#goodness im so tired. i dont care if i have to drink meds i have to have a drink or im gonna be mad the entire evening.

[catcze]

Dont you just. Love. When people tell you “oh I’ll be done at this time can you pick me up then?” And then. And then. They keep you waiting in the parking lot for a whole hour and dont respond to your text. And when they show up they dont even apologize 😀 like. Ha ha. Okay. I totally didnt have plans that i also had to do. I’m totally not exhausted from work. Dont worry. What the fuck.

[heyitslapis]

thank the fucking Divine 😭😭😭🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏

[themothstoy]

i just need to... word vomit for a minute.

ive been so tired lately. im so drained all the time. ive been drinking monster again even though its not good for me and gives me nosebleeds. i havent been sleeping well. but i am being forced into the position as a caregiver for everyone i live with. i live with my grandparents and my disabled aunt. but i am also disabled and mentally ill, i am just comparatively the most abled person in the house. so i have been thrust without my choice into doing the grocery shopping, picking up prescriptions, helping with any chores or projects my grandpa has, babysitting my grandma. and im not mad about, my family cant help the factors that have lead to this. and my grandparents have said before they want me to have a life of my own and move out and do my own thing. but while im here im treated like a caregiver for all three of them. and maybe it wouldnt be so bad if i just needed to take care of one of them. but its all of them, they all need something all the time and are losing the ability to do things more and more so im having to take on more and more responsbility for the household. im only 22. i just graduated college. i dont even have a nice job yet. and i struggle a lot with taking care of myself. eating, showering, cleaning, seeing doctors, taking some of my meds. and i often end up only having the energy to help my grandparents and aunt and then have no energy to do anything for myself. and i plan on moving out but its scary. im worried about what my family is going to do without me. idk what the point of this was really aside from just needing to word vomit. todays been a hard day and its been a bad week so im just in general feeling pretty shitty. i love my family, but there are more abled people in our family that should be helping. and my grandpa could be doing more to prepare them for when i leave. and he could also be helping more himself because his mind is decently functioning but whatever. i just feel like my family is slowly becoming more and more dependent on me when im planning on leaving and i cant even take care of myself.

[katastrophic-n3vulaa]

the likelihood is no one cares, but im here to complain about my philosophy assessment.

so my school has a rule that the assessment notification needs to be given out at least 2 weeks before the due date, both hand-in and in-class assessments and assignments must abide by this

my philosophy teacher (who is AMAZING, but also the only philosophy teacher in the entire school, and he teaches elective philosophy and also ToK and other stuff for ~130 students, and my has 5 lessons a fortnight, each an hour long, and all the other students have that too, except 11 and 12s, who do more sometimes)

anyways, Dr. Hall is amazing but-

he mixed up the due date for my class' assessment w/ year 10s, so we got the notification 6 days from due date (tomorrow, 8/3).

but because he's amazing he halved the assessment. yay.

so all we needed to do was get references to answer a question we dont need to answer (yayayyayay)

the referencing was easy, and i did that all in class, but that was only the hand-in part of the assessment.

so the in-class bit is an evaluation of research methods and then what we call doing an OPVL of a source (origin, purpose, value, limitations)

ok- i'm good at opvls. but. what if words arent working tomorrow? so yeah.

we also get to take in the article that we are going to do the opvl for physically, but the printers have gone to shit, and also- the asshole that wrote the one i decided to do the opvl on (my other options were uni ads or some dude.) used SO MANY big and dumb words. like-ok. sure. i could just try and glue the meanings in my head overnight, but some days i dont remember to eat or drink so theres no way that'd work. so i put all the definitions in too. the problem is that the formatting on word is shit and a massive pain, so i just... copied the article into ao3 to get rid of all the unnecessary formatting (yay braincells)

but it also got rid of the formatting i wanted. :(

anyways so i redid all the formatting and definitions.

then i did my opvl on the side, but bc im basically incapable of doing notes that fuction as NOTES i pretty much did my entire opvl. which.

isnt allowed.

but im too tired now so imma edit it down in the morning. i hope.

see the masterpiece that looks depressingly short and i wish it looked like more but it doesnt so just know the struggle of doing this without adhd meds bc i had shit on in the afternoon:

(top block of text is the evaluation of research in actual notes that is incorrect bc all i did was google and scroll for ~20 minutes but i cant say that its bad marks. the left blocks of text in the left section-bit is the article. the bits on the right are the opvl. no idk why i posted this either.)

[toxooz]

bro i feel so bad for you having to work so soon after getting your wisdom teeth out :( i hope you don't have to talk to many people at your job otherwise you'll probably be fuckin McDead by the end of your shift

may your recovery be swift and completely uncomplicated and may we all witness the total death of capitalism sometime this year <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

THANK YOU honestly feel like week old road kill lmfao but luckily i dont gotta worry abt work today bc we finished the job yesterday otherwise i would've had to work today too which would've SUCKED but its mainly heavy lifting and trying to yell over i n d u s t r i a l n o i s e s is the issue but thank god its over now cause i got the next 3 days off bc of holiday😭 had a headache that felt like baboons mercilessly beating my head in my sleep for 2 days from having to push myself while having little to eat bc my appetites' been shot (i think bc of the meds tbh??) ive been trying to be on granny mode and eat a little here n there and sleep 👍 hell even just abt everyone in my life is already expecting me to go to all these stupid plans like picnics and parties and SWIMMING??? idk how many fukkin times I've had to tell them i can even eat anything 'real', i caint smoke or drink soda or do anything physically straining bc bitch im tired and weak and quite frankly not in the fukkin mood!!! but they're still just like 'oh yeah i forgot :( anyway so you wanna do this this n this??? :)'' and im justtttt

like literally all i want is to be left tf alone for like 2 weeks that's all i need!! and ppl are already on my ass after not even 2 days of getting that damn surgery unbelievable its just frustrating the level of 'i dont Actually care abt u or your health' vibes that im getting maybe im just a cranky bitch cause im hungri and looped up from pills but DAMN ppl Gotta leave me alone and let me simmer in my cave in peace it ain't that hard but ANYWAY today I'm stayin home and doin what i want (probably for the next 3 days honestly im pointing a shotgun at anyone who dares drag me outa my apt lmfao) and relaxing so todays a pretty good day lmfao BUT thank u for your concern!!!! I'm doin alright recovery wise everything seems to be healing decently aside from my dumbass gnashing my teeth in my sleep lmfao the swelling is going down and the pain is just a dull ache tbh so aside from the bitchin im doin good! 😂

[midnighteloquence]

um

i actually dont know where im going to with this rant im just gonna type my emotions til im bored (tw: small mention of sh, suicide, mentions of drugs, depression i think??, relationship talk at some point)

recently ive been more tired and more burned out and sad. i dont know why, maybe its my lack of sleep, maybe uts other factors, but ive just been really depressed. not to the point of cutting again, to the point where im just apathetic towards everything. also C at some point texted me checking up on me and telling me to sleep to “remove the sad”. i got confused and asked why, and they said they were scared of me killing myself. am i really that obvious?? they talked about how tired i looked, how sad i looked, the scars on my arms. they talk alot about how i wont open up or talk about what im going through. no matter how many times you critique me for not opening up im still not gonna fucking do it, sorry to break it to ya. why? because im fucking scared. im scared because what if you laugh? what if you dont even care? what if you say some shit like “real” or “me fr” like you always do? i dont want to open up to you or anyone because of those factors.

recently ive been feeling more and more suicidal. ive been rummaging through the pill cabinets in my house, ive been keeping blades in my school bag and around my room, ive searched up ways to kill myself. ive been more and more tempted to write a note, to save just in case i actually do it. i think the only things holding me back is the fear of after death and my family’s reaction. i dont want my mum to cry because i was stupid enough to kill myself. i dont want to leave my brother alone. i dont want them to have to clean out my room. im scared of something that isnt finite, which is why im so scared of death. if there is an afterlife, you have to stay there infinitely. if there isnt, its pitch black infintely. infinite scares me, commitment scares me. its why im not dead

most days i feel like sleeping or bedrotting til morning. other days i feel like trying to find meds in my house that can give me some sense of euphoria. i want to feel a sense of floating. but none of the things in my house provide that feeling.

i dont feel anything from caffeine. its not even that ive grown a tolerance to it, its just that ive had a high tolerance from the start. maybe its because of my dad, since he drinks alot of coffee. i cant feel energised from anything, it sucks. why cant i feel anything over than sheer exhaustion?

and im not even sure if i want all of it to end, because who am i if not ill? if im not ill i have nothing to prove to people, i wont be able to talk about my problems anymore because id be fine.

i feel like all of my friends are going to leave me. its just a huge, lingering feeling thats been there for years. my friends would be better off without me, im not a good person anyways. im not enough, im not pretty enough or smart enough or talented enough or funny enough, my personality is a bore, i dont talk about anything thats remotely interesting, im overall not good enough. they all know that, i know they all know that. they probably have a groupchat without me, to talk about what i said, and talk about leaving me. So why dont you? leave me, ill kill myself and make you regret leaving me while im suffering (this is over exaggerated sorry)

i like this guy but tbh i dont know what itd be like to date him yk? like i would love to date him, but imagining a romance is sort of, impossible i guess? plus idek if he likes me back or if hes just messing with me, and idk how to ask.

also C kept on talking about how id like to make out with him, which ew. not every person with romantic attraction wants to make out with people. some people want emotional intimacy, devotion, the ups and downs of relationships. sure, physical affection is a thing you can experience in a relationship, but its not the only thing. jesus, all relationships have been dumbed down to is sex and kissing and im sick of it. why cant i have a partner to have every aspect of a relationship? to explore our likes and dislikes, to talk about things we havent shared before, to be emotionally committed, to give and receive, to show sympathy, to love a person.

sorry ik i went from suicide to relationships but at this point im just ranting about things on my mind

ive just grown tired of everything, im so apathetic. every day is blurring together, everything goes by so quickly. im turning 14 this year, I thought i was still 10, playing roblox endlessly with my friends while the world spirals into chaos. but no, im a teenager who spends all her goddamn time on her phone talking about how much she wants to kill herself. im scared of growing up to quick, of growing up at all. what if im an even worse person in the future? what if i dont get accepted to that one uni? what if everyone’s disappointed in me? i dont want to grow up this fast. i remember 4 years ago talking to my dad about how much i wanted an account on youtube, and him saying that i had to be 13. i said that it’d take forever, and he said that time would fly really fast. he was right, i picked my gcse options a couple weeks ago, this academic year has flown by so fast. i dont like it

i fear that im not the person my parents want me to be. i listen to music 24/7, my grades arent as good as they could be, im moody and spend my time in my room. i barely take part in my hobbies anymore, im just a mess. im so disappointing.

i ran out of topics so ill end it there, good night everyone (one person)

[sereniv]

its so hard to find the balance of being informed and knowing whats happening, and focusing on my mental stability.

bc on one hand no matter what i do it feels like i cant just block it all out. it feels wrong. and i mean block everything. as in ignoring every post, not reading anything thats going on in palestine. or any other place

to just pretend like its not happening is not something I feel comfortable doing even if it might help mentally. but i dont even think id be able to

i dont need to see the videos or the pictures or read graphic summaries. and that is enough, is to even do the bare minimum

but even the bare minimum feels like too much.

and lately no matter how much i distance myself from it all its already in my head

and sometimes it feels like im off my pills. when i used to have strong delusions of reality being a simulation or of being watched etc

paranoid delusions and shit like that

like when i say i feel like im going insane i literally feel it. it feels familiar. but worse in a lot of ways

like i know what is happening is real but i can barely comprehend it.

i know what i see is real but through a lense its easy for my brain to just be confused at what im seeing. or hearing.

its a simialr feeling to when we read about the holocaust in school and when i saw pictures and read personal accounts.

i knew that it was real, it felt real to a point, but its like it didnt feel real in a way like so shocking that it causes dissociation

and like im doing the most i can do for myself. because theres no ignoring everything bc i already know its happening.

and now i have to manage my psychosis that im keeping at bay. and then ofc on top of that taking care of my grandma and both pets

amongst other things

i havnt felt this bad in a long time.

luckily i have stuff to distract myself but its like

always on in the background of my mind. it feels so claustrophobic like i want to break things

its hard to keep the right mindset and not just blow up at people, or to be 'reactionary'. which, i mean emotions first thoughts second.

its hard to push that down and act appropriately and normally. and to actually be able to think about what im saying

like its so hard to not cry or dream about this stuff. and like weed doesnt even help, and theres no way im going back to drinking

so its like i just have to raw dog the emotions.

idk maybe ill try edibles again, bc the smoking just isnt good for me

i just hope at least my grandma is able to get out of pain bc im getting so stressed im starting to think about adopting my pets out again just to be able to function

having to take misha out every 20 minutes fucking sucks. having to feed them sucks. having to take her out and scoop and to scoop cowboys cat box sucks

and im not getting enough sleep but at the same time somehow getting too much sleep

and then my tablet needing a replacement

and my room is a mess and trying to keep the dishes clean but they pile up every few days

and then just wanting to enjoy something like food and all im eating is gluten and its making me physically ill and in pain and tired

im dehydrated bc i drink at most an 8 oz glass of water a day, but on average a cup

which makes my muscles weak, im having trouble breathing

somehow im keeping it together

luckily im back on my meds

my grandma could die soon when she gets surgery and i really hope that doesnt happen bc i can not handle that rn at all

its just too much

also going to turn 31 this month when it feels like i turned 30 just a handful of months ago

so idk how i feel about that

i just feel physically sick rn. i should be sleeping but my sleep schedule is fucked up so i dont end up sleeping until like noon or 7am

[doodlboy]

Now you may be wondering: "hey Elliot, did you stay up until 4am playing stardew val-"

YES

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

tw neglect/abuse, abandonment, mom, drugs

im currently going through trauma right now and i was wondering if you had any advice. im just kind of tired of hearing from doctors and therapists and people who have no understanding of my situation.

uhm basically im 17 (just turned in january) and ive been off and on homeless and its wrecking my mental health. im back with my mom currently but the past month ive been moving around from place to place fighting with cfs and trying to find a place to live. im trying to be passive with my mom but with everything going on my mental health is just a wreck and i dont really feel comfortable talking to her. i don't know if this is enough info sorry, i dont feel like giving more details. i just dont know what exactly im gonna do and im tired of all the energy im putting into everything. i try to cope with drugs but i only really have access to nicotine and alcohol (which interacts badly with my meds)

i know im turning 18 in a year but im tired of hearing that. i know how things will be once im 18 and im just waiting for that, but i really just need to get through right now and im kinda struggling with the stress of it all. all i really want is just to hear something if there is anything to help me get through this.

thank you and i appreciate so much your time. regardless of what happens i hope you have a good day

Hey there,

Here are coping skills. Try grounding when you feel anxious, overwhelmed, or dissociated. Create a self care box.

Make sure you're taking care of your basics. Eat regularly and well, drink a few cups of water a day, exercise, and practice self care. Here, here, here, and here are guided sleep meditations. Here are some breathing exercises. Practice these even when you’re feeling regulated so it comes easier when you're not.

I just want you to know that you deserve a safe, comfortable place to live now, and I'm sorry things are so difficult.

This has been in our inbox for a few weeks, so we're opening it up for followers' input as well.

[aviesnapkindoodles]

Hiya!!!

Just dropping in to say sorry for not sending anything recently, my social battery has been very very low and interacting with anyone in general was tiring- but anyways!

Here to tell you you're a wonderful person, who's very very sweet and persistent (seriously, I think if I was under as much stress as you have been the past like, month, I would've crashed weeks ago) and creative and just shdgfjsgfjsgfbdhfhfh all around you're fantastic and ngl you inspire me to try harder but anyways!! Not the point!

The point is you're incredible and ily /p

Reminder to take care of yourself; drink water, take any meds you need to, eat something, sleep if you can, take a break, move around a bit, etc.

Love ya lots!! 💜💜💜💜💜 /p

no no no you’re good ! social stuff can be very stressful yeah ive been trying to take breaks myself

and awwww ;;-;; yeah im like this -><- close to crashing and awww i dont think youve ever seen me create anything and awww ;;-;; i inspire you to try harder brb crying

aww ily2 <3 <3 /p

yes i actually forgot my meds this morning but my adhd meds are out so its just my like 3 anti-anxiety/depressants and anti-funnel cake babies meds and yes !

love you lots !! <3 <3 /p

[satorou-s]

MEAT IS GOD | zombies au

“I’m so fucking tired of stale beef jerky.”

“WE STILL HAD THAT?!”

zombie apocalypse au

i have been dreaming about this for days, i may as well write it

warnings: might be shitty, don’t hate on me

this is gonna be pretty long, so buckle up and grab a drink

it’s the start of a new decade and the world is swept by a deadly virus that causes the dead to start walking

crazy shit man

a month into the apocalypse, daichi crosses paths with med student sugawara and architecture grad asahi, they decide to team up because a small group is better than being all alone in this world

a week later, they hear a loud ass “SHIT” coming from an alley and comes across nishinoya trying to fight off 3 of the undead all by himself ,,, the men [muscle emoji muscle emoji] decides to help - because sir suga said they should - and lo and behold, welcome noya to the group

noya tells them about the people he was staying with in an apartment complex, his childhood friend tanaka and his wife, shimizu [rio needs to add heart eyes here but she’s too lazy to] 

daichi decides OK YALL ,, LEZGO

now we have the group of: daichi, suga, asahi, noya, tanaka and shimizu

their ultimate goal is to get to the countryside where asahi’s family has a farm and hopefully, there wouldnt be as much zombies (or zombos as tanaka and noya calls them), and they’d have ~crops~

enter: star child, IWAIZUMI HAJIME

THIS MOTHERFUCKER

suga remembers this dude from one of his pre-med courses and here he is swinging a machete against FOUR ZOMBOS AND HE HANDLING THEM SO WELL

wow his muscles

iwaizumi got his hair tied back with a red bandana as a headband, he’s got a tanktop and an unbuttoned top on, cargo pants ,, boots ,, has this wrist band and ,, he looks so delicious man

ne way ,, so the group + iwa head off to the countryside yeehaw

they come across an enclosed camp

“YALL GOTTA STAY WHERE YOU ARE”

where the fu c k is that voice coming from

they look up and on the water tank we got OIKAWA TOORU WITH A FUCKIN RIFLE AND SHIT

he highkey the best shot with that shit in this camp

“YO WE AINT TRYNA PICK A FIGHT” they said

“SO DROP THE FUCKIN WEAPONS” oikawa says

“ITS LITRALLY A FUCKIN CROWBAR BITCH LET US IN”

“okay”

the big ass gates open, and there we have (cue angel music)

ushijima wakatoshi, kita shinsuke and bokuto koutaro

bokuto introduces themselves as 1/2 of the council in charge of the camp

there’s a council ?? yes

in the council, we have ushijima and kita who are in charge of the farm (the livestock and the crops ,, ushijima has a favorite chicken)

oikawa is in charge of border patrol ,, he’s fuckin deadly with that rifle and his accuracy on that thing is A++ 20/20 vision

bob the builder? we dont know him. we only know bokuto the builder he highkey be the dude who built most of the camp, the farms, repairs the gate, UGH LOVE THAT FOR HIM

we have a kuroo tetsuroo in charge of training, and supply runs ,, he knows which pads and tampons the women in the camp need ,, HIGHKEY

yaku is the mans in charge of the newbies, and speaking of ,, WELCOME TO THE CAMP TOUR

the whole camp is surrounded by fence walls, there are four posts and two main gates (west and south), there are tents in rows on the east side of the camp, and a row of outhouses (that bokuto built) and porta potties beside the main building, where people keep stocks n inventory by the north wall ,,, the whole west and south are mostly farm areas and where ppl park their vechiles

hopefully yall can imagine that

everybody in the camp has jobs to do

daichi and noya were put under kuroo for supply runs ,, noya is a quick boy and daichi is SMART wow they’re PERFECT FOR THIS

sugawara became the medic of the camp ,, their old medic died on a run so suga coming into the camp was basically a god sent ,, he also does inventory checks (with this dude named tsukishima kei who DIDNT sign up for the job but he does it anyway)

asahi does border patrol (coz wow imagine those thicc arms with a rifle in hand ,, DELICIOUS) he also helps bokuto in repairing and building things for the camp ,, their current project is another table for the mess hall/dining area :D

shimizu was put in to help care for the children in the camp ,, she sorta became a teacher and helps this girl yachi and this dude akaashi in teaching the kids basic education (because even in a zombie apocalypse, these children should kNOW HOW TO READ AND WRITE)

tanaka was put into farm work

a few months later, people started to get real sick in the camp ,, LIKE ,, season 4 of the walking dead type of sick where a fever can kill you and turn you into a zombo

suga is running out of antibiotics and ushijima’s medicinal herbs arent enough (yes he grows a herb farm)

noya nd kuroo goes out on a supply run to look for pharmacies to raid

lo and behold in one of these pharmacies they find a hinata shoyo and a kageyama tobio camped out in the back office

noya and kuroo brings them back to the camp with the medicine yay

hinata is a med student (noya showed off how it was him that helped look for the right kinds of antibiotics in the pharmacy) ,, kags is hinata’s annoying dorm mate

kageyama rolls into the camp with a rifle on his back and they ask if he’s any good with it yes he’s quite good ,, they put him under oikawa’s care

oikawa’s quite hesitant to teach this kid with the sharp and mean eyes but he does it anyway #SupportOikawa

tagging: @pretty-settersquad​ - @himbokutos​  - @akaaaashit​

with contrib from: @bord-y​ & @fitriiaw​ for the inspo

you guys are free to add on with what you think :> | also im sorry for not writing all of the characters into this but it will make the post longer than it already is | feel free to share how you’d see your fave characters in this au :0

[lunavadash-creates]

Hello there! It's your favorite Knifey of all knifeys.!

Sorry for lack of response but.. but what. I dont know if it's because of vaccine, but I'm exhausted lately. I could sleep all day and all night. My concentration doesn't exist anymore. And yes, vaccine knocked me out! My hand didn't hurt to be honest, but I had high fever and migraine. I got blood test to see if there is anything wrong, but the results are good. I have no idea what's going on. 😐

How are you Sweetie? Did you have proper rest after your trip? Tell me how it was! What did you see! Tell me everything!

I was thinking about words you said. That adventures starting in a secret are the best ones. You were right. When I got my dog I was trying to hide my allergy for almost 4 month! I was determined to have a doggo, so I have been talking my friend's meds for allergy as she is hardcore allergic. I admit, it was stupid and irresponsible, but definitely it was worth all the risk!

Haha, yes, I was in Venice and in Florence and other Italian cities. I just love travelling! It's not I am from wealthy family or something, I am not. I have no savings, because I spend all my money on traveling. I was working for 3 month everyday for 12-13 hours in a pub so I could spend half month in South Korea. Dealing with all those creepy and drunk men was also worthy!

And I just wanted to say you are the sweetest! Your messages always make me smile! Always! Thank you so much for all your encouraging words! They make me feel better! Your messages, your writing, everything.! I love to check your blog, I love content you share with your followers. And you deserve all the support! Please don't change, you are wonderful and so asdfghjkllove!💕

Sorry for all mistakes and grammar, my brain doesn't want to cooperate.

Loads of love! Take care of yourself or Altair will be highly disappointed if you don't! And me too.!

🔪

Dont worry about response! Its worth waiting to see your message in my inbox! And I get it, vaccines are scary and you never know how it will make you react. For example i had jj vaccine my hand hurt for like 5 days but except from that i was fine! So if you feel exhausted just rest, drink water, eat something tasty. Im happy you are not so much more safer! I hope you'll feel better soon, please keep me updated!

Ah as for me... I have health problem again. My leg suddenly got swollen almost 3 weeks ago and now it hurts a lot so I cant walk. I already have usg of veins and x-Ray but it showed nothing so tomorrow ill call another doctor and make appointement.

Fortunately my trip was amazing! What I saw? Well I love museum so we went to musaum of torture and museum of sex toys. Honestly the second one was my fave - the have sex toys from all around the world and from different periods. Like they have full bdsm equipement and shoes and ancient roman prostitutes (u know, the ones that left foot print on the ground with words 'follow my foot steps'). It was so amazing! I also saw charles university, charles bridge, rose gardens, cafhedrals and all amazing places. I also was in metro! (there is 1 line of metro in my country and its in the capital). I also had Czech McDonalds which is so tasty! And for the first time in ny life i was in a vegan/vegetarian restaurant and i truly liked the food!

As for adventures. It was my firdt. I love traveling but unfortunately i have no friends to travel with. So I used to travel with family and prague was my first, alone travel abroad to visit a friend. I hope i can do it more often because world has so much to offer. And you know what? Our lives are so short there is no point of wasting them on being afraid to risk!

YOU WERE IN SOUTH KOREA?! I ENVU U SO MUCH GOOD GODS. Knifey you are such a role model for me 🥺💜 i want ti be as brave as you. And hard working as you.

Tell me everything please?

Also doggy! Yes, hiding allergy wasnt the smartest move but im glad you are fine (you are, right?). I hope you can fight thst allergy and enjoy floofy companions!

One again thank you for your kind words and support. Honestly I want to change a bit, i need to go back to who i used to be in terms of working. I cant focus on stuff, i cant make myself do things i love. It tiring, you know? I used to read one book a day. Write a lot and a lot of fiction and my own stories. I used to study Japanese fir fun, writing all the signs and trying to remember them. Now I feel like a wreck that cant concentrate. But I will work hard to become a better person so I can post more! And I wish to make more people happy. You know whag is for me the biggest achievement? When people say i managed to make them smile/laugh and something i made made them happy. Your messages give me so much positive energy! Thank you again!

You asked for pictures so here is astronomical clock, president Palace and a rose from rose garden!

[julesnadri]

long distance and little space !!

***strictly sfw, nonsexual age regression. if your blog is not 100% sfw DNI***

taking care of a baby can be very very difficult when they live far away!! even though i hate not being able to cuddle my princess 24/7 there are lots of ways to have a completely happy and healthy relationship with your baby when you live far apart!!! 

- call every night !!! my baby falls asleep over facetime with me every night!! that way i can make sure she doesn't have bad dreams and that she gets to bed on time!! 

- we write for each other and ill record myself playing music on my ukulele and guitar while singing and ill send her the videos!! since we’re both creative people we do our respective hobbies over facetime and its almost like we’re sitting in the same room!!!!

- we have a family calendar app that allows us to set reminders and set checklists for each other!! the one we have even lets you set cute backgrounds and choose your color scheme! 

- zepeto is another app that we use !! we both created little people and then we can have them take pictures together!! it’s the closest we can get to taking pictures together and it can be v v cute !!!

- sending each other things !! my baby just mailed me one of her hoodies and a ring to match hers !! soon im going to mail her one of my flannels and a little mouse i sewed just for her with a cute fabric that she picked out !!

- some bigger things too, plans!!! we’re planning to meet irl for the first time in a few months, and then we’re also planning to get married eventually!! talking about how sweet it’ll be when we’re finally together forever is very very nice !!

- know what meds ( if any ) your baby needs to take on a daily basis, and then other meds for pain relief ( cold medicine, pain killlers, tummy meds, etc. ) if your baby needs to take over the counter meds have them send you a picture of the label so you can make sure they're taking the right dose!!!!

- encourage them to take care of themselves, hygiene, mental health, and physical needs!! make sure theyre staying hydrated and that they eat enough!!  if your little has / had an ED this is especially important!! make sure theyre getting enough fruits and veggies and protein !! be aware of any allergies they may have and help make sure they dont come in contact w any of them!!! make sure they shower and brush their teeth and get dressed in cute clothes that make them feel good !! remember to tell them how precious and adorable they are !!!! 

- be aware of how tired they are and how much sleep they need !!! because my baby’s nighttime schedule varies a bit, and sometimes she works late or is out late with friends, we dont have a set bedtime. we always call when she gets home, and so we’ll talk for a bit and ill pay attention to how tired she is, also accounting for if she needs to wake up the next day!!!

- luckily, my sweet girl is very very good to me and never ever disobeys, so i haven't set any punishments for her, and if she does ever do anything she shouldnt ( say bad words, watch scary shows, read big kid books, etc. ) i can almost always simply explain why shes not supposed to do those things ( give her nightmares, make her upset, etc ) she tends to understand and steer clear of those things!!! if your baby tends to be a little more wild and mischievous, you may find yourself needing to set punishments, but remember what things are off limits !!  never take comfort items, such as music, stuffies, a tv show that always calms them, a paci, etc. this will only upset them, not teach them anything. no inflicting pain, nothing sexual. examples of safe punishments: a good lecture, an early bedtime, losing dessert for a day, something short term and not unreasonable !!! 

- remind them how much you love them, shower them with compliments and attention as often as possible !!!! especially if your baby is cuddly, long distance can be very hard if they’re upset or in pain!! have them cuddle stuffies!! wrap up v v tight in blankets!!! wear the softest, warmest, comfiest clothes!! drink some juice / milk / preferred little drink !!! go through a mental list of everything that makes them happy when theyre in little space and talk them through it !!!!! 

im still pretty new at being a caregiver, but feel free to dm me if you need a hand !!!! 

- jules <3 <3 <3 

[wennjunhui]

seventeen hospital au

im back at it again with another random seventeen post bc nurse!jun is ruining me :)))))

disclaimer: the most i know about hospitals and how they work is from chicago med so dont expect this to be accurate 

seungcheol

attending physician in the ed

kinda intimidating but is really a huge softie

but don’t make him angry bc that is not a good idea at all

always seen with a protein shake

tends to hover over the new med students a lot

partially because it’s important to evaluate them and their knowledge

but most because he thinks its funny when they freak out around him

always asks for a psych consult even when he knows its not necessary

bc its totally in the best interest in the patient and not because hes bored and wants to talk with his bff nahhh

has a long term girlfriend that works as a software developer

everyone in the ed tryna get him to propose bc ITS BEEN 9 YEARS DAMMIT WIFE HER ALREADY

jeonghan

psychiatry fellow

usually works night shifts because hes sleeps schedule is fucked 

functions on coffee and coffee alone

is constantly Tired

catch him napping in the break rooms whenever he has time

originally wanted to go into psychology, but he gets too invested and thought it would be better to maintain short term relationships

bffs with seungcheol, but bffls with joshua

by the off chance he’s not tried, he’ll go around the ed and tease the doctors and nurses

hes in the ed a lot tho bc someone keeps calling him even tho “he literally just sprained his ankle seungcheol why am i here”

joshua

plastics fellow

fucking loaded

pulls up to the ed in a fucking gold ferrari and just shrugs when people ask about

‘yeah i got it as a birthday gift, treat yourself ya know?’

born and raised in the us, but went to south korea to further his studies

bffls with jeonghan

by GOD the chance theyre in the same room, its game over for everyone

his surgery playlist is fucking wild 

did a heartbreaking ballad just finish playing? oh thats sad but move over its britney bitch 

always brings a guitar to work parties

‘if you sing sunday morning one more fucking time-’ proceeds to sing sunday morning ‘GODDAMMIT JOSHUA’

is seeing the cute hotel concierge that works a few blocks away 

junhui

the Hot Nurse

literally all the patients fucking swoon 

kinda makes patients nervous bc of how handsome he is

ok i’ll stop now

occasionally scrubs in as a surgical nurse for minghao

he pretends to be all cool and hot shit in front of patients, but when hes around staff he turns into a giant bright ball of excitable fluff 

will always be asked to be assigned to kid patients bc he loves kids

studied abroad in korea and decided he loved it there so he stayed

may or may not have a crush on someone in the hospital but shh no one knows except jeonghan and minghao

has no problem calculating correct dosages but cant do basic math for the life of him

‘no junhui, 7+8 does not equal 17′

soonyoung

senior resident in the ed

HYPEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!111!!!!111

works night shifts bc otherwise the ed would be dead without him

probably drinks too much redbull for his own health

his favorite treatment room is treatment room five because “that’s where a patient peed on me on my first day here”

“ok soonyoung good to kno”

“no problem”

not very tech savvy 

always manages to fuck up the tablets somehow every shift

for the love of GOD dont let him near an xray machine

also never assign him and seungkwan on the same patient they will accomplish nothing 

has taken chan under his wing

wonwoo

neurology resident

blind as fuck

harry potter glasses for days

looks really cold on the outside but is really just a huge fucking dork

like actually he laughs and jokes about anything and everything

neurology can be dark sometimes yo and humor is a great way to cope with it

that and gaming

half the reason why he cant see is bc he spent too much time playing video games growing up

still kinda does but he gets away with it

accompanies soonyoung on the night shift bc he knows soonyoung gets lonely sometimes

plays ballads in the surgery rooms because it helps him keep calm

jihoon

pathology resident

‘forget working with humans hAVE YOU SEEN THIS BLOOD CULTURE ITS COOL AS FUCK’

that being said, he hangs around the break rooms a lot because being cooped up in pathology is just tiring sometimes and he needs actual people to talk to

but mostly its so he can draw on jeonghans sleeping face

shares a flat with soonyoung bc rent is expensive yo

usually has the best tunes down in pathology 

originally wanted to go into music, but school kinda killed his enjoyment of it for a long time

is slowly getting back into and finding his joy in it again

he knows too many stories about the ed that hes forced to listen to

“for the last fucking time soonyoung i dont care about how your patient threw up on seungkwan”

“okokok but`”

“no”

seokmin

ed resident wanting to specialize in pediatrics

SUNSHINE AND HAPPINESS AND SMILES EVERYWHERE

wow literally everyone in the ed is in love with him a teeny tiny bit

because he has such a bright and positive aura around him that its hard not to feel happy 

sings to the smol children if they get scared 

everyone always asks him to sing at work parties and he kills it every time despite being initially shy

“wait wait wait you were in a rock band in high school???”

has a crush on the ed secretary out front

its so fucking cute the rest of the ed ships them so much

sometimes he doubts himself and his skills and that makes his day very sad

but everyone in the ed is in love with him and will constantly be there to remind seokmin about how amazing his is and how much he deserves to be here

and thatll make his day better c:

mingyu

ed resident

the Hot Doctor

wow everyone has a crush on him even if you dont you do

pray for the patients that get assigned to both mingyu and jun your in for a visual attack

tho the facade for mingyu usually breaks after a minute of meeting him

clumsy af yo

once knocked over the patients entire tray of food because his limbs were longer than he remembered

sometimes forgets to put on hand sanitizer and seungcheol always yells at him about

from the other side of the ed “MINGYU, HANDS”

“THANKS HYUNG”

always brings his own lunch bc hospital foods shit and he makes better food at home 

sometimes brings in cookies for the staff in the break room

theyre usually gone within an hour

minghao

trauma and emergency medicine fellow

TALENTED

was personally scouted by hospital officials in china

really young to be such an expert in his field

also his hands are really sensitive to abnormalities in the human body so he feels out the situation and catches the situation really early

is kinda intimidating because of his rbf and takes no shit approach

but is really super soft and fluffy once not in a work environment

relied on jun a lot in terms of adjustment here in korea, and he’s probably closest to him in the ed 

has jun scrub in with him for surgeries sometimes

objectively has the best surgery playlists

from pink floyd, to an obscure japanese indie rock

bickers with mingyu a lot of proper treatment of patients

usually theyre both right tho they just cant communicate effectively

is secretly seeing another chinese surgeon from plastics, but they hide it really well except from jun ofc

seungkwan

nurse

a really loud and mouthy one at that

nags everyone in the ed a lot despite not being the charge nurse

tho hes getting there and everyone knows it 

despite that, hes really sweet and caring towards patients 

is also really weak for kids, but he cant ever be assigned to them because he’ll freak out if something happens to them

always earns high marks on nurse feedback forms because he does his job AND is entertaining 

even tho he nags everyone else, sometimes hes too selfless and forgets to take care of himself

“did you forget your lunch? aiii how could you do that? here take mine”

“seungkwan you need to eat to”

“i said take it, now eat and make your mom proud”

cries and often laments how much he loves his staff when hes had a little too much to drink at work parties

hansol

a new nurse

really chill, vibin through life

is really a much appreciated presence to have around the ed, especially when things can become hectic really quickly

often acts as a translator between english and korean 

will laugh at pretty much anything (which wonwoo appreciates alot because at least someone likes his jokes)

one thing that always gets his blood boiling is the blatant ignorance some patients have

like the offhanded racism against him or his coworkers, or comments about lgbtq+ people 

and there have been times when he hasnt been able to control how he responds because wow he Dislikes ignorant people

so whenever he gets a patient like that, he often asks to switch with another nurse because “if i have to listen to karen say something racist about jun or minghao again im gonna lose my fucking mind”

med students usually hang around him bc of how approachable he is

shower thoughts

“do you ever wonder this would taste like”

“hansol dont-”

chan

med student in his final year

is really eager to learn and get started on things!

ed is his first choice for match day

soonyoung has taken him under his wing so he mainly just shadows him

and its always a fun and great time chan has learned so much from him 

the entire ed staff has adopted him and will riot if he doesnt get accepted on match day

“chan, whos baby are you?”

“for the last time hyung IM TWENTY SEVEN”

if hes not shadowing soonyoung, hes probably studying in the break rooms with hansol throwing popcorn at him

“hyung stop im tryna study”

“ok but catch this in your mouth first”

still has a lot to learn, but hes out there conquering the world of medicine yall better watch out

[unendeligtid]

Did you already do prompt 2 for Davenzi 👀

Not until now! 

Also this is 2.5k someone stop me

2. “You had me really worried there, love.”

David’s sick.

He doesn’t want to admit it, but Matteo knows better.

He knows as soon as he wakes up. He can feel the abnormal heat radiating off of David’s sleeping form. When Matteo turns around, he meets his boyfriend’s pale and sweating face.

The thing is, Matteo saw this coming.

David was suspiciously quiet all of last night, claiming to be tired from work. He’d skipped dinner, something he never does, and instead crawled into bed with a pained grimace on his face. According to David, his limbs were sore from his workout the other day. Matteo knew otherwise.

And of course, David’s got a fever, and a pretty bad one from what Matteo can tell.

He rolls over properly and snuggles the side of his face into the comfortable pillow, reaching out to brush stray sweaty strands of David’s hair away from his face.

On the best of days, David is a really light sleeper, so the fact that this doesn’t wake him up worries Matteo slightly.

Matteo takes his hand back and turns over again, reaching for his phone on the bedside table.

How to calm a fever, is what he types into Google, hoping that the internet will have better advice than from what he remembers.

Take their temperature, keep them cool, keep them hydrated… Matteo reads on, letting out a sigh of relief.

He slides out of his bed as quiet as he can, sighing out in relief as it doesn’t seem to stir David at all. Quickly, he pads into the washroom, and scouring through the drawers in hopes of finding a thermometer.

No luck.

Matteo sighs. He figures he’ll head out to the pharmacy later to pick one up, as well as some fever reducers. In the meantime, he takes a clean cloth from under the sink and soak it in cool water from the tap.

When he walks back into their bedroom, David is still fast asleep. Matteo sits back down carefully on his side of the bed, wincing as it creaks slightly.

He places the cool cloth gently on David’s forehead, brushing David’s hair back so that it doesn’t get wet. David finally stirs.

“Wha-?” David mumbles tiredly, his eyelashes fluttering against his sweaty cheeks.

“You’re sick,” Matteo murmurs, attempting a voice that he hopes is soothing. “A fever, I think. I need to cool you down.”

“Cold,” David replies with a whisper, reaching down for the blanket, presumably to pull back over his shoulders.

“I know,” Matteo says, holding the blanket down with his spare hand so that David can’t move it. “But your body is boiling, you’ll feel better this way.”

“No,” David whines, swatting at Matteo’s hand on his forehead weakly.

Matteo sighs. He doesn’t care that David’s sweaty and pale and definitely a little bratty right now. He’s adorable.

“I need to head out to the pharmacy to grab you some stuff,” Matteo replies instead, placing David’s hand back down by his side. “Do you want me to get you anything while I’m there?”

David shakes his head. He’s started to shiver.

Matteo smiles. “How are you feeling?” he asks, raking his fingers through David’s mess of hair.

“Like shit,” David mumbles, his voice weak and low in his throat. “M’ head’s all spinny.”

“You nauseous?”

“Little bit,” David replies, closing his eyes tiredly. “Don’t wanna move.”

“I’ll tell you what,” Matteo says, flipping the cloth over to the other, much cooler side. “I’ll ask Hans to keep an eye on you while I head to the pharmacy, and then we can spend today doing nothing, how does that sound?”

“Okay,” David whispers, opening his eyes once more. His eyes are unfocused, looking around the room without any purpose. This isn’t good.

“Alright.” Matteo places a kiss to David’s sweaty hair, ignoring the whine that comes out of his boyfriend. “I’ll be right back.”

After a rushed trip to the pharmacy, Matteo hurries back to the flat. He doesn’t really want to leave David alone for too long, especially after having heard back from Hans that David was practically unresponsive and had fallen asleep again.

He swings open the door to his bedroom and throws the pharmacy bag onto his bed. David’s curled up on his side, dead asleep.

Normally, Matteo would find this adorable. After all, David really doesn’t sleep that deeply that often. Besides, David is just adorable in any circumstance. And while that still holds true, Matteo can’t help the pang of uneasiness that sinks down his stomach.

He sits down on the edge of the bed and places the back of his hand on David’s forehead. His boyfriend’s skin is burning underneath his touch.

“Baby,” Matteo whispers urgently, moving sweaty strands of David’s hair back. “Wake up.”

David grunts, but leans into Matteo’s touch.

“You need to wake up,” Matteo says, this time louder. “I need to take your temperature.”

David swallows thickly, but his eyes flutter open. They still have the same disoriented look to them, as if David isn’t really processing what he’s seeing.

Matteo quickly opens up the cardboard box holding the thermometer, and, after a quick skim of the instructions, uncaps the top part.

“Open your mouth,” Matteo instructs, placing his fingers delicately under David’s chin and tilting his head back slightly. “And put this under your tongue.”

David follows the instructions without argument, and Matteo places the thermometer in his mouth. After a few seconds, the thermometer beeps and Matteo takes it out to take a look at the small screen.

40°c.

Oh, that’s not good.

“Hans?” Matteo calls out, perhaps a little too loud, because David whines in protest, wincing at the loud noise. Matteo runs his fingers through David’s mess of hair to soothe him.

“Yeah?” Hans calls back from somewhere in the flat.

“Can you get me a glass of water and a cool cloth for David?”

“Of course!” Hans replies, and Matteo hears him bustling around.

“Is it bad?” David slurs, his eyes still moving rapidly back and forth.

“Yeah,” Matteo answers honestly, attempting to meet David’s gaze to no avail. “We’ll try the fever reducers that I got, though. It’ll be okay.”

Matteo isn’t sure who exactly he’s trying to convince, but he isn’t even sure if that’s true.

“Here we go,” Hans says as he bursts through the door. David flinches at the noise.

Hans hands Matteo the glass of water and the cool cloth.

“Thanks, Guru,” Matteo murmurs. Hans doesn’t even make a snide remark. Instead, he sits down on the other side of David and feels his forehead.

“Oh, my little butterfly,” Hans laments as he pulls back.

David chuckles deliriously.

“Okay,” Matteo says firmly, reaching into the pharmacy bag to grab the fever reducers. “I’m going to need you to sit up so that you can take these.”

David whines in protest, shutting his eyes. His eyelashes flutter against his sweaty cheeks.

“C’mon,” Matteo urges, grabbing onto David’s shoulder to help guide him up.

With Hans’ help, they’re able to get David into a sitting position. David leans heavily against Hans’ side, his head lolling forward dangerously.

“Baby?” Matteo asks curiously.

“M’ dizzy,” David whispers, his eyes opening again as he takes in the room.

“I know,” Matteo soothes, taking the pill out of the bottle and grabbing the side of David’s face to steady him.

David opens his mouth willingly and Matteo places the pill on his tongue. He reaches to the bedside table to grab the water, and helps David take a sip.

David winces as he swallows the water, but manages to get the pill down.

“Ow,” he murmurs, his head lolling to the side to rest on Hans’ shoulder. Hans rubs his hand soothingly on David’s back.

“It’s done now,” Matteo says softly. “You can lie down again.”

He and Hans manage to help David to lie down on his back.

“Okay,” Hans says once David is settled in. He places a kiss onto David’s sweaty forehead. “I’ll leave you to it. Let me know if you need help again.”

“Thanks,” Matteo murmurs gratefully. David echoes him quietly.

“Anything for my children!” Hans replies, ruffling Matteo’s hair before standing up and heading out the door. He closes it behind him.

“He’s nice,” David whispers, closing his eyes with a smile. Matteo places the cool cloth on David’s forehead again.

“He is,” Matteo agrees, wiping up the drop of water that falls from the cloth and down David’s face. “How are you feeling?”

“Tired,” David responds, shivering, most likely due to the cold cloth against his skin. “Need to tell Laura.”

“I’ll text her,” Matteo reassures, reaching to the bedside table to grab David’s phone. “You get some rest. The fever reducers should kick in soon.”

“Mmh.” And just like that, David’s eyes are fluttering shut, and he seems to fall asleep almost straight away.

Matteo leaves the cool cloth in its place and unlocks David’s phone, opening his WhatsApp.

Hey its matteo, he texts Laura, davids not feeling well right now, has a fever of 40, idk what i should do

Oh shit, Laura texts back almost immediately, he doesnt get sick often but usually when he does its bad. Have you given him anything?

Fever reducers, Matteo responds, and im trying to get the fever down. Is there anything else i should do?

Just keep an eye on him, Laura says, make sure he drinks water, but let him rest. If his fever doesnt go down then you might need to take him to the hospital

Fuck, Matteo texts back, i really dont want to do that, i dont want to out him to the doctors

Thats sweet, Laura replies, but he normally responds to meds just fine, you just need to wait a bit. Just keep doing what youre doing and update me if anything changes

Okay, Matteo responds, and leaves it at that.

He keeps an eye on David for the afternoon as he sleeps, making sure to replace the cool cloth whenever it gets too warm.

David sleeps like a log, but Matteo leaves him be, figuring that he probably needs the rest.

It’s only after a couple hours, when Matteo’s half-heartedly playing some random game on his laptop that he hears David’s voice again.

“Matteo?” David murmurs hoarsely. Matteo’s head whips right over to his boyfriend. David’s still pale, still shivering, but his eyes are focussed solely on Matteo. Matteo sighs in relief.

His boyfriend looks back at Matteo, and Matteo finds himself swooning all over again. Even when sick, David still manages to be just about the most gorgeous person Matteo has ever laid eyes upon.

“Hey,” Matteo responds, reaching to feel David’s forehead with gentle fingers. David leans into the touch with a small hum.

“‘Time is it?” David asks, his voice rough and hoarse.

“Like five or something.” Matteo shrugs his shoulders. He reaches to the side to grab the thermometer again. “You slept the whole day.”

“Ah shit,” David curses, leaning up onto his elbow, probably to get up and do God-knows-what. Matteo gently pushes his shoulder down.

“You aren’t going anywhere,” Matteo says with a chuckle, brushing David’s ever-messy hair out of his eyes. “Now, open your mouth.”

“That’s what he said,” David mutters under his breath, but follows the instructions anyways. Matteo places the thermometer under his tongue.

“Smartass,” Matteo giggles, rolling his eyes. The thermometer beeps, and Matteo pulls it out to take a closer look.

“38,” Matteo sighs out in relief, letting the tension drop from his shoulders. His neck aches slightly from the remnants of the leftover strain in his body. “That’s so much better. You had me really worried there, love.”

“Why?” David wonders, leaning into Matteo’s casual touches. He closes his eyes briefly and swallows thickly.

“You were at 40 this morning,” Matteo responds, placing the thermometer onto the bedside table before lying down to join David. “I was almost prepared to take you to the hospital.”

“Laura had to do that once,” David whispers, his eyes still closed. He nuzzles into his pillow. “Fever got too high and I couldn’t breathe properly. Turns out my lungs were a little fucked from binding so much.”

Matteo blinks. Normally David doesn’t talk about anything regarding binding unless he absolutely needs to. It almost frustrates Matteo sometimes, because he can normally tell when David is in pain from binding for too long. It’s almost a struggle every night to make sure that David takes off his binder before they go to bed.

“You’ve stopped doing it as much, right?” he asks, trailing his hand down to caress David’s clothed back, as if willing the pain away somehow.

David lets out a contented sigh and leans into Matteo. “Yeah,” he murmurs. “I’ve definitely learned my lesson from that.”

“Good,” Matteo says, leaning forward to place a kiss on David’s warm forehead. “How are you feeling now?”

“Gross,” David responds tiredly. “A little woozy. But not as bad.”

“Nauseous?”

“Little bit,” David shrugs, his eyes fluttering open. “I think I’ll be okay though.”

“We’ll get you in the bath when you’re up to it, and maybe some anti-nausea meds if you need them,” Matteo promises. He pulls back, remembering his other promise to Laura. He reaches over David to grab his boyfriends’ phone, sending off a quick text to Laura.

“You should have some water,” Matteo says once he’s typed out the message.

“M’ not thirsty.”

“Don’t even argue with me, you need water,” Matteo instructs, giving David’s shoulder a light push.

David sits up carefully with a sigh, closing his eyes as he finally goes upright. He reaches up and pinches the skin on the bridge of his nose, taking in a deep breath.

“Dizzy?” Matteo asks, holding onto David’s shoulder carefully, just in case.

“Yeah,” David mutters, his eyes opening again cautiously. “I can’t sit up for long.”

Matteo makes sure that David’s settled against the wall behind him before he reaches over to grab the half-empty cup of water from the bedside table. “That’s okay, just drink a bit.”

“Yes, sir,” David responds, opening his mouth so that Matteo can help him take a sip. He winces as he swallows the water.

“There we go,” Matteo murmurs mindlessly, taking the cup and placing it back on the bedside table. “Let’s lie down for a bit.”

David goes willingly, curling up on his side, facing Matteo. “For how long?” he wonders.

“Until you start to feel better,” Matteo says as he lies down on his side as well to face his boyfriend. “And then maybe a little bit longer.”

“Sounds good,” David whispers, his dry lips curling into a small smile. He nuzzles into the pillow with a hum. “Sorry I’m so gross.”

Matteo can’t help his lips from forming into a smile. “You’ve seen me even grosser, I think,” he points out. “And besides, I love you no matter now smelly you are.”

David takes him in with his slightly glazed over, but nevertheless warm eyes and a small smile. He snorts and rolls his eyes, giving Matteo’s shoulder an uncharacteristically weak shove. His eyes glint lovingly, and Matteo doesn’t even question it for a second; he knows that the feeling is mutual.

[malafight]

Long-Ass Life Update (I’m not dead!)

Finally a life update now that I’m back home. It’s been a painful and tiring couple of weeks :’) And actually some of the days/times might be off because I was like super fucking out of it for most of that time period.

Anyhow, I went to the ER on Friday the 1st after 3 days of severe stomach pain, and the local hospital is like notoriously shitty but I was in horrible pain ok

They actually took me seriously for once, took me back immediately, ekg, ultrasound, blood and piss tests, and told me from the start not to eat or drink anything.

They told me they found gallstones and one or more might be stuck in the bile duct, but they made it sound like it wasnt inflamed and there werent many, so I wasnt super worried? They sent me for an MRI and then told me that they didnt have the capability to get out any stones, so they sent my ass an hour away via ambulance to a much better hospital so they could do the probe thing they needed to. It took until Saturday night to get a room there, though, and they didnt know when I’d get there and since they figured theyd want to do the probe ASAP, I was kept completely without eating or drinking for all of Friday night and Saturday, after not eating more than a few bites of muffin on Friday and next to nothing Thursday either because Everything Hurt.

Also, Fentanyl is fucking magic. Thats the only thing that even vaguely touched the pain.

So anyhow, I get to the other hospital at fuck o’clock at night and God Damn Staved because, like I said, bitches gave me No Fucking Food for an entire day (I’m not kidding that hospital is horrible and has a horrible reputation for ending up with killing people or making situations worse but the next nearest hospitals are an hour away in different directions and I don’t often have anyone willing to drive me that far and I often don’t feel up to driving myself that far if I’m already at “need to go to the ER, fuck the money I don’t have” point, and Saer has only just gotten into the USA and the last time they came with me to the ER they ended up with a virus for like three weeks and I wasn’t gonna do that to them again!!) and finally when I got to that hospital they were like “yeah we won’t be able to do the probe until Monday so eat something and then tomorrow you’re on a liquid diet and then nothing by mouth after midnight” so they scrounged me up some chicken broth and orange juice at like ten o’clock at night and gave me Those Good Good Meds and I slept in a decent hospital bed instead of on a fucking ER bed like Friday night (since they were transferring me at the local hospital they didn’t admit me and I slept in the ER. yeah. i hurt too badly to sleep on my side even with pain meds, and I slept on an ER bed. I had to sleep all day Saturday on and off just to get vaguely rested, but honestly? this whole ordeal has been an adventure in sleep deprivation despite heavy sedatives)

Monday rolls around and they take me for the ERCP (iirc thats what it was) where they put a thing down my throat and cut the bile duct wider so the stone could pass, get that bitch cleared up, all is well. I was heavily sedated and remember none of it, just waking up with different pain in my stomach and the world’s worst sore throat.

I was on a liquid diet from that and until the extraction on Wednesday. I have drank my weight in broth and orange juice.

Wednesday they take me in to remove my gallbladder. It was supposed to be a simple laparoscopic procedure, nip it out, pull it, I go home in a couple days with a couple small cuts on my belly. My dad (and several other people) reassured me that it was routine and quick, and is an easy procedure that should take 2 hours at most. I told him, “Listen, with me, literally nothing is ever easy and you know that”

Fast forward to me waking up and my first thought is “is that a catheter? guess it didnt go so easy after all.” I’m pretty sure the first words I said as I woke up were “told you it wouldnt be easy” lmao

Remember how hospital #1 told me that my gallbladder wasn’t inflamed and there were only a couple gallstones?

It was chock goddamn full of gallstones and so inflamed that when they tried to get it out laparoscopically, it tore. He spent an hour trying to get it out that way safely before realizing that his only recourse is to cut me open and get it out that way. The procedure took closer to 5 hours.

I have at least 20 staples in my belly now and I hope I get a cool fuckin scar but shit hurts still. I was in the hospital slowly ramping up to eating solid food again until Friday when I was allowed to go home to Saer. I can’t lift anything more than 20 pounds for another like month, and my range of motion is a fraction of what it was before. I’m so easily exhausted now and i can barely do anything and it’s really fucking pathetic??? and every time I bring that up Saer is like “they TOOK your ORGAN” so

(its really sad that i’m so conditioned that If I’m Not Doing Everything I Can All The Time Then I’m Not Trying Hard Enough that even after having full surgery to remove an organ I’m like NO I CAN DO THE THING and then end up hurting myself s-sobs)

(we watched the episode of b99 today where gina comes back after getting hit by a bus and when she tried to dance while still in the halo saer pointed at her and was like “it u” and i was like “exCUSE” but like, tru)

anyhow, im home, and i have my wife with me, and saer is such a blessing right now because i cannot do SHIT and they need to help me off the couch sometimes if my dumb ass gets in a position with no leverage, and also ive already fallen off the couch like twice because i was like NO I GOT IT and saer was across the room like BEB NO U DONT and yeah im stubborn and stupid ok saer is saving me from myself for the most part

also also the app i drive for is shutting down in my city at the start of december hhhhh so now i also have to fuckin... find a job like this and uGH do not WANT ffff

but yeah thats something even my parents have okayed me holding off on until I’m better so if even my fuckin parents are like “pls chill???” yall know im fucked up

however i’m mostly weaned off opiod pain meds now and am only using them at night when it’s worse and hard to sleep, tylenol tends to take care of it well enough now. my range of motion is improving, too, but i am just still so easily tired that its frustrating. we went grocery shopping yesterday and even in the little motor scooter i was completely worn out by the end of it.

but im alive! all is well! i will continue improving! sorry for being so quiet during this but like I said, i’ve been some level of sedated for most of this event. not fully sedated except for the two procedures, but fentanyl and dilautin (ok i have no idea what it actually is and google isnt helping but i had a button for it) and then morphine and hydrocodone on top of not getting restful sleep At All due to pain, discomfort, and people coming in every hour for vitals checks... I was fuckin Gone i got fuckall done rip

however once my pain-induced blood pressure spike was lowered (i saw them take it at the ER and it was fuckin RED) everyone was like “...you have really good blood pressure??” like i’m pretty sure i have low blood pressure naturally and my size/genetics gives me high blood pressure and they kinda cancel each other out, but yeah. pretty cool.

my family kept swinging between “IF YOURE IN THAT MUCH PAIN FOR 24 HOURS YOU GO TO THE ER. YOU DO NOT WAIT THREE DAYS.” and “...jesus christ you have a high pain tolerance”

//throws the horns thats what chronic pain does to ya baybee

my mom especially was impressed because she was just like “you’re so calm talking to them about how much it hurts how are you doing that” and im just like “its literally wasted energy to freak out and i hurt too badly to move so im just gonna sit here and tell them im a ten and hope they take pity on me because i have no other options”

anyhow fun new experience and im pretty sure ive broken my brother’s hospitalization record and also pretty sure i’ve got enough medical debt on me now that i can literally file for bankruptcy so

also i can feel a void near my ribs and it is so bizarre yall fuckin organs need to close the gap asap bc this shit weird as hell