#got told im gonna get sent to a mental hospital again

[szczylpierdolony]

how do i tell my friend im sorry for nor writing anything in our essay today bc ive had one of my worst days in a while without coming across as a selfish pathetic dick

[thecrazyphantom]

Just some interactions that happened to me a couple of years ago.

The person I'm referring to is probably stalking my account as I post this 😕

(This is just a vent of mine, you can skip if you don't want to read it ❤️)

Btw both of us are Female(well idk what they are but they're afab)

I was so uncomfortable trying to respond to them saying this, let alone in response to my photo.

When they broke our friendship (In a very cringe way btw. I can elaborate if anyone asks) they told me how I "treated them horribly" even though I was the one who constantly just had to deal with their Bullshit when they texted me.

They'd also constantly oversexualize all the female characters I Roleplay/I like

Ex: Saying that Peko has (AND I LITERALLY QUOTE.) "phat juicy tits".

When we had a Simp channel in our Discord server That was Yk... Dedicated to fictional characters.. or people in their class they thought were pretty. They posted a photo into it of Me in a Byakuya Cosplay looking down at the camera and then started going on and on about how they'd give me everything they owned and such and it made me so uncomfortable that I couldn't even response logically so i just sent "<3" and didn't respond to the text.

They would also talk constantly about their AUs and stuff about The Cuphead show. I rlly did like a lot of what they talked about since I liked Cuphead the Game and have a very open mind to others Aus. But the thing was was that I had openly talked about how I didnt want to watch the Cuphead show because I just didn't like the voice acting ((Well they've got good voice acting, good Animation, and funny plots , but I just don't think the Cuphead cast should have voices. But I did watch the show after all this, and it was pretty good)). But i just remember that one day I was getting tired of them talking about Cuphead and I texted them "I don't mean to be rude but can you stop sending Cuphead content? You're slowly making me dislike it 😕" (that's the exact quote), and then they got annoyed and was like "that was the only direct cuphead thing I've sent" And I ofc denied that bc I don't rlly loose interest in things through only one message unless it's controversial. And I wasn't gonna deal with pulling up all that evidence so I just said "Omfg *name*" "Nah I'm done with discord" and they instantly started to "im so sorry" bomb but I told them I wouldn't talk to them until I calmed down bc I was just pretty grouchy at the moment. When I came back I sent some words abt me calming myself down again, then said "I apologize for my outburst". And bam we were somehow friends again????

What was even worse was that they did this all in front of our mutual friend (well at the time it was mutual, now they're just my friend ^_^) that they were at the time dating.

(I don't even remember if they sent more cuphead and I'm not even gonna dig for it)

All I know is that that could've been easily resolved by either just saying something along the lines of "I'm sorry I'll try to send them less" or even being like "Cuphead is my Hyperfixation, just like how your hyperfixation is Danganronpa"

They'd also text the gc that me and my friend were in that they were going to commit Slick-a-Slide and then disappear for weeks on end. So ofc me and my friend would be worried and get in a depressive state because we were under the false narrative that they Unalived, just for them to come back after a while and just brush it off. Each time we asked if they were okay they would always be like "Yeah Sorry my mom just took away my phone." And for a while I started to speculate that they were just in a Mental hospital but they never mentioned it (and they Kinda told us EVERYTHING that happens in their life/day/week.) So not only were they treating me wrong, they were dragging my friend into it and Worrying them. (This happened multiple times while they were dating, so I can't even imagine the levels of depression that could've spiraled my friend into. Like having to hear your lover say they were going to commit, then go offline for a long time, is actually petrifying.)

This is a small one but I also remember that a couple weeks or months before they broke ties with me, We were in a server with all of their friends (+my friend and I), they texted the public channel asking if anyone wanted to call, and when I said that I was down to call that literally responded something along the lines of "someone who isn't Phantom" and then they kicked me shortly after I responded with a sad emoji. That made me lose all left over respect I had for them. My friend confronted them on how that wasn't too nice to say, and then they got kicked too.

Also this is off track but imma bring it up since I'm currently obsessed with Korekiyo, but the way they Roleplayed Korekiyo made him seem like he's some Holier than thou character that could pretty much read minds and just tell what they were doing prior ((for example a character could make and excuse to walk off to give something to someone they're currently seeing and come back to Korekiyo and they'd respond "Oh were you giving something to *name*?")). Idk this just made me not like Korekiyo for a while after they broke ties with me.

Anyways that's all my ranting for now. Pip, Ace, whatever you're going by rn. If you see this, please get off my page, for you've made me dread each second and more that you've talked to me ;) ❤️

[loldental]

Haha lol I can’t switch my application from transfer student to mature student but I can’t apply as a transfer student because I can’t access my TRANSCRIPT from my old university due to owing them like 1500$ from a semester I dropped out of bc I went crazy and got hospitalized and then did crack and like I had emailed them pre hospital asking to appeal the owing of money and they said no to even filing an appeal which is BULLSHIT bc straight Erin got her whole ass semester appealed anyways I sent old uni this long ass rude ass email saying they didn’t hold up to anythjg they stated about caring about the health / mental health and well being of their students and told them to fuck off and that I was gonna kill myself then get revived and transfer universities but the joke is on ME because now it’s 4 years later and I can’t even transfer and those sluts KNEW that when I sent the email

Other than that back a few days ago when i was still excited about applying as a mature student I realized that I’m more likely than not gonna relapse to adderall addiction if I’m in school again and I’m not going to be any better at it just because I’m older and if by some miracle I graduate I will NOT be able to hold down a job because I don’t even think I can go back to part time working at the mall right now. I just can’t be around people I can’t do it.

ALSO the main reason I applied to school in the first place was to get insurance because Canada so like. Now I just have to leap into faith that I’ll magically get a doctor in a new province faster than I got one in my own !

Anyways like I’m not going to kill myself or whatever but im drinking margarita asap and crying about things becquse i still cant produce tears sober

[realmikedirnt]

so to recap

a fight with my roommate a week and a half ago set off my worst mental health crisis in months, right when i was in the middle of feeling good about getting my shit together (i was taking my meds consistently, eating regular meals, cleaning, writing more than i maybe ever have, and actively working to get a job and a new therapist).

i’m now deeply stuck in disordered eating, i can barely get out of bed and when i do i’m burying myself in video games or playoff hockey so i dont think, i went to a hockey game alone as a legit form of self harm because i knew i’d have a real reason to be miserable and to waste money, my space is a mess and any motivation i have to clean it quickly fades, i’m delusional and passively suicidal, and i’m supposed to learn how to drive next week. i missed a couple important appointments and my snap is probably gonna get rejected again because i keep not submitting the paperwork for it.

like, this was supposed to be the start of my mom not having to support me anymore. and i’m such a self centered psychotic idiot that one fight threw me off so hard that i’m just like. well. if i end up homeless i’ll just off myself its fiiiiiiine

the only good thing about right now is that this would have probably just outright sent me to the hospital three or four years ago. like i’ve come far enough that i’ve got the skills to keep my head that much above water. but im so fucking tired and miserable. and i have no idea how to tell my family that i’m such an incredible fuckup personality wise that being told i was annoying once by someone who was tired is enough to send me off the deep end.

[notadamnotadam]

You know..you were acting pretty immature treating Natalie like that. She had said sorry a million times and definitely is remorsing for what she did. But she probably is still hurt by how you treated her. She just wanted to have better relations with you guys after the mistake she made. And she fully admits she made a mistake. She was just too out of control and anxious which caused her to make the post in the first place. Shes not making excuses. Don't EVER say that. Losing your sanity because you're so anxious is definitely something that can happen all of a sudden without the person knowing. After she calmed down she realized what she did and immediately felt super bad about herself. And about the anon hate you guys got. You're not the only ones. She also got anon hate. One anon called her a worthless bitch and told her to kill herself. She says the hate doesn't bother her anymore, but i still worry about her because her mental health has been so fucked up. Others are probably worried about her too. You're not worried about her at all because you don't care about her. You never did. She's a very great friend and she doesn't deserve to be treated so badly or sent hate. A few days after what happened, she ended up in the hospital from a bad cough. Her cough was serious enough to be coughing up blood. She could have DIED. Think about that. The loss of blood could have killed her. She had to get a blood transfusion to save her life. How would you feel if she just...died? How do you think everyone else would feel? Ava? Bunny? Emy? Be thankful she's alive and her physical health is better. She definitely deserves an apology. Do it in private if that makes you more comfortable. Just dont sit there and let her mental health suffer..she deserves better.

what was this for lmao

I'm aware of all this, and I literally SAID I forgave her. But just because I forgive her, doesn't mean I'd like to interact with her. Sorry if I come out rude, but that's just how I am. I always take these situations a certain way and im not just gonna change it just because some anons said I'm being totally rude. I never said I didn't care about her. And I did and still do care for her. So for you to say I didn't, makes me feel weird. I didn't even do anything to make you send this ask. And I've made sooo many posts, saying to stop mentioning this situation. I'm trying to move on, get over it, THEN make things better. The more you people keep mentioning it and making me upset all over again, the less I'm willing to talk with Natalie and make things better. I also didn't say she was making excuses, I believed her. It just FELT like it, since I've had so many fake lies like hers. I still believe her, I never said I didn't.

I also had a reason for the specific way I treated her, and most of the time I can't help it. I won't explain anything, but the people who was in this situation know. Including Natalie. I don't care how rude I come off as. I except her apology, I forgave her, even though I was still hurt about the situation.

Now seriously, stop mentioning this situation. I won't be answering any more asks about this. They will be deleted.

now please fuck off, for the last time.

[fucker-anon]

Bloody Painter Headcanons

am i gonna write about helen even tho no one cares? fUCK YEA @creepy-bi-day hope you enjoy. Im still not a writer sorry :/. also my personal hcs, its okay to disagree. Also dark themes again. 

Bloody Painter

Backstory:

was born on Oct 1st, 1980, fully name Helen Otis

mother is white, father is Japanese

is an only child. Helen’s parents had a very difficult time in getting pregnant like yeeeaaars (10 ish) and they also really wanted a girl. Like in their head, they would be getting a girl. and when they did get pregnant the ultra scan did show a girl. so they were in shock when a boy popped out. 

they no likely. Since helen’s mom was a teacher, they decided to raise the boy as a girl and simply homeschool them until they had to go to college, once there they could simply transition into a girl. This is how they thought trans people were so they thought they’ll do the same to get a girl (This was obliviously wrong)

so they tried to do that but mother couldn’t get the needed forms and paperwork to homeschool Helen so they had to go to school. so their parents decided the best thing to do was to make them as manly as possible in 6 months. so everything pink and girl (lots of which were comfort items like plushies, and art things) were thrown out in front of poor 6 year old Helen who didn’t understand what was happening. Helen couldn’t do art, couldn’t wear certain clothes, couldn’t say certain things. punishments weren’t physical but there was a lot of yelling.

around the 3 month before school started, their parents decided that maybe Helen should meet their grandparents (parents kept giving excuses why they couldn’t visit). everything was going swell until the grandparents on the father’s side asked why name their BOY a GIRL name. before the parents could say anything, helen said “cause im a girl?” ... yaaaa queerphobic grandparents and little helen didn’t get along. plus helen was white passing so asian grandparents blamed their mom.

parents cut contact with the grandparents, and yelled at helen a lot. (poor bby) this mental abuse continued over 3 months and caused helen to stop talking and start repressing a lot of his feeling which his parents encouraged cause “”bOYs donT hAve fEeLinGs””

in school, the parents told the teacher that there was a mix up when filling out his name and that they should call him Otis. Of course one teacher messed up and called him Helen, and then they got a lot of comments form their peers, but they learned not to say that they were a girl at this point. 

helen was lightly bullied for his name, and when they tried to tell a teacher they were told to “man up :))” 

and so more repressing feelings

it wasn’t until middle school where someone (a kid who they later learned was named tom), stole and planted a watch of another girl into helen’s bag. This meant helen’s bullying got a lot worse. Before it was a comment here or there, now it was physical and a lot often. this is also when he began to develop symptoms of anxiety and depression.

he slowly became friends with Tom, who was also bullied a lot. But one day Tom took Helen to the roof where Tom confessed into planting the watch. Helen was very upset, and the two started to argue when Tom slipped off the edge, Helen tried to hold on to Tom, but Tom let go of his hand. Tom dead.

there was an investigation done, and Helen wasn’t in trouble as some students and teachers said how they saw him hold onto Tom. The school was given a speech about how bullying was bad, and tried to get things back to normal. Helen’s bully did die down, tho lots of ppl tried to spread rumors about how he pushed Tom. 

his parents were more upset over how this would look and not about Helen’s mental health. Helen never told them about the bulling. 

When high school started, the bullies acted as if nothing happened. and on Halloween, Helen snapped and killed 5 of the main bullies. He was caught and sent to a mental hospital. 

so you think that finally, Helen can get the help they need right :)). ahhah no....

so the hospital did diagnose Helen with depression and a mild case of anxiety, but basically put them on pills. the actually therapist had a very hard time getting Helen to open up. this is because the on their first session helen started with his gender identity, and the therapist told him “look you are biologically a boy, so you must be a boy :))” and when they said that sometimes he felt more comfortable when they were more fem, they was told that was wrong. 

so helen shut up like a clam cause they did not feel safe with this guy

at least they learned how to somewhat manage their depression and anxiety :)

once helen turned 18 he was released, and Helen decided to be an artist and not kill. but he saw another one of his bullies and said fuck it.

slender saw and was like “i like this child. imma adopt them”

and Helen joined the mansion

Personality:

look Helen was mocked and betrayed by basically every person in their life, they don’t trust ppl

they are nice, but they don’t new people

if you’re nice they’ll be nice, if you’re mean they’ll be mean, simple

cold hearted, look if you are neutral to them and get run over by car they wont do anything. the world was shit to them, they’re shit back.

quiet. like Helen could be inches away and you still won’t hear them

buttttt if you get close (good luck) you see a passionate, kinda nerdy, very kinda touch starved, sarcastic person who just lived a shitty life. 

Fun Facts:

k mans has a 6 inch dick, 7 when hard, but is thick, and stretches you out-

*cough* moving on-

bi sexual. Helen has a very hard time acknowledging romantic feelings but is down to date the girls, gays and theys. again good luck getting there but it may happen.

gender fluid Helen has come a long way and their gender identity has ranged from girl, boy, both, none and yes. They’ve settled on gender-neutral pronouns but doesn’t hate being called she/her or he/him usually. On a bad day, they can’t say the same. 

Called them painter. The only ppl who can called them by their birth names are ppl who are close to them. On fem days, they like Helen. On masc days, they like Otis. Sometimes they don’t care, sometimes they just wanna be called painter. If you’re not sure and you actually care just ask, he’ll say what day it is. usually they dress accordingly, but still if you’re not sure ask, they’ll prefer it.

Speaking of clothes, the fit??? is on point???? like imagine dark academia with more blues, blacks and tans. Helen looks like the protagonist of a boarding school au.

they will wear skirt and dresses and corsets, and do they’re (slightly basic) hair and makeup.

some creeps (jeff) tried to make fun of helen for this. And when you look at Helen you dont think that they’re much of a fight. Helen’s lean and kinda thin (kid doesn’t eat a lot), but Helen did karate for year cause their dad wanted their “perfectly normal son” to do something manly and kinda close to their culture. Helen learned how to fight with a very good guard and how to be very fast but not so much strong. Wasn’t until he got out of the mental hospital did he learn about pressure points, specially those that dont need a lot pressure :) you see where this is going. 

Basically Helen is that one movie character who touches a spot on someone's neck and they pass out. (this is the best i can describe it, they dont do this exactly but similar things) 

also very talented at art and arty things. like annoyingly good. he’ll try wood craving and make amazing things after only learning about it an hour ago. Current draws online and does online commissions to pay for his coffee

actually likes hunting, not with gun but with like bows an arrows. they dont hunt often cause they like animals

has to finish whatever they’re working on. please force this baby into bed

has a coffee addiction

likes classical music and lofi. 

dont talk about the whole painting with blood thing, they were 14, it was cringey, they know

hair is like chin length ish, its black with waves, so if they wanna be masc they can tie it up and when its fem, they can let it down and straighten it 

forgets to eat, feed them

k this is long. As you can see I can also write a whole essay about Helen. I will write about Helen’s and Johnny friendship, along with the other creeps later. but im tired. 

[emakenz]

tw violence, csa, cocsa, vent

bruh i was chillin and my idiot brother who i disowned long ago was complaining about how all the pop was diet, and i told him hes a grown boy he can get his own pop, as hes 25 ya kno. we have diet pop bc i am tryna cut off on sugar and caffeine, ya know yeah. Yeah. well hes like stfu shut your fucking mouth and he comes up to me, grips my shoulder really hard, and "punches" me for a solid minute (he wasnt actually hitting me but his fist got super close each time he hit) and starts going off on how i need to shut my mouth n shit like. cry about it lil bitch youre 25 LMFAO and literally RIGHT BEFORE THAT the mf was saying i needed a lashing with an electric wire???? like BITCH get over yourself. he stayed mad for the rest of the time i was home, as i had to leave for the doctor, but seriously. i fucking hate him. i was laughing, i didnt even flinch, i wasnt phased at all and it pissed him off. what angered me was when he stormed off yelling about how he'll make a REAL case for cps to investigate. that fucking got me. im going to fucking get him back. for everything. hes never been good to me. fuck him. gonna try to find a way to get his ass sent to a mental hospital bc he fucking needs it. i want him to feel what i felt. i didnt need to go there but i was almost forced, luckily we found a way out, but him? no loopholes for him, i will find a way to get him stuck there. and after that? who knows. not gonna get thrown in jail over his ass, fuck that, gonna make him out himself. prove hes unstable and dangerous (not really just really fucking stupid) and deserves to be locked away and drugged up like they wanted to do to me for having SYMPTOMS of TRAUMA that he fucking ENFORCED ON ME. he doesnt remember nobody remembers except me nobodys helped me nobody fucking cares. flashbacks are coming again and im so fucking pent up. this family is full of sa of all kinds, especially csa, and i dont want to be part of it anymore i want to leave but i dont wanna leave my parents or my uncles and aunts and some of my cousins bc some of them are people i actually care about but its the reminders that nobody truly fucking cares. i cant be mad about it either bc everyone else has been through similar, theyre desensitized, including my brother. no fucking compassion. theres sympathy and empathy but no compassion. i feel my own emotions kind of fading at points as the depression kicks in and im exhausted and nobody cares nobody knows how to help, nobody truly wants to help. im void of feeling atm. like this is a major mood swing and i feel off but i cant find it in myself to do anything about it. i dont care either. i feel like im slowly becoming a sociopath, and it scares me yet doesnt affect me at all. idk man im tired

[evilgenderywizard]

okay i need to vent about this and this hellsite is the only place i feel like i can

about 2 months ago (november 19th i believe) i had a FULL mental breakdown and sent myself into a manic episode and didn’t sleep for 4 days straight it ended with me going into the hospital claiming all kinds of shit was happening i was hallucinating and extremely delusional... this all started because i was broken up with in august and tried to completely ignore my emotions for 4 months.. this boy meant so much to me and he made me the happiest i have ever been in my life and when i felt him pushing me away i knew what was to come and i was so distraught that i bawled my eyes out for 3 weeks every single day and night before he even dumped me.. we had slept together and the next day he started distancing himself.. he has bad depression and tends to go into depressive episodes so i figured “oh maybe he just needs some space ill do my best to let him have that” and i would check up on him when it felt necessary.. then the day finally came and this was the first actual conversation we’d had since we slept together.. he told me he was really depressed and had dug himself into a hole that he couldnt get out of or something along those lines.. i knew what was about to happen and obviously didnt wanna accept it cause though i never told him i loved him and i honestly believe that i still do even after everything thats happened.. he told me i wasnt getting the hint and thats when my heart fell to the pit of my stomach.. all of this was over text because we live about an hour away from each other so he couldn’t exactly just come over to do this in person.. my best friend was sitting next to me on the phone with her boyfriend during all of this and as i began to tear up i texted her “im single” and she immediately told her boyfriend she had to hang up.. i dried my tears right then and there as she began to console me.. we got up and came to my room and deep cleaned it and rearranged cause thats how i cope with things.. i clean and clean and clean.. after that night i no longer did that and became very self destructive.. me and the guy decided we would stay friends and i told him id always be there if he needed to talk about anything cause i know theres a lot he goes through.. a few weeks later im at my best friends house and we decided to go swimming in their pool and i have sensitive ears so a few weeks later i ended up with an ear infection.. the pain was so unbearable that i began taking 12 ibuprofen at a time.. then it became 25 at time because “if i can handle 12 ill be fine with 25” 25 turned into 50 50 turned into a hundred and i started taking the same amount of aspirin with it.. i did this to numb myself because i desperately did not want to feel anything even after my ear infection was gone.. one night i remembered that one of my very close friends would be out of boot camp come september october or november (he never was given a definite date just an estimate of how long it would last) i knew he’d text me as soon as he got his phone back and likely expect a very quick response so in my head i said this to myself “whats gonna happen when he doesnt get a response for a few days and he texts whoever and asks ‘hey is bella okay’ and they have to break the news to him that you’re dead” “hows he gonna feel knowing he wasnt there to stop you whats that gonna do to him” so thats the moment i told myself i had to stop because i couldnt bring myself to leave my friends behind like that.. after i stopped i started talking to my friends more to keep away from everything.. this was all in the span of a month.. by the middle of september i found out that the man who molested me at 4/5 years old had been out of prison for 3 months and i went into another downward spiral but i didnt start taking pills again.. i started drinking pretty often never enough to get drunk just enough to forget everything.. mind you i get flashbacks from the situation so you can imagine how ahrd that is to handle.. i went to a friends house and we all started drinking and later on that night we smoked a little (weed for anyone curious) and by this point-

[cybernightwanderer]

A little note on biology, family, time and irony.

Today i woke up to realize my mom went trought my wallet, and who knows what else. The last known time i found out she did this, was one year ago, when she beat the crap out of me, pulled me by my hair and threaten to kick me out for the house without a chance to ask for anyone help or even get my shit. She did all this, because she demanded 100 euros extra to what i was paying her monthly and i said no because i was trying to get enought money to leave. To wich she threatned me again that i can never leave if i dont pay my deth to her. Yada yada, same old same old. She used to do this a lot, she would control my money even tho i always payed what i owed her. Yet she always wanted more, and would always guilt trip me if i even spent that money on myself, and would force me to buy random shit for her. All trought out my life she did this, going trought my things and then demanding and interrogating me using force. She never did these things to my brothers, and they actually never helped at home, not with money , not even taking a trash bagg out. I remenber everytime she even asked my brother to set the table it would turn into a two hour yelling marathon, and then id be the one to do it. This was daily, i couldnt rest from work, i couldnt study for school. And if i said i was busy id get punched, pulled by my hair and so forth. I was always the dog, that did everything she ordered and gave her what she demanded. I would be left with 40 euros on my pocket after a whole month of working just because she forced me to, and i couldnt say a word about it, and even so she would control my money. Few years forward and she still did that, but more violently and sneaky. When i was younger she would just take it and then hit me etc. Or take it while hitting me. Wether it was food, money or even clothes, a jacket , or a scarf. I remenber having a specific outfit for job interviews, and i would let her know in advance that i would have a job interview X day. And i would warn her, dont use this shirt or if u use it put it back before the morning. And every single time, i had an important interview or just job meeting, i would go crazy in the morning crying and go trough all my shit looking for that shirt, because she would use it and not put it back. Then there would be yelling, at 5 in the morning, me asking her where the shirt was and she yelling back she didnt toutch it, or even toutch my stuff. Wich later that day coming home finding that shirt on my bed, and her just brushing the situation  off her shoulder. And then threatning to hit me when i asked her. So eventually i just gave up. I told her, take what u want, use what you want. Growing up, i never had my own clothes, my own things, and the little i had , my brother would steal it. if i had a bag of chips i bought with my own money i saved up my brother would steal it. If i had saved up money my brother would steal it. And when i cried for help i got beat up. “ stop complaining about ur bother “ / “ stop crying he said he didnt “ / “ leave ur brother alone “ etc etc... Around at the age or 18/19 when i had a more permanent job, i started buying my own pants, my own shirt and my own things. I didnt have to wear my brothers clothes anymore. I was free. But not getting stuck into those times right now, because if i star writting eveything i dont think a day would be enough. So...  Like i was saying , today she went trought my wallet and checked my bank balance, etc. And i went to her room and i asked her, “ hey did you go in my room? where you looking for something or do you need something of mine?” And i wasnt even done with that sentance, she got really agressive and said “ i dont need shit from your room, i didnt enter, why??? “ To wich i replied, well my things were moved around and my door blocker was out of place, and i always close it so the door doesnt move. To wich she replied “ well it was the wind “.. Note : the door stopper is heavy and the door was jammed, and even if it was the wind, it wouldnt push the door locker all the way bellow the bed.... Im still shaking...why am i shaking? Its not even anger, its just hopelessness.... Everyday, my life just doesnt change, nothing changes. I feel crazy, i legit feel like im going insane and can only sit and watch myself get worse and worse. Is this what she wants? to send me to a mental hospital or some shit? to lock me up in a room and im not even capable of getting up? Is that her goal?... Is that why she “saved me “ from killing myself? Im more afraid of her having complete control over my body and life than of dying or being arrested... Does that even make sence?

Every now and then i google on how to make a will, and what i need to make a will official. I know its stupid but i mean if i ever die, at least i want the good things that i have , my things, the things i got with my own money to go to someone i love, someone who actually gives a shit about me. I dont know. I know how to kill myself, and i have what i need for it to happend.` I just kinda hoped i could still have a life somehow.. I hoped i could escape this, i hoped maybe in the future if i work hard enough i could be happy someday. I could have my own house and a decent job, that i could have my health back, that i could have myself back. I havent done it, the knowledge of failling and being sent to a mental hospital or being crontrolled by her, scares me, completly terrorizes me... ..... im gonna leave this here, i cant seem to write anything else whitout crying my shit off..

[chocojjk]

Eggs

summary: badboy! changbin if you squint 

words: 7k

warnings: one mention of death by illness

a/n: this took way too long cause i got so lazy lmfao, slide into my inbox with prompts cause idk what to write after this 

not edited per usual, im lazy :(((

you and changbin lived in different worlds

changbin has always been the schools most notorious bad boy

along with his group, 3racha

he was the typical bad boy -- gets into fights, wears leather, barely shows up to class, etc.

after watching countless of rom-coms, you and i, reader, should know that bad boys like to keep to themselves

and they won't bother you unless you cross their territory, not at all different from changbin

someone bullies one of his friends???

you might as well run now , because he will be coming for your ass

he catches you talking shit?

you should probably say goodbye to your mouth and have a doctors appointment ready

the point im trying to make is that seo changbin does not take shit from anyone

which doesn't really matter at this point because everyone has learned to fear him

on the other hand, you're, what they say is a “good girl”

too caught up with your books and your grades, in the library 24/7, worrying too much about the future you envision

you stayed away from drama as much as possible, happy with the 2-3 friends that you have  

and,,,

well,,,

you probably saw this coming,, but just in case you didnt, ill say it

your two different worlds are about to collide

---------------

youve been searching for a little over 20 minutes to where he could be when you finally spotted him at the table all way in the back of the library

you let out the deepest sigh, you shouldve figured he would choose that table jfc

‘he really is sticking to his reputation’ you think to yourself as you made your way over to him

“hi, im y/n, i'm your tutor,” you say, giving him a soft smile

changbin doesn't even bother to reply to you as he got up and left

you were left standing there like,,,

what the fuck just happened ??

before you finally snapped out of your confused trance and chased after him

catching up to him you grab his arm, putting a complete halt to his movement

and suddenly the library was even quieter than it should be

every single eye in the room focused on the interaction that lies in front of them

the notorious bad boy and the goody two shoes,,, how incredibly cliche

he looks at you, his eyes dark and unreadable

the expression on his face was emotionless yet it felt like he was crushing you under his stare

finally noticing that your hand was still gripped around his arm, you quickly let go, letting out a small “ehem”

the tension in the air was thick, it felt like someone just put a dark cloud above your head and you couldn’t blow it away

god damn this was awkward

not even the good awkward where you can laugh about it later, this is the kind of awkward situation that hits you in the middle of the night and suddenly you're just cringing at every bad thing you have done in the past

“uhm, im suppose to tutor you,” you try to say confidently as soon as you found your voice, but really it was barely above a whisper

“maybe show up on time,” he says, his voice as dark and as strong as his aura

and with one final look at you, he walked out of there

you didnt bother anymore, you knew you were at fault

‘we’ll try again tomorrow,’ you think to yourself before your best friend, hyunjin walked up to you, pulling you outside the library  

“dude are you okay?”

“uhmm, why wouldn’t i be?”

“i just saw you talking to changbin”

“ok and ?”

“he’s bad news y/n,” your best friend says, warning you

“ i dont really have a choice hyunjin” you reply

you think back to 3 days ago when you were called to the principal's office

not gonna lie, you were shaking in your boots,, only bad kids get randomly sent to the principal's office

as you entered the room, Mrs. Seo was already waiting for you behind her desk

“hi ms. l/n, i dont think weve formally met,” she says, reaching out to shake your hand

“ its nice to meet you”

“ please, sit down, make yourself comfortable,” she continued, pointing to the seat right in front of her

sensing your nervousness she quickly added a, “don't worry, you're not in trouble”

phew

your brain was starting to hurt from trying to rack what you must have done wrong to be seated in the big office

“ why am i here then if you don't mind me asking?”

“ ah yes, i need you to tutor my son”

,,,,,

oh

(◎_◎;)

,,,

“umm, why me?”

“you're top 1 in the class, is there anyone better than you to do it?”

well,,, she wasn't wrong

you mentally pat yourself at the back for this, happy that your efforts were being noticed

“don't worry ms. l/n, if you succeed, i’ll make sure you get into any college that you desire “

‘pshhhh, im top 1 ms seo, i can do that on my own’ you think to yourself 

“....and fully paid for.”

well, shit , how can you say no to that offer

its literally free education right in your fingertips  

what's the catch??

“ you can do that?” you ask

“ of course. i know very important people. so what do you say?”

and after a few minutes of contemplating within yourself, you finally agreed

“ also, while you're at it, i want you to change my son's reputation.”

and there it is

“ i'm sorry?” you reply,, maybe you just misheard the fact that she literally asked you to change her son

“ i don't just want you to tutor him in english, i want you to make him a better person.”

“how do you expect me to do that?”

“be his friend. teach him the ways of life, i'm not always gonna be around to get him out of trouble. You're a smart girl ms. l/n you'll figure it out.”

without giving you a final say, she ushered you out of there but not before she added

“ one last thing ms. l/n, dont tell anyone about this.”

the way she said it was so scary, and its like a spell was casted on you and you could only utter out an

“ of course mam”

i guess from her standpoint, she made sense

“ i just dont understand why Mrs. Seo chose you out of all the people”

“ we’ve already gon over this hyunjin”

“ yeah yeah, its cause youre the smartest of the class-”

hyunjin continues to talk however you’ve tuned him out as your eyes went to focus on changbin, himself

greeting the rest of his friends, an actual smile on his face, much different from the changbin you encountered a couple minutes ago

he gets up on his motorcycle and was about ready to put his helmet on when he felt someone staring at him ( i told yall, tYpiCAl bad boy )

he whips his head around in quick search for the culprit

and for the second time that day, you found yourself looking in the dark brown eyes of the the one and only, seo changbin

his smile quickly disappearing once he found your eyes

putting on his helmet whilst still maintaining the eye contact, he quickly drove away and you can't help but continue to just watch his figure retreat to the size of a dot until he was completely away from your line of vision

the next day - friday

you were in the library, seated in the table changbin used the day before

unlike yesterday, you were there dummy early

exactly 30 minutes before the actual tutoring session

he wasn't going to get away this time

finally , the chair across from you gets occupied, a backpack loudly flopping its way unto the table

he doesn't say a word,

he doesn't even look at you

he just sits there, staring at the table between you guys

“uhm, i think we got on the wrong foot yesterday, im y/n”

you say, a wide smile on your face, trying to change the atmosphere

he scoffs at this

‘omyfuckinggod who does he think he is’

‘im gonna fucking murder this kid’

‘his mom was right when he said he needed to change’

as much as you wanted to just punch him in the face, you plastered a small smile on your face instead

“should we start?” you continue

“i guess”

for the next hour, you learn that changbin doesn’t even need tutoring

he was definitely smarter than he lead on

he knew the answer to every single question you asked and didnt even seem like he was trying 

“uhmm, changbin can i ask you something?”

he just nods at you, urging you to go on

“are you failing your class on purpose?”

and with that he stands up, giving you a small smirk, “i think this session is over,”

“i-okay- i-i’ll see you on monday!” you say even though he was already a good 5 feet away from you  

-----------

as you laid in your bed that night, you wondered why the boy chose to fail his class

but no matter what scenario you could think of, you just cant understand it

is this what privileged people do ?

they know that they can get away with anything so they dont even try ?

‘aish, why am i thinking about him,’

‘y/n stop it’

‘ahhhhh’

you tried forcing yourself to sleep, to completely shut off all thoughts

but damn that stupid smirk on his face just keeps reappearing

and with that you slapped your pillow unto your face, not at all excited for the days to come

saturday night - 9 pm

to be honest, you weren't the type to go out on a saturday night

however you stayed in bed the whole day binging your netflix shows that you completely forgot to run your errands

so now you're here, at the local supermarket, buying your weekly groceries

you may be asking why can't your parents just do it?

well,,,

you only live with your mom, and she was very busy running the night shift at the hospital + picking up extra shifts

so she's really never home 

and when she is, she crashes right to sleep, exhausted from work

so ever since two years ago, when you turned 16, this has been the life that you were used to

you weren't complaining of course, she was only working to provide for you and your future

the least you could do is help around the house

after a good 7 minutes, you finally gathered everything that you needed

eggs, check

bread, check

peanut butter, check

a bag of hot cheetos,,,, check check and check

you nodded, proud of yourself for finishing it so fast and made your way to your car until a loud crash stops you from doing so

the next thing you know, you were being dragged into the alleyway

“1!!!!1111! I- get off of me,” you say thrashing and kicking, trying to get away

‘oh god, im gonna die tonight,’

‘if there is a god out there,, pls,,, not tonight’

‘i haven't finished my netflix series yet,, plssss’

however your thoughts were cut short when your captor whispered, “shhh, its changbin”

changbin??

chaNgbIN???

chANGBIN???

he finally turns you around, making you face him

“play along if you don't want to get hurt,”

and in one quick motion, his lips were on yours,,,

seo changbin was kissing you

your eyes open, stunned at what was happening

and then you noticed it...5 men walking around the area

and hoping that you've watched the right dramas, you pieced together what you think is happening

leading you to closing your eyes and kissing him back

which honestly caught changbin off guard, “good girls” dont react this way???

but he’d never let you know that, as he pulled you closer to him,

his arms snaking  around your waist

your hands going around his neck, the grocery bag being forgotten

yall were full on making out now

too caught up with each other’s taste to even notice the 5 guys leaving

(((im really bad at writing these kinds of scenes jfc, this sounds awkward as hell pls just picture it)))

until finally after like 23823 years, you pulled away, trying to catch your breath

damn, that kiss was good

probably the best one you’ve ever had

what????

just cause you're a goody-two-shoes doesn't mean you haven't been kissed before okay,,, were not going THAT cliche

he slowly lets go of you, his eyes darting to the grocery bag on the ground

“your eggs are broken,” he says

“m-my eggs?”, you reply, still on cloud nine,

following his gaze, you snapped out of your daze

“oh, r-right, my eggs,” you say softly, a frown making its way upon your face

changbin grabs your hand, pulling you towards the grocery store

“what are you doing?”

as usual, he doesn’t reply

honestly, you should be used to this by now

he dashes around the supermarket

you were right behind him, trying to keep up with his fast paced speed

finally, he gets to his location, the egg aisle

“which one do you want?”

“what?”

“eggs, which one?” he replies

“uhm, you don't have to, i can ju-”

“i'm not doing this for you,” he replies, cutting you off

you looked at him , not knowing what he meant

‘if he wasn't doing it for me then who the fuck is he buying these eggs for, i don't see anyone else here’

sensing your dumbness he grabbed a carton of the most expensive eggs and made his way to the cashier, pulling you along  

and you don't know why, or what has gotten into you, but all you could do was watch and follow

“here. were even now.” he says, before walking away, leaving you in front of the grocery store, holding a carton of eggs

monday

and now we’re back to the start of the week

which means another week of tutoring

as you waited for changbin to show up at the usual spot, you can’t help but think back to two nights ago

the feeling of his lips against yours all a distant memory yet at the same time, one that you could still remember clearly

“hey,” changbin says, breaking you out of your thoughts

“hi?” you reply, confused as to why he even greeted you in the first place

you guys do the usual, read a couple of flash cards, learn new words blah blah blah and all that boring crap that you learn in a high school English class

at one point you guys find yourself just sat in silence, and you can’t help but ask the question that’s been on your mind since Saturday night

“so who were those guys?”

“doesn’t concern you”

“uhm, the fact that you had your tongue down my mouth says otherwise,”

changbin was shocked, he wasn’t used to people responding to him the way you just did

don’t you know who he is???

he gives you one of his signature smirks, regaining his composure

“you liked my tongue being down your throat,” he says teasingly

o_O

＜(。_。)＞

excuse me what

is he flirting with you ??

what’s happening ??

“who said I did?” you say mimicking his tone, not allowing yourself to back down of this conversation

after Saturday night you told yourself that you were never going to just watch and follow

if you didn’t want the damn egg, you should’ve said something, you were so disappointed in yourself

you had your own brain, you can make your own decisions

besides you were here to be in control over him, not the other way around

“oh cmon, you’re really gonna try to refute it??” he says, the stupid smirk still evident on his stupid face

god, how you wish you could just smack it off

with your mouth

wait, who said that???

“you enjoyed it just as much as I did,” you say, knowing that if you answer then he would stop

and you were right, he completely shut his mouth and let the silence envelop you once again

“they were kids from another school,”

you look up at him, shocked that he actually answered

“why were they looking for you?”

“I may have keyed their car,” he says chuckling

“Because?”

“Isn’t that enough questions y/n?”

y/n

that was the first time he’s ever said your name

and you weren’t gonna lie, you liked how it sounded

“sorry”

“it’s fine”

“i don’t want to question it but why are you being so nice?”

“you helped me out without questioning me which means you trust me. im just returning the favor.”

“so, what im hearing is , you trust me?”

<(￣︶￣)>

“don’t make me have to say it out loud”

trust

you don’t know how you did it so quickly,

maybe the gods are at your side, but you finally got thE seo changbin to trust you

2  weeks later

you’ve been tutoring changbin just the same

same time

same table

same library

however, so much has changed

mostly the dynamic of your guys’ relationship

it was like he was a totally different person

like I said before, changbin was smart

but in these last couple of days, you realized just how smart he actually was,

he can honestly probably give you a run for your money

and because of this, your past tutoring sessions have ended up with you guys just laughing and joking around

weird, right ?

changbin and laughing ?

who would’ve thought ??

even onlookers were surprised

and everytime changbin laughed at one of your guys’ silly antics, you swear you can hear a pin drop

the whole room just becomes silent

at first, it bothered you how people were just listening in to your conversation, obviously judging the scene

but as the days went by and it seemed that changbin could care less, you started not caring either

and if you were being completely honest, you looked forward to spending time with him

when changbin was with you, it was just you and changbin, nothing else

he somehow manages to make you forget about reality

“lets ditch tutoring sessions today,” he says as soon as he took the seat next to you

“changbin, no”

“c’mon y/n, live a little”

“excuse you! I do have a life!”

“making out with your homework and watching Netflix shows 24/7 is not a life”

“okAy, now you’re just being mean,” you say, pouting at him

“im not being mean, I’m being honest,”

“yeAH and?? no one asked for your honesty,”

changbin laughs at this

lately he found himself laughing more

and for once, he didn’t mind it

you were doing something to him

and he liked it

“cmon, I’m not taking no for an answer,” he says, packing up your things

you sigh in defeat

you know that once changbin sets his mind to something, there's no changing it

so here you are, standing in front of an abandoned music building

“uhhhh, what are we doing here?”

“have you ever trespassed before?” he replies, a smug smile on his face

“nu-uh nope, no way in hell changbin!” you say, your attempt to stop this from happening

however, changbin was already making his way towards the door, completely breaking the lock

aannnndd

he was inside  

“c’mon y/n,” he says reaching out his hand to yours

even though all you need to do is take two steps forward and you're officially a criminal

you were scared shitless

what happens if you get caught omg

almost like he was reading your mind, he quickly says, “y/n, ive been here over a million times and ive never gotten caught,”

“i dont know changbin”

“hm, thats too bad, i wanted to share a secret with you,” he says, a hint of playfulness in his voice before he stepped out of the building and made his way towards his motorcycle

but of course,,,

you being a nosy bitch

“wait,”

“yes?”

“lets go inside”

you guys enter the building, the rooms getting darker and darker the deeper you go (this building is huge okAY)

if you weren't shitting your pants before, you definitely are now 

an abandoned building???

and its dark???

youve seen this in every scary movie out there

it never goes well

“uhm changbin,” you whisper, as you guys continue to walk

“hm”

“i-um can i hold your hand? im scared and - actually you know what its fine its dumb you dont hav-”

but before you can even finish your sentence, his hand were already laced around yours, providing you the comfort and security that you were looking for

you shut your mouth after that, just letting changbin lead the way

passing by so many rooms, each one looking the same as the other, it was starting to feel like a maze

however , changbin seemed to know exactly where to go

‘I guess he has been here over a million times’ you thought to yourself

“were here,” he says, opening the door and letting go of your hands as he reached out for the lights

not gonna lie, you were missing the way his hand felt around yours but thats not the time to think about that

“a music room?” you asked, clearly puzzled

“yeah, you might not know this about me but i can spit barsss,” he says, letting out chuckle

“eyE”

“you dont believe me huh”

“absolutely not”

“ok, watch this”

and with that he entered the recording booth, of course not after he pressed a bunch of buttons

honestly , you have no idea what he’s doing

but as soon as he put the headphones on

*cue any 3racha song because im too indecisive to choose one*

he was,,

indeed,,,

spitting bars

you could not believe your ears

who the fuck is this

you stood there, stunned at the fact the he was rapping about real shit and not something stupid and meaningless (rip wow, she is meaNinGFUL to me okAY)

after he finished rapping, the room was absolute silent

changbin felt dumb, he thought you were gonna praise him but there you were not uttering a single word,

he need you to say something ,anything,, hell, you can even laugh

he’d prefer anything over the silence  

he’s literally the ‘i just showed u my dick pls respond’ meme but its like ‘i showed u my talent pls validate me’

avoiding to make eye contact with you, he walks out of the recording booth

sitting on the couch against the wall, he finally breaks the silence

“so yeah, thats a song my friends and i wrote, its stupid-”

“its not stupid.” you say quickly

“oh?”

“since when where you into this?” you ask, curiosity filling your eyes, taking the seat right next to him

“what do you mean? music?? everyone’s into music y/n” changbin retorts, not wanting to go into detail

“hhhh, you know what i mean changbin,”

changbin doesnt know why

but he wanted to share this side of him with you

maybe because you were the first person that he has ever allowed himself to be close with

or maybe it was because you stuck around him for this long, no one, besides chan and jisung were able to do that

whatever it was, he wants to keep you by his side

he figured that showing you his true self would do just that

so after having a battle with his inner thoughts, he finally says

“my dad was really into this stuff, he taught me everything i know,” changbin beamed

“oh! thats really cool, do you still make music with him?” you say, genuinely interested, youve never really heard about his dad before

“uhmm, hes not really around for me to do that,”

aaaannd,,, thats why,, god reader smh

“oh, im sorry,” you say softly, mentally slapping yourself

“no its okay, you didnt know….he passed away when i was 11”

“what happened?,,,, y-you dont have to tell me if you dont want to,” you quickly added

“I want to,” changbin says, reassuring you

“he just,,, he just died in his sleep, apparently it was a stroke,” sighing, he looked up at the ceiling, trying to hold back his tears

“you must miss him,” you say, your voice still soft

for the first time since youve met changbin, he resembled a piece of glass

so fragile

he was giving you a piece of him, letting you see clearly a part of who he was

and all you wanna do is make sure that you won’t break that piece

“he built this studio...wanted to start his own music company,” he continued as you sat there just listening to him

“my mom hates it though, she stopped funding this place as soon as she can,”

oh

the mention of his mom suddenly brought you back to the deal that you have made 2 weeks ago

and god, you felt guilty

you were here, trying to change him, when nothing should be changed

sure seo changbin had a bad reputation but he is not bad

he’s just protective is all

to be honest, he was one of the kindest, gentlest soul you have met

“i promised myself that i would continue our dream, for him and me, but mostly for him,”

“i-is that why youre failing your classes?” you ask, everything finally piecing together

“huh?”

“you dont care about school because you already know what you want to do...where you want to be”

“hm, you truly are a smart girl y/n,” he says before nodding and flashing you a smile

those words

so similar to the ones his mom has given you

but this time you weren't in the mood to pat yourself in the back

because shit, this is thE dumbest thing you've ever done in your life

after hearing this, you made up your mind, you werent gonna partake in this deal anymore

if you were really as smart as everyone says, you can get into the school you want without any problem

sure it won't be free, but your mom aint working her ass off during her nightly shifts for nothing

and so, right when you go to school tomorrow, you were determined to end it

you’d still tutor changbin, you just won't accept any of the perks that came along with it

“thank you for sharing this with me,” you say genuinely, a smile creeping unto your face

“thank you for caring enough to listen,” changbin replies, his smile getting wider

and then it hits you,

“wait, so you mean to tell me that this is YOUR studio all along??”

and at this changbin lets out the loudest laugh

and you can't help but mirror his actions

1 week later

oof, that time jump, i thought you were gonna end it the next day reader

welp,,

you work hard, but somehow satan, aka the author, works harder

Mrs. Seo had to leave for two weeks, attending board meetings around the country, and whatever principals do,,, i'm too lazy to research what they actually do  

╥﹏╥

and so you spent another week, with seo changbin by your side

one week down, another to go

and when that day comes, you can finally freely hang out with him without all the guilt eating you up

this week you guys even hung out outside of the library

you’ve been with him so much, even your friends have started to notice it

“y/n, are you coming with us to the movies,” felix asks

“oh,, umm sorry guys, i cant,”

“who else are you gonna be with? i thought we were your only friends,” minho pointed out, a pout on his face  

“with changbin of course,” hyunjin hissed, obviously upset that you have been pushing them to the side  

“ i can hang out with anyone that i want,” you argued, really not having any of his attitude 

“ you shouldnt hang out with people like him,” hyunjin retorted

you scoffed, “what’s that supposed to mean?”

“i mean blink once if youre being held captive” hyunjin joked, as the rest of the table snickered

however, you didn't find it funny,

who were they to talk about changbin like that??

they didnt even know him

and so you stood up, leaving all your friends calling out for you

-------------

walking to the table, you flopped down on your chair, slamming your backpack on the floor

“what's got you in such a bad mood?” changbin asks

“nothing,” you huffed, getting your materials out of your backpack

you didn't want to tell changbin that your best friends think hes the devil himself and didn't want you around him

meanwhile , changbin was annoyed

it seems like he's shared so much with you since the music room yet he still barely knows anything about you

he wondered that maybe you didn't want to be in his life the way he wanted to be in yours

but fuck it, he’s just gonna spend the time he has with you enjoying it rather than filling his mind with negative thoughts

but damn, you're frown was really bothering him

“y/n,” he says, calling out to you

no response

“y/n,” he continues, poking you on the elbow

still no response

“y/n”

You sigh, looking up at him, an emotionless expression on your face, you responded with a strong, “what.”

*insert changbin doing aegyo*

and with that , you lost it

you were an absolute madman

you never expected that the one and only seo changbin

notorious badboy

would ever do aegyo

all because you had a stupid frown on yourself

you laughed so loud

changbin doing the same as soon as your melodic laugh hit his ears

which resulted to you guys being kicked out of the library

-------------

“ i cant believe you got me kicked out of my favorite place,” you say, seated in a booth inside the ice cream parlor near your guys’ school

another one of changbins ideas

“ hey its not my fault you laugh like a hyena!” he says smiling before you threw a curled up paper tissue at his face

a couple of seconds later, after your laughter has died down

“ so, you want to tell me now why you were in such a sour mood?”

you knew that if you werent gonna tell him now that would still end up finding out about it from someone else

and so you came clean

“ its just my friends,,,, they dont think youre a good influence, wants me to stop hanging out with you” you say

“ oh,”

“ but dont worry!, i didnt listen to them, i actually told them off,” you confessed

“ why didnt you listen to them? theyve been your friends longer than youve known me?” he asks

“ because they dont know you” you reply, “and im sure if they did, they would also be friends with you”

as much as he appreciated the way you stood up for him, he didnt want you going through all that trouble 

‘god, what did he even do to deserve an angel like you,’ changbin thinks to himself 

“ don't tell them off next time,” he grunted

“ wh-what?”

“ everything they say about me is true”

“ changbin, no its not”

“ honestly y/n it doesnt bother me so dont let it bother you”

“ why doesnt it bother you?” you ask, wanting to know the reason

“ because its high school. after this, literally no one would care anymore. and then real life starts, people move on and worry about bigger things, things that actually matter more than the status quo. let them say what they say.”

and just like every other time, changbin has left you stunned

the arrival of Ms. Seo - tuesday 

a week has passed since the ice cream parlor

and Ms. Seo was back in town

this was it

the day you finally put a halt to it

and you were beyond ready

you haven't seen changbin all day

you figured that since his mom was back then he was also back to avoiding the school like it was a plague

you entered Ms. Seos room, determined

“Ms. Seo -”

She puts a hand up to her lips, signaling you to be quiet

‘bitch omygod i literally cant keep doing this any longer,’

‘its already been over a month’

so you ignored her warning

“im not doing this deal anymore. I’ll still tutor changbin but I won’t change him,,,, and you can keep your stupid money,” you let out, releasing all the bottled up emotions

“is that all,”she replies

“yes”

“then you may leave”

what???

it was that easy????

you thought she was gonna stop you, force you to hold your end of the bargain

if you knew it would’ve been this easy then you wouldn’t have worried over it so much

but you don’t know a lot of things

and you certainly didnt know that changbin was on the other line

later that day

you’re seated in the library

usual place, usual time, waiting for the one and only seo changbin, yet he never showed

you didn’t think much of it

‘maybe he just forgot’ you tell yourself

the next day - wednesday

here you were again, waiting for him

still nothing

you try and think of reasons why he wouldn’t show up two days in a row and can really only think of one - maybe his mom told him that he didn’t need tutoring anymore?

but surely, he would tell you

right ???

sure you guys started off on the wrong foot but you were friends now

at least you thought so

you decided to just give him the benefit of the doubt

‘maybe he’s just busy’

2 days later - friday

you’ve tried everything you can do to get a hold of changbin

all your calls went straight to voicemail

texts were left on delivered

you didn’t even see him around school anymore

it was like your worlds never collided and he was never a part of yours

you were starting to get worried, what if he got himself into trouble

“look who decided to show her face,” hyunjin comments as you took the seat next to him

ever since the day you guys had your argument, you have never been able to talk to him about it

“im not in the mood,” you reply,

hyunjin sensing that you were exhausted,

“hey,” he says softly, “what’s wrong?”

“nothing”

“y/n please, we’ve been friends for over 3 years, you don’t need to lie to me”

“aren’t you mad at me?”

“no. im upset that you’ve been pushing us to the side for your little boy toy but im not mad,” he says giving you a soft smile

hhhhh, it was times like these you remember why he was your best friend

hyunjin was just so thoughtful, so caring

you return the smile he gave you as you pulled him in for a tight hug

“I’m sorry hyunjin”

“it’s okay, im sorry too, now tell me what’s wrong?”

“it’s just changbin-“

“I swear to god, if he even laid a finger on you he’s a dead man”

“no!” you say quickly putting an end to his assumption

“so what happened?” he asks, eyebrows going up in sheer curiosity

and then you told him

you told him about the deal with Ms. seo

about how your relationship with changbin changed along the way

how you ended the deal

and now we’re back to changbin and ignoring you

“damn, well have you tried actually going to him?”

“i wouldnt even know where -”

and then it hits you

the abandoned music building

“hyunjin, youre a genius!!!,” you say excitedly

“thanks, we been knew”

“ i have to go ill explain later, bye!!” you say, dashing out of there as fast as you could and made your way to the abandoned building

taking the bus there gave you time to reflect on everything that has happened this past couple month

how much your life has changed since changbin entered it

he pushed you to take risks, to live out of your comfort zone, to not care about other people’s opinions

he made you feel free

and most importantly, he made you happy

the good girl has fallen for the bad boy, i told yall this was gonna be cliche right?

continuing on

just as you  expected, the door was open

the dark didnt even bother you anymore, the only thing in your mind was changbin

oh,, where could he be??

could you ever find your way into this maze of a building and retrace the steps that he took when he was by your side?

as you got deeper and deeper into the building, you feel yourself start to get lost

‘fuck i already saw this door’

‘omg y/n did you really just walk in a circle’

and then you hear it

music, singing

your nightingale

you walk faster, desperate to get to the voice

and here you are now, face to face with the one and only, seo changbin

he stops singing as soon as he saw you walk in

“hey,” you whisper out yet he continued to just stand there, not uttering a single word

“your voice is really pretty, i didnt know you could sing!-”

“what do you want?” his voice, dark and firm just like the day you first met him

This caught you off guard

Did you do something wrong?

“Did i do something wrong?” you say, not aware that you have said your thoughts out loud

changbin chuckles but it was so uninviting, like he was taunting you

“ please, drop the act”

?????

“what?” you reply, completely confused

“ you dont like me ”

“ changbin, what?”

“ you're just like everyone else”

“ changbin i really dont understand pl-”

“ i shouldn't have trusted you.”

“ what?!??, no changbin, you can trust me! just tell me whats wrong!”

all the while, you guys were still talking with a glass between the two of you

ironic, since you felt like a wall has been planted around changbin and you cant reach him  

“ you think i should change”

“ no”

“ what do you mean no? I heard you y/n! I heard what you told my mom, i heard about the stupid deal, the stupid money!”

(⊙…⊙,)

“ changbin, let me explain”

“ i know im known as the bad boy y/n, but you… youre even worse than me”

“ changbin.”

“ youre a monster”

and with hearing those words, the tears that you have been so desperately trying to keep just bursted out like a waterfall

changbin too, has let out his tears

and all we got now are two broken people who can clearly see each other yet are still on opposite sides of the glass

“ you're just like everyone out there that you have resented, you judged me by other people’s words, i thought- i thought that i can finally found someone i could open up to but you never even gave me chance from the beginning”

you let him talk without interrupting him

you deserved the ache you were feeling in your heart

everything he said was true

and with that he breaks down, straight to the floor, back against the wall, hugging his knees

and all you could do was watch, until you couldn't take it anymore

you finally entered the recording booth , taking a seat on the floor right next to him, mimicking his broken figure

“im sorry”

silence

you looked up at the ceiling as you sighed

he deserves an explanation

“ yes, i took the deal, but that's because i thought i needed it changbin. I may be smart, but financially my family isn't doing well. my mom already works extra shifts but it still won't be enough. my dad isnt even in the picture, i dont know where the hell he is”

and with this, changbins head slowly perks up, looking at you with his glass-like eyes, as you continued to stare at the ceiling

you were finally opening up to him

just like how he has been doing

“ i took the deal because, you’re right, i judged you, i was stupid and i never expected us to actually be friends, clearly i was wrong. you have taught me so much. you have pushed me into doing things i never thought i could do. you made me see the world in a different way.”

he’s still just listening to you when you finally took your eyes away from the ceiling and faced him

“ i understand if you dont want to see me anymore but i cant leave you knowing that i never got to say this,” you continue, afraid of the results that were about to come

“ what else are you hiding from me?” he says, but this time, he says it softly, the furious changbin that you have encountered just minutes ago was completely gone

“ i think im in love with you,” you say, quickly looking down, embarrassed at your confession

“ y/n look at me,”

“ i dont want to”

“ why?”

“ i know you're gonna break my heart”

“ you broke mine first,” and with that he lifted your chin up, making you look him straight into his eyes before kissing you

this kiss was different from your first one

it was slow but passionate, filled with all of the unsaid words between the two of you

your guys lips both slightly chapped from all the crying

yet his lips still felt like the softest pair against yours

pulling away, changbin leans his forehead against yours, his eyes closed

yours were open though, taking the sight all in before you pulled away, wiping away his left over tears

“ god, were a mess,” he finally says out loud, before he pulled you in a tight hug 

“ im sorry,” you say again

“ i’ll forgive you if you promise to continue tutoring me?”

“ what ?”

“ continue the deal, get the money”

“ changbin, i really don't want to do that”

“ i know you dont. but we have to finesse my mom somehow,” he says, bursting into a smile, clearly joking

…

..

“eYE,,, i cannot believe you right now! You can't be serious!”

“ but i am. go back into her office tell her you’ll continue it and get the money for your education.”

“changbin! stop joking! I already feel bad about it!”

“Okay fine i just like it when you tutor me okay, its kinda sexy” he says

playfully slapping him, you guys laugh, the tension in the air finally gone

“ you know if you didnt buy me those eggs, we wouldnt be here by now,” you say, a small smile on your face

“ hmm, and why?”

“ because those eggs were the first time i realized that the most notorious bad boy, the one and only Seo Changbin, can also be soft,”

“ do not use my name and soft in the same sentence ever again,”

“ what are you gonna do about it?” you reply, taunting him

and so

he pulled you into another kiss

and another

and another

until a series of laughter coming from the both of you interrupted it

“im glad i bought you those eggs”

hhhhhhh this ending is so rushed and so bad i just didnt wanna leave it unfinished 

ALSO IM SEEING STRAY KIDS BITCHES!!!!!,,,,,, MY SEAT HELLA FAR BUTS ITS OKAY BECAUSE ILL STILL BE THERE ╭(′▽`)╭(′▽`)╯

[lupusexspiravite]

My Health Journey and what Helped.

Hello, My Name is Wolf aka Lupus Ex Spiravite and i have a Story to share.

 8 Years ago, Just before I graduated college, Had a Fiancee/ Submissive, Was a Pro CoD Gamer and everything in the world felt Right. Then one day after a rather long and stresfull day, i woke up with a severe Headache that went on for 2 and a half weeks (Not days, weeks.) I thought i just had overworked myself, Come to find out 8 years later that it was the started point of when my health Deteriated and my safe and comfy world disappeared. It wasnt a meer headache this turned out to be my first of 3 total mini-strokes. I went in and they ER confirmed that during the last 2 weeks of my associates degree i had had a mini-stroke and was lucky that i was even alive. They ran tests and eventualy all they could do was tell me to get bed rest and do as much of nothing as i could.

So i did, and barely managed to graduate with a 3.45 gpa In Computer Drafting and Design. I was happy and i thought it was over so i went into going for my bachelors of Game Design. 2 months into the degree my body started to really move on its own, I had always had small jerking movements in random places of my body but this was different, It first started heavily in my hands making it extremely hard to do almost anything. So i went ot the doctors they gave me some muscle relaxers and sent me on my way. i was good for about 7-8 months before the movements went up from my arms into my chest and made it extremely hard to breath. The doctors didnt think anything of it and just gave me more pain releavers and sent me on my way untill i went to a hospital i personally trusted and they tested me and found i had Late onset Severe Tourettes Syndrome. Meaning that i had had tourettes my whole life but only recently did it begin to truly act up.

 I was given meddations and the twitches as i call them died down a lot. I was able to get back to my schooling and try to get good grades. so i did. Thought nothing of it until one morning i woke up with excruiciating pain in my chest. the type of pain and discomfort you never want to feal. toke me 3 hours before i told my fiancee to drive to the er. When we got there i ended up passing out 4 timee before i was brought ot the back and given again muscle relaxers which calmed it down. That was thrst of almost 900 chest pain attacks i had during the next 13 months During whcih my tics Just came back with force.

It toke those doctors 13 months to figure out i had an extremely rare condition which causes the muscles in my chest wall to contract at over 100 contractions a second, literally mimicking a heart attack without having a heart attack.  During this time I was diagnosed with 6 other Health Conditions, which eventually lead to me dropping out of getting my bachelors degree. So i toke a break friom school Opened my own computer repair company and went on my way to well living. Then i had a head ache this time not as bad but enough to cause me to black out for a total of 3 hours. when i woke up i was in the hospital, i was toke that the mini-stroke had left a scar of sorts which was gonna cause me to have black out head aches for the rest of my life. During this time i was working on gettingm my license and as soon as the DMV heard my health history they black listed me from driving. I let it roll off thinking everything will be ok. another 8 months goes by and My fiancee/Sub left because she couldnt handle me having these health issues. My buisness Died, and i was forced to go live with my sperm donor for a while.

 Which allowed me to focus on getting my health straightened out but that lasted 6 motnhs before i was kicked out of my sperm donors house because i wasnt christian. For 5 and half months i Literally spent the days and nights on the streats with nothing but me and the wilderness to contend with sincle it was a backwoods town. I eventually got a call from a friend and went to live with her for a while. She eneded up becoming my Sub because we had been in talks about it before i originally left to go stay with my sperm donor. i was happy for 2 years. I eneded up finiding that Marijuana was a good way to calm all my health issues down and because i had a Sub again My Phyiscal and Mental Health was extremely good. Till i hit another road block.

A second Min-Stroke, Followed by severe food poisioning a month later and 4 monhs after that a emergency Gall Bladder Removal, which left me weak and vulnerable yet again, and what happens my Submissive again Tells me She cant deal with my health issues and im forced to again leave. This time coming to another state where my sister helped me get my health situated ( During this time i had my third mini-stroke) before i get told the worst news in the world, I had stge 2 colarectal Cancer which needed an imidiate Surgery Removal. I was Diagnosed on May 9th, 2019, when into surgery 2 months later. Spend 3 months recovering before a secondary surgery was done and recovered from that after another 4 months.  This left me with mutiple Scars on the inside and a non-alcholic Fatty Liver with barely working kidneys. As of June 8th 2020 i was told i had beaten my cancer. I was happy but it left me with extra health issues.

 Mentally during the whole time i was and still am struggled with depression, Anxiety, Over active Stress, PTSD and More whcih was not being taken care of because to the doctors it wasnt bad enough. During this 8 year period i put myself in a Mental Hospital twice to try to deal with everything going on. Didnt really help. Then I started Teaching BDSM after all i had spent 5 years prior to this. First Studying for the first year, then Learning and participating in the BDSM Lifestlye for the remaining 4 years after i hit 18. BDSM Became the only way i could truly ground myself. When i was doing a scene it was like my entire health issues, both physically and mentally just Disappeared and my Sole focus was on what was going on in the Scene.

 Over all these years, Since i hit 18 and then when i hit 22 and became a Certified BDSM Master, BDSM Became the one Rock that even in the Darkest days could bring me out of it. BDSM Allowed me a Healthy Way to Cope while teaching and Enjoying something I  Loved. This is the power of BDSM that No one talks about. That no one expects but it is there. It pulls you into a grounding vortex that doesnt let you go for as long as you need so you can Enjoy. Have Fun, Safely and healthily become Grounded. For me Its like Lighting that electifies and subdoes all my health issues. Once i learned when i was 18 that it did that I never once looked back. and to BDSM I say Sincerely Thank you and i hope that During the rest of my Hopefully long Life i can within the BDSM Lifestyle.

The reason i diecided to make this was because, There has been a lot of people who Dont understand that the BDSM Lifestyle is Something more to me than just a relationship. It is literally a way for me to Keep myself going through the Crappiest of days. The funny part of all this is I know I am not the Only one in whicht the BDSM Lifestyle helps in this way.

Thank you for Reading the ramblings of a an old Souls post.

[ithinkofnealcassady]

ok I prematurely sent an ask sorry lol I meant to ask what shows you’ve been in! sorry im incoherent lol

LMAO it made me laugh don’t worry! i’ll list my shows and roles fjdnjf some are funny i swear but some are just ouch!

seventh grade: willie wonka — oompa loompa. we wore green tinsel wigs. my acting debut.

eighth grade: high school musical — gabriella. iconic of me. my troy was garbage and now sexually harasses all the gays in my town. some kids who went to my high school shook me by the shoulders after the show and told me i MUST continue in high schooo. so i did.

freshman year: oliver twist — oliver understudy. i played every pickpocket soloist and also an orphan lad. again, iconic of me. i am, let me point out, a cis female. that did not stop me from being the best dang male pickpocket on that stage.

sophomore year: sweeney todd — ensemble and featured soloist in “the letter,” which is one of my favorite fucked up pieces of musical theater score ever. i played an asylum escapee and my director told me she wanted me to spin around and looked crazed bc i was skinny enough to look like i really had a mental illness! so funny m*ry how did you know i was hospitalized for mental illness that year!

junior year: the addams family — wednesday addams. oh my god. the DAYS. we got ENTRANCE APPLAUSE for this show, which, if you don’t do theater, means that when you walked on stage people started clapping before you even did anything. a fire alarm went off during opening night so that was fun. i was nominated for an award that year!

senior year: thoroughly modern millie — muzzy vanhossmere. so relevant these days to whitewash a black woman’s part because we didn’t have a single POC in our cast!

after grad: beauty and the beast — ensemble. this was a community theater show and 90% of the cast was adults—if you’re reading country boy, i love you, or read the subway seance fic, you’ll enjoy the fact that jean is actually a woman from my cast who brought me lollipops and told my best friend jonah who was double casted as lumiere that he was better IN FRONT of the other lumiere (my r*pist ex boyfriend!). i played a napkin! soprano one power! made so many friends with old people! traumatic experience, rated 0/10, only highlight was doing it w my three best friends.

big RIP to the production of rogers and hammerstein’s cinderella jonah and i were gonna do this summer and get casted as cindy and topher—thanks, 2020!

[clownbeep]

This is gonna be kinda brutal. But I want to put it into writing

Big vent/whats been going on

Hah... I guess this is like my life story or some shit...

Trigger warning ahead.. Depression and a bit of gore/suicide talk so if you are sensitive to that please, for your own sake and mental state you might not want to continue.

For those who dont want to hear a pretty dark vent, I understand.

And those who are just scrolling by feel free to scroll past. I just personally want to get this out.

If you have dealt with emotional neglect/abuse and need to know it isnt in your head this might be the post.

By writing this it feels like hopefully someone else will read this and realise certain things are NOT healthy.

If you are questioning if you are being emotionally neglected/abused (im speaking in a parental sense but even romantically or sexually) im not someone to give you answers, but the fact you are questioning it raises some red flags. In a healthy relationship you dont wonder those things.

Sorry for the long prelude but heres what I wanted to say

.

.

.

.

.

.

Ever since I was young, ive had bad ADHD, manic bipolar/depression, and sensory issues.

I was diagnosed around 13 I believe. My family (I didnt realise it then) always showed pity. Like I was some wild animal that couldnt be tamed and there was nothing they could do. Id do and say stupid attention seeking things just to try and get a shred of empathy.

My family didnt care.

When I was in the hospital for a suicide attempt regaurding pills and my liver had a chance of failing.. None of my family members cried over me. But a family friend. Someone not. Even. Related. Wept over me.

My family didnt care.

I cant say they never cared. They give me food water and luxuries like internet and a phone. For that I am grateful.

But in many other ways they have hurt me faar more than helped.

Once I got out of a short term stay in an inpatient mental facility I desperately needed contact with anyone who would care for me.

I have a younger sister, quite young probably around 7 at the time. She was a close friend of mine for that time. Id hang out with her so often to fill the gap in love it felt my family didnt give. One day I walked into the dining room and overheard my mother and father talking to my little sister. They told her to keep away because I wasnt "stable" because I was "dangerous" and could give her bad Ideas. And with one single action my only friend at the time and way to find happiness was taken away.

My family did not care.

When I stay in bed every day for months on end not knowing which day ill snap and end it all.... I get called lazy.

My family did not care

When I beg for medication to make me a functional human being they brush me off for years on end. Im losing my grip. I can barely remember things that have happened last week because I try so hard to forget everything its my automatic response to everything.

When I cant get to sleep because all of the memories come flooding back and im hit by wave after wave of horrific memories and the feeling if worthlessness... When I cant watch any videos or read posts about families because it brings on unwanted memories and emotions....

Is it me being dramatic then?

When you hear your family openly mocking and laughing about how stupid and dramatic and fake trans people are... How weird and unnatural and mentally insane these people are not knowing they are the very reason grsm and trans suicides are so high...

Am I a liar now? Am I insane?

When I tried to talk to them about my mental health issues. They took my only way of contact and made me feel like it was my own fault.

My family didnt care.

When I was nearly passed out shaking in a bathtub covered in wounds and blood all over... They showed pity, then lectured me for an hour for not telling them or for being impulsive and basically cleaned my wounds and sent me into my room.

My family didnt care.

Yes. I do agree, they cleaned my wounds, the physical side of showing care. However emotionally they were not there.

When my father drinks so heavilly every day he is home from work that he forgets half the things he tells you and can barely function.. They lecture my older sister for having a glass of wine (legal age)

They did not care.

My sister (23) tried for so many years to cling to what little attention she would get by getting good grades and going to college... She realised that it changed nothing about how my family felt toward her.... She snapped.

My family did not care.

She starves herself for a disease she does not have, she uses religion as an exuse to be one of the biggest christian extremists I personally know. Half the days she doesnt eat... Other days she burns book and gets rid of items for being demonic.

My lovely sister used to be kind and quite normal. However she couldnt find comfort in what little live her family gave. Starved for care she turned to religion to un unhealthy degree. Finding any way to keep her mind busy. Now I worry she will end up in the hospital for weighing so little.

My family did not care.

My oldest sister (27) Is married to a continuously cheating husband who she keeps letting back into her life. She was raised with a failing marrige and doesnt seem to see when she should call it quits.

Not to mention her husband has touched someone legally under the age of concent. Did she report him to the authorities? No.

All of these horrific things stemming from bad parenting. Unhealthy relationships and neglect.

Neglect emotionally can cause just as bad things as physical neglect. They are both horrifically dangerous in different ways.

These are the only big things I can remember... Basically age 15 and below are a complete blur to me and I cant remember much of it without thinking for a looong time. Even then I cant remember a lot of it... I feel like ive lost my whole damn childhood. And it hurts more than if they had just hit me or physically harmed me.

Im not underplaying physically harm. But in my personaly opinion I would rather my family have beaten me badly because at least then id have an easier way to prove to people how severe the abuse was. You can see bruises and confirm broken bones... But years of feeling completely useless and being shut off from most of the world other than the internet... It fucks you up in a way I dont think can be healed.

I dont know if I can ever love myself or... Remember things. Its terrifying to think Ill post this and a few weeks later probably not even rememner unless its brought up. Or meeting people and having conversations... And they are just... Gone.

Gone.

I suppose the biggest reason im writing this is well... In the future I dont want to forget in some ways.. I want like to be 100× as awesome knowing itll start as soon as im out of here..

If I dont have anything to compare it too then what is the point?

Ive layed out basically most of what I remember

A large amount of time I look around and nothing registers... Everything is familiar but I cant remember anything for a moment or two.. I feel like my memory is slipping so fast and im terrified.. I cant do anything to stop it and I cant make my mood be stable without the medication my family cant be bothered to get ...

I suppose this is a bit of a vent. I know its kind of everywhere and unorganized..

If im honest.. Tumblr is the only place where people have given me a home I wish I had..

I came out as trans here... Everyone was so damn supportive.. I didnt say anything but I cried hard and the kindness.. It was amazing.. It was such a jarring difference to how I feel when I say anything in real life.

Ive met friends here and ive had some much fun here. If youve stuck around this far thank you so much.. If you didnt I dont blame you.

I just wanted to share what has been flashing in my head these past few days.. It hurts a lot and ive even considered suicide recently..

Im trying hard. As hard as I can.. I have no escape though.

I cannot leave home. I cannot escape. Im not being dramatic.

I

CANT

LEAVE

And its terrifying because I know without medication or at least being somewhere AWAY from family.... I feel like im going to break soon.

I dont want to do anything stupid.. But some days I cant think straight and do things that harm myself and its not good. Its not okay. Im aware that I need help but I have no idea where to go/turn.. I have no ID or drivers liscence.. I have no transportation to and from a job to get money so I can leave... I live in the middle of nowhere.... I just..

I dont want to lose touch. I dont want to do anything bad.. I want to be functional.. I want to do more than eat and sleep my life away because I have nothing else to do..

Im so damn sick and tired of this all.. And at times I really do feel like there is only one way out.

Its always there and I just feel like one of these days im gonna be pushed over the edge and not be thinking clearly enough to stop it.

Im thinking semi clearly right now which is my im posting this.. Because im afraid and alone.

I have nowhere to go irl I have no friends Irl i just have tumblr and media and thats it. I dont expect anyone to be able to help I just wanted to write this so anyone knows what happens if I leave media..

If I tell my family my issues they will blow me off again for the 11th time or so (not exaggerated)

And if I do something to get sent to the hospital and get the help I need the cycle will continue with them being pissed and me getting sent home in a month or less anly for my family relationships to get worse..

Im spiraling fuether and further and I cant keep up the facade of being fine. I need help. And i have no way to get it. Ive just been suffering for years...

Sitting around and doing nothing but using your phone or drawing or whatever sound fun in theory... But if thats all youve been able to do for years with little to no real life social contact its gonna mess with your head... I dont want to be a shut in... I just

I dont know what to do.

Im sorry for rambling. I will most likely delete this later feeling embarrassed I posted this...

Im just tired..

[whimsically-ominously-auspice]

Apparently my mom became a sort of boss..

Like one day she said Abu was escaping so she said for them to capture him then take him where he wanted to go.

For me, that's some bull shit to stay kidnapped and cry and complain she wouldn't be safe here.

That alone is all you're too much hassle to deal with during Christmas and Hanukkah. You didn't care about 31 of mine, you can stay in the hospital. Instead of us catering around you and your care and trying to enjoy our holidays, minus you and our life is better just as she said during nearly 33 years.

Because every dam day it's gonna be checking on mom and making sure things are okay and dealing with her bullying if she desieres to be one.

I was willing to do it so my dad could see her and us during the holidays and she didnt feel abandoned.

But she can have that feeling.

Of course my other siblings can vote, we set up different possibilities but im not baby sitting her like we were going. Another holiday but not 2 weeks of it.

......

My best friend was trained by my mom in the kitchen. One day she overslept so Abu sent for her father to protect her. And he became an in between from another farm to his daughter's. Neither one were sure who they were with but they felt better. Like how I always felt with her or our friend. Just better. No real reason why. Just better. Stronger and mentally clean. Like happiness isn't a sin.

.....

Our other friend was just a common slave, hidden under the ranks. But he had a guitar and things like that that many others didnt have. He was told to say he stole it. But he found it under a tree around Easter. A gift from God or the Easter Bunny. So he was treated with respect and protected more than other common slaves. Although he himself would protect any one there. As he went to save our friend. But was unable.

He gave lessons and found books of music sheets to learn new songs, here and there, usually tucked in his sheets when it was noticed he was failing at happiness.

While it may seem like only he got gifts... Anyone whom could hear recieved the gift of music and the more he taught others, the more guitars that would appear.

And one day a piano appeared. A small organ piano.

So he was the rockstar in the Queens eyes. Because i knew the Queen would protect him.

....

For our friend in the kitchen unique spices and recipies would appear hidden in the cabinet or sitting on the stove, again starting around Easter. Hers was before and the magic of music after. This granted her a better bed from the Queen and better shoes on Christmas, the kind nurses wear for all the farms kitchen workers, again from the Queen as Abu requested.

As my mother complained she quit cooking because her feet hurt. But refused to do anything about it, including asking the Queen, So i told Abu, i want to beat her face in so bad. And Abu said i have a better idea. Lets prove to the Queen they deserve them, in only the way the Queen will understand.

And so i prayed.

And i knew we won so i growled at my mother. And it scared her. But i did not attack her like a wild animal should, although I wanted to.

....

Abu found people all over that he felt a kindred spirit with so he did all kinds of things for them.

Of course new recipes and new spices induced a fresh day for my friend and fresh taste for all the victims that ate from her kitchen and as Abu saw it working, all the kitchens on all the farms.

....

It came from God, it is true. It did.

But as others have said that i have done a miracle this past week... I say it could not happened without help from other humans.

I choose not to be As critical of myself or Obama (as much as usual) for it being so long they have been kidnapped before I could help them, and since God blessed his human traffic victims with gifts that protected them as provided from Abu and his workers that would slip in the gifts and surprises. It makes it easier to not be so critical of him and myself.

....

The reason I write is because of another dear friend i saw as a father. We call him Hondo.

Because Ms Hindi says he thinks like her.

And Ms Hindi said God says no Christmas for mom. As her punishment as he can review his list.

But Hondo was kidnapped with the promise of surfing down South and he wanted to teach his son.

But instead he became a human traffic victim.

He thought his son had died over a decade and half ago. So he could not return home. He thought he didn't deserve it.

So he told himself it was better to stay with Abu and make sure Abu stays good. And doesnt end up like my mom. So one day, he kept his fingers crossed, that he could promise me i would be safe with Abu. And he could teach me the truth and the difference between him and her.

Then maybe, maybe, God would tell him or he would feel or finally believe he could go home and his wife would not hate him

But at least maybe he could get into Heaven to see her Then because he helped someone that he saw and took care of and loved as he did his own kid.

He uses Matt to send money home on the holidays. And he uses his money from work to hire security and protection for his wife and daughter at home. Matt bought them a new house -- But Matt hes a dork. Was too afraid to So he pretended he bought the trailer they were in and hooked it up and tried to move it. So he apologized with 1 million dollars.

Boys are dumbasses. But it worked!!!

....

So you see that all kinds of people i know but each one are absolutely different.

While Hondo is afraid and ashamed.

My mother is manipulative and egotistical.

One friend has no father But another has had hers nearby and has built a relationship with him. (Our male friend went to pack, not wanting to leave, not knowing who is really behind the move - knowing the bull shit his father is capable of although dead -- they're all the same; while shes with her dad and they had packed the first minute she had)

....

Crates with packing material have been flown in about 2 hours ago and the DNA test kits arrived and some people have been tested.

Like my mother was tested and then compared with my DNA test i had already taken at 23andme.

Some of us were hoping she was buried down in the common slave department. Unfortunately we all know our parents even when we don't want them.

....

My best friend's mom as we were taught is her mom is still alive as is her younger sister and shes got nieces and nephews. But her family is like mine and got mixed with non familial relatives and family. So the DNA tests will come in handy.

Our friend still has his brother and the mom he had has died but the father he was left to is still alive. And hes a good guy, he always said his mom was only good at cooking and he was supposed to ignore her otherwise. So he has his own family to return to, although its a mix of blood and love. His was based on honesty although his father is a horrible criminal, he was raised with as much information as possible. DNA tests will be helpful also, though but not as, we feel, dammed important. Not Because his father is a criminal, we just feel there's honesty.

Hes the same as Declan and so there's no bad to fall upon him, he wasn't asked to be born to him. Or to be born at all.

And so no one really that i know of is to be treated bad at all.

My mom although we aren't giving her what we want for 99.9% of the victims, shes not being punished as far as real punishment goes. We are electing her to get real instead of having fun. So being in a mental hospital or physical hospital instead of being at a house with guards and family time. It happens all the time everywhere. Regardless if you're a human trafficker or new born with cancer or a teenager that no one listens to.

....

So i do hope that everyone understand that the majority over 99.9% didn't want to be kidnapped to be kidnapped and human trafficked.

And a lot of the adults feel guilty and ashamed.

Weak and dumb and a whole list of things that should give them reasons to be hated by their own family.

Like Hondo.

.

So many people think if i do this one thing and it's good to God then i can move on.

So those that have been here 10 years. Not all feel that way but im sure that quite a large handful do.

And those in Iraq will have that mental disturbance.

....

So for y'all at home waiting for your loved ones. Remind them to be safe. Like no hitchhikers and no hitchhiking.

But also remind them that its okay. Its okay they are home.

Our neighbor Hondo was in the Military and took a ride with Jeremiah. We trusted him to a small degree as he was always in the neighborhood and had a charm like a sleezy car salesman.

Which is why they are going to be gifted cars, so they don't take rides with someone they shouldn't trust but do.

And we admit there will be a huge amount of mental issues, thoughts, that will be difficult to deal with for the victims and for the families to give correct advice.

Guidelines of Safety and Emergency Situations will be provided to both the family and the victims.

Like a mental break down is possible. A panic attack is possible.

For both sides.

Step One is to realize the situation. 1. The kidnapped has been released and is free. Breathe. 2. Both the family and victim are loved. Breathe.

Usually there's just a simple "what color shirt do i want to buy?" Can set off a whole fucked up system in the minds. It can happen to a "normal" person. Don't think im not speaking from experience!!

Step Two: step away. Drop the topic. Stop what you are doing. Let someone else handle it. Or try again after sleep. Not because there is something wrong with you but because you're not taking care of you. Youre probably over stimulated. Again personal experience. So don't feel like trash.

Step three: pray. Just ask. Insert the word "God and help and me and what you are trying to do."

Repeat.

There's more examples in the lists that will be sent. But this is the short version. And they will cover emergency situations which is just about the same but the why is explained in details.

And the above works for any one And everyone.

[bandomgay]

My brain to yours pt.1 b.u

Tw: blood,gore,self harm,violence,hallucinations,slight mention of an ed

Au: hey babes this is gonna be my 5th time trying to post this and i want death so bad...however if there is any confusing things or typos or things seem to quickly paced im sorry thats just my brain babey! Enjoy...i guess

Word count: 1,894

It all started when he was about 6 years old, he never spoke ever,not that he couldn't he just wouldn't, his parents were worried about his development,however nothing was ‘wrong', he had a quite developed thinking process for a child, but it wasn't a good one for his age nor was it a normal one,no child should be so terrified of talking to people and being thought lesser of as his voice shook violently while trying to say the easiest of sentences.

he understood people to early into his young life ,he got the memo that everything was too stupid and too hard to understand so he gave up . his mother took him back and forth to hospitals and child psychologists ,his mother scared for what was to come of him could this weirdness she didn't even have a name or diagnosis for develop into something more as he grew? She thought, would he be normal? Would he be like the other children who laughed and giggled at the littlest of things? Would he be happy like them? She had decided to push her concerns into the back of head deciding that maybe he was just awkward it's okay to not fit in hes a fucking 6 year old boy maybe it's not that deep.

he was now in the 3rd grade now and teachers became more and more loud and responsive with their problems, he thought maybe whatever bad stuff they had going on at home they just needed to vent threw aggressiveness and shaking hands and restless mornings,but however it was their screams he didn't care for, he looked them in the eye wondering what he had done wrong, however he didn't care enough to continually think about it, but he realized slowly that couldn't feel anything like the red faced teacher did, he’d envy the poor mannered teachers feelings if he could, just how they could get so angry and fed up with kids who were disgusting and vile and how he never felt that…... he never felt anything at all .Now he was in the 5th grade he had to repeat the 4th grade due to staggeringly low grades and his failed attempts at homework he never seemed to have remembered. Things were getting hard to remember, so hard to remember what the teacher had said in the classroom that seemed to fade away after he was picked up by his mom and the sheer silence of the drive home and his mothers sneaking looks into the mirror with furrowed eyebrows at her son who never told her how his day went.

In school it was just so easy just to drift off in the land of dark swirls and dark worlds filled with make believe that he couldn't separate from the real world that never seemed to go away and darkness he felt comfort in his head till he heard nothing but the disgusting laugh of a teacher who had looked as if she wanted to deck him in the face ( he imagined about 3 different scenarios of how that actually could have occured, he held back a giggle and a sly smirk) as she snapped her wrinkled hands in his face “earth to brendon” he heard the aged feminine voice laced with anger repeat twice but he had failed to tune into the first reminder he was too dissociated to notice, he came too but didn't understand her reasonings of not just leaving him alone and let him rot and break free and he soon heard the fits of laughter coming from children he knew he was too weak to stop.

he wanted to do terrible things to everyone in that very room including himself, a dark desire he couldn't contain from his mind but he never followed through with these type of thoughts. he could never seemed control them he thought of them like messages being sent from an unknown source in the back of his head that had an invisible connection to someone he could see but nobody else could he dared himself if he could just pull at the cord in his head he wouldn't have those those thoughts, the figure never showed up in the same form it could be the shadows of dirty rain water coming from outside showing like a projection on the dingy beat up wall rising above him to claim a mental dominance , or the rotten stain of mold on the bathroom floor that now seemed to have a charming glow yet secretive smile or the bag of dirty clothes that sat high up on its rounded edges now smiled at him and watched him threw the night .

now it was the 7th grade and things had went to shit,it was already shit but it had gotten no better, fits of depression had left him wanting to call a hitman on himself and letting himself be cut open so all the organs in his body to be shot out of him or rip his jaw and everything behind it out of his body but he was too fatigued to think about it anymore his brain seemed to have stopped working back in the 6th grade, he could never think clearly a heavy fog on his brain he could never do much for himself he found the most simple of things he couldn't do, he couldn't pay attention, he felt dizzy at random times becoming feverish and not thinking about why because he couldn't think he thought process lessen and lessened with every passing day until all there were was thoughts of gore and death,sadness and the never ending thought of killing anyone or anything that had managed to make him want death even more.

he just continued to fade in and out of reality staring into the wall for to long or unknowingly staring at the couple of people who he thought was calling him pathetic and worthless with the contradictory voice telling him he's so much better than the disgusting people he saw and that they didn't deserve to smile they don't deserve happiness even though they’d never even spoken a word to him, they were never mean to him. he started pinching,stabbing,pulling at his hair,clawing at himself hard trying to see if he could care that he'd just hurt himself he continued to hurt himself hoping somewhere in the back of his mind he start to feel things, to show him he's real everyone sees him, but his inner self knew what he was doing he wasn't just trying to see if he was a real person he was punishing himself because he couldn't do what the rest of the real kids could do he couldnt plop himeself in a hard metal chair and take a test without thinking about what a disgusting person he was, without hearing them say he wasn't shit that his brain is mush that he couldn't understand the easy directions how he could get so angry and mad without hesitation how he could imagine killing his parents im cold blood… he stomped on his own foot,why is he thinking about this why is he thinking about this why, they creeped back up on him showing him images of his brother and sisters dead and gutted his parents choking on blood and vomit pale and dying, he hated himself for thinking these things,but if it was possible for him to be completely honest with himself he didn't care if they had died or not he just didn't have the ability to care.

He couldn't look people in the face without seeing these images of grewling faces pushed together in piles of pink and red flesh crawling into each others organs which looked rotten and distorted, why was he seeing this things these disgusting things these things… he wouldn't admit to himself that everytime he looked in the mirror he tried not to vomit he tried to hard, he bashed in the mirror bloodlying his hand, his hiss echoing in the empty bathroom he couldn't go to the nurse he couldn't look her in the eye and see her like that, besides he was on the first floor and he was too weak to go all the way to the fourth floor he knew he would pass out, he felt something pooling in his stomach it was anxiety he felt the cramping in his stomach and the salivating in his dry mouth, he vomited into the sink, he hasn't eaten anything in about 3 weeks so the pain of dry heaving for almost half in hour into the sink made him dizzy and ultimately pass out. he had now awoken to bright lights that made him nauseous and whimper, he was in the hospital again. he tried so hard not look the nurses and doctors in the eye and seeing horrific images in his mind of them dead, rotten maggot filled and bloody be he regained his ability to see the normally after a while.

“Brendon honey…” his mommy's voice was there “mommy...hi mommy” he said in a broken whisper. She had realized he never calls her mommy unless something's wrong he wasn't aware that he was, he turned to the right finding an iv carefully placed into in scarily pale arm “honey...they found you in the bathroom your hand was cut up...you where passed out what...t?” she silenced herself for a moment seconds later starting up again. “They found you in the bathroom..the mirror was broken and your hand was cut pretty deep and passed out” he mouth trembled a bit, she moved his sweaty bangs out of his forehead, he felt wetness on his skin his own uniform shirt clinging to his skin he was sweating.

He didn't feel real he didn't respond properly to what she had said he only looked away.. And said “dizzy….everything hurts…” he was so surprised he felt something but if feeling was like this he didn't want it. “I d..don't wanna feel like this..can you make it stop mommy please?!” Nani was absolutely terrified she'd never been so scared for her little boy, “its gonna be okay,sweetie...i swear..to god i swear…” in this moment if she was honest she didn't believe there was a god, no god would do this to her son, she turned around after hearing the door and hard footsteps.

“Hello ms. Urie im dr. Yakima, i will be assisting and diagnosing your son” she nodded softly wanting her son to be okay. “Hey son,open your eyes for me,i'm here to help” brendon heard a much more distorted version of what the doctor had said than nani did, but then again he was fading in and out. He handed her pills and said firmly “these are anti-nausea and pain killers i'm gonna give these to him and he will feel much much better i promise..” He was right it with his cocked up eyebrow and charming smile that sparkled with calmness and reassurance that worked its way into nani. the medication  worked but not instantly. “Sit up honey..” She said softly, he followed what she said slowly with a wrecked groan and intense muscle pain however there was no rush.

[studiobeebo]

hi bee! i loved the soulmate AUs you did so much so im gonna request another one haha would you be willing to write a soulmate AU where you are able to communicate with your SO through your thoughts? Bakugous soulmate went missing after being captured by the League of villians, and after a while of her being presumably dead, he hears her voice in his head, asking for help and wanting him to meet her. angst or fluff u decide!

ahh i’m still not super used to writing soulmate AU’s, so hope this is alright for you anon!

Katsuki Bakugou

When you first ‘met’ Bakugou, it was actually at a pretty awkward time. You couldn’t tell if he was screaming or what at first, all you heard was a sudden blast of loud, incoherent noise.

After actually talking to him, you found out that it wasn’t him at all, it was just that his explosive quirk was so loud that it invaded his thoughts, so what you were hearing was an actual explosion.

At first, your mental connection was absolutely terrible. Katsuki was Katsuki, and the idea of someone invading space that was definitely personal pissed him the fuck off, and you bet your ass he took that anger out on you with rude comments or snarky insults. You’d always try to throw them back, but a lot of times you got so frustrated with him that you’d just try your best to ignore him and shut him out.

On top of dealing with Katsuki’s attitude, neither of you could control when you two connected at first. He’d just randomly hear your thoughts and you’d randomly hear his, so it felt super invasive.

Let’s just say the two of you ended up in each other’s heads at very..embarrassing times sometimes. (You were both teenagers at that ‘discovery age’ so, well, you probably get the gist of some of the things you’d both catch the other doing on accident)

It took a few months, but the two of you eventually got used to one another’s presence and you were able to better control when you were in each other’s heads. Plus, you both knew that this connection meant you were soulmates, and screaming at each other in your heads until you finally met would definitely not be fun, so you made a sort of truce in a way.

After a good year of being ‘together’, the two of you had gotten close enough to actually seek eachother out in your minds rather than treating your connection as some sort of annoyance. The two of you told each other things you never spoke of with others; insecurities, doubts, things like that.

You noticed that the only time you ever accidentally connected with him anymore was when your thoughts drifted to thinking about him.

Unbeknownst to you, it was the same for him, so every time he caught himself thinking about you and accidentally popped up into your head, he’d have to come up with some lame excuse as to why he was contacting you.

When he stopped hearing from you, even when he had reached out to you rather than waiting for you to contact him, he could honestly say he was scared because he thought he had seriously fucked up. This was because you stopped responding to him after he had mentioned ‘just wanting to fucking meet you already’ during one of his more vulnerable late nights when his emotions were more out in the open. He thought that somehow he managed to scare his own fucking soulmate off and he felt like a complete idiot.

His mood became very sour, even more so than usual, and his friends even became concerned for him. He’d only ever mentioned you to Kirishima, but he had never said enough about you for him or any of Bakugou’s friends to make the connection. He was so preoccupied with being pissed at himself that he hardly payed attention to the news, so hearing about some missing high school student from a few miles away wasn’t all that big of a deal to him.

A few weeks past, and he had forgotten about you a bit. Well, at least that’s what he had to convince himself he had done just so he could focus on training, but in reality he still spent every night lying in bed thinking about you. When he finally heard your voice, just barely a whisper in his mind, on one of those nights, he honestly thought he was dreaming, though he still immediately sprung out of bed and called out your name. When you repeated his name, this time louder and in a more panicked tone, he jumped out of bed and immediately started asking you where the fuck you and been and what was going on.

It wasn’t often he got so passionately upset over something but he..He couldn’t explain it, but having you gone was making his chest hurt in some weird way he’d yet to experience. Though when you explained what happened and where you had been, his heart nearly stopped.

Honestly, his blood was boiling before you even finished your first sentence, but he got the gist of what you were saying.

Even you didn’t know what had happened at first. One minute you were out walking to the corner store for something to eat late at night, and the next you were waking up tied to a chair with a terrible headache. From what you heard, you had been mistaken for a UA student and had been taken by this ‘league of villains’ you’d heard about on the news and had even talked to Katsuki about. You didn’t know if they knew about your mental connection, or if they were just being cautious just in case you happen to have a telepathy quirk, but they had somehow managed to block you off from him while they spent almost a month deciding what the hell to do with you. It was when their leader and whoever was blocking you from Katsuki stepped out that you were able to get out of the binds that you had been working on tearing up since you got there.

Once you were out of what weirdly looked like a bar, you just barely made it down the street before nearly passing out and having to stop. They had been feeding you the bare minimum to keep you alive so there was no way you could, one, figure out where the fuck you are and , two, make it home or to the police from there. Especially without any money or your phone, not to mention your mental state wasn’t all that great from the near starvation. So, you reached out to the only person you could reach out to.

At first his exasperated shouts bombarding your head made you clench your temples in pain until you got the chance to slightly calm him down enough to tell him what was happening and that you needed him to call the police or something . You could have sworn you heard his voice shaking, though maybe that was in anger as you could hear him cursing while he dialed the police.

It took awhile for him to get help since he didn’t have an address, only what you had described the area as looking like. When they had a solid guess, they sent a car to pick him up, but only because he screamed over the phone repeating multiple times that he had to go with. Normally the police wouldn’t let a teen get involved with something like this, but he ‘promised’ to stay in the car. That absolutely didn’t happen.

The second the car he was in pulled up just in time to see the EMT’s wrapping a blanket around your shoulders while someone checked your vitals, he was out in seconds and closing the gap between the two of you despite all the yelling protests he heard.

He’d been wanting to finally meet you, and even if he was first meeting you in a normal situation, he didn’t think he would have reacted any differently because he had no idea what to do or say. Much like him, despite the protests, you wobbled to your feet and wrapped your arms tightly around him, not having to hear his voice to know who he was. You’d been trying to be strong this whole time, but for some reason, now that you were safe you couldn’t stop the hot tears that were suddenly rolling down your cheeks as you buried your face into his shoulder as he stood there shocked.

After a moment, he awkwardly wrapped his arms around you and rested his chin on your head before mumbling out an apology. He didn’t know what he was apologizing for, maybe for not being able to protect you from the start or maybe because he didn’t even know what was going on for so long, but he just felt like he needed to.

Bakugou wasn’t expecting to hear a laugh from you, especially since you were still crying, but you couldn’t help it after hearing him apologize. He had nothing to do with it, plus the whole time you were gone, you were still able to hear his thoughts here or there when he was worrying about you, and even though you couldn’t reach out to him, he was part of the reason you kept your hopes high.

Eventually, he did have to let you go, but he did so very begrudgingly and he argued with the EMT about going with you to the hospital for a solid ten minutes, but she insisted that only immediate family would be allowed to be with you in the hospital once you got there. He probably would have continued arguing, but you took his hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze and told him a hundred times that you would be fine, so he finally agreed to let you go.

Of course, right as he was leaving to get back into the squad car to be taken home, he heard the EMT make a comment under her breath to you, saying “Your boyfriend’s a firecracker, huh?”, and he flipped his shit all over again, yelling and actually stumbling over his words about how you weren’t dating and blah blah blah, but because of how red his face had gotten, the EMT just rolled her eyes and shooed him off for good, assuring him that ‘he’d be able to visit his girlfriend tomorrow’ right before shutting the ambulance doors. He obviously would have rather gone with, but as long as you were safe and sound, he could honestly say that he was happy.