#fuck. that hit me way too hard
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call me a stereotypical annoying teenage girl all you want but titanic (1997) had me absolutely transfixed when I first watched it
#shockingly enough I didn't cry when jack died but I DID tear up at the scene#of the mother in third class telling her children a bedtime story one last time so they can sleep peacefully instead of being afraid#god. and the orchestra??? it's been a pleasure playing with you tonight gentlemen or whatever the line was#fuck. that hit me way too hard#also the set and costume design are BRILLIANT and cathy bates as molly brown SERVED#tbh if I was having a love affair with young twinky leo dicaprio and he died in front of me it'd take WAY more than 84 years#for me to get over it#I'll quit yapping now
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I lived, bitches.
#pain isn't too bad so far but I assume that will change tomorrow because day of you usually still have some anesthetic in your system#also I'm PRETTY sure they fucked up and gave me too much anesthesia because I've had surgery five other times and never been hit this hard#including the major ankle surgery a year ago which was fine#and they clearly wanted to move me out but it took well over an hour for nausea to stop#at least the nausea has finally stopped though#and they had to keep putting the nasal cannula back because I wasn't breathing deeply enough on my own and my O2 stats were too low#so yeah I think the anesthesiologist did not do Fat People Math correctly in the same way that manufacturers of plus size clothing#sometimes try to make it bigger all over and fail at making a garment that fits#surgery itself was apparently fine and very textbook
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currently thinking of how abusive some hockey coaches are and how players are supposed to act like that sort of stuff is normal
#tw abuse#hockey#hockey culture#the ken klee situation in particular is what has me thinking about it#it has me think of babcock who is already known to be a horrid piece of shit#i think of katey stone who emotionally abused her players in harvard#i think of daryl sutter who went as far as to hit a player#i think of donnie harkins - pkane's honeybaked coach who constantly broke kaner's gear and yelled at him and made him cry#...kane was 14 at the time by the fucking way#john tortorella is also a pretty questionable coach at times too#and yet the players (and fans) are supposed to treat this as “normal”#and im tired of the media also glorifying it too#and im tired of it being shrugged off as “being hard on players”#call it what it actually is: abuse#its not normal. it does nothing except fuck up the players mentally#and in kane's case im genuinely convinced harkins' treatment of him had a pretty ugly mental impact on him#which would probably explain why he kept getting into so much off-ice trouble when he was in his 20s#(but im not a psychologist so...)#sports and abuse
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sekai au 👊😔
#my post#hatsune loopku.....#isat#in stars and time#isat siffrin#isat loop#I was SUPPOSED to make a modern au but look. where that got me#prpject sekai.....#hsatsune miku......#woaw.........#I haven't planned this yet. I just wanted to draw loop with Miku's pigtails really badly because I came up with the shape idea and went lik#ogguuguuuuGUG#oh bell yeas#actually well I have a little#small group of college students who met via tutor group (by odile) that turned into a book club and maybe band?#they would all suck playing instruments honestly#I made it a sekai au because I needed loop to go SOMEWHERE and went insane trying to figure something out till I finally went fuck whatever#fine#siffrin made a sekai and loop is there. fine. whatever. fine. yeah. fine#I don't know how the timeloop will come in.#I cant have both a timeloop and a sekai at once.#I would forget the other exists#and focus all on one#or it would be too much at once#also its kind of hard to do a timeloop like the one in-game in a modern way?#there's no good rocks to be crushed by that aren't like a collapsing building anyway#OH OH also this might be the last project sekai related art you see for a WHILE#this game hit my brain worse than project sekai I'm so serious#I've burned through almost all of my sketchbook and there are three(3) drawings that aren't siffrin#THREE.
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no youre completely right - im a gay (trans)man and i legit wanna see so much more about the women bc There Is So Little. I wanna make a lesbian oc who gets bent in half by taash. im very normal.
i’m just tired man!!!! it feels so obvious how disproportionate it is when you’ve got. a cast of characters that we know almost equally little about. and a few of them explode in popularity and it’s like spongebob sticking his hand out the curtain. literally all a character needs to do numbers is to be a light-skinned man
#like you bring up taash!! we know equally little abt taash and emmrich. why is one FUCKING EVERYWHERE and i’m like. scrounging for scraps#sometimes i feel like there has to be a secret other main dragon age tag that has the real stuff in it#but maybe it’s just the tumblr userbase idfk#i feel like i’ve seen a little bit more of neve since the trailer but still not anything on the level as everyone’s fave boys#and before you hit me with ‘lucanis was in a couple short stories’ harding was in the literal entire last game. and she and neve had comics#there’s obviously something to be said about character types too. a lot of people love dark and broody#vs harding keeps getting described as Girl Next Door and that’s much less popular. fine i’m not going to argue abt individual tastes#but like. neve isn’t popping off??? on the columbo fansite????#everyone’s talking about emmrich’s experiments and research but no one talks about bellara’s??#like personally. ok. lesbian opinion so take that for what it’s worth. but i don’t understand all the lucanis thirst#davrin i could understand. davrin can get it. he gets way fewer thirstposts than the other men (hmmm interesting im sure it’s nothing 🙃)#i’m just like. tired. i don’t want to say people can’t enjoy what they’re excited about#but it adds up!#i feel guilty complaining when i am also not doing a lot of Female Character Poasting but like#there’s only so much i can do as someone who can’t draw and has been too busy to keep on top of all the breaking news
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stultifera navis rerun AKA thinking about Iberia hours again because a lot of the Iberians have such fascinating relationships with the concept of home but specifically Thorns and Lumen are eating at my brain. like where do you call home when the place that is your home Just Fucking Hates You? Elysium's rewinding breeze specifically makes a point to hammers home how differently Iberia treats its Liberi and its Aegir
(which is especially interesting since this comes right after a conversation where Purestream commented on how despite Leizi being a high ranking government official, there are still some experiences that are universal for all Yanese people - because the experience of what Iberia itself is like isnt universal for all Iberians)
But all that being said, Thorns also straight up states that Aegir is not his home, and yeah, how could it be? How could a place you've never been to, never truly known, ever be your home? How could it ever feel like a home?
so where do you go when the place that you are from hates your people and the place your people are from is completely unfamiliar and alien to you? Thorns' answer at the end of the conversation with Aya is: my home is where i chose it to be. my home is where there are people I care about and people who care about me
in the complete opposite direction, Lumen's oprec asks: why do you still stay in a place that wants you gone? because the people of Gran Faro like Jordi well enough but when push comes to shove, they will want the only Aegir in town gone
and yet, when Rald the messenger offers him a chance to leave Jordi turns him down and when he's forced to escape Gran Faro after the people there literally try to send him to his death (or worse) at the hands of the Inquisitors he keeps trying to go back because like everyone in stultifera navis, Jordi is clinging to his own dreams of a golden age
but the shape of that dream is unique to every character and for Jordi, his dreams are deeply, inseparably bound to the Eye of Iberia, the legacy his parents left behind
and it's this dream of becoming someone great, of bringing about that golden age that his parents devoted their lives to help create that ties Jordi to this nothing town because despite everything, despite the mistrust of the townsfolk and the hostility of the Inquisition and the danger from the ocean, he simply cannot leave it behind
(or, because i personally dislike the official translation,)
"I just see this place as my home"
so yeah. not sure what overall point i was trying to make here i'm just. deeply in love with these stories about chosing what is and isn't your home, of saying you will not call a place your home because it has given you no reason to or saying you consider a place your home even though it has given you every reason not to. deeply unwell about them <3
#arknights#asto speaks#not much of an essay writer i just keep thinking about them and i need to force other people to think about them too#thorns story fucks me up bc like. this whole almost found family adjacent idea of like#maybe home isnt something decided by your birth but something you can chose based on what truly matters to you#it just gets to me. i guess.#jordi gets to me in a completely different direction there's nothing personal about it i just find his story *fascinating*#just a guy. a completely normal guy. an absolute nobody caught up in these dreams of greatness while also fully aware of his own normalcy#but never letting either of those overshadow the other. never losing that self awareness or that fuckin obsessive determination#god. what a Character#i love jordi so much like genuinely#i joke a lot about him being just a Guy but thats also kinda like the best thing about him#the fact that he is the way that he is and does all the things he does despite being just a Guy#gently holds#for context i was so hyped about new iberia lore when sn was announced i read the whole thing as soon as it dropped on cn server#cuz someone uploaded all the story sections to bilibili right after it came out#and '我只是把这里当作自己的故乡啊' fucking hit me SO HARD#in like the greater context of elysium demanding to know why hes risking his life in like 5 different ways to return to gran faro#because yeah jordi just doesnt want to leave his home but like we the audience knows the full *weight* of what that home means to him#and the weight of the dreams that made him chose to see Gran Faro as his home and to refuse to let go of that#thats why i like the original a lot more than the translation i think like it really emphasises that active *choice*.#this is the place jordi has *decided* to see as his home and he knows what that means and what it means to him#side note the part on thorns might not actually age well depending on whether hg decides to ever release more aulus lore#i mean i'll gladly take the L if it means more aulus and/or thorns lore like#i just wanna know what (if anything) is tying him to iberia yknow#ak#iberiaposting
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finished mob psycho 100. I am fundamentally changed as a person at my core. There are tears in my eyes. I am sobbing. I have never been this emotional as a result of a piece of media before. good fucking god
#I’m not. like. crying but I’m VERY close to it#this is because I cannot cry very often#I swear to GOD I have never seen something that has made me feel so many things at once#I am in fucking shambles#my heart#shaking#going insane#everything hit way too hard way too close#oh god#fuck#I am so so so destroyed#I didn’t know this was going to be so emotional#I think it is now one of my all time favourite anime#it’s up there#mob psycho 100#mp100
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I started The Summer Hikaru Died and I think it's going to break me. It's not helping that I've been listening to the Silent Hill ost while reading
#ITS SO GOOD...... ITS SO GOOD AND IT HURTS AND IT GIVE ME THE CREEPS AND MAKES ME HAPPY AND SAD AND OUHHGGH.....#the art has fucking incredible detail and paceing as well one cannot overstate how Good it is#im only 11 chapters in so far but oh my goshhh. my gosh. its going to break me i can feel it#also im reading it in a weird point in my life rn where its hitting home way too hard. Im gonna end up on the news dude#the summer hikaru died#rambles
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#(re)watching an old art lecture i had on my laptop for years and realizing the prof is *kind of* a major gilf to dawning horror lol#like enough after writing notes from this lecture i am absolutely going to be Studying His Face for entirely different Art Reasons#not me checking out the poor dude while also trying to comprehend golden nuggets of art advice the struggle#i swear to god that gunter TOASTED my fucking brain cells nine ways to hell#also yrmr's 'corrin thirsting over professor gunter' scenes are hitting a LITTLE too hard lmao. lol even.#'krad how many kinks did gunter give you now-' SHUTTTTT
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#absolutely do not want to argue because i get where the post is coming from with but im gonna give some thots#re: dennis autism!!!! ok!!!!!#ive talked about it before but there is WAY more to him being autistic than just the buzzer noises. when i first watched that i was like#is THIS really why people hc him as autistic. :/ and i get it! i do! i think he has misophonia inherited from glenn personally#its actually why i captioned the noise sensitive den gifsets as that rather than just. autism.#but personally i see his scripted social interactions and i go. yeah. me. me fuckin too.#and his outbursts. which are VERY personally relatable to me#i have uh. basically the same triggers? very similar triggers at least#i think dennis' neurodivergency presents itself differently because of his upbringing and thats why a lot of ppl go ???? when you say.#'yea i think den's autistic actually'#and like i said i was absolutely like. what the hell are people talking about. he's not autistic#but uh. on rewatches? hm.#dennis quite literally masks almost 24/7#charlie has no qualms about being perceived as like. weird. but dennis masks SO hard. SSSSSSOOOOO hard#i once saw a post like. charlie has boy autism and dennis has girl autism which honestly fucking hate that but its... kiiiind of true#ASD presents itself differently in adults depending on early social conditioning#mac fights gay marriage. group dates. new wheels. dee day. celebrity booze. all the big ones. all the hits.#look how he acts when he goes off script and is forced to speak off the cuff#the way glenn describes him as being very emotional but unable to adequately express his emotions too like. yeah. same.#theres so much more than the noise sensitivity#i could go on and on about how many fucking boxes he ticks but i honestly hate that shit. i know how autism works and that bitch is autisti#im going to refrain from commenting on the reasons why i feel charlie is more acceptably hced as autistic vs dennis because mmmmm but#dennis being 'hypersexual' (not about the sex. at all) and socially adept (has scripts/systems. charlie is more emotionally intelligent)#smells a lil stinky. smells a little bit like infantilization on charlie's part.#ada speaks#ok ill spare you guys. someday ill write a proper meta on this. ive talked about it before but.
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no one should let me write meta. apparently what happens when i join a fandom early enough that not every conceivable post has already been written is i go a little deranged with it. half written blorbo essays everywhere. my blog drafts are a fucking warzone right now
#dunmeshi#dungeon meshi#aphelion.txt#struggling to sift the salient points from the debris of brainrot#if i stare at it long enough my brain convinces me all of it is cringe#i'll get 2/3 of the way through a post and then a side point#Gets too long and i have to split it into its own post#no idea how many of these are going to make it actually out of drafts#my life rn is like.#*takes break from making dunmeshi edit to write dunmeshi fic*#*takes break from writing dunmeshi fic to write dunmeshi meta*#been awhile since a new fandom hit me that fucking hard#like i'm enjoying myself but jesus christ
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#no one’s gonna pick date but god that’d be a funny option#he’d be supportive but also would be so caught off guard and so uneducated on the topic he’d say just. the stupidest shit#and you KNOW kiryu would just say it out of the fucking blue. date would probably drop a glass or something behind the counter. whiplash#anyway honestly it’s always been hard for me to pick between haruka and daigo- haruka obviously is the number one most important person to#him and if he’s gonna be that vulnerable with anyone it’s most likely gonna be her#HOWEVER. if he (miraculously) picked up on daigo never having an interest in women and having at least one close male companion that was a#liiiiitttttle too close to be Just a companion#then daigo has an advantage because. i mean. it’d guarantee the person he’d admitting this too wouldn’t judge him for it#and would have- amusingly enough- more experience in the area than kiryu himself thus the possibility for advice/reassurance#which is such an interesting conceptual conversation that I started writing it. maybe one day I’ll finish it……….#I think the only way he’d come out ti majima first would be completely on accident / incidentally#like. getting drunk with him and laughing about whatever havin a good time and after a waitress or whoever hits on kiryu majima says like#‘you know- I’ve known you for like 30 years and I don’t think I’ve ever seen you return the favor when a gal flirts with ya- so what kinda#gals ARE you into–‘ ‘I don’t think I’ve ever really been into any women. ………. ah.’#anyway that’s just one thought#anyway have fun with this#kiryu#kazuma kiryu#yakuza#rambling#polls
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my amrev mooties watching me mass reblog the outsiders stuff and probably being extremely confused or something
#im hoping you guys read the outsiders in school#ive actually read the outsiders twice in school ?#urgg my outsiders phase in like 7th grade comin back around#two very conflicting fandoms might i add#but also im not very invested in the fandom#i just think dallas is cool#shameless dally apologist#i KNOW he was a shitty person throughout the book and whatnot#and he was probably a horrible influence#but he hit. kinda close to home#that mutually obsessive relationship w/ johnny ohmmygod#its just :(#ME TOO!!#trying to kys over your fp is extremely real and unfortunately i completely get it#and his IMPULSIVENESS#AND HIS PUSHING AWAY OF EVERY EMOTION AND BASICALLY BEING A TICKING TIME BOMB AUGH#i will SHAMELESSLY say that dally is my favorite#i like johnny and pony and two bit and soda and whatnot#but dally just hits WAY too hard#imcrying over his entire dynamic with johnny actually#because i GET IT#i udnerstand it way too hard:(#mutual obsession and then fucking destroying each other in the process is VERY REAL#AND I HATE IT#BECAUSE I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND IT!!!#ive said id kms if my fp died way too many times and i 100% meant it#COUGH because girly tried COUGH#okay im just lore dumping in yhe tags#moral og the story is doli is insane and relates way too hard to dally to be normal#dolirants
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the entire essay I could write about the background vocals in terrible man. you don't understand
#onlyoneof#why do you think that first beat drop at the first chorus hits so hard. dude#that's the only spot in the song that I can find where the background vocals completely disappear#also the chorus is the only part of the song where the beat is completely clear and not muddy#there are 2 other spots in the verses that has a bit of the chorus beat too but it's not *as* clear as in the chorus#god when that motto motto tsunaide mou uso demo ii kara furetete HITS. it hits#this song is so insanely good and for no fucking reason I could write an essay about it. maybe I should#the intro has that . instrument that I can't name in it and then the verse has that too but with the beat from the chorus#and then the prechorus is all wahhhwoohohhf floaty. it's floaty airy breathy no clear beat#AND THEN THE. CHORUS HITS and man. uifkvfjvnfjjvjfjvbvfj yeah#also the way rie sings mimi kara karada kills me every time. unrelated to the discussion around instrumentals but#THE BACKGROUND VOCALS IN THE 2ND CHORUS BTW#the woaaahhh that continues into wooohooohh in the chorus...#the ohoohhh ohooooh#dude? listen to hidoi otoko by onlyoneof. that's what I'm saying here#really listen#put it on repeat all day and notice every little instrumental and background vocal detail in it. maybe then you'll be normal#cuz I sure am. so normal and regular about this song#GOD it's so good#sorry if you don't get it. I'm right#the only crime this song commits is being too short#the ohh woahh in the first prechorus. that part is different in the korean version of the song and that one little part is why I prefer the#japanese version of the song. literally just one woahh background vocal is what makes me heavily favor this version. lol#me when I'm so normal about my favorite background vocal parts of a song. is that even a thing it is now. it is to me
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writing fluff is so hard esp for a character you haven’t written for before + other characters in the fic 😭
#satoru i’m abt to get real acquainted w you in this fic#so far it just all sounds v corny and not at all like how satoru sounds so i need to rework everything#also it’s so hard to segue into another part of the fic or just another paragraph for me so i need to practice FLOW#and NOT make it choppy/clunky#and i also have to find voices for tsumiki & megumi 😭 miki’s is pretty easy she’s sweet & playfully teasing#wanna make megs adorable yet slightly grumpy bc i know he’s mature but i still want a childish vibe for him hmmmm#i’m actually… SURPRISNGLY. having a LOT of trouble w the ‘reader’ themselves#i just can’t seem to find their dynamic w each character yet… hmmmmmm#y’know what i may have to do… keep the beginning part but scrap everything else and start fresh#sighhhhhhhh.#i’m willing to do that though bc this story so far isn’t hitting the way i want it to#and i love the Premise of the fic a lot and want to do it TOTAL justice#like it’s serious business to me 😭 i don’t play around when it comes to this omfg like i HAVE FUN but i want it to be decently written too#gonna need to insert more personality to each character + their DIALOGUE TOO omg dialogue is so fucking hard & speech tags are so blegh#i actually might dream on it tonight and imagine how it would realistically play out in my head and then go back to fic writing#yeah i’ll do that it’s 9:30 pm rn basically so i’ll just dream on it 😭#personal
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been playing bits and pieces of horizon forbidden west! game's pretty as hell
#horizon forbidden west#photo mode#my edits#yannow. it got me thinking too. the npc fidelity in this game is off the fucking shits. never seen anything like it#even secondary dialogues are leaving all the competition in the dust. it's an insane level of work#major burnout red flags for sure. but also maybe talking about engines as specialized tools instead of ubiquitous ones isn;t so bad?#i mean there's definitely trends. ramming down RPGs down frostbite's throat has never worked well#while decima is tearing up the open worlds and tech fidelity quotas like nbd even on prev gen#is it really about implementation at this point#maybe some engines just. work best for certain types of hard goals. and choosing that right is what matters#i pkayed this after ragnarok and that game looks embarassing next to hfw. and I'm not even saying it flippantly. I stand by what i've said#shorter games less scope lower fidelity etc. for healthier dev teams. but this can be a scalability tell tale? maybe using something#like decima can mean an easier time for a standard EA dev cycle *without* hitting these insane fidelity goals. just thinking out loud#cause forever salty about frostbite. probably wrong but hey! I am on a blogging website famous for its phobia of deeper contexts#or maybe playing as aloy gave me that stupid self confidence juice#the way she bulldozes into delicate foreign policies with nothing but her ego and hutzpah really proves that whiteness is alive and well#in whatever variant of post-post-apocalypse this story is set into. they better interrogate her issues cause otherwise this plot will like#fizzle out under the weight of her self-righteousness lmao
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