emakenz

[emakenz]

sorry for being dead ive been dead. lol. gonna continue bein dead until smthn draws me back here but ill be checkin in obv

ummm anyway

[emakenz]

just like.....the bizarre vitriolic hatred i see on here for autistic ppl who like "childish" things made for little kids is so frustrating and heartbreaking to me. allistics already hate us and infantilize us, so they see an autistic person who happen to like something "childish" and mock us for it.

but what really breaks my heart is seeing OTHER autistic ppl who think of themselves as being "better" than those who like "childish" things and make fun of them bc theyve been taught to hate by an ableist society. doesnt it get exhausting. doesnt it hurt inside to be full of the lies and hatred neurotypicals taught you. doesnt it hurt to take out that hatred on your fellow autistic ppl, to mock them for something that allistics already mock them for. why. why do you do this. who did this to you.

[emakenz]

Boass can I go hoame I lack the human spirit

[emakenz]

This still blows my mind

[emakenz]

I've never been to a beach before and I'd rather break a bone than to get close to one. But I do enjoy me some mer!AU

[emakenz]

This expresses my feelings precisely.

[emakenz]

Common tree shrew

[emakenz]

Okay, since Pride is fast approaching, and all the Hot Takes about who should and shouldn't be allowed at Pride, and "family friendliness", and whatever have started. And we're in a time of unprecedented legal attempts to imprison, persecute, and kill us, I'm going to expand on my comments on a different post:

A whole lot of people willfully misinterpreting "kink at pride" as some kind of live sex show on a float, and not people in leather and masks and pasties and thigh-highs and walking just a step behind their partner.

Whole lot of people completely ignoring the place that the leather community, and kinksters have in the early days of the gay liberation movement. And we would be literally nowhere without trans people taking up the fight for all of us. Nowhere.

Whole lot of people putting their hands over their eyes and covering their ears to avoid having to see the mile high writing on the wall that says "you're next".

Respectability politics has never gotten us anywhere where we're safe. Anything other than a united front is going to get us all jailed and murdered with the state stamp of approval. So regardless of how you feel about how "normal" puppy play, or leather daddies are, guess what, they're part of your community, so bite your tongue and fucking kumbaya, because as far as other people are concerned you are no different than they are.

Shut the fuck up about "normal", because as far as the people making the laws are concerned, we're all an aberration and they want us all out of the fucking parade. Sit down and read some history; this isn't new, this isn't their first time making us illegal. Right now, they're targeting drag queens and transgender folks, and they are doing their best to turn their existence into criminal acts, so that they can be put to death. That's happening, right now, everywhere. And again, you, in your cute little subtle rainbow T-shirt and khakis? You're the same as those "dangerous queers" that are being legislated against. You're giving next on the list.

Stop helping them sign our warrants because you're uncomfortable with some fucking leather straps; the cops will be happy to round you up, too, in your business casual queer attire, when they're done with the kinksters and the drag queens and our trans siblings. And then, we'll be without some of our loudest and most passionate voices in the fight, because you didn't like their god-damned outfits, or their fucking pronouns, and you let them be taken away for the sake of "normal".

Shut the fuck up.

[emakenz]

Me, watching my mutuals speak other languages, not understanding a single word: fucking superb you funky little bilinguals

[emakenz]

[emakenz]

presenting the shitty kinlist generator

only 100 characters rn but i plan to add more. they range from average kinblr shit to extreme red flag. generate some kins for yourself and put them in the tags or whatever. have fun

[emakenz]

I need to write this down, because I keep forgetting, and then struggle to empathize properly with this issue.

When you're a kid who's being groomed, brainwashed or exploited by someone, you don't feel it as a manipulation or harm; instead it feels like a fair exchange. You feel as if you've found a person, who is offering you some sort of security, empathy, companionship, understanding, safety, protection, even love. It makes you feel special, like you're a part of something important, or even something sacred, irreplaceable, something you will never get a chance to be a part of again. It feels safe, it feels like something you never want to lose, or even something you couldn't go on without. If you're of such bad luck that your groomer was the only person you could rely on for attention or love, then for you they were the only person who kept you from being completely neglected and alone. Children would give almost anything to not be neglected and alone.

And in return, you just have to give them something they need from you, and it doesn't feel like you're losing something important to them, it feels like this is normal, like you're lucky they actually need you back. You'd give them anything, as long as they stay with you, keep giving you purpose and importance and positive self-perception. You don't know what you're giving, you don't understand that you're losing something, or getting hurt or traumatized. You feel like you know what you're doing and you chose this, you need this. Like you need them.

A lot of grooming situations end with the abuser abandoning, or emotionally discarding the child, and this doesn't feel like relief that the exploitation is over, more often than not, it feels absolutely devastating, it fees like you're losing something important, something you depended upon or held onto for dear life. Being discarded after doing so much to try and keep this person wanting you, is crushing and heartbreaking. And then it can take years to re-contextualize the situation and to realize that it wasn't love, that it wasn't a positive bond, or something special, or something fair, that you were in fact, hurt so badly you now have trauma symptoms and see the world in a twisted, self-deprecating way because of what they did to you. That's another layer of unbearable pain, to understand that a person who you believed loved you, maybe even the only person to ever love you, did not in fact care for you at all. That they used you in the worst possible way and then got rid of you like you were nothing. A person who loves you wouldn't do that. They would never do that to you.

It's almost too painful to face this, and preferable to keep believing that it was love, but the person didn't know what they were doing or how it would affect you or was in some sort of dark past situation themselves so they couldn't' do better, so you could live with it somehow. Because to acknowledge that you were a defenseless child and that your vulnerability of inexperience and lack of protection was exploited in the worst possible way, by someone you loved so dearly you'd do anything for them, that is unbearable.

Grieving for what you had with the abuser, how it made you feel, missing them, needing more of what you got from them, wanting their attention, understanding, acknowledgment, apology, wanting to see that they can change and love you - that is normal after an event of abuse and grooming. That is normal for someone who didn't receive normal types of love that they didn't have to earn or deserve or give something in return for. That is not something to be ashamed for - you did not create this situation, and it's not your fault a predator found you and did this to you. You're allowed to grieve what you felt was love. You're allowed to grieve even the illusion you thought was true and built your life upon, it's a real loss, and a big loss.

The anger and the hatred might take a long time to come, or even never, because it's difficult to change how you felt towards someone your whole entire life, to such extreme level. It makes you feel like you were wrong, like you were cheated and tricked, and that's humiliating, unjust and makes you feel helpless, and that's the last thing you want to feel about your life. It's normal to just be sad and confused for a long time, and to take your time figuring out what actually happened, what part of it was intentional, how could a person do that to you and why would they. It's normal to want to cling to every last bit of hope before acknowledging that what happened was traumatic, undeserved and lead by the intentions of cruelty and personal gain. Your little heart did not deserve that, and it doesn't deserve it now. You deserve to take your time processing it.

[emakenz]

[emakenz]

[emakenz]

the way it's sitting in my inbox makes it funnier

[emakenz]

smoking the shit that made that house leave