewer hands, as oligarchy's musical chairs game has run faster and more vicious. Now, the chairs are tending to single digits. Plutes are desperate. The idea that their kids would lead worse lives than theirs - an idea the rest of us have been expected to swallow for a quarter-century - is unthinkable. So they're not accepting it. They are destroying their own kids in a bid to acquire one of the final chairs. Most of those kids will not get a chair, and the ones that do will be broken and shriveled things, stunted by a lifetime of abuse. But it's not them I'm worried about. I'm worried about the kids that DON'T get a chair. Their parents were willing to torture their own kids FROM BIRTH to get them a chair. When that fails, what will Plan B look like? Image: Wannapik https://www.wannapik.com/vectors/3887 CC BY https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/

[shy-violet-soul]

The Last Action Hero

Summary: In a scene straight from the apocalypse, Audra encounters the last action hero. "Chaotic Dumbass Reader” Avenger is here to save the day, one aisle at a time. Characters: OFC, “Chaotic Dumbass Reader (CDR)”, a very tired Bucky Barnes Warnings: language, threats of violence, out-of-context movie quotes Word count: 1,400-ish A/N: I am 100% enthralled with the “Bag of Tricks” world (please go read all the things) by @heli0s-writes​. I’ve been having a tough few days - as so many of us are - and to give my brain a break, I decided to ponder what CD Reader would be doing during COVID-19. I only hope I’ve done this writer’s marvelous character some form of justice. I was super excited to receive her blessing to post this. This is for you, @heli0s-writes​. Bless you for all the smiles you’ve brought to us!

Also - thank you @pinknerdpanda​ for catching my errors, reassuring my characterization fears, & laughing at my ridiculousness. xoxo

This is a work of fiction based upon characters owned by the MCU and created by @heli0s-writes​. My work is not to be copied elsewhere without my written permission.

Audra stood at the entrance of the aisle, stared at the shelves, and swallowed hard around the jagged tears clogging her throat. The industrial metal towered over her head, and the empty shelves glared cavernously down at her as she trudged down the row. The cart squeaked annoyingly, one wheel sticking and spinning like a drunk ballerina as she tried to shove around the rickety remains of a Charmin cardboard box. Peering in hopefully, her shoulders sagged - nope. Not a roll to be seen.

A bit further down the aisle, she saw a couple of people shoulder deep in an open box on the shelf, and urged her stupid cart in that direction. Growling, like that of a supremely pissed off house cat, zipped chills up her spine. Audra paused, looking around the floor closest to her for the critter. Seeing nothing but hearing the growl continue, she looked up.

Not a cat. So much not a cat.

A woman sat perched on the top shelf like some kind of slightly cute but mostly terrifying ninja gargoyle. Completely clothed in black, she glared at the two women heave-ho-ing packages of toilet paper into their carts and - were those wrapping paper tubes taped to her? - hissed. Actually hissed at them.

Expletives from the two women distracted Audra back to the task at hand. She sidled her way around them up to the box and chewed hard on her lip. Empty. A glance at the wrestlers behind her saw three and four packs each of awful 2-ply store brand toilet paper, 9 rolls each. The shorter of the two stomped away with her loot, leaving the other to Tetris her prize around the 4 gallons of milk and a wobbly tower of bacon packages. Ready to forget it and walk away, Audra thought of what waited for her at home and dug deep for her bravery, gingerly reaching out to the woman with a nitrile-gloved hand.

“Excuse me, I’m sorry to bother you. But is there any way I could have one of those packs of toilet paper?”

A glare from the other shopper. “No.”

A growl from above.

Wavering but not giving up, Audra squeezed her hands together. “I’ll pay you $10. I’ve got the cash.” Digging in her pocket, Audra extended a folded bill. “Or, if you’d rather, I can Venmo you right now. Electronic, no germs.”

“Bitch, please! Try $25.00, and we can talk about it,” the woman snapped, crossing her arms over her chest.

Audra blinked, momentarily stunned at the unprovoked viciousness and the audacity of the request. Just as tears threatened to straight up strangle her, the ninja gargoyle cat woman dropped to the floor between them. A cheerful tube of wrapping paper dotted with birthday cakes jabbed Audra in the belly before she scrambled back, dodging another roll of Santa-hat-wearing Yoda’s and Darth Vader’s that protruded from the woman’s right hip. Before Audra could even attempt to figure out what the hell was going on, the ninja gargoyle cat woman pulled out a sword - an actual sword - and pointed it at the other shopper’s chest.

“Say hello to my little friend!”

“Shit!” the woman squeaked out, eyes bugging out of her head. The ninja gargoyle cat woman growled, hissed again, and spoke.

“This is a katana. One of the oldest warfare weapons in Japan. Made out of tamahagane steel and polished for three weeks. I can slice your head clean off. You gotta ask yourself one question. Do you feel lucky? Well, do ya? Punk? Go ahead. Make my DAY!” Her voice rose inexorably from a hissing whisper to a screech as she inched her face to within kissing distance of the increasingly terrified woman. The offender frantically reached into her cart and tossed Audra a package of toilet paper; an impressive feat as she did so without even breathing. Ninja gargoyle cat woman grinned maniacally before she leaned forward and licked the offender’s face, then danced happily away a few steps, batting her in the side with a roll of pink flowered wrapping paper reading “fresh out of fucks” that jutted out from her left hip.

“What the hell are you doing now?” A deep voice cracked and croaked out the question. Audra turned to face the newcomer, clutching her precious package of toilet paper, faintly tracking on the frantic wails and wiping of the vanquished shopper behind her. The famous Winter Soldier stood before her, 2 bags of flour and a box of Cocoa Puffs in one arm as he stared at ninja gargoyle cat woman. His hair stood out from his head like he’d tried pulling handfuls of it out, and his face just looked...done. This man looked 100% done.

“Bucky!” she squealed with glee, prancing towards him. “Toss me the Cocoa Puffs!”

“No. What did you do to that lady?”

She blew raspberries at him, sliding her sword into a sheath strapped to her back. “I helped her out. Look at her!” The wrapping paper tubes bounced animatedly as she waved an arm at Audra. “Young kids at home. Spouse is a cop. Back is hurting. Needs toilet paper.”

Audra was getting a headache. Oxygen seemed important, but she couldn’t figure out how to get it inside her body. “How did...what...you…”

Ninja gargoyle cat woman glared at the Winter Solder as she raised her hands, ticking off items on her fingers. “‘Paw Patrol’ fruit snack wrappers hanging out of her purse. Last year’s ‘NYPD’ tshirt under her sweater. Can’t stand fully upright, probably because she’s lugging laundry hampers or babies around. Toilet paper, Barnes! I’m doing a public service!”

“Not her, you idiot! I saw all that on the cop’s wife, too. Her! The one that’s crying on the phone that now she’s got the virus!” Avoiding the bobbling wrapping paper tubes, the Winter Soldier leaned in close, vein in his forehead bulging as he jabbed a finger down the aisle towards aforementioned crying woman. The growling returned as ninja gargoyle cat woman narrowed her eyes, jabbing one hand towards the Winter Soldier. An audible snap accompanied the bright blue spark that crackled out, sending the man crowhopping backwards and dumping the flour and cereal to the floor as his metal arm went limp.

“You just - you just tased my arm! What the hell?!?”

She primly ignored him, scooping up the box of Cocoa Puffs and crooning to it sweetly before she turned a fierce glare upon him.

“Six feet back, motherfucker.” 

Audra couldn’t stop her flinch when the woman flounced in her direction, all toothy, bright-eyed smiles.

“You good, mama? You need me to get you some diapers? Please can I go get you some diapers? I saw a skirmish of a couple of dads over there!” she batted her eyes pleadingly, clasping her hands together like she was begging for ice cream instead of another chance to...Audra wasn’t sure what to call it. Help? Terrify? Mutely, she shook her head. Her saviour huffed, shrugged her shoulders, and then yelped when one of her wrapping paper tubes was ripped off her body. The Winter Soldier bashed her over the head with it, then threw it all the way down the aisle. The precious box of Cocoa Puffs went sailing in the other direction before he hauled ninja gargoyle cat woman over his shoulder. Ignoring her screeches, he looked at Audra with serious grey eyes.

“You good? Seriously? Want me to go with you to the register?”

Warmth filled Audra at their genuine concern for her. She found a smile for him as she shook her head.

“I’m good,” she assured, gesturing to her cart bearing milk, Goldfish crackers, diapers, and baby wipes. The Soldier smiled and nodded, then turned as the woman started grappling for her sword.

“All right, Barnes! You called down the thunder and now you’ve got it. Run, you cur! You tell ‘em I’m coming, and Hell’s coming with me, you hear?”

The Winter Soldier rounded the end of the aisle, out of sight, but you could still hear the exasperated sigh he gave.

“We get it. You’re a goddamn action hero. Is this my set of throwing stars? Why are you like this?”