#fuck. that hit me way too hard
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call me a stereotypical annoying teenage girl all you want but titanic (1997) had me absolutely transfixed when I first watched it
#shockingly enough I didn't cry when jack died but I DID tear up at the scene#of the mother in third class telling her children a bedtime story one last time so they can sleep peacefully instead of being afraid#god. and the orchestra??? it's been a pleasure playing with you tonight gentlemen or whatever the line was#fuck. that hit me way too hard#also the set and costume design are BRILLIANT and cathy bates as molly brown SERVED#tbh if I was having a love affair with young twinky leo dicaprio and he died in front of me it'd take WAY more than 84 years#for me to get over it#I'll quit yapping now
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im on my hadestown bullshit again but im also still on my SVSSS bullshit too so au where Shen Yuan gets transmigrated into a nameless NPC sometime after Bingge merges the realms and becomes the demonic emperor over like, basically everyone. And Shen Yuan manages to become an immortal cultivator and has a few years to himself to explore the world he's in, conveniently avoiding Bingge the whole time. Until eventually Shen Yuan joins what is essentially a traveling theater group.
They all love the strange stories he tells, ones he claimed he learned from far away places, and eventually ask him to write one as a play so that they can share it with the world. He does one better and writes a musical and slightly xianxia-izes Hadestown so it fits with the times better.
Eventually they learn everything, the music is st up, their lines learned, and the group rents out some kind of low-class stage for a night in a town that's neither too big nor too small. One that Bingge is conveniently passing through.
The actor for Orpheus falls 'sick' the opening night, and Shen Yuan gets convinced into taking the role by his. He has the prettiest voice, and he knows Orpheus' lines and character the best! Shen Yuan agrees.
Bingge attends that night too, and sits in the far back, in a seat where nobody can see him that well.
There is nothing to prepare him for the Tale of Orpheus and Eurydice.
Not the actor, who looks distressingly, uncannily similar to Shen Qingqiu, from the sharp curve of his jaw to the sound of his voice. It's Shen Yuan's saving grace that he has just enough differences that Bingge doesn't fly to his feet immediately.
Not the character Orpheus either. Who shares a distressingly similar worldview to the one Bingge once had a long, long time ago. A young man, a boy really, with so much hope for the world around him to near the point of naivety. Who believes that there is still good in the world and the people around him.
There's nothing to prepare him for Epic III. A song the lone Orpheus sings to convince Hades to let him and Eurydice go, one that rends Bingge of his flesh and leaves him feeling raw and wanting.
Suddenly he's no longer watching the stage; he's on it, standing in Hades' place, jaded and bitter and cold and reigning over all. Having become cruel like Shen Qingqiu once was. He stands in Hades' place, tall and imposing and powerful.
And there is a shadow of the past sitting at his feet. A boy in love with the world looking up at him, stripping him down to his soul, and asking him where he's been. Bingge stands in Hades' place, and just like that, becomes a man again.
#svsss#scum villain#luo bingge#luo binghe#svsss au#shen yuan#bingyuan#bingyuan au#tldr: epic iii from hadestown would fucking SCALP bingge i swear and i stand by this decision#bingge in the crowd on the verge of a qi deviation:#shen yuan singing his heart out on stage: thank GOD i never have to do this again#the orpheus actor wasnt actually sick it was a plot to get their Shen Yuan on stage because they wanted to listen to him sing#he has such a lovely voice even when he denies it and he's capable of such soulful expressions when he thinks he has a role to play.#ignore me i will project any and all creative arts headcanons onto my blorbos if i can. shen yuan is my newest target.#there was not a SINGLE dry eye after SY stopped singing. the room was fucking swallowed in a suffocating silence. like five seconds passed#before the next song kicked up because everyone -- even the actors -- needed a moment to recollect themselves and bask in the echoes#of shen yuan's voice. everyone was holding their breath. as if the world had suddenly stopped to listen to him sing#anyways yeah this was all a longwinded way to say: i think epic iii would gut bingge specifically like a fish#bingmei would relate with orpheus quite a bit too and the song would hit him hard#but bingge specifically is getting snatched by his fucking ponytail and dragged by this song methinks#neither binghes are getting out of this musical unscathed but bingge is arguably in the worser shape.
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funfact I’m extremely susceptible to timetravel shenanigans. aus save me
#I made the mistake of reading how to fix a temporal mistake#and due to my history with the ninja turtles I immediately remembered that I wanted to do something similar#now I have emmet 18 years in the past. I don’t like him. I’m gonna hit him with sticks. emmet you are a prey animal#spenxer lou art#lou is an artist#submas#submas emmet#submas ingo#subway boss emmet#subway boss ingo#subway bosses#subway master emmet#subway master ingo#I mean I guess technically Ingo isn’t a subway boss in these yet. but who care. he will be#btw if you don’t want to do math. Ingo is 19#Emmet is 37#my hcs have Ingo missing for 8 years#Ingo and Emmie have been working at gear station since they were 18#also don’t look at ingo’s legs too hard on that first panel thing. authors thinly veiled hatred for drawing legs#BTW. AS ALWAYS. IF I FUCKED UP THE ALT IN ANY WAY PLEASE TELL ME. I WANT TO KNOW
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Fics I Enjoyed in January - DC Comics Fic Rec List Part 2
I am still neck-deep in DC fandom this month and the fics have been so so good. Unlike last time, I am too tired to write mini summaries/reviews, so I'm going to feature my favorite quote from each fic instead.
My first DC Comics fic rec list is here!
Floor Plans by @oh-mother-of-darkness (Teen & Up, 1k, 2016) “I really didn’t want to die,” he finished. “I was kind of hoping if I laid here long enough, I would remember what that felt like.”
Losing two brothers in six months takes an emotional toll.
almost right by @bitimdrake (Teen & Up, 3k, 2020) He desperately wishes that he didn’t know what Dick’s cheekbone feels like under a gauntleted fist.
Bruce sucks in a breath, hand raising to fix the cowl. Dick flinches back.
but more with love by @danishsweethearts (Teen & Up, 3k, 2022) Dick wakes up one morning, groggy from a dream that he thinks might’ve been about the circus and also about his favourite car and also about how lonely he is, and realizes that he can’t remember what his mother’s voice sounds like anymore.
O Robin, Robin, wherefore art thou Robin?
The Mechanics of a Hug by @sohotthateveryonedied (General Audiences, 4k, 2017) “You know… that crushing sense of depression? Like,” Dick chews his lip. “It’s. A physical weight. Makes it hard to breathe?” “Yeah,” Tim says, soft. He smiles, wryly. “I sort of hoped you didn’t, though.”
“So,” Tim ventures. “It's… what, a cuddle pollen?” Bruce just shrugs. “Something like that.”
No Pain, All Gain by @sohotthateveryonedied (General Audiences, 1k, 2020) Tim’s eyes go even wider. “You stole my organs?” “Technically,” Jason chimes in, “the doctors stole your organs. We just gave them permission.”
Bruce checks Tim’s IV. “Are you in any pain? Do you need more morphine?” Tim’s pupils are so wide that only the faintest ring of blue can be seen. He watches Bruce the way a five-year-old watches cartoons. “I’m all good, B-dog. All Gucci, like we cool teens say." His words are slurred almost beyond recognition, but Tim doesn’t seem to notice or care. "I could fight Superman right now.”
The Wind Sits in the Shoulder of Your Sail by @birdchildsnest (Teen & Up, 7k, 2020) “Oh my god. Bruce. I can’t even tell if you’re serious. When everybody finally eats the rich—they’re going to eat you first.”
At least, back then, Tim had barely been a teenager. He could almost forgive his own volatility. And he’d been smart enough (scared enough?) not to tell Jack that he didn’t need him. What was his excuse now? Bruce was his dad (at least, in the legal sense), but (surprise, surprise) it turned out that Tim wasn’t any better at being a son. Or Tim and Bruce still have some things to sort through after the adoption.
I Left My Conscience On Your Front Doorstep by @dustorange (Teen & Up, 21k, 2022) He doesn’t want to be loved if being loved is like this.
"I think I'm leaving," Dick whispers. "I think I'm not coming back."
bad boys bad boys (whatcha gonna do) ♫ by @drakefeathers (Teen & Up, 20k, 2014) "They live their lives thinking they can charge through the city with the right to hurt and kill and destroy as many lives as they want. And they do it all without a shred of remorse." “But—” Damian begins, brow furrowed in confusion. “Isn’t that like you?”
a Jason and Damian as Batman and Robin AU!! featuring a bunch of graffiti, a rival dynamic duo, and Cat Jason (a cat named Jason).
The Biggest Mistake by @oh-mother-of-darkness (General Audiences, 1k, 2016) “I could ground him anyway, if it would make you feel better.” “He only said it because I called him ‘a garbage can so ineffective it actually became garbage.’”
"You know what really needs to be addressed? Bruce's truly terrible treatment of Damian." -Me, on a daily basis
been a number and a name by @wynterstars (Teen & Up, 35k, 2023) “Turns out if you just say ‘spacetime’ until people’s eyes glaze over they don’t really question anything you say. Also, somehow nobody expects me to be able to actually do enough math to explain it.”
On a field trip, Robin has a close encounter with the newest super in Metropolis, only to discover the hard way that Superboy secretly works for Lex Luthor. They agree to work together on a plan to free Superboy from Luthor’s hold, but Robin isn’t sure how far he can trust him—and his developing feelings only make things more complicated.
clean it like you mean it by @wynterstars (Teen & Up, 70k, 2024) "Wait, ugh, you're not my dead dad, right? If I'm getting a dying vision of my dead dad I want a do-over because he suuuuucked."
When Gotham's crooks have to scrub down their lairs, who do they call? Jason Todd, Gotham's first and only underworld crime scene cleaning specialist. He's spent his life dodging the Bat, but after a chance encounter he saves Robin's life. Tim Drake finds himself drawn to the conflicted rogue, and soon Jason becomes Robin's street informant. But they can only stay on opposite sides of the law for so long before something breaks.
3:16 by @wufflesvetinari (Teen & Up, 70k (WIP), 2023) “Try to decouple one thing from the other. I’m proud of you, but ice cream isn’t my grand statement about whether you’ve been good or bad today. Good things are good. Happiness is precious. Sometimes you just want caramel chocolate chip.”
The knife pushes thin along Dick’s carotid artery, cupping the indent between neck and jawline—forcing him to angle his chin. The metal is warm, pulled with execution speed from under Damian’s pillow. “Okay,” Dick says quietly, tracking the intricacies of his own heartbeat—counting the space between breaths. “Guess I did need a shave.” (With faltering steps, Dick and Damian become Batman and Robin.)
wolf-king of rome by @mysterycitrus (Not Rated, 25k, 2024) “You go after Joker, but you don’t kill him, because it’s not about the Joker dying, it’s about Bruce breaking his code for you. It’s about Bruce loving you enough to change himself for the worse. It’s about your idea of grieving.”
Jason doesn’t fear Dick Grayson. Fear itself has changed shape for him, since his return from the Pit - it tastes of dirt in his mouth, of drowning, of fire and blood and laughter, more than a tangible face. Still, he’d be stupid not to be cautious. Dick liked playing on an uneven field, and would do anything to keep him off balance, so he just had to stay focused. That’s the nature of the armistice, both waiting for the other to make a move. It’s like balancing on the head of a pin.
Declensions by @dustorange (Teen & Up, 13k, 2018) “Do not tell them your name. Do as I did to survive. I lied. I have always lied. Make one up. Do not let them have you. Say your name is…is…is…Richard Grayson. Or something. They are going to steal you; do not give them anything to steal.”
“My father,” Dick says, “worked the rope. It cut him. His hands were never clean.”
Passiontide by @bigdvmnhero (Teen & Up, 5k, 2025) Despite its faults, the day had tried to be good. He felt young, like someone's son.
On the 96th day Bruce didn't call, Dick remembered their old game. Three things he knew: 1) In three months, it would be Dick's death anniversary; 2) Bruce was still missing his check-ins; 3) Here Dick was, persisting. Imagine the things I'd survive, Dick thought distantly, if I loved Bruce less. Or: Agent 37 and his various crises of faith, on Day 277 at Spyral, Day 150, and Day -0.
the time you won your town the race by @silverwhittlingknife (Teen & Up, 4k (WIP), 2022) Tim. Tim is Dick’s. Death sharpens, clarifies these things. Who will receive the body, decide on the funeral, receive condolences, make all the decisions that matter. No one has questioned it, not even Tim’s friends. There’s a terrible clarity about death. If Dick said, let’s burn everything he owned, Alfred would do it.
He doesn’t know exactly what Tim would say. But he knows what Tim would do. Tim dies. Dick doesn’t take death for an answer. A Red Robin 12 AU.
door, opening by @cowboysorceror (Mature, 70k (WIP), 2024) Dick, with the keys to every locked door Jason has ever tried to open, tucked inside the cradle of his skull; all of that, snuffed out like a candle.
It’s barely audible, but he knows what he heard. A short, four-note whistle, chirping down – E, C#, then jumping up to A, F#, a little trill on the finish. He waits a moment, head turned slightly towards the dim shapes of storage containers between him and the ramp, eyes straining against the blackness. Long, stretching seconds. There it is again. His gloved hand, prickling with cold, closes into a fist. It’s a wood thrush. A small North American songbird that doesn’t sing at night, doesn’t live in the city. He knows what it means. It means hold, steady, not yet. It means wait for me, I’m behind you.
#fic recs#fanfiction#dc comics#batfamily#bruce wayne#dick grayson#jason todd#tim drake#damian wayne#cassandra cain#stephanie brown#kon el#timkon#god i read so many emotionally devastating fics this month my whole soul is a shattered wreck#Floor Plans is my favorite by that author read it back in high school and never forgot will always be haunted by the Tim on the floor fic#almost right hit WAY too close to home uhhhhh maybe i should acquire a therapist#but more with love is 100% how I'd want Dick telling his family about the origins of Robin to go down in canon#(and is also a fic about Bruce fucking up but his relationship with Dick still being repairable which i. desperately needed this month#after reading many MANY other fics where It Will Never Be Okay Between Them (And That's The Point))#I Left My Conscience On Your Front Doorstep aka yet another fic that has made me be like hmmmm maybe i need therapy for my father issues#been a number and a name aka delightful 90s references AND Kon's origin being the Death of Superman animated movies#(my FAV version of his origin ever) AND Tim crossdressing??? rlly what more could u ask for in a Timkon fic chefs kiss#wolf-king of rome literally had me writing an essay to multiple friends explaining how galaxy brained this fic is#the themes of that whole fic series (the body is a haunted house) are once again therapy inducing im rotating them in my mind#Declensions is just straight up literature they just weren't writing Dick fic like this when i was in high school i feel blessed#the time you won your town the race was the only silverwhittlingknife fic I hadn't read yet and oh my god the SCREAMS i SCRAMPT#it was so so hard to pick a favorite quote from door opening that fic has got some spectacular prose#some other quotes I strongly considered for that fic:#“Jason worries sometimes that there’s a piece of him that will be fifteen forever calcified like a little black pearl”#“Gotham is a shade a moon-pale queen withered by the grief of the centuries the crypt of the empire”
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currently thinking of how abusive some hockey coaches are and how players are supposed to act like that sort of stuff is normal
#tw abuse#hockey#hockey culture#the ken klee situation in particular is what has me thinking about it#it has me think of babcock who is already known to be a horrid piece of shit#i think of katey stone who emotionally abused her players in harvard#i think of daryl sutter who went as far as to hit a player#i think of donnie harkins - pkane's honeybaked coach who constantly broke kaner's gear and yelled at him and made him cry#...kane was 14 at the time by the fucking way#john tortorella is also a pretty questionable coach at times too#and yet the players (and fans) are supposed to treat this as “normal”#and im tired of the media also glorifying it too#and im tired of it being shrugged off as “being hard on players”#call it what it actually is: abuse#its not normal. it does nothing except fuck up the players mentally#and in kane's case im genuinely convinced harkins' treatment of him had a pretty ugly mental impact on him#which would probably explain why he kept getting into so much off-ice trouble when he was in his 20s#(but im not a psychologist so...)#sports and abuse
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Separate cotl opinion/headcanon
The fight with Nari was not close. The Lamb kicked his ass.
thats all thanks for coming
#azure’s bullshit#cult of the lamb#cotl#cotl narinder#cotl lamb#cotl lambert#look it might just be because i only got hit once when i fought him and it was cause of a lag spike but still#fuckers been tied up for how long?? girl homie’s joints are snap crackling and popping#its giving muscle atrophy~#the lamb took out like four gods yall they aint weaker than him lol#like his dialogue doesn’t even change after you die and try again the lamb cannonically first tries him#also bro rly said for my second phase ill become a stationary target#say less he’s cooked#this is my pathetic Narinder propaganda#ill die on this hill the lamb beat his ass#literally the only thing that gave me any trouble was the fact that i couldn’t use the glass canon fleece kill him as fast as I wanted to#i simply do not get hit#he landed one blow on me and it was literally because my computer was doing too many particle effects and chugged#like the lamb is in the room#the lamb#the lamb knows where their hitbox is its their body they’d only be better#like they can like walk slowly and shit i can only wasd they’d be way better than me#i did try a few times but that’s cause the game gave me the fucking hammer like five times#like brother im playing on hard you don’t one shot shit#as in i loaded in#saw that bitchass hammer#and quit#eyo fuck the hammer#the axe is you but good
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sekai au 👊😔
#my post#hatsune loopku.....#isat#in stars and time#isat siffrin#isat loop#I was SUPPOSED to make a modern au but look. where that got me#prpject sekai.....#hsatsune miku......#woaw.........#I haven't planned this yet. I just wanted to draw loop with Miku's pigtails really badly because I came up with the shape idea and went lik#ogguuguuuuGUG#oh bell yeas#actually well I have a little#small group of college students who met via tutor group (by odile) that turned into a book club and maybe band?#they would all suck playing instruments honestly#I made it a sekai au because I needed loop to go SOMEWHERE and went insane trying to figure something out till I finally went fuck whatever#fine#siffrin made a sekai and loop is there. fine. whatever. fine. yeah. fine#I don't know how the timeloop will come in.#I cant have both a timeloop and a sekai at once.#I would forget the other exists#and focus all on one#or it would be too much at once#also its kind of hard to do a timeloop like the one in-game in a modern way?#there's no good rocks to be crushed by that aren't like a collapsing building anyway#OH OH also this might be the last project sekai related art you see for a WHILE#this game hit my brain worse than project sekai I'm so serious#I've burned through almost all of my sketchbook and there are three(3) drawings that aren't siffrin#THREE.
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no youre completely right - im a gay (trans)man and i legit wanna see so much more about the women bc There Is So Little. I wanna make a lesbian oc who gets bent in half by taash. im very normal.
i’m just tired man!!!! it feels so obvious how disproportionate it is when you’ve got. a cast of characters that we know almost equally little about. and a few of them explode in popularity and it’s like spongebob sticking his hand out the curtain. literally all a character needs to do numbers is to be a light-skinned man
#like you bring up taash!! we know equally little abt taash and emmrich. why is one FUCKING EVERYWHERE and i’m like. scrounging for scraps#sometimes i feel like there has to be a secret other main dragon age tag that has the real stuff in it#but maybe it’s just the tumblr userbase idfk#i feel like i’ve seen a little bit more of neve since the trailer but still not anything on the level as everyone’s fave boys#and before you hit me with ‘lucanis was in a couple short stories’ harding was in the literal entire last game. and she and neve had comics#there’s obviously something to be said about character types too. a lot of people love dark and broody#vs harding keeps getting described as Girl Next Door and that’s much less popular. fine i’m not going to argue abt individual tastes#but like. neve isn’t popping off??? on the columbo fansite????#everyone’s talking about emmrich’s experiments and research but no one talks about bellara’s??#like personally. ok. lesbian opinion so take that for what it’s worth. but i don’t understand all the lucanis thirst#davrin i could understand. davrin can get it. he gets way fewer thirstposts than the other men (hmmm interesting im sure it’s nothing 🙃)#i’m just like. tired. i don’t want to say people can’t enjoy what they’re excited about#but it adds up!#i feel guilty complaining when i am also not doing a lot of Female Character Poasting but like#there’s only so much i can do as someone who can’t draw and has been too busy to keep on top of all the breaking news
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stultifera navis rerun AKA thinking about Iberia hours again because a lot of the Iberians have such fascinating relationships with the concept of home but specifically Thorns and Lumen are eating at my brain. like where do you call home when the place that is your home Just Fucking Hates You? Elysium's rewinding breeze specifically makes a point to hammers home how differently Iberia treats its Liberi and its Aegir
(which is especially interesting since this comes right after a conversation where Purestream commented on how despite Leizi being a high ranking government official, there are still some experiences that are universal for all Yanese people - because the experience of what Iberia itself is like isnt universal for all Iberians)
But all that being said, Thorns also straight up states that Aegir is not his home, and yeah, how could it be? How could a place you've never been to, never truly known, ever be your home? How could it ever feel like a home?
so where do you go when the place that you are from hates your people and the place your people are from is completely unfamiliar and alien to you? Thorns' answer at the end of the conversation with Aya is: my home is where i chose it to be. my home is where there are people I care about and people who care about me
in the complete opposite direction, Lumen's oprec asks: why do you still stay in a place that wants you gone? because the people of Gran Faro like Jordi well enough but when push comes to shove, they will want the only Aegir in town gone
and yet, when Rald the messenger offers him a chance to leave Jordi turns him down and when he's forced to escape Gran Faro after the people there literally try to send him to his death (or worse) at the hands of the Inquisitors he keeps trying to go back because like everyone in stultifera navis, Jordi is clinging to his own dreams of a golden age
but the shape of that dream is unique to every character and for Jordi, his dreams are deeply, inseparably bound to the Eye of Iberia, the legacy his parents left behind
and it's this dream of becoming someone great, of bringing about that golden age that his parents devoted their lives to help create that ties Jordi to this nothing town because despite everything, despite the mistrust of the townsfolk and the hostility of the Inquisition and the danger from the ocean, he simply cannot leave it behind
(or, because i personally dislike the official translation,)
"I just see this place as my home"
so yeah. not sure what overall point i was trying to make here i'm just. deeply in love with these stories about chosing what is and isn't your home, of saying you will not call a place your home because it has given you no reason to or saying you consider a place your home even though it has given you every reason not to. deeply unwell about them <3
#arknights#asto speaks#not much of an essay writer i just keep thinking about them and i need to force other people to think about them too#thorns story fucks me up bc like. this whole almost found family adjacent idea of like#maybe home isnt something decided by your birth but something you can chose based on what truly matters to you#it just gets to me. i guess.#jordi gets to me in a completely different direction there's nothing personal about it i just find his story *fascinating*#just a guy. a completely normal guy. an absolute nobody caught up in these dreams of greatness while also fully aware of his own normalcy#but never letting either of those overshadow the other. never losing that self awareness or that fuckin obsessive determination#god. what a Character#i love jordi so much like genuinely#i joke a lot about him being just a Guy but thats also kinda like the best thing about him#the fact that he is the way that he is and does all the things he does despite being just a Guy#gently holds#for context i was so hyped about new iberia lore when sn was announced i read the whole thing as soon as it dropped on cn server#cuz someone uploaded all the story sections to bilibili right after it came out#and '我只是把这里当作自己的故乡啊' fucking hit me SO HARD#in like the greater context of elysium demanding to know why hes risking his life in like 5 different ways to return to gran faro#because yeah jordi just doesnt want to leave his home but like we the audience knows the full *weight* of what that home means to him#and the weight of the dreams that made him chose to see Gran Faro as his home and to refuse to let go of that#thats why i like the original a lot more than the translation i think like it really emphasises that active *choice*.#this is the place jordi has *decided* to see as his home and he knows what that means and what it means to him#side note the part on thorns might not actually age well depending on whether hg decides to ever release more aulus lore#i mean i'll gladly take the L if it means more aulus and/or thorns lore like#i just wanna know what (if anything) is tying him to iberia yknow#ak#iberiaposting
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finished mob psycho 100. I am fundamentally changed as a person at my core. There are tears in my eyes. I am sobbing. I have never been this emotional as a result of a piece of media before. good fucking god
#I’m not. like. crying but I’m VERY close to it#this is because I cannot cry very often#I swear to GOD I have never seen something that has made me feel so many things at once#I am in fucking shambles#my heart#shaking#going insane#everything hit way too hard way too close#oh god#fuck#I am so so so destroyed#I didn’t know this was going to be so emotional#I think it is now one of my all time favourite anime#it’s up there#mob psycho 100#mp100
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OH I AM INCONSOLABLE. DEVASTATED.
#vi rambling#skip and loafer#i honestly cant even properly articulate myself right now im just. i feel for him so terribly.#the depiction of his relationship with his mom well. it got to me. badly. terribly.#standing in front of that door as a child i literally couldnt think of anything but denji and the csm door.#and how he literally had all of this thrust on him and the fact that it was taken away from him by the very source of all this stress#without her knowledge. which just excabrated it And i just. no wonder he doesnt have any sense of self esteem or self perception#of course he feels like hes acting constantly without recognizing his inherent kindness.#hes literally been taught nothing he does is good enough unless hes acting. of course hed shield behind that.#he literally kept being criticized and berated for things beyond his control. i just.#I'm so scared for next chapter? i think we'll actually see what happened with that producer and i dont think im resdy in the slightest#just that terrible discreoancy between his thoughts but the fact he cant help but feel terribly for his mom. hes such a good kid but so#terribly conditioned into overcompensating IT HIT ME TOO FUCKING HARD.#well... stellar panels and expressions. literally heartbreaking.#love how kanechika clocked his yearning immediately and started making fun in the most kanechika way possible#the whole frankenstein allegory i literally cant even unpack in tags its just. really so masterfully done.#basically. terribly unwell . chapter of all time i fear#i think what really broke me is seeing him actually break down. fully.#he keeps himself on such a tight leash all the time and repressed his thoughts and feelings constantly#that seeing all the bottled up anguish and burdens and baggage and trauma flood out made me. very unwell.#i hope as the little prompt at the end said... unraveling the past can only take us forward... haha
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I started The Summer Hikaru Died and I think it's going to break me. It's not helping that I've been listening to the Silent Hill ost while reading
#ITS SO GOOD...... ITS SO GOOD AND IT HURTS AND IT GIVE ME THE CREEPS AND MAKES ME HAPPY AND SAD AND OUHHGGH.....#the art has fucking incredible detail and paceing as well one cannot overstate how Good it is#im only 11 chapters in so far but oh my goshhh. my gosh. its going to break me i can feel it#also im reading it in a weird point in my life rn where its hitting home way too hard. Im gonna end up on the news dude#the summer hikaru died#rambles
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#(re)watching an old art lecture i had on my laptop for years and realizing the prof is *kind of* a major gilf to dawning horror lol#like enough after writing notes from this lecture i am absolutely going to be Studying His Face for entirely different Art Reasons#not me checking out the poor dude while also trying to comprehend golden nuggets of art advice the struggle#i swear to god that gunter TOASTED my fucking brain cells nine ways to hell#also yrmr's 'corrin thirsting over professor gunter' scenes are hitting a LITTLE too hard lmao. lol even.#'krad how many kinks did gunter give you now-' SHUTTTTT
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#absolutely do not want to argue because i get where the post is coming from with but im gonna give some thots#re: dennis autism!!!! ok!!!!!#ive talked about it before but there is WAY more to him being autistic than just the buzzer noises. when i first watched that i was like#is THIS really why people hc him as autistic. :/ and i get it! i do! i think he has misophonia inherited from glenn personally#its actually why i captioned the noise sensitive den gifsets as that rather than just. autism.#but personally i see his scripted social interactions and i go. yeah. me. me fuckin too.#and his outbursts. which are VERY personally relatable to me#i have uh. basically the same triggers? very similar triggers at least#i think dennis' neurodivergency presents itself differently because of his upbringing and thats why a lot of ppl go ???? when you say.#'yea i think den's autistic actually'#and like i said i was absolutely like. what the hell are people talking about. he's not autistic#but uh. on rewatches? hm.#dennis quite literally masks almost 24/7#charlie has no qualms about being perceived as like. weird. but dennis masks SO hard. SSSSSSOOOOO hard#i once saw a post like. charlie has boy autism and dennis has girl autism which honestly fucking hate that but its... kiiiind of true#ASD presents itself differently in adults depending on early social conditioning#mac fights gay marriage. group dates. new wheels. dee day. celebrity booze. all the big ones. all the hits.#look how he acts when he goes off script and is forced to speak off the cuff#the way glenn describes him as being very emotional but unable to adequately express his emotions too like. yeah. same.#theres so much more than the noise sensitivity#i could go on and on about how many fucking boxes he ticks but i honestly hate that shit. i know how autism works and that bitch is autisti#im going to refrain from commenting on the reasons why i feel charlie is more acceptably hced as autistic vs dennis because mmmmm but#dennis being 'hypersexual' (not about the sex. at all) and socially adept (has scripts/systems. charlie is more emotionally intelligent)#smells a lil stinky. smells a little bit like infantilization on charlie's part.#ada speaks#ok ill spare you guys. someday ill write a proper meta on this. ive talked about it before but.
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This absolutely belongs on my personal blog but idgaf HEY 🗑️🔥 GANG GUESS WHO FINALLY FINISHED THEIR WAR AND PEACE CHARACTERISATION TABLE
It's such an ugly uneven mess and my handwriting is shit but I'm beyond caring genuinely
#I'm not even joking when I say I nearly kms over this#well. mostly over general feelings of being a useless POS disappointment#but this played a huge part#if my teacher hates it or gives me anything other than an A. well. who wants to be left what in my will?#up for grabs:#magnificent century merch. Kyoshi novels. 50 soviet propaganda posters. musketeers + gardemarines books. soviet actor shrine. Honeybun.#I'm joking but I'm also not this fucking killed me#it doesn't look that hard. just a bajillion quotes#but it was long and tedious and just made me despise this book even more than I already did#in the table I say that Marya Bolkonskaya is my favourite character and that Elen Kuragina disgusts me. but..#honestly? Elen killed herself and didn't have to deal with any of those people anymore. which I respect and understand#you know what? we stan our aromantic cold and manipulative tocophobic queen#Tolstoy hates her for being incapable of love and not wanting to have children#she's just like me fr#*deep sigh*#it's three a.m and yet I'm way too would up to sleep#can someone hit me over the head with something particularly heavy so I'd pass out? please??#I'm too chronically exhausted to keep dealing with this shit#personal
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no one should let me write meta. apparently what happens when i join a fandom early enough that not every conceivable post has already been written is i go a little deranged with it. half written blorbo essays everywhere. my blog drafts are a fucking warzone right now
#dunmeshi#dungeon meshi#aphelion.txt#struggling to sift the salient points from the debris of brainrot#if i stare at it long enough my brain convinces me all of it is cringe#i'll get 2/3 of the way through a post and then a side point#Gets too long and i have to split it into its own post#no idea how many of these are going to make it actually out of drafts#my life rn is like.#*takes break from making dunmeshi edit to write dunmeshi fic*#*takes break from writing dunmeshi fic to write dunmeshi meta*#been awhile since a new fandom hit me that fucking hard#like i'm enjoying myself but jesus christ
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