#god damn it now i'm sad
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Me watching the prequel movies: "Padme's alright, but she's kind of boring and I don't care for her that much."
Me watching Clone Wars: "Padme Amidala could dropkick me, step on my neck, and spit in my face, and I would thank her. She is so cool and smart and I want to be her and also maybe be her assistant. She's a savvy politician who believes in peace but is not afraid to shoot a bitch if needed. Revenge of the Sith Anakin doesn't deserve her."
#star wars#star wars prequels#star wars the clone wars#sw tcw#padme amidala#sw prequels#sw padme#literally did not give a shit about her while watching the movies#then i watched the show and oh my god she is amazing#every time there was a padme episode i absolutely loved it and had an amazing time#actual girlboss#also now i can actually understand why she was so loyal to anakin even when he became a trainwreck#their relationship was imperfect but actually really sweet and i saw the chemistry#they felt like a power couple sometimes and really balanced each other out#and while anakin always had some aggressive tendencies#i understand how padme would be caught off guard and still love him/think she can change him#she's seen him at some of his low points and he bounced back so how is this different and why is he acting different?#it's actually really sad#i didn't care when she died while watching the prequels#but when i watched the show i'd suddenly feel really upset because i'd remember what's going to eventually happen to her#this strong and amazing woman would die of grief while giving birth after her husband betrayed her and that was heartbreaking#and then years later her planet would be destroyed by that very husband she had once loved so dearly#god damn it now i'm sad
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LOOSING MY DAMN MIND😃 WHY DID SJM WRITE ACOTAR SO SHITTILY????? WERE THERE NO EDITORS OR ANY PERSON WITH A DAMN BRAIN TO RETHINK THE SHIT SHE HAS WRITTEN???? MY CHILDHOOD IS RUINED.
#acotar#the acotar rhysand#rhysand#feyre#rhysand is an abuser#this is so clear now#oh my god#holy shit sjm#what the hell were you thinking?#I'm so sad#acotar was my first fantasy fiction#damn#and rhysand was my first love#why#why do i do this to myself#its never a good idea to go down the rabbit hole of a book series
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i finished thesis, won an award, and have graduated.. hello 👋🥸
#i'm not coming back but :') hello#i forgot i even had tumblr still on my phone djdkdkdkdk#i just opened it for the first time in ??? 5 months or smth i think idk for sure#life is weird :')#remember when i said i wanna drop out every day of my life :') bc i suck at design#welp i won an award for my design thesis :')#jsjdjdkdkdkdj#turns out having friends kinda changes your life 🫂#having friends at school has actually :') made me a happier more normal person lol#i haven't been miserable?? i haven't wanted to kms ... i have been so happy and yes school was shitty but i wanted to go and try hard bc#my friends motivated me to stay and try and that's crazy :') idk#felt really loved and like i belonged somewhere for the first time in my life 🫨 like woah ppl like me and wanna be my friend? me??#:') i'm really happy... isn't that weird#i used to want to kms every other day hsjdndkdkdks lol 😭#now i'm like 😭 every day i look forward to waking up bc i'm happy and i have ppl who love me and i wanna see them again and i wanna spend#time with them again and play games with them again :')#literally stayed up till ??? 4 am yesterday talking to one of them like#😭#god jm djjdkdkdkd idk :')#my life is good...#???? IM NOT MISERABLE IDK GUYS#wild af#even winning the award was such a shock like 🥲 damn . who ? me?#ppl from like :') this big design thing in toronto we're praising it too like djdjdodjdkdj#:') it's kinda crazy.. i was super !#man.. i cant believe how 5 months ago i was gonna kms 🥸👆 and now i'm like erm actually maybe we do need to live#:') anyway#i hope ppl on here are doing good 🫨🔨#it is sad to not be here as much but also 👋😌 i'm happy to be free at the same time so ✨
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Me, decorating the space around Touya's tank with holiday decor, holding a santa hat ornament out at the guard: hello mr. sir happy holidays! Would you mind giving this to the doctors when they come back? I was gonna get a sticker to put on the tank but I don't know if that's gonna interfere with anything, so I got this instead that they can just hang up right over there when they go in on the other side, and then look look look! It looks like he's wearing it while you talk to him! Isn't that fun? =D
Touya: -making his alarms go off in protest-
Me: Nah, nah, listen--you put your clown ass in there you're gonna wear the hat to match!!!!!
#dabi#touya todoroki#dabi x reader#me and touya#you know I feel like everybody else is gonna be like 'omgsh how sad for for him I can't imagine being stuck like that =('#meanwhile I visit him for the first time blaring circus music on a radio#You could've just stayed here at the Manor with me playing house and minding your business but NOOOOOOOOO#We just HAD to kill ourselves and get back at our bum daddy#and it didn't even WORK and now you're stuck gawkin at me like a canned sardine for god knows how long#you're gonna wear the damn hat and like it!!!!!!!#(also I love that I'm very disabled and have been in hospital situations so often that I know all the tricks)#(setting your alarms off on purpose for attention ain't gonna work on me beautiful 3yr old me invented that game!!!)#(alternatively: setting off your alarms to communicate IS gonna work on me I speak that fluently!!!)
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Thinking about Kim meeting Chay. Kim, who hasn't known affection, who hasn't been touched (aside from stylists and hairdressers and makeup artists) without violence or ulterior motives since the day his mother died, meeting a boy who touches him without any other reason than the fact that he wants to.
#crying in the club (my bed. into my pillow. it's 4am and i should be sleeping)#god kim makes me emotional#he's just. my heart physically hurts when i think about him#i just want to see kimchay actually make up and start dating again and i want to see them being domestic#and i want to see kim be happy#i want him to unlearn that touch = violence#god that boy (because he IS a boy. he's so damn young even if he doesn't act like it) must be so touch starved#sobbing about this right now#anyways goodnight i'm too emotional for this#kimchay#kim theerapanyakul#kimhan theerapanyakul#kimhan theerapanyakul my beloved#kinnporsche#tea's ramblings#this is what i get for watching kimchay edits before bed#most of them are so fucking sad i can't do this
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Sowing seeds of discontent and disharmony by hanging up on my parents birthday phone call the second my mom asked if I gained weight. Hope that sits badly on their minds while they think about how that's the first call I've engaged with them in 2 months and it was for the dogs birthday. Dad scrambling to text me for my mom that she didn't mean it. Like fuck I told her I've been having a rough month and day. She couldn't keep it to herself that badly. Fucks sake
#was already not in a great place mentally but i entertained the call and was actually feeling okay talking to them giving them an update#she just hits me with that. and I'm not normally sensitive about my weight even when my mom harped on me for gaining some a few years back#i genuinely normally don't care bc I'm happy with myself. but i know ive lost weight because I've been on icu and we don't have time to eat#im so fucking mad and im even more mad I'm crying about it#bc what the fuck#i was actually feeling like momentarily safe talking to them and being vulnerable about working on my next life stages#and she just ruined the call. i wanted to talk to my mom and dad more. i do miss talking to them about some things.#i was happy to get to see my family all together even if it was for the dogs birthday. and people were smiling and shit#and ik theyre gonna say i ruined it by being sensitive but jfc#it was literally the 2nd thing my mom said to me on the call after we sang happy birthday#why couldn't she just shut up. why couldn't she have said anything else. why did i let it bother me so much i hung up#I'm just fucking tired and sad and now feeling even lonlier than ever#i just wanted a nice moment with my family god fucking damn is that too hard to ask for#and im even more angry and sad now that i cant call them back bc my mom will get on me about smth else we were previously talking about#that phone call was supposed to be a neutral zone just for the birthday song. and i was going to ride it out but fucking hell#why didnt i just put up with it so i could have talked to my family#and no calling them back isnt an option. they haven't apologized and it would be an un neutral call#which gives them space to harass me about work and shit
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"I could drink your blood if you'd let my baby" no actually.
You can't. I won't let you.
if I did there's A chance that A. I might die and B. I might also become a vampire
And both of those would mean I have to give up garlic bread and other delicious things with garlic in them, and sorry man, I just can't
D
#yes to err is human so don't be one#wee woo#I've been thinking about how I don't wanna be a fucking vampire for a while now#Also the whole “living forever ” thing just sounds sad#And I like the sun thank you very much#Will wood#william woodiam#Creatures ted talks#creatures ted-talks#I'm glad I've started talking here more#even if it's just shit posts#I need to publish me own ideas#I don't have to a apologize for turning blue and cold because I'm not letting any vampires in my house/j#how do i tag original posts?#eh either this will get no notes#Or five months from now I'll look at my activity page and think “oh man when will this end/pos”#Ironically my theme is the vampire one#god fucking damn it#the tags are longer than the post#Oh well it's just me spewing bullshit
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I wasn’t using that heart anyway it’s fine (Patreon)
#Doodles#SCII#Damned#ZEX#Catch me crying in the Institute I'm Fine I Feel Fine#So far in reading I have cried twice - once for sads and once for happies#This one being the sads of course haha#The happies...doesn't really make sense in Or out of context but mmh maybe I'll get to it at some point lol#For now the devastation! Weh!!#I actually prefer the original phrasing better - ''If I become lost you will find me'' like gods hang on hold on gimme me a moment ❤️💕💖#I just forgot to look at it properly before writing it down lol#I transcribed it correctly in my notes! Heck#I would've been moved by this regardless but with Defeated hanging out in the back of my head for what's to come#He /does/ become lost! And it's from losing the Captain! His anchor his bright spot in this and any other galaxy 💔#All he has left is Dexter! Who won't ''indulge'' him or try to understand him and never /can/ in the way the Captain does#The foreshadowing!! The pain!! Ah ♥#Not to mention Zelnick's hesitance but still willingness to help I jfdkslafdf#Extremely good <3 <3
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I've never been a "born in the wrong generation" type of guy because for So Many reasons I would be dead. Full stop like I would have died during childbirth I would have died of appendicitis age 8 and that's not even factoring in my queerness and neurodivergency and ultimately my mental health (carefully maintained thanks to support/modern advances in medicine and treatment). On Top Of That my hobbies include The Video Game and many such things that are of modern invention (adjacently: including The Device I'm typing this out on right now which has become my main avenue of communication to the outside world)
But I'm just saying that. It WOULD be nice. To exist in a world where fluorescent lighting doesn't exist and everything is possibly 99% less overstimulating all of the time forever.
#and like. a little less capitalist dystopia. i could do with less of that.#but focusing primarily on my own struggle. it's just a bummer sometimes like#i genuinely had fun!!! w my sisters and friends!!! esp at the arcade w ddr that is ALWAYS so fun#but man you can't even take me to your own damn house unless if you're ready to accept vampire rules.#my sister can/does dim the lights if i ask and i don't mind asking it's just fucking crazy to me like#damn uoy guys live like this. bright ass lights ten diff convos at once music in the bg. what if i died on this beanbag#BUT. THAT IS. one thing that is very nice i AM allowed to die on the beanbag!!!!!!! i'm allowed to cozy up and rest#while everyone does their own thing and i can listen in and chime in every now and again. severely underrated tbh#i really only feel a little hopeless when i think about like. public spaces where the only thing i can control is myself#IF i am ever employable again my requirements would be. no florescent lighting. i will die.#which like. kind of limits my prospects.#i do enjoy outdoors/physical work actually though so. i'm just limited bc i have to bind.#i am. so severely. banking on top surgery working out. it won't be a cure-all but by god it WILL open up my options#plus the. constant fatigue. of binding. but not binding is even worse. i need divine intervention (surgery)#SAD. well there are other people in yhe world#but man rhat is like my fave joke to make but i feel so much sadness attached to it. the world will move on without me.#there are a million other people who are far more capable. much 'easier'. ect.#and i know the answer is well there's only one me and there are a handful of people who love me. who keep me and include me#i am very thankful for that.#it's just a bit of a bummer sometimes. i stay silly and have the most fun i can but i am a little sad about it.
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oh, great! I cleaned out all my fountain pens before we moved, and then chose just a few to take with me. plus ink, obviously.
except someone took the damn ink out of the bag I had put it in. sooo it's probably in the storage unit now and I won't see it again until April 🙃
#no I know this is fine and not a problem etc etc#BUT#I need to write shit down 😭 I'm feeling baaad and that means it's time to write in my diary and I CAN'T because none of my pens HAVE#ANY INK IN THEM!!#even my bullet journal fountain pen is allllmost out of ink! and I didn't bring any gel pens because why would I???#oooh I am mad rn.#the local stationery shop closed last year soo. I will have to order ink online if I can't find mine. 🙃#yes I know I could use a fucking ballpoint pen or something like a caveman (sorry) but everything but fountain pens hurts my wrist 😭#this is a 'need to write 20 pages that will inevitably turn into 'oh I am so sad because I cannot touch this fictional man' very quickly and#nothing else will help' situation 😭😭😭😭#sooo I will now start figuring out which ink I am going to buy. maybe I'll manage to just get one. hahahaha that was a good joke :')#personal#oh my GOD I just realised I didn't even pack any syringes OR CONVERTERS OR EMPTY CARTRIDGES EITHER#fuck this I just ruined my whole damn day
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so am i right or am i right in my assertion that bridgerton doesn't actually do character work, it just rebrands it's main characters before their season begins and tries to recontextualize them as poor little meow meows.
#olive rambles#watched the first half of season 3#was thinking to myself: huh. pen isn't that bad.#and then decided to rewatch some season 2 scenes to recontextualize who the characters are. y'know. so i can be an intelligent viewer#and all that jazz.#and damn you bridgerton i fell for your trap for a second there.#SHE'S NOT !!!!!!! THE SAME !!!!!!!! CHARACTER !!!!!!!!!#this isn't just about framing a narrative differently season 2 pen and season 3 pen are different girlies entirely#WHERE IS THE WRATH#i *want* a vengeful penelope featherington damnit#even if i don't like her as a person i could respect her as a character#and yet#they just make her a soft sadgirl#which also feels very cheap because women can be angry and messy and vengeful and still find love#honestly get polin out of here and get penelope angry again#i want to see BLOOD or season 2 is cheapened in retrospect#look me in the eye and tell me i'm wrong#you can't#i am the god of this chilis and i have spoken#i think over the summer i'm going to watch all of bridgerton over again so i can make a corkboard of theories#and be intelligent in my hate#PENELOPE WAS ANGRY AND LOUD ABOUT IT IN SEASON 2 AND SOMEHOW SHE IS NOW JUST SAD AND RUMINATING IN SEASON 3#BITCH WHEN AND WHERE DID THIS CHANGE TAKE PLACE AND WHY#AND ALSO FOR WHAT ANGRY ACTIONABLE CHARACTERS ARE DYNAMIC AND HARD TO PREDICT AND MAKE FOR GOOD CINEMA#SAD CHARACTERS THAT SIT AND THINK ABOUT THINGS ARE OKAY TOO BUT THEY ARE NOT !!!!! THE SAME !!!!! AS THE FORMER ARCHETYPE#AND THEY SHOULDN'T BE!!!!!!!!
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baby we are dropping like flies over here my great aunt passed this week.
#🐇#it's like a joke kind of. like god is just fuckin bashing me over the head with a bat over and over!#my mom found a photo of me with my papaw and great aunt from when was little today. very sad#and you know what else I found out today?? my grandpa has diabetes and my grandma tells my mom that his blood sugar keeps getting low to th#point where he's super out of it and isn't making sense. like on the verge of going into shock and even after that she was complaining to m#mom that he'll tell her he needs to eat right now because he isn't feeling well and she's like okay well I'm busy! I'll get to it!#lmfao grandma he could DIE what are we doing here???#I think she's desensitized tbh he's been through so much already. I mean like his brain was literally rotting at one point#and he just....got over it. he flipped down the side of a damn mountain in a golf cart. had cancer twice. he's running on pure spite#she's also very mentally ill and not on any meds! so you can see why we're all dropping left and right
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Once more overcome by heartbreak over the tragedy of most pokepastas
#yomiel speaks#/lh btw#i did find many of these scary when i was younger (i was a kid after all)#not all of them i wasnt that much of scaredy bitch. some are just funny even after all these years AHAHAHDFHJ#sure part of these not being scary anymore is. well many of these stories were just Hashtag Edgy. and I know what happens on them ☝#but man. now they just make me sad to think about#not in a :'( way but in a ''damn....'' kinda way. do you understand me. please for the love of god do you understand what I'm telling you#lost silver. snow in mt silver. glitchy red. blue tears. if i start naming i dont stop please do you Understand
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i'm not even done with the new rwd episode but. spoilers ahead
anyway funny thing. i wasn't like, super on board with the professionals when i was first binging through the first 3 seasons and especially once we got to season 3 i tunnel visioned on VR-LA and MR-SN super hard (as is probably extremely obvious from my art) but like. 4.5?? the exchange they had??? the fucking breakup scene???? yeah. yeah i get it now. i have no idea why or what changed but i have now Gotten It at the worst possible timing. what the hell
#rolling with difficulty#usually i don't tag my rambles but just this once i'm gonna do it i want to share my sadness onto other people#im like too sad to finish rhe rest of the episode but too mad to go to sleep so i'm just sitting here stewing#genuinely i have no idea what made it click for me but like#honestly every part of that conversation hit me like a truck#maxim saying it's rare for adventurers to voluntarily leave that life for 'something greater' - ouch????#like it's so fuckin targeted dear god but also yeah. yeah he would think that huh#vr-la saying he's here as a friend extending a curtesy and maxim immediately being like 'your flattery is unnecessary' like fuck man#'if you wish to avail of my friendship *or something more* i'm afraid that's no longer possible' there's so many layers of what the fuck#'you of all people asking for change' i honestly laughed cuz that's just a good line but also godfuckin dammit#and like just... all of what VR-LA said before he left. like the way neither of them are willing to make enough of a change to get out of th#this unstoppable force vs immovable object situation they're in#they're so like. perfectly in opposition. and it tickles my brain but also DAMN this conversation is painful#god. i hate this /pos#like YES I GET IT NOW BUT ALSO WHY *NOW*#angry and in pain#i guess to some extent it's also like#i've been in that situation where you and a good friend realise your lives are going in irreconcilably different directions#and you want to keep them in your life but it's just not possible with the way you want to live your life and they want to live theirs#and it HURTS and there's NOTHING you can do about it which makes it HURT SO MUCH MORE#fuck. what the hell#especially when the things they'd need to change would also be GOOD for them like maxim embracing change and accepting risks#and VR-LA learing some self-preservation#but at the same time it's like yeah of course they're gonna push each other away rather than change the way they view their lives#i mean both are painful but one of thems clearly easier than the other#i mean speaking from experience one is in fact clearly easier than the other
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#okay I'm talking in the tags of this post cause shit is happening in my life and I gotta talk about it somewhere#one part of it is my step brother crashing and burning before my very eyes and there's nothing I can do to stop his own destructive actions#so it's just me watching this poor kid ruin his relationships and blame everything and everyone around him as he does so#despite the fact that he's undeniably been treated horribly at times- he's just turned that anger back onto others and himself#and I have no idea what to feel as I watch him get arrested. have drug problems. because I'm just waiting for the inevitable spiral#it doesn't help that my mom has been comparing us and saying that I'm the much better child and she wishes he was like me#not understanding that I could’ve been him if I was just more angry at the world at that age instead of being so sad and scared#and that leads me to my fucking mom cause like- I love her. we've been through alot of bad shit with her#I've almost done some really bad shit for her and I know that she loves me more than anything else#but it feels like its been getting more and more suffocating cause I'm not sure she's able to start seeing me as an adult#and start loosening her grip around me and let me breathe. to have my own experiences without her by my side#to be able to go places and imagine a future without her constantly by my side#she talks and it's like she doesn't even think to wonder that perhaps I want to form my own experiences#and experience the world on my own terms because I feel like I've spent my whole life having so little damn control#religious family. shit and neglectful father who turned into the exact opposite and nearly killed me. family who refuses to listen and talk#having to move and run immediately. put survival above all else. go to school. get out. and god I just wanna breathe#she loves me so much and I love her too. but I feel like I'll be sooner crushed if I stick here for long enough#I'm just mad that my life has been nothing but absolutely no love. sudden waves of intense love. absolutely nothing. sudden spike#and I feel like I'm just finally starting to form good. healthy relationships on my own terms and actually make friends#because I had no idea what I was doing when I was a kid cause I was so fucking lonely and hurting#now I just. gotta figure out how to tell my mom that I can't carry this expectation that I'll continue to stay forever by her side#it just feels like I'm her child first and a person second. and it sucks. it really sucks.#ough. spins and spins and spins and spins-
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welcome to the bell parade
7 6 2 5 4 7 3 2 5 1 4 4 7 4 7 6 4 (when i was a young boy) 6 74 6 7 67 4 53 (my father took me into the city) 6 7 6 54 3 (to see a marching band) 4 5 7 4 764 (he said son when you grow up) 674 6 7 67 4 53 (would you be the savior of the broken) 6 7 6 54 3 (the beaten and the damned)
(notation is only somewhat reflective of timing lolz). the limited palette necessitates a bit of wrongness.. for instance the first B (third note) is supposed to be higher than the other notes but adapting to the lower B sounded better than using the only other higher note - the A7. alas, tis the nature of shits and giggles 🖤
#MCR#I stayed up until 4 AM on christmas eve (christmas day i suppose) to do this.#MUSIC IS HARD.. I AM NOT A MUSICIAN (YET?)#i bought a kalimba recently and one of the melodies i've learned is..... the opening to black parade !!!#since i realized it's a fairly simple piano melody and went O_O I Could Play That so i did.#and now here tumblr is giving me another instrument.. waow...#mods please i would pay to keep this blessed thing#or i suppose i could just. install a software which lets me program my number keys to notes. and have a more flexible range of notes..#but that lacks the whimsy of Playing Music on Tumplr Dot Com 🌈#So anyway i saw my chemical romance live on tour this summer owo#I GOTTA BRAG ABOUT IT HEH#THEY WERE SO !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#legendary show.#unforgettable. i think i almost passed out trying my god damn best to dance in the aisle#me and my buds rolled up in our best emo attire#we did make a hot topic run at a mall on the way before the show.#i also made a tractor supply run. what the hell can you wear from tsc to a concert? i will leave it to mystery.#my setlist had mama B) i would have been so sad if not.#okay now i am just reminiscing good night or not i'm gonna fiddle with a couple more tunes and try to not get absorbed.#I WANT THE BELLS UNTIL NEW YEARS AT LEAST. PLEASE#on the kalimba i like to transition from zelda's lullaby into WttBP... lullaby (or at least the part i've been playing??) ends on#the same note parade starts on. it's funny
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