#goodness im so tired. i dont care if i have to drink meds i have to have a drink or im gonna be mad the entire evening.

[catcze]

Dont you just. Love. When people tell you “oh I’ll be done at this time can you pick me up then?” And then. And then. They keep you waiting in the parking lot for a whole hour and dont respond to your text. And when they show up they dont even apologize 😀 like. Ha ha. Okay. I totally didnt have plans that i also had to do. I’m totally not exhausted from work. Dont worry. What the fuck.

[heyitslapis]

thank the fucking Divine 😭😭😭🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏

[themothstoy]

i just need to... word vomit for a minute.

ive been so tired lately. im so drained all the time. ive been drinking monster again even though its not good for me and gives me nosebleeds. i havent been sleeping well. but i am being forced into the position as a caregiver for everyone i live with. i live with my grandparents and my disabled aunt. but i am also disabled and mentally ill, i am just comparatively the most abled person in the house. so i have been thrust without my choice into doing the grocery shopping, picking up prescriptions, helping with any chores or projects my grandpa has, babysitting my grandma. and im not mad about, my family cant help the factors that have lead to this. and my grandparents have said before they want me to have a life of my own and move out and do my own thing. but while im here im treated like a caregiver for all three of them. and maybe it wouldnt be so bad if i just needed to take care of one of them. but its all of them, they all need something all the time and are losing the ability to do things more and more so im having to take on more and more responsbility for the household. im only 22. i just graduated college. i dont even have a nice job yet. and i struggle a lot with taking care of myself. eating, showering, cleaning, seeing doctors, taking some of my meds. and i often end up only having the energy to help my grandparents and aunt and then have no energy to do anything for myself. and i plan on moving out but its scary. im worried about what my family is going to do without me. idk what the point of this was really aside from just needing to word vomit. todays been a hard day and its been a bad week so im just in general feeling pretty shitty. i love my family, but there are more abled people in our family that should be helping. and my grandpa could be doing more to prepare them for when i leave. and he could also be helping more himself because his mind is decently functioning but whatever. i just feel like my family is slowly becoming more and more dependent on me when im planning on leaving and i cant even take care of myself.

[toxooz]

bro i feel so bad for you having to work so soon after getting your wisdom teeth out :( i hope you don't have to talk to many people at your job otherwise you'll probably be fuckin McDead by the end of your shift

may your recovery be swift and completely uncomplicated and may we all witness the total death of capitalism sometime this year <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

THANK YOU honestly feel like week old road kill lmfao but luckily i dont gotta worry abt work today bc we finished the job yesterday otherwise i would've had to work today too which would've SUCKED but its mainly heavy lifting and trying to yell over i n d u s t r i a l n o i s e s is the issue but thank god its over now cause i got the next 3 days off bc of holiday😭 had a headache that felt like baboons mercilessly beating my head in my sleep for 2 days from having to push myself while having little to eat bc my appetites' been shot (i think bc of the meds tbh??) ive been trying to be on granny mode and eat a little here n there and sleep 👍 hell even just abt everyone in my life is already expecting me to go to all these stupid plans like picnics and parties and SWIMMING??? idk how many fukkin times I've had to tell them i can even eat anything 'real', i caint smoke or drink soda or do anything physically straining bc bitch im tired and weak and quite frankly not in the fukkin mood!!! but they're still just like 'oh yeah i forgot :( anyway so you wanna do this this n this??? :)'' and im justtttt

like literally all i want is to be left tf alone for like 2 weeks that's all i need!! and ppl are already on my ass after not even 2 days of getting that damn surgery unbelievable its just frustrating the level of 'i dont Actually care abt u or your health' vibes that im getting maybe im just a cranky bitch cause im hungri and looped up from pills but DAMN ppl Gotta leave me alone and let me simmer in my cave in peace it ain't that hard but ANYWAY today I'm stayin home and doin what i want (probably for the next 3 days honestly im pointing a shotgun at anyone who dares drag me outa my apt lmfao) and relaxing so todays a pretty good day lmfao BUT thank u for your concern!!!! I'm doin alright recovery wise everything seems to be healing decently aside from my dumbass gnashing my teeth in my sleep lmfao the swelling is going down and the pain is just a dull ache tbh so aside from the bitchin im doin good! 😂

[midnighteloquence]

um

i actually dont know where im going to with this rant im just gonna type my emotions til im bored (tw: small mention of sh, suicide, mentions of drugs, depression i think??, relationship talk at some point)

recently ive been more tired and more burned out and sad. i dont know why, maybe its my lack of sleep, maybe uts other factors, but ive just been really depressed. not to the point of cutting again, to the point where im just apathetic towards everything. also C at some point texted me checking up on me and telling me to sleep to “remove the sad”. i got confused and asked why, and they said they were scared of me killing myself. am i really that obvious?? they talked about how tired i looked, how sad i looked, the scars on my arms. they talk alot about how i wont open up or talk about what im going through. no matter how many times you critique me for not opening up im still not gonna fucking do it, sorry to break it to ya. why? because im fucking scared. im scared because what if you laugh? what if you dont even care? what if you say some shit like “real” or “me fr” like you always do? i dont want to open up to you or anyone because of those factors.

recently ive been feeling more and more suicidal. ive been rummaging through the pill cabinets in my house, ive been keeping blades in my school bag and around my room, ive searched up ways to kill myself. ive been more and more tempted to write a note, to save just in case i actually do it. i think the only things holding me back is the fear of after death and my family’s reaction. i dont want my mum to cry because i was stupid enough to kill myself. i dont want to leave my brother alone. i dont want them to have to clean out my room. im scared of something that isnt finite, which is why im so scared of death. if there is an afterlife, you have to stay there infinitely. if there isnt, its pitch black infintely. infinite scares me, commitment scares me. its why im not dead

most days i feel like sleeping or bedrotting til morning. other days i feel like trying to find meds in my house that can give me some sense of euphoria. i want to feel a sense of floating. but none of the things in my house provide that feeling.

i dont feel anything from caffeine. its not even that ive grown a tolerance to it, its just that ive had a high tolerance from the start. maybe its because of my dad, since he drinks alot of coffee. i cant feel energised from anything, it sucks. why cant i feel anything over than sheer exhaustion?

and im not even sure if i want all of it to end, because who am i if not ill? if im not ill i have nothing to prove to people, i wont be able to talk about my problems anymore because id be fine.

i feel like all of my friends are going to leave me. its just a huge, lingering feeling thats been there for years. my friends would be better off without me, im not a good person anyways. im not enough, im not pretty enough or smart enough or talented enough or funny enough, my personality is a bore, i dont talk about anything thats remotely interesting, im overall not good enough. they all know that, i know they all know that. they probably have a groupchat without me, to talk about what i said, and talk about leaving me. So why dont you? leave me, ill kill myself and make you regret leaving me while im suffering (this is over exaggerated sorry)

i like this guy but tbh i dont know what itd be like to date him yk? like i would love to date him, but imagining a romance is sort of, impossible i guess? plus idek if he likes me back or if hes just messing with me, and idk how to ask.

also C kept on talking about how id like to make out with him, which ew. not every person with romantic attraction wants to make out with people. some people want emotional intimacy, devotion, the ups and downs of relationships. sure, physical affection is a thing you can experience in a relationship, but its not the only thing. jesus, all relationships have been dumbed down to is sex and kissing and im sick of it. why cant i have a partner to have every aspect of a relationship? to explore our likes and dislikes, to talk about things we havent shared before, to be emotionally committed, to give and receive, to show sympathy, to love a person.

sorry ik i went from suicide to relationships but at this point im just ranting about things on my mind

ive just grown tired of everything, im so apathetic. every day is blurring together, everything goes by so quickly. im turning 14 this year, I thought i was still 10, playing roblox endlessly with my friends while the world spirals into chaos. but no, im a teenager who spends all her goddamn time on her phone talking about how much she wants to kill herself. im scared of growing up to quick, of growing up at all. what if im an even worse person in the future? what if i dont get accepted to that one uni? what if everyone’s disappointed in me? i dont want to grow up this fast. i remember 4 years ago talking to my dad about how much i wanted an account on youtube, and him saying that i had to be 13. i said that it’d take forever, and he said that time would fly really fast. he was right, i picked my gcse options a couple weeks ago, this academic year has flown by so fast. i dont like it

i fear that im not the person my parents want me to be. i listen to music 24/7, my grades arent as good as they could be, im moody and spend my time in my room. i barely take part in my hobbies anymore, im just a mess. im so disappointing.

i ran out of topics so ill end it there, good night everyone (one person)

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

tw neglect/abuse, abandonment, mom, drugs

im currently going through trauma right now and i was wondering if you had any advice. im just kind of tired of hearing from doctors and therapists and people who have no understanding of my situation.

uhm basically im 17 (just turned in january) and ive been off and on homeless and its wrecking my mental health. im back with my mom currently but the past month ive been moving around from place to place fighting with cfs and trying to find a place to live. im trying to be passive with my mom but with everything going on my mental health is just a wreck and i dont really feel comfortable talking to her. i don't know if this is enough info sorry, i dont feel like giving more details. i just dont know what exactly im gonna do and im tired of all the energy im putting into everything. i try to cope with drugs but i only really have access to nicotine and alcohol (which interacts badly with my meds)

i know im turning 18 in a year but im tired of hearing that. i know how things will be once im 18 and im just waiting for that, but i really just need to get through right now and im kinda struggling with the stress of it all. all i really want is just to hear something if there is anything to help me get through this.

thank you and i appreciate so much your time. regardless of what happens i hope you have a good day

Hey there,

Here are coping skills. Try grounding when you feel anxious, overwhelmed, or dissociated. Create a self care box.

Make sure you're taking care of your basics. Eat regularly and well, drink a few cups of water a day, exercise, and practice self care. Here, here, here, and here are guided sleep meditations. Here are some breathing exercises. Practice these even when you’re feeling regulated so it comes easier when you're not.

I just want you to know that you deserve a safe, comfortable place to live now, and I'm sorry things are so difficult.

This has been in our inbox for a few weeks, so we're opening it up for followers' input as well.

[satorou-s]

MEAT IS GOD | zombies au

“I’m so fucking tired of stale beef jerky.”

“WE STILL HAD THAT?!”

zombie apocalypse au

i have been dreaming about this for days, i may as well write it

warnings: might be shitty, don’t hate on me

this is gonna be pretty long, so buckle up and grab a drink

it’s the start of a new decade and the world is swept by a deadly virus that causes the dead to start walking

crazy shit man

a month into the apocalypse, daichi crosses paths with med student sugawara and architecture grad asahi, they decide to team up because a small group is better than being all alone in this world

a week later, they hear a loud ass “SHIT” coming from an alley and comes across nishinoya trying to fight off 3 of the undead all by himself ,,, the men [muscle emoji muscle emoji] decides to help - because sir suga said they should - and lo and behold, welcome noya to the group

noya tells them about the people he was staying with in an apartment complex, his childhood friend tanaka and his wife, shimizu [rio needs to add heart eyes here but she’s too lazy to] 

daichi decides OK YALL ,, LEZGO

now we have the group of: daichi, suga, asahi, noya, tanaka and shimizu

their ultimate goal is to get to the countryside where asahi’s family has a farm and hopefully, there wouldnt be as much zombies (or zombos as tanaka and noya calls them), and they’d have ~crops~

enter: star child, IWAIZUMI HAJIME

THIS MOTHERFUCKER

suga remembers this dude from one of his pre-med courses and here he is swinging a machete against FOUR ZOMBOS AND HE HANDLING THEM SO WELL

wow his muscles

iwaizumi got his hair tied back with a red bandana as a headband, he’s got a tanktop and an unbuttoned top on, cargo pants ,, boots ,, has this wrist band and ,, he looks so delicious man

ne way ,, so the group + iwa head off to the countryside yeehaw

they come across an enclosed camp

“YALL GOTTA STAY WHERE YOU ARE”

where the fu c k is that voice coming from

they look up and on the water tank we got OIKAWA TOORU WITH A FUCKIN RIFLE AND SHIT

he highkey the best shot with that shit in this camp

“YO WE AINT TRYNA PICK A FIGHT” they said

“SO DROP THE FUCKIN WEAPONS” oikawa says

“ITS LITRALLY A FUCKIN CROWBAR BITCH LET US IN”

“okay”

the big ass gates open, and there we have (cue angel music)

ushijima wakatoshi, kita shinsuke and bokuto koutaro

bokuto introduces themselves as 1/2 of the council in charge of the camp

there’s a council ?? yes

in the council, we have ushijima and kita who are in charge of the farm (the livestock and the crops ,, ushijima has a favorite chicken)

oikawa is in charge of border patrol ,, he’s fuckin deadly with that rifle and his accuracy on that thing is A++ 20/20 vision

bob the builder? we dont know him. we only know bokuto the builder he highkey be the dude who built most of the camp, the farms, repairs the gate, UGH LOVE THAT FOR HIM

we have a kuroo tetsuroo in charge of training, and supply runs ,, he knows which pads and tampons the women in the camp need ,, HIGHKEY

yaku is the mans in charge of the newbies, and speaking of ,, WELCOME TO THE CAMP TOUR

the whole camp is surrounded by fence walls, there are four posts and two main gates (west and south), there are tents in rows on the east side of the camp, and a row of outhouses (that bokuto built) and porta potties beside the main building, where people keep stocks n inventory by the north wall ,,, the whole west and south are mostly farm areas and where ppl park their vechiles

hopefully yall can imagine that

everybody in the camp has jobs to do

daichi and noya were put under kuroo for supply runs ,, noya is a quick boy and daichi is SMART wow they’re PERFECT FOR THIS

sugawara became the medic of the camp ,, their old medic died on a run so suga coming into the camp was basically a god sent ,, he also does inventory checks (with this dude named tsukishima kei who DIDNT sign up for the job but he does it anyway)

asahi does border patrol (coz wow imagine those thicc arms with a rifle in hand ,, DELICIOUS) he also helps bokuto in repairing and building things for the camp ,, their current project is another table for the mess hall/dining area :D

shimizu was put in to help care for the children in the camp ,, she sorta became a teacher and helps this girl yachi and this dude akaashi in teaching the kids basic education (because even in a zombie apocalypse, these children should kNOW HOW TO READ AND WRITE)

tanaka was put into farm work

a few months later, people started to get real sick in the camp ,, LIKE ,, season 4 of the walking dead type of sick where a fever can kill you and turn you into a zombo

suga is running out of antibiotics and ushijima’s medicinal herbs arent enough (yes he grows a herb farm)

noya nd kuroo goes out on a supply run to look for pharmacies to raid

lo and behold in one of these pharmacies they find a hinata shoyo and a kageyama tobio camped out in the back office

noya and kuroo brings them back to the camp with the medicine yay

hinata is a med student (noya showed off how it was him that helped look for the right kinds of antibiotics in the pharmacy) ,, kags is hinata’s annoying dorm mate

kageyama rolls into the camp with a rifle on his back and they ask if he’s any good with it yes he’s quite good ,, they put him under oikawa’s care

oikawa’s quite hesitant to teach this kid with the sharp and mean eyes but he does it anyway #SupportOikawa

tagging: @pretty-settersquad​ - @himbokutos​  - @akaaaashit​

with contrib from: @bord-y​ & @fitriiaw​ for the inspo

you guys are free to add on with what you think :> | also im sorry for not writing all of the characters into this but it will make the post longer than it already is | feel free to share how you’d see your fave characters in this au :0

[lunavadash-creates]

Hello there! It's your favorite Knifey of all knifeys.!

Sorry for lack of response but.. but what. I dont know if it's because of vaccine, but I'm exhausted lately. I could sleep all day and all night. My concentration doesn't exist anymore. And yes, vaccine knocked me out! My hand didn't hurt to be honest, but I had high fever and migraine. I got blood test to see if there is anything wrong, but the results are good. I have no idea what's going on. 😐

How are you Sweetie? Did you have proper rest after your trip? Tell me how it was! What did you see! Tell me everything!

I was thinking about words you said. That adventures starting in a secret are the best ones. You were right. When I got my dog I was trying to hide my allergy for almost 4 month! I was determined to have a doggo, so I have been talking my friend's meds for allergy as she is hardcore allergic. I admit, it was stupid and irresponsible, but definitely it was worth all the risk!

Haha, yes, I was in Venice and in Florence and other Italian cities. I just love travelling! It's not I am from wealthy family or something, I am not. I have no savings, because I spend all my money on traveling. I was working for 3 month everyday for 12-13 hours in a pub so I could spend half month in South Korea. Dealing with all those creepy and drunk men was also worthy!

And I just wanted to say you are the sweetest! Your messages always make me smile! Always! Thank you so much for all your encouraging words! They make me feel better! Your messages, your writing, everything.! I love to check your blog, I love content you share with your followers. And you deserve all the support! Please don't change, you are wonderful and so asdfghjkllove!💕

Sorry for all mistakes and grammar, my brain doesn't want to cooperate.

Loads of love! Take care of yourself or Altair will be highly disappointed if you don't! And me too.!

🔪

Dont worry about response! Its worth waiting to see your message in my inbox! And I get it, vaccines are scary and you never know how it will make you react. For example i had jj vaccine my hand hurt for like 5 days but except from that i was fine! So if you feel exhausted just rest, drink water, eat something tasty. Im happy you are not so much more safer! I hope you'll feel better soon, please keep me updated!

Ah as for me... I have health problem again. My leg suddenly got swollen almost 3 weeks ago and now it hurts a lot so I cant walk. I already have usg of veins and x-Ray but it showed nothing so tomorrow ill call another doctor and make appointement.

Fortunately my trip was amazing! What I saw? Well I love museum so we went to musaum of torture and museum of sex toys. Honestly the second one was my fave - the have sex toys from all around the world and from different periods. Like they have full bdsm equipement and shoes and ancient roman prostitutes (u know, the ones that left foot print on the ground with words 'follow my foot steps'). It was so amazing! I also saw charles university, charles bridge, rose gardens, cafhedrals and all amazing places. I also was in metro! (there is 1 line of metro in my country and its in the capital). I also had Czech McDonalds which is so tasty! And for the first time in ny life i was in a vegan/vegetarian restaurant and i truly liked the food!

As for adventures. It was my firdt. I love traveling but unfortunately i have no friends to travel with. So I used to travel with family and prague was my first, alone travel abroad to visit a friend. I hope i can do it more often because world has so much to offer. And you know what? Our lives are so short there is no point of wasting them on being afraid to risk!

YOU WERE IN SOUTH KOREA?! I ENVU U SO MUCH GOOD GODS. Knifey you are such a role model for me 🥺💜 i want ti be as brave as you. And hard working as you.

Tell me everything please?

Also doggy! Yes, hiding allergy wasnt the smartest move but im glad you are fine (you are, right?). I hope you can fight thst allergy and enjoy floofy companions!

One again thank you for your kind words and support. Honestly I want to change a bit, i need to go back to who i used to be in terms of working. I cant focus on stuff, i cant make myself do things i love. It tiring, you know? I used to read one book a day. Write a lot and a lot of fiction and my own stories. I used to study Japanese fir fun, writing all the signs and trying to remember them. Now I feel like a wreck that cant concentrate. But I will work hard to become a better person so I can post more! And I wish to make more people happy. You know whag is for me the biggest achievement? When people say i managed to make them smile/laugh and something i made made them happy. Your messages give me so much positive energy! Thank you again!

You asked for pictures so here is astronomical clock, president Palace and a rose from rose garden!

[julesnadri]

long distance and little space !!

***strictly sfw, nonsexual age regression. if your blog is not 100% sfw DNI***

taking care of a baby can be very very difficult when they live far away!! even though i hate not being able to cuddle my princess 24/7 there are lots of ways to have a completely happy and healthy relationship with your baby when you live far apart!!! 

- call every night !!! my baby falls asleep over facetime with me every night!! that way i can make sure she doesn't have bad dreams and that she gets to bed on time!! 

- we write for each other and ill record myself playing music on my ukulele and guitar while singing and ill send her the videos!! since we’re both creative people we do our respective hobbies over facetime and its almost like we’re sitting in the same room!!!!

- we have a family calendar app that allows us to set reminders and set checklists for each other!! the one we have even lets you set cute backgrounds and choose your color scheme! 

- zepeto is another app that we use !! we both created little people and then we can have them take pictures together!! it’s the closest we can get to taking pictures together and it can be v v cute !!!

- sending each other things !! my baby just mailed me one of her hoodies and a ring to match hers !! soon im going to mail her one of my flannels and a little mouse i sewed just for her with a cute fabric that she picked out !!

- some bigger things too, plans!!! we’re planning to meet irl for the first time in a few months, and then we’re also planning to get married eventually!! talking about how sweet it’ll be when we’re finally together forever is very very nice !!

- know what meds ( if any ) your baby needs to take on a daily basis, and then other meds for pain relief ( cold medicine, pain killlers, tummy meds, etc. ) if your baby needs to take over the counter meds have them send you a picture of the label so you can make sure they're taking the right dose!!!!

- encourage them to take care of themselves, hygiene, mental health, and physical needs!! make sure theyre staying hydrated and that they eat enough!!  if your little has / had an ED this is especially important!! make sure theyre getting enough fruits and veggies and protein !! be aware of any allergies they may have and help make sure they dont come in contact w any of them!!! make sure they shower and brush their teeth and get dressed in cute clothes that make them feel good !! remember to tell them how precious and adorable they are !!!! 

- be aware of how tired they are and how much sleep they need !!! because my baby’s nighttime schedule varies a bit, and sometimes she works late or is out late with friends, we dont have a set bedtime. we always call when she gets home, and so we’ll talk for a bit and ill pay attention to how tired she is, also accounting for if she needs to wake up the next day!!!

- luckily, my sweet girl is very very good to me and never ever disobeys, so i haven't set any punishments for her, and if she does ever do anything she shouldnt ( say bad words, watch scary shows, read big kid books, etc. ) i can almost always simply explain why shes not supposed to do those things ( give her nightmares, make her upset, etc ) she tends to understand and steer clear of those things!!! if your baby tends to be a little more wild and mischievous, you may find yourself needing to set punishments, but remember what things are off limits !!  never take comfort items, such as music, stuffies, a tv show that always calms them, a paci, etc. this will only upset them, not teach them anything. no inflicting pain, nothing sexual. examples of safe punishments: a good lecture, an early bedtime, losing dessert for a day, something short term and not unreasonable !!! 

- remind them how much you love them, shower them with compliments and attention as often as possible !!!! especially if your baby is cuddly, long distance can be very hard if they’re upset or in pain!! have them cuddle stuffies!! wrap up v v tight in blankets!!! wear the softest, warmest, comfiest clothes!! drink some juice / milk / preferred little drink !!! go through a mental list of everything that makes them happy when theyre in little space and talk them through it !!!!! 

im still pretty new at being a caregiver, but feel free to dm me if you need a hand !!!! 

- jules <3 <3 <3 

[wennjunhui]

seventeen hospital au

im back at it again with another random seventeen post bc nurse!jun is ruining me :)))))

disclaimer: the most i know about hospitals and how they work is from chicago med so dont expect this to be accurate 

seungcheol

attending physician in the ed

kinda intimidating but is really a huge softie

but don’t make him angry bc that is not a good idea at all

always seen with a protein shake

tends to hover over the new med students a lot

partially because it’s important to evaluate them and their knowledge

but most because he thinks its funny when they freak out around him

always asks for a psych consult even when he knows its not necessary

bc its totally in the best interest in the patient and not because hes bored and wants to talk with his bff nahhh

has a long term girlfriend that works as a software developer

everyone in the ed tryna get him to propose bc ITS BEEN 9 YEARS DAMMIT WIFE HER ALREADY

jeonghan

psychiatry fellow

usually works night shifts because hes sleeps schedule is fucked 

functions on coffee and coffee alone

is constantly Tired

catch him napping in the break rooms whenever he has time

originally wanted to go into psychology, but he gets too invested and thought it would be better to maintain short term relationships

bffs with seungcheol, but bffls with joshua

by the off chance he’s not tried, he’ll go around the ed and tease the doctors and nurses

hes in the ed a lot tho bc someone keeps calling him even tho “he literally just sprained his ankle seungcheol why am i here”

joshua

plastics fellow

fucking loaded

pulls up to the ed in a fucking gold ferrari and just shrugs when people ask about

‘yeah i got it as a birthday gift, treat yourself ya know?’

born and raised in the us, but went to south korea to further his studies

bffls with jeonghan

by GOD the chance theyre in the same room, its game over for everyone

his surgery playlist is fucking wild 

did a heartbreaking ballad just finish playing? oh thats sad but move over its britney bitch 

always brings a guitar to work parties

‘if you sing sunday morning one more fucking time-’ proceeds to sing sunday morning ‘GODDAMMIT JOSHUA’

is seeing the cute hotel concierge that works a few blocks away 

junhui

the Hot Nurse

literally all the patients fucking swoon 

kinda makes patients nervous bc of how handsome he is

ok i’ll stop now

occasionally scrubs in as a surgical nurse for minghao

he pretends to be all cool and hot shit in front of patients, but when hes around staff he turns into a giant bright ball of excitable fluff 

will always be asked to be assigned to kid patients bc he loves kids

studied abroad in korea and decided he loved it there so he stayed

may or may not have a crush on someone in the hospital but shh no one knows except jeonghan and minghao

has no problem calculating correct dosages but cant do basic math for the life of him

‘no junhui, 7+8 does not equal 17′

soonyoung

senior resident in the ed

HYPEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!111!!!!111

works night shifts bc otherwise the ed would be dead without him

probably drinks too much redbull for his own health

his favorite treatment room is treatment room five because “that’s where a patient peed on me on my first day here”

“ok soonyoung good to kno”

“no problem”

not very tech savvy 

always manages to fuck up the tablets somehow every shift

for the love of GOD dont let him near an xray machine

also never assign him and seungkwan on the same patient they will accomplish nothing 

has taken chan under his wing

wonwoo

neurology resident

blind as fuck

harry potter glasses for days

looks really cold on the outside but is really just a huge fucking dork

like actually he laughs and jokes about anything and everything

neurology can be dark sometimes yo and humor is a great way to cope with it

that and gaming

half the reason why he cant see is bc he spent too much time playing video games growing up

still kinda does but he gets away with it

accompanies soonyoung on the night shift bc he knows soonyoung gets lonely sometimes

plays ballads in the surgery rooms because it helps him keep calm

jihoon

pathology resident

‘forget working with humans hAVE YOU SEEN THIS BLOOD CULTURE ITS COOL AS FUCK’

that being said, he hangs around the break rooms a lot because being cooped up in pathology is just tiring sometimes and he needs actual people to talk to

but mostly its so he can draw on jeonghans sleeping face

shares a flat with soonyoung bc rent is expensive yo

usually has the best tunes down in pathology 

originally wanted to go into music, but school kinda killed his enjoyment of it for a long time

is slowly getting back into and finding his joy in it again

he knows too many stories about the ed that hes forced to listen to

“for the last fucking time soonyoung i dont care about how your patient threw up on seungkwan”

“okokok but`”

“no”

seokmin

ed resident wanting to specialize in pediatrics

SUNSHINE AND HAPPINESS AND SMILES EVERYWHERE

wow literally everyone in the ed is in love with him a teeny tiny bit

because he has such a bright and positive aura around him that its hard not to feel happy 

sings to the smol children if they get scared 

everyone always asks him to sing at work parties and he kills it every time despite being initially shy

“wait wait wait you were in a rock band in high school???”

has a crush on the ed secretary out front

its so fucking cute the rest of the ed ships them so much

sometimes he doubts himself and his skills and that makes his day very sad

but everyone in the ed is in love with him and will constantly be there to remind seokmin about how amazing his is and how much he deserves to be here

and thatll make his day better c:

mingyu

ed resident

the Hot Doctor

wow everyone has a crush on him even if you dont you do

pray for the patients that get assigned to both mingyu and jun your in for a visual attack

tho the facade for mingyu usually breaks after a minute of meeting him

clumsy af yo

once knocked over the patients entire tray of food because his limbs were longer than he remembered

sometimes forgets to put on hand sanitizer and seungcheol always yells at him about

from the other side of the ed “MINGYU, HANDS”

“THANKS HYUNG”

always brings his own lunch bc hospital foods shit and he makes better food at home 

sometimes brings in cookies for the staff in the break room

theyre usually gone within an hour

minghao

trauma and emergency medicine fellow

TALENTED

was personally scouted by hospital officials in china

really young to be such an expert in his field

also his hands are really sensitive to abnormalities in the human body so he feels out the situation and catches the situation really early

is kinda intimidating because of his rbf and takes no shit approach

but is really super soft and fluffy once not in a work environment

relied on jun a lot in terms of adjustment here in korea, and he’s probably closest to him in the ed 

has jun scrub in with him for surgeries sometimes

objectively has the best surgery playlists

from pink floyd, to an obscure japanese indie rock

bickers with mingyu a lot of proper treatment of patients

usually theyre both right tho they just cant communicate effectively

is secretly seeing another chinese surgeon from plastics, but they hide it really well except from jun ofc

seungkwan

nurse

a really loud and mouthy one at that

nags everyone in the ed a lot despite not being the charge nurse

tho hes getting there and everyone knows it 

despite that, hes really sweet and caring towards patients 

is also really weak for kids, but he cant ever be assigned to them because he’ll freak out if something happens to them

always earns high marks on nurse feedback forms because he does his job AND is entertaining 

even tho he nags everyone else, sometimes hes too selfless and forgets to take care of himself

“did you forget your lunch? aiii how could you do that? here take mine”

“seungkwan you need to eat to”

“i said take it, now eat and make your mom proud”

cries and often laments how much he loves his staff when hes had a little too much to drink at work parties

hansol

a new nurse

really chill, vibin through life

is really a much appreciated presence to have around the ed, especially when things can become hectic really quickly

often acts as a translator between english and korean 

will laugh at pretty much anything (which wonwoo appreciates alot because at least someone likes his jokes)

one thing that always gets his blood boiling is the blatant ignorance some patients have

like the offhanded racism against him or his coworkers, or comments about lgbtq+ people 

and there have been times when he hasnt been able to control how he responds because wow he Dislikes ignorant people

so whenever he gets a patient like that, he often asks to switch with another nurse because “if i have to listen to karen say something racist about jun or minghao again im gonna lose my fucking mind”

med students usually hang around him bc of how approachable he is

shower thoughts

“do you ever wonder this would taste like”

“hansol dont-”

chan

med student in his final year

is really eager to learn and get started on things!

ed is his first choice for match day

soonyoung has taken him under his wing so he mainly just shadows him

and its always a fun and great time chan has learned so much from him 

the entire ed staff has adopted him and will riot if he doesnt get accepted on match day

“chan, whos baby are you?”

“for the last time hyung IM TWENTY SEVEN”

if hes not shadowing soonyoung, hes probably studying in the break rooms with hansol throwing popcorn at him

“hyung stop im tryna study”

“ok but catch this in your mouth first”

still has a lot to learn, but hes out there conquering the world of medicine yall better watch out

[unendeligtid]

Did you already do prompt 2 for Davenzi 👀

Not until now! 

Also this is 2.5k someone stop me

2. “You had me really worried there, love.”

David’s sick.

He doesn’t want to admit it, but Matteo knows better.

He knows as soon as he wakes up. He can feel the abnormal heat radiating off of David’s sleeping form. When Matteo turns around, he meets his boyfriend’s pale and sweating face.

The thing is, Matteo saw this coming.

David was suspiciously quiet all of last night, claiming to be tired from work. He’d skipped dinner, something he never does, and instead crawled into bed with a pained grimace on his face. According to David, his limbs were sore from his workout the other day. Matteo knew otherwise.

And of course, David’s got a fever, and a pretty bad one from what Matteo can tell.

He rolls over properly and snuggles the side of his face into the comfortable pillow, reaching out to brush stray sweaty strands of David’s hair away from his face.

On the best of days, David is a really light sleeper, so the fact that this doesn’t wake him up worries Matteo slightly.

Matteo takes his hand back and turns over again, reaching for his phone on the bedside table.

How to calm a fever, is what he types into Google, hoping that the internet will have better advice than from what he remembers.

Take their temperature, keep them cool, keep them hydrated… Matteo reads on, letting out a sigh of relief.

He slides out of his bed as quiet as he can, sighing out in relief as it doesn’t seem to stir David at all. Quickly, he pads into the washroom, and scouring through the drawers in hopes of finding a thermometer.

No luck.

Matteo sighs. He figures he’ll head out to the pharmacy later to pick one up, as well as some fever reducers. In the meantime, he takes a clean cloth from under the sink and soak it in cool water from the tap.

When he walks back into their bedroom, David is still fast asleep. Matteo sits back down carefully on his side of the bed, wincing as it creaks slightly.

He places the cool cloth gently on David’s forehead, brushing David’s hair back so that it doesn’t get wet. David finally stirs.

“Wha-?” David mumbles tiredly, his eyelashes fluttering against his sweaty cheeks.

“You’re sick,” Matteo murmurs, attempting a voice that he hopes is soothing. “A fever, I think. I need to cool you down.”

“Cold,” David replies with a whisper, reaching down for the blanket, presumably to pull back over his shoulders.

“I know,” Matteo says, holding the blanket down with his spare hand so that David can’t move it. “But your body is boiling, you’ll feel better this way.”

“No,” David whines, swatting at Matteo’s hand on his forehead weakly.

Matteo sighs. He doesn’t care that David’s sweaty and pale and definitely a little bratty right now. He’s adorable.

“I need to head out to the pharmacy to grab you some stuff,” Matteo replies instead, placing David’s hand back down by his side. “Do you want me to get you anything while I’m there?”

David shakes his head. He’s started to shiver.

Matteo smiles. “How are you feeling?” he asks, raking his fingers through David’s mess of hair.

“Like shit,” David mumbles, his voice weak and low in his throat. “M’ head’s all spinny.”

“You nauseous?”

“Little bit,” David replies, closing his eyes tiredly. “Don’t wanna move.”

“I’ll tell you what,” Matteo says, flipping the cloth over to the other, much cooler side. “I’ll ask Hans to keep an eye on you while I head to the pharmacy, and then we can spend today doing nothing, how does that sound?”

“Okay,” David whispers, opening his eyes once more. His eyes are unfocused, looking around the room without any purpose. This isn’t good.

“Alright.” Matteo places a kiss to David’s sweaty hair, ignoring the whine that comes out of his boyfriend. “I’ll be right back.”

After a rushed trip to the pharmacy, Matteo hurries back to the flat. He doesn’t really want to leave David alone for too long, especially after having heard back from Hans that David was practically unresponsive and had fallen asleep again.

He swings open the door to his bedroom and throws the pharmacy bag onto his bed. David’s curled up on his side, dead asleep.

Normally, Matteo would find this adorable. After all, David really doesn’t sleep that deeply that often. Besides, David is just adorable in any circumstance. And while that still holds true, Matteo can’t help the pang of uneasiness that sinks down his stomach.

He sits down on the edge of the bed and places the back of his hand on David’s forehead. His boyfriend’s skin is burning underneath his touch.

“Baby,” Matteo whispers urgently, moving sweaty strands of David’s hair back. “Wake up.”

David grunts, but leans into Matteo’s touch.

“You need to wake up,” Matteo says, this time louder. “I need to take your temperature.”

David swallows thickly, but his eyes flutter open. They still have the same disoriented look to them, as if David isn’t really processing what he’s seeing.

Matteo quickly opens up the cardboard box holding the thermometer, and, after a quick skim of the instructions, uncaps the top part.

“Open your mouth,” Matteo instructs, placing his fingers delicately under David’s chin and tilting his head back slightly. “And put this under your tongue.”

David follows the instructions without argument, and Matteo places the thermometer in his mouth. After a few seconds, the thermometer beeps and Matteo takes it out to take a look at the small screen.

40°c.

Oh, that’s not good.

“Hans?” Matteo calls out, perhaps a little too loud, because David whines in protest, wincing at the loud noise. Matteo runs his fingers through David’s mess of hair to soothe him.

“Yeah?” Hans calls back from somewhere in the flat.

“Can you get me a glass of water and a cool cloth for David?”

“Of course!” Hans replies, and Matteo hears him bustling around.

“Is it bad?” David slurs, his eyes still moving rapidly back and forth.

“Yeah,” Matteo answers honestly, attempting to meet David’s gaze to no avail. “We’ll try the fever reducers that I got, though. It’ll be okay.”

Matteo isn’t sure who exactly he’s trying to convince, but he isn’t even sure if that’s true.

“Here we go,” Hans says as he bursts through the door. David flinches at the noise.

Hans hands Matteo the glass of water and the cool cloth.

“Thanks, Guru,” Matteo murmurs. Hans doesn’t even make a snide remark. Instead, he sits down on the other side of David and feels his forehead.

“Oh, my little butterfly,” Hans laments as he pulls back.

David chuckles deliriously.

“Okay,” Matteo says firmly, reaching into the pharmacy bag to grab the fever reducers. “I’m going to need you to sit up so that you can take these.”

David whines in protest, shutting his eyes. His eyelashes flutter against his sweaty cheeks.

“C’mon,” Matteo urges, grabbing onto David’s shoulder to help guide him up.

With Hans’ help, they’re able to get David into a sitting position. David leans heavily against Hans’ side, his head lolling forward dangerously.

“Baby?” Matteo asks curiously.

“M’ dizzy,” David whispers, his eyes opening again as he takes in the room.

“I know,” Matteo soothes, taking the pill out of the bottle and grabbing the side of David’s face to steady him.

David opens his mouth willingly and Matteo places the pill on his tongue. He reaches to the bedside table to grab the water, and helps David take a sip.

David winces as he swallows the water, but manages to get the pill down.

“Ow,” he murmurs, his head lolling to the side to rest on Hans’ shoulder. Hans rubs his hand soothingly on David’s back.

“It’s done now,” Matteo says softly. “You can lie down again.”

He and Hans manage to help David to lie down on his back.

“Okay,” Hans says once David is settled in. He places a kiss onto David’s sweaty forehead. “I’ll leave you to it. Let me know if you need help again.”

“Thanks,” Matteo murmurs gratefully. David echoes him quietly.

“Anything for my children!” Hans replies, ruffling Matteo’s hair before standing up and heading out the door. He closes it behind him.

“He’s nice,” David whispers, closing his eyes with a smile. Matteo places the cool cloth on David’s forehead again.

“He is,” Matteo agrees, wiping up the drop of water that falls from the cloth and down David’s face. “How are you feeling?”

“Tired,” David responds, shivering, most likely due to the cold cloth against his skin. “Need to tell Laura.”

“I’ll text her,” Matteo reassures, reaching to the bedside table to grab David’s phone. “You get some rest. The fever reducers should kick in soon.”

“Mmh.” And just like that, David’s eyes are fluttering shut, and he seems to fall asleep almost straight away.

Matteo leaves the cool cloth in its place and unlocks David’s phone, opening his WhatsApp.

Hey its matteo, he texts Laura, davids not feeling well right now, has a fever of 40, idk what i should do

Oh shit, Laura texts back almost immediately, he doesnt get sick often but usually when he does its bad. Have you given him anything?

Fever reducers, Matteo responds, and im trying to get the fever down. Is there anything else i should do?

Just keep an eye on him, Laura says, make sure he drinks water, but let him rest. If his fever doesnt go down then you might need to take him to the hospital

Fuck, Matteo texts back, i really dont want to do that, i dont want to out him to the doctors

Thats sweet, Laura replies, but he normally responds to meds just fine, you just need to wait a bit. Just keep doing what youre doing and update me if anything changes

Okay, Matteo responds, and leaves it at that.

He keeps an eye on David for the afternoon as he sleeps, making sure to replace the cool cloth whenever it gets too warm.

David sleeps like a log, but Matteo leaves him be, figuring that he probably needs the rest.

It’s only after a couple hours, when Matteo’s half-heartedly playing some random game on his laptop that he hears David’s voice again.

“Matteo?” David murmurs hoarsely. Matteo’s head whips right over to his boyfriend. David’s still pale, still shivering, but his eyes are focussed solely on Matteo. Matteo sighs in relief.

His boyfriend looks back at Matteo, and Matteo finds himself swooning all over again. Even when sick, David still manages to be just about the most gorgeous person Matteo has ever laid eyes upon.

“Hey,” Matteo responds, reaching to feel David’s forehead with gentle fingers. David leans into the touch with a small hum.

“‘Time is it?” David asks, his voice rough and hoarse.

“Like five or something.” Matteo shrugs his shoulders. He reaches to the side to grab the thermometer again. “You slept the whole day.”

“Ah shit,” David curses, leaning up onto his elbow, probably to get up and do God-knows-what. Matteo gently pushes his shoulder down.

“You aren’t going anywhere,” Matteo says with a chuckle, brushing David’s ever-messy hair out of his eyes. “Now, open your mouth.”

“That’s what he said,” David mutters under his breath, but follows the instructions anyways. Matteo places the thermometer under his tongue.

“Smartass,” Matteo giggles, rolling his eyes. The thermometer beeps, and Matteo pulls it out to take a closer look.

“38,” Matteo sighs out in relief, letting the tension drop from his shoulders. His neck aches slightly from the remnants of the leftover strain in his body. “That’s so much better. You had me really worried there, love.”

“Why?” David wonders, leaning into Matteo’s casual touches. He closes his eyes briefly and swallows thickly.

“You were at 40 this morning,” Matteo responds, placing the thermometer onto the bedside table before lying down to join David. “I was almost prepared to take you to the hospital.”

“Laura had to do that once,” David whispers, his eyes still closed. He nuzzles into his pillow. “Fever got too high and I couldn’t breathe properly. Turns out my lungs were a little fucked from binding so much.”

Matteo blinks. Normally David doesn’t talk about anything regarding binding unless he absolutely needs to. It almost frustrates Matteo sometimes, because he can normally tell when David is in pain from binding for too long. It’s almost a struggle every night to make sure that David takes off his binder before they go to bed.

“You’ve stopped doing it as much, right?” he asks, trailing his hand down to caress David’s clothed back, as if willing the pain away somehow.

David lets out a contented sigh and leans into Matteo. “Yeah,” he murmurs. “I’ve definitely learned my lesson from that.”

“Good,” Matteo says, leaning forward to place a kiss on David’s warm forehead. “How are you feeling now?”

“Gross,” David responds tiredly. “A little woozy. But not as bad.”

“Nauseous?”

“Little bit,” David shrugs, his eyes fluttering open. “I think I’ll be okay though.”

“We’ll get you in the bath when you’re up to it, and maybe some anti-nausea meds if you need them,” Matteo promises. He pulls back, remembering his other promise to Laura. He reaches over David to grab his boyfriends’ phone, sending off a quick text to Laura.

“You should have some water,” Matteo says once he’s typed out the message.

“M’ not thirsty.”

“Don’t even argue with me, you need water,” Matteo instructs, giving David’s shoulder a light push.

David sits up carefully with a sigh, closing his eyes as he finally goes upright. He reaches up and pinches the skin on the bridge of his nose, taking in a deep breath.

“Dizzy?” Matteo asks, holding onto David’s shoulder carefully, just in case.

“Yeah,” David mutters, his eyes opening again cautiously. “I can’t sit up for long.”

Matteo makes sure that David’s settled against the wall behind him before he reaches over to grab the half-empty cup of water from the bedside table. “That’s okay, just drink a bit.”

“Yes, sir,” David responds, opening his mouth so that Matteo can help him take a sip. He winces as he swallows the water.

“There we go,” Matteo murmurs mindlessly, taking the cup and placing it back on the bedside table. “Let’s lie down for a bit.”

David goes willingly, curling up on his side, facing Matteo. “For how long?” he wonders.

“Until you start to feel better,” Matteo says as he lies down on his side as well to face his boyfriend. “And then maybe a little bit longer.”

“Sounds good,” David whispers, his dry lips curling into a small smile. He nuzzles into the pillow with a hum. “Sorry I’m so gross.”

Matteo can’t help his lips from forming into a smile. “You’ve seen me even grosser, I think,” he points out. “And besides, I love you no matter now smelly you are.”

David takes him in with his slightly glazed over, but nevertheless warm eyes and a small smile. He snorts and rolls his eyes, giving Matteo’s shoulder an uncharacteristically weak shove. His eyes glint lovingly, and Matteo doesn’t even question it for a second; he knows that the feeling is mutual.

[malafight]

Long-Ass Life Update (I’m not dead!)

Finally a life update now that I’m back home. It’s been a painful and tiring couple of weeks :’) And actually some of the days/times might be off because I was like super fucking out of it for most of that time period.

Anyhow, I went to the ER on Friday the 1st after 3 days of severe stomach pain, and the local hospital is like notoriously shitty but I was in horrible pain ok

They actually took me seriously for once, took me back immediately, ekg, ultrasound, blood and piss tests, and told me from the start not to eat or drink anything.

They told me they found gallstones and one or more might be stuck in the bile duct, but they made it sound like it wasnt inflamed and there werent many, so I wasnt super worried? They sent me for an MRI and then told me that they didnt have the capability to get out any stones, so they sent my ass an hour away via ambulance to a much better hospital so they could do the probe thing they needed to. It took until Saturday night to get a room there, though, and they didnt know when I’d get there and since they figured theyd want to do the probe ASAP, I was kept completely without eating or drinking for all of Friday night and Saturday, after not eating more than a few bites of muffin on Friday and next to nothing Thursday either because Everything Hurt.

Also, Fentanyl is fucking magic. Thats the only thing that even vaguely touched the pain.

So anyhow, I get to the other hospital at fuck o’clock at night and God Damn Staved because, like I said, bitches gave me No Fucking Food for an entire day (I’m not kidding that hospital is horrible and has a horrible reputation for ending up with killing people or making situations worse but the next nearest hospitals are an hour away in different directions and I don’t often have anyone willing to drive me that far and I often don’t feel up to driving myself that far if I’m already at “need to go to the ER, fuck the money I don’t have” point, and Saer has only just gotten into the USA and the last time they came with me to the ER they ended up with a virus for like three weeks and I wasn’t gonna do that to them again!!) and finally when I got to that hospital they were like “yeah we won’t be able to do the probe until Monday so eat something and then tomorrow you’re on a liquid diet and then nothing by mouth after midnight” so they scrounged me up some chicken broth and orange juice at like ten o’clock at night and gave me Those Good Good Meds and I slept in a decent hospital bed instead of on a fucking ER bed like Friday night (since they were transferring me at the local hospital they didn’t admit me and I slept in the ER. yeah. i hurt too badly to sleep on my side even with pain meds, and I slept on an ER bed. I had to sleep all day Saturday on and off just to get vaguely rested, but honestly? this whole ordeal has been an adventure in sleep deprivation despite heavy sedatives)

Monday rolls around and they take me for the ERCP (iirc thats what it was) where they put a thing down my throat and cut the bile duct wider so the stone could pass, get that bitch cleared up, all is well. I was heavily sedated and remember none of it, just waking up with different pain in my stomach and the world’s worst sore throat.

I was on a liquid diet from that and until the extraction on Wednesday. I have drank my weight in broth and orange juice.

Wednesday they take me in to remove my gallbladder. It was supposed to be a simple laparoscopic procedure, nip it out, pull it, I go home in a couple days with a couple small cuts on my belly. My dad (and several other people) reassured me that it was routine and quick, and is an easy procedure that should take 2 hours at most. I told him, “Listen, with me, literally nothing is ever easy and you know that”

Fast forward to me waking up and my first thought is “is that a catheter? guess it didnt go so easy after all.” I’m pretty sure the first words I said as I woke up were “told you it wouldnt be easy” lmao

Remember how hospital #1 told me that my gallbladder wasn’t inflamed and there were only a couple gallstones?

It was chock goddamn full of gallstones and so inflamed that when they tried to get it out laparoscopically, it tore. He spent an hour trying to get it out that way safely before realizing that his only recourse is to cut me open and get it out that way. The procedure took closer to 5 hours.

I have at least 20 staples in my belly now and I hope I get a cool fuckin scar but shit hurts still. I was in the hospital slowly ramping up to eating solid food again until Friday when I was allowed to go home to Saer. I can’t lift anything more than 20 pounds for another like month, and my range of motion is a fraction of what it was before. I’m so easily exhausted now and i can barely do anything and it’s really fucking pathetic??? and every time I bring that up Saer is like “they TOOK your ORGAN” so

(its really sad that i’m so conditioned that If I’m Not Doing Everything I Can All The Time Then I’m Not Trying Hard Enough that even after having full surgery to remove an organ I’m like NO I CAN DO THE THING and then end up hurting myself s-sobs)

(we watched the episode of b99 today where gina comes back after getting hit by a bus and when she tried to dance while still in the halo saer pointed at her and was like “it u” and i was like “exCUSE” but like, tru)

anyhow, im home, and i have my wife with me, and saer is such a blessing right now because i cannot do SHIT and they need to help me off the couch sometimes if my dumb ass gets in a position with no leverage, and also ive already fallen off the couch like twice because i was like NO I GOT IT and saer was across the room like BEB NO U DONT and yeah im stubborn and stupid ok saer is saving me from myself for the most part

also also the app i drive for is shutting down in my city at the start of december hhhhh so now i also have to fuckin... find a job like this and uGH do not WANT ffff

but yeah thats something even my parents have okayed me holding off on until I’m better so if even my fuckin parents are like “pls chill???” yall know im fucked up

however i’m mostly weaned off opiod pain meds now and am only using them at night when it’s worse and hard to sleep, tylenol tends to take care of it well enough now. my range of motion is improving, too, but i am just still so easily tired that its frustrating. we went grocery shopping yesterday and even in the little motor scooter i was completely worn out by the end of it.

but im alive! all is well! i will continue improving! sorry for being so quiet during this but like I said, i’ve been some level of sedated for most of this event. not fully sedated except for the two procedures, but fentanyl and dilautin (ok i have no idea what it actually is and google isnt helping but i had a button for it) and then morphine and hydrocodone on top of not getting restful sleep At All due to pain, discomfort, and people coming in every hour for vitals checks... I was fuckin Gone i got fuckall done rip

however once my pain-induced blood pressure spike was lowered (i saw them take it at the ER and it was fuckin RED) everyone was like “...you have really good blood pressure??” like i’m pretty sure i have low blood pressure naturally and my size/genetics gives me high blood pressure and they kinda cancel each other out, but yeah. pretty cool.

my family kept swinging between “IF YOURE IN THAT MUCH PAIN FOR 24 HOURS YOU GO TO THE ER. YOU DO NOT WAIT THREE DAYS.” and “...jesus christ you have a high pain tolerance”

//throws the horns thats what chronic pain does to ya baybee

my mom especially was impressed because she was just like “you’re so calm talking to them about how much it hurts how are you doing that” and im just like “its literally wasted energy to freak out and i hurt too badly to move so im just gonna sit here and tell them im a ten and hope they take pity on me because i have no other options”

anyhow fun new experience and im pretty sure ive broken my brother’s hospitalization record and also pretty sure i’ve got enough medical debt on me now that i can literally file for bankruptcy so

also i can feel a void near my ribs and it is so bizarre yall fuckin organs need to close the gap asap bc this shit weird as hell

[the--blackdahlia]

This Life Chapter 16

Title: This Life Chapter 16

Summary:  Dean Winchester is the Vice President of the motorcycle club The Hunters. After almost 7 years in prison, he's free. But things have changed and Dean has to figure out how to put things back together.

Warnings: Language, mentions of drug use, this chapter is pretty sad

AN: Thank you to the lovely @sams-serialkiller-fetish .  The song for this chapter is Come Join the Murder by The White Buffalo & The Forest Rangers

Sam was curled up in the passenger seat of Baby as Dean drove them back to Wolfpine. He had his arm cradled against him and his eyes were closed. Dean kept casting glances over at him. The kid had worked himself up the minute Ellen stepped out of the truck and asked where Benny was. Jim had forced him to take a couple pills from the med kit that Bobby kept in the truck and before Dean knew it, his not so little, little brother was snoring softly beside him in the Impala.

Dean was exhausted. He couldn’t wait to get back to Wolfpine and collapse onto his bed. And he had the pull out couch for Sam to sleep on for the night. Unless he decided that they needed to spend the night in John’s old house. But Dean didn’t think it was a very good idea. Plus, they had the Wayward Sons following them to Wolfpine to think of a plan in case the remaining Horsemen decided to retaliate for Azazel’s death.

Bobby had called in some favors with a couple sheriff’s who owed him a thing or two. Benny’s body would be returned home, and the bodies of Azazel and the henchmen would be dealt with. Jody assured Bobby of that. Bobby could focus then on putting Benny to rest. His dad was currently drinking his way through Atlantic City, and his mom was on her honeymoon with her new husband in Europe. Bobby doubted that either would be there to say goodbye to their son.

And then there was Sam. That kid had been through more trauma in the past year than any of them had. He had watched as a fire destroyed everything, he watched his dad shot in the chest and was left for dead, and then he was chained up to watch as a man who was like a brother to him was shot in the head and killed. Bobby didn’t know about what Azazel had told Sam, and neither did Dean. Bobby didn’t know about Sam’s downward spiral into depression that John managed to pull him out of. Dean was afraid it was going to happen again.

“Sammy.” Dean said gently when he parked Baby in Winchester-Singer’s lot. Sam groaned and slowly opened his eyes. “Hey, we’re at the garage. I thought we could stay here tonight then head to my place tomorrow.”

“Okay.” Sam said softly, opening the door and slowly getting out, stretching his long legs as he did. He had been asleep when they stopped in New Mexico. He didn’t even remember Dean making him get out of the car to use the bathroom and forced him to eat a little something that the medicine in him wouldn’t screw him up too much.

“How’s your arm?” Dean asked, coming around to look at Sam.

“It’s fine.” He whispered, but he was holding it close to him. Dean was sure that it was probably hurting. He followed Sam to the building. He could hear the others pulling in. But Dean knew that Sam needed time away from all of them. Hell, he needed time away from all of them. So they made their way through everything to the room that Dean used to sleep in when he just couldn’t handle being around John, until he got the apartment that was. It wasn’t much. A large bed mainly. But that’s all they really needed. They needed sleep.

“Let me look at that.” Dean said when he closed the door behind him. Sam held out his arm for Dean to check it out. He knew basic first aid. And he knew how to change bandages. He was going to make sure that they were always clean and taken care of. “It looks fine. It should heal nicely.”

“Thanks.” Sam sighed and set down on the bed. “You want the bed?”

“I think there’s enough room we could share.” Dean laughed. “And I’ll even keep my boxers on.”

“God, you’re ridiculous.” Sam said, kicking off his boots and laying back on one side of the bed. Dean kicked off his own shoes and his vest was next. He tossed himself down on the bed.

“God, this thing stinks.” He shook his head, not wanting to know what had been done on this bed. “I’m replacing it once everything is done and over with.” Sam didn’t answer. Dean looked over to find Sam fast asleep. He couldn’t help but smile. “G’night bitch.” He said, turning over and falling to sleep himself.

****

The next morning, there were not alarm clocks. Everyone slept in as much as they could, just enjoying their moments of peace. They knew that war was on the horizon, especially once the other princes found Azazel. They also knew that they were going to have to bury Benny. Bobby had tried over and over again to get a hold of either of his parents, but nothing.

Sheriff Mills came by in the afternoon. Dean was out in the garage, trying to focus on a car to keep his mind off of everything. The Wayward Sons were staying at John’s old home for the night. Bobby had never sold it, figuring that Sam might want it during the summers or something. Or that Dean would get tired of that apartment and want a change. Lucifer, Andy, Gabriel, Ruby, and Meg were all there, waiting for the other shoe to drop and war to break out.

“Dean Winchester.” Jody said, walking up to him. Dean smiled some.

“Hey Jody.” Dean said, wiping his hands on a shop rag. She could tell that his smile wasn’t reaching his eyes though and she immediately hugged him. She might have been on the Hunters payroll, but she was also a friend. That’s what made it a little easier to look the other one every once in awhile.

“Benjamin Lafitte has been released to the North Star Hospital Center.” Jody explained to Dean. “So you guys can arrange…” Dean nodded.

“Thanks Jody. We really owe you.” Dean said. Jody looked up then and smiled some as Sam came out into the garage, favoring his arm.

“Sam.” She hugged him, careful to miss his arm. “Welcome home.”

“Thanks Jody.” Sam said softly. “Hey Dean, have you seen Jim?”

“No, not yet. Your arm hurting?” Dean asked. Sam nodded. Dean was about to say something when some new bikes pulled into the lot. Jody was a little on edge. “It’s ok Jody, they’re friends.” Dean said. Andy took his helmet off and looked over at Sam and Dean.

“You okay?” He asked, walking past Jody.

“I’m fine.” Sam sighed. Jody took this time to size up the Wayward Sons. Andy seemed okay. Meg and Ruby weren’t too bad. Gabriel looked a little rough around the edges. Lucifer was fucking scary.

“I could score you some Demon Blood man.” Lucifer said. “It’ll stop all the pain.”

“Yeah, and it’ll stop him from being a functioning human being.” Ruby hissed. “Don’t even bring that shit around here.”

“Demon Blood?” Dean asked. “What the fuck is that?”

“Street drug and nasty.” Jody told him. “I just had to interview a couple of girls who had been slipped it in their drinks.” Dean watched Ruby awkwardly rubbed her arm as Jody spoke. “Moderation shouldn’t cause any life altering effects. But too much and overdoses can really fuck you up.”

“Can we change the subject?” Sam asked. “I don’t need Demon Blood. Just some low grade, over the counter painkillers and I’ll be good.”

“What happened anyway?” Jody asked.

“I got shot.” Sam said dismissively before he headed to where Ellen and Jo were to see if they had anything.

“Well, I guess you guys have things to attend to.” Jody said. “Let me know when the funeral is. I’d love to pay my respects.” She patted Dean’s arm and offered a small smile. “And tell Bobby to give me a call.” She left then. Dean went to go make the arrangements to have Benny buried. He didn’t want him to lay there and rot because his parents couldn’t give a shit about him. He also needed to research whatever this Demon Blood shit was.

“She was addicted to it.” Andy said to Dean, startling him some. “Ruby was. She was kicked out of her home, lost her job, everything. All she wanted was more of it. But she pulled herself out and is very anti Demon Blood.”

“Why is it called that?” Dean asked.

“No matter what form it’s in, it’s a deep red. It looks like blood. And it causes the user to hallucinate. A very common side effect is they believe they have powers.” Andy looked over at Lucifer, who was talking with Meg and Gabriel. “Lucifer OD’ed on it. That’s why he’s insane.”

“That did that to him?” Dean asked.

“Gabriel said he had a slight mental illness anyway. And he got hooked on Demon Blood. And he just took more and more until his body couldn’t take it anymore.” Andy explained. “Sam got lucky. He took it once and it made him sick and he promised to never take it again.” Andy realized as soon as the words left his mouth, he shouldn’t have said them.

“Wait...what did you say?” Dean asked.

“Nothing.” Andy shook his head.

“Sam took this drug?” Dean asked. Andy sighed.

“Once, as a moment of weakness. Right after Jess died. But he got so sick that the benefits were overshadowed. And he promised all of us and God himself that he would never do it again.” Andy could see the anger bubbling away under Dean’s skin. What else had Sam neglected to tell him? Instead, Dean stormed off, leaving Andy there. He went to find Bobby so they could get ready to bury Benny.

****

The funeral home was quick to have things set up. So it was the next day and they were ready. Benny was prepped and placed in a closed casket. It was sunny and warm. Every trope in movies said it was supposed to rain. So it couldn’t really be a funeral.

It was a graveside service. The funeral home did bring Benny to the cemetery via hearse, and the Hunters and Wayward Sons were the pallbearers. While the Wayward Sons had only known Benny a couple of days, they felt obligated to stand there by the Hunters. Ellen and Jo sobbed. Especially Ellen. She had watched Benny grow up from a chubby toddler to a man.

Sam was one of the first to leave when the ceremony was over. He had to get away. He needed air. So he stormed off, running away to a club of trees where he could sit and be alone. But he wasn’t, because Dean was right behind him.

“Sammy…” Dean said. “We got revenge for Benny and for dad.”

“You think that Azazel planned this all on his own?” Sam asked. Dean was about to speak up. “There are three more princes out there, plus their fucking henchmen. Dean, we have to stop them all.”

“And we will in due time.” Dean said. “We just buried Benny.”

“They won’t care.” Sam told him. “And if what Azazel said is true…”

“What? What did he say to you?” Dean asked.

“He told me that he slept with mom when her and dad were separated and that I have a good chance of being his kid.” Sam told Dean. “I don’t believe but…”

“Dad told me about that.” Dean said. “You’re not Azazel’s son. Even if you were, it didn’t change anything. Dad loved you so much.”

“But…”

“No buts Sammy. You’re a Winchester, that’s all there is to it. You ain’t getting out of this family that easy.” He smirked at Sam, who rolled his eyes. “Come on. I think a trip up to Austin for a burger is in order. My treat.”

“Can we take Baby?” Sam asked.

“Of course. Probably hard to steer your bike with that arm anyway.” They headed back to the others. They had gotten a ride with Bobby. Dean didn’t mention anything about what Andy had told him about Demon Blood. He just wasn’t in the mood to fight with Sam. He got his brother back and he wanted to keep it that way. He didn’t want to push him away.

And a trip to Austin really could do them both a lot of good.

****

Aguila, Arizona

Azazel’s body laid on a table as Asmodeus, Alastair, Ramiel, Lilith, Abbadon, and Dagon stood around. It had been chaos when the princes had came back from a run to Mexico and found their fourth dead on the ground. This just stunk of Hunters. Alastair was sure of it.

“They’re all dead.” Asmodeus finally said. “The Hunters have to be exterminated.”

“What do we do?” Ramiel asked.

“We slaughter them like the pigs they are.” Lilith hissed. She held Azazel’s favorite pistol in her hands. “I want to kill at least one of them.”

“Lil, just breathe.” Abbadon said. She looked at the others.

“Actually, I think it would be a fantastic idea to include the girls.” Alastair said. “They have a moral code. They’re not going to willingly shoot women. And they don’t have women in their group. It would be the perfect distraction.”

“Then let’s get ready.” Asmodeus announced. “I want the Hunters dead by the end of the week.”

Forever Tags: @anathewierdo @i-would-die-for-woodland-demars @dekahg @marvel-af @feelmyroarrrr @nanie5 @imboredsueme @gemini0410 @aiaranradnay @babypink224221 @mogaruke @xxwarhawk

Dean Winchester/Jensen Ackles  Tags: @luciathewinchestergirl @sheris532 @bobasheebaby @flamencodiva @bella-ca

This Life Tags: @soulslaststand @jamielea81 @caplansteverogers @becs-bunker @colie87

Supernatural Tags: @bandobsession98 @mrsdeanfuckingwinchester @fangirlsencyclopaediaofweirdness @ilovetardis @missihart23 @cloudyskylines @supernaturalwincestsblog @sams-serialkiller-fetish

[cloneslugs]

oh fuck u sent me multiple so demo/engie/medic/scout and also u can do the one i already sent

ty i love you

Demo

favorite thing about them

he’s super fun!!! but also really smart and caring and just an all around cool dude he’s like B) !

least favorite thing about them

this isnt about him personally lol but like official stuff(comics) lighten the fuck out of his skin and its like. dont

favorite line

i didnt even see this question when i first did this wtf but uh all his “i love you” esque lines are really excellent

brOTP

exclusing soldier lol!!! probably sniper or engie!!

OTP

soldier :’)

nOTP

besides scout & pyro & just like. looking at just the mercs no one really demo deserves love

random headcanon

he likes turtles a lot & just reptiles/amphibians in general just in a kinda neat/favorite animal type way nothing special, he gets around with engie and sniper and they all get drunk and they talk about cryptids, he has a super big heart he loves love, outside of the battlefield he’s pretty apprehensive and cautious moreso than lots of the others at least, he doesnt push himself to be it often just bc he doesnt like leaderly positions but he defo has one of the more valid voices of reason amongst all of them, he loves to help and just listen to people he’s always ready to offer you a drink and take a load off and just talk things out & he’s super chill and easy to talk to anyway, he comes off as really lazy but he can jump up and make do when he needs to

unpopular opinion

idk whats considered popular or not on here lol but like!! he’s not just stupid silly drunk man he’s actually got heart and is pretty intelligent & like probably one of the better off mercs if he wanted himself to be

song i associate with them (this is literally the worst question im so bad at this if i dont have lots n lots of searching time and also i forget all music ever)

cheap thrills - sia

favorite picture of them (sorry 4 bg edits im doing what i have on hand lol)

hes so fucking happy i love you!!!

Engie

favorite thing about them

he’s my fucking husband he makes my heart fucking soar!!! he’s a quiet little sweetheart and he’s just really smart and nice and has morals iusdahui

least favorite thing about them

fucking nothing you animals 

favorite line

all his fucking nerdy engineering lines are so fucking good ;____; he’s so smart and passionate god“i love engines! pinion shafts! flanges. mitigating shock loads. but most of all: i love winnin’!” “they won’t know what hit ‘em! though it’ll likely to be bullets. statistically speaking” theres more but im like ;___; just thinking about him ah

brOTP

medic babey!!!!!! i have a thing for shitty best friends that tire each other out (especially on one side) but love each other at the end of the day and are just ride or diepyro also but for completely different reasons :-)

OTP

spy is fucking excellent -.- dont @ me

nOTP

soldier lol (excluding pyro & scout)

random headcanon

i think all the mercs are autsitic but engie is one of my fucking fav ahhhhh, he and medic info dump for hours especially where their special interests overlap and it gets really boring if youre not one of them lol, he loves learning but he hated school so much ):, he has pretty bad anxiety but only under certain circumstance, he’s kinda jealous that spy gets to automatically be seen as a paternal figure bc of scout and he kinda wishes he could settle in like that but he also doesnt think he’d be very good at it for a very prolonged amount of time, he loves math!!!! he loves numbers a lot he associates it with lots of fun and colors and just !!!!! wow wow!!, he has really really really high empathy when it comes to machines and stuff, he loves dogs especially smaller ones, he really loves to fidget w/ tools and stuff bc he always has one on hand and theres lots you can do with some of them, he’s really lazy and has a hard time applying himself sometimes

unpopular opinion

the comics really brush him aside i need to see him more please for the love of god he’s just as interesting as anyone else also fat engie is the only valid engie & also soldier/engie is fucking forced and weird idk where it comes from except they wear hats lol & also people call engie short but if you dont make him 5′00 give or take 3 inches youre doing it wrong and i cant stand by it

song i associate with them

this is like. also a soldier song for me lol but Here I Dreamt I Was An Architect - the decemberists

favorite picture of them

ms pauling and medic!! his buddies :) also i just love the shadowboxers art

his fly costume makes me so ;___; i love you little man

also i hate to default to beard engie but this is literally the sexiest man alive

Medic

favorite thing about them

i have a thing for shitty men with halfway decent hearts but are trying(sometimes) okay like okay he’s so chaotic and bad but ;___; i love you

least favorite thing about them

this mostly applies to his Meet the vid but he comes off as really apathetic and cruel? i think in everything else he comes off as a bit nicer if not absentminded and not too socially aware which is :)

favorite line

bro when he warns heavy about that gun in the comix? gay rights U__U also the like “you can take the brain out of the criminal and put it in a pumpkin, but you cant take the criminal out of the brain in the pumpkin” or whatever shit sir i love you

brOTP

engie baby!!!! i also really like spy & sniper bc im weak for shitty support relationships i think med just works really good w/ everyone really in some way

OTP

heavy baby!!!

nOTP

all of the mercs are fine (excluding the usual lol) but like cHeavymed people are freaks die

random headcanon

he has really poor eating & sleeping habits he almost relies on everyone else to keep him alive, he’s autistic & he’s jewish but not really practicing, he pulls & tugs on things when he’s stressed, he’s actually really smart medically he just doesn’t like showing it/messing w/ people (it makes some of the smarter mercs nervous lol), when he gets bored & has nothing to play with he digs for drama he loves to start unnecessary arguments that have no value whatssoever, he’s scared of dogs, he only trusts sniper & maybe heavy to handle his birds if he were to die, heavy & archimedes are like mega comfort objects(?) for him !!, he’s kinda really bad at showing he likes/cares for people, this goes especially hard on engie ):, he has a really big sweet tooth, he cant cook, he doesnt ever censor himself and can be pretty rude, he’s an open book and has no sense of integrity, he got super attached to heavy right off the bat for seemingly no reason and it was just super awkward lol, he gets distracted really easily and drops projects too often when he gets bored/forgets, his room is a mess he doesnt know how to do chores, he’s trans and hasnt done anything to medically transition but he handles everyone on team who is 

unpopular opinion

he’s not a fucking sociopath lol like he has a heart and cares he just has a hard time differentiating right from wrong and doesnt think things out i love you

song i associate with them

this is my emo music time i keep changing this but im gonna go It Was A Swift Not A Swallow - Crywank

favorite picture of them

i cant pick between these two he’s saving his fucking boyfriends life & also the 2nd he just looks so peaceful and :)

Scout

favorite thing about them

he’s a sweet boy!!! he just wants friends and he’s stuck with a bunch of middle aged men we have to love his endurance also he’s a little baby faced menace i love you

least favorite thing about them

in the canon i ignore lol.. too straight we cant have that

favorite line

all his lines talking about how the group of them are all best friends and stuff??? i love that

brOTP

sniper !!!! also spy also everyone

OTP

no one really lol pyro is like. the only one im comfy w/

nOTP

sniper lol if we’re talking popular things & all the rest of the mercs really

random headcanon

he’s a super sweet boy who loves everyone on the team, he warmed up the fastest out of all of them and became super attached!!, he really wants a base dog, he really likes to spend time with everyone and listen to them talk like he loves sitting with engie and having him explain nerdy engineering nonsense that he’ll never get but he tries to but its just fun seeing how excited the other person is!!!, he became super close to sniper right off the bat for some reason which is weird bc scout can talk forever and sniper doesn’t know how to hold a conversation for more than 5 minutes but they like hanging out even if it gets tiring, he lives off of sugary drinks medic keeps telling him to stop, he loves to hang out w/ spy and they get on each others nerves but really enjoy it at the end of the day, he has little to no sense of boundaries, he loves to give hugs!!, he really tries to engage with everyone’s interests like i said he just loves making/seeing other people happy, he loves being part of big groups it always just feels like a big family to him

unpopular opinion

he gay :)

song i associate with them

the calculation - regina spektor

favorite picture of them

trans rights!!!

Soldier

favorite thing about them

he is a sweetheart he is my big stupid husband and we both love raccoons =.=

least favorite thing about them

the patriotism……  we arent having that

favorite line

he’s literally so fucking funny especially all his things w/ merasmus and just. everything

brOTP

excluding demo uh !!! SPY!!!! :D

OTP

demo :)

nOTP

engie x.x

random headcanon

he’s super sweet !!! he loves his friends so much, he loves to show off his raccoons to everyone :), he bonds w/ sniper over wildlife(raccoons), everyone has a lot of patience w/ him bc he struggles to communicate things a lot and kinda needs his time to get points across, he’s actually really observant and it would be really good if he just didnt jump to wild conclusions based off of it all the time, he’s really conscious of his actions and how they affect others like he’s kinda violent impulsively but hes taken note of who is and isnt okay with it or who’s okay w/ him saying what in front of them, he’s really protective of his friends!!! he knows theyre capable but he loves looking out for them, he loves to drag them off on fitness expeditions/training but he tires out before a good number of them/gets bored, he wakes up the earlies he loves the mornings, he can cook but nobody knows it, like scout he loves to indulge in what other people like but he’s more handson he loves to screw in screws for engie or hand medic tools or read out loud to spy or heavy or show sniper things he catches/turn over rocks with him, he loves medics birds but doc wont let him touch them ):, he wants to get a base dog too, he has no volume or tone control, probably the best hugger, he’s kinda shy about personal things like himself in general or being trans & liking guys he’s actually pretty decent at keeping personal things to himself not that he wouldnt share it just feels weird, 

unpopular opinion

he’s not just like shouty mean stupid man,,, he’s actually really sweet 

song i associate with them

rejoice- AJJ 

favorite picture of them

i have worse naked honey pics but this is fucking it lads gay rights

[tryingthisfangirlthing]

Love, I’ve Missed You In A Million Different Ways (How Is It We Keep On Writing Tragedies Together?) 3/14-ish

So this is part 3 of my @bering-and-wells-exchange gift for @dapperdorian. This section kept kicking my behind, and I wasn’t happy with it, and I wasn’t happy with it but I had a plan to follow. Then last Friday this idea bowled me over out of left field, and exploded, and, well. It’s not soft longing, more like love-hate if-things-were-different repressed wanting.

And warning for implied major character death.

3. She Would Have Given Everything

“I never want to meet you like this again,” Myka bit out, as she grabbed Helena's hand and jumped them both to the posh downtown lobby.

“Well, don't.” Helena lifted one shoulder. “But I'm not going to aside while this plague wrecks —”

“If you want to help, go back to your lab. You are not Batman! Or — Batwoman, or whoever. One of these days you're going to get yourself killed!” And her concern was very real. “And we need you.”

“That fictional, pouty, playboy Gary Stu? I should hope not!” Helena arched her eyebrows at Myka, and shook her head in disbelief. “Quite frankly, I’m offended that comparison even occurred to you.”

“Helena, you’re not super,” Myka hissed at her. “And you have —”

A loud crash rang out above them. Amanda lost the queen, Steve relayed.

On it. “Get out of here, and stay out,” Myka grit out, and jumped back to the 10th floor to search.

Higher than 10. Lower than 15. Closer to 15 than 10, judging by the volume of the ruckus. Coming higher, the screech of metal giving way under demonic claws. Elevator shaft. To confirm, she jumped several floors below, inside the shaft.

The breathless cold split second of everywhere and nowhere. Steeling herself against the rushing freefall, the crack of instinctual panic. Up, look up.

A forked tail, lashing out, snagged her hair. That was too close. Closing her eyes, she jumped again, without those strands.

Solid ground beneath her feet, no large, otherworldly presence. Definitely in the elevator, and climbing, Steve. Then she fell onto all fours, shaky and ungainly.

“Don't you dare talk to me about risking my life, when they need you just as much.” A fierce murmur in her ear, and a vial was pressed against her hand. “Drink.”

Myka opened her eyes just in time to see the swarm zipping up the avenue, Helena flinging a grenade through the doors into the middle of it. Flame burst through the cloud of insects, licking at wings and silencing snapping mandibles. The drones are here. First wave is dealt with, but I'm sure more are coming.

Copy. She could hear the frown in Steve's thoughts. We need to get these civilians out of here.

Shit. Why here? It wasn't a food source for them (like the nuclear power plant just outside of town) or on the dessert menu (the slaughterhouse just across the county line) or even a good nesting spot (no large, open yet enclosed spaces).

Better here than almost anywhere else.

Office complex on a Saturday afternoon… You have a point.

Helena gave you something. Take it.

You connected her, too? A miserable foreboding rose in Myka's throat. But that was Pete's forte, not hers.

Safer for everyone, was all Steve offered in return.

Myka uncorked the vial and drank. It didn't happen all at once, but her heartbeat slowed, a new energy crackling through her veins.

“What was that stuff?” She called across the lobby, as she straightened, rising, testing her knees.

“Just something I cooked up.” Helena didn't spare her a glance, alternating between eyeing the street outside and a flashing gadget on the marble floor by her feet.

“Yeah, I got that much.” She rolled her shoulders, checking for any aches.

“Well, I don't have the time to explain the various biochemical process involved,” Helena snapped.

“I was pre-med, you know. Before —” She couldn't find the words for — this madness. “Before.”

“I didn't know,” Helena said, softly, and Myka glanced at her to find that this was the thing that got her attention. A kind of sorrow flickered in her dark eyes, and Myka almost wondered if she was thinking, for the first time, about how her screw-up had affected everyone else.

“I was going to switch over to pre-law, though.” She brushed it off. Something wasn't quite right, that last jump... “Just didn't know how to tell my dad. You kind of saved me the trouble.” Because the last thing she needed was pity from Helena fucking Wells.

Helena nodded, slowly, her gaze wandering back to the now-beeping device at her feet. “I was a writer, before.”

“I know. Writer, inventor, physicist, all-around polymath.” Something in Myka's back clicked into place, and all her atoms lined up again — sans that shorn-off hair, she reminded herself, running the flat of her hand over the ragged curls. If she tried to reassemble more matter than was there…

You good to go?

“You did?” There shouldn't be that much surprise in Helena's voice, for someone once heralded as “the next Jules Verne or Anne McCaffrey.”

Yep. Where?

They were all huddled in a storage closet on the 7th floor, eight weekend workaholics, one with a kid. Steve was shielding them all from the creature’s senses for now, but the effort it was taking him slipped over their connection as well.

She jumped.

Her eidetic memory served her unspeakably well, in that she could look at a roomful of people and know exactly how to reassemble them. “Hold hands, please,” as she reached for Steve to one side of her and the nearest civilian on the other. “No disabilities or chronic conditions?”

“Asthma,” one person in the back piped up.

“All right, noted. Shouldn't be a problem.” Where to?

Mall on King and McAllister. It was a good three blocks away, but definitely out of any potential lines of fire. Myka drew on all of her focus, making sure she could feel every one of them, and jumped.

A tug, a weight on her core, as she pulled them all through spacetime. Head throbbing as she stumbled onto the sidewalk, relief flooding her as they all came through all right.

Steve tightened his grip, wrapping his other arm around her to keep her from falling.

“You all right?” It was almost startling to her his voice in her ear, after so often hearing it only in her head.

“I will be,” she muttered.

“Get back to Helena. She'll look after you while you rest up.”

“Where the hell are Amanda and Pete?” Why couldn't one of them babysit me?

Amanda and Pete are doing their damn best to contain that queen.

Fine.

So she sucked in a breath and, for the third time in what felt like as many minutes, she jumped back to that damn lobby.

— Nearly jumped straight into Helena, careened as she shifted her destination at the last moment, Helena's startled “oh!” loud in her ear. Helena's arms wrapped around her, as she came to rest back in reality again.

“We've really got to stop meeting like this.” Low, teasing, warm breath feathering over her ear.

Myka let herself sag forward. “Screw you,” she muttered.

“You're quite welcome to, some other time.”

I just learned way more about you two than I ever wanted to know.

Butt out, Steve! And she could practically feel the same sentiment emanating from Helena, though she couldn't hear her directly.

Kinda hard right now, sorry.

Helena guided her over to a red leather armchair, Myka dragging her feet one after another. At least she shouldn't be crucial to operations now, unless they needed a scout, or bait, or a distraction, or a split-second save. Again.

Myka bent over, resting her elbows on her knees and her head in her hands, hair falling in her face. Tried not to feel awkward about how sweaty and gross she was making this nice chair.

She heard Helena make some kind of round of the space, muttering to herself, occasionally British-cursing at some gadget or another. Myka focused on breathing and getting her presence of mind back together. “Do you have another of those pick-me-ups?”

“I wouldn't recommend downing two in a row. Just as a precaution.”

“Okay.” She lifted her head, to watch as Helena watched the exterior. A laptop balanced on the narrow reception desk, floor plan of the building on display, surrounded by sporadically flashing indicators of, something, and now Helena paid this more attention than the view through the glass doors. A flash-bang off too their left, building lights flicking off and on again.

“Don’t tell me it wrecked the wiring somewhere.” God, she was getting fucking tired. Both right now, and of everything.

“That was me. Experimental chain-lightning —” she caught Myka's look — “Basically a super-sized swarm taser. Or, attempt at one.” And she frowned at the screen.

“Great. You can knock them out. Now just jump this entire freakshow back off of our plane of existence already.”

“Yes, thank you, I’ve been working on that for the past six months already.” Annoyance crackled through her voice.

“Stopping every time there's even the faintest hint of an attack to go play Batman with us. Or really more Lois Lane.” Myka knew only the vaguest of comic book premises from Pete. “Or whoever the mad scientist is. Harley Quinn, maybe?”

“That is low.” Helena's voice shuddered.

“I Encountered Aliens From Another Dimension,” Claims Sci-Fi Author; The Secret Crackpot Side of Physics’ Once-Rising Star; Local Mother Institutionalized, Daughter Left In Uncle's Care; the headlines flashed across her memory, and she hung her head again. “You're right. I'm sorry.”

Helena hummed vaguely. It wasn't quite acceptance, but Myka would take it.

“Hopper, 10 o'clock.” Myka winced inwardly as its spines shattered window after window on its zigzag path through downtown, thirty feet above ground.

“Yes, I'm aware. How about you do your job and let me do mine?”

“Sorry,” Myka muttered. “Just trying to be helpful.”

“Well, you're not.”

“Besides, I wouldn't exactly call this your job.”

Can you cool it with the negative energies? Really making things difficult right now.

Myka braced herself against the loud crash upstairs, the way the entire building shivered with the massive impact. Then a loud kreee! and the creature fell to the ground outside, writhing on its back, screaming as it melted from its eight feet down.

“What — did you coat the building in something? Or has someone nearby recently discovered the power of carapace-melting acid shields?”

A wicker café chair across the side street burst into flames, and Helena swore.

“Is that going to melt through the cement?” It would be kind of impressive, if this stuff did manage that trick. It almost looked like it might, as the hopper's screams died down to a low gurgle.

“It shouldn't. It should only react with their exoskeletons but —”

“It is.” The last of the creature utterly dissolved, the acidic puddle was now carving itself its own little pondspace, sinking into the middle of the intersection.

A loud sigh. “That's what field tests are for.”

“Really? In the middle of the city?” Myka stood, outrage eating away at her. “You are utterly insane.”

Helena glared at her, and for a split second, Myka was glad those piercing eyes weren't super. “Oh, I'm sorry. Was I supposed to try to lure one out into the middle of bloody nowhere, and try to contain it, just to douse it in deadly acid, and hear from you, ‘Oh, how could you, Helena? Doing something so dangerous on your own! You're too important and we need you working to fix this reality tear you ripped open! Think about others for once!’” Her mimic was mocking, annoyingly accurate for this familiar argument.

Stop it! Fight later!

If Helena heard Steve, she gave no sign. “Myka Bering, my entire life right now is dedicated to mitigating the damage I've caused the best I know how, and I don't need to hear that sort of shite from you!”

She was trembling; they both were. In her peripheral, something burst into flames; a window shattered, smoking shrapnel landing on the entryway carpet.

Myka kicked at it, and found herself swaying on her feet. “You set up a minefield?”

“A perimeter, yes. For the moment.”

“How did you lug all this stuff here on short notice?” She hadn't helped, she knew. She rested her head in her hands again.

(“You're lucky,” she'd told Pete once. “Your powers don't leave you feeling like three-day-old roadkill afterwards.”

“Yeah,” he'd returned, “but I do spend like a billion dollars on tacos now. Besides, your powers are way cooler. I'm just a regular guy who can lift a bunch of stuff.”

Myka had surrendered to eating sugar, in frankly pathetic quantities, to combat the roadkill feeling the day after. But that wasn't something she'd tell anyone, not even her best friend.)

“I didn't.” As nonchalant as you please.

Myka looked up, narrowed her eyes. “What does that mean?”

“It means, I didn't do it on short notice.” Helena glanced at her, assessingly. “It means I set up what I hoped would be a lure for the queen here. And once she's gone, the rest should shut down.”

“And you didn't think to tell us?” Myka was striding across the room, reaching out to — to strangle her, probably.

She told me, Steve interjected, and Myka stilled. The queen showed up sooner than anyone expected.

Pete might as well have punched her in the gut. We're supposed to be a team, Steve.

“Because we all know how much faith you have in my work.” Helena's momentary smile was saccharine, sardonic.

She sucked in a breath, mind reeling like the colors of a kaleidoscope. “I think you're brilliant,” slipped out. “You've got no common sense, but you're a genius. You're, what, five years older than me? And you've found a whole other universe. Like something out of one of your books.” Helena was staring at her, lips parted, that melting gaze soft and shocked. “You're just so stupid, and — and selfish sometimes!”

Incoming! Myka!

She didn't think, just grabbed Helena and jumped.

But she didn't have some destination in mind, not even some instinctive concept of safe harbor. And now Helena was here with her, floating in this strange stillness that was everywhere and nowhere. I'm sorry, she tried to say, but there was no way to hear.

Like being thrown under a waterfall, she had no idea which way was up, air, reality. Stupid stupid, she'd been so tired, she hadn't thought — and wasn't that what she always accused Helena of? The thing she feared most in herself, the not thinking, the reason for rules... So stupid.

She tried to picture the lobby they'd left, tried to reach for any anchor.

There, that stupid blinking laptop, she could almost see it, and the ceiling plaster raining down, the claws and slobbering mandibles and gigantic five-eyed frilled head.

She pushed Helena away, through, pushed her to stumble onto that ragged red lobby carpet, and then Myka met the monster's claws.

It thrashed, resisted, but Myka yanked it with her, and then everything went black.

[fadeintothestarlight]

Every thing just kinda sucks.. (TW Suicide/Mental Illness/Drugs)

I'm really lost on what to do. Im pretty f*cked up and broken. Whoever I am right now, isn't me. I've always been told I have such a big heart and love people unconditionally, but my heart is basically stone now and I constantly am angry with people of which I assumed were my friends.

I got rid of Facebook, Facebook Messenger, Snapchat (basically most major social media apps) and all I'm left with is Tumblr and Instagram. Tumblr because people just get sh*t on here and I dont feel as lonely. Instagram was kept due to make up tutorials. Basically the only way to reach me is by text, and not very many people have my number.

Now I don't know if what I've done has made me feel less stressed or if I'm just isolating myself. But maybe its better I'm alone, my anger and hate is just getting worse. My paranoia and delusions are awful. I'm constantly hearing my name when no ones around, loud noises scare me more than usual, the shadow people constantly creep up. I literally feel like nobody likes me and everyone is just tolerating me. The only few people who have really stuck by my side through this sh*t show is my best friend Hallie, my sweetheart Austin, and my sister Hanna and her man. Honorable mention to my friends Eddie and Jessie who have tried to reach me, but I've just been too exhausted to talk.

I'm just really exhausted carrying all this negative energy. I haven't been this low and violent since I was a teenager. Im constantly punching sh*t and snapping on people. And it hurts. Every thing just hurts. I feel like I dont belong in this world anymore. I feel like everything's been a lie and feel like I was looking through rose colored glasses for far too long. The sad truth? All in all in the end you only have yourself. I have people who love me, but they'll never quite get what its like to be stuck inside my head.

And I'll admit it, I have a problem with drugs (primarily cannabis and Adderall) and drinking. Ive started mixing pills with my drinking just because I dont really care at this point what happens to me. Every night I pop at least a couple pills after drinking heavily and just hope and pray I just overdose on accident and don't wake up. But I've woken up every morning. I get dressed and go to work, yet another place I dont feel like I belong. I try to pretend to be happy and stable around my coworkers, and apparently I'm either a damn good actress or no one gives a f*ck. I dont feel like anyone on my team genuinely likes me. My paranoia makes me think they're all conspiring against me. I've had a veryyyy hard time lately making eye contact with people, I'm afraid if I do they'll see right through me and know suddenly what's going on.

I haven't attempted suicide in nearly 5 years, but every day I feel like just downing an entire bottle of pills with some vodka and not waking up. I don't want to wake up anymore. I'm just too tired to try. I want to cut every inch of my skin. I dont want to leave the house. I started taking my meds again, and I know they take time to really work, but I'm afraid I won't come back from this. Im too far gone. And I'm sick of people saying ill be okay and things will get better, when its been nearly 10 years since my first suicide attempt and I wish, I WISH I had just died as a teenager. I don't get what my purpose is. To suffer? Maybe.

All in all I'm typing this all out so its not locked away in me. I keep making personal posts so if I do die, people can read them and understand why I had to go. I love love love my support system. I love those I've kept close to me. And I'm so f*cking sorry if one of these days I snap and attempt suicide again and succeed. I really don't want to hurt anyone but at the same time, when will I finally stop hurting? Is life really all about suffering just to keep others happy? I feel like if I want to die, I should be allowed to go out on my own terms. But I cant get the image out of my head of Austin finding me unconscious. I know he'd fall apart.

So at the end of the day, should I stay or should I just go?