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carterenada · 2 years ago

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Welcome to me explaining the conceptual madness that is Album About High School Girl. Let me start with how I got the idea. I was thinking about how a lot of artists have made entire albums about one person and how crazy that is. To make an entire album dedicated to a person. Then, being in high school, I thought about how crazy it would be if someone in high school made an entire album about someone they go to high school with, and then released it while they still go to school together. So I decided fuck it I’ll do that shit. But I had to choose someone. And this girl came to mind who I had interacted with a lot throughout high school. I was totally over the whole situation, but realized that there was a story there. Not about her but about me. Although none of our interactions were super long or significant, they made me realize a lot about myself. And that’s what the album is about. Those things she made me realize.

Freshman Year intro:

This song is a short storytelling song that basically just sets up a bunch of themes that I build on throughout the album. It starts off with a few piano chords by themselves that are repeated at the end of the song with the lyrics I really don’t know how to start when my minds tearin itself apart and you’re the reason why. So the point of that was to set up from the beginning that all of my thoughts about this person are overwhelming and stressful for me, even though I don’t get into that for a few songs. Anyways the story is we had a class together freshman year and I always thought she was cool and confident and pretty and wanted to talk to her but never did because I assumed she wouldn't ever want to talk to me because I have trash self esteem and view myself as ugly and awkward and weird. I also assumed that she really was how she appeared on the outside. She also hung out with the kids in the class who were cool and popular but like in the tough way. And I’m, a pussy. As the year went on the teacher opened up a second computer lab because we were running out of space. And a lot of days it would be only me and her who would use it but we would never speak. The one day she brought her friend to the class with her and she started a conversation with me and I was super taken aback and surprised but excited that I got to talk to her. It meant my assumption that she’d never be interested in talking to me was somehow wrong. What I didn’t think about was she only did it while having her friend there, which is something that will be significant later in the album. No spoilers though, you’ll have to watch the whole video!

State of Mind:

State of mind is another song that’s supposed to give context to and explain later things on the album. The song details my current state of mind, when writing the album. Don’t worry I’m much better now. In some ways. In other ways I’m much much worse. Anyways! The song describes my struggle with mental health issues, mainly bipolar disorder. The main thing I talk about on this song is grappling with the fear of going crazy. This fear comes from derealization, meaning feeling like the world around me isn’t real and having a hard time differentiating between dreams and reality. I have really vivid dreams that feel so real that I feel like I’m still in them for a while even after waking up. I also talk about symptoms of BPD. I talk about how I’m able to recognize when I become manic and overly energetic or depressed and hopeless, and I can understand what’s happening and try to control it, but I’m worried that when I’m older I’ll end up like Kanye and not be able to control myself or have any self awareness. Keep in mind this was written months ago so props to me for predicting the future. Another thing I talk about is how my whole life with the pandemic was just being in my room all day every day and my curtains block out the sun and I sleep during the day so my sense of time was fucked. But when stuff opened back up, my life stayed the same because I had no friends and nothing to do. Halfway through the song the beat cuts and a little guitar ballad starts, which is cut off by a super glitchy transition. Then there’s a monologue of me ranting about all of the things that make me think I’m going crazy. The main theme of this is whether or not destiny is real and there’s someone or something controlling everything, and how I think there is because of all these coincidences I notice that can’t be real. It’s over a very fast paced, purposely dissonant piano instrumental that’s supposed to represent and help build my manic state of mind. Then I start talking over myself and then again and then there’s like 6 of me all talking over each other and then an alarm clock sound starts and a voice says “wake up” and then a voice repeats the word “70” at the exact same tempo as the alarm clock and then I come in rapping and say “I’d say 70 percent of the time I’m depressed it’s fine I’m used to it but the newest shit” and then start talking about all of the stuff I’ve been experiencing recently.

A Thing:

This song tells the story of how me and the love interest first started talking. So sophomore year I started talking to her through this other girl I was friends with. We snapped for a while. This other girl had said we should date and I made some stupid joke like about how I could never actually get her, and she just kept being like “I don’t know” and I wanted that to end so I asked her out as a bluff so that she’d admit she was just messing around. You know, like manipulation. But to my surprise she said yes and invited me ice skating. I was like fuck, this was not my plan. But then I was like fuck, this is pretty dope. (that’s a joke I’m an intelligent person I promise) We started talking more and more and it was going well. We would talk about our problems and vent to each other and it made me feel closer to her. And it turned out we had a lot of the same shit going on and she was so cool about it. I thought it was so cool that I felt alone and now had someone to relate to. She opened up about how she felt like her dad didn’t take enough of an interest in her and I was happy she felt comfortable disclosing that. I was also super surprised that she dealt with stuff too because I had created a conception of her freshman year as this perfect, beautiful, confident person with no problems, and expected her to adhere to that. I had prejudged her but I had no clue what she goes through.

Anyways it started off pretty good but started to go downhill for a few reasons. I felt like I was being too clingy and making it too serious. I felt like I always said the wrong thing and it was stressful. It was also awkward when we talked because I would facetime the original friend and talk about her and the conversations we were having. But I didn’t know my friend was facetiming her on her laptop and she was listening to us secretly. We also kept trying to make plans and she always canceled or didn’t really seem down. She faked being sick to get out of the ice skating. And all our plans were always also with our mutual friend. We had a plan to go to the movies, and my friend said she told her that she had to sit in the middle if we went. But I never really got mad because she had explained to me it’s hard for her because she has social anxiety. And we had only talked online. Our whole relationship was from behind a screen, and breaking that barrier by meeting up in person can be scary. My frustration with this is meant to help build up the resentment I have for social media that I talk about on a few other songs. Anyways the last straw came when she went to a hockey game and didn’t invite me and her friend even texted me and was like ouch I thought she invited you. So I got a tad angry, cuz I’m an emotional little weasel boy, and was like fuck it I’m done and blocked her on snap. Her friend told me to unblock her and I did and she explained that her anxiety was just too much to get over and she didn’t see herself doing it. But I never knew if that was really why because she started talking to someone else right after.

I thought you would save me

This song is about the idea of love and how we view it in an unrealistic and sometimes problematic way, specifically how we use it to give us false hope or pine after it as something that will fix our lives. Sophomore year I was super depressed due to the pressure I put on myself to get perfect grades in school. I was feeling really hopeless and thinking about ways that I could pull myself out of it. I thought about love and how it’s supposed to be this magical thing that makes you happy. I thought if I could find love it would fix my depression. So the idea I was trying to convey is that society created this idea of love through shows and movies and the pressure to get married. The idea is it’s this thing that everyone finds and it makes your life so much better. So at the time I believed that to be true. So when I started talking to her. I didn’t even have feelings for her, but I convinced myself that I could love her in the future. Even though I knew deep down that I couldn’t even have feelings for her, I wanted it so bad that I was actually able to trick myself into thinking I could love her. Just because having that hope, that possibility of getting better, made my pain so much more bearable. Which is why when it ended I was actually upset because I felt like I was hopeless again and it was my fault. Which is in hindsight maybe a bit-tad too much pressure to put on an ice skating date with a fellow 15 year old that my mommy was dropping me off at. So as we talked I interpreted everything that could be interpreted as reasons we’d be good together, as that. Mostly when we opened up to each other about stuff and I related to how she felt, I was like wow we really are compatible, when in reality we just had some of the same shit going on.

OMAD Interlude

Omad interlude is a transition to me talking about my eating disorder. This is relevant to the story because it’s important I was unable to believe that she would have any interest in me because she’s so much better than me. And the main thing that makes me so much worse than her in my mind is what I look like. This is where I introduce the idea that I started to doubt her intentions. Because there is no way that someone who looks like her holy-shit-this-album is-so-insane, could want someone who looks like me, it must be some sort of lie. My theories on how exactly her interest is not genuine will come up later. Uhhh, all the song is is a synth arpeggio that increases in speed and complexity while an excerpt from a textbook about self esteem that my therapist gave me plays in siri voice. Shoutout my therapist. He’s a cool dude. Terrible therapist, cool dude tho.

What I look like/nervosa3

So I tell the story of my eating disorder to explain how I started having such a low view of myself and how it effects how I view the world. So the first part of the song is me explaining that I don’t see how she could possibly be attracted to me and I don’t believe she is, it must be a lie. I say she must have had to defend my looks to her friend, which came from me seeing a tiktok where a girl was like yeah I literally had to defend my exes looks to my friends and I was like oh my god I would be that. I would be the guy you have to defend his attractiveness to your friends. Then I start telling the story of how I got to this point. My whole life I always knew I wasn’t attractive but I never really thought about it much or cared. I didn’t think it mattered that much. Then I got to high school and these girls in my class would call me ugly. But in that passive aggressive way where they’re “joking” so you can’t be mad but they’re really not. And I was like shit you know what I’m not gonna be ugly anymore. So I started running every day and eating healthy, and it worked. I got skinny, I could see my abs, I thought god didn’t give me those. For the first time in my life I felt confident. Then soccer season started and I didnt have the time or energy to run anymore. Then when it ended, I didn’t start again. And I gained the weight back. And then the pandemic started and I was like fuck it no one sees me anyway I’ll just eat what I want. And got fat. And i thought I could just lose it quickly before school started, but I didn’t know that losing weight you gained back is really difficult. Your body tries desperately to cling onto it. So I started getting into all this insane diet shit like counting calories and all these diet foods marketed as low calorie. I became obsessed with getting back to where I was as fast as possible. So I set my calories way too low and was so hungry every day. And sometimes I would cave and eat too many calories and then I would be like fuck it I already fucked up might as well make it worth it and binge eat, and then get full but still be obsessed with making the cheat worth it so I would keep eating past being full. And when I couldn't get my body how it was before it got worse and started a loop of extreme restriction and then extreme indulgence. I gained and lost 40 pounds like 4 times. I also tried to throw in some bo burnham type social commentary about tech companies and social media to sound smart. I mentioned how I keep getting ads for noom, which is a weight loss program. This is fucked up because instagram and youtube stored information about me to target this ad to me, and they knew that they were marketing a weight loss program to a teenager. I was 17 when I wrote this. My point is that they have no morals and target ads at you for money and don’t care about if it’s something that’s problematic for you to be seeing. There’s also a story about how during soccer season I tried the keto diet so I had no energy and would try to make up for not eating with an insane amount of caffeine. Like 10 scoops of preworkout. Did not go well. Yeah I felt crazy. It was kinda like my brain was moving and I was teleporting but in reality I could barely move. Shit is that what drugs are like. It’s named nervosa3 because of brakence.

Nervosa 4 rant

Nervosa 4 rant is all spoken word so you can just listen to it. It’s just me talking in more details about like how much dieting sucks and how important looks are in society.

High School Experience

High school experience is the story of my high school experience and my views on high school in general. This is included because it’s relevant to the story of me and the girl as well as how I viewed our relationship. So a summary of the story:

I was on and off in this friend group starting in middle school, but I would sometimes distance myself from it because I felt like the least liked least important one, the one no one really cared about. Like maybe I was just in it out of pity. And I felt like I was always excluded. Then high school started and the kids in it started caring about things like popularity. And I acted like a loud idiot, uh, always. So I felt like they were embarrassed of me. So when the pandemic started I just decided that I was done with it all and ghosted everyone. I was fine with this because I’ve always been introverted and liked being social but was fine without it. Then we started in person for junior year and I sat alone in every class. But in one class, a kid from the group sat next to me and I just couldn't not talk to him. I’m not sure why I just couldn't commit to being alone yet. It was too hard with him right there. And I didn’t want to be alone at lunch. It’s literally like an addiction where I go back and it’s kinda good and there’s some benefits but ultimately hurts me, because I don’t really feel like part of the group. Then one of the kids in the group told me he was having a party and that he didn’t want me to come because he was inviting girls that were popular. And it’s like I did it to myself by being an immature idiot but also that’s not a good friend. So for me that was confirmation that they were embarrassed of me and I isolated myself for the final time. And now I had no friends in real life, but still had all these digital friends on snapchat that I would never actually hangout with and I was like what’s the point of this shit if I don’t even have any actual friends. So I removed everyone I would never talk to, and that included the girl. Should I give her a fake name? Too late now. Then I talk about how there’s this idea that everyone should have friends and everyone around me tells me I need to meet people, but I feel like that’s not really true. Some people are totally fine without friends. Or is that just what I tell myself because I’m worried I can’t make friends. I also feel like I couldn't have friends just because it’s boring. All friendship is really is conversation, which is all the same few topics: work or school, other people, pop culture, and like sports. And I feel like we convince ourselves these conversations are more than they are because we need to fulfill our desire for human interaction so we trick ourselves into believing our nonsensical drivel has meaning to avoid the cold dark pain of loneliness. Let me know if this is an L take or not in the comments below. It’s the same with things to do, there’s like 3. Go to eat, shopping or a movie. Or sports games. Okay 4. There’s 4 things to do. And I don’t mean this in a high and mighty way where I look down on people who have friendships like this I’m actually jealous of them because friendship is great. I just don’t think I could have it. The rest of the song is me looking at this from the other perspective, wondering if I’m missing out. Maybe I would be happier with a normal high school experience. And what prompted this feeling was watching life pass me by on social media and watching everyone I know live the best years of their lives and hang out and do all these things while I’m always alone working on this fucking album. This one girl posts “photo dumps” on tiktok which is a compilation of pictures of all the fun things she did with her friends. Watching that did not make me feel very good. This is where I introduce the theme of my left brain vs my right brain. My left brain, which is more logical, is telling me I don’t want friends. But my right brain, which is more emotional, is telling me I want friends. Like I know deep down I wouldn’t enjoy having friends but the emotional part of my brain makes me want them. And then I finish off with more bo burnham shit about how social media is just a flexing competition of everyone trying to do the best things and have the most friends and look the best. And I also talk about how I’m not ready to grow

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tumbleweed-palmer · 3 years ago

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Wait there was more to that ask

Jimmy, me, awkward supply closet quickie

The Best Kind of Stress Relief

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She missed her boyfriend. Y/N knew this would be a totally ridiculous statement if she were to ever say the words out loud. How could she possibly miss him when they literally worked in the same building?

If she wanted to see her boyfriend so badly all she had to do was hop in the elevator, hit the down button, get off in the basement, and make her way on over to Autopsy. She’d find her boyfriend right there assisting Dr. Mallard as usual.

Even if she didn’t have the opportunity to see him during the work day she knew for a fact that they would go home together at the end of the day. Even if one of them worked late they’d still wind up in bed together at some point. They’d wake up together and go into work together unless Jimmy was called away early for a body pickup. They would be together in some form or fashion.

How could she possibly miss someone who she lived and worked with?

It was just this case...this case was eating up so much time. They both had work piled up to their eyeballs and they were so exhausted all the time. These past few weeks they had rarely even been able to share a dinner together that didn’t consist of terrible fast food they ate in the car on the way home. They barely had the energy to share a completely G-rated shower together at night before they collapsed in bed and got whatever few hours of sleep the good lord blessed them with before their alarms woke them up and they were pulled right back into work.

They hadn’t even had time to even have one of their usual lunch breaks together. Jimmy hadn’t been able to sneak away from Autopsy and come upstairs to linger around her desk. He would always sit at the edge of her desk and try his best to ignore Tony’s prodding of “Who let the Autopsy Gremlin out of the basement? Mini-Probie, you know he can’t leave the basement.” She hadn’t been able to make excuses to go down to Autopsy and linger herself trying to pretend that she wasn’t there to see her boyfriend but was there because she was totally interested in Dr. Mallard’s work. Dr. Mallard of course knew she was more interested in making moon-eyes with his assistant, but he’d at least been willing to play along with the story Y/N gave him. Lord knows he’d spent too much time gently encouraging Jimmy to pursue Y/N to get too grouchy that they were finally an item.

Jimmy’s and her lives were so intertwined together that the interruption in their usual routine felt so draining.

Y/N knew what she missed the most about her boyfriend at the moment. She missed the sex. They were so exhausted lately that they had no energy to do anything even remotely sexual.

They’d always shared an active sexlife. They were both overly affectionate people. They saw sex as a wonderful way to bond with one another. Not only did it feel amazing and it was a hell of a lot of fun, it was also something incredibly intimate. They saw it as a chance to be as close as two human beings could possibly be. They both understood that sex was an extraordinarly intimate action after all it involved being in such a vulnerable position with one another.

Their sexlife was amazing. It was passionate and filled with laughter and such intimacy.

He was the first guy she’d ever slept with where sex didn’t feel like such a chore. With Jimmy sex felt so fun and so loving. She felt so close to him when they made love. She didn’t feel exposed or as though she had to perform to stroke his ego. Sex felt the way it should with Jimmy. It felt like a wonderful way to show one another that they loved the other.

Jimmy Palmer was the most incredible man Y/N had ever dated. To say that she was absolutely devoted to him would be a vast understatement.

She could still remember how they’d even gotten together in the first place. Jimmy had been there for her when she’d felt so low. He’d somehow made everything seem okay.

She’d been recruited as the new probationary agent that would be working with Gibbs’ team.

She was terrified. She’d heard horror stories about Leroy Jethro Gibbs. The other probationary agents whispered about how tough he was. She’d only witnessed him from afar. He seemed so intense. She’d heard stories about how Gibbs hit his agents on the back of the head as a wake up call. She’d heard about how he had a million rules for his agents to follow, but he never told you the rules. He just expected you to learn them on your own and never forget them. She’d heard how he barked orders and expected results. He didn’t accept excuses or apologies. He would do anything to solve a case and he expected his team to follow suit. He was a tough cookie. He was a marine through and through.

Y/N was crapping herself at the thought of working under him.Part of her was excited. She’d hoped that this would be her chance to prove herself. Surely if she worked hard then everyone would see that she could make an amazing NCIS field agent. Surely this was her chance. Still though it had been so terrifying. She’d been overwhelmed with the feeling that she was in over her head.

She had tried her best to keep a tough exterior and to take whatever challenges Gibbs had thrown her way. On the outside it had looked as though she was excelling at every challenge thrown her direction. She kept determined. She held her head up high and tried to show how motivated she was to learn. She tried to give them the impression that she was strong. She tried to remind herself that she had worked too damn hard to get here. She worked way too hard to let Gibbs or anyone intimidate her from becoming a field agent. She tried to look to Ziva for inspiration. Ziva was so strong. She was such a strong agent who didn’t put up with anyone's crap. Y/N wished she could be more like Ziva.

On the inside though she felt like she was drowning. She felt so in over her head. It felt as though she was failing. She had to fear that she wasn’t strong enough for this. She wasn’t capable of this, a voice in the back of her brain insisted. She was so inferior and eventually everyone would see it.

She tried not to get too discouraged but it weighed on her so heavily.

Tony hadn’t made it easy. He had bestowed her with the nickname Mini-Probie. No matter how many times she asked him to call her by her name he still insisted she was “Mini-Probie.” or worse “Probie Jr.”

Later on of course she’d realize that Tony only bestowed the nicknames on her as a sign of affection. Tony tormented those he cared for.

At the time though it had felt so demoralizing.

Tony had thrown the worst jobs at her: Crawling through mud and dumpsters searching for evidence. Going into lakes and down hills. Going into the thickest woods to retrieve evidence. Carrying all the equipment. Gathering evidence off the floor on her hands and knees. Dusting massive surfaces for fingerprints all by herself. If there was a pet at a crime scene Y/N was handed a pet carrier and told to retrieve it. If there was a piece of evidence in some other god awful location Y/N was told to grab it and bag it.

He shoved the jobs no one wanted on her. It was the only way she’d learn he’d insisted. He was making her a better agent. He was a senior agent and he knew what she needed to do in order to learn.

McGee had tried to offer her reassurance though it was clear he was thankful that she was now the one stuck with the jobs he’d always been forced to take. Sure Tony might still call McGee “Probie.” but Y/N was clearly another victim and Tony seemed to take just as much pleasure at tormenting Y/N as he took in tormenting McGee. Misery did love company.

Y/N was close to cracking under the pressure.

She’d been once again tasked with yet another gross job that nobody else wanted. She’d found herself in a dumpster behind a seafood market searching for a gun that had possibly been tossed. She’d been left alone with the task combing through slimy fish parts trying not to puke. She smelled like rotten fish and all she wanted to do was crawl home and hide in her bed after she scrubbed her skin clean of the rotten stench.

Dr. Mallard had been so kind to her, offering her a chance to use the hazmat showers insisting that he was a true gentleman and wouldn’t stand for a lady being forced to drive home covered in fish guts.

She’d tried her best not to cry when he’d given her a gentle pat on the arm not cringing at the sticky remnants of fish parts crusted to her shoulder. “You’re doing well my dear. You took great initiative to retrieve that gun. That gun is a crucial piece of evidence. I’m sure Jethro will appreciate your determination. Take as long as you need to shower in the hazmat shower. There’s soap to use, it isn’t the nicest, but it will do in a pinch. There are a spare pair of scrubs in stock in Autopsy. I’m sure you can wear them home, though they might be a little large.”

She’d managed to work out a “Thank you Dr. Mallard.” trying to resist the urge to hug him. He had been so kind to her from the start. He made her think of her grandfather to be honest. Her grandfather was a lot like him; filled with stories. Her grandfather had quite the analytical mind as well. He’d actually had hope that she might go into the sciences like him, but Y/N had her heart set on this. Perhaps she would have been better off if she’d followed her grandfather’s dreams for her?

She’d showered so long scrubbing her skin so much it’d turned red and getting the water as hot as he could possibly stand. She didn’t care that the bar soap had made her skin a little dry.. Ziva had been kind enough to offer her some shampoo and conditioner gently giving her a tip to always keep some travel size soaps and shampoos in her desk. You never knew when you might need it Ziva had insisted. Y/N had scrubbed herself until she no longer smelled like rotten fish.

She’d found the blue scrubs without any problems relieved that they weren’t too large for her smaller frame.

When it was all said and done Y/N felt clean but still so defeated.

She took a deep breath trying to soothe herself and regather her confidence. She just had to get a hold of herself and remind herself of why she was here. She wanted to become a field agent; not a probationary agent. She wanted to become a real field agent. She worked so hard to get hired. She had to keep her chin up and keep going. Someday all of these terrible experiences would be worth it.

She’d found herself sitting in Autopsy at Dr. Mallard’s desk taking deep breaths trying not to cry. She refused to cry. She was a grown woman. She wasn’t going to cry.

She wasn’t sure why she remained sitting in Autopsy. There was something about the silence of the room. It was so quiet. It was the one place where she knew she might have a chance at being alone to gather her thoughts.

She’d barely noticed Jimmy Palmer enter the room, the man looking just as surprised to see her as she was to see him.

He felt his heart sink as he noticed how absolutely heartbroken she looked. Her face was downturned she looked up at him revealing that she was clearly trying not to cry. It broke his heart.

She was far too lovely to look so broken. She was so wonderful inside and out. She didn’t deserve to look so upset.

He’d definitely noticed the new probationary agent. She was an attractive young woman so of course he’d noticed her. To be honest he’d noticed how rough Tony seemed to be treating her. Jimmy could admit he’d had to bite his tongue on occasion when he witnessed Tony take it just a little too far.

He felt like a coward for not saying something. Y/N seemed to be the type of woman who’d probably see any attempt Jimmy made to say something to Tony as Jimmy suggesting that Y/N wasn’t capable of handling her job. She’d see it as a patronizing action and not an act of kindness or care.

Jimmy could admit he’d found several things to adore about Y/N/ He enjoyed her presence at crime scenes and around NCIS. Anytime she was the one who got to come down to Autopsy he felt his heart lift at the sight of her and he’d maybe tried to make more jokes then, hoping to work a smile out of her.

He adored her entire attitude on the job. She seemed so determined. He guessed he related to her in that sense, he was a student too after all. He studied under Dr. Mallard in hopes of becoming a full blown medical examiner instead of just an assistant and Y/N studied under the NCIS team hoping to become a field agent and not just a probationary agent. He respected her determination to go after what she wanted.

He liked how eager she seemed to please everyone. She was clearly a hard worker. He’d always found those values admirable and relatable.

It wasn’t just her sense of motivation that Jimmy liked though. He liked everything about her. She was as pretty as she was sweet. He liked the hint of perfume she wore. It was a soft floral scent he occasionally caught when she was near. It smelled like lilies. He liked her smile the few times he’d spotted it. He liked her laugh the few times he’d been lucky enough to hear it. He liked how soft spoken she seemed. He could admit he worried about how soft spoken she seemed. He knew the life of a field agent was difficult and dangerous. He had to hope someone who seemed to be as sweet and as gentle as her wouldn’t be harmed on the job.

He would be lying if he tried to claim that he maybe hadn’t developed a massive crush on Y/N. There was no chance of him not liking her as much as he did.

He knew it was useless though. She was a perfect ten and Jimmy was sure he was probably not anywhere close to being a perfect ten. He knew what people saw when they looked at him. People found him strange especially when they found out just what his career goals were. They saw him as being a geek who slouched too much and always said the wrong thing at the wrong time. They found him awkward and they found his sense of humor to be off putting. Sure he’d started hitting the gym and trying to have a bit more pride in his appearance, but he was very sure that women who looked like Y/N didn’t go for guys who looked like Jimmy.

Y/N spoke her voice cracking, praying Jimmy couldn’t see the tears threatening to spill from her eyes. “I should go, I-I...Dr. Mallard told me I could borrow some scrubs because my clothing was all fish gutty. It’s late so I should go. Tell Dr. Mallard I said thanks again, since you’ll probably see him before me. Have a good weekend Jimmy.”

Jimmy felt the words leave him unable to stand it any longer. He’d kept his lips sealed long enough. “Are you okay?”

She took a deep breath trying to hold it together. “I’m fine Jimmy. It’s just been a long day.”

Jimmy replied not willing to let it go. “You don’t seem fine.”

Y/N felt the tears fall then she unable to stop herself. Jimmy had always been so sweet to her. He was so polite and he tried to keep so positive. He was the one bright spot she knew she could count on at a crime scene. No matter how awful a crime scene was she knew that at least Jimmy would be there. He was always so cheerful. She didn’t understand how someone worked with the dead and saw just how much violence people were capable of could be so positive.

She spoke frantically wiping her eyes trying to pretend that she didn’t feel as awful as she so clearly felt. “It’s so stupid. It’s nothing to worry about.”

“It’s not stupid. I’m sure it isn’t stupid if it’s making you this sad. Of course I’m going to worry...I mean I know we haven’t known each other for very long, but I’d like to think that I’m still allowed to worry when I see you looking so down.” Jimmy insisted taking her by surprise as he made his way over to her.

He pulled out a chair at the desk motioning for her to sit, taking a seat in the other desk chair.

Y/N gave in telling herself it would make her feel better. It would make her feel better to have a friendly ear to vent to. She forced the words to fall from her as Jimmy frantically searched for a tissue, finally finding one and handing it over to her. “I just, I feel so overwhelmed.”

“You’re doing great though Y/N. I’ve seen you at crime scenes. You’ve been working really hard.” Jimmy replied so fast to reassure her.

“I’ve been faking it. I’ve been trying so hard but I’m so tired. I’ve worked so hard to get here. I’ve studied so hard and worked so hard. It’s all I’ve wanted for so long. I just, I’m in over my head.” She admitted the words spilling from her, feeling so good to get it all out.

She let out a heavy sigh shaking her head wiping her tears as she spoke. “Maybe I’m not made for this...Maybe I’m just not good enough.”

She was surprised by how fast Jimmy spoke in response. “That isn’t true. I know it’s been hard, but you said it yourself. You’ve wanted this for so long. You’ve worked really hard for this. You cannot stop now, not when you’ve worked so hard to get here. I know things may seem really rough right now, but I’m sure that things will get better. You’re doing really great. I mean Gibbs barely yells at you...and I don’t think he’s ever hit the back of your head, or I haven’t seen him do it.”

Y/N managed to laugh at this though it came out a little weepy. “He hasn’t...he has yelled, but he yells more at Tony than anyone.”

She let out a soft sigh, her tears managing to dry up a little she wringing the tissue she was holding in her hands. “Thanks Jimmy...today has just been the worst. I literally spent all afternoon in a dumpster searching for a gun. It was at a seafood market and Tony decided that I was the lucky one who got to dig through it. It was disgusting. I don’t think I ever want to eat seafood ever again... How long do you think he’s going to stick me with Probie duties?.”

“Probably until a new Probie comes along.” Jimmy replied, giving her an apologetic smile.

Much to his relief the comment didn’t make her feel worse, letting out a laugh that sounded a little less weepy. “On the bright side at least Dr. Mallard let me borrow the hazmat shower, which explains the scrubs.”

Jimmy felt the words leave him before he had a chance to stop himself. “If its any consolation, you look good in the scrubs.”

He paused his cheeks flushing more words spilling from him he stumbling a bit over his statement. “I mean, not that you don’t always look good...because you always look really good, I mean you always look really beautiful. You are beautiful... It’s just, uh you look nice in blue and uh...you l-look...you look good for someone who spent the afternoon in a dumpster filled with rotten fish parts.”

A little voice in the back of his brain told him he’d fucked everything up. She probably thought he was a total moron.

He widened his eyes surprised as she spoke her voice just as filled with shock. “You think I’m beautiful?”

Jimmy felt the words leave him he unable to deny it. He took a deep breath taking a chance. “Yes, always.”

It was her turn to feel her cheeks flush the words leaving her so soft he almost didn’t hear them “Thank you.”

He took another deep breath taking another chance. It was now or never. The worst thing she could do was tell him no. “Would you...uh, do you have any plans tonight?”

Y/N spoke a small shy smile crossing her lips. “No, I mean...I don’t have any plans unless Gibbs calls me in to work.”

Jimmy nodded his head working up the courage to ask. “Would you like to get dinner with me tonight? As in a date? I promise no seafood.”

The laugh that left her scared him for a moment. Was she laughing at him? Did she think the idea of him asking her out was so ridiculous that it had reduced her to laughter.

His doubts died as she spoke nodding her head the words leaving her. “I’d like that...would you be okay with me stopping by my place so I can change...I imagine you aren’t planning on going to dinner in your scrubs so I should probably ditch these.”

Jimmy was tempted to tell her he’d eat dinner with her no matter what she wore but he only managed to nod his head frantically the words spilling from him. “Of course, that’d be okay...I can just, uh I can follow you to your place and then we can leave for dinner in my car...if that’s okay with you?”

“Yes, that sounds great.” She insisted, standing up from her chair.

She hesitated for a moment, taking a chance as she leaned down, taking Jimmy by shock as her lips pressed to his cheek. She spoke her own cheeks flushing just as dark as his. “Just let me go get my purse and I’ll be ready to go.”

That dinner date had been the start of something wonderful. It hadn’t taken them long to become official. It had only taken a couple of dates before Jimmy had worked up the nerve to ask her to be his girlfriend.

They hadn’t looked back after that.

Things at work were still hard at times. Y/N still felt defeated at times. She still felt overwhelmed more often than she’d like to admit. Jimmy made it easier though. He made things seem so much brighter.

They’d been together for a little over two years now and they’d learned to lean on one another through the changes they’d endured at work and the stress and danger of their careers.

She was sure that she loved him more than she’d ever loved anyone. That was why this was driving her insane.

To be frank she was horny and stressed and exhausted. It was a deadly combination. She missed her boyfriend. She needed him so badly she wanted to cry.

As hard as she tried to focus on the case and her job any time she had a moment of silence her mind drifted back to the last time Jimmy and she’d had sex. It had been after a night out at a local bar with everyone at work. They hadn’t stayed long, they both making an excuse to leave early. The second they’d gotten home they’d barely made it to the bedroom. She kept thinking about all the filthy things Jimmy had moaned against her ear while he was grinding against her. He talked so much as it was and that trait didn’t go away when he was inside of her. He surprisingly had a filthy mouth when he got lost in pleasure. It was kind of amusing sweet gentle Jimmy who wouldn’t even watch an R rated film would moan in her ear about tight she was and how hard he wanted to fuck her.

Remembering all these little details wasn’t helping her ignore the desire coursing through her.

She finally decided she’d had enough. She knew it was a risky move but she needed to do this. It was either do this or attempt to take a cold shower in the hazmat showers.

It had been surprisingly easy. She knew her boyfriend’s routine after all. Even in a time like this when things were so hectic she knew that everyday around 3 Jimmy would go grab a cup of coffee and a snack. He cut his lunch break a little short just so he could have the time to step away to do this.

Jimmy hadn’t expected the arms to reach out from the supply closet yanking him by his scrub top into the closet.

He widened his eyes his heart still racing even as he realized exactly what was going on. Her lips pressed to his he eagerly returning the kiss but only for a brief moment he pulling from her the words spilling from him. “What’s going on?”

She pressed her lips down his jawline the words leaving her. “I’ve missed you so much.”

He chuckled at the action and her words. “You just saw me this morning.”

She continued to press kissed along his jawline working her way down his neck nipping his skin pulling a soft moan from his lips.

She spoke her words muffled against his neck. “I know, I just love you so much. I’ve missed you so much baby.”

She continued to suck and nip at his neck knowing she would definitely leave a mark behind in her wake. Jimmy couldn’t stop the soft moans from leaving him finding it so easy to sink into her affections his body easily reacting remembering just how badly he’d missed this.

She ran her hand down his body between them knowing her destination as she continued to work her lips against his pulse point.

He felt a surprised squeak leave him as she placed her hand over his crotch gently massaging him causing his cock to slowly begin to harden his body definitely remembering just how badly he’d missed her.

He pulled from her speaking frantically. “What, what are y-you doing?”

She gave him a flirty smile staring up at him clearly able to see how dark his eyes had gone with lust. “What do you think I’m doing? You’re a smart guy, I think you know.”

He felt his cheeks flush realizing her hand hadn’t left his crotch. He managed to speak his voice still a little frantic. “I uh-he-here? I mean r-right now? Here?”

“Yes, here.” She replied her lips pressing to his jawline again.

He sighed closing his eyes fighting the urge to sink into this his fears still running through the back of his mind. “What if s-someone walks in or hears us?”

She giggled fast to reply her lips still pressing along his jawline. “No one will walk in and no one will hear us as long as you’re quiet.”

She pulled back her voice taking a serious tone realizing he seemed pretty tense. “If you aren’t okay with it then It’s fine Jimmy. You can say no and I won’t be upset.”

Jimmy quickly debated his choices in his head. He could promise her that they would pick this back up at home. He could wait it out until his body no longer showed how excited he was. Then he could walk back to Autopsy and pretend nothing had happened.

Or he could give in to what his body was screaming it wanted. She’d told him she missed him, and he’d missed her. He’d missed her so much it was driving him insane.

Of course he might die from embarrassment if anyone walked in on this or even overheard them.

He loved her so much though. He wanted her so much. He wanted this so much.

He took a deep breath, his lips pressing to hers before he pulled back speaking. “We have to be quick and you have to be quiet.”

“I’m not the one we have to worry about. You’re the loud one.” She remarked her lips finding his.

He pushed her against the wall, his hand so easily roaming her body as he spoke. “That’s funny coming from someone who moaned my name so loud one time that the neighbors complained the next day.”

“That’s because the walls in your old apartment were paper thin.” She insisted a soft moan leaving her as he began to work the buttons of her shirt open sliding it from her body.

He groaned as he pulled the shirt from her his eyes locking down at the pink lace covering her breasts. “Fair enough.”

She giggled knowing him well enough to know that she always had a chance of winning any disagreement when he spotted her breasts.

He wasted no time to work his lips along her neck nipping and sucking as he worked his way down her shoulder pulling more giggles and soft moans from her. He pressed his lips against her cleavage nipping and sucking, unable to stop himself from grinding against her.

He ran his hands up her back easily finding her bra clasp and working it open pulling it from her body. He moaned as her breasts were revealed to him, wasting no time to lock his mouth over her breast suckling.

She whined her fingers running through his hair messing it as he worked her breast easily working it before moving to her other breast giving it the same treatment.

He only pulled back as she pulled his scrub top up pulling it and the white undershirt he wore up and over his head tossing it on the floor. He moaned as she pressed her lips to his chest, nipping sure she would leave a mark there too.

He whined as she worked her way down his body, dropping to her knees. He groaned as she stared up at him, unable to stop his hand from pressing to her cheek as she leaned against his touch. She spoke, her voice teasing. “I thought you said we had to make this quick.”

He nodded his head, the words spilling from him. “I know. I just love you so much.”

She spoke, her fingers sliding under the waistband of his scrub bottom and boxers. “And I love you.”

He groaned as she pulled his pants and boxers down, allowing them to rest around his ankles, the sight probably looking ridiculous but he was a little too distracted by the moan that left her lips to worry about that.

She spoke, her lips pressing along his shaft, her breath warm against him. “Is this for me?”

“Always, always for you.” He moaned his head falling back as he continued to press kisses along his shaft her hand resting against his balls massaging them

He groaned as he locked her lips around him, bobbing her head enthusiastically. He groaned his eyes practically crossing his knees already growing wobbly. God, he’d missed this. He’d missed this so much more than he realized.

She worked his cock he putting his hand over his mouth trying to stifle his moans. She pulled back a giggle leaving her, her hand wrapping around him and stroking. “Yeah, you’re real quiet.”

He giggled against his palm, his hips rocking against her touch.

She placed her lips back around him pulling her hand back to bob her head once again more moans leaving him muffling against his palm.

He stared down at her, his hips continuing to rock, unable to believe how perfect she really was. She was so amazing. She was all his. Somehow he’d managed to win her heart. He was the only one who got to do this with her. If he had his way she would be the only one he did this with for the rest of his life.

He groaned, finding it so hard to muffle his noises. She was right, he was the loud one.

He grunted knowing that if she kept this up at this rate he was going to cum. It was almost pathetic really. In his defense it had been so long since they’d had a chance to do this and he’d been so stressed lately. He was sure any kind of stimulation from her no matter how brief it was might cause him to burst.

He pulled back from her his cock bobbing a groan leaving him as he pulled his hand from his mouth. “I need you, I need you so fucking bad.”

She stood up from the floor kicking her shoes off and unfastening her pants sliding them down her body along with her panties.

He groaned searching the room trying to decide how he wanted to go about this.

He sighed knowing his knees still felt pretty wobbly. He was so desperate he didn’t trust himself to stay upright at the moment. Besides, he didn’t think pushing her against the wall so close to a shelf was a good plan. He could already imagine the risk of pulling down a shelf.

He quickly made his choice telling himself that even if the floor might not be the cleanest it was the best option.

He sat down resting against the wall motioning to her. “Here, ride me.”

She giggled making her way over to him a deep groan leaving him as he watched her. There was something so intoxicating about the sight of her standing over him like this nude and wanting him.

He groaned knowing he might have a bit of a submissive side to him. Though he guessed that was pretty obvious given his overeagerness to please her. He’d do anything for her, he’d give her anything. All she had to do was say the word and he’d give her anything. He was always so desperate for her, so desperate to make her feel good. He was always so desperate to make her happy. He was always in such awe that she wanted him. She could have anyone and she’d chosen him.

He ran his hands along her thighs as she approached him, a groan leaving him his eyes locking down at her center. “If I had more time I’d eat you out right now, fuck. This case better be over soon or I’m gonna find whoever killed that petty officer and kill him myself.”

She giggled at this comment, shaking her head. He was the only guy she’d ever dated who seemed to love going down on her. She’d definitely noticed just how much he enjoyed pleasing her. Of course she was always willing to make sure she pleased him in return. She had to find it downright awe inspiring just how much he adored pleasing her though.

She lowered down straddling his lap not allowing him to enter her just yet his lips pressing to hers. She reluctantly pulled her lips from his reaching forward and pulling his glasses from him.

She spoke, giving him a gentle smile as she set his glasses down on top of her pile of clothing. “I don’t want anything to happen to them.”

He gave her a lovesick smile not helping but to adore how she always looked out for him even in the tiniest ways. He groaned as she pressed her lips back to his.

He reached down between them grasping his cock sliding it along her she so wet he wanted to cry. He had a feeling he might not last as long as he was hoping. He knew it was going to take some serious effort on his half to hold back.

He grunted his moan muffled against her lips as she lowered herself over him, taking him slowly down to the hilt. He groaned she so tight and wet and so hot. He grasped onto her hips squeezing so tight he had a feeling he’d leave bruises behind.

She gasped, the feeling of him inside of her always a little overwhelming. He filled her so perfectly and in this position he hit at such a different angle. She had to adore how close she felt to him at this angle. This was exactly what she needed to feel so close to him.

She wrapped her arms around his shoulders, taking her time slowly rocking over him moans intermingling between their kisses.

He kept a tight grip on her hips encouraging her movements. She felt so good. He couldn’t stop himself from voicing it he speaking against her lips. “Fuck, I’ve missed this. I’ve missed your pussy so much.”

She giggled shuddering against him, unable to deny how much she loved a little dirty talk. There was something so flattering about knowing that sweet polite Jimmy Palmer could say such filthy things. She knew she was the only one who got to see this side of him. It was a side of him that was reserved for her and her only.

She spoke trying to keep her voice down, finding it so hard not to moan as loud as she wanted to when he felt so amazing. “Feels so good Jimmy. Missed you, missed this so bad. You always feel so good.”

He groaned, pressing his lips to hers doing his best to rock up against her as she continued to ride him. This position was hell given the fact that the floor was freezing and hard, but he found it hard to complain too much when she felt so amazing.

He pressed his lips to her neck, his voice muffled against her neck. “I love you, I love you so much sweet girl. My sweet girl, so good for me.”

She whined burying her face against his neck she riding him enthusiastically, his hands still squeezing her hips so tight. She managed to speak the words muffled against his skin. “I love you Jimmy. God, I love you so much.”

They continued like this, their moans muffled against one another’s skin, she rocking against him finding the perfect rhythm, Jimmy doing his best to encourage her movements.

She couldn’t believe this was happening. If anyone had told her way back when she’d been hired on as a probationary agent that she’d one day find herself riding the medical examiner’s assistant in a supply closet she would have never believed it.

Then again she also never would have believed that when she’d walked into Autopsy the first time that she’d be meeting the love of her life. She had to wonder that if she knew back then what she knew now if it would have made those first few months at NCIS any easier.

She whined against him, feeling so amazing. She spoke against his neck “Such a good boy Jimmy. So fucking good.”

He grunted shuddering against her, her words making him throb. Oh yeah he definitely had a kink for pleasing her.

This entire experience was actually more than a bit of a kink for him. He couldn’t help but to get off on the idea that anyone could walk in on this. Anyone could hear this. Anyone could hear just how much he was pleasing her. The thought filled him with such a sense of pride.

Of course realistically he knew he’d die of shame if anyone ever walked in on this or heard it, but for some reason the risk of being caught or overheard turned him on so much.

She slid a hand down between them, her fingers sliding along her clit rubbing it helping herself feel all the more amazing.

Jimmy groaned gazing down between them, his voice sounding out in a hushed whisper. “That’s my girl, fuck yes.”

She whined her head falling back, she biting her bottom lip to hush her moans. He stared up at her still so in awe of her. He had to wonder how he’d gotten so lucky.

He pressed his lips against her breasts suckling them as she rode him, her fingers continuing to rub her clit in a circular pattern.

They continued like this, both knowing this would be over quicker than they’d hoped. This had been just what they needed though. This was always their preferred method to cope with stress. Anytime things at work got to be too much they knew they could find pleasure in one another. Of course usually they were able to wait until they got home, or at least got to the backseat of his car in the parking garage.

They were amazed at their ability to find comfort in one another. They both knew that no matter what happened they had one another. When a case went well they could celebrate the success with one another. When a case went wrong they knew they could find comfort in one another.

When one of them had a terrible day they both knew that they could lie in one another's arms pressed skin to skin together. They didn’t even have to do anything more than hold one another and it would be enough.

She was sure she’d never found more comfort with anyone than she’d found with Jimmy. He was quite sure he felt the same.

There was a reason he’d begun looking at engagement rings secretly on an incognito tab on his laptop anytime he had a chance to do so without anyone seeing it and figuring out the plans dancing around in the back of his mind.

He knew that one day hopefully soon if he was lucky enough he would make her his wife. He would have the rest of his life with her. Growing old with her sounded perfect.

She spoke, her voice rising a little bit more than she meant the words falling from her. “Jimmy fuck, you’re so good baby. I’m so close.”

He pulled from her breasts placing a hand at the back of her head pulling her down muffling her moans with his lips. He spoke giggling against her lips. “Sssh not too loud baby.”

He pressed his lips back to hers as she continued to rub her clit, she continuing to rock over him losing rhythm the longer she moved. He gripped down onto her hips helping encourage her movements as she got closer and closer to the edge.

She whined her back arching, shaking against him as she reached her end. She moaned against his kisses muffling the noise. She quivered against him her nails digging into his back as she came her center contracting around him.

He grunted the sensation of her squeezing him so tight making his cock ache.

He allowed her to rock against him she shaking as she worked her way though her orgasm.

She gasped as she came down from her high she so sensitive.

She resisted the urge to pull back from him the feeling so intense. She wanted him to cum. She needed him to feel so good.

She pulled from his lips moaning against his ear her voice so soft and so needy saying just the thing to get him there. “Please Jimmy. Come on baby. Cum for me my good sweet man, let go for me.”

He grunted his fingertips digging into her skin knowing he would have to rub lotion against her hips tonight. Her skin would be sporting so many bruises after this.

He felt his end hit him hard he shaking his face burying against her neck muffling his moans of her name. He came hard spilling into her, she rocking against him working her pelvic floor muscles trying to milk his release. He whined as he felt the last of his release spill from him he knowing they were making a mess. He would have to find some tissues or something to clean them.

She remained ontop of him even as he began to soften his grip on her so tight he refusing to allow her to pull from him.

He spoke his voice low and raspy a drowsy laugh leaving him. “I’m going to find whoever inserted your IUD and thank them.”

She giggled her nose scrunching at the comment his cheeks flushing from more than the orgasm he was recovering from. He spoke another laugh leaving him. “Sorry, I know gross.”

She shook her head smoothing back his messy hair as she spoke her voice low. “It does beat the hell out of dealing with condoms.”

He pressed his lips to hers so thankful that she always had a way of making him feel less like an awkward idiot.

They widened their eyes as they heard an exasperated voice out in the hallway. “Has anyone seen Mini-Probie?”

Y/N muffled her laughter against Jimmy’s shoulder as an unfamiliar voice replied. “Who?”

“You know, Agent Y/L/N?” Tony sounded out still sounding so fed up.

They were thankful as his voice faded off, Tony clearly moving away from the supply closet.

Jimmy pressed his lips to hers his hands pressing to her cheeks he holding her against him even as they pulled from the kiss. “We should probably get back out there.”

She pressed one more kiss to his lips as she spoke. “I love you.”

“And I love you. You can drag me into a supply closet anytime you want.” He replied trying not to sound so eager.

She chuckled shaking her head as she moved up and off of him trying not to cringe at she mess they’d made. “You better not make that offer. I’ll keep taking you up on it.”

He smiled up at her, that lovesick smile once again returning to his lips. He had a feeling he wouldn’t have any problems with that.

“It doesn’t even have to be a supply closet. We could try a few other locations. I’m pretty sure I could find so many places for us to find some privacy around NCIS.” He exclaimed, causing her to giggle, he absolutely loving the sound.

It was such a world away from the sorrow filled girl he’d comforted in Autopsy a little over two years ago.

God, he loved her.

He had to hope she’d take him up on his offer. He wasn’t lying, she could pull him into the supply closet anytime she wanted.

#smut #Jimmy Palmer #Jimmy Palmer X Reader #Jimmy Palmerxreader #Jimmy Palmer/reader #ncis #ncis fanfiction #jimmy palmer fanfiction

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bbystark · 4 years ago

Text

Anxious Baker

Gordon Ramsay x reader

Request: “Hi ! Gordon Ramsay x reader please ? This is a weird ask but like reader having an anxiety attack or something and them passing out in his arms idk idk you can ignore this if u want - 🤍”

Warnings: Talk of mental health, anxiety, panic attacks

A/N: This is so terribly late and I apologize. I’ve finally figured out how to balance work and college so now I’m back on track for having free time to write. Also, I love the fact that someone requested Gordon Ramsey. I literally will dump anything on my blog, hopefully this is proof. (is this the first Gordon Ramsay fic on tumblr?)

Word Count: 1695

Requests | Feedback

You hum quietly, stirring the strawberries that were slowly reducing in a pot. You dipped your finger in, bringing it to your lips. You exclaim to yourself in delight, surprised that you were pulling off the recipe you had chosen. You turned the pot off, spinning around to pour the syrupy strawberries over the now-chilled pound cake.

You set the pot down, leaning on the counter to take a small break. You smiled to yourself and took a deep breath. Everything was going good.

Nothing is wrong, you remind yourself as thoughts in the back of your head nag at you.

You had struggled with anxiety for a while, and had become accustomed to random racing thoughts and heart acceleration. You were proud that you were working through it, even if you had a bad day once and a while.

As far as you could tell, today was a decent day. Baking was a safe escape for you, and you weren’t too bad at it. At some points it could be stressful, but being able to get rid of worries and focus on what was in front of you was therapy, in your mind.

You’re pulled from your thoughts by the doorbell ringing, causing a smile to spread across your face. You wipe your hands on a dish towel nearby and jog to your front door. When you make it there, you throw it open.

Gordon.

“Hello, Darling.” He steps in the door, hanging his jacket up on the rack and toeing his shoes off to the side. He sets the other things he was holding down and reaches towards you.

You step into his arms, your head briefly resting on his chest.

“Gordon! It’s been so long.”

He releases you, gently grasping your shoulders to hold you at arm's length.

“You look good,” he pauses, “And what’s that delightful smell? You’ve been baking again haven’t you?” He smiles down at you.

You smile bashfully. “I have. It’s strawberry shortcake this time. Nothing earth shattering.”

“Well I’m no pastry chef but if you made it I know it will be amazing love.”

You blush a little, realizing he’s still holding onto you. You roll our eyes, trying not to seem flustered and reach for the bags he had previously set down.

“What’d you bring me, old friend?”

“Old you say?” He follows you into the kitchen.

You set the bag down on the island, glancing up at Gordon as he nudges you aside and starts taking containers out of his bag.

“Skillet Cod with lemon and capers. It’s from the Tahoe location I’ve recently opened.” He moves around you with confidence, finding the cupboard you keep your plates in and pulling two out.

You grab forks, making your way to the table and setting two spots. Gordon joins you, placing plates down and plating the food from the “to go” boxes. It’s still warm, and somehow he manages to make it look like it just came out of the pass.

“This looks great Gordon. How’s the restaurant faring?”

He sits beside you, passing you a napkin. The whole thing seems too domestic and you almost hate how much you love the idea of life being like this every day.

“Just fine darling, my head chef is fully capable but it doesn’t stop me from making frequent trips up here,” He looks up from his food and gives you a sly smile, “Tahoe is truly a world treasure.”

You laugh. You have lived in California your entire life and oftentimes forget how lucky you are to have Lake Tahoe at your fingertips.

“I certainly don’t mind all the company I’ve been getting. Speaking of, when are you going to take me to your crowning achievement, hm?”

He laughs.

“Very soon, I promise.”

Conversation continues easily between you two, simply catching up. Occasionally one of you would look a little too long at the other, but fleeting glances would scare your gazes away. At some point, wine was brought to the table and you had a few drinks in (you swear it was only a few) and your head was swimming in a very pleasant way.

That was, until a smoke detector went off. Your heart rate accelerated almost immediately, eyes widening. Did you leave the stove on? Was it something else? Oh god, was your house about to burn down?

A million thoughts race through your mind and suddenly your throat seems very dry and tight.

You bolt up from your seat, rounding the corner. The stove was fine, and there were no flames anywhere else. The cake was still safe on the counter. Suddenly you realized there was smoke in the air and it was coming from the oven.

You had left it on after you took the cake out. You opened it after clicking the cancel button, a mass of smoke billowing out.

“Y/n? Isn't everything alright?”

You almost don’t hear him, too busy looking for what exactly was burning so badly. When the smoke clears a little bit, you see the now black batter at the bottom of the oven, realizing how stupid you currently felt. You had spilled some earlier when putting the cake in the oven, and had tried to remember to clean it up once the oven had cooled.

You now didn’t feel fear, just overwhelming embarrassment. Gordon had just witnessed you totally freak out over virtually nothing. Your throat felt tight and your eyes began to sting. You quickly shut the oven, bracing yourself against it. It was only getting harder to breathe, and it wasn’t helping that you were trying to stifle your emotions.

“Y/n darling-”

You’re braced against the oven, chest heaving. You can’t really lie to yourself any longer and say you aren’t panicking, because you are and suddenly every coping mechanism your therapist taught you is thrown out the window and god you don’t want anyone- much less Gordon- to see you like this.

Your anxieties are only piling on and you suddenly have tunnel vision, slumping even more onto the oven. You faintly feel Gordon’s hands underneath your arms, probably holding you up at this point. Your vision is swimming and you feel sick.

For a moment or so there’s nothing, and slowly you begin to feel better as your vision returns. You only feel so, so tired as you realize you had just passed out.

“There you go love, take it easy.”

You blink a few times, looking at your surroundings. You're on your kitchen floor, in Gordon’s lap. He’s stroking your hair, his brows furrowed.

“You look like you do when you get pissed on Hell’s Kitchen.” You let your head fall back onto his lap.

“Jesus fucking christ you scared me. What was that?”

“Just a panic attack, I think.”

“I thought they were getting better, that you were making progress?”

He looked genuinley worried and you realized how dumb your brain was for being overly anxious about having a panic attack in front of him. Which was ironic, seeing how more panic only made a bigger panic attack.

“I was. Sometimes they’re still bad, never like that though.”

“Are you sure you’re okay, should we go to the hospital?”

You try to sit up, only for Gordon to put a hand on your shoulder. You half smile allowing yourself to lay your head back down.

“Really Gordon, I feel better. It’s nothing but my brain overreacting a bit. I promise.”

He’s stroking your head again, and you can see he doesn’t believe you. You don’t blame him, he hadn’t experienced mental health issues in the same personal way you experienced them. This was something you had to deal with everyday, and he didn’t. You understood how concerning this probably seemed to him.

“I think I should stay tonight, just to make sure you’re okay.”

He helps you up, slowly, and being ever so careful with you. He leads you to your room, barely allowing you to change into pajamas. It was endearing how worried he was for you, but there was still a slight concern that you were being a burden.

“Are you alright?” He peaks around the door when you give him the okay, and you see that he’s shed his jacket and is now in sweatpants.

“Yes,” you sit on your bed, trying to hold in a yawn. “Are you sure you can stay tonight?”

“I would have been heading back to my hotel anyway. I don’t leave until Saturday.” He sits next to you on the bed, looking as if he’s gonna fret over you again.

“You can sleep in here, if you would like. My couch isn’t the most comfortable…”

“You didn’t think I was leaving you alone after that, did you?” He rolls over you, jokingly grabbing a pillow and bumping you with it. “This is my bed now too until I know you’re absolutely okay.”

You flush, and roll your eyes once again. “If you insist.”

Your heart is racing again and you almost laugh. This is a different kind of anxiety, the kind that makes your heart swell with love and the butterflies in your stomach to flutter around gently. It was exciting.

You turn and turn off your bedside light, crawling under the covers. You feel Gordon do the same, situating himself. You’re about to whisper goodnight when he pulls you into him, your head resting on his chest. He gives you a kiss on the forehead, squeezing your shoulder in a comforting way.

“Goodnight my love.”

“Goodnight Gordon.”

You suddenly feel content. No anxiety in the back of your mind, only bliss and safeness. There’s an unspoken promise that Gordon wishes he could voice, the solid promise of love that neither of you were quite ready to explore yet. But all of that didn’t matter at the moment. The only thing that he could feel was your steady heartbeat and rise and fall of your chest.

He unspokenly loved you, and that was enough for now.

“You know, we never got cake.”

“Cuddling you is dessert enough for me,” a pause, “Actually I will be stealing a slice tomorrow.

Thank you for reading!

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that-one-loz-nerd · 3 years ago

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This is gonna be a long post so I'll put it under the cut. Basically, I started college at the start of September and it was a real rough time for me because it was so hard to get used to it. Hell, I'm still not fully used to it. So, I'm gonna create a little list of tips for y'all who have started college.

Note: I'm talking about further education NOT higher education. This is mainly for British ppl or those who have a college system that isn't uni

1. It's okay to feel overwhelmed or stressed when you first start - regardless of whether you enjoyed secondary school (like I did) or didn't, college is a major shift. At least 80% of first year students in college will be feeling the same, so don't feel like it's your fault or that you're alone.

2. Speak to someone - If you've been feeling stressed or anxious about college, speak to someone about it. Whether it's your parents, siblings, pets or a form of student support, talk to someone you trust about your worries. It really helps.

3. Find out where student support is - speaking of student support, it's important to make sure you know how to contact them and where to find them. Their job is to help students like you through stress about college life, so don't feel bad about going to them for a quick chat.

4. Do stuff you enjoy - it's hard to talk to people immediately, especially if you think the anxiety will pass over time. If you start to feel anxious or overwhelmed, go play your favourite game, watch your comfort series or anything you enjoy. Most of the time you'll completely forget what you were worrying about or you'll realise that you don't need to stress about the thing you're thinking about. However, if you start to feel even more stressed, speak to someone.

5. Don't worry about making friends - if you're like me, you had the vision of going in on your first day, talking to them person sitting next to you then two weeks later you've made about five friends. Life doesn't work like that. You will make friends eventually, it just doesn't happen immediately. If you see people with large groups of friends and you think "I wish I had that, how have they already made so many friends?", chances are, they're second or third year students who have had the time to make friends, or they're friends they've had since secondary school. If they have that many friends and are only in their first year, then they're an extreme extrovert, and barely any of us are extroverts. Loneliness and social axiety are common worries in college but it will pass, I promise. If you want to make friends, you'll make them somehow. If you don't, then that's fine too, you do what you want.

6. You don't have to enjoy college - At the current moment in time, I feel pretty decent about college. I don't feel overly excited by it, but I no longer feel anxious either. A lot of people say that college was the "best time of their life", but that might not be the case for you. You don't have to live up to what the majority of society believes. If you really don't like college, don't be ashamed to drop out. This is your life, you decide what you want to do, but just know that dropping out should be your last call, not your first. Feeling a little anxious at the start of college doesn't mean it isn't for you, it just means that you need time to adjust.

7. Talk to your tutors if you're stressed about work (or anything) - I get it, it's scary meeting your tutors for the first time. However, they are there to support you. It's their job to make sure you learn, that's the point of college. If you feel overwhelmed by the work, don't afraid to talk to them about it. They would much rather you talk to them and get better rather than suffer in silence and never improve.

8. Make sure your subject choices are right for you - when you were in your last year of secondary school, you might've thought you would enjoy x, y and z subjects. However, things change over time. If your unhappy with any of your subject choices, tell your tutors. They'll help you pick the subjects that are right for you.

9. Stop comparing college to secondary school - I've done this way too many times. In fact, I still do it and I've been in college for 3 months. Secondary school and college are completely different things and comparing them will only make you feel worse. It's difficult to move on from comp, especially when the people you considered friends now seem like strangers. But don't let this get you down. If they've moved on, so can you, it takes time to move on from something that you spent around 5 years of your life doing.

10. Don't think about the future too much - even when you first start college you'll hear people talking about uni and actual working life. But don't let this get you down about the future. Life moves fast, but just focus on the now, even if it's hard.

11. Don't feel pressured to get a job - in college, a lot of people will have jobs, mostly part time. However, don't feel like you have to get one too. Get used to college life first, then you can think about getting a job. The people who do have jobs typically get way more stressed around mock and exam time, which you really don't want. If you want to get a job, that's fine. Just find one that you can fit around your studies.

12. Older people are scary and that's okay - in comp, the majority of people in your class were the same age or a year older than you. Now, you're suddenly going to the same college as adults, and that's terrifying, but don't think about it too much. If you're like me and only turned 16 a few weeks before starting college, it's okay to feel like you're not ready or old enough for college. You may be younger than a lot of people there, but that doesn't make you any less capable. You do belong at college and you are old enough, even matter if you've got some random 20 year old resitting his first year in your class, it's normal.

These tips won't work for everyone, it depends on how you feel about college. Just remember that it's okay to feel anxious, stressed or overwhelmed. A lot of big things can happen in college, just take it at your own pace and talk to someone if you feel really shit. College life can suck ass, but you'll get used to it and be like one of the cool kids someday (or you can be an introverted nerd like me:))

If you've read this far, thanks for reading and I hope at least one of these helps you! Feel free to add your own tips btw!

#long post #college

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lov3nerdstuff · 4 years ago

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Voluptas Noctis Aeternae {Part 4.1}

*Severus Snape x OC*

Summary: It is the year 1983 when the ordinary life of Robin Mitchell takes a drastic turn: she is accepted into Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Despite the struggles of being a muggle-born in Slytherin, she soon discovers her passion for Potions, and even manages the impossible: gaining the favor of Severus Snape. Throughout the years, Robin finds that the not quite so ordinary Potions Professor goes from being a brooding stranger to being more than she had ever deemed possible. An ally, a mentor, a friend… and eventually, the person she loves the most. Through adventure, prophecies and the little struggles of daily life in a castle full of mysteries, Robin chooses a path for herself, an unlikely friendship blossoms into something more, and two people abandoned by the world can finally find a home.

General warnings: professor x student (however no underage romance), blood, violence, trauma, neglectful families, bullying, cursing

Words: 5.3k

Read Part 1.1 here! All Parts can be found on the Masterlist!

______________________________

Surprisingly enough, the expected mock and scorn had stayed absent after the incident with the boggart in April. A few odd glances occasionally, and some abruptly ending whispered conversations whenever Robin entered the room had been the most of it. Her roommates had been even more neglectful, even more supremacist than usual, and it had gotten quieter rather than louder in the ranks of the people who despised her. For a while Robin had been deeply suspicious about it, but once the stressful period before the final exams had begun, she had forgotten about it like everyone else seemed to have. Thus the remainder of her third year had once more been filled with calm study nights in the potions classroom, borrowed books from Snape, and the occasional visit to the greenhouse or gamekeeper’s lot for some helping out on the weekends.

Summer had arrived before Robin felt even remotely ready to head home. She had been quite heartbroken to leave behind her sanctuary in the dungeons, and to put another pause to the constant stream of borrowed books and late night snippets of academic conversation with her potions professor. Somehow, leaving Hogwarts got harder every single year and she almost felt guilty that there was so very little that excited her about going home. But she did, she had to, and the days spent in her family home ticked by like grains of sand in a desert that were slowly blown away by the wind only to gather elsewhere.

Still, Robin picked up two habits over the summer: drinking instant coffee at all times of the day, and journaling.

The former had started by chance one day, when they had run out of tea at home and Robin still had felt like having a hot drink. She’d actually discovered that she enjoyed the taste, after years of not bothering to try it, and she’d scolded herself for not remembering if they served coffee at school. Thus she made sure to bring a jar of instant coffee for the next term, and to simply multiply it if there was no other way of getting coffee around there.

The latter habit, journaling, had also started by chance, but not quite entirely. Robin had for the mere sake of it chosen to participate in a two-week creative writing workshop that was offered by one of her mother’s colleagues, and afterwards chosen to keep up the habit that had started out as a mere class project. Admittedly, she had felt rather pathetic in the beginning, to write sappy poetry and badly phrased short stories for class, but eventually she had found a mode of writing that didn’t make her feel like an overly dramatic teenage girl. In the weeks following upon that, she filled up the entire class journal and then moved on to a nicer one she’d bought with her Christmas money on a day trip to London.

During the very same trip, she had also come across the small bookshop where she had bought some of her still most beloved potions books during her first year Christmas break, and unable to resist, she had gone in for a moment. However instead of returning with a giant stack of books like she had feared she would, she had only bought a single one, and that was one she already possessed indeed. The book on literature spells. She planned on giving this copy to Snape once term started, as a thank you maybe, or for any other reason she could think of before then. Honestly, she had just been thinking about him every once in a while over summer, wondering what he might be doing between school years, and when she had discovered the spell book in that shop, it had just felt like the right thing to do to get it for him. Who knew, maybe he could make use of it at some point… At least he’d seemed almost as reluctant to return the book to Robin as she always was to return his own books to him.

So that’s what she packed for this year: books, coffee and more books. Hopefully that would get her through fourth year.

… … …

The very evening she returned to Hogwarts, Robin let herself into Snape’s office to place the spell book on his desk together with a note explaining that it was a gift from her as a thank you, then she locked the door behind herself and headed to the welcoming feast. Honestly, while she did feel brave enough to give it to him in person, she had come to the realization that it would probably make him less uncomfortable if she didn’t. Thus she had come up with the idea on the train ride here to simply place it in his office before the feast, and so far that plan had also worked out.

As every year, the sorting took forever and the speeches were redundant, but still Robin found herself glad that she wasn’t the one to be upfront, waiting to be sorted into a house again. But she also felt more prone than ever to wonder if the hat really had put her into the right place… the abyss between her and the other Slytherins was growing constantly, and she had no intention to counteract it. It was a miracle that she still hadn’t been mocked for her run-in with the boggart last year…

At least there were three years of students below her now, and that meant that almost half of the student body in Slytherin wasn’t in conflict with her. Rather on the opposite, actually, seeing as the younger students didn’t seem to care about Robin at all. She liked that quite a lot, to simply be nothing more than ‘one of the older students’.

Thus she found herself seated between a group of second years and a group of third years during the feast, which left her to herself and her own business entirely. She used the time during the meal to take inventory of the teachers at the head table, or so she told herself, while she merely spent a few seconds making sure that every person was (at least looking to be) alright, and then let her eyes linger on a certain potions professor. His hair was a bit longer than it had been before summer… but otherwise he seemed to be just the same. Robin found herself smiling to herself before she knew, and a sense of calmness overcame her like it usually only did in the evenings in his classroom. A nice change to the usual discomfort she felt during dinner.

The calm lasted for the entire evening, even as Robin returned to her dorm to pack up some books and papers to do what she’d been looking forward to all summer: studying in the potions classroom. Her roommates were sitting together in a corner of their shared bedroom as always, only acknowledging Robin in the form of weird looks and giggles directed at her, but not with a single word whatsoever. That wasn’t new though, and Robin didn’t let them ruin her surprisingly good mood with their condescending pretense of superior exclusivity. Should they talk about her behind her back, if it made them happy… Robin didn’t even care.

She made her way through the overcrowded common room and into the hallways, taking in the comforting, stuffy darkness she had missed so much. Would Snape be joining her in the classroom tonight to work in companionable silence as always? Robin found herself hoping he would.

Before she could even cross into the right hallway however, the door to her right flew open and she was pulled into the room with a surprised yelp.

“What, pray tell, were you thinking?!” Snape’s drawled hiss reached Robin’s ears before she even realized that she was standing in his office, her back pressed against the inside of the door, with the potions professor an arms’ length away.

“…What?” She frowned at him in the dim light, more confused than anything. Her heart skipped a beat though. “Thinking about what?”

“Why did you give that book to me?”

“I… just thought it would be more useful, for a change, than giving you chocolate as a thank you. I thought you would appreciate it.” She replied positively, even though she felt desperately irritated by his angry demeanor.

“Maybe you shouldn’t think quite so much about things that you know nothing about and that aren’t of your concern. I am not your friend!” He snapped with a threatening glare directed solely at Robin, and her heart squeezed together for an overwhelmingly painful moment in return. Then it sunk down dead into the depth of her chest, and she felt almost numb in equal sadness and anger. There wasn’t any appropriate reply she could give to that, only many necessary ones. To hell with it, if it was her place or not, she needed to say this, and he most definitely needed to hear it.

“Maybe you should learn to accept the kindness shown to you, before people give up on showing it to you in the first place!” She replied in an equally angry manner and held his gaze despite the tears that welled up in her eyes now. Oh, to hell with it indeed.

“People have given up on more than that a long time ago.” He spat, almost bitterly, leaving Robin to feel even more shattered.

“Well, I haven’t!” Her reply came in an instant, without even having to think, and the anger was making room for sheer overwhelming sadness now. She didn’t care if her voice sounded as hurt as she felt when she spoke on. “And I won’t, so stop trying to make me.” Finally the tears rolled down her cheeks, like small angry rivers, but Robin didn’t even bother wiping them away. “Keep the bloody book or don’t, but I will keep on being nice to you no matter what you do to prevent it! I won’t hate you, not even when you so desperately want me to… I never will, so just get over it already!”

Without waiting for a reply, or any reaction even, Robin turned on her heels and left the room, heading down the hallway back towards her dorm. She didn’t feel like studying anymore. She felt like hiding under her covers and crying as silently as she could.

… … …

The incident on Sunday night heavily tainted Robin’s first three days of term, even as the sadness turned into a hollow ache that was a constant reminder of their fight. Maybe she had overstepped her boundaries, maybe she had done something wrong indeed… Maybe he was right to be angry. But then again, she refused to believe that her kindness had been wrong, and she definitely refused to let him scare her off with his stupid defensiveness. She had meant what she said, she wouldn’t give up on him, and her own determination in that surpassed everything she had known to be certain of before. To be honest, she was quite surprised by her own stubbornness in this… and by the desperation with which she clung onto it. Sure, Snape was her favorite professor, and probably also her favorite person in the castle… but she hadn’t really known before just how much she actually cared. It left her feeling a bit irritated with herself, every time she thought about it. She really shouldn’t be caring about him quite that much, as he had made it abundantly clear that he was not her friend. Only her professor. Who happened to have chosen her as the only person he was nice to. Sometimes. Oh bloody hell, he was the only friend she had, and she should finally admit that to herself. Even if she wasn’t his friend in return, he definitely was hers.

And exactly for that reason, Robin refused to let the Sunday encounter change the way she behaved, nor the way she thought. She still came to the classroom every night to study, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, but she didn’t see Professor Snape there even once. If he chose to return to how things were before he snapped at her, or even scold her for the way she’d dared to speak to him, she’d be here. But it was not her place to try to fix something she hadn’t broken, and neither did she believe that she should bother him any more than she already had. Because no matter what had happened, she still didn’t want to disappoint him, and she didn’t want to lose what she had gained over the course of the past three years.

Thus Robin only saw him at meals during the next four days, until it was time for the first potions class of the term on Friday morning. She didn’t feel particularly hungry, hadn’t ever since Sunday night, and thus she decided to come to class early. Without giving any thought to it, she unlocked the room and made her way to her usual second row seat, lost in thought about the book she had been reading for most of the night, since she’d been unable to sleep. For a while she simply stared at the wall ahead, not even existing in the physical reality, until at last the first students started to enter the room with enough noise to break Robin out of her thoughts. And that’s when she realized that her desk wasn’t empty. Had it been empty when she’d come in?

A small frown creased her forehead as she picked up the parchment-wrapped object, and carefully unwrapped the precisely folded layer of paper. The first thing that fell into her hands was a box of Skittles. She couldn’t help the short, surprised laugh that escaped her lips upon that, and she smoothed out the creased piece of paper to read the words that seemed to only appear on the page upon her touch.

Robin.

I unfortunately found myself unable to acquire any chocolate over the course of the week, but I hope that sweets of a different kind have the same value to you, as means of saying thank you. You were quite right, I do appreciate the book. But I also appreciate the gesture. Despite what I previously said, I ask you now to never stop thinking, especially about matters that aren’t of your concern. Nobody is quite as good at it as you are. - S

Robin read the note again, and another time, and yet again, and she couldn’t help but smile to herself as her heartbeat picked up in its pace. Sure, he wasn’t really apologising for his behavior, but he did something equally remarkable, if not something better. He actually tried. To accept a kind gesture, and to make amends for what he’d done. Robin wasn’t so sure if that had ever happened before or if it would ever happen again, but she would value it as the outstandingly special occasion it was. He would certainly not have done this if he truly didn’t care about what she thought of him. He wouldn’t have bothered if he thought of her like everyone else.

“Miss Mitchell, will you stop grinning like a lunatic and demonstrate how to correctly dissect a deathcap without hurting oneself like an imbecile?” Snape’s voice, in full professor-mode, suddenly drew Robin out of her little bubble, and she realized with a start that the entire class was present, silent and looking at her. Oh geez… she must’ve spent more time reading that note under her desk than she had realized.

“Certainly, sir.” She replied then, still unable to stop smiling (especially at his badly feigned scowl), and quickly hid the note in the deepest corner of her pockets. Then she subtly swiped the Skittles into her backpack for equal safekeeping, and made her way to the front to demonstrate what she’d been asked to do. The smile did not leave her face for the rest of the day.

________________

After the rather extreme ups and downs of the first week, things settled back into what had almost become routine now. Robin spent her time in Snape’s classroom, borrowing books, studying, doing assignments, and more often than not these days he would be there as well. At some point Robin had brought her instant coffee (since regular coffee was only served at breakfast here), and with a simple aguamenti and a spell for boiling water, she’d made herself a coffee the wizarding way in under a minute. Upon the curious and humored look Snape had given her in return, she had offered to make him a cup as well, and to Robin’s surprise he had answered with a simple 'Please’ instead of the usual discussion that preceded his eventual agreement. Thus, they fell into the habit of drinking coffee in the evenings, as an addition to the companionable silence they shared while each working on their respective tasks. Some nights they wouldn’t exchange a single word, only take turns at making the other coffee in a silent agreement to not talk about this developing habit. Eventually Robin simply left the coffee in his classroom instead of bringing it every day, and even after two months of keeping up with this ritual they still hadn’t run out.

Unfortunately, two months after the start of term was also when 'it’ happened again. The thing Robin still hadn’t found a name for. It was a perfectly ordinary Sunday night, Robin had had coffee with Snape over their respective work, and she had gotten all things done that she had planned to do over the weekend. More, even. She had gone to bed feeling calm and content, and had soon fallen asleep within a few minutes. Every bit the normal Sunday. But then the nightmares had started, and thereby the beginning of Robin’s personal purgatory.

She was walking through the school. Cold stone beneath her bare feet as she moved through the hallways. Soundlessness. Eyes focused on the darkness around her, emptiness around her. Now, then, another! A flash of darkness… a boy, a body. A puddle of blood, pooling around his small body like a black lake. Lifeless ink. Coldest contentment. She moved on, moved along, hid away, crept into a room, like fog… a flash of darkness. Another body, more blood, another lake. More room, A room, empty, she crept, it was cold. A flash. The room, filled with bodies. More. Hollow eyes, dead stares, dead stays. Blood. Everywhere, in emptiness. She walked on. The dungeons, blackness, hallways. Hollow eyes, a mirror… she walked, cold, empty eyes. A laugh. A door, her room… her bed, herself. Her sleeping body, her dead body, broken, soundless. Hands covered in blood, a wicked smile, bloody lips. Emptiness. A laugh, a scream. Pain.

Robin woke up with a strangled cry, shaking like dry leaves in the autumn wind as her eyes mirrored the sky’s heavy tears. Oh god… it had only been a dream. Only a dream. Her heartbeat had become so fast that she pressed a hand to her chest in an attempt to soothe the pain. She felt entirely too hot and too cold at once. A quiet sob escaped her trembling lips and she pressed her other hand to her mouth to keep quiet. Too late for that.

“Shut up, jay! People wanna sleep here…” One of her roommates grumbled from the bed to Robin’s left, and Robin nodded vainly into the darkness as she felt utterly defeated. She couldn’t, not with… those emotions, it was too much… she felt like dying. As quietly, as quickly as she could, she slipped into her boots and fled from the room, going for a direct dash to the bathrooms. It was closer than anywhere, the only place she could think to go. Her mind was entirely flooded with fear and pain and foremost a defeating deafening numbness, and she couldn’t suppress the tears even if she tried to. Bloody hell, she was going mad, it was too much, too strong, too deep… she was drowning and sucked under by the current of her own blind panic.

The moment she reached the secluded solitude of the girls’ lavatories was when she finally broke down entirely and surrendered to the violent sobs for as long as they came crashing over her like brutal waves. She’d lost every sense of time, of space, of herself… it could be hours, it could be minutes. Her heartbeat increased even further to a point where her vision became blurry even beyond the tears, and Robin actually felt afraid that she would die. Now, here, alone. It didn’t have to make sense, it just was. And it was horrible.

But the sobs died instead of her, and her heartbeat ceased to stab her chest. However the calm that followed came at the price of an absolute and allconsuming numbness, an emptiness of a kind she had never known. She wasn’t crying anymore, she wasn’t even feeling anymore. She just sat on the cold ground of the bathroom and wasn’t. Ceased to exist for a while. No thought, no emotion, no Robin. Nothing.

Yet, at some point, a spark of ice cold reason within her mind made her return to her room and lay back down in bed. She still felt nothing, and stared at the ceiling in the darkness for as long as it took her mind to pass out at last.

That was the first night.

… … …

On Monday Robin was an absolute wreck on the inside, a victim more of the calm’s cost than the storm. She didn’t look any different to anyone but herself in the mirrors, and those she avoided to refrain from looking into her own eyes. She had done plenty of that last night.

And yet, the sleepless night came at even more of a cost when Robin made a public fool of herself in herbology. Her mind was still so wound up in processing the events, the pictures of the previous night’s horrors, that she didn’t notice Professor Sprout walking up behind her while talking loudly about the task they were to accomplish. As the woman clapped a hand on Robin’s shoulder, a random gesture she did with plenty of students who seemed to not be listening, Robin jumped so badly that her entire being fell into a kind of odd stasis. She shrieked, then froze completely as if petrified and merely stared ahead with terror in her eyes that soon was replaced by the tears of the initial surprise. Admittedly, Robin had always been a bit jumpy, especially when caught dwelling in the corners of her own mind, but this was a new level of sheer and utter overreaction that yet she could do nothing about but to bear it out.

The other students started snorting and whispering, and Professor Sprout asked Robin if she was alright, but Robin’s heart was only so slowly calming down to a normal pace again that she merely could nod after a few seconds of forcing herself to realign with reality.

After classes were done for the day, Robin fled from the castle as soon as she could. Her feet carried her down to the lake, to the shore she always found comfort in… and after half an hour of kicking herself in the butt for being so overwhelmed by a simple nightmare, she finally felt ready to go back to normality. It had only been a stupid dream, some subconscious fear that had manifested itself in terrible and bloody pictures. But they were only that; pictures her mind had come up with. With at least some motivation returning, she made her way over to Hagrid’s in order to offer her assistance in this evening’s feeding of the creatures the gamekeeper was responsible for. After all, she always found delight in Hagrid’s silliness, and the animals’ good appetite.

… … …

A purgatory wouldn’t be what it promised if it wasn’t a place for the tortured soul to dwell in once more. And thus it shouldn’t have come as a surprise to Robin that she woke up screaming the very next, and also two nights later, heart and mind grabbed in panic by the very same dream. The same pictures, the same darkness, the same bloody deaths. While she was yelled at by her roommates on both nights again, this time Robin resisted the urge to run and simply gripped onto her bedding instead, so tightly that her knuckles turned white, in an attempt to get rid of the excess energy. Eventually her heartbeat slowed down, the panic faded, and the numbness returned to her mind to let her fall into a restless sleep.

The following evening, a rainy Wednesday, Robin went to study in the potions classroom as always, but she decided against the coffee. Maybe all that caffeine was finally taking its toll on her… Maybe it was what caused the nightmares, the restlessness, the overwhelming tiredness she felt by now. Ever since Sunday she hadn’t had all that much sleep, and if there was such a thing as a battery in humans, Robin’s was close to running out. Still, she made a coffee for Snape once she got to the room, as it usually was her turn first and she somehow didn’t want to skip out on the ritual altogether. It had a calming effect on her, and she enjoyed being able to do something nice for him.

For a while they sat in comfortable silence as usual, until Robin dared to look at the clock and an existential dread overcame her with a start. She didn’t want to return to her room so soon… didn’t want to go to bed. In all honesty and truthfulness, she felt absolutely terrified of falling asleep. Or rather, of dreaming.

Maybe she should talk about it. She wanted to talk about it, and the wish to put into words what she was experiencing grew stronger by the second. The only person she wanted to tell was sitting only a few steps away, and yet Robin felt as if there was an ineffable distance between them that couldn’t be overcome. A distance that only existed in her mind.

“Professor?” The words left her lips before her head caught on. Damnit, Robin! “Can… I mean… do you have a moment to spare?”

“I never do, but go ahead.” He replied without looking up from his work, and Robin felt like someone had poured lead down her throat into her chest. Maybe she shouldn’t bother him with this… he surely had enough on his mind already, and on his desk. Her heart squeezed even more at the prospect of bothering him.

“Uh, I…” She started, but her entire being was heavily protesting in return. If she told Snape now that something as pathetic as nightmares was breaking her so much, he would never see her as anything more than just a stupid little kid. Robin didn’t know when that had become so utterly important to her, but it undoubtedly was now. And it was stronger than her fear of the dreams. “I… finished your book already. I mean I, uh, planned to return it on Friday after class, but… I’m short on other reads, so I thought that maybe… I could borrow a new book today?”

That was a more than decent save, or so Robin thought, seeing as her mind was currently rather preoccupied with different matters.

“Feel free to go into my office and pick one that interests you.” He answered a few seconds later, motioning to the only half closed door on the far wall behind him. Still, he didn’t look up from his work.

Robin sighed to herself and made her way to Snape’s office with the book she had almost finished anyway, placing it on his desk before letting her eyes wander over the shelves. He’d never let her pick before, especially not out of his entire collection of books… He must truly be beyond busy if he let her do this now. Maybe it had been a wise choice to spare him from her pathetic problems for once. She couldn’t come to him crying, every time something went wrong in her life! No matter how much she felt inclined to. She couldn’t be around him and bother him with her nonsense all the time! No matter how much she wanted to.

For a moment Robin simply stood in the quiet calm of the office and stared at the wall of books in front of her. She was a fool, an idiot even. But she wasn’t stupid. She knew why she was feeling what she felt, why she cared as much as she did. She just didn’t want it to be true. It scared her, in the overwhelming kind of way that one experienced only when moving on from the sheltered walls of home to the endless horizons of the world beyond. It wasn’t the first time she had fallen for someone… but it was the first time that mattered. Still, it was wrong and stupid and pathetic and obviously hopeless. Nobody could ever learn of it, and Robin would make sure that nobody ever would.

She rolled her eyes at herself then, and at her own dramatics. This probably was just another result of her sleep deprivation, another joke her mind was playing on her… A silly crush on her professor, an infatuation born out of too much studying and too little sleep. She’d bet her good grades that it would all be history by Christmas! Actually, she wouldn't… she knew herself too well for that. But she also knew that she had gotten fairly decent at ignoring things until they disappeared by themselves, and thus that’s what she would do. Maybe, if she was lucky, they could stay at the almost friendly level they were at now. That would already be a great deal more than what she could have hoped for. And whatever stupid things she was feeling for her professor would disappear before long, and be forgotten for good when she just ignored them. She had to. Bloody hell, these nightmares were really breaking her spirits if she allowed herself such sappy thoughts. She was being ridiculous.

With a sigh, she picked out a book on ratio theorems and stepped back out into the classroom. “Sorry it took me so long… I just couldn’t decide, with all those great options.” She said as neutrally as she could while sitting back down and placing the book on her desk a little too defeatedly.

“If you continue at this rate, you will have read all my books before the end of term.” He commented, sounding almost amused, but Robin couldn’t bring herself to smile. There was too much on her mind, too much dread for the night that would follow all too soon.

“Well, you better get some more then, huh?” She tried to joke, but it came out flat and awkward, and Robin looked down at her hands. Maybe she should just go to bed and hit her head against the bedpost until she passed out. Without wasting another thought contemplating it, she packed up her belongings and rose to her feet. “Sorry, I… I’m not feeling so good tonight. No more use studying. I’ll just… go.”

At that Snape’s eyes finally rose to meet Robin’s, but he didn’t say anything for a moment. She wondered what he might be thinking, just looking at her with a frown, but she didn’t ask and at last he did the speaking for her. “Some decent rest might do you good.”

Robin let out a bitter snort in return. “Yeah, huh… why didn’t I think of that."

Snape looked fairly irritated at her sarcastic tone, but she couldn’t help it. It was time to go, before her tired mind could do any more damage. "I’m sorry. Really. Goodnight, professor.” Two seconds later, Robin slipped out into the darkness of the empty hallway. And so falls the night.

______________________________

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because-of-a-friend · 4 years ago

Text

Falling Flowers |7|

MASTERLIST

Word Count: 1.6k

Warnings: None for this chapter

Summary: Glimpses of each other’s lives, a goal to reach, someone to save, someone to find, and too many questions to accomplish any of it

So a the request of @meloncandykatie and other anons, I am finishing this series the whole way through! I think it’s getting a little more lighthearted since the boys are finding each other, so hopefully for y’all’s sake there won’t be too much angst left lol. Either way, enjoy this chapter!

Seungcheol, Jeonghan, Joshua, Mingyu, Seungkwan, and Vernon all pull together on the rope. The tiny tree they’re pulling back looks like it might snap under their strength. There’s a large rock balanced on the top of it.

“Isn’t this dangerous? I mean couldn’t we seriously injure him or something?” Jeonghan asks, his voice straining from the effort of pulling on the rope.

“It’s just a dream, it’s not like we could actually hurt him,” Seungcheol responds, his hands slipping a little. “Besides, we have to reach him somehow.” He takes a moment to double check the aim of their little tree catapult. “Ok everyone, on three, alright?”

Everyone calls back their understanding.

“Ok then, one!”

“In hopes this doesn’t harm him,” Mingyu’s sarcasm does nothing to ease the tension.

“Two!”

“I wish we had stayed in the field,” Seungkwan whines.

“Three!” they all let go at Seungcheol’s last call.

The rock flies. Its trajectory sending it straight towards Seokmin.

“Oh my god, it’s actually going to work!” Joshua exclaims in disbelief.

They let out a breath of relief too soon. Right when the rock reaches “Seokmin’s Circle” as Seungcheol has named the impenetrable area around Seokmin, it explodes, little pieces of rock glittering as they fall to the ground.

“Oh you’ve got to be kidding me,” Seungcheol sighs, another one of his many attempts to grab Seokmin’s attention failed. “Well back to the drawing board,” he says, ignoring the groans of the others.

*****

Somewhere else, Soonyoung and Minghao are still in the studio, also suffering fruitless attempts. Their attempts to escape the studio have lead them nowhere. Soonyoung gets frustrated easily. Minghao tries to calm him down, but honestly, he’s annoyed by now too. It’s truly a puzzle. The studio has no doors or windows. There are two walls of mirrors but no other defining features to the room.

Soonyoung and Minghao’s nightly routine becomes appearing in the studio, walking around aimlessly, then giving up and staring at the ceiling for the rest of the night.

“Soonyoung?” Minghao asks tiredly one night as he counts the yellow spots on the ceiling.

“Yeah, Hao?” Soonyoung responds.

“Do you ever struggle with seeing the bright side of things?”

The words hang in the air. Minghao’s not even sure why he asked. It was just an idea that had been floating around in his head recently. He always concentrates on the bad. How he and Soonyoung can’t get out of there. How they may never find the others. How if they can’t find the others, everything is lost.

“I guess so,” Soonyoung finally answers, his voice carrying the weight of the thoughts clouding his mind.

“Soonyoung?” Minghao asks one last time.

“Yeah, Hao?” Soonyoung feels like he’s slipping away, he must be waking up.

“We have each other,” are the last words Minghao gets out before they slip from the dream world and wake up.

Soonyoung decides that he’ll try to think of things in a better light after what Minghao said to him. Minghao decides to try as well.

In their waking moments, they both mull over what Minghao said. “Do you ever struggle with seeing the bright side of things?”

…

“We have each other.”

Soonyoung holds the words close to his heart, Minghao is right. They have each other.

Minghao tries to find strength in himself, he and Soonyoung can find a way out. If they have each other, they can do anything.

When he appears in the studio again, he immediately notices the change.

Instead of a wall of mirrors, there’s a giant window overlooking the night sky.

Soonyoung is already there. He’s staring out at the stars.

“I guess you were right, Hao,” he says as he sighs happily. “We just needed to look on the brighter side of things.”

Minghao sits with him for a while. They just look up at the stars through the window.

Then there comes a time when they both silently stand, and head towards the window together. They quickly find a latch and push the glass forward.

Minghao looks back at the studio one last time as they step into the outside world.

The chains that once bound them are suddenly there, once again intact.

But they’re laying lifeless on the floor. They look almost… pathetic, useless.

Minghao steps away, leaving as he looks one last time at the room they were trapped in for so long, Soonyoung pulling him forward by the hand.

They are linked once again.

But this time it’s a bond created by choice not force.

*****

Seokmin has always had trouble being fully present.

When he should be looking at the full picture he only concentrates on details, and when he needs to look at details, he can only look at the full picture.

His mind isn’t always helpful to him. It tends to wander, never letting him fully grasp what he needs.

Seokmin’s mind is fully possessed with the idea of saving the planets. He doesn’t realize they’re just a representation of the people who actually need his help. He has to leave the planets behind in order to get to them. But he’s convinced it has to do with the planets themselves. If he can save them, he can save everyone else.

His mind is only looking at the bigger picture. He isn’t noticing the little details.

Like all of the other boys’ attempts to reach him.

In the corner of his eye.

“He hasn’t responded to anything any of you have done?” Soonyoung asks, barely breathing as Seungkwan hugs him tightly, overly excited to see him and Minghao again.

“No,” Seungcheol shakes his head, “it’s like we’re invisible. I don’t have the slightest idea of how to reach him.”

They all turn together to look at Seokmin. He’s still staring endlessly up at the eleven planets up in the sky. His hands are clenched and his jaw is locked, stress is seeping out of him.

“The planets that are all grouped together must be us, right?” Mingyu suddenly asks out of the blue.

“Is that… important… right now?” Joshua asks trying to sound as kind as possible.

“Maybe he has a point,” Soonyoung intervenes. “Do you think they follow our lead?”

“Who knows,” Seungcheol shrugs. “But at this point, I’m ready to try anything.”

“Should we… try to spell something?” Seungkwan asks.

“There’s definitely not enough of us for that,” Jeonghan says with the same strained voice Joshua had.

“We could just try making a line first,” Seungcheol states. Without waiting for an answer, he begins to line the other boys up, grabbing them one by one and dragging them into position.

“It doesn’t look like it’s working,” Mingyu says, glaring at the planets.

“We literally just lined up, wait just a second,” Seungcheol says. “And stop glaring at them like you have mind powers that will move them.”

The boys wait a minute, then two, then five, then ten. Nothing changes. The planets stay as they are until the time comes for them to come crashing together and the dream to end.

The next night, Seungcheol already has new plans to try. He barely begins to talk to the other before he is interrupted.

“Hyung wait,” Mingyu says as Seungcheol is speaking.

“What is it, Gyu?” Seungcheol asks.

“Look,” he simply states as he stares upwards. The other boys immediately follow his gaze.

Some of the planets… their planets are in a line.

They all simultaneously turn their heads to look at Seokmin.

He’s noticed too.

Instead of looking wildly around at all of the planets as usual, he’s staring at the ones in a line, a confused look on his face.

They’ve broken his pattern. He’s been set off his track.

Maybe it’s enough.

Maybe now he can notice.

The movement.

In the corner of his eye.

Seokmin begins to wonder, as he stares at the eight planets that have suddenly aligned, if this is all a hoax meant to distract him. Or if maybe, he hasn’t been looking at what he’s supposed to be looking at. He finally cranes his head downward instead of looking up constantly. He feels his neck strain from the movement after being so stiff for so long.

He also has half a moment where he thinks “Hey this is a dream; I shouldn’t be having neck pain!” But he puts this thought aside for a different time, believing there are probably more pressing matters hand.

Seokmin finally tears his attention away from the sky, looking towards the environment in front of him. The desert isn’t necessarily pretty. The plant life is scarce, it’s mostly brown, and the smell of dirt is overwhelming.

Seokmin begins to think he made a mistake by look away from the planets, maybe there really is nothing here but them.

But then something flutters in front of his face.

At first, he thinks it’s a butterfly, he pulls his face back to try and get a better look at it. It’s not a butterfly, it’s a flower petal. It flies off to the left of his face. He turns slowly to follow it.

It’s like his feet are made of cement. It feels as though it’s taking him years just to turn. Not only that, but the world seems to warp around him, as if he’s being transported to a different one right in that moment.

He begins to hear them, strange, distant, muffled calls of his name reaching his ears.

His eyes focus only on the flower petal as he turns.

When he’s done a full 180, his eyes finally leave it. He looks past the flower petal to see what he’s facing now. It’s eight of the boys. They’re all staring at him as if surprised.

“Well geez, if I had known just standing in a line was going to do it, I would have never suggested that shouting contest we had,” Seokmin hears Seungcheol say before he wakes up.

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the-sunshine-dims · 4 years ago

Text

life sucks when there's no cuddles (chapter 2)

okay so i have made a dumb decision to make a third part as well and then the series shall be completed (hopefully)

words: 2535

chapter 1 | chapter 3

ao3 link

contents and warnings: touch starved Janus, Patton wants to receive and give all the affection, platonic moceit, being overly on guard, miscommunications, hurt/comfort, crying, yearning mention, virgil/roman/remus/logan mention,

___

Patton rubbed his eyes tiredly as he woke up, his head was lazily resting on his arms which ended up resting on his desk due to an impromptu nap. he was happy and proud he had been very productive for Thomas, But he was still pretty tired because pro tip falling asleep on you desk sucks, especially after working (in his opinion) quite a lot so his limbs already were tired from writing stuff down, and he intended to ask someone if he could have a cuddle pile and potentially watch a movie with them because he wanted to rest somewhere and with someone comfortably, he didn't want to just fall asleep on his bed, he was happier being around people he liked, and also, his room felt all stiff and boring right now, and while it was probably since he had been working seriously, he still didn't like it and didn't want to remain in it.

He paused his thoughts before trying to decide who he was gonna ask for affection, wanting to decide before standing up. maybe Virgil? Virgil was nice and especially after the stressing week he needed to rest- but he was touch adverse a lot of the time after stress inducing things.

Logan? He was nice and just kinda let Patton lounge on him and he was comfy and allowed Patton to play with his hair sometimes as long as it was quiet enough for him to read as Patton did so, but.. same with Virgil he was rather touch adverse a lot of the time after stressful stuff.

Roman was left, he loved roman, he was nice and Patton got to hear him talk about his projects and Disney stuff and just stuff he was excited about and it was so nice and he got to lay in Roman’s lap.. but of course Roman most of the time goes on quests after a stressful time or if he just had to stay in the same place too long and he wants to stretch, so definitely not free since he wouldn’t even be in his room and he’s out in the imagination.

And he doesn’t really want to ask Remus because In the nicest way possible he’s not the most comfortable with him, at least not yet, and he doesn’t want to bother Janus- but oh wait Janus might be free! And he hasn't seen him in a while, so maybe Janus would be willing to hang out with him?

He cheers up instantaneously from the disappointment of not being able to ask the others before realizing that Janus always seemed really stiff in hugs and he seemed he might've been a little uncomfortable when sleepy Patton made grabby hands for him to cuddle, so maybe he doesn’t like physical affection- but! He could still.. possibly ask him if he wanted to watch a movie and hang out with him, and that way he won’t feel uncomfortable in a hug or anything and Patton still gets company from the people he enjoys, and later once Logan and the others are all rested up maybe he can plan a proper movie night for everyone! And he could hang out with Janus again and his other friends and he could get all the love, at least if they're comfortable with that.

He happily stands up before sinking out to the outside of Janus’s room, after a moment he knocked happily and after another moment or two, a kind of tired, apprehensive looking Janus opened the door.

Patton smiled, if tiredly, but he made sure to muster up all his energy before speaking, “heyo kiddo! would you want to watch a movie with me? You can choose which movie we watch!” He told him. fighting back a yawn, he had a vague suspicion that he wouldn’t make it through the whole movie before falling asleep.

Janus seemed to be thinking about it before he went “what about the others?” in his honeyed but for some reason tiniest bit nervous voice,

Patton shrugged “I don’t think they’d be able to, but it doesn't really matter, I like hanging out with you and it gives me an opportunity to, so I’m happy!” Patton grinned again.

Janus nodded “..okay, if you want me to, I’ll come.” He told him, and normally Janus didn’t seem this nervous, did something happen while they were all holed away? He hoped Janus wasn’t sad!

Patton smiled though at Janus's response and resisted grabbing Janus's hand, after all Janus appeared to possibly be uncomfortable with the little gestures and he didn’t want to overwhelm or upset him, so he just offered him a smile before going “okay! I’ll go get the TV set up and grab some snacks, come to the living room when you're ready!” and waving and then promptly sinking out, which he’s gotta say is exhausting and he should not be doing it in his already exhausted state, but it was whatever and if he was actually going to stop for a time was anybody’s guess.

He quickly grabbed some snacks for them from the kitchen once he rose up into the living room and grabbed a couple blankets and just got set up in general, though he didn’t make any move to find a movie yet, he waited for Janus to say what movie he wanted to watch since Patton did say he could choose because honestly Patton might end up falling asleep and Janus shouldn’t have to watch a movie he doesn’t like while Patton's asleep.

After a couple minutes of waiting after getting everything ready, Janus emerged, shifting uncomfortably as he stood around, kind of like Virgil did before Thomas and the others accepted him, that comparison kind of actually scared Patton. after another moment Patton motioned to the couch in silent invitation, which Janus took up and sat down on the other end of the couch, honestly Janus seemed to of devolved from his usual façade, even as he sat down he was holding himself nervously and was- well he was reminding Patton so much of old Virgil it was concerning, he didn’t want to intrude on asking if something happened though, they weren't really close as friends yet, but he did want to let Janus know he was there for him somehow.. he took a small unnoticeable breath before turning to Janus and asking “which movie would you Like?”

Janus thought about it for a moment “what about the greatest showman? It has good songs, though the showman is an awful person,” He said, the first bit hesitantly, and while he himself knew the reason why he was being like this (though he thought it wasn’t as noticeable) was because he was making sure to be on guard as to not blurt out anything or accidentally say something that would either beckon questions from Patton or make him concerned, though he was failing at not making Patton concerned,

Because, Patton though, Patton didn’t know, he didn’t know one bit, and he was worried for Janus, he had never seen Janus act like this and he just seemed constantly nervous and he didn’t really know what to do, after all, Janus may not even want to talk to Patton about it.

Patton gave Janus a small smile as he turned the movie on, getting comfy and offering Janus a blanket and he didn’t know why but as Janus accepted it from Patton’s hand he seemed to give a small longing look, and Patton didn’t know if he had misread the look or something else because what could he be yearning for?

He didn’t know, and he doubted thinking about it would come any good so he just discontinued thinking about it, but one of the things he instead thought of was that Janus was so comfy and Patton wanted cuddles- but then he had to internally scold himself once again because he didn’t want Janus to be uncomfortable with Patton because he didn’t like cuddles or hugs, Janus deserved to have his boundaries respected after all.

After a moment he just began cozying up into the couch, and, deciding that Janus’s presence really was comforting, even just having him there, as the seconds went by he started getting sleepy and his eyelids grew heavier, though he kept his eyes on the screen, and honestly yeah he had to admit just being in the same room with Janus made him happy and content.

And honestly no one could blame him for when he just.. rested his eyes for a minute, and then promptly fell asleep.

Janus noticed and after carefully checking to make sure Patton's back wouldn’t hurt when he woke up and he wasn’t cold, Janus just quickly began paying full attention to the movie that was playing again, semi-contently sitting back into the couch, happy to listen to the beautiful songs and choreography.

—-

It was maybe a half hour or so Later when Patton woke up, though he didn't know, it could’ve been a full hour, but Patton knew some time had indeed passed as he woke up placed to lean back on the couch and not slouch forward on the couch arm,

He also knew some time had passed because Janus was crying.

And from the look of it he was unaware of it, just zoned out and seemingly captivated by the screen with tears running down his cheeks, and after a paralyzed moment of just.. staring at Janus, he lurched forward, “what happened? Is something wrong? Do you need anything?” He asked in abrupt, sleepy concern, though he felt himself waking up more at just the sight of poor Janus crying.

Janus just pointed shakily to the screen (in which one of the scenes where charity and Barnum were hugging and just being happy before Barnum was a trash human being) and just shakily mumbled out “I want that” And while even Janus himself doesn’t seem to really realize he’s crying or even saying these things, maybe he hasn’t slept in a while either- but regardless, even if Janus can’t seem to notice, Patton can, and Patton does, Patton notices how Janus’s voice is filled with sorrow and just nothing short of pain and how it becomes cracked from tears.

And Patton's vision flickers to the tv, which he notices is paused, but he doesn’t seem to really get it just yet, just asking again, softer, “what do you need, hun?” He said, trying to coax out Janus because it seemed if it was enough to make him cry then it wasn’t something he wanted but rather something he indeed very much needed and he wanted to see if he could help out the scaled side.

Janus just seemed to sob a tiny bit louder, which in turn shocked himself for a second because he didn’t realize he was being as loud as he was (though the others fortunately couldn’t hear) and after another second he seemed to finally process he had both been crying and that Patton caught him crying and wanted to help.

Which part surprised him more was anybody’s guess, but after a moment though he just started sobbing more, now incredibly embarrassed but also just not knowing how to stop in the moment and he tried to speak and communicate with Patton nonetheless despite his nose and eyes being red and despite him being miserable from the sobs racking his body “I- i want- I’m sorry I just I want- I haven’t had a hug in so long-“ he stammered out after a lot more effort than he would’ve liked to admit.

and despite Patton's growing confusion he didn’t waste a second in lunging forward and wrapping up Janus in his arms, feeling as Janus went stiff but ultimately ended up melting into a puddle against Patton, hiding his face in Patton’s shirt as he tried to stop crying, he didn’t know why but he couldn’t get himself to stop crying, he didn’t know if something in him had just broke and never wanted to be put away again or what, because while Patton's soft murmurs of “it'll be alright i know it might not feel like it but i promise it will,” did help it definitely didn’t stop it completely like Janus would’ve wanted.

After maybe five minute Patton pulls away slightly- and after seeing how instantly more distraught Janus is once he does he makes sure to still have a grasp on Janus for Janus’s comfort before he sat down against the couch more comfortably, because unfortunately while Patton would want to sit with Janus and give him all the affection the way they were hugging hurt his knees and they were slowly going numb so he settled into the cushions contently, so after getting his legs from under him and making sure they wouldn’t cramp he gently pulled Janus back into his arms and just let Janus melt all over again as Patton held him securely.

And then, Janus continued to just sob into Patton's shirt, and Patton still doesn’t know why necessarily, having only gotten pretty vague small hints and explanations by a tearful too-upset-to-really-communicate-effectively Janus, but regardless he holds him and after a moment of realizing Janus needs to get this out he just makes sure Janus feels safe as he cries and once the tears finally seem to end Patton quickly summons a bottle of water and opens it for Janus so if Janus’s limbs did feel strained from the exhaustion of those emotions all he had to do was hold it, which he did, and he quickly took a big couple gulps before just laying back in Patton's arms again, obviously utterly exhausted, and Patton decided that they both needed a nap so he took the water and set it down before setting up pillows and grabbing blankets and just, getting ready to rest while also making sure Janus was comfortable,

It took a couple minutes but Patton was able to get comfortable on the couch with Janus curled into his chest, and the two were able to rest, and luckily Janus didn’t seem to be too opposed to the idea of a cuddly nap.

and when they both woke up if Janus was up for it they would talk, and Patton would make sure Janus was okay, or at least better then before, and hopefully get Janus to go to either Patton or someone else for comfort or just cuddles, so he had moral support and care because Patton was really concerned for his newer friend.

And with that semi-planned plan in mind he closed his eyes and allowed himself to fall asleep once again, happily giving Janus cuddles as he indeed fell asleep and within minutes Janus followed in suit, practically using Patton as a pillow as he fell asleep on Patton's Chest, content and warm, honestly Janus didn’t really expect this to be the result when Patton asked him to watch a movie with him but he was fine with it regardless, he may not have loved the crying bit but it turned out more alright then he really expected it would’ve and he was content.

#ts patton #ts janus #ts roman #ts virgil #ts remus #ts logan #patton sanders #janus sanders #thomas sanders #moceit #platonic moceit #sanders sides #touch starvation #touch starved janus #hurt/comfort #miscommunication

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tarotonthebrain · 3 years ago

Text

PICK A PILE 🕯🌙👼🏻🪴

Pile 1: MoonStone

Pile 2: Blue Calcite

Pile 3: Pyrite

each pile is explained below

🧿 check your sun,moon, & rising.

take what resonates, leave what does not 👁

message me you’re interested in a 3 card pull free reading 🌈🌙🪞

.•:•:•:•:•:•:•:•☾☼☽•:•.•:•.•:•:•.

PILE 1 : MOONSTONE 🍄🤍

🖼 don’t worry about not having a solid plan for how to proceed sometimes things play out better when they are developed spontaneously and organically. improvise with what you have on hand already and be open to receiving from the universe.

🤲🏼 the responsibilities for every choice you make is in your hands. if there’s a difficult issue you need to examine or some thing you’ve been neglecting it’s time to make things right. someone may be feeling that they’re being lied to / something is unfair. dark will always come to the light , so be mindful.

💤 a good nights sleep will lay the foundation for a productive day ahead of you. It is time to heal and recharge/be quiet and less active - consider meditation. If you have been overwhelmed recently know that there are solutions available to you. Let your mind, body and soul be replenished through sleep.

⚔️ six of swords shows a boat in rocky waves, but headed toward calm waters. this represents a transition from instability to stability. be open to guidance/ information that will help you reach where you were trying to go. allow yourself to return to a state of harmony and balance.

🦅 when the crow visits, it comes to help you move from one life chapter to another. ask yourself, What you have learned and Why you feel ready to begin something new. understand the purpose of your new journey and identify what you really want.

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PILE 2 : BLUE CALCITE 🌀🧞‍♂️

👥 healthy curiosity is a good thing. a desire to expand your mind will keep you engaged with the world. consider how much you really need to know about others private life’s. consider how much of your private self you’re giving out to overly curious people. protect your privacy.

🔮 maturity and commitment is needed to focus on your passions. you may be in an experimental stage. trying everything until you find what clicks. good news may be on the way for some of you. ace of wands represents good news & new beginnings. excitement and spontaneity are present. the wheel fortune signifies change and good luck. focus on your intentions and make them clear. accept what is our of your control. remember negative feelings are temporary & will pass.

🪄 king of wands reminds you to start or continue to take control of your life. use your energy & experiences to accomplish future goals. don’t pay attention to other’s opinions of you. be willing to take chances, try different approaches to get better results. seven of cups represents having many options / multiple possibilities open to you. if you’re feeling overwhelmed, try to take on a manageable amount. be realistic of what you can commit to.

🧠 sit quietly and listen to your dreams. allow ideas to build up inside you. the timing is perfect and there’s no need to rush. pay attention to your dreams & write them down to get a better understanding. allow yourself to answer questions you may have about your feelings/inner conscious.

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PILE 3 : PYRITE ✨🎰

⛰advice is on the way to you that can significantly change your perspective of a situation. if your skeptical ,remember to keep an open mind. there’s no urgency of danger, but there are things you need to think about & things to change. consider this a wake up call. if you aren’t understanding something, ask for clarification.

🌠 smart and self disciplined work can get you to where you want to be. start / continue to manage your time and money wisely. abundance and success will come with hard work and self control. your long term future may be on your mind a lot recently. page of pentacles reminds you to focus and commit to what you’ve been daydreaming about. make a solid start and lay your foundation for future success.

⚖️ coping with everyday stresses isn’t easy but somehow you still manage. find your balance and maintain it. you can be flexible enough to get through & overcome any stresses. deal with decisions that need to be made to make some stresses disappear. four of pentacles asks you to prepare and allow yourself to let go of those who are no good for you. any past toxic situations / people / possessions no longer serve you. it’s time to shed your old issues and stop fears from letting you move forward.

🔆 believe in the power of your dreams. trust the call of your heart. you are stronger than you know and you will learn to guide yourself along the way. you will meet friends and helpers in places you never thought you would. take time to get to know genuine people.

#astrology #crystals #free tarot readings #oracle #oracle reading #oraclecards #tarot #tarot cards #tarotcommunity #tarotreading #tarotonline #pyrite #minor arcana #major arcana #spiritualawakening #spirituality #free tarot

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quicksilversquared · 5 years ago

Text

Just Friends

Adrien and Marinette are just friends. Friends and classmates, and sometimes it seems like that's all they'll ever be. But when Adrien mentions his love for the friends-to-lovers trope, Marinette decides to try a new approach.

No more attempts to ask Adrien out. Instead, she'll focus on being the best friend she can be and hope that that's enough to catch Adrien's attention.

links in the reblog

Marinette had grown up with stories of different relationships and their oh-so-romantic starts. Her parents met in university, during one of their baking courses. Her father had asked her mom out after a couple classes because he had already been interested in her- it was pretty much love at first sight- and, well, it went from there. They had been classmates, then dating, then engaged and married and boom, she came along.

It was adorable and romantic and a fantastic example of what Marinette wanted to happen to her, too.

Her Cheng grandparents had a very similar story. They had met at a mutual friend's party, her grandpa asked the friend if her grandma was seeing anyone, and when the answer was no, he tagged along with the friend the next time that they were seeing her grandma and asked her out. She said yes, and they were still together.

The Dupain grandparents, well- like the others, they had met and almost immediately started dating. Even though they weren't still together, it had sounded cute at the time.

In short, all of Marinette's relationship examples hadn't included a purely friendship stage. Sure, they had been friends while dating (and Marinette's parents had referred to each other their best friend more than once), but that came after the dating started. She had heard about friends-to-lovers before, but she had never been particularly convinced by that trope. It just didn't seem realistic. Once people were friends- well, she had always heard older kids referring to their good friends as 'like a brother or sister', and, well, once somebody saw a friend as a sibling, then there wouldn't be any chance for romance there, right? And if people were really good friends, they wouldn't want to risk messing things up by confessing feelings.

And yet the movies made it look so easy, the protagonists moving past considering touches fully brother-sister platonic to romantic and flirty. They didn't seem overly concerned about confessions getting in the way and getting awkward. It just...it didn't ring true.

What if one person fell for the other and the other person didn't return their feelings? Things could get awkward then. What if they both had feelings but were too worried about risking the friendship to ever say anything and then they eventually ended up with other people and heartbroken? What if the other person didn't return the feelings and agreed to try dating anyway and it didn't end up working and everything was weird after that? What if-

Well, life wasn't a romantic comedy and everything working out perfectly didn't sound very realistic. So obviously the only real-life friends-to-lovers relationships that worked were just the rare exceptions.

More examples popped up as her classmates started dating. Ivan and Mylène had known each other before Ivan asked out Mylène, of course, but they hadn't been close friends or anything. They were just...friendly acquaintances. Classmates.

And then Marinette fell for Adrien. And obviously the path to getting a good relationship was asking him out first, then getting to know each other as they dated and became friends. So she tried to ask him out, she really did. But her tongue just kept on tying itself in knots, and she kept on embarrassing herself in front of him.

In short, it was far from the relationship starts that Marinette had heard about all of her life. Her parents had talked about nerves, sure, but not overwhelming, tongue-tying, trip-and-fall-on-your-face nerves. More just small butterflies before dates.

Marinette's nerves weren't small butterflies. No, they were giant, screeching eagles.

The months crept by and then turned into a full year, and Marinette was no closer to asking Adrien out than she had at the start. She could talk to him when she didn't have dates on the brain, sure, but when she was trying to ask him out? Forget about it.

And that meant that something had to change.

"Okay, are we actually going to get anything done today, or are you two just going to flirt the entire time?"

Nino and Alya broke apart with identical sheepish grins as Adrien gave them an unimpressed look. From her side of the table, Marinette watched Adrien's exasperated grumbles with amusement, trying and failing to not blush when Adrien proclaimed her his favorite out of everyone else at the table, because she was actually working on their assignment.

Even after a year of being sort-of friends with him (and a year of failed attempts to ask Adrien out), Marinette couldn't help but get flustered whenever Adrien paid her special attention. Alya always squealed over it with her after the fact, which- well, that probably wasn't helping Marinette's case of permanent blush, but it was still fun to get excited about it.

Well. Sometimes. Other times, it was just anxiety-inducing stress.

"Okay, so what was our topic again?" Nino asked, settling back into his seat and picking up his pencil again. "Have we decided yet?"

"You would know that if you were actually paying attention," Adrien grumbled, crossing his arms and sitting back in his seat. "We were trying to pick a movie trope to do our report on, and we got about as far as having Marinette pull up a list of tropes to pick from before you two got distracted."

Nino laughed. "Do we even need a list? I already know what trope Adrien is going to vote for. He's a sucker for friends-to-lovers."

Adrien frowned at Nino, crossing his arms. "I am- I am not. I mean, I like it, yeah, but I'm not a sucker for-"

"He's pretending that I didn't see him browsing a Tumblr list of friends-to-lovers movies a week ago," Nino told the group. "And then checking out the summary for at least one of those movies."

Marinette blinked as she turned her attention back to Adrien. He liked friends-to-lovers? That was- well, she didn't think that it was realistic, but it was good to know that about Adrien. Maybe- maybe it would help. Somehow.

"I just think it's a good set-up for a healthy relationship," Adrien was saying when Marinette re-focused on what was going on around her. "I mean, they already know each other, and what the other person is like, and how to cheer the other person up when they're down, and their favorite kind of food, and their dreams, and-" He cut himself off mid-sentence, shrugging sheepishly. "They already know that they work together well. If you just jump into a relationship out of nowhere- I mean sure, it could work, but how likely is it? There's not that base already there. There has to be a much steeper learning curve, right?"

There was a pause.

"Okay, so one vote for friends to lovers trope from Adrien," Nino drawled, sitting back in his chair. "Uh, I don't really have any strong opinions about it, I guess. Alya?"

"I'm not anywhere near as passionate about any of those tropes as Adrien is, but you know me- anything with superheroes is great," Alya said with a grin, and Marinette jolted as she got kicked under the table. "But I think Marinette might be a little superhero-ed out after listening to me talk about the Ladyblog all of the time, so maybe we can listen to Adrien wax poetic about his favorite trope some more and just copy down what he says, write it up, and call it a day."

As Adrien started protesting the waxing poetic bit of Alya's statement, Marinette sat back in her seat. Adrien was clearly super-passionate about the friends-to-lovers thing and he listed off a lot of good points. It kind of sounded like he would want his own romantic relationships to develop out of a friendship, so he wouldn't be trying to- as he had put it- be trying to build a base together from scratch when starting a relationship. Given how reserved Adrien could be around people he didn't know, that- well, that kind of made sense.

Scratch that, it made a lot of sense.

Marinette leaned forward to watch Adrien banter with Nino, amusement glinting in his eyes and a grin pulling at the corners of his lips. His expression was warm and open and comfortable, a far cry from what he looked like whenever she made one of her confession attempts and ended up babbling nonsense instead.

She would have to change her approach, that much was clear. If Adrien wanted a friends-to-lovers relationship, well...

Then she would focus on being the best friend to Adrien that she could be and just hope against hope that eventually, he might return her feelings.

Adrien couldn't help but half-collapse against Marinette's side as he laughed, snickering more as she groaned at her accidental pun.

He wasn't sure what had changed exactly, but a few months ago Marinette had stopped sometimes getting awkward around him and her full teasing side came out around him. They had similar enough senses of humor that they got along like a house on fire, joking around and teasing each other all the time. Depending on the day, Marinette either punned just as much as he did or groaned at every increasingly bad pun that he threw her way.

It was fun.

It was actually really good timing, Adrien reflected as Marinette returned his lean. Nino and Alya had gotten increasingly more attached at the hip lately as they started getting more serious about their relationship, and Adrien missed the close friendship that he and Nino had had. He was sure that Nino didn't mean to ditch him- it didn't help that Alya was always rushing off to record for the Ladyblog or edit submitted videos or write up articles and organize superhero photos and Nino helped out a lot with that now, and Adrien couldn't come to all of the hangouts that he used to because his father had tightened the reins thanks to the increased fan attention after Adrien branched out from modeling- but it didn't change that Nino did run off with Alya more often than not.

But Marinette seemed less interested in the superheroes than her best friend did, so she wasn't dashing off all the time. It was natural for the two of them to gravitate towards each other.

"Always with the cat puns," Marinette complained, though Adrien couldn't help but notice the note of amusement in her voice. "Bread puns are a much higher art form."

"Meow-tch, Marinette, always so judging," Adrien teased, jostling her with his shoulder. "Though at yeast you can appreciate some puns."

Marinette laughed that time. "Some puns are bread-er than others. But purr-haps we should put aside the buns- er, puns- and actually get the homework done."

Adrien grinned. "That sounds like a good idea. I think our teachers have forgotten that they're all giving us homework, we're getting so much. There's not enough time in the day to get all of it and my activities done." He had finally had to ask Nathalie to start cutting back on obligations, starting with commercials and other extras on top of photoshoots. It had helped, but soon he was going to have to start looking at what else he could cut. If he didn't have being Chat Noir on the side he would be able to handle everything just fine, probably, but dropping that was definitely not an option, so his other activities were all up for potentially being sent to the chopping block instead. "I'm looking forward to the summer, though I wouldn't be surprised if Father hires a tutor again so that I can stay ahead of the curve."

Marinette made a face, then glanced over at him. "I would say that that stinks, but it makes classes during the school year easier, doesn't it?"

"It makes more of a difference in some classes than others, so maybe I'll be able to persuade Father to only have the tutor do those subjects. Math and science are good to had a head start in," Adrien clarified. "Literature, not so much. And with History... well, the curriculum varies so much, I could spend all summer working on memorizing dates and names, only to get to school and find out that we're focusing on something different."

"Ooh, that's gotta be frustrating."

Adrien shrugged. If it weren't for the fact that he had hoped that the head start would help him when it came to keeping up despite his superhero activities, he probably wouldn't have cared that much. His tutors for history had always been big on names and dates, whereas he saw the general events as more important. Either way, the memorization would have eventually become a waste of time.

The two of them fell into a companionable silence as they worked on their homework, only interrupted by the occasional question. They ended up working through a couple math problems together, puzzling through a strategy that they had apparently both missed hearing in class together. Marinette's brow furrowed and her tongue stuck out as she focused, and Adrien grinned at the image before returning his attention to his own paper.

Doing homework with other people hadn't been a perk that Adrien had thought of when he first started going to school, but he had to admit that it actually made homework somewhat enjoyable. Both he and Marinette were getting helped by it, and, well, Adrien had never liked doing homework alone in his large room.

He was so, so lucky to have Marinette as a friend, he really was.

"My father is going to kill me."

Nino winced as he looked in the tear in Adrien's jacket. The fabric had ripped when an overzealous fan had grabbed at Adrien's jacket when he was trying to head to class, and Adrien had reflexively jerked away. Chloe had chased the unfortunate girl off, but the damage was already done. "Can't your father just make another for you? Or buy another, I don't know how it works when he owns the company."

"I wish. But this is from a discontinued line." Adrien carefully pulled the jacket off, careful not to pull on the fabric further. "And he always wants me to treat my clothing carefully, anyway. It won't matter that a fan grabbed onto it."

"But it's not even your fault!" Nino exclaimed, clearly frustrated, and Adrien couldn't help but wince. He knew that, just as well as Nino did, but he knew what his father would tell him: even though the fan shouldn't have grabbed him, Adrien should have asked them politely to let go of his clothing before moving away. Jerking away not only endangered his clothes but also looked impolite. No matter how often Adrien tried to explain stuff like that to Nino, his friend seemed stuck on how unfair it was.

Adrien knew how unfair it was. He didn't need to be told. That was just how his life was, and he had to work with it.

"Yeah, but I could have avoided the tear still." Adrien looked at the jacket again, trying not to sigh. It was one of his very favorites, and now it was ruined. "What's worse is that it's a little chilly for just a t-shirt, but I can't be seen out and about with a torn jacket."

Nino made a face. "Yeah, that's tough."

As the two of them headed into the classroom, Adrien folded up his jacket, setting it down on the seat next to him. He would grab another one to wear for the afternoon when he went home for lunch, but he would just have to be a little chilly for the morning.

(His mom had loved the look of that jacket on him, saying that the collar was a good shape to compliment his face. He hadn't been looking forward to outgrowing it, but to have it ruined before that, even...)

"Morning, you two!" Alya greeted them cheerfully as she entered the classroom, Marinette not far behind her. Then she caught sight of Adrien's expression and frowned. "What's with the long face?"

"Some fangirl latched on to Adrien's jacket and tore it," Nino explained before Adrien could. "And he's worried about his father's reaction."

"What kind of tear?" Marinette asked at once, sliding into her seat and leaning forward over the desk. "Can I see? Maybe I can fix it."

Adrien lit up at once, picking up his jacket and shaking it open so that he could show Marinette. "Here, right along the buttons in front. It's in kind of a bad spot, though."

Marinette took it from him gently, eyes already inspecting the tear. "It isn't big, though, which is good. And your jacket is white, so I have thread in my bag that matches. Or at least I should." She set the jacket down and started digging in her bag, coming up with an aha and a sewing kit in her hand. "The fabric is a bit thin near the tear, though, so you might want to get it stabilized, too, so it doesn't tear in the future. I should have the materials for that at home, if you want me to do that after school."

Adrien slumped in relief. "Thank you so much. I didn't want to get rid of that jacket."

Marinette beamed at him as she pulled out a length of white thread and cut it. "It's no problem, really!"

Adrien watched as Marinette threaded her needle and then started inspecting the tear, pinning it in place so that she could start stitching. The bell rang before she could get in more than a stitch or two, though, forcing her to push it to the side for the time being.

Throughout the morning, Marinette worked on the jacket when she could, attaching the sides of the tear back together with tiny stitches. She had it back together by the time the bell rang to release them for lunch.

"Just be careful with that bit until we get it stabilized after school," Marinette warned him as she handed the jacket back. "That won't take long, it's just an iron-on piece to make up for the fact that that area is worn a bit thin."

Adrien nodded eagerly as he inspected the repair. The new seam was about as close to invisible as it could possibly be, which was a true testament to Marinette's skill. "Thank you so much, Mari. You're a lifesaver."

Marinette just ducked her head, suddenly shy. "It's really no problem. I'm glad to do it."

Later that day, once the thin spots had been expertly strengthened so that the jacket wasn't in any danger of ripping again and Marinette was blushing under his heaping praise, Adrien was glad that he had such a fantastic friend as Marinette.

"Wait, can you do that move again, but slower?"

Marinette laughed as she repeated the move, just as quickly as before. Onscreen, her bot smashed her opponent into the ground. "What, and give away my secrets? How am I supposed to win then?"

"We could team up and play partner mode," Adrien suggested as the computer screen flashed with Marinette's victory. "And how are you meant to get better if you keep all of your secret moves to yourself so that I can't win?"

Marinette just laughed, her nose scrunching up adorably as she did.

Adrien hung over her shoulder as she started up the next game. "You would leave your teammate in the dark and put yourself at a disadvantage by keeping moves to yourself?"

"You could always watch and learn," Marinette teased, only taking her eyes off of the screen for long enough to stick her tongue out at him. Adrien thought about catching her tongue with his fingers, just to tease her, but he thought better of it last minute. "That's how I started out."

"Okay, first of all, I'm hardly starting out, and second- have you ever watched your fingers? They're too fast to follow."

Marinette sniffed. "Flattery will get you nowhere."

"Are you sure? Would fluttering my eyelashes help?"

"That's not flattery, that's flirting," Marinette said with a laugh. "Not the same thing. And that won't get you far, either."

Adrien pumped one fist, undeterred. "Not far isn't the same as nowhere. It's progress!"

Marinette half-groaned, half-sighed. "You- you can't just flirt with people to get your way, Adrien."

"I wasn't going to go around flirting with everyone I meet, I was just going to flirt with you!" Adrien grinned over at her. "If I flutter my eyelashes enough, can I at least get a hint about the combo?"

Marinette's smile turned impish. "Sure. If you do enough fluttering, then you can get a hint."

Adrien didn't trust that smile, but he leaned over into Marinette's space and gave his eyelashes a good flutter, like he had seen Chloe do before. Marinette didn't look impressed, so he upped his game, fluttering his eyelashes until he could barely make out Marinette's face between the flutters. A snort of laughter told him that he had succeeded and Adrien sat back, triumphant.

"All right, one hint," Marinette announced, her voice quivering with barely-suppressed laughter. "And your hint..."

Adrien nodded eagerly.

"...is that making the combo requires hitting buttons on the controller."

"Marinette!" Adrien complained at once, lips falling into a pout. "I already knew that, that doesn't count!"

"If you want a proper hint, you'll have to up your flirting game to more than just eyelash fluttering," Marinette said primly. "That's beginner stuff. Everyone can do that."

Adrien smirked at her, crossing his arms. "Are you telling me to up my flirting game? 'Cause I can totally up my flirting game. You're playing with fire, Mari."

Marinette's scoff was enough to fire up Adrien's competitive streak. Pulling his feet up, he rolled over on the couch into his best flirty pose. Mentally thanking his exposure to modeling shoots- while he wasn't old enough yet to participate in the sexier shoots (a fact that he was endlessly thankful for), he had been in the area to get ready for his own shoots while the older models settled themselves into more alluring poses for more mature shots- Adrien lounged on the couch in his best seductive pose, finishing the pose with a quirked eyebrow at Marinette.

She did not look seduced. Instead, she burst into laughter.

"Oh come on," Adrien complained, lip sticking out in a pout. "That was flirty!"

"If you were wearing the right clothes, maybe," Marinette said with a laugh. "But Adrien, you're wearing a bread pun shirt and your hair is a mess. It's a funny contrast, that's all."

"Are you saying that a bread pun t-shirt can't be seductive?" Adrien demanded automatically before his brain caught up with his mouth. Once it did, he winced. "...uh, can you forget that I said that?"

The answer, he was guessing, was probably no. Marinette had fallen off of the couch laughing, her nose crinkled in clear delight. It was pretty adorable, actually, and Adrien couldn't even find it in himself to be embarrassed. Instead, he couldn't help but chuckle along as Marinette cackled on the floor.

"Oh my god, I can't believe I ever thought that you were cool," Marinette finally managed, flopped out bonelessly on the floor as giggles still occasionally shook her frame. "You're a dork. An adorable Grade- A dork."

"I can be cool," Adrien protested, but it felt more automatic than anything else. If Marinette thought that he was an adorable dork, then he was an adorable dork. "I can prove it!"

Marinette's giggles picked up again. "Is this gonna be like you 'proving' that you can flirt? Because I have some concerns."

Adrien could only smile at Marinette as she laughed, the beam on her face lighting up the room. She made everything she touched brighter, she really did.

He was so, so lucky to have her in his life.

Chat Noir hated romantic akumas. He hated them.

Part of it was that they had a tendency to have mind-control powers. That always stunk. He didn't mind getting knocked around- super-suits made getting thrown clear across Paris a minor inconvenience. But getting mind-controlled? Getting turned against his Lady? That stunk.

The other part of it was- well, he hated the reminder that Ladybug didn't see him in the same way that he saw her. And sometimes they had to act the part of a couple to fly under an akuma's notice, and that was always hard, too. He couldn't get distracted by cheek kisses or snuggles or- anything, really. Especially the way that Ladybug played an attentive girlfriend, acting as though she was in love with him.

Akuma battles were always at least a little physically exhausting, but those battles were pretty emotionally exhausting as well. And Chat Noir- well, he wished that it wasn't like that. He wished that it would just be like any other battle where he had to watch out for particularly destructive powers.

He had tried moving on from Ladybug before, when he had talked to Kagami and came away with the suggestion that he switch targets. But that was easier said than done, and that whole day ("date", technically) had just kind of been a mess. While Adrien liked Kagami well enough, his feelings for her were more friendship and admiration than love.

When Adrien had told Nino about it a while after the fact (in the vaguest of terms, because he didn't want his friend asking about who his mystery love was, because how was he supposed to explain that it was Ladybug? Nino would think that it was a celebrity crush, something simple and not deep at all), Nino had groaned, rolled his eyes, and told Adrien that of course Kagami had made that suggestion, because she had a crush on him and of course she wanted him to move on from the other person. It wasn't meant to be good advice, it was meant to get him to look her way.

It hadn't worked, at least not very well.

But Nino hadn't really given Adrien any other advice in place of Kagami's, but maybe that was because Nino didn't have any experience with moving on from a past crush. He had switched his attention from Marinette to Alya, sure, but that had happened pretty much instantaneously and had Adrien wondering how on earth that had happened and if Nino's crush had really been on Marinette at all.

(After all, Marinette was amazing. And Alya was pretty cool, too, but Adrien just couldn't understand how someone could fall out of love with Marinette, let alone that fast, and then fall for someone else entirely within the space of an hour or so. That was just- it was unthinkable, really.)

But that was all beside the point at the moment: once again, there was a romantic akuma, and once again, he and Ladybug had had to play the part of a romantic couple to defeat it, to avoid getting hit by its powers. Once again, he was more affected by it than he wanted to be, considering that Ladybug- well, Ladybug had made it pretty clear that she wasn't interested in him like that and he had to respect that and move on. Somehow.

So naturally, Adrien went to Marinette, telling her everything (well, aside from the whole "superhero" thing- that wouldn't be a good idea, even if she was probably one of the most trustworthy people in Paris. He just dubbed Ladybug as a colleague, which- well, he could do that. He had a job outside of superheroing, after all) and then finishing with Kagami and Nino's input.

"Okay, yeah, Nino was right about Kagami's advice," Marinette said with a wince. "That's- if you're in love with someone else, just jumping into another relationship is never going to go well, you're just going to be distracted. It's not going to magically get you to move on."

"Yeah, okay, it's good to hear that," Adrien said, his shoulders relaxing. "I was worried that I just didn't give it enough of a try. But I- I want to be able to move on. Not necessarily with Kagami, but I want to respect my colleague's feelings. She's already rejected me, and holding out hope- well, I realized that it was just resulting in me being pushy."

Marinette smiled at him. "That's good about you to recognize that! But, uh..." She worried her lips. "I don't know what to say. I mean, maybe just be open to moving on and developing feelings for other people? Like, be able to recognize those potential feelings instead of just shutting them down as not a possibility, which- I can't read minds, I don't know if that might have been something that you've been doing or not. Only you can do that."

Adrien thought about it. Plagg had teased him about having feelings for Kagami and- well, actually, Marinette as well. And Adrien had kind of shut down the idea. Whether it was because he didn't actually think of them like that or because of Ladybug...well, it could be either. It could be both.

Clearly he needed to do some self-reflection next time Plagg claimed that Adrien was crushing on his friends.

"And then I would just say to make sure that you can actually commit and aren't still hung up on this other girl," Marinette added. "No one likes playing second fiddle. If you aren't ready to fully move on, don't rush yourself." She grinned. "I know it can be hard, with so many of our classmates in relationships, but..."

"Solid advice," Adrien agreed. He had to admit that yeah, seeing more and more of his peers starting to date had made him long for the same sort of relationship and the same sort of closeness, but Marinette was right. If he started dating, he needed to actually be properly invested in the relationship, not just trying to use it to move on from Ladybug. He owed whoever his future girlfriend might be that much. "Thanks, Marinette."

She just beamed at him. "No problem."

Adrien smiled back, feeling better about the whole situation now. Marinette always knew what to say, it seemed. He would take her advice for sure, and Adrien was sure that it would serve him well.

Whoever ended up with such a fantastic girl in the future was a lucky, lucky person, and Adrien hoped that they would treat her right.

Stress hung over Marinette like a stormcloud. Adrien watched her with concern, his brow furrowing as he watched his friend start freaking out a bit, digging herself into a hole of anxiety as she tried to figure out how to tackle her pile of things to do.

Adrien couldn't let her do that to herself. Marinette helped out him- helped out all of her classmates- whenever she could. And now it was his turn to help her.

"Marinette, breathe," Adrien ordered, placing his hands on her shoulders. "Breathe. What are you panicking about?"

"I just- I have too much stuff to do!" Marinette exclaimed, hands knotting in her hair. "And then I get interrupted by other stuff, and I have less time, and exams are coming up, and- and-"

"Breathe," Adrien ordered, giving Marinette's shoulders another squeeze. "What all do you have to do?"

Marinette let out a huff. "Studying, of course. I told Alya that I would babysit for her tonight, before all this piled up- well, that was more of a regular thing, so it was assumed that I would do it this week, too, and I can't get anything done when I'm watching Ella and Etta, and then Jagged Stone wants me to design an outfit for him and I'm supposed to email him my concepts Saturday morning, and then I have some mending to do for Kitty Section's outfits, and then I'm supposed to be organizing something for this year's Heroes Day and I just- I don't know what I should be doing, if another picnic would work or if I should organize some volunteering thing, or- I don't know. If I do a volunteering thing, I have to get that figured out soon so that I can contact the appropriate people, and-"

"You're not breathing." Adrien's thumbs started to rub circles on Marinette's shoulders. "Slow down. We can work through this. First of all, drop the babysitting. Tell Alya that you can't do it this week. She's your best friend, she wouldn't want to be one of the reasons why you're stressed out." And if Alya had any problems with Marinette backing out, Adrien would have words with her. "Okay?"

Marinette's nod was jerky.

"I personally really love the volunteering idea for Heroes Day." Adrien glanced down at Marinette. She nodded, though there was a small bit of a wince there. "I know I've heard of organizations kind of taking advantage of the celebration to set up volunteering opportunities, so if we can find a collège-level one, it might just be a matter of clearing it with Ms. Bustier and signing the class up."

Marinette looked up at him. "W- we?"

"You didn't really think that I wouldn't offer to help out, did you? Not a single chance." Sure, maybe his schedule was pretty busy too, but Adrien could manage. Besides, he could probably do some research to find an opportunity when he was getting driven around to photoshoots and his assorted other activities.

The look of utter relief on Marinette's face- wow. She clearly had been stressed beyond belief.

"Kitty Section can make do without the repairs until you have time," Adrien continued after a second, remembering the pieces that Marinette was referring to. "And I don't think we have any performances for a while." He gave Marinette a fond look. "You were just trying to be ready for anything, weren't you?"

"Maybe just a little," Marinette admitted with a shaky giggle. "It's just one more pile in my room, always reminding me that I have to do it. And it wouldn't take long, necessarily- none of the repairs are that big- but I can't get other stuff done at the same time."

Adrien smiled, even as he pulled her into a hug. "That's very you. But just set them to the side and remember that they aren't a priority. It's not worth stressing yourself out over."

"Okay."

"And Jagged Stone is really understanding, you know he is," Adrien finished. "Email Penny and tell her that you've got a little too much going on at the moment to be inspired for something properly rock 'roll and you need a little more time. I'm sure he commissioned you with plenty of time in mind."

Marinette nodded into his shoulder.

"I can text Nathalie and ask permission to come study with you," Adrien added quietly, tucking Marinette deeper in his arms. "I know it can be easier to study together sometimes, so that you stay focused and we can quiz each other. If you want to study alone, just say the word, but if you want to..."

"I want to study together," Marinette said quietly, hugging him tighter. "I have some questions about our math unit, and I've really been struggling with studying for that test. And you seem to understand it."

"Of course." Adrien smiled into Marinette's head. "No problem." He paused. "D'you want to start studying right away, before class starts, or...?"

"Can we just stand here for a bit?" Marinette asked quietly. "I just need to breathe for a minute."

Adrien hugged her tighter, more than willing to prolong the hug. "Of course."

No matter what Marinette needed, Adrien would be there for her. She was amazing, but even the most amazing people needed support every now and then. They couldn't be expected to carry their load all on their own. They couldn't. They would eventually break under the pressure.

And Marinette was far too precious to let break.

Adrien had just realized that his heart had gotten tangled up. Again.

It hadn't- it hadn't exactly been a sudden realization, more just one that crept up on him over time. He hadn't realized it sooner, probably because with Ladybug, it had been immediate.

With Marinette, it had been gradual. They had gone from friends-of-friends to actual friends to best friends, pretty much, and now...

Yeah, he was in over his head, and he hadn't even realized it before.

Adrien smiled as he watched Marinette laughing with Rose. It was such a far cry from the strung-out anxious look that she had worn only weeks prior, and it was such a better look on her. She had passed her exams with flying colors, Alya had found a different babysitter to take over when she went out on dates with Nino (which was for the better, in Adrien's opinion; after all, Marinette wasn't getting paid for the extra work and she had a lot more than Alya did on her plate), their Heroes Day trash pick-up volunteering opportunity was lined up for right after school, Rose had helped finish up the mending, and Jagged Stone's outfit sketch had absolutely burst out of Marinette and onto paper as soon as all of her other worries had been sorted out, and the rock star had loved it. Marinette had started working on getting pattern pieces cut already, but Jagged Stone had assured her that really, there was no hurry, he just had wanted to get in line for a Marinette original before she hit it big and forgot about him.

Adrien's smile got bigger at that particular memory. Marinette had giggled at Jagged Stone's dramatic proclamation, turning pink. Her, getting so famous that she forgot about Jagged Stone? Unlikely. But he clearly had a lot of faith in her, and was more than willing to work with her schedule instead of her having to actually hit any deadline. And he was paying her well, too, which Adrien had (briefly) been concerned about.

He didn't want anyone taking advantage of Marinette's kindness and eagerness to help out, so he was glad that Jagged Stone at least understood the importance of actually compensating Marinette fairly for her time and talent.

Her extensive talent. Ever since they became close friends, Adrien had gotten to see more and more of Marinette's work and it was so creative and fun and bubbly and her. No matter what she decided to do in the future, be it being an independent designer or joining some lucky company, she would excel.

And Adrien wanted to be there to see it firsthand, from Marinette's side if possible.

Plagg sniggered from inside of Adrien's jacket, making Adrien startle and pull his gaze away from Marinette. He had been staring, and being far too obvious about it.

"Well, you've gotten your friends-to-lovers romance," Plagg sing-songed, smirk clear in his voice. "Like I've called all along."

"There's no to lovers yet," Adrien hissed back, trying not to move his lips. He was already weird because of the smell that came with Plagg's cheese obsession; he didn't need to be labeled as the boy who talked to himself, too. "I've fallen for her, sure, but there's no way to know if she feels the same way."

Which was the problem with the whole "friends to lovers" trope, he was now realizing. Sure, he fell for Marinette and absolutely everything about her, but what now? Did he flirt and see if she flirted back? Would that even mean anything if she did? They already had a pretty flirty dynamic, so how was he meant to up that without it going a little too far? He didn't want to make Marinette uncomfortable at all, and he didn't want to risk losing their close friendship.

Romantic comedies made it look so easy, transitioning from friends to something more. It was not easy.

"Yet," Plagg stressed. "You can't just sit back and magically be dating. You gotta ask her."

"That's the hard part!" Adrien complained. "I don't know if she feels the same!"

And there was no way to safely figure that out. If Adrien asked Alya she would probably know, but the likelihood that she would tell Marinette...no, he couldn't risk it. Alya might be too interested in the possibility of double dates to keep the secret. But Nino...

Well, Nino could maybe give him some advice. Nino was in a relationship, and he and Alya had kind of been friends before they started dating, though they hadn't been anywhere as close to each other then as Adrien and Marinette were now.

...and Nino had tried to confess to Marinette (Adrien was so, so glad now that that attempt had been thoroughly bungled), panicked and claimed that he was in love with Alya, who apparently had been close enough to overhear somehow (he had never quite understood that part of Nino's explanation), and then got locked in an empty panther cage for long enough for them to actually talk through the awkwardness and figure out that they might actually be interested in dating.

It was very possible that Nino was not a shining example of how to start a relationship. Still, there was a friends-to-lovers sort of dynamic there even if he and Alya pretty much powered accidentally into the awkward stage , and Nino knew Marinette and had Alya as a girlfriend, so maybe he would have some insights there.

Adrien dithered about it for several days, trying to decide if it was really a good idea. Best-case scenario, Nino didn't tell anyone and dished out some good advice. Worst-case scenario- well, worst-case scenario either had Nino telling Adrien that he knew that Marinette wasn't interested, or had Nino telling Alya and Alya telling Marinette and everything going completely weird. But he didn't- he couldn't sit in limbo for forever. It just wasn't in his nature.

So Adrien told Nino.

"-and normally I would just flirt and test the waters that way but we flirt for fun anyway, we have for ages, so I can't do that. And I've watched a bunch of my favorite movies to try to get ideas, but romantic comedies made the whole confession thing look so easy but what if I confess and she doesn't feel that way? What if I make things weird? Nino, help," Adrien all but begged, eyes widening hopefully at his friend.

His friend, who was laughing at him.

"The two of you are ridiculous, you really are," Nino said with another chuckle. "Especially you, watching movies to get ideas. Obviously they aren't going to be particularly realistic, they're fantasies."

"I was desperate!"

"Yeah, I can tell," Nino muttered. Then he sighed. "Hopeless."

"Do you have any suggestions, though?" Adrien asked, feeling a little less hopeful now. "I just don't want to ask and make things weird if she's not interested in me like that, so I need to figure it out on my own first, and-" He groaned, running his hands through his hair. "I just don't know how to do that. And if I misread her and ask her out when she's not interested...I just don't see how that wouldn't mess stuff up between us."

Nino ran his own hand through his hair with a mutter and a groan, then dropped his hands back down with a sigh. He fixed Adrien with a look. "Okay, I'm not supposed to say anything under threat of disembowelment, but trust me- you will not be disappointed if you ask. Seriously."

Adrien stared at Nino. "Have- have you heard something? How do you know that?"

"I've got my connections, all right? That's all I can say." Nino glanced over his shoulder towards where Adrien and Marinette were talking across the courtyard. "Trust me, and ask her out. Just make sure that you don't overschedule yourself and end up with a photoshoot or something when you promised to take Marinette out on a date, okay?"

With that, Nino nodded to Adrien and headed towards Alya, a spring in his step. Adrien watched him go, stuck between elation and worry.

He trusted Nino. If Nino promised that Marinette liked Adrien like that, then Adrien wouldn't question him. But Nino had brought up another concern- Adrien had to cancel things all the time thanks to 'last-minute photoshoots' or 'extra piano lessons' or- he couldn't remember all of his excuses, even. They were pretty much all actually akuma attacks that he had to go deal with, but it wasn't like he could actually say that. And Nino was right- it wasn't as though Adrien could just go around canceling dates all the time without it having some impact on his relationship with Marinette.

If they started dating and he was canceling all the time, they would probably end up breaking up, and that would be even worse for their relationship. No, he couldn't do that. He would have to wait until Hawkmoth was defeated- but he didn't know how long that would take. Marinette might move on to someone else in the meantime, thinking that he wasn't interested, and Adrien would find himself with a one-sided crush again.

But at least he would still be friends with Marinette then.

"Kid, I know what you're thinking, and it's not going to work like that," Plagg told him, popping out of Adrien's jacket. "You're forgetting that Nino knows that you're interested in Marinette now, and he's probably going to tell Alya pretty much right away. They're both going to be waiting for you to ask Marinette out."

Adrien groaned. He had pretty much backed himself into a corner now, hadn't he? That was frustrating. He just- he didn't want to ruin things. "Plagg, I need your ancient wisdom. I'll get you a round of really fancy cheese if you help."

Plagg snorted. "I'll help just to get you to stop moping around, but the cheese is a nice touch." He shifted, settling down more comfortably in Adrien's pocket. "I'd say be honest with Marinette. Like, she knows that you have to dash off sometimes. You've been friends long enough for her to know that. She might be able to come up with a solution to work around your need to run off. That, or at least acknowledge that she's willing to go into a relationship with the understanding that you might have to cancel and reschedule stuff."

...okay, Plagg could give out good advice when he wanted to. Adrien let out a breath, considering Plagg's words. He made a good point; Marinette knew him already, and put up with him dashing off for akuma attacks (or 'last-minute photoshoots') without complaint. Communication was important, Adrien had heard Mr. Dupain and Mrs. Cheng say that before. Even though it was intimidating, Adrien needed to include Marinette in the conversation. He couldn't take her decision away from her.

If she wanted to try dating with the understanding that he might have to cancel last-minute, then they would. If she wanted to wait until his schedule settled down, then they could do that and Adrien would seriously step up his game as Chat Noir and try to brainstorm ideas (potentially with Ladybug's assistance; after all, she was the creative powerhouse of their team) to track down and defeat Hawkmoth for once and for all.

It took a couple days for Adrien to build up the courage to bring up the topic with Marinette. He was worried about how to approach the whole thing- he didn't want to get her hopes up about potentially dating him, only to be let down when he made it clear that last-minute cancellations would be unavoidable. Adrien had decided that if she gave him a chance, he would do his best to let Marinette know before transforming and heading into battle, instead of ghosting and then letting her know later.

Despite having practiced (and refined, and practiced and refined some more) what he was going to say, Adrien muddled his entire prepared speech in front of Marinette, words and points out of order to the point where he wondered if anything was comprehensible. Marinette sat patiently, listening until Adrien's words until they tumbled to an uncoordinated stop. Adrien had turned steadily redder as he talked, and now his cheeks were flaming.

He was sure that the Dupain-Chengs were right and communication was important, but right now, communication was feeling a lot like spilling his guts on the ground in an ungainly heap and then cringing in mortification.

Thankfully, Marinette was ever-understanding and fantastic. She took a minute to parse through all of Adrien's words, then nodded and sat back, her own cheeks pink.

"Okay, if I'm understanding correctly- you're interested in dating me, but you're worried about having to miss dates because of things scheduled for you last-minute," Marinette started, watching Adrien's expression. "And you don't want us to start dating and then break up because of that."

Adrien nodded, swallowing. "Right."

"And Nino gave away that I would be interested."

Adrien gulped. He hadn't realized that he had given that away in the rush of word vomit. "Uh."

"If you hadn't told him that you were interested first, he would be dead," Marinette muttered, then she smiled and scooted closer to Adrien. "I understand that you have a lot more stuff going on in your life than a lot of other kids our age, Adrien. And I know that you sometimes get called away for stuff unexpectedly. I do too, sometimes." She reached out, squeezing his hand. "We can work around that."

Adrien looked into Marinette's eyes, swallowing hard as he searched for any hesitation. There wasn't any, just her normal lovely determination. "It might get frustrating after a while. I know Nino didn't mind at first, but it got really old, really fast. And that was just with, like, study sessions. Not dates."

"We can make it work." Marinette's smile was small, but determined. "We can be flexible with our planning. Maybe we can set stuff up last-minute, once we know that you don't have an activity shoehorned in. And we can keep our dating pretty laid-back, too. Like, one date per week instead of two or more like Nino and Alya are doing. And we don't have to if we're really busy. Like, dating isn't just about going out."

"We can keep doing our study sessions, like normal," Adrien chimed in, picking up where Marinette was going. The knots in his stomach were slowly unraveling. The way that Marinette was describing their potential relationship was a lot less intimidating than what Nino always talked about, with multiple dates per week and dinners with the parents and literally always cuddling and being together. What Marinette was talking about was them, just with some relationship stuff mixed in.

Marinette giggled. "Though we could start throwing in kisses as celebration for finishing a section."

Adrien officially approved.

"There's no one-size-fits-all relationship, my parents have told me," Marinette finished once the two of them were done nervously giggling at the concept of kisses. "And no single right way to do a relationship. We just have to find what works for us and not be concerned about other people's expectations for us."

"You are officially too smart for me," Adrien said with a laugh, but he scooted closer anyway, gaze dropping to Marinette's lips. "Too much wisdom."

Marinette giggled, and he didn't miss the way that she shifted closer to him, too. "It all comes from my parents, honestly. If you hang around them enough, it wears off on you."

"Well, I think they're usually working when I can come over, but maybe if I spend enough time with you, I'll learn their wisdom by proximity," Adrien suggested, leaning closer. Their noses were practically brushing now. "What do you think?"

"I think that you should stop teasing and kiss me," Marinette breathed, tipping her chin up. "It would be nicer- mmm."

Adrien smiled into the kiss, pulling Marinette closer as they pressed their lips together. His heart was racing, but kissing Marinette just felt right. It felt perfect, and it just got better as Marinette let out a content little sigh and shifted to a better angle.

She was right again, of course. Kissing was much better than teasing.

#Miraculous Ladybug #My writing #adrien agreste #marinette dupain cheng #adrinette #finish the alphabet challenge

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saundraswriting · 4 years ago

Text

Deprived Chapter 1: Fateful Meeting

SUMMARY: Yeon-Woo has reasons for trying to keep the distance between him and Yoo-Han. He will convince him of that one day. Even if it means removing himself from the picture entirely

WARNINGS: Self-depreciating thoughts, possible SH?, slight mental emotional abuse/manipulation

NOTES: This is this first chapter of my Color Rush fic. I am thinking two or three parts. I posted a warning for the canon compliant mentality that comes with mono/probes. I hope you enjoy!

Read it here on Ao3

Next Chapter

Main Masterlist // Drama Masterlist // Ao3

The life of a mono is a lonely one.

Yeon-Woo's mother had explained that to him many times as he got older. She had found and lost her probe, she learned and lost the world of colors and prayed the same would not happen for her son. Her prayers were unanswered for he learned the pain of loss much to soon. She was getting ready for her day of errands, trying to explain the idea of yellow to him, gave him one last loving kiss and was never seen from again.

The life of a mono is a lonely one.

When the case ran cold, he was handed over to his aunt. She-with cheeks wet from tears-took in her nephew and sold what was left of her sisters keeping only what she could not part with. Yi-Rang didn't try to explain what happened only began working tirelessly with her show to begin explaining the truth behind the cases, the new and old, to try to understand what may have happened to her sister. She came and went, in the four years since his mother's disappearance, he became a functioning adult. He practically lived alone and only saw his aunt a couple days a month. The only time he saw her more was when he was in trouble at school.

The life of a mono is a lonely one.

School was hard. He got above average grades but his junior high years were peppered with failed attempts to make friends. They would be fine until somehow they found out he was a mono then he was alone again. Or he would be bullied into transferring and didn't have time to make friends. He was growing accustomed to being alone. He learned to enjoy his solitude, that would have to be enough. The black and white and gray world he lived in seem to sap him of his strength. Some days would pass, Yeon-Woo feeling as empty as his monochromatic vision. He would go to his room, dinnerless and studying until his eyes burned. He might not have anyone but his aunt, even so he refused to disappoint her more.

The life of a mono is a lonely one.

The first day of his new school was supposed to be quiet, easy. He wanted to go to school and come home and not see the look of mild disappointment on his aunt's face. It was anything but that. He made two new friends and met his probe. Yeon-Woo tried to focus on the pretty face but the swirling colors caused his head and stomach to roll, resulting in him passing out. He wasn't aware of the young man carrying him to the nurse's office or the conversation he and the nurse had. Yeon-Woo tried to wake up but the colors were too overwhelming so he closed his eyes again. After a bit he came to, blinking in surprise at the vast amount of color he could see just in the nurse's office. Yeon-Woo ran a fingernail lightly over the fabric of his pants, the vibrant color reminding him of something but not sure what.

"That is the color of the ocean. Ocean Blue or Deep Blue." A smooth voice chimed in from behind. Yeon-Woo could feel them lean closer, see their hand almost touch his.

"The ocean?" This is the color of the ocean?" Yeon-Woo couldn't help but repeat, trying to memorize the color and the words. He knew it was for naught, he would never see it again.

"Mm-hmm." The hand and body shifted away. Yeon-Woo sighed, looking around as the colors began disappearing. He took a deep breath trying to tell himself, he was glad the colors were vanishing. It was better this way.

"That's good, the colors are going away." Yeon-Woo said aloud. He was sure that the disappointment was on his face, and he was happy the person was behind him unable to see his sadness.

Yoo-Han stared at the back before him, watched as the muscles tensed and shoulders slumped. He could hear the uneasiness in the new student's voice and knew in that instant that he would convince Yeon-Woo to want to learn colors and show him his face. Yoo-Han couldn't bare to see this soft boy be sad any longer. He reached a hand out wanting to soothe the young boy who he could tell was unsure of what to do next.

"Don't touch my hair." He swatted away Yoo-Han's hand. "You shouldn't touch a stranger without permission."

Yoo-Han leaned over him, close to his face, not missing the slight flinch. 'He knows who I am, and he isn't used to human contact or attention.' He thought to himself. "Good thing we aren't strangers, Choi Yeon-Woo. You are my mono and I am your probe." Yoo-Han replied smiling through the mask.

"No. I refuse. I didn't want to meet my probe. This never happened." Yeon-Woo stood up and wobbled unsteadily. Yoo-Han came around the bed hand raised to help but was waved off.

"Are you upset that I am your probe?" Yoo-Han wasn't one for insecurities but having the person practically destined for you deny you at the first meeting was unsettling.

"Who it was doesn't matter. I never needed to meet my probe. I didn't need to meet them." Yeon-Woo said. "And you shouldn't be excited to meet your mono. Don't you know? I could hurt you, kidnap you, kill you, or eat you to keep my colors. Monos shouldn't meet their probes, it is bad for you." Yeon-Woo tried to explain.

"Most of those stories are blown out of proportion. Also the media fixates on the stories were the monos are overly violent because you all are different. I don't think you could hurt a fly." Yoo-Han dismissed Yeon-Woo's concerns with a strong roll of his eyes.

"Besides, you are telling me you don't need to meet your probe. You never said anything about not wanting to meet your probe." Yoo-Han leaned in close, ignoring how Yeon-Woo tensed. "Do you want to learn colors?"

Yeon-Woo froze at the question, Yoo-Han saw the longing well up in his eyes before he shoved it and Yoo-Han away. Yoo-Han stood right back up again but Yeon-Woo held his hands up and out like they weren't his and began walking backwards, eyes wide and face pale. "Monos are violent. Always." Yeon-Woo's voice was thick and rough. Yoo-Han felt his heart break for his mono. In that moment, Yoo-Han decided he was going to show this warm gentle boy the wonders of color and show him he deserved nice things. He could tell someone had taught Yeon-Woo that he didn't, society or a person it didn't matter; Yoo-Han would make it better. Yeon-Woo scurried back to his class, picking up his things to go home. The day had been a significant loss and he only hoped that he could convince his new friends Min-Jae and Joo-Haeng that he had been too stressed and didn't eat or sleep.

The next morning Yeon-Woo was convinced he shouldn't go to school. Only the thought of disappointing his aunt made him go once more. Upon arrival he wasn't met with a gang of bullies or the student council or even teachers. The morning progressed like the day before. Yeon-Woo was both pleased and not at the development. He was glad that Yoo-Han chose not to see him but he was looking forward to seeing the class representative and his friend. He changed his shoes trying not to think on it too hard, it was the way his life should be-lonely and gray.

He got to his room and there was Min-Jae and Joo-Haeng waiting outside for him. They reassured him that they had taken care of any rumors of yesterday. When they questioned him about his mono status, he couldn't find it in him to lie. He even told them that Yoo-Han is his probe. Even if he had to transfer in a few weeks once his aunt learned he found his probe he wanted to enjoy his friends. Yoo-Han even kept his distance, only speaking when necessary. The next few days passed that way. Yeon-Woo kept silent on his desire to see colors and see Yoo-Han's face but he was sure that Yoo-Han could read it on his face, he kept watching Yeon-Woo with an intense puzzled look on his face.

A week had passed, and Yeon-Woo was considering his warning actually got through to the stubborn boy. They rarely talked but shared glances more than what was appropriate. Yeon-Woo was trying to be happy that he pushed the caring probe away. Nothing about himself mattered, only the safety of his probe. Yeon-Woo was warming up to the idea of being without his probe, until the day came when he was late. Yeon-Woo was concerned, trying to stifle his questions. The concern he felt had to be evident or he was that predictable for Joo-Haeng to let him know he would be there later in the day. The message soothed the anxiety in his chest. Then terror built. 'We are already too close, if simple thoughts of his wellbeing ease any feeling about him'. The afternoon came, lunch already passed when Yoo-Han came in holding a strange fan looking object.

"I got you something, sunshine. I wanted to ask you again, if you wanted me to teach you colors." Yoo-Han asked softly. Yeon-Woo looked at him in anger. The other two boys watching curiously.

"I have told you once, that should be enough. I do not need to learn colors. You should stay away from me. I already get angry and violent when I see you. For your safety, you should stop." Yeon-Woo hissed at him. He paid no attention to the small fan-like object, only wanting to get over the fact he was already getting attached to this boy.

"I told you too. You will never hurt me. You are confused and that is okay. I figured that before you agree we could do a trial period. I would work with you and help with the color rushes and after a week or so, then you can decided if you never want to do it again." Yoo-Han explained fanning out the device in his hand. "What better to use than a artist's palette. I picked it up just for you." Yoo-Han's eyes were scrunched up under his mask, leading Yeon-Woo to believe he was smiling under the mask.

"No. Thank. You." Yeon-Woo turned to face the front pulling out headphones for the rest of the break. Yoo-Han stared at the back of his head for the rest of the day, scheming up ways to get his mono to agree. Yoo-Han had originally wanted to do this for the selfish reason to see Yeon-Woo's face but the longer he stayed near and the more he got to know Yeon-Woo, Yoo-Han realized he wanted and needed to spend time with this boy. There were soulmates for a reason, who was he to ignore such a destiny.

The rest of the day passed in a monotony of classes and homework. Until their last break, Yeon-Woo seeing no one was around sat down and spread out the palette. He thumbed through it, sighing in defeat. There was no real way to differentiate between the colors, leading to a large amount of confusion. Just as he was going to shut it, he felt familiar heat along his back. Panic made him lurch from his seat, trying to avoid more contact with the idol in training.

"You do want to see. Then let me show you." Yoo-Han bent over his shoulder and starting with the the read shades began listing the different colors. When Yeon-Woo tried to escape again, Yoo-Hann pulled down his mask, the desire to see his face in a color rush overtaking him.

Yeon-Woo blinked up at him, angry and confused. "I told you to not do that. What happens when you stop showing me your face and then I decide to kill you? I am a mono. We are destined to be alone. We are violent angry deprived people. I won't let your presence make me into something I have spent so long trying to avoid." He sat up and ignored Yoo-Han's calls.

"Yeon-Woo, you are pretty even when you are angry." The voice echoes through the empty halls, laughter on the edge of his tone. Yeon-Woo didn't answer him but a quick glance showed Yoo-Han fanning himself with the art palette.

The next couple of weeks showed the same trend. Yoo-Han would entice Yeon-Woo into a color lesson or color rush. The had one in the science lab, after Yeon-Woo flinched heavily at the blood prank. Yoo-Han believing it to be a simple yet distasteful prank, and Yeon-Woo seeing it as a live projection of the nightmares that had been riddling his sleep lately. Yoo-Han slipped his hand down, lacing his fingers with Yeon-Woos trembling ones. In that second, Yoo-Han realized Yeon-Woo's concerns for his safety weren't empty words to create distance but a real issue that tormented him. The color lesson was finished early, Yoo-Han ending it in a fit of jealousy over a rainbow. A rainbow he made to show Yeon-Woo, so he could see his face during a color rush and after as he saw the colors that evaded him day in and day out. Yoo-Han was entranced every time he saw Yeon-Woo experience colors, his eyes wide and mouth gaping. He looked so pretty. 'You'll never be alone again. I promise.' Yoo-Han swore to himself.

He clicked off the flashlight, determining the lesson to be over. Yeon-Woo shoved him into a cupboard practically spitting in anger. Yoo-Han decided then and there he would make their next lesson the last, he would show him that some time color didn't make anything better. Two days later had Yoo-Han waiting for Yeon-Woo to pick up his phone, waiting to invite him to the roof he planned for the next lesson.

Yeon-Woo seemed unable to focus on the view, more concerned with the color of Yoo-Han's hoodie. He trailed his fingers over the zipper, rubbing the fabric lightly. "I know that I shouldn't want to but I want to see colors. I want to see them. I need to see them, some days it is like a physical ache." Yeon-Woo sniffed slightly. Yoo-Han wanted to pull away, comfort this boy that had started to mean more than anything else. "The life of a mono is a lonely one." Yeon-Woo recited. Yoo-Han was confused but before he could say anything, Yeon-Woo sat up. "You were right. This view is lonely. I don't like it." Yeon-Woo turned away.

"I knew you wouldn't. I needed to show you that sometimes colors don't bring all the good emotions and words like you think that do." Yoo-Han tried to explain.

"I know. Yellow is supposed to be happy but all I know it as it sadness. My mom was trying to explain yellow to me the day she disappeared. I also know that one day, if we keep going like this, my desire for color will be the reason for you getting hurt. I am a mono, destined for a lonely life. You are Yoo-Han, you are destined for greatness. I don't want to change that by being selfish. I should want to share your greatness with the world, right?" Yeon-Woo asked. He didn't seem to be looking for an answer.

"Then I will have to make sure that I am always there to show you my face. If I am always with you then there will be no violence." Yoo-Han answered like it was easy. "Yeon-Woo, I won't let you be alone anymore. You want to be shown colors? I want to show you colors. So why don't we? Unless you want to stop."

"Yoo-Han! Who said I wanted to stop? If you are okay with this, maybe we can try it." Yeon-Woo seemed hesitant still, worried.

"We can only try. Come on, lets get you settled into bed. I can walk myself home." Yoo-Han sipped his mask back on, helping Yeon-Woo to his feet. They headed back in silence, Yoo-Han trying to think of a plan as a surprise for his mono. When he got his mono home, he bid him goodbye with a small press of his masked lips against his cheek. Yoo-Han on the bus ride home, bought tickets for next week at an art exhibit, the use of lights and media to make the rooms into art, seemed right up their alley.

Yeon-Woo and Yoo-Han grew closer over the next few days, like somehow the rooftop discussion opened the doors. They ate together, talked together more, studied together. Yoo-Han wanted to ask where Yeon-Woo's aunt was or what was covered up in the corner but refrained. They were enjoying their closeness, mono and probe, safe together. Then one day, the rain seemed to have a direct correlation to Yeon-Woo's mood. They were standing near each other, hands interlocked when out of nowhere Yeon-Woo tried to bolt. Yoo-Han was glad for the mask to hide his hurt, it had been several days since the last attempt at separation, he had been hoping they were getting over it.

"Yeon-Woo, What is your problem?" Yoo-Han wanted to reach out and comfort his mono. Yeon-Woo looked panicked, eyes wide, breaths heavy. 'Yeon-Woo, it is only me. You can tell me." Yoo-Han tried to soothe his...Yeon-Woo.

"I am sorry. I just...I realized..."Yeon-Woo trailed off, eyes flicking around.

"Realized what, sweetheart? You have me worried. Let me help you." Yoo-Han took a few steps closer, grabbing Yeon-Woo's arm.

"I realized that I want to keep you forever. I don't want to let you go." Yeon-Woo finally looked at Yoo-Han, with fear and terror in his eyes.

"Oh, my darling. That is all I have ever wanted to hear you say. I want to keep you forever too." Yoo-Han placed a slim hand on his cheek. "You don't have to let me go if you don't want to. I will be here as long as you want me to." Yoo-Han pulled him into a hug, squeezing tight. "Thank you for telling me. I am so happy. I don't want to let you go either. We'll be together forever. I promise."

They stood hugging under the awning of the school. Yoo-Han trying and failing to stop his heart from breaking when he felt his soulmate's shoulders shaking. He felt an anger unlike any he felt before at the world for telling this sweet soft boy he was unworthy of affection. Yoo-Han was all the more thrilled that tomorrow was their date for the art show. It seemed that after the emotional turmoil of the day, they would need it.

#saundrasays #saundraswriting #color rush #yoo han x yeon woo #protective yoo-han #soft yoo-han #yeon-woo deserves nice things #yoo-han is a nice thing #yeon-woo x yoo-han

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writingformadderton · 5 years ago

Text

This Feeling Inside

Ship: Madderton

Word Count: 2359

Summary: Working on set for Rocketman was the best experience in Tarons life, but as more time goes on, he starts to feel a bit overwhelmed. After a rough day he gets a call of his girlfriend which only makes everything worse. Luckily he has a best friend who decided to check up on him...

Additional Tags: Hurt/comfort, fluff, shower, kiss, emotional hurt, best friends

Taron had a lot on his mind.

Like, a lot.

It had gotten to the point where he began to feel overwhelmed with how much shit was going on in his life. He was trying to adjust to such a busy schedule, as he wasn’t used to having one. At first, it was exciting; playing the starring role in a major film, gaining more fans from it, learning how to work with new aspects on set, as Rocketman was far different from any other films he’d done. But about halfway through filming, he felt himself becoming a bit too overwhelmed.

Hanging on by a thread, so to speak, Taron walked to his trailer after filming the Tiny Dancer scene for hours. He felt his limbs protesting in anger as he trudged his feet up the steps, opening the door and closing it just as fast. He took a deep breath, closing his eyes and clenching his fists slightly, not wanting to break down. He was a 29 year old man, for fucks sake. Breaking down wasn’t exactly in his interest.

But then he got the text; the text that was the final straw to a stressful year.

Em♥️: can we talk? call me when you can.

At first, Taron didn’t think much of it. He let it slide just as smoothly as his fingers worked across the things on his phone screen, tapping all the right buttons to call his girlfriend. She picked up after the second ring.

“Hey babe,” Taron began, feeling slight relief at the fact that he was talking to his lover. “How has your day been? I’m sorry I didn’t text you earlier. I wanted to, but Dex--”

“Taron, we need to talk.” Was all that Emily said, making Taron’s heart drop.

“Okay, is everything alright..?” He chose his words carefully, unsure of the situation.

“No. Well, yes, but no,” The silence over the phone line was deafening. “I just can’t do this anymore.” Her voice trembled as she spoke, causing Taron’s hand to do the same.

“What?” He knew exactly what.

“You’re always gone, and I can’t do that. I need you here. Things between us haven’t been the same lately, and you can try and deny that all you want but we both know it’s true.” She continued.

“Em, we can talk about this. There’s no need to jump into things like this, and--”

“No, Taron, I’m sorry. I love you, okay? I do. But this just won’t work anymore. Our jobs don’t work together. I’m sorry, I am.”

She didn’t sound overly sorry.

“Em--”

“Bye, Taron.”

And then the line went silent. Taron stood in shock, unmoving, hand still in its same position as before. He just got dumped at the worst time possible. He got dumped. A minute went by before it really hit him, that it really happened. Tears began to pool in his eyes, and he didn’t care anymore. Then there was a knock at his trailer door.

“Fuck,” He mumbled to himself, wiping away the evidence threatening to spill down his cheeks. He opened the door slowly, revealing a happy looking Richard. “Rich?” He forced himself to show a happier tone than he was feeling.

“Hey, T. Figured I could stop by and say hello. I’ve missed ye,” He said, smiling shamelessly. “can I come in?”

T bit his lip. “Yeah, of course.” He stepped aside, allowing room for the Scot to make his way into the small trailer.

“So, how are you? How have things been on set?” Richard tried starting a conversation as he leaned against the counter, arms crossed and a happy look on his face.

“I’m good, things have been good.” He forced a smile again, which hurt. It shouldn’t hurt.

“Taron,” Rich spoke in a more serious tone, causing T to snap his head up. ��what’s going on? I can tell something’s off.”

Taron shook his head, returning his gaze to its original place on the floor. He wasn’t planning on having a breakdown. That wasn’t a part of the plan. But his voice cracked on the first word, and the tears started flowing along with that broken sound.

“So much is wrong, fuck,” he stood still, keeping his gaze on the floor and not daring to glance at Rich. “I’m doing fucking horrible with the film, I feel like I can’t get shit right. I’m starting to think I can’t sing because we’ve done so many fucking retakes on songs that Dexter said was good, but clearly he lied,” he took a deep breath. “And I just feel so overworked. I’m fucking exhausted. And to top it all off, Emily just dumped me. Not sure why. She said she couldn’t handle the distance thing, pretty much. I don’t know, God.” he finished, breaking down and finally letting it all out.

Richard stepped forward without hesitation, pulling Taron into his arms and rubbing his back comfortingly, allowing for the younger man to rest his head on his shoulder. “Taron… First of all, you have a gorgeous voice. Just because they want to record things again doesn’t mean that you lack any talent, I promise. And it’s normal to feel overworked. This is your first big film. The Kingsman movies were incredible, but this is about to blow people away. You’re doing fantastic, mate.” Rich spoke these words lowly in Taron’s ear, hearing only a small sniff in return. “Fucking hell, T. You’re doing amazing. As for Emily, I’m sorry. This is awful timing, and I don’t know why she did what she did, but--”

“She did what she did because clearly something is wrong with me. Or the way I am as a boyfriend, I don’t even know anymore.” Taron stood still, feeling himself begin to shake all over in exhaustion. He was already physically tired, but now his emotional state had gone to shit.

“You’re so wrong. You’re in a bad headspace right now, yeah? And when that happens, it’s easy to think bad things of yourself, even when none of them are true.” Rich pulls back and cups Taron’s face in his hands, allowing his thumbs to gently brush over his tear-stained cheeks.

“I don’t know. I’m just so, so tired.” Taron replied, shuddering as he inhaled.

“That’s understandable. Cm’here.” Richard gently placed a hand on Taron’s lower back, guiding him to the bathroom and stopping at the doorway.

“You should shower, get some cozy clothes on, and I’ll make you some tea in the meantime, yeah?” Richard suggested, earning a small nod from T. Rich smiled before turning to leave him to it, but was stopped when a hand grabbed at his wrist.

“Will you please stay?” Taron asked this hopefully, but in the smallest voice. Richard’s heart melted.

“Of course I’ll stay. I’ll sleep on the couch for tonight, and--”

“No, I mean here. Like, the shower. In the shower,” it got uncomfortably quiet. “Will you, um.” He tumbled over his words, struggling.

“Ye want me to shower with you?” Rich lowered his voice to the level of a mumble. Taron slowly nodded, not daring to look him in the eyes. Richard bit his lower lip. “yeah, okay.”

He could have sworn he heard Taron sigh in relief at his response.

Neither men ever had a problem with male intimacy. Taron had once said in an interview, ‘No, I’m not gay, sorry to disappoint. I just love a bromance.’ Rich on the other hand was certainly not straight. Most people knew this by now, but it wasn’t often talked about, mainly because Richard hated the topic being brought up and because it felt like an invasion of his privacy, in a way.

The shower started without Richard realizing it, his attention being drawn to the sound. He glanced up to see Taron stripping from his clothes and looked away, feeling a bit perverted. The door to the shower slid open as T said, “are you coming?” in a quiet voice.

“Taron, what’s going on?” He asked this in the same voice as earlier, when he could tell something was off. This time was different, though. Taron never asked him to shower with him. No, this was new.

“What do you mean?” His voice was hoarse.

“Ye have never asked me to shower with you before.” Was all that Rich could respond with. Taron bit his lip as he stepped under the showerhead, sighing at the feeling of the hot water running down his body.

“I just don’t want to be alone.” He said this in the smallest voice he could muster, somehow the smallest yet. Rich felt his heart ache at this.

“Yeah, okay.” With that, he stripped off his own clothes and slowly stepped into the shower with the shorter man.

He was immediately unsure of what to do with his hands, where to stand, and where to look. The shower was small. He felt crammed. He must have been spacing out like crazy, though, because the sudden feeling of two arms wrapping around his waist caught him completely off guard. Taron had wrapped himself up under Richard’s weight, burying his face into his naked chest and allowing himself to let everything out.

He repeated his actions from before; rubbing comforting circles up and down Taron’s back with one hand and massaged his scalp with the other as tears continued to roll down his cheeks. The cries that shook his body slowly calmed down, turning into small hiccups here and there.

The remainder of their shower consisted of Richard gently massaging Taron wherever he could, trying to calm him down and loosen him up while Taron made sure to shampoo and condition Richard’s hair in return, even when the Scot protested to it.

“I’m sorry.” Taron mumbled once they’d left the bathroom and were seated on the couch.

“For what?” Rich was genuinely confused at his apology; he’d done nothing wrong.

“I’m a 29 year old man and I just cried like a fucking baby over a woman… S’ridiculous.” He stated, rubbing his forehead in frustration and slight embarrassment.

“T,” Rich scooted himself closer and rested a hand on the other man’s knee. “ye don’t need to apologize for letting yer feelings go. Ye did nothing wrong,” the silence increased. “and age has nothing to do with feelings… Those two things shouldn’t have any correlation whatsoever. Just because yer a certain age, doesn’t mean you can’t cry. Hell, it was good for you. Holding that kind of stuff in never helps anyone.”

Taron nodded, “thanks, Rich. I appreciate you a lot.” He spoke quietly, earning a soft smile from Rich.

It stayed silent after that response, though. Neither men seemed overly sure of what to say. They’d just done something so intimate yet it felt so natural, and that fact was clouding their minds with endless thoughts. Rich took the opportunity of sudden awkwardness to steal a glance at Taron, who looked too gorgeous to be real. His eyes were slightly red from the crying he’d let out, similar to his flushed cheeks that were stained from those same tears. His lips were a bit puffier than usual, and-- God, his lips. They hadn’t gotten to any kiss scene yet, and Richard was dying to finally know what he tasted like. But he didn’t want to know what Taron as Elton tasted like, he just wanted to feel the real thing. Taron, in his natural state of beauty.

“Earth to Madden?” Taron jokingly waved a hand in front of his face and Richard gulped at nothing.

“Hmm?” he blinked slowly, trying to listen to the words coming out of Taron’s mouth. Apparently he’d been telling him something, but the Scot had been too focused on the perfection in human form sitting in front of him to listen to anything else.

“So, I guess with that scene I’m just planning on turning around before I tell Berniemmph--” Taron’s words were muffled as quickly as they threatened to escape as Richard pressed his lips to the fluffy pair that he was so desperate to taste.

Taron sat still, not breathing and definitely not moving. Richard lifted a hand to cup at his cheek, rubbing his thumb lightly over the stubbled area. Taron lifted his own shaky hand to wrap it around the back of Richard’s neck, and both men finally relaxed at this.

Rich shifted himself forward slightly, using his free hand to rest behind Taron’s head. The way their lips moved together suggested that they’d done it before. Rich felt complete. And when he tilted his head and squeezed gently at the back of his Taron’s neck, the younger man let out a small moan, and Rich could already feel himself becoming unnecessarily aroused. He pulled away for a breath, allowing for Taron to do the same.

“Ye wanna know something that may make you feel better?” He asked, slightly out of breath.

“Uh, sure?”

“Ye feel bad about crying at the age of 29, but I’m getting hard from making out with someone who’s three years younger than me, at the age of 33. If that’s not embarrassing, then I’m not sure what is.”

Taron laughed at this. Genuinely laughed; those little crinkles formed around his eyes and his dimples finally made an appearance.

“Yer so gorgeous.” Richard spoke his thoughts out loud this time, and Taron’s face burned even brighter than before.

“Okay, now you’re just trying to embarrass me.” Taron suggested. Richard raised his hands in defense.

“I promise that is not the case,” both men chuckled, and Taron reached his hand up once more to copy Richard’s previous motions from before, regarding the way his hand rested on his cheek.

“What was that kiss about, Madden?” he whispered.

“Don’t make me say it out loud.” Rich whispered right back. Taron rolled his eyes before leaning in once more to place a gentle, but meaningful kiss on the man sitting in front of him. And in that moment, he couldn’t help but say the one line from the film that was on his mind:

“It’s gonna be a wild ride.”

@taron-eggmcmuffin @anxiety-at-the-classroom @multicoloredchicken @primaba11erina @sarahegerton96 @maddertonmyheart @madderton-obsessed @naptitimadderton

#taron egerton #Richard Madden #taron x richard #madderton #richard madden fic #taron egerton fic #madderton fic #fluff #emotional hurt #hurt/comfort #comfort #kiss #shower

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