#god it's almost been 2 years
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the fact that we just have to keep going on living is insane
my strongest memory of feeling unconditionally loved as a kid was one day at the beach when my best friend's mom tucked in the tags on my swimsuit when they were showing. it was just the fact that someone i wasn't related to and had no obligation to look after me went out of her way to make sure the little details of my appearance, details i didn't notice or care about, were in order. it's such a small moment and i doubt she even remembers it, but for me it's a core memory of feeling loved and cared for .
i haven't seen that woman in over a year now, because she cut off my whole family. she made her daughter, my best friend, block me after a decade of being friends. and i never got a real explanation. initially, my best friend said it was because she came out as bi and our whole friend group is gay, and so, even tho her parents had no confirmation, i had to be cut off by extension. after my mom talked to her, she said it was because our group was bad for her daughter's mental health. my best friend's mom said that maybe, if i apologized, i could talk to her daughter again. maybe. and so i wrote them a letter. i apologized for anything and everything i could think of. i wasn't sure what i did wrong, so i covered all my bases. it took me weeks to write because even thinking about it made me feel sick. and it wasn't enough. it's such a huge, earth-shattering moment in my life, it's a core memory of absolute betrayal and abandonment.
and i just have to live with this. with a core memory of being loved unconditionally and a core memory of being betrayed, that were both caused by the same people. maybe im just 17 but how do i live with this
#but i stay silly :3#im sitting here crying over something that happened almost 2 yrs ago and im wearing mascara so there's black lines down my cheeks#it's just silly#this was all caused by me remembering that since i graduated school my friend can't contact me anymore#cause school emails were all we had and mine got terminated since im not in school#as if it matters#she hasnt messaged me in months and im always the one who messages first and she forgot about my bday last year#so what's the hope for this year#god it's almost been 2 years#it hasnt gotten even a little bit easier i still miss her so much and i still feel so alone#i just want my best friend back but i dont even know if i can call her my best friend anymore#vent
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hit indie developers limbolane is dropping great god grove tomorrow and I can already feel the hyperfixation madness crawling in Please Please Check Out This Game When It Arrives PLEASE!!!!
#ive been following the development of this game for.... over a year? oh god almost 2 years maybe.... a very long time#ever since i got into yugo limbos work and all things theyre invoved in#i played both the older may demo and the current one im so fucking hypedddddd#upcoming game so good it shakes me out of artblock#i almost did a painting before i realized Im Not Finishing That Tonight. oh well#wabbits art#great god grove#ms mitternacht#inspekta#thespius green#cobigail#<- my favorite so far :]#huzzle mug#click clack#also the unnamed 7th guy that looks like a 🗿#expect a lot more art once i completely tear through the game tomorrow
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At this moment, light appeared in front of her. The bodies of the dark trackers were split into two. It was as if the Messiah had descended and waves were splitting in two. Lee Jihye watched in a spellbound manner. This time, the man's face was visible. '…Ahjussi, is this your face?' [The constellation who doesn't yet have a name is looking at you.]
inprnt
#orv#kim dokja#lee jihye#this scene has been stuck in my head for like 2 years now and its such a RELIEF to finally draw it#the significance of lee jihye being the first one to see him as a god#the one who seemingly believes in him the least#seeing his true face and true form#I do like she is also seemingly almost always the first who gets glimpses of his face/body#anyways im FREE ITS OUT OF MY HEAD IM FREE#myarttt
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living in a country with nationalized healthcare after being raised in the US is just
> experience uncomfortable medical issue > leave it untreated for months or years bc it's "not serious enough" to warrant professional medical attention > it gets worse > finally go to a clinic > they ask me how long i've had this problem and i tell them how long > they look at me like i'm a fucking nutter, treat it in 5 minutes, and charge me $6 USD > i walk out feeling like the world's luckiest idiot
#crumb post#shout out to the time i almost let a skin infection become septic#literally the only reason i went to a clinic was bc my taiwanese coworker saw me limping and ORDERED me to go#god bless her fr#anyway just went to the dermatologist and he removed a painful callus that's been bugging me for the past two years#i was too embarrassed to tell him how long i'd left it untreated so i just told him one year#fixed it in like 2 minutes :`)#healthcare
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#OK NOW SLEEP. god. im always abt to go to bed at a reasonable time adn then faggot mode activates.#a doodley#its almost been 2 years can u believe this is a SIM this is a fucking SIM from the sims 4#and he's still a VATORE. WHO'S BROWN BABY IS THIS.#literally i forgot if he came from caleb or lillith. not that its his actual lore anymore but still#anyway i myself have amy schumer mouth so i thought abt how my face looks when i put in vampire fangs for halloween#and how talon has a bigger mouth‚ lips‚ specific facial structure AND the fangs on top of that...#he definitely and absolutely has lip incompetence#*whose ^_^
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Thinking about Life is Strange 2 and the absolute dust it got paid compared to the other games in the series. It's the ONLY video game I've ever played where someone in the story has Special Magic Powers, but it's not you. It's your little brother. And your father has been killed in a police shootout, and your little brother is just a kid who is so confused and terrified that he levels a whole block with a telekinetic boom. And then you, a teenager just a few years older, have to guide him to safety and try to parent him and help him use his powers for good while also dealing with the same traumas in your own life.
Also, there's a level where you just clip weed buds. Phenomenal game.
#i think about this game constantly actually#i think it mostly got hate because the two romantic options were white people with dread locks#which is a fair thing to hate on#the romance was honestly pretty subpar#but the core of the game? the relationship between the two brothers in conversation with literally earth-shattering trauma?#the other games just arent as emotionally gutting im sorry#and i love the other games too#but god i think about lis2 almost every day#and its been over 3 years since i finished it#i think from what ive read a lot of people found it less accessible than the other games due to the subject matter#but idk i mean im not from an immigrant family and ive never dealt with family death at the hands of police#but this game hooked me emotionally WAY more than the first or third game#its so special to me#life is strange 2#lis2
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People really need to give Steel Wool a break sometimes, man- They messed up with Security Breach and now people act like EVERYTHING wrong with modern fnaf is all exclusively their fault when it's really not.
#Chip Chatter#especially when the issue literally WASN'T ATTACHED TO THEM AT ALL!!!#People really just say shit I stg#there's probably one person who'll think this is about one particular post#this post is a culmination of things#the twitter bs going on right now about modern lore and some people pinning all the blame on steel wool even though they don't write the#lore. A conversation I had yesterday with some people where one person kept blaming and shitting on SWS for the smallest of things#The fact that any time I try to talk about a small issue with modern fnaf in any fucking way I'll have people tell me shit like#“it's steel wool what were you expecting” regardless of if the problem was even their fault#and just generally people giving Steel Wool so much shit and most of the time it being over fucking nothing#Like I GET that Steel Wool fumbled with Security Breach oh my fucking god that was almost 2 years ago can we MOVE ON!!!!#They're improving!!! They fumbled one game and a lot of the factors involved weren't their fault anyways!!! Can we give them a fucking#break and just move on with the rest of the series already!!! I'm so sick of hearing people complain about SB when it's been almost 2 years#and Steel Wool is showing nothing but signs of improvement#Cough uhm anyways#of course you can criticize Steel Wool and I'm not saying they've never done anything wrong ever#just don't needlessly shit on them especially if the problem was out of their hands.#Rant over I'm going to bed
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listening to rqg 159 and alex describes how zolf would recognize wilde’s “eeerrghhhhh it has to do with touchy-feely emotions” face. yeh
#by god i will draw wilde looking like real oscar wilde.#rqg#bluebird.txt#look at my little doodle boy 🫵🏼#i just like to draw wilde like real wilde cuz 1) REFERENCE PICTURES THANK FUCK#2) see 1 (i need to get better at drawing people consistently and it helps)#but 3) is the real reason and it’s that. fandom wilde does not look like oscar wilde almost at all#and that bothers me kinda#i mean let’s be honest alex probably could’ve made all these historical figures original npcs and the result would’ve been the same#but he didn’t! and everyone draws wilde really skinny and when you see pictures of real wilde it’s either that he was wearing a shit ton of#layers (which he probably was anyway yay 1800s)#but genuinely apart from that he does not look that skinny guys……#i don’t actually have beef with anyone in particular about this and the fandom art is actually most of it is beautiful and awesome regardle#but it just bothers me#ANYWAAAYYYYSSSS ✨✨ if you got this far in my tags have a gold star sticker#i’m gonna go sing now#bluebird’s art#rusty quill gaming#rqg wilde#i need to finish my drawing of cel and zolf at some point but damn drawing cel is kicking my ass so i’ll come back to it#I WILL FINISH IT THOUGH THE IDEA FOR THIS DRAWING HAS BEEN 2+ YEARS IN THE MAKING
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just going about my day idly contemplating how some of the ways hawke can interact with a romanced anders are not at all unlike how they interact with leandra (and a bit of carver too, especially with a purple hawke), and then thought about my hawke in the timeline where he romances anders and was hit straight in the face with 'was he ever actually in love, or was he just desperately trying to renegotiate with his mother's ghost in any way he could' and now i need to lie down. this is the power of dragon age 2
#'you don't know my mother' haunting me through the years#dragon age#dragon age 2#hawke#On second thought let's not go to Kirkwall; it is a silly place#there are of course as many ways to do/read that relationship as there are players to interact with it haha and all valid!#but my personal version of handers is sooo fucked up and bad times for everyone involved and I love it haha.#this is a relationship neither of them should have been in and that made everything worse and everyone unhappy in the end#locked tomb levels of the horrors of love. i ship it but in the way that I want to make it sadder and more gutwrenching each time#to be clear this is a very mutual two-way kind of fucked up but I think varric in his loyalty and love would downplay hawke's side of it#for huge swathes of their relationship anders is not in a mental place to be a good partner and the emotional blackmail is Not Okay#(but it's just like how mother used to make it! hawke's soul cries sadly as it reaches for it hungrily)#which is in some ways fair enough no one could accuse him of not warning you ahead of time fjskda#but hawke is messy about it in a way only available to a covert people pleaser who has never had a millisecond of therapy#with some added stuff that my hawke is always acespec in some form and when he gets together with anders...#is the sex something he doesn't particularly care to have or not have but it 'makes anders happy'/he longs to feel wanted *and* needed#and also a way he gets out of ever being *actually* vulnerable (which I think he'd had to be with varric for example if he Went There )#'you want the hawke who's in your head so badly and I kind of wish I were that hawke too. so let's be collaborateurs with that fantasy'#(and then maybe if I do it right every time you'll finally be happy hawke says in his heart looking at this leandra-anders phantom form)#(and echoing stuff in varric's relationship to hawke but I think the important distinction there is that varric -- is a craftsman haha#he KNOWS when he's lying/making up a story he KNOWS the difference between what is and what he wishes the world was#(I think there's some deep longing there to not know; for it to blend together or have the power to change things. but he always knows)#which ironically leaves him in a better position to actually see and understand hawke the person#even as he is creating hawke the literary figure. almost to protect him in some ways? god da2 is so full of STUFF!!! I adore it)#and of course anders gets so disillusioned with hawke's inertia and lack of action (you all but married this man anders!#you should know this about him he's already carrying the whole family and city on his shoulders if you add a gram more he'll collapse!)#and hawke feels so desperately hurt that the promise anders seemed to make that he'd be enough -- that he could fix things for him --#('I'm the one bright light in kirkwall and that apparently doesn't count for shit so I'm just slowly turning to ash for you')#turned out to be untrue. anyway. sad now. imagine them meeting like twenty years on what the fuck could you even say to each other then#(I can't imagine Hawke ever physically hurting anyone he loves so he just tells Anders to leave at the end of DA2. they COULD meet again
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fun fact
#p5#goro akechi#akira kurusu#doodles#my comics#i’ve had this idea for just about 2 years now so im glad i finally executed it. even as doodley as this is lmao#‘omnivorous’ is a strong word but it is true that butterflys eat and swarm blood and rotting corpses#they also like human sweat#if a butterfly lands on your bare skin it is almost certainly drinking your sweat ^-^#though here they’re swarming the rotting corpses that are akechi and akira#this isn’t coloured but these butterflies are blue. by the way.#they’re sitting on a bench in some park. i so wish i had the motivation to clean this up but i don’t lol <3#thank god i get this out of my head though it’s been haunting me for years#happy 2/2#ren amamiya#persona 5 protagonist#p5r#persona 5 royal#blood mention#ask to tag#p5r spoilers#my art
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I have learnt things about Geto that I wish I could unlearn
#I think I'm getting about the same amount of spoilers as a few weeks ago except now I understand them#But like. I expected so much of him#Seeing gifs of that one scene in which Gojo gets distracted because of Geto almost made me watch this a year ago#Geto was actually my favourite character in that one JJK fanfic I read that I mention so often even if he had literally one scene#I know so much of the emotional turmoil and conflict in JJK and Gojo in particular depends on him#And you're telling me he's Thanos?#I learnt a few days ago that everything pretty much happens in one year. That there's one year between Geto's death and Gojo's#I thought it would be like ten years. Ten years of the act haunting him#But no? So it's not a broken teenager who has these ideas and is killed by another teenager to stop him?#It's a what? ~30yo man saying Light levels of stupidity? Even worse perhaps?#Goodness I hope this is not so. I hope this is better written than what I am seeing#Because goddammit I can't do it. It would kinda ruin every emotional scene from then on?#That one scene I was so looking forwards about patting Gojo's back or whatever. The one in which Gojo gets distracted. It just. I don't know#I won't be able to be moved if Geto doesn't work xD#I was fearing I wasn't going to like him a lot because my expectations were big but oh my god please not like this#This is way worse than I expected. Someone tell me he actually makes sense. What's the point of this whole political play#in which no one is fully wrong and no one is totally right otherwise? What is the point of the haunting. This feels just idiotic xD#And I don't care about the traumas and all that. That works for the teen not the ~30yo man#It would have worked if Gojo would have killed him like 1-2 years after everything not like a few months ago. Last winter#After like ten years a 30yo man should have realised this plan sucks.#Even if it's utilitarian. Who is going to make clothes? Buildings? Streets and railways? Bread??? Go have a talk with Nanami please#We have been told there are not a lot of jujutsu sorcerers. How are you going to fulfill all those needs out of nothing?#And even if it were little by little so the needs could be getting fulfilled little by little too#If you decimate humans won't that cause more curses? I guess he's thinking on the long run but still this plan seems like a mess#I hope it makes more sense than it's looking it will make because of my god this would truly be the last nail on the coffin xD#I am being more and more tempted to get to Utahime and then just drop this. This is breaking my heart xD#It could be soooo good and it always almost is#And then. AND THEN. Abfksbfndbfkan#Jen pick me up. Come solve this. I am scared xD#I talk too much
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I JUST PASSED MY DRIVING TEST!!!!
Watch out world!! 🚙💨
#GOD IT TOOK ME SO LONG#ive been taking lessons for almost 2 years now#failed the first time I did my test#BUT THAT DONT MATTER ANYMORE#I GOT ITTT#🚗🚙🛻🚌🚎🚕🚓🚑🚒🚐🛻🚚🚛🚜🛵🏍️🛺🚝🚄🚅🚈🚂🚞🚋🚃🚀#VROOM FUCKING VROOM MOTHER FUCKERS
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Wverytime I sit down at a computer to make music I get so scared
#i like siting down with a guitar and writing music but the daw is still so scary to me and i dont know how to make it less scary#its like i dont know where to start#i understand music theory i can write chord progressions i can write melodies but arranging feels so daunting#like just trying to pick keyboard voices and stuff im like overwhelmed and then its like i just dont even know where to start#i think i need to do more covers to practice arranging because trying to do it with my own songs im just like i have NO IDEA#i do think that trying to recreate arrangements of other songs I like will help me but also just idk#i really want to get better at writing at the piano but i find it really hard#rn i write almost all my songs on the guitar then i guess what i have to do is try to think of like what style i want it to have#and sort of try to create a map like probably literally on paper and then try to go in and sort of do it but god its so hard i dont know#it feels so so daunting#even trying to make silly little stuff with just like some synths is really hard for me right now its so out of my comfort zone and AUGH id#its frustrating im scared of the computer but i also very much do not want to be an acoustic singer songwriter but thats all i can do#because all i can do is play fucking guitar!!!! and its just so frustrating#technically im like with a midi controller i should be able to do whatever program drums write little synth lines etc i dont have to like#know how to play piano and yet whenever i try to do it i just get so overwhelmed and freaked out with how many possibilities there are#that i just . cannnnnt#AHGHHHHHHHHHHHH im so im in such a bad mood right ow#ive had such a horrible night honestly#i think i will just go engage in fixation for comfort and then go to bed sigh#i dont know what to do to improve at making music in the daw i guess ill just maybe try again this weekend to take another crack at it#god its just so frustrating that i only started writing songs 2 years ago and have only learned to use a daw in the last 3 months i WISH#that i was one of these teenagers who spent all my time writing silly songs and playing around with a midi controller but i just didnt#because i was scared!!!!!!!#playing the guitar and singing has always been like the only thing that felt safe cos i felt if i tried to actually write and arrange songs#by myself i would fail so now i just feel so frustrated because i dont feel like a real musician and i feel like im starting too late#AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH whatever sorry for using the tags of this post as my diary but#i am frustrated!!!!
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waiting to leave
#listen- listen to me#ive been obsessively watching chicago med for like 2 weeks#originally only the episodes sam is in#and then- god forbid - i got invested in dr reese#and dr latham#but no one else really rip in peace#regardless my point being that sam is the eyecandy of the show for me#almost forgot the actual tags#chicago med#sam abrams#fanart#first drawing of the year and its this#wild
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yea
#i really want him to hate her#as much as i adore wanders characted and how consistent his values are . i also love the idea of dominator being the only thing in like#at least hundreds of years to make that falter. before she even does anything he’s already uncomfortable#this is. the type of protag & villain dynamic i love the most#odieart#ALSO side rant#woy season 2 is feeding me SO good rn because Let me Tell you. it is seriously my favourite thing when shows are in a state where there is-#-some huge looming almost omnipresent threat that’s been introduced/established but the show just continues semi-normally anyway except with#the threat of whatever the thing is hanging over the characters’ heads and the show like absentmindedly mentioning the effects#and#developments of the threat. and dude oh my God in woys case of this. THE LIKE CONSTANT REMINDERS THAT THERES FEW PLANETS LEFT BC DOMINATOR#HAS ALMOST DESTROYED THEM ALL?? INCREDIBLE. THE WAY AN ENTIRE EPISODE IS CENTERED AROUND KEEPING ONE PLANET SAFE AND SACRED FROM HER#AND HOW SYLVIA LIKE SORT-OF ATTEMPTS TO FLEE TOO. ITS SOOOOUGUUGUHHHH I LOVE THIS FUCKING SHOW#I love woy.
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ok posting it here bc im not sure if its going to stay in the doodle page
#delete later#deleting soon bc eyes on me#for those of you who kept asking about Something last year LOLLL#sorry this is too entry level vent comic ykwim i jst needed to get it out#im over it in the sense that like ok yeah whatever#but not in the sense that i came out worse than before. i was already Small. ive been further Smallened#i was a rebound and lied to and discarded...which thank god i was Set Free but wow!#all my personal fears reinforced. it is embarrassing for me to want and need...i get it neow. i was a stepping stone i am an npc#idk that i could do it again! im not sure its worth trying i am too much of a...project.#as i was told from day 1 but still ran directly into it#and i was too much of a coward to leave myself. if it happened again i wouldnt be able to leave then either.#im happy that i dont think it could get much worse than all that for my first experience but it was also exhausting#and weirdly at the same time i dont think i cld ever expect better#its almost been a year since its been Done and the words and treatment linger <3#this is also why i had to enlist talon as imaginary bf number 2 LOL need extra reinforcement and love#cringe as fuck but it rly will never be as good as whats in my brain...i know that neow. i will spare everyone the trouble#and remove myself from the dating pool (<- implying he was ever even in it)#i dont even hold any ill will toward em bc they were right...its just hurts ykwim
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