#and you know what else I found out today?? my grandpa has diabetes and my grandma tells my mom that his blood sugar keeps getting low to th

[harmonybarmy]

baby we are dropping like flies over here my great aunt passed this week.

[venting402]

So let’s just say I’m disgusted with my family now. TW// self harm, mention of suicide

Well like two weeks ago my cousin and my mom were on the sofa. Nothing wrong. I was putting away my grandpa’s old clothes into a vacuum sealed bag because he’s dead and his clothes would get dust sitting in the closet. My cousin goes over with her friends quite often, which I tell my mom that she should put an end to because it’s not safe. My mother NEVER listens to me on anything. When I brought up that they need to take the pandemic more seriously my cousin had the rebuttal of “well u went to ur friend’s house”. Less than a month into lockdown bc it didn’t reach my city yet, yeah. My mom was willing to risk it to go to a party, which I had to stop her from doing.

So my cousin went to her friend’s house over this past week. One of her friends already has a family member who lives with them test positive. On Saturday we went to get coats and in the car she was wearing her mask which I pointed out. Well later we stopped in a parking lot to eat so she took it off in the car so wtf. The next day she was watching music videos in the living room. Yesterday she found out the friend’s house she went to tested positive and she thought since her friend was not showing symptoms it was not a concern.

Of course my mom got mad. Told her she had to stay in her room for the next 10 days. Had yet to sanitize what’s in the house. Well today my uncle who went on a rant on Facebook saying how the fuck can the virus be real showed up at my house. Text my mom he’s here because he showed up with 3 of my younger cousins, not his, let him know. I have to go inform him because that’s the responsible thing to do. HE TELLS ME HES IMMUNE AND ONLY OLD PEOPLE GET IT. THAT KIDS HAVE YET TO DIE FROM IT.

I tell my mom how it played out because she blamed his rant on him being drunk so I tell her “it was not bc he’s drunk or high”. Her response? “Why would u tell him that. Him coming over is a risk they have to take!” ALL I TOLD HIM IS HE CANT COME OVER FOR A WHILE!!!!!!

She constantly gets mad over the news and how people don’t take it seriously yet told me, her only living child, that shit.

Around 9/10 ish I started to cut myself. I started to get more frustrated with my family then the world and one day before I even put a blade to my arm I told my mom, hyperventilating, that I wanted to die. Told me some “other people have it worse than you” bullshit. Among other reasons but that’s why I cut myself, I get so angry and I’m not a violent person. She took my blade away, didn’t stop me. Recently I’ve had it too much with her where the idea is tempting to say fuck it.

My mother is willing to risk my uncle getting covid, the twins he babysits getting covid, their younger brother, my diabetic tia and her diabetic husband, her two sons, grandchildren, that tia’s daughters and their families since they go over quite a bit, my other tia’s kids since my uncle stays over there, that tia’s grandchildren and her boyfriend. ALL SO MY UNCLE CAN HAVE A PLACE TO CALL IN MY HOUSE DESPITE THE FACT HE WAS SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH US BUT HE DESIDED NOT TO BECAUSE HE WAS OK WITH GETTING HIGH RATHER THAN PROTECT HIS OWN DISABLED FSTHER FROM HIS DRUG ADDICTED BROTHER WHO VERBALY ABUSED MY GRANDPA. She doesn’t want to throw out his dresser full of clothes he doesn’t wear and hasn’t for years because it’s his even tho it creates space in her office room.

I swear I hate this. If I could I would try to be somewhere else but now I’m waiting for her to get home later and 100% fight with me. I’m sure we won’t speak to each other for a good 3 weeks maybe. I’ve been clean for so long I think today might break me.

[daedata-blog]

Hello World!

First posts are always the worst. Acouple of things will happen, either there will be so much to say that I don't know where to begin or I will draw a complete blank as I start to write. I have a feeling that this will fall somewhere in between.

Let's start with the easy things first shall we? Words that can be used to describe me: lesbian, geek, middle aged, technical, gamer, creator, nerd, different. That's a good start. So what should you expect to see here? That's a bit tougher to nail down really. I suspect at times it will be about my life and the twists and turns that are happening with it at the moment, but also about what I am trying to accomplish in spite of what is happening.

There is a lot going on atm. Most of it is incredibly scary. I can honestly say that I never imagined that my life would turn out to be like this. The timing is especially bad, but that is how it is in my world. It seems that every time I try to accomplish something life decides that it's time to shake things up. This week I have a feeling will be the biggest shakeup of all. if I am lucky, it will be the week that I find out if I have cancer.

Let's go back a couple of years for perspective. It's nearing the end of 2017 and is just another day at work. I work from home and have just finished my lunch and am preparing to teach my second class of the day. I get everything all set up to go when I start feeling funny. It feels like someone played a prank and wrapped my chest in saran wrap. I thought it was odd but wasn't too alarmed. Two minutes to go before class starts and suddenly I am having trouble breathing and along with the tightening in my chest there is a strange pain that has made itself known. This gives me pause as I watch the timer wind down and hear the familiar beep that tells me it is time to start class. I begin to speak and try to get into the rhythm of my intro but these sensations refuse to be ignored. A few more minutes go by and I decide it is serious and make arrangements for a quick exit.

The closest emergency room is less than two miles away. I calmly head for the hospital still trying to decide if it is really necessary. Most of the first hour is a blur, but I do remember the monitor registering my heart at 130 bpm. A quick EKG showed that I was not having a heart attack but my heart was also not showing signs of slowing down. I remember a silver patch being placed on my chest and a whirlwind of activity all around me. A decision was made for me to stay for 24 hours to see What was going on.

Many things happened that night, sleep was not one of them. the next day was much the same. A heart monitor had been put in place overnight and an ultrasound was done the next day. All of that came back normal. At some point a nurse came in with a pill. I asked what it was and she said it was Xanax. I told her she could keep the pill because I was not taking it. the shift doctor had ordered it but no one could explain why. Apparently, woman with Tachycardia and chest pain equals anxiety. This exchange prompted a visit from the head nurse where we proceeded to discuss how the medical profession causes more harm to women than help because of archaic prejudice.

No cause was found because nothing was done other than standard testing. They did find abnormalities in my lungs that were dismissed as unimportant and should be evaluated every 6 months. They failed to mention the need for re-evaluation. I would find that in my medical records much later.

Fast forward a year and I am back in the ER. This time sent by my doctor because I had been sick for more than a week and was not responding to treatment. More tests were done, and after an aggressive round of breathing treatments and medications the doctor came in looking particularly grim. He told me my white bloodcell count was high. My response was, " Let me guess, it is over 13k." He visibly looked surprised by my response and then proceeded to tell me I was being discharged because there were no beds. At no time did he bother to mention that there were other problems with my blood work. The papers I was given at discharge also said nothing. I would later discover that there were notes stating that I should be tested for CLL. No one said a word. My GP also said nothing.

Another year and 3 doctors later, I was fortunate enough to find the doctor I have now. She is what every doctor should be. I truly don't know what I would do without her. Unlike the others she believed me. I tested positive in the very low range for a type of leukemia. The oncologist I was referred to is a nightmare. Sadly, she is a woman. It's a terrible feeling when a doctor makes you feel like you are wasting their time. This is my current oncologist. Btw, my WBC is now over 15k and has only been climbing higher for the last few months. There are reasons this is more serious than most people but she refuses to believe it.

I have recently discovered that my grandfather was most likely an atomic veteran. I decided to dig around a bit and discovered every story he had told us was not true. Where he said he was and what he said he did just was not possible. Not to mention that most Indians were sent to Europe or Japan. Note, when I say Indian I am not speaking of those from India. Grandpa always called us his little Indians and that is what we are. Like him, I have a Federal Identification Number that is required to say that you are legally Indian.

It is very likely that Grandpa was exposed to radiation and that caused the cancer that killed him. Indians don't die of cancer, they get diabetes. Further complicating things, I too am a Veteran with possible exposure to at least multiple myeloma and who knows what else. In 6 years I can make a FOI request for his records because the statute of limitations will be lifted. I am confident that his records like 80% of veteran records for that era were lost in a fire.

So here we are at today, where I am waiting to hear the results of the CT scan and waiting for Insurance to approve or deny the bone marrow aspiration that I am supposed to get done ASAP.

All while trying to finally graduate from college with a Bachelor's degree and dreams of a Masters. Convincing myself that it's not too late and tomorrow will come bigger and brighter than yesterday.

[svetlanabelikova]

Journaling (II)

content warning:

medical & surgical talk

weight loss

discussion of anxiety and previous self-harm

349 pounds.

that is how much i weighed yesterday. i haven’t had my weight taken in like, 3 mon.s so it was and always is a bit of a shock. last time it was taken i was in the low 40s but i’m glad to see that i haven’t tripped back over the 50 pound mark. cause i’ve been over it in the past. when i was in the Biggest Depression™   i was pretty far over that but after we got the kids i lost it and have managed to keep it off. i’ve done everything in my power my entire life to avoid saying my weight out loud but i guess i sorta have to get over that. no keeping the cat in the bag now.

so rupinder, my assigned np, sat and talked with me for about an hour. i told her my fears about surgery and my unique health challenges. she answered most of my questions and looked over my medical records. most of my stuff is high, not out of the acceptable range though. my cholesterol is high, but not scary high. my blood pressure and temperature, etc. are all at the highest end of the acceptable scale-- except my blood sugar. that is at the lowest end. of all the health problems that effect most fat people, i’ve been graced with a genetic disposition to have fairly low blood sugar most all the time so diabetes is strangely not really a threat to me. the only co-morbitiy i have along side my weight is weight-related stresses, i.e. my bad knee, my back, my feet. they all suffer because they are essentially carrying around the weight of 2 and 1/2 people all the time. it harks back to what i said yesterday: i am more fat than i am me.  she has submitted me for surgical consideration. i will have to jump through a few million hoops first. this morning i went in for blood tests. 10 vials. that’s not the most i’ve given, i used to give a pint of blood for blood donations at my high school but still, it was a lot of different tests obviously. the phlebotomist was nice. she complimented my earrings and kept fussing over me. i always feel like i should tell them that needles and blood don’t freak me out. i find them fascinating and almost comforting in a weird way. i learned to take my grandpa’s blood sugars and give him his insulin shots when i was 7 or so. i grew up around needles and blood so it has never been a source of stress or anxiety. speaking of anxiety, rupinder asked me if i was dealing with a lot of stress and i stated that outside the stress of this whole ordeal, i liked to live mostly stress free (outside DND games when shit gets wild), but then she asked about my anxiety and i... i never know how much to emphasized that i am always anxious. always. i always have obsessive thoughts about what is going on inside my body, what could be wrong with it. i always have obsessive thoughts about what could happen to the kids or my other family members as soon as they leave my eyeline. i always have morbid thoughts of grotesque deaths or impairments swirling around my head, that might effect me or those i love. i always have anxiety about leaving my house and having to interact with people. i don’t mind talking to people, that’s fine. i can talk but i am always scared shitless that i’m going to do something wrong or fuck something up no matter where i go. and i always feel like everyone is judging me. they are all looking at me and they can see how wrong everything about me is no matter how much i try to hide myself.  so i mentioned to her that i have just, roving general anxiety and she asked if i was talking medication. i said no. she asked why and i, just sorta shrugged. ‘money’ would have been the best answer but also the answer ‘because i don’t drive so i’d have to ask someone to drive me and i don’t want to burden other people with my stupid bullshit and my anxiety is just fake anyway so the real every day stuff has to be taken care of first before i can worry about my stupid brain’ is more true but less convenient. she told me she would be referring me to a psychiatrist so i can talk through my stress and anxiety about the surgery and weight loss. i’m not sure how that will go. i’ve never talked to anyone before. i mean, i once got called into the counselor’s office in like, 8th grade because someone reported me as being suicidal and indulging in cutting-- which at that time, i wasn’t. it wasn’t until about, a year and a half later that i did start engaging in self-harm. i sat in the office trying to figure out who had reported me and avoided talking about myself to the best of my ability. i just told them my grandpa had recently died (which was true) and that i was sad (also true) but nothing else was going on.  i never did figure out who it was. either way, talking to someone about my paranoia in regards to surgery will be interesting. i can’t wait to spew out all my fun, erratic fears about dying under the anesthesia or accidentally sneezing and my internal stitches ripping open then bleeding internally to death alone in my bed, and being found the next morning by one of the kids then my death having a direct effect upon their mental well-being. just fun things like that. in sillier news, i did my first urine test today(9.20.19).  i missed the cup twice. the fact that folks with vaginas don’t get like a funnel or something is wild. talk about shooting blind. like, i know the anatomy, i really do, but once your there in it, you just gotta have a come-to-jesus moment with your god and really flex your muscle control.  i also have to provide a stool sample which is even worse that the urine test for sure. they gave me a weird plastic bucket and a medically sterile popsicle stick to scoop the poop into a cup. then i gotta take my warm sample to the lab within an hour for the best results. i wonder what they will find in the stool that they can’t find my blood and urine. she mentioned she would be testing me for drugs but i know that is found easiest in urine and blood. i barely even take vitamins let alone anything ‘drug’ like. i’m looking forward to that even less. it is a lot of tests, appointments, therapy, group therapy, the looming surgery and lifestyle change. it is all just.............. incredibly intimidating. it is the biggest, scariest thing i’ve engaged in so far in my life. my medical history has gone from notes about my weight and that i had strep back in 2017 to every little thing about my DNA from multiple sources-- with pictures! it is all a lot and for someone like me that has spent their entire lives hating doctors and going out of my way to avoid them it is a big, BIG adjustment that i’m hoping i will be able to acclimate to. but for now, i get to look forward to pooping in a bucket on monday morning. also i need to lose 50 lbs on my own before sugery.     

[6gpymfzi-blog]

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[chump-stain]

My Grandmas

In 2018 I lost two of some of the most influential people I have had the luck of knowing in my life, in the short span of about 2 months. I could go on and on and on about how 2018 has effected me and how I’ve learned a lot more about myself and the working minds of others, but that’s for another time. This short story will be about my two grandmothers; Patricia(my mothers side) and Jewel (My fathers side) both whom I had lost earlier this year 2018. This will be about their impact on my life and a bit of reminiscing to go along with it.

Let’s start off with Jewel Davis, (mostly known as ‘Mimi’ to those she meets lol and has been Mimi my whole life.) A kind hearted, hard working mother who did her upmost to make sure that everyone in the room had a smile on their face, and boy just her presence and her sheer joy she always carried with her was enough to lift your mood and spirits almost immediately. She was the kind of person that didn’t see race or religion, she didn’t yell, she didn’t nag, all she wanted out of you was to make you smile :) Now Christmas has always been a wonderful tradition I have enjoyed to the fullest every year of my life and every year we’d get together at Mimi’s house for Christmas dinner and whatnot, and Mimi would gather some cookies and milk and carrots and lay them outside every year and tell all us kids that “the cookies and milk are for Santa and the Carrots for his reindeer!” And Christmas morning would come and half the cookies and carrots would be eaten and the milk half drank in an attempt to make Santa clause seem that much more real. 😂 she was just that kind of cheesball and It was her doing that kept that Christmas joy and warm, fuzzy feeling in your tummy all the time. But besides the Holidays this woman LOVED to travel and see landmarks all around Az ranging from Ghost town Jerome Az, to Camping In deep north Az and all around the world if she ever got the chance, and a lot of the time her and my Grandpa( aka my ‘Giddo’) would take me and my Twin brother Richard along for the ride. It was her who opened my world to the world and all its natural beauties... if it wasn’t for her I don’t feel i’d have taken to traveling or wanting to see the rest of the world like I want to do now. To me, Mimi was one for the most beautiful beings any of us could have had the pleasure to know, and it was gut curdling and heart wrenching to have to watch her go through lung cancer like she did. To see a Woman who had given her all in life not only for herself but for others as well, only to then be delt a terrible hand is beyond me. Kind of makes you feel as though it doesn’t matter whether you’re a good or bad person, we all are delt the hand we are given and that is life. It was after Mimi passed when I started to question “God” and the way that he/she/it works, but more on that later. Christmas is approaching fast and this will be our first year without our beloved Star of the show and quite frankly, I am pretty nervous.

Now Patricia Crisostomo (mostly known as Grandma 👵🏻) is my moms mom and before we get into her, I think it’s worth mentioning that my mother was very young when she had me and my twin brother (age 14).That being said we moved around quite a lot when I was young. From what I can count we went to a total of atleast 13 different elementary schools (with some middle schools here and there later) before hitting high school, suffice to say that we didn’t really have a secure ‘home’ other than that of my Grandmas house. Whenever my mother would be hard up for money or just needed to save more money, we’d move back in with Grandma and all would end up fine for the most part. Now grandma Pat wasn’t as outgoing or even as kind sometimes as, who I consider her counterpart Mimi. But she was Goofy 24/7, loved music and she liked to indulge in a little mischief here and there, telling me that the V8 tomatoe juice in the pantry was actually blood and that she was a vampire who kept her stash in the pantry😂 and even by playing favorites with the grandkids on purpose as a fun way of getting us to do chores. Ultimately though it was her love for her family and heart that drove you to love grandma pat unconditionally. In the face of conflict she would never turn you down if she had anything to do about it. If you needed a place to stay, food to fill your belly, or just a good conversation well grandma was the person to go to, and I found myself confiding in her for most of my life. It was no secret my grandmothers health was wailing down on her as the years passed... in one year she had both of her knee caps replaced so she could walk again, the next she was getting a pain reliever implanted in her back because she just couldn’t handle it, and then there was the pills.... My grandma suffered from diabetes and took a surplus of pain pills at an attempt at living comfortably, but in the end my grandma seemed more doped out than a crackhead sometimes. I’ve been through some pretty traumatic events throughout my life but This, this was by far the hardest thing I endured. Everyday coming home from work and making sure my grandma hadn’t fallen asleep at the wheel of her motorized Chair, because there was always a risk of her running into something or falling out of the chair, or painful trying to get her back into her bed while she sobs and cries that she “wishes and wishes” she couldn’t feel the pain anymore. Me too grandma, I wish I could have taken that pain away from you by the press of a button but alas, all I could do is be by her side as often as I could. Grandma Pat passed away sometime this July, and I wasn’t there. I thank god I wasn’t there because only two months prior in may, I had lost Mimi! and seeing her would have only made things much worse for my Psyche at the time. Despite that I am happy for her though, I am happy she isn’t in pain anymore and that I will get to tell others her story. I mean if it wasn’t for her I wouldn’t be here so, my love for her is as big as a lifetimes worth of memories.

Fast forward into December and here we are! I can now say without a shadow of doubt that the “god” people believe in with the power that stops evil in its tracks is non existent. History has made that much clear with war and famine, and poverty and illness. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that there is no god, or that this world is such a bad place, because it is not. My grandmothers taught me to love any and all others unconditionally, whether it be family or friends, or even just a random person you met on the street. You never know what they have to go home to so please, treat others as you yourself would like to be treated and above all else, put your all into your passions and what you love about yourself. Do not cave into anyone’s wants or try to mold yourself into something that you are not. Be yourself and only yourself. Travel, eat good food, dabble In the mischievous, break hearts, fall in love with others. Knowing my grandmas has taught me that life is too short, and that if we really do only get one chance at this shit, we better live it tf up before it hits us like a train moving at its fastest. I’ll end this off today with a quote I once saw on a Japanese oven mitten that weirdly enough, speaks more knowledge than most people I’ve known over the years.

“To be myself, in a world that constantly tries to paint me as something or someone else, is my greatest achievement.”

[somepeoplehaveitworsethani-blog]

Post #2 (March 13, 2017)

     I live with my grandma. She has hearing problems, vision problems, leukemia and diabetes so I’m here because she cannot live alone and she’s happier here than she would be in assisted living. Because of this I go about my day everyday knowing that I will likely be the last person she ever sees or talks to and I know that if anyone is to discover her having passed away in her sleep, It will probably be me. I don’t know how I’m going to handle this if or when it happens but while other people my age go about their lives, living like they’ll live forever, I am painfully aware of my own mortality. I have dinner with it every day at 6pm. 

     It’s so strange living with someone who knows they’re going to die soon. She had been married to my grandpa for 3 times longer than I’ve been alive. She has seen so much death. She said not too long ago that she wishes she could’ve gone with him. When she talks like this it makes a lot of my problems seem minuscule. I have always been against the idea that elderly people are to be trusted and respected no questions asked. The idea that they know more than young people because “with age comes experience”. Experience comes with experience, not age. Age does come with a certain perspective that can only be achieved by living a long time though. 

          OK so I feel like that’s a bit of an abrupt way to end post #2 so I wanna talk about something that is unrelated and related to the thoughts above at the same time. Why it took me almost 2 weeks to write a second post. Two words: choice anxiety. That last post had a lot of places where I could jump off into more detail so for the past week or so I’ve been trying to decide what to write while not feeling particularly inspired to write at all. Then today I went to go look on Twitter and I found out that the writer Amy Krouse Rosenthal had died today after being in the hospital with ovarian cancer. I went to google her because I didn’t know much about her and I found this incredible article on the New York Times’s website which you can CLICK HERE to read. The article is about her thoughts during her final days of being alive and how she hopes her husband can find someone else to be with after she dies. It is one of the best articles I have ever read and totally worth checking out. Reading it made me think about death which inspired this. I’ll try to write more often.